#ex grayfriend

[iwannaban0nym0us]

welp time for another one of those long rambley posts because well uh everything's fucking ending

fuckkkkkkkkkkk why does this have to hurt so bad

I tried so hard to avoid this, fuck, why am I back here

It hurts different this time but it still hurts, while i'm glad we didn't stretch this out over months fuck I was in love

oh btw i have no brain power rn so this is probably gonna be entirely incoherent and just whatever the fuck comes to my mind

so uh basically my girlfriend broke up with me and at lunch today, and like it wasn't a bad breakup and i'm really glad we talked because like i wanted to talk about how things have felt kinda off lately, and uh it turns it its because they now only have platonic feelings for me

i think like part of me knew this was coming, they broke up with their last boyfriend this time last year (because they realized they really just wanted to be friends w/ him) and this time last year is when i hit the point of no return w/ my ex and a bunch of things that happened then have happened now (soccer team disbanding partner/ex not going on the school trip)

and so like i've had the thought 'could i go back to just being friends with them' or 'should i just break up with them before they have the chance to hurt me like my ex did' spiral around in my head a bit but i never actually did because like they're amazing

but then there's the part of me the would dream of us lasting for years and was just so fucking happy w/ them and was about to tell them i loved them, i've been thinking it for months but i thought i was ready to say it to them,,, and then well,,,,

theres so many nevers now, like i never said i love you, they never came to one of my club soccer games, i never went to one of their vaulting comps, we nEVER WENT ON A DATE

fuck i wish i had gone to prom w/ them this year, skipped the soccer game that didn't end up actually happened and fucking dealt w/ the fact that my ex was there but i was too fucking scared to do either of those things

aaaaa i was trying so so so fucking hard not to let myself get hurt by a partner again, i waited a while to ask them out like i was certain i really like them and they liked me back, and then i took things very slow, we took a while to kiss, we never said i love you, i tried really really hard to test the waters and really make sure i could trust them before i fully committed my heart to them

and while i can trust them and they are an amazing person who still cares a lot about me, they still managed to hurt me because they don't love me the same way i love them, and i kinda thought they did, and maybe they did for a bit, but they don't anymore

ahahaha fuck this afternoon they added the song (redacted) by Leanna Firestone to their playlist,,,, hhhhhh,,,, just look at the lyrics,,,, it made me start crying again,,,,

ok well uh i think im gonna fall asleep sitting on my floor in the dark w/ my laptop on my lap so i guess i should probably stop here and go cry myself to sleep

if i have any time tomorrow this'll probably be expanded because uh my soccer team is also ending :D so i'm losing people i've played w/ for 5+ years and also i'm gonna have to come out to a new soccer team which is gonna just so great

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ok so the past 2 days have been a ride—both good and bad—so I think it's time for one of my rambly posts about life!

ok to summarize: monday amazing, shop internship everything looks great, weird to see freshmen around tho, finished up my remote internship, soccer practice was actually good for once, and then it got late and my brian started running in circles and stressing about seeing my ex-girlfriend (M) again, then i talked to one of my friends for a while which was cool, today was quite a roller coaster, morning more shop internship which was great it looks even better in there now an i'm sad it'll only last a like week tho, then people started showing up and at first it was great because like friends, but then when i was moving some stuff down to the garage i walked past the main hallway and saw M and internally freaked the fuck out, and then i just went back to work and i saw them 2 more times but didn't have the nerve to actually go talk to them, then i had to go do orientation stuff but a bit before that i ended up running up to M to scare them and then i saw my asshole ex and their boyfriend so I patted M on the head while running past and then went to find my friends, then we did some orentation stuff, then we had lunch, at one point i left my friends and talked to M for like 20+ min, and then more orientation stuff, including some advisory time, and then i talked to M a bit more after that, and then my friends and i walked a block over to get some ice cream, and i just had soccer practice

Ok, starting w/ yesterday, I don't think this will be too long, the shop internship was great and keeping myself busy doing that stuff that a) i enjoy and b) is helpful for a space i spend a lot of time in is good for me and the shop, so win win. It was weird that the freshmen were around tho since thursday friday and the first week of the summer meant that I had gotten used to the campus just being teachers (and a few interns). I knew one of the freshmen from interning at our school's summer so it was cool to get to see her and I think I convinced her to join the robotics team so that's cool.

Alright, now yesterday's soccer practice, which was actually good???? So for context pre-season was a fucking shitshow we didn't play like a team at all and i felt like such an outsider since 2 teams w/ already established friend groups merged and i didn't come from either team. But yesterday's practice was the first slp (my team aka the lower team - really means state premier league) practice where the npl team (the better team - really means national premier league) wasn't around and I def think that helped. Also I'm like really glad I'm not on npl because the spl coach is much nicer and it seems like the players on spl are nice too (and the division we're playing in is still higher than what i played last year which wasn't even my intention when i joined the team).

So anyway, practice, for the first hour we did a build out drill that was really good for me as a goalie because it was specifically designed to use me as a goalie (which doesn't happen that often) but also just generally a good drill. Then for the last half hour we just sat and talked as a team which I know sounds cheesy but it actually wasn't really and we def needed it. Our coach like reminded us that we need to be one team and we did like a gratitude circle and said what we were looking forward to (didn't have to be soccer related) and then our coach told that despite what the npl coach says (which is that it's a disappointment if we don't win the league) all he wants from us is the put in the effort so that individually and collectively we will get better with each game.

Alright, and then I came home and it was kinda late and then I ate and showered and it was def late and so my brain started to spin in circles and stress about today and how exactly my first interaction w/ M since the breakup was gonna go. Then one of my friends called me and we first talked about their problems and then mine and then random stuff and so that was nice.

Ok, today, the fucking roller coaster of a day that was today. So it started of good, just more of the shop internship, like the usually stuff. It was still good when a few of my friends and just people I knew showed up and stopped by the shop and said hi, it was, again, weird to hear how loud the hallway got, but it was ok. But then at some point I took smth down to the garage and I felt like I was about to start crying or have a panic attack or smth in the elevator because as I walked over I saw M for the first time in 2+ months and it was just a lot and terrified me. Then I went back to the shop and tried really fucking hard to focus on shop tasks, which included at least one more trip to the garage (maybe 2 i can't remember) and so I caught a glimpse of M again and it freaked me out again I didn't have the courage to go up to them and say hi or anything. So I did some more shop tasks, at one point I saw a big group of my friends which was great, oh and I also moved 7 anvils which was fun and the physical moment both was a really good distraction and gave me energy.

So now, the part where I was mildly stupid because no one was around to stop me. So I left the shop like 15min before orientation started to go find people and say hi and I didn't see any of my friends around and so I was like 'ok I can start a conversation w/ my ex by sneaking up on them and scaring them and I should do it now while I have energy and before I totally overthink this' (to be fair sneaking up on them and scaring them is something I've been doing since we first became friends and they're not the only person I do this to) and so I just did it I fucking ran at them and then I saw that the only people around where they were sitting was my asshole ex and their boyfriend so I just scared M and sprinted away before they even had a chance to realize what was happening.

After that I ended up finding my friends and hung w/ them a bit and then like 2 min before orientation was gonna start (we were already in the room) I decided to run downstairs and grab my water bottle and that just happened to be the same time that M walked into the room and I feel kinda bad about that

So then the next thing that happened is lunch and it was pretty good to start, I was hella stressed about what to do about the M situation but I also got to show off the shop to a bunch of people equally excited about it. At some point I asked my friends 'do I do the mildly stupid thing' (meaning to those who knew what's going on, do I go talk to M) and most people (esp those who knew) said no but eventually my friends came around and realized it was smth I needed to do and so one friend was like 'go do it now but it better not take more than 2 min' and I was like 'ok let me finish eating first tho' and then when I was almost done eating I saw M walking by and decided to sneak up on them again but not run away this time and that lead to like a full on conversation, just us

I don't even remember everything we talked about but I asked if they wanted to see the shop and so led them over there and showed them around and we ended up hanging out just us in there for a while and we like shared schedules, I showed her photos of when I tried to dye my hair (w/ friends help ofc), we just like talked and it was really really nice and felt so good to just be like that w/ them again. At one point I was like 'fuck it I just need to do this' and I hugged them and it was fine and good and didn't feel awkward or romantic or bad or anything.

Then eventually some of my robotics friends showed up and we talked about some random things and then they told us another person was not gonna do robotics this year and that made M wonder if they were gonna do the play again (M's a theater kid) and so we ended up running around for a few min trying to find that person but didn't find them so we just ended up sitting down w/ M's friends. I ended up bouncing between talking to M and other people walking by (since I know a lot of people) and at one point I talked to some people in the grade below me and they were joking about 2 of my friends who aren't dating but act like it and so another one of them asked about M and I had to tell them we broke up and they ask what terms we were on and so I was like 'friends?' eventually when I was back to talk to M I asked if they'd watch star trek if there was a musical episode (at which point another one of their friends who kinda like star trek joined the conversation) and so that then led to me showing M photos of pretty star trek people and then we looked at the time and were like 'oh shit we should have been back at orientation 5 min ago' (since basically all of M's friends are not in our grade they didn't have to go yet) and so me and M sprint up to orientation together, so uh I def didn't listen to my friend's suggestion of only 2 min but I actually needed to talk to them for that long.

so then the grade dean talked for a bit and then we broke off into advisories and i find out that M's ex-boyfriend from freshmen year (who they broke up w/ in almost the exact same way as they broke up w/ me) is in the same advisory as me, so uh let's hope I don't say anything stupid to him about our mutual ex

that was it for the day so i got a chance after to go talk to M again and that was the weirdest fucking conversation, pretty quickly it turned into us hearing about my asshole ex's boyfriend's crush and how they confessed right after their crush broke up w/ their girlfriend and then my asshole ex showed up so i have was having a conversation w/ 2 of my exes and one of their boyfriends which is just weird as hell and then at one point my asshole ex (related to conversation) made a comment about being willing to ask people out over text and M (who was asked out by my asshole ex when M liked me and had heard my say shit about how much of an asshole that ex was to me) said smth about knowing that my asshole ex would do that and then I chimed in we all know that because all of us had been asked out by my asshole ex at some point not too long after that i ended up leaving to go get ice cream w/ other friends tho so that was good (and like half hugged M good bye which was cool)

anyways, boring afternoon things happened and i just had soccer practice, which was again a pretty good practice and again we didn't practice w/ npl and we also did that build out drill again which is really really helpful for me and my coach is giving me useful pointers and just getting practice in those situations is helpful

so yeah, things are way better w/ me and M now and i like needed to talk to them for a decent amount of time and for now i think i'm over them but i'm scared that won't last because i can kinda already feel myself falling for them again and i almost don't wanna stop it (and so one of my friends has promised to confront me about it if they notice me making heart eyes at M)

[iwannaban0nym0us]

short ramble about interacting w/ 2 of my exes today

so QSU (queer/questioning student union) met today (and ofc all 3 of my exes are gay but only 2 came, M and my asshole ex)

so uh point one (involving both of them!) when we were going around and doing intros the leads (because of me lmao) had all introduced ourselves while standing on a chair or table (and I just stood on a table the whole time because that's what I do) and then my asshole ex started off the member introductions and decided to stand on the table too and then proclaimed a bunch of stuff about themself (not all of which was said in a way that annoyed me) but then also said they'd probably be a lead but they get overwhelmed (wtf no they wouldn't be a lead badbadbad) and while/after that was happening M looked over at me across the room and like motioned to ask if I was ok and I just nodded, and like it means smth to me that they cared and noticed enough even just for that small action

then when M introduced themself they were like 'i don't do sports' and then I called bs on that and told them they are very very good at doing their sport and idk we had an ~interaction~ it was fairly platonic tho

and then later because we realized we had like 30min of time with nothing planned and so M and their friends suggested we play this theater game but said that we needed paper for it and so the adult qsu lead was like ok who wants to run to the library and get some and one of the other student qsu leads volunteered and then M (in reference to me) was like 'why don't you send the bouncy one' and I was like half offended but also if you've met me,,, and I was literally standing on the table the whole meeting

so then last point while we were playing the improv game (it was a team game) M was tracking points w/ tallies on the white board but they kept messing up which team they should be adding points to so I half jokingly asked if they wanted me to take over (since they're the words person and I'm the numbers person) and then my asshole ex heard that and decided to announce to the whole room "don't you have dyscalculia?" and first of I don't, I have dyslexia and dysgraphia (neither of which has anything to do with numbers), and second, why the hell would they think it's ok to announce that to a whole room of people half of which I barely know, also like if you're gonna do that at least get it right

[iwannaban0nym0us]

so according to my friends my life is a romcom (which means the past 2 days have been a lot because it doesn't actually feel like a comedy when you're living it)

btw i'm exhausted and posting this in a half done state because i just need to put this out into the world and i may or may not come back to edit this into like actual coherent thoughts

like 5 6 hours of sleep

good morning text

felt like i was gonna throw up while eating breakfast

first ones at school

on the same bus

talked while explantion and intro stuff

kept canoeing by each other

game them my 3d printed snake

spent all of lunch together

pushed their boat off

i dropped my phone, felt like shit

we got back they were swimming i called my parents

i went over to ask for the snake back, still on the brink of tears, they didn't know where the snake was, them and another friend gave me a hug

they pulled me away from everyone and we talked, and i cried, i don't cry, esp not in front of people, they knew exactly what i needed, "you're not allowed to be worried about me when you're literally crying"

we went to get changed and then we played games

they found my snake and gave it to me and apologized for a stupid joke their (but kinda my) friend made about it and losing things

i did some kinda stupid stuff

some people who i kinda know in the grade asked me how i was doing so ok about losing my phone, at some point i mentioned to M that it was because to be ok about it i had to pretend it was ok and joke about it and like fake it till i make it

they told me that my asshole ex has no idea they hurt me

we acted like we used to and there was a soccer ball

they joked about seeing my cry (which was then corrected to seeing me be emotionally vulnerable) being something on their bucket list

we explored a bit, climbed a tree, at one point they wandered off and i followed after and i paused at the edge of the clearing and just really whished i had my phone because they just looked so pretty slowly walking through and just everything about the moment i was kinda frozen for a minute or 2 and then they turned around

us and friends ate blackberries

my friend confronted me about wtf is going on with me and M and told me to stop flirting with them

there was a campfire and i was so exhausted the guides talked for a while, at one point a friend came up to me and we talked about M and he said i should talk to them (later i found out that friend and the friend who confronted me were considering making a bet on us getting back together by the end of september, so uh wtf)

me and 2 friends slept outside and i told them everything and i knew that i had to talk to M and tell them that i can't deal with the in between anymore and i'm being too logical about everything and it's a stupid situation that's complicated and i hate emotions

i didn't sleep awful but i also got <7 hours of sleep, but the stars were pretty

i choked down a bowl of cereal for breakfast but couldn't get myself to eat any sausage or pancakes

i just kinda hovered around M for a while and kept trying to find the right time to talk to them because i wanted to make sure they were awake enough and ate breakfast and packed enough

i help some people pack up their tents i packed up my tent

eventually when (according to what the teachers had said) we only had 15min left and M me and another friend were talking to guide i pulled M aside and asked to talk to them and as we were walking away from the group i asked if they were up for a serious conversation and they wanted to say no because they had one w/ another friend last night but they ended up saying yes

we talked for a whole hour,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and the conversation still isn't really over

"i loved you"

i felt like i was gonna throw up

both of us talked to a mutual friend

we're both such logical people and want to know why their feelings changed but neither of us can figure it out

we're both so bad about pretending everything is ok and just convincing ourselves and others of that

they cried, like really cried

they told me that i'm a hard person to get over

apperntly i really didn't do anything wrong

they also had a really rough summer and wanted to reach out

we were both so terrified to see each other in person again

we both had a so much fun yesterday

we were both trying to follow the other's lead and that just spiraled

we don't know how to exist as friends

they told me at least 3 times that they still think they made the right decision to break up with me

i mentioned the breakeven line ("what am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you") that they had as their status and they were like 'oh shit you saw that' and confirmed that it was about me

when we went back to school we both just pretended that everything was ok, and apperently they were also doing that over the summer while i was trying to feel things and then convicing myself that i was over them

neither of us has ever been through anything like this before and we're just kinda lost

i told them several times how much i trust them

we both really care about each other and neither of us wants what we have to go away

they didn't realize that i don't have a therapist and that led to them telling me how strong i am for making it through everything i did with my asshole ex and i told them that i don't feel strong and they said strong people never do

they know that they hurt me and they're sorry about that but also i can so how much pain they're in too and i can't be mad at them

we both wish that one of us was an asshole so this would be easier, or at least that i had fucked up in some way so that there was a reason for this

we both just kinda knew that if we made it through the summer we would be ok

they're just really really glad to be talking to me again

they feel like they're never going to be able to have a solid romantic realtionship, and idk the words for this one are hard, but like basically if what we had which felt so good and real fell apart then what kind of romantic hope do they have, and i didn't have anything to say to that other than they didn't lose me, and just for me in general that felt good to hear because it meant that they weren't lying when they told me that night that they had never felt like this before

we're gonna try and keep having conversations like this on a semi-regular basis because we still haven't figured out how to exist with each other and that conversation was something we both desperately needed, but also wouldn't have worked if it had happened sooner

i filled my friends in on the conversation and i could see that M was doing the same, and obviously we couldn't tell them everything because the conversation we had was just so long

and we wrapped up the conversation as we were shifting to the next thing and before we broke off into our groups they gave me a good solid hug

then we had some time with advisories, that then morphed into chill time for a little i ended up lying in the sun by M and their friend and one of my friend's boyfriend and then somehow i ended up w/ M's headphones on and they were queuing up music for me to get a sense of their music taste

then we sat in a reflection circle w/ the whole group (i was still listening to their music)

and then after that we went to grab lunches and i lost track of them and then i found them and they were kinda frazzled and looking for a mutual friend of ours and i could smth was going on and what ended up happening is them giving me their phone (so the music would keep playing) while they went to find the friend and idk what happened but i hope it all worked out

i wasn't able to eat lunch, i just like couldn't make myself do it, i did drink a caprisun and eat like 3 marshmallows tho and i talked to a friend for a bit and we were both going through it

then we had a 2 hour bus ride and i just listened to an audio book on my kindle and like half fell asleep and I looked back at M a few times esp when we went over the bridges because i know they don't like bridges

and then we got back to school and i said hi to a few freshmen i know who had gotten back at a similar time and had like one more conversation with a friend and one more with M and then i went home

and i haven't really done anything this evening and i wasn't able to make myself eat anything for lunch/snack (unless you count a singular pack of fruit snacks) but i did a reasonable amount for dinner

oh and btw one of my closet friends didn't end up going on the trip and has a non apple phone (plus just doesn't check messages often) so i can't fill them in on anything until tuesday

i still kinda feel like i'm gonna throw up (no where near as bad as when we were talking tho, because i was like convinced i was gonna throw up then) and that combined w/ the not eating much thing is scaring me

anyway it's 11:15 now and last night i got 6.5 hours of sleep and the night before i got <6 hours of sleep plus like all of that happened so i'm worn out gonna try and sleep now, sorry about the disaster that is this post

[iwannaban0nym0us]

so um apparently i am part of the face of my schools queer community now

(gonna ramble about this and some related things below the cut, ok actually it might not all be related to that but it does start with that)

So I got invited to join the student leadership team for my school's Queer (and Questioning) Student Allience aka QSU which is really awesome (but also I do so much other stuff so hopefully this doesn't take too much of my time) and we had our first meeting at lunch today in which I found out that I'm the only junior (the other 5 people are seniors) on the team so unless we recruit more people I will be the only returning leadership member next year

Before I move on, I'm kinda excited to be like the face of queerness at my school but also I just don't feel qualified (despite having been going to the equivalent of qsu since like 5th grade having been out as queer since 8th and out as trans since 9th) idk I think some of this comes from me having gotten really lucky and had a pretty smooth transition but some of it also comes from my asshole ex painting themself as the paragon of queer knowledge and sometimes making comments to me about not understanding things because I was too new to the queer world

Ok, I have more related things to say but I think it's gonna be easier to do this in chronological order because this week has been a time.

Alright, Monday, I had all of my hard classes and I don't think anything specific happened it was just like a long day and then I went home and then I had a late soccer practice and then after that there was a team meeting thing so I didn't go to bed until late. Some things did happen that triggered me to seriously start thinking about a legal name change tho

Now yesterday, my day started w/ a hug from M (my ex-gf)

And then lunch was the qsu meeting

And then after school I talked to M about joining QSU leadership, which some friends say was a bad idea but i just can't be the only junior on leadership because then next year will be a lot and i already do enough, and M is literally the only junior (besides me) who consistently went to QSU last year, and uh they were kinda shocked but also seemed interested and i think they may have been kinda flustered and idk how to read that

And then I had soccer practice and one of my defenders was an asshole

then today, today was a ride

morning stuff happened it was chill

then we had grade level time where we got to pick our tent groups for the trip and it was easy for me but i could clearly see M struggling and it took all of my willpower not to go over and check on them

and then we had affinity group time and I was w/ QSU which was fun and M was also there too and some of the time was fun getting to know new members and stuff and then at one point I checked in on M and they were kinda closed off and clearly unhappy about their tent group and I just kinda made it clear that I was there if they wanted to talk

and then we had lunch and i ate w/ my friends and then they were boring and I went to find another friend who was busy w/ their own drama and so i end up hanging out w/ the theater kids (M and my asshole ex's friend group) and that was interesting, i did get to talk about star trek tho

at this point i was not having a great time

then i was kinda bouncing around and saying i needed to do smth so i wandered around w/ friends a bit and eventually lunch was over and we went to the next activity

and after that there was the spirit assembly and my grade won one of the activities (which i help out w/ !) and we should have won the paper airplane competition but at least we won the balloon one and uh during that one we needed someone to do a handstand so I got M to do it because I knew they could

and then we had some sorta free time and so i ended up wandering around in circles w/ my friends really really needing to do smth but not having anything to do so eventually a couple of us ended up in an empty classroom just kinda chilling oh and during that time i was hella delirious so i gave one of my friends my phone because i didn't trust myself not to text M smth stupid

and then we had to go back for the last activity but we decided to be kinda late and as we were walking in M was walking out and so I started talking to them and ended up following them down to get water and while we were talking they complimented me on doing good in the spirit balloon game thing earlier

when we were talking i also got them to open up a little more about their tent and it turns out they're w/ a friend and my asshole ex (who M has heard plenty about but is apparently still friends w/ because during grade time i literally always see M w/ my asshole ex and my asshole ex's boyfriend) although M was saying they're not too happy about tenting w/ my asshole ex which did kinda reassure my trust in M because like it shows they did actually listen when i told them everything my asshole ex did to me

anyways then we ran into some of their friends and they don't me instead of going back to watch the volleyball games which we technically should have been doing they were gonna go play cards w/ their friends in the library and so i was like 'ok, have fun' and started to head back to the gym because i knew that was the better choice for me and after i was partway down the hallway M called out to me and like invited me to join them and i said thanks but i'm good and they said i could join them if i changed my mind

and once i was almost back to the gym i ran into a friend who had walked up late w/ me and he said he didn't like how loud the gym was and so i mentioned that the theater kids were playing cards in the library and then i went to the gym because a loud space w/ a thing to focus on was perfect for me

our grade lost kinda quickly tho so then i ended up outside of the gym w/ a friend who wouldn't let me to the library or give me my phone back because they didn't want me to do smth stupid and so i just kinda zoned out until school was over

but i was still around for a bit but that friend had to run so after they gave me my phone back i went to the library and found M (+their friends) and my friend from earlier and i watched them play cards for a little while and it was kinda fun

and then i went home and packed for the trip camping tomorrow and then like an hour ago M texted me (and for some reason the 2 times they've texted me since I reestablished contact have been about packing, specifically them procrastinating on it and me encouraging them to get it done which was a thing that happened before we broke up) and so we had a surprisingly long slightly on and off conversation about packing and uh now it's now and i have to be up in 7 hours and should probably get sleep

okok i'm gonna go to bed very soon, but one final thought, i'm kinda shocked that i didn't cry at all today

[iwannaban0nym0us]

uhhhhhh wtf i'm reading some poetry from last summer (that I forgot about) and it sounds way to similar to a poem just wrote (and not in a good way)

they're both about being fine but not good and how nothing has actually gone wrong but something still feels off

hhhhhh i hate this because now i'm like actually terrified that something bad is gonna happen between me and my girlfriend just like it did with my ex-grayfriend

fuckkkk i really just need to talk to them about this but thats hardddddd plus like finding time can be really hard because she's supper busy rn

[iwannaban0nym0us]

@the-starlight-papers yeah i totally agree, that's kinda what my ending thought is, like comparing soccer to a breakup reminds me that it's not stupid to be sad about my team disbanding and comparing dating to playing soccer is like 'why shouldn't i do this again if it's something i enjoy'

also part of the reason i'm not planning on dating this year because i need a break, i don't think i could handle any more emotional pain rn, like i dated an asshole for a year, waited like 3 months, dated someone amazing for 4 months, and now it's been 2 month since they broke my heart and it still hurts, but i do think i'm over that first ex (as in they no longer have the power to hurt me just by existing) and on top of that soccer is being complicated

ok so i think this is gonna be a rambly post but it also may have like a larger meaning idk

so one of the big reasons i have for not really wanting to date again (at least anytime soon) is because i don't wanna give someone that much power to be able to hurt me like that again

but now that i've been thinking about it i've realized romantic partners aren't the only thing you can give that power too, and the other things are almost more dangerous because you don't realize the power you've given them

the bigest thing i have given that power to is soccer, and no i don't mean that in the way you expect where it destroys me when we lose or whatever, because honestly as long as i play a decent game i don't give a shit about the result. the way soccer destroys me is through the community aspect, i had no idea what was coming when my first team disbanded and it felt so fucking awful, but i stuck with it because i love the sport, and then hurt it again only a year later when my team disbanded again (this time for real since before a couple of us had just joined the younger team), and yet i've given it one more chance and i can just tell if this goes poorly it is going to rip me apart because i love playing this sport so much but it just isn't the same without good teammates.

also if i think about it robotics could probably fall into the same category, but robotics truly hasn't hurt me, yeah it'll work me to the bone sometimes, but never actually hurt me

but i guess my point with all of this is just that comparison kinda puts everything in perspective, both why soccer hurts so much and why i keep going back to dating

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ummmm wtf i guess totally ignoring and avoiding your manipulative ex isn’t a clear enough way to say that you don’t want to be friends with them

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ahahahaha i have english class with my crush tomorrow and its gonna be both great and awful, great because I really like being around them and awful because I’m falling so hard for them

also also we’ve been texting a ton lately which is awesome and we were talking about robotics since their friend on another robotics team was asking questions about our robotics team and so i was like ‘you’re probably gonna hear a lot about robotics if you’re around me lol’ and they were like ‘that’s cool i like learning new things!’ and aaaaai really like them and that made me really happy

They’re such an awesome person and like the only things holding me back from asking them out is my ex (which is kinda several things) and like I don’t want to risk losing them as a friend

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ramblely stuff related to my partner to follow :D

so so so they're just so amazing and it seems like every day they do something new to prove how incredible they are and i'm still kinda in shock that they thought I wouldn't want to go out with them

since i told them everything about my ex we've talked about it a bit more and she keeps repeating how shitty everything they did to me was and has been so sweet about it all like uh today in english i was like 'yeah its really essay to manipulate someone's emotions' and they gave me little hug (because they knew i was referencing my ex but we couldn't have an actual conversation because class)

also my friends are way too aware that the way to get me to do something is to use my girlfriend, like i was debating if i should go to soccer or robotics tomorrow and i was discussing it with my robotics friends but then was like 'you know what imma ask my partner because they're unbiased' and then robotics people started suggesting bribing my partner with candy to get them to tell me to go to robotics (I ended up deciding on robotics without any bribery)

and then today after school i was trying to steal back on friend's water bottle from another friend and the friend i was trying to steal it from pointed behind me and was like 'is that your girlfriend' and the only reason i didn't fall for it was because i knew my partner had already left

and then like 30min later another friend was messing w/ my hair and was annoyed it wouldn't stay messed up and so now they want to sneak up on me and hairspray my hair in place, but like messed up, and i told them it's hard to sneak up on me and their solution was to have my partner (who they're close friends w/) distract me while they did it and- yeah that would probably work

also also also they literally made me soooo happy today, so my first soccer game is this weekend and it's like an hour away and it's supposed to be rainy but like my partner has been asking about my soccer schedule for a while and wants to come to some of my games and is free this weekend and so we were texting about it this evening and i was telling them how the really don't have to come but they are very insistent that they'll be there even if it's raining

some of this probably comes from me having to do a ton of convincing to get my ex to come to 2 games in the year + that we dated and so like my bar is extremely low but like it made me so so so happy to find out that they really wanna see me play

[iwannaban0nym0us]

i'm avoid my hw so time for this to get longer

i'm not just scared about soccer i'm scared that everything is going to turn out like last year and i'm scared of getting older because things are pretty fucking good rn

i'm terrified i'm gonna curl in on myself again i'm so scared something is going to happen between me and my partner i'm scared that everything good is going to fall apart

the timing of finding out about my soccer team really really didn't help because it was the middle of break and my close friends are hard to reach when i don't see them at school and my girlfriend was in a timezone that was +9 hours so uh the day after i found out i kinda spiraled a bit a def cried a lot

one thing that didn't help is the night i found out i asked my partner if we could call the next day and they said sure but then when i asked the next morning they said sorry they couldn't because they had been calling with another friend and their voice was dead (she had a cold) and i just really needed to talk about it and their reasoning was but like i wanted to tell them about it and not close in on myself and also my ex was really really bad about sticking to plans to call and seeing my girlfriend do that scared me

now i'm scared because me and my partner got a bit distant over break because of the time zone and now that were back from break were both just so busy that we haven't really had a chance to spend time with each other and like logically i know that a bit of distance is fine and my girlfriend is nothing like my ex but just all of the timing of everything is freaking me out

there've been a few moments where i almost considered breaking up with my girlfriend just so that i couldn't risk having everything turn out like last year, like i'm so scared that this is going to go bad that i'm not sure how fucking amazing it is is worth it

and now i'm scared about the school year ending in like 5 weeks because things are really good, i still have my soccer team, robotics keeps improving, i have any amazing girlfriend, i have some great friends, i don't want any of that to change

rambley time - this ended up just being soccer probably gonna reblog w/ everything else so this isn't way too massive

i'm terrified i'm so fucking terrified, everything in my life scares me rn and i hate that because things should be good rn

so uh where do i start, i guess soccer makes sense because thats kinda what triggered this

my soccer team is disbanding,,,, again,,, basically last spring the team disbanded because we didn't have enough people who wanted to keep going w/ the club (a bunch of people dropped soccer, a few went to another club) but what me and 3 of my closet teammates did is merge w/ the team a year younger than us (meaning the other team is playing up a year) but since that team is a year younger now they're hitting the point where people are dropping (plus one person my age is quitting for running and another moved to a better club)

i'm so so scared because this time there's no younger team to merge with and that teammate who's dropping soccer for running i've been playing with her for like 7 years,,,,,

there's two main reasons i love this club, 1) the people, 2) it's not quite as committed as a full on club so i have the flexibility to do robotics (which is a huge time suck)

but now i'm terrified because i don't know what comes next like i always kinda thought i'd play w/ this club through high school and now i'm actually coming to terms w/ the fact that i might not be playing non-school soccer like soon

obviously i do have options, like i could go try out for the clubs that my teammates are trying out for but those are ~30min drive away from where i live since i moved while i was on the team and only stuck with it because of the people and with robotics i don't think that is an option because i don't have the time for a fully committed team that far away

another option is a club team in the city i live in and i've been talking w/ a school friend a bit who also plays and we might try and go try out for some teams together but i'm still not sure i want to play club and even if i do want to i might only want to if its with that friend and we might not make the same team(s)

theres also the option of just playing rec in the fall and maybe spring select in the spring (school is in the winter) and honestly i think thats the most likely thing to happen and idk why but that kinda scares me too maybe its because i've been playing club so long and i think i'll feel like less of a soccer player if i can't keep that up but honestly robotics is by far my priority so i think i could live w/ it if i had to

the most terrifying option is that i just stop playing non-school soccer it's pretty unlikely but its still like an actual possibility and i don't think it ever has been before so coming to terms with it is,,,, a lot,,,

so like the soccer thing is really on my mind and whenever i bring it up with like my parents or my friends i feel like they expect things from me. like today my dad was insistent that we get the info for the club that some of my teammates are trying out for (despite them probably gonna end up on a younger team than me) even tho i was saying no since thats the one option i have actually ruled out. and then yesterday i brought it up around a friend and he was like you're so good why don't you just go join another club team and didn't seem to understand that its so much more complicated than that. and also like my friends make fun of me for being a jock and just like expect me to be a soccer person and idkkk aaaaaa

another thing that scares me about joining another team is coming out again because sports are so fucking gendered i hate it, and like its more than just name or pronouns, i love my current team because they fucking cheered when i came out (they were glad my announcement wasn't that i was leaving the team lmao) but even tho i live in an accepting area there's no guarantee a new team would be accepting, also i finally trained my coach to stop calling us 'ladies' or 'girls' and i'd have to do that all fucking over again, and i really really don't think i could deal w/ being forced to wear a fem cut jersey again so i'd have to figure out how to get a men's uniform all over again w/ the new team and going back to the accepting point being in the closet isn't even really an option because i just look so viably queer (plus i have a girlfriend lol)

[iwannaban0nym0us]

Something interesting happened today

so ok, my ex is a theater kid and like their friend group is the theater kids the thing is I’m friends with at least half of the theater kids including one in my grade (who i’ve been getting closer with since we broke up lol)

anyway there was a QSU meeting today and the plan for it was to eat food make a ginger bread house and watch a gay holiday movie, aka our holigays celebration

so I show up a bit late and I see that the only people I’m friends with who are the theater kids and they’re all gather at one table which includes my ex, at this point I’m debating just grabbing some snacks and leaving since I’ve seen this movie before but then the one in my grade (she/they) walks up to make and says I should stay and hang out I tell her I will if they move over to another table with me so i don’t have to sit with my ex (the know a decent amount of the shit that my ex did to me) she agrees to that so we sit down at another table and start talking (about heartstopper I think)

After some time like 2 more of theater kids end up joining us from the other table and then a bit later a few more and after a bit my ex ends up being the only one at that original table, so the theater kids end up spending basically the whole time with me and the one I asked to sit with me while my ex sits alone

i feel very slightly bad about the fact that they were alone (I guess their boyfriend had something else?) but also not really since I didn’t ask all of the theater kids to come over, just the one, and I also feel like a sick since of pride that my ex’s friends chose me over them

also there's a decent chance I’m getting a crush on this theater kid (the one i’m getting closer with) but like it is a bad idea because a) I just don’t have time to date someone, b) it hasn’t been that long since I broke up with my ex, c) this person was literally asked out by my ex, d) its really not a good idea to date someone who’s good friends with your ex that you aren’t on good terms with (I should know I was the one stuck in the middle of my ex and my friend last time) so uh yeah they’re really nice and cute but also entirely a bad idea

[iwannaban0nym0us]

lmao so friday was a hell of day as in it had so amazing parts and some awful parts so uh this is going under a cut

so general outline we have: my ex being an ass to my friend, worst possible timing to start my period (as usual), literally no time at lunch, why is history so similar to now, one class that was actually chill, discussing people who don't know they've hurt you around my ex's boyfriend, finally establishing that we are in fact dating, design still does not have things for us to build, dinner w/ my friends, and the dance <3

ok so thursday night I ended up not doing any hw (which is fine since I didn't have any due soon) but uh that was because I spent most of the evening messaging with a friend in my partner/ex's friend group about how my ex was being shitty about my friend being ace (something they did to me several times)

when I get to school friday first thing I do is go over to my partner and their friends say hi and ask if they've seen the friend who was struggling thursday night they hadn't but after heading over to my friends we see them and we both give them a hug and we hang out with them until class starts and we joke that we should start a club for ace people who've been fucked over by my ex (I can think of 4+ people who would join)

anyway during one of my morning classes my fucking period hits which is just a pain and uh yay cramps and that explains why my emotions have been a bit fucked up

then during lunch I only have time to eat like half of my lunch before I have to go to this stupid meeting thing so that i can maybe do an internship this summer, I did get to sit with my partner during that tho

my first afternoon class is history (probably my least favorite class) and uh we're learning about fascism and some of the stuff hits way to close to home, like uh feels a lot like trump, but also there was a line about how fascist only care about their needs which reminded me of my ex which I really didn't need

luckily my last class is way better, it's bio and the bio teacher is the one planning the spring trip for my grade and before class starts she mentions that she wants to talk to me and other "stakeholders" (meaning queer kids) about how rooming is gonna work on the trip since the rooms are gonna be like 10 people and she also jokes that it might be complicated since we've all dated each other and I'm just like 'well really one person has dated all of us' but anyway hopefully I can make it so that my ex doesn't end up on the same half of the trip as me and my partner, as for the actual class it was really chill and like got me out of my head and learning things—oh and we watched a really cool video about like the biology behind being intersex and all the ways it can present and stuff and it makes me so happy that we're learning this kind of stuff

after school i hang out with a combination of my friends and my partner's friend before I have to go to robotics, w/ their friends it's the 2 of us my ex's boyfriend and one other person and this other person mentions how a friend was being shitty to them but probably has no clue and i'm just like ayyyy i'm dealing with that too and we have a short vague (since my ex's boyfriend was there) conversation about it before being like wait are we talking about the same person (we weren't) then after a bit the other people leave and me and my partner are alone

now my friends made fun of us for the next part, which, like, fair, but uh we talk for a bit and then they preface this with 'this could be a very stupid question' before asking if we're dating and we both agree that we had assumed yes but weren't sure and we should really figure out labels but then they have to leave so that's as far as the conversation goes

next up i went to robotics and we spent the whole time doing a design review which is kinda fun because it basically just means that everyone on the team plus the shop teachers questions all of the decisions that design has made but also it was annoying because design still doesn't have more things for us to fabricate hopefully they will for wednesday but uh we're running out of time and we really need a full robot cad

after robotics I figure out where my friends are and two of them (both transmasc but don't try to pass) tell me they're in the girl's locker room changing and doing their makeup so for the first time ever I go into a locker room at school and I get changed in there

once we're all changed a group of like 5 of us walk a couple of blocks from school and get dinner together which was fun and we get back to school right around when the dance is starting (after we gay speed walk back)

alright i'm writing this part first it's probably gonna end up at the bottom tho since the dance was the last part of the day but i have so much to say about it lol

so first off i went with my ~partner/girlfriend~ and we spent practically the whole time together and it was really nice

the first part (before the live bands) we spent just kinda messing around on the mostly empty dance floor (despite the DJ playing music) with 2 of their friends who are dating (and somehow hadn't realized that we're dating yet) and their are theater kids and therefore were being super silly and dramatic and romantic and it was fun to watch

then then my friends preformed a half hour set and it was amazing they picked really good songs and they're all such good performers, but I was kinda distracted through out it because I was dancing with my partner the whole time and I love how into they would get and just aaaa

next up another student band preformed and they were pretty good too (no one can top my friends tho lol) and this band played the first slow song of the night and oh boy so much happened during that one song

so to start ofc I danced w/ my partner the whole time and it was so so nice and uh something interesting is how different it felt to when I had danced with my ex like with my partner we were actually holding each other close and really leaned into each other so at times it was basically a hug

so during this dance 3 of the eccentric soccer seniors (including the one who has been questionable to queer people in the past) spot me and my partner and one of them practically screeches while they other two shout 'OH MY GOD [MY NAME]' which like yeah considering their track record I should have expected them to be excited about this

the other thing I really don't know how to take, so like I try to be a gentleman and I noticed a bit of my partner's hair was like in their face during this dance so I reached out to brush it back and after I brushed it back they pulled down their mask (we were both wearing masks since the dance was inside) and I don't know if they thought I was trying to do that or if like they wanted me to kiss them or if it was something else entirely after a moment (and when I don't acknowledge it) they pull their mask back up

after the song ends we hug and then cheer for the band (since that was their last song) and then they go to grab some snacks and after a second I go find one of my friends and tell her how the soccer seniors reacted and how i'm scared my partner was hoping I'd kiss her but i'm not sure how I feel about kissing because really the only person i've kissed is my awful ex and idk if I didn't like kissing them because it was them or because i'm ace

after that I go to find my girlfriend again but I see them talking with one of their friends (later I find out this conversation was their friend asking if we were dating) and I decide not to intrude in case the conversation is about the kissing thing (which to be fair I probably totally made up but i'm still scared)

after a bit I find my partner again and we hang around with a group of my friends and at one point I scare one of my friends and so they tell my partner half jokingly to control me and so my partner wraps her arms around me and I decide that's a fair trade off

then we dance a bit more but quickly decide the music is bad and wander outside and sit down in a spot away from people to talk

we finally finish that conversation from earlier and figure out what terms we each like, we also agree that the soccer seniors are annoying but it's worth it, we also restated how this should have happened sooner and this is how I found out that they used to walk by my friend group to get water every morning in the hopes I would see them and come talk to them (which worked btw because I would always end up going w/ them to get water so that I could talk to them)

eventually we head back inside and there is another slow song and so me and my partner dance together again and not long into the song the soccer seniors practically sprint over and are like "CAN WE TAKE A PHOTO" and so we say sure why not and two of them pose with us while the third takes the photo and after they walk off one of my friends is like 'why did [name] just take a photo of you 2?' and i'm just like 'because i'm on the soccer team' which is really the only answer I have

not too long after that song we decide the music is boring again and wander out of the gym to get water and try and find friends, after getting water we end up hanging out in an empty spot for a while just sitting together and talking

eventually we go back to looking for friends and find my friends sitting in a hallway talking to my history teacher, obviously we join them, the conversation is all sorts of chaotic as is usual with my friends and we're there for a little while before going back to the gym for the last bit

there's like one more slow song plus a couple of bad songs and that's it so we head back to my friends in the hallway (and the history teacher who has definitely figured out we're dating now) and we both stay as long as we can before our parents are gonna question why we stayed after so long

anyway saturday morning I get a text from one of the soccer seniors with the photo they took and the caption "slay" and the photo is actually really cute, everyone is smiling so big, one of the seniors is making an omg face the other one is doing a double thumbs up and then me and my partner are holding each other tight

so uh I have a soccer game today and I like haven't really seen those seniors since they took the photo so I'm gonna bet that they're gonna bring it up during warm up (:

[iwannaban0nym0us]

interesting conversation with my english teacher today,,,,,

so uh things went really bad when i was bio lab partners w/ my ex last semester (dw i'll get to the english part soon) and knowing that my partner is in my english class and we have a major assessment coming up that is gonna be in groups i told my partner what went down w/ my ex and explained to them that i just can't be in a group w/ them for this project

then this morning i got a chance to talk to my english teacher before class when my partner kinda pushed me towards her lol and so i asked my english teacher if she had made the groups yet and she said no

so (with my partner standing a couple feet away) I asked my teacher if she could not put us together and i think i kinda shocked her (she knows that we're dating and makes fun of us sometimes for it) because she paused for a second and then said that wasn't what she expected and asked why so i told her that i did a group project with my ex and it went badly and her response to that was "at least you're self aware",,,,,,,,,,,

i just damn did not expect that but uh i didn't feel like explaining more but i'm trying to protect myself a lot more than my partner here

[iwannaban0nym0us]

time for a ramblely post about my life because i'm actually really happy rn

so my partner holy shit they're so amazing i don't even know how to explain it but everything they do just proves how incredible they are,, like we haven't said "i love you" to each other but i feel 100x more loved by them they i ever did by my ex who must have told me they loved me at least 100 times

ok btw i have no idea where this post is gonna go it's probably just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts all lumped together

so uh the reason i've been fairly inactive lately is because it's robotics comp season! Our first comp was last weekend meaning that the week leading up to it I was super busy trying to help get all the things to work (they still didn't lol) friday and saturday were insanely long days that were fun but also so tiring

we barely got things working in time on friday to clear inspection and make it to one practice match and then on saturday we had the worst possible schedule (first match of the day, a random match, last match before lunch, then 2 10min turn arounds, and then last match of the day) the most stressful part of the day was when in the last match before lunch we overextended our arm, pulled out all of the electronics, broke the extension spool, and got 25 penalty points. we spent lunch trying to fix all of that and also change out wheels (we didn't have a chance before because of our shit schedule) and also someone thought it would be a good idea to swap intakes but then we had to unswap intakes because the new one was too big and then the two very fast turn arounds after that were hella stressful

we actually ended up wining our last match of the day tho and i'm very proud of that since i took lead on the strategy talk before the match

then sunday we had a better match schedule and won one lost one so we ended quals 39/42 and therefore didn't go to playoffs, and me being the so so smart person that I am decided that since the other goalie was out sick it would be a great idea to go to my soccer game that afternoon (after 2.5 long tiring days of robotics)

And so I did and by the end of the game i felt like i was gonna fall asleep and i don't know how i managed to make several good saves and we only lost 5-0 (2 of their goals were super lucky tho) I am really glad i went since i got to see an ex-teammate and teammate who might quit the team soon for running and i hadn't seen either of them since last season

this week i've had a bit more time and monday i was so so so tired that during my freeblock which i usually use for hw since i have no free time i just hung out w/ my partner and was like half asleep the whole time, me and my partner also skipped an assembly on burnout because we were both too tired (they had a vaulting comp at the same time as my robotics comp) also tuesday i skipped soccer because of the weather so i got a whole afternoon off

over the next 2 weeks i'm only gonna have 5 days of school because we get next wed-fri off for conferences and then i'm at robotics the following thurs-sat which i think is kinda funny

uh anyway shifting gears,,, thursday i had my gender and sexuality class w/ my ex and since the teacher was out we spent the whole time in small groups talking about quotes from our hw reading and I ended up w/ a friend and my ex and ofc my ex felt the need to read out each of the quotes which normally would be like whatever but for some reason that day i just could not deal w/ their voice or their strong opinions on stupid things

there was one point where their voice had gotten to me so much that i just kinda zoned out and then they had the audacity to ask me if I was ok and that threw me for a fucking loop because when we were dating the only time they would notice something was off was when i was tired not when something was actually going on, like the day where they caused me to have a mental breakdown i was very clearly not ok that afternoon and they didn't say a single thing despite us having class together and so for them to say something now despite me having made it clear we're not friends ??????????

also i was in this state where I was torn between why does their voice still hurt me so fucking much and why don't i hate them more they did some really shitty things to me and i'm just so confused how i can feel both of those things about them and aaaa i just want them to go away

ok this has gotten long enough and i have some things i need to do so i'll probably reblog this later to talk about yesterday :)

[iwannaban0nym0us]

I've very proud of this line I used on my partner, firstly for context, my ex is an asshole and my partner knows this, so my partner was like "well I'm glad i'm above the bar [as a partner]" and my response was

"My ex buried the bar but you're in the sky"

I made them blush so hard with that :D