#also the way you wrote wes made me so inspired thats the main reason it got so long sdfksdf :(((( my heart is well fed tyty | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rreeaahh · 4 years ago

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Arms Tonite | draco malfoy

Arms Tonite - for @vogueweasley ‘s writing challenge (inspired by the song)

pairing: draco malfoy x fem!reader (ravenclaw)

words count: 10k - lyrics in italic

summary; your relationship with draco went from strangers, to lovers, to strangers again - but it broke the barrier between life and death.

warnings: the word “mudblood”; swearing; death eaters; voldemort; death of a character; some fluff; angst; kinda sad; slow burn; blood mention; (that’s all i could think of, please let me know if there are more!)

a/n: im so so so sorry if thats too long, my loves! i got carried away by this idea - i had it in my mind for so so long i used @vogueweasley 's writing challenge as motivation. again, congratulations mere! You're one of the first writers ive followed here, and I'm happy to see your blog growing❤️

“Can I sit there?” you asked softly, embracing the pile of books to your chest. They were all for your Potions’ essay, where you really wanted to excel, only to prove Professor Snape what you were capable of.

Since the first year, Snape turned out to be a walking nightmare for all the students in the entire castle, especially for the ones who hadn’t a green tie around their neck. Being a Ravenclaw, the desire to know more was a normal thing for you: always asking questions and making assumptions only to gain more information made Snape grow a feeling of hatred towards you. He’d externalize that hate by giving you extra work, asking you questions you had no idea to answer, criticizing your skills in front of the class – basically, everything he could do to embarrass yourself and to show your classmates that you weren’t as smart as you wanted to introduce yourself.

“What?” the boy asked in confusion, his fingers squeezing the silver quill he was using to take notes from a booked that seemed to be about Transfiguration – a subject where you were at the top of the class, as Professor McGonagall told you proudly.

“I asked if I could stay here,” you repeated in a quiet voice, not wanting to disturb the rest of the people who were struggling with their work. “All the tables are taken and that’s my spot, usually,” you added when he frowned his brows, scanning the room.

“Yeah, whatever,” he said careless, going back to his piece of parchment. “That’s my spot usually, too, but I haven’t seen you here,” he whispered as you sat down, in front of him.

“I don’t think we share classes, so I think we don’t go to the library at the same time. But maybe it could be our spot from now on.” Your explanation made the blonde boy look away, his cheeks running paler while the skin of his neck, revealed by the crack of his unbottoned shirt, seemed to burn.

The silence fell on you two, the room being filled only with whispers and quills running their ink on the papers. You really had to impress Snape with that essay, you had enough of his comments and ugly looks – he was a great teacher, a very skilled person, but he had a horrible way to be human – that if he could be considered a human being. Deep down you feared Snape – his cold eyes, his fluttering cloak and his loud steps: all of that gave you goosebumps all over your body. Thinking of those you felt your breath tangling up in your throat, and the letters started to dance in front of your eyes. At first, you looked around the room, searching for the Weasley twins, but it wasn’t a prank: it was the stress which took control over your mind, playing tricks and messing with you. Your throat was dry, and every time you tried to swallow your saliva it felt like you had sand in your mouth. Your tablemate seemed to notice your discomfort, because he looked at you under his eyelashes, his right brow raising in confusion or annoyance.

“What are you doing?” he asked, now looking at you without any reservation.

“Hm?” you buzzed, making eye contact with him. You couldn’t figure out if he was surprised by your daring glare, or intimidated or amused – he only kept on looking into your eyes, not revealing any true emotion.

“You keep on swallowing and it looks like you’re drowning or something.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” you smiled politely, which made him go back to his work. But when you kept on acting like you couldn’t breathe, he dropped his quill on the table and look like you with frustration. “What?”

“You’re distracting me, obviously,” he rolled his eyes. “Some of us are trying to focus, so keep quiet or leave.”

It was very rude of him – in your opinion – to talk to you, a complete stranger, like he could give you orders; especially when you did nothing wrong.

“Me too,” you sighed, “It’s only that…” But you stopped in the middle of the sentence, reminding that you didn’t know who you were talking to, and he probably didn’t care.

“Only what?” he asked, making you look at him again. His face was blank – relaxed, like he was an emotionless metal can.

“I’m not that good with Potions, so I’m struggling a little bit,” you smiled with shame, not knowing exactly why you felt that way admitting you weren’t good at something.

“We all are struggling,” he said like it wasn’t a big deal, pointing to his Transfiguration book. “Some of us on simple things, I see,” he commented after he took a sight at the books you chose and the big title you wrote on the parchment.

“Then maybe we could help each other,” you proposed, smiling at him in a friendly nature. He didn’t seem to understand your idea, given the frowned brows and half eyes that were starring at you. “I’m good at Transfiguration, the best if we’re to follow McGonagall’s words, so I could help you if you help me with my Potions essay.”

He took a moment to think, looking back and forward to your books and his, to your parchments and his – yours were filled with paragraphs and his were decorated with meaningless drawings. “I only need some notes, it’s not fair to do your whole essay in exchange of some stupid phrases,” he said like you were trying to fool him.

You chuckled and leaned back on your chair. “Yeah, nothing’s free,” you smiled, “Ok, then I’ll write your notes and you’ll write me the main ideas – after that I’ll write it on my own.” He stayed thoughtful and quiet, looking at your face; you tried hard not to run your fingers to your cheek, searching for dirt or anything that had him starring. “Deal?” you asked.

He held out his hand in your direction. “Deal,” was his only response, waiting for you to conclude the pact. And you did – you gently shook his hand, the skin of his palm feeling smooth against your own, like he was using lots of lotion every night before going to bed. But it was a nice feeling, which led a wave of warmth all over your body along with a good premonition about how he’d do your homework and him, in general.

The two of you switched your belongings, the only item that wasn’t switch being the quills – he was holding his like it was the biggest treasure he ever had; and maybe it was, you thought. Maybe it had an emotional story and he wanted to keep the quill only because of the memories it hold, but maybe he was only careful with what belonged to him. You never really had anyone to help you with your work – when you were a child your parents encouraged you to keep on trying by yourself in order to succeed, and you grew up avoiding other’s help, only to prove them that you could do it alone. After a while, in your third year of Hogwarts, you wanted to be helped, but it seemed like your older housemates were too busy and the ones your age were looking for you to help them. So, to be in the library on a Friday afternoon, helped by a boy you never crossed paths with before seemed like a new – and somehow exciting – experience. It was nice to write on the parchments which had their edges and corners filled with something that seemed to be flowers or some kind of plant with curled leaves. You often asked him questions about what you should or shouldn’t write, and depending on his answer you’d write down more explicit notes, as he kept on commenting how many useless things you’ve wrote in your essay by far – but he was funny, telling you that you should give Snape the essay the way it is so maybe you all could be lucky and get rid of the sulky teacher sooner than expected.

After some time, they boy looked at the silver watch on his left wrist and put down the quill. “My study time’s over,” he announced and you also put down the writing instrument, handing him the papers you tried to write as eligible as you could. “That’s all?” he asked and scoffed.

“Actually, I have more things to add, but…” You tried to say, but he already began to gather his things, closing the Transfiguration book and folding the parchments. “We could meet tomorrow, or Sunday,” you proposed and also got up when he did. You tried to make eye contact with him one more time, not paying that much attention to the height difference between you two.

“Again?” he spoke, fulfilling your wish. His eyes were mesmerizing – such a light blue, reminding you of a sunny sky.

“Yeah, I mean, if you want – it would be beneficial for both of us to finish what we started.”

And he thought that way too, because the next day he was already in the same spot of the library, all by himself, trying to decipher the entangled letter you wrote the other day. “Maybe Snape doesn’t like you because of your handwriting,” he said when you sat down, making you smile and chuckle – an action that caused him to have a little smile in the corner of his lips, too. And those smiles continued to grow on your faces, because besides the theoretical information you two changed, there were also a little funny comment slipped through the conversation.

“See you tomorrow?” you asked while gathering your things, because that time you were the one who needed to leave earlier.

“I can’t,” he simply said. “I have to study.”

“Isn’t that the reason we met here today?” you laughed, “To study together?”

“No, we met today to finish our deal – which is pretty much done,” he explained in a plain voice, pointing to the pages in your hand. The structure of the essay was done; you only needed to put it all together and his Transfiguration notes were enough for him to understand better the subject.

“Oh,” you said in a whisper. “Yeah, right, thank you…” you smiled to him, whishing that he’d realize that you two never introduced each other properly, but he only returned the smile in a polite way.

“You’re welcome,” was all he said and went back to his book, trying to put head to head the theory you made and the information from the book.

That Saturday you left the library with a strange feeling of loneliness – he was a stranger, but he helped you concentrate and also helped you with something that – maybe – was the most important opportunity for you to shut Snape’s mouth. That day flew by without you even realizing, but at night you found yourself thinking about the boy who tapped his fingers on the wooden surface anytime he’d search for the right words but couldn’t stand a strange breathing near him, and a pair of iced eyes was present in your dreams, doing nothing more than watching you with all the possible emotions mirroring in them.

“How was your weekend by far, Hermione?” you asked the girl only to break the strange silence between you two. She was looking for a specific book, and it happened to bump into her when you came to the library to continue your work.

It was a few hours after lunch, on a sunny Sunday when most of the students preferred to study or to simply hang out in the courtyards, lying on the grass. It wasn’t very weird that you had to deal with all those stares when you went to the library on such a beautiful day. You weren’t a bookworm or a nerd, but it was a special thing and you really wanted to have it all done by the end of Monday at least, so you wouldn’t be loaded with other things.

“It was… acceptable,” she responded and shrugged, going back to look for that book on the selves. “As acceptable as it could be a weekend spend in the company of Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley,” she continued and you laughed. She was the brain of that trio, and it might be stressful to be their friend – but you were pretty sure it wasn’t that horrible since she stayed by their side for so long. “What about you?” she returned the question, giving up on her searching as she couldn’t find the right book.

Hermione followed you to your usual table, situated in a corner of the room, where the rays of sun came through the wide window and lighted all the pages. You sat down, leaving aside the parchments for some moments of chatting with your friend. “It was… fun,” you smiled, “I was here two days in a row doing homework.”

Hermione laughed while flipping the pages gently. “And Ronald says I’m the one who needs to sort out her priorities.”

“No,�� you rolled your eyes, “It was fun because I had a study buddy. It was really nice,” the explanation made the girl leave her book and watch you with sudden interest. You knew Hermione wasn’t the type who gossip, so her attention was pure curiosity.

“Who?”

“I don’t really know,” you sighed, a little disappointment in your voice as you looked at your fingers, which were unconsciously tapping on the table. “We never made a proper introduction.”

The Gryffindor girl played with the zipper of her hoodie, looking like he was trying to remember all the persons who ever entered that room. “How was he looking?”

Handsome was the first word you wanted to say, as a joke, but a discarded book landed on your table, right on top of your papers and made you looks at the person whose shadow was covering your face.

“What is she doing at our spot?”

“Malfoy,” Hermione growled with hatred, “I don’t think your father bought the tables in the entire library, too,” she said and made the boy look at her with as much venom as a snake could carry.

So he was Malfoy – the mean boy Hermione would mention from time to time, the one who’d always have a harsh word to tell Ron and the one who despised The Chosen One so much. Your timetable never interfered with their, and you’d usually spend your weekends and breaks with some classmates you were friends with, so you never really crossed path with that Malfoy boy. You knew about him, but you didn’t know him – not until then.

“I wasn’t talking to you, Mudblood; learn to speak only when spoken to,” he said in a mockery tone, his eyes going back to you.

You looked at him, and then at Hermione, who seemed to search in you something you couldn’t actually find. “Well?” he repeated, but there was no response from you.

“What does he mean, Y/N? Your spot?” she asked, her voice cracking at the end.

“He’s… my study buddy,” you spoke and Malfoy raised his brow at the appellative, while Hermione froze.

“I’ll leave you with your study buddy, then,” she whispered to you and left, not before taking the book that was thrown on the table by the Slytherin boy.

Your hand was shaking when you grabbed the quill, going back to finish the essay that you started to properly write last night in your dormitory. “Yeah, take my scrap, you filthy Mudblood,” he commented and watched Hermione leave. He then sat down, in front of you, slightly pushing away from him the chair were your friend sat some seconds ago. “Don’t tell me she’s following you around like a little puppy,” he laughed and you looked at him in confusion.

“She’s my friend,” you simply said.

The confusion was now on Malfoy’s face. “Friend?” he scoffed.

“Don’t you have friends?”

“Plenty,” he responded quickly. “But my friends have my back when I’m in an argument.”

You shrugged and looked down again to your essay. “I’m a neutral person, I’m not picking sides,” you explained. He watched you write without any other interruption, but you were feeling weird to be aware of his presence in your perimeter and being as talkative as a fish. “What are you doing here?” you asked as you wrote your name at the bottom of the last paper. He quickly grabbed them all, smiling at your expression.

“I made some free time to come and read our final product.” He went back to be silent, his blue eyes running from left to right in order to read all the things you wrote more calligraphic, only thinking about his comment and about the nice letters he used to make the summary yesterday. “It’s good,” he said proudly, like it was his own.

“Really?” you asked shyly, not ready to have a criticism on that yet.

“Yes, I see you kept some of my phraseology,” he smiled in a kind way, returning the parchments to you.

“It was really well structured,” you laughed and ran a hand through your hair, blushing when you saw him starring intensely at your face – you really wanted to ask him if there was something on your face.

“It’s perfect, Y/N,” he repeated, “Snape can’t say otherwise. It’s nearly as good as mine are,” he assured you. His response made you laugh loudly, gaining some hissing from Madam Pince; your hands went to your mouth, covering it, and the boy looked at you with amusement.

“Thank you, Malfoy,” you whispered, scared to talk even in a quiet way. You knew how much the librarian hated the loud students, and you really didn’t want to be one of them. To be on her blacklist was something no one really wanted.

“Call me Draco,” he asked and got up. “I have to go, but I’m sure your work will be appreciated tomorrow.”

“It’s for Friday, actually.”

“So you had a week to do it, but you did it right away?” he laughed this time, but he seemed careless at Madam’s Pince hiss.

“What?” you pouted, already annoyed by his laugh. You knew what he was going to say, and it made you somehow ashamed.

“Nothing,” he said to your surprise, “It’s just that… I’ve never seen somebody to be that ambitious when it comes about school.”

“So you don’t make fun of me,” you thought out loud, making him chuckle again.

“Why would I make fun of you for being a determined person?” he asked and you returned his smile, more shyly, and waved him goodbye as you saw him walking away.

It was the last moment when you saw Draco Malfoy – Monday morning you looked for him in the Great Hall at breakfast, lunch, dinner and even after classes – but due to the large amount of students, he was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t put a foot in the library, because you stayed there awhile, doing your homework or reading – more like pretending to do any of those – but he never came. It was like he was swallowed by a big black hole and forgotten by all the people in Hogwarts. Nobody near you mentioned his name, and you didn’t dare to ask Hermione about him after the ‘study buddy’ situation. She said it was all fine between you two, because she knew about your neutral personality. It was simple: you never got into fights yourself or got involved when other people would argue – it was simple that way. You asked her if she was alright after Draco said all those things to her, of course, but when she told you it was alright you didn’t insisted more.

Friday came faster than you had thought and you were quite nervous to hand Snape your essay. All your classmates wished you good luck, even if they were in the exact same situation as you were – not quite the same, actually, because you were the only one asked to stay over class so the Potions Master could have a word with you.

“You wanted to talk to me, Professor?” you asked when the rest of the students left you all alone with Snape, who sat in the front of the class, hands crossed over his chest and a frowned look on his face.

“Obvious,” he spoke in his monotone voice, coming closer to your desk. “What is this, Miss L/N?” he asked, throwing in front of you the essay, all the pages spreading on the table.

“My essay, Sir,” you told him confident, already preparing your speech about how hard you worked on it and how he couldn’t say it was a piece of trash.

“Your essay?” he asked serious, and then he faked a laugh. “I think you mean Mister’s Malfoy essay,” he then handed you another parchment, with Draco’s name on it, neatly written.

You read a few phrases from his work, but there was nothing alike between them aside some expressions – the ones Draco observed you kept from his notes. “I didn’t steal his work, Sir,” you said in a quiet voice, not daring to look him in the eyes. You didn’t need to do that to know how mad he was.

“You didn’t steal it, you copied it.”

“No, I…” but he already made up his mind. He asked you to leave, informing you that you’d get more work to do, along with a week of detention.

Your blood was boiling and you only wanted to scream how much you hated everything: how much you hated Snape, for being a prick, how much you hated yourself, for not being able to do your own homework alone and how much you hated Draco, for ‘helping’ you and then disappearing – but he didn’t disappear, because he was in the end of the corridor, all by himself, his hands on his trousers’ pockets, standing in an elegant posture leaning on the wall. The dark always present on the Dungeons made him look paler that he seemed in the library’s sunrays, but the blue of his eyes was still remembering you of the clear sky in the moment he heard your steps.

“Y/N,” he greeted you from afar, a little smile growing on the corner of his lips. “How was…” but you didn’t give him the occasion to finish his sentence, leaving the dark corridor in a hurry.

It was odd that after a week of thinking only about him, about the blue of his eyes, about the way his voice would seem lighter when he was holding back his laugh, about the cute way he’d smile only a half of joy, you ran away from his presence like he was your worst nightmare when, in fact, he was present in your sweetest dreams.

It was your desire to be alone the one which made you isolate yourself in your room for some good hours, crying and hitting the pillows, throwing them in the walls and then gathering them, only to throw them again. You felt the way Snape’d describe your skills, work or everything you did: trash – you felt like trash. You thought about going to dinner with your housemates when you heard them leaving the Common Room, but you realized that Snape’s face, eating at the teachers’ table would’ve turned your stomach upside down. So you stayed there for another hour, thinking about everything and nothing in particular; you just knew that you were sick of it, sick of everything and you just needed a break.

And that’s what you did: you took a break. You left the dormitory only undressing yourself from the blue robes and went running on the empty corridors. When you left, you weren’t sure where you’d go – but you found yourself in the Astronomy Tower, watching the entire yard and the environs of the castle. The sky was painted in pastel colors, the sun bathing in the red color of the lake. It was beautiful and you wanted nothing than to be the same with all of it.

“I hate it all!” you screamed looking up to the sky, closing your eyes. “I hate Severus Snape!” you screamed again, opening your eyes and looking down. It was a long, long way to the bottom, where the cobbled paths would wait. “I hate that he managed to make me feel so useless,” now you whispered, tightening the metal balustrade between your palm until they became white. You shook the metal as hard as you could, but it stood still; the effort left you breathless, but you still managed to scream from the bottom of your lungs: “I hate myself!”

You had no idea where that came from – it was the first time you thought that way about you, but it felt very honest. You hated how much pressure you’ve put on your shoulders and now that you were too weak to carry it all, you felt worthless. The only thing you knew was that you were crying, so hard that your sobs didn’t let you hear the steps approaching you in such a hurry. The force of the hand that grabbed your elbow was unexpected, making you stumble on your own legs. The warm feeling immediately invaded your whole body as soon as you fell in a pair of arms, which were holding you hard enough not to fall to the ground.

“What the hell were you doing, Y/N?!” he screamed, the image of his face being blurred because of the tears in your eyes. You blinked a few times and there he was: Draco Malfoy, with a worried look on his face but with the same beautiful blue eyes.

“Draco…” you whispered and grabbed the material of his white shirt, “What are you doing here?” you managed to ask without your voice cracking.

“You didn’t come to dinner, and after the way you walk away from earlier…” he said and became paler, “But what were you doing? Don’t tell me you tried to…”

But you shook your head in negation faster than the words he said. “No, of course not,” you said trying to convince yourself more than him. “I was just… having a moment,” you explained and withdrew from his arms, hugging yourself to calm down.

“What happened, Y/N?” he asked again and touched your shoulders, his hands burning the skin under your uniform shirt.

“Snape said I copied your essay,” you succeed to whisper after a long silence, the tears coming back into your eyes.

His brows went lower, his mouth in a line. “Have you told him that I helped you?”

“No,” you said, now crying again. He wiped away a tear that rolled on your cheek. “He told me to leave before I could say anything, and now I have detention a whole week.”

“Sh, sh, sh,” he hummed as he pulled you back into his arms, one of his hands laying on your back as the other one was caressing your hair. “You don’t need to cry,” he spoke gently and his movements became clumsy as you cried even harder. “I’ll take care of it, Y/N,” he assured you and suddenly, your tears dried up.

“What?” you asked, looking into his eyes.

“I… I’ll talk to Snape about it,” he repeated, “It’s not fair to act that way towards you when your essay was so good.”

All the parts of your body were screaming to kiss him only because he was that near to you. But you were too puzzled up to even hear those screams in your head. “You’ll get in trouble too, Draco.”

“No,” he smiled. “Let’s say that Snape owns my father one,” he smiled devilish, and contrary his expectations you smiled like you haven’t been crying until then.

“But why are you doing that?” you laughed and tried not to freak out because he was still holding you.

“So you could own me one later,” he continued to smile even after you hit them slightly in chest. “What? Nothing’s free, remember?”

You bit your cheek, trying to hold back a smile. “Yeah, sure.”

“So we have a deal?”

“No,” you said and raised a brow. “We have a deal only if you don’t get yourself in trouble by talking to Snape or, even worst, getting me into a bigger mess. You need to succeed in order to have a deal.”

“That sounds like a deal to me,” he smirked and ran a hand through his blonde hair, which seemed more like gray in the light given by the moon.

“We have a deal, then,” you laughed and tighten up a bit the grip on his shirt.

“Don’t ever stay that close to the edge again,” he asked you and you could see the same feeling of anxiety on his face. You nodded your head in agreement and he hugged you again. “You scared the shit out of me,” he confessed.

It was the first time in your life when you felt that somebody was truly worried about you. Your parents would’ve just watch you break down and then get up and try again, telling you that it’s the normal way to educate yourself. But that night, in his arms, you felt that you weren’t the same lonely child. It was a warm feeling, a feeling of a new burning in your heart. And it was a nice feeling.

I fell in your arms tonight / I fell hard in your arms tonight / It was nice

You agreed to meet Draco the next day in the Astronomy Tower half an hour before the dinner would finish and you were surprised to see him already there, welcoming you with the same somehow evil smirk he had the other day.

“You own me one,” he said without even waiting for you to say something. “Snape told me he’ll forget about the detention, but you need to make some rephrasing on your essay.” He was proud of his manipulative skills and you could see it in his eyes – there was a little sparkle as you approached him.

“Good job, Draco,” you said smiling from an ear to the other. “I guess I own you one.”

“Yes, yes you do.”

You look over the skyline and went closer to the balustrade, Draco following you closely even after you sat down on the stone floor, your legs hanging on the outside. You seemed to be secure enough, so Draco sat down and looked at the sunset as well.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You already did,” he puffed and you punched his shoulder, smiling.

“You’re an idiot, you know what I mean.”

“Why am I an idiot?” he asked and turned to face you with an ugly look.

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that!” you told him quickly. “I call my friends that way when they say something dumb but they’re funny at the same time,” you explained, ashamed that you offended him.

He was silent for a moment and looked at the lake again. “My father uses that term to talk about incompetent people,” he said and you looked away from his face.

“I guess it’s a way to use it, too,” you spoke shy.

“Why do you want to ask me?” he changed the subject, removing the awkward tension between you two.

“Why did you called Hermione Granger that word?” you asked cautious not to upset him with your curiosity.

“That’s what she is,” he said nonchalantly, “She’s a Mudblood, and she is inferior to us.”

“Only because of her blood?” you laughed. “And how do you know I’m not inferior to you too?”

“I made my research on you before talking to you again,” he shrugged.

“She’s superior to both of us in many ways, Draco,” you told him and looked at him in the moment he did the same. “She lives in another world at the same time she lives in this one,” you explained, “We were born surrounded by magic and that’s our only way of living.”

He lour. “Why do you say that?”

“I take the Muggle Studies class,” you smiled proudly.

“Why would you do that?” he scoffed. If you ignored his mentality on that subject, you could say he was really cute.

“It’s interesting,” you started. “They have many objects we have no idea about and they have fairy tales about anything – they’re kind of superstitious.”

“Superstitious?” he asked like he was curious and not like he wanted to mock you.

“Yeah,” you said and got up. “Maybe I’ll tell you about some superstitions one day.”

“Tomorrow night,” he asked you and got up as well.

“You want to know more about Muggles?” you laughed.

He shrugged. “It’s your chance to prove me they’re not inferior to us.”

“Ok,” you smiled and took the challenge.

You left the Tower walking by his side, and your heart skipped a beat when you realized that he walked you to your Common Room door, wishing you a goodnight. The next day Professor Snape wanted to talk to you again after class, this time apologizing for the way he managed the situation, but you could tell he wasn’t very pleased with what he was saying. When the dinner was nearly finished, you could see Draco leaving the Great Hall without looking in your direction and you knew it was the signal to get up and do the same thing after some minutes. You thought it’d be better if nobody would know where you were going and with who.

“Ready to learn about Muggles?” you asked him with joy as soon as you got in the highest place in Hogwarts.

“Whatever,” he laughed and rolled his eyes.

You brought a book you got last year on your birthday from Hermione, a book about a lot of things the Muggles believe in. You read out loud some pages and Draco only sat next to you, listening. It was somehow therapeutic to read in front of him because he didn’t disturb you, he even looked like he was enjoying it.

“So they even have a specific flower for when somebody dies?” he asked out of a sudden. He was really paying attention.

“Yeah, in some countries,” you smiled. “In Italy, France or Belgium – where it’s made the best chocolate – the white chrysanthemum is well known to be brought at somebody’s funeral. But they also represent loyalty and devoted love, so I think it makes it even more beautiful. They’re my favorites,” you smiled.

“A flower that represents the death is your favorite?” he laughed, making you roll your eyes. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’ve never seen a chrysanthemum, and that’s something, considering the fact that my mother has a gigantic garden.”

He was often talking about his mother and you deducted that he’s a mummy boy – it was cute to know that he loved his mother dearly.

“I would love to see it,” you smiled politely.

“Maybe you will,” he said and caught you by surprise. “I mean, maybe you’ll see a garden as big as my mother’s,” he clarified when he observed those big eyes of yours.

“Yeah,” you said in a quiet voice, looking back into your book.

“What?” he asked and you didn’t respond him.

You were… sad? Disappointed? It was a strange and groundless feeling given by the idea that you’ll never see the garden of his house, and that also meant that you’ll never meet his mother, who was already painted in your mind like an elegant and kind woman.

“Are you upset?” he asked again and grabbed your jaw carefully, making you form eye contact.

“No,” you said simply, and the honesty in your voice surprised you. It was like all the hard feelings were erased by his eyes, by their calming color.

“Good,” he smiled, “Because you shouldn’t be upset.”

“Why?” you asked.

“I’ll bring you all the flowers from my mother’s garden if you’re not upset,” he traced his fingers up to your cheek, placing a strand of hair behind your red ear – all your emotions ran to your head, making the skin he touched burn.

“Why?” you asked again like a curious kid.

He rolled his eyes in a playful way, trying to pretend he was tired of your whys. “Because a pretty face like yours shouldn’t frown. You’ll get wrinkles,” he laughed and pinched your nose.

“Auch,” you hissed, massaging the end of your nose. “You say I’m pretty?”

“I say it’s time to get you back to your Common Room,” he nodded his head and got up, offering you his hand to help you get up.

The walk to the Ravenclaw’s door was silent, and when you got there it was an even more annoying silence. He only watched you like he was waiting for your next move.

“Uh, I can’t come tomorrow night,” you informed him. “I have to help my roommate study for Transfiguration.”

“So she’s stealing my study buddy,” he joked.

“I’ll see you around, though?”

“Yeah, of course,” he smiled and you just wanted to kiss that little dimple of his.

So you did – you got up to your toes and kissed his cheek. “Good night, Draco,” you smiled and entered the empty room, all your housemates already being off to their dormitories, probably. Your heart was pouting hard, like it was trying to escape the little cage of your ribs, but your soul was feeling warm and sweet, like honey.

The next day you tried to focus in all your classes, you tried to pay attention to your friends but all you could think of was Draco Malfoy, with his blue eyes and sweet dimple. It was a boring night the one you spent in your room, listening and explaining to your roommate simple things about your Transfiguration class, the same ones that Draco found difficult – even that made you think about him. It was a great relief to walk again on the stairs that led you to the Astronomy Tower, the excitement making your heart jump with joy. It dropped to the bottom of your soul when you didn’t find him there, and it broke when he didn’t come at all.

Maybe you scared him – maybe he didn’t want you to kiss his cheek, maybe he didn’t want you so close to him. Maybe you screwed it up. And you really believed that when he didn’t come two nights in a row, making you to skip dinner on the third night. You didn’t have the power to cry again, but you really wanted to – you nearly managed to get a tear out of you if it wouldn’t be eagle owl which entered your room through the open window.

“What’s up with you, stupid bird?” you asked in anger, making the owl give you a response in the same tonality. “Easy,” you spoke as you took the little parchment from its claw.

‘You didn’t come to dinner, are you sick? If you are, take a good sleep and get better. — D.M'

You crumbled the little letter and thrown it away telling the bird to leave you alone. You walked from left to right, biting your nails out of anxiety and anger – who was he to ignore you three days and then ask to meet you? You grabbed the letter from the floor and read it again, and the curiosity won against your anger. You grabbed a blue sweater and ran to the Astronomy Tower, but walked the steps so he wouldn’t know the speed with which you came. You were furious at him – you couldn’t wait to scream at him and tell him to fuck off with his unhealthy behaviors, but when you saw him leaning on the stone wall in front of you with a bouquet of white flowers in his hand and a small box on the other one, you just froze on the last step.

“Hello, Y/N,” he greeted you with a smile on the corner of his lips. You approached him slowly; your eyes going from his face go his hands and back to his hands. “I see you’re not sick,” he said when you were in front of him. “Why haven’t you come to dinner?”

“Why didn’t you give me a sign of living?” you asked straight, searching for his eyes.

“I was… busy,” he said and cleared his throat. “But I asked my mother to get me those,” he smiled and handed you the bouquet of chrysanthemums and the little box. “Open it,” he asked impatient.

You undone the little bow and opened it with one hand, the other holding carefully the flowers. Your hands were shaking. “Chocolate,” you laughed nervous.

“From Belgium, just like the flowers,” he said proud, smiling. “Don’t you like them?” he asked a little panicked when you didn’t say a thing, only watching the flowers in such an examining way.

“I love them!” you said, “I love them, Draco,” you assured them, holding them to your chest like you were scared he’d get them back.

“Good, I hoped you’d say that.”

You smelt them, and your whole soul was dancing – the sweet smell reminded you of the late autumn’s rains, of the lazy sunrays and all the nice skies in the world.

“I love them Draco, but what’s the occasion?”

He massaged the back of his head, avoiding your eyes. “You don’t need a reason to get flowers, Y/N. You deserve them anytime,” he said and your heart exploded at his cuteness. “My mother told me it’d be nice if I would give them to you before anything else,” he said and bite his lower lip immediately after, like he said something he didn’t mean to.

“Before what, Draco?” you asked curious. He was so good at making you all set on fire, unfocused and yet so, so concentrated on him.

“You’re a nice girl, Y/N, really nice,” he said in a quiet voice. His tonality made you thought about a break-up – like he wanted to break the bond that began to form between you two.

“What are you trying to tell me, Draco?” you asked in a harsh tone. “Just say it, ok? You don’t need to bring me flowers and chocolate if you want to say goodbye, it’s not like I’m dying,” you said pointing to the chrysanthemums.

“No, no, Y/N,” he interrupted you. “The white chrysanthemums represent loyalty and devoted love,” he whispered.

“Oh,” was all you could say. “Oh,” you repeated when you figured out what he really meant.

“Yeah,” he chuckled, and you laughed along with him. The sound of his laugh made your heart put itself back together. “So…” he started and came closer to you.

“So?” you said, biting your lips and blinking slowly.

“So may I kiss you, Y/N?” he asked in such a kind voice, all your body going soft at his words. His mother must’ve taught him how to talk to a girl – and she did such a good job.

You nodded shyly and let yourself carried by his hands, which dragged your body closer to his. He gently pressed his lips on your, letting them stay together for a couple of seconds and then retiring. His blue eyes were looking into yours, burning with desire and impatience. Your hands tightened the flowers and the little box harder, and you put them around his neck, getting him even closer to you and smashing your lips back together. His hands were on your waist, grabbing the material of your sweater between his fingers. Your eyes were closed and your body was filled with warmth – you saw nothing and yet, somehow, you were aware of everything in the Universe through a white light.

White light in your arms tonight / I lost sight in your arms tonight / It was nice

The next months were full of love and laughs for you – Draco was the most careful boy you’ve ever been with. He still wanted you two to have secret little dates in the Astronomy Tower, where you’d read to him about Muggles and poetry written by them.

“Don’t you think it’s kinda cute that I listen to you reading about that non-sense?” he asked once.

“It’s poetry, Draco,” you scoffed, “It’s about love!”

Besides the secret dates, he really wanted to go public. He was the type to show you off in front of everyone, only to make sure that every other boys knew that you were off their league but in a kind way – he’d kiss your forehead on the hallways, walk you to classes even if that meant he’d be late to his and gave you endless gifts. You received a lot of chrysanthemums, love letters and sweets anytime his mother would send him a package. Your roommates were jealous of you even if they told you directly that they didn’t like Draco and there was nothing to do about it. Hermione wasn’t so happy either and somehow distanced herself from you when she found out about your relationship, but Draco made you to forget all those things – he was the bad guy in everyone’s story, and even if some time ago he wasn’t even a side-character in yours, he became the climax of your story. You didn’t love Draco for his gift, you loved him truly – you loved him for the kind words, the warm glares, the sweet kisses and the tight hugs. And you knew he loved you too, because he made you feel safe in the whole madness with the Dark Lord and the war everyone was talking about.

“Do you think there’ll be a war, Draco?” you asked one night when you two where curled up into each other’s arms.

“I don’t know, Y/N,” he said absent.

“I heard that Harry’s forming an army,” you said and looked up to him, only to see him rolling his eyes.

“Potter isn’t capable to tie his own laces, my love, and you think he’s able to lead an army?” he laughed and that made you roll your eyes. “You’re funny.”

“But you’re the only one taking it as a joke, you’re the one who’s laughing,” you said and he frowned.

“Then I think I have to change that,” he said and his fingers came to your ribs, tickling you.

You started to laugh hard, to fight so you could escape his torture, begging him to stop. “Draco, that’s enough!” you screamed as you felt tears in your eyes, so you grabbed his arm and tried to scratch him playfully to make him stop.

Hissing, he let you go and pulled away from you, his hand over the left arm.

“What’s wrong, baby?” you asked worried that you hurt him.

“Nothing,” he said in an annoyed voice, getting up on his feet and looking down to you. “I’m fine,” he said and something in your mind clicked. For more than two weeks he’d say that stupid phrase whenever you asked him what happened – he seemed tired and anxious, but whenever you’d ask about him he’d become fine.

“Don’t try to fool me, Draco,” you said annoyed as well and, already on your feet, you’d try to grab his hand and reveal the possible wound.

“I said I’m fine, Y/N,” he repeated and avoided your hands like they’d burn him.

“And I said to stop fooling me!” you shouted and sneaked close enough to him to get his hand away from his arm, but he pushed you harder than he thought – you fell on the ground, a piece of material in your hand; his sleeve – ripped, revealing red lines, scratches – who were older, but reopened by your nails – which were covering the worst thing you could think of: the Dark Mark. The air left your lungs and your head started to spin, the vision becoming blurred.

“Y/N…” he tried to say, coming closer to you but you crawled away.

“What the fuck, Draco?!” you screamed and got up by yourself. “Stay away!” you said when he tried to approach you.

“I can explain, Y/N,” he said, his voice shaking.

“How on earth you could explain the Dark Mark on your arm?” you shouted again, your hands running in your hair and pulling it.

“Sh,” he said loud, asking you to be quiet. “It’s not what it looks like, my love, I swear.”

You laughed – loud, nervous. “Then what it is?”

“They made me do it, Y/N!”

“They made you get the Dark Mark, become a fucking Death Eater and join Voldemort?” you screamed again and step back when he tried to come closer.

“My father, he… I didn’t want to, Y/N,” he said quietly, his eyes starting to get wet.

“You lied to me, Draco,” you whispered. “You said everything will be fine, you said you’ll protect me!”

“And I will!” he also screamed. “I will,” he repeated breathing heavily.

“How? Making me join the Death Eaters so they wouldn’t kill me later?” you mocked him, and you could say it hurt him to see you that way – but you didn’t care.

“Nobody will kill you, Y/N,” he said, trying to calm you. “You’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.”

“A war is coming, Draco,” you said harshly, “The Dark Lord is alive and back and anyone who’s against him is in danger.”

“You’re not in danger, Y/N,” he repeated. “We’re in this together, please, love,” he begged you, tears running down his face.

“We’re not on the same side, Draco,” you whispered.

“I thought you didn’t like to pick sides,” he said like he was trying to make you change your mind.

“We’re talking about a war, Draco, not a fucking fight in the courtyard,” you said and shook your head. “Just… leave me alone, please,” you asked him and started to walk away.

“Y/N, please!” he grabbed your wrist but you pulled away immediately.

“Don’t touch me ever again, Draco Malfoy,” you said in hatred, giving him a disgusted look before leaving him alone in the Astronomy Tower – alone, hurt and crying. He saw the disgust in your eyes, the hate and the fear.

Hard times came for you – you decided to act like nothing was happening, like you had no idea what Draco was and a part of you felt miserable for doing so, but other part was believing him, the other part was still loving him and it was hurting to see him and not run in his arms. You decided to let the time pass and decide what would happen with everything – but the time was cruel, because nothing good happened since that night. Dumbledore’s death, the Death Eaters, the continuing agony. You became scared to stay alone, thinking that a Death Eater or even Voldemort would show up and kill you – and Draco wouldn’t be there to protect you.

But when the real battle began, you felt all the adrenaline rushing through your body – Professor McGonagall seemed worried but she gave you the power to fight back, to fight for Hogwarts, for your friends, for Harry, for life. You never tried to spell hexes because it wasn’t necessary, but in the battles you had with some Death Eaters you remembered them all – and you casted them loud, pointing your wand in their direction with hatred. You were running on the same old stairs that led you to the Astronomy Tower, a loud and crazy laugh following you along with a curly hair and dark, mad eyes, thirsty for blood.

“Stop running, little doll!” she screamed when you got up, waiting for her with your wand ready, something that made her laugh. “Stubborn one, aren’t you?” she asked and walked closer to you with tangled steps.

“Crazy one, aren’t you?” you managed to gather your nerve to ask her. She didn’t seem too happy with your comment, because she lifted her wand – before she’d say anything, you screamed the Disarming Charm as loud as you could, making her wand fly from her hand and fall to the ground.

“Well, well,” she laughed, running her tongue over her bloody lips. “You won, now kill me!” she laughed, the sound driving you crazy.

“Shut up! Just shut up!”

“Kill me!”

“Crucio!” you screamed and the green light flashed from the tip of your wand, hitting Bellatrix Lestrange in the middle of her chest. She fell to the ground, laughing – it was hurting, but Bellatrix have been insane for a long, long time.

“Y/N!”

“Draco?” you said to yourself, watching the boy you loved running to you. He grabbed your shoulders, looking at you from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. “What are you doing here?”

“Are you alright? Did she hurt you?”

You looked at Bellatrix who was still to the ground, and you tighten your fingers around the wand.

“No,” you said and looked back to Draco. He seemed fine and a part of you wanted to scream that he was fine because he was one of them, they wouldn’t hurt him like that crazy woman tried to do to you, but the other part won that battle. You hugged him tight, wanting to make all the things disappear and be just you and him. “I’m scared, Draco,” you whispered.

“You’ll be fine, love,” he said and kissed your temple.

“So she’s the little doll that got you all soft, Draco?”

The fear ran through your body again and you pulled away from Draco, still holding his hands.

“Please,” he said and looked at the crazy woman who got her wand back. He let go of your hand and grabbed his wand, pointing it to her.

“Aw, Draco darling,” she laughed, “Does Cissy know that you’re pointing your want to your family?”Family?

“Aunt Bella, please, don’t hurt her,” Draco breathed heavily, not taking his eyes off of her.

“But she hurt me, Draco,” Bellatrix laughed, got her wand in your direction and casted an unspoken spell, only saying your name.

Draco tried to protect you, getting in front of you, but the purple light went through him and entered your body. The pain was indescribable, like all your internal organs were stabbed with hundred of knives. “No!” he screamed at his aunt, who only laughed louder and waved him goodbye before disappearing into a black cloud of smoke.

You’d feel your members go numb, dropping your wand and falling to the ground, making Draco to scream again like he could physically feel your agony. “Y/N!” he screamed.

Some balls of light were thrown in the tower’s direction, by the people outside, and they made the windows in the roof break, falling upon you along with pieces of tiles. Your sight went blurry, seeing Draco through red spots. “What’s happening, Draco?” you managed to ask him.

“You’re fine, my love,” he cried, tightening your shoulders, trying to hug you without hurting you.

“I can’t see you, hear you,” you cried and coughed; he started to sob even harder, watching the blood drop from your eyes and mouth as you tried to breathe. “I don’t feel very good,” you told him as it weren’t obvious.

“You’ll be alright, my love, stay with me,” he begged you.

His tears were falling on your face, mixing with the blood that was leaving your body – Bellatrix Lestrange chose a curse that gave you a slow and painful death.

“Hey, you,” you said, trying to make him pay attention to you. You looked him in the eyes, trying hard to see them clear. “Don’t you think it’s kinda cute?”

“What?” he whispered.

“Don’t you think it’s kinda cute,” you repeated, “That I died right inside your arms tonight?”

“No! No! No!” he said, his voice shaking. “Don’t you dare to do this to me, Y/N! Do you hear me? Stay with me!”

But you were gone – you left that world with a little smile on your lips, with bloody tears on your face and with the memory of his eyes watching you, of his arms holding you. And that made death a less painful thing for you.

That I'm fine even after I have died / Because it was in your arms I died

“No, Y/N!” he screamed, realizing you were gone. “Come back! Come back, Y/N, you own me one!”

“I’m sorry, Draco,” you whispered while watching him from behind – you could also see your lifeless body, laying on the ground with glass pieces, rocks and blood all over it and it made you cry. You floated over your body and tried the stupidest thing you could think of: going back inside. But it was impossible – it felt like it was locked. Bloody tears were falling from your eyes, and you damned Bellatrix Lestrange for giving you such an ugly death: you’ll cry blood for eternity on the Hogwarts’ halls as a ghost. “I want to come back, Draco!” you screamed at the same time when he asked you to come back.

I cry in the afterlife / I cry hard because I have died / And you're alive / I try to escape the afterlife / I try hard to get back inside / Your arms tonight

The battle was over: Lord Voldemort was now dead, Bellatrix Lestrange was dead along with other Death Eaters, but so were a lot of innocent people: now, some students would stay forever in the castle because they chose to remain behind; they, just like you, were too scared of death and chose an imitation of life. As a ghost, you didn’t really felt like showing to everyone; it hurt you enough to know they missed you, and to see their broken souls when they’d realize you’re trapped in this world as a ghost would be more painful than your death. You knew nothing about Draco for a long time – you stayed in the tower all the time, and you already knew that after some years, when the school would be rebuilt, the little kids would call you the ghost of the Astronomy Tower – that thought made you smile; maybe they’d call you Bloody Y/N, or Bloody Crybaby Y/N, or… whatever name would fit a blood-crying ghost. That’s how you spent many months – thinking, crying, whishing you’d have chose the death.

A loud cry woke you up one day – you looked over to the balustrade, where a tall figure was shaking while looking down, down all the way to the ground. “I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said and you recognized him easily. “I’m so fucking sorry, my love,” he cried again and you approached him. On the ground, at his feet, was a bouquet of white chrysanthemums – they made your eyes tear up immediately.

“I promised you I’d protect you and I failed,” he whispered. “I hate myself since that day, my love,” he confessed.

To let him know about your presence was a bad idea – he’d be devastated to see you that way.

“I’ll see you soon, love,” he spoke to himself, or so he thought because he jumped in surprise when you screamed.

“Wait!”

“Y/N…” he cried, now facing you and crying harder. “You’re… alive?”

“Draco…” you sighed, “What are you doing here?”

He came closer and tried to hug you, but his arms went through you with ease. “You’re… a ghost.”

“Please don’t jump,” you said crying harder than him. It was a horrible image, indeed, to see a blood-crying ghost – but he was in love with you.

“I miss you, Y/N, I want to be with you,” he told you like he asked for permission.

But you shook your head in disapproval. “You won’t like it here, darling,” you smiled. “Please, stay – be happy and live.”

“I love you, Y/N, how could I live without you?” he cried like a little child, helpless.

You pointed to the flowers. “If your love is devoted, you’d spend the rest of your life fulfilling my wish, Draco.”

“Y/N…”

“Stay alive, Draco. I’ll be here, always,” you promised and cried.

He ran his hands through his hair, his blue eyes crying you a river. When he calmed down, he bent over and grabbed the flowers, handing them to you. You cried in pain, but still tried to get them – and you where surprised when you could.

“Come back to me, Y/N,” he said and you tried your best to make his wish come true. You tried to hug him, to kiss his forehead – he could swear he felt your cold skin on his.

“I wish I could, my love,” you said and stayed in front of him, with the sign of his devoted love in your hand.

And hey (hey), you (you), don't you think it's kinda cute / That I (I) try (try) to escape the afterlife / That I (I) try (try) to get back in your arms alive / That I died in your arms

#vogueweasley3k #draco malfoy x reader #ravenclaw reader #draco x y/n #slowburn #angst #arms tonite #draco x you #hogwarts #astronomy tower #tw death #tw blood #tw mature languge

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demenior · 3 years ago

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Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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stiltonbasket · 4 years ago

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Twelve Moons and a Fortnight wrap-up Q & A!

(brief note that this post does contain spoilers, so don’t click past the cut unless you’ve finished reading!)

1. Hi Stilton! I love you and TMAAF! The way you write the letters really feels organic and like people writing letters to other people in a time where communication wasn't instantaneous and thats a pet peeve I have with some fics that treat letters like text. I don't know if you've been asked this but what's your inspiration for the letters? Did you just make them up as they are? Did you look at old letters and studied the tone? @iwillbetrash4eva

I made the letters up as they are, but it was essential for me to keep in mind that the characters are all highly educated, and that Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian, and Nie Huaisang in particular are very accomplished in the arts. Letters written by someone who composes music and poetry in their spare time aren’t going to be the same as emails and text messages written for the sake of raw information transfer, so I made sure to incorporate that into the letters; they’re written on pretty paper, usually in the sender’s best calligraphy, and it takes time to sit down and write them, so there’s an aspect of aesthetic reflection there that we rarely notice in modern communication.

I also felt that the characters would include snapshots of their lives and feelings while writing; this was more important with Wei Wuxian, since he throws himself so deeply into his daily life, but I also had to remember how important the past is to all of the characters and how enmeshed it is with their relevant current events. Ultimately, each letter serves as an extra look into the characters’ state of mind, which is something the narrative might not give us.

2. What was your favorite scene in TMAAF, and which OC was the most fun to write? @keela1221

My favorite scene was Wei Wuxian’s departure from Lotus Pier in chapter 46, especially the part when everyone chased after him! I planned it several months in advance (sometime last summer, I think?) so finally getting to write it felt amazing.

Surprisingly, my favorite original characters to write (besides the main additions of Xiao-Yu, Yu Zhenhong, and Li Shuai) were the Jiang juniors. They love their Wei-zongzhu so much ;~;

3. What made you think of writing this fic? And would you consider a special epilogue because I don't think 50 chapters were nearly enough for me.❤ @avezevin

I think I just wanted to speculate about what cultivation politics might have been like after Jin Guangyao died, and TMAAF was born! And I most likely will be posting an epilogue, since I realized that the Zhenqing wedding works best as a coda instead of as a fic of its own.

4. what's your research process for tmaaf? the worldbuilding is so detailed!!

I read posts on tradition and culture and use them as sources if the chance ever comes along. A significant portion of the lore was entirely made up, but @light8828 helped me with some of the language, and offered so much guidance on cultivation worldbuilding <3

5. I really like the way you write the dynamic between Wei ying and lan zhan with their kids in all your stories. Xiao-Yu is a very lovable character and his relationship with his parents is something I go back to read many times. What do you use as inspiration when writing his, or any of his siblings, relationship with their parents?

Real life, I guess. Some of my older friends have recently had children, and they’re very good parents. :3

6. Where will you be going with the series? I need to prepare myself for heartbreak if the end is approaching, (its ok if you dont know tho! Idk is an optimistic answer, its just that you seem to have many things plotting away in that brain of yours)

Up next, I’m going to finish all the fics in the series that are still in progress, and then I’m going to write Lan Xichen’s fic, maybe a fic from Wen Qing’s point of view, a fic focusing on a reincarnated Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen, and a fic from Jin Yun’s POV focusing on his relationship with LXC and the latter’s death and ascension. This doesn’t count all the fluffy wangxian oneshots still bubbling on the back burner, so I expect this series to keep me busy well into 2022. *sweats*

7. TMAAF Q&A: when did you decide you were bringing wen qing back? what led you to making her return a result of the soul-summoning array, rather than having her have survived by some other method? @mischief7manager

I decided that Wen Qing would be returning sometime between chapters 12 and 15, since that was when I knew I wanted her to be the one to cure Wei Wuxian. And as much as I liked the idea of Wen Qing surviving, I didn’t want her to be imprisoned for the 16-year interim; it was important that she appear in TMAAF as she was before her death rather than having over a decade of character development off-screen. But she wasn’t a fierce corpse that could just be put to sleep for all that time, hence the soul-summoning.

8. For the Q&A: Stilton, how did you come up with such an adorable perfect little child like Xiao-Yu?? You write him so well it really does seem like it’s a child talking!! @whereisyourcahier

He’s partly based on a real baby I know. :P It might sound impossible, but he’s even cuter than Xiao-Yu is.

9. Thank you for doing this Q&A! Was Xiao Yu always part of the story? (Ilhim so much!!)

He was! I always wanted Wangxian to experience parenthood together, so Xiao-Yu’s entry was planned long before he actually appeared in the fic.

10. how did you deal with any writers block that came up?

By reading comments!! I have all of you to thank for that <3<3!!!!!!

11. What was the process for plotting each arc of tmaaf? & when did you decide on what the storyline was going to be? Did you know when you started or did you incorporate stuff as you wrote?

I hashed out the whole plot at once sometime last May, and that was when I laid down the rough storyline. The overall plot was finalized by the time chapter 18 went up, though I did add further details as I went along. In particular, the mini-arc of Wei Wuxian investigating the Yangshuo plague was mostly written on the fly.

12. how long have you been planning the wen qing lang xiyan reveal? has it been something set in stone from the start?

I’ve been planning it since last April, though the exact circumstances weren’t clear until around August or September. Originally, Jiang Cheng was going to ask “Lang Xiyan” to marry him after her mourning period was over, only for her to reveal herself as Wen Qing before accepting, but I soon realized that this wouldn’t fit either of their characters. Wen Ning recognizing her was the only way the reveal made sense (both emotionally and logically) so I had to find a reason to bring him to Yunmeng at exactly the right time.

13. I just want to ask two little things (well three). Where we will be able to read the wedding of baby Zizhen and A-Qing? Will there be Chengqing? And with the last question, if it's yes, will you write a one shot, drabble or something like that?? 🥺🥺🥺

I’m going to post a 51st chapter to TMAAF with the Zhenqing wedding as an epilogue, and Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing are married by then! Wen Qing will most likely be getting a fic of her own, focusing on the time between her revival and her engagement to Jiang Cheng.

14. I just finished reading your fic and let me tell you it's one of the best I have ever had the pleasure to read :) For someone who wants to start writing, how did you start the story? Did you wrote everything with a little scheme or you just leave your brain to work in the document?

I wasn’t planning to write fic for MDZS/CQL at all, and then I randomly ended up outlining, drafting, and posting the first chapter of TMAAF within the span of around two hours. When starting a story, I think it works best for me to just let my brain work in the document without worrying too much about how it might turn out--outlines and schemes tend to come later, after I’ve gotten a feel for how the characters act and laid down some dead-basic worldbuilding.

If you’re just starting out, make sure you’re having fun and that everything you write is as self-indulgent as possible! Enjoying the process is the most important thing, worrying about all the specifics can come later. <3

#wangxian #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #twelve moons and a fortnight #q&a #asks

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yeoldontknow · 4 years ago

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🖊writerly conversation tag

tagged by @j-pping to do this amazing interview/reflections tag. of course she put together one of the most amazing tags ever because she is brilliant. thank you for tagging me angel!

questions below the cut!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

gosh...i think for me the hardest bit was staying both motivated and inspired. a lot of my inspiration comes from being out in the world. im an introvert but i enjoy being out in the city around the noise and the people and the buildings on my own. the majority of my writing used to be done while riding the subway or on a weekend after id gone out somewhere. a lot of my fics are inspired by locations, and experiences within those locations. being inside for the majority of the year made it hard for me to remember how...people interact with or relate to the spaces around them. so i felt like a lot of the time staying inspired was coming from places within just me that felt inauthentic. i think my writing benefits from my ability to see multiple perspectives, so i felt like a lot of dialogue or writing itself was suffering just coming from me alone. it took a lot of work to ensure that it wasnt like that.

and then, motivation was also so hard. the internet and the news and everything about america, the planet, the everything was unrelenting and draining. we as people were privy to so much trauma this year, to the collapse and fracture of communities, lives, governments. there were several weeks at the end of may and into june where i just...couldnt. i had no energy for anything. it happened again in november after the election and the windfall of it. energetic tensions were so high it just felt so hard to push out words when things were breaking everywhere. like there were more important things i needed to focus on, and healing was one of them.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

i enjoyed the new community of writers/friends i found by writing for bts again. they challenged me and pushed me to better myself. @jamaisjoons is so inspirational in the way she generates community and encourages relationships between storytellers. doing the summer bucket list pushed me out of my hermit hole for camp nano, and i cranked out molotov cocktail and felt so proud of it. it mattered so much to me because it was the first long thing id written after a period of feeling deceased, and it was so enjoyable because there was a sense of community around it. its easy to forget how essential having a support system in your creative community is.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

probably ciperion. words cannot express how proud i am of that story and the direction its going in. i read it back sometimes and i realize that my writing was elevated because of that piece. tbh molotov was responsible for that lift, but ciperion was just a whole other tier. ive also never written anything like that story before and it felt so good exploring the themes of seafaring and pirates.

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

that i absolutely am someone who took for granted how inspiring the world is even if i see it as a stressor. but also that writing isnt necessarily about being inspired. its about pushing on when its hard. some of my best pieces came from that kind of push this year. 2020 felt like...a slog through most of it, but i kept pushing myself to write even when i was low and tired. i realized that some of my best writing comes from that push, when its not easy and when its difficult and i have to think harder. thats where i grow.

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

i think im more syntax and detailed focused than i used to be. lately ive been experimenting with making the act of reading feel like pleasure. my favourite books are the ones where i read a sentence, and im moved because it felt nice to read or it felt powerful. the sentence itself had power, not the image it was trying to convey. somehow separate, if that makes sense. theres a lot i need to learn before i could go off comfortably and try to write a book, and this is what ive been trying to master. my attention to detail has grown, and sometimes i think thats a detriment. i think sometimes im too detailed and i dont leave my reader enough power on their own. im still finding that balance, but i think im pleased right now with what im trying to push myself to master.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

ive had two books in my mind forever. one was originally being written as a fanfic in a different fandom before i stopped and realized its too big and so much more important, and is worth being a book id like to write. if i wrote an opus like this it would actually be a book id submit to publishers but ~

- hundreds of years in the future, society has learned how to cure most diseases. for those we cannot, the sick person can be cryogenically frozen for a period of time until a cure is found. there is, however, a limit to the length of time they are frozen. no one has ever been frozen for over 100 years, and the main character is a scientist embarking on the experiment to do just that. it is, effectively, time travel. the main character is rash, selfish, sarcastic - not a very nice person; invested in their work and science and little else. they freeze themselves and wake up in the future. during their time in rehab they have to confront the horror theyve made of themselves, the horror people have made of the future, learn to be vulnerable. they end up falling in love with another scientist etc etc. theres so much more to this story and the world is enormous. one day ill revisit it

- a fictional play on orpheus in the underworld where a female main character’s brother was sold by their mother to the goddess of the underworld (helena instead of hades) for eternal youth. the gods all live in a hotel (the concept of this main thing is being used in elysian fields but its not remotely the same) after they were removed from the heavens. main character (ophelia) must gather several totems from the gods to prove her worth and survive her trip into the underworld to rescue him. id like to not focus on a woman finding romance, and instead a woman finding herself, her strength, her devotion to family, her power, and connecting with her history.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

this year id like to find balance, like i mentioned above, with my need for detail and my trust in my readers. the balance between detail and dialogue. i want to try to condense my writing again so not everything is a goddamn series. the ideas i have are huge and thats great but i need to remember how to parse things again, while still maintaining impact.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

i want more community, in general. as a multi fan, i see pockets in the kpop fandom where it exists and im well and truly aware that its recently become incredibly hard to foster on the exo side. ill just say that. maybe i dont witness it or its happening amongst blogs i havent found or have not found me. i want to see less dialogue about ‘popular blogs,’ whatever that means; less focus on notes; less worries about statistics. i want people to remember that fandom is not about numbers, and the moment you make it about that is the moment you stop having fun. i want less fear from writers regarding sharing work they read and liked, less shame around it. i want to see more vocal communication for the things people like and don’t like, more engagement and more interaction. the concept of popular blogs is so ridiculous to me, because no one has any control over the metrics. no one has control over who follows them or reads their work except the person doing the actual reading. i want people to realize they hold so much power - a person with 10k notes has as much power as a person with 2 notes because sharing is what fosters community. i want this fandom to remember to share again.

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

gosh i really love postmodernism in writing. think like mark z danielewski, who plays with the shapes of words or the act of holding a book - the physicality of it. id like to maybe write a choose your own adventure, or do something that encompasses multiple platforms. or even, more importantly, finish as still as sound and time runner. those are more reasonable goals. time runner actually is done, i just need to stop pressuring myself about it and edit it to get it up. asas, too, is largely done i just need to get my ass together. i have so many other ideas no one has ever seen i need to finish what ive started. thats a real goal.

tagging: @yehet-me-up @jamaisjoons @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @luffles424 @yoonia @shadowsremedy @chillingkoo @onherwings @inkedtae @ninibears-erigom @imdifferentshadesofpurple @readyplayerhobi @ditzymax @sugaurora @snackhobi @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @johobi and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if comfortable or you want to!

#writer conversation tag

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lillupon · 4 years ago

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So, I've got a very long rant/opinion here and Idk really know how to say this without coming off kinda bad but I'm gonna say it anyways. I agree with the fact that the seventeen tag has been kinda dry lately on most fanfic places, but it's really only in the smut area. It's the sane way with other groups too I feel like. All of the nice little innocent tags are boomin to this day and thats completely fine. I think the smut tag is dry tho bc lately I feel like a few social issues (like sexualizing people and disrespecting them and their identity) have crossed over into kpop and have been ?blown out of proportion? Lately there's been a rampage of people who like to say that writing smut about someone is disgusting and is dehumanizing because people want to assume that it would make the idols uncomfortable which could equate to some morality issues on how you are reducing someone only to their body without their consent and a bunch of stuff like that. It kind of pisses me off bc this is fiction. About grown adults. Clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life. I think a shit ton is wrong with the world we currently live in, and deciding to come after something that isn't even real bothers me. Like what does that actually accomplish. But yeah, I think thats a reason why smut has been dying down. I mean, on youtube almost every video about unpopular opinions, or things they dont like about kpop will include something about shipping idols in fanfics. And then everyone in the comment section will talk about how its all fine and dandy in moderation, but once people start writing smut it's crossing the idols personal boundaries. It's something I've been seeing a lot more often and I think people who are interested in writing smut are being turned away from it bc we've gotten to a point where people are being called disgusting for having fantasies.

Hi Anon, thank you for sending in this Ask.

I want to preface this by saying: when I write or talk about Mingyu and Wonwoo fucking on my blog, it is a fantasy. I am not speculating about what the real Mingyu and Wonwoo might be like in bed. I am imagining the versions of Mingyu and Wonwoo that I have created in my head, that exist only in my stories. None of it is real. I understand that this can be a blurry boundary for some people. But for me, the separation between fantasy and reality is well-defined. Now, on to your Ask!

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. You’ve also touched on many of the issues I have been struggling with myself as of late. It’s difficult to argue about morals since everyone has a different set of values, as well as different comfort levels. Some people think real person fiction (RPF) is a gross invasion of privacy. Others are fine with it. And others don’t care one way or another. There is no single answer; I can only offer my answer. Which means, of course, people are welcome to disagree with it, or parts of it.

In this essay (LOL But forreal: this is an essay), I will be sharing my experience in the k-pop fanfic community from 2014 to present, the etiquette I personally abide by as a reader and writer of RPF, as well as my stance on RPF in general.

I started reading and posting fanfics back in 2014/2015 on a website called AsianFanfics (AFF). Obviously, no one on that site had a problem with RPF, since AFF is a platform made specifically for sharing stories about Asian celebrities. For many years, I read and enjoyed RPF with zero guilt. I scribbled away by myself in my own corner of fandom and curated my own content. I didn’t interact much with other fans, readers, or writers. I didn’t have a Twitter, and I only used tumblr to reblog memes. As a result, I’ve been able to avoid a lot of anti-shipping discourse, as well as purity and cancel culture. I had no idea there were so many negative opinions about RPF. It wasn’t until I became active on the subreddit r/Fanfiction last year that I learned about all the discourse surrounding RPF.

This newfound ‘awareness’ does make me feel guilty at times—but only because after mulling this over, I still don’t think this is something to feel guilty about.

Here’s what I remember, first and foremost, when I create and consume RPF: fanfics and my favourite ships are fictional, and fiction is fantasy. This is basic etiquette when it comes to RPF, and most people in the k-pop fandom understand this. Delusional fans exist, of course, but they are not representative of the entire k-pop community.

Another point of etiquette is to keep fanfics within fandom spaces. I would never push my fics into celebrities’ faces, or go around claiming that my fanfics are accurate representations of a k-idol’s life or personality, in any way, shape, or form. I would also discourage directing ship-related questions to official accounts, or bringing them up during fansigns or other face-to-face interactions; I believe that in these instances, shipping does have the potential to strain real-life relationships.

So with basic etiquette out of the way, let me share my approach to RPF in general.

As much as we like to think we know our favourite celebrities, we really don’t. All we see is their public persona. And this public persona is intentionally controlled, managed, and curated by a team of people: directors, tabloids, editors, makeup artists, publicists, etc. How “real” are these celebrities? We are so distanced from them that they may as well be fictional.

I draw from the public persona that idols project, and I work them into my own writing. But at the end of the day, these personalities are my own interpretation. My interpretation is probably nothing like an idol’s actual personality. I just use the “public persona/character” that idols portray as inspiration for my own stories, which are set in wildly different universes.

More than anything, I think of k-pop idols as “actors” in my fic. You know how when you write an original novel, you scroll through Google images, looking for the perfect person to portray your original character? RPF is literally that, except you might build upon pre-existing dynamics and personalities.

When it comes to explicit fanfiction, two main concerns are prevalent: one of consent, and one of sexualisation.

If we argue against explicit RPF due to lack of consent, we should be willing to apply the same lens to all explicit works. How do we know that the creator of a movie, book, series, etc., is okay with us using their characters in our stories, explicit or not? We don’t. Perhaps some creators encourage fanfiction, but don’t want their lovingly crafted characters engaging in sexual acts or experiencing trauma. We just don’t know. I feel this line is even more blurred when we talk about characters from movies or TV series.

Let’s take Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, as portrayed by Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, from the Captain America movies as an example. I am willing to bet that when people consume and create explicit fanfiction about Steve and Bucky, they are imagining Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan in their heads. I doubt many people are imagining the 2D cartoon versions of Steve and Bucky, even though they’re technically the exact same characters. Why? Well, it could be because movies are more readily and easily consumed than comics, and so people are unfamiliar with comic book Steve and Bucky. But it might also be because fans find Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan attractive. Is this really any different from RPF, where fic authors make up everything about a celebrity’s life?

When readers and writers of fanfic talk about how hot Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes is, those comments are about Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan’s bodies. When reading explicit stories, fans are going to picture Chris and Sebastian’s bodies in their head, doing sexual things. Can we say, “Well, it’s not really you, Chris/Sebastian”, when in a way, it is?

The reality is, people are going to thirst over celebrities, regardless of whether or not explicit fanfiction exists. They’re going to post thirst tweets on Twitter. They’re going to talk to friends and strangers online about how hot [insert celebrity name here] is. They’re going to fantasize about dating and having sex with their favourite celebrity. Or, as it is in my case, they’re going to make up stories in their heads about their favourite idols dating and banging each other. People are going to do all of this without ‘getting consent’ from the celebrity. Cracking down upon and shaming writers of RPF isn’t going to change any of that.

To be honest, I’m not sure why people think it is disgusting to imagine sexual scenarios about real people. It is okay and normal to have these kinds of fantasies. I suppose the alternative is to fantasise about having sex with cartoon characters instead? It’s a very binary way of thinking to say that if you imagine/write real people in explicit scenarios, you are immediately sexualising, dehumanising, or objectifying them. There is more to dehumanisation than writing smut about our favourite celebrities. For one thing, you can love someone and appreciate all parts of them, and still want to fuck their brains out. And generally, fanfics come from a place of love—love that is not only sexual in nature.

Is it the sharing aspect inherent to fanfiction? The possibility that a celebrity might stumble upon explicit works about them? The chances are very low, I think, of the k-pop idols I enjoy writing about coming across my English fics. But I also believe in curating your own content, and that applies to celebrities too. Perhaps a celebrity should not go searching for fanfics about themselves. And of course, people should not show celebrities their fanfics, unless invited.

Another argument I hear against (explicit) RPF is, “How would you feel if someone wrote fanfiction about you?” First off, I don’t like this argument because there’s a difference between someone who decides to be a public figure versus someone who decides to remain a regular private citizen. Celebrities should and do know what they’re getting into when they choose their occupation. (This is not to say, “They are celebrities; sexualise them all you want because that’s what they signed up for.” Here, I am only acknowledging that people might have sexual fantasies about celebrities they are attracted to. Presumably, celebrities are cognizant of this.)

If someone (whose existence I am not even aware of, mind you) decides they want to write explicit fanfiction of me in some tiny corner of the Internet, I wouldn’t care so long as: (1) they don’t shove it into my face, and (2) they don’t harass me and ask invasive questions about my personal life and relationships. It’s not hurting me or negatively affecting my life, so it wouldn’t even register as a blip on my radar. When fanfiction remains within its appropriate spaces, it is largely harmless.

Now, if a k-pop idol were to ask their fans to stop writing fanfiction about them, would I? Yes, I would. However, I can’t imagine that happening. Judging by the number of ‘sexy’ concepts, fanservice moments, and variety shows such as ‘We Got Married’, I am certain that k-pop idols realise they are the stars of many fantasies—some of which are explicit in nature. Considering the prevalence of shipping in the k-pop industry, I would argue that shipping is subtly encouraged.

It’s sad that so many talented writers are shamed out of fandom, or feel that k-pop cannot be the medium through which they tell their stories, or explore their sexuality, or cope with trauma, or simply have fun. Professional works and Hollywood love their RPF—readers and writers of fanfics should be able to, as well.

As you said Anon, “clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life” (this is a lovely sentence, by the way). The kind of person who dehumanises another and reduces them to a sexual object will do so some other way, if not via fanfiction. I don’t think the issue of fetishisation can be fixed simply by telling people not to write explicit RPF. In my experience, people who read and write RPF are more respectful and thoughtful about these things than the general public. We’ve all seen the general public say highly sexual things about celebrities in the media and to their faces, or tag celebrities in their thirst tweets. Are these things less invasive than fanfiction? Personally, I don’t think so. And in my opinion, there are more pressing and damaging issues in stan culture than fanfic.

In conclusion, I don’t think there is anything wrong with creating and consuming RPF, both explicit and non-explicit so long as we:

Remember we are writing fiction

Keep RPF within its appropriate space, and

Do not harass celebrities about their personal lives and relationships

RPF is not for everyone. There may be people who enjoy RPF, but draw the line at explicit stories. This is fine. Everyone has their own personal preferences. What is not fine, however, is attacking people for creating things you don’t like. I’m not sure what kind of moral crusade people are on and what they hope to achieve by shaming writers of RPF, explicit or otherwise. Ultimately, fic authors are writing a fantasy. It’s not real; no one is being hurt. I think it’s important for people to curate their own content, and AO3 makes it very easy to filter out explicit works and unwanted tags.

Maybe this is me trying to justify my own participation in explicit RPF—I don’t know. What I do know is that I love k-pop, and fandom is an important part of my media and entertainment experience. I adore the k-pop idols I write about, and I just want to imagine them being happy and getting lots of love and orgasms. Let a bitch be horny, goddamn…

Some bonus fun facts!

At the time I am writing this, on AO3:

26.2% of Stray Kids fanfics are rated M or E

26.3% of Seventeen fanfics are rated M or E

29.0% of Merlin fanfics are rated M or E

34.9% of Captain America (Movies) fanfics are rated M or E

40.1% of BTS fanfics are rated M or E ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Coincidentally, I saw this post on Reddit this morning: Can we have a RPF positivity post?

#asks #my writing #fic & fandom #I keep coming back to fiddle and add things to this answer #but I think I've said all I wanted to now...

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 6 years ago

Text

Home (Taehyung x You ONESHOT)

A/N: this song is inspired by an uprising band in my country called Insomniacks - Pulang (which means "come back" or "come back home") They started of as a YouTube band and wrote their own songs too! This story is inspired by their MV. If you have spotify you can listen to it, I believe that to all Kpop fans out there, language wont be a barrier to appreciate good music ❤

Also, this story is not finished yet. Think of it as a part 1 if you may. (Its a oneshot actually) I havent finished it yet but I haven posted for such a long time so I just want to post this first. This is not throughly edited yet. will fully edited once I posted the whole thing but hope you enjoy it since im a bit rusty now.

ITS DONE GUYS. ITS THE COMPLETE STORY

Warnings: Rape Scenes

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here. if anyone here like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

MASTERLIST

"What is this story about?" Taehyung lazily thumb through the script on the table in front of him.

"In the nutshell, about an unrequited love. A lot of cheating, hurting and how the main female character gets over it. You will play the man who broke her heart," his manager explains briefly. "I know, I know. Its sounds like a typical love story. But its good exposure for you to start taking roles in a romantic drama. Armys would love that,"

"Hmm, I guess?" Taehyung, still thumbing through, not really believing his manager's words.

"And its also by an award winning writer and publisher. And she will guide the director all the way. Its going to be a hit Tae," his manager desperately tries to convince him once again.

"Yeah? Who is this award winning writer and publisher?" Taehyung looks at him, curious.

"You will surely know her. Shes too famous not to be known by anyone," the manager grins, sure that Taehyung wont say no once he heard the popular name. "Its L/N Y/N,"

"What?" Taehyung turns his head so fast it gives him a whiplash

"L/N Y/N. Shocking right? But your trusty manager manage to get you the role in her movies!"

"Y-Y/N?"

/////

"Y/N!"

Y/N pushes her glasses up her nose as she turns around to the source of the voice and saw one Kim Taehyung walking, no, sauntering over to her like he owns the school. Well, in some way, he really does owns the school. Everyone knows who Kim Taehyung is. Not just in the school, but in the whole town. Granted, its a small town, but Kim Taehyung just leave a mark on everyone he met. Guys wants to be him, or atleast gets close to him and girls will do anything to date him, parents admires him and teachers adores him. People would do anything just so for him to know their name, or even just hearing him call their name, which in some miracle, he is calling hers.

"M-me?" Y/N points to herself as Taehyung flashes her his incredible grin that could melt hearts, hers not an exception.

"Who else princess? I dont know any other Y/N," he smirks and hugs her waist, walking by her side, which turns all eyes on her. If it wasnt her in this surreal position, she would be staring too. Kim Taehyung with his hands around a girl's waist? Even worse, a nobody, nerdy, smarty pants who has her nose in a book all day. The girl who doesnt even have a single friend throughout her high school years?

"I-uh.."

"Speechless?" Taehyung winks. "Well, thats how I feel when I first saw you too princess,"

"W-what?" Y/N makes a sudden stop in the middle of the hallway the moment those words came out from his mouth and pushes her glasses back up on her nose, taking a good hard look at Taehyung who is still smirking at her. "Is this a dream? I'm dreaming arent I?" She lets out a loud laugh. "Yeah, that must be it. I'm dreaming. I'm in my bed right now, under my blankets, in a deep sleep. There is no way Kim Taehyung knows my name, is walking beside me, hugging my waist and calling me princess. Yeah, a dream. Definitely a dream," Y/N babbled on her own and Taehyung cant help but admire how ridiculously adorable she is. Y/N reached out her hand and touched his face. "Even in my dreams you look so ethreal," she smiles. "And you feel so real too,"

Taehyung burst out laughing. Oh wow, she really thinks shes dreaming.

How-freaking-adorable.

He leaned in and whisper to her ears, "Keep on touching me princess, and something else might go down today," he winks as his smirks gets bigger.

Y/N smiles.

"This is really an amazing dream," she giggles. Shaking his head and laughing, Taehyung slowly leans in, one hand cupping her chin and the other holding the back of her neck as his lips softly touches hers. Wide eyed and surprised, Y/N touched her lips once Taehyung pulled away, smiling.

"Still believe its a dream princess?"

"D-did you really just kissed me?" She stuttered, eyes still wide.

"Yes. And theres a lot more where that come from," Taehyung grins and leans in to whisper in her ears, his warm breath grazing her ears, finally making Y/N realized that she is definitely not dreaming, and Kim Taehyung did really just kissed her. "Oh princess? You better believe that all this is real. You are mine now,"

/////

Everything become official so fast. Taehyung was the perfect boyfriend.YN still couldnt believe it sometime. That she is Kim Taehyung's girlfriend. That Kim Taehyung is really, sincerely, happily in love with her.

Their relationship was happy and perfect. Taehyung never gave her any reason to doubt his feelings for her. They are the perfect couple, even her parents approved. Even when Taehyung was accepted as a trainee, something she never thought would happen.. oh who is she kidding, with that face and talent, of course he would get casted, no miracle there. But what is a miracle is how Taehyung's feelings for her never changed even when he is on the brink of fame, stress and debuting.

Things between them only starts to shake when Taehyung starts to get close to another trainee. Beautiful, talented Min Soo. Y/N trusts him, she really does. But theres also a limit on how much a girlfriend can take to see her boyfriend being close to another girl. Especially a beautiful one that matches him in every way.

What is once a peaceful relationship, starts to be filled with fights and doubts. Especially when Taehyung starts to pay more time and attention to Min Soo, under the false excuse of practicing and rehearsing. Dates cancelled everytime Min Soo called has been a norm to Y/N now, but she thought things were different when Taehyung suddenly asks her out on a super romantic date night. She strongly believe that Taehyung is finally realizing his mistake and is making it up to her.

Dressed to the nines and brimming with excitement, Y/N waited for her beloved boyfriend. She almost thought that Taehyung would cancel last minute like he usually does, but he showed up just in time and impecabbly dressed too. The night went well. Great even. Taehyung was romantic, sweet and everything he is when they first met... until Min Soo calls him, asking for his help for a cheaography.

"Really Tae?" Y/N pouts. "Cant you just tell her that we are on a date? You spend all your time practicing, I barely even see you this week,"

"Princess, you know this debut is important to me and Min Soo is helping me. Its only right that I helped her with hers too," Taehyung sighed, too tired to argue. Its like this every single damn time and he is exhausted.

"But Tae.. you promised that this will be our night. Please Tae? Just tonight. Spend it with me?" Y/N hold his hand and looks at his face softly, trying to find back the man Taehyung once were. The man that made her fall so madly in love before.

"This is work. Dont you understand?! You know how important this is to me!" Taehyung sighed, his voice slightly rising.

"I know it is Tae. But arent I important too?" Y/N tries to control her sadness. "I'm only asking for an hour or two. I'm sure Min Soo can wait,"

"Shes important to me Y/N! I need to do this!"

Y/N's mouth hand open. Did he just said what he just said? Did Taehyung really just said she?

"S-he?" She repeated his words. "She as in Min Soo? Shes more important to you isnt she?"

"N-no. You know what I meant. I meant this is important to me! My career! You said you will be supportive Y/N! You know I am doing this for us. For our future!"

"Supportive in your career, yes! Not supportive when your boyfriend is out with.. with.. another bitch!" Y/N yells out. With her good girl reputation, she never cursed. Not once, but she cant handle it anymore. Her heart is breaking with every second they soend arguing.

"What did you call her?" Taehyung growls.

"A bitch! I called her a bitch! Thats what she is Tae! Shes stealing you away from me!" Tears already rolling down her cheeks. Taehyung will usually do anything to make sure Y/N never cries, but apparenty tonight is nit one of those time. This time he is fuming with anger and he dont even know why.

"Y/N, I'm warning you. Dont call her that!"

"Why? Because shes your girlfriend now?! Then what am I? Why are you even with me right now?!"

"God, what part cant you understand. Its fucking work! And work is important to me!"

"Oh bullshit Tae! Just admit it! Its not work thats important! Its Min Soo! Just be a man and admit it!" Tears are no longer containable and is streaming wildly down Y/N's face. Taehyung kept quiet for a while, most probably thinking and after a while, with a sharp glare he opened his mouth.

"She is so much important than you in every way. Can you just please get the hell out of my car?"

/////

"Oh Hyun Joo? What are you doing here? Did Tae sent you here?" Y/N smiles at him as the car stopped by her side and the windows rolled down to show Hyun Joo's big innocent smile. She knew it. There is no way Taehyung would leave her alone like this. Maube it really just work. An emergency. She should make it up to him tomorrow.

"Yeah he did. Come in," Hyun Joo smiles and unlock the door for her to climb in.

Without hesitation and doubt, she climbed into the car. Hyun Joo is Taehyung's best friend. She kust be important to hin if he sent his best friend to get her. The pain fron Taehyung leaving her alone in a dark, unknown place starts to melt away. She just loves him too much. After Taehyung asks her to get out from his car, Y/N was left alone in the dark scary road, far away from anywhere and her phone batteries had ran out. Scared and terrified, she walks along the darkened road, trying to find safety, still believing that Taehyung will come back. Maybe she can make Taehyung treat her to ice cream and a nice date to make up for tonight. She knows she shouldnt be forgiving him so easily, but what can she say. Shes whipped for him. Taehyung is her everythinf. She will forgive him in a heartbeat the moment he apologizes. Lost in thoughts, it took Y/N a while to realized that it has started to rain heavily and Hyun Joo has stopped the car.

"Why are we stopping? Is something wrong?" She looks over at the man, concerned.

"Yeah. We have a flat tire. Sorry, but i have to change it. Do you mind coming out with me and holding the umbrella for me?"

"Of course I will do that," she smiles and gets out in the heavy rain, holding the huge umbrella over the two of them as Hyun Joo crouched down to the tires. After a few minutes of fussing over, he suddenly stands up and turns to face her, eyes dark and changing.

"H-Hyun Joo? Everything okay?"

"Do you even know how beautiful you are?" He hold the handle of the umbrella, hands gripping over hers. "Why is Tae such an idiot? You are a million times better than Min Soo,"

"H-Hyun Joo? Why are you acting like this? I-is everything okay?" Y/N starts to panic. Her heartbeat starts to beat faster as she realized that shes in the middle of no where and no one to help her. But Hyun Joo wont do anything right? He must be playing around. He's Taehyung best friend. This must be a joke. Nothing else. Just a joke.

"Everything is definitely okay, princess," Hyun Joo smirks. The pet name coming out from his mouth sounded so sinister to her ears. "Now that I finally got you alone, everything is more than okay," he grins and grips her hand, pulling her and pushed her into the backseat, making Y/N fall helplessly on the seat, startled. "Why Taehyung huh?! Why Tar princess? I've been waiting for you for years! And one look from that luing, manipulating playboy and you are suddenly head over heels in love with him?!" He yells as he leans in, forcefully trying to kiss her but Y/N tilt her head dodging his face.

"Hyun Joon no! Please dont!" In panic she managed to kick him hard and pushed him before scrambling to the other side and runs out from the other door. Now more enraged from the kick, Hyun Joo chases after her, lust now combined with anger.

"You bitch! You wont get away with this!" Hyun Joon is not the school's athlete for nothing as he catches up with her so easily and drags her back to the car. Although she tried to wriggle and scream, doing everything she can, Hyun Joon is noticably stronger, overwhelming her in a second. "Stop resisting princess and it will be just as enjoyable to you. I can make you feel so much better than Taehyung can,"

Y/N spits in his face as one last attempt and that just resulted in making him angrier, making Hyun Joo pushed her down on the wet, dirt road.

"I tried to be nice to you princess, but you want the rough way huh? You like it rough?" He towers over her and slaps her multiple times, adding a few punches in order to weakens her resistance.

"D-dont please dont. Help. Somebody help!" Y/N screams as loud as she can but the rain drowned out everything. Using his strength, he captured both of her hands and use the other hand to ripped open the top of her dress.

"T-Taehyung... save me. P-please. I'm sorry," was the last thing she managed to whisper out, as tears that streams down her face mixed up with the heavy rain, closing her eyes tight, already numb from the pain and cold, blocking the smirk on Hyun Joo's face from her eyes.

/////

"Its okay. She wont know. And you know you are meant to be with someone like me," Min Soo smile. Shes beautiful, thats for sure. And just like all the other teenage boys out there beauty is everything. So, erasing Y/N entirely from his mind, Taehyung leans in, his lips touching her, hands roaming at the hem of Min Soo's shirt as hers fiddled with his buttons.

Its okay. Y/N wont know a thing.

/////

Taehyung woke up smiling the next day. He had spent an amazing night with Min Soo and he still has his amazing girlfriend. He loves Y/N, he really does. But temptation is everywhere. And he is just a young hot blooded man. All he has to do today is make up to Y/N with some nice date and all will be okay again. He is sure of it. Y/N was never able to resist him. She will forgive him in a heartbeat and everything will go back to the way it was. He is sure Hyun Joo has taken her home safely last night anyway.

However, he cant find Y/N anywhere the next day. He tried calling but her phone is shut down. Is she sick? Maybe. Taehyung will just go and see her after school then. He tries to find Hyun Joo, wanting to know if everything goes well after he asks him to get Y/N, but his best friend is also not in sight.

Weird.

After the first period, rumors starts to buzz that Hyun Joo is arrested, for what, none of the students are sure. Some says murder, some says vandalism, but nothing is for sure. Puzzled, Taehyung tried to get some information about his best friend, but no one tells him anything. Even Hyun Joo's parents refused to speak to anyone or try to clarify things.

More confused about whats going on in school today, Taehyung decided to immediately went off to Y/N's house, knowing he will feel much better the moment he saw her beautiful smile. He definitely didnt expect to be greeted so coldly by Y/N's parents as they opened the door.

"Hi Mr and Mrs L/N. Y/N didnt come to school today so I came to visit her. Is she okay?" Taehyung flashed his signature boxy smile. Y/N's parents loves him and is always welcoming and incredibly warm but something felt off today.

"Stay the hell away from my daughter and dont you ever come back here!" Taehyung was taken aback by what Y/N's father just said to him.

"S-sir?"

"I said get the hell out of here and get out from my daughter's life! What kind of a bastard leave a young girl alone in the dark after he promised her parents that he would take her home safe and sound!" Y/N's father yelled and her mother starts crying, which confuses Taehyung even more. Is he that angry over last night? But he didnt leave her alone. He asks Hyun Joo to pick her up!

"Sir! I'm sorry that I have to bail out from the date last night. But something came up! I-"

"Something came up?!" Y/N's father move forward and grip Taehyung's collar. "After everything that happened last night, your reason is something came up?!" Taehyung's eyes widen. Did her father know about him and Min Soo?

"B-but sir. Can I just please see Y/N? I can explain it to her. I called Hyu-"

"Dont you dare mention that name in front of us ever again!" A powerful punch flies over Taehyung's handsome face, making him fall to the ground. "You and your no good best friend better get out from Y/N's life forever if you dont want to share his jail cell!"

With that the door is slammed shut.

Still as confused as ever, Taehyung tried calling Y/N every day and night for a week but her phone is soon out of reach. And after a week, he is met with the news that Y/N and her whole family has moved away.

Y/N moved away. Without a goodbye or a last I love you, she left. His first true love left.

And all Taehyung can think about is the last thing he ever said to her.

She is more important than you in every way. Can you just please get the hell out of my car?

/////

"Y-Y/N, h-hi. Its been so long," Taehyung stuttered. He cant believe Y/N is standing in front of him right now. His first love, his one true love. He tried to look for her for years and failed miserably. She is still as beautiful as he remembered, making his heart skipped a beat. He cant believe shes here now, and... and.. smiling?

"Hi, I'm Y/N. You must be Kim Taehyung? Its nice to meet you," she lets out a smile so warm, it makes Taehyung's heart flutter as much as it hurts that shes pretending that she didnt know him.

"Y-Y/N, its me. Tae. You dont remember me?" He looks at her confused face. "I-I know seeing me again must be terrible for you, but please, dont pretend like you dont know me,"

Y/N starts to furrow her eyebrows at what he is saying, a confused look etched on her face, giving weird looks to her manager who only looks back at the two of them with sympathy.

"I'm really sorry. I dont know what you are talking about. Did we meet before? Maybe I didnt notice you at an event? I'm sorry, but I really cant recall," Y/N smile politely and smile at him. "I-I mean, I know you are from that famous group. BTS right?" Y/N quickly corrected herself, afraid she might have offended the big superstar. Taehyung looks at her, dumbfounded. How can her sincere smile matched with what she is saying?

"Y/N! Why are you doing this?" Taehyung starts to get frustrated. "How can you not remember me?! We are-"

"I'm sorry Mr. Kim, but I think you should come with me for a moment," her manager interrupt, bowing politely to them and smiling at Y/N. Sighing and defeated, Taehyung followed the manager with no complaint, eager to know whats going on. He leads him to a corner, far away from Y/N's confused looks.

"Mr. Kim? Is it safe for me to assumed that you have known Ms. Y/N from way back? Say.. in her teenage years?" Her manager looks straight at his face.

"Yes!" Taehyung quickly confirmed. "We went to the same school together! In fact, I am her b-" Taehyung stop himself once he realized what hes about to say.

"Yes Mr. Kim?"

"H-her boyfriend," Taehyung admitted defeatedly. "From a long time ago. In high school,"

"Wait!" The manager gasps. "Are you saying you are her boyfriend? From her hometown?"

"Yes! Did she talk about me?" Taehyung's face turned into a smile. Maybe Y/N did still have feelings for him if she told her manager about hin right?

"Uh.. no. Not particularly,"

"O-oh.." Taehyung's reaction immediately darkened. "Then why did you ask?"

"Well, uh Mr Kim. Seeing your reaction, I can safely say that you most probably didnt know,"

"Know what?"

"She didnt talk about you not because shes angry.. or hates you... its uh.. its because she cant remember,"

"Cant remember? What do you mean? It doesnt happen that long ago!"

"Ms Y/N.. well.. she uh.. she lost her memory.."

"What?!" Taehyung was shocked. What is this man saying?

"Miss Y/N was involved in an accident. A very... tragic accident," her manager looks at him with sympathetic eyes.

"W-what do you mean? Tell me!" Taehyung shakes his shoulders. "Tell me right now!"

"Uh well... it happened when she was 16. She uh was left in the middle of the night, in the middle of no where. Her parents said it was her boyfriend back then, but it cant be right? Why would a boyfriend left his girl in the middle of no where,"

Taehyung gulps. Memories of that night starts flashing back like a vivid slideshow.

"And I think the person who left her promised that someone will come and get her, because he really needs to go. An emergency, I think?"

"Okay! I fet it. That bastard left her alone! Can you just get to the bloody point?!" Taehyung is getting impatient, making the manager looks at him weirdly at his massive interest in the story.

"Uh well.. I dont know how long she waited, but it started raining heavily, and that person did come.. but uh.."

"What?!"

"She uh.. got raped,"

"W-what?!" Taehyung feels like his world is spinning. Y/N got raped? B-by who? I-it cant be Hyun Joo right? It just cant be! Oh mu god, is that why he is arrested? "S-she what?" Legs shaky, Taehyung almost collapsed but the manager hold him, worried.

"Are you okay Mr Kim?"

"W-what happened?" Taehyung doesbt care about himself. He just wants to know what happened to his baby.

"Uh well. She was raped when shes 16. It was a dark time for her family. Shes a good student, an amazing one, and a good daughter," her manager sighed "but I guess she mingled with the wrong crowd? S-she didnt just got raped. She was beaten half to death by the assaulter. I guess he did that to weakend her before doing the deed? I figured she must have tried to fight back... but a fragile 16 year old girl against a man?" Her manager looks down sadly. The whole night flashed back like vivid memory in Taehyung's mind. The heavy rain, Min Soo's laughter, kisses, the sin he did that night, how he shuts down his phone and slept so soundly that night. All those happening while Y-Y/N got raped? Y/N must have been so scared.

No. She must have been terrified.

She must have called out his name, but he... he wasnt there to save her.

"After everything is done, she was just left there, to die I guess. The injury on her head and body was so severe the police assumed the assaulter was sure she would die and nobody would find her there,"

That fucking asshole! He left her to die? His Y/N? Taehyung clenched his fist so hard, his nails left marks so deep in his palms.

"But her parents sends out a search party when she didnt come home that night. Her boyfriend's phone was shut down too. When they found her, she was barely alive and keep repeating the assaulter's name before passing out. When she wakes up the next day, Ms Y/N has lost all memory. Every single thing up to that night. She can only remember basic things like her parents and her name The doctor said she was badly traumatized and her mind refused to remember what happened. In order to save their daughter from the pain of remembering, her parents thought that keeping her in the blind is the best thing for her and move away shortly after to create a new memory for her somewhere new," her manager finishes off. "I was assigned to look after her. To make sure nothing triggers the pain again,"

"A-are you saying that.. she doesnt remember anything at all? She doesnt... she doesnt have the slightest memory of.. of me?"

"I'm afraid so yes. Mr Kim.. I'm sorry to say.. but to her, you are nothing but a stranger that she just met today," the manager looks at him. "And.. we would gladly appreciate it if you can keep it that way,"

/////

"Mr Kim? Are you even listening to me?" Taehyung snaps back to reality when Y/N waved her hand in front of him, smiling. "I am sorry. My story must be boring," she laughs. Taehyung shakes his head and smile.

"N-no. Not at all. I- uh.. I was just distracted. Sorry, please continue," he smiles and lets Y/N continue her briefing about her story.

"Okay then. Well.. thats about it. But I havent finish the ending yet. I dont know if the female lead should end up with the main lead. What do you think Mr Kim?" Y/N smiles at him. It breaks his heart every single time she calls him that.

"Uh well.. it depends. Your manager said this is based on a true story? So what is the ending to this story?" Taehyung is curious. The storyline is very familiar to their own love story but Y/N is not supposed to remember anything, right?

"Well... to be honest. Its not entirely based on a true story. Its more like a memory," she smiles.

"A memory?"

Y/N laughs. "This might sound silly to you Mr Kim, but I feel like I have been through it. Maybe its a dream I had? I dont know, but everything feels real," Y/N smiles again. "I'm sorry. Its stupid right Mr Kim?"

"N-no. No. definitely not," Taehyung smiles. "But in this dream if yours.. are you happy with that guy? T-the main lead?"

"Well... again, this might sound so incredibly stupid.. but yeah. I am... very happy," she gave a sad smile. "But sometimes I feel sad when I'm around him in my dream. Its as if he has hurt me but I dont know. How could he when he is just a dream right? I dreamt about him most nights, but he never have a face. In my dreams he calls me princess," Y/N laughs out loud as if to tell Taehyung how stupid her dream is. Taehyung felt his heart beating so rapidly, it almost burst out from his chest. Y/N dreamt about him. That must be him. Taehyung wanted to reached out and touched her hand but the look she gave him, a look of a stranger, of one colleague to another, stops him.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I mean... it must really be a dream. How can I ever be a princess to anyone. I mean, look at me Mr Kim," she giggles again.

"Princess, I love you," Taehyung smiles at her, hands holding hers tight as they sat under the tree in front of the school field. Y/N blushes.

"I-I... uh," she looks down, face red as a tomato. Its the first time Taehyung ever said I love you to her. "I love you too Taehyung. I really do,"

"Awwww, is my princess blushing?" Taehyung smiles and squeezes her cheeks.

"No I am not!" Y/N blushes hard and hits his chest playfully. "And I am definitely not a princess. How can I be anyone's princess. I mean, look at me Taehyung,"

"Well, I am looking and you are beautiful, just like a princess. My princess," Taehyung smiles and leans in softly, kissing her under the tree as the wind blow softly.

"I am looking Y/N," Taehyung whispers softly, his deep gaze boring holes into hers, setting Y/N's heart on fire. "And you are beautiful. Just like a princess," My princess.

/////

"How is shooting going hyung?" Jungkook invites himself to sit besides Taehyung, slurping on his banana milk as Jimin joins in. "I miss you. I dont see you around anymore. Why do you always leave earlier than you need to abd come back later than usual?" The maknae pouts.

"The brat is right Tae," Jimin chimed in, earning a glare from Jungkook. "Stop glaring at me Kook. You dont look that intimidating with banana milk all over your face," Jimin rolls his eyes and turns back to Taehyung. "You are not ditching us for a bunch of "Hwarang Hyungs 2.0" right?!" Jimin starts to panic. As far as he knows, Taehyung co- star is a girl this time. They are not losing him again right?

"No I am not! And stop being jealous of my hyungs. You will always be my best friend Chim," Taehyung winks. "Theres no hyungs this time... but..."

"Oh my god! Are you dating your co- star?!" Jungkook exclaimed with excitement. "Are you finally teaching me how to date? I dont want to learn with the other hyungs, their methods of dating are too x rated," Jungkook scrunched his nose.

"First of all, you are too young to date, so I am not teaching you anything,"

"I am only two years younger than you! And taller than Jimin-hyung!" Jungkook protest.

"Yah! What does height has to do with anything?!" Jimin threw a pillow towards the maknae and Taehyung laughs.

"And two, I am definitely not dating my co- star. I dont even have the slightest interest in her. But... I am trying to date the writer,"

"What?!" Both boys are surprised by Taehyung's bold admittance.

"Oh I didnt tell you? The writer is Y/N,"

"Y.. Y/N?" Jimin tapped his chin, trying to remember the familiar name. "Isnt that the girl from your trainee years? The one you still kept a photo of in your wallet? Shes the writer?!"

"Yeah... and the story I'm staring in is our love story Chim.. but Y/N.. she doesnt remember..."

/////

After spending the next few hours explaining to Jimin and Jungkook about Y/N and what had happened to her, Taehyung was forced to spend the next few hours being scolded and called stupid by his other hyungs after the two loud mouth runs over to Namjoon's studio and tells the leader the whole story, which leads to the whole band knowing which of course means a family meeting where Taehyung was burned at the stake.

"Okay now that we are done telling him what a dumbass he is," Namjoon sighs and turns to him, giving him another smack at the back of his head, "what are you planning to do? Nothing too dumb please?"

"Hyung, I am not dumb!" Taehyung protests.

"Well, all your action so far showed you are," the older man rolls his eyes.

"Fine.. but.. now that I found her again... I want Y/N back. Its fine if she doesnt remember me hyung, I just want to redeem myself. I-," Taehyung sighs. "I still love her. I never stopped loving her. I have been trying to look for her since she moved. Now that I have found her, I need to make her fall in love with me again,"

/////

"Andddd cut! Good job Tae! Thats all for today, see you guys tomorrow!" The director shouted and everyone bows to each other, off to end their long tiring day. Taehyung's eyes immediately spotted Y/N who is packing her bags, ready to leave and rushed over.

"Y/N!"

"Oh Mr Kim, hello," Y/N bows and Taehyung gives out a unsincere smile. He hates it when Y/N treated him so formally, like a stranger. He knows that is exactly what he is to her, but he cant help but remembers all the memories and little things they shared years back. The way she laughs, the way her eyes lighted up when she saw him, the excitement on her face wheb she saw him walking towards her, her giggles and blush when he told her how pretty she is...

"Hello Y/N," he smiles. "Going back already?"

"Yeah I guess," Y/N picks up her bag and starts walking slowly. "But I just need to stop by somewhere first. It has been a looong day for me. And when I had a long day I usually stops for-"

"Ice cream," Taehyung finishes her sentence with a smile.

"Oh my god, how did you know?!" Y/n squeals, amazed and surprised at the same time. "How can you know that ice cream is what I needed Mr Kim?"

"Its a looong day for me today Taetae," Y/N pouts. "I had back to back exams, my english teacher is mean, I lost my science assignment and had to redo it and the history teacher decides to do a pop quiz! I just want to crawl to bed Taetae,"

"Not yet princess. Im not gonna let my princess go back home all stress out okay?" Taehyung flashes his boxy smile and grabs her hand.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere that can put a smile back on my princess' beautiful face," he covers her eyes and uncovers it when they reached the shop. "Ice cream! My treat princess,"

"Well... I think, from now on, everytime I had a long day, I will always go for ice cream then," Y/N giggles as she gigs into her ice cream. Taehyung smile, looking at his beautiful princess smiling so happily. He would give everything for her to always be happy "How do you know that ice cream is what I needed Taetae?"

"Because ice cream is the sweetest thing that can even come close to a sweet princess like you," Taehyung winks, making her blush.

"I love you Tae," Y/N giggles. "I dont knkw what I'll do without you in my life. You are my home. No matter how lost I am, I'm okay, as long as you are a part of me. I love you," Y/N leans in across the table and kisses him, and Taehyung has never tasted anything sweeter.

"Mr Kim? Hello?" Y/N waves her hand, taking Taehyung back to the present, his eyes gleaming with unshed tear from the memory. "Boy, you really dazes out a lot. Am I that boring?" Y/N giggles.

"No, definitely not boring. You were saying?"

"I was just asking. How do you know that ice cream is what I needed after a long day?"

"Because ice cream is the sweetest thing that can even come close to a sweet princess like you," Taehyung stares deep into her eyes as he said it, her blushing form is a duplicate of that day, years ago, he almost expecting her to say she loves him again.

Just like that day.

But instead Y/N smiles at him.

"Want to come with me and get ice cream then?"

/////

Y/N dont know why he enjoys every little second he spent with Kim Taehyung. He is handsome, thats for sure, but Y/N is pretty sure that is aesthetics is not what makes her heart beats faster than it should. Theres just something about him.

Something... familiar.

She feels happy. And sad at the same time. She feels likes she knows him. She feels as if shes... home.

They had a good time at the icr cream parlour. Taehyung told her a lot of stories about his adventures with his band mates, but he seems to always avoid talking about his past, and Y/N is not one to pry. Afterall, they are strangers, Taehyung is not obligated to tell her anything.

"So Mr Kim, I am guessing you dont have the chance to go out like this often? You know, with you being a universal star and all?" Y/N giggles.

"Yeah. We dont go out like this often. But when we do, we usually go out with each other," he smiles and watch Y/N digged into her ice cream. Cookies and cream, still the same flavor. "You know... we are practically friends now, and we are the same age. Why dont you call me Tae? Or... Taetae? I mean.. I already call you Y/N,"

"T-tae?"

"Yeah," he smiles. "Or Taetae,"

"T-taetae?" The moment that nick name rolled off Y/N's tounge, a surge of vision enters her mind, causing extreme pain in her head.

"Call me Taetae now princess, I am afterall your boyfriend," the faceless man smiles and kisses her forehead. "And thats a special nickname only you can use,"

"Hey Y/N are you okay?!" Taehyung immediately stands up and went to her side when she starts holding her head.

"Y-yeah. I just got a sudden headache. Maybe its a brain freeze from the ice cream," she tries to smile but Taehyung is having none of it.

"Let me send you home okay?" Y/N nodded weakly and Taehyung made sure that she has safely arrives before saying goodbye.

"Take care okay. And take a day off tomorrow if you need it alright?"

"Alright. But I think I will be okay," she smiles and bows. "Thanks. And goodbye.. Taetae..."

Taehyung's face light up the moment she calls out his name, making Y/N blush and rushed inside.

Taetae... why does it sounds so familiar. Who are you Taehyung-ah?

/////

Taehyung was on cloud nine since that ice cream date. Y/N calls him Tae, or Taetae. No more that Mr Kim bullshit, and they spend a lot of time together now. He even had the chance to bring her to lunch to meet the members and of course, just like he expected, they all love her. Taehyung even thinks the maknae is seriously in love with her, but no way in hell hes going to let that happen.

Y/N is his.

Atleast she will be again.

"Miss Y/N, Mr Kim, we will finally be meeting with the actress who played the woman you will be cheating with Mr Kim. We are sorry her scenes has to be delayed because of her her overseas schedule," the production crew informs them as they were having a break. Break time on set is Taehyung's favorite time, because he can pulls his chair and sits besides Y/N, sharing the lunch Seokjin made for him or his manager bought for him, since he refuses to eat outside anymore if Y/N didnt come with . Every second with Y/N is heaven to him and he hope she will still want to stay in touch even after their filming ends.

He cant lose her again. He just cant.

"Oh its fine. I heard shes a good actress, so she can keep up with the filming right?" Y/N asks.

"Yes. Shes a very good actress. Actually Mr Kim, you know her quite well. She used to train with your company before,"

"Oh really?" Taehyung raised an eyebrow. The only trainee he knew that turns into an actress from his training days is...

"Taetae!" Min Soo shouted from the door the moment she saw him, pushing her sunglasses up her forehead.

"M-Min Soo?" Taehyung was taken by surprised as Y/N lifted her head to see the actress who just entered. Upon seeing her face and her excitement in hugging Taehyung, a rush of memories flooded her mind and in a matter of second, Y/N was passed out on the floor, the last thing she hears was the voice of the faceless man in her dreams calling her name.

"Y/N!"

/////

Taehyung rushed to her hospital room, dropping his coffee once the doctor informed him that Y/N is awake. The moment he swing ooens the door, he was greeted wirh Y/N leaning up straight on the bed, glaring at him, face drenched with tears.

"Y-Y/N... y-you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? The doctor says y-"

"Get. Out,"

Taehyung's blood run cold as he heard the icy tone of her voice. What happened? Why is she suddenly like this? Did she forgets him again?

"Y-Y/N? Its me. Taehyung. Tae. Taetae? Y-you dont remember me?"

"No. I remember everything," Y/N starts to sobbed. "I remembered everything now Taehyung! Get out! I dont want to see you! Out!" Y/N yells, throwing whatever she could reached from her bed side and throw it at the dumbfounded Taehyung.

"Y/N no! Baby please. Let me explain!" Taehyung dodge her throws and try to reached oit for her hand but she immediately pull away.

"Explain? Explain?!" She yelled. "You ruined my life Taebyung! I gave you everything! I loved you with every part of me and you left me?! Do you even know?! Do you even know what he did to me?!" Y/N sobs starts to get uncontrolable, sobbing her eyes out. If Taehyung could hurt himself so Y/N's pain would lessen, he would do it. He would do anything to go back to that night and do it all over again. He would treat her right. He would cherish her. He would already be married to her right now.

"Y/N please-"

"He raped me Taehyung!" She sobs. "I remembered everything now. I remembered the pain when he slaps me, punch me. The cold rain on my face. His disgusting face as he.. as he..." Y/N sobs even louder and Taehyung wants nothing more than to kill Hyun Joo if he wasnt already in prison serving his time. "I called your name Taehyung. I called you over and over again. I keep saying I'm sorry. I thought if I didnt pissed you off about Min Soo, if I just apologizes, you would come back. You would come back and save me from that... that monster," she continues to sobs. "B-but you didnt. A-and he keep... he keeps hurting me. H-he keeps touching me. Where were you Taehyung? Where were you?!" Y/N shouted one last time before throwing the flower vase on the bed side, only inches away from Taehyung's head.

Taehyung knew he dont need to answer. Y/N dont really want to know where he is that night. She already knows. But he feels like he needs to explain it to her. To tell her that leaving her that night was the biggest mistake of his life. That saying all those things to her that night... he regrets it all. He wants to tell her he loves her, that he loves her still, that he will protect her now. That he will spend forever to make it up to her.

But everything got stuck in his throat.

"Y/N... I-"

"Get out," her voice cold, eyes closed.

"Y/N, I need t-"

"I said get out Taehyung. Get out, get out, get out, GET OUT!"

Her hysyeric screams finally attracts the nurses and before he could say anything else, Taehyung is escorted out. He was never allowed to visir her ever again, and although Y/N didnt ask for Taehyung or Min Soo to be pulled out fron the movie, she never again make an appearance on set.

Taehyung was lost.

Without Y/N he was lost.

And thats when he realizes, Y/N is his home. All these years he keeps holding on. Living life day by day, feeling empty and lost, because at the back of his mind he is still looking for her, looking for a way back. A way back home.

But what is he to do now when his home dissapeared?

Y/N is his home. And he needs to go back. No matter what it takes.

/////

"Today is the last day of the filming. You sure you dont want to go and visit the set? Say thankyou to the crew?" Y/N's manager sat besides her, patting her back.

"I'll just send them a fruit basket. We will do another dinner without the actors one day. Satisfied?"

Her manager sigh and give a sad smile to her.

"Y/N... I know its hard... getting your memories back like that. I know you feel as if all the people that are close to you have been lying to you. But you know we did it to protect you right?"

Y/N looks down and fiddled with her fingers. She actually understands. She really understands it. She herself hopes that she wouldnt remember.

"I know oppa... but... I'm not mad at you. Or eomma or appa... but..."

"You are mad at Taehyung?"

Y/N keep silence, knowing that her manager really knows her best.

"Listen... I dont know exactly what went down between the two of you, but I have put some of the puzzle pieces together. Starting from his reaction in the first day you were introduced to him. I dont know much Y/N... but I know that he loves you," Y/N raised her head at that. "And you... you love him too,"

"What?! No way! I dont!"

"Y/N... you can try to lie to yourself, but you cant lie to me," her manager smiles. "Dont you ever wonder why you only dream happy things about the faceless man? Y/N those dreams... they are not dreams. They are your memories. Memories of you and Taehyung. Happy memories. No matter how hard your mind tries to rejects him by refusing to remember, your heart still remembers him Y/N. Now... just remember back all your dreams.. and remember it hard. You will see that the faceless man is Kim Taehyung, and you will understand that the feelings you had is happiness, love and missing him. Find it in your heart to forgive him Y/N and give yourself a chance to be happy. A home is never perfect, nor does it only give you happiness. A home is a place where you can feel comfortable. It can be a mess, it doesnt have to be perfect, it has its flaws, but its yours. Taehyung is your home Y/N. Come back home and be happy. Thats all I want for you," her manager, who is more like a brother to her gives her a tight hug and leaves, letting Y/N be alone with her messy thoughts.

Y/N sat alone, pondering the words of her oppa that has known her ever since the incident. Who has been by her side, guiding her through her career. Just remember back all your dreams.

Y/N closes her eyes and collect back all her dreams about the faceless man. The faceless man who makes her heart beats faster in her dreams. The faceless men who kisses tastes so sweet, who words can make her smile for days.

"Princess, I love you,"

"Awwww, is my princess blushing?"

"Well, I am looking and you are beautiful, just like a princess. My princess,"

"Not yet princess. Im not gonna let my princess go back home all stress out okay?"

"Somewhere that can put a smile back on my princess' beautiful face,"

"Ice cream! My treat princess,"

"Because ice cream is the sweetest thing that can even come close to a sweet princess like you,"

"I love you princess,"

"You are mine now princess,"

"You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen princess,"

Y/N remembers back every single dream he ever had about that faceless man. He always calls her princess. His princess. But its different this time. This time she remembers. She remembers herself, looking back up into the faceless man's deep gaze and smile...

"I love you Kim Taehyung,"

Its Taehyung. Its really is Taehyung. All this while she thought ahes having a fantastic dream of her faraway soulmate. Maybe ut is her soulmate, but he is not that faraway. Not at all. All this while, it was her heart telling her to remember him. To remember Taehyung and all their memories together.

Without hesitation, she grabs her jacket ans ran out not noticing anyone arounds her until she bumps into someone.

"Ow! Look where you are going!"

"You look wh- Y/N?"

Standing in front of her is Kim Taehyung. The faceless man. Her soulmate. Her home.

And she doesnt know what to do but to turn back the other way when Taehyung pulls her hand and stops her.

"Dont go. I am not letting you leave ever again. You can hate me, hit me, kill me, I dont care, I just want to be with you and never ever leave you again," Taehyung pulls her into a tight hug. "Y/N... I love you. I never stop and theres not a second went by that I dont regret that night. You dont have to take me back, but I wont ever leave your side. Ever again. I love you. I love you. I love you,"

Y/N stays in his hug for a moment, tears wetting the front of his shirt. How is it that the man who hurt her so much makes her feel so safe and like she belongs? Is it true what her oppa said?

Is Taehyung really her home?

That one place that is fully hers?

"I-its hard," Y/N sniffles, voice muffled in his tight hug. "I-I understand why my mind refuses to remember you Tae. But my heart is stronger. It wanted me to remember," she sniffles louder, making Taehyung released the hug to look at her face. "I love you Taehyung. There was never a second that I stopped loving you. Even when my mind dont remember, my heart does. I love you too much that what you did hurts me to the core. But I cant live like this anymore. I cant live under the shadows of my past, because between the hurt you gave me, you are also my happiness. I choose to remember. I dont want to forget anymore. It hurts yes, its painful, yes. But I know it now Tae. I know why I always feel so empty even when I cant remember anything. Its because I was never home Taehyung. I need to feel alive again. I need to come home..."

Taehyung looks at her, eyes gleaming with tears from the knowledge that he has hurt the only person he has ever love to beyond repair. He didnt quite understand what Y/N is saying, but whatever it is, he swears he will do anything to make it up to her.

"Tell me what you need me to do Y/N. I'll bring you home. Whatever you need, I'll do it baby. I'll do anything,"

"Tae... you dont understand," she giggles through her tears. "I want to come home. Taehyung...you are my home. And its a mess, a messy, unorganized, abandoned home.. but its mine. Its my home and I wouldnt want to be anywhere else, Taehyung,"

"And wherever you are baby, I will follow. I will never ever leave you alone ever again. Because right here," he points to her heart," is where my home is. I love you..."

Taehyung looks at her with eyes filled with love and determination to make her forget every little pain she ever faced. He will give her the best home she could ever dream of. A home filled only with love, laughter and happiness. And as he leans in to capture her lips, Y/N can feel it too.

"My princess, my home, my everything,"

#bts #bangtan #bangtan seonyeondan #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts tae #bts taehyung #kim taehyung #BTS v #taehyung scenario #taehyung fanfic #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario

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demyrie · 6 years ago

Note

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult.

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it.

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life.

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us.

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there.

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too.

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

#just another mission #jam #demyrie writes #personal #abuse #stalking #emotional manipulation #i would say p/edophilia but this site doesnt know what that means and this isnt it either so how about abuse of a minor #recovery #mental health #suicidal ideation #triggers #Anonymous

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homeofjonicles · 2 years ago

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Not A Goodbye, More Of A "I'm Currently Too Hyperfixated On A Scruffy Australian Man At The Moment To Have Motivation For The Jonicles"

(^^ i recently did a file move and thats one of the only Garfield images that's not on my other hard drive. beautiful, is it not? look at Jon go!!)

Hey all, Your Local Jonnoissuer here. It is currently the 19th of November, 2022 at 7:48 pm, and it's day #184 today! However, from what you could probably tell from the title, this isn't an entry of 'The Jonicles', it's a note.

I'm gonna cut to the chase; at the moment, I'm not really that fixated on Jon at present. Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely adore this man with all my heart and I still love Garfield as a franchise!!! Jon still means a lot to me and I'm glad I spent over 6 months going gaa-gaa about him, he's awesome! But like,, I'm kinda not fixated on him at the moment and I just wanted to say that 'The Jonicles', as a series, has always been a self-indulgent thing. I wrote it and still write it for the sake of my love for Jon and for shits and giggles. I posted them to Tumblr because I thought it'd be funny and I wanna document this bizarre fixation on this loveable dork we call Jon. That also means I don't have like... any schedule for when I write stuff, I just kinda do y'know? But FYI, the blog's gonna stay up, but I'm gonna pause the counter when this goes up because I've got a new hyperfixation..!

It's Jetpack Joyride I'm fixated on! More specifically, I'm fixated on Barry Steakfries, the main character of the series of games he's present in. The reason? I think I just remembered the game existed suddenly, kinda like how I remembered Jon, downloaded the game again and, well, now I have an insey-winsey, teenie-weenie little crush on Barry... This happens.... A lot.... Which is weird because I'm demiromamtic and I've only had small crushes on like two guys in person but I get really attached to a lot of fictional characters pretty quickly and it feels like I've actually gotten to know them and have a deep emotional bond with them prompting the attraction....!?!?!?!? And I mean you can't blame me, Barry is one hunk of a dude, have you seen this man? Man's built like a square, he's so relatable and so adorable and I wanna see him and Jon go jetpacking together. Imagine that becomes a crackship.... Unless.......

But uhhh yeah! Back around October I recently watched 'Garfield Gets A Life' (really good special by the way its adorable jon is adorable go watch it) and I was planning to make an entry, and like I wanted to, but strangely enough, the obligation to write it made me not want to, so like... I didn't! But I kinda wanna? I dunno, I feel like I just kinda wanna let stuff go, y'know? Just enjoy my fixations, let things phase into each other, just go with the flow of my autistic-ass brain.

I didn't mean for this to be long as hell, but TL;DR, currently hyperfixated on funny jetpack riding australian dude, i still love Jon and The Jonicles is self-indulgent! That's really all. Until I post again, well, we'll see. It's up to me really. I didn't expect anyone to ever see this blog, but if you found it interesting, weird, funny, anything, then thanks, man! I'm scared of the possibility of this blog ever getting any semblence of popularity, but it's still cool that someone's seen it and it makes them feel something. I saw the person who drew art of Emo Jon and I felt that it was really neat, and I'm flattered that a silly edit I made inspired them!! It's really nice art!!

So with that said, until then...

Cheers,

Your Local Jonnoissuer

Last edited at 8:12 pm. :)

Posted on the 19th of November, 2022 at 8:19 pm.

#kinda important?#itd be really funny if i wrote this like i was cheating on jon #JON IM SO SORRY I WOULD NEVer #BUT BARRY STEAKFRIES WAS TOO HUNKY #im not sure what else to put here... peepeepoopoo #thank you guys though :) you're pretty swell!!

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medievalcat · 6 years ago

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ok. I finished Children of God (sequel to The Sparrow), and while I was able to follow it better than when I first read it (I think I was really distracted a few years ago, and had trouble focusing).....I didn’t like it as much as the first one, which I’m aware isn’t an unpopular opinion, even though I didn’t hate all of it. Here are my thoughts on why it didnt work imo and what I did like about it.

The Sparrow would naturally be a hard act to follow, and I get that sometimes sequels do different things than the first installations. book one is about Emilio and book two is about Rakhat. Okay. I think there’s a lot of interesting material that could have been made of Emilio, John, and all the new guys visiting Rakhat years after the first expedition. It’s what the author did- and, really, this was present in the first book as well, and one of the first book’s issues, but here it’s really one of the main points of the story and far more prominent than ever before- that didn’t succeed. It’s the story of Rakhat....but given how Rakhat is written, maybe it shouldnt have been. This book honestly ranged from “enjoyable” to “disappointing” to “implicitly or explicitly expressing horrible views”.

It’s one thing to make an oppression storyline in a fantasy setting- FMA for example does this. But in that, the victims are humans. In this, not only does the story do an oppression narrative about fantasy creatures, which is already a very difficult thing to pull off, she repeatedly draws comparisons between nonhuman aliens and things like the Holocaust and genocide and oppression of Native Americans. She even has her one native character draw this comparison and *stay behind on another planet instead of going to earth* for some “reservation” plotline at the end. This is a good example of why when we criticize media sometimes we have to focus specifically on the writers who choose to make these events happen, who choose to write certain stories and who choose to frame them in certain ways. I’m kind of glad this book doesn’t have a fandom, really, because tumblr types would focus on which aliens’ side is “right” and not on the fact that the author chose to write some fantasy creature oppression story with incoherent imperialism commentary while trivializing real genocides. I remember a really uncomfortable paragraph in the first one that implied the Ottoman Empire was some kind of safe haven for all ethnic/religious groups as well as a line (keep in mind these were written in the 90s) about how Bosnia is violent because of ............ “blood feuds”. Many people have said this story is weak because it focused on these new alien characters and the Rakhat storyline so much. This, for me, is the main reason why that storyline was so weak.

One thing I liked was some of the new characters. I liked Danny and Joseba and Nico and Sean and Gina and Pope Gelasius. I think this book kind of did a “later season of Vikings” so that there were suddenly all these new people but few of them got good development. So that was a weakness but I didn’t mind many of the characters in and of themselves and enjoyed these new additions. Sure they weren’t like the people in the first book but that’s okay. They added new perspectives. Danny had a lot of interesting stuff about forgiveness that I liked. I also liked initially how Sofia was revealed to be alive but....she was shafted. We barely see her in favor of her badly offensively written written son (I know this was written 20 years ago but. the way he and his disability are portrayed as like...literally “alien” even though ths is supposed to be a “positive”.... is honestly....why the living fuck did she do this....) and Supaari’s daughter who he CONCEIVED FROM RAPE and we’re just supposed to be ok with that bc the author very conveniently wrote the victim to be as unsympathetic as possible and because “uwu miracle of life!! yay children!” I’m supposed to buy that Sofia, a child trafficking survivor, is allies and friends with a man who not only is a rapist but sold a person she loved into sex slavery.......after the narrative called to attention how similar Sofia and Emilio’s experiences were, and the first book was an imperfect story but a deep introspective exploration of the effects of SA.....lol ok. And then she gets killed off at the end offscreen in a single sentence.

There’s also....I really doubt she intended some of this but it’s clearly in the story .... it really has bad implications, that the only relations between men are abusive in both books. there are literally no other relations between men, even though there is a gay character (who I understand is a celibate priest, and having a gay priest is cool!) but....it just doesnt have good implications that relations between men are only ever presented as bad. especially because the thing that truly “heals” Emilio is being with a woman and I think in our society (and thus our media) we have a real problem with thinking that “healing” as a sexual abuse victim means having sex with a man if youre a woman and with a woman if you’re a man, and that male sa victims of men are only really victims if they like women (and, of course, women sa victims in general just have to like men). Of course there is nothing wrong with Gina, I loved her, and nothing is wrong with writing an sa survivor who is able to have a relationship after. But MDR killed her off for no good reason. The other crew members dying in the first book, those were well written character deaths. and how many times did she do the “this woman died but thats whatever narratively, because she has a kid uwu miracle of life” thing in this sequel. I think MDR is like GRRM in that she has good intentions clearly, and has such good sff works/characters and takes oh the Human Experience and everything, but doesn’t always know how to handle issues in a responsible way and it’s really glaring even if there are obviously worse people in media. To be honest (and again, here Im glad there’s no fandom, because people are so weird about this stuff) MDR should have just had Emilio and John be together. “Your friendship should have been proof enough of God” ???????? hello?????? Their relationship was one of the things that actually was well fleshed out in the sequel until John and all the other guys who weren’t in the Camorra just.....stayed on Rakhat forever.

Part of the handling of Sofia seemed like a broader pattern of the plot being completely forced. Everything happens for some sake of The Plot- this is something later seasons of GOT have been criticized for. This plot in particular, in addition to the alien oppression metaphor, seemed to want to make everything about the story in particular its end be some kind of “bookend” to mirror the first book. Sofia dies (for real this time. honestly....her death in the first one was good writing!), Emilio and his unlikely escorts go home, no one else gets to go home, there’s a huge societal upheaval on Rakhat because of the humans, a huge reveal about Rakhat’s “divine” music. I have nothing against this kind of narrative device but when it’s this forced to the point where the story is blatantly constructed for the sake of this......it didn’t work. The “music” plot twist was like..............really??? All of that? They’re staying on this planet? If they had all gotten more time in the story (because this book is the same length as the first book but has far more different subplots and far longer of a timespan and far more narrators) we might find that more plausible. I don’t think everything needs to be spelled out for us. In the first book when everyone is stranded, it’s clear that they think this is tragic, but they are trying to make the best of it because they all love each other and are together. In this one they don’t all have that kind of bond and it’s dependent on the long-winded and incoherent Rakhat political storyline. Because a lot of it isn’t even that well developed in addition to the earlier addressed things. We go between random one-off characters. So much is about the war but it’s written so anti-climatically. Sofia broke down in the first book when she learned they were stranded, and now she doesn’t care at all about returning back to Earth because the Runa are “her people” now, but how much of that is really what she tells herself to cope with what she lost- and what she experienced on earth in her youth? we don’t know. The Pope just....sent Emilio who became probably the most infamous person on Earth, back into space, and it wasn’t a big deal for the Church or at all? And all it took for it to happen was a handful of Camorra men with Vatican connections, who were just adapted so well to space travel and extended time on a new planet that initially made the people in the first book sick when transitioning into life there? And let me reiterate we’re supposed to accept that the divinely ordained reason all this happened was because Isaac wrote music inspired by human and alien dna and it sounded wonderful?

This just felt very forced. “Emilio never wants to go back to Rakhat so obviously this book has to be about how he goes back there and accepts that it actually happened for a Good Reason bc of some music, and music was the way they found it in the first place.” How about how he accepts that it happened and comes to terms with what happened to him without either hating himself for his actions or thinking it was all For The Greater Good Actually, because you cant undo the past, aka what the first book was building up to and culminated in? idk. the first book was all about how bad things happen and that this doesn’t mean we have to give up our faith even if we question our faith. this was more like “every cloud has a silver lining lol”.

There were many nice things- Emilio’s friendship with Nico, many of the moments with Sofia towards the end and her reuniting with Emilio, John getting more to do, the new Pope, Celestina ending up having an important job as a theater and leaving a trail of men in her wake lol. I don’t want to say don’t read this. But if you like the first book you might not like this one, and if you’re considering reading the first book, it.....works best as a standalone.

#i say things #book blogging #given that this talks about uh certain Things i'd prefer no reblogs lol

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ts-autumns-world · 3 years ago

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ROP

As promised here are the rites of passage that Captain, Jinx, and Mikki wrote for the cast!

All of Jinx’s Messages: https://youtu.be/kbk2GI6nW-E

Captain: hey khalid! its been a short 4 days with you but i know that ur such an amazing person and u have such a bubbly personality. i do wish we get to know each other more.. its a bit sucky that your schedule kinda prevented you from being a bit more active :((

Mikki: KHALID I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS BUT I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO BE FIRST BOOT. i really didn’t. You were so busy at the beginning and we didn’t talk a lot but the little time we did have talking to each other made me see how calm and good it felt to talk to you. I had such a good feeling and really wanted you to stay around longer but unfortunately it wasn’t anything i could do on my own. I hope we get another opportunity to get to know each other properly.

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Captain: we didn't meet each other in this game but i hope u had a fun time even though its short! and hopefully, we'll see each other around the community mwah!

Mikki: we never got to meet but you seem genuinely fun and i’m sad i never got to meet you!!!! I’m sorry we sent jinx to the outhouse during the tribal you were voted out on. Idk if them being there would have helped at all but ashjsajhasjh if it would have i’m sorry!!!!

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Captain: i've seen you around but we haven't rlly talked/met each other yet. u seem to be amazing and i hope we'll get to play together some day

. Mikki: i’m also sad we didn’t get to meet!!!!!! You really seemed super active and i’ve never seen you around before so i was hoping our paths would cross but unfortunately that never happened :((

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Captain: we haven't been able to meet so its such a missed opportunity to not get to play together. you seem to be very cool! hope u had fun in autumns world

Mikki: it was so nice to talk to you and i feel so bad about how unlucky you got in the tribe swap but i had to do what i needed to to keep my tribe and grey safe like i wanted.

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Captain: OMG BENJ sobs... urgh i wish you made the merge so that we could meet each other again and our trio of you/me/mikki would have streamrolled the season! i enjoyed every conversation we had and u rlly are such a dedicated player. and u deserved the BEST!! i wish you the best and i hope to see you around in the community and maybe we'll get to play together and go the end together WOOO! urgh.. ur so sweet sobs...

Mikki: *takes a deep breath* this is going to be the hardest one to write. And i don’t even know what to say because nothing i do say will properly express how fortunate i am that we got to actually properly meet and talk!!!!!! And become friends LIKE BENJ I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH and i’m so sad at how robbed you were. You were genuinely my number one and i looked forward to talking to you constantly every day. Talking to you was so easy and our plans for the future of the game MADE ME SO EXCITED and i was so ready to play with you and make moves and have fun and go far together. Your elimination made me really sad and i was in a big funk for a long time after and even at my worst in like f6 when i was ready to give up, autumn would ask me “what would benj say” and that one question made me snap out of it and fight further. When i found an idol at f5 and got to play it all i could think about was when you told me you wanted to find an idol to bring it to me to show me and i’m just :SOB: we really got robbed in getting to play together in merge and i really hope we get another chance to. I wish i did more to protect you. I should have done more and it was my biggest regret since. Thank you for being an incredible ally to me and reminding me what i love the most about games: making genuine friendships that mean more to me than the game itself. Ilysm <3

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Captain: i know we didn't end very well on cow and thats kinda the main thing that made me not fully trust you in this game. its probably my bad cause i think you really wanted to work with me but i mean in our short time here, we did work together! good luck with everything in your life blake!

Mikki: blake!!! It was so fun to play with you while we could. I’m sorry you felt so left out in the tribal we had together before you went out but i hope you understand it wasn’t anything personal and i really did just assume you and raffy were close. I’m sorry for not trusting you more.

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Captain: awww Lily! i rlly enjoyed our conversation! like you were the one that i felt that our conversation just flew naturally and i loved how u tried to talk to me and ur just the sweetest!! i'm happy we met here cause ur literally so cool and so nice. u have this calming energy that i don't know how to explain dsfsdfsdfdsf. but YEA!! i hope u feel the same way as me and hope to see you around in the community!!

Mikki: ahhhhh right before you left you told me that we will see if i made the right choice with who i sided with and sahsajhjhjas i like to think i did??? and i hope you agree. You were so so so kind and i’m sad we didn’t get to know each other before merge, i had to make a gut instinct kind of choice and it sucked that i had to make it so soon. I wonder how differently things would have been if i voted with og llih instead and kept you safe. You fought til the very end and it inspired me so much

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Captain: RAFFY! we were such a perfect pair when u told me ur also tired of talking to ppl dfsdfsdfsdf thats a big mood! urgh.. i rlly wish u could've gone a bit further because ik u trusted me a lot and i also trusted you... in some way just because i had other alliances. i tried so hard to save you but yea it didn't succeed. i hope ur doing great and hopefully we'll meet again

Mikki: screams RAFFY I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW OR NOT BUT this whole season i’ve had one burning question on my mind Does Raffy Remember Me? BECAUSE we played together in a game once before but i didn’t REALISE it was you at first so we both said it was nice to meet each other but then i realised it was you !!!!! from bb glass but i never knew if you knew it was me or not and i didn’t bring it up because HJASHJASJH I WAS WORRIED IDK IT WAS JUST an ongoing thing and became kind of a meme and i’m so excited to know the answer. But anyways ashjashjs i’m sorry for trying to vote you out but i really meant it when i said i wanted to play with you after. I wish we could have!!! I wanted us to have a redemption arc and be allies for real so badly. But my alliance with jinx and chris changed their votes to you and were so paranoid but i think they just didn’t want to vote out grey HJASJHASJH and i ended up caving out of fear. I had so much fun playing with you tho!!! And the superidol was one of the most exciting moments of this game even tho it did mean i lost one of my closest allies.

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Captain: I wish we talked more tbh because u were the first person to dm me in the swap and i was like lily o is so cool and i liked lily o a lot! but then we just didn't talk after that. I know its partially my faults but ur fun to talk to when we got to talk to each other! u may not know this but u were kinda the part that made me put more effort into this game when i lied to you about wanting to target jinx/mikki and u told mikki about that and she told me back hehe! hope we see each other around lily!

Mikki: LILY YOU WERE ONE OF THE FUNNEST PEOPLE TO TALK TO!!!!! I had such a blast in our dms. I feel like we could talk about anything and it was fun. Hell you even explained the history of pacman to me and i was INVESTED in every part of it!!! Voting you out was partly fuelled by how good you are at comps and partly because i got bitter about the timezone advantage comment ashsahjsahj but nevertheless i found you incredible to talk to and play with and i’m so happy we could meet and have fun with each other while we did!!!

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Captain: JOEYYYYYY! i still feel bad about that pyramid challenge because u shouldnt have gotten me as ur pair lmaoo. i literally didn't know anything americans!! anyways!! our time together is for sure interesting. cause like ik ur with me but then u told jinx and monty that they need to be careful about mikki/captain and thats the reason why i didnt fully trust you in game! like ur a good ally but sometimes, ur doing too much. also, i appreciated u trying to talk to me a lot. I wish i did the same with you but life was so crazy that i could only reply with like short answers that didnt give anything much. At least we made it to jury together this time!

Mikki: joey joey joey joey JOEY sjhhjsahjasahj oh my god it was a time and a half with you i swear. I would talk to you and then go into my conf and rant about how JOEY KEEPS SAYING I’M A THREAT GRRR IM SO ANNOYED and then i would talk to you more and go back in there after 2 minutes and be like “nevermind i love joey again” ahjashjsahj you are such a great friend joey and you give me so much joy to talk to. One of the things i’m most proud of is winning that endurance comp and i would have never done that if it wasn’t for you shjashj YOU PUSHED ME TO PLAY BETTER AND GO HARDER and i’ll never forget that. Thank you for helping me see what i’m capable of and for being a genuinely kind and fun person to be around.

---

Captain: oh monty DFSDFDSFDS we didn't really talk much privately but most of the times i talked to you, i was always honest with you and i think u were the same way with me too so it kinda raised my eyebrows a bit when u told me that we're gonna be worried about captain/mikki later in the game fdsfsdfsdfsd i didn't talk much game with you but ik u played a good game even though i think u might not know whats going on most of the times lmaoo!! anyways, its been a fun time with you and ofc, u can't get rid of me cause im gonna be haunting u as an intern in CoW forever!!!

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Mikki: PLS ASHJASHJA we didn’t talk much at all in this game apart from when tribals were happening and that was extremely iconic of us ashjashjasjh i appreciate and love you so much monty!!!! You’re one of the best people i know and i’m glad we got to play together for a hot second even if it wasn’t for long and it was just these super rushed convos before tribal while i was awake at a ridiculous hour ashashjas

---

Captain: okay so ur vote is literally the HARDEST vote ever in my org history but it has to be done because you and jude were such a tight duo and yes i knew about u having 2 idols and giving jude one since the beginning of the merge. i feel like that was the right time to, as autumn said, blindside. but you know i LOVE you so much. my grandpa! You are literally one of the nicest people in this community and your words have helped me a lot in this season. it hurt me so much to vote for you but thats how the game goes and i hope u understand because i value our relationship so much. we've played together for 4 times now and i love you more and more each time we play together. i just love ur puns and like ur old ways of saying things fsfsdfsdf that #chrisstyle and i just love everything that is YOU. i know we're gonna be fine after this and i hope ur proud of me and forgive me for voting you out. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Chris i LOVE YOUUUUU. sobs. im so happy we got to play together again ahhhhh

Mikki: chris you are literally the nicest human i’ve ever known. You exude such a genuine kindness i can’t even comprehend it. Your messages always put a smile on my face and voting you out was the hardest vote i ever did and i literally wrote in my conf that voting you out would be like blindsiding your grandpa after he helps you move in and has a cup of tea with you :sob: like you’re just one of the best guys i’ve ever met and have this pure wholesome kind energy i’ve never encountered with anyone else. Playing with you was amazing and i loved our alliance with captain and jinx. But i knew your game was incredible and to see myself and captain get any further we had to do the unthinkable. You had the magician in my tarot readings for a reason and it’s because you’re so powerful!!!!! I can’t wait to ask you so many questions when this is over.

---

Captain: bae- i still don't know why you had a crush on me but we had such a cute showmance arc in this series. i mean yes i targeted you for a few times just because we didn't talk before fsdfsdsdf like we communicated in the house chat but no one actually dm'ed each other first so im like i don't know where ur head is at and u seem to be dangerous to my game!! i mean u ended up not voting for me so thank you for that even though i can't do the same. i have to say that i enjoyed our convo a lot.. u always lit up my smile whenever u dm'ed me with tiktoks or like just ur random chit chat LMAO! the only downside was that we didn't rlly talk game much except for that one vote i think the lily o vote where we talked about getting joey out and ended up voting for lily o. but yes, i will miss our convo here a lot grey :(( u deserved BETTER!

Mikki: GREY OMG you’re one of the funniest people i’ve known. Our dms were so chaotic and you always broke the ice in the tribe chat by saying the randomest and funniest things. Thank you for making me laugh and for sharing your stories with me and chris and jinx on call. I really enjoyed getting to know you and i care so much for you. Also you appreciate captain and for that you have taste HJASHJSA

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Captain: JUDE!! you were such a powerhouse in this game like literally had u made the final 2, u would've won for sure and thats the reason why i fought so hard in the pressure cooker comp cause i couldn't risk you getting into the final 3 and potentially won the last IC. So i'm so sorry i had to vote you out. i had such a fun time getting to know you like just like i told you, i liked you since the premiere night when i watched ur intro vid and was like 'JUDE IS SO COOL' in my DR and i wanted to play with you.. then we got to play together and got to know each other. We didn't get to talk game much but like ik i could trust you in some ways! and again ur the coolest jude.. that pressure cooker will go down as one of the most iconic pressure cooker challenges in the tumblr survivor history for sure. hope to see u around the community

Mikki: JUDE i’m so sorry everything ended the way it did. I always meant what i said to you, that i would love to see you win. And you absolutely deserved to. Your game was amazing and i spent every second admiring you and everything you did. From the moment we played tic tac toe together i knew i was a jude stan and i’m so happy we got to have so much fun together and PLAYED PYRAMID TOO!!!! You’re absolutely remarkable and an easy person to love and want to protect, i can only dream of having your social game. You also never voted for me even when i thought you would BECAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT IT MADE THE MOST SENSE but you never did and i’m really emotional about that. I think so highly of you and i hope we can be friends after all of this <3

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Mikki: WE FINALLY GOT TO WASH AWAY OUR SAILOR MOON SINS CAN YOU BELIEVE ASHJHJASHJASAHJS we finally did it!!!!! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!!!! I am so proud of the game you played and i know it wasn’t easy for you at all. You showed just how much you wanted this and you never took the easy route. I’m proud to have played alongside you and for all our nights watching survivor and 7th heaven YOU ARE ALSO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS and i love you so much

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Mikki: you know how much you mean to me. I love you so much and i’m so happy we once again got to play together. I am SO proud of you and the game you played. You’re an under the radar genius who knows how to get your information and how to use it. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO and i love seeing you constantly prove yourself wrong and show just how incredible you are. You always put me first and take care of me :pls: i am so lucky to have you as one of my best friends and i can’t tell you enough how much i love you. Thank you for being in my life <3

#tsaw #end game

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evelyn-fenton-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Family Fuck ups.

I sit at the desk. I had hoped the palace would make chairs more comfortable than the ones at my own home, but alas any chair sat in for more than four hours is a bad chair. I suppose I should be socializing.

Maya is now my friend, Eloise is my friend, I’m supposed to be seducing Prince Nathaniel. But I want to write. There’s just no inspiration. It’s not like the first time I wrote. Not like the first time I lost.

**************Flashback time***********

It’s almost time for finals, but I couldn’t care less. All I care about is him. My childhood friend, my only friend, my first love, and my boyfriend.

I wait after school for him hiding around a vending machine, using the angles to keep me out of sight. Once he is in my sight I leap hugging him, taking him by surprise.

“I got you!” I cheer. He laughs as we hug. Then he tries to kiss me, though I was still much too young for that. So I pulled away.

The next year we stayed the same.

He aged to 18, I aged to 16. We grew up together, holding hands together, laughing together. Being together.

Then it all stopped.

It started calm.

“This is a really good poem for just Ms. Wallis’ class. Why not enter it in a contest?”

“You know I don’t really want to be a writer.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m a six.”

“It’s not that.”

“If it isn’t how come that is the only time you truly seem yourself? Why do you put in words the things you’d never say? Why do you put writing above even eating at times?”

“I don’t know. Well.. I may love writing but I love you more I just want to be with you!”

“You don’t know what you want Evey! You’re a child!”

“Yes I do I want you! If I’m such a child why are you even with me then?”

***************************************************

I lean back in the seat and look at the time.

One in the morning. It’s time to wake him.

I walk up to the royals hall. I know I shouldn’t be here but I couldn’t send a maid. Then I knock on the door and wait.

“Brooks!” I yell in a hushed voice not wanting to wake anyone.

He groggily opens the door. “What? Evelyn?”

I giggled at his appearance. He was not a very dainty sleeper. “You have bedhead. Anyways, it's time for you to help me with my next book. Get dressed.”

He looked back into his room, presumingly at a clock. “It’s 1am.”

“Yup. This way we won't get in trouble, brains work better at night, and the cold can wake you up.”

He yawns “Fine.” then grabs a sweater and closes the door.

“Where're we going?”

“We're going to escape the palace. I read on a map there's a beach by here. In short we're going exploring.”

“We should tell a guard.”

“That would take the fun out of it. If by some magic they notice we're gone we'll just say you were kind enough to take me on a walk because I couldn't sleep. Just to the gardens.”

“I'm hardly allowed to go anywhere without supervision.”

“Well, you have my supervision. Come on.” I then took his sleeve to slowly drag him along which he doesn't resist.

“Good boy. Nooowwww how do you think we should escape. The beach looks closer to the garden and there's that big woods right by it so I'm guessing there's a weak point there.”

“We are so not going in the woods.”

“And why not?”

“I could be murdered.”

“By a bunny rabbit?”

“By Hooks Heave.”

I laughed, “You'll be fine. If Hooks Heave makes an appearance I'll write in a wolf to maul him.”

“Oh, thank God. I'm so glad I have your writing to rely on regarding my life.”

“You’re very welcome.”

“Are you planning on murdering me?”

“Nope this is not inspiration for Hooks Heave.”

“Damn.”

“Damn? Did you want to die?”

He grinned, “Oh no, I would never be so self deprecating.”

“Somehow I feel like that's sarcasm. Now i'm for sure going to push you into the ocean.”

“Excuse you, I am royalty and I do not take threats like that lightly. Watch yourself, peasant.” He then poked my forehead.

“Right. Dear me, now I may lose my head. All because of some cold salt water.”

“The real world is a cruel, cruel place.”

“Thats an idea for a book. Writing about the crudeness of the world. A woman falls in love with a man only to learn he's a dick then they fight and she finally storms out to leave with their 5 year old daughter. She packs a small suitcase and boards a bus out of town. As the bus leaves a giant octopus comes and crushes the town. Everyone dies but the daughter. The lesson is the world is cruel.”

“Yikes... I see why you need my help. Tsk tsk.” I thought that one was pretty good. Even when you want to escape to a nicer world, the world is not nice and will kill you if you try.

“Well I lost my past inspirations so now I'm just stuck with bad ideas but a good brain. It's a very complicated situation.” I lost him, and I lost her.

“What a tragic time. I don't know about you, but I'm partial to accuracy.”

“Yeah but I don't know what to be accurate about. Even if i took out the octopus the root of that idea sucks. My first book was a love story, the second was a murder mystery, now I need something new but all I have are octopi and hooks heave.”

“Okay, what about a coming of age story?”

“People like those, but that focuses just on one person. I'm not good at that.”

His face brightens, “A challenge!”

I sighed, why’d something I hate so much have to inspire him? “I don't even know where to start with a book like that.”

“Think of a main character.”

“Well I normally base my characters a bit on myself but I can't make it too similar ummm..okay so it's about a young girl, maybe 18. No idea what her name is.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Why?” I ask but close them.

“Just do it. Okay, what is this character like.”

“Ummm. She's a redhead, she's pretty introverted, she can be a bit aggressive and selfish too but that's because she raised well. She likes sweets and cats.” Like you but meaner.

“What's her family like?”

“Her mother and father fight a lot. They stay together for financial reasons. For most of her youth she was neglected as they were trying to divorce but finally settled on living separately but staying married. She later had a half-sister who is much younger than her who's raised under the custody of her father who was a much nicer man than her mother as a female.”

“Does she have friends?”

“Not really. She doesn't go out much because she's scared people will hurt her like her parents did.”

“Is there a love interest in her world?”

“No men are horrible.....” A book with a female lead without a female love interest is risky. It might not sell well.

I sigh, “I guess she can have a male for awhile. But I write tragedies so it'll end with them breaking up somehow.”

“She finds herself, huh?”

“Always better to pick yourself over a man. That's the theme of my first book, not the one you were reading.” It’s what I should have done. Instead he forced me to have no choice but myself.

“Ah, but are you writing your first book?”

“Ah no. I wrote that book in 2 days, dont want a mistake like that again.” I wrote it sobbing, with a fever.

He left me. He made me pick writing over him. He broke me. I didn’t leave my home for a month afterwards. I failed all my classes, I was basically a high school dropout. All I had was a box of tissues, my laptop, my cat, and my feelings. I needed to vent it all out somehow. My first book was how.

“Think of what you want again.”

“Right. Book. New book. Book with brooks. Maybe I'll have it end with her picking her career over her boy.”

“Why can't she do both?” Right Brooks is a prince. He has time to do careers as hobbies along with his caste given duty.

“She's a three, her boyfriends a four and wanted to include her in the family. If she stayed with him she'd have to accept eventually becoming a four and no longer being able to be a writer as her career.” Make it a four. Make it seem better. Safer. Less of a risk. That way the idea of her dropping down a caste seems more possible. Instead of falling three.

“So she chooses work over love?”

“Yes. It's the wise choice. It's what will make her money and keep her afloat in a society which she is already disadvantaged in due to her gender. Because of her upbringing she is also taught to have the practical mindset that would lead her to that choice. Also she wants to make her mother happy so obviously there is no other choice for her.” It’s the choice I should have made. I should have left his ass. I should have won our relationship. Been the empowered woman. Not the deer in the headlights.

“What if she breaks past that?”

“She can't she shouldn't give up what she loves for a man. But I can't end it that way either. Even if he wasn't right for her, she's still a person. No one deserves to just live alone like that, without friends or anyone to love. Maybe she should have just settled so she wouldn't have to be alone with only a cat who would die three months later.”

“Stop writing what you're used to.”

“I don't know what else to write.”

“Do something you're not comfortable with.”

“What about a sci-fi book. I hate those so maybe I could make one I like.”

He laughs. What? I thought that was a legitimate idea. “Open your eyes.”

I open them, happy to see Brooks again. “Thank God I'm not blind. I was starting to get tired.”

“Do you have an idea of what you want to do?”

“I want to go swimming. If I go to bed I'll miss the window the brain is most creative in.”

“You should go to bed.”

“Fine. I'll walk back with you so you don't get murdered.”

“I'm so honored.”

“You should be.” I then held my arm out.

“Here you can even link arms with me that way if Hooks comes at you it'll be easier to hide behind me.”

“What if I'm Hooks?”

That stumped me for a moment. “Hmmm then I guess I deserve to be killed for being dumb enough to not notice, then lead you to a secluded area with me.”

“Let's just head back to the palace. And quickly too. I don't want the press getting the wrong idea.”

“What do you mean wrong idea? Plus I doubt there's any press out and about this late.”

“Well, it's a little weird a selected would be walking with me out here. And they're always around.”

“True but I could explain it. Writers always do crazy things. And thats creepy. Maybe I should write about journalists being aliens from hell.”

“Wouldn't be that far off. Luckily, I'm not in the papers very often.”

“Shocking, you don't want to be a drama llama and win all the attention?”

“'Drama llama'?”

“I like the rhyme, kill me. Your sister clearly shows off that even those who aren't the heir can get all the attention they need.”

He frowned and back away from me, unlinking our arms. “Are you talking about Mal?” Fuck.

“A bit? It's not a judgement just a fact that press likes the way she acts so she gets a lot of attention from them. Why does it matter?” shit.

“It sounds like you're speaking in the negative.” Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“You can't insult my sister to my face, Evelyn.” God I’m a moron.

“Right. Maybe I should not talk about your sisters at all, doesn't seem to go well.”

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn't.” We walked in silence. Great Evey, you are a master of conversation. Insult his sister to his face.

“I trust you can make it to your room from here.”

I apologize once more and leave. It seems everytime we talk I ruin it.

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