#also super annoying I have to physically go to campus…to do an online class -_-

[bookwyrminspiration]

fervently hoping my Spanish is good enough I can learn another language being instructed in it ough I’m. real nervous for Tuesday wish me well </3

[spencersawkward]

if you feel comfortable with it, I’d love a prof Spence where reader is a student and goes to office hours to initiate ~smutty goodness~ but Spencer is reluctant at first bc his job but they flirt more and eventually sleep together

me n my professor kink when i saw this: 😏 anyway yes i am quite comfortable writing about this lol. i took some ✨creative liberties✨ with your request so i'm sorry if it isn't exactly what you wanted! 

summary: reader is a student in Dr. Reid’s class, but she’s been something of a poor student-- office hours are the only solution.

relationship: Fem!Reader/Professor!Spencer

content warnings: unprotected penetrative sex, fingering, rough sex, super brief hair-pulling, creampie, dirty talk, spanking, age gap, degradation-- he gets pretty dominant oops.

word count: 4.5k

masterlist

popping in a piece of gum, I make my way to the back of the hall. there are a few people here already, but it's a little early. I'm never early. in fact, I'm usually late; my other class is on the other side of campus, and getting here involves a lot of embarrassing speed-walking.

but here I am, five minutes ahead of schedule and actually in a decent seat. as I flip open my textbook and pull my laptop out of my bag to prepare to take notes, my gaze slides down to the corner of the room, where Dr. Reid is standing up with a pile of papers. he walks over to the girl in the front row, handing her the stack and gesturing for her to pass it along.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. he's a total luddite. the first day, Dr. Reid spent about ten minutes rambling about the importance of reading from a physical book rather than online sources-- which, although I definitely agree with, means a lot more lugging around folders and organizing all the readings he gives out. if he wasn't so hot, I would have switched into another course.

and I know it's wrong to be daydreaming about my professor slamming me into a wall while he discusses the intricacies of quantum theory. the complete cliché of it is embarrassing. but still, I just can't stop thinking about him: how his fingers would feel around my throat, the smooth wooden surface of his desk against my cheek as he bends me over and pulls my panties to the side--

"glad to see you've decided to join us, today, Ms. Y/L/N." Dr. Reid's voice startles me out of my thoughts. he's standing towards the front of the room while students file in. his hands are resting in his pockets with his eyebrows pleasantly raised.

"glad to see you've noticed." I retort, too irritated with his comment to care about being polite.

a couple people look at me. even though I'm generally not on time, he tends to just glance my way when I walk in and leaves it at that. I know he doesn't like it, although I personally don't care. I hate this course.

he seems visibly surprised by my response but doesn't reply, gaze lingering on mine before he turns to speak to a student trying to get his attention. I bite back a smile. fucking asshole.

as usual, Dr. Reid writes in his thin, messy lettering on the board while wandering around the front of the room. he's quite fidgety, even though his voice doesn't betray any sort of nervousness. it's like he's naturally overactive.

every word out of his mouth is enunciated, sometimes spoken faster when he gets particularly impassioned by the subject. he's interesting to look at, too. messy curls and a nice suit, stubble that straddles the line between refinement and ruggedness.

I type quickly, but it isn't fast enough and the strange illustrations he does on the board only complicate things. I try to write them down in my notebook, but my handwriting is jagged; sometimes it's hard to read. when a student raises her hand for a clarification, I take the opportunity to catch up.

my head jerks up as soon as I'm finished and he's looking at me while he speaks. even from so many feet away, the intensity strikes me. he's gesticulating and crossing the room. I hold eye contact.

I wonder if he dates often; a couple of the girls in my row always stare at him throughout the lectures. he seems to be completely unaware of the effect he has on people. sometimes I'll see him in the hallway and he has his nose buried in a book, or a to-go cup of coffee, or both. either way, there seems to be no more room in that head of his for romance.

which, naturally, makes me curious about how he looks when he's on the edge of orgasm. if that composure is replaced with a contorted pleasure. I want to break him.

it's like he can read my thoughts, because Dr. Reid averts his gaze. my stomach twists with a strange anticipation. he avoids looking my way for the rest of the time.

towards the end of class, I start to pack my things to go. I have three papers to write, and my utter lack of interest in this is making me eager to leave. I shove my textbook into my bag the second my professor starts to make closing remarks.

"don't forget that we have a midterm in two weeks!" he says in a slightly louder voice as people start to move around. "if you have any questions, my office hours are posted on the bulletin board outside."

at this, my eyebrows rise. I forgot about the midterm. I have a study calendar set up for all my subjects, but I've purposefully been putting this one off. I'm not super into math. and it doesn't help that most of my time is spent not listening. when I am, it doesn't make sense.

as I stand up and gather my stuff, I hear someone clearing their throat a couple feet away. my head turns to see Dr. Reid leaning against his desk.

"Ms. Y/L/N, can I see you for a second?"

my heart stutters in my chest. is this about my attitude? he's never asked to see me outside of lessons before.

I frown, making my way to him with a deliberate pace. the tension in the room builds as I watch the last of his students shuffle out of the room. my head turns from the door to him; my breath catches a little in my throat at the set of his jaw. part of me hopes I get yelled at.

"I'm concerned about your participation in this class." he says. his voice isn't cruel, but it is brutally honest— which is worse. participation? I feel my fist clench at my side. my professors don't usually say anything if you aren't doing things up to their expectations; if you aren't, then they give you a bad grade. simple as that.

"is this about me being late?" I ask. he lets out a sigh before answering. he sounds disappointed.

"you're constantly tardy, and when you hand in your homework, you barely seem to have put in the effort. it's messy."

"messy?" I start to get annoyed. I'm only doing this so that I can get my degree. it's a fucking requirement. even though I'm not the biggest fan of mathematics, I still do my best and hand in my assignments on time. plus, the latest I arrive is five minutes-- it's not like I'm stumbling in halfway through the lesson.

"you've never come to office hours to ask for help or explained your lateness, which I, as your professor, would have appreciated." he scolds. honestly, I don't know what to say. my eyes narrow.

"I have my studio class on the other side of campus." I explain. "I should have emailed about that and I'm sorry, but I'm also not being lax about my work."

he goes around to the other side of his desk and glances up at me while he organizes some loose documents to pack away. he looks way too good when he's exasperated: his hands tighten around the papers, his eyebrows come together in this cute way. his tie is a little crooked, too.

"are you struggling with the content?"

"sometimes, yeah. but I can handle reaching out for help if I need it." I reply. he's pissing me off with these questions. I can see from the expression on his face that he's surprised by my reaction.

"really?" he slides some books into his messenger bag. that was definitely sarcastic; I know it was. "because it doesn't really seem like you have."

"I like to find help on my own." I shoulder my bag and cross my arms over my chest. there's no way he's gonna talk to me like that and expect me to not respond in kind.

"I'm reserving a slot on Wednesday evening for you," he looks up and holds my gaze. hazel irises that dare me to challenge him further. "I want you in office hours so that we can figure out how you're gonna catch up before the midterm."

"fine." I turn on my heel and leave. I know I'm not supposed to talk to my professor like that, or even to behave with such apprehension. but something about him makes me angry in the kind of way that settles in my stomach. I hate that he's right. I'm not going to do well on that damn test if I don't get some help.

but that doesn't mean I can't have some fun with it.

when I rush into his office on Wednesday evening, the sun is just starting to set through his window. there's a pinkish glow that smooths over Dr. Reid's desk as he glances up at me. I had to run to get here.

"you're late." he nods to the clock on the wall. I roll my eyes.

"only one minute, though. I had another class."

he sighs and folds his hands on his desk. "how are you doing today, Ms. Y/L/N?" a strangely polite question for the look on his face. he's frustrated with me.

"I'm quite well, Dr. Reid." I smile brightly, slightly excited by the anger on his face, and sit at the chair in front of his desk.

"I didn't know you were interested in art." he says simply. I'm confused for a moment before I remember that I told him that the course before his is a studio lesson.

"I didn't know you cared."

"do you make a habit of that?" he quirks an eyebrow.

"of what?" my expression is saccharine.

"being rude to people who control your grades."

"unless you're considering being unethical in your practices and allowing your personal opinion of me to influence my grade, then no." I counter. he's silent for a moment, taking in my words like they've left a mark on him.

"well, you'd most likely fail if I asked you to leave my office hours right now. whose fault would that be?" he fidgets with his hands and leans forward just a bit, his voice dropping to a lower tone. I bite back a smile.

"you wouldn't."

"and why is that?" he baits.

"because you're not a shitty professor, Dr. Reid," I lean back in my chair and cross my legs. "as angry as you are, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you kicked me— a struggling student— out of here for giving you a little attitude."

"a little attitude?" he scoffs. "you've spent the whole semester completely ambivalent."

"not completely." I shrug.

"Y/N, you draw all over your tests and leave at least one problem half-finished every time. you obviously aren't learning." he chuckles mirthlessly. I concede this point; I like to doodle when I'm bored. and there's absolutely nothing more boring to me than numbers.

"okay," I sit up and rest my elbows on the edge of his desk, staring at him. "then teach me."

Dr. Reid holds my gaze for a long moment. we're suspended, it seems, as his lips part and he finds himself speechless. the way I said the words obviously has another layer to it-- he just has to decide whether or not to take the bait.

"what are you struggling with?" he clears his throat and sits up a bit straighter in his seat. that answers my question, I guess. I poke my tongue between my teeth gently, but then pull out my notebook and flip it to a page with some problems outlined on it.

"these." I toss the thing onto his side and he begins to run through the assignment. I watch him pick up a pen and start to explain the steps, slipping into his usual educational tone. his shoulders relax a little as he writes.

I can't see right from the angle I'm at, so I stand and come around onto his side. I hear him pause his speaking for a moment at my proximity, but he doesn't move away.

"does that make sense?" he asks me once he's finished running through the first problem. he basically did all the work. the professor's head turns to gauge my reaction to the explanation, but his eye line is right at the hem of my skirt-- which is already pretty short. for all his attempts to be subtle, he gulps and looks up at me.

"mostly." I brush a piece of hair behind my ear and pretend to scratch at a spot on my upper thigh, dragging the edge of my skirt with it until he can see the smooth skin beneath, practically begging for his touch. "can I ask you a question?"

"sure." he keeps his eyes almost too focused on mine. I try to hide the smile tugging at my lips. now or never, I guess.

"what's your policy on professor/student relationships?"

"my-- my what?" this time, he's audibly scattered when he turns to me. his eyes are wide, dark. even he can't hide his feelings.

"you know," I run my fingertips over the tweed shoulder of his jacket. I can sense the tension beneath his clothes. "like, your policy on fucking a student."

"I--" his cheeks turn pink. he's flustered, albeit not rejecting my touch. "I've never had to think about it before."

"hmm," I look off to the side as if considering this point. his chair is fully turned to face me now, and I'm standing in front of him, almost completely his for the taking. all he has to do is close the gap. "well, what are you thinking about it right now?"

"it's wrong." he stumbles over the words.

"why?"

"well, I mean, you're a student--"

"for a semester that's almost over." I cut him off. he opens and closes his mouth. I take a deep breath, toying with the hem of my skirt. "I know you've been looking at me during class."

"w-what?"

"you're pretty good at hiding it, but you call on me a lot and you get all messed up when I hold eye contact too long during lectures." I say.

he looks down and back up apologetically. he's just sitting there, lap wide open. so I do what any sane girl in my position would do: I climb into it, straddling him and resting my arms around his neck. he sucks in a breath.

"you pretend I'm such a pain," I lean down by his ear, my core drawing over his pants. he tenses as I speak. "but you like that I'm your little problem."

"Y/N..." he trails off, but his hips are bucking up into mine.

"see?" I look between our bodies at his movements, then at him. I smirk as I look into those lust-darkened eyes. after a moment of him not speaking, I straighten. "look, I'll leave you alone if it really bothers you--"

as I start to get off his lap, he grabs me and pulls me back down. the force hits my center at just the right angle and I let out a slight mewl. he hears the sound and before I can register the pleasure, he grabs my face and yanks me closer to kiss him.

god, he feels so good. I rock my hips against his while our lips pass over each other hungrily. so much tension built up over the past few months, so many thoughts I've had of him, now coming to fruition. it's amazing.

"not so 'wrong' now, is it?" I chuckle against his mouth.

"shut up." he orders. one moment of broken contact to slide my top over my head and throw it on the floor.

I sigh as he starts to kiss across my jaw and down my throat. "I like when you talk like that, Dr. Reid."

one hand grips my hips tighter and he releases a groan against my skin.

"is that why you're such a fucking brat in my class?" he bites my collarbone and I moan. "because you want me to put you in your place?"

"mhmm." I hum. his fingertips move under my skirt, sliding up my thighs and toying with the waistband of my panties. he teases me by grazing my slit over the fabric, inhaling sharply at the wet patch.

"sitting in the back of my room, fucking dripping..." he mumbles to himself as he starts to rub me.

"touch me." I breathe out, trying to gain the friction that I need.

"not if you're gonna be a brat." he removes his hand and I let out a frustrated noise as I try to find the pressure I need elsewhere by grinding down on him. he grunts at the way I pant into his mouth, trying to kiss him with every chance I get. his lips are so smooth and sweet against mine. there's something affectionate about it even in its ferocity.

"I'll be good." I practically beg.

"that's what I thought." he slides his tongue over his bottom lip as he watches me whimper on top of him.

"come on, Spencer..." I use the name for the first time and he grabs my face in his hand, squeezing my cheeks.

"not my name, sweetheart." he stares into my eyes expectantly and I smirk.

"you're fucked up, doctor."

"so are you."

after he says that, he lifts me off his lap and stands up, pushing between my shoulder blades until my face is pressed onto the desk. I let out a needy whine, wiggle my ass back in hopes of finding his crotch, but he's not willing to give me that, yet.

instead, he gently touches my skirt, flipping it up so that he can see my ass. immediately, he starts to knead it. my palms are pressed flat against the desk with anticipation, silently thankful that my panties are still on. I think I'd be dripping down my thighs if they weren't.

"are you gonna be more respectful?" his voice is low, one hand tracing over my back. I shake.

"mhmm."

"I won't spank you if you don't use your words, sweetheart."

"yes." I choke out, no longer wanting to give any sort of resistance. I had no idea there was this side of him, and I love it.

he loves it too, apparently, because his hand comes down sharply on my ass. I yelp at the contact and he runs his fingers over the point of impact, rubbing the flesh gently.

"too hard, baby?" he checks.

"harder." I beg. I can't see his face, but I can sense his smile as if it's my own. his palm hits me again, and I gasp.

"you like being punished?"

"yes." strangled and desperate.

he slips his finger beneath the fabric of my panties, collecting my essence and letting out a quiet moan when he feels me. I push my hips against his fingers, partly expecting him to remove all the pressure, but he doesn't bother waiting.

he slips his index inside and I gasp. starts to push in and out, his silence proving his arousal. I can practically feel his eyes on me. the pace increases a bit and he slides in his middle finger. I buck against the desk.

"oh fuck!" I cry out as he starts to go faster. he curls them against my walls and I arch my back.

"two fingers and you're already breaking?" Spencer chuckles as he moves inside me. he keeps one hand on my ass while he does it, starting to finger me at a ridiculous speed while I pant and moan and cry.

"I--" I gulp down air. "I need you in it."

he bends down by my ear, never breaking his rhythm. my legs are shaking from the force. "you need my cock?"

"yes," I feel myself closing in around him. "god, yes."

"you're lucky I wanna fuck you so bad." he mutters. I grin as I hear the clink of his belt coming undone, the sliding through the belt loops, the sound of him stripping down to nothing. I can feel my excitement on the inside of my thighs, spread around by his reckless fingers as he removes my panties and skirt.

he grinds himself against my pussy, coating himself in me, while he releases low, longing moans. I suck in a breath when the head pushes in, every inch pushing me open a little more. I don't have the ability to form words, so I bite my lip and grip onto the edge of the desk until my knuckles turn white.

his breath stops for a moment before he groans.

"so ready for me."

he's not even all the way in, and he has to pause to let me adjust. when he taps the inside of my thigh for me to part them more, I do it quickly and beg him to fill me up. I can barely take the pressure between my hips, but it burns in an inviting way.

"keep going." I direct him. he runs his hands over the curve of my waist and starts to thrust into me at a rate that leaves me panting. it's not too fast or slow, just impatient and needy. every sound that spills from his lips turns me on more.

"where'd the attitude go, huh?" he digs his hips into mine. his cock hits my cervix and I squeak against the wood, but he holds my back down. I don't even try to argue with him, too overcome with the pleasure that's coursing through my limbs. he starts to build up his speed. "don't have much to say when you're getting fucked?"

"Dr. Reid--" I moan.

he plows into me so hard, the desk shifts on the floor and he grabs my ass with both hands.

"take it, baby. fucking take it."

I get up on my elbows to look behind me, just to glimpse how he looks as he gets closer. his curls have fallen more in his face, and his shirt is gone. I want to touch him desperately, to feel the lovely skin of his torso and arms and everything else, but he keeps me down for the most part. all I get is the sight of his mouth open and his hips moving quickly against mine.

"look at me, there you go." he grabs my face and holds me there, our eyes locked. mine are welling at the sheer overwhelming pleasure inside, but his are dark and intense. they search mine for something I can only hope to offer.

"that feels so good, Dr. Reid." I pant. he bites his lip as he watches my mouth hanging open in lecherous shock.

"I bet it does," he explores my body. "coming in here, hoping I fuck you like you deserve. you're lucky I'm going easy on you."

"thank you." I whine.

"you might need some extra lessons, yeah?" he grunts out, moving into me with a bruising force.

"yes, please." I whisper. my voice is practically gone at this point, my mind entirely focused on the knot building in my stomach.

"what was that, baby?" he pulls my hair gently.

"yes— fuck— yes, please, Dr. Reid."

"what a beautiful girl." he smirks. I whimper when he runs his fingernails down my ribcage. I can feel it coming from the way he starts to move tumultuously, every thrust pushing harder and seeking more release. it's fervent, how he takes me and grips my hips like the force itself will push him over the edge.

"I'm so close..." I breathe out as I try for as much friction as I can.

"show me," he drops down so his stomach is flush to my back. "show me how you cum, Y/N."

the way he says my name-- husky and warm and full of lust-- causes me to snap. I cry out as he reaches around to clamp a hand around my mouth, climaxing and pulsing around his dick as I drop down against the surface again. I want him to finish inside, so I do my best to keep him here. and his thrusts are getting more staccato as he chases the sensation my walls create.

"can I fill you, angel?" he asks. he's breathing right by my ear, and the feeling is sending shivers down my spine. I love how his weight feels.

"yes." I moan and he slides his fingers into my mouth. I suck on them while he orgasms, jerking into my pussy and letting out unholy sounds of ecstasy. he says unintelligible things in the throes of his orgasm. pounds into me until I'm sure I won't be able to walk tomorrow.

"jesus christ, Y/N." he slows to a stop. when he pulls his cock out of me, the absence makes me whine. I miss his body already.

"oh my god." I clench my hands into fists as I try to catch my breath. I'm still bent over the desk as though I've been completely sapped of all my energy. I suppose I have. he doesn't touch me for a moment in the spirit of letting me recover from the small shudders still running over my skin.

"that was great." he says after we've both had time to fill our lungs. I push myself onto my elbows again.

"correct." I grin and straighten up more until I'm standing. he stares at me, at the cum now dripping down my legs, entranced.

"let me get you something to clean up." he snaps out of it a little. I can't stop looking at him, either, in love with the way he moves and the way he breathes after exerting himself on my body.

"come here." I bite my lip. for some reason, despite what we just did, this is scarier than everything else. he steps closer and I reach up, kiss him softly. part of me worries that he'll pull away and be terrified. maybe that he'll tell me that I've read too much into this.

he's much gentler than before. our first kiss was full of need and primal desire, but this is more affectionate. I remove myself from his embrace.

"okay, you can go now." I giggle. his fingertips linger on my waist and he smiles. I push his shoulder. "I literally have your cum all over me-- go."

"fine." he starts to put his clothes on.

"does this mean I get an A?" I joke. Spencer shakes his head.

"nice try. when we're done cleaning you up, we're gonna sit down and figure this out."

I let out a whine, and he kisses my cheek before looking me in the eyes. "it'll be fun. I promise."

"math is not fun."

"I can't believe I like a girl who doesn't enjoy such a beautiful subject." he rolls his eyes and I giggle. he's perfect.

[twinklelilstarkey]

Revenge - Matthew Tkachuk

Words: 3.1k+

Type: Smut

Warnings: Female!Reader. 18+. Cursing. Fingering. Oral sex (mentions of male receiving, but it’s mainly female receiving). Online classes. Semi-public sex (while in zoom class). 

If you’re a minor, please, for the love of God, do not read this!!

Studying and working from home hasn’t been all that stressful for you. 

At least for now. 

All your professors of your college have, honestly, been the only pain in the ass, since they care so much about participation during classes or with doing essays, ‘so it compensates your lack of physical presence in classes’. In other words, always having your camera on, unless you want to be kicked from the zoom call. Oh and yeah, have to hear their whining (if they’re that type of professors) if they see you talking to someone off screen and looking down at your phone.

As annoying as that sounds, the fact that your boyfriend and you get to have and spend more time together - over not having to stay in campus to study or in the rink to work - it, honestly, makes you feel better.

And you being you and Matthew being Matthew, teasing is in the nature of your relationship. And just the fact that you both get to have the possibility to tease each other during inconvenient times just to get under each other’s skin, it’s fucking gold.

Yes, whenever you are in classes, Matthew is in zoom meetings, but there are days where he has longer meetings than you. And god, you do use those times to your advantage.

Your type of teasing can go one of two ways. It can be to just annoy the shit out of each other until someone laughs or just tackles the other off screen - yes, it has happened - or the sexual type of teasing.

The second one is more rare, and of course, more risky. You two obviously only do anything in days that, for an example, Matthew isn’t in meetings with his coach or you aren’t in online tests, or with certain teachers. But, of course, there’re exceptions.

One of the most important problem of living with each other is that both you and Matthew have grown to be extremely comfortable with each other. I repeat, extremely comfortable. 

Just imagine how your first day of online classes went when your very naked boyfriend walked right across your background while your professor presented himself. 

You thankfully saw it before anyone could and your shoulders hid everything except for his chest, but it was still a very close call.

Nothing a pen thrown at his head couldn’t fix.

It never happened again but the lack of clothing is still very real under your roof. Matthew puts on boxers and, in meetings, a shirt, and you... well, you only wear a t-shirt.

Yesterday was your day off and let’s just say that boredom got the best of you. Matthew was stuck in a delayed zoom meeting with just his teammates, which meant that whatever you two had planned had just been delayed as well. Resulting, of course, in your boredom.

You leaned against the doorway while looking at him for the first minutes, then against walls and only after the first 20 minutes, you sat next to him on the extra chair, hoping that maybe your glare would be enough to speed up whatever they were talking about.

Didn’t work. 

Whenever Matthew would look at you, he would just laugh at the small pout, and, later, the scowl that grew on your face. 

The meeting continued for another 40 minutes and you were pissed. You whispered many times to Matthew just to ask if you could at least go to the bedroom, but he always answered ‘I’m almost done, babe, just a few more minutes’.

A few minutes your ass. As it reached the whole hour and a half, you were furious. Matthew was sitting on the normal desk chair, legs under the desk, leaning back as if nothing in the world could bother him. Ah, he was more than wrong.

You knew for a fact that the conversation between the guys is not even work related anymore. You couldn’t hear anything over Matthew having headphones but from all the laughing from his part and his friends on his screen, you had a good idea of the truth. So... 

You did it.

You didn’t think twice or even hesitate, you just did it. 

You went under the table, while gaining a look from your boyfriend, who didn’t say anything at first, and just pulled down his boxers. He was in shock, to say the least, for the first minute or so, but he didn’t stop you.

He hissed super loud as soon as your hand held his cock in your hands and he swears that he never moved so fast to mute himself on the call. 

His friends were too distracted to notice anything about him on his camera, or even hear him over the other guys’ voices, so everything came unnoticed.

The boys lost him as soon as you pulled him into your mouth. He didn’t hear a thing nor did he say a word. He was completely lost in the total bliss of the warmth and smoothness of your mouth. He threw his head back on the chair and brought his hands to your face, helplessly grabbing it as you took him inch by inch into your mouth, bobbing your head up and down as your eyes stayed on his.

Did it work? Sure did. He never left a meeting so quick in his life. And as soon as his laptop was closed, he snatched you from under the desk and took you right there on the ground, on top of the carpet.

Twenty four hours later and you think you’re still sore, but you don’t regret it one bit.

Matthew, today, has nothing to do for work, while you’re in your last class of the evening. He’s sitting next to you by the desk, back turned to your computer as he faces the tv and plays some video game.

As you continue to take notes silently of what your professor is explaining, your phone vibrates with a random notification and your eyes drift over to it. You eye it quickly and slide to the side to delete it, leaving you to stare at the photo on your background.

Matthew hates that picture with everything in him, while you love it with your whole heart.

It’s a picture of him a year ago. A night that he was just bat shit drunk, smiling widely to the camera with his eyes closed because of the flash of your phone. He looked adorable, and that is exactly why he hates it.

“Y/N Y/L/N, please pay attention to class”

You lift your head to look at the screen and the teacher already moved on with class. 

How in the hell does he notice you every time?

Matthew looks over at you as you sigh loudly and looks at your screen. You look slightly stressed, maybe also frustrated, with whatever just happened, but with just his eyes, he can’t tell what that was.

As a student’s face appears in your screen when making a question, Matthew rests his hand over your naked thigh, grabbing your attention.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, and you lean back on your chair.

“Caught me looking at my phone” You whisper and he smiles.

You look back at the screen as your teacher starts to talk again and try your best to go into your robot mode. No emotions, just take notes.

Matthew looks away, back to his TV, but lets his hand rest on your leg as he quietly changes games. He had grown bored after dying so many times at online servers. Nothing a calmer game can’t fix.

You write down whatever your teacher says, not really caring if it makes sense or not when written down, and your phone vibrates against the table again.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go grab that book right now” Your teacher excuses himself and you swear that you see everyone sigh in relief at his announcement of everyone’s seconds of peace.

Matt leans his head on his chair as he’s stuck on a loading screen and you look over your shoulder curious to see what game he’s playing. You turn in your chair, pen still in your hand, and sit over one of your legs to stare at the TV.

You stare at the black screen, waiting for the lobby of the game to reappear, and out of nowhere, you feel Matt’s hand squeeze the inside of your thigh, high up your thigh.

“Stop” You warn him.

“Didn’t do anything” He answers back.

You shake your head at him and him, being the little shit that he is, decides to move his hand more up. Tingles run down your body at how close he really is to notice your usual lack of underwear, but you just send him a glare in return.

“Aren’t you in class?” He asks, acting as if he’s still not moving his hand up excruciatingly slow.

“Yeah, but my-”

Right as you’re about to explain, the sound of your teacher’s mic moving around makes you look back at the screen.

“Here it is.” Your professor says as he holds his book up at the camera.

“Never mind” You tell Matt, turning back for your class, sitting straight in front of your camera.

Your teacher starts talking about the book, also about the author, and quickly you’re back to your emotionless self, paying attention to everything he is saying, making sure to know if you actually need to read that book or if it’s just optional.

Everyone nods at the teacher to make him know that everyone is listening and you’re rudely pulled away from your moment of concentration as Matthew’s hand finally reaches you.

“Matthew, I’m in class” You say through your teeth, not wanting your teacher to call you out again. This time, for talking to someone.

You grab his wrist and as you’re about to pull him away, his middle finger traces your slit, easily sliding in between your lips.

He smiles as your hold on his wrist loosens and as you lean slightly back on your chair. He steals a glance from your screen and finds your teacher talking, still holding the book up to the camera.

You gasp as his finger touches your clit and look over at him with an annoyed look as soon as it starts circling it.

“My class ends in 15. Can’t this wait?... Please?” You ask, trying to fight the urge to close your eyes.

His slow circles around your little bud speed up slightly and you sigh.

“My meeting from yesterday was almost ending as well. That didn’t stop you, did it?” He asks in a low tone.

You let out a small whimper as he presses his finger more onto you as he continues his circles and you lay your head back, trying to make it seem for the camera that you are just leaning back.

“I only need you all to read from page...” Your teacher continues and you curse out loud, hand grasping your pen tightly.

You hold your head back up, leaning forward on the chair, and try your best to ignore Matt’s hand. You stare at yourself in the camera for a little as you hear the numbers of the pages, but your brain seems to have stopped functioning completely.

Please just write that down, please just write that- hold on.

Matt takes his finger off your clit and soon you feel it reach your entrance, gathering some of your juices onto his fingertips. You lean forward on your chair and he takes that moment to push his finger in.

You bring one of your hands to your forehead as you lower your head down and you let out a small moan as Matt’s ring finger slides in as well, working at the perfect rhythm.

“Does anyone have any questions?” The teacher asks.

You sigh as Matt starts working his thumb around your clit, and the voice of a girl fills your ears as she starts making her question. Matt’s fingers are not even going at a fast pace, but you’re sensitive enough to already let small moans escape your mouth. All because of yesterday.

Matthew bites his bottom lip as you let moans softly escape your mouth, completely hiding your face from the camera. God, he hopes your class is ending early.

He speeds up the movements of his fingers, letting them start to quicken as they slide up and down from your slick walls, wetting his fingers with your juices up to his knuckles, and he smiles as you respond instantly by closing your eyes and covering your mouth with your other hand.

“Ah yes, those pages are quite difficult to understand at first...”

Matthew, completely ignoring the fact that you’re still trying to listen to your teacher, speeds up his movements even more in the same minute, scissoring his fingers, and the sound you let out is just purely pornographic. 

As he feels you lean in closer to his hand, an idea flashes in his mind, making him smile evilly, even though you’re not looking at him at all.

Matthew pulls his hand away and you whine as he does it.

You open your eyes to look over his way and he swears that in his years of being a very annoying player in the NHL, nobody has ever looked at him with so much anger.

You continue to glare at him as he brings his hand to his lips, and you bite down a gasp as he starts licking his fingers clean. You’re breathing hard, almost panting, heart beating against your chest almost as if you were hitting a wave of complete adrenaline.

He smiles as he looks down at you and you don’t smile back, absolutely pissed off at him.

You, being angry as all hell, take your eyes off him and lean back on your chair, arms crossing over your chest as you stare at your teacher on your screen.

Matthew, pleased with himself, brings his hands to the chair you’re sitting on and pulls it away from the desk. You, even though confused, let him do whatever the hell he wants.

He stands from his chair beside you and, in a quick movement, crouches, and away from the camera of your laptop, moves to under the desk.

The look you give him as you look down is as unbothered as you wanted it to be.

As you bring your eyes back to laptop screen, you take notes of some of the number the pages that you missed over being ‘occupied’, and at the same time, Matthew grabs your legs by the back of your knees, pulling you closer the end of the chair, closer to him.

You breathe in deeply as you feel his breath against your inner thigh.

Matt spreads your legs even more and leans in, making you feel his head rest against your stomach.

Carefully, you adjust your laptop, just so nobody sees anything down your shoulders, like Matthew’s head, and bring your hands back down to your sides.

Matt’s hands spread both of your lips apart and you almost let out a cry as you feel his wet and hot tongue against you. You bite your bottom lip to contain your sounds as he licks down to your entrance and you take your hand to rest it on top of his curls.

“I almost forgot,” Your teacher says, “I have another book with some pages that could help you understand that chapter better...”

He disappears again from the screen and right on the same minute, Matt’s lips wrap around your clit.

“Shit” You curse under your breath.

He sucks it and you grip onto his hair. You bite down on your bottom lip to hold back any possible expressions that could give you away to your classmates and as your teacher takes a bit more to come back, you do the same as some people do, and turn off your camera.

Your name appears on your small grey rectangle and you sigh in relief.

You throw your head back in the bliss of the moment and Matt moves his mouth away from your clit. His tongue moves down and teases your entrance as you look down at him.

He smiles against you and you move your oversized t-shirt up to your waist, letting you take a better look at everything. He pushes his tongue inside of you and you moan out loud.

His nose grazes your clit and you’re a complete mess right there and then. His hands hold you by the hips so you don’t move away but that honestly is the least of his worries.

“Fuck, Matty” You sob in pleasure.

You drag your eyes to your screen and the message of your mic being muted appears, something you’re very grateful that exists.

Matt moves his mouth back to your clit as your teacher reappears and you take a look at the clock, still 5 minutes left.

“Here we are,” He says with another, larger, book on his hands.

He takes a look at the screen and a message appears on your screen. This god damn man is trying to turn everyone’s cameras back on.

You refuse the request at first and as you’re about to turn it on, scared of being kicked of the class, you feel Matt’s teeth touching your clit.

You cry out loud and he sucks your clit harder, moving his head from side to side as you cling to his hair for your dear life.

“Y/N Y/L/N, ... and... Please turn your cameras back on” Your teacher requests.

You sigh and try to do as told but the pleasure is starting to take every ounce of strength from your body. The familiar bubbling of pleasure sets at the end of your tummy and you moan loudly at Matthew’s tongue and lips.

“Don’t stop, please” You plead your boyfriend.

Matthew, taking your words to heart, does exactly what you ask him to. When releasing your clit from his lips, he starts working his tongue on it. Moving from side to side at the perfect speed, bringing you closer and closer to the edge.

You throw your head back, again, not controlling anything that you’re saying anymore. Pleasure consumes your brain entirely, almost driving you to, what seems like, complete insanity.

Your fingers tug on Matthew’s hair more and he leans more into you, resting his forehead against your stomach, nose against your pelvic bone, hands gripping the sides of your thighs, pulling them close to his shoulders to get a better angle on you.

You continue to let all types of sounds escape your lips, from moans to little whimpers that are not doing anything else but blessing Matthew’s ears. 

One last quick movement of his tongue and you reach your high. You bring your hand up to your mouth, unconsciously, covering it to not let your final screams bounce off the walls of the large apartment.

Matt carries you down your high and you are completely lost in the world for a minute or two.

You’re breathing heavily and your heart is jumping out of your chest, and only when you feel it calm down, your eyes fall back on the screen of your laptop.

Your teacher had carried on, surprisingly letting you and another girl have the cameras off, probably thinking that you’re not even behind them. 

You let go of Matthew’s hair as he starts laying kisses on your inner legs and you look down at him. A cheeky smile appears on his face and he pulls your chair back.

As he stands on his knees, you lean in quickly and kiss him right on the lips as your way to thank him. He smiles against your lips in the kiss and rests his hands on the top of your thighs, caressing them back and forth with his palms.

Your tongues touch each other into the kiss and he leans in closer, roughing up the kiss as you taste yourself on his tongue and on his soft lips.

“So, I guess we can end our class here” Your teacher says and you pull your lips away from Matthew. “Does anyone have any more questions?”

Silence.

“Alright, so, I guess I’ll see you next week.”

Right in the same minute, everyone turns on their mics to say a quick goodbye, a thank you or a quick wish of a good weekend and you, on the other hand, just lean in to click on the red button to leave the meeting.

You close the app as Matthew stands back on his feet. As you’re taking your air pods out and closing the laptop, he picks you right up from the chair, making you squeak in surprise, and throws you over his shoulder.

He’s definitely not done with you, but who are you to complain?

Again, I wrote this in between classes and I’m still very new to writing smut. If you have any tips, please, send them!

*Happy Valentine’s Weekend*

[valkyrieofsmut]

The boys and mc high school/college au go!

Ooooh, college au! It took forever for for me to get this all typed out and decided. Ok… so…

Classic- Classic is the one chilling around in the study/ tutoring circle, kicked back, seeming like he’s asleep and somehow not falling or tipping from the chair that’s only on two legs, getting credit for being there, but not participating... That is, until someone says something so incredibly stupid with such confidence, insisting that they’re right, and anyone who thinks differently is stupid, that he can’t help but cut in, laughing loudly and looking up. “ya really think that’s how it works? you’re gonna make these poor kids fail their tests if they believe ya!” He then proceeds to school them, the other people taking notes so they can pass their classes- no one’s ever been able to explain quantum physics so understandably before!! How he met MC? He met them when he started going to the study/ tutoring circle because it was an easy credit- a credit that he’s already earned by now, and can’t duplicate. One day he’ll be able to play it cool enough without his soul trying to beat out of his ribcage to ask if they want some one on one tutoring, since they’re there for the help, not the credit.

Creampuff- He is the sweetest boy around! Somehow, even on a campus this big, everyone knows who he is. He doesn’t stay inside the normal clique circles, either, being friends with everyone! “FRIEND GROUPS SHOULD INCLUDE EVERYONE YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH, AND I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE!” He’s Homecoming and Prom King, and takes any duties he has from the roles very seriously, fulfilling them all with the utmost passion. There isn’t a single person around that could hate him, and the teachers all love him as well. His grade point average is about an A- to B+ range. He’s not a genius, but he works hard and never shies away from extra credit and working hard to make it. He doesn’t seem to sleep? He is always doing something, working on some project for some class of club that he’s in, or spending time doing activities with friends... How he met MC? They were working on a project for a club that they were both in, and built a good friendship on their time spent together and the interactions they had there. They have lunch together in the cafeteria most days.

Red- He sits in the back of class, looking like the bad boy that no one wants to approach, but that also the one that people swoon over, giving out winks and smirks, flirting indiscriminately. He never does any work in class, and seems to never really care about it, but somehow- always gets amazing grades on tests...? And his grades in class aren’t anything to sneeze at, either, despite homework counting as a part of the grade...? The teachers like him because he really gets their subjects, and does really well, but he tries not to let anyone know, because, y’know... that bad boy image would be ruined... How he met MC? They had a class together, but MC was having trouble. Red sent every bit of flirting their way, but MC was having none of it. Finally, Red offered to help them with the homework, but MC told him they didn’t need to fail because Red wanted to flirt. “ah, sweetheart, y’re makin’ me feel bad- ya think i’d ever offer ta help if i didn’t know th’ answer? i don’t ever offer ta help anyone- y’re a special case. *wink*” He then taught them how to do the problem, telling them to pull up the answer online and check it while he kicked back. After finding out that MC liked the nerdier, actual “him”, side of him, he made it a habit to show it to them often, sitting next to them and explaining things through class, starting to ignore the rest of the people who usually flirted with him, liking the acceptance that MC gave him and how nice it felt to actually be himself.

Edge- Who knew that you still need gym credits in college?! Edge did, that’s for damn sure. He loves it because it helps him find a better way to deal with his frustration and anger. He also loves to untangle to puzzles that seem impossible. He’s seemingly on track to become a psychologist, a criminal detective, a lawyer, and an agent at some governmental agency that only has letters on their building... He tried to get into the medical field, but he can’t handle the disgusting nature of that science. He can handle things like gunshots, stab wounds, even road rash and compound fractures- but as soon as the body is cut open and he can see inside of it, he’s fighting not to faint. “IT’S NOT THAT I HAVE A WEAK STOMACH! IT’S ALL THAT- VISCERA! THERE’S SO MUCH OF IT AND SUCH WEIRD, UNNATURAL SEEMING COLORS! SHUT UP!” How he met MC? P.E. He has become known as one of the gods of P.E., and is often mistaken as a teacher. They were doing track and field activities, and MC was staring at him. When Edge demanded what they wanted and why they were staring at him, and MC answered by getting flustered and asking if he could show them how to do it that way, since he was so good at it, at it was amazing to see him do it! He gets all flushed and agrees, feeling flattered that they recognized his greatness.

Blue- He is on the Cheer squad, leader of the Pep squad, and leader of the track and field team! He is super athletic, and is very friendly with everyone! He ends the day with little energy from how much he does- people think that cheer and pep are just dancing around, but it’s hard work! There’s lots of flexibility training, and strength training, otherwise, they wouldn’t be able to do all the gymnastic type moves and lifting of whole other people they do! And then he has homework after all of that, and hanging out with his friends... But, luckily, he’s really smart- on most things. For everything else, there’s his brother, who he pesters to do homework with him as a way of learning, and getting him to do his own homework. How he met MC? During a pep rally, they did something with audience participation, Blue was picking the person that he’d be partnered with, and grabbed MC when he saw them. He was instantly enamored and at the end, he asked them for their number. He sits with them and Creampuff at lunch every day he doesn’t have to go to a practice at lunch time.

Stretch- He’s the guy chilling in the library, kicked up and napping behind the desk or reading, and the bookstore, kicked back behind the counter and napping or reading, and the student café, never with any food from the café, but either kicked back and napping or drinking honey. He’s never really seen in any classes except the one he PAs (professor’s assistant) for, and no one can really tell if he’s actually a student...? Except that he’s a PA, so... that means he has to be... right...? He comes into the class, points at the board and tells everyone to write it down, then turns on a prerecorded lecture or an educational video on the subject and chills at the professor’s desk, napping, drinking honey, or reading. How he met MC? MC went to pick up their books for their classes at the bookstore. He wasn’t even paying attention, reading some book, or something. When they brought up the book list, he didn’t even look at it, just told them what section was where. When they brought up their huge stack of books, he started ringing them up, but refused to sell them some of them without even looking at them. “ya don’t need that book. or that one. ya can get that one in the library. this one is garbage. yeah, i know the list has it on there, but ya don’t need it. ... what’s your major? yeah, ya don’t need that one...” MC left with about a fourth of the book list, and then, when they were able to go to the library to get the ones he’d said were there- he was there, too! MC was concerned that he was following them, but, he did work there, apparently... Halfway through the first semester, MC realized that Stretch saved them a bunch of money, and steered them right on all the unused books that had been added to the list.

Black- He’s the head of the ROTC (reserve officers training class). He wears his uniform every day, and, somehow, it’s always perfectly cleaned and pressed. He’s top of the sharp shooting team. Other students think that he’s a hard ass, or a recruitment officer... the few people he spends time with know how clever he is. He gets annoyed that the only people who get his sense of humor are his brother and some of the teachers. “YOU SEE, IT’S A JOKE ABOUT SCENT, BECAUSE MINT IS A SCENT, BUT ALSO, THE CHEMICAL COMPOUND FOR MINT IS THE MIRROR IMAGE OF THE CHEMICAL COMPOUND FOR DECAY, SO... FINE! YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY HUMOR, ANYWAY!” How he met MC? Black was ‘policing’ a party (making sure nothing got out of hand, no minors drank, as other students would say; no fun was had). MC was dragged there by a friend. They were doing their best to have fun, saw that everyone was avoiding Black, and walked up to where it looked like he was telling off a couple of people, but when they got closer they realized that he was telling a joke... if you could call that a joke...? Everyone listening just made confused face, MC, too, and when he started trying to explain the joke, everyone else just left. Black assumed that they’d be there to make fun of him, too, but when they asked him to repeat the explanation, and then the joke, even though they had to make sure what the punchline was supposed to be, they laughed. He looked stunned, but he fell in love when MC brushed off everyone else, telling him that they just weren’t smart enough to understand his joke, and too lazy to put in the work to understand it.

Mutt- He’s the one who everyone mistakes for goth. He’s not goth, he wears brown and orange, too, for stars sake... But apparently, wearing dark colors, regardless of the colors, along with having a lot of bone stuff, again, regardless of it being him, a skeleton, wearing a collar, and being a loner, who sits in the back and doesn’t appear to care about school or anything else, has put the label on him. He likes to not be surrounded by people, but... goth kids seem to flock to him...? He has no idea why... But, if he’s constantly getting lucky because some goths want to worship the symbol of death- he isn’t complaining. How he met MC? He’s one of their classes- not that they know. They’re too focused on actually learning and passing class, he’s in the back, snoozing and checking them out. They met him, because they were hanging out with Black. When he explained that they had a class together, MC was a bit confused, but after a minute, realized that they had seen his name on the roster. After that, Mutt sits next to them every day in class, flustering them beyond compare, and a bit confused why they haven’t decided to or accepted his offer to, jump his bones- nyeh heh. “bet i could get away with makin’ ya come in class. nyeh heh heh, aww, that look’s so cute on your face. so, what d’ya say? ready for me ta climb under the desk? naw, no one will find out. how d’i know? done it b’fore. never been caught, yet. nyeh heh heh.”

Axe- He’s the guy that was headed for greatness, somehow going to be top of his class and going to the highest ranking finishing college, for two separate fields- and then he had a burn out, and can’t be bothered to do much of anything. He almost seems like he doesn’t care about anything, anymore, including about if he ever graduates. His amazing double degree is long gone, and now his main hope of graduating is general studies. He works as a student janitor, and is usually hanging around in the halls, doing... something? He mostly sleeps through classes, and is a bit snappy to people who ask him questions, but those who he will actually spend time with know that he’s not so bad, under all the disillusionment. How he met MC? He mopped the floor, and had put a caution sign, not in the middle of the floor, but off to the side. MC was hurrying past and slid across the floor, and straight onto their ass with a yelp of pain. “heh. don’t ya watch where you’re going’? get inta too much of a rush, you’ll be dead before ya know it. heh heh.” When MC pulled themself up and brushed themself off, not even caring that he was chuckling at them, then joked about making an ass of themself, and not being sore about being the butt of the joke, he decided that they may deserve... more than the biting rudeness that he’d given at first, and will often see them walking around, always sparing a bit of conversation for them as he ‘just happens’ to be headed the same way.

Bun- He is in the Culinary classes and clubs, and in the gardening classes and clubs. He wants to be able to make his food from garden to table! He started a preserving club, and is the head of it, Axe is in it, too, but it has only a couple other members. He also took a place in the sewing arts club, and has made quilts and clothes that have won awards in the state and county fairs. He is surrounded by people in his clubs and classes who adore him. He was shy about his towering stature, thick glasses, and braces when he first came to the school, but the way his clubmates flocked to him when they got to know him made him realize that there’s nothing to be nervous about. How he met MC?  He was out gardening, with the gardening club, when one of MC’s folders had fallen from their hands onto the ground, thus sending papers flying in the breeze. One flew right to him and hit him in the face. He pulled it down to see MC running up to him, begging him to hold it. He did, standing when they arrived, watching the look on their face get more and more surprised the more he stood. “Here’s Your Paper. I Didn’t Mean To Scare You Or Anything... Oh- I- I Didn’t? A- A Hug- Just Because I’m Taller Than You...? O-OK!”

Dusty- He’s the one that is always called to the dean’s office when anything happens. He’s usually in the counseling office or dean’s office, but he is just as often in the computer lab or hidden in the library. It’s not that he has any reason to be in those places, but he likes to be away from people, and those are the places that people come the least. He was doing amazingly well in his major, but then tragedy struck and his brother died... He blames himself, and can’t get past his guilt. His teachers and counselor want him to get help, but he stubbornly refuses, insisting that he’s ok. He doesn’t even like spending a lot of time with his “cousins”, since a few of them remind him too much of his brother. How he met MC? He was sitting in the back of the library, just so happening to be in front of a book MC needed to get. The fact that MC sat down next to him, not just leaving and avoiding him, while even his own cousins would do that, made him more defensive. But, the way that they just sat there, filling the silence, talking about everything and nothing, refusing to leave him there alone, forced him to think that maybe- maybe there was still some good out there...

MC- MC is a normal student, who ran across all of the skeleton boys. They were good in some things, not so much in others, but their good nature and friendliness drew the skeletons to them- as well as the soul compatibility. Their ability to distance themself from others’ actions and take some teasing and jokes at their expense in stride really made some of the more difficult skeletons take notice. With the boys- They were glad when Classic finally managed to ask if they wanted private tutoring- they did, they needed more help than the adhd scatter of the study group. They love seeing Creampuff every day that he comes to lunch, because he’s such a ray of sunshine! When MC finally realizes that Red has stopped flirting with anyone but them, they actually say yes to going on a date with him, and have a great time. They are so glad to have Edge in their gym class, and hope that they stay in the same gym class all through college; it’s amazing to watch him exorcise, like a statue of the perfect Olympian come to life. They had no idea that Blue was interested in them when they met, and text him every day, though they do have more of an understanding on their interest in each other. MC was very irritated with Stretch in the beginning, but after the experience with books that first semester, they always go to him when a new book list comes out to make sure that they have only the books that they need and none of the extra bullshit. Despite Black having to explain most of his jokes, MC likes hanging out with him, and feels like it makes them smarter while they’re doing it, since he’s always explaining stuff! Mutt is a crazy thing they’ve got to live through at first, but then, when he relaxes back and chills out a bit, is fun to learn how to flirt with, and he’s only too glad to teach them. Axe really appeals to MC’s dark humor side, and they love trading jokes with him on the way to classes. They hope he manages to regain determination soon, and get his plans back together. MC thinks that Bun is the sweetest person around, anywhere! And loves spending time with him whenever they can. When MC found Dusty, they were concerned that if they left him there, he was going to commit suicide, so they just- didn’t leave. If staying there and showing interest, or even just making it so that the quiet didn’t fill his skull with the troubled thought that would lead him that way, it was easy to do.

Ask Masterlist?

[hatsukeii]

@justanne Ilysm you know that right

This is the best idea I’ve gotten in a while

Pixel hearts // Kenma Kozume x Reader

Word count: 2.1k+

Warnings: Cursing, but nothing more because this is a crackpot of fluff

Summary: It all started with a pixel heart, and the rest was chaos.

“Dude, hold on, I’ll send you a heart.”

“Waiwaiwait why? Those are way too hard to earn, pudding-chan you don’t have to!”

The class was dead silent, the classroom filled with boredom as students listened to their literature teacher ramble on about some Shakespearean bullshit. Kenma’s classmates paid no mind to the blond as he fiddled away on his switch, earphones in. Literature was boring enough on its own, however it was simply a pain in the ass to have the oldest, most physically crippled teacher on campus teach them. There was no doubt Kenma wouldn’t listen in class. He had other resources that could help him ace this subject like he always did anyway. What mattered more, was his farm that he had spent months building. In order to maintain its pristine condition, he had to water the crops, feed the animals, clean out the stables, furnish the barn, then visit other farms to collect social points, all while fending off critters and monsters from his own. It was quite the hectic schedule for sure, but in the end, it was all worth it.

“Bear-san, take it as a way of me sending my never ending love to you.”

Blushing, you peeked up from your lap, scanning your eyes around the classroom. Almost everyone had their nose in their phones scrolling through social media, texting each other, even watching some... interesting stuff. Your math teacher looked completely uninterested, sitting at her desk as she marked papers, not even sparing a glance at the students. The class was supposed to complete the entire worksheet that was on the projector screen, yet no one seemed to even have something as basic as a pencil in hand. Pressing your earbud deeper into your ear, you gulped down a mouthful of saliva, praying not to be seen with your console under your desk. Seeing the red pixel heart pop up on the screen, your actual heart melted, a dorky smile plastered on your face. Pudding-chan was always a nice person, gifting you with crops and animals, and this time a heart, the hardest known currency to earn in game, accompanied by his flirty way with words.

“Ah, I can already feel the blooming love in my heart, oh dear, please catch me when I fall-”

“What on Earth do you think you’re doing in my math class young (Y/N)?”

Fuck.

Stopping in the middle of your sentence, your heart dropped as you peered up, only to be met with the furious, unrelenting glare of your math teacher. Other students stared, their phones suddenly gone as if they were never using it in the first place. A couple of boys snickered from the next row, earning an irritated look from your extremely annoyed teacher. In your ear, you could hear Pudding-chan’s voice, now laced with concern. You mentally apologised for not being able to respond with your fuming math teacher confiscating your console.  

“Bear-san? Is everything okay?”

All he heard was a yell, before you were disconnected from the discord call. Cold sweat gathering at his temples, he thought of all the worst case scenarios. Were you kidnapped? Did your family take your console away and beat you? Oh shit, were you in an abusive relationship? Crap, were you being arrested? Was he never going to see you online again? Were you leaving him forever? This wasn’t the usual Kenma who was calm, analytical, and collected. You were the only other friend he had apart from Kuroo, there was no way he wasn’t worried out of his mind. The bell rang from the speaker across the classroom, signalling the end of class for students. Shoving the switch back into his bag, he grabbed his phone. Your status on discord now replaced with a grey circle, Kenma sighed in distress. Maybe you were just taking a break from gaming. Wait, that wasn’t a good thing either. Who was he going to game with then? You were the only person that managed to appeal to him in game, if you weren’t there, he’d be all alone in the world of Chubby Cows. He wanted you to stay with him. He knew he only enjoyed this dumb game because he was only able to talk to you whilst playing the game. If he lost you, he would seriously consider quitting the game and just never gaming again. He was about to sling his bag over his shoulder, when his teacher’s voice rang through the classroom.

“Class, we will be conducting a compulsory bag check. Students, please kindly unzip your bags and stand behind your chairs with your hands on your desk.”

Kenma’s eyes widened at the tricky situation that dawned upon him. Gaming devices were strictly prohibited in Nekoma High. He was only able to hide the switch from his teachers for so long because they never conducted bag checks. However, now that his console was comfily stuffed in his bag, there was no running from his inevitable outcome. Their literature teacher circled the classroom, checking every bag thoroughly. Not one tiny pocket was left unchecked. Teetering back and forth, the teen fidgeted with his fingers, watching as the teacher looked into the biggest pocket of his bag. Remembering that he put his switch in a hidden pocket of the bag, he sighed in relief. Squinting, the old man shuffled around his belongings, before walking away without any suspicions. 

That was when a notification decided to pop up on the console.

Hearing the cheery chime of the notification, the teacher looked back, digging his hand in and checking through Kenma’s bag again. The man harshly unzipped the hidden pocket, pulling out the red and blue switch. The class landed their eyes upon the blond, occasionally giggling at how bad Kenma fucked up this time.

“Mr. Kozume, what is the meaning of this?”

“Sorry.”

The bald teacher cradled his face in his hands, never once letting go of the console.

“That won’t be enough. Detention after school in the principal’s office with me. Don’t expect to get your console back if you even think about skipping it.”

“Yes, Mr. Nakamura.”

Zipping his bag shut, the blond pulled the strap over his shoulder, before grabbing his phone.

Familiar numbers were dialled on the screen as Kenma held the device up to his ear. 

“Yello- Oh, Kenma? What’s up buddy?”

“Hey Kuroo, I can’t come to practice today, sorry.”

From the other end of the line, Kuroo perked his brow.

“Huh? Why is that?”

“Mr. Nakamura found my switch. I have detention after school, so I’m gonna have to skip for today. Sorry.”

Sighing, the third year smiled softly, rolling his eyes a bit.

“As expected from Kenma Kozume, the game addicted teen. I’ll see you tomorrow, and don’t worry about practice.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

With that, Kenma ended the call, before grabbing his stuff and leaving in a frenzy. 

“Ah, young (Y/N), take a seat next to Mr. Kozume.”

You rolled your eyes, slamming your backpack onto the desk as you gave the old teacher a stink eye. Just mere hours ago, you were happily gaming with your online love interest- no, friend. Now, you had to sit through another two hours of nothing but schoolwork. From next to you, Kenma sunk in his seat, completely done with everything that had to do with this day. The both of you stayed silent, waiting for Mr. Nakamura to say something.

“Both of you are to finish the work missed during your maths and literature lesson respectively. If you finish before two hours, you shall stay in this room until the time is up.”

Groaning out of frustration, the two of you went to grab your worksheets from the teacher’s desk, before heading back to your seats and plopping down. Sneering at the jumble of algebra and equations that awaited solving, you ripped a pencil out of your pencil case, starting on the questions. Oh you were gonna finish it. You were gonna finish it at such a terrifyingly quick pace that your pencil would break. Anything to shy away from the horror that is maths. It didn’t matter if you still had to sit there for another hour or two, just anything to stop the torture.

“Yo.”

The pencil lead beneath you snapped in half as you stopped abruptly. Looking to your right, you were met with a pair of golden irises.

“What’re you here for?”

Shuddering at the memory, you composed yourself before answering, head hanging low in embarrassment.

“I got caught playing video games in class, you?”

Chuckling to himself, Kenma didn’t even wait to reply.

“Hm, seems like we’re both in similar situations. Mr. Nakamuda over there found my switch in my bag during the bag check. What game were you playing?”

“U-uh-”

You stuttered upon your own words. How were you supposed to tell him you played some stupid game like Chubby Cows? He was cute, definitely, and you didn’t want to look like a tasteless idiot in front of him. First impressions matter, you know? How were you going to explain that you had no friends in real life, but only had one close friend (that mind you, you were kind of whipped for) in game? Was he going to think you were a pathetic loner? Oh god, was he going to spread rumours about you being a basic weirdo-

“So what game was it?”

To hell with it.

“Chubby...Chubby Cows... PLEASE DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME, I SWEAR I’LL DO ANYTHING JUST DON’T TELL PEOPLE PLEASE THEY’RE ALL GONNA THINK I’M STUPID AND CHILDISH AND-”

Kenma’s eyes lit up as he took in this new information.

“Chubby Cows? You play it too? Oh my god, and I thought I was the only one in this school that played it! Too bad, I only have one friend ingame, or I’d be able to start my own cult!”

Responding with just as much enthusiasm, you rambled on, Kenma listening to every single word.

“Oh my god! Yes! It’s so underrated! Deadass it’s kinda dumb but like it’s so cute! I also have a friend in the game, he’s super cool, you should add me and we can play together sometime! It’s gonna be so much fun if you, me, and him started a cult together! Add me, what’s your username?”

You grabbed your notebook and a coloured pen, ready to jot everything down.

“Oh, mine’s puddingheadboy, what about yours?”

You let out a gasp, surprising Kenma. This was him? This was the one person you’ve been playing with all along? He was right in front of your nose the whole time? 

“Wait... pudding-chan?”

Furrowing his brows in confusion, Kenma tilted his head, waiting for you to explain.

“Wow, a nickname already? That’s what my friend calls me too-”

“DUDE! IT’S ME! BEAR-SAN! HOLY SHIT, YOU WERE IN NEKOMA ALL ALONG, HOW COULD I HAVE NOT GUESSED?”

The blond’s eyes widened in realisation as a grin spread across his face.

“Wait, you’re bearoncrack? Seriously?”

“YEAH!”

Kenma could not believe what he was hearing and neither could you. To think that fate somehow brought the two of you together was absolutely insane. Who would’ve thought that the world was such a small place? The two of you were practically shaking with excitement at this revelation, when Mr. Nakamura decided to ruin the mood.

“What are the two of you clambering over? There’s still thirty minutes to go, zip it and get to work.”

Rolling your eyes, you continued to work on the worksheets. This dude was a literature teacher? Seriously? He really just used the word clamber wrong, what a dunce. You were only halfway through the pile of math worksheets that was presented in front of your desk, but holy shit were you feeling absolutely fantastic now that you finally found out who your online friend of half a year was in real life. Feeling a piece of paper hit your head, you glanced towards the floor to see a crumpled paper ball. Picking it up, you read the contents of the note.

“(Y/N), right? I’m Kenma.”

Smiling to yourself, you grabbed your pencil, writing “Yeah, it’s great to finally meet you pudding-chan.” Under his text, before folding the paper back into an airplane and throwing it back at the blond. Seeing your response, Kenma went a light shade of pink, goofily smiling as he wrote something down hastily. You bit your lip in anticipation waiting for his response. To your excitement, you received a reply almost moments later, this time the ball of paper landing on your worksheet instead of the side of your head.

“I was wondering if you wanna go out sometime, I can’t wait to get to know you better, internet buddy Bear-san:D Maybe that way I can send you a pixel heart in real life><”

Tags:

@sunshines-and-tatertots @izzyphantomgamer @just-another-bored-writer @burnt-snot​ @bokutokoutarou​ @trashcanweeb​ @tiger1719​ @justachillgirl​ @inlwlevi​ @talks-a-lot-of-stuff​ @random-fandomlover​ @kaylacinderella​ @agentvicinity​ @sakusasgarbage​ @skyeackermans​ @ewfilthymundane​ @poppirocks​ @eleiaisagoodgirliswear​ @tiredgr3mlin​ @kuroo-thought-of-a-better-un​ @macaronnv​ @mariechan123​ @artsamber​ @itmekisuu​ @emsvegetables​ @sneezefiction​ @shoutsukii​ @xonfusedsoul​ @burnt-snot​ @iwaigroomi @swingflamingoat

Feel free to comment to be added to the taglist:3

Waaaaa Anne I hope you’re happy lmaoo 

Btw I hope you enjoyed reading this thing and if this flops oh my god I will cry thank you have a great night.

This goes in the short kings clan:3

[mc-slowwalker]

our vaccine rollout… I’m gonna cry. people refusing to get vaccines is so fucking annoying oh my god it pisses me off. over here we had anti lockdown protests where no one was wearing a mask in nsw where they have the most cases too🥲🥲🥲 We had a period of time where restrictions were eased a lot but I still wore my mask everywhere and will probably continue to. oh man I wish I could live on campus cause I get jack shit done at home but unfortunately I’m only on campus on two days cause going there by public transport everyday is not ideal

yeah I’m happy for the people that did get a good graduation because honestly we deserved it after the year we had😭

uni has just been so difficult. like last sem I let myself fall behind wayyy too easily and did like no work online and then stopped caring and it all just snowballed. hoping for a better time this sem but also uni starts today and I didn’t even realise until like 20 minutes ago so we’ll see. in my defence I knew it started soon I just thought it was sunday and not monday today. I’m blaming the fact that it’s cause so many of the streamers I watch are american so I just like accidentally go by american time sometimes. also you got this!! good luck on second year!!

yeah I really thought red rabbits weren’t gonna pull it off but they really brought it back!! and even besides that they were such a fun team to watch! I’m so happy for quackitys first win and him taking photos throughout was so sweet. sapnap keeping dream in check was so funny but also worked so well for them !! yes!! THANK YOU MICHAELMCCHILL!!! lmao dream going I’m going to assault a child was so funny. no you’re so right, if you’re in manhunts you’re automatically s tier. yeah it’s definitely interesting and the hunters definitely are better at teamwork. and they’ve like gotten better over time too. and dreams not as used to it cause he’s on his own and doesn’t have to keep track of a team. I love a good scuffed mcc!! it makes it all the more fun. noxcrew please never fix it <333

you are so right. absolutely amazing and very important analysis that c!tommy must do taxes and c!skeppy is a dentist. but also, wilbur lore today!! I haven’t watched it yet cause I was sleeping and probably won’t till later today cause uni but it looks interesting. plus it’s cc!wilbur it’s bound to be interesting

Fun fact tumblr is so broken that I physically couldn’t type here until I “filled in the blanks” in your ask. It was a joke at first (I started on the bottom) but now it’s stuck like that I think

America eased up a while ago and I can’t see them going back at it if delta picks way up. I’m pretty sure the governor of my state got stripped of a ton of his power because he made it illegal to not wear masks in stores. Yeah my whole family still wears masks and probably won’t be taking them off in public for a very long time. Also only two days??? That blows. And public transport is way less than ideal now

Yooooo good luck at uni!! I failed two classes in my first year which got me really fucked up but I know you’re gonna kill it this year! I start in a couple of weeks and god I have a lot of stuff to do before then. Also extremely funny because despite being american I only ever catch british people’s streams I’d get way too fucked up if I tried to watch american streamers too often thank god the feral boys never stream but also so sorry puffy and bbh.

I think noxcrew should add more glitches to mcc actually or at least the mcc server. It’s super broken anyways so I think they should go all the way the first thing I want in the mcx practice server: all barrier blocks removed. In the actual mcc I think each mcc should have one game where the barrier blocks (in the beginning too) do not work, and not only should the game be random, players cannot know when this glitch happens. i would also like to see a surprise body blocking round in hole in the wall. Just to spice things up. Off topic but if/when ponk gets to play in mcc I’d like to see him team with hbomb I think it would really help ponk come out of his shell a bit

I missed the first half of wilbur lore so I have to go back and watch it too but I’m a huge fan of c!wilbur go off you funky little dude

Edit: it didn’t keep any of the stuff I put so pog but also tumblr why just let me type normal

[the-shiftshop]

Hey Diary - Part 2

PART 1 of the Hey Diary Series

Monday came and I can finally experience my new life at school. It’s been about 3 days since my transformation from a total nerd into this campus crush, and my last usage of that Diary App in this phone. My heart is beating fast at the thought of how people would think of me in this new body. I’m super excited yet nervous of what may happen.

You see, I may have gained this heavenly figure and this new reality, but I did not get any memories for it. I have no idea who my new friends are. Still, I need to get to school and I should at least try and keep an act until I know what the heck is supposed to happen, but before that, I need to keep my online fans updated. I took a snap of myself in the mirror and posted it on my feed, then I went straight to school.

Stepping into the gate already gave a new feeling. Everyone was looking at me and every time I look back, they would shy away. There were other people who waved at me but I have no idea who they were.

I went to my locker to grab my stuffs for our first class. As I do so, I saw Keith on the other end with his friends, Peter and Tom, glaring back at me.

He have my phone in his hand. It’s still the same bully but without his daily routine of pushing my face to my locker door.  He walked pass me taunting me with my phone, then proceeded into our room.

I bit my lips in annoyance. Guess, I still have to deal with this guy.

“Heeeeeeey, Felix.”

Someone tapped my shoulder and I jumped on my place. “Ah-” I almost screamed.

“A little jumpy today, aren’t we?” The guy asked as I turned around.

I was kinda expecting it was Keith but when I looked, It was Alex, my new friend. Well actually, he’s supposed to be my friend since the first day in this school, but in this new reality. I remembered his name because he was the one who kept bugging me last Saturday night in my DMs. He has a bit stocky body, but its not that bad. He wears thick square glasses that enlarges his deep black eyes. If I could comment, I’d say he’s almost the same level as my old body but that’s only basing on his looks. As for what I saw in his timeline, he’s not really that kind of a nerd. He barely even studies and complains on his feed too much. He’s a very friendly guy in my class, actually, but that didn’t make him an easy target for Keith.

He smiled at me and was sucking in air as if he’s trying to pull some question out his chest.

“You’re bout to ask something?” I raised my eyebrows and he nodded.

“Well... Apparently there’s this thing online... It’s uh...” He kept cutting his words, hesitating to ask me something.

I guess I know what it was. I gritted my teeth and looked away.

“Lemme guess. There’s a rumor spreading about me, right?” I said.

“Well... Yeah...”

“Damn, dude. Whatever that may be, do you think I’ll do that?” I said. My body cringing when I tried to act cool and say “dude”. “Anyway. Let’s just get in class”

We started walking to our classroom door. He kept on talking to me, mostly about trying to workout to get rid of his belly. I also learned that he happened to befriend me because he thought I could give him a few advice in working out.

When we entered the room, everyone was also looking at me. Not with disgust but admiration. Everyone said hi to me except Keith and his crew who were laughing to themselves.

“Yo faggot.” Keith called me. “Did you get your morning suck today?”

He and his crew laughed louder. Where did they get that from? I never wrote that in my old phone? I furrowed my eyebrows at that thought. They’re probably just making things up without really basing on my old diary.

“Hey idiot. Do you think anyone’s gonna believe that?” A girl raised her voice at Keith.

“Well, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Felix himself if what I’m saying ain’t true.” Keith laughed, making everyone look more annoyed than myself.

I sat down to my chair with Alex now sitting beside me. Our first professor went in and began his lectures. As for me, I was busy tinkering with the Diary App. If the Diary App helped me last time, I bet it can help me more today.

With my eyebrows still furrowed, I began to stealthily type without the teacher noticing.

Monday

Hey Diary,

I wish whatever that thing about me that Keith and his crew tried to spread would backfire to them.

I tried to save this in hope that the changes would happen immediately, but a pop up appeared.

ALERT: Input too short

I tried to type again but this time, I tried to lengthen my sentence. Still, the alert kept appearing.

I heard our professor clear his throat and my attention jumped to him. He caught me using my phone. I smiled and chuckled.

“Phone.” He said, pointing to me.

“Yeah, I’m sorry Mr. Dew. I-”

“Put it back to your bag, now.” He ordered and I quickly followed.

I was lucky enough that it didn’t get confiscated. I put my attention back to his lectures and jotted down notes.

Why wont my log work though? What does it mean by “Input too short”? Whatever it is, I might need to fix that when I have free time. I shouldn’t go back to that in class or I might lost my new phone too.

--

Lunch break. I was with Alex in the cafeteria. Some other girls wanted to sit with me but Alex kept on telling them that he seats are taken. He would eventually chuckled at me and ask if I never get tired of people following me anywhere I go. I would just laugh back, remembering that this is my first day in this new life. As I tried to take a bite on my food, I saw Keith his friends across the cafeteria. He was still looking at me. Glaring at me. I then looked away, showing a bit of annoyance again. I then pulled my phone out my pocket and came back to my Diary App.

Input too short, huh? Well let’s put all our hearts in this log.

Monday

Hey Diary,

Keith and his friends are spreading fake news about me again, although I have no idea on what that is about. They might’ve been spreading news about me being gay or a cocksucker. Whatever that may be I don’t think I can’t stand them this time. I’d be fine if they spread something real about me, something I’d be too guilty to fight back, but if they spread something I never did, I might not get a grip of myself.

I wish whatever they told everyone would backfire to them. I wish Keith and his friends would live the rumor they had spread.

I clicked saved and went back to my food, but as soon as I try to bite, my vision started to blur once more. Alex seemed to notice what’s wrong and tried to shake my shoulders while calling my name in panic. I tried to shake my head and blink fast but it made me lost my sight much faster. Soon, I blacked out once more.

--

I groggily opened my eyes and rose up where I was lying. Then I realized I was back in my bedroom. It was night time and my lights were dim. I looked to my right and saw dad sitting on my chair.

“Dad?” I called.

“Oh you’re awake! This friend of yours called me to school telling me you passed out. The nurse said you probably ate something bad and passed out. You were puking hard in the clinic this afternoon and I was super worried. I thought I’m gonna lose you too...”

“Dad. I’m okay. Don’t worry.” I tried to comfort him.

“I’m glad you are...” He came to me and gave me a hug.

“Is Alex still here?” I asked.

“Alex? Oh, well... It wasn’t Alex who helped you. He probably coward out when you fainted and-”

“Wait? Then who-”

Before I ended my question, someone entered the room.

“Keith?” I looked at him with confusion. He was carrying a glass of milk and some cookies which were probably from my dad.

He looked at me back with this dumb grin on his face and put his glass on my table. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m just gonna leave you two be. Enjoy that cookie, Keith.” Dad went out my room, leaving me and Keith alone together.

My eyes widened at the sight of Keith. Out of all people, Keith was the one to help me? I puffed out air in disagreement. I just looked away from him as he munch on his cookie. He then pulled a chair and dragged it near my bed. He first finished his food before he talked to me.

“Dude. I just can’t leave you dying there. I saw everyone just standing around you. Admiring you instead of actually helping you.”

“Like I should believe you. Alex could’ve tried to help me.”

“Alex? Dude was so paranoid he can’t even dial your dad.”

We were silent for a while as I try to ignore him. I grabbed a schoolbook from my nightstand and pretended to read, wishing him to go away.

“Felix. I know I did a LOT of bad things that not only affected your physically, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t help you when you need it.” I noticed that his tone was a lot different than how he used to talk to me. “And... I just wanna say I’m sorry.”

I closed my book hard at those words. He’s actually apologizing...? He grabbed my arm and shook it slowly.

“Could you take my apology?” I pleaded.

“What do you want? Is this some sort of a prank? What? Are you trying to film me and use this for blackmail? Where’s your camera?”

“Felix can you just listen to me? Do you think I’ll go this far just to bully you?”

“Yeah? Why not? Just tell me what you want and let me go for fuck’s sake.”

“Let me suck your dick.”

My eyes widened. Bigger than what I did when I saw Keith enter my room. Did he just ask me to let him suck me off? I whipped my arm to make him let go. I looked at him with my face clenching. What he said just made me mad.

“Fuck off Keith. I’m not gonna be a part of your show. Get rid of your camera and get out.”

He shook his head and laughed. His laugh isn’t those typical sinister sounding one that you’ll hear when villains get exposed for their crimes. It was more of a sad chuckle when someone gets rejected. He reached for something in his jacket’s right pocket. From there he pulled out my old phone and gave it to me.

“If there was a hidden camera here, what would I use it for? To stain my reputation too? I’m sucking you off then what? Tell everyone that: Hey guys! Felix let me suck his dick! Dude... I'm the one desperate here.” He tried to convince me. His eyes looked different from before. There were stars in his them. There’s seriously something wrong. “Do you still think I’ll go this far just to ruin you more? I’m sorry if I spread false rumor about you. I’m really sorry... Now if you still can’t accept my apology, I guess this would make you feel much... much... much better.”

Before I knew it, he was already grabbing my crotch as he tried to unzip my jeans with his other hand. I moaned and my cock is already hard. He unbuttoned my jeans and proceeded to caress my pole. His eyes are locked with mine. He was so close and I can feel his hot breath on my cheeks. He’s too near and it looks like he’s about to kiss me. He pulled the garter of my boxer and without any second thoughts, he pulled my rock hard cock out and started jerking it off. I realized that I wasn’t stopping him at all. I then moved my hands to his arm, trying to get it off.

“Keith... Stop.” I moaned when he squeezed it hard. My back tried to arch forward but he pushed me back by diving his lips onto mine. He removed his jacket off, probably because he was in heat.

Keith moved on top of me. My legs in between his. His right hand was still stroking my shaft while his left hand is under my shirt, moving it from my abs up to my chest. When he reached my chest, he pinched my right nipple which made me open my mouth. He took the chance to push his tongue in my mouth, trying to intertwine with mine.

My hands are still trying to stop him, but this time I placed them on his chest. I tried to push him away but he’s too strong. That’s when I noticed how muscular his body was. By some chance, my body was moving on its own. My left hand slowly moved down to his abs, feeling his cobblestone collection. My body start to relax as he continued to kiss me. There’s something therapeutic about what Keith’s doing to me. I can’t stop him anymore. My body already gave in as if it wants Keith without my own accord. Before I knew it, I was already kissing back with my tongue, although a second after that, he broke our kiss and proceeded to stripping my shirt off. He started worshiping my body. Giving each muscle a peck from my neck, to my arms, to my chest, to my abs, then finally to my crotch. Without any hesitation, Keith placed my cock on his mouth and started sucking me off. My hips responded by thrusting into his mouth. My hands on his shoulder. My breath became heavy. My arousal skyrocketed. Every time my cock grinds on the wall of his mouth was euphoric. This made me realize that my body is very sensitive. Every time he pulled and dove back down made my body twitch in every direction.

“Faster.” I can’t believe I’m saying this. My body is enjoying Keith so much. I can feel my balls starting to churn.

“I’m near.” I whispered. My hands migrated to his hair, pulling it as my body tensed.

“I’m gonna cum.” I said.

I released my load into Keith’s mouth. I came with what seems like a much bigger load than what I can originally do. He then swallowed them all and took a a big exhale as if he just took a soda. He smiled at me and placed my softening cock back in my pants. He zipped my jeans back up and buttoned it. He left me topless, recovering from my euphoric phase.

He gave me one last kiss and I kissed back. He chuckled and moved back.

“Guess you forgive me now?”

He then got off me and picked his jacket from the floor. He walked back to the door and grabbed his glass of milk.

“Thanks for the milk. See you tomorrow.” He opened my door. “Oh and... Can we still go back to me being your bully? But I guess this time... We can call ourselves frenemies.”

With that, he went out my room. He didn’t grab anything else. That means he meant that... He meant that!?

My new phone suddenly pinged. I grabbed it and saw the notification from the Diary App once more.

Wish was completed. Please take a picture and attach to the log to confirm change and to keep the new reality.

I didn’t know what to do aside from standing up, going out my balcony and aiming my camera to Keith who was already walking away from home, but I wasn’t able to take a picture of him since he was already too far to be seen.

Maybe tomorrow, unless this all reset when I sleep. This might be a problem.

[aquarianlights]

Happy Personal Update Time!!

I know I promised to do this forever ago, but things got busy. So here I am!

Most of you know this is my personal blog, but it has become a lot less personal since pursing medical education. I’m still here, though, and I still love coming here to read all the asks I get and interact with all my followers and all that good stuff. What I really miss is being able to post text posts. They have always been my way of venting and letting go of inward pain, anger, frustration, etc... Text posts/ranting have always been super cathartic for me. But my life is great now and I’m happy to just jump back in to give a long overdue update every once in a while because I miss doing it and I know I still have longtime followers somewhere in that list of people. Haha. Exciting stuff is happening, though!! And I’m very excited to share it, as well.

SO.............this is gonna be long because THERE’S GREAT STUFF HAPPENING!! :D AND I WANT TO SHARE IT ALL!! I hope someone will read this coz man oh man have I come a long fucking way from the whiny little drug addicted suicidal little boy I used to be. Haha. :)

This fall semester is going to be just lovely. I’m going to have the opportunity to work with one of the clubs I’m joining to teach high schoolers how to properly do dissections. I’ll be taught how to properly clean equipment like microscopes and auger plates and such. And I’ll be working alongside a couple of my professors and other club members to mentor high schoolers in some cool biology stuff. :)

The other night, I finally got official international membership with Phi Theta Kappa and also got international membership with the Omega Nu Chapter. I’ll be receiving all that good proof stuff soon like certificates and such, but the reason I’m primarily excited about that is because that opens me up to a TON of scholarship opportunities. Both of those societies give out a fuckton of money every year for academic achievement and with me transferring schools, I’m hoping to be lucky enough to snag some of that.

One of my professors recommended me for a student council officer position and I found out recently that he spoke with another professor in the same department that had me as a student and she got on board with that, but I’m not entirely sure I want to go that route because while I was writing up my essay to submit to the current SGA explaining why they should choose me for one of the officer positions, I really didn’t feel all that passionate at all about it, so I’d much rather someone with a passion for the position have it, but it made me feel good that my professors have that kind of faith in me. I’m still debating on it, though.

Another professor of mine submitted my name for an internship position with a student partnership that eventually leads you to an invite-only online community where you can be set up with more internship opportunities and helps to make connections in your field and all sorts of stuff. The internship has a $200 stipend for the first semester that you do it and a $250 stipend for every following semester that you do it. 

I was going to try it out with her this summer semester, but I had *NO* idea there was so much involved. By the time I had completed my 10 hours of training, I was in shock by the amount of work I was going to need to do to prepare for the role so I’ll actually be taking it on for the first time during Fall semester instead of summer, which is annoying because part of this internship requires you to make a short presentation in every one of the classes that the professor has that term for the students their class (and any other professor in the department who uses the software who may need you), record said lecture and put it up on canvas with the professor for anyone who missed the 1st day of class and for any online classes, be open for any questions after the presentation from both the students and the professor, hold at least 2 hours worth of office hours during the first week, and a *TON* of other stuff that happens prior to the semester before this and after this throughout the semester that would take forever to list. This is annoying that I am having to start in the fall because summer semester has less than HALF the students that fall has. There’s barely anyone there in the summer at all and summer classes are usually very laid back. The teachers are so chill in the summer and usually don’t care much, whereas the Fall semester is serious business and there are TONS of incoming freshman all confused about where they are going and everyone is lost and in a hurry and nervous and it is just total chaos literally everywhere on any campus you go to. So we really wanted to test this out during summer, but there’s just no way. The amount of representatives I have to meet and sit down with and hash out certain details with prior to even making this presentation is going to take me at least a couple weeks and summer semester starts next week. Lol. I only had like 3 weeks from the time my professor submitted my name. Was not nearly enough time.

It’s a very overwhelming internship and the work is... daunting. I mean, it is going to be a *LOT* of work and it is something I have never done before and it will be a style of leadership that I have never had placed on my shoulders before, but everyone has to take that first step at some point in their life. I hope I can do it. I’m going to try... I won’t say I’m not nervous about standing in front of a lecture hall full of students... but I’m probably not as nervous as some would be. I used to hold rally’s in my town square when I was younger to inform the public on the dangers of puppy mills, so I’m quite comfortable with public speaking, but I will say that it has been a good minute since I have done it and I have never stood up in front of a lecture room full of college students who are the same as I am and tried to pretend to know exactly what I’m doing. That’s a little scary to me. Ngl. Lol.

I’m going to be taking American Sign Language as a fluff class to boost my GPA, so I’m really excited about that because I’ve been wanting to learn it really badly. Just wanted to throw that in there haha. :)

That’s about it for the really BIG things for Fall Semester right now, not including like... the normal hard classes, graduating and switching uni’s soon and stuff. Which I’m super excited about!!

BUT!!...This summer is gonna be lit as well!

I got a volunteer position that I’m going to be in orientation for sometime soon (I think next week is what she said) where I’m going to a local shelter and all I’m doing all day is walking dogs, socializing dogs (basically playing with them and getting them comfortable around humans and other dogs so they’re more adoptable), bathing dogs, and basic training (sit, stay, etc...). It is basically my DREAM volunteer position!!

I just remembered reading an article at one point that said “most people don’t know that shelters really need people to just walk the dogs because regular volunteers usually don’t have the time”. And I remembered volunteering at the Humane Society when I was more able bodied than I am now and that was not something I could do now. It was much too physically taxing. Cleaning kennels, washing over 100 dog bowls in a massive sink that I had to stand on a stool to reach, washing tons of worn out dog blankets and toys, carrying heavy loads of laundry, carrying heavy water dishes out to the play yard, filling up buckets and carrying them, scrubbing the floors with a scrubber thing, etc etc etc... like, I could barely do it as able bodied as I was then. There was no slowing down because you had to rotate the dogs out and you only had a certain amount of time to clean the few bowls and toys/beds/towels we had and only a certain amount of time to power wash/spray down the kennels they were in. It was very very fast paced work and one large break in the middle of the day and I had to leave early and I know I could not do that now. Not in a million years. 

Dog walking is something I can do with any size dog. Dog washing is still something I can do and something I have done professionally many times in the grooming industry. Dog socializing is wonderfully cathartic for me AND them. And I’m quite good with basic training, despite what it may seem with Echo...lmao (he just hasn’t been around consistency, which is a huge problem).

So I’m very very excited to get through my orientation and get started on this volunteer position! They were so kind and said that my physical disabilities would be no problem and they could work with me on my pace. I’m really looking forward to this and I’m hoping I can maybe fit it into my schedule when school starts up, even if I have to cut it down to just a couple hours, one day a week.

AND THEN........

In my PERSONAL life...

I’ve made a really cool circle of friends who isn’t intertwined with one of the most toxic people in my life that I really love and will most likely keep in my life forever because I truly believe they can unlearn the toxic behaviour and they’re one of my platonic soul mates. So I now have this really awesome circle of friends that I’m experiencing and learning all these new things about myself and about New Orleans and I keep getting closer with them.

((I may or may not post a rant I wrote up about that, coz it’s painful to talk about. And this is a happy post so it doesn’t go here!!))

I’m learning how to cook through one of those friends. I don’t have enough money to throw at a Hello Fresh subscription, but one of my next door neighbours in my apartment complex has turned into my really good friend and she has a Hello Fresh bi-weekly subscription and it usually is a 2-serving dish and we both live alone and we are both learning to cook for the first time, so we are doing it together. :D She invites me over to her apartment whenever she’s cooking and we’ll just muddle through learning how to cook together. It’s going to be a lot of fun honestly because I have SOOOOO much to learn!! :) Recently got a NutriBullet so I can make protein shakes, but I need to look at recipe’s coz mixing protein powder with just milk or water is awful. Ugh.

I’ve made up my own 30 day challenge for exercising and basically just becoming more healthy and getting my heart and muscles in better shape. June has 30 days so I figured what better way to do a 30 day challenge than on a month that has 30 days lol. Easy to keep track of, right? I made myself a chart and put it on my fridge and everything. Going to keep a log. I’m very excited to see the difference between day 1 and day 30. Going to take pictures for comparison. Idk if 30 days will make that big of a difference, honestly but... we’ll see??? Lol.

I guess this should go up in the school section, but I’m also working on quite a few scholarship entries so we’ll see how that goes!! I had NO idea so many easy essay scholarships were out there!! Keeping it to 1k words is the hard part. :( Eeeeeeeeeeep!!

Been studying for the MCAT’s and tryna find a medical math tutor. It’s gonna be hard, but... we’ll see. Hopefully the MCAT prep classes will help.

I’m in love with deep cleaning and organizing and my neighbour is gonna pay me to clean her apartment and then I’m going over to her mother’s house that she’s renting out (her mother passed away recently and she couldn’t handle staying in the house anymore) to help her Marie Kondo the place. We’re just gonna kind of... go at her own pace, slowly thank everything for doing its job, and get rid of everything that we can and deep clean everything while we are doing it. Probably just take it a day or a week at a time. I’ll be there with her to support her through the process...like if she needs to cry on someone when she sees a certain item or something. I’m excited to help with her journey to recovery and I’m so honoured to be given the chance to be someone’s rock. I love the bond me and my neighbour are developing. I just feel so honoured.

I’m going up to my parents house, then up to Virginia, then hopefully MA towards the end of the summer. Looking forward to the trip quite a bit. :)

HONESTLY... 

I’m just so freakin’ excited. My life is going so wonderfully. Everything is so great. My apartment is wonderful, my relationship with my mom is on the mend because of how well in school I’m doing (you all know that��s all she cares about lol), I have wonderful friends and a great support group, my therapist and I click really well, I’m making opportunities happen and having opportunities open up to me in return, I’m meeting new people and seeing new things, I’m feeling physically healthier than ever (even though my chronic pain is worse than ever), I almost always wake up in a good mood, I’ve been getting a good amount of sleep almost every single night, school is good, connections in the professional world are growing... 

The ONLY thing holding me back right now is money. I’m pretty much living paycheck to paycheck and it is killing me. The amount of things I *WANT* to do but don’t have the money for is just killing me. I’ve been wanting to take dance lessons, but I don’t have the money. Been wanting to sign up to a yoga studio and FINALLY found one IN MY AREA(!!) that had instructors trained in dealing with people with ehlers danlos syndrome (which is crazy coz lots of yoga instructors turn me away when they hear I have ehlers danlos type 3), but I can’t afford it. 

I can barely pay my rent. :| I’m lucky I have EBT, otherwise I literally would not have had any food over the past 2 months. I would have had to choose between having a roof over my head or having food, so thank FUCK I have EBT coz I have a full cabinet and fridge right now. Fucking bless. Lololol.

I’m just so content. There’s a lot of stuff going wrong here and there and a lot of stuff stressing me out, but OVERALL... I couldn’t be happier.

Things have really taken a turn in my life and I have been waiting for them to all come crashing down for 2 years now and they still haven’t and that’s amazing to me.

And there’s my update lol. Hope you enjoyed the Killian Chronicles.  😂 😂 😂 Love and missed you all!  😘

((PS: This has not been proofread and most likely never will be. Free-flow-thought writing is my specialty lol.))

[howtomusicmajor]

How to Make Friends in College

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One of the scariest things many people go through when they first get to college is the process of Meeting New People. If you’re really lucky, you may have one or even TWO friends from high school who attend the same college as you. However, an unfortunate fact of life is that even the best of high school friends will drift a little once they hit college, and trying to cling to someone is the best way to make them uncomfortable. Plus it’s important to have more than one friend. So even if you’re SURE that your best friend from high school is both, A) going to the same school as you, and B) will NEVER EVER drift away from you, you should be prepared for the process that is getting to know folks. 

The first thing you should know is that freshman tend to clump together their first week. You’re going to meet a bunch of people during your orientation, and you will cling to them like they are life rafts in a vast ocean. Do not expect more than a few of these people to be your long-term friends, however. Most of the people you meet in the first week and Cling to are just as desperate for familiar people as you are, and in the long run, once you’re less frantic for human interaction, you’ll probably drift apart. I lucked out, and three of the people I met during orientation I still talk to, and that is at least in part because we all lived within a hundred feet of each other for two years. Your long-term friends will likely come from shared activities, majors, or living spaces, so don’t stress if you don’t feel like you ‘fit in’ in the first week.

With the above in mind, it follows that you should start to get involved in stuff on campus, to meet people who are interested in the same stuff as you. The thing to keep in mind is that college is different than high school when it comes to extracurriculars! In high school, a lot of people could be in six extracurriculars and sports at once, have a social life, and get good grades. That is not actually physically possible in college. Just because you’re ‘only’ taking 15 credits does NOT mean you’re going to have the loads of free time it looks like in your schedule. During your orientation, you’ll probably have the opportunity to go to a club fair or something similar, to see the opportunities for involvement on your campus. Sign up for anything that’s interesting, but I would recommend only actually attending meetings for two, or maybe three, at the most. You’ll find going to more meeting than that is going to burn you out quick, and then you’ll attend NO meetings, and then what’s the point.

If you’re even a little sporty, I would really recommend signing up for an intramural sport. Exercising in college is totally possible (it must be, the gym is always full at my school!), but I personally do not understand or possess the fortitude to convince myself to go use an elliptical for 45 minutes three times a week, much less have a daily workout routine. Joining an intramural is a good way to have a scheduled time to do exercise things with other people interested in the same exercise things, and disguise it with having fun. 

Also, when you are at your dorm, leave the door open! That is how dorm friends are made. When you hear people talking in the hall, you can stick your head out and comment. Early in the semester, people will often just try to grab as many people as they can to go to an activity together, and they’ll ask anyone with an open door. Go with those people. Do NOT just sit in your room playing video games all the time, though - that is a good way to signal that you aren’t interested in talking. Instead, watch a good show on Netflix (I met my now-boyfriend after my best friend invaded his room because he was watching Archer with the door open). Or go be the person who wanders around to talk to people (I met most of my current best friends because they went door to door and introduced themselves). 

Essentially, making friends involves two major things: being chill, and talking to people. If that sounds like a tall order, it’s okay! “Chill” is less of a mythical state of being and more of an awareness that people are Different from You and should not be stalked.

(Disclaimer: I mention the things here below because I have witnessed or been told personally about someone doing all of these things and they were extremely off-putting for everyone involved.)

Don’t blast music: I have very rarely felt as instant an enmity for someone like that which I feel for someone playing music at TOP VOLUME at 1 AM on a TUESDAY. If you’re living in an apartment or dorm, this is probably the number one most common way to annoy everyone on your floor and the floor above AND below you. You’re not showing that you’re cool and chill, you’re showing that you have an active disregard for anyone that has a job or an 8 am class the next day.

Don’t follow people! For what probably seems like a good reason to the kind of person to do this, sometimes a person will decide that someone else is their Best Friend, independently of that other person’s feelings or knowledge. The first person will then apparently decide that following the second person, or simply “randomly” showing up wherever they are, is the best way to make the second person realize that they are Best Friends. That is stalking, don’t do it. If you ever feel this urge, STOP, and consider either A: talking to the other person, or if you can’t do that for some reason then B: let the other person live their life without stalking them!

Again, I only included things that I have watched or been told about.

Don’t schedule your life around someone else’s: Don’t take classes just to have your free time line up with a friend or SO. Take classes because you want to take them, or because they are required for your major. If you and your friend can work together to schedule your free time to overlap, that’s great! But in this scenario, both you and your friend are aware that this is the point and both of you want to do the thing. It shouldn’t be a one-sided thing - that is either kinda creepy on your part, or a sign that your relationship is suuuuper one-sided.

Okay, now that potentially stalkery activities are out of the way, we can move into social skills!

Listen to what others have to say: People really, really like to talk about themselves. If you can be genuinely interested in people, you’ll have more friend than you know what to do with. Be an engaged listener - ask questions based off of something the other person said, interject your own observations to fuel their own point, stuff like that. 

On the other hand, sometimes listening to what others have to say also includes stuff like acknowledging the other person’s boundaries, and following through with them. That can include not being touchy with someone, respecting their study time by leaving them alone during it, not talking to them about certain topics they find uncomfortable, et cetera. 

Find a hobby that you can talk about: One of the easiest ways to make friends is by talking to them about a hobby you mutually enjoy. This can be video games, art, sports, politics (though that one can also make you enemies), and basically any other activity you enjoy. Having a hobby that others also care about is an automatic conversation starter, and a good way to bond with others.

Learn how to STOP talking about your hobbies: The thing is that a lot of people REALLY REALLY like their hobbies, to the point of those hobbies being their only conversational topic. While League of Legends or the care and keeping of aquatic snails is super interesting to you, there’s a good chance it is not as interesting to other people. A good rule of thumb is that if someone checks their phone, or starts staring off into the distance during the conversation, you should change the subject to something they might find more interesting. 

Accept that sometimes people are busy, or just don’t want more friends: Not every person that you try to befriend is going to be friendly back. Sometimes personalities just don’t mesh. Other times the person may be an introvert who doesn’t feel the need to go through the process of friendship with a new person. Sometimes people are just mean. None of this is necessarily a reflection on you as a person. If you feel like there’s something about yourself that is making it difficult to make new friends, then I recommend asking a trusted friend or family member for an honest appraisal. However, 9 out of 10 times, you’re either just trying to befriend people who don’t have the time, or you aren’t letting friendship evolve naturally. Both of those can be fixed by just Chilling Out.

There are a ton of resource online for improving your interpersonal skills! Body-language videos, conversation scripts, and online forums for your hobbies are all ways to improve your interactions with others. Take some time, and it will come.

[2centsofsilver]

8/7/17

This will be short because my melatonin is kicking in. I have officially been living in A2 since last Thursday (so, 5 days) and I don’t feel like I’m getting better emotionally. I survived my period which was just as bad as last month’s if not worse, due to suicidal thoughts and losing myself in my head. Now that I’m in A2, I’m still lost. I’m also lost physically because I don’t know my way around this town as well as I thought I did. I only live 1.5 hours a way from Kzoo, but I feel like I moved across the country. I have a few really solid close friends who I love so much. I didn’t see them very often before, but they were always still there. I don’t see them now, but why is the longing so deep in which I miss them? They haven’t gone anywhere. I didn’t move very far. I feel like I’ve been here months and it’s only been 5 days. I feel scared all the time and have been on the brink of crying the last 5 days, in parking lots. My therapist in Kzoo told me I won’t lose my need to often cry while having a roommate because she reminded me I usually do that in my car, but she also said she hoped I don’t need to cry as often anymore. She texted me a couple days ago to ask if things have gotten better, but I haven’t responded yet. People are so important to me, but how come I’m not important to them? Does anyone even care that I’m gone or lost? I fantasize about my suicide a lot. I think about... -People finding me OR surrounding me in a hospital bed -My best friends planning my funeral and contacting those who left me -Looking down on my celebration of life -Wondering whether or not dying would hurt the ones I love -Wondering whether or not they’d miss me forever, or only just at first -Wondering whether or not they truly want me to disappear -Wondering whether or not disappearing would do them a favor -Coming back to life, people having realized how much pain I’m in, and holding me really really tight I really need to find a counselor asap, but I don’t know about my insurance. It cuts off in 3 weeks and my new insurance starts then too. Therapy will only be covered if I see a U of M provider, but I feel stuck because I’m scared to drive downtown. I’m not buying a parking pass for campus, I’ll be relying on the public transit system. I don’t know how to ride a bus and I don’t have my m-Card yet. I have to get my M-card on campus, but I have to take the bus to campus, but I don’t know how to pay to ride the bus and I don’t know who can help me by trying it with me a few times. I feel like my roommate thinks I’m weird. I am trying so hard to be normal and nice. I really do feel I’m a super nice person. I haven’t created any drama. The only times I’ve talked about my depression were when I repeatedly kept not moving and staying at my parents’ house. And the other day I asked her about CAPS and finding a counselor and she was willing to talk to me. I just feel like she can see right through to how weird I am and what if she regrets choosing me? I hope I’m being impressive. I live in PT, which is SOOOO FAR from Central Campus/A2 in general. I live right on 12 which is M Ave. which leads you to 94 and 23. Don’t ask me how this road leads you to both expressways in the same direction. I get so turned around here. My perceptive map of A2 in my head is completely upsidedown. My friends Alex, Jess, Anna, Annie, Charlotte, Zach, Roopa, Andrea, Amber, Caitlyn, and Vartika all live here in A2. Specifically, Alex, Annie, Anna, Jess, Caitlyn, and Charlotte have been helping me a lot. Most closely, Alex and Anna. I don’t go to Jess very often because she doesn’t understand mental illness and it makes me feel inferior. So far I’m very sad and lonely here. I feel isolated and depressed every day. I am trying to get out of the house more and be gentle with myself. Now that my period is over, I am challenging myself to get things done on my to-do list. Today I enrolled in student health insurance, ordered contacts over the phone, contacted my employer with available hours, signed my student loan MPN, bought new gym shoes, bought a recycling bin, did laundry, showered, talked to Anna, got lost again in PT/Ypsi, online shopped for dishes/comforter/sheets/shower curtain, talked to my mom on the phone, made a to-do list, and decided I’d start at the gym this week. My roommate is so on top of life and I have depression and am barely keeping up. It’s definitely teaching me to be more organized, but I can only last so long. I need to leave my shit all over the floor sometimes, so I look forward to Wednesday when my brother brings my bed so I can just spend time in there crying and sleeping. I feel like my best friends don’t want to be friends with me anymore. Obviously, this is depression lying. I know it’s not true. What Anna doesn’t understand is that depression is NOT just literal thoughts- it’s actual feelings. I can’t say I have actual cognitive thoughts of “I want to kill myself.” It’s an overall feeling that has completely swallowed me day to day. HOW DO I ADEQUATELY DESCRIBE to my friends the deep painful twinges I feel inside my stomach? They get those too right? People know the feeling? Why do I want people to know so badly? I always feel like.. if people knew they could help me. Or love me a little harder. It all comes back to filling of that void I talked about in the “Getting High” post. To my best friends- I feel like I’m going to lose you. I’m sorry that I’m not doing well. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to turn to or what to DO. I feel a real urgency to get help and ACT every time I feel pulled under. I’m sorry that I’ve needed you so much in my short time here so far. I feel like you’re getting annoyed with me. I don’t know if that’s a depression lie or not. A2 is a place I used to like. I used to envision myself thriving here by partaking in progressive social movements and being myself. But I envisioned living in Kerrytown and making friends with ‘certain type of people.’ I don’t know what I did wrong, but I tried really hard to find a roommate and place to live. I didn’t fail, right?  Why do I feel like I made the wrong decision and got stuck here out of force and like that day came before I even knew what was happening? I don’t feel I’m on top of it enough to be successful in a Masters program. My depression is too severe. My period is over and it hasn’t gotten better. I really need to see a counselor asap. I don’t like A2 anymore because it’s SO associated with negative memories: Holly, NR (2 entities that hurt me), ABA, no Lake Michigan, and bustling Detroit traffic that makes me feel industrialized when I know I’m pure. I’m hungry all the time and feel like I’m trying to thrive in WHITE SPACE, like the background in “Harold & The Purple Crayon.” My roommate is so clean and organized and a responsible, functioning adult. I feel weird sprawling out on this couch, like I’m not allowed to or like it’s not appropriate or something. She owns every kitchen utensil in the world and knows how to use all of them. I eat icecream for lunch and pretzels for dinner. On the one hand, isn’t it healthy (if someone didn’t know me at all) that I’m seeking help as someone with severe depression?  Yesterday one of my good friends asked me, “Hey, have you ever considered that maybe you have a mood disorder?” YES- I have been 100% professionally diagnosed with Bipolar II and I take mood stabilizers. I know she meant well though. At this exact moment, I hate myself for being so self-consumed when writing about myself and talking to others. I remember back in the day, I was only wrapped up in the lives of others- helping others, being there for others. THAT’S STILL ME.  I already envision myself taking an academic, medical leave of absence for suicidal depression. Birth control cures PMDD, but causes blood clots, which kill you. So I have to just keep wanting to kill myself, in order to survive. Makes sense right? I miss my grandma and frequently wonder whether she thinks I’d be happy in Heaven.  I broke out in Hives a few weeks ago and my Dermatillomania has been like, the worst it’s ever been and my roommate wants to play tennis with me and I don’t know how to handle that. I feel like people who pull their hair and wear hats or draping clothes to hide their cuts or whatever. It’s all the same. I am NOT ready to start school in 3 weeks. I would feel more ready if I could sit down with an academic advisor, knew how to pay my tuition, knew how my loan works, knew where to go for orientation, knew were my classes and building were, knew how to ride the bus, had someone to go to the potluck with, etc etc. Maybe Alex would be willing to explore with me this week/weekend. Only 2 more nights of sleeping on a deflated air mattress. I’m sorry to the people I love for being a burden. Is it okay I love you? Is it okay you’re my best friends? Are these things okay with you? Dear Katie, Keep being strong. Your real self loves you, that’s me. I’m rooting for you all day every day. I’m who gets you out of bed each day. I’m who believes in you. I’m who responds to you when you ask mental questions. I’m the rational voice. I’m your comfort. I’m your immediate response when sometimes people can’t respond right away. Dear Katie, You are the strongest girl alive. You constantly do things every day that are hard and you always try and find something to smile or laugh about. Little things add up, such as the cashier at Whole Foods and the guy at Dunham;s too and the girl in front of you at Blaze Pizza today.  Dear Katie, I know things are hard and you want to die. But no you don’t. You want this pain to go away. You want to escape being a burden to others. I know it FEELS like you’re being annoying, but the people you feel you’re annoying are still here. I know you always think they’re always considering abandoning you. I know you feel you’re worth nothing in this world. But you are the whole world. You make your dreams happen. You believe other people are capable of achieving their dreams, too. Dear Katie, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for always listening to me and following me as your heart. I know things are hard for you all the time, but your will power sings songs of hope and compassion. You want to make this world a better place, but you are that better place, in this world. Dear Katie, Your friends and I love you very much. Keep holding on and love yourself. You are doing no wrong in desiring support. Your desperation will be addressed soon by someone who can help you. You got into the best school in the country and you made this happen; it didn’t happen accidentally. Dear Katie, Re-create yourself. You are the power of the universe. You have stars within you. Mrs. Urban is sending you these stars. Grandma is sending you smiles. The others in the sky are watching eagerly to watch your accomplishments flourish. Dear Self, Just keep going.  Love, Your Guiding Angel