#also while i didn't really forget about yoshida

[smilemuse]

HIS REACTION IS SOMETHING THAT HE DOESN'T QUITE EXPECT CONSIDERING DENJI USUALLY WELCOMES HIS ADVANCES. he wonders if their time apart had really done that, but a part of him really can't forget. he likes these sides of denji even if he knows people would question him on his taste. but for him, denji is a lot like TIME, there's no value to it but it's measured in life. life is limited, often taken for granted & he doesn't want to take what denji's worth is to him. he is priceless & even if he's unsure how long they would have at this moment, yoshida would cherish every second of it. however, there's still a smile on his lips as he takes another spoonful of the porridge that he's cooked. the fact of the matter is, he would never let anyone take care of him.

❛ what's different about it? ❜ he decides to humor him because even in the haze of his fever, he knows this doesn't make much sense. ❛ if you were sick, you know i'd take care of you. so what then? is that different?❜ he counters the other before he takes another bite of his spoon-fed soup. yoshida gives denji's hand another squeeze wondering if he can feel the radiating heat off just his hand. he wonders if he's uncomfortable, but the blonde makes no motion to let go. instead they stay connected as they always were, as they should have been.

yoshida listens & he feels himself melt like chocolate tempered to be made into a truffle. if he wasn't sick he knows what kind of emboldened move he would make, but he should be patient on that front. he can feel his heart rattling in it's cage once more, the roar of it telling him to act on emotions rather than his brain. he disliked seeing that look on denji's face, chewed & spit out by him like he was nothing more than discarded trash. he shakes his head now, ❛ i shouldn't have shut you out. i'm sorry, denji. were you thinking about me on the way here?❜ he should know the answer to this question, but he wants that validation. ❛ i'm not perfect, but those things don't stress me out. what stressed me out was...❜ he trails off feeling like he can admit it now.

❛ you kissed reze in the classroom awhile back, right? i saw and i just assumed you two were a thing. i mean...you are, right? ❜ he doesn't know if denji is piecing everything together, but yoshida was jealous. he knew he'd never get his attention since he didn't have the female anatomy. he also wasn't the type of person who sought these relationships most teenagers loved to talk about whether it was bragging about being in one or hallway gossip. yoshida would reject it in any way that he could. ❛ denji, i was jealous because i only wanted your eyes to be on me and that's selfish. ❜ he looks up at him now, a worry-worn smile on his mouth wondering if yoshida could get away with implying it, but he might have to admit it:

I LIKE YOU.

it's just that he didn't want to admit it while he was in this state. this awful shape where denji has to take care of him. yoshida feels like bullet holes on a target sheet, he was bare & ripped by pieces of metal. denji would be able to see the parts of him that weren't the image he purported at school, but he also understands that he had let denji see him fully as he was. he can feel the sudden perspiration forming in his back & he knows is fever is in full force. he wonders how much of this conversation he can keep before sleep abruptly grasps him.

denji flinches a little at his question, swears that the embarrassment of being caught increases the flush, but he still manages to somewhat look at yoshida as he guides the spoon into his mouth. he'd belatedly thought about blowing on the food in case it was too hot, but it seemed like yoshida could handle it at least. as he prepares another spoonful, he feels a warm hand enveloping his own. finally, denji looks at yoshida and he wonders what he's supposed to see or what he looks like to him right now. his brief recollection of sharing food with yoshida crops up in his brain, causing him to frown.

“it's not the same,” denji attempts to justify. he doesn't know what he's trying to justify, but he's trying to. “it's because you're sharing your food with me. i'm just feeding you because you can't feed yourself.” denji huffs and finds that he misses those times. an image of yoshida turning the spoon on him just to get a taste of what his food is like sits heavy on his mind for some reason. he doesn't get why it does suddenly; his skin feels scalding hot. taking another spoon to yoshida's mouth, he pauses, wondering just how he knew what he could be thinking.

denji sets the spoon back in the bowl, taking a moment to think of the right words to say. he felt like a different kind of expression in his chest, coupled with his confusion. last time he and yoshida spoke it ended in disaster, and denji heated that yoshida wouldn't open up to him. denji knows he sort of has him now, but there are still so many things he's confused about. he takes a baited breath, hand unconsciously squeezing yoshida's. “o'course i missed you,” denji began in a low voice, weeks of longing laced in the undertones of his confession.

“i thought a lot about... i thought a lotta bout ya. even though we were arguin'. iunno why, yer almost perfect n' stuff. but i wondered if ya fangirls were bein' too much for ya... if student council work was stressin' ya out... stuff like that. before i knew it I started lookin' fer ya after class, just... i knew where you'd be; you'd wait for me in the library for tutorin'... but 't's kinda awkward ta go back to somethin' normal after that. iunno why i couldn't face ya. 'm sorry, yoshida.” denji wonders if his rambling made any kind of sense to the other, as saying it out loud didn't do any of his thoughts proper justice, he feels. another squeeze to his hand ought to convey just how badly denji truly missed yoshida's presence and he was currently drinking up every bit of his attention he could get before things get awkward again.

it would suck even worse, as summer vacation were soon coming up upon them. he would be away for an entire month, unable to see yoshida, worried about their standing as friends. he wanted to invite him, but as things are now he's not so sure.

[righteousdelusions]

yoshida is officially my newest blorbo huh

[sakuhai]

I don't agree with any argument that insists that Ash didn't had to die.But I do agree that the ending was bad and unfair for many other characters especially Eiji and Yut Lung.That thing that you mentioned about abuse victims being saved could had happened to Yut Lung if Yoshida didn't hate him so much and actually gave his character a conclusion.Yut could had been saved because after taking his revenge there was no need for him to live in the shadows.Unlike Ash who had way more blood on his hands and much more enemies and open businessess.However overall I did like Ash's conclusion.

Yoshida has said that even though it's harsh with the character of Aslan she wanted to show how a victim can be the same or even worst than his abusers.He wasnt meant to be saved.There is no redemption for him.His death was forshadowed from the very first time he made an appearance in the manga.Not to mention the title.Practically Ash has as much blood on his hands as the people he supposedly was against of.And his soul has been corrupted and the scariest thing is that Ash only realized this after he met Eiji.As the author has said about Ash "Is better to see him in a beautiful picture from afar without knowing anything about him,than to actually meet him and get involved with him.Nothing good will come out of that.Not for anyone".

She also said (and that is just a matter of common sense really) that even if Ash had made it to Japan he wouldn't had lived long and he had no future with Eiji anyway.Ash could never stop killing people.By the end of the story before his death Ash was not free at all.He still very much had enemies.Including the Corsian mafia.He even lost every evidence about the drug banana fish therefore his brother dying was in vain.Ash also saw the men who hurt him the most (Dino ,Foxx) die without ever paying for their crimes.Ash was an internationally wanted criminal.Police,Interpol,FBI were after him because he was a convict dangerous criminal.In Japan sooner or later Ash would start killing people again because they would definitely recognize him and report him.All Ash's enemies would find him everywhere.There was no hope for escape or a normal life for Ash.He and potentially Eiji were doomed.

As the author said about Ash's death (despite that after all he is just a murderer -where is the lie though?-) she also said "It's better to die while you are still loved than live enough and be hated" meaning that even "the unicorn" Eiji would eventually be fed up from living on the edge with Ash.

Ash was trained to be an assassin and his body automatically reacts to the slightest sense of danger with murdering the source without a second thought without hesitation.However things are even more complicated than that.

People fail to see (or they choose not to out of love for Ash) what Yoshida tried to make clear.There is a really dark side of Ash that makes him even enjoy murder.He enjoys the illusion of control and power his perfect assassin abilities give him.In a way he takes out all of his frustration from years of supression and torture.He wants to forget and eliminate everything that reminds him of that little boy who was powerless and his life was destroyed.

Even people who supposedly know Ash well and supposedly love him and care about him they can see his evil side.Ash often is compared to a dangerous wild animal controlled only by it's instinct.He is even compared to the Devil.Ash is a "genius" with iq over 200 and he even had the ability and did steal 50 million from Dino without anyone realizing but that same Ash chose to be a gangsta and kill people when he could had done otherwise.There is just something that makes Ash more attracted to darkness.He can't escape it.It has become his nature.

And let's face it he mostly just killed other gang members who were no better or worst than him.They didn't deserve to live or to die more than him.They were even younger than him.Their pasts could had been even worst than his.Yet Ash chose to kill them.At some point we even see Ash having the nerve to think that he has the right to judge who deserves to die and who doesn't.Like he told Sing that he doesnt deserve to die just yet after the Dino mansion massacre.Ash had the audacity to tell the people in the medical clinic that he is going to kill them all because they did experiments to criminals.Does Ash really have the right to judge them and their actions though?That logic "I'm going to kill you because you do something I consider wrong" in the end of the day how would that make Ash different than those people?Despite everything he had no right to threaten them nor to kill any of them.

Ash also killed other people who were not worst than him nor did they deserve it.Nor were they more guilty than him.Ash and his gang killed countless of men simple guards who were doing a "dirty job" who knows for what reason.It could had been serious reasons.It could had been that they had np other choice.Yet Ash kills thousands of people without knowing anything about them...Yet he expets others to see him.as a person and respect his own life?Let's not forget that Ash had worked as an assassin for Dino.Taking commissions from him.So much that at the age of 14 after the Juvi he claimed his "independence".

Which practically only means that Ash simply wouldn't kill under Dino's orders but ultimately Ash still continued to kill so what was the point of his "freedom"?It's also pretty "funny" how Ash supposedly was disgusted by his self when Dino got him again because he had to think and write invasion and war strategies and manifesto on those things but at the same time being in the slums of NY and killing other boys every single day was apparently OK for Ash?What's the point?In both ways there still going to be blood,so what's the difference?Ash should had been disgusted by himself either way.

Ash is also a questionable leader.Desperate kids and other thugs followed him because they liked his brutal and fast ways of dealing with things.Not because he was a good person or cared about them.Ash was also selfish and arrogant He treated his gang boys like trash.They were scared of him and his moody personality and his violent outbursts.Remember that he broke one of "his boys" teeth simply because that dude accidentally woke him up from a nap?

Throughout the story Yoshida makes sure to establish many times that despite having been a victim of all kinds of abuse Ash Lynx is the ultimate antihero.She wanted a character like that as the mc of her story.Ash is also very much of a troublemaker and he also attracts problems.It's not just that the entire world is against him and he can't help it.At some point Yoshida even said that she thinks she overdid it with Ash and made some kind of a "Chuck Norris" character.Ash should had died a thousand times throughout the story already.They way he always manages to survive often makes below zero sense...

Yoshida has said that she never intended for Ash and Eiji to have any sort of romantic involvement.She never even consider that possibility.And ultimately Yoshida's decisions about her story don't necessarily have anything to do with the 80's and 90's this story was written in.It's just that the "tragedy" is the type of story Yoshida wanted to write.

People are just way to sentimental about Ash,and they fail to be objective.They lebel someone with a bad past as a "victim" who automatically "must be protected" "deserves happiness" etc...but just imagine if all abuse victims were like Ash.Killing everyday just to make it alive one more day?

That sounds awful.If Ash had lived enough to kill everyone and their mothers he still wouldn't be free nor loved nor happy.Because murder corrupts the soul no matter what and why.

my feelings about the ending…

my feelings on the Banana Fish ending are…needless to say…very complicated. I know people either love it or hate it and that’s fine. I can say why I understand this ending while at the same time not being able to really comprehend why this was the only logical conclusion to Ash and Eiji’s story. I understand that Yoshida was in a bad place when she wrote it. I understand less the reasons she gave, from killing him so that Sing didn’t have to kill Lao (please don’t ask I have tried and failed to make sense of the logic) to her saying that Ash deserved to die because “he’s still a murderer.”  I can even substitute my own reasoning where this was Ash’s ultimate and final act of love, in which by choosing to die, he secures Eiji’s safety forever. however we forget one person in all of this. the person Ash’s death immediately affects: Eiji. 

now when I see Yoshida saying that Ash deserved this fate, I ask myself: did Eiji? to put it simply, no I don’t think he did. he was a boy from Japan who came to America to heal a wounded spirit but by the end he was left with a broken heart that he never recovers from. he says that he is capable of being happy, but is he really? I read that and didn’t believe it for a moment. sure he can be happy and sure he can smile. but he’s changed completely. he’s no longer the dork with a dry, sardonic wit. his smiles and demeanor are melancholic. while I do believe that he ultimately let the guilt and grief he shouldered over Ash’s death go by the end of GoL, he never recovered from the loss of Ash himself. they were soulmates and as Eiji said, his soul was always with him and that he would wait for Ash forever. he did the last part. and when Ash died, he took a bit of Eiji with him. was Eiji deserving of such a fate?

I know what people are going to say: that it made narrative sense. and maybe you’re right. but at the same time not really? I know in a way, Ash was defying fate by choosing to die on his own terms. that he died in a way he couldn’t live: happy. he chose to go in peace which against the chaos of his life, it was a very Ash thing to do. slip away under the radar and his body probably wasn’t even discovered until hours after he died. at the same time, it seems like he also resigned himself to his fate. sure maybe Eiji’s purpose was to make Ash happy in his final days, not to save him. the leopard was supposed to represent Ash and Eiji said that humans can change their fate. is the change of fate supposed to be Ash choosing to die rather than going out some other way? but would it have been such a stretch for Ash to finally get a happy ending? maybe…though I don’t think so considering Yoshida’s later works involving Sing but that’s a rant for another day. it’s just a narrative I’m frankly quite tired of seeing. Ash lived his life at the constant mercy of people who simply wanted what they could get out of him. he wasn’t seen as a person. he spent his whole life trying to break free of it and when he did…he just dies? 

I like a good tragedy as much as the next guy but it’s everywhere. and this idea that is often perpetuated in media is that abuse victims are too damaged to ever hope of finding a happy ending or even overcoming their abuse and recovering. I understand Banana Fish is a product of the mid 80s - early 90s, but it’s been very prevalent in literature and media before and since. it’s a message many of us abuse and in my case, csa survivors, are tired of seeing.

so really do I hate or like the ending? a bit of both. it solidified OTP status for asheiji and marked their love as something indescribably beautiful to me. in my view, Ash put Eiji before everything, including his life. he knew that Eiji would never stay away for too long and that Ash for his part would never be able to stay away from him. that’s because their souls are intertwined and would always be. knowing that Eiji would always be with him and vice versa, Ash could die knowing that he would always have Eiji’s love, even in death. and it’s beautiful. but it’s also very sad. Ash and Eiji’s was a tragic story, but I wish it could’ve been anything else.