#also the fact that she supports her son's rights and wrongs (and his dead boyfriend)

[ellilyre]

"why do you like Tethis so much"

Alright

Listen closely

Just 3 words

Powerful Ocean Lady

[elizabeethan]

Watch the Sunlight Fade: 13 / 17

Emma Swan finds out that her boyfriend has been hiding something from her: he’s in a gang and trying to get out. Reluctantly, she decides to support him, sticking it out with him until they have enough money to flee to Florida. All she has to do is wait and ignore that feeling in her gut that something is seriously wrong. With the help of a kind and handsome stranger, she just might make it out alive.

Or, alternate summary: I’m horrible at summaries, please just read it.

Something of a cross between a What Still Remains AU and a Sons of Anarchy AU.

A/N: Heyooo time for more smut! And more answers. And more cliffhangers.

Rated M

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~~~~

The destruction in the apartment is clear the moment she walks in, feeling Killian’s watchful eye leave her as she shuts the door. There’s broken glasses and plates on the floor, Neal having cleared off the counter in what she assumes is his anger. She can’t think of another reason for him to be so destructive, picture frames smashed in the living room and fluffy pillow feathers flying through the air, but she certainly allows her mind to wander. 

  What if he knows? They’ve been careful, but what if someone besides Rufio had seen them? 

  “Neal?” She asks tentatively, clutching the strap of her purse tightly. 

  She hears another crash from his bedroom in response to her voice and cringes. The door opens forcefully, slamming shut behind him as he storms into the living room to meet her. 

  “Where the fuck were you?” he asks threateningly. 

  “I was at the store,” she answers, her voice small and weak, although she thinks it unwise to make a show of strength. “What’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong?” he spits. He fumes in anger again and picks up a vase that she had filled with flowers she bought herself, hurling it at the wall to her right and sending water and glass towards her. “Rufio is fucking dead , that’s what’s wrong!”

She pales immediately, realizing that he must know of their involvement in his death. There’s not much for her to say, unable to defend herself as she and Killian both know that their actions were wrong. She only wonders now if he also knows of the affair they’ve started. “Neal…” she croaks out in terror, unsure how to continue. 

  But to her surprise, he falls to his knees, his hands catching his head as he lets out a sob. “Who would do this?” he cries, sending her mind racing. “Who would kill my friend?”

  She shifts, the sudden realization striking that he isn’t angry at her, he simply finds it appropriate to take his anger out on her. She has to adjust now, unable to hold onto the fear of him discovering her dangerous secret and required to shift into her role as doting girlfriend. She has to keep up appearances, as much as it pains her to do so. 

  “Babe,” she says softly, “I’m so sorry.”

  Once she’s close enough to him, he grabs at her hand, pulling her roughly into his arms and squeezing her too tight. His actions are forceful, but not at all surprising. He holds onto her, sobbing into her hair and making her cringe as he cries for his loss. He says things like, how could someone do this to me, and it makes her realize that he isn’t sad about his friend’s death. He’s sad that someone has hurt him. He thinks this is personal. 

  While he cries, she looks around the apartment and wants to cry herself. He’s broken so many things, and even though almost none of it was hers, she still feels sadness in the wake of the destruction she sits in. When she looks to the bookshelf frightfully, she realizes she doesn’t see the one and only object that she covets as hers and lets a tear escape. 

  He’s angry. But he didn’t have to take his anger out on the one thing that he knows means something to her. 

  ~~~~

  “The Kings of Elsinore will pay for what they’ve done to us,” Peter says commandingly, his fist slamming against the table before him and making Emma startle. Many of the men around the table nod, grunting in agreement, including Killian. 

  He’s careful not to stare at her too much, although it’s difficult. Aside from his love for her and his disbelief at her beauty, it’s hard not to stare in an attempt to ensure that she’s alright. They haven’t been able to talk since she left this morning, but he doesn’t see any evidence that she’s been harmed. He knows that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been, though. 

  “The murder of Rufio was a heartless and psychotic act with the intention of hitting us where it hurts. Rufio was heir to one of our club’s founding members, and his death will not go unpunished.”

  Killian shudders in his seat, the action making Rob turn to look at him and cock his head. He’s sure Peter means it, and he’s sure Killian’s punishment will be worse than anything he doles out to the Kings if he finds out. 

  He can’t find out, though. Because if he does, he could find out why it happened, and he can’t risk Emma’s safety like that. 

  “We’re going to hit back, which is why Miss Swan is here today,” he continues. His words draw Emma’s attention up from her hands as her big eyes stare at Peter. “It has become imperative that you identify something we can use against the Kings. Any help you need, you’ll have. Hook,” he calls, shifting his focus.

  “Aye?” 

  “Continue to assist Miss Swan in her search. Remove the security features if you have to.” 

  “If it’s alright,” Robin starts, causing Killian’s eyes to grow twice their size, “I’d like to help as well. I believe my tracking skills may be useful in helping Miss Swan decide where to look.” 

  “Fine,” Peter agrees, waving him off. “As for the rest of you, prepare for a battle. If it’s a fight they want, then a fight they shall have.” 

  ~~~~

  She drops into the too-firm chair and it squeaks under her weight, a groan escaping her lips as she jimmies the mouse of her computer. He can’t help the small smile that pulls at one corner of his mouth, her dramatic entrance bringing him joy despite the stress they're all under. 

  No one says anything at first; it’s awkward with Rob being here despite him being one of Killian’s closest friends. Even though he trusts him with his life, he isn’t sure he’s ready to hear the truth of their relationship after how many times he insisted that Killian avoid this. 

  Once her computer boots up, she straightens and he takes a seat in his usual spot, gesturing to another folding chair across the room in an invitation for Rob to sit. “Want me to remove the securities, love?” 

  “No, I don’t want you to remove the securities ,” she responds in a mocking tone, mimicking his accent as she rolls her eyes. “I’m not a damn child; I know how to take off parental controls.” 

  Killian raises his brows, looking at her in surprise, and asks, “then why haven’t you?” 

  “Because I’m also not an idiot,” she responds, glaring at him before turning back to the aged screen. “I’m not stupid enough to try and go against Peter’s rules.” 

  He gives her a small smile, one that he can’t seem to give to anyone else, and can't seem to help giving her, and nods. “That’s right,” he agrees softly, his voice just barely above a whisper. He almost forgets his place, wanting nothing more than to lean forward and plant a kiss on her beautiful-- if not thoroughly chewed up-- lips. It’s obvious enough that something’s irritated her, and he wants to get to the bottom of it and console her so that the light comes back into her eyes. He’s greedy like that, he supposes. 

  “I bloody knew it,” he hears, Rob’s grumbling voice yanking him violently from his thoughts and his desires. 

  Killian turns quickly, as does Emma, both of them staring at Robin in surprise, as if they forgot about their audience. 

  “You’re fucking her,” he accuses, nodding and tightening his jaw. “Killian, mate, how many times have we talked about this--” 

  “Rob,” he starts hurriedly as he stands, his hands held out in a plea. Without words, only his eyes communicating to his friend, he begs for forgiveness and discretion and kindness. “Mate…” 

  He can’t even look at Emma yet because he knows that the look on her face will break him. He knows that she must be gnawing at her lip, her brows high on her forehead and her eyes desperate and terrified. “I’m not going to say anything,” Rob finally says, his eyes meeting Emma’s rather than Killians, confirming his hunch. “You two have royally fucked up, but your secret’s safe with me.” 

  He hears her sigh and worries that she could be crying, so he turns to her. He’s met with her dropping her head into her hands in relief, and he hurries to squat in front of her, taking her hands in his. “It’s alright,” he whispers, running his thumbs over her knuckles. Her dim, glassy eyes meet his and she shakes her head. 

  “We can’t-- he knew after two minutes. We have to go,” she murmurs softly, but he sees something shift in her. She sits up slightly straighter and gazes into his eyes seriously. “Can we trust him?” 

  “Yes,” he confirms while he squeezes her hands. He knows they can, but he turns back to look at Rob anyway. 

  “You can trust me, lass,” he vows, understanding as Killian begs him to. “I swear I won’t say a thing, but you’re playing a dangerous game. What’s the plan here?”

  “We’re leaving,” Killian answers simply. “As soon as possible. We would have tonight, but Neal came back early.”

  “He didn’t come back early, you dolt. They never left.”

  He pales, his face falling, and he feels Emma's squeezing his hand. She must be thinking exactly what he is. They had both assumed that Peter and Neal somehow heard about Rufio and had returned, but the fact that they hadn’t even left is somehow more concerning. 

  “How… how did they find out?”

  Rob snorts, shaking his head. “Right, you were too busy to-- hang on. Killian… tell me you didn’t--”

  “Rob--”

  “You didn’t. ” His face falls pale as well, the look he gives his friend chilling. Killian can feel the disappointment and terror radiating off of his oldest friend easily, and it does nothing to quell his nerves. “Killian, tell me right now that you didn’t kill him.” 

  “I had to,” he whispers, shaking his head in self hatred. “He attacked her. Said he would-- he said--”

  “ Fuck, he caught you, didn’t he?”

  “Robin,” Emma interrupts, trying to stop the two of them from going at it and speaking too loudly. They’re bound to tip someone off if they keep this up. “What Killian did… He knows it was wrong, but there wasn’t much of a choice. Rufio attacked me. He was protecting me, and now… I have to protect him. We have to get out of here, because if they find out that Killian shot Rufio, he’ll be worse off than your friend, Liam.”

  Rob is quiet for a moment, allowing Killian to absorb her words. She’s right, of course. They’ll deliver him a fate much worse than that of his brother if they find out. 

  “Too right, love,” Rob agrees finally, nodding and running his hands over his face. “I’ll help you however I can, so long as the two of you take me as well.”

  “Of course, brother. I’d hoped to grab Tink and Elsa as well.”

  He and Emma hadn’t spoken of his previous dalliances, and he only hopes that his intention to bring Tink along with them doesn’t offend her. It’s not as if he plans on staying with her long, but she deserves to get out just as much as they do. 

  “Only because of Liam, and Tink is--”

  “It’s okay,” she cuts him off with a smile, her hand squeezing his. “Of course we’ll bring them.”

  He can hardly take the amount of love he has for her, her unequivocal understanding of every piece of him hard to wrap his mind around. He gives her a genuine smile, and her gaze meets his, giving him the beaming sunlight in her eyes of which he’ll never tire. 

  ~~~~

  The service they hold at the Rabbit Hole is only slightly deranged. The message is clear enough: Rufio’s loss of life is seen as a personal attack against the club. His death is not sad because his life ended, it’s sad because the club is suffering. 

  It’s nauseating. 

  The only thing that keeps her head on straight is Killian, the gentle looks he shoots her from across the bar where he sits with Rob shooting warmth through her heart and to the pit of her stomach. His presence is so soothing, so grounding. It makes her feel steady and strong to be with him, to even be near him. 

  Each time she catches him glancing at her out of the corner of her eye, she feels her heart rate picking up. He drives her mad, she’s discovered. They’ve only just begun their relationship with one another, but it feels stronger than any she’s ever been in if only based on the physical connection they have with one another. She’s never felt this way about anyone before. She’s been with men before, men before Neal, but it was always transactional and cold. It was fine, but it wasn’t great. With Killian, it’s mind numbing. 

  He reads her effortlessly and flawlessly. He knows exactly what she needs when she needs it. He’s known exactly how to bring her over the edge each time, and she can only foresee their sex life getting better as they grow closer and closer. She can’t wait to grow closer to him. 

  The overwhelming feelings of disgust and discomfort are washed away easily each time he stares at her and are replaced by a feeling of undeniable need. The pressure builds where she needs him the most, arousal washing over her and through her until she can barely stand it, and the feeling of Neal’s hand landing on her shoulder makes her jump. “Want a drink, babe?” he asks, as if completely forgetting the conversation they had last night. He hasn’t even bothered to ask her of the results of her tests yet. 

  “I’m actually gonna just run to the bathroom,” she says with a smile. “Not feeling great, I’ll be back.” 

  She doesn’t give him a chance to respond before she stands and heads towards the bathroom, relying on the dank darkness and the slowly dripping faucet to distract from the overwhelming moodiness of the bar and her overwhelming arousal at the thought of Killian’s hands on her. 

  She focuses on her breathing for a moment, hoping to slow things down around her and calm her racing pulse. The sense of peace is short lived; the door opens slowly, making her heart rate pick up. But when she sees him, she relaxes easily, a smile creeping onto her face. “You need to be careful,” she insists quietly, although she can’t help but giggle as he locks the door and pounces on her. 

  He lifts her onto the counter and his lips are on hers instantly, his hands gripping her ass and pulling her towards him. Her legs wrap around his and her arms grab for his shoulders, her nails digging into the rough fabric of his button down shirt. 

  With his mouth trailing hot kisses along her flesh, his teeth scraping against her neck, he finds his way to her collarbone and murmurs, “I couldn’t stand being away from you a moment longer.” 

  She gasps in surprise at his words, a wave of arousal rushing through her and landing in her core, twisting her and encouraging her to tighten her legs around him in search of friction and pressure. “Fuck,” she whispers as his hands and lips move the cup of her bra to the side. 

  “Do you want this?” he asks, seeking consent before latching his lips to her hardened nipple. She nods fiercely. “ Gods , how I crave you.”

  “Killian,” she breathes, “touch me.” 

  His mouth devours hers again, his hand sliding down the front of her and finding the waist of her jeans. He tugs, drawing her closer to him and, without breaking their lips apart, snaps her button undone and slides her zipper down quickly. 

  “Are you wet already, Emma?” he asks roughly, his fingers sliding over the cotton that’s already nearly soaked through. He growls. “You are; that’s a good girl.”

  “Yours,” she mumbles, her arousal taking over and her mind barely able to keep up with what her mouth says. 

  “Aye, mine,” he agrees, nipping at her bottom lip. He pushes her garment aside and slips his fingers through her folds, groaning when he finds her sodden for him. “So responsive,” he praises. “So perfect for me.”

  With a moan as his mouth presses to the sensitive skin under her earlobe, she nods again, wanting to reinforce to him that she’s his . Only his. Simply, she tells him, “I love you.”

  His fingers glide over her clit, pinching quickly and dragging a whimper from her throat. “I love you so much I can scarcely breathe,” he whispers. “I can’t stand to be away from you.”

  “Then don’t make me wait,” she begs in a whisper herself. 

  He moves his hand away from where she craves him and quickly moves his own jeans, and Emma wriggles until her pants are falling around her knees. “We’ll leave tomorrow,” he vows, smoothing his weeping cock along her clit as she wrestles with the condom wrapper. When she finally has it open, she places it over his tip and slides her fist down to the base. 

  “Where will we go?” 

  She gasps when one finger slips into her followed closely by a second, curling against her expertly and sending her searching for his mouth with hers. He swallows her cries when his thumb gently presses against her clit. 

  “Your heart’s desire, Swan,” he says, lining his cock up to her waiting entrance. “I promise, that’s all I want you to have.” 

  Their foreheads press together, their noses too, and she bites her lip as he pushes inside. She clings to him, her fingers gripping the back of his shoulders, her heels digging into his backside, her core squeezing around his cock. After a few perfectly timed, perfectly angled thrusts, she whispers, “I just want you.”

  He holds her so close to him as one hand grabs onto her ass and the other holds her jaw and neck. His thrusts are quick, but deep and effective, striking her exactly where she needs him. He groans when she clenches around his cock again. 

  His hand slips around from her back so that his fingers can dance over her clit with each thrust. Emma moves her hands up to the back of his neck, gripping his hair and begging him for more in each moan against his mouth. It’s not long before he has her a writhing mess in his arms, pleading for release. 

  “Come on, angel,” he encourages gently but firmly as he gives her another flawless thrust. “Nice and tight for me, aren’t you? I know you’re ready, love. Come for me.”

  His voice is tenacious, but still so tender, so caring in the way that he loves her. She’s never felt so loved and safe while being spoken to in such a dominating tone, and she loves it. She loves the freedom that comes with being commanded and feeling safe at the same time. She never knew the two could coexist. 

  At his behest, she clenches once more and cries out his name, his mouth muffling the sound as he spills into her. They hold each other firmly, panting as they ride out their highs together, although they’ll never be sated. They’ll never have enough of each other, always craving more. 

  “Bloody hell, I love you,” he says when they catch their breath. 

  She hums happily, if only because she’s still panting too hard to speak. She kisses his neck, her lips lingering on his soft, sweat coated skin. “I love you,” she whispers. Then, because telling him once will never be enough, she moves so that her tongue traces his earlobe and repeats, “I love you.”

  He moves her hair out of her face when she pulls away slightly, then presses a kiss to her cheek. “I’m sorry to come in here so… rudely,” he laughs. “But I--”

  “I’m glad you did,” she smiles. She winces slightly as he pulls out, stepping away to dispose of the condom and exposing his bare ass to her, tempting her to pull him back to her. “Are we really gonna be able to go tomorrow?”

  “Aye,” he smiles and returns to her to kiss her once more. “I just need to tell Tink and Elsa. We’re to meet by the docks; Robin knows already.”

  “You have a plan?”

  “Somewhere quiet,” he answers, “hidden away, unsuspecting… but it must be by the beach, aye?”

  “Aye,” she giggles and he straightens her shirt with a smile. “And?”

  “Nantucket.”

  “Nantucket?”

  “Mmm,” he hums as he helps her off of the counter so that she can fix her pants. “Quiet, secluded island, enough tourists to help us blend in. Plus, infamously beautiful beaches for an infamously beautiful woman.”

  She wraps her arms around his neck, pushing onto her toes and kissing him. “Sounds perfect.” 

  “Emma…” he starts, and she can sense the shift between them. He’s thinking, his self-anger and self-hatred sneaking through the joy he felt moments ago. “If it weren’t for what I did--”

  “Please,” she whispers. “You know that I love you. The fact that you killed Rufio doesn’t change that. I know you regret it, but if you need forgiveness, you have it.”

  He leans against her heavily, forehead to hers again, and nods. “I do regret it. But I know it had to be done.”

  “Exactly. And where will I meet you?”

  “I’ll find you, my love. The less you know, the safer you’ll be with Neal. Robin knows the plan, though.” She nods against him now. “You’ll be alright,” he whispers, and she almost wonders who he’s promising. 

  “I know; I trust you.”

  ~~~~

  A knock sounds against a heavy door. It’s pushed open slowly, and behind it stands a young and conflicted soul, trying to make the best decision for her family. The things she overheard as she stood outside of the women’s restroom serve to threaten the family she has found, and she cannot let that stand. 

  “Enter,” commands a strong and powerful voice, the man looking up from his ledgers and giving the woman a pensive look. “Elsa, to what do I owe this pleasure?” 

  “Peter,” she answers, moving towards the chair across from him. “I’m afraid I have some… troubling news.”

  The man hums, leaning forward and pressing his arms to the desk. “And what is that, my dear?”

  The woman takes a deep breath, sadly shaking her head at the truth she’s uncovered. She didn’t think her friend Killian capable of such a thing, but discovering that he’s murdered a member of the club has stunned her. “It’s Rufio,” she says wistfully. “I found out who killed him.”

  “That’s very interesting indeed,” the man agrees. “Are you implying that it wasn’t a member of the Kings of Elsinore who murdered a member of our family?”

  “Yes,” she nods with a deep sigh. “But it pains me to put the truth to words.”

  “Elsa,” he starts again, leaning back in his chair authoritatively. “If you know something, you must tell me. How can we protect you if you don’t protect us in return?”

  “Of course. After what happened to Liam, of course I want to protect the club.”

  The man nods in sad agreement. “Yes, his death was a tragedy, but the club has been keeping you safe ever since.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Go on, then,” he gestures towards her. “Whatever you’ve discovered, you must remember that the club’s interests as a whole must come above those of one.” 

  The woman nods once more and takes a deep breath in, feeling the cool air hit her lungs. “It was Killian,” she whispers. “Killian killed Rufio.”

~~~~

~~~~

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[makaias-trash-heap]

Soooooo lately ya girl here has been running into a lot of writing issues so I gave something a try...BACK TO BASICS FOR WHAT I ORIGINALLY MADE THIS BLOG FOR!!! First time I’ve written anything for my favorite Tsundere in a while. Enjoy!! Just more of my own self indulgent writing while I have no requests.

“Sooooo, guess who I just heard from.” 

Shin glanced up from his book with his usual blank expression, “Why not just tell me?”

Mira smiled and rolled her eyes slightly, “My parents. They called and asked me to come over for dinner for my sister's birthday this weekend.” She stated, plopping on the couch next to him.

Mirdorima raised an eyebrow giving her an intrigued look, “This is the first time they've wanted you over since we've been together nanodayo.” 

Mira hummed in agreement leaning into his side, naturally causing him to blush like always. 

“Are you going?” 

Mira shook her head, “Probably not.”

“Why not?”

“Shin, my family and I haven't gotten along in years. I've tried going over a few times and it always ends in a fight.”

She ignored the look he gave her in favor of playing with his fingers, a habit she picked up on when he still tapped them.

“Mira, they're still your family nanodayo. We've been together for nearly 3 years and I don't recall you seeing them at all.”

“Not true, I've seen my brother.”

“Mira.”

“Look, I don't want to go because I don't want to fight and that's exactly what will happen. Especially going now.”

He gave Mira a slight confused look, “What does that mean?”

She sighs turning to face him, “We've been together for about 3 years and aren’t engaged, I'm perfectly with how things have been going but my parents are incredibly judgmental and will nag and question why. There's also the fact that I’m 2 years older than you. And even though it’s incredibly stupid, my parents will not agree with the fact that I'm with someone younger than me. And to top all of that off I'm pregnant out of wedlock, big no no to my parents. We also fight about my brother everytime I'm there. I guess they invited him too so this is going to be twice the chaos.” 

Midorima adjusted his glasses looking down at her, “I understand these situations can be uncomfortable, but they're still your family and you haven't seen them in years. For all you know they may have changed from the last time you saw them.” 

Mira halfheartedly glared at him and sighed realizing this wasn't going anywhere, “You aren't letting this go until I agree to go are you?”

“I don't intend to.”

“Fine. But if I have to deal with them you're coming with me.”

He turned his full attention to her, “What! Why am I involved in this?”

“You got involved when you bugged me into going. And besides, as you've said, we've been together for 3 years, and you've yet to meet my family.”

If looks could kill Mira would be dead right now, multiple times over. 

“You'll see why I don't get along with them and I promise you'll never end up going with them again and you won't bug me into it.”

Midorima lets out a sigh leaning back into his seat, “I suppose. When are we supposed to be there?”

“Saturday at 5.” 

(Skip to weekend)

“Remind me again why we're here?” Mira groaned as they pulled up in front of her parents house. She ignored the slightly surprised look that snuck his way to his face. She’d given him warning that her family was pretty well off. 

He recovered quickly enough, “Because they're your family nanodayo.”

Mira rolled her eyes trying to mentally prepare herself for the interaction tonight. They climbed out of the car and started making their way up to the house. Mira spotted her brother coming up the sidewalk and waved.

“So you decided to come too huh.” Kenjuro said, returning the gesture.

“Not really, Shin forced me into it. I'm kinda surprised you came though.” 

He shrugged, “Boyfriend forced me to. He offered to come for moral support but you and I both know that that would have been a really bad idea.”

“How’s Reo-chan doing?” Mira asked as they started walking up the sidewalk to the house.

“Good. I watched him play basketball with his old team from high school. So that was kinda exciting .”

They finally reached the door and stood awkwardly glancing at each other until Midorima gently nudged her forward.

“Ok ok sheesh.”

Mira knocked on the door secretly hoping that her parents would ignore them and not answer….sadly that did not happen. Much to her dismay her sister Aika answered the door. 

“Hey Kenjuro, Mira.” Aika greeted them with a fake sweet smile.

“Hey Aika, happy birthday.”

Mira slipped past her with Kenjuro and toed her my shoes off pulling Midorima in behind her. 

“Hello Mira, Kenjuro. We're glad you could make it.” Her parents appeared at the door to greet them

“Hey mom, hey dad.” Mira forced a smile. 

“Who is your guest Mira?”

“Oh, right, Um, mom dad, this is Midorima Shintarou, my boyfriend. Shin, these are my parents.” 

“It's nice to meet you Hashigawa-San.” Midorima politely greeted her parents. 

“The pleasure is ours. Please right this way. Dinner is almost ready.”

Everyone started filing into the dining room, Mira and Midorima following behind last. 

“I don't understand your concern. Your parents seem rather pleasant.” He mumbled quietly so only Mira could hear it. 

“Oh, just wait for dinner. That's usually when the show starts.”

They all took a seat at the table, Kenjuro sitting as far as possible from their parents. Which left Mira and her sister to sit by them. Midorima sat next to Mira starting to notice the awkward atmosphere.

“So Mira. It's been a while since we've last spoken. What have you been up to?” Her father asked after a few moments of silence.

Mira hesitated a second before preparing to answer, this most likely this wasn’t going to go well.

“Working mostly, I just finished up art school not that long ago so I've been working freelance for a while. Making films for tourist companies, helping design Billboards, things like that.” 

Her parents stayed quiet before turning their attention to Midorima.

“Midorima-San, may I ask what you do for a living?”

“I am going into the medical field. I'm currently working on my internship at the hospital.” Midorima straightened up answering.

Mira’s father nodded, “Then a man as logical as you, you can't support this crazy dream of hers.”

Midorima froze and glanced at Mira before answering, “It's her decision to make and if it's something that she feels strongly about then naturally she has my support.” 

Her father was about to say something when he was cut off, “Now now dear, we're trying to have a nice civilized dinner tonight. Ok, this is a discussion we can have another time.”

Mira quickly turned her attention back to her food to avoid more questions. It worked for a while. Although this point Midorima was very uncomfortable. Kenjuro followed Mira’s lead but he's usually safe from questions. Their parents hate the fact that he's gay so they usually don't even acknowledge that part of his life. 

“Mira.” 

Mira looked up from her plate to see her mom holding the wine bottle out to her.

“Oh no thank you mom. I'm good.”

Aika snorted across the table, “wow, you of all people are turning down alcohol?”

Mira rolled her eyes, “do you really want to go there Aika?”

She shrugged, “I'm just saying for a while here sobriety was not your strong suit,” Mira shot a glare at her across the table, “oops sorry, did your boyfriend not know about that?”

“Do mom and dad know you've been sneaking into the liquor cabinet since you were like 14?” Mira shot right back at her.

Of course he knows, he helped her get her act cleaned up. Still a rather sensitive topic right now.

“Ok that's enough you two.” 

Mira rolled her eyes at her dads warning, ready to leave. On top of the unpleasant conversation, the constant nausea from the morning sickness was rough on her today.

“Mira, you ok?” Kenjuro asked, starting to notice her discomfort.

She just nodded waiting for the nausea to subside, “Yeah, stomach is just a little upset.”

Naturally Aika didn't seem to miss a thing.

“Oh my god you're pregnant aren't you?”

Mira immediately tensed up, hoping to completely avoid this topic, “What are you talking about?”

“You aren’t drinking which is pretty out of the ordinary for you, you’re randomly sick and I’ve noticed the weight gain.” Aika quickly insinuated.

Mira didn't answer, deciding instead just to get up and get ready to leave. Midorima grabbed her hand to stop her, it seems like he has other plans.

“They were going to eventually find out Mira.” He said, looking up at her.

“Is that a confirmation?” Her father looked back and forth between them waiting for an answer.

Mira sighs, “Yeah dad, it is. I'm pregnant.” 

Neither of the parents said anything right away. The tension gathering in the air was enough to show that this news was about to be either very well accepted or very poorly.

“We had the perfect life laid out for you. All you had to do was do as you were told and follow it.” Her father started to lecture, “First you turn down one of the best universities in Japan, and then rather than going to any university at all for a real career, you start to follow this ridiculous idea at some art school, and now you're 23 and pregnant. You couldn't have at least been decent enough to get married before spreading your legs for the first guy to take interest in you?!” 

For the first time in an argument with them, Mira was speechless. Her father certainly had a tendency to be cruel, but that was low even for him. He continued yelling, Kenjuro and Aika eventually getting involved in the argument. Mira started to tune out the yelling. This whole night has done nothing but stress her out, and stress is not good for her right now. She felt a sharp pain rip through her abdomen and lower back which snapped her back to reality and the current argument at hand.

“I don't understand where I went wrong with the two of you. My son is a faggot and my daughter is a who-”

���That's enough,” Mirodrima said sternly, “I understand you don't agree with Mira’s life choices. But you cannot control her. She is an adult and it's still her decision to make. As for her being pregnant. No it's not ideal timing right now. My parents were rather disappointed as well. 

We’re not married, and I’m only 21 years old and in medical school while starting this family, but we’re doing it. And my parents have never once referred to myself or Mira in such a derogatory manner.”

“Shintarou.” Mira grabbed his hand and squeezed to get his attention. 

He crouched by her side, “What's wrong?”

“Can we go? I'm starting to cramp badly and I'm just ready to go home.” She whined starting to stand up.

“Yeah let's go, but I'm going to call your doctor to make sure that things are ok before we go home.” 

He helped her stand up and started walking with her to the front door. He occasionally glared back behind them to make sure their family got the hint to leave them alone. Kenjro followed behind them to the car. Midorima helped her into the passenger seat taking her keys to drive.

“Feel better sis, call me later so I know things are ok.” 

Kenjuro closed the door and then went around to talk to Midorima who was on the phone. Once he hung up he turned his attention to Kenjuro to talk to him before climbing into the car.

“How are you feeling? Are you still in pain?” 

She shook her head, “No, it stopped for now. I just feel really sick now.”

He nodded and started the car. The ride home was fairly silent as he focused on the road and Mira focused on not throwing up. He pulled up to their apartment and he quickly came around to her side in case she needed help getting inside. 

“Your doctor said that as long as you aren't bleeding and you don't continue to be in pain that you should be ok. Sometimes some cramping isn’t uncommon, especially in stressful situations. But if they start again she wants us to come immediately,” He explained while they were settling in the bedroom, “so if you're in pain like that again I don't care what time it is wake me up and we’ll go ok.” 

Mira nodded changing into one of his shirts to sleep.

“Why do you insist on stealing my clothes all the time, you have your own dresser full of them.” He grumbled and changed as well.

“Oh stop whining,” She teased looking back at him, “I only steal your shirts and it's only for bed. Besides you never wear these.” 

He grumbled under his breath again while he settled in bed. Mira crawled in next to him and curled up into his side. He's finally used to cuddling with her...it only took him forever to do so. He turned on the lamp on his side of the bed signaling that he planned on reading for a bit before bed.

“Don't fall asleep with your glasses on again.” Mira said rolling over to turn off the light.

He scoffed, “that was once.”

She chuckled, situating herself into a comfortable position to drift off. Mira was nearly asleep when Midorima poked her in her back to get her attention.

“Hmm? What's up?” She rolled over and looked at him. 

“What your parents said earlier, it's bothering me.”

She sighed and sat up, “Just ignore it. Don't ever let anything they say bother you. Like you saw they're a bunch of judgmental assholes.”

He shook his head, “Nothing like that. They aren't bothering me. It just has me thinking. Are you really ok with how things are going?”

She cocked an eyebrow at his question, “I told you earlier I was. I mean, so long as you aren't planning on taking off on me anytime soon I'm perfectly fine with how we're doing ok.” 

He nodded, setting his book aside, “we should go to sleep.”

Mira leaned over and kissed Midorima before laying back down, “Goodnight Shin.”

Midorima returned the kiss and put his book away before laying down and wrapping his arm around her, “Goodnight Mira.”

[luviedovey]

the you i fell in love with

connor murphy x female!reader

a/n: not me writing a fic about mike faist’s connor murphy 2 years after he left the show...... also Connor is probably ooc 

summary: you were Connor’s girlfriend who lived in the next town over, a little over a half hour away. his family didn’t know about you, no one did. he didn’t want his family or anyone he knew to scare you away. in the end, it didn’t really matter. he was gone. when the Connor Project came to be and Evan resigned from being co-president, you ran into him. you questioned him about his “friendship” with Connor and he told you everything.

set after the Murphy’s find out the truth and before the Evan/Zoe reunion at the orchard.

second person pov

warning: a few swear words, also very brief mention of depression and taking your own life, and Larry Murphy kind of being a dick

word count: 5,573

______

“Who are you exactly?” Evan questioned the girl who pulled him off to the side of the supermarket where no one else was around. To say he was a little nervous would be an understatement, he was freaking out on the inside.

“I’m so sorry! I probably scared you half to death dragging you along like that.. I just have some questions for you, if you don’t mind answering..?” You smiled at him sheepishly. Something about your awkward smile eased his mind a bit, but not enough. “No, sorry my mom actually is waiting for me by the-” “It’s about Connor!” You interrupted, looking at him through sad, heartbroken eyes. “..Please. Evan Hansen. I know you weren’t really friends with him. I know you weren’t even secret friends with him.. Because if you were, I would’ve known.”

Evan looked around before looking back at you, confused. “Who are you?” He asked for the second time. “I’m- I was Connor’s girlfriend. Y/N L/N. I met him 2 years ago at the apple orchard you guys rebuilt?  We both went there because we thought that no one else would be there and that it would be the perfect place to escape. His family and classmates never knew about me because he-” you laugh slightly,” he was afraid they would take me away from him. Or that his family would fight in front of me and he’d lose his cool or that his sister would say nasty things about him to ‘spare me from being in a relationship with him’ or even that the bullies at his school would turn me against him even though he knew damn well I could never.” You stopped rambling and passed him a Polaroid picture of the two of you, sitting against the chain link fence that surrounded the old abandoned apple orchard. You were looking up at Connor with heart eyes as he smiled back down at you. A real smile. This was the real Connor Murphy.

Evan looked up from the picture at you, shocked before quickly returning it to you. “Oh my god... You must think I’m such a h- horrible person for doing all this and pretending to be best friends with your- your dead boyfriend- I’m so sorry for your loss by the way- and making up all these stories about things we never really did and starting a whole online campaign about-” “Evan!” He stopped ranting, breathing heavily. “Breathe, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth. Relax.”

It was silent for a moment before Evan mumbled a quiet, “Thank you.”

You smiled knowingly. “Now. Mind telling me everything?”

The two of you sat in your old beat up truck, as Evan told you everything. And by everything i mean everything. He started from the very beginning, “My dad left when I was 7 so now it’s just me and my mom. She works all the time at the hospital to support us and to pay for her education- she’s studying to be a paralegal- and so I’m usually home alone. I have anxiety so I take medication and go to therapy where I have to write a letter to myself hyping myself up for the day and trying to be positive and stuff-” “’Dear Evan Hansen’...”

He looked up from his hands at you, “Yeah.. Connor had one of my letters when he- um.. he took it from me earlier that day..” “It was your therapy letter? Why did he take it from you?” “Oh! You see he didn’t actually know it was a letter to myself for therapy he just thought I was being creepy and writing about his sister in a letter to print it out where he would find it and freak out and explode or something- That wasn’t why though, I didn’t even know he was in the room with me, I thought I was alone. He signed my cast before he read my letter, though. He said, ‘Now we both can pretend we have friends.’ Which is why I thought doing what I did would be okay but it wasn’t and it never will be and I really shouldn’t justify my actions because it was-” “Evan breathe.” “Right, sorry.” “Don’t apologize, it’s okay.” “Okay sor-” You gave him a pointed look.

“O-okay...” You giggled slightly, looking out of the window at the supermarket parking lot, “So.. he ran out with your letter, pissed because he thought you were fucking with him... And then he killed himself.” “Yeah.”

“So what happened after that?” “The Murphy’s showed up in the principal’s office three days later. I knew something was wrong because Connor and Zoe both weren’t in school and I know Connor skips but it’s not likely that they would both be out on the same days. Zoe doesn’t really skip school- she’s not that kind of person.” You nodded, gesturing to get to the point. “Right, they called me into the office because Connor had my letter and my name was on it so they thought the letter was for me. I tried to tell them it wasn’t- that I was the one who wrote it, but they were in denial. They kept reading parts of my letter back to me from memory, trying to make sense of it but I couldn’t tell them- I couldn’t get through to them....” He sighed.

“They invited me over to dinner and I went because I wanted to set the record straight but when I got there, they wanted to hear everything I knew about Connor. But I didn’t know anything, so whenever they brought something up I just nodded and agreed. Zoe was getting suspicious so I started to make things up. ‘Connor loved to talk about how much he hated skiing.’ ‘Connor took us to A La Mode and we ate our ice cream in the apple orchard where we climbed trees and raced across the open fields.’ ‘We would quote songs by our favorite bands.’ ‘We’d tell jokes no one else would understand.’ All lies. And they believed them. They wanted me to keep talking, they needed me to. They were broken and I just wanted to help them. I told them that we were friends on the internet where we’d email each other to talk about our day and stuff. And Connor would use a secret email account because he knew his dad was checking his regular email, and he didn’t want anyone to know we were friends.... Now that I think about it, this kind of sounds like your story.” You laughed, lightening the mood, and nodded.

“You know, you really aren’t that far off from who Connor was, despite the fact that you were making it up as you went. He wasn’t the monster that everyone thought he was. I mean sure in 2nd grade he pushed over a printer because he had a little tantrum about being skipped for line leader, but what kid doesn’t have a tantrum at least once in their life? It definitely didn’t help that all those kids grew up, making the story sound worse than it really was. He was always angry and stand-offish because everyone in his life would say shit about him that wasn’t true or be nice to him to get close enough to learn something new about him and then turn around and make fun of him for it. He was battling depression and needed help but his family didn’t want to believe there was anything actually wrong with him. I was the only one to believe him. To believe in him. But I’m just one person, and I guess that wasn’t enough..” You trailed off. Evan awkwardly put a hand on your shoulder, rubbing it with his thumb as a way to console you.

It was silent for a moment. “I think he would’ve liked you. It would’ve taken him a while to warm up to you, but I really do think the two of you could’ve been friends.” Evan smiled slightly, before frowning. “I pretended to be his friend for so long, but Alana- she’s the co-president of the Connor Project- started getting suspicious about our friendship, saying that the letters didn’t make sense because it sounded like Connor was getting better so I showed her Connor’s ‘suicide note’-” “Dear Evan Hansen, It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because, why would it be?”

“...Yeah. She believed me too. I told her not to show anyone because it was a really private thing, but she just said that was exactly what people needed to see. She posted it and people on the internet started to attack the Murphy’s, saying things like ‘They’re a rich family who couldn’t bother to pay for their son to get help?’ and ‘I’m not saying to do anything illegal but their house is the pale yellow house at the end of the cul de sac with a red door.’” Your hand flew to your mouth in shock. “They even leaked Zoe’s phone number and their house phone! Everything was just spiraling out of control and I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and the only thing I could think of to do was just.. them the truth. So I did and I told them everything. I wrote the letter, Connor took it from me, we weren’t really friends, and it was all a lie. I haven’t spoken to the Murphy’s since.” He fiddled with his hands in his lap and sighed. “And.. I’m scared. Scared that one day I’ll go to school and everyone will hate me or that the Murphy’s will ruin my life.. Not that I don’t deserve it, after what I did? I deserve worse.”

“Evan.. No one deserves that, especially not you. What you did wasn’t exactly the right thing to do but you had the best intentions.” He nodded silently, “What did you want to ask me earlier anyways?”

You turned, facing down at the wheel in front of you. “I wanted to ask you if you knew where he was buried.”, a tear slipped from your eye as you sighed, smiling sadly, “I didn’t exactly get to say goodbye..” “I could go with you if you’d like. To show you the way?”

“Thank you, Evan.”

___

During the ride to the cemetery, You and Evan talked, trying to lighten the mood, and quickly became best friends. The two of you didn't have so much in common but you were both very comfortable and supportive of each other. You were like the siblings neither of you had.

The two of you stepped out of the truck, and begun walking to Connor’s grave. “Oh! Hold on..” You turn back, grabbing a beautiful bouquet of red roses and pink tulips, with a small white card that said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you enough when you needed it, Connor. I will never forget you, mon amour. I love you, always.” Connor didn’t have a specific favorite flower but he did appreciate their meanings. Roses represent love, and tulips represent a declaration of love. You hoped that even though he was gone he would still appreciate the thought you put into it.

The two of you walked up to his grave. It was at this moment when it hit you that he was really gone forever. You dropped to your knees, carefully placing down the flowers. Tears streaming as you silently sobbed, Evan’s hand on your left shoulder and the ghost of Connor’s hand on your right.

“I’m sorry, Connor. I love you more than you’ll ever know..”

The two of you sat there in silence for a while, before agreeing to leave in case the Murphy’s decided to visit. Neither of you really wanted to run into them and have to explain who you were and why you were there. “Do you want to come over to my house? You look emotionally exhausted.” You laughed and nodded, starting up the car.

___

“Why didn’t you come to town sooner?” You sighed, “I just.. I didn’t want to believe that he was really gone, you know? And coming here, seeing his grave, and his grieving family just confirmed what I prayed wasn’t true.” You sipped on the hot chocolate in your hands, staring out of the window at the pouring rain and cloudy night sky. “Have you met them yet?” Evan mumbled, typing on his laptop on the couch beside you. He pulled up the Connor Project and read about all the many different things Alana was doing. “No.. But I feel like I should? Like I know things about Connor that would give them closure but I can’t bring myself to go over and talk to them.”

“If only there was a way for you to show them what Connor was really like so you wouldn’t have to talk to them...” It was silent for a moment, “Actually... Connor and I used to write each other handwritten letters and take a lot of pictures together..” “Well what are the odds..” he giggled, “Maybe you could give those to them? The ones that aren’t super personal?” You sat together deeply in thought.

“But I can’t exactly bring myself to just give them away... Maybe I could copy them and white out all the personal stuff? Like the things between me and Connor only, and my face and name?” Evan nodded, agreeing that that would be the best option. You’d create a box filled with things Connor wrote and pictures of when he was truly happy, then leave it on the Murphy’s doorstep. It was a safe, no-contact interaction.

___

The next night, you went over to Evan’s house with the box labeled “The Real Connor Murphy. (i’m so sorry for your loss.. i thought maybe you would like to have these to know who he really was.)” Evan gave you directions to the Murphy household. Eventually, you parked in front of the pale yellow house, all three cars were in the driveway. “You better be quick if you don’t want anyone to see you.. Just.. keep the car running, drop off the box, ring the doorbell, and book it back here and drive off. Don’t turn back.” “Okay super spy.” You laughed nervously.

You walked up to the door, placing the box neatly on the ground with a single rose and tulip tapped on the top, rang the doorbell, and ran off. You jumped into the car and drove off just as Evan, who was previously hiding away from the car window, saw the red front door begin to open.

___

“Larry!” Cynthia Murphy exclaimed, picking up the box from the front porch to the dinner table, placing it beside the small card they had found on a mysterious bouquet of flowers they found the day before against Connor’s gravestone. “What is that?” He asked, looking at it with disinterest. “I found it on the porch, it says ‘The Real Connor Murphy. I’m so sorry for your loss.. I thought maybe you would like to have these to know who he really was.’ It’s in the same handwriting as the note we found on that bouquet of flowers. It even has the same two flowers! It has to be the same person. Someone who really loved him...” “What’s inside?” Zoe asked while reading and rereading the small card.

Cynthia opened the box to find handwritten letters from Connor and a mystery girl, photos of Connor laughing, smiling, pouting, hugging and kissing someone with a scratched out face. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. This was the real Connor, a whole different version of him that the three were completely unaware of. Seeing him like this was just so unfamiliar to them, they couldn’t believe their eyes for a moment. Zoe picked up a letter, reading it aloud,

“Dear Y/N

Things haven’t been going so well lately, my parents are always fighting, my mom pretends like there’s nothing wrong, my dad doesn’t pay attention to anyone but himself anymore, and Zoe hates me.

Not that I blame her, I hate myself too. But I don’t hate myself when I’m around you. I’m so glad to have you around. You make life just a little easier every day.

It’s harder when you’re not around, I get angry easier when I get bullied at school or when Zoe says something awful about me. I just feel like I’m an airplane about to crash, but with you around I feel like I’m flying. Smooth sailing. Floating even. You are the most perfect girl I’ve ever met.

Thank you. I love you.

Sincerely, Con”

“He.. he had a girlfriend..?” She said, in shock. The three began to shuffle through the letters, photos, and little post-it notes, putting them in piles. “These are all copied..” “Maybe whoever left them didn’t want to give the originals away..?” “Maybe because she still cares about and loves him and didn’t want to give these away. They seem so.. personal.” Cynthia picked up a post-it note,

“Tu es belle Y/N, je t'adore.”

“What does that even mean?” Zoe pulled out her phone going straight to google translate, “It’s says ‘you are beautiful, i adore you.’.. I didn’t know Connor knew french.” “He never took a class for it. Maybe he learned it on his own?” Larry picked up a photo this time, Connor was standing in front of the apple orchard’s rotting old sign in the middle of the field, fake pouting and wearing a thin little flower crown you had made him. “I didn’t know Connor had any feelings other than anger.” Cynthia hit his arm. “Wait,” Zoe said, grabbing the attention of her bickering parents, “This letter has a picture and a post-it note attached to it.”

“Dear Con,

Thank you for the painting, it’s absolutely beautiful. You are so so talented. The way you put so much thought into every detail is truly admirable. You make everything you paint so exciting and captivating, even if the thing you’re painting isn’t very exciting at all. You see the beauty in the things that most people never give a second glance.

It kind of reminds me of the way I look at you.

To most people that don’t know you, you are a “freak” or “school shooter chic”. But, when I look at you, you are none of those things. You are beautiful, you are captivating, you are perfectly imperfect. You are worth it. Don’t give up on me darlin’.

I love you.

Sincerely, Y/N/N”

Attached to the letter was a photo of the painting mentioned. It was a painting of your beaten old navy blue truck parked beside a chain link fence that blocked it off from the open field. In the background, the sun was setting in a perfect blend of yellows, oranges, and reds. It was so detailed that if you weren’t already aware that it was a painting, you would’ve probably thought it was a photo taken from a fancy camera. “It really is beautiful..” Cynthia trailed off, wiping a stray tear that fell from her eye, “He was so talented. I didn’t even know he liked to paint! I mean I knew he took an art class but because he skipped school so much, I never even thought he went..”

“I guess we really didn’t know Connor at all..” Zoe begun to get angry, “What kind of family does that?! I mean we lived with him, I grew up with him, you two raised him, and we still didn’t even know who he was?! This.. this stranger even knew more about him than we did! Do you realize how sad this is? We have to learn about our dead family member from a complete stranger because when he was alive, we were too busy pretending like he was just acting out for attention instead of actually needing help! He needed help and we didn’t give it to him! It’s not like we couldn’t afford to take him to therapy! We just pretended like he was a monster and if we ignored him, he would stop..” She took a deep breath, “Maybe we were the monsters and his anger and tantrums were his cries for help...” “Zoe..” Cynthia reached for her arm but she pulled away, running up to her room while choking back tears. “..She’s right.”

The two were quiet for a long period of time, reading and rereading every letter and every note, memorizing every photo.

Cynthia held up a photo of Connor and a girl, whose face was completely scratched out, “Who are you..”

___

The next day was a particularly warm day so you and Evan drove over to A La Mode as a victory ice cream run of sorts. You really believed in treating yourself after small, seemingly insignificant, victories such as dropping off a box of precious letters to a grieving family. They needed closure, and you were willing to give it them. Evan, despite talking about A La Mode with the Murphy’s before, had never actually been. You two talked and ate your ice cream sitting in the back of your truck, looking out at the orchard across the street. The orchard was renamed the “Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard”, which made your heart a little heavy. Another reminder that he was really gone.

In the distance, on the other side of the fence sat the Murphy’s who were packing up from their weekly picnic. As they got up to walk out of the orchard, Zoe looked across the street. “Wait a minute..” Her parents stopped walking. “What is it Zoe?” Larry asked. She pointed at the car parked across the street, “Isn’t that the car that Connor painted his girlfriend in that letter? And Evan?” They looked across the street to find the same navy blue truck and a familiar face.

Evan paled, “The Murphy’s are looking at us!” he whisper-shouted. You began to turn around, but Evan stopped you. “No don’t look!” Your head whipped back to him as your face paled, “They recognized my car..” “How could they? It was night time when you dropped off the box and the door barely begun to open as you drove away..”

You smiled sheepishly, “I may or may not have given them a picture of a painting Connor made me of my truck parked beside that exact fence...” Evan facepalmed and gave you a deadpanned look. “Well they’re starting to walk across the street now.”

You shot up, “Let’s go.” “I mean would it be so bad to meet his parents?” Evan asked as the two of you scrambled into the front seats. “I’m just.. I’m not ready to have that conversation just yet.” You reversed out of the parking spot and drove back onto the road.

“Wait!” The Murphy’s shouted to the car as it begun to drive off. “There was a girl driving. Maybe that was her?” Cynthia asked, hopefulness clear in her voice. “She was with Evan, do you think the box of letters were fake?” Larry, always the optimist. “They couldn’t be, they were handwritten in Connor’s handwriting. Even the french notes.”

Zoe thought for a moment, “Well if we’re going to find her, we should probably start with Evan’s place first.” “Who said we were going to look for her?” Larry asked, “I’m not wasting my time on a wild goose chase. She’s already shown us enough about Connor.”

Cynthia turned to her husband, “How could you say that? She could be the one thing to bring us closer to our son. Our son who took his own life because he felt that that was the only path left for him. And you don’t want to try to find her? Find closure? Honestly Larry, what is wrong with you lately!” “I’m sorry. We’ll find her.”

___

The Murphy’s found themselves at the Hansen household. They knew you were there. After all, your truck was parked in the driveway. Inside were you, Heidi, and Evan. You had just met Heidi, but she loved you. She was thrilled to find that Evan had made a friend like you. You hung out with Evan even after learning he lied about being friends with your recently deceased boyfriend, and helped him when he started to rant and breathe heavy about it. You were so kind-hearted, forgiving, and calm by nature, that he was finally comfortable around someone. You were quickly best friends.

A knock at the door startled the three of you. “Are you guys expecting anyone?”, Heidi stood up to get the door as you and Evan turned to each other. He placed a hand on your shoulder to comfort you. “I suppose now’s a good time as ever, even though I really only had 24 hours to prepare myself..” You muttered, the two of you walking towards the front door.

The Murphy’s stopped and stared at you. “Are you.. Were you Connor’s girlfriend?” Cynthia asked. You nodded slightly, rubbing your arm as a nervous habit. “I’m Cynthia, this is Larry and Zoe.. We’re Connor’s family.” “I know.”

Heidi invited them in, everyone heading to the living room. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.. We just wanted to thank you for all the letters and photos of Connor. It feels like we’re finally getting to know who he really was on the inside.” You looked up from your lap, “No offense ma’am, but shouldn’t you have gotten to know your own son when he was still around?”

Zoe laughed, awkward and uncomfortable. “I really don’t think that’s funny.. especially considering you didn’t bother to get to know him either.” You said getting defensive, sticking up for Connor. Even if he was gone, you would never stop fighting for him. You did truly love him after all. “And before you say ‘Connor wasn’t easy to talk to. He would always yell and storm off.’, just think about the fact that having a relationship with someone is a two way street. You can’t expect someone to make an effort if you don’t try to do the same.”

The three looked at her in shock. Heidi and Evan smiling sheepishly in the background. “I..”, Larry started, but trailed off, not being able to come up with a proper response. Cynthia and Zoe looked deep in thought, unable to do the same.

It was quiet for a long amount of time.

“You’re right. You’re right and I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. And the only thing we could do now is learn from our mistakes. We don’t exactly know how we’re going to do that but we’re willing to try. And we’re hoping that you could help us? Help us figure out what to do and help us learn about who Connor was?” Zoe finally spoke up, her parents nodding along in agreement.

You were trying to heal from everything that happened and them putting all their hope on you wasn’t really helping. But maybe grieving together would allow everyone to heal and remember him in a more positive way? At least you hoped.

There’s a lot of hope pinned on others here.

“I suppose helping you all would let us heal.. together?” You said, slightly questioning your own words, turning toward Evan. He shrugged, giving you a thumbs-up. “But I don’t feel comfortable talking about Connor unless Evan is around.” You paused, “It’d be nice to have a familiar face around and we’re practically best friends now.. so..” “Yes of course.” The three stood up, walking to the front door, “We’ll come back here at 11AM tomorrow and drive to the orchard for a picnic if that’s alright with the two of you?” You and Evan nodded simultaneously. “Are you allergic to anything dear?”

With the shake of your head and a quick goodbye from Evan and Heidi, the Murphy’s were off.

“Am I doing the right thing here? Connor didn’t even want his family to known I existed! And now we’re going on a picnic with them? Where I have to talk about him?” You sat down, head in your hands as a headache begun to grow. Heidi placed her hand on your shoulder gently, “It’s going to be tough right now, and it’s going to be emotionally draining, I’m sure. But, if you really think that they deserve to know who he really was, that how they perceive him is wrong, then I think you are doing the right thing. You’re helping them, you’re helping yourself, and you’re helping Connor. You did say that he wanted to change the way people saw him. And you’d be doing that for him, even if he’s not physically around to see it happen.”

“Thank you, Heidi.”

___

“It’s really nice of you to agree to meet us here, Y/N. And Evan, it’s nice to have you here too.” Cynthia smiled, putting down a blanket for the picnic. Everyone sat down in an awkward silence.

“So... is.. is there anything you wanted to know that wasn’t already in the letters?” You asked, picking at the blades of grass beside you. Evan slapped your hand away from the grass, silently scolding you in true forest ranger fashion for messing with nature. The Murphy’s turned to each other, silently debating what to say and who would say it. No surprise to you and Evan that the one to speak up was Cynthia. The past couple of hours really showed that she was the only one who seemed to care, at least a little bit, about Connor when he was around, though Zoe and Larry were trying their best now.

“Why didn’t Connor bring you around to meet the family? It really seemed like you brought so much light to his life. I mean, you brought out parts of him that we didn’t even know existed!” “We thought he was a monster...” Zoe muttered sadly.

Your heart ached for this family, they really knew nothing about him.. “Connor didn’t bring me around because he was afraid you’d all ‘scare me off’,” you laughed slightly, “And Connor may have been a monster to you, but the real Connor was never a monster, to me or to anyone in my small town. In the next town over, no one knew who Connor was or what he’d done in the past. It was like a fresh start. Which I knew he desperately needed. I mean, with all the people bullying him, hurting him physically or emotionally or both, and spreading fake rumors about him since he was in the second grade? He was angry and hurting and he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he would lash out. But wouldn’t you react the same way? Build up walls so people wouldn’t hurt you? Isolate yourself so people couldn’t get close enough to?”

It went silent again, the only sound was the wind blowing in the summer breeze and the trees rustling in the background.

“She’s right.”

Everyone looked up, faces showing some form of shock. Larry continued, “All that stuff was going on in school and we made it worse for him at home. He asked us for help and we always assumed he was doing for attention. No matter how hard we tried to be a perfect family, we never were and we probably never will be.”

Zoe wiped away a stray tear. “Even though you couldn’t save your kid, maybe there’s a way you could save someone else’s?” He turned to you with a questioning glance. “I mean you have to admit, you’re a pretty wealthy family, maybe you can spend some time donating to suicide prevention hotlines and foundations that were created specifically to help those who are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts like Connor was? I know for a fact that Connor hated the way that he felt, and would never want anyone to go through what he’d been going through, no matter how much of an asshole they were.”

Cynthia reached over to you, placing a hand on your knee, smiling as tears fell freely from her face, from all of their faces. “That’s a brilliant idea, Y/N.”

___

The picnic went on as you told them stories of your’s and Connor’s adventures together. Jumping over the fence to lay around in the yellow fields of the old orchard, helping your mom arrange flowers in her flower shop (he would always make sure his bouquets were well thought out in their meaning), buying junk food and snacks when having movie marathons on a Saturday night, sketching and painting moments together so you two would never forget them.

With each little story, his family knew more about him and you felt as close to him as you had been before that heart-wrenching summer day. 

You fell behind from the group as you all walked out of the orchard. Turning back and taking one last look at the entrance, the fields, and the growing trees of the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard, you notice a figure dressed in black standing with his back against the fence. He gave you a smile, a genuine yet sad smile, mouthing the words “thank you” and “i love you”, before disappearing in the wind.

[killiansprincss]

Could This Be Us?

This is my work for @csjanuaryjoy​ this is my first year taking part and I’m excited to share with you all! I’ve made it my goal to write more this year and this seemed like the best way to do that goal! This is just a cute fluff missing scene that I hope brings you joy!

Also on A03

Summary: set in the few weeks before 4b when everything was clam, Emma and Killian agree to babysit Neal and Emma slowly begins to let down her walls and Killian becomes vulnerable. Pure fluff. Babysitting adventures.

___

Emma was happy. The Snow Queen was gone and Gold was banished to the real world. There was nothing and nobody that could hurt them anymore. They could begin their normal life, well as normal as a town filled with fairytale characters could be. Her parents were Snow White and Prince Charming and her boyfriend was Captain Hook, so it was a little crazy, but for the first time in her life, Emma was truly happy.

She goes downstairs to see her parents cooing over her baby brother. Again, still weird that she was 30 and the same age as her parents, and had a newborn baby brother. Even weirder that he was named after her dead ex boyfriend, but his death did allow them to defeat Zelena. And she couldn’t tell them the horrible things Neal did to her, it would only ruin their sense of hope and belief that everyone could be a hero.

“Morning Kid, want me to drive you to school?” Emma asks her son, as she pours her coffee.

Henry spent 4 days at the Apartment Lot with Emma and his grandparents, and the other 3 days at Regina’s. It was their best attempt at normality, and Henry seemed to like spending time with David, dropping not so subtle hints that he wanted to take up sword fighting lessons.

“It’s okay Mom. I think I’ll walk, Ivy is meeting me early as we’ve got our science project due today so we need to go over everything.” He tells her. He was getting pretty friendly to this Ivy girl, Emma was sure he had his first crush, but wouldn’t say anything in case she ruined anything.

Checking the time and realises she’s late, she takes a final sip of her coffee before saying, “I’ve gotta go. Killian’s helping out at the station today and I’m meeting him at Granny’s for breakfast.” It had become a weekly tradition to meet Killian for breakfast, she was getting him to try everything on the menu, and this week was Pancakes with bacon and maple syrup.

“Wait, Emma before you leave.” David says, picking up Neal from his crib. “We wanted to know if you and Hook would babysit tonight. We haven’t had a night to ourselves in a while.”

Emma smiles, “We would love to. And since when do you approve of Hook babysitting? Does this mean you like him now?”

David rolls his eyes, but can’t stop the smile from his face. Truth is he was warming to the fact that a pirate was dating his daughter, he was a good guy, he cared for Emma and he was proving day by day that he wasn’t the man he was years ago. “He’s still a pirate dating my daughter, so he’s under careful supervision. But if he makes you happy I’m not standing in your way.”

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Morning love.” Killian waits for Emma outside the lot, which he really didn’t have to do seeing as he lives in the room he rents at Granny’s.

She gives him a quick kiss, and takes his hand as they start walking. “So my parents have asked us to babysit my brother tonight. I told them we would, I hope that’s okay.”

Killian gives Emma a worried look. “Just so you know Swan, I know nothing about babies, I’m not so sure how helpful I can be.”

Emma smiles at her boyfriend, he could’ve easily said no, but he didn’t. “That’s okay. I didn’t raise Henry, I also don’t know the first thing about babies, so it’ll be an adventure for both of us.”

Killian was so lucky. He truly was the luckiest man in the universe. He never imagined Emma would be with him in the way that she is. He also never imagine he would help look after her baby brother with her. If Liam could see him now, he hoped he would be proud.

They walk into Granny’s hand and hand and sit down in the booth. Emma orders them both Pancakes with bacon and maple syrup, and waits patiently to see what he thinks of them. She shows him that he has to cut into the fluffy circle stack and pour the syrup all over them, the more syrup the better.

His eyes go wide as he chews and realises it’s delicious. “It’s so sweet. This is breakfast food?”

Emma laughs as she digs into her plate. “Oh yeah it’s breakfast all right. I don’t know what you eat for breakfast in the Enchanted Forest but we have many sweet options in this world.”

“Much better than the things I was eating whilst at sea.” He says as he pours even more syrup onto the pancakes.

“And what was that, Rum and more Rum?” She teases as she takes a bite off her plate.

“Ha-Ha Swan. Contrary to your belief, I did eat actual food as a pirate. Not nearly as sweet as this though, it consisted of dried fruits and nuts, then once we docked into port, we were able to have bread and other fresh pastry delicacies.” He chooses to leave out that in Neverland his diet did consist mainly of Rum and non poisonous fruit from the Island.

Emma smiles. This is what happiness looks like. Watching her pirate boyfriend eating Pancakes for the first time. She could get used to it.

/\/\/\/\/\/\

That night, Killian comes over around 6. Her parents had decided to go to a restaurant in town that wasn’t Granny’s, but after constant reminding that Emma had their number to call should anything go wrong. Not that it would. Hopefully.

Emma’s donned her leather jacket for some comfy clothes, leggings and an oversized hoodie, hair in a messy bun. Not her usual sheriff, or saviour look. Killian however is still in his modern leather jacket and jeans, not quite understanding that babysitting would be much easier in comfy clothes.

“Here, put these on.” She tosses him a pair of David’s clothes, sweatpants and a grey t-shirt, hopefully her dad won’t mind, he did say he was liking Hook more and more every day.

“Swan, the clothes in your world are utterly ridiculous.” He says as comes out of the bathroom, looking a lot less like a pirate, and more like a man.

Emma smiles, she had to say he looked good in sweatpants. “Trust me if Neal pukes all over you, it’s a lot easier to get it out of an old t shirt that it would out of leather.”

Killian looked vulnerable. For the first time really. She’d seen him in a lot less clothing before, but she never noticed how vulnerable it makes him look. Underneath all the leather, was a man who had been broken before.

He looks down at his Hook, “do you want me to take this off?”

Emma immediately tells him no. “I don’t see why you should. It’s a part of you, and he’s gonna have to get used to it.”

Killian smiles, the little prince will have to get used to it. Because he’s not going anywhere, he’s sticking around. He will never leave Emma like all those before.

“So where is the Little Prince then?” He asks.

Emma leads him over to the crib in the corner of the room, “Do you want to hold him?”

Emma trusts him. Wholeheartedly. So he agrees to hold the baby.

Neal fusses at first in Killians arms, but he fusses with everyone. He just needs to get used to it.

“Am I doing it okay Swan?” Killian asks as he fusses, but he isn't crying which is a good thing.

“You're doing great.” Emma smiles at him. This was a rare sight, Captain Hook in sweatpants holding a baby. Emma was getting butterflies in her stomach looking at it. She and Killian had been together for a few months now but she could already see a future with him. Being with him was so different than it ever was with Neal, even Walsh, despite it being all fake, was so different to Killian. He never tried to shower her with gifts or presents or big romantic gestures like Walsh. Killian was just there, by her side. And that's all she wanted.

“I think the Little Prince likes me.” Kilian beams as Neal starts laughing at the faces Killian was pulling.

It was scary. Emma was sure she was in love with him. She just couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud. Because as soon as she said them, things would change between them and it would become real. When she told Neal she loved him, he left her. Killian wouldn't leave, she knows that. But it still scares her.

“Oh no. No. Swan. What’s happening, why is the little lad crying?” Killian asks frantically, starting to panic that he was doing something wrong.

“He’s hungry,” Emma tells him, grabbing his bottle from the counter. “This should be warm enough by now.”

Killian takes the bottle and gets Neal to drink.

“You gotta make sure you’re holding his head, it’s sensitive at this age.” Emma says making his arm support her brother's head.

“You’re good at this you know.” He says as she helps him. “How is it you know all this?”

“Just watching my mom do it really. Also, my cursed memories of me raising Henry. Even though it didn’t happen, I remember learning everything from the books. I remember staying up all night when he cried, and learning how to be a mother at barely 18.” She decided to confide in him, she’s never told anyone about her cursed memories, or about her time in prison, but she feels like she can confide in him, tell him anything without being judged.

“I was 17 when I gave birth, cursed or not, I turned 18 a month later and a few weeks after that I was released from prison. It wasn’t my finest moment, but in my cursed memories I had Henry to keep me going. When I woke up and got my memories back, it made me wish I never gave him up. Because those 12 years were the best 12 years of my life.”

It feels good to open up. She’s letting him in slowly, but it feels nice. He doesn’t pry, he doesn’t ask too many questions, he just listens to her.

“After our father abandoned us, Liam practically raised me. I felt empty and hurt, but Liam, he was there even in my darkest days. The best years of my life was when we were in the Navy together, before it all went wrong.”

They were two halves of the same coin, both abandoned and lost everyone they ever cared about. But together they were healing, both themselves and each other.

“I think he likes you!” Emma says wiping her tears away as Neal becomes fascinated with Killian's Hook.

Killian looks down at the little prince in his arms to see him trying to grab his Hook with his tiny little fingers. “Everyone likes me Swan. I’m not surprised your brother does too.”

“I didn’t like you at first.” Emma teases.

“Aye but my charming wits and looks won you over eventually.” He teases back, causing the smile that he loves to see.

It would be so easy in this moment to say the three words. Killian knew it the moment she kissed him back in Neverland, and in the missing year he realised how much he loved her when he thought he’d never see her again. But he knows better. If he said the words right now, it would cause a rift, and maybe cause her to run. So he doesn’t, he will wait for her to say the words first. He’ll wait forever to hear her say it, it doesn’t matter. As long as they’re together.

“I think I’m getting the hang of it Swan!” He speaks too soon as he begins to rock the little prince to sleep, he decides to bring up the contents of his tiny stomach all over Killian.

Emma tries not to laugh, but she can’t help it as laughter fills the lot.

She takes Neal from Killian so he can clean the sick off his shirt, “told you this would be a better idea, imagine trying to get that off your leather vest. There's another one of David shirts on top of the dryer, you can put the dirty shirt in the basket with the other dirty laundry.”

Looking after her baby brother with her 300 year old boyfriend is honestly not even the weirdest thing about her life at the moment. But it’s something that she never thought she would be doing, she was 17 when she gave Henry up and she thought she would never want kids, or even be ready after that. But just seeing how good Killian was with her brother, it got her thinking could she want this life? It wasn’t off the table. A baby with her hair and Killians eyes. Maybe one day.

___

“He won’t stop crying. Why won’t he stop crying?” Emma cries. They had been trying to settle him for almost an hour now and she’s getting tired. If this was a recurring thing then maybe having a baby of her own wasn’t something she wanted. Especially as it was barely 8.30.

“What else can we try?” Killian asks with Neal in his arms trying to send him to sleep by rocking him slowly.

“I don’t suppose you know a lullaby?” Emma asks, half joking, not really expecting him to.

Except he starts to sing, or hum a melody. It’s quiet enough that she can’t hear the lyrics properly, but Neal seems to like it. So much so that it stirs him off to sleep.

Emma’s really impressed. “That doesn’t sound like a sea shanty. Since when does Captain Hook know a lullaby?”

“My mother used to sing it to me and Liam. Before she died that is.” He tells her, putting Neal down slowly into his crib.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don't be, love. It was a long time ago.”

“Can you tell me about her?” She asks.

“I was 5 when she died, Liam was 8. I don’t remember much about her, Liam probably remembers more. But I know she was tough, she wouldn’t have taken my fathers bullshit. She used to sing that to Liam and I every night before we went to sleep. I sang it to myself sometimes on the Jolly in Neverland after Liam died. It comforted me.” He brushes it off as if it’s nothing, similar to how Emma talks about her past. She takes his hand and interweines their fingers as she leads them back to the couch.

“I like hearing stories about your past. About your pre-pirate days. Reminds me you weren’t always cursed.”

She wraps her fingers around his Hook, she’s never been afraid of it. Or afraid of the man attached to the Hook. She can’t help but imagine one day a baby with her hair and his eyes fiddling with his Hook the way her brother did tonight. And that’s scary.

Emma has a way of seeing the good in him, despite his cruel actions she sees beyond it, sees the pain it’s caused him in the past few years as he attempts to better himself. “I certainly was cursed with bad luck but sadly my actions were of my own accord. But I’ll tell you one story of the time Liam and I got caught in a storm at sea. Liam was a Lieutenant at that point and wanted to prove he could handle it, the stubborn arse.”

And so he tells her stories of his time in the Navy. He tells her anything she wants to hear, and he realises this is the first time anyone has really asked about Liam, or his past. The women he spent the night with back in the Enchanted Forest, well they never did much talking. And with Milah, she was focused on forgetting her past so didn’t care much to ask about his.

“I wish you could’ve met him. He would’ve loved you.” It’s nice, speaking about Liam, telling her the stories he hasn’t really ever told anyone-or thought about in centuries.

Snow and Charming return a few hours later, to find their daughter and Hook asleep on the couch, Emma’s head resting on the Pirates chest. Snow smiles at the sight, and even David isn’t appalled at the sight either, appreciating that his daughter is happy. Snow grabs a blanket and covers the two of them.

“Is that my shirt?” David whisper screams at his wife seeing the pirate wearing his clothes.

[formless-monkeys]

What is your favorite relationship(s) in the show (romantically or platonically, doesn’t matter!)

Anon you will regret opening pandora’s box. Or not. In any case, this post is going to be very long because I’m full of love. Also, anything marked romantic does not need to be romantic for me to lose my shit over them. In no particular order, either. Just in the order I thought of them.

1. The Black-eyed trio

Characters: Otto, Sparx, and Gibson.

Type: Platonic, Romantic,

Explanation: These three are grouped together by virtue of not being obscenely powerful and serving more practical uses on the team. Also, their eyes are all the same color. Besides the poetic connections of the colors of their design, they were alone in the robot together while the other three monkeys were out training.

Sparx and Gibson’s interactions give me life, going from playful jabs to genuine fighting right back to ride-or-die is amazing. The beginning of Night Of Fear, the battles in Brothers In Arms, and a bunch of small moments throughout the series are wonderful for this.

I could write an essay about Otto and Gibson, and someone else already has, but I’ll summarize it as ADHD autism solidarity with a side of Shut The Fuck Up Gibson. They care about each other and learn to respect each other in a way that’s better for both of them. I know a real-life Gibson to my Otto and learning that she’s just pretentious and doesn’t really hate anyone, and figuring out that we’re both equally brilliant and incredibly similar has made life a million times better.

Otto and Sparx don’t have as much development as Gibson with both of them, but their jokes together and general trust is amazing. Sparx is the dumb monkey and Otto supports him in his himbo endeavors. 

These three together make an unstoppable technical team, and the only reason they probably couldn’t be a superhero team on their own is because of the raw power and fun dynamics brought by the other half of the team. 

Romantically, these three would make the DUMBEST polycule ever. There is no true mediator here. It’s three dumbasses figuring out how they could possibly share a twin-sized bed when they have the ability to just make a bigger bed. Gibson calculates the most efficient 3 monkey makeout and none of them follow the statistics. They all give Chiro equally useless and conflicting advice on homework. Trying to give them a mediator in the polycule just makes me go back to shipping polymonkeys because I literally can’t decide if Antauri or Nova go better with them.

2. Quiet trust and encouragement

Characters: Otto, Antauri

Type: Platonic, Romantic

Explanation: When Otto is being dismissed by the other monkeys, or by the show itself, Antauri is usually the first to say “that’s bullshit, Otto is wonderful”. Circus Of Ooze is a notable example, but there are little moments in other seasons as well. 

I just love the idea of the historically MOST SERIOUS and strongest monkey, sometimes even elevated to god-like status by some fanworks... paired with the monkey that has been infantilized and disrespected to no end. I personally like making Antauri have to lean on Otto, just to subvert that even further. 

Beyond spite, I ship this simply because I like their dynamic. Antauri needs someone to ground him with more tactile physical things, and Otto needs someone to share his more nebulous thoughts I can’t imagine the others listening to. I love them.

Also, I want Antauri to unlock his true dumbass potential. He has the abilities, but not the will. Be silly with Otto. I want to hear him snort-laugh.

I literally forgot all the silver monkey stuff but I got three fics about that you know I go nuts over mechanic x robot shit.

3. The monkeys and their human son.

Characters: Chiro, Antauri, Nova, Sparx, Gibson, Otto

Type: Familial

Explanation: This family gives me joy. They were forced together through astronomical means and they made the best of it. 

Everyone living in the robot is absolutely fucked up. They help each other in the darkest of times. They lift each other up when it’s light. They are a perfect team and nobody can be missing without it feeling wrong. But they can add people!

“Girl Trouble” as a concept is AMAZING to me but my secondhand embarrassment is so strong that I hate the episode. But never once is any of the monkeys resentful of Chiro. Not even Mandarin is like “wow I wish he didn’t take my place” no he’s also struck with the urge to nurture this kid to his fullest potential. Whether you see the team as a bunch of older siblings or 4 dads and a mom doesn’t really matter, they’re a family.

I mean, this also has a sprinkling of shipping all the monkeys in a really domestic way because I like seeing my optimal future in characters I like, but like literally all of these, it doesn’t need to be romantic for me to go nuts. I just think it would be fun to throw just a big monkey wedding or whatever. And funnier for Antauri to go “Chiro I’m having a baby. The baby is you” and holding up adoption papers because on the principle of Toby “Radiation” Fox I love that joke, especially when made much less weird than the original context.

I have a set of characters who is just 5 people in a polycule raising kids and living life because I really love this concept as a family.

4. Evil Coworkers

Characters: Mandarin, Sakko

Type: Romantic, Platonic,

Explanation: Why the hell are these two, in particular, working together? SK could’ve put Mandarin with literally anybody else and he chose what on the surface appears to be the LEAST compatible person on the account that they’re both monkeys. Some bitter asshole who now looks like the epitome of toxic masculinity and this tiny pink pet who used his femininity both as an advantage and a style. They’re different but it ends up working really well for both of them because they’re different in ways that cover each other’s bases. It’s wonderful. Pink and Orange go well together. Green and Purple go well together. Mandarin and Sakko go well together. Also, they clearly trust each other. During almost the entirety of “Hidden Fortress” Sakko was presumably just chilling inside of Mandarin’s armor. Mandarin trusted him enough to have Sakko in a place where he’s able to mess with his cybernetics, and Sakko trusted Mandarin enough to go into the battlefield with him and probably get tossed around.

If they were both human and in a more modern media, then they would definitely be shipped in the straightest way you can get without actually being straight. The Straightest Gay Ship. 

5. A Witch and her Accidental Evil Coworker

Characters: Skelemandarin, Valeena.

Type: Platonic, Romantic, 

Explanation: These two have been through some shit. Skelemandy was made to serve Skeleton King only to have that purpose yanked away from him. Valeena was groomed to idolize and serve Skeleton King for nearly her entire life. They were forced together by SHEER CHANCE and they both hated it. Arguably they both died at some point. 

They both have absolutely NOBODY they can trust so let’s make them trust each other. All hilarity and sweetness comes from that. 

Their dynamic is so good that I have them on a blog for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FANDOM and people love them with no context. 

This is the only cross-species ship I have (besides chinmay and the antauri ships but that doesn’t count), but the fact that Skelemandy isn’t actually a monkey and needs no cybernetic assistance to be human-level sentient makes it a lot less weird. Just put them on equal ground power-wise (like by nerfing Valeena’s magic) and you have the ingredients for bonding. 

They have like, no cute moments in canon, but that’s why we have fics and art. They have potential. I want them to help each other figure out who they are without their purpose. I want them to survive this horrible life together. I want them to figure out how to trust again. I want a lot but Valeena is fucking dead.

But she doesn’t have to be.

(Also Valeena is REALLY HOT and Skelemandarin is just me as a monkey)

6. Gay Dads

Characters: The Alchemist, Captain Shuggazoom

Type: Romantic, Platonic

Explanation: Oh my stars. Oh null. Oh me oh my hhougfhfakjghf. These two have the angst of Mantauri but on crack. 

They only appeared in about two episodes each and all three episodes are top tier. They call each other “Friend” multiple times in their shared episode. THEY’RE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!! The face Al makes when he realizes that Cap is visiting makes me really happy. The fact that Cap had this whole Batman Double Life thing and he shows the Alchemist BOTH OF THEM is amazing. The alchemist is a hermit living in the woods and he lets Cap into that life. 

There isn’t a lot shown, much less than everything else here. But that makes every single fanfic so much richer since they’re almost completely based on headcanons. Friends who have a mutual crush on each other but are No Homo about it? Secret boyfriends? Husbands with 6 monkey kids? An Old man and a grumpy Skeleton making it work? Literally just platonic friends? Dude, you can do whatever you want. 

The tragedy of these two losing each other to one big horrible event crushes me. It influences my every move in my creative work. I have an entire character dedicated to reuniting these two in the most astronomical and ridiculous way possible because the alchemist angered the gods but she thinks he needs some company in his eternal punishment.

I want Clayton to unlock Al’s less serious, more fun side. I want them to work together. I want them to hold hands. GHGHGHDFBG UTTHTYE CNAZSNT EBCV ASUA ER

7. The girl power duo

Characters: Nova, Jinmay

Type: Familial

Explanation: These two were my only comfort during the uncomfortable nightmare that is “The Hills Have Five”

Nova was the one who trained Jinmay, and it seems like they hang out a lot offscreen in season 4. They fulfill the early 2000′s cartoon archetypes of girl and Girl, so they’re supposed to get along. If they didn’t I probably wouldn’t like Jinmay.

Nova is a really good big sister/parental figure to Jinmay, who never had any family to speak of. 

Anyway, this entry has to be shorter because most of their bonding is in “The Hills Have Five” which is either #1 or #2 in my least favorite episode list. Not because it’s bad, but because it makes me viscerally uncomfortable. I really wish literally any other character than Jinmay was in her role in that episode. Or that the “taken to an offscreen area by an adult man while she screams” just wasn’t there. SHE’S 13!!! Nova did literally all she could to help. 

I really like that scene in questionable where Valeena kills almost the entire gang. It’s what they deserve.

Look I just really like Jinmay and I always have. She deserves a good Mom.

8. "My Second In Command”

Characters: Antauri, Mandarin

Type: Theoretical

Explanation: The fandom has really made this ship go from “literally nothing to stand on” to “integral plot point in a lot of fics”. Seriously. I have TWO screenshots that vaguely imply these two ever stood next to each other on the battlefield. This was entirely title-based and fan-made until ProjectAfectivity interviewed Ciro. Yeah he knows Antauri but only as well as the rest of the team. Anyway. Wow. This ship.

This is by far the worst breakup in history. These two, despite what Antauri says, were on equal ground at some point. According to Ciro (and fan speculation), they trained together. This (and other Mandy ship) changes wildly depending on if you think Mandarin was corrupted by the portal or not. Maybe Mandarin was once a kind leader who just crossed the wrong boundaries and paid for it. He could’ve held Antauri gently before battle. He could’ve been the monkey Antauri went to when he needed someone to talk to. He could’ve hyped the team up like Chiro does.

Or maybe, they were constantly fighting against each other in small ways. An incredibly unhealthy relationship, yes, but an interesting story. I like stories where Antauri isn’t this all-knowing pillar of stability. He’s got weaknesses. One of them may have been Mandarin.

Now that’s a good nickname from one to the other.

Imagine Antauri, in a moment of complete trust, declaring Mandarin his weakness. A sweet sentiment. They both know the other is incredibly strong, and trust that the other would never take advantage of that connection. They love each other. Until...

9. "My Closest Ally”

Characters: Otto, Mandarin

Type: Theoretical

Explanation: Okay I'm looking at the screenshot I put for this entry while also having watched Evil Ages recently. My brain is making uncomfortable connections. Combine that with the fandom and the show’s general treatment of Otto and I’m about to slam my head into a wall. I really do not like that, but I feel like there’s somebody out there who does. 

Anyway, this is Gibotto and Ottauri but with all the spice that shipping Mandarin with one of the other monkeys brings. When done well, it’s all the respecting Otto that comes with Ottauri and all the intimate partnership of Gibotto. And the Angst of Mantauri, but a lot more grounded. 

It paints a lot of stories. A story of a single point of comfort in a world Mandarin thinks is out to get him. A story of powerful validation from the one authority in Otto’s life. Of letting your guard down. Of trust, then breaking that trust.

I’d LOVE to see some things with Mandottotauri because that’s epic and cool and poggers. Don’t see a lot, though.

10.The Hets, I guess.

Characters: Jinmay, Chiro. 

Type: Romantic. Platonic. Canon.

Explanation: Look two entries on this list are polyamorous and four of them are mandarin so I have to say SOMETHING for the heteroes following me. Picked this ship over Spova because when I was a young child still suffering from comphet, I never watched the last episode of the show. I only saw up to season 3 at the most. This was the only canon ship for me. And out of all the ships, it’s the most relatable. I’m currently a teenager with black hair who looks really good in eyeliner dating a girl with pink hair who can pick me up and is unbelievably sweet. Except we’re gay and polyam. Wait a second I totally had a crush on Jinmay as a kid and now my gf is the Jinmay in this situation. Oh my god I was going to make this comparison if I did Spova too and I liked Nova.

ANYWAY

These are two LONELY kids. Chiro had bullies during school, and now he doesn’t even go to school. Jinmay hasn’t really had friends at all. Two kids with places in their universe that they aren’t too sure about, and just need someone to lean on. Their date was cute. They instantly bonded over their love of monkeys and I love that. 

The super robot is sometimes an analog for Chiro, in the first two season at least, and the way the super robot held Jinmay’s hands to keep her steady on the COB while her head flew in was SO SWEET. Chiro’s instant recognition and reaction to Jinmay’s head being thrown at the team, as well. He really loves her.

I think it’d be interesting if she didn’t love him back, though. I might take a stab at writing that.

[backtothestart02]

Hazy - 8/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: And the drama continues...

Commissioned by @andie1223

...

Chapter 8 -

While Linda embarked on her apparent genius mission to free Barry from the hospital walls – or at the very least keeping him from confessing any sort of atrocity that could end him in serious trouble if he was wrong – Barry took some time to dwell on his situation, the lighter aspect of it at least, mainly Linda.

He was grateful for how giving she was being in this particular matter. It was different in this timeline because she didn’t have feelings for him. He didn’t feel like he was betraying her by actively pursuing Iris at the same time he was “with” her. She wanted Scott, which amused him to no end but also made him unspeakably happy because that meant the editor would never have a chance with Iris. Not even one date. He was sure Scott was bitter about that.

Linda was so easy. And in the best way. She wasn’t complicated. She didn’t overthink. She accepted people as they were. And she loved herself shamelessly, yet not in a way that was selfish. She was fun and pretty and everything you could ask for in a girlfriend. But, and this was always it for him, she wasn’t Iris.

Things had never been so complicated with Iris. Not even in his original timeline. Barry felt like he was in a soap opera that wouldn’t end. At every turn there was more drama, some that was sparked by him and some that wasn’t. He didn’t know how to make it stop, and he was growing weary of trying. It exhausted him.

All he knew was that he wanted Iris any way he could get her. If that meant pursuing an affair, so be it. If he was stuck in this timeline indefinitely, he wasn’t going to live the rest of his ordinary Flash-less life without her as his romantic partner. It just wasn’t happening.

Convincing her to divorce Eddie was a huge hurtle that would take a long time to overcome, but as long as he could capture her for stolen moments, that would be enough for now.

Iris was extremely loyal though. He knew now the fantasy that had unraveled before him while he stood in her doorway would never have been a reality. Not yet at least. Her restraint was too high, and she was too far in denial to believe she could have feelings for someone that wasn’t her husband.

It had been hard enough to convince her she had feelings for him when Eddie was just her boyfriend, but now as her husband… He had ultimate control. Barry wondered how far that went.

“Knock, knock,” a deep voice sounded as the being belonging to the voice walked in and shut the door behind him.

Barry felt chilled to the bone as he locked eyes with the blonde, blue-eyed detective at the center of his thoughts. He couldn’t even summon the courage to say his name. He just stared, waiting for whatever horror Eddie would bring down on him.

Eddie’s eyes traced over Barry’s injured figure before meeting his eyes again.

“You look like shit.”

Barry swallowed. Eddie’s eyes narrowed.

“I know what you’re thinking. That it was me who did this to you. That I was in such a rage over seeing you and Iris together at the gala that I beat the crap out of you until you wound up in the hospital.”

Eddie took a seat on the far side of the room.

“Well?” Barry finally mustered. “Didn’t you?”

“I’ve thought about it a time or two, I’ll give you that. Beating you up until you’re near paralyzed, teaching you a lesson to never come near Iris again.”

“Nothing happened.”

“I know that too. Iris told me. At first I thought she’d called you to take her since I wasn’t…available.”

“You’re a shit husband, Eddie.”

Eddie’s hands clenched at his sides.

“Iris is devoted to you, and yet still you treat her as if she’s cheating. All she wants is to openly be friends with me again. Is that so much to ask?”

“Do you regret kissing her at our wedding reception?”

Barry hesitated. “That feels like a lifetime ago, Eddie.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

Barry debated between lying to his face to save his relationship with Iris and saying the God’s honest truth just so he could breathe again. The truth was he didn’t remember kissing Iris at the reception, because he hadn’t been in this timeline for that. The memory for it hadn’t even surfaced for him. Not yet at least, which gave him a small ray of hope. Maybe there was still time to get back to where he belonged.

“I shouldn’t have waited so long,” he said at last. That was a truth he could always say wholeheartedly.

“Why you little-” He rose up from his seat and strode across the room.

“What I mean is…before she met you,” he was quick to say, not wanting to get pummeled some more. “I’ve been in love with her since I met her. I had plenty of time to tell her, and I didn’t. I should’ve told her before.”

Eddie’s brows furrowed, apparently not knowing how to take that.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t, because she’s my wife now, not yours.”

Yeah, I know. Not my fiancée either, he thought glumly. But his eyes were wide open, not daring to look away from the madman unraveling before him.

“She was never anything but my best friend,” Barry said.

“And now she’s not even that,” Eddie said. “Got it?”

Barry’s brows narrowed.

“You’re not just hurting me by keeping us apart. You’re hurting her too.”

“She’ll get over it.”

“After a year? Come on, Eddie. We’ve known each other since we were 10!”

“This is not why I came down here.”

Barry shook his head in disbelief.

“Then why did you?”

Eddie wrapped his hand around one of the metal bars on the bed.

“To make sure you don’t blame this incident on me. I’m not losing my job over you. I’m not losing Iris over a false confession.”

“Who else could’ve done it?” Barry spat. “You punched me, Eddie. Multiple times. I blacked out. When I came to I was in the hospital.”

“That’s not because of me. I didn’t even know you blacked out. When I left you, you were still groaning on the floor. I figured you’d get up after a few minutes and go home. Besides, I had to deal with Iris.”

“And how exactly did you ‘deal with’ Iris, Eddie?” Barry’s brows narrowed. He had to fight from digging his nails into the bedsheet.

“I don’t like what you’re implying.”

“Then set me straight. Tell me you didn’t hit her.”

Eddie’s eyes widened in horror. He took a step back.

“I would never.”

“The Eddie I thought I knew wouldn’t throw more than one punch, and yet you threw several.”

“Barry, I swear to God, I didn’t come back later and beat the living daylights out of you. Iris snuck down after we’d gone to bed to see if you were gone, and when she found you barely breathing, I was the one who called 9-1-1. If I wanted you dead, I would’ve buried the evidence, not left you…half-alive just outside our loft.”

Barry hated it, but he found himself believing Eddie.

“So, who did it then?”

Before Eddie could answer, the doctor strode in, Linda quick at his heels, trying to flirt but failing to thwart the doctor from his mission.

“Barry! You’re up!” The doctor smiled proudly. “You should keep a watch on your girlfriend here. She’s trying to sweep me off my feet!”

Linda laughed nervously.

“I’m sure she was just being nice.” Barry sent her a look.

“Wait. Girlfriend?” Eddie looked between Barry and Linda. “I thought-”

“Are you ready to tell me what you remember, if anything?” The doctor interrupted.

Before Barry could answer, Iris and Joe barged through the door.

“Eddie!” said a scandalized Iris.

“Barry!” said a relieved Joe, who then glared at his daughter. “I told you he couldn’t always be sleeping, Iris.”

Iris swallowed hard.

“Barry?” The doctor asked again.

“Uh…yes, I’m ready.”

“Great. Go ahead then.” He pulled out his no pad and clicked his pen so he could write. “For the record.”

Barry looked around the room at all the expectant faces.

“If you guys wouldn’t mind?”

For a moment, none of them moved, and then with one big sweep from Joe they started to exit the room.

“Linda,” Barry called out to her. She turned around. “Can you stay?”

Joe seemed somewhat wounded by his preference, but Iris tugged her dad with her.

“Yes, of course,” Linda said, coming over to his side and taking a seat to hold his hand. “I’m nothing if not a supportive girlfriend.”

The last thing Barry saw out of the corner of his eye was Iris watching with curiosity as he lifted Linda’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of it.

…

Once everyone else was gone and the door shut, the doctor looked at Barry expectantly.

“Well, son, what do you remember, if anything?”

“I remember…”

Linda squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back, but he didn’t catch her gaze and completely missed her intention.

“Doctor,” she interrupted. “How important is it for Barry to remember something?”

“Well, very if you’d like the attacker caught and charges brought against him.”

Barry sent her a look, which she ignored.

“And how often does that happen even with the right information?”

“Linda.”

“What, Barry? I’m a reporter. Let me do my job.”

The doctor was clearly amused.

“I take back what I said earlier, Barry. This one is clearly a keeper.”

Barry smiled despite himself. Linda beamed.

“The truth of the matter is, dear, I have to put something down to send over and add to the police report or the police themselves will come in and ask.”

“Do they really make that a top priority though?” Linda interjected again.

“Linda!”

The doctor waited for the mini-squabble to subside before continuing.

“Your girlfriend is right, Barry. The chances of this being at the top of the list are slim. In fact, the only way it would make it to the top I’d say is if you were accusing one of their own.”

Linda’s eyes widened, and she shot that gaze right at Barry.

“Are you?” the doctor asked.

“No,” Barry said instinctively. “I thought…no.” He shook his head.

“What did you think, son?”

“Tell him, Barry,” Linda urged.

“I was jumped,” he said. “I remember that.” The doctor started taking notes.

“Do you know by who?”

Barry shook his head, and Linda held in a silent sigh of relief. He could feel that through the loosening of her grip on him.

“They sounded like someone I know, but I…I just can’t place it now. I’m sorry.”

“So you’re saying you didn’t see who it was, you only heard them?”

Barry nodded. “Yes.”

“What else do you remember? Anything? Where were you at the time? Outside the West-Thawne residence, correct?”

Barry tensed, and Linda smoothed her hand over his, so he’d relax.

“Yes,” he made himself say.

“And why were you there?”

“To drop Iris off.”

“That’s Mrs. West-Thawne?”

Barry told himself to breathe silently.

“Yes.”

“The two of you are close?”

“We grew up together.” He paused, then decided to expound upon recent details. “We bumped into each other at a gala, and I didn’t want her walking home alone, so I offered to escort her and she agreed.”

“Sounds like you’re a good guy to have around, Barry. If not for your presence, the attacker might’ve gone after Iris.”

The idea of Eddie treating Iris the way he’d treated him made Barry feel sick to his stomach.

“I’m very glad she’s okay.”

“Does her husband like you?”

“Excuse me,” Linda butt in. “How is that relevant?”

“Just a question,” the doctor explained innocently, then turned to Barry.

“We tolerate each other,” Barry said. “He’s very…possessive of his wife.”

The doctor eyed him carefully.

“You say the voice was familiar to you, but you can’t pinpoint exactly who it was.”

Barry nodded, avoiding eye contact now.

“That’s right.”

“Anything else?” Linda was quick to ask. “I think we’ve established Barry does and does not know, and he does not know who attacked him.”

The doctor’s lips thinned in a humorless smile.

“You are quite right, dear. And persistent.”

Linda smiled proudly right back at him.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“As you should.”

With the tension in the room rising, Barry was eager to dissipate it. The last thing he needed was a full-out brawl between Linda and his doctor.

“Of course it is up to you in the end if you want to file any charges,” he said, looking at Barry.

Barry forced an acknowledging smile.

“I just know I would…in case it happens again.”

Barry’s eyes widened, and Linda’s jaw dropped.

“Are you threatening him?!” Linda asked, outraged. She stood up.

The doctor held up his hands defensively.

“Not in the slightest. Sometimes attackers come back to-”

“Finish the job?”

They all turned to see Iris in the doorway.

“Iris.” Barry frowned. “What are you-”

“Mrs. West-Thawne, your friend here requested your absence during his-”

“Interrogation?”

He sighed. “I was hardly interrogatin-”

“Yeah, more like threatened,” Linda muttered.

Iris’ eyes went wide. “What?!”

The doctor waited a few beats then said, “I’ve overstayed my welcome.” He looked at Barry. “I’ll be in tomorrow morning to check in on you. Hopefully we can get you in some protective wear and home soon. The nurses will probably stop by every couple hours.”

“That sounds good. Thank you, doctor.”

The doctor nodded his appreciation, then exited the room, not so much as chancing a glance at the two women on either side of Barry who were glaring at him.

“You have a terrible doctor.” Iris continued to glare.

“You’re telling me,” Linda practically growled.

“He’s just doing his job,” Barry offered pathetically.

“Thank you for being here for him,” Iris told Linda. “I really appreciate it.”

“Well, someone had to be,” Linda practically barked, and Barry felt the tension go through the roof.

“What’s that supposed to me-” Iris started, but Barry cut her off.

“Iris, could you get Joe for me? I’d like to see him now that I’ve finished talking with the doctor.”

Iris bristled. “Well, yes, of course. But…about that-”

“Please?” He cut her off again. This time there was a hint of snark in his voice.

With Linda in his corner, he felt more secure.

Iris swallowed.

“Yes. Yes, of course. I’ll go get him.”

She turned to leave, then stopped at the door.

“I’ll come visit you tomorrow, Barry.”

If Eddie lets you, he almost said aloud, but he kept his mouth shut.

“No need,” Linda spoke up for him. “The doctor said he should be getting out tomorrow. He’ll probably need all the rest he can get.”

“R-Right. Well… I’ll get my dad.”

She turned away, and Barry heard the hitch. She was near tears if not already crying. He glared at Linda after Iris left.

“What?” she demanded. “She deserved it.”

“She did not deserve to cry.”

“It means she’s feeling guilty, and she should. If she’s determined to visit you other than to find out what you told the doctor, I’ll be surprised. Just…relax. Your number one priority doesn’t always have to be Iris. Especially with the way she’s been treating you recently.”

“It’s Eddie that’s the problem, not-”

“And yet you protected him.”

“I protected Iris.”

“Wait a minute, you don’t think he’s hurting her, do you?”

“I don’t know. He told me he didn’t come back later to beat me up, and Iris doesn’t have a scratch on her, but-”

“You have a bad feeling.”

He shrugged helplessly.

“Are your feelings usually right?”

Barry looked down before meeting her gaze again.

“Lately they’ve been all over the place.”

Relief colored her face.

“Then let’s hope this is one of those times where you’re wrong.”

She squeezed his hand.

“I’m sure the only thing escalating in that household is their voices. Let me go get you some water. I’ll hand it to Joe when he’s on his way in.”

Barry nodded hesitantly.

“Okay. Thanks, Linda.”

“What are fake girlfriends for?” She chuckled, and he felt his mood lighten.

It didn’t last. The door closed, and he was plunged into his dark thoughts again.

Eddie wouldn’t hurt Iris… Would he?

...

*will be posted on AO3 and FFnet when beta’d.

[tatyana-dreaming]

thoughts on Il Trovatore, pt 2

so, upon revisiting Il Trovatore and listening to it almost exclusively for over a month now, I’ve made some observations.... and also revised my initial reaction of “YOU’RE CANCELLED!!” re: the plot and characters

First, I’ll address what I find the most disturbing: of course, the whole burning people thing. I don’t even have the energy to go into the whole “wrong kid” plot point, because... yeah, nope. (Although “this is your brain on trauma” could actually be a valid explanation of that, if we want to go there.) But you know what, the sad truth is that people have done this shit to other people (and especially women/witches) for ages and especially in the original setting of this story, so it’s only being historically accurate, which I can respect. Kind of along the lines of respecting that Carmen is murdered in her respective opera; it represents a truth in the world (as long as it’s not done in a way in which that behavior is condoned).

What I still have a problem with is Azucena’s label of “Gypsy” (her mother as well) and the inevitable negativity/villainous narrative that comes along with that, which has always been and continues to be harmful to Roma people. No amount of sympathizing with Azucena and her mother (and I believe we are SUPPOSED to sympathize with them!! If you don’t... I won’t even go there.. that’s like watching Carmen and going “good, she’s dead now”) rids us of the fact they are still villains* (or, at least in the case of her mom, a criminal/intruder) and we know how harmful that narrative can be when applied to entire groups of people. Anyways. It is what is is, but as long as we can acknowledge it and spark discourse, I’m satisfied. This was also 1853 and the story was even older, so. Context + Critical Thinking.

*oh yeah, by the way - is it pretty clear that Azucena was behind di Luna finally killing Manrico?? The first time I saw it, I really thought she was a) just flat out psychotic but also b) really a loving mother who didn’t want her ‘son’ to be harmed, but seeing it again and then learning how the opera was originally to be named ‘The Gypsy,’ I got the impression maybe she had orchestrated Act 3/4 to happen the way they did, since it didn’t look like Manrico was gonna End di Luna. What do you all think? Is it obvious to you or do you think it’s supposed to be ambiguous/Azucena is just pretty unhinged and chaotic?

Then, of course, we have the RIDICULOUS Leonora/Manrico/Di Luna rivalry! Or, more correctly, just di Luna antagonizing people :) Somebody give that guy a hug (before everyone is dead at the end and all he can say is “e vivo ancor!“ heheheh oh cruel, sweet, dramatic irony) 

Count di Luna really reminds me of Claude Frollo in Notre-Dame de Paris (oh gosh, why do all these stories - Carmen, Trovatore, Notre-Dame) revolve around Gypsy women!? it’s the Threat to the Order I suppose). They are both “vampires” in a way; they are after the immutable radiance - call it what you will (life-fore? joy? love? innocence/optimism? willingness to live? willingness to love?) of their respective “prey” - Esmeralda, Leonora. These types of guys of course don’t actually LOVE these women, they are compulsively obsessed with the idea of them  - whether as angels or demons - and the need to possess them. Both Frollo and di Luna are willing to completely deny the actual feelings and agency/sovereignty of being of Esmeralda and Leonora, respectively, to “sooth their tortured souls”  (both, of course, blaming their victims for igniting fires within them). These vampires end up sucking the life force out of their prey, whose only option is to withdraw themselves from the living world in order to escape their predator (well, that’s what Leonora did. Esmeralda was unfortunately murdered because unlike di Luna, Frollo’s ultimate enemy was himself and his relationship to his faith... I think Not that THAT didn’t leave a body count of course. Anyways it’s been awhile since I read that book and wow this tangent has gone on quite long enough).

Well, Leonora ain’t about to take that crap. She actually knows what she’s about and she really puts 110% into her game. So what if her boyfriend is really less than ideal?? She knows herself, she knows what she wants, and she’s dead straight about her goals in life (I’m not saying they’re great) and no one can stop her. If I can support Juliet and her actions, I can support Leonora, because a) not only do their stories take place in the same era (I believe?? please correct me if you’re more familiar with the original story that inspired the opera) and b) being women characters in such settings, they really were at the mercy of the men in their lives (read: what happens to people like Azucena who choose to live outside of the suffocation of society - or the cloister) and their main way out was... well... to take themselves out. Which makes me a whole lot more appreciative of Leonora’s plot line, even if I can still be objectively angry about it because no one deserves that shit, period (and yet especially women have suffered through it for eons upon eons, so yes, it hurts). But that’s art - if it gets you thinking or feeling, it’s working right!

And you know what I realized? Leonora and Azucena are the ones who get what they want in this opera. (Okay, di Luna gets to take out Manrico, but that’s not what [cough, who] he really wants). Time to split this into part three and finally get to my realizations with some examples from the libretto because for the life of me I cannot say this all concisely :)

[haec-est-fides]

Filodox’s Trials of Apollo Reactions [Part I]

Welcome to part one of a reflective journey through Trials of Apollo ft. my original ebook annotations! I’ll be your host, 2020!filodox.

For this first episode, we’ll be going back to May 2016, the beginning of it all: The Hidden Oracle.

Annotations for this round are brought to you by 2016!filodox.

Is there anything we should know before we begin, 2016!me?

2016!filodox: I swore on the Styx never to read another Riordan book after he killed Octavian. And yet here we are.

... Alright then! Let’s get started.

But first, a more detailed overview on how this series will work: I will excerpt bits and pieces of the books based on what I highlighted / annotated on my first read. Beneath each quote, I will share what I wrote in the annotation. Below that, I will (occasionally) laugh at my past self, clarify the note, or say how my view has changed.

I encourage questions, comments, and concerns (of which there may be many), so go ahead and use that replies feature if you feel so inclined! However, these are just my opinions and (occasionally) emotional reactions, so no hate pls. <3 (Or, if you do send hate, pls make it funny.)

Now, diving right in with Riordan’s dedication!

To The Muse Calliope. This is long overdue. Please don’t hurt me.

2016!filodox: Hurt him. He didn’t even name the chapters.

As you can see, I had yet to experience Lester’s haiku and was already mad based on the table of contents alone. I went into this series very salty...

I inflicted a plague on the Greeks who besieged Troy.

2016!filodox: At least he did something right. Once.

I was just,,,extremely ready to die on Octavian’s hill. (Though I was a huge Troy / Aeneas stan before all this, just to be clear.)

Is anything sadder than the sound of a god hitting a pile of garbage bags?

2016!filodox: I actually find this particular god crashing into a dumpster quite amusing.

I also blamed Apollo for what happened to Octavian. I think that had a lot to do with how Apollo acted on Delos in Heroes of Olympus, basically disowning Octavian and whining about how some “creature” scammed him? That was bullshit. Apollo needed to own the fact that he blessed Octavian, but he just abandoned him and denied all the blame. TL;DR I had a grudge, okay?

My mind stewed in confusion, but one memory floated to the surface -- the voice of my father, Zeus: YOUR FAULT. YOUR PUNISHMENT.

2016!filodox: Wait, is this bc everyone blames Octavian and therefore Apollo? Bc lol but also no?

*cough* Octavian did nothing wrong 2k16 *cough*

Zeus will reconsider, I told myself. He’s just trying to scare me. Any moment, he will yank me back to Olympus and let me off with a warning.

“Yes...” My voice sounded hollow and desperate. “Yes, that’s it.”

2016!filodox: Apollo is a self centered frat boy, I forgot...but it is slightly...endearing? *narrows eyes*

Ah, how close I was to stanning Lester in the first chapter, when he was at his most “goddy”. You know, I actually made a rule for myself when I started reading Trials of Apollo that I would not under any circumstances stan Apollo. That was a naive goal, because it was never really a danger.

Regardless, Zeus had held me responsible for Octavian’s delusions of grandeur. Zeus seemed to consider egotism a trait the boy had inherited from me. Which is ridiculous. I am much too self-aware to be egotistical.

2016!filodox: I am going to Murder him.

*chef kiss* the hypocrisy ! the lack of self-awareness !

“I just...I assumed -- I hoped this would be taken care of by now.”

“You mean by demigods,” Percy said, “going on a big quest to reclaim the Oracle of Delphi?”

2016!filodox: That sounds like a decent quest, or you know, QUESTING FOR THE SIBYLLINE BOOKS

I’ve always said I can see the future but an inch to the left. Also, I don’t like Ella.

It warmed my heart that my children had the right priorities: their skills, their images, their views on YouTube. Say what you will about gods being absentee parents; our children inherit many of our finest personality traits.

2016!filodox: AND HE’S MAD ABOUT OCTAVIAN?!

I mean ?

Apollo, when Austin and Kayla show ambition: THEY GOT THAT FROM ME <3

Apollo, when Octavian (or Nero, or Caligula) shows ambition: srry i don’t know him ??

He had a weak jawline, an overlarge nose, and a beard that wrapped around his double chin like a helmet strap. His hair was curly and dark like mine, except not as fashionably tousled or luxuriant. His lips curled as if he smelled something unpleasant. Perhaps it was the burning seats of the bus.

2016!filodox: Nero ???

Not quite sure how to feel looking back at this moment. Call out post @ myself for instantly recognizing Nero, when afaik this scene was before we had any hints that Roman emperors were even a plot point? But here’s the thing: I don’t remember why I could recognize him so easily. I don’t remember where 2016!me obtained this ancient Rome knowledge. A mystery.

On another note entirely, did Nero really like,,,astral project into Apollo’s fever dream to address him directly? Because Rhea does. And sometimes Python does. But Nero? Can he do that?

The man laughed as flames licked at his purple sleeves. “You’re not sorry yet, but you will be. Find me the gates. Lead me to the Oracle. I’ll enjoy burning it down!”

2016!filodox: I too enjoy burning things down. # Nero confirmed

My only comment here is “oh you sweet summer child,,,”

Oh. Perhaps some of you are wondering how I felt seeing [Will] with a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend.

2016!filodox: No, actually. I wasn’t wondering. I was plotting how to kill you, them, and quite a few other people. Do you think I could trade you for Octavian?

Oh man, back at it again with the salt. XD

I could only remember my conversations with Octavian, the way he’d turned my head with his flattery and promises. That stupid boy...it was his fault I was here.

A voice whispered in the back of my mind. This time I thought it might be my conscience: Who was the stupid boy? It wasn’t Octavian.

2016!filodox: I can’t really...explain my emotions upon reading this. I’m still not quite okay, but this...it’s bittersweet in a way. I don’t know if this is a poor attempt at a proper closure, the author’s way of beating a dead horse, or just a way to make Apollo seem pitiable. Whatever it is... Octavian was important enough to remain in Apollo’s mortal memory. He somehow made promises to a god and had Apollo wrapped around his finger. And despite being so much like Apollo, the god blames him. Like everyone blames him. But Apollo also realizes, accepts on an infinitesimal scale, that “it wasn’t Octavian”. He wasn’t perfect, but neither is Apollo. Apollo is (at least) subconsciously admitting his own guilt in the whole affair.

...yeah. I will note that this bit isn’t meant to develop Octavian, but rather uses Octavian as a prop to support Apollo’s development? Which is why it still stings. Like thanks, I guess.

“Your judgement in the past has been...questionable. I wonder if you have chosen the right tools for this job. Have you learned from your past mistakes?”

2016!filodox: Nero has made plenty of mistakes to learn from

Love how I just assumed it was Nero back in chapter 10 and went with it, zero hesitation. Also love how I heard Python say Nero has made mistakes and went “oh absolutely”. In fact, here’s something funny in retrospect that will become more and more apparent: I did not like Nero in 2016. Or, at least, I thought I didn’t. There’s something really odd going on here that baffles me, looking back...

“A triumvirate is a ruling council of three,” I said. “At least, that’s what it meant in ancient Rome.”

“Which is interesting,” Rachel said, “because of this next shot.” She tapped her screen. The new photo zoomed in on the building’s penthouse terrace, where three shadowy figures stood talking together....

2016!filodox: Is it bad that I’m smirking? Because it’s getting interesting ~ *clear malicious intent*

Wow, edgy. Triumvirates are just a neat, Roman thing and I stanned.

“The last triumvirate I dealt with included Lepidus, Marc Antony, and my son, the original Octavian. A triumvirate is a very Roman concept...like patriotism, skullduggery, and assassination.”

2016!filodox: THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE. MODERN OCTAVIAN IS A VERY GOOD ANCIENT ROMAN. POLITICS, ESPECIALLY SHADY AF POLITICS AND POWERPLAYS, ARE QUINTESSENTIALLY ROMAN. Also, I’d like to note that it’s confirmed, in this universe’s canon, that Augustus was a son of Apollo.

Ohhhh, wait. I think I’d watched the HBO series Rome by 2016, which would at least partially explain my ancient Rome knowledge. (Amazing tv show btw!)

“He heard them talking in Latin.”

“Latin? Were they campers?”

Pete spread his hands. “I--I don’t think so. Paulie described them like they were adults. He said one of them was the leader. The other two addressed him as imperator.”

2016!filodox: !!!! (obligatory 💕)

I was such a simp for Latin in high school. And the Roman Empire. Still am, but hey.

“The Beast is planning some kind of attack on your camp. I don’t know what it is, but it’s going to be big.”

2016!filodox: Runs in the family I guess

The Octavian / Triumvirate parallels are everywhere... 👀

“The emperors made themselves gods. They had their own temples and altars. They encouraged the people to worship them.”

2016!filodox: # deify me

*smacking my past self with a stick* You stop that! Edgy child!

Anyway, a much better point here is like,,,the Imperial cult was huge in the ancient Roman world. Looking at Apollo’s explanation here, why did only the “worst” three emperors get to be immortal? Did famously “good” emperors like Augustus and Marcus Aurelius have the option of becoming minor gods, but they chose Elysium or something? Are there slightly less infamous emperors just hanging around anywhere as minor gods? A lot of Roman emperors live on in human memory is all I’m saying.

“Wait!” Will said as I reached the door. “Who is the Beast? Which emperor are we dealing with?”

“The worst of my descendants.” My fingers dug into the doorframe. “The Christians called him the Beast because he burned them alive. Our enemy is Emperor Nero.”

2016!filodox: I honestly can’t believe it took this long to reveal this? Was anyone surprised?

Nero’s reveal is rather late in the book compared to Commodus, Caligula, and even Tarquin iirc? But it makes sense, being the first book of the series. Also love how 16-year-old me was like “this reveal is silly because everyone, like me, recognizes Nero on sight” and didn’t question that assumption at all.

“Germani.” Instinctively, I moved in front of Meg. The elite imperial bodyguards had been cold-blooded death reapers in ancient Rome. I doubted they’d gotten any sweeter over the centuries.

2016!filodox: BITCH. See? This is why I love Rome. They knew what they were doing.

Ngl, as someone of Germanic heritage, I felt really represented by the Germani, which is hilarious on so many levels.

He tried to compensate for his ugliness with an expensive Italian suit of purple wool, his gray shirt open to display gold chains. His shoes were hand-tooled leather, not the sort of thing to wear while stomping around in an ant pile. Then again, Nero had always had expensive, impractical tastes.

2016!filodox: I don’t exactly like Nero, and actually think he was quite the shitty emperor, but I guess I mildly respect and “like” him on principle (in this book at least).

OH YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD. I was so convinced that I didn’t actually like Nero, despite all of the lowkey evidence to the contrary? Who hurt you, past me? (Lmao, it was Tacitus, Suetonius, and Cassius Dio.) My working theory is that I was too much of an Emperor Augustus stan at the time to admit liking Nero. It’s hysterical. Look at me equivocating like a champ.

I’d been so proud of my son, the original Octavian, later Caesar Augustus. After his death, his descendants became increasingly arrogant and unstable (which I blamed on their mortal DNA; they certainly didn’t get those qualities from me).

2016!filodox: I’m glad Apollo and I can agree on something. Augustus was amazing and those who came after him...significantly less so.

See! The propaganda really got to me, what can I say?

Nero clasped his hands as if in prayer. “Oh, my. It seems we’ve had a slight miscommunication. You see, Apollo, Meg brought you here, just as I asked her to. Well done, my sweet.”

2016!filodox: This was obvious but I still find it...gods, the only word I can think of is “delicious”

. . .

“The Beast killed my father. This is Nero. He’s -- he’s my stepfather.”

I could not fully grasp this before Nero spread his arms.

“That’s right, my darling,” he said. “And you’ve done a wonderful job. Come to Papa.”

2016!filodox: Okay, but we should have known this since it became apparent her weapons were Roman. Also, oof. Also also, WHY did Riordan feel the need to add that last line? Why?

ASDFGHJKL: I CAN’T

“After the fire, we’ll rebuild,” he said. “It will be glorious!”

2016!filodox: The amount of times I have used this very logic is worrying.

For (some) context, Firelord Ozai is my favorite character from AtLA. <3

The scene might have been funny except that the Germani were now back on their feet, five demigods and a geyser spirit were still tied to highly flammable posts, and Nero still had a box of matches.

2016!filodox: Oh, I find this plenty amusing!

The emperor stared at his empty hand. “Meg...?” His voice was as cold as an icicle.

2016!filodox: The various ways his tone / voice have been described throughout this conversation are just 💕

*looks at camera like I’m on The Office*

Seriously, though. Nero’s voice is like the central descriptive element of his character because he’s so manipulative. It’s really cool and a great use of detail.

[Meg] turned to Nero. “You told me never to lower myself to my enemies’ level.”

“No, indeed.” Nero’s tone had frayed like a weathered rope. “We are better. We are stronger. We will build a glorious new world. But these nonsense-spewing trees stand in our way, Meg. Like any invasive weeds, they must be burned. And the only way to do that is with a true conflagration -- flames stoked by blood.”

2016!filodox: Real 👏🏻 Gods 👏🏻 Require 👏🏻 Blood👏🏻

I was way too enthusiastic about this whole situation, wasn’t I?

Nero grinned. “Good-bye, Apollo. Only eleven more Olympians to go.”

2016!filodox: Wait, shit, WHAT

Having read Tower of Nero, this probably had something to do with Python interfering with the Fates, huh? But does that mean it’s more Python’s plan or Nero’s? If this was Nero’s plan (with his 12 kids literally replacing the Olympians) that’s,,,really fucking bold.

Then I heard the screaming from Camp Half-Blood.

2016!filodox: Music to my ears ~

I’m presenting every edgy detail of my annotations so I have a proper case file when I inevitably have to face the question “On a scale of one to ten, how relatable is Emperor Nero and why should you have realized it’s a ten sooner?”

In a flash of silver light, the camp’s magical barriers collapsed. The Colossus lurched forward and brought his foot down on the dining pavilion, smashing it to rubble like so many children’s blocks.

2016!filodox: Payback! Dear gods, I can’t stop smiling! I’m just like “YES!” I know this will all probably get fixed or whatever but I’M HAVING A MOMENT.

I’ve learned to appreciate the small wins. <3

Percy grabbed one of the crown’s sunray spikes. He sliced it off at the base, then jabbed it into the Colossus’ forehead.

2016!filodox: As much as Nero is FAR from my favorite, I really don’t like defacing ancient (or replicas of ancient) statues and art...

This is where I just start laughing at myself tbh. I was so insistent on not liking Nero. Like, I sound like I’m in denial. Peak equivocation. What happened to that heart emoji a few chapters back? Why did I suddenly make it about *checks notes* ancient art? Updated translation: nooo don’t ruin the Colossus Neronis it’s so sexy aha

Just as the [arrow] reached its apex and was about to fall back to earth, a gust of wind caught it...perhaps Zephyros looking kindly on my pitiful attempt. The arrow sailed into the Colossus’ ear canal and rattled in his head with a clink, clink, clink like a pachinko machine.

2016!filodox: HOW MANY EX MACHINAS IS THIS ?! The dryads, the arrow, Percy, the enchantment, and THIS ?

One of my criticisms of Trials of Apollo in general is just that the stakes are so much higher and Riordan usually solves that problem by having his heroes win on long odds. The chances of them succeeding at like,,,anything they attempt are astronomical, but of course they manage. It’s not surprising but it does get a little tiring.

“Yo, Nico,” Leo called, “please tell me that’s it for the physical abuse.”

“For now.” Nico smiled. “We’re still trying to get in touch with the West Coast. You’ll have a few dozen people out there who will definitely want to hit you.”

2016!filodox: Oh I’d love to hit him. With the flaming, Imperial gold payload of an onager. Preferably WITHOUT the Pontifex Maximus attached to it -- unless of course you mean the false pontifex, Jason Grace.

Leo was the salt in the wound for this one, ngl. He rekindled my undying ire over Octavian’s death. As I said at the beginning of this, I was extremely ready to die on Octavian’s hill after Heroes of Olympus. That sentiment sticks around for a while...

And we can call that a wrap!

Though it may seem like it, my annotations are not, in fact, a compilation of Nero’s greatest hits. There are a lot of scenes of his that I love (naturally) but I didn’t have anything to say about them when I first read the series. Maybe I’ll share those another time.

In any case, I hope you got something out of this ridiculously long post! Until next time! <3

[doof-doofblog]

"I'm Going To Kill Him!"

Wednesday 10th February 2021

Hello again everyone! Hope your week is going well so far! Just want to say thank you for all your support over the past year! I'm really looking forward to seeing what the next year has in store for EastEnders. Already there are so many exciting storylines, characters coming and going. I can't wait for all of it to come!

Now following Wednesday's episode, the first thing I want to talk about is Max. I guess its fair to say that the poor man has been struggling over the past few days/weeks. After accidentally stumbling across a leaflet for a clairvoyant, he felt that possibly it could help with his emotions and maybe reaching out to his deceased daughter, Abi. When the lady arrives, she's nothing like you would expect … no turban on her head, no crystal ball, pretty normal from the looks of things. She slowly begins to talk and question Max about Abi, at first it seems that he doesn't seem to believe the nonsense about ghosts and spirits. She advises Max to not question it all, but just to talk and let it flow. He begins to talk about when Abi was a little girl and how he called her his "Princess". I have to say, when it comes to reminiscing about Abi, I also miss her character. There was a time when she did become a bit of a brat, but then what teenagers don't go through that phase? The one thing which Abi always loved though, was her Dad. He was her hero. I guess you could say that she was very much a "Daddy's Girl".

Understandably, as Max reminisces, its gets a bit too emotional for him. I do start to really feel for the guy, okay he has made (countless) mistakes in the past, but to be fair, he's not really a bad guy is he? The clairvoyant informs him that Abi remains close and states the fact that she does forgive him and she still loves him. This appears to be a comfort to Max, hearing confirmation that his daughter is always close to him. Later on in the evening, Jack returns home whilst Max is doing the washing up, when he notices the clairvoyant leaflet on the kitchen counter, at first he seems baffled that Max has gone ahead and approached one. Informing him that he needs to be careful as they are co-artists, however Max notifies Jack that there was no ghosts going around the house, but most importantly that he felt a close connection with Abi, which is what he's been needing for a very long time. To be fair, Jack can't argue with that, if his brother insists that he felt his deceased daughter, then there's simply nothing left to be said. We know Max's exit is slowly creeping upon us, but the one thing that I'm left questioning is - what will happen to baby Abi? Will Max take her with him? Or will he leave her with Rainie and Stuart and allow them to bring her up? Or maybe leave her with Jack? Who knows?

--

The next thing I've got to mention is Gray and the Carter family! After hearing news from the detective that Tina has been spotting shoplifting, Mick seems to feel that there could be some hope that Tina will come home. But Shirley still can't help but feel that Tina disappearing, living on the streets, shoplifting to survive is all her fault, even though Mick and Gray try to console her and inform her that she's not to blame. The horrible thing that they don't know though, is that Gray has paid a homeless woman to portray herself as Tina, to make the Carter family believe she could still be alive. As I'm watching this particular storyline continue, I really don't know how much further Gray can take this, what is he going to do next? If the scent goes cold once again on Tina's whereabouts, how else is he going to make it look like she's still alive? Does he still have Tina's phone? I have to say though, I do feel for Shirley right now, blaming herself for really no reason. Mick tries to console her, stating that she was also looking after her son during the time when Tina went missing, she simply couldn't be in two places at once. How was she supposed to know Tina would go missing?! I have to be honest though, I hate how much Gray is being so two-faced!!! Informing the Carter family that he's going to do all he can to help locate Tina, knowing full-well that she's dead and he in fact murdered her. That's just pure evil isn't it?!

Oh, I know I've said this many times before, but I really can't wait for Gray's secrets to be revealed! The Carter family are going to want to get their revenge! Suddenly Shirley makes the drastic decision that she's going to leave in search of her sister, she's going to walk the streets and possibly go knocking at Tina's friends in an attempt to find her. When Gray hears this news, he tries to persuade her not to as it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but Shirley has her mind made up and nothing anyone says or does is going to change her mind! Is looks as if as soon as Gray got past one hurdle, something else props up and he's got to try and find another way of stopping them from finding out the truth. How will he be able to stop this one?! Can I also just mention that regardless of hating the character of Gray, Toby-Alexander Smith is doing such an incredible job in portraying him, his performance is just - Wow! If it ever comes to it, I'd like to see him win a Best Villain award, it would be so well deserved!

--

The final thing I need to mention is the main focus of the episode, Lucas and Denise! At the beginning of the episode, we see that Denise is trying to get in touch with Lucas, after her discussion with Chelsea in the previous episode, eager to get Lucas on that plane to Ibiza and frame him. Eventually Lucas agrees to meet with Denise and hear to what she has to say. As they meet in Lucas's apartment, Denise tries her absolute best to convince him to make his relationship with Chelsea work. I just want to mention the specific moment when Denise is trying to persuade Lucas that their daughter still loves him, even though she knows full well that it isn't true, it looks as if she has to force the words out of her mouth as it makes her sick to the stomach to even say such a thing. The look in Denise's face I thought, was brilliant! She drops the biggest hint of all though that if he really wanted to go the full hog with getting his daughter back on his side, he should go to Ibiza with her. Now, this was really interesting - the look in Lucas's face changed slightly, almost as if he knew full well what Denise's intention was. He knows that Chelsea was going to plant drugs on him and frame him, but to hear Denise talk about it, makes him suspicious that she could be in on the plan also. Lucas isn't dumb, he knows exactly what they're planning, but without giving any hint that he knows, he gently nods his head and agrees to Denise's suggestion. However, later on Lucas is seen alone in the church, praying. Now I think this is the moment where people think "Oh, has he actually changed his ways?" Because it certainly had me thinking! He appears to be deeply upset to realise that the people he cares about the most, refuse to believe he's changed and is convinced that they will only ever see him as the killer he once was. He lets out a heartfelt, devastating cry which leads to the pastor confronting him and asking him what's wrong. He opens up to the minister, informing him about his knowledge about Chelsea and Denise coming up with a plan to frame him, it's then he questions the minister - What is the point in him trying to change his ways when his family don't believe in him? For a moment, it looks as if he really is going to stop trying.

Returning to the Square, as Lucas returns from the church, Denise is finding herself getting distracted in the salon. As Raymond sits happily with a ball, Denise is having to deal with irritable customers on the phone, suddenly she receives a phone call from the pastor who just so happened to be with Lucas earlier, as she goes to grab the phone, she notices that little Raymond has suddenly disappeared. Raymond had taken himself outside and began kicking his little ball around, but unbeknown to him, a cart had come lose from a car was slowly rolling backwards towards him. Denise pops out and sees the vehicle heading towards the small boy and desperately calls out his name - out of nowhere Lucas leaps into action, pushing little Raymond of out harms way. I have to be brutally honest, for a split second, when Raymond disappeared I had assumed that Lucas had taken Raymond, just to get his own back on Denise - but maybe Lucas really has changed his ways?! Denise is more than relieved to see that Raymond is unharmed. Later on, when everyone is gathered to the Vic and Denise is happy to see that Raymond has no lasting trauma, Chelsea subtly thanks her Dad for saving Raymond and takes the little boy home. It's then that Lucas and Denise finally get to sit down and discuss things, Lucas acknowledges that him saving Raymond isn't going to change people's opinion of him and it won't make up for the terrible things he's done in the past, but he pleads to Denise that if Chelsea is willing to give him a second chance, he really doesn't want to mess things up. It's then that Denise drops the bombshell that their daughter is actually in deep trouble, even though she doesn't explain details, Lucas seems to click on to the subject very quickly, acknowledging that he knows about Ibiza and the drugs and that she was attempting to set him up, which leaves Denise incredibly stunned! Eventually they arrive back at the house and Denise realises she can't hide what she knows anymore. She informs him that Chelsea has an ex-boyfriend named Caleb, and in fact he was the one who kidnapped her and hid her in a warehouse, it all makes perfect sense to Lucas that this Caleb was actually the one behind his attack, as a warning to his daughter, he did both of these things to her parents as a warning to her. They both come to realise that this Caleb is a very dangerous man and if Chelsea doesn't pay her debt, he will come after the whole family. Lucas steps into action, informing Denise that he's not going to stand for someone blackmailing his daughter, attempting to attack her family just to warn her. He informs Denise he's going to find Caleb and kill him!!

Is Lucas only going to go and make the situation worse?! How is Chelsea going to react when she learns her Dad knows the truth? Oooo has Lucas really, truly changed his ways for his family? What do you guys think? Once again there are all sorts of ways that this story could go, Lucas I think is also very hard to read, one minute I think he's still a very dangerous killer, and the next minute I think maybe he really has changed? Who knows? I guess we'll have to wait and see to know for sure! Overall a brilliant episode I thought, brilliant performances from everyone involved. Jake Wood, Diane Parish, Don Gilet, Linda Henry, Toby-Alexander Smith ... everyone is just brilliant! Thank you all for reading, it truly means the world! I'll be back again very soon! Love you all xXx

[whichpercydoyouthink]

I Recommend: 3 Will Be Free

We have roadtrips. Gang conflict. A lot of tense stand offs. We have queer-accepting mafia bosses. We have Neo’s trademark croptops, Miw’s flawless makeup, and Shin’s adorable glasses. We have guns. We have a whole lot of shirtless shots. We have antagonists you’ll root for just as much as the protagonists.

What to we have? 3 Will Be Free!

Let me make this clear first up, this ain’t about a love triangle. This is a polyamourous relationship between three people. Just so you know. Rare, ain’t it?

This Thai drama is, in my opinion, freaking brilliant! Not only did it do a polyamourous relationship pretty good (and actually had it endgame), but it did it with a captivating plot, beautiful camera shots, and a hella intense soundtrack. I will definitely be rewatching this one in the future. 

Let's get into this. I’m not trying to spoil anything hear but I have to gush about this and so I’m sorry if I accidently reveal anything or imply enough for some people to work stuff out. Just watch it! I can’t say it enough.

To introduce you a little, the initial plot of 3 Will Be Free all surrounds this Mafia type boss guy called Thana. Enter main character number one: Neo, a free spirited dancer at a club who catches the eye of Thana's second wife Vanika and they start an affair. Enter main character 2: Miw, a hostess at a nearby club who meets Shin (main character 3), the son of Thana's first wife, one night when his friends pay her to sleep with Shin. Things quickly get chaotic when Thana finds out about the affair, sends people to kill Neo and punish Vanika only Vanika gets killed in the crossfire, Neo runs and hides at Miw's club only to run into Shin in the bathrooms and just as they're both caught, Miw comes in and shoots Thana's right hand man dead (it all happens in like the first episode, okay, its fine to spoil, right?). So yeah. You can probably imagine the running-for-their-lives, road trip that Neo and Miw enbark on with Shin swept along for the ride because of a mysterious connection to Neo. 

I'm not gonna say more about the plot except that Thana's right hand man, Phon, happens to have a transgender girlfriend, Mae, who is devastated whe she hears about Phon’s death and embarks on a revenge driven chase after the main trio with Phon's best friend Ter (who also works for Thana). The two bond over their shared loss and show some of the saddest, heart-wrenching moments as Ter struggles without his friend to guide him and Mae suffers the loss of the only person who properly supported her. Mae is probably my favourite character in the show, she is just so good and showed the most emotional depth despite her limited screen time and the show really did her dirty, she did not catch a break. Also why the heck did this show have to make me love Phon even after he died?? He was just the nicest, most supportive boyfriend ever and honestly, despite the whole gang thing and the fact that he was trying to kill Neo, I kind of wish he had lived. For extra info this show is ten 50 minute episodes long and is on youtube with every episode split into 4 parts. So go watch. You'll be in for a ride.

All along we have Miw and Neo bickering constantly and Shin grinning quietly in fondness. That’s essentially their relationship summed up. It’s adorable.

Individually, though, I loved the depth I felt in these characters and how they felt more than just stereotypes or cardboard flat.

Neo ( Way-Ar Sangngern / Joss). On the surface, this guy is your pansexual bad boy hooker/prostitute/stripper who works a ton of jobs and lives freely, working a ton of jobs with no set future. Neo is also a gentleman who can be summoned by wallet theft to save the day and is very caring and protective of those he loves. Essentially, he’s the mama bear of the trio, but unfortunately he is also a jerk, selfish, and may very well have a saviour-complex. I don’t think he’s everyone’s favourite by the end of the show BUT he kind of holds the trio together and they need him to keep Miw out of trouble and free Shin a little. I also believe he is singlehandedly reviving people’s love for croptops.

If anyone’s wondering why I consider this guy pansexual when Wikipedia says bisexual, it’s because he literally says he doesn’t care about gender in relationships. I could be wrong, but that’s how I interpreted what he said.

Miw ( Lapassalan Jiravechsoontornkul / Mild). In a time when we are seeing more and more strong, independant female leads, Miw is the queen. She is definitly the source of strength of the relationship and has no time for anyone’s sh*t. She is bold, always has flawless makeup and outfits, and is never scared to speak her mind, tough and prepared to do anything to survive. She also honestly has some of the best lines in the show. But if this type of character puts you off, don’t run away because she’s more than just that. Miw has her own vulnerabilities, isn’t completely bulletproof and killing a man is not easy for her. There are reasons behind the strength she projects and her way of seeing the world, reasons she has to keep being strong, and that doesn’t stop her from bonding with other women over shared experiences, standing up for others, and comforting Neo and Shin when they hit their lows.

Shin (Tawan Vihokratana / Tay). Let me just say, you are guaranteed to fall in love with this boy, he is the soft and innocent one in the trio from a completley different world from the other two yet that doesn’t stop him from not wanting to be left behind and trying to understand. Shin is honestly the real hero of this story, he is so selfless and insecure and must be protected at all costs. Of course, the characters in the show know that which is why everyone is either trying to kidnap him or save him. But he isn’t just quiet and shy, he’s also smart and has his own bad*ss moments when Neo has being a jerk and Miw is just trying to survive. If Neo is the glue, Miw is their strength, then Shin is peacekeeper and balances out Neo and Miw’s outspoken personalities.

I do understand, though, that some may be a little less than satisfied with Shin’s ending. I felt like they really needed to develope or explore his relationships with Miw and Neo further or atleast as much as they seemed to for Miw and Neo.

In the end though we had quite a few cute moments with all three of them together and apart from that minor issue, I got nothing other than to cry over all those characters who suffered the director’s killing spree. Like seriously, is nothing safe?! So beware.

[cordytriestowrite]

Keeping Up Appearances

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Chapter 13

Summary: When an old friend comes back into your life you struggle to maintain the lies you've told. Bucky Barnes has no idea what he's gotten into by agreeing to be your fake boyfriend, but you have no idea what to do about the very real feelings you have for him.

Just the epilogue to be posted from here! Thank you all who have waited so patiently for these final chapters.

Bucky had called it neutral ground and at the time you agreed, but seeing light strain to shine through the dirty windows of the pool hall only revealed how dated the furniture was and how dirty the ceiling was with cigarette smoke. Pepper wouldn't be caught dead in this place, but when you sent her the address she made no attempt to change the venue to something higher end. The fact that she even agreed to come to Brooklyn had shocked you. You could only reason that your texts puzzled her enough to brave the trip.

Pepper I really need to talk to you. 

She tried calling within five minutes but you declined the call, too much of a coward to plan this out over the phone.

Not a phone call kind of talk. Can you meet me tomorrow? 

The clock above the door was broken but a quick glance at your phone told you the hour was near. A text from Pepper timestamped five minutes ago made you swallow nervously.

Almost there 

The place was nearly empty, only two tables occupied by a group of older men wearing matching club jackets. They smoked and sipped beers while making the occasional exclamation at a bad shot but they left you and Bucky alone. 

"I set up a table for us in the corner."

"It's clean?"

Bucky nodded, looking just as worried as you for the arrival of your final guest. 

"Dirty martini." Bucky gave you a confused look.

"She likes dirty martinis." You clarified, biting your lip as you fussed with your hands, pulling at your fingers until the tendons burned. 

"What do you want?"

The thought of consuming anything made your throat burn.

"Just water."

"Okay, doll. Go sit down."

Bucky kissed your forehead, holding your face in his hands delicately.

"It's going to be okay."

The chair squeaked loudly under your weight and the table wobbled if you put any weight on it. You took a few coasters littering the tables around you and wedged them under the wobbly table leg. 

"Oh thank god, I thought I gave the wrong address to Happy."

Pepper's voice came from directly behind you, loud and lively. Your head bashed against the bottom of the table as you lurched up to see her. Taking deep breaths you clutched at the tender spot and righted yourself, slowly this time. 

"Nope, this is the right place."

Pepper shot you a smile and walked around the table, taking a seat silently in the chair next to you. You placed her clutch on the table and let her eyes roam the venue, lighting up as she looked toward the bar.

"Oh, Bucky's here! Are you two back together? Is this why you wanted to talk to me? Oh my god are you pregnant?"

The last question came out in a whispering hiss, something Pepper only did when she thought she was getting some good gossip. You almost wished that was the news you were sharing, Pepper would be more pleased you got knocked up than what she was about to learn.

"No! Not pregnant but Bucky and I...it's complicated."

In the spirit of truth you knew you should also admit to Pepper that you and Bucky were a ruse, but would it really matter, or would it be the final nail in the coffin of your friendship?

Bucky was walking back to the table, a martini glass in one hand and two mugs, held by the handles, in the other. He distributed the drinks and planted a kiss of greeting on Pepper's cheek before sitting down. He looked nervous now and you reached for his hand. He accepted your comfort and offered his own by swiping his thumb across the back of your hand.

"You're drinking water…"

"Peps I'm not pregnant!"

You quirked a brow in disbelief as she took a sip from her glass. If she saw the uneasiness on yours and Bucky's faces she didn't let it affect her. A content smile sat on her flawless face as she awaited more information. Bucky gave your hand a firm squeeze that was on the verge of being painful, but it was the push you needed to get started.

"Pepper, I haven't been completely honest with you."

Her smile faltered, but only for a second before it was back, less wide but still there pairing with her wide, open stare.

"About what?"

With a quick glance at Bucky you continued.

"A lot has happened since you left."

Each word was pushed from your mouth by your tongue, the weight of them seeming so much heavier against your lips than in your head. Pepper waited, the only indication of her impatience was the way she tapped her pinky finger against the table.

"I'm poor."

Pepper blinked twice quickly, then shook her head slightly as if her ears were fighting against hearing the words.

"Broke? How broke?"

You let out an airy, self deprecating chuckle, pushing your fingers against the side of your neck.

"All my credit cards are maxed out and I've taken on a second job recently, but I'm still having trouble."

Her mouth opened and closed, face scrunched up as she tried to find the words to say. Bucky gave your hand a quick squeeze. 

"Okay." The word was drawn out as Pepper's brain worked through her next thought.

"Are you asking for money?"

"No!" 

Your shout startled a few men across the hall, the one bent over the pool table cursing loudly as he missed his shot. You cleared your throat and spoke at a more reasonable level.

"No, I am telling you this because it goes bigger than just being...poor."

You glanced up, into Pepper's eyes, as you said the last word. Poor. It was a word you used to spit out of your mouths with disgust before cackling at those to whom the word applied. It fell from your lips now with no venom, just a sad reality. Pepper's gaze was intently on you, trying to find something in your eyes that you couldn't quite identify. Her mouth was set into a hard line of concentration but she didn't look disgusted by you like you had imagined. 

"My father co-owned some supermarkets upstate."

This information was more for Bucky than Pepper, but it felt better to explain the whole story, or maybe you were just stalling.

"The markets were modest, we lived comfortably, but right before high school things changed. I remember my dad taking us out to dinner more and we moved to a bigger house and my older brother got a brand new Lexus for his birthday."

All this Pepper knew, whether she remembered was a different story. You couldn't look at her or Bucky so instead you watched the condensation gathering on the outside of your mug, choosing a heavy drop as a focal point.

"My dad said they had made some executive changes that made the chain more profitable and as a young kid I didn't question it. I had my car, my clothes, and two rooms; one that I used as a closet."

"I remember." Pepper practically whispered and when you gathered the courage to look up at her she was looking down at her own drink with a small smile half hidden by the hand supporting her chin. 

"When it was time to pick a college I knew money wasn't a problem and I just wanted to stay with my friends so I followed you. Everything was great until a few months before we were supposed to travel the world. The money just...stopped showing up in my account."

Your mouth was dry and your hand was shaking when you picked up your mug and took a large gulp. Bucky's thumb was rubbing against your hand again. The story was getting easier to tell and soon it would be all out there. Whatever came after that you still weren't prepared for. 

"For months my parents told me everything was fine, that there was just an issue with the bank. I figured, as long as my account was back up by the time we left then who cares?"

"But you couldn't come with me."

It was a fact. Pepper's voice was even and clear. She didn't sound like she was mad, about missing out on the trip or your current conversation.

"My father was arrested for embezzlement and money laundering three days before you left. I lost contact with my family all together a few days later."

"How did I miss this?" 

Pepper had finally shifted from her casual lean against the table. She leaned back, arms crossed, her tongue poking out as her eyes darted back and forth across the table. Your laugh was hollow as you shrugged one shoulder.

"I like to think I hid it pretty well."

You didn't want to look at Bucky, just watching Pepper's reaction was enough to make you want to crawl into your bed and not come out for a few years. His hand was still entangled with yours and you took that as a sign he didn't hate you just yet, but that didn't mean he wouldn't. 

"You were gone. I wasn't going out anymore. Police were starting to show up at my apartment and calling me during classes. I dropped out after I couldn't pay for fall semester. The bank took all the money in my account, they took my car, they took anything that could repay what my father took but it wasn't enough.

"I was called to the trial and had to take a bus to get there. I sat in the third row and watched my father be sentenced to ten years in prison."

Pepper's hand was grabbing at the one not already held by Bucky. Sympathy poured from her and it made you sick.

"Oh, honey, I am so sorry. But you couldn't help it."

"It's my fault." 

Pepper looked like she wanted to counter that but maybe it was the hardness in your eyes that made her hold her tongue.

"Me and my big mouth. My dad co-owned the stores with a partner who was more hands off, but his son went to school was us. I thought that he was cute and we went out a few times but he questioned by designer clothes and nice car. He ghosted me a few weeks before the investigation."

"You don't know it was your fault."

Bucky spoke up for the first time and your heart started to beat so hard it almost burst from your chest. When you tried to speak again you could only let out a painful sob and had to down the rest of your water before you spoke again.

"He was a witness. During my father's trial. He had photos of my things, bank statements I had laying around, he had enough evidence to convince his father to call the police and press charges. Brock Rumlow swore in and winked at me and I knew I had done this to my family."

Your hands were empty, you had pulled them away to hide your tears. Every cell in your body shook with guilt. You hadn't spoken to your parents or brother since the trial and every say since then you had worked to keep yourself afloat. Every day since then you had lied and hid your reality from your best friend, but nothing was hidden from her anymore, besides your true relationship with Bucky.

Your fingers were stained by your running makeup, you knew you looked terrible and your voice would be strained, but you needed to tell her about you and Bucky. You needed to her to know.

Except when you pulled your hands away to tell her Pepper was gone, only a dirty martini left in her wake.

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[thecorteztwins]

@esteicy-blog “I'm convinced that they didn't even check the wiki page of her comic version when writing her in the mcu because movie Mantis has absolutely nothing to do with what you describe.“ I haven’t see the MCU movie, but I have read a bit about that version of Mantis and they sound NOTHING alike to me either! Comics Mantis is: - Not an alien. She’s a completely human woman with a Vietnamese mother and a German father. She was raised by Kree priests in a temple, but that temple was in Vietnam, not space, and then when she was an adult they wiped her memories so she remembered only growing up in Saigon. She never goes to space until her destiny as the Celestial Madonna is revealed. She MARRIES one of the Cotati aliens, but she isn’t one herself. Which means I think GotG has more POC who are playing aliens than actual POC characters? - Her powers are very different. As I understand it, movie!Mantis is a generic empath. Comics book Mantis had what she described as “empathy with nature” often calling it simply “empathy” for short, but what it actually was was just like...this very vague and generic psychic sensitivity. She wasn’t exactly a real telepath, nor a true empath, nor a precog, but she could feel “vibrations” that gave her clues if something was wrong, get a general sense of a person in a vague sort of way, and just generally gave her really good intuition. For instance, this one time a cop with a split personality had his other personality take over, and Mantis sensed SOMETHING was wrong because his “vibrations” changed, she just couldn’t say WHAT was going on. But more than her psychic sensitivity, was her martial arts prowess. Mantis has such martial skill that she’s able to grapple with Thor and WIN---quickly win, at that! At one point ALL THE AVENGERS try to physically restrain her, and she TOSSES THEM THE FUCK OFF (again, including Thor) She also once kicks Pietro in the face WHEN HE’S RUNNING! Again, this woman is HUMAN, she just has really extreme training by alien priests. - Her personality. Again, I haven’t seen the movie, but she seems kind of...cute and fragile and ditzy and naive from what I understand? Comics Mantis is intelligent, fearless, and very much NOT naive. She’s extremely assertive and serious, she’s not shy or giggly at all. She’s also framed as very intelligent and logical, though that’s more something the writing tries to convince us of than what’s actually on the page. She’s not stupid AT ALL, just we’re told she’s a brilliantly logical deductive mind on par with the Vision, when actually she just mostly makes guesses based on her intuition powers but calls it deduction. She’s definitely clever though, both in a fight and in terms of getting what she wants from people and situations, and how to best utilize her powers. She’s also never unsure in her abilities either; she’s so confident in them that in fact she defends them to others when they think her psychic intuition is wrong, or that she didn’t measure her strike correctly, and BOTH times she’s proven correct. But she’s also not arrogant about her skills either, and in fact demures from compliments. Mantis doesn’t tolerate anyone underestimating her abilities, including allies, and she trusts in herself completely...but she also doesn’t need praise from others either, and doesn’t seem to want it. And the story supports her, there is never a moment where she’s proven wrong in this. Mantis is NOT a character who EVER struggles with control of her powers. Mantis can be great. For instance, when she’s reuniting with the Avengers after having been away in space with the whole Celestial Madonna thing, they’re all super happy to see her. Silverclaw, a new Avenger (who is also indigenous Latina) stands off the side and is left out, because she doesn’t have any connection to Mantis. Mantis notices this, and she immediately reaches out to Silverclaw, putting her arm around her, saying that “Yes, they gather around this one. But this one would rather gather around you.” and explains that she was the new girl once and the Avengers supported her, and she wants to support Silverclaw too. It’s very sweet! Mantis absolutely can be a big jerk. The way she meets The Avengers is that some guys are being creeps to Wanda on the street, and Mantis jumps out to kick their asses and defend Wanda. This is great. But it’s not coincidence. Mantis wasn’t just passing by. She and her boyfriend the Swordsman (a former Avenger) want to join, and had come to the US for the express purpose of joining. So she was probably following Wanda and just jumped out at the moment she knew would make her look best to Wanda, so that Wanda would vouch for her as an Avenger. Mantis shows this capacity to be manipulative other times as well, and in fact in the end she seems to have been just using the Swordsman as a way to get America and be an Avenger, even though she claims to the Avenger that she doesn’t care about being one and just wants to be next to “her man”. She acts like the typical “submissive Asian girl who loves her big strong white boyfriend” at first but the minute she decides that she’d rather have the Vision, who is actively involved with Wanda, she starts pursuing him. She’s a huge jerk to Swordsman and Wanda in the process, insulting the both of them as being weak and not good enough for her or Vision, at first behind their backs, and then to their faces, she and Wanda get pretty catty. Mantis is very adamant that she wants a strong, heroic, INTELLIGENT man, and the Swordsman falls short for her. Which is her choice, but the way she handles it is very shitty to him (not to mention going behind his and Wanda’s backs trying to seduce Vision). He tries more than once to have a discussion with her about it, and she evades him, avoiding giving him any kind of straight answer when he asks her very straightforward questions. It’s not towards the end that she finally coldly dismisses him and tells him he’s not enough for her and that she doesn’t care for him any longer. Even when he’s dying after saving her and she’s begging him to live and apologizing, she’s still frankly kind of a selfish dick about it? She says she used him and that it was wrong and that she sees that now, but she says he needs to live so she can make things up to him. So he needs to live so SHE can feel better, basically, and she’s only feeling remorse in the first place because he sacrificed himself for her. Even after death, he can’t catch a break---she says she prefers the version of him that is actually the Elder Cotati possessing his dead body (I’m still not over that) because its smarter than the original Swordsman was. Ouch. But Mantis isn’t all bad for this! She’s not actually demonized for it at all, to be honest, nor is she punished by the narrative. Her story with the Swordsman is honestly more just a way to get her to the Avengers, then she quickly overtakes him in terms of importance as a character. It’s easy to forget he’s there most of the time compared to her, and he’s got rid of the moment he’s no longer really needed, and the next chapter of her story can begin as she’s revealed to be The Celestial Madonna. It’s the reverse of the typical male and female roles in a story, ESPECIALLY for a white man and an Asian woman. He’s HER prop, he’s the one devoted to her, he’s the one who is cast aside and dies for her as a part of HER story. Mantis also evolves. When she comes back from her journey as the Madonna, she’s straight with the Avengers about why she’s come to them, and she asks directly for their help, there’s no manipulative games. Wanda and her still have a bit of an issue on Wanda’s end, Wanda understandably still doesn’t like seeing her be close with Vision, but BOTH of them work at having a better relationship---Wanda in fact goes out of her way to tell Mantis that she and Vision are separated now, so it’s fine if he hooks up with Mantis (which he does) And Mantis hasn’t said an unkind word about Wanda in a very long time. Being a mother brings a whole new dimension to her. Ben Grimm cracks about how any “red-blooded American kid” would have a hard time calling her “Mom” due to her sex appeal, and Mantis rightly points out that people don’t often think of her as a mother---which is a small but VERY true commentary on how people can’t seem to conceive of motherhood and sexiness in the same woman outside the MILF stereotype---but she is, and she is a very devoted one, and she’s a great mom while also having sex with the Vision even while she also has a “mate” in the Elder Cotati, and she’s not portrayed as wrong for this in any way; she and the Elder Cotati seem poly I guess. And being a mother, being the Celestial Madonna, gave her a bunch of additional new powers, she’s stated to be a GODDESS now, and she ends up being able to TAKE ON THANOS and she WARNS him---”This one is life, Thanos, but hurt her son and she will kill you. That is a promise.” So, she’s a very well-rounded character, she’s very assertive and confident woman with every right to be, while not being arrogant. She’s got some really nasty flaws, she can be cruel and catty when it comes to romance, manipulative when it comes to achieving her goals when there’s not even any need to be, but she also matures and develops. She’s a great mom who also has an active sex life and nothing is shown as wrong about it. She starts out with admittedly very racist trappings---the mysterious seductive martial artists Dragon Lady from the Far East who seems devoted to her white boyfriend--but grows beyond it in spades. I can see why a modern movie might want to shed SOME of that baggage...but making her into a cutesty-poo side character with nearly all her incredible canon powers gone, while ALSO erasing her ethnicity and cultural identity, doesn’t seem at all a step in the right direction to me.

[starshineandbooks]

Of ghosts and sons

Based almost entirley off of @lovelylogans‘s Gilmore girls AU - AO3 Tumblr

Read THIS on Ao3

Summary: Remus reflects back on his thoughts of his still living loved ones’ lives. Watching his teenager grow into a married man with a kid. 

        Also known as: An excuse to write soft dad! Remus and Son! Roman, and explore how a dead Remus feels about his son marrying an academically smart moron.

Word count: 2596

Pairing: Romantic Moxiety, Romantic Logince, familial lampr

Warnings: Dead character (Remus is a ghost kinda?), mild cursing, a few suggestive lines, Remus being Remus, weird food, sympathtic! Remus

Remus figured he achieved a pretty great death. Oh, sure, he misses things, but now he can float around behind people and be himself with free of judgement, which is, nice. Oddly nice. Don’t get him wrong, he’d had friends, ut, even Virgil and Isidora had been a little weirded out every once in a while.

And, he’s watched Virgil and Isidora, of course he did. They mattered to him. 

Remus is proud of Virgil, finding a good guy, even if he wasn’t a guy Remus would have chosen, to settle down with. Virgil and Patton, Remus think they’re a good match. He’d have loved to make Patton squirm though. Nothing personal, he liked to make everyone squirm. It was fun!

Patton is also fairly interesting, at first Remus just watched him after earth because he was a scandal. Patton, trans, sixteen year old run away, with a baby. Pretty interesting.

Then, Remus got invested. Oops.

Patton was kind, and  a good person. Remus could respect him. Remus isn't so sure that he and Patton would have been friends, but Remus had to admit, Patton was respectable.

Patton Sanders, the kid stood up for himself and his child. Patton befriended Virgil, which is hard enough, then made Virgil love him, which is even harder. Then Virgil fell for Patton romantically, which is a task to make happen. 

Patton raised a smart, ambitious kid. Logan. Remus is fond of Logan, but don’t tell anyone. Of course, Logan is also basically Virgil’s kid, which basically makes Remus Logan’s roundabout uncle in a weird way. 

Logan is smart, wickedly so in fact. The kid goes to Chilton, and is very ambitious. In a cutthroat manner almost. Yet, Logan is genuinely kind, and cares for Remus’ own child.

That’s another thing. Remus has a kid. A biological child he never met.

Isidora had been someone Remus genuinely loved. Not romantically, but he had loved her more than anything else, except maybe Virgil. But that was a different kind of love. 

Isidora, the five foot two latina had been a spitfire of a dancer when Remus knew her. Not much had changed, except, she had Roman not long after Remus died.

And Virgil, bless the man, had fought to be in Roman’s life.

Roman was a lot like his mom, loyal, kind, courageous. Roman was taller than his mother, but just as graceful.

Roman, Remus’ baby, shut up that’s Remus’ baby. His spawn. He’s allowed to be a little sappy.

Roman had grown from an over excited six year old kissing his best-friend-and-first-crush’s skinned knee better into a kind, loyal, selfless teenager who’s a dancer just like his mother.

Remus isn’t stupid. Crazy, inconsiderate, and crass? Sure. But Remus is not and has never been stupid.

He knows that Roman probably is better off for not having him around.

Remus is loud, disruptive, rude, disgusting, and generally the opposite of what is ‘socially acceptable’. Remus even revels in this fact.

But, It’s not always an easy life to lead. And Remus does want Roman to have an easy life where he knows how good he is.

But, on the other hand, he watched Roman struggle with a dad sized cut out hole in his life.

Remus had become something of a myth in Sideshire. Remus, the horror story author recluse, Isidora Prince’s best friend, Roman’s dad, died in a mysterious car crash.

No one really tells Roman much about Remus. So, Roman had a bit of doubt, which is natural.

And Remus is so incredibly proud of Roman. For everything.

Roman had graduated highschool with a solid three point four grade point average. The kid had started college on time and was happy. Roman worked as a dance instructor in the town he attends college in, teaching kids to dance. 

Roman ended up with a supportive boyfriend, Logan. And the two are a good couple, built off of friendship, love, trust, and respect. The stuff of fairytales, even if they do argue a little more than they’d admit.

Remus has learned he can in fact visit dreams, and talk to people that way, he’s had some conversations with Virgil and Isidora that way.

But, Remus thinks it might be time to visit his son. Especially since Virgil and Patton are finally engaged and Roman is thinking about proposing to Logan.

So, that’s how Remus finds himself sitting in Lucy’s diner opposite of his son and his son’s boyfriend. Apparently this is a shared dream between the couple. Works just as well, Remus supposes.

After all, Remus is fairly fond of Logan too.

“Excuse me,” Logan says looking up from his book and where his head had been resting on Roman’s shoulder, “Do we know you? You look very familiar, I regret to say I can not place you however.”

Remus grins wickedly, “You wouldn't I’m a ghost! My corpse is rotting six feet under you twerp!”

Roman looks up, startled, “D-dad?”

Logan tilts his head, “Oh, that makes more sense. Hello Remus. Virgil speaks fondly of you.”

“Dad,” Roman whispers again, grabbing Logan’s arm, “Logan, that’s my dad.”

“I know, I can see dear.” Logan says in an exasperated yet fond voice.

“Hello Roman, you really do have a lot of your mother in you. Izzydory, how is she?”

“Izzy- Mama’s okay, she- she misses you. I miss you- uh- Can I miss you? I never met you.”

“You can miss the idea of someone,” Logan chimes, “And you know very well what Virgil would say about dismissing feelings.”

“Yeah,” Roman nods, “I do.”

Remus hums, turning to Lucy when she comes to take his order, “Can I get a bacon shake with Sardines and coffee grounds?”

Lucy just nods and walks off.

“That’s-” Roman chokes, “That’s gross dad.”

Remus laughs delightedly, “That’s the point!”

“He does things for amusement, not because it is logical.”

“There’s no rhyme or reason to what I do kid, I just do a skiddly boo.” Remus smiles, “So, what’s life like for you in the Bronx kid?”

Roman just stares blankly at his father, “This can't be real, I’ve gotta be dreaming, Lo, darling, I’m dreaming right?”

Logan just sighs, “I had assumed I was, I don’t know Roman, one of us is for sure.”

“You both are, it’s a shared dream,” Remus nods sagely, “You guys could get up to some steamy things since you can share dreams-”

“And as Virgil would say, stop it, fam.” Logan drawls unsure, then signs, shaking his head, “Also, what in the world is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, I just meant you two could use the dreams to have dream sex-”

“Please stop,” Logan groans, putting his face in his hands and making a distressed sound, “Why are you like this? That is your son.”

“I know!” Remus cheers, “So, Roman, any questions?”

Roman stares at Remus, “I- I had so many, but- I can’t remember them now.”

Logan turns and whispers something to Roman.

Roman nods, “That’s right, thanks specs!”

“What’s right kid?” Remus asks.

“Oh, I’ve just always wondered, am I- Am I doing the right thing? I mean, if you’re really Remus, you’ve not seen me my whole life, like, yeah i”m your kid but, I’m not raised by you. Did- Did I do okay? Have I made you proud at least?”

Logan looks rather upset from the question, Remus notes. If the dead man had to guess, he’d say it’s because Logan doesn't like that Roman doubts himself.

And Remus doesn't like it either.

No, he is not being sentimental, shut the hell your mouth.

Remus tilts his head, “I’ve been watching you Roman. You to Logan, but Ro, kid, mijo, you’ve done well.”

Roman’s face is almost comical to Remus, wide eyes, mouth quirked up, eyebrows drawn up. A twinge of relief in the breath Roman lets out. Remus thinks he looks like an overly excited puppy. But that’s Remus’ over excited puppy.

Logan smiles gently, hidden almost. Remus does think it’s interesting how similar Logan is to Virgil.

“Really?” Roman breathes out, sounding even more like an overly excited puppy.

“I very much doubt him to be lying Roman, your mother has never put up with liars before, I doubt she would have in the father of her child.” Logan says simply, well, simply for the eighteen year old genius.

“Really, kid. You graduated with a good GPA, you got out of Sideshire, you’re a dancer just like your mother, you’re brave, and just, and kind, but don’t tell anyone I said any of this sappyniess. And kid, Roman, you’re doing good.”

“Thank you,” Roman says softly.

“You should not thank him Ro,” Logan scoffs, “He said the truth, it’s not like he offered to walk you down the aisle at your wedding.”

“Our wedding,” Roman says quickly, “My wedding will be ours.”

Logan blinks, flushing steadily, “Uh-”

“Hopefully!” Roman chimes, “I mean to hopefully!”

“God you’re obnoxiously cute, you know that?” Remus rolls hie eyes, “I’m sure you’ll both be married forever to each other and have some sappy loving relationship.”

“Thanks? I think.” Logan sighs, shaking his head.

“Hey, dad?” Roman starts, “Uh, got any life advice?”

“Save time by putting toothpaste in your food, use bottle caps as orange holders, get a toilet seat and use it to put your plate on when you eat! And, don’t try to fight with Izzy unless whatever you're fighting about really matters, because she is a stubborn woman and you’ll be tired by the end of the argument, and probably have lost.”

“Uh-”

“The bit about your mom sounds accurate, but she’s nice and might listen?” Logan sighs, shaking his head.

“How do you use a toilet seat- never mind I don’t want to know.”

Lucy comes back, setting Remus’ abomination of a milk shake down.

Remus thanks her, turning his head to look at Roman.

“God, you really got your mama’s pretty, you know that? I mean, you look like me some, but god.”

“I- You thought mama was pretty?” Roman blinks, “I’d always thought you were gay, they always said-”

“Kid, I’m gay, not blind.” Remus chuckles, “But yeah, your mom’s pretty kid.”

“Yeah,” Roman sighs, she is.”

“You’re about to wake up because of an alarm you set because you, my friend, have an early shift today. I’m proud of you kid, you’re doing good. I’ll talk to you again, later. Okay?”

“Dad?” Roman blinks, “Are you really here?”

“I’m dead, but yeah, I’m here.”

“Thanks dad.”

“I love you kid,” Remus sighs, “Good luck on your test tomorrow!”

Roman blinks startled but fades from the dream, leaving just Logan.

Logan looks at Remus and snorts darkly, “This isn't at all awkward, you know, my boyfriend’s dead dad in Lucy’s diner. Not to mention that you’re Virgil’s best friend.”

“Yeah, probably word that I’m your uncle and your boyfriend’s dad,” Remus snorts, “But I like weird.”

“Uh, uncle?!”

“Yeah, you’re basically Virgil’s kid, meaning that since I’m basically his brother, that I’m basically your uncle!” Remus cackles, “I thought you were the smart one!”

“It depends on the kind of intelligence,” Logan sighs, “I’ll admit I lack some of the more, say, social knowledge. But, I have dad and Roman at least.”

“Yeah, well, you're a good kid to Logan.”

“Thanks.”

“Be good to my baby Logan,” Remus says darkly, “Be good to my baby or I’ll figure out how to ruin your entire life.”

Logan looks up to Remus, “If I were to be bad to Roman, I’d have ruined my life myself. Because, he is my everything, as stupid and sappy as that sounds.”

Remus nods, “Good. You’ll make it through you know you two will make it out together.”

“Good.” Logan hums, tilting his head, “You're an asshole though. You really hurt a lot of the people we both care for.”

“Ballsy,” Remus smirks, “Calling the dead father of your boyfriend that. I knew I liked you!”

“Very few people seem to,” Logan shrugs, “But the whole dying and destroying Ms. Prince and Virgil and leaving Roman to be in the dark is really my only complaint against you.”

“Y’know, I did regret not being able to be there for them, but Roman especially. He’s my baby Logan, I know you don’t have kids, but, there’s just something about them.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Yeah, well, I should go.”

“Probably so. And Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“If you really can talk to people through dreams, don’t leave Roman alone, he’d like you to talk to him. And, maybe talk to Virgil and Ms.Prince some too.”

“Of course. Later dork. Dork means- You’re gone.”

Remus shakes his head as the dream dissolves around him, a bitter laugh leaving him.

Remus made sure to speak to his loved ones every so often, the first time he visited Isidora after Logan had told him too it had been ten years and she had cried a little when she woke up.

Virgil had insulted Remus the whole dream that Remus had visited the emo music loving man.

Remus watches Virgil and Patton’s wedding, glad to watch the entire thing and see his best friend happy. Remus notices that Roman is the best man for Virgil, but only because Logan was Patton’s best man. The younger couple gave a nice speech that called attention to the fact that this wedding has been a long time in the works.

Virgil and Patton’s first dance is sweet and too sappy for Remus’ taste but okay.

Remus nearly screams when Roman and Logan get engaged, because, like the dorks they are, they propose at the same time.

Logan and Roman got reneged on their fifth anniversary, in the gazebo, under the stars. Remus had proposed first, because this was his plan. But Roman pulled out his own ring and asked Logan.

Because the two are entirely too cute.

Remus gloated to them next time he spoke to them both, he called it after all.

Roman and Logan’s wedding is a year and a half later, over the summer between their junior and senior years in college. 

It’s a bigger affair than Virgil and Patton’s had been, but not the largest wedding.

The whole town came, along with Logan’s grandparents, and a few friends from the boys’ own colleges.

Roman and Logan had stared at each other sappily the whole vow giving, making stupid cow eyes.

But, Remus creamed the loudest cheer out of anyone at that wedding when the two kissed and sealed the deal. He caught Isidora and Virgil looking around, then sharing a glance and a bitter laugh, a mutter of Remus’ name.

Roman and Logan’s first dance, per Roman’s selection, was a stupidly sappy song, for a pair of stupidly sappy new husbands. Husbands, God, Roman was married now. To his highschool sweetheart no less, his small town highschool sweetheart.

Remus would say something arguably rude about the whole sappy ordeal, if it wasn’t Roman’s wedding.

A few years down the line, after Logan and Roman graduate, they buy a house in Sideshire, adopting a kid. And oh, Remus has a grandchild now.

Virgil and Patton went to family dinners on Fridays with Emilie and Richard Sanders, Logan and Roman going as well. And somehow, Remus is glad that his saps have each other.

As much as Remus misses his friends and his family, as much as he wishes he could be there for them in the flesh, he’s proud of them no matter what. Even if they are stupidly sappy.

But, Remus looks forward to reuniting with Isidora and Virgil, and officially meeting the rest. One day, but hopefully, not soon.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X10

So, I watched the Grey’s Anatomy Station 19 Crossover Premiere over the weekend. I have to say overall I really liked it! The pacing of Station 19 was a bit slow for me but other than that it was great! The fast paced Grey’s Anatomy episodes are my favourite! So I really liked this one. My heart went out to Bailey in these episodes. All the Ben and Bailey moments and they’re excitement over the new baby made me cry. Poor Bailey. She loses her pregnancy, almost loses her husband, and then her residents’ lives are left hanging in the balance. In the aftermath of the crash, Helm needs surgery; Schmitt collapses; Simms needs major facial and neurosurgery, and Parker goes AWOL and needs treatment. 

I really like Meredith’s monologue in this episode. Being the best really is a catch 22. The amazing thing is no one else can do what you do. The terrible thing is no one else can do what you do. I loved the moment between Bailey and Schmitt in the supply closet. In other news, Jo totally stole that baby! Her drunken panicking about the cops is hilarious. But then we find out it’s only Meredith. Crisis averted! And she’s got wine! She came to drink with Alex because quote “Cristina sent an obnoxious Irishman as a gift” and he stole Alex’s old job. I love her. Never change Mer. Never change. 

I loved her line, “That’s what I said when I stole a baby,” about Zola and Link’s response, “Why are people stealing babies?” Mer gets it. Link is confused. To be honest Jo talking to the baby in a baby voice about how Meredith is a convicted felon is everything. Cut to the hospital where Amelia and Tom are bantering back and forth. I love their banter. Amelia is looking for Maggie because she just found out that Link might not be the father only to find out from Tom that Maggie quit. Yikes! 

And as usual DeLuca mouths off to his superiors and defies orders before being put promptly in his place. How is he still Chief Resident and why does he still work here? In real life that would get you fired real fast. Parker’s storyline this episode got me hard. I really like him and watching him repeat the same thing over and over again while he suffered from PTSD and head trauma was heartbreaking. I’m glad they got him the help he needed in the end. Bailey’s line, “Wouldn’t be the first time,” about her residents really got me. RIP George O’Malley. I still miss his character.

We all deserve a partner as amazing as Ben Warren. My god that man is supportive. His wife just suffered a miscarriage, he’s suffering the loss of a child, and he’s not okay, but he puts all that aside for Bailey’s sake because as he says to Webber, “Miranda comes first,” That’s true love right there. Side note: I like that Amelia and Teddy are becoming friends. I’m over this whole women on women hating each other over a man thing. That always pissed me about Addison and Meredith. Meredith never intentionally did anything to her and Addison was the one that cheated yet she treated Meredith like crap. 

Eventually Jo does in fact take the baby she stole to the hospital’s nursery and in walks not her husband, but Dr. Cormac Hayes! Cristina’s Yang’s present, the new Chief of Peds, and Meredith’s new love interest. Swoon! Oh course, Jo is a weird hot mess because she’s drunk haha. Watching Hayes check the baby out using technical terms while using a baby voice so as not to scare him warms my heart. I loved Jo’s line, “Oh you’re him!” when she figured out who Hayes was and then tried to hide it so as not to scare him off. I feel like that’s going to be an ongoing plot point and I’ll be interested to see how he finds out that and how he reacts to being brought to Grey Sloan on false pretenses and the fact that all of Meredith’s friends went along with it.

The scenes with Jo and Cormac in the nursery are very revealing. He’s comments imply that he might have worked for Cristina previously which is interesting and thickens the plot considerably. I really like Hayes as a character so far. He checks all the right boxes and in his interactions with Jo this week we got some more insight into his character. Hayes is shown to be competent at his job and as someone who is willing to roll with the punches. He feels compassionate towards others in difficult situations, which includes both scared birth mothers and safe haven volunteers, and doesn’t judge them or their choices. 

What Jo initially thinks is a bad idea turns out to be rather genius. Hayes advocates for the baby hatch/box/chute because it gives birth mothers who are scared and frighten a safe way to help the child they’ve given birth to have a better life and know that they will be taken care of. They help hospital staff help those babies the best way they can. Hayes recognizes that that’s what Jo is trying to do to for this particular baby and is sympathetic. Already that puts him leagues above most of the other men on Grey’s especially with Alex MIA. 

I’m also excited by the prospect of finally seeing Meredith date somehow her friends and family like and who has the potential to be a real partner to her and a real stepfather to her children. They’ve established that Cormac has teenage sons of his own which means there’s the potential there for their kids to interact and to see Meredith and Hayes re-build their lives together and merge their families. That’s way more interesting to me than the whole ‘love interest of the week’ thing they’ve been trotting out for the last little while.

It’s true that Hayes is obnoxious and arrogant at time, but the show has also established that he’s got the skills to match and can admit when he’s wrong. Before the break we saw how he was impressed by Meredith’s skills, but not intimidated or jealous of her and that is exactly what Meredith needs. Someone whose on her level and who gets it, but who understands that he can’t possibly compete with her because she’s just that good. 

I was really worried when Schmitt collapsed in the OR. I’m glad he made it. I loved Mer and Schmitt’s banter afterwards. She’s got all the jokes. I’m not an Owen fan and these days I’m not much of a Jackson fan, but his line to Owen was EPIC! “I figured ‘cause you have two kids together, you live together, you marry everyone, but I guess you have been busy haven’t you?” Jackson spilling the tea! 

In other news, I still hate DeLuca with the passion three thousand burning suns. He’s assigned to help Elliot, the patient whose heart hasn’t restarted whose wife just had a premature baby and he spends the whole time acting like all of it is beneath him. God what an ass. He breaks up with Mer over his own insecurities and then instead of apologizing like Link told him to he mopes around the hospital and stares at her creepily and then texts her the next day wanting to talk. Ugh. Also, I hate that he calls her Mer. 

That’s what her friends and family call her. DeLuca barely knows her. From the minute he took an interest in her and she indicated that she might like him back he started acting like they were madly in love and acting like they’d known each other and been together for years when they’d barely been dating a few weeks and she was adamant he wasn’t her boyfriend. God I hate this guy so much. He’s such a loser. Can they just write him off already so Mer can live her life in peace? In happier news, I was ecstatic when Elliott’s heart started beating again! His poor wife. And then we’re back to Jo and Hayes. The baby’s good to go but he sees how attached she is so he suggests they wait a while longer before calling social services. 

We also learn some important information about Hayes in this scene. We learn he’s a father to two teenage boys and was in residency when his boys were infants. We also learn that Hayes is a member of the ‘it’s okay to steal cute babies’ club! He’ll fit right in with Mer and Jo! Although maybe not with Link. I really love Link and Jo’s friendship and the scene at the end with them was super cute. I loved how Richard was there for Bailey in the OR when she needed him. I’m happy that they’re friends again. Poor Bailey the scene with her and Richard in the OR made me cry. She’s not fine. “She just was. And now she isn’t.”

Admittedly, I don’t like Owen as a character but that was a good save with Simms! If he hadn’t caught that Simms would be dead. After the surgery is complete Jackson and Owen talk to Simms’ Grandmother where they learn that when Koracick moved to Seattle and wanted Simms with him he paid for his grandmother to move there too. I loved their exchange. “You know how emotional he is.” “Koracick? Of course, yeah super emotional guy.” LOL. But seriously though that was really sweet of him. He’s an ass, but he’s an ass that cares when it counts. 

I like that Koracick thanked Owen and shook his hand. That was good of him. If the situation was reversed I don’t know if Owen would do the same. The Schmico scene at the end was cute! I think there’s an interesting parallel here between the Schmico scene and that Calzona scene from several seasons back. And just then, Hayes is standing at a nurses station, when Meredith comes around the corner! Squee! 

Straight up, Meredith and Hayes were in a scene together for all of 5 seconds this episode and they had flat out more chemistry than her and DeLuca have ever had! Or most of her other recent love interests more that matter. I said what I said. They talk for a few minutes and then Hayes walks off to go do something. At which point Jo walks up to Mer and says, “I have to say I kinda see it.” Jo Karev: A woman after my own heart! Sing it sister! Grayes all the way! 

Meredith is displeased as she finds him obnoxious to which Jo replies, “Don’t be mad at me. He’s Yang’s gift.” Haha I love it! I want my best friend to send me a man. Anyone else? In other news, Owen finally proposes to Teddy! I’m not a towen shipper, but I have to say this proposal was really sweet. Amelia decides to learn from her mistakes and tell Link the truth only to have Owen and Teddy announce their engagement right in front of them! Yikes! 

And Koracick sees the whole thing from a far. Oh boy. RIP Tomaltman? Korackman? Whatever we were calling it it’s dead now. Amelia can’t bring herself to come clean after that and who can blame her? I wouldn’t be able to either. So instead she tells Link they’re having a boy Oh boy. Here we go again. We then cut away from the hospital to find Maggie drunk and passed out on the couch. Oh dear. 

Someone won’t stop knocking at the door so she gets up to answer it. And look who it is. It’s none other than her ex DeLuca. Man this guy is the gift that keeps on giving! He tells her that Elliot’s heart restarted which is nice of him. He should have stopped there and left. Instead he asks if they can talk and Maggie being grateful let’s him in. He then proceeds to complain to his ex-girlfriend whose obviously hurting about how he blew it with her older sister. 

God this guy is such an ass! He breaks up with Mer over his own insecurities and then has the audacity to go to his ex whose her sister and ask for advice to win her back while Maggie herself is hurting. Screw this guy! Then he tries to act like he didn’t break up with Meredith while also admitting that he meant what he said. Wow. He’s both a gaslighter and a complete idiot. As Maggie says he, “Hurt someone whose had more than enough hurt for a lifetime.” Maggie gets it and DeLuca needs to get the hell out. 

He keeps talking about how he wants to undo the hurt he’s caused as if they got into a minor fight. Buddy. You don’t undo it you idiot you just move on and let Meredith and her sisters live their lives and leave them alone you jackass! And as if DeLuca’s idiocy isn’t bad enough, we then find out that Maggie’s being sued for wrongful death for what happened with Sabrina. 

Also how does DeLuca not comprehend that someone with the last name Webber is related to Richard and Maggie? Man, this guy is dumb. We then cut back to the hospital to find Bailey alone in her office, but not for long. Richard and Meredith come to her office to comfort her. Mer brings her tissues and donuts and holds her hand while she tells her that, “I had a miscarriage once. I never felt so lonely.” God Grey’s just break my heart why don’t you? And then everyone laughs about the donuts Meredith brought. My heart.

Well that was intense! Now onto next week’s promo! Oooooh and it looks like things are heating up between Mer and Hayes! In the bad news column, it looks like DeLuca continues to try and gaslight Mer with the whole ‘I didn’t dump you, you just interpreted it that way’ thing and it looks like Mer is having none of it thank god! In other news it looks like Teddy somehow lost her engagement ring and Amelia finally comes clean with Link! Can’t wait!

Until next time! 

[elliemarchetti]

What if scenarios for red queen: What if Shade lived? What if Elara had survived? What if Maven had a kid with Iris? What if Cal had said no in king's cage? What if Montfort was involved with the scarlet guard before the events of red queen? What if Mare accepted Montfort's offer in glass sword? What if Mare wasn't captured by Maven? What if Maven survived? What if Tiberias Vl died before the events of red queen? What if Mare didn't fall into the arena? What if indeed.

Once I wrote a story called What If (you can find it in my old masterlist but I suggest not to read it  or do it lightly because my writing style and my english improved a lot since when I wrote it and I don’t really remember if it made sense) but unfortunately it doesn’t answer any of your questions as I have been  struck at chapter 4 for years so I will address your questions in a sort of bullet list that I couldn't wait to use (even if it doesn't seem to I love when things are well ordered).

What if Shade lived

Shade was a valuable asset for the Scarlet Guard, maybe the most valuable they had, and as it happened to George Martin with Robb Stark (as he said in an interview, he had to kill him off otherwise he would’ve conquered the Seven Kingdoms without all the drama that whoever read ASOIAF or watched GOT knows very well) Victoria Aveyard had to do the same, otherwise things would’ve been “too simple” for the good guys. His death shocked Mare and the readers very much, but I consider it extremely wasted as: 

we already knew how Mare mourned and missed him since she believed he was dead in RQ

although he remained her favorite their relationship had still changed, showing how even if two people love each other and are incredibly similar they can grow and take different paths even if in the same family

she was already scarred by other things and at the end of the series she would’ve been way more even without his death

Farley lost again someone she loved and we already know that her reaction to pain is anger.

To balance these points, and still leave the same psychological outcome in the characters, I think it would’ve made more sense if:

one of Mare's older brothers had died, leaving her wondering how things would’ve changed if she had prevented them from fighting as they’re Reds in a war full of people with abilities and leaving the Barrow’s still incomplete but with a different loss to manage 

the Colonel had died, leaving Farley to wonder if she couldn’t have fixed things before his premature departure and what would’ve changed with Clara’s birth (not to mention the fact that I like to imagine that after Clara they would’ve had another girl called Madeline and, after several years and long debates in Diana’s mind, a boy called Willis)

Either way, by analyzing more pratically what would’ve changed if Shade hadn't died, the first thing that comes to my mind is that Mare’s captivity in KC would’ve been way shorter, partly because of Shade's ability, partly because he and Cal would’ve come up with a plan in less than ten minutes and acting on their own, with Farley and Kilorn’s help, they would’ve rescued her. In general, KC and WS’s events would’ve taken much less time, to the point that I think they could’ve been a single book.

What if Elara had survived and what if Maven had a kid with Iris

There are two different options to this question: Elara survives and returns to the role she had in GS or she’s captured by the Scalet Guard. With Elara to force her son's hand, and, let's face it, reign in his place, as she has always been a puppeteer, her whispers the threads she used to move her puppets, Maven’s reign would’ve been much more dangerous. First of all, I don't think she would’ve ever allowed her son to publicly offend the Samos, with the possibility that they would turn against them, but she would’ve created another complex scheme to kill Evangeline by putting the blame on the Scarlet Guard or on Cal's allies, for then team up with the Cygnets anyway, although I think the alliance would’ve been far less shaky with her to manage it and Iris would’ve been the condescending queen necessary to allow Maven to have the heir who would’ve made his position on the throne safer. Knowing her thirst for power she would still have sinned of arrogance and once Cenra died she would’ve attacked Tiora, obviously always in a subtle way and by putting the blame on someone else, so that Maven's son would become heir to Norta and the Lakelands, creating a single, large state. Without Elara's whispers if Maven and Iris had had a child it would have been through an act that bordered on rape, and once things had gone as they went in WS I'm not sure Iris would’ve brought the baby with her in the Lakelands therefore he would’ve ended up exiled, as it happened in the past with children in uncomfortable positions, in Prairie. On the other hand, if Elara had survived but had been captured by the Scarlet Guard, she would’ve died anyway as I don't think that, although those closest to the Mare would’ve proposed it, an exchange would’ve ever been made between them, Command too conscious of her political power and of the danger that the woman's ability entailed.

What if Cal had said no in KC

Assuming you are talking about rejecting the crown, surely there would’ve been less romantic drama in WS, at least until Maven's death, but things would’ve been politically much more difficult since, if Cal had abdicated before his brother's death, Maven would’ve been the actual heir and it wouldn’t have helped anyone, so he should’ve accepted the crown anyway to convince the Silvers to join the cause and at the same time make Maven illegitimate while only a limited circle should’ve known that his effective intent was to abdicate once the kingdom was reunited, perhaps with a lot of signed documents as I can't imagine the Scarlet Guard base the outcome of the war on another Silver prince’s word after Maven’s betrayal. But if he had actually refused they would’ve had to fight not Maven’s kingdom but monarchy in general, therefore losing the support of many Silver, although I am convinced that they would still have been able to win, although probably with many more dead, thanks to the help from Montfort and a couple of allies convinced that Cal's decision was wise, probably the Lower Houses and common Silvers who would’ve benefited from the abolition of the monarchy and racial laws

What if Montfort was involved with the SG before RQ’s events

It would make complete sense because the SG’s purpose is to obtain a government like Montfort’s. Obviously, even in this case, things would’ve been much faster and much safer and the saga would’ve been much shorter, not to mention the fact that newbloods are not new there and therefore the SG could’ve started talking about Reds with abilities much earlier, which would’ve given Norta’s Red population much more courage.

What if Mare accepted Montfort's offer in GS

In hindsight, it would’ve made sense as they would’ve attacked Corros prison much better prepared, not to mention the fact that Mare is a wonderful trainer, so she would’ve had the best team ever. Also the electricon squad really has too little space in the saga while I would’ve liked to see them bond further.

What if Mare wasn't captured by Maven

Again there are several options: if Maven had captured the others but Mare had managed to escape she would still have tried to negotiate for that exchange, once she realized she had no other way to save them, while if he killed all of them the entire outcome of the war would’ve been different since Cal would’ve died leaving Maven as the rightful king, not to mention the profound psychological damage Mare would’ve faced after she left most of her friends, family and her boyfriend to die. The last option is that they weren’t intercepted at all and managed to get to the Choke, but the possible outcomes are too many to be analyzed and the various results would’ve incredibly modified the subsequent books in completely different ways. Honestly, if I can dream and not force Mare to endure captivity, I would’ve liked if she and others had managed to escape but someone, including a person she cared about but not Cal, since this would’ve made things more difficult, had been captured. Maven would try to organize some kind of exchange and Mare would accept but all the others would prevent her, showing her that she wasn’t selfish to save herself and reminding her that she isn’t only a weapon but also a powerful political pawn. Obviously Maven, keeping his word, would’ve killed the hostages and this would’ve hurt Mare but certainly less than being imprisoned at his mercy.

What if Maven survived

I think that @elane-in-the-shadows has written something about it and I recommend you take a look at her blog because I think it's exactly how things should’ve gone but if I'm wrong about the author and someone knows what fanfiction I'm talking about (where Maven escapes before Mare could find him) feel free to let me know and I’ll add the link here because it’s a masterpiece

What if Tiberias Vl died before RQ

If he died of natural causes just before RQ Cal would’ve been king and would’ve listened to what Julian claimed Elara did, and he would probably have read his mother's diary before, consequently exlingin her or killing her if he considered it the only possible option to please everyone without certainly considering that Maven could’ve acted against him as, and it’s stated repeated several times, Cal is definitely blind about his brother therefore the saga would’ve been mainly about Maven who wants revenge and consequently the throne for which his mother had fought so much and performed such horrible acts. I can already imagine Maven saying he can marry Evangeline in Cal’s place so that he can stay with Mare when he’s just plotting with Volo Samos for the Kingdom of the Rift to split from the rest of Norta and then launches a consequent attack to conquer it entirely, promising peace between their kingdoms and a legitimate throne for House Samos. If Tiberias VI died instead shortly after Maven’s birth Elara would’ve tried to control Cal as she did with Maven but according to the bloodline the regent would’ve been Julian, therefore it wouldn’t have ended well for her anyway, which is why I consider that the plan devised in RQ tremendously brilliant since it contemplates years of waiting but strikes at the right time, so much so that many High House believed the story woven by her and supported her son, at least as long as she was there to control him and make him seem less insane.

What if Mare didn't fall into the arena

If we want a similar story she could’ve shown her ability when she and Cal first met and they could’ve tried to analyze and understand it with Julian without Mare having to be Mareena and meet Maven, which, in the long run, could’ve only benefit her and at the same time she and Cal could still have fallen in love while she still had the opportunity to help the Scarlet Guard, while if the question you ask me is "what would have happened if Mare had become a maid anyway and had never shown her powers, or at least not immediately" I think she and Cal would’ve had a clandestine relationship and she would’ve used it to learn as many things as possible to report to the Scarlet Guard until a life or death situation would’ve triggered her ability, making historical events not very different from those of the saga but erasing Maven's interest in her if not as a weapon to weaken his brother.