#also the asymmetry of the one car with the doors open and choosing to not make it a repeating pattern is disgusting

[cadburycreampie]

Ignoring the ridiculous price for basically a printed on pullover shirt, while i realize that the second row is supposed to be Tesla charging stations; you cannot tell me they don’t look like someone putting a dildo in a glass of disinfectant overnight. They even have the balls resting on the rim, c’mon

[sob-dylan]

ranking of bcs season 5 episodes based on how sexy i found them

10. Namaste dir. & writ. Gordon Smith

good ep, not sexy. jimmy commits his first hate crime against the dandy howard hamlin. hostile work environment at los pollos. the return of the uncomfortably stereotypical thugs that beat up mike. very let down because gordon smith has written some of bcs’s sexiest episodes in past seasons, including gloves off, chicanery, & something beautiful. the car chase intercut with lyle cleaning the fryer was pretty sexy tho. 2/10

9. Dedicado a Max dir. Jim McKay, writ. Heather Marion

this ep ranks so low because of what it could have been. was expecting it to be the sexiest episode, but was given very little of what was promised. the fountain was sexy, scheming kim was sexy, any invocation of revenge is sexy. that’s about it. 2.5/10

8. Wexler v. Goodman dir. Michael Morris, writ. Thomas Schnauz

first we’ve seen of nacho in a long time, but as usual it’s not nearly enough. he is reunited with mike, giving him the opportunity to play a bargaining chip for the first time in two seasons, which is sexy of him, but also reminded me of the how little he’s done since he became fring’s dog. nacho being underutilized is not sexy. (i could go on a whole rant about the poker chip we’ve seen nacho fiddling with a few times during different collection scenes, but i don’t think i quite understand it enough). kim suffers the worst day of her professional career because jimmy decided he knew what she wanted instead of listening to her. not sexy. lalo getting arrested was, of course, very sexy. 4/10

7. Magic Man directed by Bronwen Hughes, written by Peter Gould

sexy episode, but it all rests on the shoulders of lalo, nacho, & gus (+ a very timid domingo-- i’m into that). the mcwexler stuff just made me sad. lalo’s lounging in el michoacáno with his blue loafers kicked up? much appreciated. lalo and nacho constantly calling each other “man”? nice! the sit down between lalo and gus was very sexy, but the sexiest part of this episode for me was the trap house, especially the beginning sequence. loved the scene starting from inside the car with some great tunes, the camera following the meth down the drainpipe, lalo’s erratic driving and his refusal to acknowledge arlo, the power that nacho has demonstrated by arlo shutting up when he gets out of the car, the slightly shaky camera work in this moment, nacho leaping up those stairs and then pounding on the door before gently telling mouse it’s okay. all incredibly sexy! 6/10

6. JMM dir. Melissa Bernstein, writ. Alison Tatlock

pretty fucking sexy for production legend melissa bernstein’s directorial debut.  not only is it the first bit of substantial lalo content in a while, it’s the debut of jorge de guzman! the shot of him from the shoulders down with the focus on his tattoo? sneaking a phone in so he can tell nacho to burn down los pollos? the arson itself? very, very sexy. vague allusions to what went down in santiago? frustrating, but sexy. kim and jimmy consummating the most ill-advised marriage ever authorized by the state of new mexico? sexy, (especially kim’s hair). lydia rodarte-quayle! “shanked and shivved and whatnot.” that was a very sexy suggestion, lydia, keep ‘em coming! 7/10

5. Bagman dir. Vince Gilligan, writ. Gordon Smith

vince gilligan’s triumphant and very sexy return. the shoot out! the time lapse of the clouds while jimmy and mike walk along at a normal speed! “my wife” & “mrs. goodman!” and of course, the sexiest thing of all, the meeting between kim and lalo. gordon smith redeemed himself with this one. despite the piss-drinking, a very sexy episode indeed. 7.8/10

4. The Guy For This dir. Michael Morris, writ. Ann Cherkis 

a very, very sexy ep! a swarm of ants set to yodeling isn’t in itself sexy, but i respect the symbolism and the bold creative choice. but then! the garage scene! imo this was the sexiest scene of the season. everything from the blocking to the lighting, not to mention the Acting. i’ve rewatched that scene many, many times. other sexy things about this episode: kim yelling at acker, kim opening up, nacho’s lounging-at-home-watching-soccer outfit, amber & jo, the one genuine smile nacho has all season (at the beginning of a devastating conversation with his father), lalo making jimmy and nacho watch him drive his car, “you’ll make time!”, nacho’s signature car-leaning, & “once you’re in, you’re in.” 8/10

3. 50% Off dir. Norberto Barba, writ. Alison Tatlock

look: i can admit that this hole ranking system is heavily dependent on how much nacho & lalo there was in an episode. this episode started with a home invasion at casa de varga so that gus could intimidate nacho in his underwear and ended with nacho rolling up on jimmy and then making him drop his mint chip in the street. and in between? the poker game. the birth of ocho loco/krazy-8. THE PARKOUR. “ignacio varga, eres un chingon.” the small expression of pride on nacho’s face when lalo says “it’s your call.” nacho finally accepting food from lalo, only to find it’s a trap! lalo using his own brand of the lie detector to make nacho offer to kill his oldest friend. dear god! this ep marked the explosion of the eduardo “lalo” salamanca/ignacio “nacho” varga tag on ao3. it’s an inspiring kind of sexiness. mike’s story was compelling, but a boner-killer. 8.9/10

2.  Bad Choice Road dir. & writ. Thomas Schnauz

ah! the something stupid callback! jimmy falling to his knees when he finally gets a signal! kim crying! jimmy’s trauma! the godfather reference with the oranges! (and no, i didn’t pull that out of my ass. peter gould mentioned it on the podcast) the care-taking, despite kim having every right to be furious with jimmy! the tender and heartbroken look on lalo’s face when he leaves the nursing home! lalo impatiently ordering his new chauffeur nacho around! the way lalo stands when nacho drops him off at the well! how happy nacho is to finally be rid of lalo for just 3 seconds before lalo gets back in the car! the lalo leap! the final scene! rhea claiming her emmy! but ultimately what’s so sexy about this ep is how well it encapsulated the ethos of the show. i’m still salty about the dinner party (???) with lalo, nacho, and nacho’s girlfriends getting cut, tho. 9/10

1. Something Unforgivable dir. Peter Gould, writ. Peter Gould & Ariel Levine

i don’t consider it the best episode of the season (that would be bagman), nor is it my favorite (that would be 50% off), but imo it is the sexiest episode of bcs yet. slippin’ kimmy! the finger guns! the kansas city royals shirt! kim laughing in howard’s face! the post-coital mcwexler scheming! and of course every single scene in mexico! nacho’s forced smiles! lalo’s unmitigated excitement at returning home! “nachito!” lalo’s despicable but still somehow sexy attitude toward that poor kid ciro! the scene where he’s fixing the car! lalo’s praise of nacho! lalo being the life of the party! everyone adoring him expect for juan bolsa! lalo’s party shirt! nacho’s tough but respectful chain-over-a-fully-buttoned-shirt-cause-it’s-time-to-meet-the-don look! nacho spelling out exactly what he wants! lalo closely watching nacho and don eladio! the intimate, late-night fireside conversation! the beautiful emotional asymmetry of that scene! a man who is finally ready to allow himself to trust someone choosing the wrong person! (in other words: lalo lowkey trying to get laid while nacho’s actively trying to facilitate his assassination!) nacho being the resourceful little bitch we all love! lalo immediately blaming poor ciro! (seriously, what is the story there??) the frying pan! the fucking tunnel! lalo kneeling over that dying hitman, peeling off the mask that’s melted to his face, and gently telling him “esta bien” ! lalo limping out of his estate with murder in his eyes, ready to hunt down the only man not carrying the Salamanca name he’s ever trusted! if this ep had included nacho regaining a shred of agency over his situation, it could have a perfect score. 9.9/10