#also worth mentioning is that if said player was ever late/absent then we just blamed it on dad taking a nap lmao

[qrovidcore]

okay, because @twixtandshout says I should, I present to you all:

The Adventures Of Dad^TM

(this is long I am sorry)

- So, it’s the start of a new semester, which means new games for my school d&d society

- and I’m doing a table for us, with some folks I haven’t met before, and I get talking to one of them about our past games

- “oh yeah,” he says “I have this character I’m really attached to and I want to play him again.”

- “well my gm is really cool, he’s doing a sci-fi campaign, you should totally sign up for his game!”

- “cool, I will”

- and he does. and he introduces our newly formed party all to Dad.

- full name: dad. occupation: everyone’s dad. skills: craft steak. reason for being on this spaceship: got lost and was too stubborn to ask for directions. character description: who needs a personality when you’ve got grillin’ skills like these!

- I’d say the entire party immediately adopted Dad, but it would be more accurate to say that Dad immediately adopted the party.

- Dad’s talents included grilling in zero gravity, greeting everyone we met with a firm handshake, getting high rolls to say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” and materializing alongside whatever dumbass party member had gotten themself into trouble this time because “Dad can sense when his children are in trouble”

- Dad had no canonical appearance, as he was simply the platonic ideal of a dad. art of him always, without fail, depicted him in a hawaiian shirt.

- once he was depicted as a centaur-like creature, but his bottom half was a lawn mower. this may or may not be canon. we don’t really know.

- anyhow, Dad is a peaceful guy, and like, we don’t do a whole lot of fighting, so like, whatever

- but we were given a final boss

- and like, the fight is going slow

- until Dad shows up

- pulls out Dad’s Trusty Shotgun^TM

- because “A Man’s Gotta Protect His Family”

- and 

- fucking

- in one shot

- takes out the big bad’s entire defense system

- to the horror of our long-suffering GM, who just hid his head in his hands in utter defeat, because that was about half the fight in one round

- next semester, this same player signs up for my campaign

- “hey, GM? can I play Dad again?” “fine. but only if you take a rank in craft steaks.”

- well, we get one (1) fight in

- a fight that i had PURPOSEFULLY set up to try and make the new party figure out how to work together

- and I forgot about Dad’s Trusty Shotgun^TM, despite the fact that I should’ve known better

- and Dad deals 15 damage to an enemy with 8 hp, and ends the combat in one (1) turn.

- Dad proceeds to become the reason why I can’t make up any enemies with an hp of less than 50, otherwise the fight just doesn’t last

- Dad adopts not only the party, but also pretty much every single non-hostile npc

- (the party was very on-board with this)

- in one session, the party elected to send Dad on a Dad Sidequest, in which Dad commits Crimes^TM in the form of helping a kid fake their death in order to hide from the government

- he pretends to be Sargent Dadd in order to get through security and do so, and rolls so high on his disguise check that nobody questions him

- he then nat 1s on his forgery check, and is Unable to lie on the necessary records

- followed immediately by an nat 20 to authoritatively spread news of the kid’s “death” just like, around. could he lie when forging? no. no but he is now so Determined to protect his child that he will believe this lie now, goddamnit.

- his endgame was only summed up as “Dad continues on to his next d&d campaign,” a statement explainable by the following Dad Lore:

- every universe has a Dad. he is Everywhere, in many iterations. waiting to grill you steaks and call you champ.

- We Are All Dad’s Children