#also tom hardy bane ...... oh he could get it

[taus-inc]

finished christian bales batman and i love them

[mlmxreader]

Hehe. The Tom Hardy and Matt Damon (never been on the Damon train, but you do you) thirsting ... I love this for you, live your best life, boo.

Glad you enjoyed the films! Watching both sequentially wasn't something that I was considering but after what you said about it being an experience, I'll have to talk to my siblings about doing that.

Oh, I didn't realize he'd stolen your teddy bear! Gods, my dogs are the exact same. The younger one is so sneaky about it that she's been nicknamed "our little klepto". The funniest thing though is when she's stealing something, if you say "swiper no swiping" she'll stop! What a goof, honestly.

But anyways, this was a catch-up if anything. Super glad you had a restful time and that you got your meds on time (you are indeed very lucky, Lucky). At some point in the week I'll probably spam your inbox again (take this as your heads up, lmao 😂).

Until next time, stay safe, healthy, and as happy as you can be!

🖤🖤🖤

🐍anon

(nsfw ahead)

seeing Matt Damon in Oppenheimer awakened a type of horny for that man that I have genuinely never felt before, and then watching The Martian last night made it WORSE and now I'm fully on board w Matt "big dick Daddy" Damon tbh, he and Tom Hardy............. bark bark bark bark

like, Bane? I would LOVE for him to bend me over the edge of the bed and just fuck my ass until I'm whimpering and desperate for him to let me cum.

Mark Watney? I'd love to ride him, hands on his chest and his hands on my thighs, getting my ass pounded by him until he decides when I can cum for him.

like 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

yeah!! it's definitely a type of experience that I'd like to have again tho tbh! if I had the money, I'd absolutely go to see Barbie and Oppenheimer again, especially if I could watch them back to back like last time, bc even though I do have a fair amount of criticism about both films, they were still films that I liked, and that's what makes it worth it! (plus Matt Damon w a pornstache, all beefed up in a tight uniform and greying hair)

yeah, the camo teddy bear is MINE 😭 he literally has his own (it's a small squeaky one, but he also has a brown teddy bear THAT IS HIS), he's just a thief. he stole my duvet last night, and then tried stealing it again this afternoon. thief dog. he's also in trouble w my psychiatrist bc he started playing in the middle of the session dhfkskfkskfks

thank you for checking in 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 and yeah, definitely lived up to the moniker lmfaooooo usually I gotta wait 2 weeks for them to come through, but I didn't have enough to last that long, so it really was a stroke of luck that I got them on the same day 💀

please do spam me!! I only have 2 requests left to do atm, so I'm more than free rn!

until next time!!! take care 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

[likeadeuce]

Raven Cycle Headcanons: Comic Book Heroes

I. 

Gansey says he doesn’t keep any secrets from his friends, but they still mostly learn about his life history when he drops comments like, “The last time I went base jumping in Borneo. . .” at which point Adam has to call him ‘Master Bruce’ in the Michael-Caine-as-Alfred voice. This makes Ronan laugh-snort through his nose so of course Adam has to keep calling Gansey that again and again for the rest of the day.

Gansey wearily informs them that he is, as they know, a Marvel guy and also the Nolan Batman movies are overrated. This just makes Adam (who is an extremely good mimic) need to do the voice more and the others have to join in.  Ronan does a decent “Christian Bale as Batman” and also “Christian Bale yelling at the guy who got in his light from that viral video,” but Blue steals the show with her Tom Hardy-as-Bane. (Although, technically, the one who does all of these voices better than anyone is Chainsaw).

II.

Gansey says he’s a Marvel guy but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have opinions. Adam finds this out when he makes a crack about how Dick isn’t such a bad name; Gansey shares it with Dick Grayson who is indisputably the best Robin.

This results in a pained Gansey face -- the ‘I’m not thrilled about correcting you but I’m going to be correcting you’ face -- and the statement that Tim Drake, self-taught boy detective, is just objectively the best Robin.

Ronan knows exactly enough about this topic, ie, one of those straight to DVD animated movies that Gansey threw on when they were drinking and bored, to declare Jason Todd the best Robin, especially when he came back from the dead and started calling himself Red Hood and kicking the shit out of people. This is Ronan’s only contribution to the conversation except to make occasional jokes about tiny shorts.

“Thoughts, Jane?” Gansey asks and Blue, reliably, raises a fist and says, “Justice for Stephanie Brown!” 

III.

Gansey says he’s a Marvel guy, he loves the Stan Lee “Excelsior” schtick, but he mostly means that he has the 102 issues of the original Lee/Kirby ‘Fantastic Four’ run memorized -- it’s classic, like the Camaro -- and he got the $100 /volume omnibus editions when he was 10, along with the Steve Ditko era of Spider-Man.  

He also sometimes wears a Silver Age “Iron Man” T-shirt that he bought when he decided to train for a triathlon, in the few months between Wales  and Aglionby. (Gansey never actually made it to the point of entering a triathlon, though he had a very respectable time in the Charlottesville Half-Marathon last spring and he’s definitely, perpetually, going to go home for the Marine Corps Marathon next year). But he got the shirt because he liked the classic red and gold Don Heck art, and because he thought it would be a good ‘Iron Man triathlon’ joke if anybody asked about the shirt, which they never did.

He’s not actually an Iron Man fan, though, he doesn’t really have time for any hero who takes two-thirds of the movie to realize he should maybe stop being a complete asshole to everybody, and then is somehow supposed to get points for being slightly less of an asshole in the six minutes after it occurs to him? Also Tony Stark is entirely too familiar as  type who gets loud at, and then gets thrown out on his ear from, the kind of parties hosted at the Gansey household. No thank you.

Adam and Blue can talk to each other through references to seventies and eighties X-Men and Excalibur comics like it’s some kind of secret code. Gansey will occasionally ask, “Wait, which one is that? Whose codename does that go with?” and Adam says he ought to just read the books himself. No thank you, Gansey says. Too many retcons, he says.  If he wants to piece together narratives full of inconsistencies that lose story threads and run all over the place, he has pre-Galfridian texts, and those have the excuse of being medieval and mostly in Welsh. “Just tell me the good parts of the stories,” Gansey says, “So I can understand what you’re talking about,” and sometimes they do.

IV. 

Blue and Adam have very similar points of reference when it comes to comics. In fact, it develops that they have the exact same points of reference: namely, everything that was available in trade paperback in the teen room of the Henrietta public library during the years they were in sixth through eighth grade.

“I spent so much time in there,” Blue says. “Trying to get a little peace and quite away from my house.“

“Relatable,” says Adam. Although, he’s well aware by now, for different reasons.

“Weird we never ran into each other.”

Adam stops, raises his eyes, takes a good look at her, trying to mentally subtract a few years and some teenage attitude, to reimagine her creative haircut. “Oh,” he says, “Yeah actually that makes sense. I probably did see you there.”

“Oh.Sorry, I don’t remember --”

“It’s fine,” says Adam hastily. Adam’s home was technically in Augusta County, across the Henrietta Town Line, which was why he and Blue had never been at the same school when they were younger. It was close enough for Adam to bike to town, though, and he figured out the Henrietta library had a considerably better collection than the one near his school where his mother had exasperatedly signed him up for a card.

Adam figured out that he was eligible to apply for a library card in Henrietta, but that he would need a parent to come down to the branch and sign him up for it. Even assuming that he could find his mother or father in a hospitable mood, it would completely defeat the purpose of having a quiet place to read where they couldn’t track him down. (If he just said ‘the library’ he wasn’t responsible for what they assumed. . .) So Adam would just take stacks of books with him and slump down in a chair or camp out in a corner and take all the time he could get away with.   

“If you didn’t see me,” he tells Blue, “It’s because I didn’t want anybody to see me. I was definitely hiding.” He would doubly have been hiding if he saw a pretty girl hanging out around the comic books. Way too stressful.

Blue pouts a little. “You should have come and said, ‘Hi.’ We could have been friends five years earlier.” 

Adam makes a face of regret. “I should have,” he says, “Sorry.”

The truth is, as neither of them says but both of them suspect, if a boy had come up and tried to talk to twelve-year old Blue Sargent when she was trying to read, she absolutely would have yelled at him. 

Sometimes, things need to happen on their own time.

[lamujerarana]

I’m just so tired of the DCEU and MCU actively erasing Latinx superheroes, making them sidekicks, refusing to acknowledge onscreen the Latinidad of actors who ARE Latinx (like Lupita Nyong’o (Nyong’o is Kenyan-Mexican, but Nakia is Wakandan with no connection to Latin America), Tessa Thompson (Thompson is half Afro-Panamanian, half Mexican, but there’s no indication that Valkyrie is at all Latina), Zoe Saldana (she’s Dominican and Puerto Rican, but she’s playing a green-skinned alien and there’s no indication that she’s at all tied to Latinxs), or just pretending that Latinx superheroes don’t exist.

It’s great that DC cast a black woman as Catwoman! But why couldn’t they have cast an actress who was ALSO Latina, given that Selina is half Cuban in the comics? Racial minorities are not interchangeable, DC, and it’s not okay to actively erase Selina’s Latinidad. Why couldn’t they have cast an Afrolatina actress? There’s no shortage of Afrolatina actresses.

Oh, and let’s not forget that time DC had Bane, who’s half Latino in the comics (his mother is from Santa Prisca, a fictional Caribbean island), played by the very white, very non-Latino Tom Hardy IN THE SAME MOVIE where half-Cuban Selina Kyle was played by the very white, very non-Latina Anne Hathaway.

It’s just so disappointing to have zero rep in big budget, liveaction superhero films, to the point that characters like Selina who are canonically Latinx in the comics are taken away from us. All we’re left with are thieves (Luis from Ant Man — he’s fun, but the society-wide criminalization and disproportionate incarceration of Latinos is a real problem) and, like, that side-of-the-road strawberry salesman in Iron Man 2, who I don’t think even gets any lines. (Tony LIVES IN LA, IN CALIFORNIA, A STATE WHERE LATINOS ARE THE RACIAL MAJORITY, on land that was Mexican territory until it was stolen away from us by the US, but the only Latino character Marvel could drum up over the course of three separate IM movies is a strawberry salesman who never even gets to talk??? That. It just. It makes me SO ANGRY. We’re not just silent servants, maids, and criminals, thank you very much!)

At least we have Miles Morales, even if that’s not liveaction.

[batmanmoviee-blog]

Movie review: ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ a worthy end to Batman series

The closing chapter certainly changes up the pace after the first two films delivered a strong focus on organize crime.  Gone are the Falcone and Maroni crime families.  The terrorizing Bane (Tom Hardy) steps into replace them eight years after Harvey Dent’s death.  Thanks to the Dent Act, many criminals are behind bars.  Oh, does he ever!  Bane has his eyes on destroying Gotham in a way that nobody could probably imagine.  He wants to destroy the city not only from terror but from the inside out.

This isn’t to say that there’s not fallout remaining from The Dark Knight.  Batman remains on the run.  Bruce Wayne hasn’t been seen in a few years.  Wayne Enterprises certainly doesn’t boast the profits the company used to bring in.  While crime isn’t what it used to be, this doesn’t stop others from popping up every now and then.  Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway) uses the Dent Day party at Wayne Manor to steal Martha Wayne’s pearls.  Granted there’s an ulterior motive at play–Selina only does this to give Bruce Wayne’s prints to corporate rival John Daggett (Ben Mendelsohn).  Meanwhile, Bane and company have set up shop in the city’s sewer system.

the dark knight rises full movie

In what is the longest film in the trilogy (and probably just a tad bit too long), there is a lot happening.  Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Caine) resigns as the Wayne family’s longtime butler.  Bruce Wayne turns over his company to a new CEO, Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard).  A rookie cop, John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is one of Gotham’s honest cops and also assists commissioner James Gordon (Gary Oldman) in trying to save the city.  Everything comes to a climax in the film’s final hour.  Bruce Wayne/Batman, Selina Kyle/Catwoman, and Commissioner Gordon team up to save the day.  It doesn’t come easy but whatever it takes, right?

Let’s talk about the final few minutes of film.  Everything certainly comes together with concluding stories.  I like the way that it’s all spliced together and weaving in the various characters.  We also get some hope when one assumes the worst had happened.  I wouldn’t expect differently. Christian Bale also leaves his mark as Batman for an entire generation of movie goers.  Looking back at the last 30 years of live-action Batman films, it’s hard to find someone that can top him.  Listen, everyone manages to bring their own thing to the role but when you look at Bale, you really feel like you’re looking at Batman.  Maybe its because of how he prepares but something about Bale’s performance elevates the material in a different way.

Politically speaking, Bane certainly represents a movement.  His character is one who manages to lead Gotham’s residents to go against the government and the police.  All the while, Bruce Wayne is sent into a prison and Commissioner Gordon is forced into keeping a low profile.  In their absence, Bane terrorizes the city while Jonathan Crane (Cillian Murphy) is the jury and executioner.  There’s a lot more that can be said here but I’m not about to dive into it.

Aesthetically, the solid work keeps coming in terms of design, cinematography, editing, and score.  While James Newton Howard doesn’t return, Hans Zimmer keeps the spirit alive.  Where other composers might find a way to [ay homage to Danny Elfman’s iconic Batman score, Zimmer doesn’t.  He finds a way to make it his own.  Perhaps the most disappointing part of the film is taking Chicago out of the equation and moving the bulk of Gotham to Pittsburgh.  It may be a minor thing for some but as a viewer, we can easily tell the difference in the skyline and the city’s overall design. Christopher Nolan’s trilogy is one of the rare trilogies that manages to get it right.  Such trilogies usually manage to come with a misfire along the way.  This isn’t the case with this one as every film hits the right mark.  The Dark Knight Rises caps off the trilogy with a high but bittersweet note.

DIRECTOR:  Christopher Nolan SCREENWRITERS:  Jonathan Nolan and Christopher Nolan CAST: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Morgan Freeman

[brendaonao3]

Tom Hardy, Awesome Cuddler

I’m actively wasting time until my screening of Beautiful Boy starts, so - since so many people on my dash are feeling the Tom Hardy love right now - I thought I’d share my story about the time he scared the shit out of a teenage boy by offering cuddles.

Seriously.

So, this was about seven years ago, back when I was still doing PR, at the Warrior press junket for Lionsgate. The two important things to remember here are that 1) Tom was still filming The Dark Knight Rises at the time, so he was in full Bane-mode, all hulked out with the shaved head going on, and 2) Tom is also the biggest troll on the planet.

Anyway, our story starts in the elevator, with me, Tom, Joel (Edgerton), both of their handlers, one of the other publicists from Lionsgate and two poor random people all crammed in like sardines - especially with Tom’s shoulders taking up, like, most of the space. And the elevator is, for whatever reason, stopping on Every. Single. Floor.  No one’s getting off or on, it’s just being a Douglas Adams elevator and doing whatever the fuck it wants.

So, Tom and Joel are talking about their plans after the junket is over, and Joel mentions something about going for a swim...

Tom: You know how to swim, mate?

Joel: Yeah, of course, don't you?

Tom: Nah, I grew up where it rains and is cold all the time, can't swim

Me: You know, there are such things as indoor pools

Tom: (laughing) I totally thought you said there's such a thing as miracles, which this be one if I could swim

(cue Joel and I)

So, because we are literally stopping on EVERY FLOOR, and Tom is Tom, he starts getting all bouncy and antsy.  

Tom: I think we need to start cuddling everyone that gets on the elevator with us, who's with me?

Joel and me and Tom's handler: Um, what?

Tom: I dunno, I feel like having a cuddle, c'mon, let's do it

And, swear to fucking God, pulls his handler in for a hug, then turns to me and says, ‘get on in here’, which, okay, I’m always game to be hugged on by a cute guy, and it’s pretty much like getting snuggled by a very fluffy, friendly mack truck, if said mack truck has that crooked little grin and these wide-ass shoulders and massive upper body and a shaved head, and is wearing long shorts a black hoodie. (ie, Tom Hardy gives a GREAT fucking hug, 10/10 would recommend)

Joel (right after we're done hugging): Where's my cuddle, then?

Tom: (GREAT BIG GRIN) I got your cuddle right here...

And he playfully brings his fist up to Joel's jaw JUST AS the elevator doors open and this skinny, young teenage boy is just standing there all

Tom: (looking utterly delighted that he's got someone new to talk to) Hey, mate, come on in, I'm giving out cuddles

Teen: (looking at Tom like, oh my God, you were just punching someone and you look like you bench press tanks for fun) Nah, man, that's cool, I'll wait for the next elevator

Tom: (spreads his arms out as much as he can with the rest of us in the elevator) You sure, man, free hugs

Teen: (all backing up and wide-eyed) No, seriously, I'll wait

Meanwhile, Joel's laughing so hard I'm pretty sure he's going to hurt something, I'm just covering my mouth to hide the giggles and Tom’s poor handler is standing there all horrified and probably trying to figure out whether Tom could be sued if this poor kid drops dead of a frighten. 

Tom: (when the doors close, just shrugs and sighs) His loss (and then looks at me) You thought I was alright, right?

Me: (thinking seriously, how is this my life) Uh, sure, you rock the cuddles, he was probably just embarrassed, teenagers, y'know

Tom: Yeah, I'm going to embarrass the fuck out of my son when he gets to be that age, I know it

Me: Well, that's what parents are there for

Tom: (SUPER BIG GRIN) Yeah, you're alright

Anyway, there's no moral to this story other than Tom gives great cuddles and he really is a goofball in real life. And you totally know that this kid, as soon as he saw The Dark Knight Rises, kicked himself because he could have had a cuddle from BANE :D

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 301

Ermagherd guys. It’s been 84 years but the new season is finally here! And not gonna lie, I was about 50/50 excited and nervous for the new episodes to come out because ugh season two…

But I actually really liked the episode! I felt the things I was supposed to feel! I wanted to punch the people I thought I’d want to punch! I yelled a lot of things at Frank because I still hate him! My desire to smash the patriarchy grew three times! It went by really, really fast! Can they all go by this fast so it’s not like waiting 84 more years for Jamie and Claire to get back together? Cool.

Anywho, ramblings are under the cut. I split them up between Boston and Scotland just to keep it organized but I *loved* the editing of the episode. And the direction. Good job, new director guy!

(omfg i forgot how long i get when i write these things and also how fucking long it takes to like proofread and format once i’m sober...)

Scotland

There are no more bagpipes in the theme music and it’s making me feel things. *shakes fist at Bear in the best way possible*

The shot with all the bodies is powerful and everything but I can’t also help feeling a little salty that season two/DIA exists since lol nothing matters. They’re all dead and they were always going to be dead and I just really didn’t like last season but this is the new season sooo moving on.

The body they zoom over after the piles of bodies is Murtagh, right? Because it looks like Murtagh. And Amazon’s x-ray thing is telling me it’s Murtagh. So Murtagh’s not getting saved? Because when they talk about him later in the episode I got my hopes wayyy up that he was going to come back at some point in the season. So now I guess they’re going to have Jamie maybe remember later on? Like maybe keep the part on the ship after Claire is hurt when he tells her the story about how he dies? Anywho, I’m going to go have feelings about Murtagh now.

This killing of the wounded is the most brutal parallel to Prestonpans, guys. (RIP Lt. Babyface)

Also, Sam Heughan and Tom Hardy should star in a two-man show where Sam acts everything without speaking and Tom does the whole thing with his Bane/Mad Max/Dunkirk masks on so he like only has an eyebrow left visible.

Seriously though. Murder me with feels why don’t you, dying!Jamie.

And it’s not supposed to be a surprise that it’s BJR on top of him, right? Like they didn’t think they were going to make that a reveal or anything did they? Because like who the fuck else would it be...

I’m really glad they edited it this way with it all out of sequence and cutting back and forth and stuff though. Like Prestonpans was straightforward and it was awesome. But man does this just hit me in the “omg they’re all doomed and Jamie’s dying and that’s what he wants so badly so like I want him to get what he wants but he can’t die because #plot” feels. Plus the nod to the book where his memories of the battle are all jumbled.

JFC, BPC. STFU about your birthday cup. What the actual fuck is wrong with you. How are you so bad at this. It’s been more than a year since season two and I still just want to punch your very punchable face.

Ok I know Jamie at the stones is supposed to be all heartbreaking and moving and shit, and it is, I guess, as much as it can be in the 0.5 seconds we see him there. But him smelling Claire’s plaid just reminds me of this post and I lol’ed an inappropriate amount for the moment.

I *really* want to punch BPC’s “oh shit, we’re fucked” face. Like when Jamie tells him to order the charge while there’s still a chance and his face is just like that look of horror over what’s happening like WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS HAPPENING YOU FUCKING IDIOT WITH YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY CUP FROM YOUR DAD. LOOK THE FUCK AROUND YOU. THIS ISN’T A FUCKING GAME AND OMFG SOMEONE PLEASE PUNCH HIM.

Also inappropriately chuckling at Jamie murdering a dude with fucking divot, but moving on because…

MURTAGH!!! Omg both of their faces when they see each other and “Where’ve you been, enjoying a wee whisky?” *Murtagh casually kills a dude* “You’re welcome.” I JUST LOVE THE TWO OF THEM SO MUCH. Also, thanks for the heads up that the Lallybroch guys are home safe, Murtagh. Move over, Game of Thrones season seven. Outlander has had teleporting since the beginning.

Outlander: Where Time Travel Is Real, But Travel Time Isn’t

All that training in Je Suis Prest and they end up just charging in. Because lol nothing matters. But I did really like Je Suis Prest so whatever.

I’m not sure I like this weird “magic hour” lighting on the Jamie and BJR fight? Like I get if that’s just when they filmed it that’s one thing, and that their fight is like for *all the closure* so it’s almost separate from the rest of the battle. But I’m not feeling it?

Super glad that we do get that closure of seeing Jamie kill him though, and that Jamie remembers it so he can like process and move on from that part of his life.

Them landing like in a hug and then basically spooning is a bit on the nose though, show. Although like thanks I guess for having him keep Jamie alive and not bleeding out by literally laying on his wound?

Oh the dragonfly in amber. I’m still not a fan of the gifts at the stones thing from last year. But I guess I’m ok with him having something of Claire’s to hold on to so like when vision!Claire appears there’s like something physical tying her to him?

Also, vision!Claire is fucking stunning.

I swear to fuck Jamie thinking he’s seeing Claire in the early episodes is going to murder me.

“I’m not gonna leave ye to die in the mud. Even if ye are a pig-headed loon who canna hold his whisky.” “Drink you under the table.” Literally dying Jamie Fraser defending his alcohol tolerance is my new aesthetic. 

I’m glad they show him dropping the amber because like there goes his last physical memory of Claire. *sobs quietly* But also to show how it eventually ended up in the museum for Claire to see last season. Because I def thought they weren’t going to bring that back again and her seeing it last season was just a weird bit of haha look how this is here now for Claire to see! Feel things, monkey, feel the feelings! (That said, I don’t know if I like it enough to merit the time spent on it at the stones last year…)

Ok so I’m starting to think that Murtagh is really dead and that really was him that we saw on the ground at the beginning and they’re just bringing him up again to established that no one knows what happens to him so they can go back later in the season and have Jamie remember him dying and then I’ll have all the Murtagh feelings.

(Seriously though, please fucking save Murtagh!)

I really, *really* love Rupert in the scenes in the house. I love that they let him step up and, with Jamie out of commission, really become the leader of these men. His “No, my lord. Traitors all. Shall we be hanged then.” has just that right amount of fuck you in it, but his “Thank you, my lord.” is definitely genuine. Like yeah, he’s going to die, but at least it’s an honorable man who’s going to kill him in an honorable way?

Seriously though, I love Hal.

Ugh, Jamie saying “she’s gone.” That’s going to be a thing isn’t it. Like with Jenny and then with LJG. And it’s going to murder me every time isn’t it. Ok.

The goodbye with Rupert is my everything. The humor and feelings and Angus and omg. I have feelings.

And the way Rupert’s voice changes when he says “aye.” And when he says his name. Guys why is my face wet.

“No man in the king’s custody will be shot lying down on my watch.” I fucking love you, Hal.

Gah, the way Jamie’s voice changes and becomes stronger when he says his name, like Rupert’s did. It’s like it’s their chance to go out with all of their dignity. But then Jamie’s fades because he’s so weak. *sobs*

“Does the name John Grey mean anything to you?” “Well no, because even though he gave your father’s name and title plus his birth order last year, so he clearly wasn’t trying to hide his identity or anything, the writers decided to keep him in the script as William Grey. There really was no reason to do that. They could have just made him John Grey from the start. But they didn’t. For reasons I will never understand. So no, the name John Grey means nothing to me. Good day, sir. I said good day.”

Gah like Jamie is so sad that I really want to shoot him and put him out of his misery but I also want ep. 306 so thanks for being noble af, Hal.

I am def going to start using “This is a deuce of a situation.” in my everyday life.

Oh hey, Jenny and Ian. See you next week!

Boston

Ok but that first shot of Claire. Like that resigned look that this is her life now and she’s trying to convince herself that she’s ok with it. And the little sigh like “ok I can do this” but like more that she thinks she *needs* to do this. Break my heart a little right there, Claire. Also, please leave Frank so you can take the time you need to heal and grieve and process instead of keeping it all bottled up inside to live up to some “conditions” because that’s really not healthy.

“Are you sure we can afford all this?” “Oh totally, you see we need to have enough room to like fit the camera operators in and the sound guys and the rest of the crew and some lighting stuff and also it looks way better on TV if we have space to move around so we can definitely afford this wicked spacious house. Gotta save the cramped conditions for prisons and ships and stuff. Don’t worry about the rent, dear.”

No shade at all meant on the set. I’m just silly.

“You’ve always said you wanted a real home.” “It certainly is real.” BUT IT'S NOT HOME BECAUSE JAMIE IS HER HOME AND JAMIE ISN'T HERE. *has feelings*

“The study can be wherever the lady of the house desires.” … “The kitchen, where presumably, the lady of the house will be rustling up various appetizing dishes.” Yes, Claire, you’re the lady of the house! You can totally decide where my study is going to be! But lol your place is in the kitchen because you’re a woman and that’s what women do! Fuck you, Frank.

I almost like the handful of scenes where Claire and Frank are getting along on the surface because it’s almost like a window into what their life was like pre-War. And in each instance, I cannot see Claire being happy in that sort of relationship long term even if she hadn’t gone through the stones. Like your cowboy impression is cute, Frank, but your tendency to treat your wife like an accessory instead of a person is not.

That said, WHO THE FUCK CARES BECAUSE IT’S NOT FRANK’S STORY AND WE DON’T NEED TO SEE WHO THEY WERE BEFORE BECAUSE IT’S NOT A STORY ABOUT FRANK AND CLAIRE.

Ok so seeing Claire struggling to light the stove gave me the same feelings the gif did. But seeing her sit on the couch and then see the fireplace I was just like OMG DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT! AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! @abreathofsnowandashes’ POST IS BASICALLY CANON AND I LITERALOL’ED WAY TOO HARD.

Claire waxing poetic about food cooked over an open fire is making me feel more feelings than it should.

But seriously her face in reaction to Betty Draper over here is awesome. I need Claire to start a neighborhood group where she turns all the women into massive feminists please and thank you.

“He likes surprises, does he?” “Oh yeah, totally. Last time I surprised him, he almost punched me and then destroyed a shed. So yeah, I’d say he loves them."

Please don’t give Jerry a heart attack, Millie. Claire already had one husband-murdering friend and I think that’s quite enough for one person. Thanks. You’re a peach.

Oh Claire. Oh honey. “Frank is very progressive. Very open-minded.” The look on her face when she says that like she’s trying to convince herself it’s true. Like yes, if you follow all of his conditions, you can stay together and raise the baby. But is it really being open-minded if literally all of his conditions are about you keeping everything locked away so he can go on pretending like everything is back to normal? Or is that just selfish. I’m voting selfish on that one.

“Just cook, clean, raise the kids, look pretty when they meet the boss.” Millie you are literally describing Frank’s ideal wife right now. And I think Claire on some level knows that. RUN AWAY CLAIRE, RUN AWAY! IT’S NOT TOO LATE! THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT ARE NOT TIME-TRAVEL RELATED! PLEASE WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT NOT ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS ARE BECAUSE YOU WENT BACK IN TIME!

Oh her face when Millie says she won’t find another man like Frank. SHE FOUND ONE SO MUCH BETTER AND HE’S NOT DEAD AND SHE’LL GET HIM BACK AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK AGAIN!

Seriously though. The shots of Claire’s face when they switch back to the Boston side of things. Punch me right in the face with feels why don’t you, show. Like when she’s getting ready to go to Frank’s work thing. That cut from Jamie’s face that’s all full of pain to her face that’s also all full of pain. *sobs quietly* Like this woman is hurting! FFS! Look at everything she went through! Look at everything she lost! And she has no outlet for any of those emotions! And that look of just pain and loneliness and then resignation when Frank calls up to her and quoting Millie… I want to give her a hug and a therapist.

Ok so the scene at Harvard. Thank fuck Frank manages to not be a piece of shit in this scene because I need all my rage for the fucking Dean. I still hate you Frank, but you get a momentary reprieve here. Because this fucking dude needs to be punched in his smug-ass face. Like you’re seriously going to shit on a woman for reading the fucking newspaper?! First of all, don’t fucking ever shit on a woman for reading any-fucking-thing and second of all, your patriarchal bullshit runs so deep you can’t stand a woman reading the most popular newspaper in Boston?! It’s not like she rolled in and was like well I was reading the Atlantic (founded in Boston, what whatttt!) or the Economist or something that your fucking misogynist brain wouldn’t be able to handle. She was literally talking about reading a fucking #HotTake in the fucking local paper.

THAT’S RIGHT CLAIRE, YOU CAN GO TO MED SCHOOL! YOU SHOULD GO TO MED SCHOOL! DO THAT THING AND THEN SURGICALLY DISASSEMBLE THE PATRIARCHY!

Good boy, Frank. Way to stand up for your wife and not suck for once. But remember that little fun fact you just spouted about your wife because that’ll come up again later when I need to yell at you for being a piece of shit.

Omg though. Claire’s face when she says “yes, I’m very happy” is the best “you can go fuck yourself straight to hell” face I’ve ever seen. And grabbing Frank’s hand when she says it is clearly part of that and not like an actual, genuine taking of his hand and he knows that. And I don’t feel bad for him at all in that moment because yeah, he fucking needs that reminder that she’s sitting through this because of him so a tangential fuck you to you, Frank, for bringing me here for this wonderful experience.

"Are you alright? You're very quiet.” “Oh yeah, peachy keen. Just got condescended to for reading a newspaper, was told women were bad at the profession I was born to do and had to pretend to be totally ok with this being my life now. Totally fine.”

For serious, Claire. Your face there. Those feelings you’re feeling. These are not time travel adventure related feelings. These are this life sucks and I hate it feelings. You don’t need to stay here. This is getting super tedious. Frank sucks. Your life with him sucks. You have all this emotional baggage that you have every right to have and no outlet for it. Jamie wouldn’t want you staying in a fucking life that is making you this miserable. The baby hasn’t been born yet, there is still time to bounce before it gets even messier. Argh. Thank fuck there are only two more episodes of this stuff because there are only so many times I can yell JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE at the tv.

I felt more feelings than I should have felt at Claire looking at the bird. Like omg Claire’s face as she’s looking at it. Just out there. Being a bird. Doing its bird thing. Being free. YOU COULD BE FREE TOO CLAIRE! GO! BE FREEEEE!

Ok with this tea scene I literally had to google how British people make tea. Like I know I’ve talked about it with people before, like recently, but somehow in my head it wasn’t just like loose in a tin. I can’t even do a proper snarky hashtag about preferring the American way tea is packaged because that would make it seem like I was into a weird sex thing so I guess I’ll just have to blaspheme by saying I like Lipton’s and I’m not sorry.

So Claire likes America because "It's young, it's eager, it's constantly looking toward the future." Or, you could say it's...young, scrappy and hungry! Claire would totally be Hamiltrash. Frank wouldn't be. Fuck you, Frank, it’s a great show. Loosen up, geez.

Ok Frank, why did you go to touch her belly. You clearly know that she doesn’t like that. But you saw an opening when she said it’s “our baby” and you went for it. Like I know you really, really want things to be normal, but fucking don’t proactively touch Claire like that when you know it’s not welcome.

Also, seriously Frank? Have you met Claire? Yes, she’s English. But she grew up fucking all over the world. I don’t think she’s particularly sentimentally attached to the fucking Battle of Hastings. She’s trying to have a conversation with you. She’s opening up. She’s trying to be “normal” with you and share something she’s excited about doing. And your first thing is to question her? Fuck you. You’re a shitty person.

“These are things I fought a war for.” Ok Franky boy. Remember that scene a little bit ago when I said you got a reprieve from my hatred? You know, the one where you found like the singular decent bone in your body and decided to defend Claire for a second? Remember what it was you said? Oh right. SHE WAS A FUCKING COMBAT NURSE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. SHE WAS ALSO IN THE WAR. SHE WAS ON THE FUCKING FRONT FUCKING LINES OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAR. And then guess what?! SHE FUCKING THEN FOUGHT IN ANOTHER WAR! THIS TIME AGAINST THE ENGLISH! AND EVERYONE SHE LOVED DIED! (except not really, hang in there girl) IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL THAT SHE WOULD HAVE CONFLICTED FEELINGS ABOUT ENGLAND AND BE LIKE HEY THIS UNITED STATES PLACE SEEMS OK (*pours one out for the current state of affairs*) I WANT TO MAYBE BE A CITIZEN.

And then this fucker’s like oh it’s something you really want to do? Well you don’t have to because I’ve got it covered. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT, FRANK! STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU! SHE’S LITERALLY SAYING THAT THIS IS SOMETHING *SHE* WANTS TO DO. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TWATWAFFLE.

And then he brings in the not letting him touch her shit. Like why couldn’t you have just let this be a fucking normal conversation, Frank. But since you brought it up. Let’s talk about Claire for a minute. Claire is pregnant. Claire was pregnant before. Claire lost her first child. Claire’s current pregnancy is going to result in Jamie’s child. Her fucking last chance to have a part of him in her life. So of course that’s something that’s fucking super emotional and that she’s super protective of. Because she also knows that she can’t fucking tell this child anything about Jamie. Because of your fucking conditions. Like I don’t think you can comprehend how much of a mindfuck that must be, Frank. So maybe don’t fucking touch her stomach if she’s made it clear she doesn’t want you to.

And then! With the fucking unwanted touching. Do you fucking know how many times this woman has been assaulted, Frank?! Hell, the show is not at all explicit that she wasn’t actually raped in the glade in ep. 108. And the deal with the king. And BJR. And the dudes at Leoch. And fucking Dougal. And the gang of dudes in Paris. And ones I’m probably forgetting about. So like if there was ever going to be anyone who might be wicked sensitive about unwanted touching, it’s fucking Claire. BUT GUESS WHAT! AND THIS IS THE KICKER, FRANK! THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY DON’T WANT YOU TOUCHING THEM THEN YOU DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THEM IT IS LITERALLY THAT SIMPLE.

And of course she’s retreating into her shell, you fucking asshole. The amount of trauma this woman has gone through with no fucking outlet to deal with it. Of course she’s fucking isolating herself. But instead of being concerned about her and trying to help her, you’re just like omfg but what about meeeee?! Why can’t you just be “normal” for meeee?!

“What is it that you want from me?” “I want to know when you’re going to come back from the fucking past.” Fuuuuuck you, Frank. Because you’re asking when she’s going to go back to being how she was before. Well newsflash, Frank. She’s not. You’re never going to get your pre-War relationship back where Claire was 19 and thought you were the swellest guy. Because that’s what you want here. Stop fucking deluding yourself Frank, there aren’t enough conditions in the world to bring that girl back. So now you have this woman. Who is tearing herself apart from the inside trying to fucking live up to her side of your bullshit bargain. And at every turn you’re like nope, not good enough.

FUCKING PREACH IT. CLAIRE. PREACH.

I fucking love that she throws the ashtray at him because he again reduces what she had with Jamie to fucking. He’s been doing it since last season. He just can’t get his shitty-ass head around the fact that Claire loves Jamie with everything she has. It’s a great parallel to when Claire loses it at Bree in ep. 213 when Bree also says that Claire was just fucking another guy because she was a bored housewife. I fucking love how protective she is of what she has with Jamie.

Seriously though, fuck you Frank. You’re asking her to be something she's not and then blaming her for not doing it well enough. Yes, she should have left you, but you’re also an asshole.

And yeah, Frank didn’t like hogtie her and force her to come to Boston. But Jamie sent her to Frank so she went, all shattered and hollow, to Frank. And Frank was like oh cool, I can get my wife back like nothing ever happened and so yeah, clearly staying together is a great idea. You know, on my terms. Which you’ll agree to because you’re all like shattered and hollow. But Claire, you’re now far enough removed that you SHOULD JUST FUCKING LEAVE BECAUSE THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WORKING AND JAMIE WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO BE THIS FUCKING UNHAPPY. AND GUESS WHAT HE IS ALSO NOT HERE ANYMORE SO YOU TRIED BUT IT’S NOT WORKING AND UGH JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY.

Gah, we have two more episodes before my best friend in the world, Ms. Ice E. Road, shows up and rids me of my Frank-rage once and for all.

Please for the love of fuck make it once and for all because omfg it’s not Frank’s story and it’s never been Frank’s story so can Frank please just die and stay dead. KThxBai.

*sacrifices a goat that Tobias gets a kickass leading role in something that keeps him unavailable for the foreseeable future*

Why is Frank’s face just giant on the screen. Like why is it still there. It’s still there guys. I’m not even typing that fast and it’s still there. Make it go away.

Ok I’m calling bullshit here. There is no way in fuck that house doesn’t have a second bedroom. Like if you aren’t sleeping in Claire’s bed, go to the fucking guest room. You get no pity from me for all the noise that comes with sleeping on the couch.

Ok like we knew they were keeping in Frank’s request to the reverend to research Jamie because Roger and Bree find it in ep. 213 and that’s how they know he’s alive. But in all my feelings about ep. 213, I forgot that it meant that I still get to hate Frank for doing it. But luckily there’s a scene in this episode where he starts writing the original letter! So fuck you, Frank, for being so shitty to Claire about not talking about her time in the past, but you’ll write to your buddy to research it!

Although I definitely don’t like that it’s the reverend’s research that let’s them know Jamie survived. Because that means Frank is kind of responsible for it. But at least they nixed the stupid placing a fake headstone bullshit. Still no brownie points for you, Frank.

I’m glad that Frank finds out about the miscarriage but doesn’t get details about Faith. Like oh hey, here’s another detail about how my life with Jamie was real and loving and yeah, we lost a child together and it was traumatic af so just get that through your head. But also it’s such a personal thing between her and Jamie that I really don’t want Frank to get all the details.

“I’m sorry I didn't tell you about the miscarriage.” “None of that matters now.” Frank you could have picked literally any other set of words. Any other words to get your point across besides “it doesn't matter.” Because I know you're talking about Claire not telling you and not the miscarriage itself, but she's talking about her first daughter. Who matters a great deal.

I HATE THIS DOCTOR WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT IS THAT EVEN LEGAL DO I NEED TO GO DOWN A RABBITHOLE AND FIND THIS OUT WHERE IS THE CALL THE MIDWIFE CREW WHEN YOU NEED THEM SORRY FOR JOKING WHEN WHAT THE DOCTOR DID TO CLAIRE IS 1000% UNACCEPTABLE.

Omfg I cannot even imagine waking up and not knowing where your baby is or if they’re alive or dead. I definitely can’t imagine going through that twice. Like omfg when you put it next to Faith, it’s just like *ugly cries*.

“I’ve been so horrible to you.” But have you, Claire? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been doing the best you can. And Frank’s been making you feel like you’ve been horrible. Because he’s a shitty, shitty person. But seriously. You should have left him. But it’s kind of too late now because apparently you both seem to think Bree will somehow make everything better. Right. Definitely. That’s totally going to be what happens.

*only two more episodes of this, only two more episodes of this*

“Where’d she get the red hair?” Bless you, rando nurse. Blesss.

[diemondgrimm]

five characters, tom hardy edition: Bane; Eames; Mad Max; Tuck; Shinzon

SPOILERS

I knew this was gunna happen right away and i was gunna have one of the toughest times of my life.

Alright well, here goes.(*panics because i love them all*)

5. is Tuck, honestly this movie made me so upset that tuck didn’t win! Like, he was sooooo sweet and nice i loved him! But at the same time, his Lil paint ball loving self never really impressed me. It felt like tom was doing the “okay i have to get one chick flick under my belt” and went for it just to convince himself he could.Damn could he, but we also found out what tom was really good at and that’s those angsty characters.

4. Shinzon is not my least favorite Tom, he’s just a bit young for me now it feels like.But that’s funny because i remember being a itty kid, when my dad had the VHS, and he was watching it (my whole family is a bunch of Star Trek and wars nerds) and i stopped. Probably took out my earbuds and was like. “Oh snap, who dat boi” cause he was just so angry. So full of rage and hate towards one of the sweetest old man actors ever and i ATE IT UP. The anger he expressed and i adored probably says a lot about who i was at that time. But i wanted him tortured, to feel that rage. And i dont know, there’s something beautiful about any guy in purple leather suits stuff

I definetly ADORE Max, his stoic behavior, grunting, the added bonus of universal doner (yah never know) and his ability to get along with the galls and also kick ass. He’s psycho, but all the best Max’s out there are. His few words sadden me because his voice is SO HOT, in this movie! Like wth,!,? Also he’s with my second fave female actress of all time (yum yum Charlize!) but ssrsly like who decided he was aloud to be this beautiful and rugged and that five o clock shadowwwww Uhhhhhgh.I adore him i really do. Which is why he is tied for second on my list.With the incredibly fashionable…

Eames, this cutie, with a sass mouth that makes me wanna boop him and do a couple other unmentionables.. well he is a fantastically well developed and adorable character. He’s grumpy but it’s all show because he enjoys humans and he loves his job. It’s hard for me not to get a kick out of his whole blonde alter ego either. Basically the perfect man for my bisexual ass.

Bane. He’s the only one left, the only one who when i watch him, i still wanna cry every time (his death sucked I’m so angry). He’s a man who does everything for the woman he loves, a woman who embodied innocence and he saved her because all he wanted was to be redeemed. Now he’s stuck on some crazy road to destroying Gotham and truth be told this is the most manipulated man ever in my opinion. I adore him for his cruelty, because he wants to break batman, he wants to BREAK things because he feels so broken by Talia al ghul. Also let’s talk about acting. HOLYSHEEET. What tom does with those eyes and let’s be honest his body language and just how MASSIVE he is is one of the sexiest things you’ve ever seen. His wardrobe.The little grabby thing he does with his jacket.The knitting !!His stupid amazing hit the column moment we’re he gets angry and just PUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCH. Yes!!Plus the whole time he’s on screen it’s covering those goddamn perfect lips and You just wanna rip that mask off. Which gives it even more power. *shivers* oooohlaala, anywho. Last but not least. His voice is sexy. Idfk it’s so great.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Home Edition May 15, 2020 – S.C.O.O.B., CAPONE, CASTLE IN THE GROUND and more!

I have to admit that I’m getting a little weary of writing this weekly column covering movies that would barely have gotten a theatrical release BEFORE COVID, but I’m gonna do my best to stay motivated, even if it might be two months or more before we get any sort of theatrical experience again. I have a feeling this will be a shorter column than usual (Hallelujah!), and honestly, I really didn’t find any movie I liked enough to feature this week, so…

I wasn’t able to get the screener for Warner Bros’ new animated S.C.O.O.B. in time to review before this column sees the light of … inside people’s homes … on Wednesday, but the studio is taking the approach of Universal with its PVOD hit, Trolls World Tour. Hopefully, they won’t awaken the ire of AMC and the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO) as Universal has, but this updated and animated origin story for Scooby Doo will be available to buy for $19.99 vs. renting for $14.99.

 If I do get a chance to watch before Friday, I’ll add a review here (so check back!), but I’m looking forward to seeing it, especially knowing it will include a few other Hanna Barbera characters like the Blue Falcon, voiced by Mark Wahlberg. (Plus Shaggy is voiced by Will Forte, who is always hilarious.) Oh, and the film is directed by Tom Cervone, who has produced and directed so many great TV cartoons, including Duck Dodgers and the Looney Tunes Show.

REVIEW: Check back soon!

Tom Hardy plays famed Chicago mobster Al Capone in Josh Trank’s CAPONE (Vertical), which follows Capone late in his life, after he’s been released from prison and is quarantined at his palatial Florida mansion where he slowly descends into dementia while the FBI tries to uncover where he’s hidden a huge amount of money that seems to have gone missing. I was rather mixed on this film, which I’m sure is gonna be seen as this year’s Gotti. I didn’t think Josh Trank, who famously fucked up the last Fantastic Four movie, does a bad job with the material, but it’s just not the greatest point in Capone’s life to make a movie about. I had been looking forward to seeing Tom Hardy as Capone, especially knowing what he puts into every role since I first saw him in Bronson, but I don’t think I needed to see him stumbling around and mumbling incoherently with a carrot in his mouth … and yes, he deliberately shits in his pants under questioning at one point in the movie and accidentally a few other times. (Anyone who has been through medical treatment, like for cancer, will realize that being unable to get to a bathroom fast enough is a recurring problem, particularly in dementia sufferers, so it’s a little infuriating this has become the #1 pejorative against the movie.)

For all of Hardy’s amazing performances over the years, his take on Capone during this part of his life just goes too far into trying to create authenticity by being even harder to understand than even his original Bane dialogue, and that’s a major problem. I’m not sure if he did this thinking that it might get him an Oscar nomination ala Gary Oldman in The Darkest Hour or other similar portrayals of real people. Again, he should be lucky if it isn’t compared to John Travolta in Gotti.

As far as the rest of the cast, Kyle MacLachlan has the biggest role as Capone’s most trusted confidante, while Noel Fisher plays his son. Blink and you’ll miss Matt Dillon, who isn’t in the movie very much other than one of its few sex scenes. I wanted to like Linda Cardellini as “Fonzo’s” wife Mae, but this was almost the exact same character she played in the Oscar-winning, Green Book, which most will know was one of my favorite movies that year. It’s almost like she’s being typecast as a classic Italian-American period housewife, which is disappointing. Ultimately, it’s a combination of weaker material and Hardy’s method-y performance that causes Capone’s downfall as a movie to be on par with the way the notorious gangster faded away both literally and mentally after being released from prison.

Alex Wolff and Imogen Poots star in Joey Klein’s CASTLE IN THE GROUND (Gravitas Ventures), Wolff playing Henry, a small-town teenager whose mother is fighting cancer. When he befriends his off-the-wall neighbor (Poots), he ends up getting dragged into her world of opioid addiction and violence.

I was generally unimpressed with this movie, since it seemed like another one of those twee indie films we frequently see at Tribeca – in fact, this premiered at Toronto last year. I feel like I should have liked this movie more, since I find Poots to be a fascinating actor, same with Wolff, but this one just doesn’t connect or come together at all. I didn’t find any of the characters particularly compelling, and Klein seems to be trying to jam in  a lot of different elements such as Henry’s Hassidic Jewishness into the movie, but that seems to be an unnecessary tangent that doesn’t fit into the overall narrative. Neve Campbell plays Henry’s mother, Rebecca, and I’m not sure I would have even recognized her if not for the press notes. Otherwise, I don’t have a ton to say about a movie that covers ground that’s been covered far better in many other indie movies. This one is quite forgettable and not really mandatory viewing.

Visual effects animator Eric Demeusy’s directorial debut, the sci-fi thriller PROXIMITY (Shout! Studios), stars Ryan Masson as Isaac, a young NASA JPL (Jet Propulsion Laboratory) scientist abducted by aliens, who becomes obsessed with finding proof of his journey when nobody believes him. It’s the feature debut from the award-winning VFX artist who has worked on Stranger Things and Game of Thrones, and actually, it’s not a bad little sci-fi movie. I mean, it isn’t small by any means, and it has pretty decent production values over all that makes it seem like Demeusy could be ready to direct bigger studio movies, although it does have some issues. I did enjoy that it’s a bit of a throwback to sci-fi movies of the ‘80s like War Games and Close Encounters, plus I’m always up for a decent alien abduction movie, and this one isn’t bad. I had some issues with the writing and the number of clichés pulled out, and it takes some adjusting to the inexperienced Masson and his low-key performance as the lead. (I will admit that the film drifts further and further away from those clichés as it goes along, particularly when it throws in some action and moves the story to Costa Rica.) My bigger problem was with the music, which tended to be so overblown, going between very loud and boisterous orchestral music (almost stock music, more suitable for a ‘50s sci-fi film) and cheesy pop songs. I’m sure these were intentional nods on Demeusy’s part, but it definitely takes the movie into the lamer territory we frequently see from Hollywood studio films and away from the cooler recent sci-fi films like Arrival and Annihilation. If you’re a fan of the sci-fi genre, you should be able to find things to like about Proximity. I’ll certainly be curious to see if Demeusy can use this as a calling card towards bigger things. You can find all the “Watch at Home” links on the Official Site.

Cristóbal León and Joaquín Cociña’s THE WOLF HOUSE (KimStim) was one of the press screenings I saw before everything went to hell. It’s a Chilean stop-motion animated film that puts a spin on the “Three Little Pigs,” tying it into the infamous torture colony, known as Colonia Dignidad, which had been imprisoning, torturing and killing dissidents under the Pinochet regime. It deals with a young woman named Maria who hides in a constantly evolving house in Southern Chile after escaping from German religious fanatics.  This was one of the last press screenings I saw before the NY theatrical shut down, and I found it infinitely fascinating and haunting as the filmmakers used an endless amount of media and formats to create the animation that flows between 2-and-3 dimensionality so easily you’ll often wonder how they did it. I’m not sure I was able to understand all of the political undertones so much, since I know every little about Chilean politics or history but it’s quite an accomplished achievement that is sure to astound fans of animation as an artform. The film is in Spanish and German, and there’s a fantastic introduction that explains how Chile’s European ex-pats contribute to the country’s community and how it differs from other neighboring countries. (This is also definitely more for an arthouse film than something to watch with the kids ala most Hollywood animated films.) Following its NY Premiere at Film at Lincoln Center’s “Neighboring Scenes” program earlier this year, The Wolf House will be available through Virtual Cinema for Anthology Film Archives in New York (where it was supposed to open in March) and the Laemmle theaters in L.A. You can see the full list of participating theaters and get links to watch the movie on the KimStim site.

Doc distributor Abramorama has created a new “mind body soul” imprint called Mangurama, and this week, they’re releasing a 10-part docu-series, The Road to Dharma – Riders of the Himalayas, with the first two episodes offered for free on Apple TV and Prime right now. It’s written, produced and directed by Adam Schomer, which follows a group of people who go on a motorcycle adventure across the cliffs of the Himalayas, led by a Himalayan Master who pushes them to face their own fears. You can learn more about this series at the Official Site.

Film at Lincoln Center continues its Virtual Cinema with another repertory addition with Nanni Moretti’s 1993 film Cara Diario (Film Movement) which played at the 32nd New York Film Festival. Moretti stars in the film himself as he goes on three journeys through Italy, the first on a scooter in Rome, musing on cinema and meeting Jennifer Beals. His next journey takes him and his friend, Renato Carpentieri, looking for a place to write a screenplay, and the third involves Moretti visiting doctors to get a skin rash diagnosed.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Let’s begin with this week’s Netflix options, which includes the David Spade rom-com, THE WRONG MISSY, co-starring Lauren Lapkus as Missy and Sarah Chalke. The premise is that Spade’s character falls for a woman, whom he to his company’s corporate retreat, except that he sent the invite to the… wait for it… WRONG MISSY! Get it? Having just recently seen The Do-Over, I’m not sure how I feel about Spade still having a career thanks to his long-time pal, Adam Sandler, but I’ll probably give this a look when it streams starting Friday. Oh, yeah, and Rob Schneider is in this one, too.. not sure that’s a good or bad thing.

Although I’m way behind on catching up on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I’m pretty excited about the longer form “make your own adventure” episode, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. the Reverend, which will include guests like Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm.

Hitting Amazon this week is Seberg (Amazon Prime Video), Benedict Andrews’ sadly-overlooked drama, starring Kristen Stewart as French New Wave star, Jean Seberg, as it deals with her involvement in J. Edgar Hoover’s FBI investigation of the Black Panthers in the late ‘60s due to her affair with activist Hakim Jamal, as played by Anthony Mackie. I feel like this movie really didn’t get the push it deserved when it was given a one-week theatrical last year and even less when it reopened earlier this year. This features some of Stewart’s best acting in my opinion, and love hearing about this little known story about American history.

Panama’s first-ever horror film Diablo Rojo PTY debuts on Amazon this week. The debut feature of Sol Moreno, the film deals with the Costa Rican and Panamanian folklore surrounding the legend of La Tuliveja, a cursed woman who drowned her own son and haunts the river where he died. It follows a “Diablo  Rojo” bus driver, his helper, a priest and two policemen who fall under a spell when they get lost in the Chiriqui jungle and have to survive the creatures the face on the road.

Probably the cable show I’m most excited about this week is TBS’s SNOWPIERCER show that will premiere on Sunday night. Based on the Bong Joon-ho adaptation of a French graphic novel, this sci-fi series about a miles-long train speeding through the frozen tundra the earth has some pretty awesome stars in Daveed Diggs, Jennifer Connelly, Lena Hall and many, many more.

Apparently, Hulu also has a new series debuting on Friday called The Great from one of the co-writers of The Favourite, but I haven’t received one Email about this, so yeah, Hulu needs to get better publicity, cause the one(s) they’re currently using kinda suck.

Also, don’t forget that the virtual Oxford Film Festival is still going on and in its fourth weekend of premiering new features and short films! This week’s offerings are Christopher Wesley Moore’s horror-thriller, A Stranger Among the Living, about a young teacher who has a premonition of a school shooting that stops it from happening until phantoms show up to make his omen come true. (Sounds very Final Destination to me, which is very cool!) Also, the “American Lens Narrative Shorts” will premiere with six shorts including a documentary short called “Dick Pics!” as well as the second block of “Fest Forward” shorts, and remember that all of these will have live Q&As, which is not something other virtual fests (like SXSW and Tribeca) have been doing. Most of these will only be available for a week so don’t miss some great filmmaking. You can get tickets for all these movies and their Q&As at Eventive, as well as watch some of previous week’s offerings.

Next week, more movies and shows not in theaters!

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!

[localdstvinstaller]

From Tim Burton’s iconic Batman to the baseball-bat swinging Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad, DC Comics superheroes and their villainous counterparts have been lighting up the box office since the 50s. With the launch of the M-Net Movies DC Heroes pop-up channel for DStv Premium subscribers, which is also available to stream on DStv Now, we’ve ranked every live-action DC comic movie ever!*

30. Stamp Day for Superman (1954)

Superman takes time from fighting crime to promote war stamps, used to fund the fight against the Axis powers of World War II. So it’s not the worst movie on this list, but it’s not actually a movie either - just something designed to be shown in cinemas.

29. The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

This movie had about as much budget as the Joker has sanity. With that in mind, it does a respectable job. But only with that in mind - otherwise, this is just an awful low-budget monstrosity.

28. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Everyone had lost interest in making another Superman. But they were contracted to make one, so we got a fourth movie starring the man of steel. Its most memorable moment is how bad the special effects of the finale are. Yikes.

27. Catwoman (2004)

The first Batman character to get their own movie (other than Bats), there was a lot of hope for Catwoman’s maiden outing. Alas, very little is right here. It opted to invent its own story for the character, but just made a mess of everything. Not even Halle Berry could save it.

26. Batman & Robin (1997)

This movie shouldn’t be ranked so low. It’s funny and has some entertaining villains. But you know what? The entire thing was motivated to sell action figures. Seriously. Even the director apologised for it.

25. Steel (1997)

Back in 1997 nobody wanted to make comic book movies, not unless it was Batman. Steel, already a B-list DC character, got a low-budget straight-to-video movie. It doesn’t help that Shaq, who plays Steel, is not as good at acting as he is at basketball…

Download the DStv Now app from the Android or iOS.

24. Jonah Hex (2010)

If comic book movies teach us anything, it’s that actors should stick to the genre. It worked for Ryan Reynolds, Chris Evans and Ben Affleck. Ditto for Josh Brolin, who has portrayed three comic book characters. But even though he was a cool Jonah Hex, the movie not so much…

23. Green Lantern (2011)

Some comic characters are relatively simple and easy to put into a movie. Green Lantern is not, yet this movie wanted to make things even more confusing. Even Ryan Reynolds started making fun of it in his other films.

22. Superman and the Mole Men (1951)

It’s the 1950s, things are still in black and white, and Superman has the time to work out squabbles between frightened small-town people and underground creatures with big eyebrows. Most memorable as the first Superman movie and perhaps the first-ever true superhero movie.

21. Batman: The Movie (1966)

Back in its day, this was a big hit. But it’s really a case of “you had to be there”. Shot after the success of Season 1 of Adam West’s Batman, it’s a whole movie of WHAM! BANG! POW! and 60s pin-up girls gyrating with the dark knight to surf music. No, we’re not making any of this up.

20. Superman III (1983)

Superman III would have been forgotten today, were it not for three things: the Superman vs Superman fight, Richard Pryor’s non-stop jokes, and that scary android woman created by Lex Luthor’s supercomputer. Oh, and Superman dumping a frozen lake on a chemical fire. Ah, the 80s.

19. Supergirl (1984)

Superman’s cousin comes to Earth to retrieve a powerful artefact, while a wannabe witch uses it to amplify her powers. The result is a weird tale that stumbles and jumps through plot holes, but it’s still entertaining. Fun fact: Supergirl actress Helen Slater later played Superman’s biological mom in Smallville.

18. Suicide Squad (2016)

It is overstuffed, convoluted and had some nondescript bad guys that nobody can remember. Too much icing on too little cake. On the other hand, the main cast of characters are really cool and the soundtrack rocked, so it has a place in some fans’ hearts.

How to register for DStv Now.

17. Swamp Thing (1982)

It’s the DC movie you’ve never heard of - and the DC character you’ve never heard of. This quirky comedy would have been lost to time, were it not a campy cult masterpiece directed by Wes Craven long before he created Freddy Krueger.

16. Batman Returns (1992)

Tim Burton’s second Batman film is a little overproduced and lacks that raw shine of the original. But Michelle Pfeiffer is still the best Catwoman to appear in a movie and Danny DeVito is the perfect Penguin. Yet leave it to Christopher Walken to play a villain with no mask and no powers, yet still be the meanest thing in Gotham.

15. Batman Forever (1995)

Joel Schumacher’s first go at the Batman world is a clear hat-tip to the 60s era of the character. It was more fun and camp, and who doesn’t like George Clooney’s smirking Bruce Wayne, or Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones as Riddler and Two-Face? But it was a little too much at times...

14. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

The hopes were really high for this film and it was never going to please everyone. Lex Luthor’s inane and complicated plan sucks a lot of wind from its sails. On the other hand, the Batman combat scene not only saves the movie but shows why Ben Affleck is great as the character.

13. Watchmen (2009)

There are very few graphic novels more revered and complex than this epic - and director Zack Snyder tries to fit every bit of it into his film. Yet even after cutting a major sub-plot, Watchmen is still a long and dense experience. It’s got its fans, but like the comic, is the antithesis of superheroes. That’s not for everyone.

12. Justice League (2017)

Justice League isn’t perfect and its biggest problem is an overly generic bad guy that nobody cares to remember. But the team works well together, the fight with Superman is epic, Jason Momoa was born to play Aquaman, and we definitely want to see more of The Flash.

11. Superman II (1980)

The sequel to the original Superman movie was mired with problems, from losing its director and design consultant to being filmed right on the heels of the first film. But it holds up well, not least because Terence Stamp’s General Zod gives us every reason to remember why we need superheroes.

10. Superman Returns (2006)

Lex Luthor proves why he is as dangerous as any villain with superpowers, while the darker tone helps create a Superman persona that fits better with the 21st Century.

9. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

It gets a little tiring to hear how old and beaten Batman is and maybe Tom Hardy’s Bane does too good a job, overshadowing just about every other character in this movie. But as a conclusion to Christopher Nolan’s trilogy, this was a classy send-off for Gotham’s saviour.

8. Man of Steel (2013)

Not only do we finally, after many years, get a new Superman movie, but some inspired genius casts Michael Shannon as the evil General Zod. It’s been too long and we’re happy Krypton’s son is back!

7. Constantine (2005)

At the time it was not a hit. But the first movie adaptation of the Hellblazer comics has since gathered a big cult following. Today it can claim a lot of fans because it’s actually really good. Hey, Keanu, where’s our sequel?

6. Batman Begins (2005)

Since 1989’s Batman, there have been other superhero movies that made their mark on the genre. Then Christopher Nolan shows up, hires Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman, and turns comic book movies into crime thrillers. Brilliant.

5. Wonder Woman (2017)

A slightly weak third act doesn’t hurt the appeal of the Amazonian superhero in her first major movie outing. Let’s face it - nobody is panicking anymore about what might happen to Superman. Wonder Woman can take care of things.  

4. Superman (1978)

There had been a few superhero movies before 1978’s Superman. But this set the stage: big effects, great hero, amazing soundtrack - and Gene Hackman deserves more credit for his mean Lex Luthor.

3. Batman (1989)

Tim Burton unleashes his quirky style in grand form, creating the superhero movie that still influences the genre today. Then there’s Jack Nicholson’s Joker, Michael Keaton’s dry wit and the original soundtrack by Prince. Enough said!

2. V for Vendetta (2005)

This dark tale of a near future under a totalitarian state is already a gritty and powerful movie. But Hugo Weaving as the antihero V just takes it to another level. On top of that, this is an experience with real purpose and a serious message underneath. Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

1. The Dark Knight (2008)

Why so serious? Heath Ledger’s Joker is just entirely in his own league. And not just him - everything in this movie fires on all cylinders. The greatest DC movie? No. This is the greatest comic book movie in history.

For more information visit https://localdstvinstaller.co.za/