#also the part where my mum brought up some old trauma that apparently I told her about but I do not remember at all

[smalltimidbean]

I forgot to post my new icon for today - I'll probably have it for the rest of the month, or I'll edit it to not have the little hat, idk yet!!!

[soullikethesea]

I'm really freaking angry that I didn't have the time/spoons to do things that are good for me this week. (And had way too much work). And then today during my workday I got freaking sickkkk. Noooooo. It feels like it's the same freaking thing that I had a few weeks ago and I hate it. My ear's not closed yet and I started using nasal spray to try to prevent it from closing this time, but fuck this bullshit. I was really looking forward to a weekend in which I could actually *do* fun things.

It makes me feel trapped, because my life isn't changing any time soon. I still have two weeks like this and then three calmer weeks, but after that a period like this again. Only after February are things supposed to calm down for some months.

TW: abuse, violence/homicide

I also keep watching these German documentaries in which grown-up abused kids talk about their experiences and I probably shouldn't do that. It hits close to home. One in particular, where a boy reminded me of Fox and Robin a lot. He was so desperate and open to connect. Rejected by his mother. And even as an adult, you could see the repressed tears and the not-understanding. Verzweiflung.

He ended up threatening to stab his mother as a 10 year-old, after which he was removed from the home and from all of his supports. He keeps showing up at his mother's home, desperate, begging to be allowed to stay there and not have to go back. I begged and begged as a child, before Lucas came to be.

When Fox was the main daily life part, we functioned pretty well at school and socially. Except for his Verzweiflung around my mum. What do you do when someone actively hates you? Especially when you still love them? Apparently you split. So the fox carries most of the anger and Boundary that we could not express. The boundary being; "leave me alone". I was around 13 or 14 and Bf told me many times that I needed to be mean to my mum, show her what she is like, and he said that he could help me get rid of a body and to make it look like an accident or self-defense. I'm sure he was probably joking or in a narcissistic fantasy, but in my mind it felt like the ultimate loyalty. I felt like I Needed To Defend Myself and this was the only way. The more normal way of talking about the conflict felt so unbelievably scary that this seemed like the better option. No moment for anyone to say something back. (Of course also no actual resolve of the conflict, but apparently I had zero hope for that anyway).

It went pretty far. I considered my self-harm to be practice with handling knifes. I practised the scenario by stabbing stuffed animals. I had this whole idea of how it would go.

Pretty scary, huh?

Well, it definitely scared me.

I never ended up doing it. Changed the fantasy scenario to killing my friend's mom as she killed mine. Revenge, but slightly less personal.

T asked me to hurt or confront abusers in imagination as part of a trauma processing technique and it brought up all of this scary stuff.

What's helping is to look at the confrontations in Avatar: The Last Airbender. (Spoiler alert). Katara decides not to hurt someone, even when she doesn't forgive the person. Zuko only redirects the lightning pointed at him. Aang is told by numerous other avatars to kill Ozai, but he still follows his own instincts not to and only takes away his powers so he cannot hurt others anymore.

I don't know if I'll take T's advice.

[misiahasahardname]

to whoever sees this: this post does not hold up nowadays actually. the dad part especially, i love my dad <3

i made this post when i was in s2 which was... not a great year for me!

it's not really that bad but i'm still not a fan.

with love, michasia (this update brought to you on the 16th of august, 2024)

I AM HAROLD HUTCHINS, FUCK YOU, I’M GOING TO MAKE A MASSIVE COMPARISON, READ NOW!

MY HYPERFIXATION MADE ME DO IT

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, lemme calm down a bit. I tend to get like, REALLY hyper when it comes to talking about my hyperfixation (Captain Underpants!!), so this may or may not seem like a rant, but please, I am literally IDENTICAL to Harold Hutchins, the amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, marvelous, beautiful, splendid, spectacular little child. So, uh, here are some amazing similarities!!!

Harold Hutchins is an ADHD icon. Before reading book 12, I had no idea what ADHD was. (Yes, I know book 4 mentions ADHD first, but I had that copy in Polish first and what in the everloving fuck is ZDUN?!) Yeah, my best friend has it, and I new that, but he called it hyperformia and we had no idea what it was actually called (we were in Primary 5, the legal still-allowed-to-be-a-dumbass age) so yeah, didn’t see the connection. So I looked it up and found SO MANY SYMPTOMS, most of which I could relate to on multiple levels. Being an idiot nine year old, I instantly decided “Yeah, I have this.” and then learned that self diagnosis is wrong! BUT it turns out I was RIGHT, after a lovely trip to the phsycologist when I was… twelve? Eleven? So yes, I too have ADHD just like the amazing Harold! (When I was younger I was an idiot, because I liked the characters and my friend a lot and their lives seemed fun, I thought the disorder was also fun, I was wrong, it really sucks, especially when you’re not on medicine.) By the way, I am PISSED that Cap. U is like the ONLY ADHD representation I can find. WHY?!

We can both be used as a mop. Crazy haired blondies, rise up! Headcanon, someone has DEFINETLY flipped Harold upside down and ACTUALLY used him as a mop. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to get all that dirt out his hair that evening.

You’re attracted to the opposite gender? I dunno, that’s kinda gay. I got book 12 on my ninth birthday, actually, and started reading it in the car when we were driving to Edinburgh with the intent of partying. I got to the page where the future families were revealed and I was STUNNED. This book which had JUST released… maybe a year ago had a GAY CHARACTER. I was amazed! I repeated 3 times, “Harold is gay!!” (or gae, if you wanna know how I used to spell it.) I was mind blown. Little did I know, some girl in my class that VERY SAME YEAR would cause my gay awakening. Another funny coincidence, both me and Harold are in love with a very caring amazing person, if we assume that’s what Billy’s like. I love the very subtle way it was just mentioned that Harold has a husband that just made me stop and then go, “woah”, as if it almost flew over my head. Did that make sense? I’m rambling lmao

Drawing is my passion. I like writing, but I’ve been getting worse and worse at it because for WHATEVER REASON, my brain is mixing my two main languages together to confuse me and make me forget how to spell words like peice, or write w’s instead of v’s because apparently the letter v is illegal in our ‘alfabet’. Instead, I’ve been drawing random things constantly, JuSt LiKe HaRoLd!¡!¡!¡! Do I need to add random information to each point? No. Will I add information anyways? Yes. Are you interested? Are you hooked? GOOD, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT EACH POINT IS GONNA LOOK LIKE!

The Bad Dad That Left For Milk After Mum’s Divorce and Random Bully Trauma Club! Yep, here we go. I like to beleive Harold loved his dad even though he got hit because he just didn’t comprehend that what he was going through was abuse, just like me! Like, he could get into trouble at school or something and his dad was going to be told about it and hide under his covers, hoping he won’t find him so he doesn’t get smacked, but still love the guy! I HATE HOW TINY CHILDREN DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT ABUSE IS, GET OUT OF THERE AND CALL CHILDLINE, HAROLD!!! Oh, and the bullies? Jesus, bullies love picking on people like me- (loud, obnoxious, weird, egotistical, (not Harold traits, I’m not an identical copy)). We have Harold’s bully and his 3 goons; Sissy, Prissy, Pissy and Fuckboy, meanwhile I had Mr. Simp. So glad the both of us had epic, amazing friends to save us! Plus, we ourselves had our own special plans to destroy the bullies. Oh, and about friends…

BESTIE TO THE RESCUE! I HAVE A FRIEND THAT IS JUST LIKE GEORGE (minus the ties and shit) AND SHE IS AMAZING BUT I FEEL KINDA BAD THAT I DUMP ALL OF MY FEELINGS ON HER AND TREAT HER LIKE SOME THERAPIST. (sorry Millie D:) George is amazing though, we need more characters like him. I mean, what kind of five year old gets offered to go up THREE GRADES just like that?! I’m so jealous! Oh, oh, AND, my friend, like George, is there to comfort me and make me more like a more sane human being? Am I phrasing this right? Ok, just picture that moment of pure bliss in Season 3 Episode 4 where Harold gets very excited about what’s in the mystery box. See how he sits in that amazingly excited position? And how George then calms him down or something? THAT’S my friend, and also me. I get excited like that. I also get corrected (“Old unicorns?��� “Old uniforms, Buddy.”), complimented (that one moment in Season 3 Episode 3 where George gives amazing compliment to Harold and hugs him whilst Harold looks mildly uncomfortable), forgiven and put up with (lmao Harold breaks the fantaseers 2000 because he’s caught up in the moment is a massive mood), etc. etc. I did have another example or point but I forgot (of course).

Cowards! When it comes to situations, Harold is the more cautious one. Ditto, ditto, ditto, DITTO. I am a pussy, and I am NOT afraid to admit that. Poor Harold is scared of a vampire camp. Not really as stupid as a fear of dogs, though. (DON’T WORRY, I’M GETTING REHABILITATED, I’M NOT AS SCARED OF GOING TO MY FRIENDS’S HOUSES ANYMORE)

Clingy, please, I need my best friend, PLEASE! I don’t know how our illusgaytor would do without George, how depressed he gets when they’re going to be placed in separate classes in the movie, when he finds out he’s gonna be put in a different grade than George in book 11, just such a fucking mood. I HATE waiting for my friends in the playground, I feel so lonely, empty, and most importantly I HATE IT when people walk past me with THEIR friends, judging me. It makes me feel like a loner! And I get uncomfortable seeing one of my friends alone, I just REALLY need to go over there and see if they’re okay, even though maybe my shouting scares my friends away. But, am I the only one who realised that George and Harold are each other’s ONLY friends? Like, in the books and the movie, they’re only seen with eachother. No one else, they have no connections with the other kids. WHY, THEY’RE SO LIKEABLE!!!

Is that it? Man, it felt like more. Do you get my point? I hope you do. Uh, so, yes, Harold is best boi, I like characters with lots of development and lots of things to relate to, um… ŚIEMA!

[ginger-snaps014]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by GingerSnap-014 (@gingersnap.014)

Because I am trying to actually post my art again. Also I need to stop watching dc shows since this is getting out of hand.

Enjoy my random OC I created after rewatching young Justice and Titans. In whatever multiverse she lives in, Greyson is still robin but older (think junior/senior in high school pre-fallout with Batman). And most members of the team are young justice versions. She is a scholarship student at Gotham Academy and is roommates with the daughter of a former ambassador’s to bealya who does not like talking about her mum (spoiler not Queen Bee).

Personality: sarcastic with trust issues galore; she tend to lean into anger and humor as a defense. Despite her parentage (presumably because she never knew her parents), she has a strong moral code despite being able to quickly befriend villains. She likes to call out the hero’s when they are being self righteous picks (especially if she is saving their butts or saving an innocent). Prickly, but overall good.

Episode one: Diamonds are not a Girls Best Friend.

Opening- one year ago

You meet Gwen in school being harassed for her scholarship status and bored as hell. Use this scene to establish personality. Next meet her bubbly roommate who starts talking about being jealous of the Wayne Scholarship dinner that will be held at the Manor, clothing etc. makes Gwen borrow a nice dress because otherwise Gwen would go in casual black jeans (which is all wrong for a cocktail event per the roommate).

Next major scene is in the limo with the other scholarship kids (only 1-3 per grade). Easter egg with atriums. Alfred and Greyson greet the kids at the door, and Greyson leads the group in a tour of the manor. During the tour near the entryway, they pass a large jewel that perfectly matches Gwen’s eyes and seems to slightly glow. Close up of Gwens schooled face looking like she saw a ghost. She asking dick about the gem as if disinterested and asking why it was in the Manor. Dick explaining someone had stole it last year from local gallery, and that Batman had just recently recovered it and handed it over to the gallery’s owner. Who in turn asked Bruce, an old friend, to secure it while the gallery’s security is being upgraded. Next scene is a vaguely uncomfortable dinner scene where Bruce has to leave within 5 minutes of being introduced to the group. He tells Dick to stay. While leaving Gwen realizes she left her phone at the table and leaves the limo to retrieve. She stares again at the jewel and tells herself “it is a coincidence.” She grabs her phone. The limo has already left. Dick finds her at the door and seems annoyed (and like he is in a rush). They call a cab and wait awkwardly in the entryway. Suddenly the windows burst. Smoke bombs and knockout gas are thrown in side. Blurry men in full tactical gear bust in as Gwen collapses. When she wakes up she tried up in a chair next to dick (also tied up and seemingly unconscious though a few panels will show his eyes partially open). Gwen struggles only to hear a familiar laugh. “Isn’t life funny, last we were all together,” motions to himself and and the stone (still in its glass case though the other masked men are trying to break in), “I killed you”. She looks up with disgust. “Missed you too sweetie”. The man lifts up his mask to reveal a teenage boy. And Gwen spits at him. Fun dialog show that they at least dated and she had something to do with the original theft. They finally get the stone and start to leave. “Oh right. lose ends” he aims a gun at her and it clicks. The barrel was empty. Laughing to himself the leader then tells one of the other men to get her up. Smiling. She is coming with us. One of the masked men speak. He sounds older and more mature. “That is an unnecessary risk. Leave her or kill her.” The leader throws a tantrum yelling that he hired the men. “Just shut up and do what you are fucking told”. Gwen has her hands tried behind her back and is forced up the stairs to the roof. She looks over her shoulder at Dick who looks asleep and cooperates.

Next Panel in the background his chair is empty. Gwen is on the roof watching a helicopter come closer. Suddenly one of the men is pulled backwards into the dark. Traditional Batman style fight with henchmen. Only the leader remains. He pulls Gwen to him and holds a knife to her throat. “Come any closer, you fucker, and I kill her!” Gwen smiles. “I’d like to see to see you try.” Suddenly she stomps on leader’s foot, and spins away unscathed. Notably, in the struggle the knife slashed Gwen but there was no blood, only blue sparks. She stands before the leader, her dress cut across the middle (clearly showing her skin … with no cuts). Leader pulls out a gun and Robin’s voice emerges from the shadows telling his to drop the gun… and likely making a joke. The leader starts firing at the shadows. We heard robin curse as if hit. Gwen jumps in and says his fight is with her. She walks slowly towards him and he fires repeatedly. The bullets bounce off with a flash of blue light. Her eyes are glowing. “You!!” He screams “It chose you!!” Gwen clocks him across the face and the leader collapses to the ground. She turns over her shoulder to ask the boy in the shadows if he is ok. He comes out. Intrigued. His leg is bleeding but he promises it was only a graze. She looks down at her dress. “Well this sucks.” Jokes about dry cleaners and coverups. Gwen mentions the Wayne ward passed out inside. And sees her cab coming towards the house. Thanks robin and jumps off the roof. We see her land and walk towards the cab.

Next scene is her getting a package early in the morning with a new dress the perfectly matches her roommates and her phone. And a joking note from robin. She see dick in a nearby classroom and asks how he is doing. He says fine but is clearly in pain. She can see some blood seeping through his pant’s leg where robin had been grazed. She says nothing. And the las scene just says “now. “ Showing robin and Gwen soaring on a roof.

Sad Origin or Juliet should have just Stayed Home: (Notably all covered in one issue as background info to avoid romanticizing pain and trauma) first thing to notice in the first panel. Gwen has brown eyes instead of the normal eerie blue). She thinks she is an orphan being raised by a loving aunt, only to have her home blown up by faulty gas lines (spoilers was not the gas lines). She ends up in the Narrows living in a group home with a hot boy (he is the leader that tried to steal the gem in the earlier episode). She is alone, without a safety net and traumatized. He starts dating her. And is a manipulative and emotionally abusive asshole. He tells her the mob has his missing birth father and will kill him if he does not get a certain stone (that just happens to be on display as of that morning in her dead AU ants gallery). The gem had been brought over by an anonymous buyer who what deemed in breach of the purchase agreement and lot rights to the gem. The aunt’s co-owner/ girlfriend had reviewed the jewel and set it up as displayed in the old 15th century painting, weird writing and all. While stealing the gem, Gwen cuts her hand as her boyfriend fucks around and reads the weird script. This accidentally starts an old ritual. After a clean get away, the boyfriend kisses her and pushes off a roof to her death. She accidentally grabs the gem while grabbing for something to safe her life. She wakes up two days later on the street where her body had landed after the fall, with blood stains in her clothing from nonexistent injuries. She feels strange and disconnected from her past as if looking at her entire history through water. She assumes it is shocks and sneaks back into the group home. She uses her aunts oversized jacket hide the blood. Her roommate try’s to get Gwen to fess up where she has been thinking it was a romantic runway. Gwen turns to go to the restroom and roommate says she likes the new contact lenses. Gwen looks up and realizes that her brown eyes have turned an unnatural blue. last panel "what the hell"

Bullet point of storyline notes:

The Halloween special issue. “Never Trust a Cat.” Gwen has her noticing Dicks Gymnastics and being forced by her roommate to go to a Halloween party. She dresses up as a cat. Roommate is kidnapped by guys in tactical gear and has something injected into her. Gwen runs after and with Dick’s help saves the roommate. Only to realize she has been injected with some neurotoxin that slowly makes her susceptible to suggestion that the JL has recently learned about. Obviously created by the light. He says the antidote is in the bat cave and he will take care of the roommate. “If you think I’m leaving her side, Dick Greyson, you are dumber than you look.” Dick tries to deflect. Gwen says fine. He awkwardly holds the roommate while racing through the street on his bike. He looks over his shoulder at Gwen who has not moved. A blue flash is in the sky. He goes through the waterfall. And administers the cure. Suddenly from behind “so this is what the bat cave looks like…. I’ll be honest. I did no expect the giant penny.”Gwen is floating in cloud of blue light that dissipates as she lands.

Batman started avoiding Gwen after only a few sessions

In the same episodes she learns her mother is alive and abandoned her for a life of crime, she learns that her aunt faked her death and left. Apparently, the aunt killed some guy that had been hitting her. He was part of the mob. “It’s not safe for you” crap.

Finds out mum is alive after seeing a picture of cat woman on the bat computer. Turns out Batman had only even given her the maybe scholarship after learning he could be her dad. He grew distant when he learned who was the dad. Oh the abandon meant issues and trust issues I mentioned above.

Turns out robin knew about her parents and had been lying to her for over year. He is also the only person to know her secret so she feel especially betrayed. Needless to say the budding relationship is crushed after their first kiss. She is pissed.

Mum is cat woman. Who had an unwanted pregnancy and gave birth under a fake name. She faked her death in a car accident. And never appeared to look back.

Gwens auburn hair is from her dads side of the family. That’s right cat woman and lex hate fucked after a successful mission. Lex doesn’t know about Gwen.

When Gwen learns who her father is and that Batman and robin have known since testing her DNA (without her consent) a few weeks after meeting her. She is pissed. So she gets drunk underage. Kidnapped by none other than her ex. He had hired Icicle Jr. to guard her. She just wants to avoid the bats at all costs and know she is off the grid. So she spends the next few hours joking with Jr and bonding.robin breaks in. As other henchmen are being beat up, Gwen asks jr if he wants to make a deal. Give me a place off the grid to crash and I will get you out of here. Screams. Jr shrugs and says the money wasn’t that good anyway. Gwen blasts the ceiling creating a hole and grabs jr to fly out. They crash at one of his hideouts and get take out. At some point a group of his friends (probably Easter eggs) come to try to get Jr to come partying. A little bit later. Gwen is at a club in central city with a bunch of villains and having the time of her life. She is flirting with one of the guys that came to Jr’s. And jr is dancing with his own man (is apparently gay in this universe go with it). Gwen is joking and being extremely vague about her “co-workers”. Suddenly green arrow and Artemis crash the party. Artemis says to put down the shot glass. Gwen stays she is just drinking and to chill (she is dealing with some shit and may not be perfectly sober). Artemis fires an arrow that breaks the glass. Small fight and Jr drags Gwen out. They arrive at the apartment laughing. A panel showing days of the week and then hanging out (video games, baseball, etc. just friend shit). Later the same friends at before some over with Jrs new man. They are all hanging out when the others start talking shop. Namely Batman has been captured and will be killed on live tv. They are laughing at how the hero’s won’t find him despite him being just a few bloating away. Gwen excuses herself. And leaves a note to jr thanking and apologizing to jr. she saves Batman. Fight scene. And tells him to never contact her again. It’s snowing when she leaves.

One of the Episodes right after robins betrayal. “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble”. Bus of kids with Gwen on it gets highjacked. Before highjacked, see a football player ruin gwens chem book. The kidnappers make their demands and decide to wait it out at there boss’s place…. Which also happens to host an illegal fighting league. The men joke that they will make someone fight. If you win the whole ransom amount we will let you go. Gwen volunteers. The men laugh. A football player volunteers and gather his friends money to place the bet. He gets knocked out in record time. The b Gwen worked on her school projects volunteers her money up so long as it gwen in the ring. The rules are simple. Step out of the ring, you lose. Get knocked out, you lose. Die, you lose. Gwen first fight is against a larger guy who comes swinging. She dodges and trips him. He lands out of the ring. She wins without throwing a punch. She sees lex in the box. She wins several rounds of increased difficulty. This includes a two on one and blockbuster. Gwen next fight is against bizaro.When he is flying she asks if that counts after stepping out of the ring. No, you have to touch the ground. Gwen does not want people to see her powers. Instead she tumble and flip jumps off the ring tops to reach the lowing rafters. She proceeds to fight and dodge bizaro before jumping on mercy greaves shoulders and asking Lexi if he could spare what he had hidden in his ring. Curious and intrigued he gives her the sliver of kryptonite, which she slide under Bizaro’s skin when she tackles his form. He collapsed in the ring. Comedic scene of her dragging her out of the ring slowly since he is so heavy but technically still awake. She removes the kryptonite as soon as his hand touches the ground outside the ring. It’s the final fight. Makes a joke how she has definitely repaid the ransoms after this this. At this point the kidnappers are impressed and joking with her. She jokes about chem book. They promise to give her 300 bucks for a new one if she beats the next guy. A cage comes down on the ring. A guy smaller than most she has fought is tried up with a hood covering his face. Kids wonder what monster could be worse than Bizaro. The announcer starts going on about this interloper trying to shut the fights down. It’s robin duh. Gwen turns to the kidnappers. “I’m supposed to fight robin. Fun” robin is half to see Gwen and tells her they just need to fake the fight for bit since KG and his other new teammate are there. Gwen says not a problem and punch the lying sidekick across the face and into the bars. She makes a cryptic joke how this will be over In a flash. Just give her five minutes. Cue fight. Robin is good at dodging. But gwen is coming for him. Crowd comments that she seems way more into this fight. Robin ends up tied up and hanging from the top of the cage like a Christmas turkey with one shoulder dislocated (but nothing permanent). He struggles and Gwen asks if he was looking for these. And pulls out his batarangs. Chaos occurs as the young hero’s make their move. An arrow is fired but Gwen blocks it with a batarang saying she still has 20 seconds on the clock. She waits as she counts down then jumps out of the ring as KF comes up. “What they hell” Gwen smirks. “We both know he deserved worse. After I didn’t cause any permanent damage.” She starts walking away. “By the way, don’t worry about taking me home with other hostages. I will find my own ride.” See her ride off on a bike. Artemis walks over to KF “isn’t that Robin’s bike”. “Yep”. Next scene Gwen in bat cave returning the bike when Alfred walks in. “I did not expect to see you here again for a while.” “I needed to return something after all. I’m not a thief.” Alfred looks at the bike and notices some stu wires. He raises an eyebrow. “You found the trackers” Gwen smiles “so will robin. I left them in some interesting places”. Alfred asks if she needs a ride home. She says she fine and has a few errands to run. A chem book to buy” “ miss Kyle, I believe most book stores will be closed at this hour.”

[hh-rose]

James Potter and the Retelling of the True Story Chapter Six: Afterlife

ao3

masterpost

I don't want to talk about the sad parts. I don't want to talk about Remus being alone thinking his husband killed me. I don't want to talk about my son being abused. I don't want to talk about Sirius being tortured. I don't want to talk about Peter being that close to my son for more time than I ever had with him. I don't want to talk about those things, and I don't have to because this is my book.

Remus's life got a little bit of happiness when he started his teaching job. Sure, it wasn't great, and the reason he was there (to protect Harry from his murderous godfather) wasn't great, but Remus got some happiness, I got some happiness, and Harry got some happiness.

Hogwarts was the first place Remus ever felt safe and loved and like he wasn't a monster. It was never his home. His home was always Sirius, and it almost destroyed Remus to be there with Sirius, but he had to. He had to be there for Harry.

I don't know how he did it. Honestly, I don't know how he survived those twelve years. I certainly do not know how he was able to look at Harry without breaking into a million pieces. He did it though, and he did it well. He was the best teacher that boy had ever had. He should've been more. He should've been the one who raised him, but I really don't want to think about Dumbledore and his horrible plan right now.

Harry got his hands on the map that year, and I could not have been more proud of him. I cried for a while, actually. Then, Remus got it, and it was heartbreaking. He sat there for hours just putting in the wrong password to get us to say our little messages to him, and it broke my heart. My personal favorite was "Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Lupin that he created this map and his gorgeous ass should remember the password." That, however, was when Remus put the map away for the night.

I'm not going to lie to you, I was on the edge of my goddamn seat when Sirius and Remus met in the Shrieking Shack. It was so beautiful, them finally reuniting and Harry learning the truth. I was also pretty grateful that they didn't fuck in front of my child because I wouldn't have put that past them.

Now, this part is different than what you were told. I'm sure that you all thought that Sirius flew Buckbeak into the mountains and lived as a hermit for a year. Obviously, that didn't happen. That's just what they told Harry. Remus brought Sirius up to his office, very careful as to not be seen (which was something they were well versed in). They didn't say anything for several minutes.

"I have to go. I'll be right back," Remus told him before turning to leave the room. He quickly turned around when he heard Sirius whimper. "I will be right back, my love, and then I'm never going to leave your side again. I promise."

Sirius still hadn't said anything, but he nodded, satisfied with the promise. Remus quickly left his office and went to Dumbledore's.

"Ahh, Mr. Lupin, I was expecting to see you tonight," that horrible, evil, old man said.

"Don't you dare talk to me like I'm a child. How could you?"

"Remus, nobody could have known the truth," Dumbledore said, and I know that he knew he was lying through his teeth.

"I knew!" Remus shouted. "I told you! I told you to investigate. I told you he was innocent, but you didn't listen to me. Do you know how many lives that ruined? How many lives you ruined? We were married. He was Harry's legal guardian. He's broken. He's never going to be the same perfect man that he was before you ruined him."

"Mr. Lupin."

"I quit. I'm taking Sirius, and we're taking Harry this summer. You want to put us in hiding? Great. We'll go, but we're staying together. All three of us. Got it?"

"You'll need to live at Grimmauld Place."

"Oh, of bloody course, that's where you're going to send us, you fowl old man."

With that brilliant little speech, Remus left Dumbledore's office and went back to his to find Sirius still sitting on his desk. He was right, Sirius was never going to be the same, but that doesn't mean that he was any less beautiful than he was before.

"Alright, let's go," Remus said, pulling out his wand and packing the room up in seconds.

"What? Where are we going?" Sirius asked, following Remus over to the Floo.

"I'm really, really sorry, but we have to go to Grimmauld Place," Remus informed him, looking him in the eyes. "Are you going to be okay?"

"If you're with me, then yes," Sirius breathed out. Remus held his trunk in one hand and Sirius's in the other before stepping into the Floo.

They took a few hours to settle in and board up the paintings that were yelling at them. Remus then took Sirius upstairs.

"You said you weren't going to leave me, right?" Sirius asked when they stopped in front of his childhood bedroom. Remus bit his lip.

"If you want me to stay with you tonight, I will, but we're going to have to talk in the morning," Remus stated. Sirius nodded, and they both filed into the bedroom.

They started out on opposite sides of the bed, but obviously, in Wolfstar manner, they gravitated toward each other. It wasn't long until Remus heard Sirius begin crying. He grabbed Sirius and pulled him to his chest.

"Hey, shh, it's okay, love," Remus whispered. "It's alright. I'm here now. We're together. How about I sing to you? Alright. Anybody could be that guy…"

The next morning was awkward, and it almost pained me to watch it. Remus woke up first, obviously, and went downstairs. He was going to make breakfast, but then he remembered that there was a very angry house elf who worked at the manor. He sat down at the dining room table and waited for Sirius to come downstairs. Eventually, he did, looking somehow like his childhood self with his messy bed head. He yawned and sat down across from Remus.

"Kreacher is making breakfast," Remus said, not looking up from his daily profit. "I sent an owl to Harry this morning. He'll be coming here at the end of term. I should probably pick him up from King's Cross."

"Are we just going to pretend everything is normal?" Sirius asked. Remus finally put down the paper.

"I don't see a part of it that isn't normal, well besides our obvious new trauma. But, everything else is the same," Remus explained. "We're married, we live together, we love each other. Right? Am I wrong about any of those things?"

"No," Sirius breathed out. "But, Remus, I have to apologize for everything that happened before. I thought the worst things before everything happened."

"You don't need to apologize. We knew there was a spy. I'm not going to pretend like I didn't suspect you for a moment. That's all it was for both of us. Just a suspicion. Neither one of us thought the other was capable of doing something horrible, right?"

"Of course not. I was just scared," Sirius told him. "But, then… then I left you alone for all those years."

"And that wasn't your fault. I left you alone too. We both suffered enough, Sirius. If you still love me, I don't see the point in not being together. In not being happy."

"Of course, I still love you. I never stopped, and I never plan on stopping. You still love me? Even after everything?" Sirius asked. Remus's eyes softened.

"Of course, I do, and I'll tell you that as much as you need to hear it for the rest of our lives," Remus assured him. "I know that things aren't going to be easy, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try for the best."

"I miss them," Sirius said, a tear falling down his cheek.

"I do too," Remus replied. "It's going to hurt a lot to be around Harry, but he makes it so much better. He's so much like them."

"This isn't the future we were supposed to have. We were supposed to have kids."

"I'll settle for any future with you."

...

They just had sex for a few days, and I don't really need to talk about that. I guess they were getting it out of their system because Harry was going to live with them at the end of the week. Remus, as promised, went to King's Cross to get Harry from the train.

"Harry!" he exclaimed when he saw my son get off the train. Harry jogged over to him with a huge grin on his face. "Ready to go home?"

"Home," Harry breathed out, and Lily and I both cried. "This is the first time I was excited to leave Hogwarts. I've never been so happy to get off the train."

"Oh, Merlin, please don't say that to your Godfather. He's going to sob for hours, and that's something I really don't want to have to deal with," Remus joked. He then helped Harry with his trunk before apparating them both to the outside of Grimmauld Place. He did all the hoopla to open the house, and then led Harry inside.

"Hazza!" Sirius yelled as he bound down the stairs. He crushed Harry in a hug. Then, he pulled away with a shy look on his face. "Sorry, I used to call you that when you were a baby."

"I like it," Harry stated. "I never really had a nickname."

"Oh, well that's not true," Remus said, as he levitated Harry's things up the stairs and into his room. The three of them began walking to the dining room. "We used to call you loads of things. Sirius called you Hazza or Haz. I called you H. Your dad called you fawn and planned on calling you Buck as you got older. Your mom mostly called you darling, which isn't technically a nickname."

"Oh wow," Harry replied, as they all sat down at the table. Sirius at the head, and Remus and Harry on either side of him.

"What else do you want to know about your childhood? Our even ours?" Sirius asked. I knew that it was going to hurt for them to talk about it, but it was something that they needed to do.  

"Were you really that close to my parents?" Harry asked, shyly. Remus and Sirius both smiled at him.

"I lived with your dad for five years, I think. He was my brother," Sirius stated. "And your mum, I wasn't as close with her, but she was amazing and brilliant and I loved her very, very much."

"I was your mum's man of honor," Remus stated, causing Harry to look at him with wide eyes. Remus chuckled. "Yep. A very good one at that. And, Sirius was your dad's best man."

"So were you closer with my mum?" Harry asked. Remus shook his head fondly.

"No. I was close with her for sure, but James was my best friend. He knew all of my moves before I even thought of them," Remus explained. "Sirius and your dad were brothers, but me and your dad were very, very, very close."

"So, why aren't you my godfather too?" Harry asked, causing Sirius to smirk at Remus. Remus just blushed.

"I am actually."

"What?" Harry asked, completely shocked.

"It's pretty typical for wizarding families to select a married couple to be their baby's godparents, and typically that couple is a man and a woman," Remus said. He looked at Sirius for a moment. Sirius nodded with a smile.

"As it happens Harry, I was in fact married to someone, and it was very fitting that that person was just as close with your parents as I was," Sirius told him. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Wait."

"How familiar are you with gay couples?"

"Um, well, I grew up in a very bigoted household," Harry explained. "But, I never…I mean I would never judge--"

"Oh, Haz, don't worry. We know you're not homophobic," Sirius assured him. "It's just a real fucking shame that both purebloods and muggles are homophobic. You'd think being polar opposites, one of them would get it right."

"That is so not the point right now," Remus told his husband. "So, yes, Harry, I am your Godfather too. We're your Godparents, and we are very happily married."

"Actually, we had a double wedding with your parents," Sirius explained. Harry loved that and wanted to hear all about it, so Sirius told him.

"Alright, loves, I have a very early Order meeting tomorrow, so I'm going to go to bed," Remus said, placing a kiss on Sirius's lips before standing up from the table. He walked over to Harry and stood awkwardly for a moment. "Harry, if you ever want to know anything, if you ever want to talk, please just ask. Goodnight."

"Thank you, Remus," Harry said. "Do you mind if I call you Moony? I feel like that's what I'm supposed to call you."

"Oh, of course. You, um, you used to call me that when you were a baby," Remus explained. He kissed Harry on the top of the head before walking up the stairs to his and Sirius's bedroom.

"You're not ready for bed yet, are you?" Sirius asked him. Harry shook his head. "That's my boy. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Actually, yes," Harry whispered. Sirius looked at him expectantly. "I never told anyone because of my upbringing. I didn't know that people would react kindly, so I just thought it would be best to keep it in. But, I'm pretty sure that I'm gay."

"Oh, love," Sirius breathed. He was very well aware that Harry was gay. We all were. I mean, I knew two eleven-year-olds on the train were gay the moment I saw them. Of course, I knew my son was gay and in love with that Malfoy bloke. I always thought the whole Hinny thing was disgusting. That girl looked just like his mother. Despite all of us knowing about Harry's homosexuality, we had no idea he knew. I mean, the kid was as oblivious as they came.

"My mum and dad, they would still love me if I was gay, right?" Harry asked, and my heart shattered. I wanted so badly to hug him and tell him that I would love him no matter what, but I knew Sirius would do just fine with that.

"Your dad knew that I was gay years before I knew," Sirius explained. "He would try to get it out of me all the time. He would say 'Sirius, I'll love you no matter what,' but I still wouldn't tell him because I was stubborn. But, your dad loved me and Remus more than anyone on the planet. He was our biggest supporter, and your mum was a very close second. Also, your parents would love you even if you were a horrible, terrible, vile death eater. They were the most loving people, and they would love you no matter what."

"Thank you," Harry whispered. Sirius grinned at him.

"So, any blokes you have your eye out for?" Sirius asked, ever the whore, Merlin love him.

"Um, yeah?" Harry said, but it came out as more of a question. Sirius nudged him, and he blushed. "Draco Malfoy."

"My cousin Draco Malfoy?" Sirius asked, and Harry just nodded. "Well, you're certainly talking to the wrong Godfather. If you need advice about being in love with a Black, you need to talk to Moony."

I wish I could say that that moment was the first of ones to last a lifetime, but it wasn't. It didn't change anything. That should have been their happy ending. It should have been Dadfoot, Moomy, and Harry for the rest of time, but it wasn't. But that doesn't mean that it was all bad.

[aconitewolfsbane]

Well, I hate my brother...

My brother, well, one of them, is an arsehole. Okay, honestly, both of them are, but this is about the oldest one.

He’s being getting absolutely fucking terrible these last few years. Seriously, it’s pretty much elder abuse, so tw:abuse if you need it.

I mean, wow. Here’s just a short list of his arseholery. Putting under the cut because damn, there’s a lot. Stuff in bold means it’s an ongoing issue that we’ve been dealing with for years:

-- I’ve caught him with his hands in mum’s purse when she was in the shower. He immediately denies it, despite me seeing his hand literally in her purse. -- When she was diagnosed with cataracts (which she’s since had the surgery for, and is okay now), he told her that he had cleaned when he clearly didn’t, because he knew she couldn’t tell the difference. -- He picks random fights with mum, then denies that he started it. Even after being told to go to his room to cool down, he waits until I’m gone before coming back out to start on her again. He has driven her to tears on multiple occasions like this. -- Despite knowing that she’s a diabetic, he steals her limited food supplies. He always claims “Oh, I didn’t know...” yet doesn’t hesitate to do it again. -- Even though she’s on a pension, and he gets one of his own, every single one of her paydays, he jabs his hand out demanding money. Throws a goddamn fit if she tries to tell him that she can’t spare it. Continues being an arse until she either gives him her taxi money for next week, or he manages to steal it from her bag. -- When she had cataracts, she had to walk slower and more carefully to make she that she didn’t fall over anything. He decided that she was too slow, and instead of going around the other side of the house and coming in the unlocked back door, he pushed her out of his way. Thankfully, I was nearby and managed to catch her. -- Because of her cataracts, he started waling around the house in one of three things. His underwear; his adult diapers (he drinks too much coke, and it’s wrecked his guts); his damned birthday suit. Yes, he walks around naked sometimes in the house where he lives with his mother, and his sister. -- When we reminded him that he lives with his mother and sister, and we don’t want to see him at all, he called me a bitch for not wanting to see one of my brothers naked. -- Opens her mail without her permission. This is because when she had the cataracts, she let him open and read out some stuff because she couldn’t do it herself, and he seemed to have taken that as an open invitation. -- If she’s on the phone, regardless of if it’s outgoing or incoming, he tries to listen in. If he can’t, usually because I’m there and he knows I’ll yell at him for it, then he’ll wait until I’m gone and harass mum until she tells him who she was talking to. We started just saying “santa clause. he said you aint getting shit this year", and he started to back off. -- Has THREE showers per day. Denies it. And yet, there’s only three people in this house. Someone is having a shower at 4-5am, again around 8am, and then again at night around 8. It’s not me, and it’s not mum. I sarcastically suggest someone is breaking into the house early every morning to have a shower, and he leaps at the idea, claiming that’s exactly what happens. And if I suggested that the cats are having showers at 4am, he’d try to convince us that’s true too... -- Has her fearful of being hit. He’s about 6 foot tall, and she’s barely 5′5, so... -- Has almost hit me multiple times, because I was trying to tell him to stop being such an arsehole to mum. He responds by calling me a bitch. -- Walks up and down the hallway in heavy boots. He’s destroyed the lino. We have both told him not to do it; as it’s annoying, and keeps us both awake; he yells like we’ve told him that he has to give all of his comics to charity. -- Complains whenever mum asks him to do even the simplest job. -- When she had cataracts, he was being a shit about sweeping the kitchen floor for mum. I told him. “Geez, it’s not like she’s asking you to donate a bloody kidney.” His response? “Yes it is!” He compared helping his legally blind elderly mother with a small bit of housework to be the same as undergoing major transplant surgery. -- Throws tantrums, because he has the reasoning skills of a 3-year-old. “I want this!” “Sorry, but no.” “I WANT!” “No. How about this instead?” “No! I don't want that!” “Well, I can’t get the other thing.” “I WANT IT!!” -- He also tells us he’s going to the shops. If we want him to get us something and start getting out the money, he throws a tantrum. He decide that he doesn’t want to go to the shop anymore, and storms into his room. Half and hour later, he slips out and goes to the shop. We don’t get the thing that we needed. However, if we gave him the money to get food for everyone including him, like hot chips, he’ll rush out the door.

The following stuff are things that I actually have dates for. (I only decided to start writing all his behaviour down last year...) I won’t write the dates though. Each entry is from one single day.

-- I made burgers for mum and I, because he’d already eaten something from the shops. He threw a fit because he’s a bottomless pit who buys a weeks worth of tv dinners, eats them all in three meals, then complains about not having any food. -- Demanded $10 from mum so he could go buy milk. She only had the money she needed to get into town the next day. He threw a tantrum. Tried to bully her travel money from her. She had to threaten not to give him any money when she got her pension to make him back down. He later went and got the milk with his own money. -- In the course of ONE DAY, he argued with mum at least FIVE TIMES about: the mess in the laundry that he didn’t clean up when he was told; the fact that he refuses to deal with the rubbish properly, including separating the recycling; and the fact that he wasn’t getting money because he was acting like a shithead. -- Walked around naked again. Mum tried to tell him why he shouldn’t do that. He called her a stupid bitch, threatened not to give her his share of the rent money anymore. I reminded him that if we can’t make rent because of him and get kicked out, he’ll be kicked out too, and we’ll fucking burn his precious comics to stay warm. He backed down. -- Stole mum’s food again. Called me a bitch when I tried to explain that taking other people’s things without permission is called stealing. Threw an old phone book at me. When mum and I tried to quietly discuss what to do about his behaviour, he suddenly decided to start mopping the bathroom floor, just so he could eavesdrop. Then he started thumping repeatedly up and down the hallway outside my bedroom door, knowing that I was trying to rest because the stress gave me a headache. He then started up with mum again, because he thinks he has the right to take whatever food he wants. This was after I brought each of us a 30pack of eggs on Sunday. By Tuesday, he had only 6 left. This shitstorm happened on Friday, when he’d decided that mum not scoffing all her food by then meant that she didn’t want it anymore, and he helped himself. -- He change the batteries on mum’s pay TV remote, but somehow, he managed to pull the case apart, damaging it. (The bottom edge was lifted up, and there was a noticeable crack in the casing.) He of course, denied ever being near it, despite the fact that he’s always randomly changing the batteries despite there being no noticeable issue with the current ones. He threatened to take his freshly boiled cup of tea and throw it at my legs to scald me. Reached for his mug whilst glaring at me. I had to thump him to make him realise that I’m not scared of that pissy little baby. Then, once I had gone back to my room, he came back out and started yelling at mum, blaming her for the fact that I saw the remote and realised it was damaged. He threatened to give me serious burns over a TV remote control.

That section above? Happened last year, between April and November. This year, he’s:

-- Threw a tantrum because I informed him, well in advance, that I wouldn’t be able to buy pizza for dinner on his birthday this year. (We’ve planning on moving soon, and I needed the money to start stocking up on supplies, and saving for the usual expenses.) Mum offered to buy him a frozen pizza when she went shopping on the Tuesday before his birthday. He started on her because he apparently wants an expensive pizza that someone else pays for and he doesn’t need to cook. He got into the shower, and we could still hear him complaining.

And this morning: He left no hot water for mum. It’s winter here in Australia. She’s 69 years old, with diabetes, a bad leg, a heart condition and finally, PTSD from her time in the Homes. (Church/state run orphanages, loaded with sexual abuse and mistreatment. She was part of the Stolen Generation, and has been granted a settlement through the recent Redress Scheme for victims of systematic abuse. A small settlement, nowhere nearly enough for the abuse and trauma she lives with, but we didn’t expect the church to even admit that they’d fucked up anyway. Getting anything was a surprise, TBH.) All this, and she had to have a cold shower in winter. She simply asked him not to take so much hot water. He threw a tantrum, denied having more than one shower a day, screamed at her as she stood there shivering in a towel. I stepped out of my room to get him to back off. He started on me. I got so fucking pissed off that I grabbed the broom handle and belted the piece of shit a few times.

Violence is literally the only thing he understands. Every time he starts to get shitty, he will continue until I threaten violence. Then he realises that he’s gone too far and sent me over the edge, and he backs down. But he’ll still grumble and call me a bitch for trying to get him to stop bullying our mother. He’ll also try to slip out and keep arguing with her the moment I’m back in my room. Which he did as I was writing all this. And yet, he still expects her to give him money every single time he puts his hand out. She only does it because it’s not worth the tantrum he’ll kick off if she doesn’t.

And just in case you think I’m talking about a dirtbag teenaged brother, or a moody toddler?

He’s 41 years old.

As for calling the police... Tch, they’re useless around here. They were called to our street because of a massive brawl where our fence got damaged, and started point blank they they probably wouldn’t be able to find anybody who was involved. They’d just suggest family counselling. (Mum got counselling in the Homes. That person also molested her.) So we’re very against any sort of counselling. It’s already destroyed this family more than once.

Plus, we live in government housing, which means there’s rules we can’t fight against or appeal, because the government does whatever it wants.

If the police come to the address too often, we’ll be kicked out. If my brother is arrested and jailed, we’ll be kicked out. (There’s some rule that there has to be at least as many people living in the house as the number of bedrooms. Three bedrooms, so three people. If he goes, we’re on the streets, or will be shoved into cramped flats to slowly die.)

We’re also barely making ends meet. Without him paying part of the rent, we’re screwed.

Anyway, I just mostly needed to rant.

[nookishposts]

Boundaries

*** Special note; this is not a cheerful post and contains potential triggers for those vulnerable to issues of childhood trauma. This is a true story.

When I was 10 years old, I met a man who was kind and caring, funny, affectionate, and had been matched through the Big Brother’s Association with the 12 year old brother of a friend of mine. His job was working with persons with physical and mental challenges and he seemed to genuinely thrive on helping others. I was often a part of family events where he was present, and the Little Brother he had been matched with, hung on this man’s every word. It was lovely.

Fast forward almost 20 years, and I run into this gentleman at the recreation facility I was working at; he was waiting for a meeting with my executive director for some kind of mutually beneficial programming. We had a hug and a nice catch-up and he was still in touch with his Little Brother (now in his 30s, but still struggling with emotional issues) as well as the rest of the family. Over the next few years, we periodically met for coffee, he came to my home for social events, and after quite a few years, he came out to me. I escorted him to his very first Gay Pride event and he nearly wept with the impact of an environment he’d always felt he needed to hide from. I was proud of him for his bravery, as I knew it had been a long journey for him to stand that day among his peers. He asked me if I would be interested in accompanying him on a visit to his Little Brother, a day trip, about 90 minutes each way. I said sure.

Little Brother was at this point a young grandfather, living on a disability pension and with a woman who seemed to care for him, their dog, and some kind neighbours. Their home was tidy and humble and they insisted we share a meal. Little Brother, agoraphobic among other things, agreed to go for a walk on the beach since I was there and he felt safe with Big Brother around. Big Brother even trimmed little Brother’s hair for him while we visited, apparently something that happens every few weeks. It was a very sweet reunion and we talked of fun stuff we got up to as kids, going through old school photos and some of his sister and her family, his Mum, Big Brother, often in the family gatherings.

On the way home, Big and I got to talking and he confessed to a gambling addiction and volunteering for the provincial self-disclosure status at Ontario Casinos. His photo is in a book with other self-professed gambling addicts so they can be stopped at the door and refused entry should they lapse in their recovery. I confessed that I had struggled with addictions myself when I was younger but thanks to the help of a wonderful therapist, off and on for about 20 years, I had come to understand my triggers and put many of them to rest. I shared with him that a family member had been a pedophile and that for 11 years I was his favorite target, kept quiet only because of his threats to harm others close to me if I dared disclose. At 15 I was finally big enough to stop him, fully prepared to die by his hand, but knowing I just could not endure any more. The fact that I didn’t die, that he walked away defeated after the struggle, and the balance of power shifted so dramatically, made me hate myself for not having fought back earlier. (It took a while to understand why I didn’t) I went on to explain that it took years of lying to cover up the damages and finally being unrelentingly suicidal that got me to disclose, and eventually to the right person for help. That I finally understood I was not to blame. (Statistics and research are very clear that when children cannot find a reason for a loved one abusing them physically, sexually, or emotionally, they assume they are bad/evil/need punishment, solely for the sake of having a reason. I concur. I was absolutely sure I was the sick and evil one.) I talked about the permanent damage, the occasional swamp of flashbacks that come without warning even now, and that I thought anyone who abused children or animals willfully should have a special place reserved for them in Hell, where they spend the rest of their consciousness feeling exactly what their victims felt at their mercy. Big Brother nearly drove off the road, and I felt bad for having upset him. I apologized for being a little too honest, and we changed the subject.

 Forward another 10 years and I am living in Winnipeg. In a phone conversation with my Mum, she gently tells me that Big Brother (who she also came to know pretty well) is in jail for sexual assault of a minor. His sister`s grown boy. His own nephew. A man now in his 30s who also sought help and finally had the courage to charge his Uncle with the ruination of his childhood; his repeated molestation at the hands of Big Brother. Big decided to confess rather than go through a public trial, and he admitted everything. Of course I was rattled. I told myself at the time that I was very glad the nephew got help, spoke up, and that Big actually owned it. I was also glad he was doing jail time for it.

Now we are up to date and I know Big has been out of jail for at least a year. I attended a public outdoor concert very recently with my Mum, and who should be sitting on the apron of stage right, facing and watching the crowd, especially all the little children, shirtless or in bathing suits due to the heat, but Big Brother. With a sly smile on his face. My Mum noticed him too, and asked me if I needed to move. I thought about it for just a second before saying No. When Big,scanning the crowd, looked our way, he saw me and his expression changed.I decided that if he was bold enough to approach, I would simply and quietly say`: `Don`t`, and turn away. I would not run. I would not hit him tempting as that might be.Unless he refused to leave, at which point I would either call police or raise holy hell, or maybe both. I was glad I had on sunglasses and he would not be able to see my eyes if he got close enough. I took a few deep breaths and tried really hard to concentrate on the music, the soft summer evening, the sweet interaction of all-agers assembled for the event. What I really wanted to do was run out and scoop up every one of those wee ones and hand them back to their parents and tell them why. The 4-15 year old still alive inside of me wanted to vomit and then go hide. The 56 year old wanted to beat the living shit of out of Big and expose him to the world. How dare he be there, watching, thinking god-knows-what as he watched those children play.

Big stayed put for the entire concert. He left immediately afterward, but I didn’t see him go. As far as I know, he was alone.

When Big Brother’s predatory story broke, the Association that matched him with Little Brother stated they had never had any whiff of wrong-doing when Big was a member.  Big’s employer said much the same. But years earlier, when Big discovered I was working in social services, there were 2 men he asked if I had ever come across professionally as colleagues. And I knew them both. When I mentioned Big’s name to each of them, they nodded and changed the subject so quickly I was left wondering.Their reactions made sense when Big’s story came out. They would have been the same age as his nephew. I highly suspect that both of those professional men, like me, got some good help in dealing with whatever Big brought to their lives, and it may in fact have contributed to their choice of career. Stats are also clear that abused children often choose a helping profession: either to atone for what they perceive as their own flaw/crime, or to try to intervene and advocate on behalf of other victims. I did. The stats also show that when someone abuses a child, the likelihood that they have more than 1 or 2 victims is very high. My abuser had several that we know about because a couple of them confronted him on his deathbed. I fully expect there are more who could not.

Abusers are very shrewd, very adept. They charm, they groom, they commit and then, having discerned their victim’s most vulnerable traits, they threaten. They are cunning. They make a conscious choice, a choice between right and wrong, and they do it over and over and over. They target and they plan. It’s seldom spontaneous.There is a theory that some abusers want to get caught, they offend so they can get help. I can’t handle that one. Like gambling addicts, there is a program whereby those who feel they might offend can self-declare and receive a chemical castration and enforced counselling. There is also evidence that the majority of abusers were themselves abused as children. But nobody that I know that has been abused has ever had the urge to offend in the same way, so I wonder about the legitimacy of that angle. I have been part of or connected as a resource to many many people who were abused as children and they have confessed some dark things, but never the urge to abuse another child.

My view is of course highly prejudiced by my own experience. I am one of the very lucky ones who after a few false starts found the right therapist and was able to do the work, piece by piece, over many years. I still have the occasional nightmare. I still have a couple of resources I can draw upon if I really need to. There is a certain cologne, and also a certain series of scents that will put me on high alert until I can talk myself down. No matter how much good help you get, it never leaves. It’s a part of your forever. You learn to accept it with as much healthy perspective as you can muster, but sometimes, even that isn’t enough. The MeToo Movement has been a very long time coming and will take a long time to get us where we need to go.

As for Big Brother...I have a LOT of questions. Is he allowed to be in such a public forum where children and young adults will be? Was his jail sentence the sum total of his debt to society and to his nephew? What could the police actually do, if anything at all, if I did call and explain who he was and the circumstances?  I also wonder about Little Brother and how much of Big’s influence contributes to the deepened challenges he has faced all of his life. Only Big’s victims will ever know the extent of they price they paid. But as far as I’m concerned Big himself has not paid nearly enough for his crime..for stealing innocence, for stealing trust, for causing  sickening sleepless nights and the angst of anticipation that he might show up again, or worse, make good on his threats leaving his victims blaming themselves for his behaviours, just as he wants them to. Theirs is a lifetime sentence. Trust me on that one. I am fortunate that I live a very good life in spite of how it could easily have been. I made a choice too, but only from a desperation so deep it could have cost me everything. There are so many of us.

There are good people in this world. Enough to make a real difference. We cannot afford not to ask the hard questions. Nor to keep the secrets. If there is someone in your life,...there is help, and others who will walk beside you every step of the way to it.