#also yeah - lung cancer is serious business but tell me which one would you rather pass away from? that or being machete’d by the cartel

[chikatilosgirl]

okay so I lurk on a subreddit that is similar to “eyeblech”, where the posts are usually accidents, death, violence, cartels, medical gore, etc. a nasty subreddit for sure!

but I love how when you type in some country on the search bar like “Russia”, or “Mexico”, or “Brazil” there’s of course all kinds of brutality you can imagine

but when you type in “canada” the first post that usually pops up is: ScArY CiGaReTtE pAcKaGiNg

[anogete]

In Between

Hi, folks.  I’m sorry I have nothing to offer as far as fic goes.  Things have been... ::sigh::  You know, I don’t know what things have been.  Not good, not bad.  Just... things.  I wanted to talk--get things out of my head--this morning, but I realized I don’t have a person/outlet who can accept these things right now.  So, I will put them here for anyone who cares to read them.

1) My car blew up.  Well, the engine did.  I was on my way back home with groceries last Saturday, and I lost all ability to accelerate and brake.  So, I puttered out on the side of the road and waited to be saved.  The issue may be covered under the warranty so I had it taken to the dealership.  They’ve had it for a week and still don’t have answers for me besides an offer to lend me a car for free until they can figure out what to do with my car.

2) This deserves it’s own point, though I almost included it on the first point.  I’ve never bought a car without my grandmother.  She was under five feet tall and had a tendency to wear sweat pants and Christmas sweaters year-round.  She smoked Winston Lights and carried a purse covered in rhinestones.  The car salesmen didn’t know what hit them because she wasn’t at all the sweet old lady who would roll over and accept their first offer.  She was hard to read and she wouldn’t give an inch.  She also wouldn’t tell them what she was willing to pay.  No counter offers from her; she’d just tell you to “do better.”  Anyway, she worked her magic when I bought all three of my cars.  When I realized the problem with the engine was serious and might require me getting a new car, I went into a mental tailspin.  Yeah, yeah, I was worried about fitting it into my budget and all that, but mostly I couldn’t seem to cope with buying a car on my own without my grandma there to hold my hand.  I’m almost 39 years old and the thought of doing this without her had me sobbing in the floor.  Except, I didn’t realize my tailspin was due to my grandmother at first.  At first, I just thought I was incapable of handling stress.  Maybe that’s still accurate.

3) While we’re talking about expensive-ass shit, I knew the air conditioner and furnace on this house needed to be replaced sooner rather than later when I bought it last February.  It looks like the time has come.  I managed to find a nice man with very odd hair (think a longer version of the Prince Valiant hair-do, but bright white) through my boyfriend’s dad.  He does this for a living and said he’d give me a discount and do for $5,000 what other places were telling me would cost $9,000.  So, that’s happening next week.  I have the money, but the idea of writing a $5,000 check makes me want to puke.  Ugh.

4) The days are running together.  I’m working from home.  I can’t complain, though.  I’ve got it better than most.  I’m alone all day.  I have a library with a desk.  I can go downstairs and make tea or lunch in my own kitchen.  I’m getting paid my full salary with bonuses.  I can pretty much make my own hours.  The company I work for is taking the pandemic seriously and has told us that we can all work from home until we feel comfortable returning to the office.  Their timeline for “normal” is months.  I don’t think I’ll be back in the office until late summer, if that.  Those who want to return are permitted to, but they can’t use the public areas (kitchen, conference rooms) and have to abide by some strict safety requirements.  And they can choose when and how often they go into the office, working the remainder of the time at home.  So, better than most.

5) I’ve been doing this social distancing thing since March 19th.  It’s not difficult for me.  On good days I’ll exercise (I have a Peloton) before logging into work around 9am.  On not-good days (which seem to be more often than not), I’ll skip the exercise and just log into work early.  Work keeps me busy and I spend a decent amount of my day on the phone with clients.  I go to the grocery store once a week, but I order for pickup.  Someone else does the shopping for me and loads it into my trunk.  This is nothing new.  I’ve been shopping that way for years.  Now it’s just harder to get my usual pickup slot because everyone else has joined the party.  I do miss taking a break from work and leaving my office to grab a coffee and sit outside on a bench downtown.  I guess I could do that outside my own house, but it just doesn’t feel the same.

6) A few months ago, a husband and wife who are clients came in to meet with me at my office.  They’re in their 80s and both were having trouble walking.  They parked in the garage next door and couldn’t find the elevator to exit.  I walked over and escorted them to our office building.  They were both struggling with walking and the wife (Rose) had been fighting lung cancer for a couple years, so I suggested they wait outside and I’d valet their car once we were done.  The thought of making the trek to their car alone was painful to me because it was a monumental struggle for them to walk down a hallway.  Their daughter-in-law called me two days ago.  Rose passed away two weeks ago.  The husband, a former literature professor for a university, was in the hospital with four broken ribs because he’d fallen shortly after Rose’s passing.  He was a Jewish child in Nazi Germany during the war.  He’d told me stories about hiding from the Nazis, surviving off of tree bark and whatever he could find in the forests.  He also jokingly told me that he’d live until he was 120.  Now, it looks like he won’t survive the year.  He and Rose would tease each other all the time, but you could see all that love between them. Whenever I’d call him, he’d ask me in that wonderful accent to wait while he got “the boss” on the phone as well.  Rose thought it was silly that she was “the boss,” but she humored him.  You know, they’re shorties, too.  Five foot, nothing.  Just like my grandma.  Hearing that Rose was gone and Dr. (he’s a PhD) was likely soon to follow just broke my already fragile heart.

7) Fragile heart, huh?  Yeah.  After the car situation and the realization that one day I’m going to have to do big life things without having my grandma to help me, I was feeling pretty raw.  But I’ve been trying to be responsible and do things I’ve been putting off lately.  So, I gathered up all those medical bills from Ferguson’s illness last September.  (Ferguson was my soulmate little chihuahua mix that I had for over 13 years.)  I had pet insurance on him and hadn’t bothered to make the claim because I couldn’t handle it.  But it’s been almost a year so I pulled out the invoices, which were over $2,000, and logged into the website and starting inputting the info to file the claims.  The little box asks for a description of why I took him to the vet.  And answering that question just brought back all that shit like a wave.  I remember reading this nice description of grief and how it is like waves.  At first they’re big and they knock you around and you can’t breathe.  But over time they get smaller and you learn how to navigate them.  Still there, but manageable.  Filling in that box resulted in a bit of a tidal wave that knocked me on my ass.  My boyfriend came home to find me sobbing at my desk like a lunatic..  He’s... not so good with emotional shit.  And I usually keep it bottled up so that no one knows what’s going on inside me.  But some days...  Some days it just overflows.  So, after confirming that nothing terrible had occurred and that I was reliving September 2019, he slowly backed out of the room to leave me with my grief-wave.

8) I want to be one of those succulent people.  You know, the ones who have succulents lining their windowsills.  The dining room and kitchen windows are full of this oddball little plants.  The boyfriend hates it, but I told him he’d have to deal.  I’ll die on this hill.  I’m a succulent lady.

9) I’ve been reading memoirs or, rather, memoirs through collections of essays.  I don’t know if it’s the mental state I’m in or if social distancing has got me subconsciously reaching out for life beyond my head, but I can’t seem to read much else.  I loved Liz Phair’s Horror Stories.  I’m reading The Book of Help by Megan Griswold right now.  I’m determined to procure a signed copy of What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker by Damon Young.  He did a virtual event for a local bookseller recently and they have signed copies available for purchase.  I just need to muster up the will to call them and ask them to hold one for me.  The little snippets of their life and experiences via these memoirs through essays bring me some measure of comfort.

10) I tried to watch Euphoria on HBO.  I managed to make it through the first episode, but I don’t think I can watch more.  I can’t relate, but that normally isn’t a necessity for an enjoyable story.  Maybe it’s just too depressing for me right now.

11) I binged Dollface on Hulu and wish I had more to watch.  Parts of it hit me hard.  I’ve always had trouble maintaining friendships, period.  But maintaining friendships while in a relationship has been damn near impossible for me.  Just like Jules.  Except, I’m not nearly as cool or gorgeous as Kat Dennings.  And I have no friends in this city to go back to.  Just friends at work. 

12) I haven’t worn makeup for 2 solid months.  I’m starting to miss it.  I found old selfies I’d taken in which I don’t recognize myself.  Did I ever look like that?  I must have since here is photographic evidence.  I look like shit now.  I’m forever in yoga pants and a hoodie with half-wet hair from the shower.  Maybe putting on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt and some makeup will make me feel like a human being again.  Maybe I’m not doing as well as I thought in quarantine.  Huh.

13) I hope you all are well.  If you’ve sent me a message, I’m so sorry for not responding.  My mental state has been delicate lately and the silence from me has nothing to do with your kind words.  I promise I read and treasure and appreciate anything that is sent to me.  I’m also sorry for having no offering of fic or a promise of something to come.  I haven’t written since last summer.  It’s been almost a year.  I guess I’m in a dry spell.

14) Since I’ve been struggling with loss/grief lately, I’ll leave you with a quote from Philip Pullman, taken from his novel The Amber Spyglass.  It’s about death, I suppose.  Or maybe just a transition to something else entirely.  It’s nice to think of my grandma and Rose and my sweet, sweet love of a dog falling in the raindrops and riding on the wind through tall grass.  If it wasn’t raining, I’d take my computer outside right now.

“Even if it means oblivion, friends, I'll welcome it, because it won't be nothing. We'll be alive again in a thousand blades of grass, and a million leaves; we'll be falling in the raindrops and blowing in the fresh breeze; we'll be glittering in the dew under the stars and the moon out there in the physical world, which is our true home and always was.” 

[anotheronechicagobog]

Matt Casey x Reader I’m Sorry Part 1

Written by @anotheronechicagobog

A/N: Okay, so this ended up being waaaaaaay more than a oneshot. Sorry. I’m going on vacation with my family for a few days, I’ll be posting again as early as Friday, starting with the Jay Halstead series I started and then the request I’ve gotten from people. And to all the people who started following me, thanks! I was really nervous about writing fanfiction initially, you guys make me feel a lot less ridiculous. I really hope that you enjoy this!

Warnings: Swearing, child neglect, cancer, death, running away, daddy issues, fights

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It was your first day at Gaffney medical centre as part of the diagnostic medical team. And you honestly didn’t know if you should be excited or not. Considering my last name might not be welcome here. It’s no secret that your father, Hank Voight, was and still is, a dirty cop. He’s made friends but he’s also made enemies. “Dr. Voight?”

“Yes?” There was a tall blonde man in a Chicago Fire Department uniform. He let out a dark chuckle. “So the rumour’s true. They actually hired you.” You felt your stomach turn to lead. This. This was one of the many reasons you ran as fucking far and fast from Chicago the second you could. You straightened your shoulders, and use your sergeant's voice. “Yes, they did. They looked at my degrees, certification, research, contributions to various charities and medical journals, along with the fact that I’m the best doctor in my field in the western hemisphere, and decided to hire me.” Whoever this guy was, clearly did not hold a high opinion of either your father, brother, or both, and you couldn’t blame him. But the Fire Department and the hospital worked closely together, so you needed to make sure you’re here because you worked your ass off. He looked taken aback by your response, his blue eyes an open book, widening in shock. “So, which one messed with you? My father or my brother?”

“Uh- both.” He nodded, still shocked. Now it was your turn to be shocked. “What? My father and brother did something together?! Have I stepped into an alternate universe or something?”

“I’m Matt Casey,” he was looking at me in bewilderment and curiosity, “would you like to get a drink with me, by any chance? I think we have a lot to talk about.”

Later, after both your shifts were over, you met up at Molly’s. “So, uh, what exactly did my father and brother do to you?” In all honesty, you were well aware that what this man was about to say would be horrifying. You knew your father and brother, knew what they were like, at home, and at work. 

When you were fourteen years old, your mother said she hadn’t been feeling well, and it got serious enough to go to the doctor. Two days later, she and your dad sat you, Erin and Justin down and told you that she had been diagnosed with cancer, and her doctor said it didn’t look good. You- your mom’s little bookworm- did some probing and found out it was ovarian cancer. After that, you spent every spare moment either with your mom or researching ovarian cancer. The six months in between her diagnosis and death were difficult, to say the least. With medical bills piling up and no way to pay all of them on a detective’s salary, your dad did something that horrified you. He turned, started taking bribes, getting involved with gangs, and other organized crime groups. Even after your brother got involved, and you learned all the spots in the house where you hid both of their illegal items (guns, money, papers, and drugs), you and Erin, who was still recovering from her addictions and troublesome childhood, let it slide because they were paying your mom’s hospital bills and you both loved her so much. It was during a family trip to Disney World, at your mother’s request, that you began to suspect your mom wasn’t getting better and that if she died, they wouldn’t stop their... ‘activities’.

Erin was someone you had come to love and cherish. Your dad used to bring home troubled kids he met while working all the time. Usually, it would only be temporary. They were waiting for a loving relative to get custody, to live somewhere drug-free for a while. They were usually carbon copies of Justin. This was your dad’s not-so-subtle way of telling him he needed to “shape up”. Justin was always causing trouble, thus always being on the front burner, while you were always on the back burner. Your mom did everything she could to make time for you, while your dad didn’t, you gardened, cooked, sang, played music, painted and embroidered together. As you grew older, Justin caused more and more trouble, your dad spending less and less time with you. To the point where he barely knew anything about you, was completely unaware of what was going on in your life and forgot when your birthday was. Twice. This was all hard enough to deal with, believing that you weren’t enough, that there was something wrong with you, and feeling as though he’d abandoned you even though you saw him every day. All of that intensified when he brought Erin home. When they walked through the front door, and your dad stated who she was and that she was going to be staying for the foreseeable future, all of the air was brutally ripped from your lungs. A numbness settled over you when your dad told you that she needed to feel comfortable, so she was going to sleep in your room, on your bed, while you would be in a sleeping bag on the floor of Justin’s room. You nodded, trying to hold back tears, trying to be a good daughter and person, but you felt your heart breaking. It only got worse from there.

Two months later, your mom died. The day she died was traumatic for you, for expected and unexpected reasons. You didn’t like to think about either. Things at home got worse, as you expected, your dad and Justin didn’t stop. Erin was still sleeping in what was formerly your room, and your dad was all for helping Justin and Erin grieve, but not you. No, you were spoken to only when necessary, and when he did speak to you, he was on the verge of tears. You looked a lot like your mom so it was expected in a way. He didn’t pay much attention to you before she died, why would he start after? Four months after your mom’s death, it was your birthday. There was no cake, presents, party or “happy birthday” from anyone. Three days after that, it was Erin’s birthday. Your dad took the day off, said he wasn’t feeling well when really, he was busy setting up a birthday party for Erin. When you got home after your self-defence class, your dad, Justin, Erin and a multitude of family friends were there. There was a store-bought cake on the dining room table, a pile of presents near the empty fireplace, and birthday hats on everyone. Your stomach twisted into itself as a feeling of utter dread consumed you. No. This can’t be happening. I was fine not celebrating my birthday this year because mom’s gone, but... It wasn’t even an option to celebrate it... Why are they all doing this for Erin and not me? When your dad noticed you his smiled dropped. “Oh, hey kid... Thought you were going to be gone longer... Erin’s going to open her presents in a minute. Did you get her one?” Your dread turned to unbridled fury. You wanted to throw the cake on the wall, take a knife and stab her presents, scream at your dad, yell every swear word you weren’t supposed to know, in every language he didn’t know you knew, because they spend all their time breaking the law are cuddling up to Erin “Okay, everyone, time for the birthday girl to open her presents!” Justin yelled, pushing a laughing Erin in front of him. Your dad turned away from you and cheered along with the fifty other people who came to celebrate Erin’s birthday but not yours. Screw this. Screw them. You made your way upstairs, unseen by everyone except for Erin. Walked into Justin’s and then “Erin’s” room to pack your stuff into your mom’s old suitcase. Clothes, toiletries, a book your mom gave you, and a photo album. You found the small shoebox in the back of your closet, which you had been putting all of the money you’d earned over the years into. Dog walking, pet sitting, selling items you made at festivals, and playing the viola all around the city. I’m outta here. After boldly walking out of the place you used to call home with only Erin’s eyes on you, you were walking to the bus station when you came across two men in their twenties wearing Georgetown University hoodies loading up a car. “Hey, are you two going to D.C.?”

“Yeah... Why?”

“Can you take me with you?” They looked at each other. “Um... Are you ok?”

“I can give you two hundred bucks. Can you take me or not?” They shared another look. “Alright... I guess. I’m Will and this is Marcus. Is that all your stuff?” You rode with them the eleven hours it took to drive to D.C. and when you got there, they seemed worried, wondering if they had done something stupid. “Here’s your money, you can drop me off here, thanks for the ride.”

“Do you have someone you’re visiting? I’d much rather drop you off with them. I mean you’re just a kid, you can’t be wandering around in a different city after people who don’t know you drove you there. Man, this was a bad idea. Should not have done this.”

“My grandparents live here, they’re who I’m here to see. I’ll give you their address.” You try to smile in a reassuring way because Will looks like he’s going to puke, and Marcus looks paranoid, jumping every time something even resembling a cop car goes by. They calm down a bit on the drive to your grandparents’ house. “I’m going to walk you to the door and meet your grandparents,” Will stated, leaving no room for argument. When you knocked, your Abuelo answered the door. “Y/N? What are you doing here and who is this man?”

“My name’s Will Halstead, your granddaughter asked to be dropped off here, I just walked her to the door to make sure everything was ok.” Your Abuelo did NOT look happy. “Hank never said anything about you coming.”

“We need to talk about this inside Abuelo.” He nodded, stepped aside and motioned for you to enter. “Uh, here’s my contact information, in case you need to call me or something,” Will said, trying to hand a piece of paper to you, but your Abuelo took it from his hands before you could. “Thank you, Will.”

“No problem kid.”

Once inside your Abuelo and Babushka (grandmother in Russian) sat you down in the living room and waited for an explanation. You told them the whole truth, nothing about the illegal stuff, just that you were feeling neglected, unsupported, and betrayed the whole birthday thing. You also didn’t mention that it’d been going on for years. “Can I please stay with you?”

“Of course you can Kotik, just let me call Hank to tell him that you’re-”

“No, I’ll call Hank. I understand that he misses Camille, I do too, she was my only daughter after all, but it is not ok for him to be treating you this way, mi cielto. I need to have some words with him.”

The next two years were wonderful. You don’t know what was said on that phone call, but you didn’t have to see, speak to, or go back to your father. You got to live with your grandparents, see your uncles, aunts, and cousins regularly, and be praised for being talented and intelligent. It was a breath of fresh air, but your life’s experiences had taught you that something bad was going to happen. You can’t be happy for long periods of time. The rug was going to be pulled one way or another, and you were trying to brace yourself for it. Then it happened, two white-supremacists burst into your Abuelo and Babushka’s store and killed almost everyone. Your grandparents were included in the death toll. You were there when it happened and couldn’t help but feel like you were the reason they died. You couldn’t even help them, keep them alive until the paramedics came. Their memorial was the first time you saw your father, brother, and Erin in over two years. Your father and brother were avoiding their angry relatives, all wondering what happened that made you go and live with your grandparents. Erin approached you with a bottle of water, she handed it to you and sat down next to you, not saying anything. When it was all over, your father walked up to you. “Y/N? It’s time to go. You’re coming back with us.” He wasn’t even looking you in the eye as he said it. “Hank, are you sure we can’t stay a couple more days?”

He sighed “Erin I don’t think-” He was cut off by Erin’s glare. “Alright, two more days. After he walked away, Erin spoke up. “I saw what was happening, but I wasn’t sure what to do. I saw you leave, too. I didn’t know what to do then, either. But I know what to do now. If anyone- including Hank and Justin- aren’t treating you right, let me know, I’ll set them straight. We girls need to stick together, plus, I’ve always wanted a sister and I didn’t do a good job when we first met, so now it’s time to correct that... If you’re ok with that.”

For the first time since the shooting, you smiled.

“Y/N? Y/N?”

“Huh, what?”

“Sorry, but are you alright? You kinds spaced out on me.”

“Oh sorry, I’m fine, just took a trip down memory lane.”

“Was it a pleasant trip?”

“Not particularly. So, what did they do to you...” You gestured for him to introduce himself since you still didn’t know his name. “I’m Matt Casey, when I was reporting to a car accident, I discovered that your brother was drunk and had paralyzed a kid from the waist down”

You gasped and your eyes went wide. You were expecting bad, but not something that bad. “I reported it, but your dad-”

“Father. He’s not my dad. Dad’s care about their only biological daughter.”

“Oh, ok. Well, your father didn’t appreciate my honesty. First, he tried to bribe me into falsifying my report, then he started threatening me and my now dead fiancee. He went as far as having someone break into our house, plant drugs, and getting a search warrant.”

“Dios Mio, that’s just terrible. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, and it has been a few years. I just, we went through all this work to get him arrested, but then he got out a couple of months later as a Sergeant, in charge of the intelligence unit. I know that it’s been years, but I’m still a little angry about the whole thing.”

“I’m angry at him, too, so you’re not alone in that.”

“Yeah, about that, you seem to have some father-daiughter related anger, anything I should know?”

“No, sorry. I get that you’re probably curious, but I just met you. And I don’t even tell Erin all of that stuff, and she’s basically my sister.”

“Alright, fair enough. Well, I’m sorry for giving you trouble earlier. Maybe I could-”

“Hey guys!” Will exclaimed, overly cheery. His smile was bright, but his eyes were dark and furious. “What are you talking about?”

“Hi, Will. This is-”

“Oh, we’ve met. Lieutenant Matt Casey. Impressive.”

“Thanks... I think...” Matt was starting to get twitchy.

“Will drove me to see my grandparents many years ago, I was pretty young, and he was worried, so we kept in touch. My family basically adopted him whenever he was at university, he’s basically my older brother.”

“Oh, that’s nice to know-”

“Really? Why? Is it cause I’m stopping you from deflowering my little sister?” You choked on your drink. “Deflowering?! First of all, who says that anymore? Second, we’ve been sitting here griping about my father, and third, you know I’m not a virgin, right?”

“What?!”

Matt chuckled and stood up. He handed you a piece of paper, “Here’s my number, let me know if you want to hang out. I’m just going to leave you guys to your... discussion.” You gave an embarrassed smile while Will was gaping like a fish and make strange incoherent noises.

“Hi, Matt? It’s Y/N, I was wondering if you’d like to get some dinner? It’s been a while since I lived in Chicago, a lot of my old favourite places are gone. Give me a call back when you can, since I’m guessing you’re working right now. Bye!”

“Hey, Y/N, it’s Matt. I guess I just missed you, I’ve got a couple of restaurants in mind if you’re free sometime tomorrow maybe? Uh, yeah, call me back when you can please. Bye.”

The ED was in chaos, there’d been a bus crash and over two dozen people had been injured. “Dr. Halstead, Dr. Voight, trauma room three!” Putting on a new set of gloves, you rushed with Will to a gurney that held a teenage girl, who quite honestly looked scared out of her mind. “Hello, miss, I’m Dr. Halstead, can you tell me your name?”

“Izvinite, ya ne govoryu po-angliyski. YA ne znayu, chto proiskhodit. Pozhaluysta, pomogite mne.”(I'm sorry, I don't speak English. I don't know what's happening. Please help me.)

“Uhhhh...-”

“Ne volnuysya, my pozabotimsya o tebe. YA doktor Voyt, vy mozhete skazat' mne, chto sluchilos' ili chto-to bolit?”(Don't worry, we'll take care of you. I'm Dr. Voight, can you tell me what happened or if anything hurts?)

“So, I gues you’ll be taking the lead on this one.” Will chickled. 

Hours later, with only thirty minutes left in your shift, you took the opportunity to sit down. You leaned your head back and took a breath, letting the events of the past twelve hours hit you with full force. “So you had a rough shift too, huh?” You tiredly opened your eyes and saw an exhausted Matt Casey standing before you. You’re too exhausted to speak so you just nod. “I, uh, I have to head back to the station, for the rest of my shift, but I was wondering if you’d like to get dinner with me at seven tomorrow?” 

“Yes. I would love that.”

The next day you were trying on various outfits while your sister, Erin, lay on your bed teasing you and occasionally giving her opinion about your outfit. “Erin, cut it out and help me!”

“Ok, ok. Go for the skirt and sweater. It’s elegant and casual enough for a first date but doesn’t look like typical first date attire. So, it’ll be different.”

“Finally, some help from you.” You jokingly sighed out causing her to chuck a pillow at your head. You’re both standing there laughing -you in your bra and underwear, her in jeans and a t-shirt- when the doorbell rang. “Shit! He’s early! Erin, why are you smiling like that, Erin no!” Erin bolted out of your bedroom to answer the door knowing that you wouldn’t follow her in your state of... dress. You opened your door a crack to see Erin greet him. “Lieutenant Casey, please come in. Y/N will be just a few minutes.”

“Alright.” You closed the door and could only hear their muffled voices. You knew what was happening, though. Erin was threatening Matt and drilling fear into the core of his soul. You knew that this would happen when you invited her over to help you get ready, but she did this the first time she met anyone you were dating. You’d learned that it was better to do this as soon as possible, save yourself the emotional trouble of missing someone who’d run away with their tail between their legs. You knew you were right when you entered the living room to see Erin looking stern and Matt a little green. “So, Matt, are you ready to go? You know, presuming my sister didn’t scare you off?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah I am... Wow, you look great.”

“Thanks, you too. So, are you ready to go on a date with Hank Voight’s daughter?”

“No. I’m ecstatic and nervous as hell to go on a date with Y/N Voight, a fiercely intelligent, kind, strong, badass woman who worked herself to the bone to create her distinguished career on her own.” When he finished he was breathless and so were you. People either knew nothing or too much of your father and constantly having his name attached to yours always stung, and you worried that now you were back in Chicago people would assume that everything you had worked so hard for was handed to you by your dirty cop father. The fact that he understood this and acknowledged it made your heart swell. “Awwwwwwww” Erin interrupted your moment with a teasing voice and smile. “Well, now that you’ve both announced that you’re ready to go on a date, you should probably go on that date.”

“Erin’s right, Y/N, let’s head out.”

And you did, to a wonderful first date that led to many more. Eight months later and you had come to the conclusion that dating Matt was equal parts fantastic and stressful. After your twelve hour shift, in which both Matt and Hermann came to the ED to get checked out after they were punched by the drunk who caused a car accident which caused sickening purple bruises, you just wanted to go to bed. But you couldn’t. Even though Matt was finished with his shift and had tomorrow off with you, something wasn’t sitting well with you. He seemed too calm, too resigned to the fact that he’d been punched in the face. You were suspicious for some reason, which was ridiculous because he’d never given you any reason to be. Your concerned sigh was cut off by Erin’s special ringtone coming out of your phone. 

“Don’t be mad at Matt!”

“What?”

“Don’t be mad at Matt, it’s not his fault! Voight riled him up first. So don’t be mad that he and Voight got into a fight over you, ok?”

“Hold up, hold up, WHAT?! My boyfriend and my father got into a FIGHT?! Where and when did this happen?!”

“At the scene today... You didn’t know? He had to go to Med, where you work because Voight managed to sock him in the jaw, and Hermann got involved...”

“Why did they fight?”

“Y/N I don’t think I should-”

“Why, Erin?”

“Voight found out that you two are dating and he made a comment to Casey about it at the scene. Something along the lines of Matt’s only dating you to get back at Voight for a few years ago. Y/N, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, Erin. I have to go, and don’t worry I’m not mad at Matt.” After hanging up you left Med, and instead of driving to your apartment building, you drove to your childhood home. Your blood continued to boil and fester throughout out the drive, when you were storming up the walkway, and when you banged on the door. You were about to see your father, who you felt neglected by, for the first time in over a decade. You were more than ready for this.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #226

“i couldn't take my eyes off her, but that's not what i took off that night.”

So, how are you doing today? I'm mostly fine, I guess. I'm sooooo sleep-deprived from these damn night terrors, so it has me pretty moody. Then I'm bummed as all fuckhell that Sara and I can't be together on our anniversary. What is the last song that you had on repeat? I think it waaaas... "Idiosyncrasy" (it took me five million attempts to spell that right) by Korn. Are you a hedonist/masochist/in between? Neither. The best musical performance you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, but it was WICKED. He did his signature decapitation illusion (how the fuck does that even work??), and the last song (it was a fucking amazing cover of "Another Brick In The Wall") had INCREDIBLE theatrics. I loved it. Who is your favorite drummer? *shrugs* Your favorite guitarist? Idk, really. Maybe Zakk Wylde. A vocalist with the best voice? Freddie Mercury's voice is so versatile and chill-inducing, Amy Lee is an obvious answer, Patrick Stump's voice is just so goddamn sexy, as is Brendon Urie's, as well as wide in vocal range. Do you have a band yourself? Maaaan, that'd be dope. But no. Do you write poetry or song lyrics? I used to write poems aaaaaall the time (y'know, the "I'm 14 and this is deep" kind), and I've actually really wanted to for a while now, but idk about what. Plus my word-weaving capability has drastically declined, so all I'd do is get mad. Your best memories: Meeting Sara, SARA'S FUCKING FACE WHEN SHE SAW ME IN HER BEDROOM ON HER LAST BIRTHDAY OH MY FUCKING GOD, a novel of things with Jason, seeing meerkats at the zoo for the first time, THE DAY GOD NOTICED ME THROUGH A GIF I WORKED WAY TOO HARD ON (I couldn't sleep for three days, and I wish I was kidding), uhhhh. A lot. Your worst memories: The night of the breakup, absolutely and entirely. Nothing compares. It was a slow, paralyzing trauma (don't get pissy about me using that word "as an exaggeration," it was diagnosed as such years ago) that entirely put me into an actual state of shock. I wish that night on absolutely nobody. No one. Funniest thing you've ever seen an animal do? Maaaaan, I could tell you a lot. Probably inarguably the funniest was Ginger (ex's beagle) WITHOUT FAIL losing her shit with jealousy or SOMETHING whenever she noticed Jason and I were doing anything that involved affection without her. That dog would LOSE IT with barking, tail wagging, and climbing all over him, and it was never not funny to see this fatass little dog turn into a living cockblock lmfao. OH YEAH then our late boxer Cali could be baited into howling if you did it sometimes. It was so, so cute. She'd always look so confused but do it anyway. I'm sure there're others; I've grown up with pets my whole life, but those are the only two that come to me now. What is on your mind? I wanna see Sara. Could you ever cheat on your significant other? I physically couldn't stand myself if I ever did. No. Ever been so disgraced that you had homicidal thoughts? Wow no. If so, whom did you wish to assassin? I mean I've talked about Ashley (not my sister) before, but they weren't seriously "homicidal." I wasn't going to actually do anything. If you wish to be famous, what would you want to be famous for? I don't wish it, but let's say I was. Some form of artist. ... Wait, I do want that. Errrmmm OH! A serious wildlife conservator. Do you think humanity is going downhill? Duh. What was the last thing you threw at someone? I have no clue. Do you ever want to be prom queen/king? I didn't care. Have you ever ran from the police? I'd prefer to stay out of jail. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yeeeaaah... When was the last time you made dinner? me?????? cook????????????? huh?????????????? Do you have any special plans coming up? I'm shooting my sister's gender reveal Sunday. :') Ash and her husband don't know the gender, so I am so fucking excited to see their reactions. Who do you want to be buried next to? Please don't bury me and just take up space. Cremate me and scatter the ashes somewhere, or do SOMETHING meaningful and creative. What is your favorite fish? Like... to eat? I haven't tried very much, but I liked striper forever and ever ago. If you mean visually, probably betta fish. Have you ever won a gold medal? Probably with kid stuff. Do you have any trophies? Also as a kid for A honor roll, as well as dance and sports overall. Do you work out? Oops no. When you introduce yourself, do you give hand shakes? It depends on who I'm talking to. Is there a limit to how many best friends you have? No? Do you have any hickeys on you? Bitch a girl can wish. Do you have the strength to say goodbye forever? Been there, finally done that. Will you talk to the person you like tonight? I talk to her every day throughout the day. Who did you last share a bed with? Sara. Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Sara or Mom. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What are you listening to right now? I'm not actually listening to anything, but "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac is BURIED into my head rn. What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? I've never tried to latter actually, but I'd probably still prefer hot chocolate, anyway. Do you make wishes at 11:11? No; I don't believe in that stuff. I have a friend who posts JUST "11:11 <3" or something like that every night on FB, and while it shouldn't, it annoys the fuck out of me. No one cares. Ever been on a golf cart? Yeah. Do you get blizzards where you live? No, never to the point where "blizzard" fits. What’s a biblical truth that you struggle with? lmao When was the last time you did something rebellious? *shrugs* Do you rebel against God a lot? I can genuinely say I don't give a fuck if I do or don't. Do you consider yourself creative? Very. What’s an old hobby that you want to pick back up? Sigh, reading. Do you ever read books to a pet? No. That seems without real purpose... and this is coming from me, an animal worshiper, just about. Like, you know they genuinely have no clue what you're saying or doing, and I highly doubt they're gonna stay still and look at the pictures. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, a cat, a rat, and a snake. What was the theme of your childhood bedroom? It didn't have a set theme. Partially because I grew up with the same room as my little sister, and we had very different interests. What color was your nursery as a baby? I have zero clue. Did I even have a proper nursery??? What was the last surgery you had? Getting a cyst above my asscrack removed lmaoooo. What’s something you prefer to keep private? Sexual history. I am very, very shy talking about that kind of stuff. Who is someone you look up to? *sobs "fischfuck" at the top of my lungs* As a child, did you have people you admired? STEVE IRWIN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EMOTIONAL DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you good at prioritizing? Eek... I'm unsure, to be honest. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? fuckin' Halloween hoe. Which holiday or season has the best decorations in stores? Soooo Halloween decor=room decor for me tbh lol. Who’s the prettiest YouTuber you watch? She doesn't have her own active YT channel anymore, but Suzy Hanson (GameGrumps' Arin's wife) is a fucking goddess. Oh, and while I've never watched her channel, I've seen Hannah Hart on GMM quite a few times, and she's actually one of my first signals that I wasn't straight because I definitely felt attracted to how naturally beautiful she is. What’s the most shocking thing that’s occurred in your life lately? Finding out my grandma has terminal cancer. How’s the weather been at your part of the world in the past week? It's been fucking hot. Thursday was the hottest October day in NC history, peaking at 100. Disgoostiiiiiing. Have you given something up recently? (for ex., candy, red meat etc.) Uhhhh well, this is semi-recently, I guess: I entirely stopped going to Chick-fil-a in protest of higher-ranking business employees or whatever supporting/making donations to anti-LGBT cults, especially conversion "therapy." What’s the worst thing about autumn? "How fleeting it is. I never feel like I get properly immersed in the experience. I blink and the leaves are gone and Thanksgiving is here and Christmas is right around the corner." <<< Perfect description. What is something you enjoy doing, even if you’re not very good at it? Drawing portraits, maybe. Do you work hard for your money? I don't have a job, never have had a stable one. However, on the occasion I'm hired to take pictures, I. Try. Really. Hard. What’s a song that most people interpret entirely wrong? "Mama I'm Coming Home" by Ozzy Osbourne was first to come to mind; reasonably, people tend to think the song is about his mother, but it's rather about his wife. Calling your wife that is apparently some English petname. When’s the last time you had cake? Wow, idk, actually. I think my niece mighta had some for her birthday in June? I know my nephew had cupcakes. Yeah, I think it was her b-day. Have you ever made your own soda from scratch? I have not. How about your own jam? No. Or pickled something? No. Did you grow anything in your garden this year? No, we don't have one. Or did someone give you something they grew in theirs? No. What’s the most romantic gift anyone’s given to you? Uhhhhhhhhhh idk. Do you like woolly socks? If so, do you ever make your own? NO, especially when you put sneakers over them or something. They feel so constricted. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? A laptop that needs to be replaced, gah. Or fixed. I have a pure black crack and blob stretching across the left side of my screen that is super distracting and obscuring, and the right side of the top half is cracked along the side; I have duct tape to help keep it closed. Otherwise it's a fine laptop, though. Oh wait, and the apostrophe key is missing, so I have to hit the plastic pressure thingy that's easy to miss. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? No. If so, who has been your favorite contestant on AGT? My favorite ever was Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. Still have some of his covers on my iPod. Prince Poppycock is also my gay uncle that I would die for. What chore are you behind on? I need to dust my room good lort. Have you ever broken your phone screen? No, actually. Have you ever broke your computer screen? Well, refer to earlier question. I don't know if it's technically "broke," just damaged (it's not an actual scratch, btw; it's beyond the exterior screen). I need to take it somewhere to fix it ahhhhh. What department store do you shop at the most? Wal-Mart. Do you normally use the self-checkout or the regular checkout? Depends on how much we have. If it's just a handful or so, we just go do it ourselves. Which friend will be in your heart no matter what happens between you two? Sara, Megan. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No. OH SHIT NO WAIT, I THINK a friend and I may have wandered into Spencer's once when we were "too young." Or maybe we just got ID'd. Idk, idr. What was the stupidest mistake of your life? Turning a person into my sole source of "real" happiness, giving my entire soul to a flawed human being, being naive about love, all that jazz. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? Well, she unfriended me. We're friends again now tho I think I pissed her off again. Oops. Do you watch Niki and Gabi on YouTube? If yes, which twin is your favorite: Niki or Gabi? I've heard of 'em, but don't know anything about/watch them. What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. The Handmaid's Tale is now right behind it. What do you want for your birthday this year? My '19 birthday has already passed, but if you mean like, my next one, idk. Maybe a new phone considering mine is GODawful with so many problems. Alllllthough I'm entirely aware I'll be putting a tattoo first, so... it depends on what I have, ha ha. Do you like rock music? Yep. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!!!! What do you usually take for headaches? Advil/Ibuprofen. Have you ever switched doctors because of mistreatment? Or moreso carelessness and immeasurable ignorance masked by over-confidence. Do you film or record your doctor’s appointments? ??????????????????????????????? Can you even do that?????????????????? Which accomplishment are you most proud of yourself for? So, this kinda depends. I'm most likely to say "recovery," but I honestly give almost all credit to my psychiatrist and therapists. So I don't usually see *me* as playing a big role in it. Idk. So other days I'll say way more confidently graduating in the top 10% of the graduating class as a senior. Do you feel like you’ve accomplished anything yet with your life? Well yeah. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination I take of Vraylar + Lamictal due to how they interact and being massively responsible for me being stable. What is your favorite vitamin, and why? Do people???????????? have fave vitamins????????????????? List 5 people you know who have never been mean to you. Uh. I think Connie is it out of the people I know well/have known for a long time, lol. Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? s c i e n c e  b i t c h Do you say garbage, trash, rubbish, or something else? "Trash," usually. Which Bratz doll was your favorite? I didn't have a favorite. Which Barbie doll was your favorite? ^ Which American Girl doll was your favorite? I don't remember. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but I find them veeeeeery pretty when decorated well. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No, I wish... What is your favorite Lisa Frank character? angel!!!!!!!!!!!! KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you believe in the power of prayer? Not in the slightest. What color eyes does the person you like/love have? Are they pretty? A beautiful brown. Obviously if I call them beautiful. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon cries. I never really like... showed just how much though. Looking back on when I was a kid, I took embarrassment poorly even then. Other girls thought I was weird for bringing a Psyduck plushy with me to school everyday, everyone in pre-k looked at me like "huh" when I brought my little Snorlax plush in for show-and-tell, I came to a point of only watching it when my sister was asleep, I was too scared to ask for the games, and- jfc okay I'm actually realizing I need to go back to therapy to talk about how deep my AvPD truly is rooted oops lmao. Do you eat chili when you get a hot dog, or do you like it plain? Chili is disgusting. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None got to the point of me feeling *actually* drunk. I've only ever been tipsy. When was the last time you acted really immature? *shrugs* Can you rely on one or more people to take up for you? Yeah, a few. When is the last time you sat around a campfire? I don't have a clue. Is there an important event coming up at your school? I think? It's some event all freshmen have to attend to all damn day and I'm not looking forward to it. It's for a good cause, but. It's gonna be a drag and I've had two incidents this school year of once collapsing and just last week almost fainting and vomiting just from the heat. Do you have a back-up career choice? What is it? Something with writing, I guess. Well, I ideally want to be a professional photographer but also a zoologist, but if photography goes absurdly well (this is incredibly unlikely, I know, but it's doable), I may not aim for a zoologist career, but get the necessary degree for it as back-up. I want an unquestionably stable back-up choice. My minor is Journalism, so like I mentioned up top, yeah, if things really go shitty, something in writing is an option. Would you ever get caught with a fake ID? No. Do you think religion justifies treating people unequally? I don't see the supposed "rationality" in this at all. No. Are men more attractive with longer or shorter hair? I guess it depends on the person, but I think I'm generally more attracted to men with longer hair. What color was the ink of the last pen you used? Black. Is there a name that you hear and cringe? I can't really say "cringe," but without fail, it's obvious who and what I think of the moment I hear the name "Jason," and it always causes this dull pain in my chest. What color are your dad’s eyes? They're dark brown. When you were a kid, was there a boy/girl that you said you were going to marry? No. Is your favourite TV show very popular? That '70s Show is, and Fullmetal Alchemist is among anime fans, at least. I don't think too many people know about Meerkat Manor, but I know it was and possibly still is Animal Planet's highest-grossing series, so it sure was big for viewers of that channel. What are you absolutely determined to do? Become at least a semi-successful photographer, make a great life with Sara, support my mom one day like she always has me, mostly overcome anxiety, photograph and touch a habituated meerkat of the KMP... a handful of things. Where would you rather be from? Somewhere in the U.S. that's not a homophobic, racist, gun-fucking, Bible-thumping cesspit of closed-minded shits. I love NC. How often do you play sports? Never. What website do you visit most often? YouTube. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn? I stopped this as a young teenager, but I know I was one of those kids who used "retarded" as a substitute for "stupid." I absolutely hate that shit. I also had to unlearn uhhhh... man, I know there's a lot, I'm just blanking right now. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should? *shrug* Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? Interesting to me personally, Chicago. Cities that massive are foreign to me. What fad or trend do you hope comes back? Scene fashion was art, don't @ me. What’s the best way to start the day? SLEEPY CUDDLES W/ YOUR S/O. What kind of art do you enjoy most? Man, idk. I love art so much. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? That's a good question. What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen? Literally today/yesterday when I watched the secret stream Mark did of gathering viewers to anonymously destroy random but small Twitch streamers' charity goals & he was too motivated and inspiring & everyone was so fucking confused but thankful and it was literally the most inarguably Chaotic Good thing I have ever borne witness to. For three hours I couldn't stop fucking smiling. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? Hell if I know. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? lol guess How do you relax after a hard day of work? I don't work. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? TV show? 13 Reasons Why is a hell no. The Human Centipede I wouldn't watch over my dead fucking body. Where would you spend all your time if you could? All my time? Idk. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? Improving the world. What’s the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen? I couldn't even try to answer that question. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? I dunno, probably a lot. Maybe food? Ensure it's safe, at least. What is the luckiest thing that has happened to you? Not flipping over in the wreck we got in when I was a kid, probably. All factors of it considered, we were told flipping would have been far more likely than my mom managing to keep us on four wheels. What are some small things that make your day better? Multiple things. Sara feeling positive, I'm fucking awful so having a yummy soda gives me a measly drop of Serotonin, I love seeing Venus come out of her rock to wander around, finding a new song to become utterly addicted to is great, cool weather outside... things like that. I'm sure there's more. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford? REALLY want? A trip to South Africa. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? Uhhh idk. Otep, I suppose. As a band, anyway. She's actually the QUEEN of bigoted bitches. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? N/A What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? Oh, idk. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? Still a photographer. Have you ever saved someone’s life? No. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? People can tell you they'll always be there and still leave in the blink of an eye. What’s something you are self-conscious about? Unconventional interests/hobbies and my body. Have you ever given to any charities? Yes. What was the best compliment you’ve received? Idk. What’s the most immature thing that you do? Not gonna lie, I can act bratty if I don't get something I SERIOUSLY want. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? None, really. What have you created that you are most proud of? A novel of very developed and deep RP characters over the years. What do you regret not doing or starting when you were younger? Learning German. As you get older, what are you becoming more and more afraid of? Mom dying. Being independent. In what situation or place would you feel the most out of place in? Most out of place? Would, like not one I've actually experienced? Uhhh idk. An orgy lmao.

[wormy-business]

When the Highest Fall

Chapter 4: A Tense Reunion 

Gabriel goes looking for help from familiar faces, but those faces don’t find him so familiar. 

Word count: 1,802

Read on AO3

Start from the beginning

Gabriel tensed as he stepped out onto the street. It was bright, must have been midday. Despite all the hellfire, the offices of hell were rather dark, and his colour shifting eyes had become rather used to it. As he raised his arm to shield his eyes he felt a sudden sharp pain rip up from the small of his back, reaching all the way to his fingertips. He winced, his face contorting. The pain started right where his wings used to be, the smallest pair that had broken during his free fall. As his face twisted, he felt a different kind of pain, this one more stiff and cracking as the wound on his face opened once more and he felt blood trickling down his cheek. 

His whole body began to ache as he took a few steps onto the sidewalk, leaving behind him a trail of dripping blood from not only his face, but his wrists where the chains had dug so deeply. Part of him felt a tugging, a desire to return to the relative safety of Beelzebub’s office, but he persisted forward. He remembered the way, didn’t he? His hands tightened into fists as he walked, his shoulders tense and his head aching. The further from Hell’s fire, it seemed, the more intense his pain would become.

Crowley was lazing around in the back office of Aziraphale’s bookshop. With the crisis of the armageddon averted, and Heaven and Hell off their backs, he felt he finally had a chance to relax. He wished Aziraphale would relax with him, but he was fine letting him run around the bookshop and entertain. His body was warmed by the light of the sun streaming into a window, his glasses sitting on his chest, one of his arms behind his head, and his legs splayed out in a way that would look uncomfortable to any normal human. He hummed softly as he released a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. He smiled, hearing the office door open and close.

“How’s business, Angel?”

“Oh, doing just fine.” Aziraphale responded, taking a moment to gaze softly at Crowley, whos attention was fixated out of the window.

“That’s good.” Crowley noted, finally turning to look at Aziraphale, who seemed to be searching for something. “We should go out for-” Crowley stopped mid sentence and dawned his glasses, which gained Aziraphale’s attention.

“Go out for what, Crowley?” He tried enticing the demon into continuing his thought.

“Ahh, yeah, hold on.” Crowley moved awkwardly until he was standing up, and he slunked to the door, cracking it open. His nostrils flared, and his tongue escaped from his lips for just a second. That was most definitely the smell of a demon.

“Angel.” He spoke softly, shutting the door. “We’ve got company. I don’t,” He stuck his tongue out again, making a rather bewildered face. “I don’t recognize them. Which is, I mean I know just about everyone down there.” 

“It’s, oh, how odd.” Aziraphale crept closer to the door, and to Crowley. It was much harder to discern, to him practically all demons smelled the same, though Crowley’s was a tad more distinct. But the smell of evil coming from his dearest Crowley and whoever had just entered the bookshop were too similar.

“Leave it to me, alright? I can handle this.” 

“Crowely, wait!” Aziraphale placed his hand on Crowley’s chest to stop him. “Don’t you think, perhaps we should, you know?” Aziraphale was extending his hand out to Crowley, his eyes full of worry and his tone dripping with anxiety.

“No, no, angel, I’ll be alright. Besides, only one of em. If they try anything, step in. Nothing we can’t handle.”

Before Aziraphale could protest again, Crowley was in the main area of the bookshop. He watched from the doorway as Crowley walked in that distinct way he did to the stranger.

“Can I help you with-” Crowley cut himself off again as he stared at who was leaning against a wall, dripping with blood and in clear pain and distress. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “In the name of, what, what is, ehh, all of, this?” He motioned lazily to Gabriel, who picked his head up to smile weakly at Crowley. “When did all this happen?”

“I, I want to speak to Aziraphale.” Gabriel stammered as he tried to take a step forward, his knees weak and trembling. 

“Aah, that’s not, a good idea.” Crowley awkwardly placed his hands on Gabriel’s shoulders, keeping him not only from walking forward, but from falling as well. “It’s not even a good idea for you to be up here, look at the state of you!” 

“He’s my brother!” Gabriel choked on his protest, too weak to shake Crowley off of him.

“Crowley, you must tell me what is going on this instant!” Aziraphale demanded from behind him, trying to get a look at whoever he was struggling with.

“Aziraphale!” Both of the demons called out to him, one much more desperately than the other.

The angel took a sharp breath in and stepped back from the pair. “Why do you know my name? Who are you and what business have you in my shop?”

Crowley could see the heartbreak on Gabriel’s face. His expression, slack-jawed, wide eyed, and pained. Tears brimmed at the corners of his eyes as the realization hit him square in the chest, ripping his breath from his lungs. 

No matter how different he seemed, no matter that hellfire could no longer hurt him, Aziraphale was still an angel, and angels are not permitted to remember the fallen. 

“Don’t worry, angel!” Crowley chirped, slowly dragging Gabriel back towards the office. “Just need a few private words with my friend here, nothing to worry about!”

Aziraphale straightened out his jacket and watched as the two passed him. He was going to have to have a serious talk with Crowley about lying later, but he supposed it wouldn’t help at all to intrude again, in fact he quite regretted walking in on the two just now. Seeing that demon, there was something about him, a painful familiarity he couldn’t quite place his finger on.

Crowley was surprisingly easy with Gabriel, sitting him down with less force than expected in a chair in Aziraphale’s office. Once Gabriel was down, Crowley took a seat himself, having a dragged a chair to be across from his.

“That’s why I said you shouldn’t talk to him.” Crowley chided.

“Oh, can it!” Gabriel snapped, sitting stiffly in the chair, still dripping blood.

“No point in arguing now. So, what’s the name?”

“It’s still Gabriel.”

“Aww, oh no, don’t tell me you’re one of those redemption seekers.”

“Beelzebub has already warned me against it. Besides,” he raised a finger to tap the ear in which a fly was comfortably nestled, “they’re keeping an eye on me.”

Crowley gagged, briefly turning his head away. “Awck, I hate when they do that, feels so nasty in there.”

There was a silence between the two for a moment, neither of them speaking though both wanted to.

“So did Michael just, what, give you a stupid name or, what?”

“She didn’t.”

Crowley furrowed his brow as he leaned closer. “Well, that’s not like her at all.” He mused. “She’s a bitch anyway, in my opinion.”

Gabriel sneered at him as Crowley leaned back in his chair again.

“Well she is.” He rolled his shoulders, trying to make them as loose as his defense was. “She remembers us all. I know she does. She’s some weird exception.”

“How are you so sure?” Surely if Aziraphale couldn’t even remember Gabriel, Michael wouldn’t either.

Crowley was silent for a moment as he pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “She almost called me “Raphael” once. Got halfway through before realizing her mistake.”

Gabriel was quiet for a moment. He could feel the pressure in his chest from where she had placed her hand and pushed him. He could see her face, peering over the edge and watching him fall, and he swore he could remember seeing her smile just before he opened his wings.

“Cool down, hothead, we don’t need the shop to burn again!”

Crowley’s words snapped him out of his haze. He looked down at his hands, they were red and smoke was rising from them, and also from the burned insignia of an inverted cross in the center of his forehead. This was wrong. It was all wrong.

It should’ve been water.

His eyes burned a fierce red, yellow and orange retreated back towards his pupils as new shades of red formed and moved inside of his irises. 

He could remember so clearly water running over his blue-tinted hands, sliding it between his fingers as he filled paperwork, amusing himself by pushing it back and forth in a bowl or cup, that was his nature.

Fire felt wrong. It was compulsive, unstable, and erratic. Gabriel was none of those things. At least, he didn’t used to be.

He closed his eyes and took a few long breaths. Breathing was not a necessary thing for beings such as angels and demons, but it helped to calm him enough that he felt he wasn’t about to set the entire strip ablaze. 

“What am I supposed to do now?” Gabriel asked, dejected and cold.

“Come to terms, move on, and raise some hell.”

He stared at Crowely, who had taken to lounging in his chair. 

“It’s what I did. It’s not gonna do you any good to reminisce on the old days when none of the angels are ever gonna remember who you were or what you accomplished.”

Raphael had been a starmaker, Gabriel could remember that now. He had worked on constellations and galaxies, but he was most proud of his work on nebulas. The angel Muriel was the one who had been listed as creating the art that came from Raphael’s hands, when in fact she had only had a hand in the creation of the Constellation of Cancer. 

“Over six thousand years I served Her.”

“And now those thousands of years of service belong to Uriel, Michael, Sandalphon, Metatron, Jegudiel, Ariel, anyone except you. You’ve been wiped from their history.”

Gabriel stood, though unsteady on his feet. 

“Careful.” Crowley reminded him as he grabbed the wall for support. “You should really head back down. Get close to the fire, you’ll heal faster. And do let me know when you’ve got the name figured out!” Crowley called these things after Gabriel, who managed to make it out of the front door and back onto the streets of London.

“Dear boy, who was that?” Aziraphale asked, sliding up in front of Crowley.

“An old friend, I’ll tell you about him later.”