#also yknow i wasn't planning on coloring it today

[tee-dohrnii]

Dancing among the stars

Based off of this blurry reference picture I've been using of Terra Jolé and Sasha Farber 🫠

Whew anyways time for a break

[box-architecture]

Dream is Spiderman, but he's lime colored. I didn't wanna have to do powerset stuff or anything for him because the point wasn't about the mechanics, it was about Awesamdream

so he's Lime Spider Man.

Don't Worry About It.

He and Sam are co-workers who work in a lab of a Big Science Building, and because of an accident at work, he gets bitten by a spider and sent to the hospital. Sam Has No Emotions About This Whatsoever He Promises (He becomes Doc Ock because his co-worker/crush was Hurt and In Danger and wanted to protect him and also be evil apparently)

Dream meanwhile realizes he has spider powers now and that the lab that they work in is owned by The Evil Cooperation, yknow, the usual, so he becomes Spider-Man.

and does not tell Sam that he's spider man

who does not tell Dream that he's Doc Ock

this is normal and fine.

Sam is sort of vaguely aware that the company is Evil but like, Sam has no morals. His priorities are: confess to crush and go to dinner maybe, make cool gadgets with the money he gets with his sweet lab gig

Sam has a crush on Dream and thinks Spiderman is Rude and Evil and Awful and A Threat

Dream has a soft spot and thinks Sam is a little naive but well meaning and thinks Doc Ock is going to murder him if he doesn't dodge right now

Spider-Man works to stop the Evil Cooperation while trying to find solid proof that its evil so he can show Sam that they need to quit their jobs, while also pretending to be a bedridden Dream because the explosion/accident should have left him unable to do much of anything. He's on paid leave right now and wearing bandages as a civilian.

Meanwhile Sam is anxiously trying to look out for Dream's well-being, not realizing the spider superhero he's throwing into a car is his crush, because I think its really funny.

Sam gets him flowers and frets over him at home and is really bad at flirting but he's earnest and sweet and Dream is thinking poor guy, he doesn't even know our bosses are planning to throw the entire city underwater today.

Sam was aware he just also planned a relaxing cruise for him and Dream to be on while that was happening and is mad that Spider-man kind of ruined that plan. He is RUINING the ATMOSPHERE. How DARE Spiderman stop him from having the perfect date for Dream and saving all those lives in the process.

(he assumes that his bodycount would make him look more impressive.)

It gets to the point where Dream tries to change into spiderman in an alleyway because crime is happening Right In Front Of Him only for Doc Ock to see Dream running through the crowd and grabs him in a panic because you could get hurt!! and Doc Ock ends up fixing the crime so he can get Dream home safely because Dream Wants To Help

Dream gets used as bait for Doc Ock at some point and it goes poorly. You kidnapped spiderman and didn't even like, put him in a real trap because you thought he was a civillain. He has to let Doc Ock grab him because he sounds so fucking distressed and Dream feels bad. He Is Once Again Escorted Home And Told Not To Strain Himself.

It all comes to a head when Dream goes back to work. He's spying and doing detective work now, trying to take them down, while Sams noticed how cautious and withdrawn he's become since coming back. He doesn't want Dream to feel unsafe :((((( he'll definitely protect him. So he takes Dream to a private room and shows him the Doc Ock suit, is blushing and embarrassed as he admits it was him all along.

Dream is. Kind of freaking out, because he's just realized Sam is Ock, Ock likes Dream, Ock hates Spiderman, and Sam Has Killed People, He's A Villain. Not a fun time to realize someone you care about wants you dead. So the obvious solution is to Back The Fuck Up and Leave.

Sam's also freaking out and upset because Dream won't look at him and he's ruined it and he needs Dream to stay, but he's barely halfway to pinning Dream against the wall before Man Evil Destruction Is Happening.

So Sam tells Dream to stay there in the box room where it's safe while he investigates. Dream quickly becomes Spiderman and the Evil Villain CEO nearly destroys the world. Same old same old. It gets taken care of, Dream manages to save the day, except for the part where he gets unmasked.

And Sam. Is horrified. Because he's been hurting Dream. Dream is hurt and it's his fault. Dreams been dealing with all his injuries alone where Sam hasn't been able to help, fighting and in dangerous situations unprotected, nearly killed. And so much of it at Sam's hands.

Obviously the solution is to kidnap Dream and hide him in his evil lair so he can figure out how to fix this, remove Dream's powers and keep him safe and inside where he belongs, instead of Out Where The Evil Is.

But also Listen. Dream's face get's revealed, Sam saves them both from a collapsing building, and hoards Dream in his Secret Evil Lair, where they now Both Are Aware Of Each Other's Identity. Dream is desperately trying to Escape while Sam is freaking out over his injuries and trying to catch him But Gently, until finally he gets frustrated after a few minutes and grabs Dream a little too harshly with his claws, slams him to the floor to keep him there.

And then he's immediately up close and personal because Dream is hurt and what if he made it worse while Dream thrashes and panics, trying to hit Sam only for more claws to pin his hands down. He's bargaining, pleading, and Sam can't hear him over the blood rushing through his ears as he pulls up the shirt of Dream's suit to check for wounds. To check the scars from Dream's accident and find them ugly and raised but healed far farther than they should be for a baseline human. Along with fading bruises from the building that nearly collapsed on top of them both.

Yknow, normal things.

Listen I just want Sam to be incredibly invasive because He's Just Like That he has no concept of boundaries and especially not when Dream might be badly injured. And Dream usually doesn't even register Sam's up close touching and feeling behavior because Dream at heart can't help but enable his friends behavior, can't help but let Sam do whatever he wants, doesn't even register the invasiveness of it because That's Just How Sam Is in his mind.

And to some degree that's even true here. Dream is pink in the cheeks at his torso being exposed, but like, its not really on his mind as being sexual, he's more severely stressed at the person he cares about has been trying to murder his superhero persona and now has no idea what Sam's current feelings on him are and the bodysuit is durable enough that removing the shirt could allow for easier murder.

Also he discovered Sam was Doc Ock only an hour or two at most before this so he's pretty fucking scrambled right now. Getting hit with a building does that to you.

Sam relaxes after seeing Dream is relatively fine enough to not need hospitalization and then instantly the tone changes because Dream is beneath him, saying his name, pinned down every which way and his hair is partially out of it's bun and he's touching Dream's chest and wait.

And then Sam has to be really abnormal and keep touching Dreams chest because Its Sam, which causes Dream to pause. And then Sam brings his hand up to cradle Dreams face (he has a black eye he's been fighting past his limits Sam's fault Sam's fault-)

Listen they fuck. Sam rips Dreams suit a lot because he's petty and blames all his problems on The Suit and then he makes Dream take tentacle cock while Dream begs for reprieve but enjoys every minute of it. He wraps Dream up and let's Dream attempt to futilely grip Sam's suit while he gets railed within an inch of his life.

And Sam doesn't let up for even a moment because he's wanted this for over a year, he's prepped things for it, he had a nice cozy apartment area for Dream in his underground bunker later so they could cuddle and hang out once he finally revealed he was Doc Ock. He's got everything he needs to have Dream and he doesn't want to let go for even a moment, not at the risk of Dream leaving and losing the one person he's been trying to connect with.

Because Dream is friends with everyone, he's an extrovert, he's fun and silly and wonderful

And Sam isn't good with people and says all the wrong things and doesn't do morals and social stuff very well, but Dream never thought badly of him for being bad at that. (Admittedly they're going to have a long talk about the murder at some point) And Sam wants !!!! He just wants Dream to smile at him and tell him he did a good job and also cry out for him on his cock. Pretty sunshine boy should personally shine with tears on his face, begging for more, begging for less, begging for everything because Sam wants to be wanted so badly it hurts.

He is going to put his dick in Dreams mouth and curl a tentacle around him to Keep Him Up so he can use another to piston into Dream until he can feel the vibrations of Dreams moans around his cock.

And even if Sam feels nothing from Dream pumping the dildos attached to his limbs it's still incredibly mouth watering to watch him serve Sam's limbs, Sam's robotic arms. He's able to essentially gangbang Dream as a single person and it's a fucking prize unto itself.

-

I have an assortment of thoughts about how cDream is a sunshine boy that lost so much of his shine as time went on, but also how Dream and Sam are a bit too Abnormal to be any sort of typical happy/moody dynamic, especially in Canon, where Dream completely loses his shine by the end of prison and Sam isn't necessarily introverted so much as he's driven away the one reasonable person in his life (Ponk) and surrounded himself with More Enablers and people who won't question him or can't question him

They're not easily definable by that typical optimistic-grump dynamics in canon, but Dream in spiderverse has been able to keep a lot of the optimism and hope he so desperately needed in dsmp due to Spiderman getting to be a hero and being able to consider himself a good guy in comparison to the dsmp where he couldn't even get to be the hero when he wanted to be, whereas Sam here is more willing to accept the label of Evil because he doesn't equate it with being Bad because Morals Aren't Real Only The People You Care About

I thought about this over dinner because Dream and Sam are too alike in canon to be pigeonholed in the dynamic so I initially regretted using the term Sunshine Boy and Extrovert for Dream, but ultimately that isn't even necessarily what Dream is, he's too complex for that, but Sam puts Dream on a pedestal even in canon in these really weird ways that tends to turn Dream into an Idea moreso than a person. Sam sees him as sunshine, so he is. Of course Dream is friends with everyone, can do everything Sam can't, it's Dream.

And in this moment when he's ripping off the suit he's seeing Dream as the fully dynamic person he is for the first time, and it's upsetting, it's different, it's hard to cope with, but he has to because if he has to choose between a fantasy he never gets or Dream, a full fledged reality bouncing on his cock, kissing him in the mornings while they eat breakfast, holding hands, despite the imperfections?

Letting go of Dream isn't an option, so he adapts

And that's how he and Dream ultimately meet in the middle, as characters. Letting go isn't an option, so they change to become the thing they need to be. The world changes them.

-

[tamiddyinyourcity]

damn, i never got to go to get boujie burgers with the dude. That's kind of wack.

I'm a lot less angsty over the things i didnt get to do with him these days, since now i have the mental note of "pffffft you would've asked him, had to wait hours, get a 'maybe', aaaand then get cancelled on whenever something more eye catching had become available, or, the apparent 'risk' of his family knowing i existed".

It makes it easier, knowing that the only difference between today if we were "friends" or seperate, is that today would have been me probably ready to kill myself if I felt strung along the other day.... (Not to guilt him, or anything, if anything the feeling tends to happen for most dilemmas. Even buying art supplies or eating anything that i know is overpriced out of pure desperation and starvation makes me feel bad, so like....)

The option of "go to work, happy and contented, with a fat wallet and cute as always", is better than "the mans, who is not my mans, showed me yet again that he is not my mans", and then showing up to work today, more irritable and grouchy than ever.

Good thing I chose to send the letter. :)

....fuck, we never went to a noise music concert! Damn! Not like i could've attended anyway, due to my job, and not like the night would've ended with me fucking his brains out, cuddling, and waking up the next morning to go have breakfast with him.

So yet another case of, "I made the right choice".

Since going in with any expectations would be the death of me. :)

I'll be alright. I am living and breathing. Sometimes, that's all a person needs to do.

Aaaaand feeling contented.

I guess now I don't have to be nervous about him checking my tumblr or snooping on my page for vlogs or whatever. (Unless he's reading this?) But I doubt he is. I gave him permission to anyway.

.....

I also hope I didn't scare him. Since a girl showing up to your doorstep at midnight, with a letter, and being quick to leave, just hugging you before saying "Just know you were a good friend to me, alright?", in hindsight..... Probably screams "she just wrote a suicide note."

But I was alright, and definitely was not trying to give off that vibe. There was just no way to go, "I like you, and therefore can never to see you again", to the guy. :/

Face to face would've lead to tears. And I wasn't spiteful, just more..... completely finished.

The night I got that "maybe" text, I thought, "I'm worth more than this, and I know it."

Was tired of letting my friends down, from the way I would post "this is the last time ill see him, i am done with him and cutting this guy off", to "omgggg yall i had such a good time with him, like, whew i felt so ecstatic."

And tired of the weird feeling of being so disposable to a person, when I knew myself that I am a lot more valuable than one would think.

I knew if I waited till morning, I'd just wait around all day, hoping to see him. Anticipating it. Either getting forgotten again, or being over for maybe an hour. No treat, no movies, just boring uninitiated planned out missionary sex, and then forgetting about me again.

It was awkward the other time. I saw it through rose colored glasses, but full honesty.... It was pretty wack, the way he said no to Netflix and Chill, and did want to have sex while simultaneously not touching me.... It was unsettling? Not gonna say I had mixed signals about the way he kept nonstop making out with me, but I will say that.... Yknow, sex is cool, but.... You gotta know how to initiate it. Seemed like he had forgotten four months of experience within a month, or was in the "what if that seems too relationshippy" mentality.

Netflix and Chill makes it easy to transition. You just go from sitting, to "hey you can lay down if you want/can i put my feet on your lap?", to agreeing to cuddle, (he was a chill lil spoon,) and theeeeeen hands move, or yall do one neck kiss and suddenly make out, then, boom, suddenly you're naked and on the floor, getting bizayyyyy as American Psycho plays "Too Hip To Be Square" in the background.

........not related to my ex, but it had happened before.

And nothing is more awkward than walking upstairs to your ex's bedroom, and he's staring at the floor, keeping his hands to himself, aaaaaand whatnot.......

He's an awkward fellow. I don't know why I pretend to be surprised when he does things like that, if i knew that even before we ever met..... but its cute. Or, it was cute.

I can't tell if it was nerves, or him having second thoughts.... I could just be overthinking it? Or am I? I don't know. I shouldn't call him.

8:07pm, maybe four hours later. I called him at like 4:13pm, didn't get a response for awhile.

Turns out it was perfectly normal sex, and not the terrible thing I feared it was.

Was it nonconsensual? Nope, it was consensual.

Was it just not great sex with a naturally nervous guy, who may or may not be a sub, but how am i supposed to know really? Yeah.

Long story short, you gotta actually know how to initiate sex with the person you are attracted to. And if you don't, then just look up Rush Hour 3 on Netflix, and boom, panties drop the second someone sees Chris Tucker pelvis thrusting in traffic for the opening scene.

Anyway, now that i am no longer feeling mortified about a fictional situation formed in my own head.....

I didn't want to have sex where despite me knowing dude for like, a quarter of a year, and spending almost every day of the stated time with him there, was a stranger in the bed. (Except for oral, and making out.)

I always lack interest in bad sex, and emotionally unavailable men.

As he said on his twitter, that I had saw, "I am now emotionally unavailable. Its my form of self care."

And nothing is less sexy than a boring man with a lack of foreplay skills, and unwillingness to have real intimacy.

Why settle? Sure, he's got great lips, and he was absolutely ridiculously HARD as a mother fucker last time we banged, off of kissing or seeing my chest alone. (Damn, my pussy twitched. Note to self: stop thinking about the good parts of sex with him. Hell, thats how yall ended up FWB again in the first place....)

Great, now I'm blushing.

Cool, gotta change my mind to something else.......

Um..... elephants? Elephants. Cool. I love elephants. Winston Churchill. Historical figures. Kobe Bryant. Michelle Obama. Naruto. Theeeeeere we go.

Back to my writing, this time without my body heat raising dramatically.

If I wanted an emotionally unavailable guy with an attractive, (or.... decent,) face, to just leave me on read and occasionally have sex with me, then I would just call...... *flips through my ginormous list of contact numbers*....... almost any person in my phone, excluding family members.

Booty calls mean nothing to me. Most of the ones I have, I rarely even go to. Why? Since there will always be someone out there, willing to do more than the bare minimum for me.

I know that if I put all of the people in the world who would ever find me attractive in a large room and said, "Who here wants to fuck me?", then almost any noncelibate and non-saving-themselves-for-marriage man (or women, or nonbinary) person would raise their hand.

I am also aware that if I then said, "Cool. Now who here wants to have GOOD sex, cuddle, let me meet their parents, take me out to eat from time to time, and probably not break my heart over bullshit?", theeeen there would be a chance that some hands would go down.

That's fine. Not everyone is cut out for it. But the chances of me meeting someone who could treat me well, out of all the people in the world or even this town, is never a zero.

So, why stop at the first guy with nice eyes and a pretty face? He's a beautiful dude, of course, but he never knows what he wants. Decided to stop doing all the things that actually made me like him, and seriously be happy in his presence.

You can't jump from "ice skating and watching shooting stars" to "i wont pay for ur burrito and will fuck you in near silence for 6 minutes". That's a new low, as well as a really far jump below. If one attempted to jump from such a high standard to the low one, as if they were literal buildings, they'd definitely hurt themselves.

Its like jumping from the Empire State Building to a shanty; you'd break your fucking knee caps. :)

So, V-Day's Eve came around. I wanted some new love. And remembered that if I wanted a nice dinner, getting all dressed up and shown off, and a dope ass meal with someone to buss it open onto, in the lingerie I own, then well.....

I should NOT settle for the man who wouldn't even think to get me CVS candy.... and he lives RIGHT next to a CVS too, which is even more embarrassing. (If I made you brownies for good dick, then you can spend 4 bucks to thank me on having epic pussy, at least. Thats honesty.)

Hell; it would have been simp as fuck if I needed to ask him for something. I know that our whole relationship started on the basis of "He doesn't have a clue on how to be romantic, but cut him some slack, he still wants to try and make an effort for you girl.

The big differences are:

He does have a clue on how to be romantic. He just doesnt want that for me. Simple.

We are no longer in a relationship.

He doesn't wanna try and make an effort, for you, girl.

I think even the most clueless man would take a hint, but whatever. He didn't. And I wasn't gonna be ecstatic to have the "no, we are not dating.... yes, please give me a gift", talk with this man.

It was embarrassing at the beginning trying to even imagine going, "Hey there, man who I am somewhat romantically interested in. You better do [insert basic manners or a romantic act] here, or I will be upset". (I'm not that type.... Only to people I specifically do not care about have I ever been that type. I can go "either pay for my uber or fuck off" to someone i lack interest in, waaaay easier than simping for a guy who I dont want to admit I like and still enjoy the presence of around me.)

So if I already didnt wanna date the guy due to having to potentially teach him the most ideal way to have me feel like i am cared for, or for me to like him, materialistically or non materialistically...

Then, i definitely dont want to do that to someone who has DEFINITELY made it clear where I stand; not next to him, but far behind him in life.

I had to leave.

Once I finally hit the point of, "I can go another lifetime without wanting him to grab my ass again", or "I can probably live without his tongue on my pussy, now that ive got the refresher, and the realization of how it changes nothing".... A huge emotional shift had happened.

You know its official, when the sex addict actually doesn't want you to touch her any more.

Then it was.... "So if no sex, and if no romantic intimacy, hows the friendship looking?"

Pretty bleak.

Dude couldn't even keep plans, would cancel at the idea of any of his "best friends" knowing that we still talk. (To be fair, they probably like me even less if they heard about the pre-January incidents, but whatever. Some do and some dont, i couldnt care less about the way they feel for me... Also, Azalea, if you're reading this, invest in turmeric. Itll help with your acne scars, as well as assist with digestion, weight gain, body problems, and getting a faster metabolism going for yourself. Looked like you needed it, so figured id be nice and give you some tips and all..... No shade, just tea.)

I hate that bitch, but luckily she doesnt do shit. And neither will i, since hell, i rest easy, knowing I never felt the need to ban someone elss's girlfriend from a birthday party, or else I'd thrash a place and piss my pants. Unlike some people.... cough cough.... her stupid ass.

It's definitely not a chill friendship, if it's him cancelling on me so that his mom or dad wouldn't see me around. (Oh look, another reminder of something that made me downgrade him to a FWB when we first met! Man, history repeats itself! People never change! Wowzers.)

Treat me like I'm something to hide and then you're forgotten about, its the simplest shit in the world.

Juuuuust, christ.

So many signs, soooo many signs.

I'll keep venting, since I have no reason to hide the way I feel about things.

He chose.... every thing. He chose not to do dates, resolve problems, and more.

He chose to choose the route that made it harder, instead of easier.

He chose a lack of trust, communication, or healthy boundaries.

I'm just glad I recognized them by now. It'll bite him in the ass eventually, and thats all ill need to remember, really.

Since even picturing "what ifs?", never worked. No matter my attitude, it would have never changed his. Its true.

.........

I can't even regret swearing at her.

When you pair a weirdly paranoid bitch with an overly anxious, and overly suspicious acting, boyfriend..... well, you get an uneasy girlfriend.

And when no one else but the girlfriend wishes to resolve shit, then its obvious no one wants shit to get resolved. Bitch chose her wrong decisions. He chose his. I wasnt about to take the moral high ground at my own expense. So screw it.

If the hoe didnt wanna get called a shady bitch, then she shouldn't have been shady! Period! That's like a jewel thief, being mad at being accused of being a jewel thief, when all they do is lurk and creep around the vault while giving you the side eye.... "you havent done much yet, but you sure as fuck making yourself look terrible right now."

Its clear that he lacked enough respect for me to be honest. So did she. And i was honest. So, oh well, fuck that sloppy bodied AND sloppy personalitied, sloppy faced bitch. Miss Azalea Cooch can be a dick all she wants, but she's still the fan reading my page hoping to catch me saying some shit. Feel free to send it to Patrick, girl, it only makes you look like a clown to send my ex my shit anyway. How's that being a good friend? "He clearly wants to either befriend her platonically, or get over her. Better send him her posts!" Weirdo type shit.

Anyway.

Sis is stupid. He was a clown. And I had rooted for taking him back. But I wanted to see him put on the red nose one more time, juuuuust to see if he would go back to his old ways.

He shoooole did. :)

And now here I am, leaving the circus he made just for me. Peace, joker.

Now, whats important now is:

Drinking water to feel energized

Feeling cute

Destresssing and decluttering

Having my own damn fun