#also that automatic reaching for your phone really becomes painfully obvious if it comes with the reminder each time

[queerofthedagger]

nothing to humble you as quick as your mobile data not working when you're out of wifi range. like oh man i really am entirely dependent on this stupid fucking phone and the condition that it both lets me make calls/texts and access the internet huh (so so so so derogatory)

[iwaslut]

— 𝖌𝖑𝖚𝖙𝖙𝖔𝖓𝖔𝖚𝖘

this is my piece for @karasunosimp’s “it’s raining milk” collab!! this is my first time ever participating in a collab, so thank you for letting me join <3

milf!sasha braus

fem!reader, nsfw content, large age gap, wlw, oral sex.

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT ♡ 18+ CONTENT

Your job as a babysitter had quite a few perks.

One: The pay is good. You were rather reluctant to resort to babysitting as a part-time job but, desperate times call for desperate measures, especially when you’re trying to earn some form of income while putting yourself through your last year of University. So you were pleasantly surprised when you had been offered more than you normally would be compensated when babysitting.

Two: The kid you babysit, Kaya, is an absolute angel. Due to her rather withdrawn nature, Kaya typically keeps herself busy by quietly reading in her room or watching the television in the living room. As time has passed and Kaya’s slowly become accustomed to your presence, she no longer seems as apprehensive to interact with you as she once was. It’s obvious to you that she’s a good kid. Although she’d rather keep to herself, she’s always polite when you converse and sometimes she’ll even ask if you want to join her and watch a show together. She has pretty good taste in shows, you think as you watch “The Winx Club” together.

Three: Miss Braus is one of the hottest fucking women you’ve seen in your life. She looks fucking incredible for a woman her age and you were honestly shocked to learn that she’s as old as she is. Whenever you interact with the woman, you have to physically restrain yourself from allowing your eyes to lower; her shirts are always exceptionally tight, clinging like a second-skin to her tits. It’s only when she turns around to leave through the front door that you let yourself check out the older woman. She has a damn nice ass.

“Hello, Miss Braus.” With your tote bag resting on your shoulder, you step inside of the home as the brunette warmly ushers you in.

“Miss Braus makes me feel old. How many times do I have to tell you that Sasha will do just fine, sweetheart?” She complains, playfully scolding you as you slip off your sneakers by the entrance of the door. Her hands are firmly placed on the curve of her hips when you lift your head to offer her a sheepish grin.

“Sorry, Mi—Sorry, Sasha. Force of habit, I guess.” You bring up one hand to rub at the back of your neck, brows lightly pinching together when you survey the space to see Kaya nowhere in sight. “Eh, pardon me, Sasha, but where’s Kaya at?”

Although you’re well aware of how reserved her daughter is, you’ve come to expect Kaya to be curled up on the couch reading a novel whenever you come over to babysit her. You guys have fallen into the habit where you’ll cook her lunch as soon as you arrive while she reads nearby so it’s rather unusual that the blonde girl is nowhere to be seen.

“She’s at her father’s house for the day.” For a brief moment, the brunette’s expression pinches up: distaste for the blond man made evident on her face. You don’t know too much about Sasha’s ex-husband, just that he’s some renowned chef that frequently travels a lot. Niccolo is his name if you recall correctly. It’s not your place to pry so you choose to not ask any questions regarding the matter and listen when Sasha slips little tidbits of information regarding her ex-husband.

Wait. What?

“Kaya’s not here?” If Kaya’s not here then why were you still scheduled to babysit today?

You’re drawn out of your train of thought when Sasha places a gentle hand on your shoulder. You startle at the little amount of space in between the two of you.

“Nope!” She cheerfully exclaims as she slips your bag off of your shoulders. You’re left in a stupor, wondering what the fuck is going on, but you shake it off and follow Sasha, who has turned around and is now making her way in the direction of the kitchen.

“I thought we could chat today!” Her back is turned towards you as you take a seat at one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter. She floats around the kitchen, grabbing items from the fridge and cabinets. Your eyes glue themselves to the thin sliver of skin that appears when Sasha’s shirt rides up as she reaches for something in one of the upper cabinets.

“O-oh, okay.” This turn of events is rather strange, but you’re not complaining. Sasha’s a really wonderful conversationalist: the conversation flows naturally between you two and you’re always left in stitches at the jokes she cracks. Also, you get the opportunity to openly ogle her with her back facing you as she cooks something on the stove. You’re not going to pass up on an opportunity like this.

“I’m making us some lunch, but it’s going to take some time to cook.” You’re knocked out of your reverie once again and quickly avert your gaze from Sasha’s ass to meet her eyes. You desperately hope you were fast enough that she didn’t catch you. Her expression doesn’t give anything away so you think you’re good.

“Sounds good to me! Thank you so much for making lunch.” Your mouth waters at the thought of eating Sasha’s cooking. Although you’ve never tried it, Kaya’s always boasted about how her parents are both great cooks. You’re looking forward to trying her food since Kaya speaks so highly of it.

“Of course, honey! It’s no issue especially for such a sweet girl.” Your thighs automatically squeeze together. You mentally thank a higher being that the counter hides your lower half because that would be painfully embarrassing for you if your employer saw how turned on they made you by uttering only two words.

You watch as Sasha floats around the kitchen, grabbing some more ingredients from the fridge and different cabinets before tossing them all together on the stove to simmer. You fidget in your seat, never one who was good at sitting still with nothing to occupy your attention. You feel that it would be rude for you to pull out your phone and scroll through social media in Sasha’s presence.

“There we go! Now we just have to let this simmer for a while,” she exclaims, turning around to face you and clapping her hands together. A pretty smile graces her face and her features light up when you return it with a grin of your own.

“Since it's going to take some time, how about we get comfy?”

Sasha pats the seat next to her on the couch, prompting you to slip out of the stool you’re sitting on to join her. You make sure to maintain a respectable distance that Sasha effectively destroys when she scoots closer to you until your knees are brushing against one another’s. The lack of space between you two makes you more nervous than you’d like to admit, but you don’t move from your spot.

The air is stolen straight out of your lungs when Sasha places a delicate hand on your knee.

“You know, you’re not really discreet when you’re checking me out, honey,” Sasha notes.

“Huh—what?” It takes your brain a moment to process what Sasha’s said, especially as her hand steadily inches up your thigh. Once you realize what she’s said, embarrassment crashes over you in a cold wave.

“Oh my god, I am so so so sorry Miss Braus. Please forgive—.”

Your words die out when Sasha places the hand that’s not on your thigh on your cheek, forcing you to look her way.

“You talk too much, sweetheart,” Sasha affectionately chides before she presses her lips to yours, effectively shutting you up in the process. You’re frozen still for a moment. Is this actually fucking happening? When you feel Sasha move her lips against yours, you realize that yes, this is, in fact, fucking happening.

Any of your prior hesitations is thrown out the window when you feel Sasha’s hands slip underneath the hem of your t-shirt. Your tongue traces the seam of her lips before Sasha parts them, letting you in. Your hands rest on her hips, urging and guiding her to seat herself on top of your lap.

You smile against her lips as a startled gasp leaves them when you firmly squeeze her ass.

“Too much clothing,” she rasps out while pulling her shirt over her head. You’re quick to follow suit and tug your own t-shirt off just in time to watch Sasha unclasp her bra. Her breasts spill out from underneath the constraining fabric and jiggle before settling against her chest.

As much as you want to lean forward and lather her tits in attention, you’re eager to switch the position you’re currently in. Sasha’s back hits the couch’s cushions with a quiet thump as your frame leers above her.

Her eyes widen in brief surprise at the action, but Sasha’s not granted much time to think when you swoop down to kiss her again. It’s sloppier this time around. You have no clue when, or if, you’ll ever get this chance again and you’re determined to make the most of it. You want to ingrain the taste of Sasha into your brain.

Her hands tangle together behind your neck when you begin your descent down her body. You lick the bead of sweat trailing down the column of her neck and gently nip at the skin there. Not hard enough to make any marks, but just hard enough to elicit a gasp from Sasha.

“Fuck. Just like that.”

She throws her head back when you swirl your tongue around the hardened bud of her nipple while your fingers roll her other one. You lavish her tits in attention, sucking and nipping at them until blood rushes to the surface of her skin. When you lean back, you mentally pat yourself on the back. Her tits are a mess, covered in hickies of varying sizes.

You pepper kisses to her stomach, relishing in how soft and plush her skin is, before tossing her legs over your shoulders.

“You look so good like this, Sasha. So pretty and desperate for me to eat you out,” you coo. You hook your arms underneath her thighs, grabbing fistfuls of the fat of her ass until she’s positioned in a way you like.

“Hurry up and put your mouth on me already.” She tightens her thighs around your head and digs her heels into your back, urging you to get on with it already. If this was any other situation, you’d draw it out a little longer until Sasha was on the verge of tears and begging you to eat her out, but you’re feeling impatient. You can’t lie and say you’re not eager to have a taste of her.

Before Sasha can complain at how long you’re taking, you dive in. A startled moan tears its way out of her throat when you lick a long, deep stripe along her dripping slit. You lap at her cunt like a woman starved, devouring her whole. You circle her clit with your tongue before latching onto it.

“Shit. I’m so close. You’re doing s’good.”

Her back arches off of the sofa as her hands bury themselves into your hair. She digs the blunt edges of her nails into your scalp and the slight splintering pain has you moaning into her cunt.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum. Shit! I’m cumming.”

She sharply digs her heels into the muscle of your upper back and she cums with a loud cry. You hold her in place as she convulses, bucking her hips wildly as she rides out her orgasm. You gently suckle on her clit and run your tongue through her folds until she’s whimpering.

The incessant beeping of the timer that Sasha had previously set startles the two of you. From in between her thighs, you stare up at her with a crooked grin. A mixture of her juices and cum coats your lips and chin. Her eyes dart to the pink of your tongue when you lick your lips clean. You use the back of your hand to wipe your chin, which only serves to smear the liquid more.

“Thanks for the dessert, Sasha. I’m looking forward to tasting your cooking now.”

[wordsfromthesol]

Replacement (1/2)

Author: @wordsfromthesol​ Pairing: Tim Drake x Reader Warnings: Language, violence Word Count: 2.2k Requested: @beebosclique​ A/N: Thanks for the request because I’ve been on a real Tim Drake kick lately. Which is probably why this story is so long (not sorry). Also (not) sorry for reusing superhero names in my stories…I’ve only come up with like 2 that I like. Also also, thanks for the love 💛💛

Part Two

You had no real memories of your life at the circus, you were only three years old when Bruce Wayne took you in. He and Dick were the only family you knew, well until Jason came into the picture. Jason, unlike Dick, realized that you could take care of yourself. In fact, Jason often sparred with you and secretly taught you as Bruce and Dick taught him. When he died you begged to take over the Robin mantle. You knew there needed to be one, Bruce would go too far, you were even worried Dick would go to far. Tim becoming Robin was the final punch in the gut you needed. They would never allow you to be in the family business, no matter how prepared for it you were. The day Tim passed the gauntlet was the same day you finished your costume. That day Eclipse was born and she quickly made a name for herself, all while avoiding Tim Drake, both at home and in the field.

Jason returned and the Robin mantle got passed once again. You didn’t even ask for it this time. Your silence is what led Jason to discovering your secret identity. You had to admit, it was nice to finally have someone to talk to about it, someone to patch you up if you ever got too injured.

**

“Y/N/N, I don’t get why you won’t just tell them.”

“Because Dick would murder me. He wouldn’t let me be Robin, you think he would be okay with me going out there solo?”

“Yeah, but it would make my life way easier, especially when you need your shoulder reset.” Jason shook his head and mumbled, “can’t believe you waited until morning to come to me.”

“You know if you tell him, he’ll kill you.”

“Hm, well I’ve tried that. Didn’t like it too much, so I guess I’m stuck.”

You nodded at Jason, bracing yourself for the pain. “Shit…” you mumbled as you felt the joint jolt back into place.

“You do remember that I’m your older brother too, right? I don’t like you going out by yourself either.”

“Yes and I have you on speed dial every time I’m out there.” You sighed, trying to give him some reassurance. “Plus…if my vitals drop below a certain point, my suit automatically sends a message straight to Dick and Bruce explaining everything. I can’t override it.”

“Still doesn’t make me feel great, especially since you probably have the settings set to when you’re dead.” You just stuck your tongue out in response. “So I didn’t hear Tim or Damian on that list…”

“Well, I barely know the demon brat. It’s been like a year since he stumbled into our lives, plus he’s a child.”

“Fair enough. You know you can’t blame Tim.”

“I’m not…blaming.”

Jason threw his hands up in defense, “If you say so.” Jason peripheral vision caught Tim’s figure and a smirk grew on his face. “Hey Timbers!” He shouted as you whipped around, hoping Jason was just joking. He wasn’t. “Y/N here could use a sparring partner. Someone to teach her the ropes.” You looked back at Jason, an angry glare in your eyes.

“She…uh…she wants me to teach her…?”

“Well I would love to Timbo, but I promised…uh…Dick that I would help him out.” Tim eyebrow’s shot up, clearly not believing his brother’s lies, before he turned towards you looking for clarification.

“That would be great Tim.” You gritted through your teeth, trying not to sound sarcastic. “Let me just go change.” You shot daggers back at Jason before scampering off. Tim waited until you faded from view before speaking again.

“You know she hates me, right Jay?”

“She doesn’t hate you. She hates what you took from her.”

“I didn’t take anything of hers.” Jason looked at his brother, solemnly.

“Tim. This…” Jason gestured around him, “has been her whole life. Don’t you think she wanted to be Robin? To prove that she belonged in this family.” Jason quickly dropped the serious demeanor. He was never very good at it anyways. “I think once she sees the real you, not the Robin you. She’ll come around replacement!” Jason’s eye caught you in the doorway. He jogged up next to you, “Remember to see past Robin.” He winked at you before leaving the two of you alone.

“Well that was weird.” Tim commented, gesturing you towards him.

“Eh. Jay only pretends not to care about family.” You brushed off the comment as you took your stance.

**

Hours went by, and your shoulder was well beyond it’s limit…something Tim noticed and used to pin you down one final time.

“Alright, I think you’re done.” He clamored as he held out a hand to help you up. A hand which you denied. “What did you do to your shoulder anyways? Need me to look at it?”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” You swatted his hand away.

“Y/N/N!” You heard Dick’s voice in the distance.

“Don’t tell him anything.” You mumbled to Tim, before turning to greet your brother. “Dickie! Tim was just showing me some new moves.”

Dick stopped at your side, “Tim…you let Tim teach you?” Even Dick was in disbelief. You just shrugged, not offering a response. “Well I was looking for you to let you know I took the night off! I don’t have to leave after dinner.”

“Ohh…” You stammered, “I…uh…I have plans. With Ellen. Mo…movies.”

“Awe, can’t you cancel? I need time with my little sister.”

“I…I so would. But she’s going through this tough time. Her, uh, her boyfriend just broke up with her and…I just I need to be there.”

“Fine,” Dick whined out. “But we’re still on for the diner, right?”

“Of course. Wouldn’t miss it.” You pressed a kiss to Dick’s cheek before running out of the room. You were never good at lying to your brother and thankfully, due to his nightly activities, you rarely had to. Grabbing your phone, you quickly sent Ellen a text, just in case Dick decided to fact check you. Only it wasn’t Dick you needed to worry about. Dick would never believe that his baby sister was lying to him, Tim on the other hand witnessed the entire train wreck.

“I got a case to work on…” Tim gestured towards the computer before leaving Dick standing in the training room alone. Tim went back and forth in his mind, but ultimately decided he would check your phone just in case you were in trouble. That’s when he saw the text message. The one you just sent to Ellen.

Hey girl, used you as a lie to Dick. If he asks we are going to the movies and you just broke up with your boyfriend.

Man you really didn’t want to hang out with your brother tonight.

Yeah, well I already had plans and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

That doesn’t say much…

😜😜

**

You were finally able to ditch your brother and were posted on a rooftop, just outside a supposed new drug den.

“What are we looking at?” The sudden voice made you jump. You quickly regained composure, striking a defensive stance. “Relax…” Red Robin came out of the shadows, “I only want to help.”

You huffed at the sight but attempted to contain your discontent, “You don’t normally patrol tonight.”

“Just wanted to keep the criminals on their toes.”

“I’m sure they’re shaking in their boots…to answer your question, I think it’s a new drug den. Followed someone here a few days ago.”

“Well, why aren’t we moving on it?”

“I’m waiting for someone.”

“And that would be…?”

“Someone who still has a choice. If you’re staying, I’m on channel 3.” You commented before dropping into the alley below. Red Robin moved to follow but stopped once he heard your voice come through his comm. “Stay there. We move when I say.” He looked down watching you corner someone.

“Jake.” You calmly called out towards the man. He spun around, realizing he was now stuck in the alley. “What are you doing here?”

“I just…I need money. My baby girl…I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice. I’m about to give you another one.”

“I can’t –” You cut him off.

“I’m not asking for anything regarding those idiots.” You gestured towards the drug den. “This is a choice for you. You can leave right now and trust that I’m going to help you. Or you can go in there and warn them that I’m coming. Maybe they’ll overpower me and maybe you’ll be rewarded for the tip. But think about the life that that leads to. You’re better than that life.”

“How…how would you know that?”

“Because I saw the desperation in your eyes a few nights ago. Then I did some digging. That was your first deal.”

“My daughter.”

“I always thought I never had a choice. I was groomed for this life and then it was held just beyond my reach. I was stuck until I made a different path for myself. Now I try to give that opportunity to others. People who thought they had run out of options.”

Tim was stuck in a trance as he watched this Jake character run the opposite way of the drug den. Eclipse was you; you had just made that painfully obvious. Though he wondered if you intended that or if your mind was set on helping Jake.  Suddenly he was shaken from his mental state as your voice came over his comm yet again. “I’m going in the back door. Meet me there if you still want to help.”

You didn’t wait for his response, but noticed a shadowy figure following just above you. The two of you got to the door at the same time, Red Robin spoke first. “I’ll take left.” Tim wanted your sore shoulder exposed as little as possible.

**

“Your shoulder looks pretty bad…”

“It’ll be fine.” You tried to ignore the searing pain as the two of your waited for the police to come round up all the men.

“Do you want me to take a look?”

“No.”

“Do you at least want some high strength pain killers? I can bring some by –”

“Why are you insistent on helping?”

Red Robin shrugged, “Guess us vigilantes gotta stick together.”

“Right. I’m more of a solo gig kinda vigilante.” You saw a smirk graze his face as you heard the sirens approaching. “And that’s my queue.” You gestured towards the sound and bounded out the door. This is Tim. Tim Drake. He stole Robin from you. The words resonated through your head as you tried to forget tonight. It felt different. Or maybe Jason was right…

Once you got to your secret apartment, you showered and attempted a self-evaluation on your shoulder. You jumped upon hearing the sound of tapping against the glass. Shit. You raced into the bedroom, grabbing your discarded mask and throwing it on before sauntering into the living room.

“What do you want?” You questioned Red Robin’s presence as you opened the window.

“Thought you might want these.” He said, tossing you a bottle of pills. “Also, it would probably help if you wear this for a couple days.” Tim held out a sling.

“Yeah, can’t do that.”

“Hm. It’ll take twice as long to heal if you don’t.” He walked over, inspecting the bruising already forming on your shoulder. “This definitely didn’t happen tonight.”

“It was reset this morning.” You glanced at the time, 3:20am, “Well I guess yesterday morning. It’ll be fine.”

“Alright alright,” Tim held up his hands in defense before reaching into one of his pockets. “Well I know you’re a solo vigilante and all…but if you need me.” Tim placed a card and sling in your hand. Before you could respond he was out the window.

You decided it was probably best to wear the sling. Now all you needed was a lie for why you weren’t staying at the Manor.

**

It had only been a few hours before you woke up clouded in smoke. A fire raged around you. Maybe Tim wasn’t the only one who had followed you home. You shot up, immediately donning your mask and throwing your suit into a nearby duffel bag. Running around, you attempted to start collecting your equipment and paper trails as your phone dialed Jason. No answer. You then tried the comm in your mask, no answer. Shit. I’m going to have to call Tim.

“Eclipse?” The voice sounded groggy on the other end.

“Yeah so…I may be in some trouble.”

“Shit. Your apartment?”

“Yeah.” You jumped out of the way as the kitchen beam collapsed.

“What was that?!”

“Just…let me know when you’re here.”

You ignored his plea to stay on the line and focused on fastening everything to your body. This is going to hurt. You freed your arm from the sling and stepped onto the window ledge. Unfortunately, you were right. Tim was not the only person to follow you tonight, and this person wanted you dead. They were waiting for you to leap from that window. You didn’t even make it to the pavement before you heard the gun fire.

[setoangel01-fanfiction]

Devastation

Crazy - Chapter 23 (Previous Chapters)

Fandom: TMNT 2014-16

Pairing: Raphael x April

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: While awaiting for April to come back home, Raphael learns things he's not at all prepared to hear…

Fanfiction.net

A03

…there had to be an explanation - there just HAD to be...

Every logical part of him tried to come up with something reasonable to explain this behavior after everything they'd been through. Heart hammering and throat parched, Raphael continued to pace around her small apartment. Habitually glancing out the many windows and keeping his scattered focus on her front door, looking down at his cell phone and searching for any clue as to tip him off as to when the beautiful brunette would make her return.

The trepidation of fear and anxiety began boiling deep in his gut without any hopes of alleviating.

Raphael was sorely tempted to text, to call if only to make sure she was okay was becoming an all-encompassing need. Yet another side of him said that he was being ridiculous; perhaps it was just a long game and they had lost track of time at a 24-hour restaurant or pub but as the minutes and hours slowly ticked by without a sign of her intending to return to her apartment, Raphael gradually lost his mind to panic.

Desperation and fear coiling in his gut; terrified for her safety.

Yes, he was damn well aware Casey wasn't just some pretty boy and could in fact defend himself. Raphael didn't need to be reminded of his heroic actions regarding Bebop and Rocksteady that day but there was a doubt, a piece of truth Raphael needed to confront -

Casey was only human.

A decent-enough fighter yet one that couldn't even hope to stand up to more than three or four foot soldiers at the most. He trusted him to be able to protect April more than Ol' Captain Vern but that wasn't saying fucking much…

The criminal activities and the Foot Clan and Karai's prison escape was not far from his mind and it was driving him insane. Karai being their temporary leader left the Foot an actual looming threat and with April out there in the city with no one more than Casey to protect her had his stomach churning with undesirable outcomes for either. The Foot was made up with experienced ninjas under Karai's control - anything could happen at any damn time and April had no real protection other than a pretty boy with a hockey stick….

Raphael was really beginning to panic.

Mind awash with scenarios he did not want to confront; possibilities that they both were indeed in trouble (Casey he didn't care so much - but April…). Picturing the beautiful brunette captured, hurt, crying for help without no one to heed her panicked calls…them hurting her, brutalizing her for information…even killing her to shut her up…

It was now 7am and there was still no sign or call from April, it finally became too damn much for him.

Grabbing his cell phone in massive shaky hands, he dialed her number before putting the small device to his ear. Desperately awaiting her lovely voice on the other line; resolute to hear her distinct tone echoing in ear. For her to answer and successfully push aside his own fearful connotations and his doubts to rest; that she was indeed fine and dandy and he was being far too apprehensive and worried for absolutely no reason (it wouldn't be the first time). Raphael would gladly take a bit of embarrassment for the chance to just hear her on the other line right now…

"Hey!" her voice started after a few rings - sounding like a beautiful chiming bell.

"APRIL!" Raphael bellowed beside himself; heat plummeting to his bowels when her voice suddenly continued uninterrupted.

"-You've reached April O'Neil. I'm unavailable right now but if leave your name and number after the tone, I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I can! Have a nice day!" her message finished and he could see her signature smile she always ended her broadcast with in his mind...Stomach dropping to his bowels like an anchor to the bottom of a lake when reality hit him…

Raphael swallowed thickly.

Heart hammering and nostrils flaring, he pulled the phone away from his face and hung it up with a shaking thumb. Excuses immediately filling his brain so he wouldn't be forced to think of other scenarios he really did not want to fathom let alone entertain. Maybe she was in the bathroom, left it on silent, or perhaps her phone just died…

…That was possible, wasn't it?

Raphael suddenly ran to her kitchen where she always left her phone cord plugged in and, like he suspected, it was there. That made sense. April just forgot her charger so her phone probably just died and she got caught up; maybe even got called into work hours ago. She was just too occupied to get the chance to call him and tell him she wouldn't be there until later on that day…

Yeah, that was probably it…

Within half an hour and still no sign or call from April to be had, Raphael was forced to accept the other possibilities. Flicking on the news, desperately hoping to perhaps see her beautiful face and happily delivering the morning news - all safe and sound. But she wasn't, but there was also no news of an attack or anything of the sort but it still wasn't enough to ease the hallow sensation filling his stomach…

A dreadful feeling he hadn't experienced since he was watching her fall from Sack's tower…

Lowering his eyes from the television, he called her again and like the past ten or so times, it went to voice-mail but more alarming was the fact it went from three rings - to two - than one before just going to voice-mail automatically….Desperation leaking into his gut, Raphael was sorely enticed to head outside and start tearing apart the city looking for her but it now being daylight, there was amount of ninjitsu, no training, and no force on Heaven or earth that would cause him from NOT being seen.

Yet as the seconds and minutes quietly ticked by without knowing where she was or what the hell could have happened, Raphael was beginning not to care.

Screw Splinter and Leonardo's constant berating of never being seen in daylight - April needed him. Raphael stood up, sorely tempted to just fling the window open and search every corner of the city for her. To ignore the screams of the citizens regarding his massive, horrid form; he wouldn't care as long as he found April. Yet when he approached the window and was so ready to just throw it open and leave…her voice in his head stopped him. Telling him to stick around - to wait for her to return. That kept him stuck there - wanting to keep his promise to stay…so he did.

"April…" he breathed; heart hammering painfully and sweat tickling at his underarms, neck, and forehead as he lost himself to his fears. Raphael was nearly hyperventilating as he plopped himself down on her couch; the leather and wood creaking painfully underneath his massive weight.

"Dammit! Where the fuck are ya?" he growled, rubbing his hand over his forehead to swipe at the beads of sweat that accumulated.

As the minutes slowly ticked by, an idea sprung to his mind and before he could even think of any connotations or questions that would await him later, he dialed his phone again.

"DONNIE!" Raphael screamed as soon as the genius turtle answered with a slurred 'what?'

"Ugh…what is it, Raph? It's too fuckin' early for you to call me…" Donnie replied grouchily and Raphael could practically see the purple-banded turtle rubbing at his eyes from the other end of the line. "Where the hell are you anyway? Patrol go on too long or what?"

"...April never came home." Raphael breathed out, not even caring how absolutely petrified he probably sounded to his genius brother.

"...what the hell are you talkin' about, Raph?" Donnie grumbled and it was blatantly obvious he was still half asleep and in no mood to deal with any of this shit.

"Did ya fuckin' hear me, Don?! I said - April never came home last night!"

"...you mean she wasn't there when you went to fix her dishwasher?"

"No, Don! She left with Casey last night."

"...on a date?" was the puzzled or rather pitied reply.

"NO!" Raphael shouted; genuinely surprised at himself for being so damn angry in response. He swallowed before he continued in a much more calm manner, "No, i-it was jus' a hockey game or somethin'."

"...Okay…So if she didn't come home, so what? Also, what are you still doing there? Are you still fixing it? It shouldn't have taken you that long." Donnie replied sounding slightly more awake but just as salty as always.

"Don't ya give me that! Of course I fuckin' fixed it! B-Besides, that doesn't fuckin' matter, Don! She never came home!" Raph shouted; cheeks heating from anger and frustration and why the hell wasn't Donnie just as worried as him!?

"Raph, she probably just went to a bar with Casey or something. I wouldn't worry about it." Donnie waved him off and Raphael had it.

"April promised, Don!" Raphael bellowed, found himself loudly stomping his foot against her thin carpet without thinking and if the downstairs neighbors hated him already, they really hated him now.

"...Promised what, Raph?" Donnie responded in a sardonic tone - one Raphael was really getting sick of hearing.

"April promised me that she would come home last night - she told me to wait for her here…"

Donnie grew silent for a long time as if quietly mulling over this new information and when the genius didn't make any more complains or sarcastic barbs as if Raph was indeed being irrational, Raph knew the direness of this situation suddenly fell over Donnie as well.

"...she did?" Donatello asked, a breathy concern to his voice was easily detected to Raph's sharp ears.

"Yes." Raph grunted out. If anything, his panic only increased at hearing how utterly concerned Donnie sounded with just those two words.

"That doesn't sound right that she didn't come home then."

"What 'ave I been saying dis whole fuckin'; time, Einstein!?" Raph growled, anger sating his need to panic, the need to rip this city to pieces until he found the beautiful brunette - hopefully safe and sound.

"Calm down, Raph! M-Maybe she just forgot."

"April never forgets and she'd never break a promise!" Raphael reasoned and it indeed was true - April wouldn't be lax about a promise; no one was more loyal or punctual than April.

"..." Donatello was silent. An unspoken worry that echoed between the silence. Very real fear plaguing the tension-filled air surrounding them. "Do you think…?" Donnie finally muttered out; both of their minds going to the prison break and news of Foot Clan activity running rampant throughout the town.

Raphael didn't speak, his heart plummeting in fear of something Leonardo had perpetually warned him about. The steadfast nights he'd been over at April's; watching her house and keeping a constant vigilance. How was he certain no one was watching him?

…if something happened to April because of his recklessness…

"DONNIE! You need to track her phone!" Raphael suddenly bellowed and Donnie yelped at the sudden sound.

"Okay! Okay!" Donatello screamed back and Raphael listened carefully as Donnie's footsteps rang about and the obvious squeaking of the rolling computer chair he sat on.

For long, terse minutes, all Raphael could hear was Donnie's labored breathing, the clack of computer keys and his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. So many scenarios playing in his head; multiple horrifying images of the Foot Clan capturing his beloved April, holding her against her will, torturing her for information about them and knowing April…she'd die before she gave them up.

A lump clogged his throat, a burning sensation in the back of his eyes alarming his heart to a near standstill. Raphael wanted to cry, scream, tear the entire fucking city apart and find those who may have stolen her and rip them limb from limb, rip their insides out through their throat while they're still alive.

If those bastards laid one finger on her…

"Raph?" Donnie's calm voice filled his ears suddenly and he was gratefully flung from those thoughts. Fists loosening from his white-knuckled grasp as he heard the voice of his younger brother.

"What is it, Don?! Where the fuck is she!?" Raphael didn't beat around the bush; bellowing at this point. Utter and complete terror filling his chest and hanging on every one of Donnie's words he had yet to speak. "Just tell me where she is and I'll go get her!" he further demanded.

"Raph." Donnie muttered and he stilled at how utterly calm Donnie seemed, "April's fine." the genius completed.

The utter relief that filled Raphael's chest was sadly short lived when another thought plagued him.

"...what? B-But wait - then where is she!? She should have come home!" Raphael shouted, very well aware of how utterly pathetic and hysterical he sounded.

"Raph - she's fine - that's all you need to know. She's…in familiar territory." Donnie was being annoyingly vague, and damn, it was beyond frustrating.

"...is she at work?" Raph asked hopefully.

"...She's fine." Donnie decided upon his vagueness but Raphael was not going to allow it anymore.

"Don, are you fucking hiding something from me? Where the fuck is April!?"

"..."

"DON!"

"...Raph, i-i-it's nothin!," Don answered with a stutter and that scared him more than anything, "a-and I-I don't necessarily think that information is entirely impervious to this harrowing situation and furthermore - "

"Dammit, Donnie! Stop beating around the fuckin' bush already! Where the fuck is she!? Just TELL me!" Raphael shouted; voice booming into the other end of his cell phone to where Donatello went completely silent at his outburst.

Long moments passed of deafening silence; own heart hammering painfully and if he had expected anything, this certainly wasn't it…

"...she's at Casey's apartment…" Donnie muttered out.

It was as if Raphael's heart suddenly became encased in ice…

"...what?" the words left before he even realized he could form them anymore.

"Hey, I-I bet it's nothing, Raph. Heh. Maybe she just didn't want him to drive back in the snow and decided to crash there." Donnie chuckled but Raphael felt as if he was going to be sick.

April had promised him she'd be back…

She lied…

April never lied to him before…

"Raph? Hey… Raph, maybe this is just a big misundersta-" Donnie's voice was cut off when Raphael suddenly hung up the phone.

[easteregg316]

On Fanfiction and Self-Hate (kinda)

Quick note: I'M NOT AN EXPERT. I'M A TEENAGER THAT JUST LIKES TO TALK. OKAY? OKAY. @markiplier maybe you will read this or maybe you won't idk. 

It's easy for anyone to create a world with a few taps on a keyboard. Within minutes, a story can be written that directly reflects a person's wants, desires, and personality. But when I say personality, I don't mean in the way they describe their character. Cuz generic fanfictions will usually have at least one of the following phrases: 

"I don't think I'm that pretty." 

"How could he ever like me?" 

"I'm a nobody." 

Self-hate, although it has become a rather normal thing to see in these fanfictions, reveals exactly why they may have been written in the first place. 

If you don't think highly of yourself, and you wanted to be told that you are someone great, who else would you want to say it but your favorite celebrity crush? Of course, it's not as easy as calling them up and asking them to compliment you. So instead, many fans will write stories that "satisfy" that want: 

"You're beautiful, you know that?" he said, smiling down at me. 

Reading that sentence to yourself after writing it might make you feel "better". But I'm going to be honest, when I would write that, it would sting a little every time I read it. It was just a reminder that it was fantasy. A lie. And it quickly revealed just how much I cared about what this person thought of me. 

Because some fans are younger and might desperately want to date their favorite celebrity crush, it's very common to see horrid spelling errors and grammatical mistakes in these stories. Even in older fans, it gets to the point where they don't care about mistakes, they just want to write as quickly as possible to lose themselves in a fantasy world where everything is "perfect". 

I'm not gonna lie, I cringe whenever I see or hear badly written fanfictions, especially being someone who loves to write. But there is a person behind every story. Even if they may seem selfish or ridiculous, which they very well can be, it may also be a case of just wanting to rid themselves of insecurities about themselves, and this is the only outlet that seems to work for them. 

I know, I know, insecurities in fanfictions are becoming annoying, but the fact that there's enough stories to make it annoying should be concerning. 

I will say this: I used to write a lot of fanfiction, mostly romantic, and I enjoyed it! But I eventually realized that I didn't necessarily like what I was writing about, I enjoyed writing itself. Which is why I drifted away from that. 

I do read fanfictions from time to time, tending to stick to the more PG ones. I like cutesy stuff, not stuff that makes me feel like I just killed someone for reading it (That stuff disturbs me on a whole other level, but that's a post for another day). But what I don't appreciate the fact that many fans, mostly girls, find it necessary to deal with their problems this way. 

Creating a fake world for your problems is not okay. If anything, it makes coming back to the real world a million times harder, making it nearly impossible to deal with your problems head on. Not only that, but it blinds you to the fact that there are already people that love you--not necessarily some famous guy on the Internet. 

There are many people you can find online that can help you. You might hear that a lot, but it's true. Their job is to help you, and they've trained for years to do so. If anyone can help you, they can. I'm just a girl on the Internet, but feel free to ask me questions and I'll get my best to help you or find someone that can :) 

To conclude: I'm not saying fanfictions are bad. I feel like the word fanfiction has become tainted. 

Fanfictions are just that: Fan fictions. Stories that fans write about celebrities or video games or YouTubers. There are some really awesome ones. But because an overwhelming amount of people have written romantic fanfictions, that's become the face of the genre. 

In my opinion, most romantic fanfictions are meh. When it involves people that are or it's strongly suggested that they're in in a relationship, I think it's cool. But things like Septiplier and even Rhett and Link dating...guys, they're already in very healthy relationships! That's just messed up, man! And when you insert yourself into their Iives...well, that's just weird. 

Don't forget that there will always be someone that wants to help you. :)

Yo! There's a few topics I touched on in this post, but let me know what I should talk about next time! 

Stuff I was thinking: 

-Mature Fanfictions 

-Shipping and Self-Shipping (Stories/Fanart romantically depicting two friends/people or yourself with someone else that isn't your partner) 

-Big YouTubers Trying to Interact With Fans Consistently (mentioned in the story below) 

-Anything else you guys suggest! 

That's technically the end of my rant, but feel free to continue reading. I was bored, okay? 

And now, a Markiplier fanfiction about how I meet Mark at VidCon. (It's 100% clean and it's 0% romantic, but don't read if you don't want. It's long anyway lol. By the way I'm not 18 as the story says.) 

For years, Mark had gone on and on about conventions he was going to, signings he was going to have, and panels he was going to host. And year after year, I found myself only watching from behind a screen, chained to my home by my high-school maturity level. The year arrived, however, when I finally turned 18, and was I allowed to go. 

Upon arriving at the convention center for VidCon, I was instantly overwhelmed by the smell of sweat. I uncomfortably pushed my way through dozens upon dozens of people in various outfits, cosplayers being the most difficult to get around. My phone was ringing like crazy, but my arms were pressed up against my sides, making it impossible to reach into my pocket to retrieve it. It was most likely my mom, calling for the fifth time since this morning to find out where I was and if I was okay. 

I looked up briefly and was able to catch a glance at a nearby clock. It was 12:49....and I totally forgot when Mark's panel started. Panicking, I carefully tried to squeeze my way out of the crowd, which I found out was because of fans spotting Dan and Phil somewhere. 

I successfully sidled past a tall man in sunglasses who looked uncannily like Rhett from Good Mythical Morning and was finally able to breathe comfortably. 

Within five minutes, I heard someone yell, "Rhett! Rhett!" Murmurs turned into shouts behind me, and I didn't even turn around, my teeth clenched. Of course it was Rhett, why wouldn't it be? 

I took the moment to check the panel schedule on my phone. Mark's panel was at 1:00. I looked at my watch. I ran as fast as I could, nearly knocking a girl in a Minecraft t-shirt over. I mumbled an apology before taking off again, barely being able to stop in front of the conference room without slamming into the door. 

I heard applause, and I threw the door open. Mark had barely just gotten on stage, along with Bob, Wade, and Ethan. 

I sighed happily as I stepped inside. A few heads turned when I walked in, but they turned back just as quickly when Mark started to talk. 

"Hey everyone, welcome to Markiplier and Friends 2018!" 

I looked around for a chair, and pulled one up at the back of one of the aisles, plopping down with a huff. 

"So, sorry guys, we can't do selfies, or gifts...we need to be careful with time. I'm really sorry, I wish I could talk to each and every one of you." The audience murmured in disappointment. 

The panel was fun for the first half hour, when the guys did improv, but once the questions started, I began to lose interest. My ears only perked up when someone asked about his thoughts on a game or really deep questions. 

I ignored all the ones that started with, 

"Remember when I..." 

"Why didn't you finish..." 

"Are you ever going to..." 

"When's the next..." 

"You saved me from..." 

I frowned. I felt bad for ignoring the "saved" ones, because they were probably true. Many fans had found hope in Mark's videos, many being helped through their depression or anxiety. But it was obvious that Mark was trying hard to understand what they were going through and wasn't succeeding. "I'm so sorry that happened, but I'm glad I could help in some way," was the automatic answer. It was especially awkward when they began to cry. 

And it wasn't that I thought it was wrong for them to thank him for it, but doing it in front of all these people was extremely odd, especially when they explained their situation in detail. Mark sometimes showed signs of being slightly uncomfortable as well, which would quickly spread to the crowd. He was aware of how his videos helped people, but hearing it over and over unfortunately lessened its value, and it sucked. 

I never had the nerve to go up and ask him a question, mainly because I didn't want to stand in line for that long just to ask him something he would probably forget about in a few days. And if I was going to ask him anything, I wanted it to be something good. 

The panel ended with Ethan doing two backflips, Mark getting three questions about Septiplier and fanfictions, and at least six people asking if he remembered them. 

...He only remembered three of them. 

I was surprised to find myself only waiting for Mark's signing for an hour. I had heard stories of people waiting for like seven hours for these kinds of things. When I turned to look at how many people were behind me, I believed them. 

As I neared the table, I began fumbling with my journal, flipping open to a page with a small sketch of the Markiplier logo where he would sign. Underneath that were several other YouTuber logos in case I saw anyone else. It was VidCon, after all. 

"Next!" I heard security yell. 

I blinked hard as I neared the table. Markiplier was in front of me. I was freaking out. He was there. Would he think I was weird? Would he like how I look? 

He looked up at me, and one thing became painfully obvious: He was exhausted. His eyes were squinting against the lights high above on the ceiling, and there were bags under his eyes. A small smile crept onto his face. His mouth was just barely shaking. He was trying to keep on a happy face for the sake of his community, but he was only human. There was only so much he could do before he would start to shut down. 

"Hi, thanks for coming!" he said, standing up to lean over the table and give me a small hug. I wasn't expecting him to, and I was awkwardly able to wrap my arms around him for a second before he let go and sat back down. 

"Whaddya want me to sign?" he asked, looking around for a marker. I timidly presented my journal to him, and he took it happily. Successfully finding a marker in his lap, he commenced to sign his autograph next to the Markiplier logo on the page. 

"So, what's your name?" he asked, though it was clearly small talk--he would forget in 0.2 seconds. "Oh, u-uh, Esther!" I replied nervously. He smiled and nodded, handing me back the journal. "Awesome to meet you, Esther. Nice sketch, by the way." 

My face burned as I nodded stupidly and pulled out my phone. I clenched my teeth, hating to ask for a picture. "Hey, is it okay if I be generic as hell and take a selfie with you?" I asked. He chuckled softly and nodded. He gave a big smile, one I had seen quite often. He shook my hand one more time before moving on to the next person. I looked at the photo as I moved away. The bags under his eyes were slightly visible, but his smile was much more genuine than I had thought. I glanced behind me to see his interaction with the girl behind me. He smiled the same smile. I began to drift away from the long line and towards the main area with a grin. I couldn’t understand how he was able to be that nice. I really hoped I would bump into him one day. 

I never did. 

But I did continued to enjoy his videos, watch his panels at conventions, and get his autograph on an item or two. And I was totally okay with that.

Not the story you were expecting? Well, most fanfictions are practically impossible. Even this story is stretched. (I mean, who would casually see Rhett in the middle of a crowd?) 

I myself have never gone to a convention where YouTubers have been, but I do want to go one day. This story was kind of a half tease at those really ridiculous stories that would never happen (i.e. bumping into your favorite YouTuber and ending up having a coffee with them) but also a half serious reflection of how I feel about certain topics. If there's anything you were like "WHAT, BLASPHEMY!" feel free to yell at me! I want to hear your thoughts, and I'm expecting to be berated to be honest. 

Anyway, if you read this far, man do you have time on your hands. Drop a note ;) Or don't. 

Thank you for reading, really. <3

[violetsgallant]

Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect

The problem with addiction recovery is this: We have to live our recovery moving forward, but it is more easily understood when we are looking back at it in retrospect.

Which is another way of saying that, for those who do end up relapsing in their recovery journey, they generally never saw it coming. But it is all painfully obvious when they look back at it later on.

So what does this knowledge provide us with, other than pithy wisdom? How can we apply this principle in our daily life to help us to avoid relapse?

Well for starters, realize that you can speak from your experience and give wisdom to other people, because you have lived through something and you know about how it works first hand.

Because of that knowledge, you should realize that other people are doing the same for you. When you go to an AA meeting and someone describes their last relapse and the things that led up to it, you should be taking notes. If you are interested in remaining clean and sober and avoiding relapse then obviously that person has knowledge that is vital to you.

So you start to learn the warning signs of what it looks like when your life is starting to spiral out of control, and you begin to get overwhelmed. And of course we learn about the various ways to reach out for help, how to call your sponsor or go have coffee with your peers in AA or read the recovery literature, but sometimes just knowing about these things is not enough.

And so what really has to happen in order for you to be successful in recovery is this: Not only do you have to learn and identify the coping mechanisms to help you overcome relapse, but you must practice those coping skills each and every day until they become a habit.

So maybe you call your sponsor every Sunday afternoon and chat. Is that good enough? In my opinion it really isn’t. Why not?

Because maybe you will be on the brink of relapse on a Tuesday night at 11PM. And you are used to calling your sponsor only on Sunday afternoons. You know he has a spouse who is probably next to him, and they work in the morning so they are probably winding down for the evening, so wouldn’t it just be so incredibly awkward to call him right now?

And that could be the one critical moment in which you needed a coping strategy that would work for you. Not on Sunday afternoon, as per your routine. But right now. On Tuesday night when it is late and it feels awkward to call just about anyone.

Now let’s compare that to another scenario:

Let’s say that you go to inpatient treatment and you do 28 days of rehab. You meet a group of peers when you are in treatment and you bond quite a bit and you feel a real friendship with many of the people. So you exchange phone numbers and Facebook contact and you agree to follow up with each other and go to local AA or NA meetings together.

Some of the people follow through and some of them disappear; that’s just the way it is typically. But you meet up with a few key “survivors” from your rehab and you start attending AA and you connect via your smartphones all the time. And every morning and every night you shoot a few texts out to this group, or you hit them up via Facebook or social media, and you just check in and see how everyone is doing.

Not only are you connecting with this core group of support, but you are also going to meetings on a regular basis and you are reaching out and communicating every single day of your life.

So now, when you eventually have a serious craving or trigger for your drug of choice, you are already in the habit of reaching out to your support system every single day. It is natural to shoot a text to someone, or to hit them up via messenger, even if happens to be late at night.

The nice thing about this kind of support is that it is really fairly easy to acquire, even if you are very shy or have social anxiety. The major shortcut to all of this is to simply go to rehab. Go check into a 28 day program, and by doing so you will automatically acquire a group of peers who want to see you succeed.

So there is power in daily habits, in practicing these things on a daily basis, so that when you are feeling triggered and you want to relapse there will be help available to you.

I noticed the same effect when I started exercising. I lived through the first 18 months or so of my recovery without any real physical exercise. At some point, at the suggestion of many different people, I started to exercise on a consistent basis.

At first it was a real chore because I wasn’t in good shape at all. But slowly I got into good shape, and finally it became natural and easy for me to work out or to take a nice long jog. And then I was in the habit of doing this every single day, and I noticed that it gave me a tremendous boost of energy when I would work out. Furthermore, I also noticed that I got a lot of emotional stability when I had an intense workout that day–as if the “volume” on all of the drama in my life was suddenly muted. Somehow none of the regular drama and anxiety seemed nearly as important after I had just completed an intense jog or workout. And that effect seemed to last throughout the rest of the day as well.

So what I was really searching for in my early recovery journey were the right habits to form. I was looking for the kind of daily habits and the kind of daily practices that would help to protect me from the threat of relapse. Note that exercise, in my case, has really substituted for another common suggestion that you will hear over and over again, which is to meditate. Nearly everyone who is successful in long term recovery seems to have some form of meditation, relaxation, or reflection built into their daily routine. For me, distance running filled this role and allowed me to get into that mental and emotional “zone” in which I wasn’t deliberately thinking about anything while just letting my mind wander and take in the countryside. Getting into that zone on a regular basis has arguably been one of the keys to success in recovery.

It is up to you to find out what habits and practices work for you. Obviously not everyone is going to jog every day in order to get the meditative benefits of doing so. But there are bound to be alternative ways that you can tap into these lifestyle changes in order to get the outcomes and benefits that you want. Good luck!

The post Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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[alexdmorgan30]

Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect

The problem with addiction recovery is this: We have to live our recovery moving forward, but it is more easily understood when we are looking back at it in retrospect.

Which is another way of saying that, for those who do end up relapsing in their recovery journey, they generally never saw it coming. But it is all painfully obvious when they look back at it later on.

So what does this knowledge provide us with, other than pithy wisdom? How can we apply this principle in our daily life to help us to avoid relapse?

Well for starters, realize that you can speak from your experience and give wisdom to other people, because you have lived through something and you know about how it works first hand.

Because of that knowledge, you should realize that other people are doing the same for you. When you go to an AA meeting and someone describes their last relapse and the things that led up to it, you should be taking notes. If you are interested in remaining clean and sober and avoiding relapse then obviously that person has knowledge that is vital to you.

So you start to learn the warning signs of what it looks like when your life is starting to spiral out of control, and you begin to get overwhelmed. And of course we learn about the various ways to reach out for help, how to call your sponsor or go have coffee with your peers in AA or read the recovery literature, but sometimes just knowing about these things is not enough.

And so what really has to happen in order for you to be successful in recovery is this: Not only do you have to learn and identify the coping mechanisms to help you overcome relapse, but you must practice those coping skills each and every day until they become a habit.

So maybe you call your sponsor every Sunday afternoon and chat. Is that good enough? In my opinion it really isn’t. Why not?

Because maybe you will be on the brink of relapse on a Tuesday night at 11PM. And you are used to calling your sponsor only on Sunday afternoons. You know he has a spouse who is probably next to him, and they work in the morning so they are probably winding down for the evening, so wouldn’t it just be so incredibly awkward to call him right now?

And that could be the one critical moment in which you needed a coping strategy that would work for you. Not on Sunday afternoon, as per your routine. But right now. On Tuesday night when it is late and it feels awkward to call just about anyone.

Now let’s compare that to another scenario:

Let’s say that you go to inpatient treatment and you do 28 days of rehab. You meet a group of peers when you are in treatment and you bond quite a bit and you feel a real friendship with many of the people. So you exchange phone numbers and Facebook contact and you agree to follow up with each other and go to local AA or NA meetings together.

Some of the people follow through and some of them disappear; that’s just the way it is typically. But you meet up with a few key “survivors” from your rehab and you start attending AA and you connect via your smartphones all the time. And every morning and every night you shoot a few texts out to this group, or you hit them up via Facebook or social media, and you just check in and see how everyone is doing.

Not only are you connecting with this core group of support, but you are also going to meetings on a regular basis and you are reaching out and communicating every single day of your life.

So now, when you eventually have a serious craving or trigger for your drug of choice, you are already in the habit of reaching out to your support system every single day. It is natural to shoot a text to someone, or to hit them up via messenger, even if happens to be late at night.

The nice thing about this kind of support is that it is really fairly easy to acquire, even if you are very shy or have social anxiety. The major shortcut to all of this is to simply go to rehab. Go check into a 28 day program, and by doing so you will automatically acquire a group of peers who want to see you succeed.

So there is power in daily habits, in practicing these things on a daily basis, so that when you are feeling triggered and you want to relapse there will be help available to you.

I noticed the same effect when I started exercising. I lived through the first 18 months or so of my recovery without any real physical exercise. At some point, at the suggestion of many different people, I started to exercise on a consistent basis.

At first it was a real chore because I wasn’t in good shape at all. But slowly I got into good shape, and finally it became natural and easy for me to work out or to take a nice long jog. And then I was in the habit of doing this every single day, and I noticed that it gave me a tremendous boost of energy when I would work out. Furthermore, I also noticed that I got a lot of emotional stability when I had an intense workout that day–as if the “volume” on all of the drama in my life was suddenly muted. Somehow none of the regular drama and anxiety seemed nearly as important after I had just completed an intense jog or workout. And that effect seemed to last throughout the rest of the day as well.

So what I was really searching for in my early recovery journey were the right habits to form. I was looking for the kind of daily habits and the kind of daily practices that would help to protect me from the threat of relapse. Note that exercise, in my case, has really substituted for another common suggestion that you will hear over and over again, which is to meditate. Nearly everyone who is successful in long term recovery seems to have some form of meditation, relaxation, or reflection built into their daily routine. For me, distance running filled this role and allowed me to get into that mental and emotional “zone” in which I wasn’t deliberately thinking about anything while just letting my mind wander and take in the countryside. Getting into that zone on a regular basis has arguably been one of the keys to success in recovery.

It is up to you to find out what habits and practices work for you. Obviously not everyone is going to jog every day in order to get the meditative benefits of doing so. But there are bound to be alternative ways that you can tap into these lifestyle changes in order to get the outcomes and benefits that you want. Good luck!

The post Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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[jaylazoey]

Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect

The problem with addiction recovery is this: We have to live our recovery moving forward, but it is more easily understood when we are looking back at it in retrospect.

Which is another way of saying that, for those who do end up relapsing in their recovery journey, they generally never saw it coming. But it is all painfully obvious when they look back at it later on.

So what does this knowledge provide us with, other than pithy wisdom? How can we apply this principle in our daily life to help us to avoid relapse?

Well for starters, realize that you can speak from your experience and give wisdom to other people, because you have lived through something and you know about how it works first hand.

Because of that knowledge, you should realize that other people are doing the same for you. When you go to an AA meeting and someone describes their last relapse and the things that led up to it, you should be taking notes. If you are interested in remaining clean and sober and avoiding relapse then obviously that person has knowledge that is vital to you.

So you start to learn the warning signs of what it looks like when your life is starting to spiral out of control, and you begin to get overwhelmed. And of course we learn about the various ways to reach out for help, how to call your sponsor or go have coffee with your peers in AA or read the recovery literature, but sometimes just knowing about these things is not enough.

And so what really has to happen in order for you to be successful in recovery is this: Not only do you have to learn and identify the coping mechanisms to help you overcome relapse, but you must practice those coping skills each and every day until they become a habit.

So maybe you call your sponsor every Sunday afternoon and chat. Is that good enough? In my opinion it really isn’t. Why not?

Because maybe you will be on the brink of relapse on a Tuesday night at 11PM. And you are used to calling your sponsor only on Sunday afternoons. You know he has a spouse who is probably next to him, and they work in the morning so they are probably winding down for the evening, so wouldn’t it just be so incredibly awkward to call him right now?

And that could be the one critical moment in which you needed a coping strategy that would work for you. Not on Sunday afternoon, as per your routine. But right now. On Tuesday night when it is late and it feels awkward to call just about anyone.

Now let’s compare that to another scenario:

Let’s say that you go to inpatient treatment and you do 28 days of rehab. You meet a group of peers when you are in treatment and you bond quite a bit and you feel a real friendship with many of the people. So you exchange phone numbers and Facebook contact and you agree to follow up with each other and go to local AA or NA meetings together.

Some of the people follow through and some of them disappear; that’s just the way it is typically. But you meet up with a few key “survivors” from your rehab and you start attending AA and you connect via your smartphones all the time. And every morning and every night you shoot a few texts out to this group, or you hit them up via Facebook or social media, and you just check in and see how everyone is doing.

Not only are you connecting with this core group of support, but you are also going to meetings on a regular basis and you are reaching out and communicating every single day of your life.

So now, when you eventually have a serious craving or trigger for your drug of choice, you are already in the habit of reaching out to your support system every single day. It is natural to shoot a text to someone, or to hit them up via messenger, even if happens to be late at night.

The nice thing about this kind of support is that it is really fairly easy to acquire, even if you are very shy or have social anxiety. The major shortcut to all of this is to simply go to rehab. Go check into a 28 day program, and by doing so you will automatically acquire a group of peers who want to see you succeed.

So there is power in daily habits, in practicing these things on a daily basis, so that when you are feeling triggered and you want to relapse there will be help available to you.

I noticed the same effect when I started exercising. I lived through the first 18 months or so of my recovery without any real physical exercise. At some point, at the suggestion of many different people, I started to exercise on a consistent basis.

At first it was a real chore because I wasn’t in good shape at all. But slowly I got into good shape, and finally it became natural and easy for me to work out or to take a nice long jog. And then I was in the habit of doing this every single day, and I noticed that it gave me a tremendous boost of energy when I would work out. Furthermore, I also noticed that I got a lot of emotional stability when I had an intense workout that day–as if the “volume” on all of the drama in my life was suddenly muted. Somehow none of the regular drama and anxiety seemed nearly as important after I had just completed an intense jog or workout. And that effect seemed to last throughout the rest of the day as well.

So what I was really searching for in my early recovery journey were the right habits to form. I was looking for the kind of daily habits and the kind of daily practices that would help to protect me from the threat of relapse. Note that exercise, in my case, has really substituted for another common suggestion that you will hear over and over again, which is to meditate. Nearly everyone who is successful in long term recovery seems to have some form of meditation, relaxation, or reflection built into their daily routine. For me, distance running filled this role and allowed me to get into that mental and emotional “zone” in which I wasn’t deliberately thinking about anything while just letting my mind wander and take in the countryside. Getting into that zone on a regular basis has arguably been one of the keys to success in recovery.

It is up to you to find out what habits and practices work for you. Obviously not everyone is going to jog every day in order to get the meditative benefits of doing so. But there are bound to be alternative ways that you can tap into these lifestyle changes in order to get the outcomes and benefits that you want. Good luck!

The post Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect

The problem with addiction recovery is this: We have to live our recovery moving forward, but it is more easily understood when we are looking back at it in retrospect.

Which is another way of saying that, for those who do end up relapsing in their recovery journey, they generally never saw it coming. But it is all painfully obvious when they look back at it later on.

So what does this knowledge provide us with, other than pithy wisdom? How can we apply this principle in our daily life to help us to avoid relapse?

Well for starters, realize that you can speak from your experience and give wisdom to other people, because you have lived through something and you know about how it works first hand.

Because of that knowledge, you should realize that other people are doing the same for you. When you go to an AA meeting and someone describes their last relapse and the things that led up to it, you should be taking notes. If you are interested in remaining clean and sober and avoiding relapse then obviously that person has knowledge that is vital to you.

So you start to learn the warning signs of what it looks like when your life is starting to spiral out of control, and you begin to get overwhelmed. And of course we learn about the various ways to reach out for help, how to call your sponsor or go have coffee with your peers in AA or read the recovery literature, but sometimes just knowing about these things is not enough.

And so what really has to happen in order for you to be successful in recovery is this: Not only do you have to learn and identify the coping mechanisms to help you overcome relapse, but you must practice those coping skills each and every day until they become a habit.

So maybe you call your sponsor every Sunday afternoon and chat. Is that good enough? In my opinion it really isn’t. Why not?

Because maybe you will be on the brink of relapse on a Tuesday night at 11PM. And you are used to calling your sponsor only on Sunday afternoons. You know he has a spouse who is probably next to him, and they work in the morning so they are probably winding down for the evening, so wouldn’t it just be so incredibly awkward to call him right now?

And that could be the one critical moment in which you needed a coping strategy that would work for you. Not on Sunday afternoon, as per your routine. But right now. On Tuesday night when it is late and it feels awkward to call just about anyone.

Now let’s compare that to another scenario:

Let’s say that you go to inpatient treatment and you do 28 days of rehab. You meet a group of peers when you are in treatment and you bond quite a bit and you feel a real friendship with many of the people. So you exchange phone numbers and Facebook contact and you agree to follow up with each other and go to local AA or NA meetings together.

Some of the people follow through and some of them disappear; that’s just the way it is typically. But you meet up with a few key “survivors” from your rehab and you start attending AA and you connect via your smartphones all the time. And every morning and every night you shoot a few texts out to this group, or you hit them up via Facebook or social media, and you just check in and see how everyone is doing.

Not only are you connecting with this core group of support, but you are also going to meetings on a regular basis and you are reaching out and communicating every single day of your life.

So now, when you eventually have a serious craving or trigger for your drug of choice, you are already in the habit of reaching out to your support system every single day. It is natural to shoot a text to someone, or to hit them up via messenger, even if happens to be late at night.

The nice thing about this kind of support is that it is really fairly easy to acquire, even if you are very shy or have social anxiety. The major shortcut to all of this is to simply go to rehab. Go check into a 28 day program, and by doing so you will automatically acquire a group of peers who want to see you succeed.

So there is power in daily habits, in practicing these things on a daily basis, so that when you are feeling triggered and you want to relapse there will be help available to you.

I noticed the same effect when I started exercising. I lived through the first 18 months or so of my recovery without any real physical exercise. At some point, at the suggestion of many different people, I started to exercise on a consistent basis.

At first it was a real chore because I wasn’t in good shape at all. But slowly I got into good shape, and finally it became natural and easy for me to work out or to take a nice long jog. And then I was in the habit of doing this every single day, and I noticed that it gave me a tremendous boost of energy when I would work out. Furthermore, I also noticed that I got a lot of emotional stability when I had an intense workout that day–as if the “volume” on all of the drama in my life was suddenly muted. Somehow none of the regular drama and anxiety seemed nearly as important after I had just completed an intense jog or workout. And that effect seemed to last throughout the rest of the day as well.

So what I was really searching for in my early recovery journey were the right habits to form. I was looking for the kind of daily habits and the kind of daily practices that would help to protect me from the threat of relapse. Note that exercise, in my case, has really substituted for another common suggestion that you will hear over and over again, which is to meditate. Nearly everyone who is successful in long term recovery seems to have some form of meditation, relaxation, or reflection built into their daily routine. For me, distance running filled this role and allowed me to get into that mental and emotional “zone” in which I wasn’t deliberately thinking about anything while just letting my mind wander and take in the countryside. Getting into that zone on a regular basis has arguably been one of the keys to success in recovery.

It is up to you to find out what habits and practices work for you. Obviously not everyone is going to jog every day in order to get the meditative benefits of doing so. But there are bound to be alternative ways that you can tap into these lifestyle changes in order to get the outcomes and benefits that you want. Good luck!

The post Addiction Relapse is Crystal Clear in Retrospect appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.