#also we need to perform something as well and my my anxiety's literally driving me up a wall

[emmrberks]

.

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Okay a lot of this is valid but...

These parts:

I can drive but can't afford a car and can't get to the car without help where we live (it was in a parking garage two blocks away when we had one thanks to my parents). I can't work. I'm mostly housebound, but I can leave the house about 1-3 times a month. I isolate myself a lot. Crucially, this is as much because of my physical disabilities as my neurodisabilities, in ways that are inseparable due to being inextricably intertwined; but I also don't know what kind of disabilities the original post is referencing.

And idk, these parts seem in bad faith. Someone might be able to work and make appointments and travel but not wash or feed themselves, perform basic household chores. Someone may technically be "able" to do these things but while they do it is rapidly driving them towards a breakdown which will make them permanently unable to ever do them again, and might even just directly kill them.

Medium support needs is the widest and most nuanced category because being low support needs in highly visible categories but high support needs in less visible categories makes you effectively medium support needs.

That being said, this did make me realize that aside from a few splinter skills, I am essentially high support needs. Perhaps on the low end, given that I don't use AAC, am an ambulatory wheelchair user, etc, but still. I can only drive if someone gets me to and from the car, and if I have to go in anywhere other than a trusted person's house I almost always need a trusted person with me. In fact, I can maybe leave the house alone once every month to two months.

I cannot grocery shop for myself. I need help bathing myself. When constipated I need help toileting, as well as with the chamber pot setup every night by my bed due to interstitial cystitis. I can't prepare food to the point I can't wash a dish or use the microwave. I can make a budget but can rarely stick to it. I DEFINITELY can't work. I can't walk two blocks. I can't do ANY household chores.

I can do things like read, write, draw/paint, knit, learn languages, do math, and play logic games as hobbies, but only if my pathological demand avoidance doesn't get triggered and my executive dysfunction is low - and at a much slower pace than the vast majority of people, let alone the majority of people at the same skill level as me. I can't monetize any of these for those reasons. I also can't use these, for the most part, in any useful way even outside of monetizable ways.

There's so much more that I can't even remember right now because memory issues are part of my disabilities. I can technically make my own appointments, but a mix of medical trauma and phone anxiety has made it so that the "can" only applies very rarely. It's only gotten better at all recently because utter desperation drove me into "fight" instead of "flight" reflex about it. I've literally only been getting it done because one of my disabilities did that rare thing where it works in my favor while still hurting me.

I think maybe that's the part that stuck out at me. Even though I'm similar to OP in every other category, I technically can make my own appointments.

But it also makes me think of all the people who can do a lot of the things OP describes, but utterly CAN'T do other things at ALL, and who yes, explicitly are being denied help because of their ability to do the things they CAN do. Which, of course, doesn't mean people who can't do things across the board ARE all getting that help; just literally that they're being denied it for different reasons.

The part about "what is hard for you, I can't do" also sticks out at me though. "Can't" is more of a spectrum than people are willing to admit*, but also... something being extremely difficult for someone, especially to the point it is hurting them, explicitly means that they have support needs that are going unmet, because they need support to do the task without hurting themselves.

Someone who is low support needs finds these tasks relatively easy, and is harmed very little by performing them. Them being low support needs means they need a low level of support to easily and safely complete these tasks without hurting themselves. As a mobility aid user, this is someone who uses a cane on rare occasion, or uses a cane for mild support regularly.

Someone who is medium support needs finds these tasks significantly difficult, and is harmed a decent amount by performing them. They also may not be able to perform some, but able to perform others, to various extents and with varying levels of ease. Medium support needs means they need either a consistent medium level of support to easily and safely complete these tasks without hurting themselves. This is someone who uses crutches or a walker, or who switches between mobility aids based on their need that day.

Someone with high support needs finds these tasks extremely difficult or impossible, and is badly harmed by performing any of the tasks that they can. High support needs means they need a high level of support to get these tasks completed, up to and including having the tasks done for them. This is someone who regularly uses a wheelchair, even if they can walk a little bit.

If low support needs spaces don't leave room for legitimate struggle, neither do high support needs spaces. It's either, "you can't do it", or "you can and therefore no matter how much you struggle to do so and how much doing so hurts you, your support needs are not 'high' because needing a high level of support to complete a task SAFELY doesn't count".

Yes, there is a difference between not being able to complete a task at all and not being able to complete it safely. I have been on both sides of that line. With a few remaining tasks I still am. But like I said once before about being able to work, it is the difference between starving because you are not able to stab yourself for money, and stabbing yourself for money. One kills you very slowly with starvation as it disables you further and traumatizes you, one kills you by very slowly bleeding you out, forming scar tissue (trauma), and disabling you further.

They're both horrific, but somehow too many people handwave it as "but you CAN stab yourself and I don't see the internal injuries so obviously it isn't as bad as being literally unable to lift and move the knife".

They are different struggles, but I believe they're more equal than anyone is willing to admit, and I believe it's because people who can't do things - especially those who have never been able to do them - are unwilling to admit that being "able" to do things in a way that profoundly harms you is just as harmful as not being able to do them. It is not recognized as a struggle as valid or legitimate.

They mean you face different barriers to receiving adequate care and getting your support needs met. But not getting your support needs met over time often compounds into your support needs becoming significantly higher and losing abilities you previously had, sometimes permanently. This is true of all kinds of disabilities. These categories are somewhat fluid, but typically only in the direction of "becoming more disabled".

Quite frankly, I wonder if it would be helpful to create a category like "absolute support needs" to specifically address people who cannot, ever, meet most of their own needs or do most tasks. I think there could still be wiggle room for "most" vs "all" - Something like either 90 or 95 percent requiring another person or assistive device's help for example, roughly.

The problem with "high support needs" as it exists currently is that there ARE people who have extremely high support needs not being met that just barely scrape by getting the most urgent of them met.

But the thing is, it's not "low support needs=basically no support needs", "high support needs=every single support need at the highest level", and "medium support needs=everyone else".

High support needs are a smaller part of a wider spectrum. Someone can be on the low end or high end of high support needs. Someone can be on the low or high end of low support needs. The same goes for middle support needs but with even more complexity. There's a lot of overlap and grey area between "high end of low/low end of medium" and "high end of medium/low end of high".

But everyone who needs a massive amount of support to get their needs met is high support needs. As a personal example, just because I can walk a half mile with multiple rests on a good day, doesn't mean it won't leave me bedridden for days and potentially send me into anaphylaxis (with blood pressure changes and hives but usually airway isn't threatened, so it's not immediately life threatening but could progress to that point suddenly and without warning at any time). It doesn't mean doing it even once won't permanently reduce my ability to walk any distance and my average energy levels and so on. Yay MCAS/POTS/ME! /sarcastic

Someone who can't walk half a mile is also high support needs. Those can both be true. It doesn't diminish their level of support needs. I'd even say they're still higher support needs than me, because high support needs isn't one single point on the spectrum.

These points, on the other hand:

Like yes!!! I also can't transition without help, between needing to be prompted to take to my hormones and struggling to apply them and not having access to a better form of them, not being able to do ANY of the legal shit myself and honestly losing my ability to do paperwork in general over time... and yeah, the abuse, the ableism of blaming disabled people with higher support needs, having community, listening... yes! Exactly this!

Except for one thing.

"I want others to... leave the words I have to describe my existence alone."

No. Other people have the right to those words too. Other people whose existence is accurately described by those words in a way different than yours have just as much a claim to them as you do. You have no right to say "because these words are mine, they are mine alone". You do not get to unilaterally decide that the only "correct" way of using a word or label is your way of using it, because the people using it differently also get to decide that their usage is correct.

If you want to be listened to, it's hypocritical not to listen. You deserve to be listened to regardless, but I take issue with the hypocrisy itself. You don't want people to assume from what they do perceive of your disabilities that you have it easier, yet you assume others have it easier without knowing the full picture. You want other people to listen to you about your experiences, but refuse to listen to theirs.

I assume that you also don't want people to demand you use the exact right perfect language to describe your experiences and that you don't want them to accuse you of ableism if you don't, and yet if someone else genuinely identifies at the same support need level as you for different reasons, they're "taking language from you" (a phrase I see used often) and "not leaving 'your' language alone", despite language neither being a finite nor a privately owned resource.

This last one is an assumption and so may be inaccurate to OP, but is speaking to wider experiences of mine with disabled communities.

In the same way that LSN and some MSN people perpetuate ableism against some MSN and HSN people by acting like our needs are all met and blaming us for their need not being met, so too do some MSN and HSN people perpetuate ableism against other people with medium and high support needs by downplaying and invalidating our struggles, insisting we're more capable and abled than we really are, and denying us the language to accurately describe our own experiences, which is exactly what ableist systems such as our medical system currently already do.

High support needs spaces don't allow room for any struggle other than "impossible". They don't allow for "possible but at a cost significantly worse than not doing it". They don't allow for "can only when the planets align and a chicken dyed blue is within 3 square miles of you". They don't allow for "can do this one single difficult thing but utterly can't do literally anything else". It's "the highest most extreme possible level of support needs is high and everything else is medium or low".

That's been my experience at least. It's alienating and quite frankly, has been traumatizing. I'm too high support needs for medium support needs spaces and too low support needs for high support needs spaces, despite BEING high support needs. I also am not high support needs because of any particular disability, but the rather because of the combination of all of them. That's often further alienating as it's expected to categorize each disability depending on its individual support need level a lot of the time. I can't just go "my autism is low and my POTs is high" or "my chronic pain is low but my trauma is high" because they literally all affect each other to a high degree.

I also want my needs met, to be able to choose where I live, to have community, to have choice in my care, and also don't get those things. When I talked about perpetuating ableism, it's the assumption that I have all those things because I can make phone calls a couple times a month (something I really need someone else to do for me) that I'm talking about.

It's the same damn thing LSN people do to higher support needs people - assuming our needs are met based on YOUR perception of our disabilities and how they affect our daily lives and the way we're treated. Hell, it's assuming that we're able to get all our needs met on the basis of getting some of them met.

I have multiple friends who work who are slowly becoming more and more disabled because they NEED to not work and who may end up living with abusers, homeless, or dead as working and not getting their needs met causes their disabilities to progress. They are minimally medium support needs, and some are high support needs. For many of them, work is the ONLY thing they can do, and everything from medical appointments to household chores to making food is literally completely impossible while they're still working.

I have other friends who can't work at all, who can manage small levels of household tasks and self care but still need significant help with everything from feeding and cleaning themselves to budgeting to engaging with their hobbies. They're mostly high support needs.

Support needs are just so nuanced that flattening it into "low medium high" and then further flattening those into "people not disabled by their disability (low), people who can't do anything ever (high), and everyone else (medium)" is just... well.

Why can't people leave the language people use to describe their own personal support needs alone, indeed,? Using language for your own experiences that are very slightly different is apparently "not leaving it alone", but saying "you can't use this language, it's not yours, I'm taking it and locking it up" is leaving it alone? Or maybe it's just okay for the "right" people not to leave it alone and to take it from other people, but not for the "wrong" people, as decided by the right people".

Your exclusionism is totally different bro this time it's good like you promised. /sarcastic

Nah, this is literally like every other case of prescriptivist exclusionism. Lesbian and transmasc/transfem and intersex medicalists (those who exclude variations accepted by the community that are rejected by doctors) and anti-endos/sysmeds and cripplepunk exclusionists and "neurodivergent doesn't include these neurological divergences" and etc etc etc ad nauseum.

Anyway. Sorry for the red text by the way, it's the only color that isn't giving me a headache and fucking with my vision right now. If anyone can do image transcriptions/plain text I'll happily reblog that, because I know the colored text and undescribed images are inaccessible, and I'm sorry.

Adding: we're not here to argue about this, honestly, and we're certainly not here for bad faith assholes to tell us how actually we're evil and ableist for disagreeing with them on a disability thing as a disabled person or on support needs language as someone with high support needs.

We also refuse to engage with anyone who says "actually your support needs are lower than what you're calling them because only high support needs people get to define high support needs and you're not in my definition so you don't get to define them" because that's both prescriptivist and circular logic/a logical fallacy.

We will just block you, so do us a favor and block us first.

[faffreux]

Why Fawful?

I've actually got a (brief) answer written out for the FAQ on my upcoming website so I'm actually going to copypaste that here! Hope it helps!! --

"This is a HARD question to answer for me because there's no quick way to do it. I couldn't possibly list all the reasons here because that would likely require an entire essay. That being said, I'll try to sum it up for you:

Fawful makes me feel understood. He's weird in a way that's comfortably familiar to me. We understand one another's strangeness which has led to him having been one of the people in my life that make me feel less alone in all of this, especially as an autistic person. I see him and it's as if I'm meeting a kindred spirit, regardless of the fact that he's nothing but fiction to most people. In many ways he embodies a lot of traits I admire and have always want to have myself. As an example, for most of my life I had trouble expressing anger, even when the situation completely justified it. I would often back out of situations where I should've stood up for myself and instead allowed myself to be stepped on. To put it bluntly: I was a pushover.

I once had a dream where Fawful spoke to me about the concept of "righteous fury" (aka justified anger) It's the sort we all need in order to stand up for ourselves and help motivate us to do the right thing both for ourselves as well as for those around us. I'm able to utilize that in reality now much more than I used to, as if something was finally unlocked in a way I cannot even begin to explain. Being able to allow myself to just be mad and show it for once in my life has been cathartic and feels like finally being able to release all of the energy from when I was wronged in the past so I can finally move forward into the future and let it all go. I even made my first pieces of vent art as a result of this - (one in 2021, a couple more in 2022!) This is of note because previously I was NEVER able to project anger or other 'negative' emotions I needed to release into art.

THEN THERE'S THE CONFIDENCE! And the fact that he didn't always have it! We get to witness his journey from Superstar Saga to Bowser's Inside Story as a source of incredible growth for his character. Fawful literally goes from STUTTERING with anxiety when thrust into the spotlight ("St-standing in the spotlight at such a gala of spectacularity... My nerves are nervous!") to later performing on a stage all his own with complete confidence! ("Excited crowd! You feel it? Fawful is also feeling it!") That is INSPIRING to me. Having struggled with both generalized anxiety as well as panic disorder for most of my life, there's a part of me that felt if Fawful could grow through his anxiety in that way, there's no reason why I couldn't either. I've already conquered so much of my own fear in the last 3 years alone so I KNOW it's happening and he's been a big part of it!

There's also the fact that he came into my life at time when I needed him most which in turn deepened the attachment I already felt. My love for his character goes back to when I was a kid so in many ways he feels like a bridge between my past and present. He's also just fun, y'all... Everything about him is fun and colorful: from his almost-permanent smile to the kingdom he comes from being a place represented by laughter, a place I'd love to have been born in too. ALSO... HIS SENSE OF FASHION... DON'T GET ME STARTED BECAUSE I COULD RAMBLE FOR EONS ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN'S SENSE OF STYLE!!

We could also talk about how he's literally the reason I'm making art at all these days. I don't know how you wouldn't get attached to something that is the sole reason you are able to do creative work again after 8 years of feeling like it wasn't even worth the effort. (This is a story for another day, though. Just know that Fawful himself is what brought back my artistic drive! He's the reason I'm still an artist today!)

Also okay, I would be doing myself (and him) a disservice if I didn't bring up the fact that I find him incredibly sexy does indeed play a part in all of this. I've always been drawn to the unconventional, and Fawful is simply the definition of physical perfection to my brain. I don't expect nor need anyone to agree with me here, and frankly I've recieved quite the list of 'interesting' responses over the years in regards to the fact that I find him the hottest thing on God's green earth but nothing anyone says is about to change my mind about this, I assure you. ;)

Lastly, there's the subject of my dreams: Fawful's been a regular visitor to them now since 2021. These dreams are of note for being chronological in the sense that they play out as if I'm visiting with a dear friend I've met many times before. With each new visit Fawful and I recall every dream we've already experienced and are even able to discuss the things we've seen months or even years prior. I've had experiences in my sleep that are hard to put into words and translating them into some of my more expressive or abstract art is sometimes the best I can do when I don't feel like I can do them justice otherwise. Just know that they've been incredibly life changing for me and sum up everything I've said here and more. Fawful is incredibly real to me in ways that are difficult to explain to the average person and I accept that that's just how it is and that not everyone will understand. I care about him as both a character as well as an individual whom I've grown to love deeply despite his flaws.

And wow, if you've actually managed to read all of this - thank you!!"

[lostininterest]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS #638227

Moon in a more "hard" transit with Neptune (like a square) makes you want to stop everything your doing and complain like a 2 years old. Very unproductive.

Mercury in the 8th house will want to sit down and fix relationship problems with you, talk things out. The quickest possible, they don't like to wait, they want to fix it RIGHT NOW.

Virgo and Aries in a chart will work their ass off, but will give themselves a break if it's to much. Out of self-respect.

IDK if that's just for me but when I have a lot of mars transit my creativity spikes. so much. I cannot stop drawing.

Mars in the 8th has the biggest sex drive. If there’s some gemini in the mix, they love the ~explore~.

Where your mars is is where you find your energy. Ex: mars in 11th find their energy when they are around friends

Uranus in the 9th house like to do stuff they usually wouldn't do when they are travelling.

Having a lot of personal planet in the 5th or 11th house makes you very care free. Not much overthinking, you guys look like super heroes to me.

If you accuse a Gemini moon of something, they will argue with you until you revalue your accusation. Just like aries tho, they are often wrong.

I strongly suggest you look at your PHOLUS placement as it deals with all the life changing ah-ah moment you'll have.

Cancer and Leo placement are dramatic, but so gifted in any types of art you could imagine. One of my cousins is 11 and he thought himself piano in like a month and now he plays a bunch of songs WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.

Mercury Virgo have a stiff way of talking when they're mad, fast and kind of robotic. They also don’t talk unless they have something pertinent to say. I live with 3 virgo mercury and if I don’t talk at the dinner table it’s mostly silent. Their favourite subject is: work problems and how to fix them.

Mercury in cancer are very inclusive of everyone, don't like when someone is left out. They’ll come get you and make sure you are okay if you seem down, make yourself small or straight up leave.

Taurus midheaven dislikes changing career too often, they'd rather focus their energy in one place. Libra midheaven are usually very well-liked in their work environment. Scorpio Midheaven are very respected in find themselves in positions of power (they may even be admired a lot).

Libra rising/cancer midheaven makes excellent boss and are often put in charge. Especially in fields that have to do with human interactions.

North node in cancer come to accept feelings as they come and not keep everything bottled up inside because anyway it doesn’t matter lololol(south node in Capricorn). I’m reading the book Astrology for the soul and I would recommend it to anyone. I read it outloud and it feels like I’m talking to my past lives.

*When there's a theme in your chart that repeats itself, THATS SO IMPORTANT, you should pay lots of attention to that said theme.*

Mercury opposite uranus can make someone pretty aloof and in their own head so they tend to miss out stuff. My sister is always like “Nobody told me” when we told her 5382 times and she just wasn’t paying attention.

Moon in the 3rd likes to get reactions out of people. They also tend to change their habits regularly. Learning and studying may calm them down. They have a hard time seeing to limit between too little and too much.

Libra parents can be very hard on their children as to what they look like to people outside their family.

Jupiter in the 9th house just know good things a are coming. They don’t worry excessively about the future because they know that eventually things will fall into place.

Saturn in the 9th house are so skeptical. They don’t like the idea of having the wrong beliefs. Especially if it’s not scientifically proven.

You never fully know/understand 12th house people, they are not readable at all. I’ve tried, but I always feel like there’s more.

North node in taurus come on earth during this reincarnation to learn to let go of their power, to be more passive and less obsessive.

Capricorn likes when a task is done, they don't care how it's done (like Virgo's do). So if you are insecure and you work for someone with capricorn placement do not worry too much, you just need to get the job done, they literally don’t mind your emotional termoils and performance anxiety.

Saturn placement is a great place to look at if you want to see what kind of job you'd be good at, since saturn is where you take on responsibilities. ex: saturn 3h=communication

Cancer moons soooo selfless to their people. I LOVE them so much.

Pisces moon are incredibly understanding and non-judgemental and I admire them for that.

Geminis are adaptable but they still very much like when things go the way they planned. They tend to worry otherwise, that mercurian energy. I guess it depends on the level of importance they put on a certain event.

This was so long, I had to shorten it. These are very basic observations, but they still have some worth so here I am sharing them. Hope you like this and please leave a comment to tell me what you think. I’m✨insecure✨

[mimzy-writing-online]

How do you handle casual ableism especially ableism that’s said to be “a joke”? I am blind and I get this all the time and it’s so annoying because I can’t win.

If it’s said by someone I know I probably won’t talk to much, if ever again, I just grin and bear it. If I’m invested in this friendship or know I’ll be working with them a lot, then I’ll say something. But I do have some personal pet-peeves.

“Oh, so you’re blind, but not like, blind-blind.” 

Whenever I explain to someone new that I’m visually impaired and what I see, I sometimes get the “oh, so you’re blind, but not like, blind-blind.” and I just... *internal screaming*

I hate it because it reinforces this hierarchy of “who has it worst in the world” that abled society has. It’s like saying, “oh, you’re blind, but at least you don’t have cancer.” That is insensitive to both people who are blind, people who have cancer, and people who have both. 

Everyone is going through their own stuff, and sometimes it feels debilitating and sometimes it feels normal. Undermining someone’s experiences by saying/implying someone has it worse is terrible and even worse is using that idea to say “oh, then you don’t need this accommodation that badly, you’re not disabled-disabled.”

I am blind. Just blind. I have a condition that highly affects my life and just because there are a few settings where I can pass for sighted, does not mean that I am not blind.

And those people feed my internalized ableism and imposter syndrome so that I begin to think “I’m not that blind, people have so much less sight than me” and begin to feel like I don’t deserve any of my accommodations, even my cane when my worst days hit. My cane, that thing I bought myself that affects no one apart from warning them I can’t see them, but means everything to me.

What I would like to say: “I am blind. What I’m describing might sound like no big deal to you, but it affects my life every day and I will never, under any circumstances, see as much as a sighted person. Please stop comparing my disability to other disabilities.”

“Can you use your cane as a weapon?”

It was funny the first 3-4 times I heard it, but strangers say it to me constantly and it’s just like... “oh, them Lakers” or “How’s the weather up there” or some other cliché joke that has been told to death. And these strangers don’t realize how unoriginal it is because they probably never interact with other blind people, but I hear it all the fricken time.

I’ve explained to friends that I don’t like this joke. And I have an example of it in A Witch’s Memory, specifically Ulric’s second chapter. But like, I cannot control what strangers think is funny.

What I would like to say: “I cannot. Canes are much more fragile than you think, and each one has cost me $50 each. And I’ve had... six? Over the years. And they take weeks to ship to me. I would be terrified of my cane getting damaged.”

“I bet you’re looking forward to robot eyes.”

No. I’m not. I’m really not. Leave my eyes the fuck alone.

This was waaaaaay before I was diagnosed with Visual Snow Syndrome, which is a neurological problem, not an eye problem, even if the symptoms that affect me most are visual.

And as for the ableism, there’s soooo so much in that statement:

“Oh, I bet you’re looking forward to getting cured”

“I think being blind is terrible, I would want robot eyes immediately”

And if I said that I didn’t want robot eyes ever, I’d almost always get:

“I bet it wouldn’t be that bad, you’d be a cyborg. How cool is that?”

I said no the first time. Respect that answer. It’s my body, my eyes. I’m so tired of this debate.

The only form of this conversation I will ever accept is from my best friend who admitted that he personally would jump at the chance for cybernetic enhancements, especially something that reduced chronic pain. There are some more personal issues I won’t disclose, but from his perspective I understood and we came to the acceptance that we had very different stances and that was okay so long as we respected each other’s choices.

What I would like to say: “I have considered this and personally decided that under no circumstances would I ever want this kind of surgery done to me. Please respect that choice and don’t joke about experimental surgeries with me.”

“Just consider me your personal human guide dog.”

Only one person has ever said this to me, but he’s said it several times while acting as my sighted guide and I hate it, not because there is any ableism directed at me, but because he’s calling himself less than human and I wish he treated himself better. He deserves better. My solution is just saying nice things to him every chance I get about how much I care about him and how he is good.

“Fuck you! I love you! Don’t you dare call yourself a dog. You’re amazing and I love you.”

“Well you’re able-bodied.”

Said to me by another person with a disability, specifically a chronic illness, while complaining about why I couldn’t do something for him.

It was my father.

and I just...

I have literally never not been disabled in some capacity.

I remember my ADHD affected me from the early age of six years old and how much that affected my self esteem. I started having chronic health problems (mostly due to anxiety) as soon as I entered my teenage years. The worst was when I was 19. And then I went blind.

I am in no way able-bodied. Do not throw this hierarchy of who’s more disabled at me. I physically cannot handle the task you asked me to do without physical pain following me for the rest of the day. It’s either going to have to get done by someone else, or I’m going to need help. Why do I need to be in pain all day for this?

You’re young, therefore you are able-bodied.

You means nothing in terms of disability! Lots of people are disabled, visibly and invisibly. And if your kid needs disability aids to perform normal tasks like walking safely outside, you shouldn’t be calling them able bodied.

What I would like to say: “I am not able bodied. I am far from it. What you’re asking me to do will either risk serious injury to me or will cause me serious, lasting pain. Please respect my physical limitations.”

“And on your right you and hear, smell, taste, touch the ocean.”

It was a joke by a close friend when we were on a road trip. Also, we were in a car on the freeway, literally, none of those things would be possible from that distance because all I would hear and smell would be car fumes. 

Like, okay, I know I can’t enjoy the scenic view the way sighted people can, but I am enjoying this drive in my own way. Even the visuals I can see are nice(ish). It’s stimulation, something different for my brain. I’m having fun listening to the music and your story while we move and there are shapes and faded colors passing us.

I’m experiencing this amazing road trip.

Maybe it’s not the way you would experience or best enjoy it, but I am having fun, don’t spoil it by reminding me that I’m different from you and that my experience “must be less enjoyable.”

I told him: “I don’t like those jokes. They aren’t funny to me. I don’t need to see it to enjoy it.” And he stopped. He never made another one after that drive.

(He’s also one of those people who has serious anxiety around making someone uncomfortable, and me telling him “hey I don’t like this, can we do this instead” actually helps us both, because I’m no longer uncomfortable and he can trust that I would immediately tell him if he ever did something I didn’t like. If I’m not speaking up, then I am good. And I can trust that he will stop as soon as I tell him to, and that I can always speak up if I need to.)

[psalloacappella]

SSM21 Day 2. Festival

Pairing:  SasuSaku  Prompt: Festival  Title:  sparks will fly, they ignite our bones Tags:  AU - Modern Setting; First Dates; Wooing Lips burning against his, mouthing soft words in the detonation din.

(In which Sakura has the better aim.)

Ao3 | twt | full series link | @ssskmonth

“It’sa real date this time.” Each word’s punctuated by Naruto’s fist punching his opposite palm, driving home the importance of this. This being:  Street stall smells rich and piquant, a smoky-savory blend; lights flickering in kaleidoscopic, neurotic brilliance; children wild as free foals escaping their parents, weaving in and out of adults’ legs clutching cheap prizes and sparklers —

and him, Sasuke, on an actual fucking date with a woman with cotton-candy-colored locks who has been besting him every game and measure of skill imaginable, and his dumb plus-one buffer, the best friend, now droning on about how he needs to win her something.

“Anything!” Naruto throws his arms up, dramatic and exasperated, the only gearsetting he seems to have. “Teddy bear, ugly fish, keychain — literally any shitty prize to show her yer not a complete waste of time.”

“Sasuke!” Both men snap to, pretending to have been watching the whole time as Sakura jumps up and down, pumping a fist in the air. “I won again!”

With shiny, wide eyes, she places both her palms out in giddy anticipation to receive a stuffed bear donning a baseball cap of the local (terrible) team from a surly booth operator with a permanent frown.

“She’s comin’ this way!”

“I can see that,” Sasuke hisses. “You useless idiot.”

“Did I hear ‘charming wingman?’ ‘Kay, I’m gonna find some food. Give you two some time—”

“Don’t say it—”

“Alone.” Some strange tone aiming for sensual manifests as choking pigeon, and Naruto skips away as Sakura bounds up to Sasuke, smiling so wide he can see every perfect tooth.

“Did you see?” So proud of herself, arms laden with prizes. Some she’s already given away to cute children passing by, perhaps the sole supplier of noisemakers and soft bears. For a doctor in pediatrics, the urge to make smiles comes second nature. “Where’s he going?”

“Food, or something,” Sasuke murmurs, trying not to look as constipated and irritated as he had ten minutes prior — another gem from Naruto’s unasked-for criticism. “He’s left us alone.”

“Finally.” Definitely slipped out by accident, and Sakura grumbles over her mistake, red prickling her cheeks and chest. “Not that I dislike him, of course—”

“I do,” Sasuke says, absolutely deadpan. It takes her a moment.

“Uchiha Sasuke, did you just make your first joke?”

Ears burning in the cool night air, it’s his turn to smother his embarrassment. In lieu of further slip ups, he awkwardly gathers the items in her arms, a mishmash of unidentified thingamajigs and whatnots that you only find in curio shops or carnivals, and gallantly takes on their burden.

“Walk with me?”

So sure his voicebox just sustained a hairline crack; he hates himself for being nervous.

Eyes, hers, brighter than all the psychedelic frenzy swirling around them both, caught up in the haze; she has the uncanny ability to fade the rest to black, toss the entirety of the world’s existence aside.

Seeking to link her arm with his amid the mess of wares won, she succeeds and presses closer.

“I thought I’d die waiting,” she whispers into his sleeve. “I’ve been wanting you to notice me properly all night.”

Meandering, conjoined, down the main road; carved out for the celebration, buffeted by snack scents and other couples, groups of friends, and plenty of pairs pretending they’re still just and only that. Along the way she unloads her many winnings, surreptitious, in part kindly trying to relieve his burden but also calculating the space in her single occupancy apartment.

She watches people and lights, and he watches her.

Sakura’s gaze snags on a particular booth, more specifically a particular prize. Of the stuffed variety.

“Did . . .  something catch your eye?” he asks. Immediately thinks he sounds like an idiot. You know how to woo ‘em, and why does his inner voice sound like Naruto’s on this date, goddamn it —

Burying her cheek into his shoulder, she giggles and it threads beautiful, stringed tension in his throat and spine, symphonic, testing its own flex to see if she can orchestrate the rest of him. He wishes he could spin her around, lift her high in some filmesque climax, kiss her in the closing credits.

“Don’t laugh,” she says, “but I love slugs. Adore them, really. Gross, I know!” She raises her free hand and points directly at a giant stuffed slug on a high shelf behind the booth’s counter. “And honestly, I’d likely keep it in my office; the kids would love it.”

Sasuke knows, from what she’s disclosed, that these are sick kids, too. This ancient, gendered mating ritual is unavoidable and he’ll have to rise to the challenge. He must provide. Stupid, because she outstrips his earnings and likely will the rest of their life.

Says it like a throwaway, like no big deal:  “I’ll have to win it for you, then.”

The game? Aim. Darts. Doable if he’s sober and with equally (un)talented friends; ranging from Shino the sharpshooter to drunk and stumbling Suigetsu, he’s decidedly somewhere in the middle, but it should be enough raw talent to beat a festival game.

Sakura’s eyes are on him, excited. She dances a little from foot to foot, ready to cheer him on.

Dropping the rest of the prizes on the ground and shoving a fistful of coins at the booth operator, he smirks. Born ready, all those forced childhood sports camps and instrument lessons finessing his hand-eye coordination finally stepping up to the plate.

Imagine failing miserably three rounds in a row, the last one bouncing off the dartboard so violently it narrowly misses the sleepy booth operator. Sasuke grinds his teeth, jaw tight, wishing it’d met its mark.

To Sakura’s credit, she’s completely unperturbed. Almost makes it worse.

She pecks him on the cheek, scoring him through hot and fevered where her lips touch.

“Performance anxiety,” she quips, but her smile isn’t unkind. “Let me give it a try.”

Each dart that lands in the board does so with gusto, embeds itself deep into the sisal cork. As each one hits, Sasuke reflects they might as well be piercing him. The most painful blow is watching her indicate the bluebacked slug, winning it outright without his help, and squeezing it half to death in her arms.

They’re walking again, sans the rest of her prizes — left them for the booth operator, and whatever kids wander his way wanting toys with which to annoy their parents.

“You’ve been so quiet,” she says, shifting her slug under one arm and linking up with him again.  Sasuke shrugs against her. “I’m not sure what’s next with us.”

 He stops, figures it’s better to rip that bandaid off now, give her an out so he can save some face. Of course they’ve stopped on some coquettishly romantic bridge, arched over the still summer pond, a popular viewing spot for the night’s end fireworks.

She watches him expectantly, searching him with her sharp green eyes.

“What do you mean?” Her question is slow, puzzled.

What he means to say is something gentile. Instead he says, “You’re great at darts.”

She seems to sway, a physical manifestation of being caught off guard. Laughs. “Surprised me too! But you gave my arms a rest, so they were ready to win.” Curls her arm to indicate muscle, grinning.

Steps closer, melting through an unseen veil of personal space. Cherry scent; smoke.

“Could be all the shots you administer.”

“I guess we can call jabbing kids with needles a calling.” Mirroring him, she steps in too, and there’s not so much space between them anymore. “Good practice. You could come around sometime, see my work.”

Another tiny shuffle.

It’s time to break this. Sasuke inhales deeply, letting it out in measured beats. “Sakura—”

“If you’re mad you couldn’t win this for me,” she interrupts, “you’re being silly. I don’t care about that, you know.”

He tilts his head, and in spite of himself his hand wanders, brushing a stray strand of pink out of her face. “Hm?”

“I don’t,” she repeats, and sets her slug down on the wooden bridge. Breathes deeply before saying in a low, threaded voice, “What I care about is all the waiting.”

Sasuke feels it all fall into place. Oh. Oh.

“So come on, Sasuke.”

And before she’s even finished saying his name he’s kissing her, the last vibrations of his name caught on their lips, locked, and though the timing is perfect and picturesque, film archetype material as the fireworks charge the air around them, each one set off drawing ripple designs in the water beneath them, this thrill is unmatched, the way she wraps her arm around his neck to taste him deeper, the way he lifts her up to rest him on his hips and there’s nothing, has never been anything, quite like this.

Real fireworks pale in comparison.

Lips burning against his, mouthing soft words in the detonation din.

“The perfect end,” she whispers, “to a festival.”

[lovingmyselfcore]

Skate Into My Heart

Chapter Three; Uh oh

BESTIES

I'M ALIVE AND I DID THE WRITING THING

@ciaraloves (or @perseusjackson-jasongrace ig) LOOK AT ME DOING THE THING

As soon as Nico left the locker room, Piper pounced on him. Literally.

He was forced to take a step back and caught her by the shoulders, “What’s up?”

She was practically vibrating with excitement, “Annabeth’s back!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Come on!” She grabbed his hand and yanked him through the hallways and into the main rink where a crowd of people had formed next to the bleachers.

It was the rest of the team and in the center was Annabeth, a duffle bag slung over one shoulder, looking exhausted as all hell but she was grinning as the team peppered her with questions and play-by-plays of the practices she’d missed.

Piper shouldered them into the center so Nico was directly in front of Annabeth, Piper on one side and Calypso on the other.

“Hey, Nico,” Annabeth said, still grinning. She stepped forward for a hug and he let her, burying his face into her neck and breathing, already feeling the responsibility leaking from his tight shoulders. Annabeth was like a big sister to him, not that he’d ever admit that, but still.

“You want to get out?” Nico whispered into her neck.

“Yes,” She whispered back emphatically. Nico could barely stop himself from laughing but as they pulled apart he saw the genuine relief in her eyes and felt himself worrying. He needed to talk to her, about the team and skating, about Will and of course, if she needed to talk about why she’d been gone for so long, he’d do that too.

Apparently, Calypso recognized that too and, bless her heart, muttered something to Leo, and together they captured the team’s attention, allowing Nico to tug Annabeth away from the crowd and out of the rink. She sighed as soon as they were ejected onto the city streets. Nico stuck an arm out and she smiled and linked their arms.

“Where are you headed?” Nico asked as they walked the short distance to the car garage.

“Oh, probably just my apartment.”

Nico nodded, “I wasn’t sure if you’d be staying with your dad or not.”

She shook her head, “He doesn’t even know I landed yet. I’ll head over in the morning.”

Her voice was stiff and Nico took that as his cue to change the subject. “So I have something to confide in you.”

She perked up almost immediately and he swallowed hard. But she just looked at him with those gray eyes and he reminded himself that this was Annabeth. That she wasn’t going to get angry with him.

At least, he hoped not.

“I’m talking to one of the hockey players,” He said casually.

Her grip on his arm stiffened and he braced himself but she was still just looking at him.

Finally, she grinned, “So when you say ‘talking to’...”

He groaned and felt himself flush, “Oh, shut up! Just friends.”

She hummed and released his arm to dig for her keys in her jacket pocket. “Is he nice?”

“No, he’s a dick,” Nico said sarcastically.

Annabeth rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling. “I don’t know why I even bother.”

“He’s blonde,” Nico offered.

“Oooh,” Annabeth drawled.

He rolled his eyes and she burst out laughing, her voice echoing off the stone walls of the parking garage.

“Is he gay?” Annabeth asked.

Nico nearly flinched and passed it off with another eye roll, “I don’t know, Annie, that’s not something that’s come up in casual conversation.”

She glared at him and Nico, being the mature adult he is, stuck his tongue out at her. She did it back then shook her head. “Too much time with Percy,” She muttered and Nico snorted. She grinned at him.

“So he’s okay?”

That sobered her immediately. “Yeah. Well, as okay as he can be. I’m only here for like two weeks because he insisted I come back, but I’m leaving as soon as possible,” She glanced sideways at him, “Not to leave you alone again, though.”

He shrugged off the flash of selfish hurt he’d felt, “I’m good, Beth.” But he wasn’t good. He’d just told her about Will, and not even the start of the way his stomach would twist when he saw a new text from the hockey player and not the same twist when he panicked. And that also meant his chances of performing solo again were climbing. He didn’t know how to feel about that part.

“Stop that!” She exclaimed, halting once they’d reached her car.

“Get some sleep, Annabeth,” He said genuinely then smirked a little, “It looks like you need it.”

She threw a balled-up receipt she’d found in her bag at him, “Dick!”

~~~~

“Hey, Nico.”

Nico nearly leaped out of his skin, spinning to see Persephone in the living room.

She snorted, “Didn’t mean to scare you, sorry. Did practice go well?”

His phone buzzed in his pocket, “Yeah. Annabeth’s back.”

Persephone hummed, reaching up to untwist her hair, sending it cascading down her shoulders, “That’s good. I know you’ve missed her,” She said with a knowing look in her eyes that made him shift uncomfortably.

“Yeah, definitely, um, I’m tired we learned some new moves for Regionals today, so,”

“Yeah of course.” She was still smiling.

“‘Night Persephone,”

~~~

Nico flopped face-down onto his bed with a groan. He knew Persephone though he had a crush on Annabeth; he didn’t blame her, he’d never really made it a point that he didn’t. He wished he could come out to her and his dad, he didn’t really have a reason why he hadn’t besides the weight of anxiety on his lungs.

His phone buzzed again, and he wriggled upright to yank it out of his pocket.

Will: Distract me

Will: My mom is driving me insane

Nico grinned to himself, both of them were dealing with mommy issues at the moment.

Nico: idk how you expect me to distract you

Will: Just tell me about snakes or smth

Nico: you think i just have fun facts about snakes on hand?

Will: Yeah?

Nico: good

Nico: cause i do

Will: :)

Nico: snakes can slither 12.5 mph

Will: Good lord

Nico: snakes have internal ears but not external ones

Will: ??

Nico: they can’t create their own body heat which is why theyre in the sun all the time

Will: Hmmmm

Nico: they smell w/their tongues

Will: I thought they had nostrils??

Nico: they do

Will: what

Nico: it’s their Jacobson’s organ my dude it works in mysterious ways

Nico: not really but yk

Nico: sCieNcE

Will: ok….

Nico: if you get bored of snakes i’ve also got a bunch of random cheetah facts

Nico: i love cheetahs

Nico: very cool

Nico: fast cats

Will: Lmao go ahead

Nico: but first

Nico: why’s your mom driving you insane

Nico: if you want to tell me ofc

Nico: not trying to be weird

Will: Nah you’re fine

Will: She wants me to focus entirely on med school and not hockey

Will: She’s trying to get me out of it, actually

Will: Do something ‘respectable’

Will: Not turn out like my dad

Will: Even though dad has literally NOTHING to do with hockey

Will: And in my opinion he’s not bad. Not great. Not awful yk

Will: But hockey’s what’s putting me through med school so

Will: Gods, I really just burdened you with that I’m so sorry

Nico: med school huh

Nico: now i can say i know a doctor

Will: In training

Nico: close enough

Nico: you’re a great hockey player and you're going to be a great doctor

Nico: and you can always talk to me, will

Nico: you’re not burdening me with shit

Will: thanks <3

Nico didn’t understand why he blushed. It was a goddamn emoji. Calm down, Di Angelo.

Will: So we’ve been talking for a few weeks now. Can I call you my friend yet?

Nico snorted, feeling like he was fifteen again, sprawled on his bed, in the dark (because for some reason he didn’t turn his lights on) late at night, texting his- well, anyway.

Nico: yea dumbass

Nico: we’re friends

Will: Nice

Will: Now give me cheetah facts you adorable nerd

~~~

WILL

“Will? You good?”

Will blinked, Jason coming in to focus in front of him. “Uh, yeah.”

“That was believable,” Clarisse said sarcastically from behind Jason.

Will attempted to shake the fog from his head, “Yes,” He repeated.

Jason just blinked at him and Will was formulating an excuse for why he was so tired besides the fact that he’d spent all night talking to a cute figure skater with a ridiculous amount of animal facts stored in his small body when Coach Hedge’s voice boomed from his seat on the bleachers, “Solace! You alive?”

“Yes, coach!” Will shot back.

“Then why are you just standing there? Get back to the game! You too, La Rue and Grace!”

“Yes, sir!” They all barked back.

Clarisse gave him a once over before skating back to her goal and Jason went over to Will’s spot with him, “You sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

Jason opened his mouth, probably to question why the mom friend of their group was tired enough he nearly tripped over his stick but Will just said, “It’s fine, Jase. It’s not a big deal.”

“Grace!” Coach Hedge screeched.

Jason gave up on trying to interrogate Will and skated back over to his spot.

~~~~

“Mama, please,” Will tried, but his mother cut him off.

“Willaim. Hush. How’s that girl you said you were dating?”

What?

He was silent for a beat too long.

“Oh, baby,” His mother’s thick southern accent drenched her words. “You broke up? I’m so sorry.”

Oh gods, Lou Ellen Blackstone.

Will and Lou Ellen had dated for two months a long time ago, and when they were still dating he’d told his mother about her to get her to back off of his personal life a little. Their break up hadn’t had a huge fallout, Lou Ellen had told him through tears in his living room that she was aromantic. They were still friends, had been even before they dated, actually, and talked to each other pretty regularly.

But the problem was, that had been three months ago, and he hadn’t told his mother about their breakup. He knew she’d ask why, and he didn’t want to out Lou Ellen or make her a devil in his mother’s eyes. So he’d procrastinated coming up with a reason until he’d forgotten about it entirely.

And now it had come back to bite him in the ass.

“Yeah we broke up a little while ago,” He forced himself to sound choked up, which wasn’t hard, giving the way his panicked brain was now sprinting in circles on his lungs. “I just didn’t disappoint you.” Probably the most honest thing he’d said in weeks, but that’ll be unpacked later.

“Honey,” She sighed sadly and Will didn’t know whether or not that was on his behalf or hers.

“Well, it’s okay, because I’m dating someone new.”

“Oh?” He could hear her spine straighten. “Is it someone I know?”

No, mom, it’s not one of the country girls I grew up with.

“No,” He winced at how southern he sounded. He’d been talking to his mother for five minutes. “You don’t know him.”

HIM. Good Gods, Will. Yeah, you came out as bi to your mom, but still, you haven’t actually mentioned a guy to her yet.

She was silent for so long his heart joined his brain in the track meet happening on top of his lungs. “What’s his name?”

He was so she’d spoken that he blurted, “Nico.”

What. The. Fuck. Willaim.

Apparently, his heart had won that damn track race.

“Well, what I was leading up to before you told me about what happened,”

Will hummed non-committally, trying not to sound like he was taking relieved breaths as she spoke.

“The family’s come for a reunion and you should bring that boy!” Will choked on his spit.

“Mom, I don’t know about-”

“No, William. There isn’t a set date yet so we can work around your schedule,” Fuck. “I insist, Will. I need to meet this boy you clearly like very much, even though all you’ve said is his name, a mother knows.”

Umm, what.

“Sure,” Will said, sounding a little strangled. “But we have a game this weekend.”

“Alright, William.” She sounded the way she always did when he brought up hockey. “But as I said, we can work around your schedule and his. Talk to him about it, and let me know.”

“Yeah. Yeah,” Will repeated. “I’ll do that.”

She hung up and he was left staring at the wilting daisies at his kitchen table.

What had he just done?

[angelmichelangelo]

i’m about five years too late and nobody asked for this except me and i need to just get this out of my brain because it’s 2am so here’s a list of things i wish happened on glee that didn’t HERE WE GO:

- new directions being actual teenagers. just them hanging out. going to group sleepovers. giant study sessions (because school exists in this universe?) like remember in tpp when they were eating lunch together ? that’s what i wanted MORE of. just them being actual friends. a sleepover episode is all i wanted imagine all the abba songs we could have gained from that episode

- a halloween themed episode. the closest to this that we got was the ‘thriller/heads will roll’ mashup which YES was iconic but im greedy and it’s not enough. my idea for a halloween episode is that the gang gets trapped inside the school after staying behind to idk rehearse? or something? and then things get progressively worse as they start to go a little mad, thinking the school is haunted and they split up into pairs trying to find an escape and they think they’re seeing ghosts/someone lurking around the school and they’re getting real spooked but it turns out it’s just sue fucking with them lmao

- kurt and finn being brothers. THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE and sadly after furt we are left with crumbs. why ?? WHY?? little moments like finn saying that he’s driving back home with kurt or them saying they can’t do something because they have a family thing would have been good enough. more scenes of them hanging out in their home with their parents would have been *chefs kiss* but alas. it never happened because glee writers are bastards

- based off my last point: sam actually living at the hudson-hummel house because he actually did live there? but nothing is ever said like what’s the dynamic there why weren’t kurt and sam and finn close if they all lived together for what? like a year? was sam living in the mf shed? did he ever get close to carole and burt?? where tf did he live when everyone went off to college did he just stay in their house lol who knows not me LMAO

- blaine dealing with his trauma ? mental health was never dealt with very well on this show. emma’s ocd was just ignored after she got married or whatever and blaine mentioned his trauma once and then it was ignored until it was mentioned in passing a few seasons later and even he just brushed it off and it was never brought up again like wtf. i have no idea how they wrote a whole episode about hate crime in bash and they never once thought to have blaine and kurt have a single conversation together, let alone a conversation about how they’d both been victims of a hate crime. AND THE ONLY TIME BLAINE DOES MENTION IT IS IN TESTED WHERE ITS JUST USED AS A REASON FOR THEM TO FIGHT AAAAAAAA no wait im calm it’s okay. i just would have liked to have seen kurt and blaine have an emotional moment together in that episode that didn’t include blaine singing and kurt being knocked tf out. just sayin.

- kurt dealing with HIS trauma !! again, glee gets bad points for talking about mental health and it just is crazy that they had so much potential with kurt, ie: depression, anxiety, ocd (kinda?) his bullying, being literally assaulted (i see u ryan murphy taking that whole plot line so loosely mmhm) and then shoehorning in the fact that he was suicidal AT THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE when they had a whole episode about suicide and they could have mentioned it at any time but ofc they didn’t because the writers just wanted to shove in as much as they could in the flashback episode AYE AYE AYE the potential!!!! oof.

- literally just more tina. jenna ushkowitz is a fantastic actor/singer/preformer and she was criminally underused. i like the episode props because of two reasons: one. everyone switching characters was amazing. and two. some actual tina scenes. even if she.. technically was rachel but also herself or something? either way. i digress

- this is just in general but MORE ABBA AND ALSO THE CARPENTERS and also some sound of music songs would have worked GREAT but they already had like a million songs and as the show progressed they veered away from old songs and more towards popular songs at the time to help chart numbers blah blah blah whatever it’s cool. but also how did they only do a few abba songs that is criminal

- a more fleshed out ending that wasn’t so rushed. like rachel won a tony and everyone else is just? there? why is sam at mr shue’s house ??? how did artie get up the stairs? did quinn graduate from yale? and where tf was kurt and blaine’s child during ‘i lived’ because burt and carole are vibing in the audience and rachel isn’t pregnant so like? is the baby just?? alone somewhere in the wings?! lmao where are u bby girl!! but once again i know they didn’t have the time to do it so idk it’s fine what they did it just sucks we didn’t get more! but again. fanfic exists so yah im all good

- more of blaine’s mum. or mom, in this case i guess. why cast gina gershon and then give her ONE line like ? ik there was a whole deleted script that explained why she was there but i love that up until that point blaine seemed like he genuinely murdered his parents, lived in their big house all alone and when people got suspicious he just told them that they were “out of town” :) either way pam is great i love her and i wish she had more to do in the one episode she was ever in. not even a moment with blaine?? wasted.

- more of cooper anderson, matt boomer is so fucking funny everytime i think of the emotion tornado i bust a lung laughing like it’s so fucking stupid but oh my good i love it. (and if you haven’t watched the special feature of cooper’s transformers audition tape please please watch it because it’s just so funny.) ik he was just a special guest but i wish they got him back for at least the wedding ep but guess my mans was just busy. boo ;(

- going back a couple of points, i wish they’d done a whole episode like props. every actor here just shines when they’re impersonating each other. finn and puck as kurt and blaine is beautiful and quinn and sugar is incredible. also idk why they refused kevin the right to wear the cheerios skirt; they could have put a little more effort into some characters but that’s glee for ya lmao but yeah. a whole episode like that would have been so much fun

- they should have let chris colfer write more episodes. purely for the fact that he wrote with his own bare hands the whole scene where lea michelle’s character gets dragged down a road by dogs. this guy. it’s a shame he only got to write one since he actually did a really good job! i would have loved to have seen what other episode ideas he had :)

- glee in the summer! obviously it only was centred around the school year but after season 3 who honestly gave a shit about the glee club and mckinley lmao i wanna see them in SHORT SHORTS and POOL PARTIES but nope we just got september - june so like rip all my hopes and dreams

- WHAT HAPPENED TO DALTON? bitch just burst into flames ?? and for WHAT?? oh yeah plot convenience smh this is so sad i wish they’d either written something better than “we need the warblers to team up with new directions so uhhh the school burnt down” like. it’s a private school. if the school is gone and they’re just staying at mckinley what are the parents paying for? they’re just cool with sending their kids off to public school now? every adult in this universe has been murdered by these kids, haven’t they? they’re just doing whatever they want jfc

- a wedding was a good episode. ish. and yknow, huge kudos to them because gay marriage wasn’t legal in the us at the time so im less harsh on the fact that they definitely threw up the rainbow flags and made it less about the characters getting married and more so “we have gay characters and look they’re getting married what a concept” but i do wish we could have gotten some more married!klaine since they don’t really have much to do after this understandably but a little moment alone together after the wedding would have been nice :) IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IM TELLING YOU

- get rid of the hummelberry friendship and send mercedes to new york instead. i have nothing else to add to this other than the fact that i mourn the fact that kurt and mercedes went from bffs to just. school mates. this is tragic this is traaaaagic !! and all for more of the rachel berry show smh

- every day i wonder what was going through carmen tibideaux mind when she watched the kurt hummel preform not the boy next door and was like :) and then watched rachel berry have a breakdown on stage and then proceeded to give rachel the spot at nyada and kurt gets payed literal dust. and THEN she had the nerve to tell him it was because his performance had no heart. AND HOW DID ADAM GET IN THIS BABY GOT BACK MOTHERFUCKER?! nyada is a circus school oh my god !!!!! kurt deserved better im telling yall he deserved so much better

there’s so much more i could rant about but im going insane im so tired and i need psychological help after watching glee so im gonna leave it here and say peace out homies it’s been fun but i need to sleep so bad

[heavencollins]

Top 10 Films of 2020: Part One

2020 was a rough year for a lot of reasons, but even more rough due to the lack of an existent film industry for over half of the year.  Sure, there are small productions happening and movies being released on VOD, as well as some in theatres, but so many great films were pushed back this year—movies I was excited to possibly have on my top ten.  Minari, Promising Young Woman, Zola, The Green Knight, Saint Maud.  Okay most of those are A24 releases but A24 literally released next to none of their slate for this year and it’s one of the most disappointing things to happen in the entertainment industry in my opinion.  

Alas, I still found cinema through streaming, paying $20 for a VOD rental, and those amazing $1.80 rentals from Redbox (remember when they were only a dollar?  because I do).  And honestly?  It was probably the hardest time curating a top ten that I’ve had in a long time; with so much just available through the internet and owning every single popular streaming service, it was both impossible to watch everything I wanted but also since I watched a lot of what i wanted, I ended up loving most of it.  For a year that was so dismal in every other way possible, the films that were released ended up being a shining light more often than not.  Of course, like every other year, a lot of hot garbage came out too, but that isn’t the focus of this—the great, amazing, can’t believe these are real films.  

So let’s start from number ten.  This was my first and only $20 rental this year, starring a man who I personally admire: Pete Davidson.  

10. The King Of Staten Island, directed by Judd Apatow and written by Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson, and Dave Sirus.  

Judd Apatow is one of the first directors who I watched religiously, and hearing that he was doing a film with Pete Davidson that was essentially based on Davidson’s life meant that I knew I’d have to watch it.  Scott, played by Davidson, is a twenty-something with no direct path in life; he lives with his mother, his sister is going off to college—something he never attempted—and he has no real career.  His father died in a large building structure fire, much like Davidson’s actual father, a firefighter who passed away while responding to the twin towers during 9/11.  Scott is emotionally a wreck, plagued with depression and anxiety, a chronic weed smoker, and dreams of being a tattoo artist that he practices by tattooing his group of rag-tag friends, but none of the tattoos are very great.  

The thing about an Apatow film is they border the line between comedy and drama very well, kind of a complicated little dance.  But, King of Staten Island is very much a drama more than a comedy.  Bill Burr plays Ray, the father of a kid that Scott tattoos earlier on in the film.  Ray comes stomping up to Scott’s mother’s house, and Margie, played by Marissa Tomei, opens the door.  It’s essentially love at first sight.  She hasn’t dated since Scott’s father passed, and to make matters worse, Ray is also a firefighter.  This complicates emotions for Scott, as he loves his mother but also doesn’t know how to deal with the feeling that his mother is finally moving on and may face heartbreak again.  

Davidson puts it all on the table in this film.  It’s poignant and realistic; at the start, Scott is driving down the highway and closes his eyes, way longer than you should.  It sets the tone from the start that this man isn’t okay, but also he’s scared of dying because as soon as he opens his eyes again and sees he may be about to crash, he quickly panics and readjusts his wheel.  This struck a chord with me as most people know that Davidson has struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past.  It’s a beautiful film that memorializes both how much Davidson’s father meant to him, but also the cycles of grief and trauma that last throughout your life.  

9: Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn), directed by Cathy Yan and written by Christina Hodson.

Suicide Squad is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen period, fact.  Birds of Prey is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen period, fact.  I never, ever, ever thought I’d see a day where a DC movie was in my top ten, but this year anything is possible.  Birds of Prey is a display of feminism, badassery, and all around perfection.  You jump right into the story, hearing Margot Robbie’s classic Harley Quinn voice laid over an animation showing what we missed in her life so far, which means you don’t have to have any previous knowledge of the other films.  Birds of Prey is meant to stand alone from any other movie preceding this one, and that’s just part of why it’s so great.

This film knows not to take itself too seriously.  Margot Robbie is a dream as Harley Quinn, using just the right amount of playfulness to put a little edge on her, while also maintaining the manic-panic-pixie-dream-girl effect.  Perhaps the best scene is when Harley goes and purchases the perfect egg breakfast sandwich, and then she drops it, causing a dramatic slow motion effect that proves she really does love that sandwich more than anything in the world.  Or her realistic apartment, nothing truly fancy, just a little hole in the wall above a rundown Chinese restaurant.  But then she has an amazing ensemble of other women actors around her, which are what really uplift her performance. 

The funhouse fight scene at the end may be the best in superhero movie history.  I mean, I guess, is Harley Quinn really a superhero?  She’s kind of the anti-hero, which is what makes her so great.  She’s somebody who isn’t even close to perfect but she still succeeds and tries to help and uplift the other women on her team.  There’s just something special about this movie that made me smile and laugh the entire time.  It’s a reminder that it’s okay to have fun every once in a while.  

8: The Assistant, directed and written by Kitty Green.

For those who don’t know, I work as an assistant during the day for a small business here in Vermont.  The work is mundane but it’s a job that’s giving me experience for the future.  In The Assistant, Jane, played by Julia Garner, is an assistant to a “powerful entertainment mogul.”  She gets lunch, answers phones, is the first one into the office, the last one out of the office, finds herself overshadowed by her male counterparts and getting the majority of the “grunt” work, and becomes more and more aware of what’s really going on at this office throughout a day in her life.  

What’s interesting about this film is nothing is ever seen; everything Jane starts to feel is just based on intuition.  Her boss is tricky, finding ways to keep his abuse of women out of the public eye, out of the eye of any female employees.  This is obviously in response to #MeToo, Times Up, and the Harvey Weinstein news from the last few years, and it works surprisingly well as a film that just unnerves you and gets under your skin.  

The reality of assault in the film industry is that until it’s widely public and known, nobody is going to know about it.  You can report it to your company, to other women, to other men, to anybody, and nobody will take you seriously until they either experience it themselves or know somebody else who has.  The Assistant hits the ball out of the park with the ending, even if it doesn’t give a vindictive satisfaction to viewers, because it’s simply the truth of the matter.  

7: Tenet, directed and written by Christopher Nolan.

I really don’t know what to say about this one.  It’s really controversial to like it but I absolutely LOVED this movie, it’s pure fucking vibes.  A lot of people are cinema purists, which I am not, and will never claim to be, which was a huge deal with this film.  Personally, this works way better at home than it ever would in a theater.  It’s slightly long, the sound mixing makes it so it can be hard to hear dialogue over loud noises and the score, and it’s the type of movie you may have to rewind  a few times.  

My partner and I watched this in 4K Ultra HD with subtitles on, and let me tell you, it was amazing.  Everything about the acting, the diversity in the film, the fact that Nolan literally has a character say “Don’t try to understand it, just experience it”???? VIBES.  That’s all I can say about it.  Plus, Elizabeth Debicki plays an actual badass who stands against her abuser and that enough is five stars.  A tall queen standing up against her short joker—absolute feminism.  

Sure, no character gets any development, but is that seriously necessary for every film?  It’s an action flick about time and space and none of it makes sense and you can’t force it to.  Why does everything need to make sense in a time where we are literally living through a pandemic?  Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the experience of Tenet.  It’s more fun when you don’t take it seriously.  

6: The Devil All The Time, directed by Antonio Campos and written by Antonio Campos, Donald Ray Pollock, and Paulo Campos.

I never read the book this was based on, but this film made me want to.  I love a film where multiple plot lines converge into one central story and this one did it so well, all with the same theme surrounding every single character: the guilt of sin and how no matter how much you think you can save yourself, you can’t truly save yourself.  I’m not a huge fan of Tom Holland, but he shines as Arvin from beginning to end.  Pattinson brings a creepy southern preacher to life with an accent that he will never be able to match again.  Keough gives a performance you can only sympathize with as you know she’s being manipulated the entire time.  Every character in this is corrupt in their own way but some in worse ways than others.

I don’t know how much to say about this one without spoiling it, either, because the core of this film is on the characters and what leads to their untimely ends, because pretty much everybody ends up dead.  It’s grim and dark but it’s so beautiful and tells the story in a way that keeps you interested throughout the entire run time.  It surprised me but there’s never truly been a Robert Pattinson starring movie that I’ve hated, so am I really surprised?  I’m a TwiHard at heart even at age 22. 

[teacupfulofstarshine]

living in the real world (ain’t it fun) CHAPTER 6

cw: anxiety attack, driving while tired (DO NOT DO THAT), brief panic, swearing

word count: 2619

chapter 1 // chapter 2 // chapter 3 // chapter 4 // chapter 5 // read it on ao3!! 

“The first experiment we are running today is to determine exactly how far away from Thomas we can get before hitting an invisible wall or suffering adverse effects,” Logan says. Thomas, Roman, and Patton nod at him. Logan pulls up one of his blue mental screens and pokes at it. “Thomas, if you look in my backpack, you should find a tape measure which I brought from your home.” 

“I didn’t even know I owned a tape measure.”

“You own three,” Logan recites. “Two of them are sewing tape measures and the third, which I have brought for our purposes today, is a conventional construction tape measure.” Thomas pulls the clunky black base from the backpack at his feet and hums. 

“How did you know I owned this if I didn’t know I owned this?” 

“Just because you are not consciously aware of something does not mean that it is not known to you,” Logan says. “I am home to a great repository of information that has fallen below your conscious level of awareness. Name three differences between an animal cell and a plant cell.”

Thomas stares at him. “Uh . . .”

Logan sighs. “Plant cells are surrounded by both a cell membrane and cell wall, whereas animal cells only possess a cell membrane. Animal cells are generally round, irregular shapes, whereas plant cells are rigid and rectangular. Plant cells, in addition to mitochondria -”

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell,” Thomas and Roman recite, in perfect unison. Logan sighs, again, and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Plant cells also possess chloroplasts, which animal cells do not.” 

“Whoa,” Thomas says. “I really know all that?” 

“Falsehood. You knew it once and then forgot it. As the keeper of your memory archives, I retain this information and can call upon it at will, although I confess that I am . . . better in some situations than others.”

“Is that why I can never remember the answer in time for trivia games?” 

Logan blushes, and the screen in front of him glitches out with some sort of indecipherable error code. “I - well - that is to say - um -”

He adjusts his glasses. “ANYWAY! The experiment?” 

Thomas stifles his laughter. “Right, right, of course. My apologies, Logan. What do you want us to do?” 

Logan adjusts his tie, looking thoroughly disgruntled. “You are going to stand in one place and hold the base of the tape measure. The rest of us will take turns holding the end of the tape measure and walking as far as we can until we hit whatever invisible force is binding us to you. I will record the data, and then we will experiment.” 

Thomas nods. “Sounds reasonable.”

“I am your logic. Everything I say sounds reasonable.”

“Who goes first?” 

“Me!” Patton says, freckles beginning to shine yellow. “I wanna go first!” 

“The order does not matter in this experiment, so I will permit it if Roman is not opposed.”

“Go for it, Padre.” 

Patton eagerly grabs the end of the tape measure and bounces in place while Logan readies his screen. “Wouldn’t a pencil and paper work just as well?” Thomas asks. 

“For the purposes of recording data, yes. However, information that I enter into my screens is then encoded into your brain as short-term memories. When you sleep at night - which reminds me that we need to have a discussion about your frankly abysmal sleeping habits - I can enter the pertinent short-term memories and information from the day into your long-term memory.” 

“Oh.” 

“Patton, you may begin.” 

Patton gives a cheery wave and turns around, beginning to walk. Logan stops him at five feet. “Any changes?” 

“Nope! All good in the neighborhood!” 

Patton walks another five feet, and Logan stops him. “Anything?” 

“Nope!” Logan looks at Thomas. 

“What about you?” 

Thomas rubs his sternum. “There’s something . . . weird, in here. It’s kinda painful, but more so just . . . tight, you know?”

“Are you okay to keep going?” 

“I should be.” 

Logan calls to Patton, who walks another five feet. The tugging in Thomas’s chest is beginning to get more intense, burning slightly, and he can feel anxiety beginning to mount in the back of his mind. “Are you okay to keep going?” Logan asks again, voice gentler. “It is okay if you want to stop, Thomas.” 

“I think I’m okay.” Thomas smiles, but it feels thin and strained. Judging by Logan’s expression, it looks that way, too. Still, he signals Patton to keep going. 

Once he hits twenty feet, Thomas drops to one knee, clutching his chest. The tightburningtightburning tightburningwrongwrongWRONG feeling in his chest is starting to escalate. “Uh, Lo? I hit the weird invisible wall again,” Patton calls. 

“I feel not great,” Thomas says. He drops the tape measure and jerks a hand up in a strange, twisting gripping motion. Patton yelps as he suddenly sinks down, dropping through the earth. Panic spikes through Thomas so intensely that his vision almost whites out, but Patton quickly pops up in front of him. 

“Kiddo?” 

Patton drops to his knees and pulls Thomas into a tight hug. The feeling in his chest evaporates all at once, and Thomas inhales deeply as he shoves his face into Patton’s shoulder. “Hey, hey, breathe, okay?” The purple light of Patton’s freckles bleeds through Thomas’s eyelids as Patton rubs firm, soothing circles into his chest. “I’m here, Thomas. I’m right here. I didn’t go anywhere.” 

“What - what was that?” Thomas gasps. His voice sounds strangled and strange, even to him. 

Logan frowns, kneeling next to Thomas and Patton. “It . . . seems to have been a panic response. Patton is an integral part of who you are. The three of us are literally fragments of your soul. When you realized that Patton was distancing himself from you, you panicked. You needed him beside you right at that moment, and you were able to call him to you.” 

“Do you think I could do that with any of you? At any range?” 

Logan hums, looking at Patton. “I do not know. We could test it, if you are up to that, but I will not force you. Your health and safety is most important here.” He gently puts a hand on Thomas’s shoulder and squeezes it. Carefully, Thomas leans back from where he’s clinging to Patton. 

“Can . . . can you give me a minute?” 

Logan nods. “Of course. Do you want Roman or I to test the distance limits while Patton is with you to keep you grounded?” Thomas looks at Roman, who’s been setting up the picnic blanket a few feet away. 

“Roman, do you wanna go and test it now?” Thomas asks. Roman nods, drawing his sword. Panic spikes through Thomas’s chest, but Patton hugs him a little closer, and it ebbs away. 

“Fear not, Thomas! I will return unharmed!” 

“Just take the tape measure, Roman,” Logan sighs. 

*~*~*~*~*

Roman and Logan both make it twenty feet away before they hit the same invisible wall as Patton. Thomas doesn’t feel the sick, twisting, cramping, heart-rending fear that he had when Patton walked away from him, perhaps because Patton is right next to him. Thomas is no longer curled in his lap like a child, but he does hold Patton’s hand. 

“Twenty feet for both of us, as well,” Logan says, swiping across one of his schema. “It seems that is the hard limit for our distance from you.” 

“What’s next?” Thomas asks. 

“That gesture you did to . . . summon Patton to your side. Do you think you could replicate it?” 

Thomas lifts his hand in the same gesture, but nothing happens. “Huh.” 

“What were you thinking when you summoned Patton?” 

“I was . . . anxious. I was thinking about how much I needed him at my side immediately, about how much I needed him with me before something really, really bad happened. I wanted him next to me.” 

Logan hums. “I am going to walk approximately ten feet away from you. Once I am in position, I want you to make that summoning gesture and think about me appearing by your side. Do you think that you can handle that?” Thomas nods “Okay. I am going to walk away.” 

Thomas keeps his eyes locked on Logan’s form as he walks, turning and nodding at Thomas once he’s in position. Thomas inhales, jerking his hand up, thinking about how he wants Logan next to him. Logan drops through the ground like a ghost and pops up next to Thomas, looking slightly ruffled. “That was . . . an experience.” 

“Did it hurt you?” Patton fusses, reaching over to pat at Logan’s torso and arms. Logan shakes his head. 

“The sensation of sinking and rising was . . . strange, but I am uninjured.” Thomas smiles at him. 

“That’s good.” 

“Yes, well. Alright, Roman? It is your turn.” 

*~*~*~*~*

They perform a wide variety of tests before breaking for lunch. Thomas eagerly digs into one of Patton’s sandwiches. “This is perfect!” 

Patton grins, face shining yellow with joy. “I’m so glad, kiddo! And I made cookies for dessert!” 

“No processed sugars until after you’ve eaten a healthy lunch,” Logan says disapprovingly. Patton grins at him and wiggles a sandwich at him. “Wh - is that -”

“A jam sandwich!” Patton says. “With that Crofter’s stuff that you love so much. I know you can’t resist this, Lo!” 

“I have a name,” Logan says testily. He still takes the sandwich, tearing into it and making a soft, pleased humming noise and smiling broadly as he settles cross-legged on the picnic blanket. Patton hands Roman another jam sandwich, and he makes a joyful noise. 

Patton tries to eat a cookie, but Logan glares at him until he smiles guiltily and picks up a sandwich instead. “Can’t slip anything past you, can I?” 

“No, you cannot,” Logan says. His chest puffs up a little in pride as he takes another bite of his sandwich. Thomas smiles, softly, and takes another bite of his own sandwich. 

*~*~*~*~*

They learn many things during the course of the day and its experiments. Logan dutifully distills them into a numbered list.

1: Twenty feet is the maximum distance any of them can get from Thomas before hitting an invisible wall. They cannot go any farther than that. 

2: If a side is twenty feet away from Thomas and they both walk at the same time, they can move as long as both of them move in unison in the same direction. 

3: Thomas can summon any of his sides with a hand gesture as long as he is thinking about calling that side to him. If he isn’t thinking about calling them to him, the gesture is ineffective. 

4: The sides can refuse a summons if they try hard enough, but they all admit to feeling a painful tugging burn in their chest that gets stronger and more painful the longer they resist. 

5: Because Thomas is the source of Logan, Roman, and Patton (Logan names him “the Host”), he can directly control their actions if he gives them a direct command. 

(“Is that why you and Roman stopped talking when I yelled at you to shut up when you were fighting?” 

“Yes, I believe so.” 

“I’m so sorry, Logan, Roman. I - I didn’t mean to control you like that -”

“It’s alright, Thomathy! We know you didn’t mean to!” 

“It is not your fault, Thomas. You did not know. But now we do know, and we can work on this together.”) 

6: The sides do not know anything that Thomas doesn’t. They are, however, repositories of any knowledge he has accrued over the course of his life. Specifically: 

Logan can access knowledge and facts 

Roman can access ideas and daydreams 

Patton can access memories and emotional catalysts 

“That’s a lot,” Thomas says. Logan flips the schema around to show Thomas, but it just appears to be random shapes and squiggles. “I . . . can’t read that.”

“Of course you can’t,” Logan says. “This is a representation of your subconscious thought processes. You cannot comprehend it with your conscious mind.” 

“But you can understand it?” 

“I cannot ‘read’ it in the traditional sense that you would read a book, but I can understand it. I can connect it to the information that you have learned. Would you like me to send it to you for processing?” 

“Processing?"

“Patton and I are in charge of recalling your memories and knowledge, but your subconscious processes it. That is not us. I will give you this schema, and then it will integrate into your subconscious to be processed at a later date.” 

Thomas nods. “Okay, Logan. Do what you need to do.” 

Logan places a hand on either side of his schema and compresses it, inhaling slowly as he does so. The schema condenses and collapses into a little ball of dark blue light in Logan’s hands. Thomas doesn’t know when Logan closed his eyes, but when he opens them again they are solid blue and glowing. He steps forward, holding the schema tightly, and presses it against Thomas’s forehead. 

Thomas expects it to hurt, but in truth it doesn’t feel like anything at all. The schema dissolves into his forehead, and Logan shudders as it phases out of his hands. “Transfer initiated,” he says, voice flat and monotone. 

“Uh . . . Logan?” 

“He gets like this sometimes,” Patton says. “Give him a couple minutes. He doesn’t directly control the processing of information and memories, but he has to wait for the schema to phase out of his grip and into the subconscious. He’ll be alright.” 

Almost five minutes later, Logan stirs for the first time. “Transfer complete.” He blinks, and his eyes become normal again. He drops to his knees in the grass, and Thomas surges forward to catch him. 

“Whoa, Logan. You okay?” 

“Yes,” Logan murmurs, pressing a hand to his forehead. “I . . . have never done that in this manner before. It was draining, but . . . I will be alright.” 

Thomas carefully lays Logan down on his back on the picnic blanket. “Take a breather, Logan. Just rest here, okay?” 

Logan looks up at the darkening sky and laughs. “Look, everyone. Look.” 

Thomas looks up, into the warm late-spring-early-summer night, and watches as the stars begin to appear. “They’re beautiful.” He blinks, rubs his eyes, and frowns. “This . . . those aren’t stars, are they?” 

“Fireflies,” Logan says, sitting up slowly. One of them flutters down and lands on his nose, and Logan blinks, going cross-eyed to look at it. “Oh!” 

Patton laughs, face shining yellow, and the fireflies flock to him. “They must think I’m one of them! They’re really lightning bug-ging out, aren’t they?” Roman sprints around the field, catching fireflies in his hands and bringing them back to Thomas. 

It’s a pretty wonderful time. For the first time since the sides manifested, Thomas doesn’t feel the persistent anxiety digging its claws into his chest. 

*~*~*~*~*

Thomas knows he shouldn’t be driving. 

Patton, Roman, and Logan are slumped together in the back of the car. Patton is fighting to stay awake, but he’s not really succeeding; Roman is snoring against the window, and Logan is leaning into Patton’s shoulder, breathing evenly. Thomas is barely awake himself, but he wants to go home. 

The road is dark and winding, and all of the trees blur together as Thomas drives. He blinks once, twice, three times, lifts a hand off the wheel to rub his eyes. He hears Patton mumbling to himself as he starts to drift off, and Thomas grips the wheel tightly. 

“Stay awake,” he yawns. His head starts to lean forward, hands sliding off the wheel. His chin hits his chest, but before he can fall asleep properly, someone shrieks in his ear. 

“THOMAS SANDERS, WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR EYES BACK ON THE FUCKING ROAD!” 

[love-geeky-fangirl]

Ranking every Teen Drama I have ever watched

(Updated)

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

+ young Shailene Woodley and Molly Ringwald I guess

- everything else. Even Shailene Woodley's and Molly Ringwald's performances weren't that great because the writing is just oh so bad. The background music is bland and repetative and it sounds like out of some teenager's YouTube chanel. The plotlines are ridiculous and convoluted, which isn't neccessarily such a bad thing, because it is a teen drama show after all, the problem is the show seems to take itself too seriously. Other entries on this list also have ridiculously convoluted plotlines, but I'm ranking them highed because they don't take themselves too seriously and don't claim to be realistic like this show does. Seriously, from the title it suggests like this was going to be a real, uncensored look into high school but it's the furthest thing from it. Not to mention how problematic it is- God forbid someone suggests that a 14-year-old pregnant girl gets an abortion or gives the baby up for adoption without being seen as a terrible and despicable person.

Otp: Marc Molina x a job somewhere far, far away from these kids

Notps: every single pairing on this show

Best moment: literally none

Weirdest moment: "I'm such a whore!" "Well, you're my whore." What were the writers thinking??? Was this supposed to be romantic??

We Children From Zoo Station

+the aesthetic, the casting of Christiane, Detlef and Axel

-this was such a letdown. Honestly I was so hyped for it after seeing the trailer since I've read the book and didn't particularly like the movie- I feel like it's hard to fit all of Christiane's story into 90 minutes. That's why I was so excited about this show. Christiane's story covers so much, so it's easier to make it into a TV show when you don't want to ommit anything and butcher the story. But they somehow managed to do it anyway. They changed so much for no reason and completely erased Christiane's childhood trauma, which was important in the book. Now, I know you can say that it's just a loose adaptation, so it doesn't have to follow the book word for word. But I feel like if you already decided to tell her- a real person's story- you should at least do it authentically. Imo they shouldn't have tried to make the setting vague. It worked with Sex Education because the story of Sex Education is timeless. However, Christiane's story is not timeless. It's a true story set in the 1970s. If they were making a new show from scratch, I would have liked it. But this is an already existing story and they’re supposed to be just retelling it. My last issue is a nit pick but I wish the actresses playing Stella and Babsi were reversed. It just would've fit better.

Otps: all those kids x sobriety

Notp: Christiane x Detlef

Best moment: Christiane's first time in Sound was pretty true to the book

Weirdest moment: when Detlef became a gigolo because he needed money for his dog. Who tf thought of that?

Pretty Little Liars

+ makeup, style, the theme song, the drama and mystery that always kept me guessing, the cliffhangers at the end of each episode that made it so addictive, Emily's coming out story, Hanna and Spencer had some good lines

- the mishandling of some serious issues (namely eating disorders), romantization of student-teacher relationship, the timeline not making much sense, these writers seem to put more thought into the characters' outfits than the storylines

Otps: Emily x Maya, Hanna x Caleb

Notp: Ezria

Best moment: Hanna and Caleb in the shower (the sexual tension was cuttable with a knife)

Weirdest moments: Aria asking Ezra out in the middle of a make-up test (it was supposed to be cute but it was just cringy), Spencer trying to block A's text messages on a laptop, in the middle of a park (what? Spencer, you were supposed to be the smart one!)

One Tree Hill

+ Brooke, the theme song, Chad Michael Murray

- the casual drinking and driving (I mean seriously these kids play a drinking game at a party and then casually hop into a car and drive home??), too much basketball and cheerleading (that's not a bad thing per se but I just don't really care about neither of these things), it just seems too stereotypical and kinda bland?? I couldn't really get into it

Otp: Naley

Notp: Peyton x Nathan

Best moment: Naley by the dock

Weirdest moment: "I guess I'm just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch." It's not really a bad moment but a cringy line. I guess the writers though they were being clever but it just sounded bad.

Dawson's Creek

+ the clothes, the 90s aesthetic, the 90s soundtrack, many movie references, Pacey is a sweetheart, Jen is a feminist icon, dealing with mental health issues through Andie (it's rare to see in shows as old as this)

- the slutshaming of Jen really hasn't aged well, the storyline of Pacey being statury raped by his much older teacher was mishandled (it was either treated as scandalous, cool or in Andie’s case somehow shameful), same goes for Jen’s backstory- it was mentioned she was raped at 12 by an older man and then never brought up again, Dawson is the most unlikable protagonist ever and his friendship/relationship with Joey is codependent and possessive, the dialogue is sometimes pretentious and unrealistic, the timeline doesn't really add up- I can never tell what time of the year it's supposed to be, because it looks like it's always fall for some reason. And how did they sophomore year have two homecomings?

Otps: Pacey x Andie, Pacey x Joey (yes, both at the same time)

Notp: Dawson x Joey

Best moments: Jen helping Joey when that jerk was spreading rumours about her and then Jen and Joey locking Abby in the closet together (I love it when they stick together instead of tearing each other down), Pacey and Joey bickering

Weirdest moments: when Joey was upset because Dawson didn’t want to tell her how often he “walks his dog”, when Jen was about to have a treesome at a party and Dawson walked into the room and carried her out despite her kicking and screaming

Glee

+ funny, Sue Sylvester's iconic, great covers and a way to find new songs, the performances are aesthetically pleasing, lgbtq+ representation, tackling of serious issues, coming out story, a father who’s accepting of his son’s sexuality right away despite not really understanding it (it’s so rare to see, that’s why it’s so refreshing), the plotlines are ridiculous but at least the show doesn't take itself too seriously

-as I already said the 1st season was great but after that it just seemed like the writers made up a checklist of hard issues they should tackle and tried to tackle every single one of them while covering every single song and it just fell flat. Prime example- Quinn ending up in a wheelchair getting into a car crash to warn us from drinking and driving, singing I’m Still Standing and then suddenly being able to walk normally after. a few episodes Rachel and Finn got almost all songs, while other characters were criminally underrated and underused (Tina, Quinn, Mercedes). The teachers are questionable to put it mildly. Cringy moments- Finn singing You're Having My Baby to Quinn in front of her parents when it wasn't even his baby! Also no one except of Kurt looks like they could be in high school. And why are these cheerleaders wearing their uniforms 24/7??

Otps: Brittana, Sam x Quinn, Tina x Artie (unpopular opinion, I know), Mr Schue x unemployment

Notp: Quinn x Finn

Best moments: Quinn giving birth to Bohemian Rhapsody

Weirdest moment: Rachel's gross and painfully awkward crush on Mr Schue, Mr Schue joining the Glee club on the stage for a performance of Toxic and girls in the audience cat calling him (Ewww)

Euphoria

+ Zendaya's and Jacob Elordi's performances, tackling of serious issues such as drug addiction and overdose, anxiety and depression, abusive relationships and abortion in a better manner than most (if not all) teen dramas, the aesthetics, makeup and wardrobe, the musical number in the finale, the special episodes giving us insight into the characters' psychology, toxic relationships not being romanticized (which is sadly rare), teenagers sounding like actual real life teens (no "I reject reality" crap)

- lack of comic relief (why so serious all the time), sexualization of teen characters (I know this is something many teen dramas are guilty of but it's the most evident here), too much nudity (I know some of you are going to come at me with: "But it's realistic!" So what? It is realitic that teenagers get naked when they go into shower but does it mean we have to see it?? It seems to me like this show is trying too hard to be "boundary pushing" at times and ends up being scandalous just for the sake of being scandalous), these characters just aren't believable as high school juniors to me (they sound like high schoolers but they certainly don’t act, look or dress that way). There's no reason this show couldn't have been set in college.

Otps: Rue x sobriety, Nate x prison

Notps: Nate x Maddy, Cassie x McKay

Best moments: "You did this to me!" and the musical number in the season 1 finale

Weirdest moment: the fact that Maddy lost her virginity at 14 to a 40-year-old man being mentioned so casually because apparently she was "totally in control". Excuse me what??

Skins

+ style and makeup- each character has a signature trademark (Sid and his beanie, Effy's eyeliner, Cassie's soft eyeshadow), their British accents, I'm pretty sure this is the only teen drama that follows multiple classes, teenage characters being played by actual teen actors, the characters looking like average people you meet in high school and not as if they just walked off the runway, dealing with serious issues such as drug abuse, eating disorder, parental abandonment etc (yes, some people claim the show romanticized it, but I disagree. It's not the show that romanticized it- it's the fans. The show tried to portray the dangers of drugs as well as possible. Think about it- every time characters used drugs it ended in a disaster. In the pilot they thought that Cassie overdosed and ended up crashing a car while rushing into the hospital. In later season Effy hit her friend in the head with a rock because she was having a bad trip. That's not romanticizing drugs.), Effy is iconic and honestly the first episode was enough to get me hooked

- every single teacher being a creep and having a thing for a student at some point, the show can get too dark and unncessarily dramatic at times. Did that many people have to die? Did Chris's death really have to be this graphic? Timeline doesn't really add up- are 8 episodes supposed to cover the whole year? It would've made more sense if there were more episodes in a season.

Otps: Chris x Jal, Emily x Naomi

Notps: Sid x Michelle

Best moment: ooh baby it's a wild world

Weirdest moment: Chris's graphic death

The OC

+ more grounded in reality than many others on this list, the theme song, the love stories, Seth and Summer are funny, the friendships are believable and the whole group has great chemistry

- too many unneccessary fights, Luke is the worst, everyone is way too casual about drunk driving, these parents are WAAAY too chill (I know this can be said about many teen dramas but it's the most obvious here. How did the Roberts and the Coopers let two 16-year-old girls go to Mexico alone?? With no supervision?? What?)

Otps: Seth x Summer, Ryan x Marissa

Notp: Luke x Marissa

Best moments: the “oh no, there’s only one bed” in the Mexico episode, Seth and Summer's first kiss and that kiss at the yacht, Ryan and Marissa's first date by the pool

Weirdest moment: these parents letting their teenage kids go to Mexico alone. It's irresponsible when they're 16 but apparently they let them go there and party every year. What?

Gossip Girl

+ every episode having a clever title, the style, the makeup, the 00s soundtrack, the glamour of it all (it feels like reading a very gossipy magazine!), all the scandals, this show never pretends to portray the realitic teenage experience so it can pretty much be as far-fetched as it wants to and you can’t question it, it gives you a chance to live the fantasy of being super rich, living with a penthouse, riding a limo to school and going to parties in New York City every night

- the final reveal doesn't make any sense, just like with PLL these writers seemed to have put more thought into the outfits and makeup than into the plotlines, romantization of a toxic relationship, having every two straight characters date or hook up at some point, which just felt forced, mishandling of serious issues (Blair's eating disorder, Eric's suicide attempt and Serena and Jenny's sexual assault from the pilot being brought up when it's convenient but not really dealt with and brushed off at other times), sexualization of teen characters

Otps: Dan x Blair, Serena x Nate

Notps: Chuck x Blair

Best moments: the Thanksgiving flashbacks, Blair and Serena running around New York and taking selfies in stolen dresses, Nate and Serena’s first time (although it was better in the books) and then their kiss at the white party, the sheer scandal of "I killed someone", Dan giving Blair a plastic tiara to make her feel like a princess

Weirdest moments: Chuck's father returning from the death and then dying again, by yeeting himself off the roof

Freaks and Geeks

+ probably the most realistic teen drama there is, the characters dress the way I can see actual teens dressing, funny, but also heatbreaking at times, probably the only teen show that included an intersex character, the characters being a little stereotypical but self-aware at least, young James Franco and Jason Segel

- the bullying being a bit too much at times and it's a bit unrealistic that the teachers would do literally nothing about it, too short- I will never understand why this got cancelled

Otps: Daniel x Kim, Lindsay x Nick, Amy x Ken

Notps: Sam x Cindy

Best moments: Sam breaking down at the end of Garage Door, Daniel and Kim getting back together in the rain

Weirdest moment: Cindy doing a 180 and becoming super mean when she started dating Sam.

Gilmore Girls

+ so many movie, literary and music references, the quotable lines (what a great way to learn about new movies, books and bands! It’s so unique for a TV show to make you smarter), the witty banter, the comfort of the first few seasons (it really feels like wrapping a warm blanket around yourself while holding a hot cup of coffee, I can’t explain why, but it’s such a comfort show), the quirky small town with many unique festivals, many entertaining and snappy fights where everyone has a point, characters dealing with real world problems (seriously, how often do you see a storyline about termites? Or a teenager with zit cream on a teen drama show?), this is also one of the few shows where teenagers are shown to have rules and restrictions and curfews (finally some kids growing up with strict parents representation) and doing homework and studying and not just partying and drinking and having sex all the time and that’s so refreshing

- but while it is refreshing to see teenagers waiting to have sex and not doing it behind every corner, the show is kind of sex negative. Every single time a (female) character loses her virginity it ends in a disaster. Even when she loses it after she’s married! It doesn’t make any sense, unless the writers just really hated women. Also slutshaming (”I got the good kid!”) ewww. The money and budget doesn’t make much sense on the show either and the girls seem immune to calories. I know some people might come at me for this with: “But it’s just a show!” but I think it’s harmful to show beautiful, thin women eat nothing but tons of junkfood all the time and never excersize and then fatshame people who do excersize but aren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with amazing Gilmore genes, and then throw around tactless references to eating disorders.

Otps: Lane x Dave, Jess x Rory

Notps: Lane x Zach, Rory x Dean, Lorelai x Christopher

Best moments: Then She Appeared, Rory’s valedictorian speech, Lorelai’s graduation

Weirdest moment: Lorelai and Christopher getting married in Paris at 4am. That’s not how it works in Europe. Do Americans think every single Europian country works like Las Vegas, where you can just get married whenever you decide??

[dungeons-bat]

Officially in (3rd Chap)

Warnings: None.

The complete fic

---------------------------------------------

‘Hey, five minutes and I’m at your door.’ - Today was the big day, I could get a role at Marvel freaking studios. ‘Hi Tom. I told you, there was no need to pick me up. You’re wasting your time!’ - He’s been asking me if I need a drive since yesterday, I said no, but ask if he listens. ‘And I told you that I would, that I’m not wasting my time, I’m just spending it with my favourite friend.’ - Favourite friend? ‘Thomas, has anyone ever told you how bad is it to lie?’ - I asked. ‘That’s why I’m not lying, hurry up, I’m at the gate.’ - He is friends with Benedict Cumberbatch and Chris Hemsworth, he is lying.

“Miss Grey, please follow me.” - A guy called me, I saw the tag on his shirt, apparently his name was Marcus. “Good luck Isa!” - I could hear Tom from behind. “So, in about ten minutes you’re going to hear the lady over there” - He pointed to a blond woman sited on a chair close to the door “call your name, you are going to go through the door and that's already the stage. You’re going to perform the scene I hope you have already memorized, the judges are going to say if they liked or not, nothing else. Do you have any questions?” - Wow, the guy was quick, “Thank you, no questions.” - Was all I could say, I was so nervous. “Good luck then.” - he said while leaving.

“Isabela Birch Grey” - I heard. Fuck, it’s my turn. I went through the door and said a ‘hi’ to the judges. “Hello miss Grey, how old are you” - One of them asked me. “Hello, I’m twenty-one.” - I answered. “Twenty one? Have you finished college?” - another one asked. “Yes, I have, law school, sir.” - I was getting ever more nervous. “And how did you hear about the casting?” - The third one asked. “A friend of mine told me about it, ma'am.” - I said. “Well, good luck.” - She said, and I started to act, or at least trying to. When I finished, they all looked bored. I was sure I did not get the role. “Miss Grey, if I must not lie, I liked your performance. We will keep in touch and tell you if you got in by the end of the week.” - The woman said. “Thank you, ma’am, gentleman.” - Almost shacking by anxiety, I left the stage.

“So, how was it?” - I heard someone ask behind me. I was not expecting someone to show up, so I jumped out of scare. “Thomas, oh my, you scared the shit out of me. It was bad. The woman said she liked it, but they all looked bored.” - I told him. “Always so negative. She would not say that she liked if she did not like. I heard that the results come by the end of the week, is that correct?” - he asked, “Yeah, she said so.” - I confirmed. “Do you want to go grab something to eat, I can drop you of at work.” - He invited me. “Tom, you’re almost my Uber. We can go, but I’m getting a cab after that.” - I said, putting an emphasis at “cab”. “I’m inviting you, I’m dropping you. You have to accept that, lady.”

It was nine in the morning, my cat was sleeping on top of me, so I had been there, laid down, for the past three hours, doing nothing, because prince Hades could not be awakened. But suddenly my phone rang, but the cat was still asleep. I looked at the screen, ‘Thomas’, why is he calling me today, I mean, it's Saturday, he probably has stuff to do. “Hey Tom, good morning.” - I said as I picked up. “Good morning, won't even ask if I woke you because you wake with the birds. I have great news.” - He said. “Well, tell me.” - I got curious. “It’s not official yet, they’ll call you tomorrow morning to tell you, please act surprised. But you got the role, congratulations, miss Morgan Stark.” - What? I got it? “No way? Seriously? Oh my! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” - Oh my, I’m going to act on a freaking Marvel film. “Thank me? You’re the brilliant actress, miss.” - He said. “But you were the perfect friend who got me the freaking audition.” - I said. I was so excited. “I’ll pretend I agree with that. Anyway, I was just calling because I wanted to share the big news. By the way, Sebastian is throwing a party at his house next week, want to be my plus one?” - A party? At ‘Sebastian’s’ house? “Sebastian as in Sebastian Stan?” - I mean, James freaking Buchanan Barnes? “Oh, yes, is there another?” - No, Thomas, there is not. “I’m sorry, still not used to your world.” -I said. “You better be, because in a month it will be yours too.” - Oh my, I have not thought about that. I mean, am I really ready for it? Of course, I have been thinking about it since Thomas told me about it at the restaurant. But now that it is real, I don’t know if I’m really ready for it. “Yeah, it will. Well, yes, sure, I’d love to be your plus one. I just have no idea of what to wear.” - I mean, what should I wear to Sebastian Stan’s party? “Well, I need to buy a tie, we could go buy you something too, what do you think?” - Hm, seeing Thomas in a suit, for a couple of minutes, or even hours. Yes, I’m up to the challenge. Also, I have no idea of what to wear, so his help would be amazing. “Yes, sure, I need your help anyway, when do you want to go?” - I asked. “Oh, are you free in any weekday?” - Hmm, let me check my schedule. “I’m only available on Tuesday after four. I’m only home by eleven on the other days.” - I said. “Well, it’s settled then. I’ll pick you up by five, is that OK?” - This guy is already my personal driver. “It is perfect.” - it’s not the best hours, but I have no other option. “Well, then, I guess I see you on Tuesday.”

The next day, I was having lunch with my friend, Gabriela, when my phone rang. “Good morning, who am I talking to?” - I asked. “Hello Miss Grey, I’m Mister Anders, I work at the Marvel Studios, and I’m calling to tell you the results of your auditions.” - The man in the line told me. “Well, hello Mister Anders, thank you for calling” - I said. “Is this a bad time?” - He asked. “Not at all, we can talk.” - Of course, I already knew the news, but I was supposed to pretend that I did not. “Well, we’re happy to tell you that you’re the newest Marvel actress. Congratulations, you got the role.” It was different to hear it from that guy. It was official now. “Oh my, I got the role! Thank you very much, Mister Anders, you have no idea of how happy I am!” - I started tearing. “Have a nice day, Miss Grey, congratulations.” - He said. “Well, thank you again for the news, have a nice day.” - I answered. Lord, I’m officially a Marvel actress. If someone told me that I was actually going to follow this career path some months ago, I would never believe it. Now me dream has literally become true. What meeting a famous actor can’t do to you? “Hey Gabi, I got the role! I’m Morgan Stark now!” - I told my friend. “No way! Oh my, congratulations, Isa.” - She said, hugging me. “Thanks. Now give me just a second because I need to call Tom.” - I said, grabbing my phone. “Hey Tom, are you able to talk?” - I asked when he picked the phone. “Yeah, what do you need, Isa?” - He asked. “I’ve just received a call from the studio. I’m in. I’m officially Morgan.” - I told him. “Congratulations, really. I knew you were the perfect fit. I was correct.” - He said.

[marculees]

Epilepsy Awareness Month💜

I recently seen this post by @interstellix  who made great points about epilepsy for Epilepsy Awareness Month. It sums it up really well so I suggest you give it a read and reblog! Its nice to find another photosensitive here too because we’re such a small group within the epilepsy community. I deal with anxiety on top of my epilepsy and while they aren’t always related to each other, I don’t hear enough about the day-to-day worries of epileptics. Things that seem completely normal or fine to some people can be dangerous for me, which is why stuff like giving trigger warnings are much appreciated. But often, non-epileptics don’t know about what its like to actually live with epilepsy - not just having seizures. I want to add on some of my own experiences with a funky clickbait title, below the cut. Anyone who reads this all is a star and ily⭐️

10 Things Non-Epileptics Don’t Get (Yet)

1. That moment in movies when the character wakes up and a bunch of faces are gawking down at the camera uncomfortably. Always have someone to stay with the person having a seizure. But out of care for both that person and the people around, its best to get everyone else away. No one enjoys watching someone have a seizure - it’s scary and knowing you can’t stop it can ignite feelings of guilt or panic. For the person having the seizure, its embarrassing - they aren’t even conscious of what’s happening and for all they can remember, they were minding their own business and now they’re waking up and barely able to move their body without wincing in pain.

*TW: BODY FLUIDS* I’ve literally puked, shit and pissed myself all at the same time unconsciously in front of a room of people. I’m lucky these people were my family but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing or upsetting knowing that everyone there saw me in such a state. A fear I had growing up was having a seizure in front of my class and the students making comments about it, thinking it was funny. In today’s age, filming seizures is something to worry about too because of how easily it can be shared to others online. Even if you aren’t an arsehole like that, try to be as respectful as possible and get everyone else to evacuate the room. At most, have three people to stay there: one person to stay close and time the seizure, one person to move furniture away and find something soft to lay under the epileptic’s head, and one person for crowd control who is keeping everyone else out and reassuring them all it’s okay.

Whatever you do, don’t make the epileptic feel bad for having a seizure. They can’t control it. Afterwards, comfort them and let them know its all over and you’ll stay with them until they feel better (unless they say they would rather be alone). Most of the time, the epileptic will be so tired and sore after their seizure that they’ll fall asleep. Let them; they need it. I’ve woken up on a couch, in my bed, the back of an ambulance or in a hospital bed and sometimes I was laying there for half an hour, sometimes a whole day. Knowing someone was there is relieving. Knowing everyone was there is shaming and it doesn’t make you feel any better when they’re all in your face afterwards too. Don’t be the camera crew.

2. Travelling alone is either a dream or everyday reality for a lot of people, but its a no-go for some of us. I was raised in a very overprotective household and still today, I don’t have a lot of freedom. Driving is usually one of the first bits of independence you get, but not for me. I’ve had seizures while out travelling because of the SUN. The sunlight flickering through trees, railings or bouncing off surfaces have triggered seizures in me where my family have had to pull over. The thought of being the one driving in such a scenario is terrifying to me, my loved ones and everyone else on the road. Driving is such a normalised thing for people my age that I’m embarrassed to bring up my own case unless someone specifically asks.

Then you have public transport. The sunlight issue is also here but this time, you’re with a bunch of strangers (see Point 1 again). Something my mum drilled into my head since I was younger was that if I ever got public transport by myself, then I could have a seizure and someone would film it and another person would rob me (and then you wonder why I have an anxiety disorder). I got my first bus by myself when I was 19 and for something so mundane to most people, it was like a little adventure to me. My mum didn’t approve but she complained about having to drive me everywhere too. While its fun to get the bus into town every now and then though, it becomes a bigger issue when travelling is a daily requirement and you aren’t able/allowed to drive yourself.

Free public transport doesn’t always include those with epilepsy, depending on which country you live in. What do you do when an employer asks if you can drive? What do you do if you have committments to go to and no one is around to drive or come with you? Or you need to explain why you’re going out, every single time, because someone else has to decide whether its worth the risk. Sunny roadtrips? Want to be a pilot? That last one isn’t a joke, by the way! I used to get a coach/private bus to college and if it was sunny, I’d pull the curtain over, wear my sunglasses and try to nonchalantly cover one eye to help. You can’t really get a curtain while driving your own car though and driving one-handed is not cool, its irresponsible.

3. Staying up all night talking with someone you love isn’t as romantic as we’d like it to be. All-nighters, i.e. lack of sleep, are a huge trigger for many epileptics. I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers with friends as a kid until I was 13, and at that sleepover I ended up having a seizure in the middle of the night after waking up to use the bathroom. Not to flex, but I had a seizure on the toilet. Where’s the weirdest place anyone else has had a seizure?. As a result of that, I was put back on medication after being told I was growing out of my seizures and had been med-free for one whole year. I’d love to stay up with a loved one and spend the night talking or watching movies, but I think a seizure would be more of a killjoy than going to bed early.

3. Unless you’re the paparazzi, camera flashes won’t give photosensitive epileptics seizures. Its a small gesture and I do appreciate it, but don’t worry - one small flash from a camera will not send my brain into override. Just don’t be taking photos from 5 different phones at the same time for more than one pic. Standing and waiting for people to take a photo all at the same time is awkward already because you don’t know who to look at, what to do with your hands, if you should change pose, smile or not, etc. Just take one flash photo and be done, or don’t use the flash at all if you don’t need to. Ring lights are a common thing now, by the way and I love them? Bye-bye camera flash!

I don’t blame anyone for having these types of concerns though. The only time you’re probably warned about flashing lights is when you’re about to watch a news report or awards show where there will be paparazzi and performances will be aired. Concerts are another thing that can be risky depending on the genre, size of the venue, whether its indoors or outdoors (if you’re like me and enjoy EDM music, you’ll have a very low chance of actually attending or watching anything live fdkslbjfdhb). Those things we avoid. But you taking a photo with a once-off flash will be okay, don’t worry. Seizures aren’t triggered by a single flash, but rather multiple flashes in a short period of time. They’re called Hertz and that shit hertz when its between 3-30 flashes per second. Also, fuck strobes, the Incredibles 2, Into The Spiderverse and any other movie that uses these for unnecessary effect.

4. Not everyone is diagnosed with epilepsy in their childhood and though some might grow out of it as they get older, not everyone will. I thought I had been growing out of it on two occasions (see point 3 again and point 9). Some people only get diagnosed with epilepsy later into their life. If you’re diagnosed while young, its easier to adjust your life because you’re growing up with it as your norm and its something you’ve just learned to live with. But for some people, they suddenly have to change their entire routine that they’ve established since they became an adult. Be sympathetic to those with epilepsy in their adult years, especially those who only got a diagnosis. Its not just a disability for children.

5. There are different types of seizures and one that’s commonly misunderstood is the partial seizure. These types of seizures have been mistaken for people being drunk or high (i.e. slurred speech, difficulty standing up or walking in a straight line, etc.), which has led them to getting kicked out of venues for something they have no control over. Swimming pools seem to be a common place for these bans, as well as gyms. Sometimes, these people are still somewhat aware they are having a seizure but cannot control them, which is really scary to think about. I don’t have them myself but I cannot imagine how frustrating they must be to not be taken seriously and instead as someone being high or intoxicated and then being punished for that. Alcohol is usually avoided as it can trigger seizures but when these seizures happen at social events, people can get the wrong idea. If you know someone who has these types of seizures, keep an eye on them if you’re out together. We’re usually only allowed one pint and hardly anyone gets that drunk after just one, so be aware that its likely they aren’t actually hammered but having a seizure instead.

6. Nobody likes being overworked but school, college, jobs and sport can very hard on us. Unless you’ve had a seizure, your teacher or boss probably won’t extend a deadline for you. The latter might even fire you. Chronic fatigue isn’t taken seriously. School is one big memory test in most countries, but for those with aura seizures, their ‘spacing out’ can affect how information they are actually taking in. Side-effects of meds can also make concentration and memory tough, and I hate how forgetful I can be because then I feel like I’m unreliable even though I push myself to give 110% anyway. Some activities like sports and physical education can be more draining than they would be for the average person, and sometimes I’d have to sit out during these activities because I felt an aura coming on after overexerting myself. I wish I could sit out having multiple assignments and group projects due in the same week, but college doesn’t work that way. I wish I could tell employers that I might not have that presentation done by the end of the day, but that wouldn’t go down too good either.

If you know someone who takes longer to complete tasks that might seem simple to you, ask yourself if you’ve ever considered they might have epilepsy or another chronic illness or disability. Don’t assume they’re lazy if they need to take an extra day or two to complete their final essay or have to stop their beep test earlier than the rest of the class. I didn’t know a good average for the beep test was 8-9, because no one ever told me. I pushed myself to 16 because I was scared people would think I was lazy and that I was dropping out to be with the other girls who agreed beforehand. I then ended up having an aura that almost slipped into a full seizure. I also almost had a seizure an hour before my religion exam in my Junior Cert at school. My mum even insisted I stay home and miss my State exam because of it. I still went though, took a bathroom break because I had another aura, and finished with an ‘A’ but had it been a different day, I might not have been so lucky. Its about knowing yourself and your limits, but we aren’t always informed that they should exist and then you end up doing stupid things like me that could hurt you. Likewise, its important to be understanding that not everyone can work at the same pace as you. It doesn’t make the quality of our work any less even if we need more time or energy to do it.

7. Side-effects aren’t always in the short-term. My own meds are advised to not be taken long-term as they weaken my bones over time. I’m 21 now and I’ve been on meds since I was 8. I wanted to reduce my dosage and eventually become med-free last year but the neurologist told me I still had brain activity and needed to stick with them. In fact, they almost ended up prescribing me more even after I had told them I was five years seizure-free. Why? See point 9. I’m lucky though because I’ve only been on one type of med. Some people can take years to find what works and their neurologists will prescribe them all sorts and leave them with awful side effects. Only last year I was chatting with a woman whose meds had caused sudden depression and fits of anger in her after she had been diagnosed and given her prescriptions. She eventually got brain surgery instead.

8. If you have a uterus and/or want to have children, do your research and a LOT of it. Birth control is usually a tough decision to make and often times, it can feel like you have no choice. Its so important to check with multiple neurologists and doctors which form of birth control is the best for you with your medication, because even the slightest new introduction to your meds box can have unpleasant side-effects. With the current medication I’m on, I can’t take the pill unless I want to increase my current dosage of meds as the pairing cancel each other and make me more vulnerable to seizures and other side-effects. I’m not pregnant and yet I have to take daily folic acid supplements because my meds cancel that out too. Every month or two, I will faint or almost faint on the first day of my period and I’m more vulnerable to having a seizure during that time. If I ever want to give birth, my children can possibly inherit my condition or be stuck taking care of me when I should be caring for them. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

This is not to say that people with epilepsy can’t have fulfilling sex lives or raise families. But we just do it at a greater risk that even some neurologists aren’t aware of. I had to tell my neurologist last year why I didn’t want to go on the pill because HE didn’t know it interacted negatively with my meds. I’ve known women who were prescribed the pill or meds BY A PROFESSIONAL that interacted negatively with each other and gave them seizures as a result. It takes ‘find the right method for you’ to a whole new level. If your partner has epilepsy, its so important to discuss birth control and take their condition into consideration. I hear men telling their girlfriends to go on the pill so that they don’t have to use a condom, which is really selfish for a start and also disregards other forms of birth control. Do your research but let them and their own trusted neurologist decide which form is best. You should still be using a condom to protect yourselves anyway! And if you and your epileptic partner decide you would like to have children, do the same process and make sure that they are in a safe position to do so.

9. *TW: DEATH* Threatening (even ‘jokingly’) to trigger a seizure in someone is playing with that person’s life. SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy) affects roughly 1 in 1000 people each year. Even if that person doesn’t die after their seizure, you may have just broken a record they set for days, months or YEARS without a seizure. You just revoked their driving license and they weren’t even behind a wheel. You just prescribed them new doses of medication without any years of medical school.

Growing up, I had countless incidences where classmates would joke about making me have a seizure. If the teacher left the room for anything, the first thing they would do is run up to the lightswitch and fuck around with it. In secondary school, I stopped using the bathroom at lunch because one of the girls thought it was funny to deliberately flick the lights on and off anytime I was inside. She would snicker and call out to me while I was in the stall, asking if it could make me have a seizure. Even after saying yes, she continued to do it. If I did end up having a seizure in that bathroom, god knows what could have happened. I had a seizure in a bathroom before and was lucky I only hurt my jaw as my head slammed against the wall. Others aren’t so lucky. Injuries from seizures can be brutal, just like OP said. Yeah, you might not kill them by triggering a seizure, but what injuries do they have to deal with after?

Imagine playing a game for years and you spent ages collecting all the items, defeating every boss and proudly showing off the trophies you won. Now imagine someone suddenly pulls the cord as you’re playing; your game freezes, the screen shuts to black and when you try to frantically start it up again and see where you had remembered to last save, it says your data is corrupted and deletes everything without your permission. It doesn’t matter where or when you saved. You have to start your progress all over again. You can try memorise the strategies from before but the game switches things up and suddenly you’re hit with a difficulty spike out of nowhere. The person who joked around and pulled the plug doesn’t have to do anything. And if they wanted to, they could do the same thing again and again. Don’t be that person. Be their Player 2 and help them. If they need to go into a dungeon but they’re scared to be alone, offer to cover their back. If their health is low, find them a safe spot and let them heal. The same goes for appointments and seizures. Its not a multiplayer game by default and while they can power through solo, that doesn’t mean they don’t need help if they’re ever stuck.

10. To end on a more positive note, there are lots of successful people out who have/had epilepsy and you probably never even knew. Cameron Boyce’s passing brought attention to SUDEP and celebrities with epilepsy but did you also know about these people and their own cases and seizures?

Prince

Elton John

Lewis Carroll

Danny Glover

Lil Wayne

Neil Young

Hugo Weaving

Charles Dickens

Julius Caesar

Vincent Van Gogh

Theodore Roosevelt

Adam Horovitz

Susan Boyle

Rick Harrison (the Pawn Stars guy!)

And some who are not confirmed (due to medical practices of the time) but are suggested as a result of numerous seizures:

Leonardo da Vinci

Michelangelo

Edgar Allen Poe

Agatha Christie

Socrates

Napoleon Bonaparte

Aristotle

Alexander the Great

Epileptics are humans, normal people just like you. And like you, they’re capable of great things too. If you think about making a crude comment to someone with epilepsy, think about these people and ask yourself if you would say the same things to them. 

If you read all of this, comment with a ⭐️ and please reblog to spread awareness. Whenever we talk about epilepsy, we start and stop the conversation at seizures. Its good to bring awareness to the other things too because its something that affects every part of our lives. Its an invisible disability but that doesn’t mean we are hidden from the disability community and discussion!

[rickybowxn]

let’s talk about ricky bowen again

dude ep5 and ep6 has crushed me. the way that they are alluding to ricky’s mental health these two episodes is so incredibly loud in the most subtle ways. and not to mention so damn relatable. 

ricky bowen is crying for help and comfort rn and it’s so sad and incredibly heartbreaking to watch. 

episode 5 mostly set up the emotion derivative and complexity for all of ricky’s actions in episode 6 to be as angsty and as wonderful as they were so i’m just gonna be pretty straight to the point with this first half of the post. let’s take a closer look and start with episode 5:

watching this sucked. he’s growing up, and bottling up all of these feelings to be strong for his dad. i love that they establish ricky’s response to conflict and trials: as someone who wants to be there for everyone else, even though it’s pretty sad to watch. he passively states what’s going in his life but never really talks about it, throughout the next few scenes, we realise that he deals with his conflict by being there for everyone else and well... not dealing with his conflict. he literally grows up and as fucked up as it is, becomes the parent. it made my stomach twist and it was written really well. my poor baby boi.

in his next two scenes with gina, we see exactly what was established with his dad:

in the first gif, he states his conflict in passing and then flips it to gina to talk about what’s going on with her. i’ve said again and again that he’s rlly bad with explicit verbal communication and this is a great example of how he’s good at being a support system for literally everyone, but has such a hard time being kind to himself. he uses ‘it’s a whole thing’ as a fast and sure way to dismiss his issue as not worth talking about and instantly wants to make gina the focus. the writers really did well with establishing that.

this gina and ricky interaction was great. not only did it establish rina’s chemistry, it also gave us the setup to ricky’s actions in the next episode - this play is what’s keeping him afloat rn. the people, the lines, the rehearsals are effectively helping him stay grounded and not lose his mind. it’s rlly heartbreaking to see how much he’s actually hurting, especially because he explicitly doesn’t show it throughout this episode or the next.

(i plan to do a rina arc post as well, and i’ll save most of my thoughts on them for that, but while we’re here, the last two scenes we broke down really established this strong and substantial connection between the characters really well. the writers pushed past the ‘we’re both outsiders’ arc and really gave ricky and gina substance and common ground for a solid dynamic. their motives and actions are very similar, and that’s why they have such a good foundation for gina’s understanding of, and being there for ricky in ep6, as well as where-ever the writers decide to take them - i personally prefer friendship but i know that some of y’all are rina shippers and that’s also very much on the table and i’m rlly okay with either! as much as i want rini to be endgame, they have established such wonderful characters with such amazing arcs and i want all of them to be explored and the writers are doing good work with it rn).

and now let’s look at episode 6, where they drive that stake into our hearts further. this is ricky’s reaction to carlos breaking the ms. jenn news to everyone:

you can see him unwind. you can see his world fall apart bit by bit as the realisation hits. the established safe haven he has, doubling down as a distraction for everything going on in his life right now, is being torn from under his feet. it was personally one of the hardest and heartbreaking things to see this ep, it’s just constant angst with him oof. 

but then, in the most ricky bowen fashion ever, he jumps right back to wanting to fight and keep trying, he stays despite everyone else leaving (starting with nini, and i’lll mention why that’s important in just a second). he puts aside all the anxiety he has if the play (at that point, most probably bound to end) falls apart and commits to fighting for it, clinging desperately to it:

and now as for everyone leaving, the writers used it as such a good way to establish how significantly important the play is for especially ricky, carlos and gina - the three people who stayed. as a side-note, carlos’s attachment to the play is established and developed later in the episode with the string of dialogue in big red’s basement, so i’m not gonna elaborate, it was way more explicit than ricky’s arc that led to the climatic monologue(ish) he delivered towards the end of that same scene.

for nini, the play is the path to her developing her self-confidence and maturity so she embraces it to grow (and she’s slowly rediscovering herself just generally), not to run away from the rest of her life, unlike ricky and gina:

like nini, the rest of the cast uses the play as an opportunity rather than a distraction, and that’s what sets ricky and gina apart from them. this made it easier from them to walk away and wallow in the possibility of the show ending (also that look ricky gave nini walking way *my heart shattered*). ricky (and gina) is established to clearly not have that same luxury. this scene sets up ricky and gina having the play as this tether that’s keeping them at bay from things that they should be dealing with (we don’t know about gina’s issues yet and i’m very ready and excited to cry about that angst by the way), so their instinct is to stay and try and fight for the play/keep practising. 

the next scene explicates why this play means the most to ricky, and as with everything about his arc rn, it’s heart-wrenching:

he’s in complete denial of the only thing keeping him together rn falling apart. it is sad, heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. this angst is delivered with such fucking excellence by joshua bassett that i kinda wanna punch him lmao

and here’s where it hits home. gina realises the reality that they might not come back to the show and is ready to face it (instituted by her even asking the question in the first place), but ricky’s denial contrast that so heavily this scene. that denial is what establishes the play meaning the most to ricky. just by watching the scene, you can tell how he’s unravelling, trying not to let himself be overwhelmed by the possibility of it. it’s so fucking angsty ugh.

(another side note, as i said before, i’m probably gonna make another entire post about the gina/ricky arc but i had to mention this. after this exchange, her supporting him and taking his mind off of all of this by asking him to do something he loves and perform the acoustic version of ‘when there was me and you’, grounding ricky for a bit, was one of my most favourite things to watch this entire episode, even being primarily a rini shipper - they rlly sold them i can see their growing popularity as completely justified, they were hella cute this ep).

now this moment is where i felt like sobbing and reaching into the screen to hug him:

he finally opens up about it. why he’s so desperate to keep this play alive and why saving ms. jenn’s job is so incredibly important to him. and i loved that nini helped him say the words he needed to say. the look of relief when he was assured that he didn’t have to do any of this alone, just with nini finishing that sentence for him - that nini, gina, big red and everyone else was going to be there for him, and hear him out - fuck, it was beautiful!! it also encouraged him to take charge and chant ‘what team?’, he was ready to fight and everyone readying with him was so magnetic to see. it was also clearly therapeutic to him bc during, and after the final number, he looks genuinely happy, and we see him fully smiling/laughing more than the last 5eps combined. 

he finally gets a win and it may not solve all his problems, but being one of the motivating factors in saving ms. jenn’s job through his vulnerability in this scene really gives him a leg up and i loved watching it. i hope they don’t dismiss everything he still has to continue to have to deal with (making this an all problem solving cure as sometimes disney does) but that aside, i’m so glad they had subtle continuity in furthering his character’s development these last two episodes even though he wasn’t a primary focus. it was subtle, nuanced and genuinely so complex and enjoyable to watch.

[baritonetcc]

Teacher Crush Would You Rather

Made by @baeby-tc 

1. Be your tc’s age or have your tc be your age?

I would overwhelmingly prefer if M was my age. Less responsibilities and such things. I also feel that this is the age when you spend much more time with your friends regularly, so I definitely would want her to be my age.

2. Have a summer fling with your tc, but never speak again afterwards or be in a long distance relationship with your tc for years, but never be able to meet in person?

Uff, this is a question that I’ve never seen before. I think I would rather be in a long distance relationship with her. I mean, if we were to hypothetically find ourselves in a relationship after I graduate, it would have to be long distance anyway. I think the sentiment is more important than the short-term gratification.

 3. Spend the day with your tc or pull an all nighter with your tc?

While human nature tends to get things kind of frisky as the night wears on...I would rather spend the day with her. Both of us value our sleep and usually go to sleep at a completely normal time. 

 4. Accidentally confess your feelings to your tc while drunk or never confess your feelings to your tc?

I like to think of myself as an honest person, so it would kill me to never tell her. If I accidentally confess, then I don’t have to spend time planning it or feel any anxiety while doing it. It sounds like an ideal situation to me.

 5. Have your tc find out about your tcc blog and read every single post or relive your most embarrassing moment with your tc?

Oh my god, this is a difficult one. I think I would actually rather have her read my blog. Maybe she’ll find it funny. Reliving embarrassment is something that I’m glad I can’t imagine, as it sounds more painful than any sort of embarrassment I’ve experienced.

6. Go to a fancy restaurant with your tc or have a picnic with your tc?

I’m a sucker for a cute picnic! 

7. Fly out of the country with your tc or drive/cycle cross country with your tc?

I would want to fly out of the country! That would be quite memorable. I’m actually supposed to do this next year, if things line up. I have my fingers crossed.

 8. Go to the movies with your tc or go to the museum with your tc?

I’m not a huge movie person. I have a terrible attention span, unless my brain is occupied with an action, which I guess is why I perform but don’t watch. Museums are super fun, and I’m a history person. Oh, M is as well! Museum all the way.

 9. Never speak to your tc again, but still being able to see them out and about or never see your tc’s face again, but still be able to call (not video call, only phone call), text and email them?

Half of the time I’m near her, see her, or am going somewhere I know she’s going to be at, I am planning out what I’m going to say to her. One of the things that hurts the most is when we see each other and she doesn’t say anything to me. I just can’t handle it. I have to have communication, so I’ll definitely go with the latter option here.

10. Completely forgetting about your tc (they’re strangers to you) or feel as though your tc was some kind of ultra-realistic dream (you’re not sure whether it actually happened or you just dreamt it)?

I enjoy holding on to memories, and M is definitely a huge part of my high school memories. I would rather feel as if I dreamt about her. After all, I have remarkably vivid and realistic dreams anyway, so that works out well.

11. In a movie where your tc is the protagonist, be cast as the love interest or the antagonist?

What do you mean, I’m already both. ;)

12. Confess your feelings in a letter or in person?

I think I would do it in person so that I could see her reaction. More than once, I’ve given her a letter and run away, so I need to...not do that again lol.

13. Get drunk with your tc or get high with your tc? 

I’d rather get drunk. I hate the idea of smoking, and I already know that she drinks.

14. Having to social distance with everyone but your tc for a year or having to social distance with your tc but no one else for a year?

I can deal with social distancing with everyone except for M. Social distancing has taught me that being less touchy (not touchy at all) is actually not that bad. I’m enjoying it. Don’t touch me.

15. Get the chance to go through all of your tc’s photo albums or get the chance to visit your tc’s childhood home, current place and every school they’ve ever attended?

I was originally going to say I would visit all those places, as they’re more substantial than just photos. However, photos are literally moments in time that have been frozen. Photos tell individual stories, so I think I would rather look at those. 

16. Share a dorm with your tc for a month or be handcuffed to your tc for 24h? 

I’d rather share a dorm with her for a month. Being handcuffed to her means being right next to her. For an entire day. I’d probably spend half of the day passing out.

17. Date someone with your tc’s face/physical appearance but someone else’s personality or date someone with a different face but your tc’s personality?

I would date someone with a different face but the same personality. If I were to date someone with the same appearance I think I would just get super confused!

18. Relive all of your favorite moments with your tc or have one of your dreams with your tc come to life?

I’d rather have one of my dreams about her actually happen. If you know...you know.

19. Attend your tc’s wedding with someone else or move across the world from your tc and having to say goodbye? 

There’s a little part of me that secretly wants to move to a faraway country, so I’ll go with that one. That way, I won’t just have to say goodbye to M, but to everyone. One of the places I want to go to is a place she loves...so maybe she’ll be compelled to visit if I were to move there.

20. Listen your tc’s playlist with them or go on a movie marathon of their favorite movies with them? 

Go on a movie marathon! She recommended me a bunch of shows and movies I still haven’t gotten around to watching.

This was super fun! @tccinematicuniverse tagged me, and I think @sunomegatc and @whats-the-story-tc should do this if y’all aren’t busy.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #337

“if i showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?”

What's your favorite brand of chips? I like Lays best. Are you a good painter? My Painting teacher when I was in college last said I did wonderfully, but I definitely beg to differ. Before buying a car, do you usually test drive it? N/A Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? No, but a teacher has. It was so fucking awkward; it was very pacifist, the topic being about war, and it had some depressing tones of death; there was just silence at the end of it, and I still don't know if it was shock or "what the fuck, she's messed up." There was this one guy that went, "Nobody is going to clap at that?", though, which I thought was pretty nice and reassuring. Do you like pineapple? Yeah, I do. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don't have a favorite author. Have you and your best friend ever liked the same person? No. Do you have any freckles? Not on my face (though oddly enough, I did as a kid?), but on random parts of my body. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and then Spanish. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? I hate it. Have you ever been to Sea World? As a child, yes. I'd never go as an adult. Do you know someone who suffers from short-term memory loss? I don't know how this is actually diagnosed, but my memory is absolutely fucking nightmarish, almost exclusively in short-term situations. I can remember the most obscure events from my childhood, but not what I said to you five seconds prior. I'm rather sure my medications have made it worse over time. Have you ever read any of John Green's books? I got like, one chapter or less into The Fault in Our Stars before the book got replaced with the Wings of Fire series, so I never finished it. Are you a protective person? I'm an immensely protective person over those that matter to me. Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No, thankfully. I'm terrified of earthquakes. What's one thing that makes everything in life worthwhile? The fact that to our proven knowledge, this is the only one we'll ever experience. What type of waffles do you like? (Plain, blueberry etc..) I prefer plain, but I can eat chocolate chip ones as well as blueberry and strawberry. Have you ever seen the show Wife Swap? Yeah, I actually quite like it. Do you like chicken or beef better? Or do you not eat meat? Chicken, I think. I eat meat, but wish I didn't. What brand of dish soap do you use? Dawn, usually. Do any of your neighbors have dogs? Yes, and they never shut up. Do you believe in fortune tellers? They're money-driver bullshitters. Have you ever been to one? No, and judging by the fervor in the above question, I hope you can tell I never would do so and thus monetarily support them. Do you like regular or chocolate milk better? Chocolate, of course. But I love normal milk, too. Once again, wish I didn't, though. Forcing a cow to constantly reproduce to lactate is pretty fucking cruel. Growing up, did you listen to country music? I actually did. Do you normally wash your hands in warm or cold water? If it's just a quick wash, it's usually cold because our water takes quite a few moments to warm up. However, if I'm looking to thoroughly wash my hands, it's gotta be relatively hot. Do you believe in mediums? I see them in a worse light than I do fortune tellers, so... Like sure, manipulate grieving people for profit, sounds great. Have you ever been to one? Obviously not. Have you ever dated someone on the football team? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. Do you like tomatoes? Solely when straight from a garden and on a bacon and mayonnaise sandwich. Otherwise I am noooot a fan. Are you a competitive person? Not very, but there's a tiny spark in me, really when it just comes to photography. I hate it. Google or Bing? Does literally anyone use Bing? What's your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia. Do you have any ceramic animals in your house or outside? Ummm I don't think so. Have you ever given someone flowers? Yes. What is something you might eat with a hamburger? Fries or mac and cheese. What is a sport that you’ve always wanted to play, but never got a chance to. None. What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? A banana. Who might you send a selfie to? I don't send selfies to anyone. About how many pages is the longest book you’ve ever read? I THINK it surpassed 1,000? At least in the high hundreds. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Probably Mom. Around what time do you start feeling tired enough to go to sleep? Truth be told, it's usually arouund 7-8. I rarely make it to 9:00 nowadays. What trends do you refuse to give in to? I don't even know what's trendy right now. What subjects in history interest you most? As dark as it is, I find the Holocaust interesting to learn about. Are you superstitious in any way? No. How do you get rid of anxiety? What a relevant question, being in a partial hospitalization program right now. Coping skills that help me are doing deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and a little jerk back to reality is splashing freezing cold water on my face. It also helps to talk it out with somebody, just get my feelings into words. Then if it's a true anxiety or panic attack, I have my "emergency" anxiety prescription. Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? My lip and tragus piercings never do, and I always wear two rings. Do you find yourself correcting people’s grammar often? Not really, no. It just seems rude and snobby to me, honestly, if it's not in an educational setting, like helping someone with an essay. Correcting someone in your average conversation is just... unnecessary, imo. Now if you're talking like in surveys and stuff, I definitely do in questions and such, but I don't point it out. Gummi worms: Yay or nay? Yay, love 'em. What do you do when you have ‘me time’? I only ever have "me" time, so what I always do... Do you lack common sense sometimes? I have a horrible lack of common sense, shit's embarrassing. Have you ever poured glue on your hand just to peel it off for fun? No. How do babies make you feel? "Nervous. They’re so damn breakable." <<<< Mood. Would you/Have you milked a cow? No, and I'm not interested. What really gives you the creeps? #!: seeing a baby move inside its mother's stomach. It will actually make me scream and/or cry because it just grosses me the fuck out. Whale sharks' mouths also creep me out big time. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yeah, I love cold pizza. When you're wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? We normally have cashew bars that I like if I'm really hungry. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Obviously Pikachu. My niece loves Pikachu anyway, so she'd be ecstatic to see a real one. Or well, maybe I'd go for an Eevee. Not as dangerous with electricity and all but just as cute and small. Do you like marshmallows? Yeah. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? No. It would ruin so many factors of the temporary nature of life. Things would lose meaning, get old and boring, it'd be much easier to take advantage of things... There are many reasons why I have no desire to live forever. Hell, I even wonder if I want an afterlife for those same reasons. Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? As a little kid, yeah. Do you like quesadillas? I like cheese, chicken, and shrimp ones. What's the greatest/most influential song you've ever heard? Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait." Do you prefer to pull off band-aids slowly or quickly? I tend to do it slowly. What was the last thing someone told you that had you at a loss for words? Uhhh I feel like Sara said something, but I don't remember what. What was the last health scare you had? Ugh... I'm kind of living in one now. As my legs have been worsening, I'm becoming increasingly concerned I'm eventually going to need a wheelchair for "walking" longer distances. And mind you, "long" for me is probably short for the average person. My knees do nothing but crack incessantly and burn when I use them, and they frequently feel like they're going to give way, and in a few rare instances, have. It's my own fucking fault for not sucking it up and exercising with my mom in the room, so I'd like to move on. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I do. If applicable, what’s your favorite drug, and why? I don't do drugs, so. What was the last TV show you binge-watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender with Sara. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Definitely burgers. I don't like tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. What was the last job you applied for? Did you get the job? Deli worker, and yes. Do you use TikTok? No. What decorations do you have in your bathroom? None. Our bathroom is pretty small. Well, the one we use, anyway. The one attached to the master's bedroom isn't cleaned up yet, but we'll use it in case of emergency. What year was your favourite band formed? (Before people think I'm smart, no, I looked the dates up, haha.) Well Ozzy was Black Sabbath's vocalist, and the band formed in 1968, but Ozzy became a solo artist in 1979. What's your favourite fruit? Strawberries. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Do you prefer gory horror films or the psychological ones? I prefer psychological. Are you easily paranoid? Yeah. Do you have a favorite obsession? Meerkats and Mark are kinda tied, haha. Are you a workaholic? No. Have you ever given a tattoo before and would you like to? No and no; that would be an awful idea, given I have bad tremors in my hands. Have you ever seen the movie Labyrinth? I actually have not. Would you rather be called pretty or hot? Pretty. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Have you ever performed in front of my large group of people? Yes; I was a dancer for many years. Have you ever fundraised? If so, what for? You know how Facebook recommends making fundraisers for a charity of your choice for your birthday? I've done that for the Trevor Project and two charities for ovarian and pancreatic cancers. Are you wearing earrings right now? Ugh, no, even though I want to be. The first holes in my ears are just too stretched for normal earrings because I wore heavy ones too often, and I just don't have nice earrings. I still want to get very small gauges to put in the stretched holes. Name a singer whose voice makes you swoon? Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump can do that, holy shit. "America's Suitehearts" does it for me, man. Y'know, when his voice goes all deep. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? My cat Roman is quite literally my shadow. Where I go, he goes. What do you do online? I seem to only exist online, really, so I've got a lot on my plate to choose from, yet I'm still bored half the time, haha. I'm essentially always watching or listening to YouTube, I play World of Warcraft for varying amounts of time depending on the day, I scroll through deviantART, check KM periodically, do surveys obviously, "work" at the wikis I contribute to, wander around on Facebook... idk, that's all I really do at least semi-regularly online. Haha oh, wait, I also check Craigslist like... every day for tarantula and hognoses even though I can't currently get either. Let me dream. Do you have any scars on your face? I have a couple on my chin from when I fainted and busted it open. What countries were your grandparents born in? In the US. What was the most damaging relationship (romantic or not) that you’ve ever been a part of? Ultimately, with Jason, because of how it ended. The relationship itself wasn't at all damaging to me, but the breakup shook my entire fucking world. When in your life was your self-esteem at its lowest point? Self-esteem? Now. I'm very unhappy with my weight going back up, my body is just in poor health in general, I'm not employed, not in school... I just feel like a lowlife. Who was the last person you cut out of your life? Do you regret it? I want to say my sister's mother-in-law. Sure don't, considering she revealed her disgusting support for conversion therapy. I'm civil around her in person, but I kicked that woman off my Facebook so fucking quick when I saw that shit. Who is the most attractive person you know personally? That I know personally... I would say Alon, but I haven't seen even a picture of her in forever. Summer, though, shares selfies frequently, and by god is she gorgeous. I know a lot a lot of beautiful women, asldkjf;awe. It's funny that I'm blanking on men, at least involving people I still "know"/are somehow present in my life. Would you rather look older or younger than you are? I'm fine looking my age. Have you ever dated someone who was very vastly different from your “type”? No. What is the biggest project you’re currently working on? I suppose you can count an RP plot as a "project." I'm procrastinating so bad on it because it is going to be A LOT of writing. Is there a person from your past that you wonder about frequently? Who? Take a shot in the dark for me. Who knows you best, excluding romantic partners? My mother. What are your thoughts on human creation? I believe we evolved. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever had a yard sale? Yeah. Have you ever been surfing? No.