#also these arent supposed to ease the struggle THAT much

[djpachipikachu]

do graves!leosagi ever get tired of their friends/family labelling them?? like maybe leo’s bros make fun of him for having a “boyfriend” and he gets like rightfully irritated by that ?

its Kinda amusing bc eventually leo’s family at least straight up thinks theyre just really good pals and its like wow ! friendship ! in a more oblivious sense like they just kinda shrug and go oh yeah usagi’s here again whatever

originally mikey was insanely insanely suspicious of usagi and what his relationship was with leo (“hes literally just a friend” “YOU MEAN A BOY-FRIEND. AND U NEVER TOLD US.” “what am i supposed 2 say do i update u guys every time i make a friend” “If I See This Fuckinf Rabbit Sleeping In Your Bed Again I’m Telling Dad” “WE WERE HAVING A SLEEPOVER”) (mikey was mainly shocked bc leo invited a friend to sleepover who they didnt know And leo didnt tell anyone there was an extra mouth to feed for brekkie) but once everything was smoothed over usagi just became another regular, similar to how april is

leo himself tells raph that its a little more than that but only raph rly knows it and hes always had a hunch about them so it didnt change much in how the brotjers saw the two

usagi’s family on the other hand is definitely more “Boyfriend? boyfriend? boyfriend? crush? romance?” kitsune teases usagi about how dramatically romantic it must be to fall for a guy he hated in the beginning and usagi is like . so filled with Eugh. This Is Not Romantic. ick feeling that it causes him to be more in denial at how close he’s gotten with leo (in the beginning at least , later on kitsune still teases him but he’s more at ease with how him and leo are, so he always jusy goes “ew no im not kissing him dates r gross” but over time she toned it down to more “ooh is someone missing a certain kappa?” kinda teasing rather than “whens the wedding/has your first kiss happened yet lmao/etc” kinda teasing)

hana calls leo his boyfriend like all the time and like . usagi doesnt rly correct her bc she’s 8 and he doesnt know how to explain that they “arent Really boyfriends sure they do things that couples would do sometimes but its platonic and well you dont rly know what platonic means uh”

so she gets a pass on all her “IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND” comments since usagi is just like “yeagh its leo u wanna say hi”

auntie notices how leo visits a lot and she kinda just is like “okay ur like my kid now. lol.” she thinks they are just best friends bc usagi said they are and who is she to think otherwise, she kinda just absorbs leo (and later on the hamatos) as her own family and doesnt question their relatiomship much

chizu and gen tend to stay out of usagi’s personal business like that But gen did think that leo was a girl for a good while before he was ever introduced to him . and he was like “usagi if you wanna pick up the ladies u need like. do better. than this” “what. What” “like take a shower man” trying to give him flirting/relationship advice without actually knowing leo at all and also assuming usagi is straight

all in all its never really serious if people call them boyfriends or just best friends bc they dont really care to correct anyone it only matters if its like “so did you hit the [insert romantic relationship milestone] phase yet haha” bc that gets tiring to hear constantly

mainly all their family is just like “oh okay” at their relationship since i dont Really want to make the hardships of being aroace or being queer a big point since we already struggle enough with that irl ! a few details here and there about how their unlabelled status confuses some people but generally just a “we’ve seen weirder shit who cares” kinda energy to it

i love rambling . Thank you for the wuestion ily /p

[freebooter4ever]

Ok lets talk dildos, sexuality, and years of being 'broken'.

BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ONE A LONG TIME AGO fuck. Look i grew up with a catholic family, we all know how it goes, yall end up with all kinds of weird vibes about sex and so. Much. Guilt. Girls especially are made to feel guilty and embarrassed about finding any sort of pleasure around sex/masturbation - its all shame shame shame. And i just kind of accepted it - mostly i think because of being demisexual and not really knowing how to put that into words, i never felt sexual attraction much at all except for a few specific instances here and there. I didnt date until college and by then it was kind of too late for those early stages of fumbling and discovery.

Believe it or not pretty much from high school till the age of 23 i didnt even masturbate at all - because it was so embarrassing and shameful and i always lived with roommates so like...when was there ever a moment lol.

And here's the thing, im small. Im not short but i have always been skinny and i have always been athletic and those two things combined mean things were super tight down there. Guys have always commented that this is great. For me? Not so much. Even before the abusive relationship pain always went hand in hand with sex. But if the guy was, you know, nice...it was worth it. My first boyfriend, as nice as he was, used to not even notice when i would be crying while we were having sex because it hurt so much. The abusive asshole i dated next made everything a million times worse. Obviously.

It was a year after the abusive relationship that nick walked into my life with his pies and smile that could melt the sun. And while we were lovers i used to joke that he could be a sex therapist, but genuinely that was one of nick's gifts - he could connect sexually with anyone, which was amazing to a girl like me who found maybe one person attractive every five years. Nick knew how to put people at ease, he was sensual and knew way more about sex than i could ever imagine, and a ton more experience, but he never made me feel awkard or embarrassed about it. And for the first time ever in my entire life, sex actually didnt hurt. Sometimes my friends ask me why i was so hung up on him for so long and, like, him being the only guy who didnt cause me pain because he actually cared enough to try not to was kinda....unique. Of course it also mean nick struggled with monogamy and, like, not hitting on my best friends. Awkward. (to be fair my best friends were way hotter than me but still. Not cool.)(it also meant i spent most of my romantic life desperately wishing i could be someone else, someone worthy of serious attention, hotter, bigger boobs, better, blah blah blah)

In LA i decided that since i was over 30 i was just going to avoid real dating altogether since i was past the 'desirable' age. i had Hiker Boy which only worked for so long because we weren't exclusive, he never pressured me to have penetrative sex so never hurt me, and i knew he was dating other girls since he was only ever in LA a few days each month, and i was cool with this because frankly it meant i didnt have to deal with the sex issue.

Then i started living alone and my fear of masturbation started getting silly like for fucks sake i live alone there is nobody else in the house to even hear or smell anything. And for the first time ever i realized i actually could feel the kind of pleasure people wrote about in smut. Except a finger is one thing...a dick is entirely different LOL.

but growing up in a society where sex is never talked about and is shameful and catholic girls arent supposed to really want that stuff anyway - i went my entire life assuming my pain and 'tight'ness was just permanent and something my body would always have. I obviously googled and what little i could find suggested that this was probably related to the endometriosis i was diagnosed with at 14. Nothing i could do to 'fix' myself.

However, recently after accidentally discovering that masturbation somehow works to recconect that broken connection of my brain/blood circulation/heartrate for a few hours after, i immediately incorporated this into my POTS 'healing' attempts. And started reading on the internet about that and found out specifically cervix/uterus stimulation with deep penetrative sex is the best for that one nerve that connects all these autonomous bodily functions together. And hey if doctors can suggest four hours of meditation per day (boring) to try and do the same thing, why cant i just spend a half hour with my own kind of stimulation? And finally, finally, i decided it was time to experiment with dildos and see if i could even get to a point of 'deep penetrative' stimulation. Lol.

Shoutout to my friends who helped me with this purchase if you are reading this LOL LOL. 😅

turns out everything i believed about my permanently broken body was wrong.

Its only been a few days and already im past the pain and closer to the pleasure part of this experiment. Like, i genuinely never thought anything wider than one single finger would fit, but god damn it, im learning otherwise. And i am so fucking mad that i wasted so many years of my life thinking i was broken and worthless. (i mean now i am chonically ill and am broken and worthless in other ways but thats besides the point). But seriously my twenties were spent being terrified of men and avoiding them (except nick) or dating guys who were okay with penetrative sex not being a thing with us. I was living an asexual life when im very much NOT asexual. And it wasnt a total hardship because thanks to demisexuality if im not interested in anyone at the moment i really am pretty close to being asexual 90% of the time. But still. There were a few people i was attracted to that if i had thought i could act on it, things might have been very different. And when that attraction flips On, in the words of sabrina carpenter, my sexuality is really quite normal and functioning.

Tldr FUCK CATHOLIC GUILT BUY THE DAMN DILDO

THE READMORE BROKE FOR A MIN IM SO SORRY

Happy h***y on main saturday! \o/ to celebrate this will be reblogged with a rant on ...well...the contents in this photo (to avoid auto tagging)

[ptera-novaeangliae]

Some Pathologic 2 Tips!

Hey! Thought I’d add some tips to helping people play Patho 2 if they’re struggling, because I totally understand games reaching a point where you can’t enjoy the story because of how hard it’s become. These tips are intending to ease some of the meter management in the game, though they are aimed primarily at the first couple of days, because I’ve always found that how I prepare in the first three days goes a long way to determining how difficult my playthrough is. These tips are just from how I’ve played it, I understand a lot of people do things very differently! But these have got me through no deaths and no character death runs on intended difficulty before.

No major spoilers in this section, but I will add a spoiler to day 1 guide in the reblogs, for if anyone is intending to do a second playthrough or something.

Combat

·         Combat in pathologic can be tricky! If you want to go for few deaths or are struggling with deaths in the streets, it’s really good to remember that you don’t have any obligations to fight outside of the certain event on day 9.

·         Running inside buildings will always despawn muggers. In infected and burnt districts, every single building is unlocked and can function this way. In regular districts, you can use shops and character houses for this purpose. When they’re following you, this is a good idea, so you can get back to your trash can hopping.

·         My advice is to just run past enemies if you can! This is how I did my 0 deaths run, and they shouldn’t be able to catch up to you if you’ve got a head start on them, muggers don’t usually have good items anyways. Don’t be afraid of drinking water to keep your stamina bar high- you can always refill the bottles.

·         If you end up in a space where you have to or want to fight, good weapon durability is very important! Guns jam a lot if not well cared for, and knives kill people VERY quickly when full durability and used as a strong attack. I tend to grab things from bins (kids caches are a good place to find straight razors) and keep the knife from Lara’s cupboard in day 1 at full durability.

·         I don’t actually recommend saving up for the gun on day 1, you can probably afford it on day 2 anyways, but I find it dissuades you from using your money from getting cheap food on day 1, and encourages you to fight. You get some money guaranteed on day 2, and you can harvest the dead mugger’s organs outside of the dead item shop on night 1 to sell to Var for a lot of day 2 money.

·         Trading water with drunks for bandages may seem tempting but I’d recommend only doing this if you really need to (it’s always best to have some bandages, but I mainly buy them from stores) because having a lot of water is very important for tinctures- I talk about this later on.

Resources

·         I would recommend always selling rings, pocket watches and bracelets for cash in stores- these go for a lot and are worth more that way than trading usually.

·         Shop in stores! This helped me so much on my second playthrough, especially little items like safety pins, threads, needles and nuts. These are both really good for trading, for repair and they don’t cost much. Stock up on them.

·         Spend most of your day 1 money on food like bread (and nuts are always good to get), and then store it. Having a good stockpile of food is great for later on- this also goes for trading teenagers for smoked fish in the first couple of days. I tend to have food going spare when I do this.

·         Water bottles! This is a huge one for me, I find water to be a big limiting factor late game when you need a lot of tinctures, so stock up big in the days where the pipes are still working. Loot every trash can for empty water bottles, you should hopefully have around 50 filled bottles by the time the plague hits and you’re making tinctures.

·         In the first couple of days, you need to stock up on a lot. Store things in the cupboard against Big Vlad’s front door and at the food cabinet in Lara’s house so you don’t lose it, before you get the Lair.

·         Being able to create a lot of tinctures is a huge deal. Herbs are abundant in certain locations, go to these places on a night (so you can see the glow of the flies around them) and stock up: the Crowstone, the Ragi Barrow, the Gumstone (stone formations in the steppe). Additionally, the little river islands behind Artemy’s lair usually have a lot, and there are 3 herb rings in Shekhen that have A LOT that you shouldn’t miss when you’re there.

·         I don’t tend to bother with giving blood to the ground, for the herbs are very abundant in the steppe and blood sells (so do a lot of organs, no reputation drop at all if they’re taken from the hospital, and you’re in a financial squeeze.)

·         Always having a stack of walnuts is a great idea, they trade with little girls for 5 (the only NPCs to have shmowders). Safety pins, buttons, raisins and marbles are also very good here. Try to use the different children’s trade priorities to your advantage, and always buy nuts in grocers if you can.

·         Trade with kids as much as possible! Taking detours to visit playgrounds is important, and always having enough to trade with shmowder girls is a big deal.

Plague

·         So you can make a lot of tinctures- it’s very important, to keep a lot of tinctures on you for prophylaxis and diagnosis. Maxing out the public fund on plague days will give you all the resources you need for the day and more, lots of money for shops, food and sometimes antibiotics. I can’t recommend doing this enough, if you have time.

·         This is where tinctures and antibiotics are important (I tend to buy antibiotics from the shops to keep up with this, though organ antibiotics also work), after you’ve done your daily hospital task, you’ll need to treat some random people still to maximise the bar. You can do this in the street or in the hospital, if I remember correctly it’s about 3 people a day, and it’s very worth it.

·         Use your basic tinctures for this, and try to always use your + tinctures for prophylaxis of main characters.

·         Stock up on immunity boosters by trading with kids in the first couple of days, try to use these to boost your immunity when you need to, rather than tinctures to save them for other stuff. They also tend to be relatively cheap in stores- keep stocked up.

·         Having clothing items in all slots and keeping them at good durability helps with immunity too- this is where buying little items from shops all the time comes in handy. And repairing when durability hasn’t gone down much is always cheaper, sometimes it’s more effective to just buy a new item of clothing to replace the old one rather than repairing it.

·         Infected houses are great for dead items- Fellow Traveller has a shmowder but you can’t afford it? Pop into an infected house and stock up.

[michaelreaderreblog]

My truemate pt10

Catch up here ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE

*************************************************************

Word Count: 2,515

“Its nice to meet you Dean, Y/n you know its ok I can find a ride to pick me up. I can call my brother, you dont need to drop me off” he says stepping away from you and you go stand beside Sam.

“You know thats how exactly you look like when you saw Sarah at the sewing shop” you whisper to him as the both of you look at Dean who is just struggling to form anything together.

“Are you sure? I have no problems with driving you home” you say to Castiel while he is dialing his brothers number on his cell phone.

“Michael, would it be alright if you came to pick me up at 174 Poughkeepsie Road?” Castiel goes silent for a moment for his brother to answer his question.

“I work with y/n, she hired me today” he goes silent again.

“Ok I will wait here then” he hangs up the phone with his brother.

“Is he going to pick you up?” Sam asks breaking the silence that has been lurking in the office.

“Yeah he said he is going to be by in a minute, he said he was doing a delivery near by and said wouldnt be a problem” he says getting his jacket from the couch.

“I could walk you to the door and wait with you outside” you say moving to the door.

“I could” Dean finally says after so long.

“NO!! Sam stay with Dean while I go wait with Castiel” you growl to Dean and Sam does what he is being told.

Castiel who looks on and has a smile on his face while walking out of the office with you.

“Well seems as though I found my mate” he says as you both walk out of the house and sit on the porch steps to wait for his brother to drive up the long drive way to pick up Castiel.

“Well so much for us adopting” you say while looking away from Castiel almost sounding hurt at the rejection and he looks to you with a wide smile and gives out a slight chuckle.

“Sorry about that” Castiel says while he sits on the front porch steps waiting for his brother.

“What does he smell like to you?” you ask out of curiosity and wanted to make sure he will treat Dean right just like you hope your brother would do the same.

“His scent smells like wood shavings, a very pleasant musk, and if I concentrate enough I can smell a rain forest. His scent tells me he is a hard working man who provides for his family, protects whats his and someone who is kind. It even also smells like mine” he says while closing his eyes to memorize the scent Dean gave off back in the office.

As soon as he finishes and opens his eyes is when Michael pulls into the drive way and parks in front of the house. He steps out of his truck and immediately you can smell his scent and all you wanted to do was attack him until his knot swelled up inside you.

“Y/n? You are beginning to smell like slick, you having your heat?” Castiel asks as he gets up from the step to go into the truck.

“What? No. I will see you tomorrow ok. Bye Castiel” you say as you rush into the house before Michael could catch your scent that Castiel as has picked up once you got up from the steps.

“That was rather abrupt, I didnt get the chance to introduce you to her” he says coming down the stairs and stands beside his brother.

“Its alright Castiel, I already met her” Michael says opening the door for his younger brother.

“Oh you have? When?” he asks getting into the passenger side.

“The first day they got here, they came by Connor's diner. Dick of course was being a Dick towards Y/n and yeah Im pretty sure you know how that goes” he says putting the truck in reverse.

“You were there when all that happened?” he asks looking to his older brother.

“Yeah I was there. Anna was away on business and I didnt feel like cooking so thats where I went” he says looking away from the road to look at his brother for a quick second.

“Yeah I wouldnt want to eat your cooking either so good call on going to the diner” he says smiling to his brother and getting a chuckle out of Michael.

“Hey watch it little brother, I could just toss you out and make you walk home” he says while he gently hits his arm they both laugh at the retort.

“How did you get the job with Y/n?” Michael asks as he focuses on the road.

“I think mom told her and today she called and asked if I could come in. I agreed but we are going to do a week trial to see how things go between me and the work along with her and I” Castiel says looking to his brother.

“Well Im happy for you, keep your mind off things” Michael says quietly as he looks away from Castiel.

“Castiel, I know its been tough and still is. I just want to tell you I am very happy, relieved, grateful, and thankful you are still here because I dont know what I would do if I lost you. Or how mom and dad would feel. What Lucifer did and how he passed is a way of showing how much he sacrificed himself to have you here. The loss of Lucifer still affects us all today but when we look at you, its a feeling you have no idea on how we feel because we love you so very much for you to be here never forget that. I know you carry around this feeling of guilt but I just want you to hear it from me that its not your fault, you are living proof that Lucifer died a hero and living proof that there could be goodness in the world.” Michael says as he pulls the truck over to move closer to his brother, places a hand on his shoulder while he tells him.

Michael didnt realize how teary eyed he got when tears started to fall and land on his leg. Castiel sits there speechless about what his brother is telling him and how incredibly relieved he feels for hearing that for the first time, he didnt think that his brother would feel this way.

“Thank you Michael really. Dad has told me this before and I know how much it hurts you along with our parents to see me this way. I just miss him so much” Castiel says quietly as they pull into town and getting near the house.

“I miss him as well. Even though we had our differences that doesnt change one bit on how much I love him. I miss him dearly.” Michael says as he keeps driving.  

“There is another thing that I want to tell you before I drop you off” he says driving by their parents house and turning unto another street to turn around to drive towards Connor's diner.

“Ok but where are we going?” he asks looking at the house they are driving away from.

“We are going to the diner because I dont want mother eaves dropping on our conversation. I know how she is going to react about what I am about to tell you.” he says getting onto the street where the diner in located.

“Is Anna pregnant?” he asks whipping his head to his brother.

“No, she isnt. Its a health problem if she is pregnant, you should know that” he answers his brother and turning into the parking lot of the diner.

“Yeah but with safety precautions it can be possible” he says looking around the parking lot to see if the evening rush has busied the diner.

Its a health risk if a Beta becomes pregnant knowing that their bodies arent equipped the same way as an Omega who can birth pups very easily the way they are suppose to. Its a toss between the Beta dying during pup birth or having a miscarriage early in the pregnancy.

With safety precautions from the Doctor and taken very seriously will ease the Beta into a risk free delivery and the pup will be as healthy. If these instructions werent taken seriously then there would be a risk of miscarriage and that happens mostly if it werent taken seriously by the Doctor.

Both brothers get out of the truck to walk in the direction of the main entrance, Michael opens the door for Castiel to walk in first.

They seat themselves at a two person table in the middle of the diner and a waitress comes to take their drink order.

“Well its the Cuthbert boys, glad to see you Castiel” Dorothy says.

“Well its good to see you to Dorothy” he says looking to her with a smile on his face.

“What can I get ya?” she asks taking out a note pad from her apron pocket.

“I'll have coffee and water.” Michael answers looking up to Dorothy.

“Ok, how about you Castiel?” she asks nodding in agreement with Michaels drink order.

“I will have a tea and water” he answers her.

“Alright I will be right out, just let me know if either of you want something to eat” she says and walks away from the table to get the coffee for Michael and tea for Castiel.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” he looks to his older brother.

“Its about y/n” is all Michael says looking to his younger brother.

“What about her?” he asks almost sounding like he doesnt want him to answer that question but is curious to what he will say.

“She is my mate, my true mate” he says with a smile forming at the corners of his mouth.

“What? What about Anna?” he asks.

“I havent told her yet and Im working up to it” he says looking away from him and looks to Dorothy who brings out their drinks.

“Michael you better tell her. If y/n truly is your mate then what does she smell like?” he asks leaning in closer to him.

“Her scent smells like freshly grinded coffee, with the smell of banana's and a sweet smell of caramel” he says with a smile on his face and looking to his brother.

“What does that tell you?” he asks giving his older brother a questioning look.

“Hard working, vibrant, nurturing, and mine” he says.

“I have always wanted a mate who is as hard working as I am and not just an Omega whose only job is to give birth to my pups or only serves me just because society has told them to. I just want an equal and she is my equal. I still have to talk to Anna about this. There was a time when she said she would let me go if my true mate ever came along” he says taking a sip from his coffee.

“And what about now? You think she is going to do that?” Castiel asks unsure if Anna will give up that easily knowing how in love she is with Michael.

“I dont know but I do hope that she understands, I have always said I wanted to settle with my true mate. I know how this sounds so unfair but cant seem to take y/n off my mind” Michael says to his brother.

“Yeah it does sound unfair. You want to know what I think though?” he asks his older brother.

“Please enlighten me from the guilt I am having right now because I have someone who is Anna when my true mate lives in the same town as us” he sighs in defeat.

“I think you should end things with Anna and explain yourself. I know she will understand when there is a true mate involved, dont get me wrong I like Anna but you deserve a true mate and thats y/n. I want to see you truly happy Michael I mean really happy” he says to his older brother in hopes he would do the right thing in talking to Anna.

They both finish of their coffee and Tea to pay for their drinks and head on home.

After you rush inside the house and lean against the door to wait for the slick to settle but that doesnt happen. You didnt feel uncomfortable well other than whats dripping from you and went rushing down the stairs to go into the room that was made specifically for your heats. Dean and Sam are still in your office and you heard them call for you.

“Not right now guys” you say while closing the room door behind you to lock it.

You go through the closet to look for the box of toys that were placed in there during the time while moving into the house.

“Your heat coming on?” Dean asks faintly on the other side of the closed door.

“Dean please not right now” you yell back and finally looking for the box, you opened it to find what exactly you were looking for.

You strip off your clothes as fast as you could when you stumbled on top of the bed to get your jeans off.

After several minutes to your self well pleasing yourself, you dress slowly to get out of the room and up the stairs to the main bathroom to shower.

“Y/n what was that all about?” Dean asks as soon as you enter the kitchen.

“Really? You want me to answer that?” you ask while turning beet red out of embarrassment.

“How many times have I told you not to be ashamed of your heats, especially when telling me because I dont want anything happening to you during those times. You know what happens when your heat comes along, you get severely dehydrated and thats what always scares me the most.” he says looking at you with fear all over him and you can even smell it off of him, you get up from your chair to embrace him with a hug.

“I know, calm down. It wasnt my heat, Michael came by to pick up Castiel and um” you pull away from Dean at the mentions of Michael's name and look away from him.

“Ohh” is all that he could say and continue on what he was doing which is cooking.

“The mate thing really hit ya hard huh” he says while he makes a pot of coffee.

Dean has always worried about you when your heats came along, the first time you presented as Omega is when you got severely dehydrated and passed out in bed. He came into the room and placed you in the bathroom to let the cool water run and placed you in the tub to cool you off.

**********************

TAGLIST

@freerebelmentality

@enthusedbycuriosity

@sia-del

@animegirlgeeky

[chocolate-brownies]

Eoin Finn and Chelsey Korus are both world-renowned yoga teachers with a passion for the planet. In this special—and crucial—conversation, they discuss how the philosophy of yoga requires that yogis be environmentally-minded, and why it matters to them. 

Want in on their passion to change the world? It’s not too late to sign up for their Blissology EcoKarma Immersion at Wanderlust O’ahu! For more information, click here. For tickets to O’ahu, click here. 

A line in the Isha Upanishad translates to: His friends were shocked to find that despite the beauty of the cage the poor bird was dying. It can be interpreted as a cautionary verse, reflecting on the averse impact humans can have on the natural world. Wisdom of ancient spiritual texts are often transcendent of time and culture, and certainly the metaphor of a dying bird resonates with the pains we are experiencing in this modern moment. The planet is changing because of the human influence.

With a rise in volatile weather patterns, changes in ecosystems, and dwindling landscapes that were once thriving, we can’t help but pose the question, what is a yogi to do? We turned to two outspoken natural world lovers, activists, and international yoga teachers, Chelsey Korus and Eoin Finn, to ask for their perspective on how we can individually and collectively support, protect, and revitalize the environment.

Eoin Finn teaching in the sunshine at Wanderlust O’ahu 2017. Photo by Melissa Gayle

How has your relationship with the environment informed your practice as well as your teaching?

Chelsey: My teaching and my practice revolves around wonder. The word is on my vision board and I see it as a gift that is given to us by the earth. Nature gives us a common language and it is told through the voice of wonder. The more I am connected to the wonder of nature, the more I am inspired, and the more authentic I can be. When I am in that place of wonder and awe, I am completely present and therefore can speak to what is currently happening in and around me. The earth gives me a gift every time I connect with her, and it is from that gift that I teach.

Eoin: I agree 100 percent with Chelsey. Wonder is one of the major purposes of being alive. We aren’t supposed to be on autopilot but work to open all of our senses.

I am old enough to look back on my life and reflect on my years here and what has been guiding me. I realize that a big question I am answering is what actually happens to us [on every level] when we get quiet in nature. What happens to our bodies, minds, cells? That is the constant question, since I was 12, that I have been trying to answer. It’s a question that brings forth wonder and awe, and it takes place in nature.

Why should we prioritize reconnecting with the environment? What are some ways we can develop a relationship with the natural world?

Chelsey: We’re in an age of uncertainty. We are searching everywhere for happiness and ease. Yet, all we need to do is look to nature to get the wisdom we need to live clearer lives. The tree knows how to thrive, and the bird has been around far longer than we have. We can look to nature to get closer to what we want, what we need, and what we need to do.

Yoga is a perfect practice to help us steep into the wisdom of the natural world. Yoga asks us to get quiet and wake up to the present moment. Find a daily sit spot. Go to the same place in nature and simply be a witness. Choose one time to be in nature and witness it. This is meditation: a witness to the now. We receive so much when we step into observation of everything the natural world has to show us and share with us.

Eoin: I’ve noticed as I travel and teach, is that there is a thrust to be in a yoga studio and be able to do certain poses. I think we’re taking a wrong turn with where yoga is going. We’re not emphasizing deep connection with nature, and in my perspective, nature is an essential part of the yogic path. Even if you are on the 30th floor of a crowded city, we must become aware in our hearts that no matter what we are connected to nature.

Every second breath we take comes from plankton in the ocean. The breath itself is a sacrament that connects us back to a harmonious relationship with the natural world. I would also say the source of real health is to be in connection with nature. Not to put your legs behind your head, but first and foremost, anchor into our innate bond with the natural world.

What would you say to someone who feels despair about the state of the environment as they witness what’s happening on and to our planet?

Chelsey: This is real. I cry everyday because I feel the Earth is hurting. But that’s a good thing. We want to choose to feel the connection to the environment. At the same time, when you’re out there in your world, the only thing you can do is be the hands and the feet of the change. Nothing else will give you the joy you will feel by cleaning up your immediate environment. Do one thing to support mother earth in a way you can. Pick up the trash you walk by in your community. It can be that simple.

Here’s the way I look at it. Love what you love enough to take care of it even when you’re upset.

Eoin: Side note: I am so stoked for what we’re going to do in Hawaii with Wanderlust! But the struggle is real. Just turn on the news to see the debate about whether climate change is real. It is easy to give up hope and crawl under a rock. However, what’s the purpose of my response? Do I want to be a part of the change?

Let’s look at the third chakra, which is where this issue resides. When we get imbalanced and feel anger or sadness at the state of the world, we can harness the energy of the third chakra and channel it into compassionate action.

What can we actually do to help the environment?

Eoin: I think it’s a question we can all ask ourselves. I discovered that I wanted to help the ocean, especially the coral that is rapidly disappearing, and it’s essential to our ecosystem. I decided to host include coral reef restoration into my Blissology retreats. It’s called the EcoKarma Project, and what I’ve discovered is that the feeling you have when you are in action and in community, is so much more satiating then when we’re simply talking about the issue.

Use what you’re feeling when you become connected to the environment as fuel for change. Ask, what can I impact as part of my yoga?

Chelsey: What’s so great is that when you decide to get involved, how to get involved is going to present itself because you’ve put the idea into your awareness. Keep your eyes and ears open for people and organizations doing work for the environment and either send them a message and ask how you can get involve or give them a shout out on your social media feed to spread some light to your community on what they are doing.

Eoin: In my opinion, the first step to saving the planet is the same step it takes to be a healthy conscious human being: falling in love with the natural world around us. Give yourself the gift of five minutes each day. Put away your smartphone and open up your heart-phone. Be with the beauty of nature and simply steep in it.

Watch the above video for Eoin’s meditation to put away the smartphone.

Eoin: What will happen is you will fall in love with it, and then you will become aware of what you can do to help. I think about the book The Little Prince, “If you want to build a ship don’t drum up people to collect wood or assign them tasks, teach them to fall in love with the vast and infinite sea.”

Chelsey: Also, we can only be in service of what we love. Growing up in Minnesota, I was scared of nature and the world around me, but I knew in my heart that there was deep healing to be had through a relationship with it. I began to treat the natural world like a relationship; I courted nature. I spent time with it, I got to know it in my own way. and overtime I fell in love with it. As Eoin said, start by falling in love with environment, and you’ll know what you need to do to support it.

Anything else you feel inspired to offer on this topic?

Eoin: For my urban yogis, if you can’t ind any nature to fall in love with, look up. The clouds and stars are always there. Nature is everywhere. Look up, pause, and be with the infinity of the sky. Let it light up your heart. Let’s become more obsessed with the stars in the sky than those in Hollywood.

In summary, we are invited to open our eyes to the world around us. Steep in the wonder of what is right here. Fall in the love with this playground of a planet, and do what we can when we can to honor and protect her. As Chelsey so eloquently put it, “we must simply love what we love enough to show up and do our part.” With all of our individual efforts added together, the hope is that the beautiful cage will become much less important than the thriving of the miraculous bird inside of it.

—

Erin Ward is a freelance writer, yoga teacher, and instructor at Wanderlust Hollywood.

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The post Before It’s Too Late: A Crucial Conversation on Yoga + the Environment appeared first on Wanderlust.

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Questions About Child Rearing Costs, Laundry Services, Unused Media, Aldi, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. $250K to raise a kid? 2. Long term care? 3. $20 bill budgeting 4. Expense of laundry service 5. Backlog of unused media 6. 403(b) risky? 7. Cheap or expensive bag? 8. Thoughts on Aldi 9. Is renters insurance necessary? 10. Appliance repair or replace? 11. Saying no to parent 12. Getting value from self-improvement books Spring usually begins with a mix of rainy days and dry days, warm days and cold days. Sometimes, its a warm, dry day and all I want to do is go outside. Other days are wet and cold and I want to stay in out of the rain. The hardest part are the beautiful days when I need to stay inside and work. I want to go outside on a long, long walk through the countryside and through the woods, looking for mushrooms and enjoying the fresh air. Spring is wonderful. On with the questions. Q1: $250K to raise a kid? My husband and I are in our early thirties and were starting to think about having a couple of children in the next few years. We started to look into the costs and the most common figure we found was $250K to raise a child. That cant even be right as there are families that raise kid that barely bring in that in total in 18 years. What is the actual cost of raising a child in your experience? Marion When you see numbers like $250K, youre seeing the total long term cost over a period of at least twenty years, and that often includes paying for college and other such large expenses. Its also an average and includes families who are paying for things like private school. My experience has been that the cost of raising a child is often connected directly to the financial means of the parent. You can raise a child perfectly well on a low income my parents were never, ever very well off when I was growing up and they raised three children. My father worked in a factory (when he wasnt laid off) and had side gigs (most notably commercial fishing) for a living and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. There wasnt a ton of money there. We are most certainly spending more per child on our children than my parents did on me, but the truth is that a lot of the extra expense is on optional things like a band instrument or sports fees or an extra ticket to an event that were going to as a family. We could not spend those things and our child would be perfectly fine. In other words, those $250K estimates are numbers that summarize what parents are choosing to spend on children, not what they have to spend. Outside of some basic things like food, shelter, clothing, public education, and medical care, most expenses related to raising a child are very optional, and many of those required expenses can be incredibly low out of pocket. Q2: Long term care? Read this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/10/health/assisted-living-costs-elderly.html What are ordinary people supposed to do when they need long term care? The wealthy can pay for insurance or higher care, but thats not an option for a poor person or even a middle class person. If me or my wife needed long term care I dont know what wed do. Alex This is one of many issues that have radically changed in society during the 20th century and that we havent really figured out how to handle as a society. At the start of the 20th century, people who needed this kind of care usually didnt have the medical care necessary to continue to live. They perished. Thus, it was fairly uncommon for someone to need this kind of care for an extended period of time, and when it did occur, there were typically large families and even whole communities who stepped up to provide that care. Today, much of that has changed. In many situations, medical advancements enable people to live through things that they would not have survived 100 years ago. This means that more people who are in a long term care situation are surviving when they previously would not have done so. At the same time, nuclear families are smaller and communities are less tight-knit, for various reasons. The truth is that as a society, we have not figured out how to handle this yet. We havent figured out how to handle a lot of the advancements of the 20th century yet as a society. One only needs to look at the cruelty of many internet forums as further evidence of this. The problem, of course, is that there is no ready-made solution. Long term care insurance is definitely one step many people can take to gain peace of mind about future situations, but its expensive for many. The honest truth is that many families, when faced with long term care situations, just have to deal with it moment by moment to the best of their ability. Some families struggle to provide that care at home, particularly when theres a larger pool of family members that can help, while others go into debt. Many families rely on some form of government assistance to make it work. If you can easily afford it, long term care insurance is a great idea. If not well, society doesnt have a robust solution for you. The solutions vary widely from situation to situation. Q3: $20 bill budgeting Was reading an internet forum that reminded me of how I used to budget in college. Back then, I used to have an envelope with $10 bills in it. Each month, Id put $300 in $10s in there and each day I would take one out. Aside from rent, I had to live on that $10 each day. It paid for the bus and for food. Strategy I saw used $20 bills today which would be roughly the same. Mary Lets spell out this system a little bit. Aside from scheduled bills like rent, electricity, and so on, a person would aim to live on $20 a day in cash. Each month, a person would withdraw $600 cash from savings in the form of 30 $20 bills and put them in an envelope somewhere secure. Each day, that person would take a $20 bill out of the envelope and put it in their pocket. They would have to live off of that $20 bill and change from the previous months. This gives you room to splurge if you want to, but to do so would involve eating beans and rice for a while. In other words, lean days would directly help with expensive days. It would also be needed to help you make up front purchases like a bus pass, which would ease daily expenses a little going forward. I mentioned this idea to a friend and she said that she would probably try to have days where she could get by without pulling a $20 out of the envelope and then at the end of the month thered be some $20s left over, which shed use for bigger goals or big expenses or emergencies. That seems like a strong idea to me. I think this system would work very well for anyone who is trying to make ends meet on a very tight budget. Q4: Expense of laundry service There is a service in our town that just started that will take your laundry off of your front step and bring it back within 24 hours washed, dried, and folded. The cost is $2 per pound of clothes (rounded up to nearest pound), paid up front. I am trying to do the math on whether this makes sense or not for us. Amy A typical large load of laundry weighs somewhere between 7 and 10 pounds, but that really varies depending on how much you stuff in your washer with a typical load. I actually weighed a load of laundry that I just pulled out of our dryer on a kitchen scale and it weighed about 9.5 pounds. So, youre paying somewhere between $15 and $20 per load of laundry to be done for you. What is that saving you? The big savings is the time. You arent carrying your clothes to the washer and filling it up. Youre not moving clothes to the dryer. Youre not folding those clothes, either. Thats all done for you. In terms of cost, the cost of a load of laundry at home, including all materials, energy, and equipment depreciation, is around $1. So, in essence, youre paying someone between $14 and $19 to put a load of clothes into the washer, transferring them to the dryer when done, then folding them for you when the drying is done. Thats at most half an hour of effort, and probably less than that. Thus, unless you are very strapped for time and can extract a lot more than $30 of value per hour out of an extra freed-up hour, then this isnt a cost-effective move. It essentially adds up to paying $15 or a little more for an extra 20 minutes or half an hour of free time. Q5: Backlog of unused media What are your thoughts on people who have large unused media collections and keep buying more without using what they have? Why does that happen? Is there a fix? I noticed this myself with my collection of Kindle books recently. My son is home from college and he piped up and said that he actually has a lot of computer games unplayed as we often buy him Steam gift cards. He has a ton of computer games left unplayed yet he will often seek out new ones. I want to be less into getting new stuff and more into using what I have. Mike The reasons actually pretty simple: buying and acquiring and getting and collecting new items for your collection scratches a much different itch than actually enjoying the items in that collection. I have the same issue in some areas of my life (far fewer than I used to, thankfully). The feeling that acquisition and discovery gives you is much different and I think more addictive than the feeling that diving deep gives you. This is particularly true when you dont have as much time as youd like to dive deep, but thats not the sole cause of it. The only solution Ive found that works is to put moratoriums on new acquisitions. Give yourself a 30 day or a 90 day challenge to simply not buy any new Kindle books. Suggest the same for your son with his Steam games. If you have the urge, ignore it or, if you must take action, put that item on a wishlist. This does a great job of strongly curtailing that desire to acquire, but its a desire that can easily grow if youre not being conscious about it. I find that doing these kinds of moratoriums regularly does a pretty good job of slowing down my collecting nature. As for actually using those backlogs, the best thing Ive ever done is to consciously block off time in my schedule for that kind of exploration. I block off an hour a day for reading, and that has caused my book backlog to evaporate. I block off time on many weekends to play board games and that means the games in my collection are getting much more play. Q6: 403(b) risky? I work at [a public university]. One of my coworkers claims that people shouldnt put money into a 403(b) because politicians will eventually target that money for extra taxation or reclamation because it is public funds. He thinks that because we are government employees our 403(b) money will eventually get reclaimed by the government so saving in a 403(b) is a waste. Is this even possible? Ana Well, anythings possible, I suppose. However, if youre running your life in response to what you think its possible that the government might do, youre walking by a ton of opportunity. I mean, I think its possible that the government might outlaw certain classes of opioids. Does that mean I should start hoarding them, just in case, even though theyre very likely to just sit in my cupboard and go bad? Of course not, and I consider new opioid restrictions to be far more likely than any changes to 403(b) taxation. Let me put it to you this way: if the United States government starts retroactively taxing the retirement savings of a large class of citizenry in a way that invalidates the entire reason for putting money in there in the first place, we will already be in an extremely ugly situation that will get much uglier. 401(k) and 403(b) plans are already big wins for the federal government because its a way to pump tons and tons of money into investments and thus helping the economy in exchange for merely delaying taxes for a while. The government makes far more money leaving 401(k) and 403(b) plans just as they are than if they were to tinker with them in a way that would drive people away from them. It is possible that the government would do something like that, but if theyre doing things like that, then we have much bigger fish to fry, like a rapidly devaluing dollar. In fact, most financial conspiracy theories that people use to justify weird financial choices are ones that, if they came to fruition, would be completely overshadowed by a collapsing economy and a hyperinflated dollar. In my opinion, a 403(b) is about as safe as you can get, and the risks you are taking by having one are overshadowed by the risk of having your money in the form of American dollars, and I dont consider that much of a risk either. The only realistic change I can see to a 403(b) is that they might change how the program works in the future, and that would probably involve sunsetting the current 403(b) program and letting the current accounts continue to exist without further contributions while introducing some form of replacement account. They absolutely would not want to risk any mass withdrawals from 403(b) plans if they abruptly taxed them, Wall Street would lay an egg and the value of the dollar would plummet. The government will bend over backwards to avoid that, not encourage it. Q7: Cheap or expensive bag? I need a messenger bag or backpack for work. I have been looking at the options and it seems like you can either get a cheap one for like $20 that will last for a year maybe before the straps start breaking or you can get one for like $200 that will last for several years maybe five or ten, maybe twenty. Cheap bag does the job now for only $20 but I will be replacing it before long if I use it every day. Expensive bag will do it practically for life but its really expensive right now and I have a hard time justifying spending $200 on a bag. I know you lean toward buying things for life and I can see that the long term cost might be lower with the expensive bag, but I cant justify $200 on a bag right now. Duane To me, the deciding factor in these situations is the cost of failure. What exactly happens when a bag fails on you? In my own experience, thats usually the moment when its time to get a new bag the old one failed in some way. A strap breaks or the bottom rips out or something like that. Whats the consequences of that kind of failure? What happens if youre actively using your bag and suddenly a strap breaks on your or the bottom rips out? If the consequences arent too disastrous, thats a mark toward a cheaper bag. If the consequences are dire, thats a mark toward a more expensive bag. Personally, one of the things I strongly consider when buying an item is the consequence of failure. If it causes a potentially major career or life hardship or an enormous mess, Im going to get the reliable version. If its something small, like an overcooked or undercooked meal, the cheaper version seems much more acceptable to me. For me, this was what drew me to getting a buy it for life kind of bag for daily use. Q8: Thoughts on Aldi Aldi just opened up in my community. We shopped there and thought it was okay and that the prices were great but there were weird little annoyances with layout and selection and the carts. Then I saw on CNN about how Aldi is expanding fast. What are your thoughts on Aldi? Good place to shop? Alice Im guessing that this is the CNN story that Alice is referring to. That article describes it well: they strip down the shopping experience as much as possible to make the prices low. What Ive found is that it means that their selection is kind of limited and some of their items arent particularly healthy, but their prices on what they do have are amazing. There are two different Aldi stores within about fifteen minutes of my house. Aldi is probably the cheapest grocer available to me, though Fareway isnt too far behind them and has a somewhat better selection. I basically find that the cheaper a grocery stores prices are, the weaker the selection is and the more bare-bones the shopping experience is. I generally dont mind the bare-bones shopping experience, but I do find that it restricts what I can cook if I only use Aldi (or, to a much lesser extent, Fareway). I find that if I shop at Aldi, I usually have to make a second stop for some items; occasionally, I have to do the same with Fareway, but not too often. Other grocers, like Hy-Vee, will have everything I need, but the prices are higher. Thus, it comes down to a convenience thing and a meal planning thing. If I plan very simple meals, I can get everything I need at Aldi, but our meals arent very varied. Theyre certainly cheap, but not varied. If I add more variety, I either need to make multiple stops when grocery shopping, adding significant time to my shopping trip, or shop at Fareway or even Hy-Vee. Honestly, I still mostly shop at Fareway. The prices are very good and they generally have almost everything I need. Aldi is lower on the items that overlap with Fareway, but I usually dont have to make a second stop if I shop at Fareway, its closer to my home, and the prices arent really that different for a typical weeks grocery list. Aldi is great if your list is entirely common food staples, and I do shop there sometimes. Q9: Is renters insurance necessary? Is it always necessary to get renters insurance? Just moved out from parents and my apartment has a bunch of Goodwill stuff and family hand me downs. If its gone I dont lose much. Matt First of all, its very possible that your landlord requires you to have some sort of renters insurance policy. Youll need to look carefully at your lease; if you dont have it, you might be in violation of your lease. Many leases require the renter to have a $100,000 (or more) liability policy. Honestly, the big reason that many first time renters need renters insurance is for the liability coverage. If you accidentally burn down the building and its clear youre at fault, the landlords insurance may cover some of it, but you also have a legal liability too. If you dont have insurance, that can be a huge problem. Renters insurance is pretty cheap, though. You can get a policy that includes $30,000 in property coverage (covering your stuff in event of theft or disaster) and $100,000 in liability for around $15 a month. I think its a good idea, even for people without much stuff, to get this kind of insurance if theyre renting, just because the cost is so low compared to the downside. Q10: Appliance repair or replace? Our washing machine has broken down twice in the last six months. A family friend has fixed it both times but he says that to really fix the problem will cost about $200 in parts and that we should get someone else to fix it as hes more of a handyman. Time to replace? Noelle Absolutely. I dont even hesitate to say yes to this. When a repair bill is going to be a large portion of the cost of replacing an older item, its time to replace the item, as there are likely other points of failure coming in the future. There are exceptions to this, of course. If you are familiar with repairing the item yourself or have an interest in figuring it out, then you should by all means give it a shot. If you can find the parts for cheap and want to tackle the repair on your own, maybe with the help of that friend, then its probably worth it. My guess is, given the price, that electronic components are involved, but the actual procedure shouldnt be too difficult. However, thats not something that necessarily appeals to everyone or works with everyones life. In that situation, I think a replacement is very justified. The nice part is that your current washer should last long enough to allow you to shop around. Q11: Saying no to parent Im 31 years old and single. My father passed away about six years ago. My mom didnt handle it well and has become an alcoholic and possibly a drug user. She comes to me and my brother regularly to borrow money. She does manage to keep her job at a grocery store that shes had since I was a kid but I have heard that the manager keeps her on out of loyalty and she shows up to work drunk sometimes. She was so wonderful raising me and to see her like this tears me apart but I dont know how to say no when she asks. She asks frequently enough that it does put some financial strain on my situation, though I am still making progress on my student loans. Do you have any advice for me? Megan If I were you, the absolute first step I would take is to find an Al-Anon group for you. The purpose of Al-Anon is to support people in your exact situation, those that have loved ones with alcohol abuse issues. It sounds like your mother is a good person who was broken in some way by the death of your father and she doesnt know what to do so she uses alcohol to self-medicate, and that is causing difficulties in your own life. Al-Anon can help you deal with things on your own end and perhaps help you figure out how to help your mother. There will probably come a point where you will have to tell her no, but I cant really offer specific advice on that because I dont know the specific situation. I can simply recommend Al-Anon as a great next step. Q12: Getting value from self-improvement books A lot of times when I read a book about personal finance or getting organized, the ideas make a lot of sense but then I close the cover and none of it seems to matter or take hold in my life and before long Ive forgotten everything other than a few main points. Do you have any tips for making personal finance books or organizing books more sticky in my head? Mary There are two key elements that I think make the difference for me. The first is that I take a lot of notes as Im reading it. If its on the Kindle or a copy I dont mind abusing, Ill do a ton of highlighting as I go. If its a library book, Ill put in bookmarks as I go. Then, when Im done, I wait a few days, then go back through the highlights and take actual handwritten notes on the book. This impresses the ideas into my mind. The other part is that, from those notes, if I have positive thoughts about the book at all, I try to put some of those notes into practice immediately. I usually do a thirty day challenge with some of the suggestions in the book, meaning I try to apply them as well as I can for thirty days in my life. If it seems like the trial run will actually be a net positive change, Ill keep going with it, doing a ninety day challenge with perhaps some revisions. The goal here is to try to set those changes as a habit in my life. Rolling back a bit, I find that Im more successful with this kind of change if Im already strongly interested in the type of change that the book is targeting before I ever start reading it. If its not a change thats compelling to you, its probably not worth your time to read a book on any self-improvement topic. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-child-rearing-costs-laundry-services-unused-media-aldi-and-more/

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Questions About Child Rearing Costs, Laundry Services, Unused Media, Aldi, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. $250K to raise a kid? 2. Long term care? 3. $20 bill budgeting 4. Expense of laundry service 5. Backlog of unused media 6. 403(b) risky? 7. Cheap or expensive bag? 8. Thoughts on Aldi 9. Is renters insurance necessary? 10. Appliance repair or replace? 11. Saying no to parent 12. Getting value from self-improvement books Spring usually begins with a mix of rainy days and dry days, warm days and cold days. Sometimes, its a warm, dry day and all I want to do is go outside. Other days are wet and cold and I want to stay in out of the rain. The hardest part are the beautiful days when I need to stay inside and work. I want to go outside on a long, long walk through the countryside and through the woods, looking for mushrooms and enjoying the fresh air. Spring is wonderful. On with the questions. Q1: $250K to raise a kid? My husband and I are in our early thirties and were starting to think about having a couple of children in the next few years. We started to look into the costs and the most common figure we found was $250K to raise a child. That cant even be right as there are families that raise kid that barely bring in that in total in 18 years. What is the actual cost of raising a child in your experience? Marion When you see numbers like $250K, youre seeing the total long term cost over a period of at least twenty years, and that often includes paying for college and other such large expenses. Its also an average and includes families who are paying for things like private school. My experience has been that the cost of raising a child is often connected directly to the financial means of the parent. You can raise a child perfectly well on a low income my parents were never, ever very well off when I was growing up and they raised three children. My father worked in a factory (when he wasnt laid off) and had side gigs (most notably commercial fishing) for a living and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. There wasnt a ton of money there. We are most certainly spending more per child on our children than my parents did on me, but the truth is that a lot of the extra expense is on optional things like a band instrument or sports fees or an extra ticket to an event that were going to as a family. We could not spend those things and our child would be perfectly fine. In other words, those $250K estimates are numbers that summarize what parents are choosing to spend on children, not what they have to spend. Outside of some basic things like food, shelter, clothing, public education, and medical care, most expenses related to raising a child are very optional, and many of those required expenses can be incredibly low out of pocket. Q2: Long term care? Read this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/10/health/assisted-living-costs-elderly.html What are ordinary people supposed to do when they need long term care? The wealthy can pay for insurance or higher care, but thats not an option for a poor person or even a middle class person. If me or my wife needed long term care I dont know what wed do. Alex This is one of many issues that have radically changed in society during the 20th century and that we havent really figured out how to handle as a society. At the start of the 20th century, people who needed this kind of care usually didnt have the medical care necessary to continue to live. They perished. Thus, it was fairly uncommon for someone to need this kind of care for an extended period of time, and when it did occur, there were typically large families and even whole communities who stepped up to provide that care. Today, much of that has changed. In many situations, medical advancements enable people to live through things that they would not have survived 100 years ago. This means that more people who are in a long term care situation are surviving when they previously would not have done so. At the same time, nuclear families are smaller and communities are less tight-knit, for various reasons. The truth is that as a society, we have not figured out how to handle this yet. We havent figured out how to handle a lot of the advancements of the 20th century yet as a society. One only needs to look at the cruelty of many internet forums as further evidence of this. The problem, of course, is that there is no ready-made solution. Long term care insurance is definitely one step many people can take to gain peace of mind about future situations, but its expensive for many. The honest truth is that many families, when faced with long term care situations, just have to deal with it moment by moment to the best of their ability. Some families struggle to provide that care at home, particularly when theres a larger pool of family members that can help, while others go into debt. Many families rely on some form of government assistance to make it work. If you can easily afford it, long term care insurance is a great idea. If not well, society doesnt have a robust solution for you. The solutions vary widely from situation to situation. Q3: $20 bill budgeting Was reading an internet forum that reminded me of how I used to budget in college. Back then, I used to have an envelope with $10 bills in it. Each month, Id put $300 in $10s in there and each day I would take one out. Aside from rent, I had to live on that $10 each day. It paid for the bus and for food. Strategy I saw used $20 bills today which would be roughly the same. Mary Lets spell out this system a little bit. Aside from scheduled bills like rent, electricity, and so on, a person would aim to live on $20 a day in cash. Each month, a person would withdraw $600 cash from savings in the form of 30 $20 bills and put them in an envelope somewhere secure. Each day, that person would take a $20 bill out of the envelope and put it in their pocket. They would have to live off of that $20 bill and change from the previous months. This gives you room to splurge if you want to, but to do so would involve eating beans and rice for a while. In other words, lean days would directly help with expensive days. It would also be needed to help you make up front purchases like a bus pass, which would ease daily expenses a little going forward. I mentioned this idea to a friend and she said that she would probably try to have days where she could get by without pulling a $20 out of the envelope and then at the end of the month thered be some $20s left over, which shed use for bigger goals or big expenses or emergencies. That seems like a strong idea to me. I think this system would work very well for anyone who is trying to make ends meet on a very tight budget. Q4: Expense of laundry service There is a service in our town that just started that will take your laundry off of your front step and bring it back within 24 hours washed, dried, and folded. The cost is $2 per pound of clothes (rounded up to nearest pound), paid up front. I am trying to do the math on whether this makes sense or not for us. Amy A typical large load of laundry weighs somewhere between 7 and 10 pounds, but that really varies depending on how much you stuff in your washer with a typical load. I actually weighed a load of laundry that I just pulled out of our dryer on a kitchen scale and it weighed about 9.5 pounds. So, youre paying somewhere between $15 and $20 per load of laundry to be done for you. What is that saving you? The big savings is the time. You arent carrying your clothes to the washer and filling it up. Youre not moving clothes to the dryer. Youre not folding those clothes, either. Thats all done for you. In terms of cost, the cost of a load of laundry at home, including all materials, energy, and equipment depreciation, is around $1. So, in essence, youre paying someone between $14 and $19 to put a load of clothes into the washer, transferring them to the dryer when done, then folding them for you when the drying is done. Thats at most half an hour of effort, and probably less than that. Thus, unless you are very strapped for time and can extract a lot more than $30 of value per hour out of an extra freed-up hour, then this isnt a cost-effective move. It essentially adds up to paying $15 or a little more for an extra 20 minutes or half an hour of free time. Q5: Backlog of unused media What are your thoughts on people who have large unused media collections and keep buying more without using what they have? Why does that happen? Is there a fix? I noticed this myself with my collection of Kindle books recently. My son is home from college and he piped up and said that he actually has a lot of computer games unplayed as we often buy him Steam gift cards. He has a ton of computer games left unplayed yet he will often seek out new ones. I want to be less into getting new stuff and more into using what I have. Mike The reasons actually pretty simple: buying and acquiring and getting and collecting new items for your collection scratches a much different itch than actually enjoying the items in that collection. I have the same issue in some areas of my life (far fewer than I used to, thankfully). The feeling that acquisition and discovery gives you is much different and I think more addictive than the feeling that diving deep gives you. This is particularly true when you dont have as much time as youd like to dive deep, but thats not the sole cause of it. The only solution Ive found that works is to put moratoriums on new acquisitions. Give yourself a 30 day or a 90 day challenge to simply not buy any new Kindle books. Suggest the same for your son with his Steam games. If you have the urge, ignore it or, if you must take action, put that item on a wishlist. This does a great job of strongly curtailing that desire to acquire, but its a desire that can easily grow if youre not being conscious about it. I find that doing these kinds of moratoriums regularly does a pretty good job of slowing down my collecting nature. As for actually using those backlogs, the best thing Ive ever done is to consciously block off time in my schedule for that kind of exploration. I block off an hour a day for reading, and that has caused my book backlog to evaporate. I block off time on many weekends to play board games and that means the games in my collection are getting much more play. Q6: 403(b) risky? I work at [a public university]. One of my coworkers claims that people shouldnt put money into a 403(b) because politicians will eventually target that money for extra taxation or reclamation because it is public funds. He thinks that because we are government employees our 403(b) money will eventually get reclaimed by the government so saving in a 403(b) is a waste. Is this even possible? Ana Well, anythings possible, I suppose. However, if youre running your life in response to what you think its possible that the government might do, youre walking by a ton of opportunity. I mean, I think its possible that the government might outlaw certain classes of opioids. Does that mean I should start hoarding them, just in case, even though theyre very likely to just sit in my cupboard and go bad? Of course not, and I consider new opioid restrictions to be far more likely than any changes to 403(b) taxation. Let me put it to you this way: if the United States government starts retroactively taxing the retirement savings of a large class of citizenry in a way that invalidates the entire reason for putting money in there in the first place, we will already be in an extremely ugly situation that will get much uglier. 401(k) and 403(b) plans are already big wins for the federal government because its a way to pump tons and tons of money into investments and thus helping the economy in exchange for merely delaying taxes for a while. The government makes far more money leaving 401(k) and 403(b) plans just as they are than if they were to tinker with them in a way that would drive people away from them. It is possible that the government would do something like that, but if theyre doing things like that, then we have much bigger fish to fry, like a rapidly devaluing dollar. In fact, most financial conspiracy theories that people use to justify weird financial choices are ones that, if they came to fruition, would be completely overshadowed by a collapsing economy and a hyperinflated dollar. In my opinion, a 403(b) is about as safe as you can get, and the risks you are taking by having one are overshadowed by the risk of having your money in the form of American dollars, and I dont consider that much of a risk either. The only realistic change I can see to a 403(b) is that they might change how the program works in the future, and that would probably involve sunsetting the current 403(b) program and letting the current accounts continue to exist without further contributions while introducing some form of replacement account. They absolutely would not want to risk any mass withdrawals from 403(b) plans if they abruptly taxed them, Wall Street would lay an egg and the value of the dollar would plummet. The government will bend over backwards to avoid that, not encourage it. Q7: Cheap or expensive bag? I need a messenger bag or backpack for work. I have been looking at the options and it seems like you can either get a cheap one for like $20 that will last for a year maybe before the straps start breaking or you can get one for like $200 that will last for several years maybe five or ten, maybe twenty. Cheap bag does the job now for only $20 but I will be replacing it before long if I use it every day. Expensive bag will do it practically for life but its really expensive right now and I have a hard time justifying spending $200 on a bag. I know you lean toward buying things for life and I can see that the long term cost might be lower with the expensive bag, but I cant justify $200 on a bag right now. Duane To me, the deciding factor in these situations is the cost of failure. What exactly happens when a bag fails on you? In my own experience, thats usually the moment when its time to get a new bag the old one failed in some way. A strap breaks or the bottom rips out or something like that. Whats the consequences of that kind of failure? What happens if youre actively using your bag and suddenly a strap breaks on your or the bottom rips out? If the consequences arent too disastrous, thats a mark toward a cheaper bag. If the consequences are dire, thats a mark toward a more expensive bag. Personally, one of the things I strongly consider when buying an item is the consequence of failure. If it causes a potentially major career or life hardship or an enormous mess, Im going to get the reliable version. If its something small, like an overcooked or undercooked meal, the cheaper version seems much more acceptable to me. For me, this was what drew me to getting a buy it for life kind of bag for daily use. Q8: Thoughts on Aldi Aldi just opened up in my community. We shopped there and thought it was okay and that the prices were great but there were weird little annoyances with layout and selection and the carts. Then I saw on CNN about how Aldi is expanding fast. What are your thoughts on Aldi? Good place to shop? Alice Im guessing that this is the CNN story that Alice is referring to. That article describes it well: they strip down the shopping experience as much as possible to make the prices low. What Ive found is that it means that their selection is kind of limited and some of their items arent particularly healthy, but their prices on what they do have are amazing. There are two different Aldi stores within about fifteen minutes of my house. Aldi is probably the cheapest grocer available to me, though Fareway isnt too far behind them and has a somewhat better selection. I basically find that the cheaper a grocery stores prices are, the weaker the selection is and the more bare-bones the shopping experience is. I generally dont mind the bare-bones shopping experience, but I do find that it restricts what I can cook if I only use Aldi (or, to a much lesser extent, Fareway). I find that if I shop at Aldi, I usually have to make a second stop for some items; occasionally, I have to do the same with Fareway, but not too often. Other grocers, like Hy-Vee, will have everything I need, but the prices are higher. Thus, it comes down to a convenience thing and a meal planning thing. If I plan very simple meals, I can get everything I need at Aldi, but our meals arent very varied. Theyre certainly cheap, but not varied. If I add more variety, I either need to make multiple stops when grocery shopping, adding significant time to my shopping trip, or shop at Fareway or even Hy-Vee. Honestly, I still mostly shop at Fareway. The prices are very good and they generally have almost everything I need. Aldi is lower on the items that overlap with Fareway, but I usually dont have to make a second stop if I shop at Fareway, its closer to my home, and the prices arent really that different for a typical weeks grocery list. Aldi is great if your list is entirely common food staples, and I do shop there sometimes. Q9: Is renters insurance necessary? Is it always necessary to get renters insurance? Just moved out from parents and my apartment has a bunch of Goodwill stuff and family hand me downs. If its gone I dont lose much. Matt First of all, its very possible that your landlord requires you to have some sort of renters insurance policy. Youll need to look carefully at your lease; if you dont have it, you might be in violation of your lease. Many leases require the renter to have a $100,000 (or more) liability policy. Honestly, the big reason that many first time renters need renters insurance is for the liability coverage. If you accidentally burn down the building and its clear youre at fault, the landlords insurance may cover some of it, but you also have a legal liability too. If you dont have insurance, that can be a huge problem. Renters insurance is pretty cheap, though. You can get a policy that includes $30,000 in property coverage (covering your stuff in event of theft or disaster) and $100,000 in liability for around $15 a month. I think its a good idea, even for people without much stuff, to get this kind of insurance if theyre renting, just because the cost is so low compared to the downside. Q10: Appliance repair or replace? Our washing machine has broken down twice in the last six months. A family friend has fixed it both times but he says that to really fix the problem will cost about $200 in parts and that we should get someone else to fix it as hes more of a handyman. Time to replace? Noelle Absolutely. I dont even hesitate to say yes to this. When a repair bill is going to be a large portion of the cost of replacing an older item, its time to replace the item, as there are likely other points of failure coming in the future. There are exceptions to this, of course. If you are familiar with repairing the item yourself or have an interest in figuring it out, then you should by all means give it a shot. If you can find the parts for cheap and want to tackle the repair on your own, maybe with the help of that friend, then its probably worth it. My guess is, given the price, that electronic components are involved, but the actual procedure shouldnt be too difficult. However, thats not something that necessarily appeals to everyone or works with everyones life. In that situation, I think a replacement is very justified. The nice part is that your current washer should last long enough to allow you to shop around. Q11: Saying no to parent Im 31 years old and single. My father passed away about six years ago. My mom didnt handle it well and has become an alcoholic and possibly a drug user. She comes to me and my brother regularly to borrow money. She does manage to keep her job at a grocery store that shes had since I was a kid but I have heard that the manager keeps her on out of loyalty and she shows up to work drunk sometimes. She was so wonderful raising me and to see her like this tears me apart but I dont know how to say no when she asks. She asks frequently enough that it does put some financial strain on my situation, though I am still making progress on my student loans. Do you have any advice for me? Megan If I were you, the absolute first step I would take is to find an Al-Anon group for you. The purpose of Al-Anon is to support people in your exact situation, those that have loved ones with alcohol abuse issues. It sounds like your mother is a good person who was broken in some way by the death of your father and she doesnt know what to do so she uses alcohol to self-medicate, and that is causing difficulties in your own life. Al-Anon can help you deal with things on your own end and perhaps help you figure out how to help your mother. There will probably come a point where you will have to tell her no, but I cant really offer specific advice on that because I dont know the specific situation. I can simply recommend Al-Anon as a great next step. Q12: Getting value from self-improvement books A lot of times when I read a book about personal finance or getting organized, the ideas make a lot of sense but then I close the cover and none of it seems to matter or take hold in my life and before long Ive forgotten everything other than a few main points. Do you have any tips for making personal finance books or organizing books more sticky in my head? Mary There are two key elements that I think make the difference for me. The first is that I take a lot of notes as Im reading it. If its on the Kindle or a copy I dont mind abusing, Ill do a ton of highlighting as I go. If its a library book, Ill put in bookmarks as I go. Then, when Im done, I wait a few days, then go back through the highlights and take actual handwritten notes on the book. This impresses the ideas into my mind. The other part is that, from those notes, if I have positive thoughts about the book at all, I try to put some of those notes into practice immediately. I usually do a thirty day challenge with some of the suggestions in the book, meaning I try to apply them as well as I can for thirty days in my life. If it seems like the trial run will actually be a net positive change, Ill keep going with it, doing a ninety day challenge with perhaps some revisions. The goal here is to try to set those changes as a habit in my life. Rolling back a bit, I find that Im more successful with this kind of change if Im already strongly interested in the type of change that the book is targeting before I ever start reading it. If its not a change thats compelling to you, its probably not worth your time to read a book on any self-improvement topic. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-child-rearing-costs-laundry-services-unused-media-aldi-and-more/

[chocolate-brownies]

In the weeks leading up to the third annual Women’s March this weekend, I got to speak to ten of the leading women in the mindfulness movement and find out what’s on their minds.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the women leaders in the mindfulness space—there are many more amazing women leaders, and we’ll be profiling as many of them as we can over the next year. These ten women were chosen based on recommendations from their peers. They come from across the country and across the movement, they’re engaged in research, teaching, writing, and speaking about mindfulness both at home and around the world.

These women bring the diversity of their experiences in the world at large and in the mindfulness movement to bear in their work, and in these conversations. Despite their differences, many echoed similar themes: kindness is necessary, trust yourself, find your community, meet yourself with warmth. It feels like good advice for this weekend—and well beyond.

1) Keep listening and find your community

Mirabai Bush

Mirabai Bush has watched the mindfulness world change gradually over her almost-fifty years as a leader in the field. She’s a long-time activist, co-founder of the Center for Contemplative Mind and Society, a key contributor to Google’s Search Inside Yourself Program, author of many books including Compassion in Action, Working with Mindfulness, and more.

From her earliest days as a young meditation student in India, encountering monasteries full of men, and all-male meditation teachers, to her experience as a woman in business, asked by men who’d stop by her trade show booth if she could get them a coffee while they talked shop with her male business partner, to her experiences as a young mother, and now as a grandmother.

“Let us just say that many of the barriers to women leading a really fulfilled life and making the best contribution they can in all areas of life, they’re there for women teaching mindfulness, too. Patriarchy is really deeply embedded in our culture. Things are changing, but it sure was difficult in the beginning.”

“We can’t do it alone. We really need each other. Our lives are busy and full, yet we’re still struggling with the individualism that’s promoted through capitalism.”

Bush thinks back to those early days as a student of male teachers and notes, “we didn’t see any models of how you brought a female awareness into how you’d do these practices.” Such an awareness is crucial, of course, “in order to bring these teachings into everyday life.” For Bush, the change came when she had children. “For me that was my biggest growth—being pregnant and then being a young mother. There was nothing like it for keeping you in the moment, without judgment, in a loving way. And being a mindful grandmother is so cool, really knowing how to listen, and tuning in to those little open minds.”

There’s something to those intergenerational female relationships, Bush believes. We have to look for ways to be women in community. “We can’t do it alone. We really need each other. Our lives are busy and full, yet we’re still struggling with the individualism that’s promoted through capitalism. There aren’t as many structures for us to even find community.” Bush adds, sometimes all it takes to make a profound change in your sense of community is one good friend “with whom you can talk about what you’re learning and what you’re struggling with.”  

2) Love your imperfect self

Kristin Neff

Kristin Neff has been thinking a lot about traditional gender roles, and how they can block self-compassion. Neff is a professor of human development and culture at the University of Texas and the world’s foremost research expert on self-compassion. Men think self-compassion is about being soft and nurturing, and that it’s something that will “undermine your strength,” says Neff. “For women, we have a little less self-compassion than men do.” Women think self-compassion is about being selfish. “Women are always supposed to focus on others, be kind to others, take care of others, and it just feels selfish to do it for ourselves.”

So these days, Neff is thinking more in terms of balance. “In some ways masculine and feminine don’t really mean that much, they’re constructs. But there’s something they point to—the nurturing, the tenderness, the openness.” That’s the feminine side. “The protection, mama bear energy, fierce compassion.” That’s the masculine side. “Everyone needs both,” says Neff.

“Women are not really allowed to be fierce, we’re not allowed to be so active, and men are not allowed to be tender and warm with themselves. So the next phase of my work will be about how to help people integrate.”

The next phase of Neff’s work is focussed on integration. “Women are not really allowed to be fierce, we’re not allowed to be so active, and men are not allowed to be tender and warm with themselves. So the next phase of my work will be about how to help people integrate.” It feels to her like urgent work these days.

Part of the challenge is shifting the capitalist narrative of “perfection” that keeps people from loving their imperfect selves. “Self-compassion is such a perfect alternative to self-esteem. You don’t have to feel special, you don’t have to feel better than other people, you don’t have to get it right, you just have to be a flawed human being like everyone else. It’s just a more stable source of self-worth and a more stable way of coping with difficulty.”

3) Unbrainwash yourself

Helen Weng

For Helen Weng, her work as a neuroscientist, her lived experience as the child of Taiwanese immigrants, and her mindfulness practice are inseparable. Weng has spent the last 7 years investigating the neurobiological mechanisms of mindfulness meditation. What she’s observed as a racialized person in mindfulness circles has made her want to do things differently—and help to change the conversation for other minorities who meditate.

Weng learned how to use her own mindfulness practice to navigate the dynamics she observed in academia. “Every time I have to assert my own voice, the white people around me are very surprised, there’s a lot of resistance, or they make assumptions that my work is owed to them. I had to learn how to keep my presence of mind when someone is arguing with me in front of a big group just to establish social dominance.” Weng also made it part of her practice to be more vocal more often, so that others who were racialized wouldn’t feel so isolated. “It’s easy to internalize for minorities that there’s something wrong with them. I thought I couldn’t trust my own voice because people were always arguing against me.”

And Weng acknowledges her own privilege and its accompanying fragility, in her work as a clinical psychologist with transgender clients. “Gender norms are so deeply socialized,” she says, I had to do my own personal work around some issues, and used compassion and mindfulness to help me. It was uncomfortable. Realizing where you have privilege and breaking down your ego, it can feel uncomfortable and dysregulating. It’s not the job of minorities to help you navigate your fragility. Often the minority person will say things to help the majority person feel better, to ease their fragility. That dynamic is even more harming.”

Weng’s personal mindfulness practice allowed her to approach the issue of fragility in a couple of ways. One, she names and describes fragility, for those who may be unsure about the term. “When I feel my own fragility getting activated I feel like I’m going to throw up, and like I’m falling down. When you connect it to what it feels like, people get it and recognize it for themselves.”  She says when people don’t recognize that what they’re feeling is their fragility, their impulse is to reset the power dynamic. “I’m the one in charge, is what the ego is saying—usually not consciously—I’m uncomfortable because I’m supposed to be in charge, so I’m going to reset the power dynamic.”

“Trust your body and psyche more and more and that’s how you’ll gain your power. It’s a process of un-brainwashing yourself.”

Weng’s other approach is to bring minority and marginalized communities into her research projects. She says not only are scientists largely homogenously white men, so are their study participants. Weng approached the East Bay Meditation Center in Oakland, CA, which offers mindfulness practices to people of color, queer people, people with disabilities and more. They collaborated on designing studies that are culturally sensitive to people from different groups. “Once you make procedures more sensitive for diverse people it actually makes it more sensitive for everyone,” Weng says. “So I’ll use these procedures as my baseline now.”

Weng knows her diversity initiatives are good not only for the communities they serve, but also for herself. “If you actually embrace the fragility and discomfort, it enriches everything. My work is enriched, and I’m enriched as a person. There’s so much more spaciousness and openness and connection at the end.”

Finally, Weng says, she’s learned to make mindfulness practices her own. “It’s trial and error to find what works for you, but listen deeply to your body to see what gives you more vitality and makes you more connected to yourself and others, and feel free to adapt or change anything. I love music, so I listen to music while I’m more present with myself. Some would tell me that’s not meditation, but they’re wrong. Trust your body and psyche more and more and that’s how you’ll gain your power. It’s a process of un-brainwashing yourself.”

4) To be alive as a human being is to have inherited much 

Rhonda Magee

For Rhonda Magee, practicing law and practicing mindfulness go hand in hand. “Lawyers have to struggle with ethical questions of right and wrong,” she notes. “Lawyers are called in when there are high stakes—somebody is threatened with loss of freedom or the right to be in this country, custody over children. Lawyers are called in when those who call are suffering.”

“If we can engage mindfulness, we can manage stress and support ourselves in the practical aspects of what we’re trying to do while also deepening our capacity to serve in ways that minimize the harm we do along the way.”

For Magee, that understanding of harm includes her own experience “as a woman of color in a society and a world that wasn’t necessarily created for a person like me to thrive.” She talks about the surplus suffering “that comes with the way our different identities and our embodiments in the world are met with preconceptions and stereotypes,” and the opportunity she has to meet that suffering with mindfulness.

“Through my life, I’ve had the opportunity to become more aware of the subtle ways identity may be showing up—what is the rightful place of a woman, or a black person in a group?—by seeing how we’re all caught up in making meaning and perceiving each other through lenses shaped by a culture that has made all these identities relevant to us.”

“There are particular ways that we know something about suffering, that has an extra dimension tied to the way we’re met in the world as women.”

Mindfulness is the balm for what Magee calls “that extra layer of suffering, wounding and harm that we may be experiencing or causing others.” And she feels fortunate to have the opportunity to support others in exploring that. “Bringing mindfulness to our social identities and the challenges we face simply because of the way we’re packaged has been healing for me. Bringing mindfulness to bear on these aspects of our experiences in the world is a very rich path, a door into mindfulness as robust and rich as any other doorway.”

It’s a door Magee believes more women should walk through. “There are particular ways that we know something about suffering, that has an extra dimension tied to the way we’re met in the world as women. Knowing the great richness that comes with vulnerability and living compassionately, understanding empathy and the joy that can come from connection, means that we have a lot to offer the mindfulness movement.”

Magee speaks from the experience of a 51-year-old cis-gendered racialized black woman in America—and that informs what she is able to offer.  “I really just believe that if we’re willing to look at our own experiences carefully, we have unlimited capacity to help transform the world. So we should be encouraged to be our beautiful unique selves and know that our voices are incredibly needed in the world at this time.”

5) Trust your own experience 

Willoughby Britton

Willoughby Britton sees a lot of parallels between the world of mindfulness and the women’s movement. As a clinical psychologist and research scientist at Brown University Medical School, Britton has been studying the effects of mindfulness on mood and anxiety and is one of the few researchers looking into the potential negative psychological effects of meditation.

Her first inkling that her personal experiences might be marginalized by the larger mindfulness community came when her own meditation efforts, and those of many she knew,  “did not conform to the dominant narrative of stability, clarity and calm. We all figured we just needed to try harder,” she says. “When I was working at in patient hospital during my residency, there were two meditators who became psychotic while on a retreat.  Thinking that two in one year was a lot, I asked some meditation teachers if they had ever seen such meditation-related difficulties before and most reluctantly admitted that they had.”

Enter the first parallel. “What I discovered through the “Varieties of Contemplative Experience” research study, was that the mindfulness movement has a lot of parallels with the women’s movement where the dominant narrative was not only omitting but also—through repetition—actively silencing other, less desirable narratives.”

The mindfulness movement has a lot of parallels with the women’s movement where the dominant narrative was not only omitting but also—through repetition—actively silencing other, less desirable narratives.”

Throughout her career, as a neuroscientist, and in meditation, Britton has observed the power dynamics that influence systems, organizations, and society. “Part of my practice and research is to watch how these dynamics play out in the mindfulness world. The examples are numerous: the tendency to dismiss my own experience and yield to authority figures; the tendency to speak or act in ways that will be socially rewarded, such as reporting only the positive meditation effects or narratives, while omitting the negative ones. I can see in myself how easy it is to perpetuate unhealthy power dynamics and how vigilant and committed I have to be to counteract those default tendencies.”

That commitment, Britton believes, is what will bring progress. “Women and other marginalized groups have learned that positive change depends on giving voice to previously silenced narratives, so that a fuller, more accurate picture of reality, history—or meditation practice—can have an equal seat at the table.” So Britton prioritizes representing and documenting marginalized voices and alternative narratives in her research.

At the same time, Britton’s keenly aware of the dangers of confirmation bias. “My mindfulness practice has taught me how easy it is to deceive myself and to reinforce what I already think, so I have to keep asking: What am I missing? What are my potential blind spots? Who could help point out what I am overlooking?”

Still, she returns to a simple—though not necessarily easy—ethos: “Trust your own experience, speak your truth, find allies.”

6) #whogets2bewell

Angela Rose Black

For Angela Rose Black, PhD, founder and CEO of Mindfulness for the People, mindfulness presented itself as a matter of life and death. As a child in Indianapolis, she spent time at Flanner House, a multipurpose center that offered services to kids, seniors, and more. There, Black met Frances Malone, who was the director of Flanner House’s child development center.

“Among many things, she prioritized reminding us to pay attention to our surroundings; to walk and sit with dignity; to savor our food as we nourished our bodies. I don’t think she called it ‘mindfulness’ but rather emphasized ‘awareness’ as critical to our survival as Black children in a racist society,” Black says.

As Black moved through an academic career in which she studied health disparities, with research focused on black women’s health and stress, she herself suffered from stress and sought relief in meditation and mindfulness. There too, however, she found stressors. “My very existence in a given mindfulness space is oftentimes disruptive. Opening my mouth to ask ‘who gets to be well’ is resonant for some and triggering for others. The very breath we are invited to focus on is valued in some bodies while not in others.” For Black, navigating the mostly white world of mindfulness means that “on a daily basis I am building my capacity to be with my own suffering, the suffering of racial injustice in our own backyards, while disrupting these same injustices.” And that, she says, “is an emotional, physical, and energetic workout!”

“My very existence in a given mindfulness space is oftentimes disruptive. Opening my mouth to ask ‘who gets to be well’ is resonant for some and triggering for others. The very breath we are invited to focus on is valued in some bodies while not in others.”

Black was compelled to work for change—to truly disrupt the racial injustice she saw in the mindfulness world. “Honestly, my fatigue with people of color being under-considered and undervalued in all things mindfulness research, teaching, and practice—despite our deep historical roots of engaging in mindful practices—propelled me to unapologetically create Mindfulness for the People.”

Mindfulness for the People offers a variety of courses, including mind-body training for People of Color in search of compassionate ways to address Racial Battle Fatigue, and for White people to recognize and respond to White Fragility with compassion.

While the material Mindfulness for the People teaches may be challenging to some, Black’s parting words are simple. “To women of color reading this: I see you. To white women reading this: do you see us?”

7) Un-hijack your nervous system

Susan Kaiser Greenland

Susan Kaiser Greenland found her way to mindfulness through the panicked haze of a family health crisis. She became obsessed by the idea the food her family was eating was poisoning them, and as she was frantically pitching anything in their tiny New York City kitchen that contained sugar. Her husband intervened and suggested she learn to meditate. Will it solve the health crisis, she eagerly asked. “He said, ‘no, it’s for you. You’re driving me crazy.’”

A high-powered lawyer for a national television network, co-founder of the Inner Kids Foundation, author of multiple books on mindfulness, and a mother of two, Kaiser Greenland recognizes that mindfulness has been a lifeline for her. “I truly believe mindfulness-based self-regulation strategies are crucial at all ages, to give people the bandwidth to have open minds so they can learn and listen,” she says. She’s motivated by the change she’s seen mindfulness bring to people’s lives. “Once people recognize their nervous systems are getting overly burdened and they can dial that back, the worldview piece comes into place.”

“The situation we’re in now keeps me up at night. No one’s talking to each other, they’re talking past each other, hand-wringing and finger-pointing. Everyone’s nervous system is jacked up, everything they do jacks it up further.”

But, she believes, there’s still plenty of work to be done on the listening and learning front. “The situation we’re in now keeps me up at night. No one’s talking to each other, they’re talking past each other, hand-wringing and finger-pointing. Everyone’s nervous system is jacked up, everything they do jacks it up further.”

She recognizes that in her own past, even with the benefit of her mindfulness practice. “The generation of women who were coming up through the corporate world when I was there, in order to get where we were going, you had to take on a lot of male characteristics. I used to come home like the terminator,” she recalls. “I know mindfulness has helped me soften that edge and be more confident, but that was a price of trying to break through to certain jobs that just weren’t open to women at the time—you had to develop a male way to navigate.” Now, Kaiser Greenland knows “there’s a different way to navigate, kinder, more compassionate, more effective—and women have an easier time getting that than men.”

8) Be clear on what you want and find allies

Amishi Jha

Amishi Jha knew she needed help when her toddler looked up at her during storytime and asked what a “Womp” was. Jha had read this same book to her son dozens of times, and had been truly looking forward to spending this time with him. “What is he talking about?” she remembers thinking, realizing she didn’t have a clue—though she’d been reading about Womps for several pages, and had over successive nights. She was in her second year as an assistant professor, her husband was starting grad school, and she’d lost the feeling in her teeth from grinding them so ferociously. “I was at the point of quitting. I needed to do something that felt more manageable to me.”

To Jha’s surprise, meditation turned out to the answer. She’d been raised by Hindu parents who both meditated daily. But Jha was a scientist. “A rational person. I do things that are evidence-based,” she remembers thinking. She happened to hear Richard Davidson talk at the University of Pennsylvania. “He showed these brain images, one a brain induced into a negative mood, and one a brain induced into a positive mood. I asked him how do you get that negative brain to look positive, and he said mediation.” Jha was shocked, but she wanted that positive brain, so she bought Jack Kornfield’s Meditation for Beginners, and within a few weeks had noticed a difference in herself—and also found a new area of research for her neuroscience lab. “I got really interested in how we can offer these practices to other people who have extremely demanding high-stress jobs, medical and nursing professionals, active duty military personnel and spouses.”

“Hearing about meditation from a western-trained Indian scientist really got those women empowered to say ‘I can have this practice available to me day-to-day while managing my kids, my family, my profession.”

Jha’s work on the science of mindfulness took her to India to present her research at the Mind and Life Institute. While there, she was able to visit the town where she’d been born, where excited relatives quickly organized a public talk for her at a local studio. The room was full—mainly of young, professional women with families. But during the Q&A session, a man stood up and asked: “Why are you coming here, as a westerner, to tell us about these practices that we developed in this country? We’ve had meditation retreats in the mountains forever.” This was a question Jha had been dreading. But then a woman spoke up.

“One of the women in the room raised her hand and said ‘yes, but we’re working moms, and we want to know how to do this every day. We can’t go away to a hilltop meditation retreat!’” For Jha, it was a full-circle moment. “Hearing about meditation from a western-trained Indian scientist really got those women empowered to say ‘I can have this practice available to me day-to-day while managing my kids, my family, my profession.’”

For Jha, what empowers her is supporting—and being supported by—other women. “Be clear on what you want to achieve, and find allies,” she says. “That sense of being supported and acknowledged and valued is so important.”

9) Make America kind again

Shelly Tygielski

Shelly Tygielski has been working hard to bring more men—especially young men and boys—into the mindfulness movement, where most of her colleagues are women. “On the one hand that’s lovely, because it’s a safe space, and we have the ability to have this collective experience and to discuss things that are sometimes challenging or difficult to discuss when there are men in the room.” On the other hand, Tygielski, who launched America Meditates workshops in cities across the country, and also staged the first mass meditation at a sporting event, with Miami Heat Nation Meditation, knows that if real change is going to come, it’s going to happen when more of us are rowing in the same direction—and that has to include men and boys.

She thinks back to her twenty years in the corporate world, where she ended her career as president of a company with 2,400 employees. “I was usually the only woman in the room. and being mindful or being emotional is seen as a weakness, instead of a strength. So, for me, bringing the conversation into the boardrooms, into congress, into politics, around our dining room tables with the men in our lives, is crucial if we want to create this paradigm shift to make the world a kinder place.”

“Activism burnout is a real thing, compassion fatigue is a very real thing, secondary trauma is a very real thing, and I think that as women, in general, we’re raised to be really great caretakers, but we’re horrible self-caretakers.”

To that end, she’ll be taking her sixteen-year-old son and some of his friends with her to the Women’s March in Washington this weekend, and she hopes more men show up. “I want men to support women, not just by saying, ‘oh honey you should go,’ but actually by physically being there and being just as equally outraged by what’s happening and what’s going on in our political system today. Until all women are equal, with equal pay, equal access to rights, to healthcare, to speak up, no man is equal. There’s got to be that authenticity, and that authenticity means having to show up.”

And to the women who have been showing up, Tygielski has this to say: “Activism burnout is a real thing, compassion fatigue is a very real thing, secondary trauma is a very real thing, and I think that as women, in general, we’re raised to be really great caretakers, but we’re horrible self-caretakers.” Tygielski sees strength in numbers—and advocates a move from self-care to communities of care. And, she says, mindfulness is at the core of that. “Movements are about sustainability and about being able to create consistency in being able to show up. To really show up, not just show up to a meeting and your mind is somewhere else, but be able to show up fully, as the best version of yourself. Mindfulness has really helped me create that sustainability and center myself so that I could show up for the things I feel are larger than myself, and also make a much bigger impact.”

10) Believe yourself

Sharon Salzberg

For Sharon Salzberg, world-renowned meditation teacher, bestselling author of Real Happiness and nine other books, it all comes down to advice her teacher gave her in Calcutta, India, in 1974. “‘You really understand suffering, that’s why you should teach,” Dipa Ma told Salzberg, then a young adult with every intention of living in India forever, and remaining a life-long student. “I had a very tumultuous difficult childhood,” Salzberg says, “and that was the first time I ever thought about it as a potential credential for anything.”

Salzberg began as a reluctant teacher of mediation, and soon founded, along with Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein, the Insight Meditation Society. Back then, she remembers, the main concern was understanding emptiness. But during a sojourn to Burma (now Myanmar) in the mid-eighties she was introduced to loving-kindness practices. The practices resonated hard with Salzberg, and she brought what she had learned back to the US, eventually writing a book called Lovingkindness. It was not met with open-arms in the meditation world.

“People said loving-kindness wasn’t an insight technique. They said, ‘it’s just a feel-good practice.’ But I had had a very powerful transformative experience with loving-kindness practice, so I just kept on teaching it.”

“It was a rough go,” she says. “Mindfulness was gaining popularity, scholarly research was beginning.” But loving-kindness was ahead of its time. “People said loving-kindness wasn’t an insight technique. They said, ‘it’s just a feel-good practice.’ But I had had a very powerful transformative experience with loving-kindness practice, so I just kept on teaching it.”

She discovered that a practice some of her peers wrote off as “just” a feel-good practice actually resonated hard with others, as well. “It’s very gratifying now that the pendulum has swung the other way,” she says, “that people are realizing compassion is the thing that was missing from mindfulness.”

She credits the kind words of her teacher, all those years ago in India, for helping her maintain her loving-kindess practice when others viewed it as frivolous.  “Dipa Ma said to me: ‘You can do anything you want to do, it’s just you thinking you can’t do it that will stop you.’”

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