#also y’all’s drinks gonna be gross by the time they’re delivered????

[punkgang]

only good thing abt my job being put on doordash is that the drivers aren’t actual customers so if they get pissy with me for not making their 8 frapp order in 2min i can be pissy right back!!!!

[writethehousedown]

When the Sun Sets on Us: Chapter 1 (Scyvie) — Phryne

A/N: Hey y'all! So I came up with this idea a couple days ago, and being my dumb self, decided I was going to write it as a whole, multi-chaptered fic for a wthd challenge. So here’s the first chapter of When the Sun Sets on Us, a summer romance featuring romantic cynic Scarlet, and cynical about romance Yvie, absolutely enamored with each other upon first sight and trying to figure out where to go from there — or if there even is something worthwhile beyond immediate infatuation. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Summer opened and spun around Scarlet like a ballerina in a porcelain music box — timely, rigid, delicate, something she constantly found herself swept up in — before it closed again, only to open once more when the sands were hot, the ocean tender, the boardwalk crowded with families and tipsy college students, and she was once again zipping between packed tables.

She pulled a couple of ones out from under a sweaty Miller Lite bottle, trying not to look displeased at a two-dollar tip on a thirty-six-dollar bill. Especially considering the family she’d been serving had been less than pleasant: the spoiled child, the disinterested mother, and the father who’d been staring at her tits every time she’d visited the table. She crumpled the ones and stuffed them in her apron before gathering cups and flatware.

Across the way, a group of girls crowded around a table, stealing chairs from nearby tables to fit everyone under the sun-faded yellow umbrella. They’d caught her eye, pulling Scarlet away from brushing Coca Cola soaked french fries into a bin, mainly with all the chairs scraping against the concrete and one of them swearing as she finally situated herself at the table, only for her phone to fall through the table slats. Mainly, that noise caught her attention. That was, of course, before the woman next to her, all glistening and bright in a stark white bikini top, let out such a course, raucous laugh, holding Scarlet’s attention like she wished that woman would hold her hand. Firmly, unequivocally, like it was only hers.

And then she looked over at Scarlet, met her gaze, and Scarlet swore she smiled at her before looking back down at her hands, fiddling, fidgeting, before her blonde friend threw a menu at her from across the table.

She could have sworn it was a smile. That was, of course, unless Scarlet was deluding herself, which she apparently had a tendency to do. There was something about summer here — the whirling breeze, the ocean air thick in her lungs — that made her feel like every pretty girl was some sun-struck romance waiting to unfurl.

She also could have sworn she’d already wiped up the ketchup smiley face that little brat had left for her on the table, which his parents didn’t feel was their job to wipe up. But feeling her elbow dip into the ketchup, she realized she was wrong before and could be wrong again. She grabbed a napkin to wipe off her elbow, watching as A’keria delivered fruity mixed drinks and a round of shots to that table, losing track of how much time she’d spent cleaning herself off.

As A’keria folded her tray under her arm and walked off, the noise and shared laughter from that table swelling, Scarlet got an idea. She stole one more glance over at the woman, who threw a wicked smile toward the girl next to her before raising her glass to toast.

“To the end of the semester, not failing shit, and finally getting some damn sleep!”

“And cheers to getting that security deposit back,” the girl next to her added, raising her cocktail. “That landlord scum ain’t getting any more of our money.”  

Another girl chimed in, “I ain’t cuttin’ no checks, Mary.”

The woman, who, with every word, Scarlet felt herself becoming hopelessly enamored with, added with a laugh, “To the end of capitalism!”

“To the end of capitalism!” They all clinked glasses before throwing back the shots, eyes wide from the burning liquor.

Feeling a small smile pull across her lips, Scarlet cleared the table quickly, swiping the baskets and beer bottles into her bin haphazardly. She wiped down the table before heading to the back, where she hoped A’keria would still be.

And she was, throwing her tray down on the bar haphazardly before asking for another soda to fill her styrofoam cup. Scarlet came up behind her, gently resting her hand on her arm, trying not to startle A’keria, but her bubbly demeanor gave her away.

“Scarlet,” A’keria drew out, banging her straw against the bar top until it opened. She retrieved the straw from the paper with her teeth.

“So… whatcha drinkin’?” Scarlet began nonchalantly, reaching over to pick up A’keria’s tray and a cloth to wipe it off.

A’keria turned and observed for a moment, nodding as though she were confirming her findings.

“I smell a scheme, Scarlet.”

“What?” Scarlet pushed A’keria’s tray back toward her. “Why would I be scheming? That’s crazy. I never scheme.”

A’keria looked her up and down in disbelief, surely noticing the quirk of a smile spread across Scarlet’s lips, the pleading eyes. She supposed she never was too good at hiding feelings.

“I smell it.” A’keria punctuated every word, poking Scarlet’s arm.

“Oh, that’s just ketchup. It’s like, all over me.” She laughed faintly, weakly.

A’keria tilted her head.

Damnit, she was good.

“Okay, so there’s a girl I really like over at your table—”

“No,” A’keria replied flatly, stirring her soda. Scarlet felt herself fizzle.

“I just really want to talk to her,” Scarlet pleaded. “Please, please, please just give me table four. I’ll make it up to you.”

A’keria paused to sip her soda, though still making time to roll her eyes at Scarlet. “So you’re telling me you want my table of nice girls, who are drunk enough to give me their full, Christian names upon meeting me, who are definitely gonna order three mixed drinks each, probably another round of shots, some food to share, and then leave me a thirty-three percent tip because that’s what nice drunk girls do?” She stared into Scarlet. “You think I’m gonna give you that table?”

Scarlet swallowed. “Did the one in the white bikini top, with the braids in a bun give you her name?”

“You’re getting off topic, Scarlet. And no. We got Silky, Nina, Brooke Lynn, and something so slurred I couldn’t make it out, but your girl wasn’t talking, she was just staring off somewhere, like a deer in the headlights or something.”

Your girl. It had a gilded ring to it.

Scarlet nodded, wondering if it was conceited to imagine she hadn’t given her name because she was still stuck on the look they exchanged. Scarlet warmed at the thought.  

“But I really like her, A’keria.”

“You always do.” A’keria sighed, placing her soda behind the bar. “Come on, we gotta get back to the floor.”

“Wait.” Scarlet grabbed her arm loosely, forcing A’keria to meet her gaze. “I’ll switch a table with you. I’ll give you my table of trust fund Chads. Please, Ki, please,” Scarlet pleaded.

A’keria softened, considering this for a moment.

“They already ordered a pitcher each and just put in food, and they’re definitely gonna drink more. And they talk like they’re rich.”

A’keria let out a chuckle. “How does someone talk like they’re rich?”

“They talk like they hate me and want to fuck me at the same time,” Scarlet deadpanned.  

A full laugh this time. “You’re too much. Also, gross.” A’keria rounded the end of the bar.

“Half the tips from those girls!” Scarlet called after her, causing A’keria to stop in her tracks. “The table of Chads and half my tips.”

A’keria quirked a brow. “Really?”

“I just want to talk to her.”

She nodded before continuing to walk out to the outdoor seating, Scarlet’s heart weighted, sinking through her stomach and legs, straight through the waxed floor. She followed A’keria out.

But A’keria turned, wordlessly heading toward Scarlet’s section, collecting an empty beer pitcher from her table, turning to bring it back to the bar. She came up to Scarlet, who stood still in disbelief.

“You’re welcome,” A’keria said with a cutting sincerity.

Scarlet pulled her into a hug, holding her close as she tried to squirm out, holding the beer pitcher out with a straight arm. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“If you don’t get her, it ain’t on me.”

Scarlet nodded, releasing A’keria and accepting her blessing. “You’re the best.”

“Correct.”

Scarlet surveyed the table, the emptied drinks and shot glasses, the menus folded neatly, the rowdy din that she could still hear feet away, though now the pounding of her heart felt far louder.

She smoothed down her apron. She wished she didn’t smell like ketchup. She steeled herself and walked toward the table.

“How are we doing everybody? I’m Scarlet and I’ll be filling in for A’keria from now on.” She glanced around the table, trying to catch the gaze of the girl without seeming too suspicious. “Y’all are on vacation? Who all do we got here?”

Not suspicious of course, Scarlet reasoned. Simply trying to reason that it was good customer service to get to know them. And also, she wanted to know that girl’s name. For good customer service and also romantic reasons.

The small Latina girl to her right answered, taking Scarlet aback with her gruff voice and hand gestures thrown about. “I’m Vanjie, and that’s Brooke Lynn,” she pointed at the blonde next to her, who had her arm lazily hanging over the back of her chair, fingers draped over Vanjie’s shoulder. “Then we got Nina, and Silk, and then Yvie.”

Yvie. Scarlet let it settle in her mind, burrow deeply, let the name root itself there. Yvie. Even in Vanjie’s rough tone it sounded gentle, the sounds spun together like lace trim. Decadent. Exquisite. Yvie.

She snapped herself out of her pondering, hoping she hadn’t drawn any stares while she twirled Yvie around in her mind.

“Awesome! Well I’m Scarlet—”

“Yep, we got that,” Brooke Lynn added, Yvie joining in with a twinkling little chuckle.

God she was so stupid, forgetting something she’d just said moments ago, sure she was going to analyze and reanalyze Yvie’s chuckle at her. She’d analyze for at least twenty minutes, maybe more.

“So, uh,” Scarlet stumbled, fishing around for her pen. “Are we ready to put in some food? Or maybe some more drinks?”

“Another round of Patron!”

“Silk, no,” Nina warned

Brooke nodded. “I’m not going to drink that.”

Silky folded her arms playfully. “Fine then just me, Vanj, and Yvie, since y’all clearly aren’t looking to have fun.”

“I’m personally looking to have a very un-fun time so…” Yvie smirked, her words potently sarcastic. “No, I’m not having another either.”

Scarlet nodded, deciding to play along with the group’s dynamic, trying to recover herself from forgetting she already said her own damn name. “So, what I’m hearing is two shots, two party poopers, and one… well I don’t know what to do with you,” Scarlet trailed off, tinging the end with a light laugh directed toward Yvie.

“More like two idiots and three people who care about, like, not melting our livers with that battery acid.” Nina laughed, stirring the melting ice in her drink.

“Yeah, imagine like a gross liquified organ where your liver should be like it’s just sloshing toxic soup inside you,” Yvie continued, pointing at Silky. “That’s what your tequila does to people. It gives you the soup liver.”

Scarlet tried to hold back a laugh as the rest of the girls grimaced. “Ugh, imagine it’s broccoli cheddar, but inside a bread bowl, but inside of you.” She lowered her voice once she saw no one else react. “But yeah no soup liver, uh, Yvie.”

She said it thoughtlessly, but tentatively, as though she didn’t have permission to say her name. But it did feel wonderful to say out loud; it felt wonderfully spoken from her mouth. And it was wonderful to feel Yvie’s eyes on her once more.

“So, any other drinks or food?”

Scarlet jotted down some mixed drinks and a couple plates of appetizers, just as A’keria predicted — though she wouldn’t tell her; A’keria already knew she was always right — and headed to the back to put the order in, hearing Vanjie begin a rant about why the fuck seaweed exists and who allowed it to touch her foot. Prickling, red warmth spread through Scarlet’s chest as she heard that same laugh from Yvie. She’d like to hear that laugh as many times as possible, for sure.

When she came back with their next round of drinks, she noticed the table quieted as she approached, and remained silent as she placed the plastic cups down silently. And Yvie, she sat with her hands folded, chewing her lip, looking up at Scarlet, then looking down again, then stealing another look, like she wasn’t supposed to be looking, like it was really something she had to steal.

She laid out four straws on the table before realizing her miscount, handing one to Yvie directly, holding her gaze for only a second too long before Vanjie cleared her throat, causing Scarlet to release the straw. The straw fell through the slats and onto the ground. She scrambled to pull another out of her apron.

“Here, here’s a new one.” She placed it firmly on the table.

“So, Miss Scarlet,” Vanjie began. “What do you do around here?”

“Well…” Scarlet pondered, crouching down to pick up the straw, using the opportunity to ponder what exactly she did around here before coming back up. “I just, you know, work here and serve you food and stuff. And I like the beach, of course, so…” She shrugged, finding herself on uneven footing trying to answer that question. Really, she didn’t know what she did around here.

“Like, when you’re not doing this,” Silky elaborated, pointing her glass at Scarlet.

She could talk about school, Scarlet reasoned, shifting her weight onto her hip. That was some way for her to approach the subject of what she does when she’s not at work, getting yelled at by frat bros or being underpaid.

“I go to school for advertising design, and I’m in my last year, so that’s really fun, and also, like, terrifying, because like, what am I gonna do next, you know? I don’t know how I’m gonna turn making flyers for Wednesday Wing Explosion Night into a career, but a girl’s gotta try.” Scarlet feigned a laugh, knowing she was doing a poor job at poking fun at the sheer horror of adult life with an adult job, or really, figuring out adult life and having an adult job.

Yvie perked up, setting her drink back on the table, a smile spreading across her lips. “That’s really awesome. What do you use to make them?”

“Oh, just like, Illustrator, Photoshop. And I have to photograph the wings with our shitty point-and-shoot camera from like, 2004.” Scarlet fiddled with her hair. “So, it’s like a whole process just to get one picture of the wings looking edible.”

“Oh, I had to use that shit for my digital class.” Yvie rolled her eyes. “Photoshop is a little bitch.”

“That’s not true!” Scarlet acted as though she were scandalized. “You just have to treat her nice and she’ll work for you, I promise.”

“Yvie’s just pressed because she almost failed that class.” Brooke pointed out.

Vanjie nodded and took a long sip of her drink. “So pressed, like a panini.”

Yvie opened her mouth to respond but ended up just shaking her head. “It’s just hard.”

“For you,” Scarlet teased back, earning some light laughter from the table.

“So, Scarlet, you got a boyfriend?” Vanjie shifted her gaze to Yvie. “Or a girlfriend?”

“Vanj,” Brooke warned.

“No, no it’s totally fine.” She stole a glance at Yvie. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Of course, Scarlet wished she did, if for nothing but a little bit of joy in her day, someone to enjoy, who enjoyed her, or even someone to indulge in the intoxicating mix of saltwater breeze, sweat-struck kisses, and being in love. She pushed it aside, as she knew she should.

“I’m going to go check on your food,” Scarlet said abruptly, walking away from the table, sure she heard her name tossed around as she left. Or maybe she only hoped she did. She couldn’t trust her senses, especially when she had the image of Yvie looking up at her with those gorgeous wide eyes and flush lips clouding her thoughts.

She delivered their food quickly, normally, trying not to seem as distracted as she knew she was. And then she picked up the empty plates and cups, carefully balancing them on her tray. And then Nina had asked for the check, so Scarlet tried to seem like she wasn’t disappointed when she brought it out and collected the check presenter.

She studied the receipt as she rang them up. There was a hefty tip, written in tight, neat numbers, which she promised she’d share with A’keria. She took her time swiping the card, drawing out the transaction as long as possible, pulling the customer copy of the receipt out slowly. She clicked her pen a few times.

Fuck it.

She scribbled her phone number and a little smiley face at the bottom, placed the receipt and the credit card in the check presenter and folded it quickly, like she couldn’t bear to look at the receipt any longer.

The regret mounted as she placed it in front of Yvie, wishing them all a wonderful time here before scurrying off to the back of house. She couldn’t bear to see them open it and read her receipt, read her number, react to her including it, react to her imposing herself. And even worse, she couldn’t bear to see it laying on the table, rejected.

Her phone vibrated in her back pocket. She pulled it out, letting it sit in her hands, face down.

It was probably nothing of course. Maybe just a Twitter notification. Maybe her roommate asking another question about where the bag of bags was kept. She let out a shaking breath and looked at her screen.

An unknown number.

A text.

Hi Scarlet xx

***

Tags:  rpdr fanfiction, scyvie, scarlet envy, yvie oddly, vanessa vanjie mateo, brooke lynn hytes, silky nutmeg ganache, nina west, phryne, beach au, when the sun sets on us, lesbian au, concrit welcome, summer lovin 2020, day 1: bathing suit, submission

[bolbianddolanhouse]

Book 2 FAQ!

Book 1 FAQ Beginning of Book 2

Dang y’all, 14 chapters done for Book 2! It’s been a little bit of a struggle to hash them out on time BUT I deliver. I’ve asked, y’all keyboard smashed in my inbox...let’s get INTO IT!

4 KIDS?!

Yep. And all 4 of them are full of personality! I guess I dreamt them up to convey all of the unspoken parts of the My Hero universe (canon or not). 

Are the kid’s names in relation to their abilities?

No unfortunately, they’re names are based on their personalities/the major event that happened around the time they were born (no spoilers about it tho! Gotta read book 3 to know why!). Lili Perla is based off of Pearl from Steven Universe and their character type. Iwata El Roca is a nod to Luchador’s names and a character that passed away in the AU to honor them. Tensei Oro is a play on their family position, Tensei was the first born twin and his uncle was the first born, Oro is spanish for ‘gold’ and it’s a play on being first (ya know, because they give gold medals for 1st place!). Hanaka Rosa is a double trope name, Hanaka (Japanese: hana- flower, ka- power) is a nod to the tough girls with flower names in anime and Rosa (spanish: Rose) is a name used in telenovelas as the woman that causes all the romantic tension. I did the whole Japanese first name, Spanish middle name because thats what I want to do when I do have kids.

Why did Mineta have to be in this AU?

I hear you! The thing is that I DREAMT it like this. He’s the slightly incompetent teacher that gets dunked on by the parents. Good news is that he’s single and isn’t as gross in this part of the AU. He’s this AU’s punching bag if you will.

It was weird when you wrote in hate-crime/dorm incident bc I didn’t think about it that way...Why did you decide to explore it?

That part felt important to me to write. Yes the canon shows like actual crimes of different intensities, but not nessatreily hate-crimes done in schools. As you know, being LGBTQA+ in grade school is a terrifying thing to express if don’t want to stand out. The constant fear of peers judging you, bullies hurting you and teachers that seemingly don’t care about you if you come out is enough to silence anybody. Imagine that but in a hero school?! The hate-crime would be a villainous act and the culprit would have to do desperate measures to make sure nobody rats on them to maintain a clean image/record. Plus on the flip side, any ally that stands up for their oppressed peer is hailed the hero but they wouldn’t have to stand up for them if there were real consequences and punishment for the bullies. So in the AU, I wrote it how I’d want such hate-crimes to be handled. Not only justice but also accommodations for the victim.

The Mcdonalds order cracks me up! What is your Mcdonalds order?

I throughly enjoyed the Mcdonalds order part too. It’s a nod to the proposal in Book 1 when they went to Mcdonalds before the peer over. I wrote it to show that the family goes every now and then. My order is: Triple Cheeseburger, Large fries, Large sweet tea, 2 sausage and egg McMuffins & a cone. And yes, there will be a Mcdonalds order for every child because it drives the plot.

Will there be more interactions with the pro heroes from the canon series?

YES! Though old, theres more interactions planned with them. Of course, it’s all in Book 3 (trying not to spoil anything!).

Is it spoiler if you tell us if your kids (or one of them) becomes a villain?

I’ll tell y’all right now....NONE of my kids becomes a villain. It might look like one or two of them might from the way I wrote them but they’re just latina.

Will one of your kids be the next Ingenium?

Yes but I won’t tell you which one. But I can’t wait to reveal it to y'all!

I see all the call-backs to your self insert character’s past...Is it alluding to the conclusion?

I dreamt it as such and I fixed it in writing as a way to come full circle. Notice that Lili didn’t get any of her mom’s past from her mom? It wasn’t until when she confronted her on the couch in chapter 13. Even then, it wasn’t the full story nor did it fill in all the cracks and time skips after her mom’s time at UA. In Book 3, we explore more of the past. The conclusion is yet to be revealed.

How big is that house?!

It’s a little hard to explain? I want to say its big but parts of the house are disproportionate. It’s a two story house with no attic nor basement, 3 bath room, Master bedroom, 2 large bedrooms, office space, guest room, full kitchen, dining room, large living room, three car garage and a decent size backyard. What I’m trying to say that it’s big enough for that chaotic ass family.

Where’s Aizawa?!

Let the mans rest! He’s alive but he’s busy being a grandpa and taking naps. 

Canon villains OwO?

Y’all ate UP the Dabi surrender in Book 1 and his little mention in Book 2. But in this AU (not to spoil anything to anime only and manga dabblers) the League of Villains are still rampant but dispersed. In Book 3 (and part of Book 4) they pop in to drive the plot from a canon storyline. In the series, the rookie Hawks has been seen as a double agent and exposes a corrupt Hero Society. Same concept but in this AU, Hawks has gone missing when he failed to kill Best Jeanist. Here’s where the kids go into play BUT more on that as the plot progresses!

I really want to see art of these OCs! I wanna see how Iida’s genes transferred over to his kids!

I hear y'all! I’ve slid into DM during commission windows and have the means to pay for some line art at least...but with no responses. I’ve got my self insert character done in this post if you wanna check it out plus the artist was super sweet during the whole process. I may commission them again when they got a window of commissions open. But I may do a lineart of the kid’s faces in the near future.

What if....hypothetically....Shinso stayed?

Oh boy, okay so the Shinso stans have BOMBARDED my asks since the last arc of Book 1. So what if Shinso stayed...obviously I wouldn’t have 4 kids, just the one that we were gonna have. We wouldn’t be married and overall just be loveless the more we see our friends get married and start families. The company would still be there but delayed by 5 years or so. Our son would grow up to convince me and Shinso to separate when they get at around High school age. Tenya still wouldn’t have said anything but done the reunited part differently. I would’ve considered cheating but morals would’ve stopped me. Eventually, when our son decides to move out, we’d stay as housemates and basically die alone....aren’t you glad this AU isn’t such a downer?! Luckily things are patched up with my self insert and Shinso, because he comes into play in Book 3!

Eri Nurse! In your AU!

Yup! I’ve actually read some NurseEri! AUs on twitter and Tumblr (btw, some of y’all that like my posts have good taste in fics!) and it manifested in my dreams and created UA Nurse Eri. She shows up a few more times in the AU, so don’t fret if Eri is your fave.

Is it okay if I follow you on a different platform? Do you have another social media that I can follow you on?

You can follow me on Twitter (@oketsusama). It’s my personal twitter that I repost memes and get my news from. So it’s not as poppin as my Tumblr, but at least it’s AU free over there lmao.

What’s you favorite rare pair in the My Hero canon storyline?

Oh! and DON’T hate me, but I stan the Sero x Iida rare pair! There’s crumbs of the pair on twitter and here but the ones that I did read got me in tears. If you haven’t seen this tag on twitter and Tumblr, DO IT! The one on twitter had a lot of angst in it and it got me HOOKED on some of that goofball with their geeky partner energy.

Not a question, but I like your //Palma-sama Speaks in the tags. They’re funny and makes your posts that much more personalized.

I will cry! Thanks for reading that far! I like doing the ‘talking in the tags’ thing to basically point out the callbacks to new readers that stumbled upon that chapter of the AU. 

How long is this AU?!

It’s quite long BUT the ending is marvelous, trust. 

============================================

Thanks for reading! That’s all the asks for now, keep asking them! I love reading them. Next is the finale of Book 2! Everything will still come out 2-3 days of each other until further notice. Stay safe, drink water!

-Palma-Sama

[jlf23tumble]

1D Day, Hour Two

The file I’m watching on YouTube is much shorter than an hour (44 minutes!!), but that’s because the poster kindly removed the “VT” (shudder) from random countries (it always boils down to [insert country’s name’s] fans wilding, and there’s only so much of that I can take).

Still, hour 2 is fucking ICONIC for many reasons, the biggest being Harry’s barely constrained rage. Yes, Louis’s “done with it all” demeanor on 1D Day is (justifiably) legendary, but Harry’s right there with him (twin flames, y’all). I can’t tell if he’s coked up, genuinely angry, or just passive-aggressively petty because someone told him he had to speak more quickly, much more loudly, and with some enthusiasm, for chrissakes. Oh, he delivers, all right, so much maniacal shouting. Deets under the cut.

Hour 2 is all Lirry, and I, for one, love Lirry, so it’s 44 minutes well spent. Liam tells us, “We’re kicking it off with VT from  France, give it up for France!” (“FRANCAIS!” Harry yells), and after the missing bit of French VT, we’re back to Lirry, with Harry vacillating between murdering the French language (“Mercy boo coo to France”) and shouting “I ATE SNAILS” as his contribution to what they did in France last time they were there (Liam played football with some guys near the Eiffel Tower, fwiw).

The first guest is Dynamo (or, “DYNAMO, EVERYBODY” if you’re Harry), and he’s here for card tricks and more (“OH, SNAP” is Harry’s response to Dynamo nearly twisting his own finger off, and god, it’s horrifying). Harry’s fairly manic through the entirety of the card tricks, but I love Liam because he’s me in every card trick (“I’m glad mine’s easy to remember because I’d probably forget,” which is true of any card you take, like, ever???):

“WHO LOVES MAGIC!” Harry shouts, and there’s a needlessly complicated special interactive trick that gets introduced here, with Dynamo saying that he wrote a prediction on a piece of paper and sealed it in a box at the beginning of the day, so he needs to Harry to keep the key safe. Points if you correctly assumed that Harry will stuff that key right in next to his dick as a joke.

Because nobody rehearsed or prepared for this epic full-day live event, there are all kinds of problems with the cameras, and if you want a fun drinking game to get you hammered within 45 minutes, take a shot every time you see a variation of this (Liam looking vaguely concerned while Harry aggressively points at the sky or the camera while shouting):

A horrifically bad segment that’s a poorly disguised advert for Google Hangouts (lmaoaoaoaooaoaoa) kicks off questions from all over the world (the audio is bad, none of the visuals syncs), but we get some iconic answers to deeply important questions, like, “If you were in the Hunger Games, who would  survive the longest?” Liam says he’d hide and then kill passersby (yikes), and Harry says he’s more of a lover than a fighter, so he’d hide in a tree until it all blew over. Liam: “Oh, yeah, you’re definitely more of a lover.” Harry: “Easy there, Piers Morgan.”

The next question is from a group of girls wearing Christmas sweaters, which annoys Harry because “it’s a whole month and two days early,” but I think his issues are bigger than jumping the gun on holidays (and honestly, the UK doesn’t have the twin buffers of T’day and H’ween, so you KNOW this is just part of his general rage). Anyway, they want to know what other careers these two would be involved with, sans the D, and because they’re five, Liam says spaceman and Harry says baker.

After a series of horrible glitches, the next question is about which superhero they’d be, and me as Harry, blowing a giant raspberry as he ponders this important question with the level of exhaustion he surely must feel, three years into this band/interview technique. Liam can read the room, so he picks this one up and says he’d be Kung-Fu Panda, which makes it easy for Harry to say Hong Kong Fuey (!!!) or Top Cat.

With that mess done, it’s time to “ROLL THE VT!” (according to Harry) for Switzerland, and because the producers here are nothing if not cliché lovers, that means tiny cowbells for Harry to play with when we come back. He quickly tires of this, throws the cowbells off stage, yells “WE NEED A CAMERA,” and walks straight into the call box with the overwhelmed girls from hour 1. These girls are still weeping, but Harry says, “Thank you for listening to the album, you’re getting kicked out, sorry,” in the flattest voice possible, so good cop Liam hurries over to ask the weeping girls which song they liked and usher in two new people.

“Happily” is debuted, but we don’t get to see it, boo, but we do get ushered over to a theater with some contest winners. Or as Harry says, “We’re here backstage to meet some fans who have won a chance to be here…SHUT UP…in our VIP cinema,” and then, “You’re crying…is that because I told you to shut up? I didn’t mean it.” Liam is there again to save the day, but there are lots of sound problems, so it’s hard to tell what’s happening, tbh.

Anyway, these fans get to ask some iconic questions, such as, “What would we find in your fridge?” which gives us this classic from Harry: “I DON’T LIVE ANYWHERE, SO NO FOOD,” as the audience says, “awwwwww” in the background.

There’s a question from a lady on the screen, saying that she’s in front of the X Factor studios, and she wants to know what they would change their audition song to, if they could go back in time, and because Harry’s well aware of his various stalkers, he says, “I saw her the other day at the X Factor studios, 100 percent” (fwiw, Harry would do “Wrecking Ball” with props, and Liam would do “Mirrors”).

The last question is what they would change if they could go back in time, and Liam says probably his older haircuts, and Harry says that one day in April (and he mentions April again later in the hour, so someone investigate), he had a dodgy breakfast burrito, so he’d probably change that (he also had a dodgy batch of prawns one time, too, but that’s a different story, and god, he’s an underrated comedian). The sound is for shit, but Liam doubts this, prompting Harry to scream, “DON’T JUDGE ME, LIAM, I’M TRYING MY BEST,” and whyyyyyy is he so on fire (and why do I love it so much):

We get back to the studio with an inexplicably breathless Scott Mills (he says he ran…but from where, lmao) and do another spin to figure out who the official 1D account (????) will follow on twitter. Harry starts cheating before people start yelling at him to stop, which is a shame, really, just follow all of these poor bastards, honestly!

We don’t get to see the VT from Germany, but we do get to see Lirry bickering about camera problems and stolen lines, plus an exhaustive rundown of all the thrilling things to come, and I’m so thankful to the person who made this moment a Dua Lipa meme all those months ago:

One of my favorite segments has a really awkward setup, but tl/dr/dw, Harry brags, “I’m a bit of a chef myself, and if I’m honest, Liam, I’m pretty damned good at it,” so we get a “ROLL VT!” and an aggressive finger point, both from Harry, and a silly but charming cook off with the tour chef, who seems like a lovely lady (p.s. look at how glorious his hair was under all those tablecloths…also, he’s chewing gum in a gross way, but this whole bit is worth watching in full):

The cook off is genuinely funny and results in a beautiful pavlova from Sarah and a basic sandwich (with pickle and paprika) from Harry, judged by Mark Jarvis, Gemma Styles, and Lou Teasdale, all of whom Harry bribes. I’m more fascinated with this ring, and my head canon has it either saying ILY or JEN (both of which make me smile):

With that bit over, we move on to more rapping of random tweets, and it’s embarrassing, so I won’t get into that. But the VT of Liam surfing is something special, not only because he looks so obviously happy while he’s doing it, but also because he says some very profound things in the interview around it: “I get followed a lot, so it’s quite nice to get out in the sea where nobody can follow you […] it’s so nice and peaceful […] it doesn’t matter what you look like, you can just have a good time, it’s a bit of an escape,” and ouchhhhhh, that’s some real talk.

We head back to the studio for a fashion segment with Louise someone; a handful of lucky fans in Sweden won a t-shirt design contest, and Lirry are gonna do some modeling. Louise is happy that Harry knows where Sweden is (Harry:  “I got a B in geography…might have been a C, can’t remember”), and some poor shlub working on this trainwreck in the shadow gets dragged out on camera because he’s wearing green jeans, but he’s not there for long (Harry: “GET OUT” *shove*). Louise describes the fashion show to come, and Harry says that he’s quite good at walking in straight lines, but Liam reminds him that he tends to fall over a lot on stage and that the tiny catwalk is actually pretty shiny (god bless Liam for being so responsible).

Luckily for all of us, professional model Cindy Crawford is there to help with some tips (she’s introduced as “IT’S ONLY BLOODY CINDY CRAWFORD” by Harry, and I die with Cindy’s “Hello, boys,” and Harry’s “Hello, Mrs. Crawford”…followed swiftly by Cindy’s, “Please don’t call me Mrs. Crawford”). There’s some sexi modeling, and even though he only wears two shirts to Harry’s three (*and* Harry gets down on the ground to pose), Liam wins, according to the Swedes. He requests a model  off with Cindy as his prize, and he’s surprisingly good?

The last segment is with Dynamo, the magic man, and for some reason, Harry’s weirdly agro about his own shirt mic, like, unnecessarily so, ripping it off to speak with Dynamo before gently putting it back where it belongs. Maybe he’s just frustrated about how they have to use Google+ (lololololol) for a totally convoluted imaginary concert that ultimately doesn’t work (me as him, tbh). 

While Liam does tech support live on air (!!), Harry asks Dynamo to do some card tricks to stall for time after literally nobody says a word when he monotones, “We’re having a technical difficulty…does anybody know any jokes.” Harry pulls a card as directed, but then, for seemingly no reason, he suddenly starts yelling, “THIS ISN’T WORKING, SHALL WE SEE SOME HIGHLIGHTS? HIGHLIGHTS!!! ROLL HIGHLIGHTS [aggressive pointing]!!” and the highlights are truly awful, and I hope he’s enjoying his smoke break for hour 3, jfc.