#also this organic bread is sooooo good

[lolli-says-stuff]

I ate so much bread today. It’s my biggest love besides Yassen Gregorovich.

[tokyotwosome]

 ¡Viva Mexico!

Since becoming parents last year, we had taken a pause on international travel. That is, until this week! We decided to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. In our first 10 years, we've spent each anniversary doing some form of travel, most of which I've blogged about:

2015 - Tokyo, Japan (just moved there)

2016 - Tokyo Japan

2017 - Okinawa, Japan

2018 - Paris, France

2019 - United Kingdom (England/Scotland)

2020 - Hoh National Rainforest (WA state)

2021 - Tennessee/N. Carolina/New York City

2022 - Oahu, Hawaii

2023 - Local dinner (because new baby)

2024 - Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

While our 15-month-old toddler stayed home spending quality time with his auntie and Opa, we were living it up on the beach. Travelling together abroad feels like riding a bike and what better place to restart our travel adventures than Mexico.

We arrived in Puerto Vallarta on our anniversary and opted for a charming penthouse apartment right on the beach. We’ve always enjoyed traveling this way so we can experience the local life as much as possible. The first country outside the US that I ever visited was Mexico when I was 16-years-old, specifically Ensanada, where my love of the culture truly became evident. As someone who identifies as Hispanic/Latina, being in Mexico has a way of making me feel at home. The people, the food, the music…there’s so much to love about it here. We arrived on a stormy afternoon; apparently, it’s monsoon season? Missed that memo, but what can you do? We had dinner reservations at Mar y Vino, an upper scale restaurant where tables sit within a small pool to dip your feet in while you enjoy your decadent dinner. Since the storm came in with vengeance, the rain was coming down in dime-size drops as the cracking of thunder and flashes of lightning engulfed the sky. We took a taxi to the restaurant to avoid the downpour but were disappointed to arrive and learn they closed the pool section of the restaurant due to the encroaching storm. All that to say, we rolled with the punches and made the most out of it. At least the food was delicious, especially Rob's freshly caught red snapper.

We absolutely loved the apartment we stayed in! It was right on the beach and just a short walk away from the Malecón (the boardwalk). The best part was having our own private rooftop, complete with a plunge pool, hammocks, an outdoor bar, and a perfect balcony for people watching. We even had an evening where a pirate ship shot off fireworks not too far away from us, giving us a private rooftop show. We were grateful that we managed to fit in equal parts adventure with relaxation. Just what the doctor ordered!

Walking and exploring is one of our favorite pass times, so the next morning we woke up and ventured out to find a place to eat breakfast. A trick we learned in Japan is, avoid the main streets since they tend to be tourist traps. If you go just one or two streets over, you can often find cheaper and tastier options. We visited a hole-in-the-wall of a restaurant called "Cafe de Olla" (a name referring to Mexican spiced coffee) and it did not disappoint! Not a single person spoke English, that includes the staff and their customers, so we knew it would be delicious. We made it a point to only use Spanish as much as possible, so a place like this was a great place to practice. Rob had huevos con jamón (eggs and ham) served with beans and fresh tortillas. Para mi, I opted for chilaquiles con pollo. It was sooooo good! Just like the name promises, the coffee had a hint of spice (cinnamon) that even Rob enjoyed. We also ordered fresh OJ. The fresh juice is something you never get sick of. It's refreshing, not too sweet, and doesn't get more organic than that. As we ate, we also saw restaurant staff walking around offering fresh pan (bread) to guests. Once we finished and began making our way out, we saw a massive line out the door. This place was popular!

We spent our first full day just walking around, exploring the city, then relaxing on the balcony of our Airbnb. The balcony had a great view of the beach and ocean; perfect for people watching. We had hammocks, lounge chairs, and a plunge pool to cool off. We were grateful that the weather held up for us and that we had some much needed down time. At night, we went to another fancy restaurant complete with our own waiter (just for our table) and our own mixologist. For dessert, they served us Guava cheesecake for our anniversary. Such a treat!

The next morning, we started our day with breakfast and jet skiing right on the beach by where we stayed. The jet ski guys told us to have a seat in two chairs under an umbrella while we waited as it was a particularly hot day. Then they asked us if we needed anything. "Do you need a beer? Drugs? We have marijuana, cocaine, whatever you want." They then proceeded to have their guy show us the drugs. We told him no thanks as we awkwardly waited to get out on the water. It wouldn't be the last time we'd be offered drugs on our trip, haha. Only in Mexico, I suppose *shrug*. After our jet skiing, we went back to the Airbnb to clean up then went for a walk to find lunch. I was craving birria tacos, so we found another hole in the wall spot. The food hit just right and the flavor had me moaning in pleasure. Yes, it was that good! That day we got couples massages at a local spa. The owner asked us "Where you from, Seattle?" How she guessed that is beyond us, given we didn't have anything on our clothing that indicated this. It was an incredible massage and the owner's staff is her family - Metamorfosis Spa if you're ever visiting. Following the massage, on our walk back, I got my hair braided and added some pink flair as we walked around town. For dinner, we decided to eat on the beach at the restaurant below our Airbnb. We ate delicious food as we watched the sun set.

Our final full day we had scheduled an island tour. This was definitely the highlight of our trip, although we hadn't anticipated it to be. The tour included a boat ride to the Marietas islands, snorkeling, a visit to a hidden beach, complete with lunch and all you can drink juice or alcohol on the boat. They even took pictures throughout the day that you could purchase at the end. Totally worth it!

The snorkeling was incredible! We saw countless tropical fish, but even saw a few things we'd never seen before. The tour guide found an octopus in the water, picked it up to show us, then when he released it, it inked in the water. We also saw a puffer fish, which was a bit scary, but still cool to see in the wild. Thankfully it wasn't puffed up, but those fish are fast! We then lined up to get back on the boat as we noticed some folks had baby crabs on their life jackets. Once back on the boat, they took us to the hidden beach which was basically paradise. The water was even more clear, they had a full bar with places to lounge, and gave everyone time to drink, swim, paddleboard, kayak, or just relax. The tour was so worth the cost and 10/10 would recommend.

A personal highlight of the trip for me was feeling validated as a Latina. Not being fluent in Spanish, looking white, I've always felt like I have to prove how Latina I am in the states. While in Mexico, people would only speak English to Rob, but they spoke Spanish to me. I can't describe how happy that made me. That night we found another hole in the wall with abuelas in the kitchen. We knew it would be good based on the massive line we saw out the door (only Latinos) and the food did not disappoint! We ended our last night checking off one thing from my bucket list - singing Spanish karaoke in Mexico. We found a local karaoke bar where I opted to sing Nunca es Suficiente by Los Angeles Azules, along with some Bad Bunny and Selena. I couldn't stop smiling and I think I even impressed Rob, which is not easy to do after 10 years of marriage.

This trip was so needed and such a great way to celebrate our decade of marriage. I am so grateful to our family for allowing us time to do this and taking care of baby boy while we were away. Mommy and daddy desperately needed this and we had the absolute best time. Here's to many decades to come!

[just-here-for-the-moment]

The Innkeeper's Daughter

Thank you sooooo much to @fandom-blackhole who let me take inspiration from This Ask for the original Anon and This follow-up Ask from me, and let me run wild with the premise of Pero Tovar falling in love with an innkeeper.

This one is for @silverwolf319 who sent me a request for "Ummmm...how about soft, sweet filthiness lol like, filthy dirty talk, but with feelings? Does that make sense?"

Saaaammmmm, I hope this delivers on that! 💜💜💜

Update: Part 2 is here!

Word count: 3200+

Rating: mature, 18+ only

Outline: Pero Tovar x “You” (OC cis/het female reader, “blank canvas”/no physical description/no use of “Y/N”)

Warnings: mature language; euphemisms; one use of “whorehouse” and “whore”; slow-burn; yearning; one incident of bar violence; Pero Tovar unleashing his desires verbally; lots of dirty talk; kissing; one breast grope; one erection; everyone’s clothes stay on

The first time you saw the grumpy Spaniard smile was a busy Saturday evening. Your father’s inn was full, the barroom filled with groups of raucous and rowdy men singing traveling songs and reminiscing loudly about battles won and women lost. The contrast between the exuberant hordes and the quiet, scowling man was evident to everyone, but they left him alone to brood.

“The Spaniard” had arrived in the early hours of Thursday morning and disappeared into his room immediately, sleeping the day away until supper. He kept to himself in the barroom, taking over a small table in the corner, keeping his back to the wall and his eyes on the other guests. He graced you with eye contact exactly once during Thursday’s supper, nodding at you to indicate his thanks for the ale before tucking his head back down to eat.

You knew from your two decades behind the bar that the quiet ones could sometimes be dangerous. But your father was much more concerned with the inn’s revenue and suppliers, and brushed off your questions with a wave.

“The Spaniard is quiet and doesn’t seem interested in starting trouble. He’s paid for his room in advance for the week. If he wants to be left alone, leave off.”

The Spaniard did not appear on Friday for the midday meal, but he did come back for late supper, repeating Thursday’s pattern exactly; a seat at the small table with his back to the wall, scanning the room from under his brow, a flash of eye contact to you as wordless thanks when you set down his plate and and the ewer of ale. The rest of the customers were settled for the moment, and something made you bolder than you would normally be, choosing to linger and try to break into the hard shell he wore like a cloak.

“Care for anything else? I have honey cakes set aside from the baker if you would like one.”

He grunted, a noise that was neither a yes nor a no. You weren’t sure if you should take offense or be happy that he made noise at all.

“What’s your name?”

He stopped chewing at that, and raised his eyes to yours, holding your gaze with his own deep brown orbs. The scar that ran over one eye was almost delicate, tracing a line from eyebrow to cheek that told a story of pain and must have resulted in him nearly losing the organ. You had seen many men disfigured and maimed by war and by accidents; but his scar was almost beautiful, highlighting his features in a way that made him more handsome, not less.

He swallowed roughly and grunted again. “Tovar.”

“Tovar… is that all?” You smiled wryly, hoping to pull more secrets out of him.

“Pero.” He grunted again, but this time it nearly resembled full speech. “Pero Tovar.”

He tucked his head back down and shoved more food into his mouth. You took that as your cue to go back to the bar. If he was staying all week you could wait until Sunday when things quieted down, spend a few days slowly probing. You got the sense he wasn’t dangerous, at least not to whoever brought him food and ale. You let yourself be distracted serving everyone else, and when you looked for him at the end of the night he was gone. You tried to ignore the little pang of disappointment that bloomed in your chest.

Saturday dawned clear and sunny, and you rose early to do the marketing for the inn and for your little household of two. Your mother had passed many years before, and your father prided himself on running an honorable establishment. You may have spent your formative years behind the bar of the inn, but nobody in the village mistook you for anything save an honest innkeeper’s daughter. The whorehouse was at the other end of town.

You finished your marketing and returned home, planning how to combine fresh eggs with leftover bread and meat for the midday meal. Most guests of the inn came for the late supper, but a few showed up for the midday meal and some companionship. You hoped Tovar would be one of them, but given that he had skipped the midday dinner on both Thursday and Friday, you didn’t dare hope too much.

To your great surprise, Tovar was already in the barroom when you arrived. He was dressed casually in tunic and pants and was standing on a table under the main beam, helping your father reattach the lantern. The chain had been broken for a few weeks, leaving this part of the room dark. Neither you nor your father had made time to obtain a ladder and fix it yet, but apparently for Tovar no ladder was needed. His tall frame was stretched up, arms raised to reach for the chain dangling from the ceiling, and his tunic lifted just enough to show a band of bare skin over his hips. The sight of him nearly made you drop your baskets.

You recovered your senses and looked away, greeting your father as naturally as you could. When you lifted your eyes to greet Tovar, you swore you saw the ghost of a smirk cross his lips. You hurried to the kitchen to prepare the midday meal.

When you dared to return to the bar, your father had gone, and Tovar was seated at his usual table. He lifted his eyes quickly to your face and you found that you could barely speak. Your words emerged in a breathy rush. “Are you hungry? Would you like to eat now?” You cursed your nerves and tried to settle them. Where were the other guests? Why was nobody else coming down to the bar?

Tovar looked at you sternly from under his brows and you suddenly felt like a child, caught for doing something naughty. But his next words made something in your middle turn over, fluttering like a moth.

“No. Sit with me a while.”

You sat. You were not accustomed to taking orders from strange men in your father’s establishment, but you rationalized it by telling yourself that attending to guests was good for the inn’s reputation, and that you would spring up and take care of any other guests as soon as they entered. You ignored the little whisper of lust that was suddenly at the base of your spine, tickling up like a trail of smoke from an extinguished candle.

“Tell me your name, woman.”

His question shocked you, until you realized that you hadn’t yet given it to him, and apparently neither had your father during their repair work. You opened your lips and spoke your own name, and under Tovar’s intense gaze it felt strange and foreign. He repeated it back to you in his sonorous tone, turning the fluttering moths in your center into lightning bolts.

“Are you enjoying your stay with us? Is there anything you need for your room?”

That half-smirk graced his lips for another moment, then passed away so quickly you were almost sure you imagined it. He shook his head, “No.”

You let the silence hang. Why had he asked you to sit with him if he wasn’t going to converse? Your stubborn streak won out over your curiosity and you decided to hold his eyes with your own and wait him out. Seconds stretched into minutes, and the air between you became heated, suffused with something like the vapors that distorted the air above a fire. Your hands grew moist, and you rubbed them across your lap, hoping the apron would absorb both the sweat and your discomfort. Tovar continued to look at you with interest, and the longer he stared the more you felt your face burn.

You broke first, bending your head and taking in a great shuddering gulp of air. Just then a footstep fell on the threshold and you leapt out of your chair and swept into the kitchen. When you calmed yourself and finally emerged, Tovar was gone. You let yourself get entwined in the gossip and the rhythm of your normal serving of guests, listening to the friendly chatter. By the time the bar was clear again, you decided to take yourself up to your room and rest, to conserve your energy for the busy Saturday night crowd. Saturday late supper consisted of cold leftovers and mug after mug of ale. The crowds were usually boisterous but good-natured, and you were looking forward to seeing Tovar again.

When you woke from your nap the sun was kissing the horizon, and you freshened your dress, changing into one of your nicer ones and a fresh bodice, tying a clean apron around your middle. You scrubbed your face with a wet cloth and rearranged your hair. You felt like a maiden heading to the altar, but you weren’t sure why. Nothing that Tovar had said or done so far gave you any indication that he favored you that way. There really was no need to change into clean clothing or present yourself in any special garments. Still… there was that hope, that whisper of lust that had sprung up under his gaze this afternoon. Maybe he would notice your efforts and begin to take an interest.

You entered the bar and began getting ready to serve the Saturday night crowd, handing around ewers of ale and plates of cold buns and cheese. The inn not only had a dedicated stream of locals every Saturday, but it also tended to draw groups of visitors from some of the smaller towns, as well as travelers on the road who needed a room for the night. You tried to keep your eyes on your work, but they kept flitting to the doorway without your permission, seeking any trace of the grumpy Spaniard and flickering the hope in your gut when they didn’t see him. As the barroom filled, you wondered whether he would appear at all. You pushed all hope of seeing him down, stomping on it and trying to keep yourself focused.

You hurried to the kitchen for another round of buns, and when you emerged into the bar he was there, sitting at “his” table and scowling his usual scowl. You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding, and you felt your face heat with desire. When Tovar saw you his face opened, and the first genuine smile you had ever seen painted his lips. The rest of the raucous room fell away, and you zipped straight to his table, depositing the plate of buns that had been intended for someone else.

“Hello Pero.” You bit your lip, never having addressed him with his name before. Was it too forward?

“Hello, mi-” he stopped himself, then said your name, almost reluctantly. Had he forgotten it in the few hours since you had seen each other last?

You smiled tightly, a little less warmly than before. Icy flakes swept over your girlish crush and your ardor cooled. If he had already forgotten your name, he must not be interested. “Ale?”

He nodded. “Yes… if you please.”

Your thin layer of ice melted. A “please” from this man was like high praise from anyone else. You nodded and went to the bar, filling an ewer and a mug, and delivering both to his table. You wanted to linger, but calls from the other side of the room interrupted any notion of getting to spend more time with Tovar.

You nodded once at him and departed, taking care of the other guests and helping your father lug another barrel of ale from the back. Every time you dared glance at Tovar he was watching you, gentle interest and curiosity issuing from his eyes, instead of the menacing scowl he had sported when he first arrived. You tried to focus on your usual tasks, letting the rowdy laughter of the bar patrons wash over you, but you could feel Pero’s eyes on you, and you couldn’t stop yourself from glancing at him again and again, far too often. Your distraction was probably the reason that disaster struck.

Your eyes were again on Pero as you made your way across the room, and your toe caught the edge of someone’s foot, causing you to stumble and spill a mug of ale all over a large man. He bellowed in anger. You saw that he was a stranger, and as he unfolded himself from his chair and stood up, you could see that he was twice as broad as you and nearly two heads taller. The ale soaked his tunic and dripped onto the floor.

Before you could open your mouth to apologize, the man raised his hand to strike you. Suddenly his furious face crumpled into pain. He fell to his knees in front of you, the raised arm now twisted behind his back. As his knees hit the floor, Pero’s face materialized behind the man’s shoulder. Pero’s trademark scowl was directed at the back of the man’s head as he hissed instructions to the stranger.

“Apologize to the woman.”

The man spit out a curse and then refused. “She’s a whore!” Another wail of pain issued from his open mouth as Pero twisted his arm up and back.

He leaned down and spoke into the man’s ear, so low that you almost couldn’t hear it. “Apologize.”

The man dropped his head to his chest and whined out a stream of words that included several “sorrys” and “my mistakes”. You looked at him, eyes still wide with shock, mouth frozen into a grimace. Pero looked at you and then gave the man’s arm one final shove. A sickening crack met your ears and the man groaned as he fell forward onto his face.

“Now leave! And do not come back.” The man and his companions scrambled to the exit, and the rest of the customers murmured to themselves as they returned to their own drinks and gossip.

“Mi alma, are you alright?” Pero reached his hand out to you and you shook your head, tears springing to your eyes.

You spun on your heel and ran out of the bar, turning to flee to the back hallway, hands shaking. You pressed your back to the wall and then bent over at the waist, trying to catch your breath. You had seen bar fights before, and broken up a handful when they happened here and there, but you had never seen violence like that up close. You had never seen such hatred on a man’s face as the anger that had colored Pero’s features. You had the sense that Pero would have gladly killed the man and not had a second of remorse.

You heard a foot scrape the floor and you shot upright. Pero was at the end of the hall, eyes flickering in the light from the lone candle on the table. He put both hands out to you, palms facing you in a gesture of openness, approaching one slow step at a time.

“I am sorry. I am sorry.” His voice was low and calm. “Please forgive me.”

“No,” your own voice sounded high and panicked to your ears. “Stop. Don’t hurt me.”

Pero’s face crumpled and he halted his approach. “Hurt you? No, never. I would never hurt you. Please believe me.” He took another step toward you.

“But that man- You, you broke-”

Pero interrupted your awful cry. “Ssshhh, no. No, mi alma. That was not a man. He was a beast. I made him apologize and leave.”

Pero took another step, closing the distance between you to one stride. You were surprised to see tears in the corners of his eyes as well.

“I thought I was saving you, mi alma. Protecting you.”

“You did, you protected me, but- How were you so fast? And why do you keep calling me ‘mi alma’?”

Pero closed the final distance between you and reached his hands out to hold both of yours. He stepped close, and you had to tilt your head back to look into his eyes.

“I love you. You have enchanted me. ‘Mi alma’ means my soul. It means you have my love and my heart.” He looked deep into your eyes. “... and my body, if you so desire.”

He inclined his head and his lips met yours. You felt your head spin, heart pulsing through every vein, pounding in your ears as you let yourself be kissed, over and over again. You had kissed boys before, and even one young man in the village, but this was like being kissed for the first time anew. Pero kissed you with passion, with intent.

His hands gripped your waist and held you to him as your fingers entwined themselves up into his neck and the hair at the back of his neck. Pero broke the kiss and leaned toward your ear. His voice was low and gravelly, striking something in your core and sending sparks to your throat.

“I fell in love with you today. When I caught you looking at me as I changed the lantern. When you sat with me and met my eyes with your own and you didn’t shy away. When I saw that you had changed into a new dress, had made yourself pretty just for me.”

Your breath left your lungs in a huff, and the only sound you could make was a low hum.

Pero continued whispering words and warm breath across your ear, sending shivers down your neck, making your nipples harden with desire.

“I will take care of you, mi alma. Let me take you to bed and show you everything that you need to know. Let me show you how to make love to a man, to please him. How to take a husband and take your own pleasure, too.”

“Ohh…” You hardly recognized your voice as your own, and before you could say more, Pero kissed you again, opening your mouth and slipping his tongue inside. He pressed his hips against you, pinning you to the wall. You could feel his hardness against your hip; but instead of scaring you or making you feel ashamed, it stoked the fire in you from a flame to an explosion.

You kissed Pero back, as hard and as eager as he had kissed you. And then you did something you never would have imagined: you reached behind your waist and grabbed his wrist, bringing his hand up to cup around your breast. He squeezed and thrust his tongue into your mouth, swallowing your moans and squeaks.

He broke the kiss again to suck and nip at your cheek, your jaw, your neck. Every kiss inflamed you further, and you pressed your hips against his, rubbing from side to side to feel his hardness through the layers of your skirts.

“Let me take you to bed, mi alma. Let me make love with you.” Pero’s voice dropped to a low rumble. You could barely hear him above the thrum of your own heartbeat, but the words sent a new rush of something hot and wet to your private area.

“Let me kiss you between your legs, to taste you. Let me show you everything I know. Let me have you, and you may have me… all of me. Let me love you, mi alma.”

Your mouth opened and you spoke the only true answer to his request.

“Yes, Pero. Please.” --- Just-here-for-the-moment’s masterlist

My “all fics” tag list:

@anaaaispunk @justanotherblonde23 @gracie7209 @nicolethered @honestly-shite @driedgreentomatoes @dihra-vesa @1800-fight-me @the-queen-of-fools @juletheghoul

@kesskirata @honeymandos @silverwolf319 @mourningbirds1 @greeneyedblondie44 @spacedilf @maxwell–lord @anxiousandboujee @cevvie @quica-quica-quica @sherala007 @writeforfandoms @libellule2001

[bluedemon1995]

Hope you like this latest chapter. I think, I'm almost done with this one. Please comment and let me know what you think. I'Ve gone back to rotating my focus so hopefully you follow all my stories!

Pidge POV

While everyone is busy planning Pidge can't keep her eyes off Matt. His hair is longer than hers, pulled back in a messy pony tail. She vaguely remembers her mom scolding him and saying she was going to cut his hair if he didn't go with dad to the barber. It's funny how memories are popping up now when he's right in front of her. He has a scar on his forehead but otherwise looks very similar to her. Same eye color, same hair. Hell, his is probably nicer than hers.

It's like she's in some strange alternate universe. But if she being honest... it was also very scary. Because, if one thought about it rationally, everything she thought she knew for the last ten years was a lie.

Everything.

She wasn't alone. She wasn't an orphan. And isn't that the rub. She could've had a family, all this time. It could have been her and Matt. It makes her sad to think what she missed out on. Birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries of the accident. Where she suffered alone. And even when Lotor was with her he never really understood. He never realized what she felt or was going through. And looking back, she could see he didn't even really try to pretend for her either. And that just made her feel so much more alone.

At some point she would just hide away in her room and work herself to sleep. She felt like she was in a tunnel suddenly, with her breath hiccuping and her vision wavering. Oh God, she can't breathe.  She had to get up. She had to move. But then she ... felt an arm slip around her shoulders and pull her close. Warmth. Heat. Her heart rate started to sync...Keith. He was here. He was real.

And she didn't care that he was FBI or law enforcement. Because with him she didn't feel alone.

She was not alone. She turned in his arms and just held on. It's funny how someone she only knew for such a short period of time could mean so much to her. Yet here she is. Surrounded by people who are on her side. And Keith.

Re-centered, she focused back onto the conversation going on around her. Glad for once there were so many people in the room. It was a few hours after the big reveal and while Keith's apartment was cramped with so many people, for once it didn't make her feel like running or hiding away. Hunk had prepared a spaghetti dinner complete with homemade bread and salad. It was hilarious when Lance questioned Keith having the ingredients for bread and Hunk sheepishly admitted to stocking his pantry, 'for emergencies'.

When she looked at Keith, he whispered, "I didn't even know I had a pantry!"

And when Lance was outraged that he didn't have a stockpile. Hunk replied that since Lance technically still lives at home, his mom has their place well stocked! Then there was Krolia and Kolivan. Kolivan finally returned with his report and Pidge could see how he'd fit in the the biker gang image. He was a tough guy but when he spoke he was so quiet and calm. It just inspired her trust in him.

Then of course, there was Matt. He was nearby, constantly finding excuses to touch her arm, hand or shoulder. It was odd. She wasn't a touchy freely person and yet, she was so happy that he seemed happy to have found her too. Despite what she had been involved in. Finally dinner in hand, they  were seated all around various parts of Keith's living room.

Finally, I voiced a concern that was nagging at me. "Shiro, have we ever...met? I feel like I recognized your voice somehow? Or even your...shape?"

Matt replied, loudly, "Shiro and I were gaming friends long before we ever met. So, I would be playing games with him and you'd be in my room. So you probably did hear him but I don't think you ever saw him. But after the accident and rehab, I mentioned I needed to go to school and he convinced me to go to the same school as him. So, with nothing left to lose I did. I have a family picture of us, so Shiro has seen you before. Plus, let's be honest, we sorta look alike."

Pidge nods, "That makes sense. Unfortunately that's about the only thing that does."

Matt counters, "Okay, now that we are fed. We need to focus. Plan. I'm betting Lotor's dad is behind this. But Katie, do you think Lotor knew as well?"

She thought about it but replied, "Probably not. His dad does not respect him and they aren't close. At all, so I cannot imagine him telling a pre-teen Lotor anything. Maybe he encouraged him to be my friend but nothing overt."

Shiro nods, "Okay so why?"

Everyone is quiet, thinking.

Keith POV

"Let's take it from a slightly different angle. How did Zarkon benefit? He's pretty self serving. There is no way he didn't get something out of this."

Matt picks up, "Yeah, I'm thinking it has to do with the project my dad was working on. Some kind of weapon. I know once he died, the project did too."

Keith counters, "Then why separate you two? What are we missing? What does Zarkon desire or want?"

"Money, every bad guy wants money." stated Lance firmly.

Hunk countered, "Power, he likes to be the big kahuna. Maybe this weapon would have cost him that."

More answers were kicked around when Pidge interjects, "Control. From what I see Zarkon lives for control. In every aspect. So by causing the accident, he needed to control for the outcome or at least several outcomes. No one could have predicted Matt would be thrown from the car or I would be stuck in it. Let's be honest, people survive accidents all the time. But he prepared for all possibilities. Sooooo, that means he got something out of it. But what did he gain control of? I didn't get any money. Or things.”

Keith guesses, "Maybe he knew that the weapon mission would fail but he also knew that your dad got much farther than maybe he imagined. Do we know what the weapon was?"

Matt replied, "I tried looking into it but I couldn't get further than it was a top secret project. I've hacked into several sites over the years looking for more data but it's very cryptic. In fact it doesn't even sound like a weapon at all. More like an organic compound really. So

"That's it!! I remember mom being a gardener but really she was probably a botanist. So Zarkon has control of all drugs running in and out of Galra City. And if anyone wants in they need to bow to him. He's expanded his network and this is what Lotor was trying to beat him at. Althea. But what if there was a way to diminish his hold? What if they created something that was a weapon only in the hand of the Garrison or police? I remember her telling me that nothing is untraceable. And no one is untouchable.”

Krolia speaks up, "Zarkon has a big footprint. If we could know what drugs are his and track it someway, it would go a long way in stopping the flow. But his network of them getting the drugs into the country is, well a mystery. If we could figure that out. Well, that would be a game changer."

Everyone is quiet. Finally, Katie looks up, "So Matt, I think you need to show me what you have. If our parents were killed over this, well, they had to be close."

Matt nods, "Definitely."

Hunk interjects, "Uh, I could probably help. I'm really good at making things or finding patterns."

Keith grins, "Well, while you guys figure the item, why don't the rest of come up with a battle plan or trap?"

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

A jared appreciation post and recap of yesterday

I drove down to NC on thursday and so far being here has been SO nice. Jared’s parents went to asheville for the weekend so we’ve had the house to ourselves and tbh we’ve been having a good ass time.

Yesterday I woke up early and ran 6.5 miles before anyone else was awake, it was hot af and humid af but I saw a lot of other people out and made a point to wave to everyone because we could probably all use some extra friendliness rn. I came back and jared made tofu chilaquiles and coffee and we sat out on the porch and ate slowly and just talked for hours and it was soOoOo nice. Then we had leftovers from the night before for lunch, jared turned his into a chana masala naan pizza which was honestly kinda genius. Then he was like “since you drove 10 hours yesterday I wanted to make today a spa day for you” and he had bought candles and massage lotion and stuff and I was like wtf you sweet angel!!!

Then it thunderstormed for a bit and I sat out on the porch and it was the best. We got all dressed up and actually got to go out to eat because NC is pretty opened up- we got whiskey drinks and sushi (that was aMAZING! one roll had mandarin orange slices and sweet chili sauce on top).

Then we came home and watched 13th which I highly, highly, highly recommend in light of what’s going on in the world rn. I actually knew a good deal of the stuff they were talking about already which felt good to be informed on. I took a class called hip hop and politics last spring where we analyzed song lyrics and films and talked about the role of the federal government in criminalizing marginalized groups and how the “war on drugs” was basically a load of shit. Anyway- the documentary goes really in depth on it and I think everyone should watch it.

Halfway through the documentary we grabbed frozen custard, something I’ve always wanted to try, and then came home and ate and finished it. Also the moon! Looked so cool! It’s the orange-y light third from left in the bottom pic even though the pic does not do it justice whatsoever lol.

Jared has been SO sweet since I’ve gotten here (I mean...he always is but like, over the top). He bought me flowers and he went to trader joe’s to get groceries I would like and he bought special bread at a local bakery and picked up dark chocolate sunflower butter cups he saw at TJ’s because they looked like something I would like. He even fricken went out and bought the conditioner I use so I would have it here since my hair is crazy. And last night he paid for dinner and we always just split it so that was just...such a sweet gesture. I love him!

I’ve been feeling weird about posting anything personal on here because I don’t want to detract for the larger important convos going on, but I honestly use tumblr as my own photo diary esentially and I want to be able to share these little moments and look back on them. I’ve been putting more of my social justice energy into my real life rather than the internet but have been more vocal on instagram and fb because that feels more organic to me.

Anyway! Hope y’all are all doing okay sending a hug to ....everyone

[mcrmadness]

"I’m not from the US” ask set: 4, 7, 13, 14, 15, 16, 19, 22, 26 :) :)

Thanks! :) Here is the ask set if anyone wants to send more asks!!!

Sorry for taking so long with the answer, I got bit too excited and had a busy weekend so I’ve been writing this a little bit every day because I managed to make tired on each time because of the amount of text I’m apparently able to produce because I’m a proud Finn who loves their country a bit too much :D

4. favourite dish specific for your country?

Hmmm. This is interesting question, our cuisine reminds the German one a lot to begin with and I feel like it’s just so very... basic (like: potatoes and meat/sausages + milk products). There’s also many regional dishes that I haven’t eaten because I’m from the East Finland and those are popular in the West or so, and some of these sound really disgusting too. And I want to leave out desserts like mämmi or other foods like Karelain pies and focus on actualy dishes not... So I’d say my favorite is Karjalanpaisti aka the Karelian hot pot (UK)/Karelian stew (US) so it also has bit of Russian roots for it, too. It’s more common here in the East and I don’t know about other families, but that is what my mom makes as the main food for Christmas but sometimes she cooks it even if it wasn’t Christmas. So it’s just beef, pork  and liver stew and eaten with potatoes. The broth also tastes sooooo good if you put butter on a rye bread and then dip the bread in the broth! I usually don’t eat the beed/pork pieces because I have to chew them for so long that they become so dry and lose all the taste, but I LOVE liver. And during the few past years my mom has bought local, organic Highland cow liver and made us our own stew without the beef/pork (unless beef is organic since I only eat organic meat) and omg, it’s just so good :D

And another one worth mentioning: fried vendace! It’s a small fresh water fish (’muikku’ in Finnish) and it’s a famous dish (’paistetut muikut’) especially here in Finnish Lakeland. These are always the highlight of the summer when the vendace/fish restaurants open and you get the summer’s first (and often the last too because of money lol) fried vendace meal from a restaurant :p

***

7. three words from your native language that you like the most?

- Niin kuin / Niiku / Niiko. This is a filler word, you can start a sentence with it or put it anywhere. It basically means the same as saying “like” in the middle of a sentence in English. Like, the way I’m doing now. It depends on the dialect which version one chooses to use, “niiko” is not typica for my dialect but I’ve adopted it to my speech anyway.

- Kylömä. This is a dialect word, typical for my dialect, it comes from the written word “kylmä” which means “cold”. Here in the East we like additional letters, especially vowels, so this often becomes “kylymä”. And when wanting to make it even more Savo dialect-ish, you say “kylömä”.

- Häh? / Täh? That’s right, German is not the only language with a word for the question mark mood - Finns also will say “hä???” when something goes over our heads. I think it comes from the word “mitä” which means “what”, which then has evolved into “mitäh” and from there to “täh” and finally to “häh?” But I’m not a linguist, it just sounds most logical for me like this. I also like other Finnish interjections and I wish I had similar words in English.

***

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders?

Finland isn’t really that superstitious anymore. Back in the day, before modern religions, Finland was very much superstitious and especially into magic a lot. And there were gods everywhere, if you saw a face in the tree, it could have been nothing else but the forest god. And what still playfully lives from these eras of magic and spells are the spells we’re talking about during Midsummer. Mostly they were about running around naked and doing random things like sleeping with flowers under your pillow in order to see your future parten in your dream, or do things in order to get good luck at future marriage. But I don’t know if anyone does those anymore, we just playfully joke about them every year.

Talking of Midsummer, I think I need to mention here our tradition about: drowning. That’s right, in Finland there’s always a number of people drowning during Midsummer because alcohol and swimming don’t go together but people still go swimming while they’re drunk and then accidents happen... So, whenever the Midsummer approaches, everyone is wishing for good weather so they can go out and have fun and get drunk with others (except for me because I’m an introverted teetotaler who hates people and heat waves lol) but at the same time we’re wishing for a bad weather so as little people would drown as possible. The better the weather, the more people will drown. But still if the weather is bad, it makes everyone angry because they wished for better weather but at least more lives are saved, then... So you can basically never win, as long as people will go swimming while drunk and forget to look after their friends (because they’re also too drunk to notice someone disappeared).

***

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV?

Not really. There only a few comedy shows that I really like - Kummeli being the ultimate best and I pretty much grew up with that show. I don’t like Finnish drama series nor movies because I just can’t stand the acted Finnish. It sounds the same as normal spoken language too but I just can SEE from the people they are acting and it gets on my nerves so much. Plus Finland loves melancholy so we can’t even have police series without it being about human relations instead of investigating stuff and people are just constantly lying, angry at each other and crying 24/7. I don’t like that sort of negativity at all, it makes me just angry myself.

Plus Finland only has like 5 different actors that are in every goddamned show and movie, and then we also have just like 3 different people who are hosts in radios and tv shows and like... why??? Kinda tired of seeing the same faces everywhere all the time!

But I have to mention that a few good movies have come from Finland during the past couple of years: Tom of Finland is actually a great movie and it’s great for anyone interested in the LGBT+ history (especially the gay community’s) too as it tells about this Finnish artist whose drawings have inspired many today’s praised LGBT+ icons too. I don’t know if you can find it with foreign subtitles or so yet as it’s mainly spoken in Finnish. The same director also made a movie about Tolkien, this one is entirely in English (apart from a few pseudo-Finnish words here and there because Finnish inspired Tolkien a lot in real life too) but it was a good movie anyway.

***

15. a saying, joke, or hermetic meme that only people from your country will get?

Well, in Finland we have this phenomenon called “Suomi mainittu, torilla tavataan!” aka we get so excited everytime Finland is mentioned anywhere even a little so everyone gotta “meet” at a market place to celebrate it. It literally means “Finland mentioned, let’s meet at the market place!” No matter what is the original language of where the mention is, and it doesn’t matter if we don’t understand the language, if we can clearly tell it’s about Finland, we need to leave a comment in Finnish and go crazy about it because our lil country was noticed somewhere finally.

And here’s an extra one:

Source. Write “Finnish bus stop” on Google and you get tens of these photos. We really love our personal space.

***

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with?

I don’t know if we have any wrong stereotypes? I even tried googling this and I agreed with every single one of them? :D But I googled a little bit more and apparently people tend to see Finns as very rude because of our introverted and emotionless nature and I have to disagree with this one. Yes we’re introverted (but still extroverts exist too, I myself am an ambivert) and especially our monotonous language can make us seem very emotionless as well, but the “rudeness” comes from the fact we show our respect by not paying too much attention to others. We even run away from people we know if I we happen to see them in a supermarket and they didn’t see us yet, we’re ust shy! :D I’m also pretty sure that the dark, Finnish sense of humour (we’re the kings of dank memes btw) can also often go way over other people’s heads and what we meant as a deadpan dark humour can seem like something very offending to those who have gotten used to a very different and more light-hearted humour.

Finns can seem very pessimistic. I was once watching a video, because I’m learning German, about how different the people of Berlin are to other Germans and they have this very similar “attitude” to things as people from Nordic Countries too: instead of saying “oh that’s a great one” we tend to say “well it could be worse”, but we mean exactly the same with this.

Finns are also very humble and we just HATE bragging and we don’t like it at all if someone else is bragging about themselves, which is why especially Americans easily get our nerves. We even have a saying that goes “self praise stinks” because no one likes someone who loves themselves too loudly. That’s why we find it hard to take in compliments and instead of a “Oh thank you!” you get something like “Oh that was nothing, really, not a big deal at all...” but on the inside we’re very flattered, just too shy to show our true feelings.

I guess this answers to the both aspects of this question!

***

19. do you like your country’s flag and/or emblem? what about the national anthem?

The flag is a white one with a blue cross and yeah it’s nice. It looks calm and it’s just... simple. At least I don’t have trouble remembering which color is which unlike with all those flags with two or more stripes. I legit cannot remember in which order they go in which countries’ flags and whether a country as horizontal or vertical stripes. So at least that is nice, otherwise I probably wouldn’t be able to draw the Finnish flag either. I associate the colors with Finland because they’ve always been there so I couldn’t even imagine a different kind of flag at all.

The emblem then is a yellow lion on a red background, with some swords. And flowers because... why the heck not? No but I honestly have no clue why it’s a lion. There’s never been lions in Finland? Other than in zoos and our biggest wild cat species is lynx so... why a lion? (I clearly have to do some googling here.)

The national anthem is a bit boring one and I don’t know if I’ve ever even read the full lyrics. At least I never could memorize them... but I guess it sounds like... Finland.

***

22. what makes you proud about your country? what makes you ashamed?

I’m proud about lots of things. There’s many things Finland has done right and what other countries should really learn from, e.g. how to deal with homelessness. And how a democratic country actually works. And how cops should actually be like - there’s more racism from other agencies than from the police in Finland, and withing the past 20 years only 7 people have died from polices’ bullets and they were occassions where these people were going to harm other people or themselves. And every time a police uses their gun, that will be investigated thoroughly to see if anything was done wrong there and if it looks like there was no right to use the gun, there will be consequences.

There’s also lots of things that cannot really compared to the other European countries, like the laws about animals, for example. I eat organic meat that comes from Finland because it’s nothing like the meat industry in other places in Europe (I think all Nordic Countries are a lot like Finland with this). An ex-friend once tried to convince me of why also organic meat is bad and animals get treated badly but this person did not understand that you can’t send me photos from farms in another European country far from Finland because it is so far from how things are in Finland to begin with. Our animal right laws are a lot stricter than anywhere else in the Europe and I really trust the agriculture of Finland and there are no big secrets, most farmers also have voluntarily signed up to a website that shows their vet checkup results etc. publicly, which is great because it means they care about the animals too and not just about making money. (Of course Finland is not perfect and occassionally farms with terrible animal healthcare issues are found and there’s still lots of things where we could improve, but I’m saying that, at the moment, animals in Finland [and Nordic Countries] do have a lot better rights and lives than anywhere else in Europe or even in the World we have only a small portition of the problems that are present in other European countries’ intensive farming habits on a daily basis.)

And from here we get to what makes me ashamed: our justice system. It’s way too easy on people! I mean, our “lifetime” is not lifetime, every goddamned murderer will get to walk free after a decade or so, sometimes a lot earlier if they are behaving nice, and we have already had so many cases where someone has got out and then killed yet another person. But for some reason we just can’t keep murderers behind the bars because apparently Finland believes that sociopaths won’t kill ever again if they behave nice in the jail (which btw are more like hotels here). And what about rapists, child abusers and other assholes? Oh, no jailtime, fine is fine!!! Or maybe in parole but nah, why bother put them behind the bars :) And despite the great animal rights laws, the consequences in animal rights crimes are nonexistent. You might get fined and they can forbid you from ever owning an animal again, but absolutely no one is supervising this. There’s so many animal hoarder/abuser cases where animals have been taken away and they’ve been fined and told that they are not allowed to keep animals anymore, and it won’t take too long until they again have a house full of animals, or they are again charged for animal abuse. And nothing ever changes.

But I’m also really ashamed of those loud asshats who keep shouting their right-wing views. What especially gets on my nerves is that when ever a transgender person is mentioned, these people just can’t keep their mouths shut but they just have to be there in the comments saying how... okay I don’t even bother saying what they say, you all know what transphobics say so all that bullshit and it just annoys me so much because I KNOW they are doing that on purpose to be provocative but I so wish I had some huge mallet I could beat sensibility in their heads but I also know they will never change their minds because they’ve already decided to think like that and they want to just upset others with their opinions. I just hope everyone would walk away from them because if no one answers for them, I’m sure they would stop eventually because no one bothers to continue bullying if there’s no one around to bully anymore.

***

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal?

Very rarely. Usually it’s another “torilla tavataan” moment if Finland is mentioned in an American TV as it’s so rare, and usually then everyone will know about it even if they wouldn’t be interested in the media. Usually there’s been a Finnish person or a person with Finnish roots making that media whenever it gets mentioned (e.g. Iron Sky was made by a Finnish team). But usually it’s rather annoying because of course Russia is always mentioned everywhere and sometimes even Sweden! But Finland? Neverheard. Which probably is the reason because most Americans have never even heard of Finland and they have absolutely no clue where that is and if that is even a real place.

More often Finland is linked to Santa Claus but even then they get it wrong because Americans believe Santa comes from the North Pole and the North Pole is not in Finland (and Santa comes from Finland and not from the North Pole :D). And one common belief is also that there’s polar bears in Finland. No, there is none. Just regular Eurasian brown bears but no polar bears.

[modern-oedipus]

Rant aside, OH MY GOD what a day today was!!! What a fucked up midterm it was!!! But what a brave thing I did after that kinda left me speechless!!! Also wow... for once in my life I memorized something accurately for the midterm.

MONDAY IS THE LAST MIDTERM though I will have quizzes. I AM SOOOOO EAGER TO UPDATE CONFLICT. I checked the draft I am working on— Apprently, Peter/Norman parts are finished by now (THANK GOD IT was SO FUCKED UP TO WRITE THEM) and RayEmma part will flow easier for me. Then there will be that good nice weird moment where our main boys finally meet, huh. Or will they? Hmm let’s see. ;)

I am now also officially allowed to write a spin off for To Die For and my brain has 4948484848 ideas for that wonderful storyline which includes Ray and Norman being very in love.

HMM WHAT ELSE. I have finally shapened the main idea for the song I am composing. It’s exciting.

I’m applying a new project tomorrow. I really hope I can get accepted. I’m so eager for it. I can’t tell for sure if they’ll choose me, who knows, but I want to hope for the good. I really am passionate about the project because as I mentioned I really want my life to have a meaning so it sounds fucking awesome to CURE DISEASES on YOUR FREE TIME like??? I know an undergrad project will probably not wholly cure whole thing but... a progress is a progress right? It is sooo much more fullfilling than just scrolling on instagram for hours, you know. Being in lab and doing good shit. So let’s see. I hope I’ll get accepted. Who knows.

I finally published my article for newspaper like FUCK, it took me forever. Eager to write next one!!!

I ALSO WANT TO START SOME NEW NEW YEAR’S GOAL EARLIER IN ADVANCE SO I CAN BUILD ITS ROUTINE PROPERLY UNTIL JANUARY SO I DONT ABANDON IT JALFWAY Butndjwhekdkckdnc not telling what itnis yet. Let’s see. You fandom will love it if and when I can succeed though.

THERE IS ALSO A NORRAY WEEK TO PREPARE A A A A A. A AA A. AA. A AA. A A AA. AFUCK

I am ASO EXCITED TO READ MY BOOK FOR ORGANIC CHEMISTRY EXAM DIDNI MENTION I FUCKING LOVE CHEMISTRY like its amazing to examine life and molecules

I need to work out tho I broke my diet again like RIP nila you need to watch out your body and stay as the sexy chick you sre I mean- just avoid pizza or hamburgers or white bread or any sorts ok? You have had them twice this week.

So yes that’s basically it.

IM EAGEEEER TOOO UPDATe

ALSO SOMEONE COMMENTED ON CONFLICT TODAY SAYING THEY ARE READING THE STORY FOR SECOND TIEM AND THAT THEY LOVE IT AND THEY LOOK FORWARD TO UPDATES LIKE IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I UODAYED SO IT MADE ME SO HAPPY TO RECEIVE A COMMENT LIKE A A A A ANA A A AA. A ALET ME GIVE YOU GUYS A GOOD UPDATE i just need time bc i cant have availability to binge write anymore jekskckdsksklwkeocvk

[bitchesgetriches]

Hi Bitches, I have a question that's not really financial, but more about maintaining empathy in this capitalist hellscape. It's long, so I apologize in advance. So. I live in NYC and there are homeless people everywhere. I can remember being a kid and having huge amounts of sympathy for the homeless in my hometown city; I always gave some of my allowance money if I walked by a homeless person, or asked a parent for a dollar to give. Fast forward to now. I'm 27, have lived in 1/4

           NYC for 2+ years, and have lost so much sympathy for the suffering of the homeless. I know logically that I should be much more sympathetic to their situation, but I also can't help but to think that they are such a nuisance. I almost never give them a spare dollar or two now. I mean, I really need every dollar I make right now, at least I think I do. My family & I just can't afford it. I loathe them for inconveniencing me with their shouting and their stench. I think that if they've 2/4   

           reached the point of needing to beg strangers for help, they must have alienated all of their loved ones; I'd never be in that position. If the people who love them won't help them, why should I? But then logically I know that's not true either. I could be in that place with just a few family tragedies. It's this internal battle I deal with every day on my commute: I dehumanize these people, I feel guilty and logically know I'm wrong, I do nothing to help. I want to stop my dehumanization 3/4       

           of the homeless because I know it's wrong, and because I know I can do better for them and society can do better for them. The homelessness problem is clearly related to this capitalist world we live in, but what can be done? How do I stop mentally battling myself and actually get over being annoyed and repulsed every time a homeless person inconveniences me? Thank you bitches for everything, even if this never gets answered        

This is SUCH an interesting question. Thank you for asking it, dearheart! And I applaud you for your self-awareness, pragmatism, and compassion. It’s clear that this is a mental struggle for you, and the very fact that you don’t simply stop the introspection at “Well IIIII would never end up homeless, alone, and stinking up the sidewalk” but instead are working to improve your outlook speaks very highly of you.

So let’s talk about homelessness.

As John Oliver so eloquently explains in this clip, the vast majority of Americans are sooooo much closer to being a homeless beggar on the streets than they are to being on MTV’s Cribs. Our individual financial security is fucking precarious! That’s why we write this blog! Yes, you can build up an emergency fund and save six months of your income, but when you get right down to it, most of us are one major medical emergency away from bankruptcy.

And if you can’t recover from said emergency, if you don’t have a support network to get you out of that mess... that’s it. You’re done. You’re staring down the barrel of homelessness and getting judged by strangers on the street for your inability to stay clean and hygienic while you literally sleep under the overpass and rummage through the dumpster behind Panera for day-old bread.

Now let’s address your knee-jerk reaction that homeless people must’ve really fucked up to lose all support and end up on the street. Surely, someone like YOU could never end up there because you have people who love and support you, right?

Sadly, a lot of homeless people are mentally ill, and slipped through the cracks left by their caretakers and an imperfect system. Others are kids who have aged out of the foster care system with no helping hand and no prospects for an education or career. Others are gay and trans youth who were literally kicked out of their homes and disowned by their families. Others are addicted to substances in this great nation where we treat addiction like a crime rather than the public health crisis it is.

Put even the most normal, patient, chill person in any of these situations, grind them down with bad weather, abuse, lack of nutrition and healthcare for months and years, and I guarantee they’ll get a bit surly. When you meet a loud, annoying, unhygienic homeless person on the street, you’re meeting them at their worst. I defy you to act any better in their situation!

All of which is to say that even a homeless person who you find personally repugnant and unsympathetic is probably not so different from you. Non-homeless people can be massive fucking dicks, so why not the homeless?

I know I keep using “you” in a sort of accusatory fashion in this post, and I promise I’m not condescending to you or picking on you. It’s all meant to reinforce the idea that there is a very thin line separating all of us financially stable people from the homeless. That alone makes them worthy of our compassion and respect. Basic human decency goes a long way to someone who gets alternately ignored and shat upon by most of the human race.

Here’s s’more on why we should all cut the poor and homeless a break:

"Poor People Are Poor Because They Are _____. Rich People Are Rich Because They Are _____." 

It's More Expensive to Be Poor Than to Be Rich

Lastly, here’s what you can do to stop feeling impotent, useless, and heartless when you see a homeless person and you can’t afford to give them money.

Vote.

I personally very rarely give money to the homeless. But I do donate to a number of charitable organizations that help to alleviate the plight of the homeless and impoverished in my country. I also vote for politicians and policies that will improve life for those struggling to make ends meet. I support policies and politicians who aim to get at the root of the homelessness problem--not just systemic poverty, but inadequate mental health programs, lack of support for veterans and the disabled, and lack of protection for children suffering abuse or lacking stability in their home lives.

I pay taxes in the hopes that my money will be used to stab the root problems of homelessness in the heart. When I see a homeless person on the street, I remind myself that I am making informed political decisions to help them. I remind myself that they are the reason I donate to charities and food banks. And yeah, sometimes if I can, I spare a dollar for their plight. But if I can’t in that moment, then I know that I’ve still done something on a broader scale.

You need to start thinking this way to alleviate your guilt. Be the logical, pragmatic person you appear to be from your question. And remind yourself that some day, you could be in the same position whether you expect it or not.

Good luck, honey. It’s going to be ok.

Here’s some further reading:

Ask the Bitches: "How Do I Protect My Own Mental Health While Still Helping Others?"

Raising Awareness About "Raising Awareness"

Raising the Minimum Wage Would Make Our Lives Better 

How to Spot a Charitable Scam

Judging Charities Like Judgey McJudgerson: How Can Your Donation Make the Biggest Impact? 

[jbeverywhere]

Easter in Poland

Ok, so if I wrote about Christmas (<-link) I should write about Easter as well. Second big holiday in Poland with many traditions!

And to remind, those traditions are in my family, in my little village and probably many of them are not known in the other parts of Poland ;) I won’t be surprise, but the main idea is the same ;) 

Easter doesn’t mean only one weekend. The beginning is much earlier. I wrote already about Fat Thursday (<- link) - is last Thursday before Lent. So we can say we start from Fat Thursday eating as much pączki as possible. Then on Tuesday there is like last night before Lent so last night of parties etc, we call it Ostatki. I think it’s quite popular to party that night (but remember only till midnight because then is Ash Wednesday).

Ash Wednesday - first day of Lent, we go to church and the priest puts on our heads a little bit of ash (from palms from the previous year). Ash means disability of human life, fleetingness (przemijalność), mortality and also purification, revival. This day we can eat only 3 times (2 light meals and one heavy) and without meat. During 40 days of Lent you can try to be better human, like e.g. stop drinking alcohol, stop eating sweets, etc, like you make your own challenge.

So now we have 40 days of Lent. Are they different days than others during the year? Yes. It’s like schools together with parishes organize days of reflection. There are like 1-3 days off but students should go to the church and listen to special sermons. Some priests (or others) can do it really well, but not all… And there are different ones, for children (with games, questions, stories), for teenagers, for students, for adults, about their “problems” etc. Some people like to do it even more intensive so for example you can go to monastery for few days to spend them with your thoughts, reflections. Why all of this? To start being better human, it’s like New Year’s resolutions. Because Easter is about revival.

Droga Krzyżowa - Way of the Cross - it’s a lenten service (english is strange xD), which takes like ~30 min. Every church has those 14 stations of Jesus way with the cross to Golgotha. And this can be done really well, really heartbreakingly but depends of the church and involved people.

The example from the village next to mine:

It’s like in the theater. When I was like 10-15 years old I used to take part in those performances ;)

Gorzkie Żale - Lenten Lamentations - another lenten service (every week) where are sung special prayers.

Palm Sunday - one Sunday before Easter. In polish palm is palma xD The day before (or days) we are preparing at least one palm for the house/family. Mostly it’s for children so when we were younger we had even 3 palms in my house. Now just one ;) The original one should be prepared from twigs of willow (or others) but you should put at the end some twigs with willow catkins (it’s the symbol of spring). Ok, so we have the base. That’s all? Of course no! It should be colorful! With maaaaany flowers. So we make flowers from tissue papers. Look:

So beautiful! There are many techniques, we even learn them in the school. And then you put also ribbons and voilà!

Why? In remembrance of Jesus arrival to Jerusalem. We prepare those palms, take them to church to sacrifice them. There are even competitions who has the biggest palm (like really really long ones - hard to suit in the church!) or the most beautiful palm.

What do we do with them next? We keep them till Easter, then I’ll tell what is next.

Some my childhood photos. Notice the difference of the weather. One year during Easter there is snow, another so sunny beautiful day.

One week before in the small city next to my village there is a market of handmade eater things. Women from my village were selling this:

Palm Sunday starts Holy Week.

Holy Thursday - normal working day but in the evening we go to the church to the Mass of the Lord's Supper (Msza Wieczerzy Pańskiej). It inaugurates the Easter Triduum (3 days to recall passion and death). The Mass doesn't finish like normal, is like cut. The Blessed Sacrament is taken to the altar of repose (ciemnica). And then there is time to keep vigil and prey there. Like suddenly the silence everywhere.

Good Friday - in many countries is a day off, in Poland not yet.

The only day during the year when there is not any mass. It's passion and crucifixion of Jesus. There aren’t any bells or music.

The Blessed Sacrament is taken to the tomb and then the firemen stand there to keep guard. They change ie every 30 min. It’s like a choreography. I’m always impressed, they stand like rocks, no moves, no smiles, true guards. This I’ve never done as a firewoman but read more.

During the day you can eat only 3 times (2 lights meals, one heavy) and without meat.

Holy Saturday - and here we start traditions! So in my family in the morning just after breakfast we are painting the eggs! Yes! I love it :D You can buy in the shops some special colors, markers, etc or you can use natural staffs to paint your eggs. There are many different ways to do it, you learn it from your parents, grandparents and also in school.

drapanki - you scrabble the shell of the egg, of course with some sense, beautiful picture.

kraszanki - you boil the egg in the natural dye, like onion - brown, beetroot - pink, etc

pisanki - you draw something on the egg (using wax and some niddle) and then you put it to the dye

oklejanki - you stick something to the egg, like some material - lace, etc

nalepianki - you stick some paper decorations

and much more...

Credits to Ruda! It took her ~2h for 1 egg!!! WOW szacuneczek!

-> Inspiration <-

My mum started to crochet “eggs”, just look:

Do you want to order? ;)

But why we do it? We prepare full basket of food which we will eat the next day for the breakfast (and later because there is a lot). Each thing in the Easter Basket has a meaning.

lamb - not the animal, calm down. It should be baked bread in the form of lamb but in my house we use sugar lamb (which we buy days before from Caritas) or butter lamb - a fundamental symbol of Jesus

bread - it’s like foundation, it symbolizes Jesus body

egg - triumph of life over death

salt - life-giving mineral, catharsis

cooked-meats - health, fertility and wealth

cheese - friendship between human and the nature (oscypek hej!)

horseradish - strength and lustiness

cake - special biscuit cake called: babka, symbol of abilities and perfection  

That’s the base, but you put there also what you want for that special breakfast. So in my family we put - oranges! I don’t know why xD I think it’s because it was something special in Poland in the past so to make the basket really special they put oranges and we keep the tradition. Also butter (for the bread) and the best - chocolate bunnies and eggs <3 mmm my favorite! Especially when you challenged yourself for 40 days without sweets then this breakfast is very special.

Basket should be made of wicker, decorated with the white napkin and the lace, with some twigs of boxwood.

So we have the basket ready, what is next? We go to church (yes I know, again) and there is food blessing. It’s a short ceremony, after that you can stay longer and adorate the cross or just you can come back during the day to do it.

Aaaaand! I did it in Valencia too! I mean, I prepared the basket and with Fede we went to polish parish to sacrifice it. Good girls :D My parents were so proud of me :D

Aaaand from childhood xDD

Those clothes <3

That day is also a day to cook and prepare a lot of food for Sunday and Monday, and of course last cleaning to have “perfect house to welcome Jesus”. We even sometimes laugh that before Easter there is like a total cleaning in all polish houses.

Then in the evening (depends on the church, but should be late - after the sunset) there is Resurrection. In the past (like 10 years ago) it was on Sunday before the sunrise. But they changed to Saturday night. So it’s a big celebration because Jesus resurrected. So you should dress pretty elegant. As a fire brigade we all meet dress in elegant uniforms to go to the church together and stand in the front the whole mass. Almost always I’m standing with our banner 😎 Then at the end there is procession, 3 rounds around church singing about Jesus resurrection and being happy.

After the mass as a fire brigade we go to our fire house to eat together easter food (eggs and sausages) and spend time together. I like this tradition :) 

Easter Sunday - the day of happiness, food, food and food. The day when the whole family sits together and eat big breakfast. All food which was sacrificed the day before. You take the “scented-so-good” basket and put it on the table, all eggs, bread, sausages, chocolates - it’s time!

And Valencia 2019:

In my home we use to drink cacao and/or chicory coffee that morning. That breakfast it’s very unique. And after it you are sooooo fuuuuuull. To remind - 40 days of lent, less food, less sweets. So now explosiooooon. Just after 12:00 my mom’s sister comes with her family to have lunch together. So more food. The soup should be żurek z kiełbasą (sour rye soup with the sausage).

credits: https://gotujmy.pl/zurek-kujawskii,przepisy-zury-przepis,230935.html

But in my home only my parents would eat it so we have rosół which is the best of the best :D

And the second dish schabowe and more meat :D For the dessert there are some special easter cakes:

babka - we put it to the basket

makowiec - poppy seed cake - this one depends which part of Poland, for me it’s christmas cake, for others easter

mazurek - wikipedia - with all the decorations, but to be honest I’ve never made it and it’s not a cake which you can find in my family table.

And you think we finish eating? No way. We just clean the table after the lunch and we put food “to snack on”, drinks, cakes ;) 

click to see the gif ->

Easter Sunday night is also special. At least for us from Moszczenica ;) It’s a night of fire (we say that we burn Judas) and a night of jokes. What? We meet (cousins, neighbors) and we make a bonfire - it’s to say goodbye to winter, hello to spring.

We drink and we dance, it’s a great outside party (like 5-10 degrees xDD).

And when the village, the rest is sleeping we go! We go to our uncles, neighbors to change something, like block the front door with some big planter, move the car, wrap a car with a stretch foil, just move things, to make the morning a little harder BUT still using brain and not being bad ones. For example, the road was blocked :D 

In the Monday morning you can hear many gossips. But shhhhh nobody knows! 🤫🤭😇

Easter Monday - Wet Monday - Śmigus-dyngus - this day we split the water on each other :D “I don’t care, I love it”. Why? The tradition was really old,and has changed. In the past it was like that: the boys hit (like a little bit) the girls with pussy (xD) willow branches and now we use only the water and the war is on the both sides. The gender doesn’t matter. In the past it was a little bit about “love” but now it’s just fun. When Easter is late, like the end of April and that day is sunny... wow! Then in the villages you can not be dry. Amazing day! And when Easter is in March and it’s so cold then yes... we still do it xD but more in the houses and praying that mom will understand xD With my uncle I have always a good fight. In the past I threw water over him from the window when he was outside he he ! :D But last year he was prepared as well and he knew... Also his method was to take me to the bath, too strong to fight... I could just scream but everybody was laughing so don’t expect any help that day. Sounds crazy no? But it’s really nice. And yes, villages, in the cities don’t try to split the water on a stranger.

Also that day my father (the man of the family) takes the palm from Palm Sunday, split it to many parts and takes each of it to different part of the house and places which belong to that house, like fields, forests, etc. It’s kind of protection from bad things (fires, droughts, etc). But it’s my father and he does it on Monday because his father did it on Monday as well. In my village you do it normally on Sunday. 

So this is our polish Easter, especially in Moszczenica ;)

[earthlyemily]

Is it possible to post a shopping list of stuff for a week's worth of food for cheap, shopping at Walmart? (Vegetarian/vegan) please?

hi, yes I can list a bunch of food and ideas here! it’s definitely more than a week’s worth of food but I hope it helps

Oatmeal 

Bananas 

Apples

Maple syrup 

Dark chocolate 

Bread (most bread is vegan, just check the ingredients for L-cysteine because that is duck hair and it’s gross). Some good bread brands are dempsters, villagio, Ezekiel, silver hills, rye bread, and more! I’m not sure how many of those brands are where you live though)

Avocados

Bell peppers

Tofu 

Cereal (nature path organics is my fav brand, almost all their cereals are vegan but a few have honey so just make sure to check the ingredients). But also most dry cereals are vegan anyways

Almond, soy, or rice milk

Rice

A bag of mixed frozen veggies

Potatoes

Red lentils

Onion

Spaghetti

A jarred tomato sauce (most are vegan just double check that there’s no cheese in them)

Mock meat (totally optional) usually there’s a section in stores of veggie burgers, a really good brand of mock meats is gardein!

Peanut butter

Jam

Tortilla chips

Salsa

Hummus

Some type of vegan cookies 

Canned beans to make chilli with 

And here are some meal ideas that you can make with those foods:

Breakfast:

Oatmeal- you can buy the small oats flavoured packets but those are more expensive, so I’d recommend just buying rolled oats or quick oats! They are way cheaper and last way longer. And then you can flavour them any way you want! They’re a great breakfast food. I always put maple syrup, dark chocolate, chopped apples, and chopped bananas in mine!

Avocado toast- just toast some bread, mash up a ripe avocado and spread it into the bread! It’s sooooo good and it basically melts. You can also top it with salt and pepper to make it super tasty

Cereal with non dairy milk. Add some chopped bananas in there to make it more filling and delicious!

Lunch & dinner meals:

Rice with a veggie stir fry

Mashed potatoes

Baked potato wedges

Red lentil soup served with rice

Spaghetti with tomato sauce

Peanut butter jam sandwiches

Burritos (a tortilla bread filled with rice, black beans, salsa, sautéed veggies and avocado)

Snacks:

Fruit Tortilla chips with salsa Veggies with hummus Trail mix Vegan cookies

I hope that helps a bit :)

[nemodernmama]

Top 10 things you could be making yourself!

Along my journey to be healthier I was shocked to understand the amount of chemicals I was consuming in certain products. I was equally shocked when I discovered how flippin’ easy these items were to make myself. When it comes to making changes, I am a huge fan of little changes that make big impacts. Try these out and let me know what you think!

1) Dressings:

Dressings take no less than 30 seconds to make. Seriously, 30 seconds people!!! They can contain as little as two ingredients (oil and vinegar). Once you learn how to make one you can make a thousand variations by changing your spices and herbs. Bonus: kids love dressing!!!

My favorite dressings are creamy I must confess, and my all-time favorite is an orange ranch where you substitute the juice of an orange and some zest for the typical lemon or vinegar you find in the standard recipe. You can shake your dressings in a jar or container and they will keep in the fridge all week.

½ c mayo

1/3 c sour cream

Tblsp milk or water

S+P and garlic powder (tsp each)

2 tblsp citrus juice (orange and grapefruit are my fav, lemon and lime combo is also superb) OR vinegar (white,champagne,balsamic,apple cider sooooo many options!)

Fresh chopped herbs (pair with your citrus, parsley goes well with lemon and cilantro goes with orange. I like chive and spicy oregano too, those I would pair with a vinegar)

1 teaspoon sugar

2) Smoothies:

Number one the price of smoothies has gotten waaay outta control! Number two they are usually packed with sugar when you get them pre-prepared either at the store or at the juice bar. People say sugar is the silent killer, but I don’t think it’s so silent. I think everyone just doesn’t want to hear it. Well good news people this one is also prepared in about 60-90 seconds depending on what you throw in your blender. Even better news, you can pretty much throw anything in there! Here is my family’s favorite recipe:

Two cups frozen fruit (WF organic fruit medley 2lb. bag)

One can coconut milk  

Bunch of greens (usually spinach or kale)

½ c fruit juice (usually pineapple or pineapple cranberry)

Banana

Any fresh berries on hand or frozen (blueberry, raspberries have seeds and my kids don’t love it)

3) Popcorn:

So apparently eating microwaved popcorn is one of the worst ideas a person ever had. Having a lot to do with the butter topping and electromagnetic exposure, tasty! But popping your own popcorn is so simple your kids could do it and it takes just minutes. You don’t need any special equipment, just a stock pot with a lid. You add your oil (we use vegetable) and your popcorn kernels and cover placing over medium high heat.  Shaking occasionally until you hear it stop popping. Let sit at least 60 seconds before removing top. You can add sooooo many toppings, some of our family favorites:

-Melted chocolate with sea salt

-butter salt and sugar

-salt pepper and white vinegar

-salt and parmesan cheese (not shake on, grated from a block)

I would love to hear what you try!!

4) Cheese sauce:

Who’s kids don’t looooove Mac n’ Cheese?! My kids request it daily. What if I told you, you could make it from scratch in the same amount of time as the boxed version? I confess I use the box from time to time. But as my kids get older and my boys are eating enough for grown 200 lb. men I had to start questioning what I was doing. Cooking 4 boxes of mac n cheese for one meal seemed excessive, even for me! Once you learn this sauce you can use it to make so many wonderful things! Chicken broccoli alfredo, vegetables with cheese sauce like loaded baked potato, baked mac n cheese, pretzels with cheese dip! I just love cheese 😊

 2 tblsp butter

2 tblsp flour

Seasoning (S+P, dry mustard, about ½ tblsp each)

1-1   ½ c milk or half n half

1-2   1 cup grated cheese (cheddar, gruyere,parmesan,any kind you like!)

Melt butter over medium heat, add flour and whisk about 60 seconds. Add milk and seasoning continue whisking, bring up heat a bit. Whisk until thickened, about 2-3 min. remove from heat and add cheese.

5)  Bread Crumbs:

How many times have you thrown away stale bread? The best meatloaf’s, meatballs, and breadcrumbs come from these leftovers that normally would be tossed. All you have to do is keep a brown bag in your kitchen drawer and throw your unused bread pieces into it. When you need bread crumbs simply pulse for 15-20 seconds in a food processor. You can mix with herbs and spices to flavor your crumbs. My favorite is S+P, garlic powder, parsley and lemon zest. For meatloaf or meatball soak bread in milk until you can crush with your fingers, add to your mixture for the moistest results.

 6) Croutons:

If you catch your bread before it’s gone dry but not quite fresh it is perfect for croutons!!! Just cube and toss with Olive Oil and seasoning (I use S+P, garlic powder, parsley and shake on Parmesan cheese) and cook in 375 preheated oven for about 8-10 min. until golden, tossing occasionally.

7)      Whipped cream:

Whipped cream is ONE ingredient, heavy cream. You need a bowl and a whisk and the cream needs to be cold. You whip until fluffy. My kids love love love to make whipped cream. I add a tsp. of sugar and dash of vanilla when I want sweet cream.

8)      Fruit syrup:

I give my kids plain milk and almond milk but sometimes I make flavored milk and above and beyond their favorite is strawberry. Once you have learned to make strawberry syrup you can add it to milk, serve over yogurt or ice cream, make a milkshake or use it to sweeten a smoothie or bowl of oatmeal. Just like all the rest it could not be easier!!

1 carton strawberries, greens removed (can substitute any fruit, larger fruits need to be chopped)

½-1 c sugar (I find one cup to be way too sweet but if you are just lessening your intake you may need to start there and then cut back)

1 cup H2O

Optional:

Zest of citrus (I always use Orange, it is just my favorite 😊)

Put in sauce pot over medium/low heat and bring to a simmer. Let simmer until it reduces and becomes syrupy, about 8 min. for strawberries, longer for larger fruits.

My family’s favorite syrups:

Figs (cut in ½), orange (you use peel, talk about multipurpose!), peach (skin off, sliced) and blueberry (I pass thru sieve)

9) Salsa:

I love salsa!! It is so good with well just about everything! I am not talking about that soupy stuff from a jar. I am talking about cilantro bursts and bright refreshing lime followed by heat from the jalapeno on the back of your tongue. I am talking guacamole for daysssss. It is just a handful of ingredients thrown into the food processor and pulse. Once you have the basics you can go nuts changing out the ingredients always having a super FRESH, RAW topping on hand.

             Two tomatoes, rough chop

             Spicy pepper like jalapeno, rough chop

             Cilantro bunch

             Juice of one lime

             S+P and garlic powder

             *MMH: Taste your spicy pepper before adding to the mix to gauge heat level. Much like women peppers level of spice can vary greatly from one to another even though they look exactly alike on the outside😊

10)   Memories!!!

The most important part of all of this is your relationship with food and your family’s relationship with food. When I stop to take the 10 minutes to prepare these items listed my kids inevitably end up at my feet and a memory is imprinted.

My hope is that just one person tries something new because of this post!  

XOXOXO

MK

[the-most-beautiful-broom]

100 questions

it’s long so it’s under the cut, but man was this fun. thanks for the tag @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold ♥ i’ll tag my loves (if you want to haha this is a lot) @dylanobrienisbatman @blueshirtbell @granger--danger @nightbleeder

1. What is your nickname? lol I have so many. Linds is the most common on here though.

2. How old are you? 23

3. What is your birth month? october

4. What is your zodiac sign? libra, but it’s only like 60% accurate imo (I’m not fragile, or a flirt? ya girl can be charismatic, but I don’t think that’s the same?)

5. What is your favorite color? green

6. What’s your lucky number? when I was in high school/sports, I picked 13 for my number because everyone was like oooo it’s unlucky and I was like cool, guess I’ll win while wearing an unlucky number then (and that’s today’s slytherin mood)

7. Do you have any pets? not in the city with me :(

8. Where are you from? california

9. How tall are you? 5’ 9"

10. What shoe size are you? 10

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? more than I should, probs

12. Are you random? oh goodness no. I believe in patterns and I’m pretty dang predictable.

13. Last person you texted? my sister

14. Are you psychic in any way? lol no

15. Last TV show watched? queer eye again

16. Favorite movie? IMPOSSIBLE <--stealing Kath’s answer on this one

17. Favorite show from your childhood? sooooo we didn’t have a tv haha my mom really really wanted her daughters to be well read

18. Do you want children? I want to foster!

19. Do you want a church wedding? I’m not sure? i’d want everyone to be comfortable and they might not be in a church…I do know that I want a brunch wedding though, bc dancing isn’t my thing and breakfast food is

20. What is your religion? I’m Christian! Seventh-day Adventist is the specific denomination, but nobody ever really knows what to do with that haha

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? not for me/like I’m sick, but for other people, yeah, too much

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Lol not at all. I’ve gotten pulled over four times, but never ticketed though.

23. How is life? better than I deserve

24. Baths or showers? showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? i’m wearing heels for work, so no socks

26. Have you ever been famous? goodness no, whatever for?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I think I would, to get to have that platform to make a change and give other people a voice would be awesome

28. What type of music do you like? something with words that mean something, or a melody that surprises you. I’m so weak for key changes though…I’ve always said that my perfect music is driving music: I can belt it alone on a highway at 3am, or laugh over it with friends in the afternoon.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my right side, with my hands under my pillow

32. How big is your house? it’s a nyc apartment, fam, it’s the size of a broom closet. it’s cozy though, and I love it

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’m so bad at eating breakfast…if I do get something, it’s at the bagel place across the street from my office

34. Have you ever left the country? ages ago

35. Have you ever tried archery? on retreats/for school; I wanted to be like robin hood

36. Do you like anyone? I might have a bit of a crush at the moment and it is stressing me out

37. Favorite swear word? so I literally never swear irl, and the first time I swore online was when I was writing my stranger things fic—it’s literally impossible to write dustin and steve and have them not cuss?? ummm I don’t know, they all have their purposes, but I think fuck is just next level emphatic. it’s crazy that it’s just a word, but it conveys so much when you use it

38. When do you fall asleep? if/when I establish a normal sleeping schedule, I’ll let you know

39. Do you have any scars? in the middle of one of my eyebrows, from when I cracked my head open as a kid, which is why I always fill my eyebrows in. also acne scars, which I’m working on not caring about.

40. Sexual orientation? straight

41. Are you a good liar? yes

42. What languages would you like to learn? Literally all of them, so many. I’d love to learn Tagalog so I could have that connection with my mom’s side of the family, and then Spanish is just so beautiful and I really should’ve kept up with it after high school. French and German and Italian would be nice too, and then maybe an ancient language or three?  

43. Top 10 songs? REFUSING TO ANSWER THIS <--again, stealing kath’s answer. y’all know how much music I listen to and cry over, so you know I can’t do this

44. Do you like your country? yes but not my leadership. I love the people of this country and I hate that the voices of the few are the ones that are loudest and that are yelling and that are deciding. the people of my country aren’t being represented or heard or protected and it breaks my heart.

45. Do you have friends from the web? I do! from this blog and I ran a fashion blog for a while, so from insta too

46. What is your personality type? MBTI: estj, enneagram: 2w3.

47. Hogwarts House? slytherin (as if anyone couldn’t tell)

48. Can you curl your tongue? no

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? emma woodhouse (I wish I could say lizzie bennet, but it’s got to be emma)

50. Left or right handed? right

51. Are you scared of spiders? not really? my sister is, so I always had to kill them

52. Favorite food? bread

53. Favorite foreign food? mexican (one of the perks of growing up near the border)

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I’m an orderly person…but sometimes that manifests itself in organized chaos BUT I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS OKAY

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? call out my coworkers and not be written off as emotional/sensitive

56. What color underwear? black

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? most days like 20 minutes? from horizontal in bed to out the door...but if i have to do my hair, tap another 3 hours on that, because it has to air dry

58. Do you have much of an ego? so this is complicated because i have high confidence in my capabilities and performance, but struggle with my worth and importance independent of those

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I don’t really care for lollipops, they just make me want to brush my teeth

60. Do you talk to yourself? yep

61. Do you sing to yourself? also yep

62. Are you a good singer? oh it’s so relative, fam. I can harmonize pretty well, so I’m a good backup singer

63. Biggest Fears? insignificance

64. Are you a gossip? not really. I hate complaining, and I really hate when other people complain; i’m just like okay so what did you do about it? 

65. Are you a grammar nazi? if someone knows better, in a context when they should know better, then yes. so like, in a paper, for a presentation, yeah. people ask for help bc I’m good at what I do. but also it’s such a construct that we judge people off of, so I work on not doing that outside of a professional/scholarly context? also I’m a big believer in knowing the rules and breaking them to make a point (see: all my lower case answers, run on sentences, etc.)  

66. Do you have long or short hair? I pixie-d my hair back in august and regret it constantly lol. it had to be done though

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? i mean, probably? I’ve been to most of them

68. Favorite school subject? always english

69. Extrovert or Introvert? literally the most extroverted extrovert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope

71. What makes you nervous? when I see kids wandering and their parents not noticing

72. Are you scared of the dark? no

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? if we’re alone and I can help them, sure. I despise when people publicly reprimand someone for an unintentional error; it’s just so inconsiderate  

74. Are you ticklish? I find people’s obsession with tickling so weird lol

75. Have you ever started a rumor? no

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? …did we not already do this one?

77. Have you ever drank underage? lol fam I don’t drink at all

78. Have you ever done drugs? no

79. What do you fantasize about? paying off all my student debt, having an apartment in all my favorite cities, being able to travel. being an English professor. sometimes growing old with someone; most of the times being a mentor to younger women/getting to be someone i didn’t have

80. How many piercings do you have? none

81. Can you roll your R’s? yeah

82. How fast can you type? not very, which is funny because I work in IT, but I don’t type with my pinkies so that’s a mess

83. How fast can you run? lol I don’t run

84. What color is your hair? brown

85. What color are your eyes? hazel (green + brown)

86. What are you allergic to? mold and one very specific type of grass

87. Do you keep a journal? no

88. Are you depressed about anything? I disagree with how this question is worded but okay. ummm the fact that all my money goes to student loans and rent? misogyny in the workplace? hypocrisy in my government? the lack of love and empathy expressed by people who profess to be believers in love and empathy? that’s a good start 

89. Do you like your age? it’s where I’m at, either way

90. What makes you angry? willful ignorance

91. Do you like your own name? I do

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? no

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? not to be a cliché, but all children are gifts? Like I don’t want to physically bear children, but if they’re there, they deserve love (hence the foster thing-- there are SO many kids in a broken system that need security and someone to care for them, and nobody helps them and that just shouldn’t be)

94. What talents do you have? public speaking and writing. I have a passion for making people feel welcomed and known and loved, so I hope that too

95. Sun or moon? sunshine; I’ll always be a SoCal girl at heart

96. How did you get your name? my parent’s loved the meaning

97. Are you religious? I am, yeah. it’s been a journey—other people believing blindy makes me so mad, as well as people who never question their faith or grow in it, or act in a way that shows they don’t actually believe what they say they do—but yeah, my faith is hugely important to me.  

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? I have not, although the farther away I get from some things, the more I think I ought to

99. Color of your bedspread? white with gray tassels

100. Color of your room? white walls and an exposed brick wall

[freedomborn]

OLYMPIAN AESTHETICS

Tagged by: @zdravstvuysclntse Tagging: Nobody who follows me doesn’t also follow Noun sooooo if you see this and wanna do it, go for it

Muse: David Evans (because these secondary characters aren’t gonna develop themselves, lmao. Might do a Lucas or Nick one later on) 

APHRODITE:     laughter-loving.      sweet  smiles.     dressed  in  silk  and  satin.    flower  in  their  hair.     sees  the  world  as  a  runway.     unapologetically  sexual.   the  sea  washing  their  ankles.    in  love  with  love.   stirrer  of  passion.    cunning  concealed  by  painted  lips.    secret  daggers.   doves.    revolution  in  their  kiss.   delighting  in  the  waves.     flirtatious  winks.    strolling  along  the  beach.     staring  wistfully  from  a  balcony.  this  is  how  to  be  a  heartbreaker.     wants  to  be  adored.    gets  turned  on  by  danger.

APOLLO:       glitz  and  glamour.     art  galleries.      turning  the  volume  up.  being  made  of  gold. neatly-organized  music  sheets.     notebooks  filled  with  poetry.    bathing  in  the  sunlight.    the  powerful  urge  to  create.    collecting  vinyl  records.    beautiful  cover  of  wonderwall.    playing  multiple  instruments.   tasting  like  sunshine.    healing  touch.   speaking  in  prophecies.     smile  mingled  with  wrath.     shunning  lies.     sporting  shades.   hanging  out  at  music  festivals  with  their  friends.   sleeps  naked. arrow  to  the  heart. paint  brushes.     probably  has  a  tinder  account.

ARES:      armed  for  battle.     wants  to  raise  a  dog  with  their significant  other.   soft  spot  for  children.   gives  piggyback rides.   scarred  body.    blood  on  their   hands  and  face. willing  to  fight  the  world  for  the  ones  they  love.   fights  against  injustice.   warm  hugs.     well-worn  combat  boots.     boxing gloves.     bandages  wrapped  around  bruised  knuckles.   fist  raised  in  protest.     ignites  revolutions.   fear  is  a  prison.       more  sensitive  than  what  their  tough  shell  would  have  you  think.   exhausted.  damaged  goods.    force  to  be  reckoned  with.   red  roses.   curses  under  their  breath.

ARTEMIS:       keen  sense  of  a  hunter.     freckles  like  constellations  on  their  skin.   piercing  eyes.  disheveled  braid.     moonlight  peeking  through  the  shadows.  the  calm  of  the  forest  at  night.  lying  on  the  grass  and  staring  at  the  stars.   mother  doe  and  her  fawn.     protecting  their  kin.     the  moon  shimmering  on  a  still  lake.    quiver  full  of arrows  resting  against  the  bark  of  a  tree.    running  with wolves. bonding  while  circled  around  a  campfire.     not  being  much  of  a  people  person.      arrow  hitting  a  target.     popping  egos.   patience  on  3%.  touches  heaven  and  returns  howling.

ATHENA:    discerning  gaze.      unreadable  face.     quiet  museums.     owl perched  on  their  finger.    armor  that  intimidates.     eye  for architecture.     plays  the  sims  for  the  sole  purpose  of building   houses.    studied  the  blade  while  everyone  else  was busy  getting  laid.     big  fan  of  logic.     loves  brain teasers, ancient  buildings.     sweaters  in  neutrals  and  cool  colors.  hair  done  up.   can  kill  you  with  their  brain.     heads  to the  library  often  to  research.    sharpened  pencils.  abs  that can  cut  steel.  stoic  statues.   pottery classes.

DEMETER:     soil-covered  hands.   smile  that  can  bloom  flowers.   skin  loved  by  the  sun.   being  the  mom-friend.   can  lift  you  and  your  friends.  flowers  kept  in  the  pockets  of  overalls.     takes  pride  in  their  beautiful  garden.  speaks  to  their  plants.      leaves  rustling  in  the  wind.     stalks  of  wheat.   picking  fruit.   greenhouses. heart  as  strong  as  a  mountain.   values  simplicity.  daisies  dotted  across  a  collarbone.   curls  crowned  with  flowers.   folded  pile  of  sweaters  in  warm  hues.     pulling  out  fresh-baked  bread  out  of  the  oven  and  the  smell  wafting  through  the  air.

DIONYSUS:     drunk  shitposter.    on  their  sixth  glass  of  wine  before  you’ve  even  finished  your  second.   seductive  smirks.   untamed curls. rich  fabrics  on  dark  skin.      sleek-furred  panthers.    theater  masks.   stage  productions.   receiving  a  standing  ovation.     rose caught  between  their  teeth.      being  the  baby  of  the  bunch.    wild  parties  that  last  from  sundown  to  sunup.     creeping  vines.    inspiring  loyalty.   grand  opera  houses.    masquerade  balls.     rolls  of  film.   shattered  chandeliers  with  broken glass  scattered  across  the  wine-spilled  floor.  pouring  champagne  into  flutes.  lives  for  the   applause.

HEPHAESTUS:   the  calloused  hands  of  someone  who  knows  labor.      sweaty  brow.   flame  burning  in  their  eyes.   inventive  mind.   broad  shoulders.   steampunk  goggles.    nuts  and  bolts  stored  away  in  little  boxes.     ashes.   striking  a  match.     blueprints  for  future  projects.     fixing  up  a  busted up  car  and  giving  it  cool  upgrades.      wrestles  with bitterness. work  boots  have  seen  better  years.     wrinkled  plaid              shirts.   iron  melted  in  blazing  fire.     huge  jackets.    crafting  masterpieces.    greased-    stained  overalls.     fascination  with  robotics.  pain  is  fuel.   stack  of  weaponry.            even   their  muscles  have  muscles.

HERA:     resting  bitch  face.     dressed  to  the  nines.  cows  grazing  on  a  pasture.    cool  rain.  loving  and  hating  fiercely.    hand  clutching  a  string  of  pearls.     large  chandelier  with glittering  crystals.   plays  the  sims  for  the  sole  purpose  of killing  off  their  sims.    romance  to  realism.     pictures  of the  sky  while  flying  on  a  plane.   files  that  under  fuck  it.   downs  glasses  of  wine  as  they  relax  with  a  scented  bubble bath  and  netflix.  like  their  selfie  or  you’re  grounded.   knows  57  convenient  ways  to  murder  a  man.   dark  eyes  that penetrate  your  soul.  marble  and  gold.

HERMES:   devil-may-care  smile.   always  up-to-date  on  the  latest  technology.   will  steal  your  french  fries.   does  it  for  the vine.     shitposter.   puts  googly  eyes  on  everything.   meme  hoarder.    long  drives  on  the  highway.   ma  and  pop  diners.  spontaneous  road  trips. folded  maps.   fingers  dancing  across  the  keyboard  of  a  laptop.      shooting  hoops  on  the  basketball  court.     chatting  up  strangers  as  you  all  journey  to  your  own  destinations.  goes  jogging  in  the  morning.  mixes  redbull  with  coffee.    menace  on  april fool’s.     hoodies  and  sneakers.  

POSEIDON:     storm  with  skin.    colorful  coral  reefs.    waves  crashing  against  the  shore.     stroking  the  soft  fur  of  a  cat.   their  heart  pounding  as  their  horse’s  gentle  trot  speeds  into  a  gallop.   tousled  locks. clothes  smeared  with  paint.    owns  several  sketchbooks  yet  always yearns  to  own  more.    leather  jackets.   fondness  for  diy projects.    handwriting  that  flows  across  the  page.    nimble fingers  playing  the  strings  of  a  violin.     velvety  singing voice  that  haunts  your  dreams.   mood  as  ever-changing  as  the sea.   the  roar  of  a  motorcycle.   compass  with  a  spinning arrow.

ZEUS:   thunder  in  their  heart.   running  on  coffee.  flash  of  lightning.    natural charisma. eloquence.   badass  in  a  nice  suit.  aficionado  of  history.   force of nature.   lenny face.   nightmare-filled  nights.  proud  arm  around  their  lover’s  waist. high-rise  buildings. planes  soaring  through  a  cloudless  sky.  technician  on  the  piano.  maintains  order.   strong  handshake.   juggling  multiple  events  on  their  busy  schedule with  ease. expensive watch.

[benjamingarden]

Monthly Meal Plan + Grocery Haul: February 2020

  Grocery shopping has changed quite a bit for us as compared to pre-pandemic.  Has it for you as well?  I used to shop monthly at a handful of stores so we could work to spend the least amount possible.  Now days we are definitely paying more so we can limit our shopping mainly to 3 stores.  Of course there have been price increases as well with many items, so that doesn't help.  Regardless, having a well stocked pantry and freezer has been a huge benefit.

Here we go:

Total Amount Spent for February: $336.55 = $84.14/week.

Whole Foods - $71.35

Hannaford - $86.13

BJ's - $179.07

Like last month we will need a re-stock on milk and half & half in a couple of weeks and may get fresh greens at that time as well. 

A note about our groceries:

You won't see meat or veggies purchased much because we have both stockpiled in our freezers for winter & spring, and grow many of our own veggies during the growing season.  When we do purchase meat it's usually in large quantity (for re-stocking the freezer) and most of it is purchased from local farmers.  Eggs should not show up on our grocery lists as our chickens supply us with those.  Our shopping of boxed/bagged/jarred items is usually for re-stocking our pantry.

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Our Groceries:

Whole Foods

Fruit/Veg - my husband's favorite fruit, grapes ($2.99/lb), were on the list as were more sweet potatoes ($1.99/lb) (this time Hanna Sweet Potatoes), organic Envy apples ($1.79/lb), mini cucumbers ($3.99), cilantro ($1.49), and parsley ($1.49).  The avocados were placed in this photo by mistake.  They are accounted for in the Hannaford list because that's where they were purchased.

"Dairy" - of course I bought more Oately ($4.99/ea), no surprise there.  I also bought my 2 favorite non-dairy butters.  I rarely have oils/butters so they will last a while.  If you are looking for a good non-dairy butter and haven't tried either the Foragers ($5.99) or Milkadamia ($3.59), I can recommend both.  Foragers tastes like a cultured butter with a bit of a tang and Milkadamia is just a clean buttery flavor.  Neither have palm oil if you're looking to avoid that as well.

Pantry - I like the King Arthur Organic Bread Flour ($9.99) for no-knead bread and pizza dough.  I can't get the organic in the 2 regular stores I shop at so I usually either order it from King Arthur in bulk or purchase it at Whole Foods.  Date Syrup ($7.99) - ok, yes, I know I can make this cheaper.  Here's the issue.  I have yet to be able to successfully make it as smooth as the syrup you buy.  I use it in my coffee so if it has any chunks at all it's unappetizing.  For any of you who make your own, any tips?  I think it's my blender.  I have a vitamix and I do not like it at all.

Other - sometimes I purchase pre-made hummus and Hope brand is one that I really like.  I bought the Spicy Avocado (sooooooo good) ($2.70) and Original ($2.70)

Hannaford

Fruit/Veg - Avocados (shown by accident in the Whole Foods photo) (.49/ea), fresh salad greens (Little Leaf Farms $3.99/ea, Arugula 2 for $6.00), broccoli crowns ($1.69/lb), and I bought a package of mushrooms ($4.99) in case I couldn't get any at BJ's.

Meat - A package of little cocktail sausages ($4.29) as an option for Jay for lunch (pigs in a blanket with honey mustard dipping sauce), canned chopped clams ($3.19/ea) and bottled clam juice ($1.79/ea) for Clam Linguine later in the month.

Dairy - we had to buy milk at the store since we are only selling at the farmers market once a month right now.  Local milk ($2.89), half & half (2.59/ea.) and cream ($1.99).  And my husbands favorite butter ($6.99/ea) - 2 tubs because they run out of the large ones frequently.

Other - white vinegar ($2.69), rotisserie chicken spice blend ($4.99), Dentek floss sticks ($2.79), organic powdered sugar ($4.19) and organic brown sugar ($4.19), both of which we rarely use but I like to have them on hand, just in case.  Salsa ($2.99) for days when I don't make any.

BJ's

Fruit/Veg - Kiwi fruit ($6.49 for 3lbs), mushrooms ($3.59), 3 bags frozen organic blueberries ($9.99/ea), 3 bags frozen organic cherries ($13.99/ea), POM Juice for the husband ($8.99), and 5 lb bag of sweet onions ($5.99).

Dairy & Meat - we have not been able to purchase all of the chicken we wanted to put in the freezer from a local farmer so we bought boneless skinless chicken thighs ($12.64 - just over $2.00/lb).  Cheese sticks (Jay likes them wrapped with pepperoni and a bit of pizza dough then baked and served with pizza sauce) ($7.49)

Other - tri-color organic quinoa ($8.49), a special treat for my husband - PEEPS! ($9.99), cashews ($16.99), macadamias ($9.49) - both nuts are for Jays goji berry trail mix (noted in last month's post).  Rao's marinara ($8.99) (the BEST once our homemade is used up), and Ro-Tel canned tomatoes ($7.99).

February's Meal Plan

A Note About Our Meal Plans

I create monthly meal plans because it's what I've found to be easiest for me.  There may be some change but usually not much.  Changing works because I rotate the same 30+ meals so we would use the ingredients at some point over the next 30-45 days.  If we have perishables that need to be used up then that becomes priority and I may make changes to avoid food waste.

I usually make 2 separate meals - Jay and I eat completely different at this point.  He used to be willing to eat what I eat as his side but not so much anymore.  He's not a fan of whole grains and can only tolerate one type of veggie per meal.  So.....you can see that I tend to eat the same thing multiple nights because it's easy and I don't mind at all.  Where there's only one meal noted, I make a meat & cheese version for him and a vegan version for me.  Where there's no veggie side noted for him I use whatever I've got that needs using up or I select a frozen veggie.

You will see that for Jays meals there are a few noticeable rotations.  

In general, chicken meals are Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays.  Pork is Tuesdays.  And Beef is Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.  This is in part due to the fact that he tells me it's illegal to serve chicken 2 days in a row.  (insert eye roll)  

Also, other then the occasional new recipe that I try, his meals rotate about every month and a half (a different rotation will show up for summer).  

Our Sundays rotate around the same 4 meals (Tamales, Tacos, Homemade Pizza, and Pot Roast) because it's our farmers market day which means I want something super simple to make.  I do not make the tamales, we love those by Tucson Tamale (not an affiliate link).  Around us we can find a small variety at Healthy Living.  Tucson Tamale offers meat, vegetarian, and vegan varieties and they are sooooo delicious.  They do use oil in all of their tamales so if you are completely oil-free this is unfortunately not an option for you.

I remembered to photograph some of the meals!

Quick & Easy Chicken Parm

Homemade Hamburger Helper

Spinach & Sausage Stuffed Manicotti

Stuffed Pepper Casserole

Recipe Links:

Baked Cream Cheese Spaghetti (Damn Delicious)

Chicken Fajita Rice (The Girl Who Ate Everything)

Lentil Loaf (Simple Veganista)

Oven Baked BBQ Pork Ribs

Quick & Easy Chicken Parm

Homemade Hamburger Helper (Damn Delicious - I sub chicken stock for the beef stock)

Homemade Pizza - this is the pizza dough recipe we use

Spinach & Sausage Manicotti (South Your Mouth)

Bourbon Dijon Ham Steak (Martha Stewart - is delicious without the bourbon as well)

Slow-Cooker Mississippi Pot Roast

Monthly Meal Plan + Grocery Haul: February 2020 was originally posted by My Favorite Chicken Blogs(benjamingardening)

[didiletyouknooow]

48. I Could Have Lied

Hey!

So here is the new chapter. I had a lot of time for writing this weekend.

I hope you like it and don’t hate me for this ending.... :)

________

„Good morning my love“ Josh woke me up this morning. I was surprised because it was still early in the morning. But it was my birthday so I wasn’t mad at him for waking me up. “I wish you a happy, happy birthday” he said and kissed me. “May aaaaaaall your dreams come true!” he smiled. “Thank you so much” I said a bit overwhelmed by it. He didn’t only wake me up, he also brought me breakfast to our bed. “I wanna spend the whole day with you only. But first, let’s have delicious breakfast!” he grinned. He made everything I love so much. I mean, I’m a total breakfast lover. I just love pancakes, eggs, toast, bread. I love bread but it’s not easy to get here in the States. But a few miles away from Josh’s house there is a German bakery and sometimes he drives there to get us some German bread. “It’s sooooo good!” I said while eating my jelly bread. “I’m happy to make you happy with such modest things” “See, I’m very easy to get along with, right?” “Of course!” he smiled. “Sorry that I didn’t organize a surprise party this year” he grinned. “Oh it’s totally okay. Last year’s party was great and if you would do it every year it wouldn’t be something special anymore” “You’re right!” he said. “So, what about having a walk or even doing a hike later?” “Sounds great!” I agreed.

So we drove to the San Bernardino National Park and did a hike. When we arrived at a beautiful overlook we did a break and had some lunch we brought with us. It was the best idea we had in a long time to do this hike. “Wow, what a beautiful landscape” I said. “I’ve never been here before” “Really?” Josh asked surprised. “Never?” “No….I know it sounds funny because if you grew up in LA you think that people did see everything of the city but it’s not true” “Yeah, I’m living here for nearly 37 years now and I didn’t see everything” Josh agreed. “Although I saw a lot of small fucked up clubs” he joked.   We just sat there watching the nature just being nature. I loved places like this where you can only be yourself, no one who bothers you and no one who wants you to do anything. “You know” Josh suddenly started saying. “I know we had some tough months and I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you. But I needed some time for myself. I had the feeling you already came to terms with yourself but I didn’t. I needed time, I still need it. I still feel the pain and the disappointment and the sadness. It hurts to loose someone, even if you don’t know the person. I mean, it was only a few weeks old….” I was surprised by Josh’s honest words. “I know….it’s not easy and I can understand that you needed time” I told him. “And I’m so sorry that I was on tour almost the whole time and I will be on tour the next year. This sucks so much. I wanted to be there for you but I couldn’t” “Josh, you were there. You came to the hospital and cancelled a show for me. That’s everything you could do. And I really appreciate it. You were the best boyfriend I could imagine for such a situation” “Really? I don’t see myself as someone like that….I think I’m not a good boyfriend. Most of the time I’m not there to support you, to live with you” “Believe me, you are. And since music is your job it’s totally okay that you’re away on tour. It’s what you do, what you love” “Yeah but when something really bad happens I’m not there and that sucks to know….” ”Josh, it’s okay, ja?” “Hm….” “Believe me” I mumbled and put my head on his shoulder. “You know” he then said. “I really love you. I always missed you on tour. When I came to Europe or Japan or then back to Canada I always wished you were with me….I know it’s not easy to handle. And if you will get a job really soon we won’t have time for that but….” he paused. He did mention it. Maybe I would have a job very soon because a few weeks ago a former professor of mine called me to ask me for a job interview after he read my application for a job at a university in LA. He was working there now and he remembered me from some years ago. So I would have a job interview in three weeks.

“So….I wanna spent some time with you on the road” Josh suddenly said. “I wanna share as many memories as possible with you. And for that I give you this scrapbook where you can put all the pictures we already made or we will make in.” Then Josh gave me a dark red book. I opened it and saw a few notes he wrote on the first page.

“E….

This is for you. For you and me. We already went through so much. So much pain, so much happiness and so much luck. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I  wouldn’t have met you. You make me happy every day!

Let’s share our memories in Polaroids in this beautiful book.

In love,

J….”

Then I turned over to the next pages where Josh already stuck some pictures we took together. It showed us at Rock am Ring in the rain, in Belgium eating fries, at Roskilde watching Damon Albarn or in Berlin posing in front of the Brandenburg Gate. Now I knew why he took so many pictures lately. He already knew what he would give me for my birthday. I almost started crying when I saw all these pictures of us. All these good memories we shared in the last weeks that let me forget all this bullshit we’ve been through in the last months.  “Wow Josh, thank you so much. I can’t find words for it” “Oh you don’t have to” he chuckled. I kissed him as a sign of my gratefulness. “I love you” I whispered. “And I love you!” he said smiling. “I hope we will share much more memories together in the next years” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “I hope so too but….it’s not the whole gift I have for you this birthday” he then said. “Okay?” I looked at him. “What’s left?” I noticed that it took him some time to finally find the right words. I think he didn’t know if I would really agree with his plan. “I booked us a beautiful hotel in the Swiss alps where we can hike and enjoy the nature on the two off days the Chilis have in October. Do you wanna come with me? It’s also around my birthday so….it would mean a lot to me if you would come with me to Europe again” “Ohhhh really?” I looked at him with a surprised face. I think I couldn’t refuse his plans. Although this touring world wasn’t really my thing I would be with him and that was the most important thing to me at the moment.  “Sounds great! Yes, of course I will come with you.” I said and hugged him. 

While we were standing there hugging I thought about our last months. He was right, we had some difficult times but every relationship has it. You become stronger if you can overcome those times. Maybe Josh and I needed some time to overcome it completely. Maybe I should enjoy our next weeks together.

Josh had two special concerts in the next week. Firstly he had to play with the Chilis an acoustic set at a gala at Flea’s music school, Silverlake Conservatory. I accompanied him and it felt a bit weird although it wasn’t the first time I was there with him as a date but I always felt a bit uncomfortable in the public. But it was a great show, they played some older songs and later James Corden (yes THE James Corden) did a speech. Josh and I had a talk with him about music and other things later. He was so nice and gentle and so funny. I even did a selfie with him and then he wanted to take a selfie with Josh and me together. I think James Corden was one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.

The next concert was only one day later in Palm Springs where Josh played together with Bob Forrest and some of his friends a few old Bicycle Thief songs. I liked the show and Josh seemed to enjoy it as well. Bob told many funny and also crazy stories about his life as a musician and about life in general. Later that night Josh and I drove home and packed our bags for the next Europe tour leg.

We landed in Spain and although we were very tired we went out to take a walk through Madrid. But since we were both very jet lagged we only had dinner at a fancy restaurant in the old city and then went back to the hotel. I spent most of the next day on my own because Josh had a lot of press to do. Between two interviews he did he managed to have lunch with me before he had another interview at the venue. Later that night I went back to the arena where the Chilis played two sold out shows. I wasn’t on my own because at the first night I met Sam’s girlfriend Linda. So we ordered some beer and danced along to the music. I wondered who the two young girls were who were dancing and filming the whole concert at the side of the stage. Linda told me that one of them was Anthony’s new girlfriend. Wow, they must’ve been only 18 I thought. The crew and the band traveled to Barcelona where Josh and I visited some art museum and spent some time at the beach. I really liked Barcelona. It’s great when a city is located at the ocean so you have everything you need: the urban feeling with a lot of people but also the relaxing holiday feeling at the beach. Just like in LA.

October 

After the concerts in Barcelona Josh and I went to Swiss to the hotel he booked for us. We had two beautiful off days there and really made use of the little time we had there. We took a flight right after the last Barcelona gig and landed in Zurich in the middle of the night. Then we took the train to the little town in the alps. We arrived there in the early morning. The mountains were kissed by the sun and the sky was so blue I just wanted to melt in it…It was also October 3rd so I congratulated Josh on his birthday. I think I never ever congratulated him so early on the day. We sat there for a while on our hotel balcony just watching the sun kissing the mountains. I never wanted this moment to end.

After only a few hours of sleep we directly started our first of two hikes in the mountains. We did a break at a small mountain hut and enjoyed some Kaiserschmarrn. The next hike on the second day brought us to a beautiful lake in the mountains. It was still hot here in Europe although it was already October. So we decided to swim a little bit in the lake. The water was fucking cold but we didn’t care. I think I’ve never felt so close to nature before – okay maybe when we were in Iceland. We went back to the hotel with wet clothes and spent our last night off before the touring circus would continue in the spa area of the hotel.

The Chilis played two shows in Zurich but after the second show I had to take my flight back to LA because of my job interview. I felt like being a teenage girl again when Josh brought me to the airport and we hugged and kissed us goodbye. I really didn’t want to leave him now. We had a great time here in Europe in the last days and somehow I had the feeling that it would never feel like this again. I didn’t know why but I think we were both very happy during the last days. I wondered if this happiness would come back to us or if it was only a one hit wonder. I hoped it wasn’t. When I sat in the plane I started crying. Maybe I already knew that it wouldn’t be like that ever again….

A few days later – still a bit jet lagged – I had my job interview. My former professor greeted me and we chatted for a while until the official part started. The commission asked me some tough questions but somehow I could make it and didn’t feel that intimidated or petrified like I thought I would. The job would be a job as a teacher at school. Only a terminated job but I would get the opportunity for a longer contract. They seemed optimistic that they could offer this job for a longer time. After my interview was done I went out of the room and sat down at a bench. The next applicant went into the room. I think they invited 20 people for a job interview. I didn’t expect so many applicants here today so I felt a bit disappointed after my job interview because I think that my curriculum wouldn’t convince them. Some of the other applicants even started doing their PhD. I didn’t. But when I was waiting there in the lobby my former professor Mr. Bergenfels came to me. “Miss Puritz, it was great to see you again” he said. “I didn’t know you were living in Berlin for work after your graduation. Great step! I always tell my students that they should take an opportunity like this if they can. I know not everyone has the opportunity but you with your German background did it and that’s great!” he told me. I was shocked that he obviously liked my career progression of the last years. I’ve never looked at it like that. I’ve never seen living abroad as a big step in my curriculum because I only did it to get away from my ex Steve at that time. “Miss Puritz I wanna be honest with you” professor Bergenfels said. He originally was from Germany so that’s the reason for this German surname. “You won’t get the job at the university. Usually I don’t talk about this decision that open right after a job interview”. Okay, fuck. I think he saw my disappointment in my face.

“But I thought about it and….I need someone in my faculty” he then continued talking. The job I applied for was at a different faculty than the faculty he was working for. He was only in the commission who makes the decision in the end who gets the job. “So I suggest….maybe you wanna work for my faculty? I think you would be a good fit in my team” Wow….um what? Did he really offer me a job at his faculty? Okay where was the issue? “But it would mean that you have to do your PhD at the same time. Only then I can appoint you in my team. So maybe you’ll think about it and then call me in a few days?” “Um yes….sure…I….I’ll call you! Thank you Mr. Bergenfels, that’s a great opportunity” I answered still in shock. “Great. So if you’re interested you can call this number. They can give you all the information you need for a PhD in history at our university. You know I really like your curriculum and your attitude. I think you would fit in my team and I’m sure you will write a great dissertation. So just think about it, maybe think of a topic you’re interested in that fits to my faculty and then call me okay?” And with this offer he left me standing in the hall of the university. I was speechless. My former professor just offered me a job in his team and also offered me the opportunity to do my dissertation? I mean, I never really thought about it before if I want to do my PhD but….maybe I should take this opportunity?

Later that day I called Josh. He was in Bologna. I told him about the job opportunity. But his reaction was very reserved. “Great” he said. “Sounds like a great opportunity and you should do it if you want to” “Yeah, right? I still can’t believe it. I mean, I would have to work in the uni cosmos for some more years but….that would be such a great opportunity and the fact that my professor offers me the opportunity just makes me speechless” “Yeah I can imagine. Must be great” I had the feeling that Josh didn’t really want to talk with me. Or maybe he didn’t want to talk about this job opportunity? “So….I think I’m gonna call him tomorrow just to assure him that I will take the job. No matter which bureaucratic stuff I have to do to enroll at the uni for my PhD. I will do it!” “Great, do it” Okay, now he responded the same way three times in a row. What was wrong with him? “Is everything okay?” I asked him. “For sure it is” he answered me. “It’s just….I’m a bit bothered by some fans who were waiting outside of the hotel and filmed us” “Oh noooo I’m sorry….those idiots” “Yes but….I’m good” “Okay….I miss you. I wish I could be with you now. I wanna celebrate this job with you! But….we’ll do it when you’re back home, okay?” “For sure we do” “Good….so….how was your day so far?” “Just like any other day….we rehearsed and I had lunch with Sam…..the fans pissed me off here” “Hm…” ”That’s the negative side of my job” “But I bet the fans will greet at you and sing along at the concert later. Don’t think about the idiots….they just…..don’t think about them, okay?” “Mhmmm” Josh grunted. “Hey look Eileen, I have to hang up now. I’ll call you later before our gig okay?��� Well, he didn’t.

I spent my next days grinning the whole time because I finally got a job. I called Mr. Bergenfels the next day to tell him that I would take the job and he organized some bureaucratic stuff for me and then informed me that I could start my PhD in January. I also had to teach at university as teaching assistant so I would be very busy.  

I skyped with Josh the other day again. He was now in Paris to play three sold out shows there. I felt happy for him for playing in front of such a huge crowd. I asked him about his last days and told him that I was looking forward to the day he would come back home. Only two days to count. Although I really missed him I didn’t had the feeling that he felt the same. He seemed so absent and barely talked with me. Maybe he was stressed out and still bothered by some fans in Italy but….I didn’t know what was wrong with him. But I told myself not to analyze everything. This man was on tour for half a year now. I bet he was just very tired and exhausted.

When Josh arrived back in LA we immediately packed our bags and flew to Cuba. Finally we had one week in Cuba to relax. I remembered our fight about this planned holiday. Josh told me in August that we would postpone our holiday to September but he was busy again in the end of September. He kind of compensated my frustration about our cancelled holiday to Cuba with booking a hotel in the Swiss Alps. Sure we had two beautiful days there but I was still a bit disappointed that we didn’t find time for our planned holiday. But on our train ride from the Alps to Zurich Josh told me that we can travel to Cuba after his tour leg in October. He would have time for a one week holiday because the Chilis had to play a special Halloween show on October 28.

So I agreed and now we were laying at the beach of Cuba. Wow, I was so impressed by this country. After two days at the beach we went to Havanna and visited the old city. We walked along the river walk Malecón and watched some glory buildings of the colonial era. Surely we rent a vintage car and cruised through the city. We then headed to Trinidad and visited La Casa de la Musica. I could even force Josh to dance with me. I mean, everyone here was dancing to Cuban rhythms. We did a hike and later relaxed at the beach again. On our last days before coming back to Havanna we went to Santiago de Cuba and visited the fortress Castillo del Morro which is an UNESCO World Cultural Heritage. We took so many pictures on our journey that I couldn’t stick all of them into my scrapbook.

On our last night we were having delicious dinner and later went to a beach bar where we tried some cocktails and when the sun was going down we sat down at the beach. I laid my head on his shoulder and just enjoyed the moment. Josh was smoking a cigar and even I tried it once but I didn’t like it. While we were sitting there, staring at the ocean, I realized that all the good moments we shared in the last months were at places where we were far away from home. But every time we were back in LA we had problems again and fought a lot. I knew that it meant that something was wrong in our relationship and I noticed that we still didn’t talk like we talked with each other one year ago. It’s like something was gone. Something was taken from us, from our easiness. We always lived the easy going way but now we even started fighting because someone forgot to put the trash out. It was ridiculous but we couldn’t help it. It just happened.

“I think right now in this moment I’m the happiest person in the world” I let Josh know. “Yes me too….” He said a bit lost in thoughts. “Can we just stay here forever? Can this moment never end, please?” “Well….it will end” “Why are you always destroying my dreams?” I laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t want to…” he chuckled and looked at me. I looked into his brown eyes, his hair was covering one of it. “You know, I’ve never thought about visiting Cuba one day and when you suggested it I didn’t think that I would like the country but I fell in love with it immediately. I love the countryside so much….” I told Josh. “It’s just beautiful and the attitude of the people here is great. I love these easy going mentality” he said. “But in a few days you have to go back on tour and I will be home alone…” I moaned. “Come with me. One last time before your job is starting next year. I mean, you have time, haven’t you?” “Hm….yes I have. Do you really want me to come with you for a forth time this tour?” I laughed. “I would love to have you by my side every day of the tour!” he said. “Oh, don’t be so cute all the time…” I said and laid my head on his shoulder again. “Aren’t the others bored by the fact that you always have your girlfriend with you on tour?” I joked. “No, why should they? They like you! Flea is very happy that we’re back together and that we overcame this pain. I mean, Anthony has a new girl every tour leg but I don’t care. I mean, some of these girls are nice and kind to me but most of the time I don’t really talk to them. Flea will bring his new girlfriend to the UK tour and I bring you with me all the time I can” he grinned. “You and Chad are the constant, aren’t you?” I laughed. “Why?” “Because you have serious relationships going on” “Well, okay….maybe Anthony and his girls aren’t so serious. But maybe they are, I don’t know” “Probably” I started laughing.

Oh I didn’t want this night to end because tomorrow we had to go back to LA. But now I wasn’t that frustrated coming back home because I would join Josh once again on his Europe tour.

Sadly the night was over anytime and we arrived back in LA. Josh was busy rehearsing with the Chilis at the Fonda Theater for the Kroq Halloween Show. I went there together with Molly and Eric and we had a great time. I think I’ve never saw the Chilis playing in such a small venue before. It was very hot and tempting. I liked it! One day later we flew back to Europe. We spent Halloween in Munich. Josh and I went to a bar that was decorated very Halloween like. Together with Sam we had some cocktails and went to bed very early – right before the witching hour started.

November

The next day they played their first concert of The Getaway Tour in Germany. The Olympiahalle in Munich wasn’t crowded that fast. I sometimes looked out of the backstage area and watched the audience. While Deerhoof was opening for them this night Josh and I went to the side of the stage to watch their concert. They were kind of crazy and I didn’t know if I liked it or not.

One hour later the Chilis finally entered the stage. I watched their concert and got goosbumps when Josh suddenly started playing “Heroes” by David Bowie. The whole arena was lightened by flues or phones. It looked so beautiful. Also It was Anthony’s 54th birthday and the audience even sang him a “Happy Birthday”.

After the concert the whole crew had some drinks at a pub before heading to Berlin the next day. Surely Lara came to the show again. I spent my day with her while Josh was rehearsing and did some interviews. In the evening Lara, Felix (they weren’t official dating but I had the feeling that there was something going on between them), Josh and me went to a fancy restaurant in Kreuzberg. On our way back to the hotel I recognized a person jumping out of a bush running away. I didn’t pay it much attention because there were so many crazy people living in Berlin that I didn’t really care about it anymore. Josh didn’t seem to see it. But the next morning I was woken up by a text message from Lara. She also sent me two pictures.

 “Hey,

Maybe you noticed it yesterday. I didn’t. But seemed like there was a paparazzi or so who took some pictures of us four leaving the bar where we had some drinks in Berlin Mitte. These pics are now posted on Instagram by some fan accounts. Even fans of Felix’ band posted them because you can definitely see him in these pics. I just wanted to inform you about it. Maybe Josh can do something against it and the pics can be deleted?

Love, Lara”

Then I clicked on the pics she sent me. It showed the four of us leaving the bar in Berlin late at night. While Josh was hidden by Felix’ head in the first picture you could definitely see Josh and me holding hands in the second one. I sighed. I knew he wouldn’t like it. But in the end he couldn’t do anything against it because even if it was a paparazzi it already happened. What should he do then? After checking out Lara’s message I opened Instagram and for the first time in years I took a look to the hashtag #joshklinghoffer. It didn’t take long until I found these pics there. Some fans already posted them and were discussing if I was his girlfriend or not. Well, I think holding hands is a good sign, right? I was rolling my eyes. I noticed that Josh woke up. “You’re already up?” he asked me and yawned. “Yes….we were photographed yesterday” I told him and confronted him with the pics. “Oh no….seriously? Who did these pics?” “I don’t know. I think it was a fan. I heard someone running away but I didn’t look who it was. I mean, we’re in Berlin. Here are living so many crazy people” “Yeah….well, whatever. Let’s have breakfast”

I was surprised that Josh wasn’t that mad about the pics. I think he tried to suppress it.

After the “Zephyr Song” debuted on The Getaway Tour in Berlin the fans were all pleased. Lara and I enjoyed the concert. When the show was over I asked her about Felix. “So, what’s happening between you two, Hm?” “Well, we’re just friends” “Yes of course!” I didn’t believe her. “You spent like….every day with him. I know you two already had something going on!” “I know….but we’re just….meeting….as friends!” she assured me. Of course, of course…..I didn’t believe her any word! Whatever. Josh and I had to travel to Antwerp and later to Amsterdam, Luxembourg and Cologne. This would be my last station because I had to fly back to the States to organize some stuff for my new job. The last touring days were kind of weird. While Josh and I had quite fun in Munich and Berlin – although these pictures were taken – we kind of were both mad at each other during the following tour. We didn’t really speak and he seemed very pissed off. I ask him why but he didn’t tell me. It was just his feeling right now he said. Surely we did some sightseeing in Amsterdam but Josh wasn’t in the mood for anything. So we spent most of the time in our hotel room. One day we wanted to meet for lunch. He had an interview in the morning so I waited for him at the hotel lobby. I waited 30 minutes, an hour, 1.5 hours. He didn’t show up. I was so pissed at him! I texted him and let him know that he behaved like an idiot. He didn’t even answer. I met Sam in the lobby. He asked me what I was doing here. I told him that I would wait for Josh and then Sam told me that Josh was going to have lunch with Ian and some other engineers. Great. He totally forgot me.

We fought a lot during this day and later Josh played a very bad concert in Amsterdam. I didn’t care. I wasn’t even in the mood to go to the concert but I didn’t want to be the pissed bitch so I went there, sat down at the terrace and watched the concert. 

When we arrived in Cologne Lara texted me. Again someone took pictures of me and Josh. It happened in Amsterdam and Cologne. So it seemed like someone followed us around. I showed it to Josh and he even showed it to their management. Now it was a serious problem here I thought. The management discussed who it could be and when someone asked if maybe Josh’s girlfriend (aka me) was involved in it because she only wanted to have the fame on the internet Josh got carried away. He almost beat the guy up if Flea wouldn’t have stopped him. “I dare you to say this EVER again about my girlfriend, okay?” he said to one of the guys from the management. I didn’t say anything because to me it was just bullshit. I knew that I was serious with Josh and so did he know it. So I didn’t care about the guy’s comment. But Josh did.

When Josh and I decided to take a walk through Cologne to visit my grandma’s grave a guy from the security should follow us. That’s what the management ordered. Josh didn’t want it and neither did I but we couldn’t help it. So the guy followed us and in the end even he couldn’t stop the unknown person who took a pic of us again. I checked out Instagram after coming home to the hotel and saw the pic. There were even two pics that showed Josh and me at the cemetery. I found it disgusting that this person pictured us at such a private moment at the grave of my grandma. No one knew how this person could follow us without being seen. But this person must’ve waited at the hotel – undercover – to finally follow us around. Even the security didn’t see this person. So we decided to stay in our hotel until Josh had to leave to get to the venue. I followed him later. After the concert the van drove us back to the hotel and we left the car with our heads covered by sunglasses – although it was night – and our hoods.

The management of the Chilis decided to call the police because it was now a case of stalking. So the police came to our hotel that night and we told them the whole story. Surely, they couldn’t do anything but it was good to know that they were aware of the situation. The management wanted to avoid it that the media would get wind of it but it was too late. The next day a cologne newspaper wrote about the “Stalking case of the Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist”. Well, yeah.

The day after the concert in Cologne was my last day on this European tour leg so Josh and I had to say goodbye for the next two weeks. Because of the current situation we decided that he wouldn’t accompany me to the airport. So we said goodbye in the hotel room and then I left to catch my flight to LA.

When I sat in the plane I already felt like a cosmopolitan. I traveled to Europe four times in a row in the past five months. It was crazy. I think I never passed the Atlantic Ocean so often in my life.

On the plane I thought a lot about the past two weeks. It was the first time I noticed how hard it is to live in the public space. Since these pics were posted on the internet I even got so many friend requests on Facebook and Instagram because suddenly the people knew my name. Surely all my accounts were private and I didn’t accept any of the requests of people I didn’t know but….it was weird. I wasn’t a person who was famous for doing anything special. I was just Josh’s girlfriend but now people wanted to follow me just to see how my life was like. Just to see if I was posting pics of him and me – which I barely did. Or how often I was accompanying him on tour. I couldn’t get along with it. It just wasn’t my world.

But on the other hand I thought about Josh and how we both acted in the past weeks. First everything was great when we were in Munich and Berlin but then out of a sudden everything changed and I didn’t know why. I really asked myself what went wrong here? Again…

Josh and I avoided each other sometimes. We barely talked. Again, we barely talked. It was just the same damn shit happening like a few weeks ago. I hate it. I was so exhausted of analyzing him and his behavior. Why did he act like this? I didn’t know and I was too tired to ask him again and again, all over again.

This was also the time when I asked myself for the second time in the past months how long I could do this. I think I wasn’t able to live in a relationship where my boyfriend acts happy the one day and is grumpy and avoids me the next day. That’s not a relationship to me. And that was a huge problem for me right now. On the one hand I kind of missed him – but did I really miss him? – and on the other hand I was pleased to fly back to LA because I needed time for my own.

We barely skyped or texted the next following weeks. Josh only sent me some pics from Vienna to show me what he visited there but that’s it. And I didn’t really care. I had to organize my own life. I had some appointments at the university for my upcoming start of my PhD. So I didn’t really care how often Josh and I called or texted each other. But when these two weeks were over and I remembered that he would come back in one day I realized something that scared me: I didn’t really miss him in the last two weeks. I was okay with him being far away. I didn’t even want to know how he was doing. But what did it mean????

When Josh finally arrived back in LA I welcomed him with a short kiss and we had some pasta I cooked for us. That’s it. The next days we spent together but it still felt like we were far away from each other. It felt like I couldn’t reach him anymore. I didn’t know what was going on here but I knew that there was something wrong with us, with our relationship.

One day I woke up and I knew what to do. I finally realized why I felt so bad and tired during the past months. Most of the time it was because of Josh. I was so sick of him not talking to me. Surely we had some great moments together in September and October but that’s it. A relationship that only makes you happy at foreign places far away from home isn’t a good one, right?

So I finally realized what I had to do.

I told Josh that I wanted to talk to him this evening. He came back from a day of rehearsing with the Dots. I saw that he was very tired but when I asked him how he was doing he didn’t say anything except of “Mhmmmm”. That’s what I meant. I couldn’t reach him anymore. So I sat down with him this evening at the end of November and started telling him what I had to tell him. “Josh” I said. “Yes?” he answered looking up from his phone. “I really have to talk to you so can you please put your phone away” “Oh, sure” he said and put it on the table. “So….Josh, please listen” I started saying. “I can’t….” I couldn’t say it out loud. My mind already knew what I would tell him and he was looking at me expecting me to say the things I wanted to say. But I didn’t. “Yes….um, what did you wanted to tell me?” he asked. His arms were crossed. 

And suddenly without thinking about the next steps anymore I said it. 

“I can’t do this anymore”.

“What do you mean?” he asked shocked. “This….all of it….” I said and pointed at us. “You and me. I can’t do it anymore. I’m so sick of trying to reach out to you but you’re not talking anyway. I’m so sick of skyping with you but having the feeling that my boyfriend isn’t really interested in talking to me. I’m sick of planning my life along your tour schedule. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the adventures and journeys with you on tour but I realized that it isn’t my lifestyle. I want my boyfriend to be here in LA. But you won’t be here the next year and I don’t know how I should handle it….” I paused. While I was saying these words I was wondering if I lied to him when I told him a few weeks ago that it’s totally okay that he’s on tour because it’s his job? Did I lie to myself? 

Josh looked at me shocked. “I realized in the past weeks when you were still on the road in Europe that my feelings for you weren’t the same as they were a few months ago. I don’t know what happened but….I didn’t even miss you” I told him. Josh still didn’t say anything. “Josh, please, believe me. This was one of the greatest relationships I’ve ever had. You are such a great man and during our relationship I couldn’t imagine any other guy by my side than you but….my feelings flew away. It just did and I couldn’t control it. I think we should go different ways now….” “How can you say this?” was the first thing he said to me. “How can you say this? I love you and I will always love you….how can you say your feelings are gone?” “I don’t know….I wish I would….but….they just went away” “Eileen….seriously, I can’t understand any of the words you just said. Why do you wanna end our relationship? We were so happy all the time! Don’t you remember the moments we shared in Europe or in Cuba? Don’t you remember what we’ve went through?” “Of course I remember but….I have the feeling that it destroyed our relationship” “Why should it destroy it?” “Because we stopped talking. One year ago we were talking about everything that was going on in our lives but now….look at us, we fight about every little thing. It changed. A lot has changed and I realized that I can’t do this anymore….I just can’t! It burns me out every day” “How can you say this….I can’t believe you do this to me….” Josh seemed very shocked. I didn’t know what to say. “Josh, please believe me. I loved you, I really did. But I realized that my feelings went away.” “Feelings don’t just go away” he argued. “Did you meet any other guy?” “No….I didn’t. It just happened” “Wow, I can’t believe you do this to me….” He repeated. I felt so bad for breaking up with him. He had tears in his eyes and so did I. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made but if I was honest with myself I wasn’t happy in the last months. The first time I asked myself if I’m still happy was in August….it’s four months ago. I think I had enough time to think about my decision and I did the right thing. I had to end it until it would destroy myself.

“I thought everything’s fine when we were in Europe or in Cuba” Josh said. “Yes Josh, it was fine back then….but what does it mean if we’re only happy when we’re far away from home?” I said with tears in my eyes. “I….I don’t know” he said, his voice was very quiet. “I think we should stop here and go different ways from now on….” I said and got up from the chair. Josh took my hand and looked at me. I knew he wanted convince me to stay but I couldn’t. I had to go. ______

[recesspizza40-blog]

Healthyish Salted Caramel Turtles

Everyone has strong food memories around holidays or special occasions in their life. I can completely recall the distinct taste of boxed cake from my childhood birthdays. Summer vacations were steeped in melting grape juice popsicles made by my grandmother. And one of my favourite treats during Christmas, was undoubtedly Turtle chocolates. The iconic striped box was always within arms reach during the holidays, so as soon as the tree went up, it was like a Pavlovian response…the Turtle cravings began! If you live outside of North America, you may not be familiar with these pecan-chocolate-caramels (and for this, I feel very sad for you), but today, rejoice! I’m posting my own version, which is a healthier spin on this classic candy that you can whip up yourself with just six simple ingredients.

The original Turtle candies are relatively basic: pecans, caramel, and chocolate, but seemingly so much more than the sum of these parts. There is a magical synergy in this trinity, each ingredient complimenting and highlighting the others in perfect union. There isn’t much to improve upon, so my mission was clearly to health-ify the caramel and find some high-quality chocolate to steer us all away from refined sugar, modified milk ingredients, and emulsifiers. Blech.

I started off on my journey by looking online and found that healthyish Turtle recipes exist, but they all use dates and I didn’t want that to be the predominant flavour. Plus, I knew that the caramel needed some serious creaminess, so I started by blending up cashew butter with vanilla as the base, then added brown rice syrup to achieve that distinctive gooey-ness that makes Turtles so crave-able. The results were sooooo right on the money, confirmed by several of my closest, discerning friends, lined up to taste test.

Pecans are one of my favourite nuts because they are tender-crisp and so naturally sweet. I love them in baked goods like pecan pie, on top of waffles or pancakes, or in candies like these babies!

Pecans are native to North America, and grow in tough, wood-like shells on large, sprawling trees, some of which can live up to 200 years. The name pecan is a Native American word used to describe nuts that require a stone to crack – but you can easily open them by crushing two of their hard shells together.

Along with macadamias, pecans contain the lowest amount of protein (5-10%) and the highest amount of fat (80-95%) of all the nuts. The fat that they do contain however, is mostly monounsaturated, with some polyunsaturated fat as well. Pecans are high in minerals, like manganese, copper, and zinc. They also contain a good amount of fiber and protein.

There are a wide variety of pecans, but if you live outside North America, you may only have access to one type. That’s okay! The thing to look for is shelled pecans that are uniform in size and colour. Check the date on the package or bulk bin, and smell the nuts beforehand if you’re able to – they should be sweet, and well, nutty. If you’re shopping in bulk, visit a shop that has a high turnover to ensure that the nuts are fresh. Once you get them home, store shelled pecans in an airtight container at room temperature for up to six months (although try to eat them sooner) and in the freezer for up to a year. Pecans are highly susceptible to absorbing other smells, so keep them locked up tight in glass to prevent them from tasting like garlic, onions, or last night’s casserole.

I had hesitations about using brown rice syrup in this recipe, since I know it’s one of those harder-to-find ingredients, but it’s just SO perfect in this context that I had to! If you cannot find brown rice syrup, try whipped or creamed honey in its place. I recognize that this isn’t an alternative for vegans, but I think it is the only sweetener that would work due to how thick and viscous it is. If the caramel is too runny, if will be impossible to work with. Trust.

It’s best to store your Turtles in the freezer, and take them out about 10-15 minutes before serving. They’re also fine at room temperature, but will keep better cold. I actually dig them a little on the frozen side – the caramel is extra thick and chewy at subzero temperatures!

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Healthyish Salted Caramel Turtles Makes 30 candies

Ingredients: 1 cup / 100g raw pecans 400g dark chocolate, 75% or higher (chose organic and fair-trade, if possible) 1/3 cup / 80ml cashew butter (raw or roasted) 1/3 cup / 80ml brown rice syrup 2 tsp. pure vanilla extract ½ tsp. flaky sea salt (I used Maldon), plus a little more for garnish

Directions: 1. Find a baking sheet or tray that will fit in your freezer, then line it with parchment paper.

2. In a medium sized bowl, stir together the cashew butter, rice syrup, vanilla and flaky salt until thoroughly combined. Taste (yum), and adjust the saltiness and vanilla levels to your liking.

3. Scoop a teaspoon of the caramel onto the lined baking sheet, using another spoon to help remove it – this stuff is seriously sticky!

4. Press a whole pecan on one side of the caramel blob, allowing the nut to peek over the edge just a bit, then add two halves to the sides, peeking over the edge just a bit too. Repeat until you’ve used all the caramel. Place in the freezer for at least one hour, up to 24 hours.

5. Once the caramels have chilled, prepare the chocolate. Heat a few inches / centimetres of water in a small pot and heat on high. Roughly chop the chocolate bar into small chunks and place it in a heatproof bowl. Lower the heat to simmer, then set the bowl over the pot of so that it is sitting well above the water itself. Stir occasionally until the chocolate has completely melted.

6. Remove the caramels from the freezer. One at a time, drop each caramel into the melted chocolate pecan side-down, flip and ensure that the top is entirely coated. Remove from the chocolate with a fork, and drag the bottom along the edge of the bowl to remove any excess chocolate. Place back on the lined baking sheet and sprinkle with a couple flakes of salt. Repeat until you’ve coated all the turtles in chocolate. Place them inside the freezer until set, then transfer them to an airtight container and store in the freezer or fridge until ready to serve. If you want to see some of the pecans, drop the caramels on their bottom side first, then remove and place on the lined baking sheet. Drizzle enough chocolate over the top to fully cover the caramel (if you don’t coat it completely, it may spill out at room temperature), but allowing a few parts of the pecans to show through.

This will be my last post before the New Year, my friends! I’m off to Bali in a mere 10 days (!!!) and words cannot describe how excited I am for the Wild Heart High Spirit Retreat, and meeting women from all across the world. If you’d like to know more about my retreats, visit the Golden Circle Retreats website. We’re planning another round for 2019, so sign up to mailing our list to be the first notified when we announce the dates.

We are also taking orders for the Life-Changing Loaf of Bread Subscription Box! What better way to start off the new year than with a delicious monthly gift of health to yourself? If you want to learn more, or place your order, visit the shop page here.

All love from Canada, and happiest of holidays to you and yours!

xo, Sarah B

Source: https://www.mynewroots.org/site/2018/12/healthyish-salted-caramel-turtles/