#also this membership bs is making me scared

[literalsunhobi]

I’ve been to a lot of concerts in my life, but nothing has ever made me as anxious as the simple thought of trying to get bts/solo tickets and they aren’t even coming here anytime soon!!???

[bilboyagathechickenfootedhobbit]

This plays in to the post I shared the other day about women being scared of aging. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and your body. We should all do that. But you can just eat a healthy diet, stay hydrated, and do some general exercise. All these hundreds of products that promise to make you glow or shine or have a dewy complexion or no wrinkles or whatever are just BS. Your body is going to age no matter what you do. It will sag, it will wrinkle, it will grow soft in some places and inexplicably hard in others. Your skin will thin and your eyes will grow lines around them. It happens. Again, a healthy diet and staying hydrated and active will do more for your skin and joints than any product you can slather on your body.

I won’t lie, I have stood in the beauty section many times, looking over hair masks and skin serums and face lifts in a bottle and debated trying it “just this once, to see…..” But I stop myself. Because that’s a path I don’t want to go down. Because there will always be one more new “secret product that will fix EVERYTHING”………until it doesn’t. At which point there will be three more miracle products to replace that one. And when those don’t work, don’t worry, now there’s an entire skin care SYSTEM that is 12 steps and only available through a membership subscription that will try to sell you add-ons even though they insist the 12-step skincare routine is all you need. But trust them, it will be the last thing you ever need to buy to be beautiful…….until it’s not.

Obviously if you take vitamins for a deficiency or at a doctors orders, carry on. But having worked in the medical field, I can tell you that the vast majority of people are taking supplements they don’t need, aren’t absorbing, and are pissing hundreds of dollars worth of nutrients right down the toilet as they pass straight through their body without being absorbed. A multi-vitamin will not preserve your youth and beauty, I do not care how many adaptogens and collagens and biotin’s they cram in there. YOU WILL AGE.

And that’s FINE. It’s what we’re supposed to do, it’s what people have been scrambling to achieve since the dawn of humanity: just trying to live a little bit longer. Our cave-dwelling ancestors would be amazed that we live long enough to have wrinkles. They’d be baffled as to why we would try to cover up such an obvious source of pride and accomplishment. “You mean you DIDN’T die from an infected cut at the age of 12? Get eaten by a tiger at 17??? Are you a GODDESS that you have managed to live to the gloriously unthinkable age of 40??”

And look…..pampering can be fun. It’s especially fun when it’s a treat, and not a three-hour obligation every single day. But also, all these skin/hair masks, body scrubs and polishes, creams and salves and blah blah blah? Ladies…..you can make that shit yourself at home for SO MUCH LESS and not overfill our landfills at the same time. I just made my own deodorant the other day because they want to charge me $15 for the unscented natural stuff I need to use. So I pulled out my Shea butter and coconut oil and arrowroot powder and baking soda and whipped that shit up myself for about $3 all said and done. I smell fucking FANTASTIC.

Hair mask? Oh man, just open the fridge, babes. Body scrub? Do you drink coffee? Have sugar on hand? There ya go. You’ll smell like Starbucks, it’s fucking GREAT. Got a little room to grow some plants? Grow calendula and make an oil from the flowers. That shit is gold. Seriously it looks like liquid gold and you can use it for so much. And you can grow calendula in a pot on a balcony with the right lighting.

The next time you’re debating dropping $40 on some random beauty product purporting to cure all your woes, stop and ask yourself:

- is this NECESSARY? As in, my body will shut down and die if I do not have this. Is it water? Is it oxygen? Is it food?

- is this something I could make myself at home to reduce waste, packaging, and overconsumption?

- is it really that important that I fulfill the societal standard for beauty that this product is making me strive for? Is it necessary that I have the smoothest shiniest hair? The plumpest fullest lips? The least amount of visible lines on my face?

- do I want to keep playing this game that has no end, no winners, and no point? This game that costs a fortune to play and the only outcome is that I will never feel fully comfortable with my naked face and natural body?

- do I want to keep lining the pockets of unethical billionaires making their fortune off the exploited labor of others and the insecurities of women like me?

Maybe your answer is “fuck you I want my serums and masks!!” That’s fine. But we do have a limited amount of resources and we are overfilling our planet with trash and we have a short amount of time on earth to enjoy ourselves and I really just wish women would be okay with their faces and bodies and aging so they could stop spending hours in front of a mirror picking and poking and plucking and microblading and needling and plumping and exfoliating and stone rolling and on and on and on, and just go outside and enjoy what our planet has to offer.

It’s not that far of a reach to understand that all this shit is pushed on to women because they know that if we’re so busy seeking the Fountain of Youth that it takes up all our time, then we won’t have the time to fight for the liberation of women.

I’m done with this shit. Me and my naked wrinkly face and saggy arms are going out into the world to fight for the liberation of all my sisters.

Will you join me?

[jimmycartersufo]

ti's a late night stream of bs

I am not looking fwd to work this weekend. a sold out shriver hall performance tomorrow and a private rental gala and the first ticketed Saturday and I had to tell a shitty member to not fucking harass and "scold" our visitors and she immediately started calling me abusive for telling her if there's a problem she needs to tell us first and not talk to CHILDREN she doesn't know and I told membership on her but membership won't be in until Monday which is my Saturday and ugh UGH I just don't feel like dealing with crowds I'm very tired and burnt out and my head always hurts and I just realized I have a gd meeting this Tuesday on my day off where I have to meet in mini virtual break out meetings or whatever corporate nonsense that is and I am so tired and this is the THIRD! weekend in a row now that someone is lighting fireworks I am tired I am tired I am so so so so fucking tired. praying every night we get our contract so I can have more pto and more pay I am so fucking desperate also I was feeling sad so we gave each other our Easter baskets today and I kinda feel sad and guilty now bc now I'm not opening it on Sunday (when would we even have the time) and I don't have a *thing* to look forward to BUT fuck that I do have things for ex we are hopefully gonna dye eggs tomorrow and John will make deviled eggs and my dad got Easter dinner food and we are seeing John's family after work Sunday but I am very nervous because his family exhausts us and also the food last Easter was literally so gross it was inedible like bite into a piece of ham and it was ROCK HARD inedible so I am actually scared. usually people forget about us and don't save much food but if they do I'm scared to it eat holy shit I miss going to my extended family in Virginia because my grandma oh my god the food was incredible. her deviled eggs are the best and there's always a platter with pickles and cheese and there's always brocoli salad (when I was a vegetarian they'd make one without bacon for me) and Watergate salad (my personal legacy) and green beans and cucumber salad and rolls and the best Mac and cheese not gonna lie I get offended when ppl don't bake Mac and cheese idk I guess I am spoiled but it's Easter and Jesus did not die for u to make bad Mac and cheese I will die on this hill I will be an asshole idc going to an Orioles game in likeeeee idk a while irs April 15, Jackie Robinson day, going with my team and I haven't been to a game since I was ten so I am so excited but so nervous bc my autistic ass needs to know what to expect so I literally watches a walking vlog and I'm still so excited so that's another thing to look fwd to not just the game but research OK I am too sore and too tired to continue I am sooo sleepy I've fallen asleep quickly recently like I out on spongebob and can't even hear what's going on and I'm like Huh and irs because I am falling asleep which is nice for a change OK now I'm done

[kittywildegrrl]

MAMA CAT AND THE LATEST

In Which MamaCat Temporarily Loses Momentum, but has a pretty good story to tell anyway.

Honestly, darlings, did any of you also get this email this week???

“I'm XXXXX XXX-XXX from Beijing Film Academy, A film production company based in Singapore.,I saw your posted on MN FILM TV and after reviewing your profile,i feel excited with your past experiences,Kindly confirm your availability and email your recent resume to(beijingfilmacademy777@gmail.com) so i'll get back to you with the job details.Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.Thanks and God bless.”

Make of it what you will. There really is a Beijing Film Academy but it’s a .edu, not a gmail.com. Just saying.

While Mother puts that research on the back burner, let me mention here that the whole #AllFemale1776In2020 idea is alive and kicking, even though it took a week off when MamaCat lost her elder cat (actual cat). Say hello or join up at www.happycatranchproductions.com and hit us up on the contact page. Don’t worry, we have not yet begun to ask for money.

Since last I wrote, darlings, we have had to bid our Lebowski goodbye, I did not get to start my latest temp job (so back to the interview & outreach phase AGAIN), the dryer broke so we have had to go to the laundromat, and there were some pretty nasty events in the TwitterVerse and the RacismVerse. Also the nastiest week of the hottest month on record, pretty much everywhere. AND THEN THERE’S THE “CATS” TRAILER.

So… yeah… let’s talk about showbiz and self-actualization and how cool it is when cool stuff happens... I’m just going to sit down here and think of beautiful unicorns who exhale love and fart glitter…

I had promised someone recently that I would tell this story: of how all of that traveling back and forth to and from various places, and focusing on what a sweet young Golden Girl can do to break through in her acting career, has begun to lead to some really cool stuff. Quick flashback montage to actual rooms in the actual 80s and things I actually heard: “You’re very funny but you don’t fit your type”; “We can’t cast you the way you are unless you want to go blonde and get a boob job”; “You’re very talented but you won’t work until you’re over 40”; “We just can’t cast flat-chested brunettes”; “You can always come back to the business when you’re older”…

So when I got older and got some theatre work and made some friends in New York City, I began to try to face my dragons and see where I can fit into the business as it exists in the 21st century. One of those dragons is called, A Camera. In younger days, I feared the Camera as some fear the dance studio mirror or monologue auditions. Whole lotta personal issues, cats and kittens. (News Flash: Actor Admits to Personal Issues! First Time in Recorded History! Ghost of Aristophanes Dies Laughing!)

I faced down the Camera Dragon by taking some classes through Actors Launchpad. I figured I’d be the oldest, or in the top 3 oldest, in every class – and I was right! And it was scary! But then in walks Amazing Casting Director, with a half-eaten wrap in one hand and a large nearly-cold half-finished coffee in the other. She greets me, recognizing me from a recent summer stock role, because she had made it her business to look up every one of us online prior to class. So in one movement, she simultaneously made me feel welcome and seen, and also gave me a big fast lesson in professionalism: look people up. Get to know them in advance. Start the relationships off on the right foot by acknowledging humans for who they are.

(I was suddenly REALLY glad that I already had looked her up in advance and gotten to know her work as a CD. See how that works?)

I held off in class as we began to do our on-camera readings. I wanted to see what the younger actors in the room were like, what the actors closer to my own age were like, what Amazing CD’s feedback was like… oh, BS. MamaCat was scared AF! I sat there watching my colleagues’ work while I was working on all the various breathing & centering exercises for calming oneself in the midst of trying something new with a lot of risk involved. And, as we went along, I thought to myself, I can handle this, I really can.

My scene was pulled from a crime procedural; I was playing some kind of DA or judge or something cool and authoritative like that. I had been studying the actors on Massively Successful Series (casting by Amazing CD), and the really tense, underplayed, authentic work they were doing. It translated perfectly as a guideline for my scene for class. I called upon the spirits of Streep and of Eastwood to guide me. My reading partner was a real talent who gave back as good as he got.

The scene ended. The room was silent. Amazing CD said, “YES, Diana!” The class applauded.

Not every class I took at ALP that first fall went that well, but I learned something every time, and I go back to Actors Launchpad every time I’m in the City. That’s one of the things I’m doing there in Gotham City, instead of the spendy, touristy stuff. And over time, it pays off in so many ways.

Fade out, fade in; Amazing CD has me in to read for an under-five for that Massively Successful Series. Then she has me in to read for Sitcom Pilot. She requests a self-tape here and a self-tape there. Then one day… she reaches out to me for a self-tape audition for an actual speaking role in an honest-to-Josh* feature film that will be shooting on location near me.

AND I BOOK IT.

Oh, the obstacles I had to overcome to get myself on-set for that glorious day. There’s a hilarious chapter about SAG-AFTRA and a lifetime of mistaken thingys. There was a serio-comic chapter about the non-union commercial spot shoot I had to back out of and the reaction that surprised me. It’s worth several more blog posts just telling those.

But here is the point of today’s missive: I faced down the Camera Dragon, learned from the experience, and by improving my skillset and my attitude towards booking work and where I want to go, things began to shift for me. I got my really and truly for realz SAG-AFTRA membership this year, working opposite the actual real-live Tony-Award-winning, Oscar-nominated, Mr. Frank Langella, he of Frost-Nixon and of Dracula, in a one-on-one scene in a real movie that will most likely really come out, and will most likely actually contain that scene.

Working with Frank Langella was like acting with someone you’ve known forever and been partnered with a million times. And now I am One Degree of Kevin Bacon.

There’s your lesson in courage and valor in the face of overwhelming odds, jazz babies and hepcats. You got this. In the words of Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, “Never give up! Never Surrender.”

 Meow, darlings.

 *See, “Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff,” by Christopher Moore. You’ll thank me later.

[geneshaven]

Grounded (Arrow 613)

After watching 613, I kept thinking how a lot of the characters on Arrow (sans Oliver, Felicity and John) should be grounded and sent to their rooms. Leading the pack is William and the Newbies. And maybe the writers as well, for the lame way they killed off Cayden James and slipped in Diaz as if no one would notice the tepid turnstile the villains came through this season.

So, William sneaks out of the Bunker after Oliver told him to stay put, that it’s dangerous out there. He shows up in the field and cries about being scared and not wanting to lose his dad like he did his mom on Lian Yu. Thanks for that reminder, William. Oliver needed to stay focused while he faced the bad guy and William uses his dead mother as a justification for following his dad. Did Felicity’s talk with him in 611 mean nothing? Did she not convince the lad that what Oliver does is dangerous? After 611 and the heartfelt family feels, William seemed to have a handle on his dad’s vigilante lifestyle, that he understood why Oliver is out there protecting those he loves and the city they live in. Felicity told him that he (as she does) has to believe Oliver is going to be okay. William conceded to this and appeared willing to follow in his step-mom’s footsteps.

Does William not trust Felicity or John or Auntie Thea? Does the boy not understand what Team means? All four of his new family members (and yes, I am including John) have knocked on death’s door. They understand what it means to have one another’s back. They understand that they are stronger together than on their own. It is all about trust---and faith. So disregarding the team’s safety because William was afraid---it doesn’t track.

So William, you’re grounded.

**

The Newbies. Since they went their separate ways and created their own facsimile of a Team, I have felt nothing for them but a slow burn. Their self-righteous, we-are-the-victims mentality is one of the most ridiculous storylines Arrow has served up. Okay, I’ll just say it---without Oliver’s influence and guidance, Curtis and Rene and Dinah would still be adrift in the mess of their lives, angry and in pain and without direction, without a  place and purpose to channel it through.

Rene is the worst of the three. He was wearing hockey gear before Oliver brought him into the fold. He was running in blind (aka Barry’s early days) and taking on the villains who were clearly elevated in skills and tactics and just plain menace. I mean come on; Anatoly got the drop on him and shot Rene with his own gun. Apparently, the writers would have us believe that Rene lost track of and the reasons for trusting and being loyal to Oliver when he caved in under the pressure and manipulations of Agent Watson. He should have trusted Oliver the same way Oliver trusted him. He should have instinctively known that Oliver has his back. The Green Arrow has saved Rene’s ass multiple times. But over the last couple of episodes, Rene has become a stranger to what he was becoming under  Oliver’s tutelage.  He was doing well at the Mayor’s Office, as well as part of Oliver’s elite team of vigilantes. He was almost close to becoming endearing to some of the fanbase who has hated him from the start. Wasn’t it Oliver who saved him from Church? Wasn’t it Oliver who risked his own life going over that highway overpass to rescue Rene before he was crushed from the fall? Wasn’t it Oliver who cleaned up the mess Rene created by going solo after Samson? And wasn’t it Oliver who opened the door again on winning back Zoe? The way Rene is now blaming Oliver for all that is bad in his life, (most of which he created himself) warrants canceling his Team membership card.

So Rene, you’re grounded.

**

Curtis, as always, has been written so poorly. Okay, if you roll the series back two years, Curtis had some promise at the start of Season 4, but the episodes were few and far between. He had tech skills. He was married (happily?) He did develop Felicity’s chip that made her walk again. He hacked a bunch of bees and saved the day. And if I remember correctly, Oliver inspired him to stay in Star City and fight for his home.

We all knew (via the comics) that Curtis was going to morph into Mr. Terrific; T-Spheres and all. I remember there being a sense of excitement by this. But at the start of Season 5, after being beat up by street thugs, Curtis was already putting conditions on Oliver bringing him onto the Team. Oliver asked him if he could identify the ruffians who whooped his ass. Curtis said yes and he will happily tell him--- under one condition. Oliver was right in his assessment that Curtis had the least amount of experience then the rest of the candidates when it came to mixing it up with the criminal element of Star City. His nightly beatings cast doubt over his ability to hold his own. He lost heart. Then he lost Paul (maybe he blames Oliver for that too.)  Then he lost his appeal.

I won’t even get into the writer’s thinking he could fill Felicity’s computer and hacking shoes. I think they tried too when she was plummeting down her rabbit hole, but it was only annoying and felt just wrong.

There was one more instant when Curtis tried to be appealing to the fanbase. It was in 520. He brought, or had Oliver pick up, Chinese food and bring it back to the Bunker to go with wine in the garage.  (Clearing my throat)….He brought our OTP together. Okay, it was a flashback, but we got some nice Bunker sex out of it. So good on you Curtis.

Now, he has added indignation and being a professional victim to his resume. He has sided with a traitor (Rene) and a secret-keeper that could have compromised the Team (Dinah.)  All of them broke the #1 rule in vigilanteing---trusting one another.

Curtis, you’re grounded.

**

Dinah. I’m sort of on the fence where she is concerned. On one side, Dinah has blown away any doubts of who the more effective Black Canary is on the show. Her fighting skills make Laurel Lance look like she is slap-fighting her opponents. Dinah is more fluid and is one mean mother with the staff she uses. Her fights are just more exciting to watch.  And her sonic cry? Come on, really? She can stop a speeding train with it. Laurel could muster up a loud noise to disrupt her opponents hearing, and she could occasionally cause glass to shatter. So yeah, I am way more of a Dinah fan for reasons.

Having said that, the whole Vigilante/Vince thing kind of seemed last minute to me. When Vigilante came on the scene last year, even then I did not really invest myself in him. Maybe it was because I was in numb disbelief over what was happening with Olicity.  Then Vigilante went away and Adrian Chase became all the eggs in the bad guy basket. Did the writers already envision Vigilante’s part to play in Season 6?

(Me speaking for the writers--- (“Okay, let’s bring Vigilante back. Wait, even better, let’s make it Dinah’s ex. Yeah; he was killed the first time, but what if he was caught in the same meta wave that turned Dinah into a sonic badass? We can throw him in with Cayden James and Diaz and Anatoly and Black Siren. But we’ll also make him a double agent, with his old feelings for Dinah still intact. Hot damn, it will be some wonderful contrived drama and it will keep the fans guessing.”)

Uh sorry writers, but I could not climb aboard that toxic ship. I think it ruined the potential of Dinah being a good character. That is not set in stone---there are still ten episodes left, so who can tell at this point? And now because Vince was killed the second time by Black Siren, (a conflict of interest if there ever was one) Dinah has gone off the rails, the same kind of train wreck she was when Oliver convinced her to come  make a difference on his team. She wants revenge and is blinded by it. No more Mr. nice guy (uh, I mean girl.) No more self-reflection or trust or belief. Oliver made  all of it happen (through the pain surging through her mind) by calling her on keeping her new, reunited relationship with Vince a secret, an act that could have seriously hurt the team.

Dinah, you’re grounded.

**

So, all the Newbies had a part in screwing the pooch. To them, it was Oliver who instigated their righteousness. Do any of them remember Evelyn? Do they remember being put in Gilligan’s Island style cages, and the island being blown up? Heck, Evelyn even gave them all cute, handmade Christmas stockings. They might as well have been filled with razor blades.

So yeah, Oliver put you all under surveillance. He was not going to be compromised in that way again. Maybe the question he should ask the rookies is---if one of them (say Rene) decided to throw the other two under the bus to save themselves, wouldn’t  you want to know what each was doing.  Wouldn’t you want to see it coming? It’s pretty simple for the kind of lives all of them lead. Oliver made some pretty harsh sacrifices over the years to keep integrity in his crusade. Apparently, the Newbies are not willing to go as far.

Episode 614 looks like all this is going to come full circle. Hopefully it will end this awful storyline and put everybody back on track for a strong finish to the season. If Dinah and Rene and Curtis can realize that they bit off more than they can chew by taking on OTA, maybe taking a bite of that humble pie will fulfill  their hungers of becoming stronger than what might be out there that could destroy them. And it doesn’t include blaming the ones who invited you to the crusade.

One quick note…Lance has completely gone up around the bend. Maybe it’s time for another intervention, before Black Siren (not Laurel) shows him that drinking is safer than listening to her BS.

Lance, you’re grounded.

Everybody is grounded.

@it-was-a-red-heeler  @memcjo @almondblossomme @dmichellewrites @inevermindyou @flowerandsunshine @1106angel @tdgal1 @louiseblue1

[feurouge13]

My Story

I’ve been subscribing to a surface level, superficial story about myself and my identity. I’ve been playing the victim; I’ve been vilifying people in my life because I have been too blind to take accountability for myself. I have been subscribing to this belief that I am not worthy of unconditional love from people who truly want what is best for me; I have been settling for crumbs that emotionally unavailable people have to offer me because if these emotionally aloof can change their tune for me, then I MUST be special. If they can love me than I can finally get over all of the rejection that I’ve felt from my mother and lack of unconditional love that I felt from her my whole entire life. That set the stage for my feelings of inadequacy. That set the stage for me becoming a people pleasing robot that people literally do not know the real version of who I am. Oh saying that I like x, saying that I want to do x is really not true. The only reason that I have said these things is to pacify you and especially myself. I feel like if I can make everyone happy and meet their needs over mine (which I view as so much more important than my own needs/standards) than I can feel complete. Because it terrifies me to go after what I truly want. Like, I want to be vulnerable and literally ride a fucking scooter all over town. I want to be vulnerable and actually become an ATP or go to ATIA and feel inadequate compared to the other attendees. I am so afraid to let people see me fail/be inadequate/unworthy that I project this version of myself who is not the true me at all. I am over it, I am done with it, and I am moving on. I want to be vulnerable, I want to go for what I actually want in life rather than sit by and let Ashley take the reins because it is so much easier to satisfy her rather than myself. I am ready to rule over my life, go to California Family Fitness, cancel my other gym membership, stand up for my treatment recommendations at IEP meetings, go to bat with JD/Kathleen that I actually know what the bleep I am talking about. Get a freaking TV stand, set up Christmas lights, etc. These things that I want are NOT HURTING ANYBODY IN THE SLIGHTEST STRECH OF THE IMAGINATION. IT’S JUST ABOUT ME FOR ONCE AND GOD FORBID IF I FINALLY LET MYSELF LIVE A TRULY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I AM SO AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE. I AM DONE. IT’S TIME TO LITERALLY RIP MYSELF WIDE OPEN AND FINALLY BE ME. MAURA E. G. 

The reason that I wanted to write this post was to actually describe being sexually assaulted. I was so triggered this past Monday that I was actually (seriously) devising ways to kill myself. I was at such a low point that I haven’t really felt. Flash forward to Wednesday with my new PCP and I had told him that I had diagnoses of anxiety/PTSD. Of course, he asked why, and I had to go through the mental health intake questions. So, I actually told him ‘I was sexually assaulted’ even though my heart rate probably reached 150, even though my face was so flushed red, even though I was so ashamed to admit it to someone out loud. He was very nice about it and asked if I was living as a version of myself that I liked? I about cried; I am crying thinking about that question. Because, honestly, no. I am not but it doesn’t have to do with the incident at all. I mean, at times, it can totally take me down and ruin my day but that’s beside the point. I am not living as a version of myself that I like due to aforementioned reasons. That I am a pathological people pleasing robot who is scared to be open, vulnerable with the world and has such a negative, self-sabotaging view of herself. Being sexually assaulted allows me to really feed into these feelings of worthlessness, though. Feeling that I am unloveable because I was tainted by being sexually assaulted by someone else. I am ready to start healing, I am ready to start being me. I am ready to start enjoying my life and believing that life is rigged in my favor. 

I believe it was June, 2015. Don’t remember the exact date because that is something I couldn’t being myself to do. I was going over to the guy I had been datings’ apartment because he had cooked me a meal. I, of course, had to pick up Yuengling as my contributing. And also, I needed to drink a lot in order to dump him because I had decided to actually date the other guy I was being ‘casual with.’ (This is why I don’t believe in casual relationships because they are a total crock of shit and no one’s emotions should be fucked around like that). Anyways, I think I had about five beers (which is a lot for someone who weighs 100 lbs and does not have an alcohol tolerance). I was not doing a good job at dumping him because we eventually started to have sex. I didn’t want to have sex though (I feel so far removed writing this out and am actually starting to convince myself that this is my fault). All I had wanted to do was make out like we had been doing previously, not sex.  Scratch that- I didn’t want anything to do with him physically I was just going along with these actions because they  had become a habit, a routine, a rhythm of what we did together. I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings, instill my boundaries and deal with the consequences of my actions. He genuinely did seem like a nice guy without any complications, genuinely into me, but just casually someone who rapes people, whether he intended to or not. He is happily married now, which I honestly feel removed and numb writing that. Back to us having sex. I was not about it, saying ‘no’ probably around 100 times. He was fucking me from behind, a fan favorite of what guys like to do to me. So, I’m sure it made it easier for him that he didn’t have to see my face, actually could read my lips. I don’t remember the rest. I don’t remember him finishing. I don’t even remember the feeling of him being inside of me. I just know that after that, I drove my drunk self home. I remember how I called him the next day and hold him “I’m too busy with school to date you.” I remember calling Maddie who told me that “I’m sure you weren't raped; everyone has felt like they had a questionable sexual encounter before.” I remember not telling Ashley after that because I was attempting to convince myself that I was crazy, that it was my fault. I remember diving right into a sexual relationship with Fred even though I had told him I was sexually assaulted. I told him one night while I was sleeping over his house; around 4 AM, I felt him trying to stick his dick in me (of course, from behind). I woke up, turned around, gave him a look, and fell back to sleep. I wish that I could have saved that version of myself from the lack of respect, decency and all of the extra BS that started after I began a relationship with him. I wish so badly that I could have rescued myself from that. That I had been strong enough to be alone, to actually focus on my school work and address being raped. I did what I felt like I had to do to get my degree. I went from breaking up with the biggest asshole and finally feeling free, to being raped, to entering an emotionally and at times, physically abusive controlling relationship. This is why I am just re-entering the dating pool after a 3.5 year hiatus. This is why I still have extreme feelings of inadequacy and validation seeking behaviors even though I am a 27 year old woman who has a Masters Degree, has no student debt, is beginning to invest, etc. I am still the version of myself who isn’t strong enough or vulnerable enough to be on my own, to function fully as myself. I am done with people being assholes to me and me just lying down on my back and taking it. I am sick of allowing myself to be fucked around by these clown boy men. I am sick of allowing myself to not go after what I want in life because I am scared of being vulnerable and being rejected. I am done with not meeting my needs because I view myself as not worthy. I am seriously fucking done. I have never been so frustrated and fed up with someone as I am with myself. I have so much power and control over my life, who I let into my life, how I react/act towards them, what I am capable of, etc. It isn’t hurting anyone to actually meet my needs myself. If anything, it is making my relationships stronger with the people who unconditionally love me. I am over it all. I am taking back my life and the power. 

[howellrichard]

Why Receiving Is Powerful Medicine

Hiya Gorgeous!

Can I let you in on a secret? I love this season of giving. It’s smack in the middle of my comfort zone. Giving has always come easy to me. But receiving? Well, that’s a different story…

I’m getting better at it, but asking for what I want or need—then actually making the space to receive it—has always made me feel really vulnerable. Sound familiar?

Here’s why this is important (especially this time of year): Those of us who are more comfortable giving than receiving often go further into that tendency over the holiday season. We give, give, give and never allow that energy to flow back in our direction.

This creates an imbalance in our brains and our bodies. It robs others of the chance to feel valuable and included. And it’s one of the major reasons we often come back from the holidays feeling depleted. I don’t know about you, but I have big dreams for the year (ahem, decade!) ahead, so something’s gotta give.

Ready to break the pattern?

Today we’re talking about the healing power of receiving. This was the theme of the month for my Inner Circle Wellness membership and it resonated deeply with the community, so I’m excited to share a taste of it with you!

First we’ll unpack some of the limiting beliefs that tend to hold us back from receiving. Then we’ll talk about three joyful ways to open yourself up to receiving: By getting clear on what you need, allowing the little things into your life and making gratitude part of the practice.

Why do we resist receiving?

Many of us subconsciously block ourselves from receiving the abundance the universe and others have to offer. We might do so because…

We believe we’re not worthy

We’re self-conscious about being too demanding

We’re scared to give up control

We think we can do it better ourselves

We’re worried that asking for help makes us weak

We’re afraid we’ll be rejected if we ask for what we need

…And so on

I bet you’ve had some of these thoughts (I sure have!). But how would you feel if someone you cherish told you they had these thoughts about themself? I suspect you’d lovingly tell them it’s total BS! And you, my smart friend, would be right.

Opening ourselves up to receiving starts with debunking those limiting beliefs. And while that doesn’t happen overnight, it’s not as hard as you might think. The key is replacing the lies we tell ourselves with the truth.

You ARE worthy.

Right here, right now, just as you are. You deserve support, attention, advice, empathy—all of it. There are no exceptions to this rule! Being your incredible self is all you have to do. Please let this in. If you don’t believe it right now, then I’m asking you to be open to believing it in the near future—while also making it your mission to mindfully and actively reclaim your worth. Impossible? Only if you believe it to be!

Allowing yourself to receive is not the same thing as being demanding.

You know the warm fuzzies you get from giving? Receiving is the other side of the same coin—you’re giving someone else the experience of giving. Telling yourself you’re too demanding just blocks you both from that joy.

I’ll share an example from my own life. My mother often wants to gift me things or experiences that she knows will make my life easier or be meaningful in some way. But for the longest time my answer was “I love you, no thank you.” Why? Because I didn’t want to put her out or seem incapable. Plus, I worried about unwanted (and made up!) expectations that could come from accepting her offer. Basically, I built a laundry list of reasons to block her love. And you know who felt bad? Both of us! Now I say YES with love and not only do we both feel good, we also feel more connected.

You don’t always have to be in control.

For many of us, the feeling of being in control is a safety net. We might think: Sure, I’m juggling way too much, but at least I’m doing the juggling. If I let someone else help, I can’t ensure the outcome. But that mindset can bury us.

I know how hard it can be, but please remember that you can’t do everything yourself. There are capable folks who love the crap out of you and want to help. And if things don’t turn out as planned or you’re disappointed, that’s ok. Don’t let those experiences convince you that you always need to be in the driver’s seat. Trust that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to.

Asking for help takes courage.

We get a lot of messages that we should be able to handle everything life throws at us without missing a beat—that admitting we need help is a sign of weakness. But it takes courage to trust someone else, to say what’s really on our minds and be honest about what we need. That’s why it’s strength, not weakness, that inspires us to ask for help.

“No” really is the worst that can happen.

Let’s talk worst case scenario: You muster up the courage to ask for what you need and you’re met with a big, fat no.

Take a deep breath and look that no straight in the eye. It’s not so scary now, is it? When you acknowledge that possibility—and remind yourself that you can survive it—the fear of no loses some of its power.

Then what do you do? Just because you got a no this time doesn’t mean you should add that responsibility back to your already towering pile. Instead, think about ways to get what you need without throwing yourself under the bus. Can you simplify the plan or negotiate a new agreement?

Bottom line: Don’t use every no as an excuse to block other channels of receiving. Get creative and look for solutions that work for you and the other parties involved!

3 Ways to Practice Receiving

So we can agree that receiving is good for us and we should make space for it in our lives. Right? Good! But… how? You might already have some ideas brewing based on what we covered above, and here are three additional pointers to get you started:

Get clear on what you need.

Allowing yourself to receive opens up a world of possibilities. When you’re ready, start thinking about what you need. What could you ask for help with? What kind of support would lift you up? Brainstorm some ideas, then get more specific about exactly what you’re looking for. Is there a timeline? Who will you ask and how can you best communicate with them? How will you make space to appreciate the receiving when it happens? The clearer you are on what you want to receive, the more likely it is to happen.

Focus on the small stuff.

Receiving isn’t always about help or grand gestures. In fact, often the practice of receiving is opening yourself up to the little, everyday things. Let your partner make you coffee in the morning. Receive each inhale and exhale you take…

Sometimes, receiving is as simple as allowing a compliment. What do I mean by that? Well, think about the last time someone gave you a compliment. Maybe your friend told you she likes your shirt. “Please, this old thing?! I look like a mess!” Or perhaps a coworker noticed your great work on a project. “Well I had a lot of help.” We’re programmed to dismiss compliments and we often don’t even realize we’re doing it!

So next time someone compliments you, avoid the knee-jerk reaction to disagree. Because guess what? You DO look gorgeous and you are a totally smart badass. You might be surprised how good it feels to stop resisting the little stuff and instead, let it in.

Practice gratitude.

Gratitude is an important part of receiving. Of course, we want to show our appreciation for the help offered. But what I’m really talking about is reflecting on and appreciating everything you’ve already received. Taking time to think about what’s currently abundant in your life shifts your perspective to a more positive place, which is crucial when you find yourself in a deficit mentality. I do this by keeping a gratitude journal. In fact, writing about what I’m grateful for on a daily basis is essential to my Success Mindset Practice, which is a key element of my Results Journal system.

You can start your own practice simply by asking yourself what you’re grateful for today. If you want to learn more about the gratitude practice I use and try it out for yourself, go here to get the journal. We still have some classic editions, but the limited edition is nearly sold out!

Make every season the season of receiving.

I hope you can make some room in your life to receive, dear one. You don’t have to do anything special to be worthy. And remember: The more we receive, the more energy we have to give. The more we appreciate what’s good in our lives, the more gifts we receive. It’s a magical cycle that has the power to replenish, inspire and heal. Allow it!

Your turn: What will you allow yourself to receive today? Please share one thing in the comments below!

Peace & room to receive,

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