#also want more input on new channels teehee | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

oddtripps · 1 year ago

Text

Shitty mental health rambling under the cut lmao

CW mentions of depersonalised and 18+ art. Don’t click if it makes you uncomfortable my guy.

I’ll be honest with you my guy, I keep having this deep feeling of SOMETHING.

I have no clue what it could mean, let alone what it points towards, but it feels like eyes boaring themselves into the back of my skull again. Almost EXPECTING me to do SOMETHING.

I really wish I could navigate this feeling better, or at least communicate with it. It feels as if it’s another disembodied persona, but it could also be a new part of my system I haven’t really been too aware or conscious of.

My system has been yelling at me a lot too, since breakfast kinda has full range of The Activists. Lunch and Dinner know he’s being unreasonable again, but every time I go to change the channel breakfast is sure to throw the whole “if you stop doing This Actively, you’ll fade into oblivion again, teehee. Stay the same lmao”

Since he’s been around the longest, it feels almost impossible to really talk to him without there being a shitshow of tantrums and guilt tripping.

And to be bluntly honest, I hate drawing what I draw. I want to tell stories man, I want to have that communication between fictional characters and give them the life the source material can’t give us. I’m sick of drawing something that looks vaguely lewd for that interaction, but if Breakfast doesn’t get his LittleTreat (( any outside input )) he gets even more violent, and if he gets violent he slowly starts attacking others around him and not just characters on a screen.

I don’t HATE him, but he’s probably the hardest system member I’ve ever had to nagivate. He loves to make people uncomfortable. He loves to get in the way, but he’s not EVIL, he’s a child that doesn’t know any better.

I’ve been wanting to work with him to get him to move on, or at least grow in his own personality, but holy shit man is that little dude stubborn. Anything that doesn’t work with him and it Doesn’t Exist. He’s also the only system member who holds grudges for people in my past, while me, Lunch and Dinner are more so “live and let live. Forgive and forget, etc etc.”

For awhile in time I wanted to introduce a new system member, someone closer to Breakfasts age, but make them female so breakfast doesn’t immediately want to fight them on site. But I knew that if breakfast felt like he had “competition” he would get even more needy and would take the rains too often. Letting him run wild on twitter and being a little shit works for awhile, but I’m terrified he’s gonna start to slip out more over here or irl, and the last time that happened was something I’d never want to repeat again. Just from the shame and the copious amounts of people we ended up hurting, keeping him quiet is best for everyone in this situation.

I wish it wasn't like this.

Im not saying I wish I didn't have my conditions or my trauma, j just wish it was easier. Lunch and Dinner also need validation and love, but by forcing all my attention on a dead little kid who's sure to throw a punch if he's ignored, it leaves out the other two who are incredibly important to me.

Then again, I know I'll never be lonely. Even if the only friendship I had was with my own disorders. Breakfast will never leave. I need him despite how he acts and the way he navigates this world, I need him like an old keep sake, something to remind me of the better days. Something to remind me that despite everything that happens, maybe someday I can return to that same peace and love I had at the very start.

But for now, I'll let him kick pebbles and terrorize Lunch with crayon drawings. I'll let Dinner try her best to mother a zombie who's only want in this world is attention, no matter if that attention is coming from a kindhearted or loving source.

I love you. Thanks for keeping me company.

#did stuff

1 note · View note