#also tbh when i started writing this it wasnt meant to be so big

[born-in-hell]

This ending felt kind of frustrating. Dont get me wrong, really liked watching it. But it just felt... too much? And too little at the same time. There were just so many plot points that went unexplained and brushed over, while new mysteries were introduced. It felt like a cliffhanger for a cliffhanger's sake. There was no satisfying ending to Purgatory bc there was no ending. Literally, it didnt end. They announced pt.2 with other people.

And Purgatory was a plot that interrupted MANY other ones. Just so u guys get the picture im listing some of them:

rebellion (etoiles and fit),

soul vultures & grim reaper (bbh),

presidency & nether comeback (forever),

cell's comeback (cellbit, bagi, pac and mike),

fed infiltration (foolish),

past lives (cellbit & bagi/bagh/pierre/fit)

Here's also a list of all the unanswered questions and lost plot points i could think of, regarding all of the qsmp:

Who was the cursed team? The eye didn't mention it once during the ending.

Who is the Eye?

What the organization behind Purgatory is? Was it only 1 entity?

Still no answers abt what is the federation besides the worker hierarchy and that there is something stronger than it.

Still no answers abt Arin or the computers

What did qforever achieve by going to the nether? Was it all for nothing?

What was the Judas book? Was it related to Purgatory?

How did qPac get out of the Nether to go to Purgatory??

What were and what was the purpose of the Mini-mes?

Elquackity. Just Elquackity.

Antoine????????????

What does comic bbh recieved mean?

What does the egg story the islanders got on the maze mean??

What are the eggs?

Why were the islanders and eggs kidnapped by the Eye?

Why are they cracking? What are those cracks?

Why was the fed conducting hybrid child experiments?

What was the eye's intention? Why did they want to prove the islanders were bad people so much?

What does that radio convo they listened to on the maze mean? Who were the ppl talking?

Black cucurucho/evil cucurucho/baribal. How does he fit in the purgatory arc? What is it?

Why did the fed send qWilbur away to do shows?

What is the black substance?

What did they do to quackity? Why quackity?

Why was qmax told to build a nuke, how did he carry it into purgatory and why did he set it off on egg island?

What was the island b4 the current events? Where did the people that lived there go?

Why did qbagi's and qcell's parents live on quesadilla island? What were they doing there?

What did qCellbit discover that made the feds send him away?

What happened to Sofia?

Why did that guy tell qMax to build Sofia?

How did dan and spreen die?

What is Project AB?

Why was Dappers hat on the puzzle b4 the dice game?

Why was the first game directed to qBBH? Why was everyone else just tp'd?

What did the "Humans believe in god because they dont have answers. You are inteligent" line Cucurucho said to qBBH mean?

What did they do to qFelps when he was kidnapped??

What did the Fed do to qCellbit while he was infiltrated?

Is the rollback implied by qForever's insanity cutscenes canon? Or were they dreams/hallucinations?

Who is the rebellion and what are their goals and motives??

Why were they targeting the eggs?

What are the codes?

What is Codeflippa, who is she affiliated to?

Who is the Special Guest and why did the Fed buy muffins by their request?

Who is the Duck?

Who is the Host?

What did the egg's Purgatory messages mean?

Why were they first kidnapped?

Why did Elq kidnap Dapper?

The Angelic Cucurucho??

There's certainly more, but these were the ones i remembered. Also, yes, there are theories, implications and semi-confirmations for a lot of these. But no clear direct answer. Just fan work.

There's so much going on. While the regret arc was happening, the mysteries were simpler and the stakes were a lot smaller. We had the fed, the eggs, the island and the codes. That was it. The main goal was to get off the island but now. It ended in a satisfing way bc it was a linear tale that followed naturally and wasnt too long.

Happy pills was also a satisfying arc bc it ended clearly. We got the payoff we needed from it.

With the eggs disappearence arc, we've been suffering for too long. Theres always a new clue. We are always so close but too far. When we think we'll get an answer and a conclusion, we just don't. For the story to have felt complete we needed answers. What we didn't need was a cliffhanger. Another one.

[choisunjaeisactuallymine]

Hey, can you write a headcanon about the trio(dowan,eunsung and sunjae) together, please❤️.

RQ Trio in a poly relationship with reader

Uhh i wasnt sure if you meant together like three povs in one headcanon or like a poly relationship, so I'll just combine that :3

btw sorry for the late reply, had this sitting in my drafts for a while

Choi Sunjae

He's the one that suggests a poly because both of you guys have wandering eyes tbh

After you guys all get together, he definitely dotes on you the most as a way of asserting his dominance around the two other guys

I think he does have the most money, and spoils you lavishly. Your alone dates consist of candle-lit dinners and shopping sprees. Sometimes whisks you off to another country without telling the others, he and Eunsung fight it out while Dowan fusses over you.

When he picks group dates, he makes you guys go to amusement parks together (duh) and idk why but he would also take you guys to one of those fancy winter cabins with hot springs.

Very careless. Lost both you and Dowan multiple times due to his bad habit of wandering around. Cannot lose Eusung. That would be the other way around.

Confidence MAX. Will make dirty jokes and will definitely slap your ass. Does it in front of everyone else and makes a big show of it.

Also just as something extra: his hair is dead. So dead. Teach him how to use conditioner. Takes the least time showering out of everyone.

Loves it when you make him food. Likes it even better if you bake. Maybe you guys can make cookies together while you scream at him for making a mess. He likes you when you're feisty

Doesn't know how to do laundry. Also his room is really messy. Plays games until 2 in the morning and you don't know how he still looks so good. Sometimes has you sleep in his lap while the other two are stressing over where you went for the past 3 hours.

His stereotype: making you wear outfits that he picks for you and carrying all your shopping bags like trophies

Han Eunsung

Second person to get roped into this mess

Sunjae caught you checking him out and he was like, why tf not (my bi king)

At first Eunsung was a little hesitant to show affection to the both of you, but he eventually eases into it and becomes the mom of the group :3

Eunsung gives me home-maker vibes, so I think he would cook you a nice meal and maybe take you on small picnics as a date.

Absolutely holds grudges towards everyone but you. If he's beefing with Sunjae he'll start begging you for attention by constantly clinging to you and nudging his head against every part of your body. You don't throw him off like you do with Sunjae cause Eunsung is babie, and that kind of pisses Sunjae off lol.

You do his tie for formal events and pretend like you guys are one of those film couples. Vows he'll make your future exactly like the movies and goes to kiss you before you guys get interrupted by Sunjae. As a heads up, EVERY moment where you and Eunsung set the mood will get ruined by Sunjae.

When he picks group dates, I think he'd want something relaxing and peaceful. Most fond of stay-home dates, but if you were to make him pick somewhere outside it would be a beach date. Refuses to wear swimming trunks by itself.

His stereotype: Classic classy couple look. Unabashedly wearing your pink fluffy purse without question when you ask him to hold it.

Ha Dowan

Third person (and second person to get roped into this by Sunjae)

Second darling in the group after you

Sunjae caught Dowan this time (thank goodness) staring too intensely at your chest, and since he saw you and Eunsung also sharing his interest, you guys gained a new member

Puppy all the way. Is kind of scared of both Eunsung and Sunjae, so he sticks behind you all the time. He's your baby

Too scared to ask for physical affection, so Sunjae teases him and tells everyone else by yelling it out loud in the living room. Max cuddles afterwards

Such a polite guy, doesn't know where to look when all of you guys go out to the gym together. I headcanon him as a titties guy, so better get those soaked tanks in

Doesn't have a preference and never picks your separate/group dates. Follows you around anywhere you want to go, but he doesn't mind checking out the aquarium or local fair. Especially likes it when you feed him carnival treats, he secretly likes showing you off

Talk to him if you want someone who actually comforts you. The moment you're upset, Sunjae will immediately be gone to murder the man, and Eunsung will give you a kiss on the forehead before following Sunjae to murder that man. Dowan will stay and hold you when you cry. Give him a reward later

His stereotype: literally thinks you're the most perfect person ever. Super gullible and always falls prey to your tiktok pranks because he doesn't want to think of the possibility of you not loving him

[youve-doomed-us-all-jerk]

and finished it ,got dat true ending yes def had a great time on the game 8/10 (but yeah performance def docked some points as well as some writing threads that felt kinda dropped, but am trying to in good faith piece it together in me mind so just gonna ramble spoilers under the cut:

when people said this is what they wanted the original DD to be i can see that but like i feel like the lead up to the game kept hearing people who know more about the originals history talk about how "40-60% of the original vision was cut down" from dd1 and i feel like my brain unfortunately interpreted that as "oh cool so were gonna have 100 new vocations like the monk and 100 monsters and the parallel worlds(technically true☝🏽🤓) and the moon stuff, neat" thats on me lmao but yeah removing those expectations and seeing it for what it is, its def the spirit of the the first game but its systems deeper and more fleshed out not good at all the techny terms but im not very into or good at action games but this one made me want to be cuz the combat was fun haha hmm writing wise there was a point where i felt like everything just suddenly got dropped once the godbane stuff started happening and youre suddenly barreling to the ending while everything else just wasnt important anymore lmao, but trying to interpret the story as a story the pathfinder is weaving, i think its meant to feel like that cuz we see the pathfinder essentially write us out of problems, give us a griffin to escape slavery, gives us a clue to where were supposed to go and the big one he like straight up changes ambrosius mind about giving us the godsbane when it wouldnt make sense for him too, the old man by harve even alludes to this by saying the real world is much messier when hes telling you about how fake everything is, like the watcher said everyone there is there to play a part in a tale hes laid out and i think he wanted to get to the ending faster. It's definitely another layer they added from the first games cycle, but do wish if that is what theyre going for(and if im not delusional lmao) that they did more like the ambrosius thing just watching as he ass pulls us out of dead ends making us feel what rothais felt when he realized all his feats and hardships didnt matter, also just would have liked more sidequests with fun characters lmao.

Also did enjoy the endings of the 3 major peoples in the unmoored world and felt like their side quests really fleshed them out and led them there to their endings well,mostly, very cool idea to bring it all together like that. elves wanted to stay isolated but they needed outside influence to break tradition, to save their tree and how it all built to them agreeing to seek refuge with the other races rather than die with their way of life. Ironic that disa was half right about sven needing to inherit the throne but ofc she was also half wrong cuz she a tyrant and wants him to have it mainly cuz of blood, but he deserves it cuz his sidequests were about him getting to know the common folk and becoming self assured lmao battahl tbh full disclosure i messed up the queen nadias sidequest to the rose chateau, tried to scare the dick head shopkeeper into giving me the medicine for the beastren and got arrested so idk how that one ends(will find out in NG+ lmao) but based on the ones i did do, it seems like the nations whole thing was about always being in conflict with each other and how the unmoored quests there are about making people put there differences aside and band together, including the arisen teaming with phaesus. Also like the irony of their view on pawns being right at first but by the end of the game they end up being wrong. but yeah do feel like they didnt get into that more, along with what the lambent flame is? (googled that there was lore texts you can find that explain how an earlier emperor is deceiving the people about it and what it really does) they also dont go into the fact vermund was a nation of beastren, started by a beastren and then history was wiped?? and how theres vermundians fear of beastren and human children always look like beastren and yet wilhelmina is a direct contradiction of this?? that seemed like a really juicy plot point but they didnt really do anything with it. and lastly idek where to start with the pawn and arisen ending, found out theres slight differences in the affinity ending (got the high affinity one cuz reds my my gurl i always revive run straight to her to revive her🤗) but watching them talk about how happy they are to have their own will while saying theyd still do anything for you filled me with something, dont even know what but was crazy.

oh also before i forget another way its in the spirit of the first game for me is just like in the original i also forgot to talk to the person i was romancing and giving them flowers before the endings and got diff people appearing there just like my first playthru of the dd1 lmfao( got manela with grigori and sara in the true ending, was going for ulrika this playthru lmfao) def gonna NG+, maybe do a magic archer and get the stuff i missed and try and get the other endings. Also hoping for another expansion/dlc like they did with dd1 down the line with more vocations and monsters.

[slowdripsunrise]

what i love about this blog is that i have no followers so i can say whatever i want. i think i need new experiences i didnt mean it in like a touch grass kind of way i meant it in a i think i have a craving to step into other people's lives and experience what they experience no matter what it is to fill some sort of void inside me. anyways i finished Big Swiss by Jen Beagin! review and spoilers under the cut

ok i started this. ages ago. so i dont remember the first half of the book much i said i liked it up there but honestly idk if thats true lol. i guess it was fine? iiiiiiiidk. well the second half of the book was good! chew be honest i only really started caring about the characters in like the last 100 or so pages. my favorite parts were reading about piñon and also the donkeys. it made me happy that greta found some peace at the end of the story; honestly i did not give a shit about her and big swiss' relationship at all like it was fine and just a part of the story to me. like i did not feel sad that they didnt end up together and i dont think i would have been that excited if they had. oh i also liked reading about the bees. the various creatures and critters that live in greta and sabine's house were the most fun. but yeah i really just didnt see the chemistry between them? idk maybe it was the writing style but it very much was tell over show with the declarations of love and stuff. i never really thought that big swiss cared all that much about greta besides her talking about how she cared about greta. idk. i think tbh i was overhyped for this which is unfortunate because i wanted to like it a lot. i've heard about it being so incredibly hilarious laugh out loud funny and i was so ready for that but i just didnt :(((( idk. sort of related i read half this book (almost exactly i think) maybe. a month ago? and just finished it today. and i've found that i think i didnt care about the characters as much because i read it so far apart from each other? but then other times i'll read a book in one sitting and Also not care about the characters or story, like i get so wrapped up in this one little bubble of time and world and book that once i stop reading the bubble is popped and it doesnt affect me any more. i think the last book to Really make me feel was Our Wives Under the Sea that book is fucking awesome. anyways ive been thinking about this recently how i dont really seem to enjoy books as much as i did when i was younger, like middle school high school even elementary age. and i dont know if the books are bad, the books dont have enough joy and whimsy, or the problem is me, that I dont have enough joy and whimsy in my heart to really sink into a book. and of course its part of growing up, and the way i read was bound to change, but it makes me a bit sad? that i don't become absolutely violent ill obsessive possessed over a book like i used to. like. is it the depression that i probably have? is it the anxiety meds that i've been taking that i don't even really think do anything since they're treating a misdiagnosis? am i just a changed individual that especially after the pandemic has become hardened and uncaring? <- thats not true i cry over webweaves and fanfic all the time. idk maybe i just need to pick better books. but i think im gonna try a theory cuz when i was a kid i mostly read chapter by chapter a couple a day. and now its more. read a shit ton until i get bored then forget about it for a month. so i think im gonna try and pace myself with my next book (still dont know what that is yet lol) and see how it goes. anyways back to big swiss i did like it i was entertained it wasnt mindblowing or anything. a book about normal people doing bad things. cool

i did not take any suggestions from tiktok !! however i am about halfway through Big Swiss by Jen Beagin and its. well its interesting i definitely like it !!! but its very hm. yaknow. i really hope i get some fucking reading done soon like i need to keep finishing books so i can read more books so i can finish them and on and on and on. i think i need new experiences.

[finagled]

absent but busy

life never seems to slow down to let me catch my breath, so ive been busy trying to keep things going!

this has been a hellish year but also a spectacular one in so many ways. my dad’s death has shattered me tbh, im just not the same person i was before he left and life will never ever be the same with him gone. as somebody who already struggles with identity issues, i had a real hard time knowing how in the world i was supposed to keep going without his input and support. he always saw right through me and could point out things about me i wasnt even aware of yet, but he was always spot on, too. bouncing my ideas off of him is how i learned to human. im coming to realize i loved to succeed and experience so i could tell him and listen to how he loved to hear about it. with him gone, ive felt a sense of emptiness with everything.

im trying to hold on to what he’s taught me. he gave me so many lessons on how to be a person, a good person. he played devils advocate so id learn how to fight for what i knew to be true, and to reevaluate my stance if i couldn’t. he taught me how to treat other people, how every stranger deserves kindness. he taught me that you can be wrong, and that sometimes being wrong is a beautiful thing, because then you learn what’s right. he taught me nothing is worth sacrificing your morals.

the answer to where to find this person now is that now, i have to be this person. the only way for those things about him to live on is if i perpetuate them in my own life. im trying so hard to do this. its not going easy. im told over and over again that im smart, that i work hard, that im good with people, and yet my success has not materialized no matter what i’ve done to secure it. i think, if i just had mental health care and meds, if i could just see a doctor, then id be so great. but i can’t think like that. whether that’s true or not and that’s the only thing in the way between me and living like i feel like im meant to, it doesn’t matter. trying to get government assistance, at least in this state, feels impossible. i dont have the energy to keep hoping they’re going to help. im frustrated to come to the conclusion that i am going to have to metaphorically “pick myself up by the bootstraps” and find a way to push forward in the meantime.

i know im intelligent and have skills that can genuinely and directly help people, because ive done it before. its taken a really long time to have confidence in myself about anything. but i need to start, and then do something with it, because im wasting time waiting for help to arrive.

this is a big ol ramble but it feels good to have the energy to write stuff up. vari and i have been working real hard this past year trying to get the house and our lives set up in a way that will set us both up for success. we’re slowly getting a handle on chores and bills, and our mental health is improving. im slowly pulling all the tangled yarn apart in my brain and getting things sorted.

they took me off adderall and onto strattera, which i actually dont mind. ive heard the medication can precipitate manic episodes in bipolar individuals though, so i wonder if i like it because of that. im depressed so often and its been so long since hypomania, that i really done mind when i wake up with the excess energy and vigor. it doesnt feel extreme like hypomania, more like just having gusto for the day. ill have to keep an eye on it more since its only been about three weeks, but im grateful i havent lost much progress from getting off adderall. the side effects aren’t nearly as powerful either, which is nice.

so im trying. i have too many people i should be getting back to with messages so if youre one of them, im sorry. theres a million things going on and only so much energy each day, but ive drawn up some routines that i hope will encourage me to do more stuff throughout the day other than just chores and sims ;)

thanks to anyone for reading :3

[tillxthexearthxstartsxtoxcrumble]

~Tfatws spoilers~

I just wanna talk about Captain America for a minute. All three that we've seen on film. Steve, John, and Sam. (Also, I am saying right now that I am a white person so I have never experienced racism and will probably not even come close to sharing how much power this show holds) .....not gonna be mentioning Isaiah's story in this post because I dont need to cry while writing this. And I, as a white person, dont wanna be disrespectful to his story and how much it means and the emotion it holds.

I'm gonna start with John cause he means the least to me but I still definitely feel the need to mention him. I'll get into the symbolism he has in his suit and just everything later but first I'm gonna talk about his character. I actually like his character now, and I originally hated him as almost everyone else did (I would like to just say I'm not one of the fans harassing Wyatt Russell, hes a very talented ACTOR dont hate on him) but then they completely changed my mind. Hell no is he worthy of being Captain America, but he's not a bad man. He hated what he did and that he got celebrated for it in that war, he cared a lot about Lemar and wanted to give Lemar's parents peace in thinking he got him justice and then when revenge was right in front of him, he turned away from it to try and save those people. He seemed to respect Sam and that's big to me with how the last episode started tbh. He saw he wasnt meant to be Cap. I dont think where he's headed next is gonna exactly be the look of a hero (probably anti hero, maybe villain but I doubt it tbh) and I'm so excited to see what they do with him. Now to his symbolism- starting with the suit. There was little to no white on the suit, which that's meant to stand for purity and innocence. He mainly had blue, which stands for vigilance, perseverance, and justice. There was a little bit of red which represents hardiness and valor ("great courage in the face of danger, especially in battle.") Steve's suit, was mainly Blue and white. Sam's is basically all white but with the other two colors having the same amount as each other. John is meant to be similar but also opposite of Steve, the one who is the perfect soldier more so than a good man. A man who's always had power.

Then there's Steve. Maybe my favorite character but that will be decided later. I'm not gonna talk about how mad at his story ending I am because that will make this a billion times longer than it already is. His story starts out with him being chosen to be a hero because he was a good person. He represented hope for many people. He saved so many, and was willing to sacrafice himself to save almost anyone. He gave up the shield for Bucky, his best friend, multiple times. He was my favorite for almost exactly two years. Because before Endgame I actually got into Marvel and binged all MCU films (well, almost all) and just from his first movie he was my favorite. His morals, what he fought for, why he became Captain America. He means a lot to me in so many ways and honestly is who I think of first with Marvel but that's coming to a change quickly. I cant explain very well just how much I loved his character but I just did. I'll go more into him later on but I wanna get to the bigger part of this, the one who makes me extremely emotional. (Not that Steve doesnt but still)

Sam. He, his probably my favorite MCU character. He means so much to me and I'm not even a person of color. He fought for everyone. In just one episode. He told Isaiah's story, he didnt let Karli die in vain, and he held up his promise and cleared Sharon's name. He SO deserves to be captain america and the title change at the end of the show is just the best thing I could think of. He helped Bucky figure out what to do next, he listened to all their stories and tried to help them all and succeeded. He, a black man, is now the face of America. He trained, and he fought to make sure he was worthy of that shield and as someone who that shield does actually mean a lot to, it makes me so emotional to see that. I dont know why, but every time I watch that episode (mightve watched it three or four times already what about it) I get so emotional whenever hes on screen or mentioned as being captain America. I get so proud and happy knowing that. I almost cry every single damn time. He got to save his home, and save so many people who he cares about. I'm getting really tired cause it's getting late for me so I'm gonna end this here (might continue this tomorrow/today) but that's just a little bit of my rant. Idk if anyone cares about it but I just had to talk about it.

[minejiro]

hi, tee <3 this is a moot who's a little to shy to ask you this off anon, but how did you come up with the courage to archive your blog after 8 months? i've been planning to move for a couple of weeks now, and i have a new account set up and everything, but i feel conflicted about leaving my 10 month old account.

i'm about to reach 2k, which is something that holds me back; i'm not planning to delete anything or change aliases, but i just feel like it's really difficult to let go, even though i'm not making an intense move. thank you for listening to me ramble <3

hi bby omg im about to spill my whole tumblr experience to you LMAO jvhufdbv but maybe itll put things into perspective for you and youll be able to tell if its something that you still want to do or not !!

so im just gonna be transparent here, i had 14k ppl on mine when i left and that was kind of hard to leave no matter what anyone says. ofc its always about the writing first and foremost, but i built so many anons and inside jokes and interactions and i had a name for myself and stuff, and thats definitely hard to let go of bc i built that up you know ?? but then i looked at it in a more narrowed view than a "bigger picture" view and it was a matter of am i happy on here anymore ??

no

now thats partly bc i was just drained of writing hq in general, but even when i was happy to write for hq, the blog just got tiring. that blog made me happy and i was proud of it, so i was attached, but at the end of the day being that big was also draining me more than i realized bc i was dealing with ppl being pushy or expectant, or rly rude comments to rly hateful ones, and i felt like the interactions themselves werent as genuine anymore as they used to be. ppl brought up things about the blog itself, its stats, how my writing wasnt what it used to be, how i was just doing things that were "popular" to get notes, etc instead of what it was about — haikyuu

so i took a leap and kind of started a new fandom (tokrev) and that was my excuse to start a new blog from the ground up and it seemed less scary bc it didnt seem like i was starting over per say, i was just adding something new, but it still needed to built up again

and then thats what changed my worries tbh bc once i started my tokrev blog and i posted and built interactions, i realized it wasnt as awful as id been telling myself it would be you know ?? the interactions slowly built, my work was being read and slowly gaining more interaction, and overall my blog was just being built up and i realized that building a blog back up not only wasnt as awful as i thought it would be. it also gave me a chance to redo things better and take what ive learned from the last one to set better boundaries for my followers and myself. and also, it helped running a blog be fun again bc as ive said before, my blog in its smaller days was a lot more fun bc ppl talked to me bc i was just me, not tee whos in the top tags all the time (im sry hfbehfb that might sound kinda bad and maybe a little conceited but i mean that in the least self absorbed way bc in all honesty the size of my blog was rly what a lot of my asks and even some moot interactions were centered around anymore)

in the end, the followers you built up will come again bby they will, trust me i was sad about seeing all my hard work be "left behind" too but the restart is so refreshing and it gives u a chance to organize and set up everything to make this an even safer space for you. if you stick it out for a bit, youll start to get rly excited about the growth and progress you made, and the last blog wont be on your mind as much because youll want to start pouring more into building the new one, and i think thats the part that made me take the full leap and just drop hq blog all together

i was actually gonna deactivate that blog if im being honest, but there some extremely touching asks that made me rethink bc i didnt think my writing meant that much to ppl, so ive left it as an archive, and i think thats honestly the best thing i can do at this point, just leave it to be appreciated for what it is instead of trying to make it fun again and drain myself more

oferfirhgb this was so long im so sorry LMAO but idk i hope that maybe helped a little bit sobsobsob

feel free to dm me if you wanna talk about this !! dont be shy omg i love all my moots <3 even if we dont get a chance to interact as much

[91daze]

The fluffiest Frate headcanons you can write 🅱️lease i’m desperate (Also more Volpe i’m begging you) tysm 😭

wowee!! third request!! (technically fourth request if u count volpe)

like with the angelo req, i wasnt sure if u meant individual fluff headcanons or relationship fluff headcanons, so i did the liberty of doing both. this is also the first part to this request (volpe’s must be done in a seperate post because of how long this one is). enjoy~

this has a bit of angst sprinkled in. frate’s an angst magnet tbh

( frate vanetti - fluff headcanons. )

( individual. )

vincent’s been a distant father to him ever since he was a kid, so personally, i think frate’s a big mama’s boy.

he and nero used to fight a lot for connie vanetti’s attention—usually nero would do a magic trick and frate would counter with all the lessons he had learned lately with his tutor (unlike vincent though, connie never played favorites with her children; she loved to say that she was equally proud of all of them. vincent would reprimand her on being “too soft” on them, but she never stopped).

even though nero and frate had their fair share of squabbles even as children, frate had always idolized his brother. nero’s just so cool! so strong! so smart! at some point, young frate had even stated that he wanted to be like his big brother when he grew up (which all went to shit at some point, but because these are fluff headcanons, we’ll be saving this story for another time).

unlike with nero, frate’s bond with fio never broke; it had been her who took care of him post-connie’s death, and she never really stopped looking after him (which, as we all know, lead to the death of ronald). he will never admit it, but he’s always been attached to fio and truly wished the best for her (which is partly why he wanted her to marry ronald; he believed he was the best for her).

he was actually a sucker for hugs; it had been ages since he’d received one. he secretly believed nero gave the nicest hugs, though he never admitted that.

as a child, frate was a HUGE bookworm. connie had these old, battered storybooks of italian fairytales and legends and she read them to them at bedtime. soon enough, he was able to read them on his own (but when she was healthy, connie still insisted on reading to him before bed). eventually, though, the roles reversed and he was the one reading the stories to her, when her health was waning and she had to be confined in bed. the storybooks remained in his possession after her death, and he kept them tucked away behind his dusty encyclopedias in his bookshelf. he hardly ever brought them out because he was afraid he would get ridiculed (mostly by ronald), but everytime he needed to relieve stress, he turned to those books.

in addition to those books, frate had a soft white plush rabbit, similar to the velveteen rabbit. he had it ever since he was a baby and clutched at it until he reached his teens. however, he never disposed of it and kept it away, again, in his shelf.

he was actually an avid daydreamer. his imagination, as a child, was vast, and he usually had fantasies of becoming a valiant knight (like big brother nero and big brother vanno!) or being the prince of his own castle. he started to dismiss these thoughts once he grew older, though there had been moments where he caught himself daydreaming; not his childhood dreams of wanting to be a knight or a prince, but instead, dreams of a simpler time, when connie was still alive and his relationship with nero wasn’t so strained…

( relationship. )

out of all of the characters, i’d say frate is one of the most touch-starved. his family wasn’t exactly the most affectionate when the situations changed (except fio, though once she got married, he saw less and less of her), and no matter how much he admired ronald, he wasn’t exactly a warm and caring man. so show him your affection (gradually though, as he would be guarded towards it at first) and he’d eventually melt into it.

no matter how arrogant he tries to present himself at first, he’s weak to all kinds of flirting and affection. give him a kiss and he’s putty in your hands.

he’s kinda insecure about his freckles (he thinks they make him look too childish), so any compliments about them or affection doted on them make him go weak in the knees.

he actually loves showing affection to his partner. he won’t be outright with it, but there will be moments where he’ll just slip his arms around you or sneak in a kiss.

he equally loves receiving affection too; in public, he won’t be as susceptible to it (or so he likes to pretend), but he’s pretty open to it in private. he especially loves kisses or laying his head on his partner’s lap, so take note of that too!

despite not being as open to affection in public, he’s not opposed to pda. not the overboard, mushy kind, but the subtle kind where he’d sneak a kiss on your cheek or intertwine your fingers together. it’s both a discreet way of showing his love for you and a way of showing others that yes, you’re taken, and yes, they should back off.

his love language is gifts. he especially loves giving romantic, expensive gifts to his partner, so he’d probably gift you the pretty diamond necklace you admired while window-shopping…or a box of pure chocolate truffles…or a splendid bouquet of red roses. only the best for the best, after all.

he also loves doting on his partner with fancy dates, so don’t be surprised when he takes you to an expensive restaurant for dinner and to an elegant hotel for dancing.

keep in mind he’s a son of one of the most prominent families in lawless, so you’ll be quite featured for a bit once you’re seen with him. he doesn’t mind it, he wants others to see that his beautiful partner belongs with him only, but if it bothers you, then he’ll demand for them to back off.

this was a fun request! i love frate ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ thank you for requesting!!

[toziers]

How long have you been writing? How do you improve?

i think i’ve casually written for... most of my life? like writing wasn’t a big part of my life until recently, but when i look back i find i’ve just kinda always Done it on the side sporadically, and i was lucky enough to have some of the natural skill of storytelling there already. 

things started to change (and improve) when i started showing my work to other people. like i was in a scriptwriting class, and all of a sudden it wasnt just “haha im writing this song im gonna show to my two friends” it was “this class of 16 is gonna read and analyze your work” so i really started putting effort in. i used their feedback and tried to really take the constructive criticism into account to try and improve my work. then, in late october, i also started writing fanfic, which meant my writing had the possibility of literally Anyone seeing it. terrifying! but it motivated me to care about what i was writing, i guess, and to actively seek improvement. the biggest thing i ever did was get editors tbh dsfjsd like i have 3 people read my work before i throw it out into the world, and once i had other people pointing out my grammar errors it was a WHOLE NEW WORLD. i started recognizing not only my tense issues and colon misuse, but patterns in my writing. i started to be able to pick apart my style, and once i could see those patterns, i had the ability to either emphasize the good parts of my style or minimize the not so good parts. 

so i guess i’d say publish your work and get editors, because knowing your demons makes it way easier to fight them

[cryingovernarry]

i realized i never actually never share anything about me on this website, like, i never really write about stuff thats happened/is happening in my life or about stuff i like and whatever. and like. im the type who’s great at oversharing (shitposting) lmao but apparently never on tumblr i guess?? its not important but yeah i just realized it. ive had this account since april 2012 i think? never made any friends on here tbh i just exist in the background quietly liking or reblogging stuff, and never do anymore than that. and no one will actually care or read this so MIGHT AS WELL am i right ladies and gents and non-binary friends. so heres some good and shitty stuff thats happened in my life

2017 was a good concert year for me i think (please bear with me ive got bad memory) (thx depression) i finally saw ed sheeran (one of the best concerts ive been to even if the people next to us kept talking throughout the whole concert) then i saw shawn mendes (hes baby) i went and saw little mix all by myself (snatched that barricade too!!) it was incredible and i miss them. i was lucky enough to see niall and harry too on their tours and ill never get over that. oh, and niall retweeted one of my tweets so thats something. (im trying to play it cool bc its been over two years it Should Not make me Feel Like This anymore right) i also went to germany in 2016 on december 31st to celebrate new years with my friend who i met through the internet (thanks internet) and i stayed there for a week (shouldve known itd go all downhill after that)

so, while concert-life was on top, my personal life was at bottom and it would only get worse in 2018. 

early 2017 my mom started to feel...sick. her body was hurting all the time. she was in so much pain without knowing why. apparently she had some kind of rare blood disease. it all went so...fast. suddenly she was in and out of hospitals, she got worse, the pain even more worse. some days she could barely walk and all she could do was cry. it’s horrible seeing your own mom like that. knowing there was nothing you could do. i did my best though, i moved back home to help her with my siblings becuase their father is a piece of shit who never helped my mom even if she was sick. she was at her lowest and he didnt care and he only made her worse. but i took on the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings, and mom. as much as i could. while my older sister came home almost every weekend so she could help too. our grandma did her best too. we all tried so much to help mom. 

in september my mom called from the hospital. she told me her disease has turned into leukemia. this was the first time i cried with my mom. 

she did all kinds of chemo, got isolated at the hospital. wasn’t allowed to go out or sometimes even see her own kids. my sister and i took turns staying with her at the hospital though. i think the longest i stayed with her at the hospital was two weeks straight. 

when the results of her last chemo came back the doctor said the cancer hadnt gone down as much as they had hoped. they said my mom could do one last chemo but that was it, if the cancer wasnt gone after that there would be nothing more they could do to help my mom. because her body wouldnt be able to handle anymore. my mom was a fucking fighter, she had no hesitation about it. 

she was allowed to come home for christmas and the new years. no one knew it would be our last one with her. 

it turned into 2018 and she handled her last chemo pretty well. didnt affect her as much as the others had. she was allowed to come home for the weekend in february. she was so happy to see her kids again. she felt good. but she wasn’t. she really wasn’t. i think that weekend was the worst in my life. 

on march 20th, 2018. after a month of being in a coma, she passed away in her sleep. my wonderful mom, who fought to get better for her kids, who had been suffering for a year, finally got to rest. she wasn’t in pain anymore. 

seeing your mom taking her last breath really fucks you up in some type of way. 

she left six kids behind her. 

my mom always supported me going to concerts. she’s a big music fan herself and she knew how much going to concerts meant to me. always got excited when i told her about them, always listened to me. always listened when i played her new songs or albums. two days before her passing i saw harry styles in concert, tickets bought months before. i wasn’t sure i was even going, but i knew mom would’ve wanted to so i did. i wasn’t at my best during that concert, sat down for most of it but i cannot explain how much seeing harry meant to me. he really helped me feeling better for some hours, made me laugh and smile. i’ll always be grateful for that.  a month after my moms passing i had tickets for another concert, that was for niall horan. i really didn’t think i would be able to handle it, but i did it for mom. knew she would’ve wanted me to go. my friend was a great distraction, and we also met some lovely people in the line and i was so grateful. i will always be thankful for niall, even if he made me cry during flicker. he really helped me too, without knowing. saw 5sos too after three years at the end of the year, with my childhood best friend who i hadn’t seen in over a year. concerts really is the best medicine. at least for me.

i felt so lost without my mom, i still feel that way. some days i have a hard time believing she’s actually gone. your mom isn’t supposed to die when your’re twenty one. she’s supposed to be there next to you while you’re trying to figure out your life. 

i’m gonna be honest with you, i don’t really remember most of 2018. and i don’t think i actually want to remember either. 

2019 has been slightly better so far. saw disney on ice (incredible). in april we finally went to london. something my mom had always wanted too, so i took the necklace i got her years ago and brought it with me to london so at least a piece of her would be there too with us. 

on the first day my older sister and i saw shawn (hes still baby). we also went to madame tussauds (finally met one direction yall), went on london eye, walked to the buckingham palace. took a bus to warner bros studio tour of harry potter. that was fucking incredible. drank disgusting butterbeer. london felt like a dream. 

-

i still don’t know what to do with my life, i don’t really have any dreams. im currently living with my grandma and she really doesnt want me to move out lmao. and i feel bad for leaving her

-

so that’s it i guess. hi everyone who hopefully didn’t read any of this. my names amanda and my lifes a mess and all tangled up but that’s okay. thats what everyone says. gotta focus on the good things happening in your life. and don’t take your family and friends for granted. please. 

also heres my face ft. my harrys tour tshirt. be nice please. okay bye.

[minthalo]

All of the fanfiction asks!

oh boy okay here we go

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?

my first fic was “Do you want to build a Sand Castle With Me?” and I can reread it only because i rewrote it a few months ago and posted over the original 

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come?

my most recent fic is “Cobrababy Nate” and I think i’ve improved a lot since the first fics i’ve written... at least i hope i have

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

my favorite fic has to be “Meet me by the lake”

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic?

Probably my first fic “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?”

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

Yes!!! my favorite one is “You have a nice voice”

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that?

Y e s and it’s “Ooh Santa Travie”

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

I have this one Joncer au that i’ve never posted and I’m in Love With but i can’t find the motivation to write anything lately so it’s just sitting in my google drive unfinished staring at me until i complete it

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

hmmm I have this one Brencer au that i never posted that i haven’t touched in Forever so probably that one, i really want to finish it

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material?

no but i’ve thought about it

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

no i usually read a bunch of fics before writing my own

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting?

Yeah, i used to take prompts off those big posts full of them, and I know there are a million more popular fics with the same idea. I usually try to let it not bother me too much

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

Yes, i wasn’t comfortable with people reading that side of my writing. Maybe one day it’ll change

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

I use proper grammar

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

I look for more short and sweet fics rather than long ones like i used to

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular?

Yup, i would write frerard fics because i knew it would get a lot of attention even though i wasnt really into that ship

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention?

yup. I love rywalk but no one reads it so i stopped writing for that pairing

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic?

“Hot Shirtless Plant Guy” its like the second fic i ever wrote and its not very good. I went back and rewrote it because it was so bad

18. What’s your most underrated fic?

literally any of my rywalk fics. they deserve better

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick?

Shit i dont know, maybe the scene in “Do you want to build a sand castle with me” where Pete wakes Mikey up and they walk around their neighborhood in the middle of the night. I like that scene

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down?

Yes i have. I posted over most of my old fics with revised versions of them because the originals were so bad. I didn’t change much, just fixed the Many spelling and grammar errors 

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs?

Yes!! if they have an account i always go on it to see their fics and if it is in a fandom i like i’ll try to read them

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?

Y E S theres this one fic “Fragile Capricorn” and the author left kudos on my santa travie fic and i freaked out but also cried because thats the worst fic i’ve ever written but thats the one fic they read

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?

literally all my reviews are nice it makes me cry but my favorite was one on “Phone Call” and it was “ THIS. this is the fic that got me into joetrick a while ago. thank u for showing me the light.” it makes me so happy i can convert people to ships i like

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it?

I’ve never gotten a mean review on my fics but i have gotten people sending me anon hate here for them, and yeah i do think that person meant for it to be insulting.

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

“Please update faster!!” I know they mean well but writing is hard

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

that I write well at all because I have a million doubts in my head that my fics are shit

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick?

single fandom fics

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick?

probably bandom

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy?

I like to think so but alot of these fics are amazing and Im just like,, basic

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

I jump between fandoms for a while before stopping and moving on, its usually a slow change

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?

Mikey way tbh

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying?

literally none of them theyre all so hard to write

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

not really

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

Yes my first Joetrick fic is one of my most popular fics and I didn’t expect that at all, I never realized how popular that ship is

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to?

surprisingly no, all my ships are planned out

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic?

Yes. I hate ryden and i put it in my first fic for the sole purpose to break them up in a horrible way

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic?

Yes. I hate ryden and i put them in “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?” only to break them up

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why?

yes. I write in sad things because i know itll make readers sad

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership?

My ao3 stats say I have 16 people subscribed to my account but i have a hard time believing that many people like my fics that much

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content?

No. I have major writers block (and also depression) so i never have motivation to write fics even though i really want to, i never feel like i put out enough fics

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site?

I dont cross post but my favorite site is ao3

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten?

most popular fic is “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?” and it has 1,922 hits on ao3 

43. Your least popular?

Least popular fic is “What could have been” and it has 56 hits on ao3

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received?

I think so. I kudos every fic i read

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself?

romance definitely  

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author?

Not really i write pretty basic stuff

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

depends who they are but mostly yes, I would probably give them either “meet me by the lake” or “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?”

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too?

Yes all my friends know I write fanfiction. It’s not really something I’m ashamed of, and they usually think its less weird after I tell them I dont write porn

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it?

Yes!! My friend Veronica reads all my fics because I wrote them!! she barley even know the fandoms I write for

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

Yes it has had a big impact on my life, and I say its mostly positive. I’ve met some of my best friends because of writing fanfiction and that means the world to me

You can find all of my fics on ao3 Here!!

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 52 (part-2)

May 7th was the date when we actually had a conversation and ended our relationship. But that is just a date.. I felt out of a relationship for weeks before that.. I stopped feeling like he was there for me all the time, like I could talk to him anytime.. There was a point I even started feeling insecure to send him random selfies of myself.. Despite all these.. I still, and I still used to always wait for him to come by.. He stopped asking, and I started feeling insecure but I still used to send him selfies.. I still tried to hold it together although I never complained. For two reasons - one was because like him, I also, always knew this is haram. but yes, tbh, I was never strong enough to actually end things and that is because I did not want to lose him and this time when things ended, he told me things i wanted to hear. he told me what he wanted and why he came to make such a decision. and that is what i wanted to hear from him before ending it - I wanted to know that he really wanted to have something pure and halaal and that he wanted it bad enough to decide on it. That is why whenever things used to be bad, I used to still stick through it, hold it together because I never had the strength to end things without knowing for sure how he felt about it. And the second reason - I used to tell myself, all the time, that inshaAllah when we get married things will change.. Maybe I dont deserve all of it now but when it is halaal I will.. and that is how I would just suck it in. I remember telling him once or twice how when we are going to get married I’ll first make sure there are some stuff he is clear about before i actually say - I do - I didnt act all serious and all about it though but I really meant it and this was exactly what I was talking about. I also do remember telling him once that when we are going to get married I really would not appreciate how he likes his own space when life gets messed up. Something was very special about the night before Eid too, which was my 1st night there in Makkah (and in Masjidul Haram too). Since I had a feeling this might be the last Ramadan which I was unsure about before Maghrib obviously, I was making a lot of duas and all. So what was special about that moment is that, well!!

So to talk about that I need to go back to this story. So i mentioned in my last post how something has been really stuck in my mind for quite a while and how I didnt then want to talk about it because I knew that it would mean he will be able to read it and I really didnt want to mention it then. But now I think I should. So this thing has been really stuck on my mind. Like badly and it has been affecting me a lot. And the reason I am talking about it now although I havent talked about it earlier is because I have had enough time now to think it through and I have enough time now to try my best and put it out here in the clearest way I can. All I want is to put it out here, so that it is not just something stuck in my head killing me over and over again. I want it to be out here, and i know he will read it too and i really hope this gets to him the way I actually want to put it out here and that theres no misunderstanding. We decided not to talk and it’s okay but there is something I really wish I would have talked about the last time. But then again, all this isnt something I wouldve wanted to bring up right at that time when I had a lot of other things to say. And right now I want to write about it because I dont want to hold on to it and I cant either, and it is only right to just let it out. OK damn thats soo much of blabbering.. ugh

Aha so what I was talking about is definitely about me and him. The thing is ever since we started university, a lot, and i repeat a LOT of things have changed from how they used to be before then. So that’s change in general. BIG changes but a general one. But then the last few months before we stopped talking, there were these changes, specific ones.

and when I mention these ‘changes’ all what comes in my head is how he used to stay out of touch for a while now and then. he used to tell me how he used to get these episodes of something he cant really express. Also, for endless reasons there was always a lack of communication between us but.. Whenever there was, I always expected an explanation and most of the time I got one and it was always fine. I never minded. but.. As it came nearer to when we stopped talking, he stopped giving me any reason why he was away. It was like it’s totally normal to just do so. I knew he was going through a rough time and I didnt say anything about it but I never knew what it was exactly that was bothering him so much then. Now i do.. that was the time when he realized this relationship is haram and is not worth earning Allah’s anger..

So what has been bothering me so much once I know now that this was what was in his head then and this was the reason he used to go out of touch anytime and give no reason when he was back is this.. Well it just makes me really really insecure.. I still can try to put myself in his shoes and try to understand what he must have been going through, I can totally do that for him like I did back then too but keeping me in the dark and having me go through those days was not really a bright idea. I understand he had no intentions of doing so and he only delayed it cause he thought he was caring about me and trying to make it less hard for me to handle. But it has gone totally the wrong way though..

May 7th was the date when we actually had a conversation and ended our relationship. But that is just a date.. I felt out of a relationship for weeks before that.. I stopped feeling like he was there for me all the time, like I could talk to him anytime.. There was a point I even started feeling insecure to send him random selfies of myself..

Despite all these.. I still, and I still used to always wait for him to come by.. He stopped asking, and I started feeling insecure but I still used to send him selfies.. I still tried to hold it together although I never complained. For two reasons - one was because like him, I also, always knew this is haram. but yes, tbh, I was never strong enough to actually end things and that is because I did not want to lose him and this time when things ended, he told me things i wanted to hear. he told me what he wanted and why he came to make such a decision. and that is what i wanted to hear from him before ending it - I wanted to know that he really wanted to have something pure and halaal and that he wanted it bad enough to decide on it. That is why whenever things used to be bad, I used to still stick through it, hold it together because I never had the strength to end things without knowing for sure how he felt about it.

And the second reason - I used to tell myself, all the time, that inshaAllah when we get married things will change.. Maybe I dont deserve all of it now but when it is halaal I will.. and that is how I would just suck it in.

I remember telling him once or twice how when we are going to get married I’ll first make sure there are some stuff he is clear about before i actually say - I do - I didnt act all serious and all about it though but I really meant it and this was exactly what I was talking about. I also do remember telling him once that when we are going to get married I really would not appreciate how he likes his own space when life gets messed up.

Now one thing is very obvious and I am aware of it is how we used to communicate through “texting” and that is the worst form of communication there is i think! So yes that is one of the big reasons I think as to why he would just disappear at times. But then you really cant really put 100% of the blame on it, can you.

What I am trying to say here is that. On 7th May, when he finally brought up the topic, he wasnt being very clear in the beginning. He was saying bits and expecting me to complete his sentences. Which I didnt do though, because that would just make it really messy, and it is better he puts everything out there clearly without expecting me to know what he is about to say and all.

When he was telling me how we both do know that marriage is the only solution ---- now there were two possibilities ---- so either we end this relationship or we get married. As much as he was expecting me to know what he is about to bring up -- but from previous experience -- I really thought he was going to talk about getting married then -- Which brings me to my point! I was so relieved when he talked about ending the relationship rather than suggesting the idea of marriage somehow at that time.. And the reason is.. Everything I have been talking about all this time..

I am scared.. I have been scared for a long time.. I am scared of being married to him and having him disappear when life gets dark. I am scared of him staying in his own bubble every time he needs to. No, I am not saying he needs to stick to my ass all the time.. I respect his own space and privacy but this not that simple. I think this is more than just normal space and privacy. I think this has been something he developed over the years, as an adaptation to the different and difficult circumstances in life.

But as hard as it has been for me to be okay with it in the past, I still sucked it up because at the back of my head, I always knew this was haram and i always kept telling myself maybe i dont deserve so much right now but one day inshaAllah.

But I am scared, I really need to know this is not going to happen when we get married.. I can’t live through this..

Now this brings me back to Makkah, in Masjid ul Haraam - When all this was eating my brain away.. I was asking Allah to give us a chance to get past all these insecurities and all the misunderstandings we had in our relationship... And this fear that I am talking about, it wasnt new.. I did mention about how something was stuck in my head even in my last post before leaving for Makkah. And this fear is so real...

But right amidst all the fear, and all the chaos in the mosque. In the middle of all the things that were crowding my head and tearing me apart. In the midst of all the ‘buts’ all the ‘what ifs’.. Suddenly nothing mattered.. As the clock was ticking by, I suddenly overcame all that fear and suddenly it all didnt matter... All i wanted was just him... For a second it didnt matter, if he would disappear for ages, if he would disappear every now and then. Its like, I am okay with it, like I can live with it, but I still want to marry him -regardless-

That was when I fell in love with him all over again.. The idea of me and him being in a marriage.. The idea of earning Allah’s approval, His blessings.. The idea of having a family with him, living life with him.

I fell in love with completely all over again. and suddenly from asking Him to help to fix everything that got messed up between us so that I could overcome my insecurities before we get married, I started praying for just ‘us’ regardless whatsoever.

But then, those priceless moments are rare and do not come so often. The mind is pure evil.  These thoughts have been haunting me again. I still couldnt decide what I should do about it. The best I could come up with was to talk to him one day inshaAllah, one day when he will come for me.. The day I dream of.. But then thats a long long time and that is still fine but this has been eating my head up and more important than that - i just realized how life is so temporary.. you never know what might happen to any of us, anytime. I didnt want to keep something within me for so long - I didnt want to dm him either - So i decided to blog about it! I think this is the best I can do. I think this will help me calm down as ive poured it out of my head and also if he reads it he’ll have an idea what he is up against right now.

I love him and I want to be with him, there is nothing I want more than this.. But I am also scared, really really scared.. And I really don’t expect him to do anything about it now, today, or tomorrow. But I just want him to let me know one day inshaAllah, when comes to marry me, that there is no reason for me to get scared. And I want to believe in that when he does so..

And I am smiling when I am typing this right now. Partly, cause I was just about to delete the entire thing because I kind of did write the whole of it so maybe that is enough, I dont really need to post it - cause then he will be able to read it and if he does and I really dont know how he will take it because I really dont want him to  get to him in a bad way. I really dont have any intentions of sending any kind of negative message to him. All I want is to just put this out here because I really dont feel like keeping it in me is a good idea.

So when I was thinking of me wanting to delete it, I just realized how much he means to me.. I really have never felt this way about anyone else and never will.. ik..

And the reason I am not deleting it is because I really thing we both have grown up so much Alhamdulillah - We are going to be fine. Everything will be fine inshaAllah. I shouldnt let the though of him affect what I blog. And ik him enough right now to know it is okay! 

[citrussam]

describe your oc: all the questions. literally all the questions for jude thanx

JESUS CHIRST

here we go (will put some under the cut)

1: their voice

Ashly Burch (but a bit deeper)

2: their smile

i’m bad at describing things but all i can say is that half smirk a pretty girl gives off and it makes u really gay

3: their greatest achievement

Stole a fuckin car from a salesdude and using that car to steal 3 cartons of Alcohol or nearly died but managed to parkour around campus roofs 

4: their insecurities

as in big ones it’s probably hmmmm her appearance? she would feel bad bc she thinks she feels sloppy 24/7

being too open to people

her own personality sometimes that she gives off like “am i being too nice”

5: their shortcomings

never being the person she wanted to be in the first place

she’s a mess first off lmao but she tries to keep things organized bc she feels bad about it

Lack of control over her own nerves often

Lack of better understanding with her own conflicting emotions (like idk “she’s right. i’m dead wrong 100%”) and combating this with 40% of her self oriented nature 

6: how they deal with grief

me: BO i

you’ll notice p quick bc she’ll isolate herself from everyone and linger a lot around town (won’t even talk to Allen tbh) skipping class 

legitimately beat herself up 

i would’ve said alcohol but i feel like she already knows it wouldnt help not even an inch (but maybe would try again anyways)

7: how they like to dress

some days ripped jeans, some days leggings or just ...denim shorts (or sports shorts)

you’d always see her with some weird ass tank top or graphic shirt that says smth funny on it like “i woke up like this” 

draped over you’d see her wearing those denim or bomber jackets with pins on em’ or just a rugged flannel 

at home it’s just a sports bra and regular underwear bc “It’s like prison” - Jude

[more under the cut]

8: what they like to eat

probably those fuckin chinese seaweed thingys u see on CNY also probs a really good bowl of fish noodles 

do not bring rambutans near this woman

9: their theme

high key punk rock goddamn alternative aesthetic

10: their fashion sense

she literally just grabs what can be seen first in her wardrobe pls help her

but she keeps a decent fashion sense, esp if she’s going somewhere where she knows pretty ppl would go to

11: their family life

Jude: what the fuck is a family

no father figure, no mother figure (i mean, if u include Alice), the closest thing to a family life is during her early teen years when she crashed with Alice in her apartment bc apparently she had to travel alone to where Jude lived in so Alice just took her in and i guess that’s the first time Jude felt useful and had purpose

also like she looks up to Michael and Raymond as brotherly figures  

12: their romantic life

from bad ends in the past she thought the feeling of romantic relationships were 2 dimensional and really just dated for the heck of it or just thinks would numb what was kinda left for her to actually experience a good moral value (idk how to type or form words at this point)

she did at one point tried to take it seriously but ended up getting shit on and never really found interest again until Allen came along

so now she’s doing her best to keep this one afloat and staying honest and making sure everything is okay even when they occasionally fight 

13: their embarrassing memory from years ago

accidentally flashed her tiddies in front of a teacher she had a slight crush on (it;s a female substitute)

accidentally mistaken a twin brother as her date during prom and kinda made out a bit till ppl started pointing it out it wasnt actually him

Jude: i’ll never recover from it. my tits are cursed.

14: how they react to burning their tongue on food

she’ll stay frozen like a goddamn cat that has something on their head

either that or just keep pushing on like “but it tastes...so good...”

15: how they react to a brainfreeze

Pain(tm) 

screams if she’s not in public but she’d try to do those goddamn life hack methods on pushing ur tongue on the roof of your mouth

16: their dreams

man she just wants to be like those ppl on bandcamp that writes songs for a living also probably start journalism and make muns off weird articles she’s been hired to do online or smth

she’d love to have a munchkin cat (wait that’s not a dream)

nothing very big atm, though she would love to marry Allen sometime in the future if they can still work things out and maybe settle in somewhere nice

17: their ambitions

Music Artist/ hosts on travelling networks / cafe owner (is tht an ambition) / like i said she doesn’t aim for anything big or huge just managable things 

18: how they sleep

sprawled while laying on her back, if someone is sleeping over tho on the same bed she’d keep it to one side, and with Allen it’s like being chained to the bed when u really want 2 piss but ur gf is holding u down

also doing that thing where u tuck ur arms under the pillow while also sleeping on your back

19: their reaction to betrayal

wide spectrum depending on the person

immediately try to physically harm them

would be frozen in place like trying to piece together what the fuck just happened

saying it’s fine, and then going home just to lock herself in the room for idk how many days

would question a lot (is that how some ppl react) 

doubt herself 

20: their reaction to a mystery love letter

flattered but anxious bc like “i don’t know you but im flattered????” she would still appreciate it tho but if she recognize it she’d be flustered

21: how they react to pain

if u meant by heartbroken broken depressed broken into pieces kind of pain she’d try a lot of ways to beat it the hell out of herself

if u meant by physical pain then hm “it’s ok it doesn’t hurt” 

internally : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

22: what they're like on two hours of sleep

still could have enough energy to jog tbh depending on the day before

or

accidentally spreading toothpaste on toast

23: how they act when they're sick

a tad bit moody and would complain “if i havn’t done _______ i’d still be ok” and kinda half blame herself but also blame whatever caused it

24: what motivates them

The fact that Allen would be happy with her and that they’re still alive

also bc music and all that jazz 

25: why you enjoy them

i have....a type...for characters that are like her idk how to properly explain it but i guess although they seem p oblivious to the risks they know their limit and are very understanding ???? taking caution of someone else entirely before theirs (is not healthy but) i find their determination very inspiring?? in a way??? idk im like running on watered down latte and only had 2 hours of sleep atm i might re edit a lot of things here

[very-cherry]

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself. 

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.

[vidoxi]

just finished mystic messenger and i just wanna write down my thoughts. major spoiler warning + i-might-talk-shit-about-your-fav warning. if you want to discuss with me any of the points i bring up here, go for it.

Jaehee “No Homo” Kang

so when i first heard that her route was just a friendship route i was hella disappointed and thought that sounded like a total bullshit cop out, but after playing it i feel a little differently. i think it makes sense for jaehee’s character and narrative that she would value a friend over a relationship at that point in her life, but also its pretty clearly said that she does have romantic feelings for you but she needs time to process them, which is especially understandable since you can infer that before she met you she thought she was straight and also she’s catholic. her after ending was the perfect time for her to confess or for there to be the implication that you two are in a relationship, but instead it’s the only after ending where we DONT get to see interaction between you and your partner, which is a bullshit cop out. i do like that in the christmas DLC things got a little more romantic but i’m still wanting more. jaehee and the fans deserve what the male characters get, a CG of a kiss on the lips and a confession of romantic love. i hope that if more DLC gets released, cheritz will push the envelope a little a lot more. but i have heard that korea is still really conservative and for all i know making it more explicit could be illegal so i might be being unnecessarily harsh there lol;;

about her actual route though... it was good. nothing really exciting happened. it was definitely the chillest route i thought, but it was really sweet and she’s absolutely adorable and it warmed me to her a lot. her bad ending 1 (the one where you end up with zen) is so depressing, fucking hell. it feels like you betray her. it’s so ugly. ;_; i never want to do that ending and i’m glad there isnt a unique CG to tempt me into it either. her bad ending 2 (where you push her to work so hard that she ends up in the hospital) is pretty terrible too. after ending was hella cute though, i love the thought of mc and jaehee having their little coffee shop together and jaehee getting to actually work on something she’s interested in and being with her “best friend” all the time. oh and yoosung becoming jumin’s new assistant was interesting and i need me some fics, u feel?

something i also feel a little robbed about is that jaehee never blew up at jumin. she drags yoosung like theres no tomorrow and you just know she could say some venomous shit about jumin so i was hoping there’d be a big confrontation between them where she gets a dramatic The Reason You Suck-type speech but there wasnt really a moment like that.

however, seeing jumin all bitter about it at the end was a little gratifying (sorry jumin)

i love their emojis and you cant stop me from using them

also on this route where 707 has yoosung hunting for the LOLOL expansion pack (how is this boy so naive? im worried) and he finds a buried picture of rika’s dog sally instead, i at first thought that he had dug up sally’s corpse and i was like “wtf the fuck seven”

also wtf @ v saying he has terminal cancer. this is presumably a lie, right? before reading the secret endings i thought he was going to commit suicide but now im thinking that (seriously if you havent played the whole game you need to stop reading this rn) maybe he knew that rika was going to dispose of him soon and he didnt want jumin to investigate his disappearance? iirc yoosung’s good ending is the only one that he’s present in, so is it meant to be assumed that he’s killed off camera in every route possibly?

everyone else under the cut

Zen

the worst tbh. i dont like saying it but there it is. possibly this depends on who you are as a person but to me it didnt really feel like MC and zen had much chemistry except during that scene where youre on his roof together. most of your interactions are just you praising him and fellating his already huge ego. and jaehee was exceptionally annoying with all her “muh zens reputation” shit and feeling like i was taking zen from her was really awkward and unpleasant because it does seem like she has repressed feelings for him. fuck and the whole story with echo girl was super predictable and generic and feels like something i’ve seen 100 times before and probably have. my overall feeling about this route can be summed up by this emoji.

i feel like it could have been improved by either removing the echo girl stuff or at least putting an interesting spin on it. i think they should have made zens’ childhood abuse and family problems and maybe his past as a gang member as well an actual conflict instead of it just being a thing of happenstance. it’s an interesting backstory that as far as i can recall didnt end up having an impact on the current day situation. it would have been interesting if he had some sort of emotional issue you had to help him through like jumin, like secret crippling insecurities due to his family telling him for years that he’s ugly and inadequate, and thats why he tries so hard to be perfect so that people will give him the love his parents didnt. also his elementary school teacher was implied to be a pedophile(??? i dont remember what was actually said in the conversation i just remember the pedo-vibes) so they could have made him a CSA survivor but maybe thats too dark even for mysme lol.

also his bad ending 1 confuses me. the first time i saw it it felt really rapey but rewatching it now, MC does seem to consent but its after being cold and refuting his advances so it seems really weird. MC seemed genuinely disinterested, but i guess she was just playing games, testing him to see what he’d do? since theyre in a relationship a year later. and his bad ending 3 (the one where youre both kidnapped by saeran) is pretty bizarre lol.

so yeah this is the weakest route imo. maybe its different for people who are zen fangirls but i personally felt like i was being super fake the whole route, which was especially jarring coming off of yoosung’s route where the dialogue choices felt very organic to me. also his responses to mean things arent even interesting lol so thats frustrating too. and this route felt weirdly short. all the others felt like 11 days but this one felt more like 5? and when i missed chats on this route i just let it go most of the time instead of spending hourglasses. i wasnt feeling it, mr krabs. by far the best part of his route for me was the relationship development between zen and jumin.

now that ive spent 4 paragraphs just complaining you probably think that i dont like zen but actually i think he’s is a fantastic supporting character and i do like him a lot. that picture of him sneezing was my phone wallpaper for quite a while lol.

Jumin

me at the beginning: i fucking hate jumin han. fuck him. fuck his cat. i hate this type of asshole love interest.

me after zens route: i guess he has some hidden depths... i’m curious...

me after jumins route: *loves jumin han so much i cant breathe*

this guy... this cat man...... where to start? i’ve had a while to think about this route and i’m still not totally sure how i feel. “i feel complicated” is a term i’m going to start using because its just too handy for situations like this.

i guess i dont like that to get the good end you had to be passive and compliant and act like you were walking on eggshells. your relationship with him is undeniably a little scary and abusive. i think jumin needs more in his life than just you. but mysme is an otome game so of course youre the one that “fixes” him but thinking about it more realistically its worrying and jumin should be in therapy cuz the dude undeniably has some issues.

winning his heart by being understanding and with gradual, slow-growing trust was pretty touching. something i really appreciate was him opening up and his true self actually being hard to accept sometimes, instead of whats expected which is “oh youre secretly a perfect, beautiful soul”.

i do really wish they would have opened him up further though. there isnt ever a point where he completely loses control of his emotions. not to be gross but i’d do anything to see him crying, honestly.

i hope people are joking when they say that his bad end (you know the one i mean) is a good end. just because its hot doesnt mean that its good lol. its actually really tragic and shows the deterioration of his mental state and how he’s just accepted that he’s a fucked up/defective person.

“I was worried that the loneliness inside me would pile up and explode some day.” FUCK. dont do this to me jumin. ;_; this line is heart breaking.

something thats kind of interesting and worth noting maybe is that even though the other rfa members arent privy to the VNMs and you can give them little indication that he’s acting so worryingly theyre all still alarmed and concerned and thinks that jumin is going to hold you hostage/abuse you, which makes me wonder if youre meant to infer from that that theyve noticed red flags in his personality that he’s potentially kinda crazy.

and man, zen is always complaining about how jumin seems to have no emotions, but jumin finally opens up about his feelings and zen calls you laughing hysterically about how pathetic he is for being emotional. i was kinda hurt on jumin’s behalf during that call lol. he is so supportive to zen on zen’s route. just... shut the fuck up you albino freak. dont make me whip out yoosung’s “hyung, what’s wrong with you?” emoji. i wont hesitate, bitch.

there. you asked for it. feel those judging purple oblongs pierce your soul.

man, just reading the dialogue options that treat him like a psycho make me cringe. usually i’m tempted by mean dialogue options but not this time. i want to protect jumin han. ;_; i want to untangle his threads. i dont want him to feel like a mutant ever again. i want to love and accept him. i am now the president of the jumin han protection squad. jumin han did nothing wrong. shameless jumin apologist. that’s me. no but seriously he did a lot wrong and is pretty morally grey but thats one of the reasons that i love him. if you love jumin for pure reasons (that arent just “daddy~”) then youre automatically my friend and i love and appreciate you.

just to love on him for a minute: he is so damn funny, for real. he’s such a sass master, its great. him being terrible with technology is funny. his social awkwardness is funny. his shitty jokes are funny because theyre not funny. he should be the poster child for gap moe cuz goddamn. he’s such a ham. an absolute goofball dressed as a billionaire CEO, and i dont think he even knows it.

also every time elizabeth meows i fucking lol. its literally just a woman saying “meow”. every time jumin says “elizabeth is just a cat, she’s not human” i’m like “ARE YOU SURE?”

Yoosung

this is the first route i got and i assumed that i had already peaked at the beginning and no one was ever going to top yoosung for me, and that assumption was correct. i love this boy. do you hear me? i love him. “perfect” has seven letters in it. “yoosung” has seven letters in it. coincidence? i dont think so. i have feeeeeeelings over this character. he is so darling. i just adore him. i’ve opened the app many times just to look at his album. his voice is like a choir of angels. i have so many screenshots of conversations with him on my phone. he is so selfless and caring and adorable and kinky and pure and i want him to be real so i can marry him irl.

i’m not even sure how to give a critique on his route because i feel so emotionally close to the situation lol. i was very, very invested. ah. gosh. this boy. his good ending is absolutely beautiful. you know youre playing a weird otome game when the good ending has your boyfriend tortured and disfigured. he really earned his happy ending, not quite as much as seven but its up there.

i really love how for better or worse, this boy is like putty in your hands to be molded and what you say to him effects him so deeply in a way that doesnt quite get as extreme as with the other characters. obviously your words majorly influence the other characters but i feel never to the extent where theyre hanging on to every little thing youre saying like yoosung does. which makes sense because he’s young and impressionable and doesnt know what to do with himself and he says he wants to be controlled lol.

MAN, speaking of that, i love his bad ending 3 so much. it’s so twisted that he’s technically getting what he wants in a lot of ways. he’s a masochist that loves the idea of being kept as a pet and controlled, and he gets all that and more with saeran. that ending is so fucking hot, slkdfljsf. i might write a fic. i have a couple ideas.

oh shit, using that seven gif just reminded me. there’s a chat thats on the first few days of common route that ive always participated in before, but when you dont participate in it and yoosung has time to ramble, it gets really kinky. he says “i wonder what it would feel like to be locked up? just a bit.... curious lolol” which i think is what he says when youre in the chat too BUT THEN HE STARTS GETTING OFF ON THE IDEA OF SEVEN BEING LOCKED UP TOO. “Imagine the super smart Seven all flustered. and not knowing what to do.” AND I’M JUST LIKE BOIIII;;; HOW YOU GONNA JUST TALK ABOUT THAT IN FRONT OF ZEN AND JAEHEE LIKE ITS NOTHING? if he would take the obvious hints that seven hits on him he’d probably be willing to roleplay that scenario. 707 strikes me as a fetish friendly person lolol.

ummm... well, to get back back on track, ahem.... him confusing you with rika was creepy and interesting and they didnt take it far enough. even on the yandere bad ending he’s still fully aware that you arent rika. it seemed like it was building towards him having some kind of psychosis where if you feed into his desire for you to be rika he’ll really think youre rika but that doesnt happen so theres no real pay off, and he doesnt have time to do anything yandere-y to you before the bomb goes off so i found that ending to be pretty disappointing and unsatisfying. it felt like someone waving a delicious cake in front of my face but only giving me a crumb of it in the end, do you know what i mean? aaa. maybe i can find a fic that runs with the ideas set up here. when youre desperate, turn to fanfiction lol.

speaking of disappointments, i’m not over the last line of his good ending being “youre not rika, are you?” like... at this point we’re past this arent we omg stoppp. this line is a blight on my happiness. fuck rika and fuck whoever thought that was a good last line.

i noticed that yoosung is the only rfa member including v and rika that doesnt have childhood trauma. his trauma all happened recently. i think that lends to him being the most fragile and child-like character. the other rfa members are so strong because their pasts molded them that way, but yoosung has no such constitution and rika’s death is undoubtedly the worst thing thats ever happened to him.

something thats been on my mind concerning bad ending 3: does rika know that saeran is torturing yoosung? saeran must know that yoosung is his savior’s cousin because he’s hacked the chat and presumably has read messages where yoosung mentions being her cousin, correct? therefor wouldnt that make him hesitant to harm him? i think rika must have consented to yoosung being tortured then. maybe his ultimate fate at the end of bad end 3 is that he’ll be brainwashed and become part of mint eye.

man he’s such a bad judge of character lol. he hero worships rika, loves echo girl, thinks that jumin isnt potentially dangerous, and even you can fall into this category if you choose to play it that way. the one person he really dislikes is v, and v has nothing but the rfa’s best interests at heart lol.

something i love about him is how quick he is to call everyone out on their shit. like, his finger is always on the “whats wrong with you? :>” emoji, just waiting for someone to say something he doesnt approve of lolol. he’s so empathetic and naive but he still has such a strong sense of right and wrong and isnt afraid of standing up to his older friends and i think thats great.

ahh. this boy. he might be ranked #2 on LOLOL but he’s ranked #1 in my heart.

707

before playing his route i thought seven was an obnoxious tryhard and that jumin was way funnier, and after playing his route i still think that he’s an obnoxious tryhard and that jumin is way funnier.

HOWEVER.

however. i can definitely see why he’s the most popular character. that hot and cold drama, i-cant-be-with-you-because-it’d-put-you-in-danger, dark childhood backstory, sad clown type shit is a recipe for a lot of fans to be in love with you. he personally doesnt make my kokoro go doki doki like i kind of expected because of the fan response but i do really like him as a character.

he’s similar to zen in the beginning in that you have to constantly stroke his ego and i was like uuuuggghhghghghghg nooooo. “god seven” kill me lol. at least that only lasts for the first few days though.

i liked his bad end 2 where youre really sexually forward with him and he keeps snubbing you until you just snap and push him down lol. (“why arent you pushing me away?” “...i dont know. the floor is comfy.”) seeing him finally just give in and be hedonistic and decide to run away with you was nice. god i want fanfics based on like every bad end, theyre just so interesting

the chat where he tells yoosung that their friendship doesnt matter was paaaainful. also that part on day 10 when youre leaving mint eye and he says horrible shit to v. what was it, “if this is what youre really like i can see why rika blinded you”? like... goddamn, dude. i would never want seven mad at me lol.

one of the moments on this route that got me the most was in the flashback when saeran is being brainwashed and is speaking of or thinking about seven and says something like “please come back. we dont even have to be happy. just as long as we’re together i can endure anything” and then he’s crying about how he misses him and.... augh... *clutches at chest like the heart attack guy meme* i want to give saeran 52 hugs and a box of cupcakes and a puppy. i want to adopt him even though he’s older than me and be his mom. saeran.... saeran...... ;_;

THE ZEN AND YOOSUNG DRUNK PHONE CALL AT THE END OF DAY 10 IS THE BEST FUCKING PHONE CALL IN THE GAME. i called yoosung again after they hang up and he answers and its so great too. i need fanfiction R I G H T N O W about that night. nsfw or sfw, i just need more drunk yoosung antics and zen trying to handle him. oh and if you also call seven at this time he picks up and its really sweet and i think it should have been an incoming call so more people would hear it. the fact that the first time he tells you he loves you is in an optional phone call kinda sucks.

oh fuck his fucking after ending. at first where mc and saeyoung are in bed and talking about going to rescue saeran i was like “GDI CHERTIZ” thinking they were going to leave it open ended, and then in the chat where saeran joins in i fucking s c re a med i was so happy and relieved omfg. seeing the rfa being so inclusive and nice to him warmed my fucking heart. and when they asked him if he has the same taste as saeyoung and he says “ive never been interested in women” and zen is like “oh? where is jumin lololol” i fucking died. i can see now why ive been seeing yoosung/saeran shipping stuff and its romantic and not the abusive stuff based off of yoosung’s bad end 3 like i was expecting. but of course it turns out to be a fucking dream and ruins everything. the second that creepy music box music started playing i was like “fuck you cheritz”.

707′s voice actor in the free talk part is great. saying all these cheesy romantic lines makes him want to “rub sandpaper all over my skin” lmao. and he hopes that it becomes a series with new titles like “Strange Messenger and Thankful Messenger”? fuck yes mate, fuck yes.

does seven not actually open a toy store? :c i kind of want this to be an actual thing. its a good fit for him. maybe the fact that he dreamt about it means that it’s something he’d been thinking about.

oh and BI THE WAY, SEVEN IS BISEXUAL. this makes me so happy. bi visibility is so important to me and the fact that he’s the face of the game, the fan favorite, the canon route, etc, is so delicious. thank you cheritz.

on the subject of the secret endings.... man. i knew it was going to be crazy but i still wasnt prepared. these were a trip and a half and genuinely had me feeling shook up emotionally. if there’s ever a time in my life when i’m too happy i’ll just think about v. definitely the most tragic character in the story. he’s not an angel and he’s pretty much culpable for his own suffering but he did not deserve that.

something of note is that jumin was in love with rika but after learning what she did to v, he has such a grudge against her that he wants her arrested even when she’s completely lost her mind and he even thinks about chasing her down to alaska. he loves v so, so much, augh. it hurts. i’m in pain.

it’s pretty fucked up that jumin (and yoosung and zen and the rest of the world) are still being lied to about v’s “suicide”. jumin spent a lot of money and went to a lot of trouble to get help for saeran, who is his best friend’s murderer and he just doesnt know it.

the fact that yoosung in particular never knows the truth about the cult and drugs and brainwashing and everything is a good thing though. just seeing his hero come back from the dead and be reduced to someone so mentally ill that she cant communicate and needs 24/7 care would be extremely distressing and i imagine would worsen his depression. knowing the truth would be too much i think.

i think this game fucked up v and rika’s VA’s too because both of their free talks quickly derail into too-serious territory. v is like “i once hurt my wife so badly and the guilt was unbearable” and rika is like “im going to die some day and i have no idea when...” and im sitting there like “i need a fucking hug, oh my god”

it’s amazing how quickly the secret endings shot saeran up to being one of my favorite characters. he’s so good. ;_;

okay but what was mint eye’s plan? i know they wanted to end the world’s suffering but like, how exactly? through brainwashing + drugs? rika could clearly see that saeran was miserable though, couldnt she? also some of the things saeran said made me feel like they were going to do some sort of ritual group suicide or something. maybe thats how everyone is going to be happy. and the doctor says that saeran was on peyote, shrooms, AND meth? god damn, what a cocktail lmao rika doesnt fuck around.

i love rika. she’s thoroughly disturbing and a sickening person and i can see why she’s so hated now in the fandom but even she is deserving of sympathy (abused adopted child with severe mental illness) and also has good qualities (high emotional and social intelligence, genuinely sweet, and extremely empathetic). one of my favorite villains from anything in recent memory. she’s terrifying and i absolutely love her.

we never learn her real name, which i thought was intriguing. i get the feeling that she’s meant to be mysterious and unknowable, even with all her power stripped from her as it is at the end.

im so happy that the game ended on a hopeful note, with saeran seeming like he's starting to recover and he's either grown out his hair or dyed it back. he still has literal mint eyes though, which makes me wonder if theyre not contacts like i was thinking and are actually some permanent body mod he had done. he got a tattoo of the mint eye logo, so i wouldnt be surprised if that was the case.

stray thoughts (this part is super disjointed and im just saying things as i think of them)

with the exception of 707 (if you count the secret endings as being part of his route), sometimes i get the feeling of these characters being like big fish in a small pond. mysme is already head and shoulders above what i thought a mobile game could ever be, but that doesnt change that i still feel hungry for something more. i want to see this cast in more situations, under different circumstances. they all feel like fleshed out characters full of potential that are just waiting for something more and bigger to do, like maybe something thats not restricted by being a mobile otome game. but maybe thats one for the fic writers, i dont know. maybe cheritz could work them into another project somehow since mysme got so popular.

i love that the characters have actual flaws. all of them have unattractive qualities that really make them seem human. and all of their relationships with each other are entertaining too. they are all multi-faceted and interesting and i really do adore this cast.

so 707 is the canon route but i hate the thought of any of them being canon because that means the others arent canon. all of them needed you. i want a harem route. give me all of them at the same time.

i feel a spiritual connection with vanderwood. he just constantly looks so done. his gender confused the hell out of me at first. i thought maybe he was a trans woman at first because of the hair and name but then he responds to seven referring to him as a woman with things like “i’m going to taze you”, so i was like “okay, he’s just a dude with a girls name and haircut for some reason” but then seven tripped me up again with the fact that even when the scene is really serious and seven isnt in a joking around mood, he still refers to him with female pronouns. but i guess this could be explained as this is just what seven’s used to. @aouba brought up a really good headcanon that i believe actually is canon because it makes too much sense which is that “mary vanderwood” is just the identity that he’s assuming at the moment, like saeyoung being “707″. its even noted by one of the other RFA members (yoosung?) that the name is weird and sounds fake.

i’m never more thankful to be a pale girl with long brown hair and bangs than when i’m playing this game lol

also i love this game because it feeds into my pathological need to help people without me actually having to do anything lolol

is it just me or do the full portraits of the characters look weird? like when you look at them on the wiki and you can see their legs. i cant tell if it looks bizarre because you just never see their legs in the game or if their legs are drawn weird or both lol.

i love the character designs. 707 in particular is very nicely put together and distinctive. and i love how angelic rika looks. that one taylor swift song thats like “darling i’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” is totally her theme song.

... okay now that im listening to that song it really does fit rika a lot.

oh and Take Me To Church is def v’s song for rika.

the two guests i was unable to get throughout all the routes is @god and @star. star’s is just so counter-intuitive and god’s seemed like such a crapshoot that with two chances for both i made the same mistake on their first email both times lol.

it surprises me that religion is mentioned so frequently and openly. maybe its not as big of a deal in korea or something? i’m thinking thats the case since two of the VAs mention their religion in their free talk (i forget who but one said they were an atheist and another said they were christian). it just seems like an oddly serious and potentially alienating topic to bring up in a dating sim. also jumin and yoosung are so inconsistent with what they believe. jumin says that he’s christian on one route and then firmly says that there’s no god on another. yoosung says he doesnt believe in god multiple times and that he has no interest in having any religion but he also talks about praying and refers to rika as being “up there” and watching over the rfa. i think zen is actually the only character that doesnt ever say where he aligns.

was anyone else suspecting that rika was the one that blinded the dog, sally? i’m glad that turned out to not be the case.

i love the voice acting so much. i think quality of voice acting is sometimes harder to discern when its not a language you speak, but the quality of the voice acting here shines even to my english-only ears. yoosung’s voice is straight up one of my favorite sounds, 707 has an impressive range and is overall just always entertaining to listen to, i love the way zen’s VA delivers his lines when zen is surprised and his howls lol (which were apparently ad-libbed by his VA), jaehee’s voice sounds so sweet and lovely, and jumin is so very... jumin-y and nice and relaxing to listen to.

zen and the twins were so fucking cute in the flashbacks i want to scream. i know we get to see yoosung as a teenager but im not satisfied and i want to see jumin and jaehee as little children so bad too, augh.

rika and yoosung are the only two characters that get the creepy ass yandere eyes where their eyes get all dull and flat when theyre being crazy.

i never cried but i got pretty close on yoosung’s good end and during the secret endings. i still feel shook from the secret endings lol.

why are there still bad end relationship endings for 707 and zen and jumin that no one has found? its almost february of 2017. its surprising considering the games popularity and how long its been out. is datamining not a thing with mobile games? or does the fandom not have anyone who knows how to datamine, or what?

ships im particularly interested in: jumin/v, jumin/zen, jumin/yoosung, yoosung/seven, yoosung/jaehee, yoosung/zen, yoosung/saeran, seven/saeran because i have no shame, mc/everyone, like literally just every ship tbh because i love every character hnnng

i had no idea that buying the christmas DLC gets you another free talk with the VAs. yoosung’s VA is so cute. “please get your flu shots if you havent already”.

not sure what to do now. i definitely want to replay yoosung. and i want to hunt for all the CGs and phone calls too, but i dont want to spend $20 on the calling cards lol. would buying them even be a better deal than just spending the same money on hourglasses? $26 gets you 1000 hourglasses which is more than you’d ever need, right? it seems like the better deal, unless youre not using a phone call guide for some reason and want to try to just discover them all on your own.

i’m super excited for more DLC. i definitely think there will be more because when you open the DLC folder, the christmas DLC is shoved off to the left, making room for at least one more. also just the nature of it being a DLC folder and not a direct button to the christmas DLC.

... i guess thats all i have to say lol;;; bless cheritz. this game is fantastic and has consumed my life and ruined my sleep for the past almost three months and i had so much fun and i hope they get even more ambitious with their future projects.

[kuchipatchi69]

aesthetic themed asks 😎 answer them all 😎

god ham ok

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?Today probably? I listen to music when I walk around campus so i kind of sing to myself

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?If I will be happy in the future lol

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?Actually making it to college

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?Everytime I go home and see my dogs lmao, i love them so much

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?I would do whatever I want tbh, no reason to not have a good time

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?uh!god i have no idea, im honestly winging it

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.Okay so we’ll do the Big Meme @chesapeakeripperWe’ve been friends for like, over 5 years and though we had a few falling outs, theyre literally my best friend lmao. Short, Salty, yet chill, and always a good time to hangout with. One of the only people I can spend more than a week with probably. Too edgy for their own good but has a compatible aesthetic and music taste. Edgy but loves folk music? A little shady, an asshole, yells at me for dabbing too much but then proceeds to dab or get mad when i dont take advantage of the good time to do it. ALSO the only person who i feel on the same level with rhythm games in general lmao

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?Oh yeah. My parents were good and I’ve realized how nice ive had it. We aren’t rich or anything but my parents always made sure we were comfortable.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Oh god i dont even know. OH NVM YEAH, I cried in front of my vocal teacher and I feel so much closer to her honestly.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.Ok not to be gay but ham probably lol I mean? I would feel at peace probably, because I can talk to him about anything and I wouldnt have to feel nervous or anything.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?Oh yeah, I’m an open book and Most new friends reach out to me when im having a rough time so

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?Either Ham or Cain? Idk it wasnt anything too deep lmaoW Cain we just shit talk or talk about mbmbam? or pkmn cards lets be real. Cain is my bff and ham is a good guy

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?FUCK IDK ID REALLY HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THISI’d probably tell my dad thank you and how much he meant to me

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?Great, I love them

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.“What” - anyone ever, I connect with it because I never know whats going on ever

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?“I’m out here”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?buy a lot of anime figures and also clothes and pokemon cards

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?IT DEPENDS! I can forgive people if I can see how genuine their apology is but if its something really shitty, then probably not lol

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.Are you seriousDear newly gay Sydney (I didn't start going by Sid until highschool so),I’m glad you cut your hair off, and I actually want to cut it again. I know you cut it because you were experimenting with gender stuff, which I’m also glad you did. You can stop being so edgy and a weeb? Also stop being so into yaoi it’s Really cringey to look back on (esp bc you wrote mpreg and I’m still not proud of it S M H). I don't really remember Middle School and I’m glad because you were in your scene phase and you tried way too hard, eventually became a compulsive liar and just manipulative overall.I’m a lot gayer and more comfortable now than you are, so try not to be so fake-depressed because the real thing will hit you in a few years and yeah, you’ll want to die but its fine. Everything’s okay. This is supposed to be 200 words but i dont give a shit so heres this.Your more gay, and less uptight self, Sid

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?Oh god, punk, but tired

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.I love tattoos and want to be covered in them, and I love piercings and want love them

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?idk why this is under piercings but okI do! but I also dont! I dont wear makeup 85% of the time but I have so much makeup and I love to put it on :’)

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.Y’all.... Fall out boy has literally been there for me through all my years and have been the band I go back and listen to because I didnt share their music with anyone, and It makes me feel like I can go back to before life was so hard

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.“Who gives a shit, my dude” 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.Jonas brothers (lmao)- I dont talk to the people I went with, my first concert, I didnt even plan to go lolFall Out Boy- Literally one of the best nights of my life and I got to spend it with my cousin and I’m so gladTwenty One Pilots- Though i dont really like them anymore, I became better friends with Maizie, who has literally had my heart for so long and I love her so much. I love both her and Jacob and wish I kept up better contact with them

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say????????????? idk 

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?My desk has: a makeup mirror, some cake, a lamp, pill bottles and anime figures. Its unorganized bc I dont work there

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?Lay down, turn on MBMBAM, and then play all of the puzzle games I have until I’m out of lives before going to sleep l m a o

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?I went to some guys house one time and he tried to get me to do coke (I didnt do it dont worry)

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?MY HAIR IS BRIGHT YELLOW RN I WANT IT TO BE CURLY THO

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?Cain, Ally, Maizie, Jacob and Julia probably. We could go somewhere spooky

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.To be happy-Idk im not as happy as I want to beTo be wanted- I have a lot of problems with self worth so To be happy w my appearance- Ive been overweight my whole life and I’ve always felt ugly lmao

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.Oh god I have no idea bc I usually just do makeup and go 

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?Drunk text people how sad I am

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?im not sure tbh

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?only see one person? Cain probably only bc we get along so well even tho we get on each others nerves lmao

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.BRO okay yeah I have, it ended BADLY and a lot of people know the story. Of both the platonic and not. idk tho, its a good feeling to know someone is there for you no matter what

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?yeah, I LOOK like a 12 year old boy but its fine lmao

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?Iced coffee, 6 pumps of simple syrup and half and half. Green tea smoothie or frap OR salted caramel hot chocolate. My orders are pretty normal so 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?God, my friends. They’ve helped me so much and I could not be more thankful because I’m going through such a hard time