#also yeah they literally do find inner peace its kind of their whole thing now but thats not the point

[lesbiangiratina]

[generallypo]

[   Constellation ’Director of the False Last Act’ is looking at you.   ]

------

dark academia!hsy, yeeee! the white coat is fantastic, but unlike kdj and yjh, she doesn’t really switch up the color scheme. no, her bum-aesthetic purple hoodie does not count. i think she’s super hot. i yell about how much i love her under the cut.

------

yo han sooyoung is actually amazing, incredible, powerful, witty, drop-dead sexy... what makes her so irresistible? let me explain

1) yeah, kdj takes the kdj company to end of the scenarios, but please. how many times does he have to kill himself to get there? not to mention his intentional (and unintentional) kill count? 

sure, he does the job, but damn is he kind of inefficient about it. say what you like about hsy’s methods or personality, but the 1863rd round far surpasses the 1864th in terms of the lives preserved while still managing to take the team to the end.

without the benefit of cheat-like knowledge, skills, and resurrections, hsy almost single-handedly orchestrates the events of the 1863rd round to a satisfying finale. kmw, problematic as he is, survives and becomes an admittedly better person, yjh finds a timeline where he can rest in peace, and the rest of the cast have their eyes set on the hopeful end of all scenarios. all this, while only being HALF of a person (hsy originally split off into two after misusing her avatar ability). do her actions lead to the happiest ending? no. but it’s the one that sacrifices the least and saves the most. for the greater good, in other words. 

hsy may be an intrinsically selfish person, but unlike kdj, she has the ability to grasp the entire picture and avoid tunnel-visioning into a crappier, more convoluted and self-sacrificial solution. ironically, it ends up saving more lives. perks of being a talented writer, i guess. 

and the 1864th hsy emerges as a leader in her own right as well. the epilogue arc shows her assuming roughly the same role as her 1863rd self in kdj’s absence: yjh breaks off from the main group (AND BECOMES A TERRORIST AKFDJDSLKSL HAHAHA) to assume a similarly antagonistic role to the remaining members of kdj company. as a result, she’s the most powerful lawful incarnation remaining, and once more the incarnations circle around her for direction.

2) independent, confident, competent (hot and kinda shameless about it). this woman has the most delightfully unrepentant attitude towards life -- how to defeat the man with the strongest defensive ability without dealing a single blow? summon a horde of your naked dancing clones to terrify his innocent sensibilities, and then cackle at his helplessness. the fact that her sponsor is literally the chuuni-est cringefest in the entire galaxy and she gives no fucks about him is just additional comedic gold. her undisguised disgust for what should otherwise be a highly respected/feared entity is a clear indicator of her supremely dominant position over everyone else, and i admire her consistent irreverence of everyone and everything.

hsy is the only character who can consistently bully kdj, brush off his deflections, and bully him again. 1863rd round hsy gives kdj about 50 migraines in the span of 5 minutes of conversation before confirming her superior wit. jhw comes close, but unfortunately, she actually respects the rat bastard. i wish i could mention yjh, but let’s be real: he -- and just about every existing version of him -- has been whipped for the guy for at least 250+ chapters now. 

hsy, on the other hand, has no regard for anything except herself... man, i respect that so much. what a queen. 

and i won’t lie! i didn’t like her in the first fifty or so chapters. plagiarism? homicide? kind-of-in-general-just-being-an-obstacle-to-kdj’s-plans? yeah, i almost fell into the trap of disliking her purely because she didn’t cave immediately in the grand scheme of kdj’s plotting -- thereby denying me the power rush that came with seeing kdj bulldoze his way through the puny attempts of small fry characters. she’s neither a friend nor a despicable foe, but rather someone who acts independently and in her own self-interest, WITH the ability to thwart major players if need be. aka, the one who frustrated kdj’s plans -- and me -- the most. 

going by my previous isekai/power-fantasy trope experience, i figured she’d get pegged into the sexy-but-sassy harem candidate, or get killed off if that didn’t work out. in hindsight, i’m just pretty fucking dumb, but honestly, i can accept that with gratitude -- 

-- because in fact. the whole ‘she-gets-in-my-way-so-she-either-goes-into-the-harem-or-dies’ trope in light novels/webnovels and the like, is, frankly, misogynistic and boring as hell. i had some admittedly low expectations for ORV, which consequently blasted my ass to the moon and left me there sobbing for 42 years as i mourned my stupidity and paid my respects to its incredible ending and character development. hsy is a particular delight, especially in her meta awareness of these tropes -- blatantly stating she isn’t obligated to kdj for saving her life and declaring the damsel-in-distress cliche as ridiculous, for example. 

and it really is, because suspension bridge effect aside, you’re not gonna want to bang a total shady stranger in the middle of the apocalypse. it’s the little statements of self-awareness, self-worth, and frankness that build up hsy’s charm. as ORV progresses, these little windows of her personality bloom as her presence takes stage center -- and then BAM! you really get to know how strong she is, how hugely capable of love she is, how subtly but wonderfully she expresses it, how she leads and protects those close to her, and how damn good she is at it. hsy is amazing. we stan an iconic queen -- no, black flameS EMPRESS. *kneeling*.

3) writes an entire EPIC, just to keep one lonely, broken fifteen-year-old alive. like. at that point in ORV, i knew. i knew. hsy is the fucking GOAT. seeing her spend the rest of her life on WOS, making sure it reaches completion because it’s the only thing that will sustain kdj until the advent of the scenarios... that hits too hard. inadvertently, it also damns the rest of the world to the terror and tragedy that the star stream brings.. but that’s the call she makes in order to save kdj’s life. 

obviously, there’s no precise beginning to the timelines -- ORV is so neatly crafted in its cycle of writer, protagonist, and reader -- but i’d have to argue that hsy holds the greatest power in the trinity. creating the existence known as ‘yoo joonghyuk’ and granting life-changing hope to an otherwise forgotten boy.. is pretty powerful. yjh, for the most part, is a slave to the scenarios (until he breaks free in the 1863rd and 1864th rounds, in particular), while kdj (unwittingly) admits it himself: he’s truly the most powerless god in existence. i forget exactly where he mentions it, but it’s in response to lgy’s reverent commentary that, with all his knowledge and presumed confidence, kdj seems like the protagonist of story or a god to him. kdj’s inner monologue, of course, is appropriately self-deprecating and scarily accurate.

in a lot of ways, WOS -- and ORV itself, really -- is a love letter to readers. it’s a two-way connection, writer and reader, between someone who creates with all their passions and someone who consumes and responds with equally sincere feelings. Ways Of Survival -- the story of a man who defied death and grief and great powers far beyond his being -- is a fictional guide to surviving in a ruined world. but to a battered, bullied, and ostracized boy, it’s not just escapism, or wish fulfilment anymore. WOS is the map to navigating the hell of his reality. there’s a certain power in the right words being spoken -- or in this case, written -- at the right time, even if it’s only for the temporary burst of endorphins upon reading an especially delightful chapter. even if it’s forgotten the next day, you’ve managed to connect. you’ve touched another person’s heart. you made them think about questions they’ve never considered before; maybe, you made them smile. 

what can i say but the honest truth? ORV, without a shadow of doubt, has most certainly reached me. i’m a goner for this story and its excellent characters -- long, long gone. something has changed, something that wasn’t there the previous day. 

the mark has been made on the reader -- small as it is, it’s irrevocable. behold, in all of its little magnificence: the power of a writer, and their story.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I’ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself.  i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he?  like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it.  So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit.  That’s yet another way to put it.  Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today?  cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad!  Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything.  --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects.  That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place.  The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers.  This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth?  or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be.  :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2.  So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations.  Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for?  Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues.  And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit.  Karkat’s limited lifespan.  As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation.  We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we?  >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus.  I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason.  Which it won’t!  Right???  >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck.  I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry.  God damnit.  SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!!  *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends.  That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true.  What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this?  It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm.  Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy?  Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff.  He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much.  <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!!  Point taken.  Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome.  I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up.  :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice.  Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat.  See y’all next time!

[flying-elliska]

Ellie I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I actually want to say thank you for posting so openly about your diagnoses and struggles because I am going through something very similar, and it’s actually helped me reach out for help with my mental health. I’m 32 and after my moms death last year I am discovering that not only am I fairly certain that I have ADHD but, I’m starting to realize that I have spent my whole life dealing with Emotional Incest from my mother and that’s something I do not know how to even approach.

I have literally felt like I’ve been going crazy and functioning in the world is becoming harder and harder each day. I feel like I don’t have a handle on anything and I am constantly overwhelmed to a point where I don’t know how to cope but seeing you dealing with this is giving me some hope. I know I’m probably not the only person you’ve helped indirectly so please know that you’re not only helping yourself but you’re encouraging me and probably others to do the same. I really hope you find some peace and happiness today.

Anon 💖💖💖 thanks for reaching out, it means so much. I actually had a good (but exhausting) day - I confronted an acquaintance about him being a clueless asshole to some of my other friends, which I don't think I would have had the guts to do in the past. So maybe not peace and happiness, but definitely some satisfaction.

First of all I am very proud of you for reaching out and I am glad I could help in whatever small way I could. I am also sorry for what you went through and still have to deal with. I know it sucks. I am right there too rn in feeling how much it sucks. I think it's an important step to recognize that. IT FUCKING SUCKS. Because personally for a loooong time I was just pretending everything was fine, making excuses for the people who hurt me, but I was just running myself ragged and feeling so hollow and splintered and just.... And coming to a point where i'm finally looking these things in the face, and all that buried crap resurfaces...it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, just putting some of these things to paper, trying to do this all month, it's so ughhhhhhh fuck man. It's ugly work, I hate it, but at the same time, sometimes, it feels empowering too and like I am returning to myself and picking up all these shattered pieces and recognizing that part of me that suffered and deserved better that I tried so hard to deny and deaden. Reclaiming my ability to control my own narrative.

So honestly from what you're describing, I think it's very logical that you are having a hard time and feel overwhelmed. Hell, they say during recovery at the beginning it generally gets worse for a while before it gets better. So...even tho it sucks, in a sense, it might be a good thing ? I know it is for me. Much better than previous numbness and dissociation. The pain of truth is purifying - it's so different from the pain of secrets and shame festering in silence. Am I coping very well right now ? No, but I'm learning, and I'm also having these occasional moments of inner reconciliation and mending that feel miraculous ; like that scared, confused inner little girl I used to be feels increasingly less alone and trampled over.

Anyway the good news is that when it comes to ADHD, treatment has a high chance to have a radical positive impact, it's one of the diagnoses where finding the right combo of therapy/meds/lifestyle changes leads to some of the highest rates of positive change. So I really hope you get there.

The rest is...yeah I don't know how to deal with that either, I'm still figuring it out. My relationship with my mother was for so long such a fucking clusterfuck of layers of manipulation, unaddressed generational trauma, repressed grief, good intentions, petty cruelty, inappropriate behavior, unfortunate circumstances and neglect, over projection and blind devotion and gaslighting, enmeshment and lack of boundaries, abuse done for "your own good" with a smile and a reasonable explanation - it made me feel insane for so long, like I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions. And every time I felt like I had addressed one layer I hit on something else, to the point where I started to feel like I would never be free of it. I haven't seen her or properly talked to her in like, seven years and still all this time I was struggling with it - it was necessary to cut contact tho, to assert that boundary. And then to keep building boundaries from there, slowly, frustratingly, to keep digging and asking myself questions. I got stuck and lost so many times, but I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of the tunnel, because knowledge is one of the most powerful things in the world.

Real talk, the emotional incest thing ? I think my mother had a similar dynamic with her own father. And she tried to do better, but because she was unwilling to look at the true ugliness of the situation, instead choosing to wallpaper over it with magical thinking, everything-will-be-fine-if-i-convince-myself-it-is, and an obsession with moral purity, she ended up doing a massive amount of damage of her own. And I am not doing that.

There is a radical power that comes with facing the ugliness head on that I am claiming for myself, and it seems that you are embarking on a similar journey. It's a big thing so we can't do it all at once. I think doing sth like this you have to pace yrself, to chew off little piece by piece, to digest bit by bit, to let some things rot and dissolve, to go through many cycles of doubt and indignity and revelation, to hunt for the truth on pure Instinct and desperate need, to claw off a path from the dark and the impossible, to consider incompatible and paradoxical truths, to let every new bit of knowledge work its way through you and make you stronger and stranger and more yourself. To let yrself be a little bit crazy and seething and deranged, to shake loose the confines of what you thought was reasonable, to find gifts and allies in unlikely places. To expose, to open up, little by little, to find scraps of words that turn into full sentences, to take back power by finding the right name of things. And then, one day, we'll give birth to ourselves this time and we'll find the sun-bleached bones of this horror and make it into jewelry. Or something.

You don't have a handle on things ? Good ! It's probable you have had a handle on things for way too long. Your handle is probably completely broken. So I don't know you, but maybe this is good, in all its harsh inconvenient terrifying way. I know I had to throw away the handle I had first to build a new one. And flying loose for a moment which yeah ! Fucking scary. But also kind of badass, in that private way maybe nobody will ever know but you and so it's extra important you give yourself that credit.

Anyway I'm rambling but I do hope some of this gives you some extra validation. I'm here if you want to talk more, including by message. I know it's helped me so much to read abt other people's experiences, so. It's like a chain of courage, and you can be part of that too.

Also books have helped me so much - some fiction, but especially of late 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed - she's an advice columnist who writes about some super gnarly stuff in such a direct, humane, powerful way, it gave me a lot of strength.

Power and solace to you, anon. 🌸💪🌸💪

[pestopascal]

which class companions are your favorites in swtor? i find it funny you always exclude skadge in fics

skadge? idk him............ skjhdkfh but srsly i rly dont care for him so he doesnt exist for me (save for being the person to muck with doc’s plans basically  i think that was him ).

but uhh to answer ur Q..... my faves are definitely the inquisitor crew like i LOVE that funky bunch but i played si first, the story is so funny to me, like in the grand scheme of things wyd to actually have any impact on literally anything jedi/sith wise....... like i love them. they set such a fun standard for everyone else. idk. it was just a RLY good time i love the story so much i love the crew i just. i did the entire inquisitor storyline again in like 2 days i missed it SO MUCH i feel a lot of inner peace now

also i should say that i have only ever completely done class story thru to like. onslaught now on my inquisitor so like i played a solid 2 weeks in 2017 doing everything and ofc when u get to kotfe/kotet and start recruiting rando companions im like WHO ARE THESE PPL and still dont rly know them so my impressions are absolutely minimal and the inquisitor crew set a standard for me entirely

after inq, i would honestly probably put in the bounty hunter crew bc i love all of them except skadge ❤️ he’s a nasty lil afterthought bc its like they remembered that bh is empire side and they were like OH FUCK GOTTA BE EVIL here have this mass murderer on ur team enjoy. like it was getting too campy clearly. i rly just love the interactions and how funny they were up until belsavis like bioware realising they were running outta planets to give me a new companion its okay i just need the four thanks u can keep skadge.......

and THEN idk like. i still havent finished smuggler, trooper or agent (havent even started the former). so i would probably say my only two faves for the warrior are quinn and vette bc i literally dont think about pierce or feel anything for broonmark. OMG OR JAESA I FORGOT ABOUT HER LOL!!!!!!! i made her LS just bc DS jaesa is TOO edgy for me but i think alfrinn would mess up and turn her DS also just bc it was so funny having the LS dialogue about fixing the empire or whatever and its like girl Shut Up youre not ashara u wish u were.....

i rly didnt mind the consular companions i just didnt rly click so much but im gonna replay the consular anyway soon? bc i wanna try some new things/dont honestly remember The Plot™. i did like zenith and qyzen a lot honestly but yeah like. im gonna replay, figure some shit out, make more in character choices bc i just rolled a togruta and went with it

i dont mind the knight companions obviously but yeah same kind of deal? i think the knight story rly had smth going but kind of lost it and went back to the typical hero storyline so idk i was just like completely amazed they were like YEAH YOU WERE A SITH and ignored that but okey! scourge promising to train my bloodline in the ways of the sith was heartwarming. i didnt rly talk/pay attention to rusk like at all, but yeah i think there was a lot of plot threads kind of spread out that were. ignored. so like kira’s whole thing i just ??????? through, i lov teeseven obviously, and doc. yknow. the proposal was rly cute bye.

i got like halfway thru imperial and i meeeetttt vector? i think? is as far as i rly got/paid attention. i just dont rly like the whole joiner dealio going on at all with him so i DONT know what i think. idk how to feel about kaliyo either? she reads like a straight man’s wet dream about an “empowered bisexual woman who can kick my ass”. like just admit ur into femdom and go............. but like again. havent rly played much, spent more time complaining about being a sniper, ive rerolled and i think just arrived on dromund kaas again so restart! yeah!

[bugheadspoby]

We're both crazy. (pt. 2 of Obsessed with my Stalker)

*Frequent changes of POVS*

29th August

Forsythe Pendelton Jones Jr. got arrested for Jason Blossom’s murder and the whole town sighed in relief except for the girl next door. She haven’t slept a wink since the news broke out. Who can possibly plant the murder weapon in his locker? and where did they find it? She buried them in the ground, this was one of the few things she learned from her favorite mystery series but the questions kept on spiraling in her mind. Was it her stalker? She haven’t received a note since that discovery. What could possibly be cooking up for her?

Jughead saw her tension visibly. He knew she haven’t slept in days and he didn’t either because he was busy observing her through the red head’s window and he had all the answers she craved but he wanted to feel the tension she felt inside her because he was crazy for when she contracts her little self and her body tenses up, lost in thoughts, trying to make things right by committing more sins. They both were equally crazy and psychopathic, both about each other and the little world of sins they created in disguise. The summer camp in school she joined for extra credit was finally over, which meant no more locker notes for a few weeks but her window was still open for them and she anxiously waited for them to come. She craved answers and only from him. On the other hand he loved watching her loose her mind over the arrest of his father. He was a creep and she was equally sinful, this is what made them a perfect power couple in Jughead’s mind. — 6AM in the morning she woke up by the sound of alarm clock and with her I woke up too because the sound was loud enough to wake someone who is a normal human being and not Archie. She stretched and yawned and then got up from her bed making her way to the semi closed blinds of her window and there it was! an answer I bestowed her. She picked it up and read it and suddenly she smiled creepily and her body breathed. Her shoulders relaxed and a soothing expression covered her face. It was just like the expression of my dreams when I finally let her come and it is oh so good. Oh how I love it when she looks like this but I love it even more when she is angry and tensed, that’s just hot on a different level.

“I got you covered babygirl, now you owe me”

She threw the paper away and laid down again on the bed facing the roof and I could perfectly see her curves, with her chest heaving up and down. My inner pervert was screaming at the sight of her never ending legs and the tight shorts that barely covered her ass was making me hard again. The cow named Archie shifted in his bed just when I was about to reach for my little one. He knows perfectly how to ruin a moment and he never have to put any effort, he just exists and boom! it’s ruined. He woke up and saw me at the window and without any suspicion, which requires a brain, he just greeted and walked into the bathroom. I turned around and she was gone too. I guess my little one has to wait more. I sighed and picked up my bag and rushed to the school where all the B&G staff was having a meeting, well it was just me and Kevin until I got to the office and to my surprise I found someone special waiting, in a perfect pink tank top and tight jeans that blew me away the moment I saw them on her long legs.

“Betty Cooper? What are you doing in the Blue and Gold staff meeting?” I asked, trying not to stare at her legs. “Jughead! Actually Kev called me here but he had to cancel. Today is my first day at the Blue and Gold” she said with a smile. “You’re-what?” I asked surprisingly. The one thing I was good at was writing and now she came here too to destroy me with her sexy little freaky self. How am I supposed to do stuff when she is literally sex on legs and constantly forcing me to push her down on Kevin’s nice little coffee table and give her a feeling she will never forget. “Yeah..I know you don’t like working with other students but I really need this for some extra credit and also to take my mind off of some things too” —

“Betty Cooper? What are you doing in the Blue and Gold staff meeting?” I heard his voice and a current ran in my body. An electric shock that turned me on instantly. God! why does he have that effect on me? Why him? Why a loner, dangerous Serpent King who probably cuts people down in his free time turns me on so bad and I feel things that I never even knew existed within me. This is unfair on so many levels but BETTY! you gotta stay focused, come to the point real quick. “Jughead! Actually Kev called me here but he had to cancel. Today is my first day at the Blue and Gold” I said awkwardly and he just looked at me with his signature smirk smile and the next thing I know was that I was wet downstairs. Can’t he feel the tension in the air? Can’t he just take me right there on Kev’s table? This is so bullshit. “You’re-what?” he asked surprisingly. “Yeah..I know you don’t like working with other students but I really need this for some extra credit and also to take my mind off of some things too” I blurted and regreted instantly. TOO MUCH INFORMATION FOR SOMEONE WHO IS PROBABLY YOUR STALKER BETTY! my mind yelled at me and he just kept on looking at me with creepy eyes. “What’s wrong Betty?” he asked in a dead serious tone and his voice turned cold. “Nothing just..typical family drama” I said fidgeting with my fingers. “I-Its fine Betts! You’re welcome to join!” he said after an interval and I smiled at him. “oh and theres this article that I’m working on and I was hoping Kevin will edit it but since hes M.I.A and you are newly recruited..you have to do it for me!” he commanded handing me a file and I was dying to say YES SIR but that would be awkward. “Yeah I will edit it till tomorrow” “Oh actually no! I want it in the next paper so tonight is the deadline” his expressions changed from soft to I don’t know what but he definitely had some mischief in his mind being all bossy. “Oh-um okay I will just drop it by then. Where will you be at night?” OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW BETTY! DUH. “Whyte Wyrm!” he spurted and my veins sparked. “Wh-wyrm? You know I can’t be there Jug!” “Why the hell not?” he asked. “Last time I was there at your crowning some freak threatened me because I’m a damn northsider” I said going down the awful memory lane. “Tall Boy? he won’t be a problem this time and.. since my dad..” he said and then stopped in between looking at the ground and I felt utter guiltiness in my veins. I was the damn reason his father was behind bars for something I did and my crazy stalker covered it up for me by sending the father of the boy I’m nuts for, to jail! How fortunate I am! “He’s not..around much since then” he completed. “Oh..I’m sorry Jug!” Okay Betty! time to get on point. Remember why you’re here in the first place. I took his hand and he looked up to me. “How are you holding up?” Perfect! I give perfect fake gestures of sympathy despite of the fact that I was having multiple wars inside my head, drowning in guilt and angry about my stalker but still.. looking at him, the feeling was getting stronger and I was two steps closer to my next mistake. He always makes me do things that my fake perfect self would never even think about. I was dangerous and it was all because of him and God knows what kind of drastic effect he has on me. “I’m okay..I guess” he said “he was never a good father or a good husband and he actually found his place.. Where a criminal like him belongs.. He’ll be at peace now for the rest of his life” once again my mind shouted at me. How about you use him to get to that skank? Would that be selfish? Who cares? I’m doing it. It’s time to play his dirty game my way. You’re doing good Betty just keep going. — “Last time I was there at your crowning some freak threatened me because I’m a damn northsider” she blurted. I remember that day clearly. She was standing far off with the Lodge bitch and I gifted Fangs a punch for flirting with Betty. Sweet Pea’s father the oldest living serpent scumbag gave me the crown and she stood there smiling as I wore it. She looked like a walking sex in the blue satin shirt and tight pink skirt with her hair down. I was so happy looking at her when my father brought a pink haired bitch in front of me and pronounced her my Queen without even asking what or who I want. The next day she was found dead in her trailer.

“Tall Boy? he won’t be a problem this time and.. since my dad..” I stopped in between to observe her reaction. I could see her guilt through her eyes and I was loving it. If only she knew what effect she has on me. She makes me go all crazy but what I hate the most is that I’ve had enough of suffering the madness all alone. I want her in it too. I want her to feel the same things I’ve felt. “He’s not..around much since then” I completed.

He’s not around because of me and nobody knows what went down in the wyrm the night Tall Boy came out to me about my plans and her crimes.

*flashback*

“I know what you’re doing boy” he shouted at me while a cigarette hung in between my lips. “You can’t pin all this on your father! You bastard!” “Easy Tall Boy. You don’t wanna mess with the king!” I smirked. “He is the one who made you King and you’re doing this bullshit to him?! To your father?” he shouted again. “Yeah I know..He is the one who dragged me in the serpents, he is the reason my mom left me and he is the damn reason JB died so yeah he deserves it!” I shouted back. “And you can’t possibly do anything to change my mind because THAT TIP has already been sent to the sheriff” I said and turned around until he spoke again. “I know who killed that Blossom boy and I know you’re doing this for that Cooper bitch” he spurted as my eyes turned red in anger. “I know she is the one who poisoned my niece and then her bitch mother published it as an Overdose of Jingle Jangle in her newspaper” I punched him before he could say more. Blood splattered from his face as he tried to maintain his balance. “Don’t you fucking dare disrespect your queen Tall Boy��� I said and walked away trying to control my anger and planning to get rid of him. And the next day he was missing.

“I’ll see you tonight Betty!” I said patting her back and leaving the room before I do something stupid because boy Archie is having a deep influence on me nowadays. Half of my days pass by thinking about Betty and her legs and the other half goes thinking that how can a man be possibly as brainless as Archie is. I guess I’ll never know.

After leaving school I went straight to Tall Boy just to make sure he’s still alive for a fresh punch because that bastard doesn't even deserve to die this soon after disrespecting Betty. I turned on the lights of the abandoned trailer and saw him awake, still struggling to let himself out of the chains I tied him with. “Are you ready for your final punishment Tall Boy? Do you have any last wish?” I smirked. “You’re not gonna get away with this!” he said. “Oh come on Tall Boy! last time I was here you were pleading for your life. Why this change all of a sudden?” “You will pay! Just wait and watch! she’ll slit your throat the way she did to the Blossom boy and then send your chopped up body to the serpents” “You have no idea what I’ll do to her once I’ll get her Tall Boy! She’s gonna be my perfect queen” I whispered. “But too bad you’re not gonna be there to see it when we’ll have the ceremony after the night I mark her” I laughed and took out my pocket knife. “Say goodbye to the world you worthless snake” “Before you kill me! Remember that JellyBean died because of you! not because of FP” he blurted as my eyes turned red once again and I slit his throat twice just to make sure that bearded bitch dies painfully and left not knowing why my eyes were raining all of a sudden. All the way back to Archie’s home I couldn't stop thinking about what he said but to distract myself I tried thinking about the night I’ll get my hands on her. Oh Betty! You have no idea..I will woo you in a dark place but unlike him you’ll be lying in my bed instead of a grave and screaming my name instead of screaming for mercy. — I was pretty nervous while getting ready for the Wyrm with the intention of getting laid tonight and I’m not complaining when it comes to the boy of my sinister dreams..I’ll let him do anything he wants to do to me even if its on a snooker table in the Wyrm.. What a fantasy Betty! I want everything to be perfect. I want to look irresistible and I want to bring his inner perv out and then I’ll make him go even more crazier.

I did the right thing! Toni was never the right one for Jughead and he surely doesn't know what I did to her little faux pink bitch. 

I was, I am and I will be the perfect one for him no matter what happens. He needs a woman like me who is deadly, sinful and head over heels in love with him, drowning in his lust and craving him since the day she found out that he likes to see her naked. He is such a beautiful emerald eyed, raven haired walking sin that with every look he makes me want to rip off that snake skin from his body and cherish him by tasting every inch of him.

Oh Juggy! I’ve committed so many sins for you and now I’m gonna take what’s rightfully mine. YOU. TONIGHT!

[wayhaughterthanyou]

OF COURSE I’M BACK. WHO WOULD I BE IF NOT LIVING IN YOUR BLOG WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SPAM YOUR ASKS? 1-100

You are very much welcome to spam my asks any time you’d like

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? Enough for my cereal to be moist but not enough for it to be swimming…also I hate milk and usually have coconut or a lactate free milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Honestly my favorite shit

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I used to get in trouble for reading a lot as a kid so I often used a ton of obscure things but I think my favorites were a shoelace and another book

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I depends on the kind of tea tbh but usually if it’s anything but black tea I’ll drink it plain. As for coffee I hate brewed coffee but I love espresso and I’ll drink that with anything but my favorite is probably an undertow

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? YES! I broke my two front teeth in middle school (long story) and I’ve just been bleh about it since

6: do you keep plants? I don’t but that sounds cute and now I’m sad that I don’t. Daddy needs a lil cactus or something

7: do you name your plants? I shall name my cactus Princess Rosalina Maria Fiore Montoya

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Writing and film

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Baby the only way to spread christmas cheer is singing loudly for ALL to hear

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? I used to sleep curled in a ball on my side but I have a back injury rn and can only sleep on my back and its terrible and I hate it

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Lisa.

12: what’s your favorite planet? Earth. The ocean literally makes me want to cry thinking about it

13: what’s something that made you smile today? Waking up and seeing this ask

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Like interior design? Oh wow, like a mix of modern and rustic? My brother and I are classy boys; we like to feel like we’re living in a spaceship and a cabin simultaneously

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! GOOGLE?? THAT WEBSITE FOR PLEBS WHO DONT KNOW SPACE FACTS?? The moon landing was faked.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Pene al Vodka

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Right now I kinda just want to bleach it but I’m not sure if I should do it before pride or after.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Umm there is a picture of me…called Jaba the Hyuck..and um.. yeah

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I don’t and I actually never have, however I have always written by hand so I used to always carry around a book.

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Trick question I have literally never seen an eyeball that I have not fallen in love with sooo

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My messenger bag, which has had both sides of the straps resewn, has been peed on by a resentful cat, and lugged around 30 pounds of bullshit my senior year

22: are you a morning person? I have to be! I wake up at 4:30 on weekdays for my job

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Play video games

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Yes which is weird saying that out loud

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? An abandoned preschool

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Vans high tops

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Okay so I hate actually chewing gum for a prolonged period of time anymore but I love the watermelon 5 gum

28: sunrise or sunset? Watching the sunset with someone and then staying up to watch the sunrise

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? @a-maelstrom​ thinks she’s tough but it just makes me want to pinch her cheeks ;)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? I live with 2 demons I’m scared every day of my life

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I used to hate socks but after losing 100 lbs really fast and having absolutely no more blubber to keep you warm you learn that socks are nice and are just here to keep you cozy. But I’ll only wear black ankle socks

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. We we’re playing Mario Party on my friends wii and we decided we were going to play until disney started airing the old shows like Kim Possible and shit, but then the batteries died. BUT there was a 711 around the corner that we could all walk to BUT we lived in a really jacked up town. Long story short we saw 3 drug deals on the way and when we got back I won the game and my friend rage quit and turned the system off before I had a proper chance to bask in my glory

33: what’s your fave pastry? I love Italian cookies

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Okay I had two, they were both life sized black labs, one a puppy and the other an adult, and they were called Big Blacky and Little Blacky cause I’m creative as fuck I still have them in a bag in the attic somewhere

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I only use on type of pen. Pilot Pen G.2 7.0mm

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? 99% of the time I’ll have an album that takes over my entire soul (because I used a technique with writing long works that involves music) and right now thats One Fell Swoop by The Spill Canvas

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I like it clean however my brother and I use it as a rec room right now so it’s like… a mess

38: tell us about your pet peeves! CHEWING. I don’t care if you resort to swallowing things whole around me I don’t want to hear you chew

39: what color do you wear the most? Black or blue

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I have a necklace that hasn’t left my neck since I was 15. It means everything

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? To Kill a Mockingbird is my favorite book, but the most recent one I’ve read and loved is called The Ables by Jeremy Scott

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I don’t! I wish I had a cute one that I went to

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I don’t think anyone’s actually amused me enough to look at the stars with me so I’m gonna say my dog cause I used to find constellations at night and he’d join me in the backyard and lay with me

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? I don’t lmao

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? I always do, which sometimes gets me into trouble but fuck it ya know

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. What do you call a lobster with a boob job at a dirty bus stop? A busty crustacean at a crusty bus station

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Spagettios

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Spiders. Hell yes motherfucker

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I do only because my brothers car only plays CD’s I have no idea what the last one I bought was though

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? I collect currency from other countries, but only the ones that I find in the US. Like going to a country and bringing back the currency is cheating, I have to find it here

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? The first person that came to mind is my brother and the song is Fear of Flying by A Rocket to the Moon

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Oh wow I don’t know man

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I have watched all of them. Beetlejuice and Pulp Fiction are amazing and I love them, but RHPS and Heathers (especially the musical) very much impacted my life and my art

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My dad when I told him he has white privilege

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Oh god I’m such a dramatic bitch I’ll do anything to prove a point

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Honesty, compassion and the ability to see past one’s own beliefs to at least try to understand someone else’s

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I don’t there’s been a time I’ve listened to that song without getting the chills and acting it out like a madman

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? My friend Adam is the wine aunt, my brother is the vodka aunt, and you can call me daddy

59: what’s your favorite myth? TSM Myth

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Very rarely

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?  A condom.. on both sides..cause we’re so funnny

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? I don’t have a “regular schedule” where I “consume nutrients” but I love apple juice

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Yes they’re me babes

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? It’s a beautiful blue and the sky writers are practicing for the air show coming up this summer

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? Yeah quite a few, but I might be seeing one at Pride

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Cute and classy

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Like the outside matches the inside

68: what’s winter like where you live? Sometimes we have blizzards and sometimes is 70 on christmas

69: what are your favorite board games? Monopoly and chess neither of which anyone will ever play with me

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Baby doll how do you think I got these demons

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? The twitter kind

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? I’m the type of person who knows I’ll forget but doesn’t write it down anyway

73: what are some of your worst habits? I crack everything

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. A lil honey bee

75: tell us about your pets! I HAVE 6! A big ol mutt named Roscoe and he’s my boy and i taught him everything he knows (hes good at turning tricks) a whippet and jack-Russel mix named Sandy and shes a lil dummy, then a tux cat named Domino thats scared of everyone, a fat orange cat named Max who got lazy and took a nap on a scale one day (hes 17lbs), my baby boy Bandit, he has mainecoon in him and he has an extra thumb and is my world, and I have a turtle named Peewee who we call Pubes

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Editing

77: pink or yellow lemonade? PINK

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I liked them in despicable me but it gets old seeing them everywhere

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? My cat loves me and thats all i can ask for

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Beige, nope my landlord

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. ROUND ORBS, SQUARE HOUSE

82: are/were you good in school? I hated it because I was smarter than everyone so everyone hated me

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? The art from Nothing personal by All Time Low, the deluxe edtion, but more specifically the art printed directly on the CD

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I have so many planned but I’m getting a farnsworth from Warehouse 13 that says “endless wonder”

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I read the Rick and Morty ones and I was big on batman in

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? They’re absoutely everything to me. Sgt. Peppers, Pet Sounds, Pretty Odd, One Fell Swoop, Broken Bride..ugh my shit

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Jaws, Wizard of Oz, a lot more that I can’t think of

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? I don’t like moving thanks

89: are you close to your parents? Nope

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Seattle!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Hopefully moving away

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? I’m gross and I have barely any

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? HAt

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My friend pat

95: what are your plans for this weekend? I’m about to eat a taco and smoke pot and I’ve got nothing after that

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? The time when my computer crashed after 80 questions was because it auto started an update because it wouldn’t allow me to put it off anymore

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INFP, Libra, and Ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? A couple of months ago when my town threw a concert in the part for Zebra, it was fun cause we smoked in the woods

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Oh, Calamity- All Time Low, Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea- Missio, This is for Keeps- The Spill Canvas

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Future. fuck old me that bitch is dumb i don’t wanna see him

THANK YOU FOR RETURNING TO MEEEEE! My ask is always open and I’m always SO VERY LONELY!

[lati-will]

How Can You Tell If You’re Being Spiritually Guided? 15 Discernment Tools

I’m in Boulder, Colorado right now with Trevor Hart, leading a Sounds True event about trusting the invisible forces of love to guide you in your life. Yesterday, we spent all day talking about how we can invoke spiritual guidance, the tools and practices that can help you receive guidance, and what gets in the way of opening to this kind of guidance. Today, we’ll be focusing on the tricky topic of discernment.

As Sounds True founder Tami Simon pointed out yesterday, without discernment, we can become flat out delusional in our efforts to seek out spiritual guidance. “What if someone sees seven butterflies,” she asked, “and he assumes that means he’s supposed to get seven wives?” We laughed at her example, but seriously — Hitler thought he was being spiritually guided to purify his race. Discernment is key. Without clear tools of discernment, an attempt to seek out and follow spiritual guidance can turn psychotic. After all, many schizophrenics think the television is talking only to them! The only thing that separates the mystics from the sociopaths and psychotics is discernment.

We’ll be talking about many tools for discernment in today’s Sounds True program, as well as in the 10 month Mystery School immersion Trevor and I will be teaching this year. (You can listen to Trevor and I teaching our free teleclass here.)

In short, there’s no simple answer to the question, “How can you tell if you’re being spiritually guided?” In fact, the very question calls to mind a story Rabbi Reb Zalman told about an enlightened master whose disciples were concerned about choosing another spiritual teacher after he died. The master told them to ask any prospective teachers a question. “Ask him what we should do with our thoughts that interrupt us in meditation, that drag us away. If he answers you, don’t take him as a teacher. It’s too facile to give such an answer.” In some ways, discerning whether you’re receiving accurate spiritual guidance is similar. If anyone tries to tell you they know for sure when they’re receiving clear guidance, be skeptical.

With that disclaimer, here are some key questions you can use to double-check yourself when you think you might be receiving spiritual guidance. Keep in mind that no single one of these questions is adequate for discernment. Don’t interpret your answers to all these questions literally. Use these questions as a prompt for your own intuition and discernment.

15 Discernment Questions

–Does it feel like ‘’shackles on’ or ‘shackles off’?

Does this make you feel like you’re in prison, or unfettered? Is the cage door open or closed? Do you feel the heaviness of the shackles or the lightness of being that comes with freedom. Martha Beck writes, “The Buddha often said that wherever you find water, you can tell if it’s the ocean because the ocean always tastes of salt.” By the same token, anywhere you find enlightenment—whatever improbable or unfamiliar shape it may have assumed—you can tell it’s enlightenment because enlightenment always tastes of freedom. Not comfort. Not ease. Freedom.” If you feel like you’re being guided, does it feel like freedom?

–Is it kind?

If you think you’re being guided to do something overtly cruel, insensitive or unkind, think again. Don’t mistake kindness for people-pleasing though. Trustworthy spiritual guidance is kind at heart, but it can also be tough love — complete with strict boundary setting and ferocious love. You may be guided to break a people-pleasing co-dependence pattern that may feel to someone else like your new boundary setting isn’t as kind as usual. Check the kindness meter in your own heart. Your heart will know.

–Is there Aliveness here?

This is a vitality check. True spiritual guidance rarely tells you to do something that makes you feel dead inside. The rational mind, the fear-based inner critic or the task-master superego may order you to do something that feels deadening, but spiritual guidance will not.

–Does it exhaust me or fill me with dread?

Your true nature may ask you to complete tasks that require you to hunker down and focus. You may even feel a certain weariness after saying yes to a calling that puts you on the front line of something big and scary. But even if your body is tired, you will also feel a certain excitement, a rightness and lightness of being, and positive flow of energy through your body. You may feel scared. You may have butterflies in your solar plexus. But if you feel dread, you can be pretty certain the guidance isn’t pure.

–Does it nourish or deplete me?

Even when spiritual guidance asks you to do something that requires a lot of energy, true guidance will only ask you to do things that fill you with spiritual energy and do not require you to give away all of you own personal energy.

–Does it feel natural, efficient, easeful, peaceful and graceful?

This question, from Joan Borysenko and Gordon Dveirin’s wonderful book Your Soul’s Compass, always help me breathe more easily when I’m discerning whether guidance is real. As they discovered by interviewing priests, rabbis, Sufi masters, Christian mystics, sages, intuitives, and gurus, spiritual guidance usually feels natural, efficient, easeful, peaceful and graceful.

–Does it make sense?

While spiritual guidance may often ask you to do things that feel crazy, common sense is still a useful discernment tool. It certainly didn’t make sense when my spiritual guidance told me to leave my job as a doctor ten years ago. So as with all the questions, this question doesn’t work on its own. But if spiritual guidance is asking you to do something that violates your common sense, slow down. Ask for clarification and confirmation. If you’re not sure, it’s OK to ask for more guidance.

–Will it hurt anyone?

As with the “Is it kind?” question, this doesn’t mean your irresponsible 30-year-old son won’t get his feelings hurt when you set a boundary and tell him he has to move out of the house if he can’t contribute to the household as a mature adult. It also doesn’t mean you may not be guided to hurt someone who breaks into your house and is threatening your kids. It’s simply a prompt to remind you that if your guidance is potentially dangerous or hurtful to someone else, double check yourself.

–Would Love do this?

This is one of my favorite questions because it’s so expansive. What would love do? Sometimes love forgives unforgivable acts. Sometimes love leaves. But there’s nothing more powerful in the universe.

–How does this feel in my body?

Does your body feel contracted or expansive? Is it saying “Hell yeah” or “Hell no?” When you consider what you feel you are guided to do, do you get a headache or feel nauseous? Do you feel exhausted or enlivened? Does your heart light up? Check in. Let your body be your compass .

–Am I rushing?

In my experience, trustworthy spiritual guidance doesn’t rush you unless someone’s life is at risk. If you’re not clear, you can always ask the invisible forces of love for confirmation. Pray for another sign, a dream, a clear knowing or seeing or gut instinct. Slow down and get quiet. Listen deeply. Pay attention. You will get your answer. You just may not get your answer on someone else’s deadline. If you feel pressured to rush, the answer is probably “Not yet.” Urgency usually stems from fear and scarcity. But true guidance isn’t afraid and it’s ever-plentiful. There’s always enough.

–Is it coercive or controlling?

If what you feel guided to do is coercive or controlling of someone else, pause. Love doesn’t coerce or control.

–Is it ethical and aligned with my core values?

This one is so important that I could write a whole blog post just about this. I met a shaman who defended his sexual molestation of a client because he said, “I was being spiritually guided to give her a sexual healing.” Bullshit. I’m not saying that ethics are black and white or that you might be led into grey territory from time to time, but if you think you’re being guided to do something that might be a blatant ethics violation, think again.

–Will this cultivate the stillness in me?

This one is HUGE and it’s not often emphasized in our busy, rushed culture. So many things you might enjoy leave you feeling hyped up, manic, and on edge. As one guy who lived on a wild game reserve in Africa told me when he was breaking up with his girlfriend, “I used to think that the excited feeling I got when I was with her was love. But then I realized it was actually the feeling I get when I’m with an unpredictable wild animal.” Sometimes what we interpret as excitement is actually a physiological stress response. Choose the people, work, and experiences that cultivate relaxation responses in your nervous system.

–What’s true and not true about this situation?

Sometimes we get confused because we think it’s a black or white answer we’re seeking. But maybe it’s both/and. Sometimes the solution that resonates in your heart is a paradox.

Are you being guided? Do you have what the Quakers would call a “leading?” Run through these questions and see if they help. Also, don’t be afraid to seek out trustworthy guidance from therapists, spiritual counselors, and reputable intuitives, energy healers and shamans. Often, they can help confirm what you already know in your heart of hearts.

Trusting your discernment.

By: Lissa Rankin, MD

[preciousyellowidiot-blog]

Some ramble. Mostly about Kida. I love Kida okay.

First of all, I’m not 100% sure as to why I’m posting this hahaha, but I always like to talk about Durarara!! so here I am again!

Like all my posts actually this is a purely copy pasted with no editing of me annoying my friends with this serie. It is NOT meant to be a professional review or something or be an objective insight of the serie it is purely personal.

Now before you read this does this have salt? WELL YEAH looking at it again personally and since it was meant as me talking one on one with someone, yeah it does have salt.

Salt mostly come from the 2010 and about fandom when the serie was ALL THE RAGE. It has been 7 years. The community is much calmer now I guess.

Now before you read this again...

Is Kida a perfect character? No. Not at all. I could list 12309123 stupid things the kid did, that doesn’t stop him from being my personal fave. I just... talk about the parts I wanna talk about.

Do I hate Izaya? No, though I could talk a lot about fanon Izaya, but I TOTALLY put fan content and interpretation apart from canon. I *LOVE* canon Izaya. Absolutely. I could talk about him too. If this makes me come pass as hating the character, I’m sorry it’s not the case.

I’m 16 and I love Durarara!! and BL why me?! Obviously I’m generalizing, obviously I’m flawed. And I do really like yaoi hahaha. I’m just a person who talks too much about a serie I love and ends up posting it. I think I’m pretty disconnected to the movement of manga/anime community in general, see me as someone who just comes like *pokes head in the room* “Ey guys here’s my insight”.

Are you complaining about the fan content? I won’t hide it, yeah. Am I hypocritical since I do some and consume some? A bit I guess. I’m naturally a canon purist, but really I’m a human being. I’m not white and black. Plenty of times I did the fan thing with friends sharing fanarts and shit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If you’ve seen me two years ago I had some shit because I said something about Shizuo x Izaya... and ironically nobody knew I actually like the ship to some extent. Depending of its portrayal I enjoy it plenty. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In the Durarara!! anime, they kept mostly Kida’s airhead/flirty facade and removed the darker, mature part of him mostly (I mean they kept big parts of it through his inner monologue which I love). I noticed a lot of anime fans think he's pretty stupid and get on their nerves. And I mean he is stupid about things he does don't get me wrong he does a lot of stuff wrong, but there's a depth in character to him that isn't shown.The thing about Kida is that he looks like an idiot, but he's hiding his dominant and threatening facade. So in the second part of the anime, where it is his time to shine and be all badass, he looks just pretty pathetic tbh. (NOT that he must not look pathetic at some point the boy is at the end of his roll)

(I love so many things about the new manga like HOW AOBA LITERALLY SHOWS UP IN KIDA'S CLOTHES.THINKING YOU CAN REPLACE HIM.YOU MOTHERFUKCER.)

Lately I was really happy because since I've had Kida's blog (about two years?) I've had spiked of people sending messages to talk about the serie and what to get out from it, like confusing parts and stuff. 

And often I'm like

"W8 like the serie ended in the 2000s you never―"

No because apparently outside BL fanfictions there's nothing very highlighted in what I’ve seen in the fandom on multiple social medias (for example most of whatever I see on Kida is... Mikida, or how much Saki is such a fake girlfriend). Like how can I put it it takes A LAAAAAAARGE PLACE and it makes my eyes open in... surprise I guess. Then again, the serie is known for having an audience like this.

Durarara!! was written off like the Monogatari (IDK why it’s the first example I have) serie of some sort, it was mostly a mystery light novel mixed with slice of life with some sexy mysterious female characters.

At first, young adults were drawn to it by its more down-to-earth theme and also teenagers because of the cool characters and all. Then it grew om popularity somehow with the male characters. Even the author at some point commented how surprising it was for him. So the novels took the initial direction of the mystery story and so did the manga which is extremely close to the novels.

While the anime studio, after the first anime part (which is what made the popularity burst) went "huehuehue let's make money out of fujoshis" and it's only that.I really feel like the second part of Durarara!! where fanon portrayals sometimes eh. "Oh no, Kida is not supposed to be a more matured (compared to his initial maturity) BUT STILL BOYISH and impulsive gang leader in part two who fixed his issues, no he needs to be a dorky shota boy." Me: oh godammit.

I did talk about the anime/manga in the past.

(The French community I was active in really liked mostly the mystery parts with Celty, the yakuzas and Shizuo. Then again I mostly talked to adult males, the younger members had other interests (which weren’t necessarily bad I’m NOT saying omg we were so elitist liking Durarara!! while you guys were watching Naruto it’s just it wasn’t as popular. So there may be just me being shocked at suddenly 360° different insight.) I had awesome talks with them and I still get a lot of great talks on here too!

I take real pride so far I got messages of 14 people to watch the entirety of DRRR!! and 3 to read the novels solely because of my blog? With 3 people who rewatched the serie to focus on Kida and sending me messages about how they now get his character and other characters better?

That's like. To me the ultimate goal? It was entirely unintentional on my part, tbh I just expected salt and shiet like I had back when the serie was more popular and eeeyyy!

I mean. You can’t say you wouldn’t be totally happy for people to say they love the serie you like and your fave because of you..!

A lot of Durarara!! with its deep characters are the subtlety in it (on top of my head I think the Van Gang is the biggest one in it, like how Erika and Walker’s darker side is, JUST LIKE WITH A LOT OF CHARACTERS, shown with comedy which totally turns off the threatening side of it). I will sound mean I guess (but he got enough love to patch a rough part) but Izaya's character is a lot about "I love all humans" and "humans are my peons"... however he's not one of the most interesting character (to me); he's the one clearest to read in its "philosophical edginess", thus why to me he's so popular among the teen viewers (he has a VERY interesting insight in other ways but I believe it is not in the same direction). Izaya is a complex character. But is he most complex than the others? I don’t think so. In my view, his complexity is easier to see at first glance, but that doesn’t mean he’s less complex than others who are harder to ponder upon.

Izaya will say a deep philosophical monologue, like when he convinces in first episode a teenage girl to kill herself (which although it wasn’t in the novel was a very strong and well summarized scene to present him - novels imply things, but showing it in a visual medium is an excellent idea). Somehow in the fandom, a lot of quotes of DRRR!! are with Izaya's philosophy and often tagged as "too real", while the rest of the serie shows not with words but with actions that Izaya's point of view is not that true (the point of the story being "The world isn't as bad as you think" when it's in a yakuza and tragic setting).

Even characters verbally contradict him but of course they're side characters and not the hottest so we'll never quote them in posts uh.

(That's what really hit me when I came to tumblr. I normally watch a lot lot lot lot of things, but after I'm done I move on and don't do anything about it but talk about it to my IRL friends. Meeting internet fandoms was like a huge slap in the face.)

It's not that I don't like him, Izaya is pretty much in an edgy teenage phase and doesn't wnat to get out of it. In the novels he himself state that "I'm forever 2X." and refuses aging. His whole character is about staying in his teens. Young fandom sees it as extremely deep, while really it is quite simple, just that his philosophy, which is what literally every teenager goes through, is somehow put on a pedestal because of his charisma.

The point of Izaya's character is that he's so screwed but so charismatic he swoons teenagers (such as Saki) - if you notice every adult characters take him as a moron and a kid. Izaya plays with teenagers because they're weaker and has a hard time manipulating adults. Which I find in itself both ironic and kind of annoying because his charismatic manipulation works on the fandom like????? They believe him??????? Like talking about his quotes. One of Izaya’s quote is after he got Saki in a coma (and implied sexual abuse and shit by a gang...) and that Kida is pretty much there (14 years old jfc) not knowing what to do and realizing he was deceived.

Izaya tells him "Your guilt will be your past, and that will be your God."

And it is true, for the year Kida spends. When he tries to turn a new page to have a peaceful life with Mikado, he still go see Saki everyday after school and he's so strong to get past his fucked up past that he eventually goes to Saki to formally break up with her. Because now he has a normal life with his childhood friend and is looking for even a new girlfriend (which is Anri who he is genuinely interested in).

Of course Izaya told Saki to plant seeds in Kida's mind, such as her faking to not be able to walk anymore because he wants Kida to still feel guilty or have her say things like "In all girls you'll see me. You'll hug her, kiss her, but you'll always love only me."

Then in the serie, Kyohei tells Kida "If you want to run from your past, fine. But whatever you do, don't run away from your present or worse, your future. No matter how much you try to escape it, you can't get away from what you were part of."

And then in the season finale, that's when Kida says in his inner monologue. "Saki, I'm not afraid anymore; I'll catch up to my past very soon." And then he pretty much goes to kill someone and kill himself in the process.

And I'm like

LITERALLY the whole serie and Kida's arc and Kyohei completely fucks up what Izaya tried to do since the beginning (or try patching up the broken pieces). So why is Izaya's quote  "Your guilt will be your past, and that will be your God." is the only one I see in every goddamn post.

I’m not saying what Izaya says is 100% false, but it’s WAY not 100% true. Durarara!! itself shows a grey area everywhere, with tones of being lighter although at first glance it seems darker.

And people talks about Kida like "Bouhou lots of self-deprecation and depression he never forgets his past" and I'm like "what no the whole serie sees him moving on". The whole point of Kida's arc is his recovery even if everything wants to pull him back to where he was before. The only time he re-dives in it's to die so he can protect Anri.

Literally the kid more or less does every first good steps to have a better life and life just shit on him.

After getting manipulated by the only adult he trust during an extremely fragile preteen period, spent all your teenage insecurities into a bloody bludgeoning gang war in Ikebukuro (with fucking preteens, preteens don’t DO THAT) and have your girlfriend beaten (and implied more) and into a coma. Man at 14 I would have fucked up so bad.

And Kida just sits down to his computer and is like "I can have a new life, I must not give up." and invites his best friend to Ikebukuro, the only stable and loving element of his life he has (maybe not thee best thing but ey kid’s 15 now, alone, no guidance, pls I’m lonely Mikado come to me). And then he even finds a new girl to pursue. He goes to his toxic girlfriend who’s totally enamored and obsessed with Izaya and tells her "We're done now." and leaves, even if inside him he still loves her, but he knows it's not good for him. (It ends up with Saki realizing, telling everything Izaya has done, apologizes and Kida being too good for this world and forgives her)

He only comes back into the gang after he heard a gang attacked Anri. And he knows that to protect her from this huge new gang, he has to fight fire with fire and the whole time he's depressed, keep screaming in his head THEY BROUGHT ME BACK... FUCK because he's going to the start since his recovery. But Kida sees Anri has way more important than him, thus why he “sacrifices” himself to keep her innocence, which is why he’s so shocked when it is hinted that Anri is involved in more and ends up with her slapping him. Pretty much he thinks everything he’s done is for nothing and that the one he tried to protect so much was as backstabbing and fucked up as the rest of the people he put his trust into.

THEN OH JOY HE REALIZES THE GANG WHO WAS SAID TO ATTACK ANRI is the gang who attacked Saki (so both girls he liked were screwed by the Blue Squares)

And afterwards his best friend becomes obsessed with the gang world and becomes the leader of the gang who fucked his girlfriend and tried to get Anri. (I mean the members are methods are not the same with Aoba coming back, but it is still the same flag, the same organization, etc.)

BUT HE STILL FIGHTS. That guy needs hugs.

[at-least-ill-die-a-lionturtle]

All of the questions. 💖

** Links are in bold **

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? It depends on the cereal. Raisin Bran gets 50/50 milk-to-cereal ratio, while something like Fruity Pebbles gets a 30/70 milk-to-cereal ratio

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? I CHERISH IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Whatever happens to be the closest, flat object

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I like my coffee as such: 50% coffee, 30% half&half, 20% sugar. Im going to assume this means hot tea, which Ive only had green. But I like my green tea with three sugars.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Very. I have bad gaps on all my front teeth

6: do you keep plants? No, but I really want to :3

7: do you name your plants? I will give them lovely names. Like Hamish, and Ludacris

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Music

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I DO, I do it all the time

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Mostly side and stomach. I roll around a lot

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Hey Karen, have you sent those faxes?

12: what’s your favorite planet? Mars

13: what’s something that made you smile today? A few things. My girlfriend, Rob Schneider, Achievement Hunter

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Like this, I’d imagine15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! On Venus a day is longer than a year. The length of time it takes to complete one whole orbit around the Sun is 224.7 Earth days. However it takes 243 Earth days to rotate on its axis just once.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Uhm… Lasagna? I need more time to think about this lol

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Ive dyed it blue before, it started off kinda dark and ended like a bubblegum blue. Next time I wanna dye it like this but darker

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. The time during marching band when we did our invitationals. Me and a buddy were in charge of the water station, and the valve on one of the jug-thingies wasnt working right. I told my buddy, “Hey, it wont work right unless you flick it first.” And the band director of the band walking buy, he was like 70 years old, kinda sounded like Old Man Jenkins from Spongebob. He said, in a tone that he knew EXACTLY what kinda joke he was making, “It works when I flick it!” And we were literally rofl

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I keep a dream log, but I havnt updated it in years. Its not very often that I remember enough of my dreams to actually write them down. But I’ll go ahead and make posts with the two that Ive kept, here and here

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Greens and blues

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Ive got this Halo 3 messenger bag thats like a Desert Storm color. One end of the strap has come off, a lot of the ends are frayed, and one of the zippers no longer works.

22: are you a morning person? Ive always been a morning person, and I also used to be a night owl. But now I struggle to stay up past 10pm

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Watch Youtube and play video games

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Yeah (:

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? My own home lmao

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My stupid fucking work boots lol Only pair of shoes I own

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Trident Layers Strawberry Citrus

28: sunrise or sunset? Primarily sunrise, but also sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? When @pizzaboxx​ attacks the patriarchy

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes, quite a few times actually. I almost tumbled down a mountain in a Jeep Wrangler when I was 7

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I think okay about socks. I like wearing weird socks, I have a pair of Captain America ones with little wings. I do sleep with socks. I mostly do yeah lol Im pretty much always wearing socks unless swimming or showering is involved

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Partook in some hooliganism at a Walmart, which included, but was not limited to, prank calling 9-11.

33: what’s your fave pastry? Bear claw and/or apple fritter

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Ive had an Orca named Oscar since I was like 10

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Nah, not really

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Faunts

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? It kinda goes back and forth

38: tell us about your pet peeves! God damn, thats a list for another day lol

39: what color do you wear the most? Black and other dark colors. But Ive picked up a small array of light colored clothes over the last few years

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I own an Amulet of Stendarr. It increases your Block skill by 10%. Stendarr is the Tamriellic god of Justice and Mercy. He is the patron of cleric-type folks, as his devout followers, the Vigilant of Stendarr, travel the lands rooting out demons and undead such as vampires.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Hm… I dont really know. My memory is shite and I havnt read a book in full in SO long

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really, never have really been to an actual coffee shop. FUCKIN LOVE WAWA THO

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Alex 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? I dont know if Ive ever truly felt like that. But Ive been close a few times.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Not a lot, but on occasion.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Fucking anything with cabbage. Oh, and candy corn. Fight me.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I used to be really afraid of the dark, but not really anymore.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I LOVE cds! And I’ll start getting records when I get a record player. The last cds I bought was a Weezer collection. It had Blue, Pinkerton, Green, Make Believe, and Red.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Nothing that I can think of, really.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? MY buddy Sam; You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? None really. But Im sure something good will come around.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? No, no, yes, and yes. I really like Beetlejuice, and I LOVE Pulp Fiction.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? poop

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Im not really sure

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? The passion for something they love

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I ALWAYS dramatically re-enact the lyrics. HOW CAN YOU NOT?!

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Dont know about wine mom, but my friend Caitlyn is DEF the vodka aunt lmao

59: what’s your favorite myth? The American Dream

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I do, but I dont go out of my way to read it

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I honestly cant think of anything right now, for either situation

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? I drink juice literally whenever possible, preferably apple juice.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Leave them to be

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Midnight blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? YES. My group of friends from back home, and my baby sister

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Made of blue Morning Glory’s and pink Hibiscus

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? SO GOOD. I always feel in a better mood.68: what’s winter like where you live? One week of frigid temps and occasionally Fall like temps but mostly in mid to high 70′s69: what are your favorite board games? Battleship, Scrabble, hmmm. Thats all I can think of at the moment70: have you ever used a ouija board? Never71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Sweet iced tea. Im also trying out some Scottish Heather tea right now and its quite delightful72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? YES. I am so forgetful lmao73: what are some of your worst habits? Forgetfulness is the root of most, if not all, of my bad habits. So Imma go with that.74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Loud, but also quiet at times. Very laid back, but adventurous. Trust-worthy and reliable. Never afraid of a good dick joke.75: tell us about your pets! OKAY! First dogs, then cats. Otis is a momma’s boy and loves socks. Charlie is energetic but loves being lazy on the bed AND BORFS LOUD AT SQUIRRELS and will steal your food without a second thought. Sheep is blind and likes the bathroom. Izzy is hella stressed and barks at EVERYTHING. Bojack is a grandpa with literal Alzheimers and sleeps A LOT. Lady chews on EVERYTHING and often throws up stuff like string and leaves and loves to be held. Gizmo likes to jump up against your leg and rip apart your flesh with his little raptor claws. Dobby gets hurt and cold easy but plays SUPER rough and is a MAJOR GROANER when sleepy and stuff.  NOW CATS. Oscar is smol and cuddly and gets cold, but he PEES EVERYWHERE. NOTHING IS SACRED. Bones is also smol and very shy, doesnt like the other cats and REALLY LOVES Charlie. Frizzo is sweet most times but growls at everything and is an ASSHOLE to Bones and Carter. Carter stays away and hidden, she doesnt like the other animals. Will boop you when she wants attention. Lucy is our angry son, he is a super asshole to all the cats except Bones because thats his girlfriend, and is especially mean to Frizzo and Carter. He has an old man face when he’s tired.76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Going to bed lol Super tired, but I need to finish my tea.77: pink or yellow lemonade? Yellow78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I dont hate them, but I dont like them either79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Alex has done plenty of cute things for me, because everything she does is cute :380: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Fucking fake wood panels. We did not :P81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. I dont know too much about any of my friends eyes???82: are/were you good in school? NOPE lol83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Really like the album artwork of Deep Blue by Parkway Drive84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I AM! I have a few specific ones planned, but also a bunch of inspiration here!85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I do not, but I really want to! I want to get into Spider-Man, The Flash, Ms. and Captain Marvel, Guardians of the Galaxy, and anything Teen Titans related.86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I think this is a concept album?87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Good Will Hunting, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Her88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Expressionism and Impressionism89: are you close to your parents? LOL NOPE90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. FUCKING LOVE SAVANNAH. Its the perfect blend of historic and modern. Right on the beach/river. Lots of cool things going on. Also downtown is BEAUTIFUL.91: where do you plan on traveling this year? No idea lol92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? DROWN IT.93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Varied lengths, and its really hard to tame my hair. Even with gel and shit. So I just let it do its own thing mostly.94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? An old friend from Runescape95: what are your plans for this weekend? Not a got damn thing!96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I used to procrastinate them a lot, but Ive gotten better at it97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? It changes almost every time I take it, but I think its ISFP? Taurus. Gryffindor but I relate to Hufflepuff as well98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Like over a year ago, I went with my buddy Sam and it was a pretty good time.99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Jesus Doesnt Mosh - The Ambulance Review, Engine 45 - The Ghost Inside, Broken Mirrors - Mercy Screams, Rise Against, like just in general; [This Is More; We’re What Separates the Heart from the Heartless; Amber; Some Kind of Hope; Sufferer/La Poderosa; Diamond; Ring Loud (Last Hope); D(I AM)OND; Built Upon the Sand; The Suspend] songs in brackets are by Stick to Your Guns. Im total trash, sorry not sorry.100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Easy, I would definitely go back five years into the past. It would be awesome to have my current knowledge so I could better prepare myself for my life today.

[selfcompassion88]

12.05.19

I'm writing this in order to fully move on and feel less shit about myself. Ever since he left me (btw I'll say that often because I feel like the term 'break-up' can only be used if you were actually in a relationship) omg have I been through a roller-coaster of emotions. First I was kind of in denial, then I felt used by him and blamed him, then I got over it, then I held onto hope that he would message me because in my head I literally thought I was THE BEST THING that ever happened to him, then I missed him, then I blamed myself nit-picking at where I went wrong and threw it on myself that I was the reason it ended, and now I just kind of accept that it ended. I look back at my time with him and I do miss him I guess. Not that much but I do think it'll be hard to find someone like him. We weren't perfect for each other but damn at times I thought we were so compatible. They say that sometimes you are just with someone because you like the idea of being in a relationship but that wasn't the case with him. I was happy with him because I liked him as a person. I'm currently reading this blog called "How to fix a broken heart: The foolproof ways according to a psychologist" and I'm just going to por my heart out by using each step to guide me. The reason why I'm doing this is because I want to be able to find peace and to stop blaming myself for what happened. I don't want to feel shit, guilty, embarrassed or curious about it anymore and most importantly writing this will let me get rid of all the hope I hold onto in regards to getting back together. I really want to let go of that part so much because that is what's making it extremely difficult to move forward.

So, this is gonna hurt to bring up, it always does. The reason why he wanted to end it is because he "didn't feel a spark" and when he thought about our future, it "didn't excite him". He wanted to break it off with me before I lost my virginity to him but let me tell ya mate, what made you think that I would have? Only I know this but after that Friday, I didn't know if I wanted to give it away straight after we fooled around. That day, he didn't fully make me feel comfortable and reassured that it made me want to push it out a little while longer (if we were still together). Of course I was gonna be bad and awkward, insecure and embarrassed. I've literally never showed my body to anyone before. How I look naked is something I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember. Not even my mum who's a nurse who has seen so many private body parts has seen my body (the body she made!) bare. Anyway, he says that's the reason. It could be the truth and I doubted this for so long because it was so sudden and literally went from 0 to 100 way too quickly. The thing I have to realise is that it isn't my fault. A few weeks afterwards I thought "was it because I was too judgy and needed reassurance" but what I have to remember was that he wasn't perfect either because HE PERPETUATED THIS. Like how was I not meant to be if he kept bringing up his ex. Especially as someone who is insecure enough, it was hard to just ignore what he was saying about them and to move past it. Like why the hell would you say to the girl your dating "I don't care how perfect the NEXT GIRL is, I'm gonna make sure she's not Asian". Like ok buddy. You do what's best for you you inconsiderate asshole. Like yeah, I may have come across as this and this and maybe that's why he wasn't excited to share his future with me but damn his head was so caught up in the past that he couldn't fully live immerse himself in the present. That says more about him than it does about me. Also, he probably wanted to explore other options because he never got to do that. Idk if he wants to hook-up or date and get to know other girls, and its not my business to care anymore. But if he's someone that's always after something better, he's not gonna be happy. Not that I was a goddess or perfection but I hope that if this is the case he'll realise sooner or later that he ended it with someone who really understood him and liked him. I thought it was because I wasn't thin enough, physically attractive enough, frisky enough like his ex, smart enough or weird enough and lowly at one point I thought it had something to do with my brother and the fact that he didn't want to stick around to deal with that part of my life but all I can offer is myself and if that's not good enough for you, your doing me a favour by leaving and I REALLY WANT TO REMEMBER THAT whenever our relationship comes to mind. I'm sick of doubting myself and amplifying my insecurities because one insignificant boy wasn't excited (and in case I forget, knowing who he was it would literally take a whole lot of effort and charade for him to be excited because the guy had no emotion) and nothing I offered was good enough in his eyes. I'm not the issue and I'm tired of thinking I am. I have to remember and remind myself that yeah I wasn't perfect but it was my first real relationship and dating experience. It wasn't gonna be second nature for me. I'm gonna say things and do things that people in their 2nd or 3rd relationship don't do. Also I think it's very important for me to bring up the fact that I am willing to have sex in a relationship and at some point try different things, but man I'm not gonna feel guilty for saying no because I didn't wanna get in bed with you within the first two weeks that I met u. Like fricken I know ur ex-gf was willing to give u a BJ in school-ground before y'all probably even conversed, but I'm not that type of person and I'm honestly proud of it. My body and what I choose to do with it is my own and as cheesy as it sounds, it's my sanctuary; my safe place. I'm not gonna let you have any access to my body without knowing truly well the type of person you are. To me, this is a form of self-respect and self-love. How am I meant to build my self-worth if I let someone have access to my body so easily as if it didn't take me years to accept it myself. Nuh Uh boo. But you know what, I reckon I was a pretty good "girlfriend" and a great catch. For my first experience I reckon I handled so many new things well like disagreements (FK YEAH I was so mature), jealousy, I wasn't clingy which I think a lot of girls exhibit clinginess when they enter their first relationship, I was independent, not an emotional wreck and I was so fun. He let go of a girl who was easy to be with because she wasn't hurt by the world yet. She's someone who's rare to come by. But now she's kind of changed because of you. Not too much but she can't wear her heart on her sleeve like she did before. It's slightly guarded now. She's now more sceptical of boys and questions what they'll do to her heart. He's not coming back, we're not getting back together and I don't want to if the opportunity were to arise again. He hurt me so suddenly man. He doesn't deserve someone like me in his life. This was my first heartbreak and I've learnt so much from it. I'll get over it COMPLETELY one day and I can't wait till I do. I'm excited for the day I can look back at our relationship and laugh at the fact that I let him get to me so much. He ain't shit and boys ain't shit. I will find someone one day who is so perfect for me that I understand why it didn't work out with all the other guys I dated. The most important thing I can do is to grow from this, focus on myself, find inner peace and become the best version of myself that I can be.