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by interiormerete

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sound on

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11/19/2020

It finally happened. I have been wanting this day for such a long time. I finally moved out and ended my friendship with Ashley. To say that this was an easy decision would be false; however, I was pushed to such a limit within our “friendship” that I couldn’t go back. Over the years, despite my ill feelings towards her, I couldn’t use my faith or “just love her more, just accept her more” to justify the covertly abuse (emotional, mental) that she inflicted on me constantly. From judgmental comments, criticisms, gaslighting, manipulating, controlling behaviors and being such an extreme narcissist that I was left confused about my thoughts, unable to have an authentic feeling or do whatever I wanted. Whenever I made a choice for myself, such as many others do as 28 year old, single, adults, I would be made to suffer the consequences. The only way that our relationship was tolerable was if I obeyed her every request, demand and stayed within her confines. If I didn’t, I showed her I was choosing myself over her, choosing someone else over her, and I was forced (well not totally, but berated into it), into explaining myself where she force fed me reasoning and my “feelings” and forced me to repent like I was at Catholic confession. I tried to stay around and force myself to see things differently and with a more open heart. I stayed around because I felt bad for her and that she wouldn’t be able to function without me. I stayed around because I felt like I would be such a disappointment to her and a lot of people relied on me to sustain her life. I stayed around because I didn’t want to say goodbye to the dogs and it breaks my heart that she is not letting me take care of them. I enabled her to no end to be the kind of human who couldn’t take care of herself. 

I was always walking around on egg shells, dreaded to see her, didn’t want to disclose anything about my life because she would use it against me in some form of leverage, didn’t want to introduce her to other aspects of my life because I knew she would somehow push anyone else that was close with me away that she met (Maddie, Kate, Sue, Tim, Fred, Cyrus, etc). 

How do I feel? Sad and heart broken about the dogs and not having them in my life. I feel sad that I am not able to have them eat my pizza crusts, hear them snore in bed, have Louie curl under the blanket next to me, have Lily hold me while I sleep or all of the hard work I have put into them the last four years. I love them so much and I know that in my heart they are mine. They have served such a purpose in my life and I miss them so much. 

I had a moment today where I felt like I didn’t do enough to sustain the friendship, didn’t set enough boundaries, etc. When the truth is, I was dealing with someone who was abusive towards me. Nothing I said would have stuck because she didn’t respect me or see me as an equal person who could also have a life. My freedom was a threat to her life and happiness. I was what she used to survive. Now we need to learn to survive on our own. 

The silence here is deafening. I am always used to some kind of noise. I am not used to it being silent and alone with my thoughts. I am finally off of the drama triangle and it’s like I am resetting from this. I no longer am on the roller coaster. It is time for me to live out a healthy existence, which is what I want, deserve and will be successful at. 

I am still feeling triggered and in fight/flight from the events of the last week. I am just waiting around nervously for the other proverbial shoe to drop. I am waiting for the next big dramatic event to happen to sustain the dynamic. But with that being over, I can focus on myself fully. Love myself fully. It’s just going to be an adjustment period getting used to life without the drama. Life without the codependent dynamic. 

Now I have shifted from waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop from Ashley to Charles. I am now waiting around for him to flake, not show up tonight, for him to cancel our trip because he will somehow know I am a “bad person” for not sticking around for Ashley’s sake. Or that he won’t like me now that I am kinda down and out and sad and not see me for who I really am. But I am human and a human who went through something traumatic. The whole friendship was traumatic to say the least. 

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Keep loving the way the sun shines, not caring upon who or what that love falls. Love is its own reward, its own joy.

Do not wait for something or someone worthy of love to come along before allowing yourself to connect with the sweetness of life.

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Attachment is fixation; like appreciating the bird singing in the tree outside your window and deciding to nail it to a branch. The bird dies and you’re likely to become a serial killer. We have romanticized attachment in an unhealthy manner to make it synonymous with love, devotion, and importance. In truth, attachment serves no useful purpose and deceived us into taking things for granted and living in fear of change. To be non-attached is not the same thing as being cold, distant, or numb. It merely means not resisting the reality of impermanence and yet not allowing that to stop you from being intimately engaged with life itself. #spirituality #yoga #buddhism #zen #attachment #love #fear #mindfulness https://www.instagram.com/p/B_dSAV7n-MV/?igshid=87xh0q1abu6m

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Japan

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_U-8P1nBwf/?igshid=xmo34h90i23i

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“Sheep discovers how to use a trampoline”

(via)

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There is no remedy for love, but to love more.

Henry David Thoreau (via lazyyogi)

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In order to find truth, you must want it more than you want to be right.

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Garden vibes

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