#also this is about the american elections but tbh it goes for pretty much any shock and trauma

[mangled-by-disuse]

re: suicidality

So I have now had... a couple of people come to me personally in crisis today, and seen a lot of others speak about it publicly. And I just want to say to all of you what I've been trying to say to the people who've spoken to me directly:

You are in shock. You are grieving. You are in a heightened emotional state, and there is nothing wrong with that, but now is not the time to make decisions you can't take back.

My mother was telling me on Sunday, when I was having a much more banal crisis about regretting my move, that when she moved to the North she gave herself six months, and she wasn't allowed to give up on it until then. Not because it would definitely be okay, but because until you've got your footing, until you're no longer reeling from the immediate change, you don't know. You can't see the challenge clearly.

So, please. Give yourself six months. Decide if this is really a world you can't live in.

You haven't closed the door if it turns out that you really, truly can't live like this. You don't have to close the door. Just don't go barrelling through it yet.

[enderspawn]

dream smp asagao au, aka the very specific high school au

also aka the post thats very self indulgent for me and maybe 3 other people.

in short: its a dsmp high school au based on the game asagao academy, where everyone is part of a gaming club and compete against one another in tournaments. more in depth info about the AU/Asagao itself, as well as more info about the plot and roles of the AU itself.

Asagao Academy Basics

So to start, let’s cover the basics: what is Asagao Academy. ….well, an old Youtuber dating sim game (which, despite unfortunately including some fairly questionable CCs, IS still really good and well written and I recommend it) But what is it for AU purposes?

Asagao Academy is a highly elite world-wide boarding school set in Japan for those who are either rich enough to afford it, or those skilled enough to get scholarships. Within the game, there are two main clubs: Normal Boots and Hidden Block. They’re both gaming clubs, and joining is seen as super exclusive since they’re ALSO the most popular people in the school.

The two clubs compete with each other in various tournament events with specific categories. For example: Satch (from NB) and Jimmy (from HB) both compete in the “Tech and Invention” category, where they have to create/invent something related to gaming and have it judged at the event like a science fair. Meanwhile, Jared (from NB) and Wallid (from HB) both compete in “Dance” aka DDR and the person with the highest score wins.

The other categories featured in game include: Puzzle games (like Bejeweled or Tetris), Video Game Trivia, Pinball, Retro Platformers, a three-person fighting game, and 100% completion speedruns. So tldr; the categories can be kind of fiddled with and be whatever you want them to be, because even the original ones are pretty wack.

Also, there’s no rules against competing in multiple categories— in fact, most of the HB members in game do! It’s more about balancing time and practicing for them alongside school and other activities.

The winner of the competition is the team/competitor(s) with the most total wins.

Another thing to note: despite competing as clubs, they’re all actually pretty good friends. It’s all lighthearted and fun in the end, hell the leader of the opposing club even helps the main character join the main club just because he wants a decent challenge.

Speaking of… the main character! Hana Mizuno! I don’t have any current plans to include her in this AU (a la new dating routes), but I wanted to mention her for a few reasons.

For the main reason: her hair. Even as soon as she shows up, Mai (her best friend and roommate, who can break the 4th wall) immediately calls her out for her hair for looking like a main character which as we learn… isn’t an exaggeration. She’s literally a born protagonist, thus being born with naturally pink hair and a tragic backstory. Not only that, but other people are also born protagonists with pink hair as well— she isn’t an exception.

About the AU -- Revolution Era

A few things to note: in this au, when I first drafted it I… wasn’t looking to include 20+ people. I cut a lot of characters, but instead working with the idea that they’re still THERE, they just… don’t compete? Either they aren’t in the club and are just friends with the members, or they’re members who just don’t compete professionally. It’s nothing personal against those CCs and tbh as times goes they may get added more, but for now they’re just in the BG vibin.

It covers a really basic retelling of s1 for most of the planned au. It starts with One Club: the Dream Team. Members include: Dream (sophomore), Sapnap (sophomore), George (junior), Wilbur (junior), Eret (junior), and Fundy (freshman).

For reasons, possibly just as a goof or spite towards their American counterparts, Wilbur declares independence from the Dream Team and makes his OWN gaming club: L’Manberg. He takes Eret (a close friend from his grade) and Fundy (the freshman he immediately adopted) with him, causing the two teams to be 3v3.

But Wilbur’s got a dastardly surprise up his sleeve: TOMMY, HIS YOUNGER BROTHER (bc I am nothing if not a dedicated crimebros stan), AND TUBBO. They’re both too young to actually attend Asagao yet, but theres no age rules in the actual competitions so its fair play. They’re Wilbur’s secret weapon. After all, a 5v3 where the team with the most wins wins the competition? That’s a massive advantage.

… we all know how this goes though don’t we. Wilbur’s day be so fine, then BOOM, Eret betrayal 😔

In this case Eret feels it’s a LITTLE unfair to blindside them like that, plus Dream promised to make him the Leader of the Dream Team and, yknow, that kind of stuff DOES look good on resumes, so…

TLDR; Eret rejoins the Dream Team crew, as well as informing them of Wilbur’s plan with including Tommy and Tubbo and becomes leader. They’re still letting Dream and Co. basically actually do the leading, they don’t care that much, the title is just nice. L’Manberg cusses her out and promises to hold a grudge, but it’s all in good fun. After all, they’re just teens goofing around and playing. The clubs are again 4v4.

Dream tells the L’Manberg club that they can separate, sure… under one condition. They have to win the competition. If they lose, they have to rejoin the Dream Team club.

L’Manberg accepts, but come competition day… they lose. Tommy outright challenges Dream post awards to a speedrun competition for L’Manberg instead. …which Dream professionally competes in, and Tommy DOESN’T.

He loses, but he puts up a good fight despite having little to no actual practice put in, so Dream “grants” L’Manberg their “Independence”. (In this au, instead of being like… weirdly obsessive over Tommy, it’s a lot more “he sees himself in Tommy and wants to support/mentor him” and a “friendly rivalry” kind of deal bc its a damn HIGH SCHOOL AU)

So L’Manberg can be it’s own club! …Next year, when Tommy and Tubbo actually attend, since Wilbur and Fundy aren’t allowed a two person club.

About the AU -- Election Era

SO time skip! Congrats, everything up to now has been BACKSTORY. It’s now the next school year, with two main clubs (I’ve tried to keep them fairly balanced, which is why not all CCs are featured, sorry!)

Dream Team club:

Dream - junior

George - senior

Sapnap - junior

Eret - senior

Punz - junior

BBH - senior

Awesamdude - junior

Ponk - junior

L’Manberg club:

Wilbur - senior

Tommy - freshman

Tubbo - freshman

Fundy - sophomore

Schlatt - senior

Quackity - junior

Niki - sophomore

Jack - sophomore

(Also fun fact! Their grades are loosely based on the CCs actual ages! …Except Fundy, who got Baby-fied to fit the “Wilbur’s Kid” joke, and Eret bc it fit better to be the same age as Wilbur I thought. Oops HEKANDNSN)

So, for whatever Reason (listen this was an au I made in like one night when plagued with brainrot, it’s not all figured out), L’Manberg holds an election. Maybe it’s related to Wilbur wanting L’Manberg to be meaningfully different from Dream Team, maybe it’s a joke, idk!

…. SOMEHOW, Schlatt wins. Which ticks off Wilbur a lot. It’s his damn club, and the whole point was to avoid Americans, tf?? The two start to feud a lot and it threatens to split the club entirely via ppl taking sides. Worse, it means people aren’t practicing for the competition.

All while this is happening, there’s a new intrigue building. Dream catches word of an infamous player in the area, someone known to win entire competitions against teams of people all by HIMSELF. A man with bright bubblegum pink hair called Technoblade. That’s right, literal universe-assigned protagonist Techno. If Dream could enlist him, there’s no doubt in hell they’d be able to beat L’Manberg.

L’Manberg hears of him too and works to try and enlist him as well, so he basically gets courted by both clubs trying to get him to play for them to mixed results. He’s pretty chill vibin by himself, so what’s in it for him? (….I don’t know, remember how this is a WIP au I worked on once?)

Eventually, a teacher named Phil (who’s been the honorary sponsor of the L’Manberg club) gets pissed at Schlatt and Wilbur’s fighting and bans both from competing (aka this AUs version of them dying). Which fucking SUCKS for L’Manberg. They’re now going 6v8 with a wildcard player who’s undeclared on which side he’ll join, if at all.

… honestly, that’s as far as I got. Theoretically, Techno joins L’Manberg to reflect Pogtopia and they win. I never had plans to go into s2 due to its darker theme, but there are definitely changes that could (and might?) be made for the s1 plot just so it flows better.

I already had to shift Wil and Schkatt’s “deaths” to fit, unless I were to have them LITERALLY make a new club. Maybe Schlatt uses his power as Club President to make them work with Dream Team (to the point it basically merges the clubs). Sure, they might be guaranteed to win now but it removes the competition and fun as well as the spirit of OG L’Manberg. So then Wilbur rebels and makes his own club AGAIN, calling it Pogtopia with the intent to get L’Manberg back. Then Techno, intrigued with this group of like 2-3 ppl going against a team of like 13ish people, decides to join them. Idk! Alternative possible plot based more closely on s1 I guess!

I’m gonna add a list of characters in full with their age, their club, and what they compete in (if it’s already brainstormed, most ppl are unknown) below

Character List

dream (DT) - junior - speedrunning

george (DT) - senior - coding/tech and invention

sapnap (DT)- junior -

eret (DT) - senior -

wilbur (LM) - senior - rhythm game/guitar hero-esque

tommy (LM) - freshman - (possibly pick up speed running during election arc?)

tubbo (LM) - freshman - chess

fundy (LM) - sophomore - coding/tech and invention

schlatt (LM) - senior - he never actually declares what he plans to play and then gets banned anyway, aka no game kekw

quackity (LM)- junior - dance

niki (LM) - sophomore -

jack (LM) - sophomore-

punz (DT) - junior -

bbh (DT) - senior -

awesamdude (DT) - junior -

ponk (DT) - junior

technoblade (SOLO) - junior - multiple categories

FINAL BIT

here’s some scraps for ppl who know Asagao already as well as small bits I didn’t bother to write up any further

- Karl, much like Mai, is ALSO aware of the 4th wall and has time travel powers because of it.

- Purpled (undecided if he’s a solo player like Techno or has his own team he competes with that’s not a formal club) plays Literally Bedwars in competitions

- Callahan is the Dream Team club sponsor, Phil is L’Manberg’s club sponsor

- Karlnapity is real and canon bc I say so

- both for balance/laziness, every person only competes in one category. also bc it makes Techno that much more Protagonist-y that he does

- I made this AU in like February man idk I’m just vibin

- Fuck I never even included Ranboo huh

[natsships]

Okay, because I'm curious... what's your favorite song from The Book of Mormon? How did you and Elder Price get together? Does his religion have any impact on your relationship? Where do you two like to go on dates?

OHHH these are good omg ok so,,

1) Favorite song?? Man I could NOT pick tbh, I think the best I could do is a top 5 (in no particular order):

-All-American Prophet: My favorite to just vibe (dance badly) to because it goes so hard, also I LOVE the staging of this scene with Joseph Smith acting out the story in the background as Kevin tells it,, it’s really simple but fun!!

-I Believe: MY BOY’S BIG SOLO NUMBER 🥺 I know like most of the show it’s pokin fun at religion but hearing him so confident and full of purpose again after he was previously doubting himself and falling away from faith always brings a smile to my face

-Hello!: The perfect opening number. Literally starts the show with missionaries opening the door n singing at you as a big chorus. Conceptually just amazing, and just as good in execution 20/10

-Man Up: Doesn’t really involve Elder Price but this is Elder Cunningham’s time to shine!! This is the perfect energy filled but still hilarious act 1 closer and every actor ive seen do it has absolutely killed it!! I cannot tell u how much adrenaline I had when the curtain went down after act 1 when I saw it live

-Tommorrow is a Latter-Day: Probably the most sincere song from the soundtrack outside of Salt Lake City (Sal Tlay Ka Sity) but god this one always makes me emotional,, Maybe it’s a little silly because it is a comedy but I’ve always found the messaging of this show (“Believe whatever you want, as long as it makes you a better person to others!”) is something special and this finishing number really ties everything together!! The lines about living in the moment and not always thinking about whats going to happen when you die always get to me in particular,,

2)!! OK THAT WAS LONG WINDED BUT-

How did we get together? My close friends know this story well but I have yet to tell it on my blog so here goes- It was about 5 years ago now (wow!!!) when I was staying with my cousins in a different state without my parents for the first time. On the first night there I started to really panic, so I did what any teenager does- err..got on my phone to distract myself. I had a vague interest in musicals at the time, I had seen a few but wasnt super into it. However, I’d heard of this musical called The Book of Mormon and heard it was hilarious, and of course, extremely inappropriate. Being the edgy teenager I was at the time I looked it up and stumbled across and original broadway cast bootleg (I didn’t even know what this was at the time- luckily BoM was and still is a very popular show that is not hard to find in the least)

I remember that night really fondly, it was scary but this horribly inappropriate, raunchy show took my mind off of it and made me laugh at a time when I legitimately thought I was gonna be sick. Looking back now as someone whos been officially diagnosed and stuff, it had been a full blown anxiety attack that I didn’t realize at the time. Anyway, I always loved Kevin Price. Yes, he’s got a bit of an ego problem, but I always found his growth at the end of the show to be..quite inspiring. He could have easily been painted as the bad guy and been written out of the show after act 1 (I have heard rumors that he was supposed to actually die and go to Hell, instead of simply having a dream about it, but haven’t been able to find a concrete source for this), but the fact that he stood up and said what he did was wrong and that he wants to stay and help the people who need it made me instantly love him.

He started out mostly platonic, almost like a sort of guardian angel type figure to me- fitting due to his low-key savior complex, and stayed that way for a couple years. However, over time I began to feel more and more feelings for him, and after so long I’ve officially embraced it (hence why I made this blog hehe).

3) Does his religion affect our relationship? This is a good question, and a pretty interesting one actually. By the end of the show it’s pretty clear that Kevin and the other missionaries have sort of created their own brand of beliefs- ones that stay with their traditional teachings but aren’t so...oppressive? Elder McKinley embraces his sexuality, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham elect to teach through what makes them happy and brings joy to others, rather than what is forced on them by their families; etc.

So for this I’d have to say that no, it doesn’t really affect us. I’ve no intention of converting, but he’s already quite the rebel so really, we’re just doing what makes us happy, which is exactly what he wants for everyone!! (He does like to teach me things about the church though and purely from an outsider looking in and learning because of genuine curiousity I enjoy it!!)

4) DATES!! Oh boy this one is fun because fun fact! I live in Florida! If you haven’t seen the show, Elder Price’s biggest ambition- and where he wanted to go on his mission, was Orlando! Now, I don’t live super close to Orlando and...due to....all of last year, I haven’t been in forever. But! The perfect getaway weekend for the two of us would be to book a hotel there and go around allllll the theme parks and stuff 24/7! I don’t quite get the appeal but the smile on his face would be worth it for me 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Thank you SO much for these it was SUPER SUPER fun to write about and now im all like flustered dhkddhlsjs

[maribelsawyer]

- ̗̀ * ( ella purnell + cisfemale + she/her ) have you seen ( maribel sawyer ) walking around campus ? they are a ( nineteen ) year old, studying ( journalism ). we hear they are in ( delta gamma chi ), and can be ( benevolent & impressionable ), maybe it’s because they are a ( gemini ). they sort of remind us of ( scraped knees , magnifying glasses , vintage oxfords ), maybe we can find out more ! *  ̖́-  + newspaper writer

god okay looks like i’ve fallen in love w ella purnell and i want to b her. anyways maribel is my newest baby n im sorta making her up as i go so pls bare w me lmao

TW: eating disorder mentions, subtle abuse?

{she is not currently in that mindset ^}

gen. info

full name: maribel ottoline sawyer

nickname(s): mari, bell, lottie b/c middle name, etc. etc. just sawyer sometimes idk

b.o.d. - june 1st, 19 yrs old

label(s): the marionette, the demure, the prevaricator, etc. etc.

height: like 5′3″ prolly tbh

hometown: duluth, minnesota

sexuality: shit she don’t know

bio. info

her dad’s in the air force, her mom’s published three diet cookbooks and two different DVDs--maribel is the only middle child

one of those conservative, all american families, they were strict and definitely made it known that they were parents and not friends by any means

9pm curfew, not leaving the dining room until all ur food is gone, grounded if ur grades were below their expectations, etc. etc. 

her older sister can evoke emotions in others thru her acting like no other. has taken the hearts (and leads) of all her acting directors since childhood. her voice is broadway material.

and her older brother? has been the best linebacker on any high school team he’s joined; hopes to make it to the big leagues. but if he doesn’t? he’s been taking college-level classes since he was a sophomore.

and...maribel?

maribel is...just, maribel.

for the longest time, there was nothing special about maribel

she couldn’t sing, or dance, or compose words in pretty prose

her grades were only satisfactory after hrs n hrs of studying everyday

homegirl can’t even cook w/o smth exploding

in short, maribel has never been good at anything. can’t draw within the lines, can’t follow the line, opens her mouth at the wrong time. etc. etc. shit? rough.

ANYWAYS

her family moves around a lot b/c of her dad, so she’s never really been in one place long enough to really prove herself? always been the quiet girl in class while her siblings brought home gold stars everyday

the kinda girl others would sorta push around n bully a lil bit bc she would never know what to say; prolly just cried a lot tbh

grew up w a lot of insecurities b/c of this

definitely doesnt help that her mother is obsessed w beauty n fitness n like

their mother p much forced her lifestyle onto her children, mari has a rough relationship w food b/c of it

ANYWAYS part 2

grew up always in the shadows of her siblings and their accomplishments, and spent a lot of her time tryn find something to be good at just so somebody could give her a stamp of approval

was always the ~wannabe~, the girl who would just endlessly suck up to the most popular girl she could find and try to mimic her to the best of mari’s abilities, just so she could survive her school experience

by the time mari was a freshmen in high school, her parents had divorced and she finally thought she could have a normal school experience and make something for herself

obv not. her mother shipped her off to a boarding school in nevada and that was it; her sister had already graduated and her brother was still in middle school.

it was finally just mari.

of course like she tried to suck up to others but it wasn’t really helpful, everybody was a lil too boujie for her and she always froze up when she tried to speak to the ~popular kids~

they only rly spoke to her b/c she’s got this knack for forging shit, like i dont think she even has her own handwriting; she always copies other people’S b/c she’s just. so used to tryn to mimic others n be them as much as possible

around this time she found herself fucking around in her computer class more often than not; it’d been the only elective left b/c she arrived in the middle of the year

but she surprisingly enjoyed it, like, a lot

her parents never really allowed much computer use b/c like. rots ur brain or whatever.

got into programming, but when she found out that u could ? hack shit ? kinda peaked her interest.

her shift into programming to hacking was subtle but before she knew it, she was fucking around on websites for the fun of it. never anything severe

computers became her friends, y’know

that was until her sophomore year and there was another loser fucking around on the computers during lunchtime

and like...they just started kinda talking, y’know? became friends, prolly mari’s first legitimate friend in...forever, really

the kid was kinda weird but she didn’t mind b/c fuck, mari couldn’t be picky n she didn’t mind weird

like...they were obsessed w conspiracies n mysteries n shit

it started to rub off on mari too, b/c homegirl is an idiot but. an observant idiot.

so she started getting reeeally into mysteries and shit. started acting like a mini investigator w/ her pal; solving stupid things like ‘who wrote ‘mindy is a whore’ in the bathroom stall’ and ‘does mr. roberts have a secret obsession w kpop’

no mindy is not a whore it was slander

yes mr. roberts is into kpop

ANYWAYS part 3

so they were these nancy drew, scooby doo, veronica mars knock off duo

by junior yr her partner started getting into like. drinking and minor drugs and other things that the other boarding school kids were smuggling in, y’know. 

this meant that mari was getting into that shit too, y’know. cant stay innocent forever.

became a lil bit of a pothead lmao

so like now theyre just stoners who go around solving shit and prolly also stirring shit up for the hell of it

so like . . . . . one night they were doin’ their thing, right? and her partner brings up this...completely wild idea

they live in nevada. y’kno what else is in nevada?

area 51

these fucking idiots want to go break into this fucking. air force base. to find area 51.

guess what they did?

they attempted to break into the air force base. like. of course they tried.

they failed like, super miserably, got arrested for trespassing and had to be bailed out of the county jail by their parents

her dad almost lost his job so he was mcfuckin PISSED esp once they figured out she was high as shit

her partner? disappeared. nobody knows where they went.

mari was moved from the boarding school to a public school closer to where her mother could, begrudgingly, keep an eye on her

kinda spent the rest of her high school career p miserable, she gave up on her whole ~detective~ thing and resorted to making fake IDs for her fellow high schoolers

was drug-tested like every week or so, too

around this time her mental health and relationship w food got worse, she barely made it to graduation. took a gap year to recover, worked a buncha jobs but usually gets fired from them b/c she’s really fucking bad like most things besides her two (2) unconventional talents that are decidedly useless

came to ucla b/c her mother p much made her, her mother’s a legacy and that’s about the only reason why she got into delta gamma chi

doesn’t want ppl to know she was a loser and also like . fucked up her dad’s life a lil, b/c it was def a thing that made the news and the only reason why her name wasn’t in the articles was b/c she was a minor at the time

so she like...lies abt her childhood a lot

tells a lotta lil white lies b/c she just. doesn’t wanna b her

uuuhh wanted to do computer science bc she loves it but her parents were both like ‘lmao we’re not paying for shit if u do that’ bc they don’t think it’s very ~ladylike~ n they still want her to like. just be submissive and obedient n shit.

so she took up journalism b/c neither her parents think it’s like a real career and they just want her to find a husband n get married n settle down n stop being troublesome

fun fact: she has a scholarship for being lefthanded so that pays for Some of it esp b/c she’s an out of state student

still struggles a lil bit w food but she’s like. doing a lot better. goes to group therapy, probably

uuuh that’s it for now i think ??

OH SIKE !! she’s a writer for the newspaper and writes ADVICE columns on various topics b/c she’s good at offering advice but only when she can sit down n think abt it lmao

^^she goes by an alias b/c she just. doesnt want ppl to know its her idk she thinks its embarrassing

other than that she’s probably like ... doing campus tech support b/c that’s her current job but who knows how long that’ll last lmao

knowing her she’s going to accidentally switch into her phone sex voice (another, old job she doesn’t do anymore) n get fired for tryn seduce a man with ‘did u try turning it on and off again?’

OKAY i think that’s all lmao

personality

mari is just. awkward, man

i mean like...she’s sorta bad at talking to others a lot of the time??

like ppl r kinda like ‘how tf r u a delta gamma chi girl’ n she’s just like i mean u  h h h h 

prolly stutters a lil bit b/c she’s usually rly anxious

but she’s v v nice, like, she tries her hardest to be a good friend n everything

but she also kinda switches her personality to appeal to whoever she’s talking too ?? like she wants to be. likable. she’s not real w/ others v v often

if ur boujie yeah she’ll pretend to be boujie too

she prolly still sells fake IDs to high schoolers n some of her college peers, she has one herself n hasn’t gotten caught yet sooo

always fidgets like she can’t rly sit still often b/c she’s so nervous

is a lil bit of a stoner but i feel like u can’t ever tell tbh

a lil shy n hesitant at first i’d imagine, or maybe just always lmao

has a bit more of a personality once she sucks it up n gets closer to u but she’s always v v cautious abt befriending ppl just b/c she’s had a bad time w bullies n her one friend in life disappeared so like...bummer, y’kno?

can never say no. like, i dont think it’s in her vocabulary. she’s a yes gal.

will p much do anything u ask of her b/c she’s constantly seeking approval

can ramble a bit when she’s nervous which is always but she also apologizes like a lot.

squeaks like a mouse

present at parties but it’s always kinda like. who r u. n she has to remind everybody that she’s a sorority gal too

considers herself v v forgettable, like, just v unimportant

like she’s just rly insecure

still does computer shit n is still rly good at it but she hasn’t done anything srs w/ it so it’s just wasted potential

going to use her journalism degree to do investigative journalism and maybe escape her parents, eventually

she just. bends easily to other’s wills, y’know? she’s hashtag soft

even tho she’s like. shy n awkward n shit it doesn’t take a lot for her to like, laugh, or smile

like she tries rly hard to appear happy n an optimist n just like. unfettered

a lil plain jane we stan

i cant think of anything else but she’s. she’s a good kid

OH she’s rly good w numbers n math but like that’s abt it. she’s a whole dumbass on everything else sometimes

is bad w talking n giving advice like in person but like ?? in her column or ovr text or smth ? she’s good. she’s concise.

is a good team player/good w/ projects/etc. etc.

OH OKAY YEAH

she’s rly observant n b/c she’s a lil bit of a compulsive liar she can usually tell when ppl arent honest

depending on how close y’all r she’ll prolly crack down on ur bullshit

but she’s also timid so like who knows tbh

this isn’t a personality trait but she wears like medium hoop earrings all the time n it’s cute ok bye

OK OK LAST THING

she’s so. fucking. clumsy. she will bump into everything. she’ll bump into the air. fuck, she prolly falls over just standing straight. usually has bruises n scratches from just being a clumsy idiot

like she can b a lil ditzy y’know ?? doesn’t have much common sense, sometimes, n can b naive but idk it’s all rly dependent on her n who she’s w n just. how i end up playing her lmao

lovs vintage. is cute.

wanted connections

her roommate uwu

ppl she’s interacted w/ during her childhood !! she’s moved around a lot so like . . . . they could kno each other

mmm sorority sisters

um gimme a ride or die or like a best friend or smth PLS she needs more friends

just more friends in general. she’s awkward but she needs ‘em

?? a one night stand ?? she’s not really . . . known for hooking up w/ ppl but i think an accidental occurrence would b fun!

idk somebody for her to just. crush on from afar. prolly stutters whenever they come near or talk to her or smth

^^i mean like an unrequited crush

SOMEBODY USE HER ! RUIN HER !

FRIENDS OR FUCKING OR WHATEVER

fake friends too! use her for her ~kewl skillz~

bad influence

let her b a good influence

some kinda...skinny love idk what that means. a will they wont they. smth cute. smth pure

it’d be wild if her partner just popped up outta the blue like that b/c mari 100% thinks they were like killed by the government

ppl she gets high w n talk abt conspiracies w/ tbh

ppl she gives or has given advice to w her column pieces ! love it

idk partners in a class

enemies or smth. i want conflict.

a tutor for her dumbass

but also anybody who needs help in math? she can tutor u

idk like this we can work a lil smth smth out

i give u one penny, if u plot w me. pls. i am poor.

[bmichael]

January stuff: activities, books, and such

I’ve never been, and never will be, a diarist. I realized today was Feb 1 and that I’d closed a few threads (or semi-closed) that I wanted to think about and process.

I attempted one of those “Dry January” things people do. On paper it actually seems to be quite good. I once had a roommate that fasted once a week. It wasn’t a big impact on his life, really, and it meant his body ended up processing 1/7 the food he’d ‘normally’ eat. Which, actually, is quite healthy. I have no idea if he’s still doing this, but it struck me as intelligent. Not drinking for a month (a 31 day one, at that) seems similarly healthy. That’s a whole 1/12th of the year you’re not drinking alcohol, which, if you drink a lot (...?!) then that’s good. I was mostly successful, drinking only about three of the 31 days. So not really successful at all, strictly speaking. It just goes to show how hard it is to get rid of vicious habits.

In a lot of ways. it was actually much easier to do an 80 day running challenge, which I completed on Jan 6.

The challenge for me was to run at least a mile every day for 80 consecutive days. I think I averaged about 3 miles per run, which ended up being less than my usual weekly/monthly mileage. The experience taught me a lot about sticking with a habit and pushing through mental resistance. I almost never run after work, but during the 80 day run streak, I ran after work about half the time. I bought a headlamp as this all occurred in the fall and winter. I ended up going for a very drunk run after the Ohio State - Michigan game, and I fell down on the sidewalk and really scraped myself up. I realized an easy one mile run can turn into a really fun, energizing three or five mile run. I think I’ll probably go for another run streak, although by the end I was constantly tired and sore.

January was a disappointing month from a health and fitness perspective. I ended my 80 day run challenge, and immediately picked up a new one: to run ten miles more than the previous month’s mileage, for at least six months. The problem was, I had run about 90 miles in December, so I had a goal of 100 in January and an eventual goal of 150 in May, which would be about my maximum monthly mileage. As I mentioned above, I was really worn out from the run streak (how do people stack up years-long streaks?) and turning my mileage up to a very high level was a bad idea. It didn’t end up mattering anyway, as I got to be very sick for the last two weeks of the month (just feeling better now) and I haven’t run since Jan 20.

I picked up another challenge, but one without a time component. Spurred by a friend’s push-up streak and an oblique reference to it from a Learned League question, I decided to train to do the “Sally Up” challenge:

If you don’t watch the video above, the gist is to do push-ups, planks, and whatever you call holding yourself off the ground, but with your elbows bent to 90 degrees - all to the tune of Moby’s “Flower”. The song samples a blues song with the lyrics, “Bring Sally up / and bring Sally down / lift and squat gotta tear the ground”. On “bring Sally up” you push up and hold until “bring Sally down”, at which point you bend your elbows to 90 degrees but don’t rest your body on the ground. It’s quite hard. I’d come across it maybe a year ago and only made it about a minute in. My only training for it was to do it after running, and I went from about 1:20 to 1:45. But I haven’t done it since the 20th. I also haven’t researched ‘strats’ for it, but I presume that by just doing the activity I’ll improve at it. Of course, I do pull-ups as a counter motion to this, but I end up feeling some tendonitis or something in my right elbow from doing a lot of push activities, so who knows if I’ll ever be able to do this.

Another reason why I know for a fact I’m no diarist is that I had attempted to chronicle each of the 80 or so runs I did during my run streak. I made it to run three, and then penciled in maybe number 80. Like, utter failure. I don’t know why I can take up physical challenges pretty easily, but forcing myself to do ‘work’ is infinitely harder. I have a form of discipline, but it’s not that one I guess.

I have a few other self-improvement projects, like learning Spencerian penmanship. As I also have a more than vague interest in pens and things, I thought it was stupid to have bad handwriting. Similar-wise to drawing. I’ve wasted so much of my life being fixated on things. I’ve always loved pens and art supplies -- notebooks, pencils, rulers, markers, paints -- but I’ve never taken any kind of instruction or tried to learn anything artistic. So I had and have been working on that. It’s relatively easy to be able to draw forms and figures if you practice, but being creative can’t be taught.

Over what I like to call the ‘Winter Break’, I received for Christmas and read Masha Gessen’s book about Putin. It’s quite good. I don’t know anything about Russian history, so I have to remind myself constantly to temper my reactions to her stories, but it seems... hella fucked up? It’s improbable and frightening how quickly Putin gained, consolidated, and abused his power. Obviously, there are many, many parallels to Trump. It almost seems by design, which I wouldn’t discount. I’ve constantly found many leftists chiding this new-found Russo-phobia to be consternating or outright puzzling. I know Glenn Greenwald is aware of Russia’s policies in re: freedom, press, minority and gay rights. But he seems pretty non-plussed about it all. Like liberals in the US are just continuing the cold war or something. Which, I think is probably sort of true. But also, the motivations here seem totally different? The political apparatus opposing Russian interference in American political life doesn’t seem like it will gain much materially from its actions. And the opposite faction actually has everything to gain. I don’t understand.

One book that’s helped me to understand somewhat is The Devil’s Chessboard, a long history of Allen Dulles and the CIA, written by David Talbot, who founded Slate. Again, I know very little about anything, so I’m constantly having to remind myself that there are countervailing interpretations and views about all of this. But if even half of what Talbot writes about is true, Allen Dulles and his brother John Foster Dulles are two of the most powerful and little-discussed (in the mainstream, popular press or history curriculum) men in American history. The Dulles brothers ran the CIA and State Department throughout from WW2 through the Kennedy administration. So: they ran the official and unofficial foreign policies of the most powerful country in the world during the period in which it gained the majority of its power. With little public accountability. And their only guiding principles being to topple Communism and make money for their former clients and friends in the insanely affluent world of international business. Take away about 80 points of IQ and trade Islam with Communism, and you have today’s state of affairs.

My thinking has been dominated by trying to contextualize all of what’s happening with whatever accounts of the past I can find. This book on Dulles has been an amazing resource for that, and if you’re unfamiliar with the political context of the cold war, then I’d recommend it. It’s very relevant. The whole of American foreign policy, official and secret, can be traced directly to Allen Dulles. From collaborating with Nazis to creating pan-national corporate states to destabilizing foreign regimes to promote or protect the interests of those states to utterly ignoring the rule and spirit of the law to accomplish all of the above. It’s headspinning, breathtaking, whatever. It’s literally incredible, and I’m looking forward to reading something more ‘basic’, like Halberstam’s book about the 50s, to get some more perspective. But it’s beyond a doubt in my mind that America right now is just where it deserves to be.

I haven’t been listening to as much new music and such this month. I came very late to the Kevin Gates album. He’s been consistently one of my favorite rappers, even though he has a plethora of corny songs (”Hard For” is a major cringer). But his flow is ferocious and his voice is just about singular. Whereas it seems like all the other young rappers have moved to welp-like squeaks and squawks for their vocal style, there’s something strangely transgressive about his deep throated gravelly sound.

I’ve rediscovered my love of Phish. It’s just happy, great, energetic music. I just found out Phish is playing a 13 day stand at MSG, and I hope to go to one of those shows. But, TBH, I could live in the summer 1993 tour and be happy forever.

Up until the election, I listened to so many political podcasts, and then after the election I stopped finding entertaining political ‘news’ and journalism. Especially Jon Favreau. What a smarmy fuck. I hope his new podcast “saves america” or whatever, but I highly doubt it will, unless he can find a way to weaponize the uniquely grating sound of condescension and overconfidence masking his one good attribute in life: having a great boss, once. 

I’ve recently discovered an older podcast (though still ongoing!) called Tincture. It’s a post-apocalyptic one, like listening to an alternate universe version of Fallout. Like, if Fallout 3 were actually amazing and somehow influenced by Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series (but only the good parts). It’s awesome, so far. Highly recommended, along with Doughboys, my favorite comedy podcast of the last year. It’s started off a little ‘ehhh’, but the last episode with Jon Gabrus (who also has a pretty good podcast, High and Mighty) was an achievement. Maybe a little too up its own ass for new listeners, but that’s sort of the whole MO of the Doughboys. Maybe you have to get frog-boiled accustomed to it, though. 

There are lots of other things going on in my life, and January has marked an inflection point in one of them. I’m hoping that things somehow the general situation improves. Going to the women’s march in New York was inspirational for the size of the crowd and the diversity of the voices, but it was just one day. I know people are protesting and resisting throughout the country (and world), but I fear that unless the resistance can become commoditized into some form of media or consumption (basically, subsumed into capitalism) a la Fox News and MAGA hats, then it’s doomed to fail. It’s not fun to stand outside in the cold all day yelling. It’s fun to have well groomed people on TV telling you things you agree with. That’s something you’ll do every day and spend money on, perpetuating the messaging and power it has. I just don’t see a way out until people on the left can start to coexist and consolidate their world views into something sustainable in some form that’s empowering and most of all easy to do. I know that’s not very revolutionary, and making a liberal Fox News sounds like simultaneously an unambitious and meager, sham-like goal. But just being practical, everyone tearing everyone else apart on twitter all day is the opposite of productive. There has to be something else.

(I know it’s ironic that I’m calling for some sort of agreeable mass media to give leftist views a mainstream platform for consolidating and propagating their views just a few lines after slamming the Favreau podcast. Maybe I’m just not the target audience for it, so I walk my condemnation back a little and say, more power to you and good luck.)

January is over. Tomorrow is James Joyce’s birthday. I might go for a run today, but I probably won’t. Twenty-eight days later, this post will almost certainly not see a sequel.