#also the internship is remote but it starts around the time I'm gonna be out of state for a week.... hm

[e77y]

Completely almost forgot to apply for that internship I was interested in.... Applications close TODAY BTW. Like. It said "no later than May 1" and I am typing this at 12:01 am on May 1 lmao. I emailed it at like 11:59 on April 30 😭😭😭 Unfortunately the one I really wanted already closed, but the same company has dozens of internships with different departments, so I picked the easiest looking one lol. It's also the one where I would get to post on their Tumblr blog yippee!!! Fingers crossed 🤞

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ok so the past 2 days have been a ride—both good and bad—so I think it's time for one of my rambly posts about life!

ok to summarize: monday amazing, shop internship everything looks great, weird to see freshmen around tho, finished up my remote internship, soccer practice was actually good for once, and then it got late and my brian started running in circles and stressing about seeing my ex-girlfriend (M) again, then i talked to one of my friends for a while which was cool, today was quite a roller coaster, morning more shop internship which was great it looks even better in there now an i'm sad it'll only last a like week tho, then people started showing up and at first it was great because like friends, but then when i was moving some stuff down to the garage i walked past the main hallway and saw M and internally freaked the fuck out, and then i just went back to work and i saw them 2 more times but didn't have the nerve to actually go talk to them, then i had to go do orientation stuff but a bit before that i ended up running up to M to scare them and then i saw my asshole ex and their boyfriend so I patted M on the head while running past and then went to find my friends, then we did some orentation stuff, then we had lunch, at one point i left my friends and talked to M for like 20+ min, and then more orientation stuff, including some advisory time, and then i talked to M a bit more after that, and then my friends and i walked a block over to get some ice cream, and i just had soccer practice

Ok, starting w/ yesterday, I don't think this will be too long, the shop internship was great and keeping myself busy doing that stuff that a) i enjoy and b) is helpful for a space i spend a lot of time in is good for me and the shop, so win win. It was weird that the freshmen were around tho since thursday friday and the first week of the summer meant that I had gotten used to the campus just being teachers (and a few interns). I knew one of the freshmen from interning at our school's summer so it was cool to get to see her and I think I convinced her to join the robotics team so that's cool.

Alright, now yesterday's soccer practice, which was actually good???? So for context pre-season was a fucking shitshow we didn't play like a team at all and i felt like such an outsider since 2 teams w/ already established friend groups merged and i didn't come from either team. But yesterday's practice was the first slp (my team aka the lower team - really means state premier league) practice where the npl team (the better team - really means national premier league) wasn't around and I def think that helped. Also I'm like really glad I'm not on npl because the spl coach is much nicer and it seems like the players on spl are nice too (and the division we're playing in is still higher than what i played last year which wasn't even my intention when i joined the team).

So anyway, practice, for the first hour we did a build out drill that was really good for me as a goalie because it was specifically designed to use me as a goalie (which doesn't happen that often) but also just generally a good drill. Then for the last half hour we just sat and talked as a team which I know sounds cheesy but it actually wasn't really and we def needed it. Our coach like reminded us that we need to be one team and we did like a gratitude circle and said what we were looking forward to (didn't have to be soccer related) and then our coach told that despite what the npl coach says (which is that it's a disappointment if we don't win the league) all he wants from us is the put in the effort so that individually and collectively we will get better with each game.

Alright, and then I came home and it was kinda late and then I ate and showered and it was def late and so my brain started to spin in circles and stress about today and how exactly my first interaction w/ M since the breakup was gonna go. Then one of my friends called me and we first talked about their problems and then mine and then random stuff and so that was nice.

Ok, today, the fucking roller coaster of a day that was today. So it started of good, just more of the shop internship, like the usually stuff. It was still good when a few of my friends and just people I knew showed up and stopped by the shop and said hi, it was, again, weird to hear how loud the hallway got, but it was ok. But then at some point I took smth down to the garage and I felt like I was about to start crying or have a panic attack or smth in the elevator because as I walked over I saw M for the first time in 2+ months and it was just a lot and terrified me. Then I went back to the shop and tried really fucking hard to focus on shop tasks, which included at least one more trip to the garage (maybe 2 i can't remember) and so I caught a glimpse of M again and it freaked me out again I didn't have the courage to go up to them and say hi or anything. So I did some more shop tasks, at one point I saw a big group of my friends which was great, oh and I also moved 7 anvils which was fun and the physical moment both was a really good distraction and gave me energy.

So now, the part where I was mildly stupid because no one was around to stop me. So I left the shop like 15min before orientation started to go find people and say hi and I didn't see any of my friends around and so I was like 'ok I can start a conversation w/ my ex by sneaking up on them and scaring them and I should do it now while I have energy and before I totally overthink this' (to be fair sneaking up on them and scaring them is something I've been doing since we first became friends and they're not the only person I do this to) and so I just did it I fucking ran at them and then I saw that the only people around where they were sitting was my asshole ex and their boyfriend so I just scared M and sprinted away before they even had a chance to realize what was happening.

After that I ended up finding my friends and hung w/ them a bit and then like 2 min before orientation was gonna start (we were already in the room) I decided to run downstairs and grab my water bottle and that just happened to be the same time that M walked into the room and I feel kinda bad about that

So then the next thing that happened is lunch and it was pretty good to start, I was hella stressed about what to do about the M situation but I also got to show off the shop to a bunch of people equally excited about it. At some point I asked my friends 'do I do the mildly stupid thing' (meaning to those who knew what's going on, do I go talk to M) and most people (esp those who knew) said no but eventually my friends came around and realized it was smth I needed to do and so one friend was like 'go do it now but it better not take more than 2 min' and I was like 'ok let me finish eating first tho' and then when I was almost done eating I saw M walking by and decided to sneak up on them again but not run away this time and that lead to like a full on conversation, just us

I don't even remember everything we talked about but I asked if they wanted to see the shop and so led them over there and showed them around and we ended up hanging out just us in there for a while and we like shared schedules, I showed her photos of when I tried to dye my hair (w/ friends help ofc), we just like talked and it was really really nice and felt so good to just be like that w/ them again. At one point I was like 'fuck it I just need to do this' and I hugged them and it was fine and good and didn't feel awkward or romantic or bad or anything.

Then eventually some of my robotics friends showed up and we talked about some random things and then they told us another person was not gonna do robotics this year and that made M wonder if they were gonna do the play again (M's a theater kid) and so we ended up running around for a few min trying to find that person but didn't find them so we just ended up sitting down w/ M's friends. I ended up bouncing between talking to M and other people walking by (since I know a lot of people) and at one point I talked to some people in the grade below me and they were joking about 2 of my friends who aren't dating but act like it and so another one of them asked about M and I had to tell them we broke up and they ask what terms we were on and so I was like 'friends?' eventually when I was back to talk to M I asked if they'd watch star trek if there was a musical episode (at which point another one of their friends who kinda like star trek joined the conversation) and so that then led to me showing M photos of pretty star trek people and then we looked at the time and were like 'oh shit we should have been back at orientation 5 min ago' (since basically all of M's friends are not in our grade they didn't have to go yet) and so me and M sprint up to orientation together, so uh I def didn't listen to my friend's suggestion of only 2 min but I actually needed to talk to them for that long.

so then the grade dean talked for a bit and then we broke off into advisories and i find out that M's ex-boyfriend from freshmen year (who they broke up w/ in almost the exact same way as they broke up w/ me) is in the same advisory as me, so uh let's hope I don't say anything stupid to him about our mutual ex

that was it for the day so i got a chance after to go talk to M again and that was the weirdest fucking conversation, pretty quickly it turned into us hearing about my asshole ex's boyfriend's crush and how they confessed right after their crush broke up w/ their girlfriend and then my asshole ex showed up so i have was having a conversation w/ 2 of my exes and one of their boyfriends which is just weird as hell and then at one point my asshole ex (related to conversation) made a comment about being willing to ask people out over text and M (who was asked out by my asshole ex when M liked me and had heard my say shit about how much of an asshole that ex was to me) said smth about knowing that my asshole ex would do that and then I chimed in we all know that because all of us had been asked out by my asshole ex at some point not too long after that i ended up leaving to go get ice cream w/ other friends tho so that was good (and like half hugged M good bye which was cool)

anyways, boring afternoon things happened and i just had soccer practice, which was again a pretty good practice and again we didn't practice w/ npl and we also did that build out drill again which is really really helpful for me and my coach is giving me useful pointers and just getting practice in those situations is helpful

so yeah, things are way better w/ me and M now and i like needed to talk to them for a decent amount of time and for now i think i'm over them but i'm scared that won't last because i can kinda already feel myself falling for them again and i almost don't wanna stop it (and so one of my friends has promised to confront me about it if they notice me making heart eyes at M)