#also still somehow got B's in all my classes that semester. somehow. possibly through pity-grades lmao

[sword-and-lance]

y'know it's a wonder I haven't had MORE weird medical shit happen to me tbh, like--a total lack of it, to the point I've not even been in a hospital since arriving on Planet Earth

...then again there's a few times I probably should've gone, in retrospect, but welp too late for THAT now (having a wild-ass pain tolerance is not quite the boon it looks like on the surface lmao)

[fallinnflower]

love lessons

lou x reader (fluff, college!au, tiny tiny bit of angst)

a/n: this was requested and got way out of hand. thanks to @dearbeommie for keeping me sane. uwu. 

You’re not a bad student. On the contrary, you’ve always done very well in your classes — unless it comes to learning new languages. 

You’ve tried it all. Journals, YouTube tutorials, hardcore studying. You just can’t seem to grasp a new language well enough to actually speak it to anyone, and that’s what’s starting to become an issue. Enough of an issue that you’re now sitting awkwardly across from your Korean professor in their office, with her regarding you with just enough pity to make you squirm. You don’t want her to pity you, you want her to like you and be impressed by you, because she’s one of your coolest professors on campus. 

“So, Y/N,” she starts, and you attempt to straighten your posture as you look up to meet her gaze. “Have you ever considered a tutor?” Your throat suddenly feels dry. Tutoring? Tutors might be helpful, but that means money you can’t really afford to spend—

“We have a Korean student who’s studying here for the semester. I’m his advisor for that time, and he’s also working with me as an assistant as part of a work award with his university. I think he’d be a good resource for you.” 

There’s a pause, and your professor leans back in her seat and chuckles,

“It’s free, since he works through the school. Would you like his email address?” You feel some of the tension leave your body, like helium from a week-old balloon. 

“Yes, please,” you respond, smiling. 

That evening, before you settle heavily into studying, you send an email to the address you’d been given with a little explanation and your usual schedule. 

You have a response by the time your head hits the pillow: Saturday, 11am, in the library. You’re oddly nervous. 

Two days later, on Saturday, you realize why you’re so nervous: first, you have no idea what this guy looks like; second, you’re about to embarrass yourself in front of someone your age. You glance around the library, looking for anyone sitting alone with a familiar textbook—

“Y/N L/N?” A deep voice says from behind you, sending a slight shiver down your spine. You turn, nose almost brushing against the chest of this person; hastily, you tilt your chin up and clear your throat. 

“Kim Hosung?” The boy’s lip twitches into a smile for a moment, and you can’t help but find him both extremely attractive and horribly intimidating — lucky for you, the slight roundness of his cheeks and somewhat large ears help to soften his features, although you’re still extremely nervous when he opens his mouth to speak. 

“Just call me Lou,” he replies, not unkindly, “Should we find a place to sit?” You nod curtly, following him to a booth. Despite the length of his stride, he seems to be conscientious of your own walking pace. You take a moment to catch your breath and take him in while he’s unable to see your face. 

First and foremost, he’s tall — tall and slender, except for his broad shoulders, with a slightly long but round face. His ears, like you noticed before, are a little big but covered partly by his dark, fluffily styled hair, but now you also notice the small black studs in them. 

To put it simply, he’s gorgeous and cute somehow, which is totally unfair. You suddenly wish you’d put more effort into your appearance. Lou chooses a booth in the back corner, and you take a seat across from him and immediately start digging all your materials out of your backpack. 

“So, Y/N,” Lou says, and you hate how much you like the sound of your name in his voice. “What is it you need help with, exactly?” You sigh, resting your chin in your palm and looking at him pitifully. 

“Everything,” you reply, and Lou chuckles and raises an eyebrow. “I can read Hangul pretty well, but I’m terrible when it comes to speaking or constructing more complex sentences. I just get choked up and forget everything.” You pick up and pen and fiddle with it, avoiding his gaze. 

“That would explain why Professor Lee mentioned your comprehension being good,” he muses, and you nod. 

“I just want to be able to communicate without looking like an idiot.” You glance up at him through your lashes and find him smiling at you, one side of his mouth lifted higher than the other. 

“Well, Y/N,” he starts, and you look up. Lou is full-on smiling now, “You’ve come to the right person.” You return his smile, albeit more shyly, as he begins to take out his own study materials. 

You have a feeling this might just work. 

Lou is an incredible tutor. 

Not only is his Korean understandably good, but his English is impeccable. You’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to ask about it, but after only a couple study sessions you aren’t sure you qualify as anything more than an acquaintance he smiles at in passing. It startles you how your curiosity keeps growing the longer you know him — every time you have a session, you clam up about anything but your class and assignments. 

One day, after Professor Lee had handed back your first ‘A’ assignment in her class, you drop by the cafe before your study session and make the decision to order two iced americanos. You have no clue how Lou likes his coffee, so you stuff a couple sugar packets in your backpack and make your way to the library. 

One advantage to Lou: he’s tall and extremely easy to spot in a crowd, even sitting down. There’s a smile growing on your face as you approach him, and with his earbuds in he noticed the coffee you slide into his line of sight before he notices you. 

Lou smiles crookedly, an eyebrow raised, and you take a sip of your coffee. 

“What?” You ask, feigning innocence. He chuckles. 

“What’s this for?” You can feel yourself beaming. 

“Just think of it as a token of my gratitude,” you reply, shrugging and fiddling with your straw. “I got an A on Lee’s assignment.”

“Ah,” he says, leaning back. He crosses his arms and seems almost smug, “So that’s why you’re in a good mood.”

“I’m always in a good mood!” You huff, although you know that’s most definitely not true — really, you just like being playful around Lou. It almost makes it feel like you’re friends, and you definitely wouldn’t be opposed to that. Or more. 

“Sure,” he chuckles, and you roll your eyes. Lou starts to take out his materials, and you falter for a moment as you do the same. Maybe it’s because you’re in a good mood, or maybe you’re riding the high of this banger you two have, but you’re just itching to ask him—

“Hey, Lou,” you start. “Can I ask you something?” He glances up, looking confused, but nods at you. 

“How'd you get so good at English?” You ask, and then, immediately, begin backpedaling. You cover your face with your hands. “Sorry, that sounds kind of offensive, doesn’t it? I just — your grammar might be even better than mine and I know English is a hard language— that doesn’t sound any better— just, just forget—“ 

You’re interrupted by Lou’s good-natured chuckling once again, and peek out from between your fingers to assess the situation. 

“I’ll take the compliment,” he says. “My family and I lived in Atlanta when I was little, if that helps clear it up.”

“Oh,” is all you can manage to say, still embarrassed by your question and subsequent overreaction. Lou just smirks at you and takes a sip of his americano before getting down to business. 

“So, looks like you’ll be working with chapter 5 this week...”

You let your eyes linger on him for a moment too long before flipping to the correct page in your book. You decide you’re going to make Lou your friend by the end of this semester. 

Making Lou your friend is actually not as hard as you thought it would be, especially considering he’s as relaxed as he is. He’s also easy to spot on campus, so all it takes on your part is to walk a little faster across the quad between classes and soon you’re seeing him on almost a daily basis. Although you don’t have classes together, your path converges more with Lou’s, your schedules beginning to sync. He’ll sometimes wait around for you when he knows you two can walk together, and the two of you take turns paying for coffee when you go to the cafe together. 

The only downside to making Lou your friend is that he becomes significantly more charming once you get past his somewhat aloof, intimidating exterior. Not that he had ever seemed particularly cold to you, more that he just seemed unapproachably cool for someone like you. 

Which isn’t true. He’s a dork, in probably the purest possible sense. He just happens to be a handsome dork. 

The next week at tutoring, you can feel yourself getting nervous. It’s the last session you have before your midterm, which is going to seriously affect your grade; Lou knows this, and he doesn’t seem the least bit concerned, meanwhile you can’t stop chewing on you straw just to have something to do. Your distress must be extremely palpable however, because Lou sighs and pokes your forehead so that your face moves away from your straw. He keeps the pad of his index finger pressed gently against your skin as his dark eyes meet yours. 

“Alright, Y/N, you’re clearly having trouble focusing,” he starts, and you blush. “So I’m going to strike a deal with you. If you get above a B- on this midterm, I’ll take you out for Korean barbecue, okay?” 

Well, you think, who are you to say no to free Korean barbecue with your very attractive tutor-turned-friend? You find yourself grinning at his offer. 

“Deal!” You chirp, and Lou chuckles as he lets his hand fall away from your face. 

“Time to get studying then, Y/N.” 

And, well, who are you to say no to that, either? 

You waltz into your next study session with Lou feeling as though you’re walking on air. He smiles at the bright look on your face, gazing up at you expectantly as you approach the table where he’s seated. 

“Guess who got an A,” you sing, plopping leaning over the table. Lou laughs and, surprisingly, stands up. 

“Well done.” You give him a questioning look as he slips his backpack on his back, and for the first time you realize he’s had no study materials out all this time. 

“What?” He asks, laughing. “It’s time to eat.” You cock your head to the side as you slowly follow him out. 

“But... but what about our session?” You ask, and he turns back to look at you with an almost devilish smile. 

“Consider today a real-world test, Y/N. You’re gonna order our food.” You pout and let out a huff, which leads him to ruffle your hair as you pass by him through the doorway. 

“Fine.”

The two of you spend the bus ride in relative silence, except for when you nervously ask Lou questions about ordering food and proper etiquette. He answers all your questions good-naturedly, patting your shoulder to reassure you you’ll be fine. He leaves his arm around you, but you hardly even notice because you’re too busy rehearsing the basics of how to order food politely. It feels like grade school all over again, like you’re rereading your assigned passage before your turn comes up so you don’t stutter. 

When you get off the bus, it’s colder than you thought it would be. The sun has already begun setting and you hadn’t expected an outing tonight, though you feel a little foolish for not thinking of it. You’re interrupted in the midst of scolding yourself by Lou tapping your shoulder, and when you turn you nearly get hit in the face with the hoodie he’s been wearing over an unbuttoned flannel and a t-shirt. 

“Thanks,” you murmur, feeling a little embarrassed as you let him help you into his hoodie. He chuckles at the way the sleeves fall past your fingers, and you swing your arms back and forth slightly to showcase it even more, joining him in laughing. Eventually, Lou takes the initiative to head to the restaurant, and the nervousness you had all but forgotten comes back with a vengeance as the establishment comes into sight. Probably sensing your nerves, Lou greets the hostess for both of you; you hear him say his own name, and once you’re both seated you look curiously at him. 

“Did you make a reservation?” You swear you see the tips of his ears turn red, even as he shrugs nonchalantly. 

“I knew you’d do well. Besides, once I mentioned barbecue I decided I had to get some either way.” As always, he acts cool, but you feel yourself grinning at his little act of kindness. You have no doubt he would have brought you regardless of how you did, but it’s nice to know he had faith in you. 

After a few minutes of perusing the menu, you test your pronunciation on Lou. 

“Bul-go-gi,” he says, slowly, and you repeat it after him in the same manner. “Bulgogi.”

“Bulgogi,” you say, confidently. He smiles at your improved pronunciation. 

“And tteok-bokki,” he continues, slowly once again. You repeat carefully, and then take a slow breath in and out to prepare for the waitress coming over. Evidently, you do well enough ordering that the waitress doesn’t look confused or disgusted by your pronunciation, and so you take a much-needed sip of water with a smile on your face. You’re interrupted by Lou’s gentle laughter, and you fix him with a glare. 

“What?” You ask, barely pulling away from your drink. His eyes seem to sparkle when he looks at you and shrugs. 

“You’re cute when you’re nervous,” he says, like he’s talking about the weather, and you feel your heart skip a beat in your chest. How can he say that so casually? 

“Thanks,” you mutter, taking another sip of your water in an attempt to cool yourself down. 

Dinner passes without a hitch after that, except for the few times Lou steals food from your plate and it becomes something of a competition as to who can more stealthily snag a bite. 

By the time the two of you leave, hours have passed and you feel fit to burst — and you just might, if Lou keeps telling you stories about the guys he lives with back in South Korea. On the bus, he shows you one video of his roommate, Ayno, walking on all fours in a crowded airport with slides on his hands. You attempt to stifle your laughter in the sleeves of Lou’s oversized sweater, but end up snorting instead. You bury your face in his shoulder as you continue to laugh, attempting to hide your embarrassment. 

The bus hits a bump in the road, and Lou’s arm slips around you so you don’t bounce off the seat. You’re too busy laughing to really notice. 

Lou walks you back to your dorm’s entrance, where you turn and flash him a playful grin. 

“So, how’d I do on my test?” You ask, and Lou laughs, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. 

“Good.” You bite down on your lower lip, but can’t keep yourself from beaming. 

“Thanks, Lou,” you say, looking up at him earnestly. The stars frame him beautifully, and you wonder if he even has a bad angle with the way you have to look up at him. “For everything. The tutoring, the food... all of it. I’m glad Lee sent me to you.” You nudge him playfully with your elbow as you say it, and he lets out a laugh that sounds more breathy than usual. 

“You’re welcome, Y/N.” 

The way he smiles down at you makes you feel flustered, and so you look down at the ground for a moment before wishing him a goodnight. Lou steps away as you reach into your bag for your ID, but he calls to you just as you get the door open. You turn to find him smiling broadly at you, just a little ways down the sidewalk. 

“Goodnight!” You feel a goofy grin break across your face and can’t help but laugh. 

“Goodnight, Lou!” You call back, and with one last beaming grin and wave he turns away and starts walking back to his dorm. 

It isn’t until you get inside and go to hide your burning cheeks that you realize you’re still wearing his hoodie. And you couldn’t be happier. 

Monday rolls around, and you’re shocked to find Lou outside your dorm before your first class, a coffee carrier with two americanos in one hand and his phone in the other. He has his earbuds in, and you hear him rapping under his breath as you approach. The sound of his voice, the perfect rhythm, brings a smile to your face as you quietly make your way towards him. You tap him on the shoulder, biting your lip. He looks up, his eyes widening before his expression becomes a grin. 

“Hey,” he says. 

“Hey,” you reply, giving him a cheeky grin. “I didn’t know you could rap.” He laughs and promptly puts his earbuds away, passing you a coffee. 

“Just a hobby,” he replies, tossing the coffee carrier away. “Ready for your quiz today?” You raise an eyebrow. 

“How do you know about my quiz?”

“Professor Lee keeps me up to date,” he says. 

“Oh.” You feel slightly embarrassed by that, but shrug it off as you take a sip of your coffee. “Well, I feel as ready as I’ll ever be.” Lou laughs at your response tossing an arm around your shoulders as the both of you approach the building your Korean class is held in. He tugs you towards him, pulling you into a gentle hug by the doors. 

“Don’t worry,” he murmurs, his low voice rumbling close to your ear. “You’ll do well. You have me as your tutor, after all.” You scoff and push him away, reaching up to mess up his hair. 

“So humble,” you say waving him off. Before he strays too far, you raise your voice, “Thanks for the coffee!” He gives you a thumbs up in response before disappearing into the crowd of students heading to class, and you can’t help but smile as you clutch the coffee a little closer to your chest. 

You refuse to say it, but you know that the espresso isn’t the reason your heart is pounding as you enter the building. 

When you receive yet another ‘A’ on your Korean assignment, you feel like you’re walking on air. And it’s with that confidence boost that you find yourself suggesting to Lou that the two of you go ‘study’ at a bubble tea shop a short bus ride from campus. Lou, for as serious as he seemed when you first met him, has absolutely no problem with your idea and follows you gladly to the bus stop. 

The bus ride itself is filled with relatively mindless chatter from the both of you, but neither of you seem to mind. Your eyes keep drifting out the window, to the clear blue sky and the sunlight winking through the trees. 

“I can’t believe it’s almost summer,” you remark, and Lou hums in agreement. 

“Yeah. The semester’s almost over.” You turn back to him.

“Are you excited to go back to Korea?” His expression clouds for a moment, but soon he’s back to his normal, half-smiling self. He lets out a short laugh and shrugs his shoulders.

“Excited is one word for it.” You think back to what he’s told you about his group of friends and their overly-dramatic send-off for him, and snicker, nudging him with your elbow. 

“Come on, this is our stop.” You think nothing of it as you grab his wrist to get him out of his seat, and you miss the redness of his ears when you do so. 

Once inside the shop, the two of you bicker about the superior bubble tea flavor and you rush to pay before he can. As you wait for your drinks, your phone lights up on the table with a new message from one of your group chats.

party Saturday night @ Kina’s house. plus ones encouraged ;)

When Lou returns to the table, two cups in his hands, you glance up at him thoughtfully.

“Hey, Lou,” you start, and he raises an eyebrow as he takes a sip of his drink. “What do you say to going to a party with me on Saturday?” He leans back in his seat with a smile.

“I’m in.” Your heart stutters in your chest for a beat, but you push the thought of it away, returning his grin as you sip on your own drink.

You’re starting to think inviting Lou along was a bad idea, because it’s been over an hour and you’re still nursing your first drink. Every spare second you’ve had, you’ve been swarmed by people wanting to be introduced to the tall boy at your side. While he doesn’t seem to notice all the attempts to flirt with him, all the obvious heart eyes people are flashing in his direction, you definitely do, and you’re getting more annoyed by the minute. As the most recent group of people wanders away, their eyes lingering on Lou, you can’t help but sigh.

“I think you’re the most popular guy here now,” you joke, taking a long sip of your drink. Lou laughs at that and casually slings an arm around your shoulders.

“Jealous?” He teases, and you shrug him off with a roll of your eyes. You open your mouth to make some witty retort, but are interrupted by someone calling out both of your names.

“Come play Truth or Dare with us!” Kina exclaims, waving you over. You glance at Lou to gauge his reaction, but he only shrugs with that mysterious half-grin on his face, tugging you towards the living room. Kina has pushed most of the furniture to the edges of the room, and the circle of players sitting on the floor expands slightly to make room for you and Lou to sit down. You watch as Kina chugs down half a bottle of beer before setting the bottle down in the center of the circle and giving it a spin.

The game is, for the most part, uneventful. Kina dares a guy to take his shirt off, said guy obliges (quite happily, you might note, which seems counterintuitive for the game) and then gets one of his buddies to reveal their most embarrassing drunken escapade. Said story actually gets you to set your own drink aside, suddenly not in the mood for alcohol any longer. The spin lands on a girl you think you had some class with freshman year, and after she completes her dare (do a keg stand, which she nails and is actually pretty impressive and terrifying) the bottle suddenly lands on Lou. There’s a glimmer in the girl’s eyes as she stares him down, and you realize that she’s one of many people you introduced Lou to tonight.

“Truth or dare,” she asks, smirking. You feel as though your stomach is twisting into knots, and you don’t know why. Lou, cool as ever, quickly responds:

“Dare.” Her grin stretches wider and you feel extremely uncomfortable, wondering if this night is going to have to end with you apologizing to Lou for ruining his semester abroad because of some weird, drunk girl.

“Okay, Lou,” she says, almost purring, “I dare you to kiss the most attractive person in this room. Right now.” You glance at him for a moment before looking back around the circle. Most people seem to be eagerly awaiting his next move, but the tightness you felt in your stomach has now spread to your chest. You’re curious yourself, to be honest, but you also can’t help but feel uncomfortable on his behalf. While you’re sitting, debating whether you should stop this game for the sake of the boy beside you or just let it run its course, Lou has already made his decision. You hear his jeans scuff against the carpet and you turn your head to face him, brows furrowed in concern.

And yet, Lou doesn’t look even a fraction as upset as you had worried he would be, although he does look nervous. You open your mouth to ask him if he’s sure he’s okay with this, but then you realize something truly startling.

Lou isn’t standing up, not even trying to. Instead, he’s turned his body to face yours and is slowly leaning closer. You tense up, confused, your heart skidding to a stop for a moment as his dark eyes lock with yours. With a strange rush of blood to your head you realize he’s being completely serious as he closes the distance between the two of you—

He presses a kiss to your forehead, then leans back and resumes his former position, reaching out to spin the bottle. You can feel your face burning, and can’t hear anything but your runaway heartbeat in your ears. You swallow thickly, unable to take your eyes off him, and yet all he offers you after he gives someone a very simple dare is a glance and another enigmatic smile, placing his hand over yours as the game continues to unfold.

The rest of the night passes in a bit of a blur, but you’re suddenly very aware of Lou’s hands on you; his arm around your shoulders, the back of his hand brushing your own, even just his broad chest behind your back. It’s more like you’re hyper-aware of him and the fact that he’s taking every possible opportunity to touch you, even if it’s just for a moment. By the time you’re about to leave the party, the house feels far too hot and crowded, and you think you’ve got your cardio in for the month; the second your feet hit the pavement, you let out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding. Lou lets out a gentle laugh from beside you and, unbidden, drapes his hoodie across your shoulders. You glance up at him, biting the inside of your cheek as you regard him; under the yellow streetlights his skin and hair look unbelievably soft, and his eyes seem to sparkle just for you.

“Thanks,” you murmur, unable to raise your voice above a whisper. He doesn’t say a word in response, but the back of his hand brushes yours again and you feel your heart rate spike once more. You come to a halt in the middle of the quiet sidewalk, and Lou stops just a few steps ahead of you, looking back curiously. You pull his jacket tighter around you even though you don’t feel cold and clear your throat, which suddenly feels inexplicably dry.

“About earlier,” you start, lamely. “Did you mean it?” Lou blinks at you, his expression unreadable.

“Why do you ask?” You feel your face heating up again even as you shrug, attempting to be nonchalant.

“Well, I mean— it was a forehead kiss— and you didn’t really know anyone else, so I wasn’t sure…” At some point during your poorly constructed sentence, your gaze had drifted down to the pavement in some attempt to hide your embarrassment. You hear Lou move, and suddenly you can see his shoes almost toe-to-toe with yours. Your breath catches when he gently tilts your chin up to look at him, his eyes bright and mirthful.

“I wasn’t just going to kiss you without permission in a room full of people,” he says, a grin playing at the corners of his mouth. “Why? Did you want me to?” Although his tone is playful, you see that same earnestness in his gaze that you had during the game, and it feels as though the world falls still. Without meaning to, your gaze flicks down to his lips for a moment, and you have a sudden, strange burst of confidence when you look back into his eyes.

“I wouldn’t be opposed,” you reply. Lou laughs at that and then leans in, closing the gap between the two of you once more and pressing his lips to yours.

And the world starts to turn again.

Lou doesn’t really ask you to be his girlfriend because he doesn’t have to; the two of you just kind of slip into a romantic relationship, which really just means adding more physical contact to your usual conversations and maybe some heart emojis here and there. Being Lou’s girlfriend means constantly getting treated to coffee and being given the best hugs — means being allowed to listen to songs off is mixtape before they get officially posted — means getting to play with his hair when he takes a nap with his head on your lap, or you watch a drama together in what Lou claims is an attempt to better your Korean.

It means your heart fluttering at even the smallest gestures, and it means feeling heartbroken when Professor Lee reminds all of you that your final is in one week.

You haven’t really talked to Lou about his going back to Korea since you asked him about it on the bus that day, and it’s partly because you don’t know what you want him to do about it. On the one hand, you’ve never been in a long distance relationship that’s that long distance, but on the other you’ve never had a relationship that feels as seamless and right as the one you have with Lou. You keep telling yourself you both need to focus on finals, that you can’t put the pressure on him right now, but you know the truth of the matter is that you’re too scared to face the reality of the situation just then.

Your tutoring sessions have moved out of the library and into Lou’s dorm room, because his roommate is almost never around. According to Lou, he spends most of his time with his girlfriend in her apartment, so Lou has only seen him a few times. It’s reading day for your school, and you’ve decided to take over Lou’s room as he helps you prep for your Korean final the next day.

“When’s your last final again?” He asks, nonchalantly, shuffling your index cards.

“Thursday,” you reply, without thinking for a moment of what this conversation could turn into, too focused on the task at hand. 

“I leave Wednesday,” Lou says, and you feel your heart sink into your stomach, weighing you down. “I’m taking an Uber from the school at 2. We should have lunch together.” Your throat feels inexplicably dry, but you manage to nod your head. Lou smiles at you, then hold up the first flashcard. You try not to think about it.

If someone were to ask you which superpower you wish you had, it would be to freeze time, because you really don’t want Lou to leave. You close your eyes, leaning your head against his shoulder. A light breeze passes over both of you as you sit on the bench waiting for his Uber, and Lou gently runs his fingers through your hair. 

He doesn’t seem upset, but you think maybe it’s for your sake. You didn’t expect to feel so emotional about all of this, considering you haven’t even been together that long, but the bond you have with Lou feels inexplicably strong. He had told you at lunch he wanted to continue this if you did, and you burst into tears in the middle of taking a bite of your pizza — needless to say, it’s been a long day. 

“Hey,” he says, softly. You open your eyes to look up at him. “Don’t be too sad, okay? I promise we won’t be apart for long.” You don’t know how he can promise that, but you’re left with no choice but to trust him as his Uber pulls up to the curb. 

The driver is blessedly patient with the both of you as you cry into Lou’s arms for the last time, apologizing for all your blubbering while he presses a soothing kiss to your forehead. Eventually, you calm down enough to kiss him properly, then press your forehead to his.

“Lou?” You prod, gently. He hums. “I love you.” For the first time, you think you hear his voice crack,

“I love you, too.”

As the Uber pulls away, you receive an AirDrop request to an unlisted YouTube video on Lou’s channel. The title of the track makes you cry even more.

사랑해.

After listening to Lou’s unreleased song for you for days on end, you make a decision. You would call it rash if it hadn’t taken you so long to translate the message to send over Facebook, but it certainly feels crazy fast approaching when you buy your plane tickets after receiving a one-word response from Mrs. Kim: “드디어!” 

You fall asleep on the plane listening to Lou’s voice through your earbuds, and wake up more excited than ever to land. Mrs.Kim has been active on Facebook since you woke up, and has been excitedly messaging you updates about Lou. You can’t help but laugh when she tells you he’s been moping about having to go pick up her mystery friend from the airport — apparently your boyfriend thinks he’s being treated more like a pack mule than a son. After some light banter, she tells you where they’ll be waiting for you as your plane begins its initial descent.

Deplaning takes forever and the airport is a nightmare to navigate but it’s all so worth it when you see the look on your boyfriend’s face when he spots you.

“Y/N?” Lou asks, shocked, as you make your way towards him. You feel yourself tearing up, but in the best possible way.

“Surprise!” You reply, trying to keep your voice from cracking. Lou pulls you into his arms, and he laughs gently as he holds you close; you swear you hear a tremble in it and wonder if he’s feeling as emotional as you are. His heart seems to be beating just as fast, anyways. 

“How? My mom told me we were picking up her friend…”  

“Well, you taught me enough Korean that I managed to get an A in class and send a passable message to your mom on Facebook…” You pull back to look into his eyes, your arms still looped around his neck. “So, here I am! All yours for a month.” Lou smiles and his eyes turn to crescents. He shakes his head in disbelief before leaning down to press a kiss against your lips, chuckling softly when he pulls away to press his forehead to yours. 

“What?” You ask, running a thumb along his cheekbone. He gently shakes his head. 

“I didn’t think I’d get to see you again for at least a year… I’ve been thinking about you nonstop, and now here you are.” You open your mouth to reply, but a sudden call of your name interrupts you. You peer around Lou to see his mother approaching, a wide smile split across her face and a carrier of iced coffees in her hands. She shoves said drinks into Lou’s hands in order to greet you, her Korean spoken so fast you can barely understand it all — but her eyes and the smile on her face tell you enough. She holds both your hands in hers, and shoots a wink at her son that makes his ears turn red, and warmth explodes in your chest as you all leave the airport. 

You can feel somewhere deep inside, this is going to be the best two weeks of your life.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Why I am still not in a relationship

Well, the inspiration for this blog all starts with me going through the recommended tab on my YouTube app. Suddenly, a video from a YouTuber named “Better Bachelor” shows up. The video is about the owner of the channel reviewing a video from another channel. The contents of that other video is a girl trying to use a guy’s profile on tinder to get a date with a girl. Long story short, she gets a few dozen matches, barely gets any conversations with the matched girls, and after a week she never gets any dates. The frustration, which I’m pretty certain the reviewer mentions at some point, is that women are used to getting easy matches, and suddenly struggling with it is really difficult.

The explanation was pretty simple and obvious. The standards for men using dating apps... they just want women that are attractive. The women that use the apps... can vary. There are some women that want a relationship. They look for men with good looks, money, power, etc. Some women aren’t actually looking for matches. Sure, getting treated for a meal sounds good... but according to what the “Better Bachelor” (aka Joker) was saying, they are just looking for compliments.

I had tried dating apps a few times... one time about two years ago, and another time a year or so before then. I had tried tinder, and realized that it was a waste of time. I almost never got matches, and from those I did, only 2 or 3 actually said anything. Before then, I had tried OkCupid. That was somewhat successful. Yea I actually had conversations with people. One girl I had messaged with for a while, and eventually met her a few times in person. However, that is irrelevant.

After watching several videos from this Joker guy, I remembered about my occasional resentful feelings against relationships, about the hashtag #MGTOW (Men Go Their Own Way), about the golddiggers of today... My cynicism is returning, which is why I decided to make a Tumblr blog after all this time, because that’s what my blogs are really about - expressing my resentful feelings.

Now getting back on track... By talking about my one and only long-term relationship... (yea totally on track lmao)

Many years ago, before my trials on dating apps, I was very active on Facebook using my personal account, and that’s how I interacted and planned stuff with other people. I ended up dating someone from the college I went to. I had originally treated her just like a friend. Little did I know that she was interested in me. After shopping at a mall off-campus, we went to my dorm to eat a meal. I didn’t really think of this as a date because to me it was just friendship. (How wrong I was lmao)

Anyways... We ate for a while and spent time on our phones taking selfies. After dealing with me making silly faces, she went into my room. I followed behind her, and she was on my bed. Not sure if she was laying there or sitting there.

We were just sitting there for a while. As someone who was trying to treat her as a friend, I was completely confused as to why she was acting so weirdly. She kept on trying to lean close to me, but I was like “no” and she was like “why”... but of course I didn’t really understand what she was trying to do... Friends leaning close is weird right? Lol, of course I didn’t understand her romantic interests because she didn’t spell it out. 

Now, keep in mind, this was my final year at college. I had never been in a relationship before. Never had a first kiss. I had already come to accept that I would never be in a relationship, let alone kiss someone else. So of course the idea that someone actually wanted to kiss me was completely absurd in my mind. It almost felt like she was actually acting irrationally.

This lasted 5-10 minutes until I felt uncomfortable, so I stood up and just moved to the other side of the room. I didn’t understand what was going on, or what I was feeling or why. Yea, NOW I pretty much know because I’ve thought about it for a LONG time. I’m the type of person that wants to avoid trouble, and that also means that I don’t want to trouble others. Why? Because whenever I trouble other people, karma somehow finds it way right back at me. So, I bet there was a side of me that was scared. I was worried that if I did something wrong, it was going to go badly, and somehow I would be the one finding trouble.

Another 2-3 minutes go by with her STILL on my bed, and there was me... standing awkwardly... leaning against another piece of furniture on the other side of the room. I don’t really recall the next part of our “talk”... but I’m guessing she was asking if something was wrong, and I probably said no... Frowning, she said, “well, then pucker up cowboy”.

I don’t know why she said that. I don’t even know if I fully comprehended what she was saying to me, but her words had triggered some sort of reaction inside of my brain. To this day, I don’t even know how her simple, but cryptic language ended up breaking the mental delusion that I would never be in a relationship.. but those words triggered my next action.

I moved up to her and kissed her on the lips. It lasted only a second. Of course, she jumped up and held my hands and was trying to dance with me, celebrating the moment like it was the best thing that happened to us. Me, on the contrary, was completely mortified.

I can imagine most people reading this would be shocked that a guy is mortified from his first kiss lmao. I had to add this paragraph in through editing. I don’t blame you for being shocked. This is the reaction you would expect from an anime show lol. The me today wouldn’t be mortified. Before my senior year at college, I didn’t interact much with women, let alone be in a relationship, so please don’t blame me for feeling mortified. So just go on to the next paragraph so that I can explain how I was feeling...

Digressing back into it...

Right after kissing, I was standing there and thinking to myself “wtf happened”. No seriously, like I was standing there, not understanding what was going on. Like I was getting goosebumps. I was shivering. I was scared. All this time, I was trying to be a good friend to her, and then suddenly I had kissed her. What was wrong with me?

Of course, she noticed that something was wrong, so she asked about it, and I was like, that was my first kiss. She was at least understanding. I was still in panic mode, During that panic, I’m pretty certain I asked her if she would be my girlfriend, which she accepted. We both changed our relationship statuses on our Facebook profiles then and there. And then I asked her to leave for the night so that I could spend time to myself... So that I could recover from the shock. Poor old me lmao. Don’t you pity me LOL. AND I still had to explain to my family that I was actually in a relationship. My sister’s reaction was worth it :D

Anyways...

Point was I wanted to take responsibility for that night, and took the initiative to get into a relationship. Boy, it was something. It was okay at first, but the relationship slowly ended up being rocky. Why? Because she wanted me to change. She kept on bringing up the negative sides of me. Now, I wasn’t just a regular person on the campus. I was a leader. I was involved in several clubs on campus.

Heh, funny thinking about it back then. I wanted to put the relationship before everything else, so I stopped being involved in other club activities (over time) because I wanted to spend more time with her. However, somehow that ended up backfiring. In the end, all the time I spent with her was irrelevant. Now why would that be?

Well she spelled it out. I was at the end of my time at the college, and I was soon no longer going to be around. In my mind, I was thinking that the relationship could continue, even from a long-distance perspective. I thought this way because we had messaged each other a lot on Facebook over the months we were together. However, she had thought differently. She only wanted to be in a relationship if we were together in person. She told me it would’ve been possible to be long distance if I had simply just always say everything that is on my mind...

Thinking back, there were red flags that this relationship was going to fail. She never wanted me to go to her house, she never really showed pictures of her room. She was very self-conscious of her looks, and I always had to show pictures of her before I was allowed to post them online. She was a very controlling person. Honestly, in the months following the end of the relationship, I ended up hating her. I didn’t understand why I felt that way at the time, but I’m pretty certain it was because she made me feel very insecure about myself.

Even BEFORE our relationship, I was insecure about my academic record at college. My first semester I failed a class, got an unsatisfactory in another, got a D in a third, and passed the fourth. After bringing it up to my mother, I swore I would never do that badly again. That following semester, I didn’t bring any consoles to campus. I didn’t do amazing, but my classes were decent. A’s, B’s... maybe a C/D? But good overall. My grades slowly rose up over the semesters. My senior year? I was scoring A’s for nearly all my classes, making Dean’s List the whole time.

Regarding my senior year, good grades weren’t the only good thing I had. I ended up being a leader at my dorm and at one of the school clubs I was in. Also, I started using Facebook a lot for photos and selfies. I naturally became popular. I was honestly just trying to have fun while making the most of my successes. Ironically, I feel like my life started turning upside down because I made my relationship more important than my interactions with others. So it only makes sense that I broke down after my ex had broken up with me.

You know the stupid part? As she was breaking up with me, she was trying to make me say “okay let’s break up”. Like wtf. Why did you have to make me feel this way? I never wanted to break up, but she did. I can’t forget my feelings during that phone call. She told me she wanted to break up. I was just standing there, empty, feeling nothing. I couldn’t believe it was happening. After all that time I had committed to the relationship, she wanted to break up, just like that. Like nothing had happened. Wtf. So she kept urging to me to say it was okay for us to break up... Me being the one that doesn’t want to cause trouble for others, eventually I just caved in and said “okay”. I hung up the phone and just couldn’t hold in my emotions. My sister was there that day. I turned to her and started bawling out, crying out that she had broken up with me. The last time I cried that much, I was probably in elementary school... like 3rd or 4th grade? Maybe even younger.

You want to know what’s even dumber?

Over the next several weeks, she still continued to message me. She wanted to know why I wanted to break up with her. She wanted to know how she could’ve done better. Was she crazy? Does her craziness STILL exist to this day?

Now throughout the relationship, she had mentioned to me that she was an anxious person, and she probably said that was why she would act unreasonably. Which was completely fine with me. As long as we were together, I would be able to handle anything. I would change as much as I could to make things work out. Heck, I would censor random vocabulary because using certain words would remind her of her ex. 

The messaging would continue for a little while. There was a part of me hoping that the relationship could be salvaged... But I was already broken by that point. I tried interviewing myself in a video, privating it and sharing it with her, hoping she’d watch it. But I realized that I was becoming crazy. Who the f*ck interviews themselves in a video just to finally say what they’re thinking or feeling? I just simply messaged that I hated her, and that was the end of those messages.

At this time, I was already spending less time on social media, because I just wanted to avoid any chance of interacting with her. I was still taking a final class at college, so if I ever saw her, I just canceled my class and went home. Ironically, it was around that time that I started actively using Tumblr. Heh. Yes, my resentment towards her inspired me to actively use other media platforms, like this one.

Because of her, I knew that there was something wrong with me, so I took some time to explore topics of morality, religion, politics... Exploring these topics didn’t make me popular or rich or anything... HOWEVER, I needed to take this time to explore my personality, to discover what my morality truly was, and to figure out my true feelings about controversial topics. I did this because I believed that my family was very conservative, so I was scared about exploring these topics. I was an anxious person, and I was very guarded.  I was scared of making mistakes.

The uprising of Trump made me realized that I never wanted to be a liar, and the existence of politics made me realize that I never wanted to be deceptive. The only people I have ever truly deceived were my parents, because I had to act the way they wanted me to. I wanted to change even this. To never lie or deceive. To this day it is a challenge for me, but I want to be better than I am now.

Wow I haven’t made a long blog in a while, and I’m not done yet. I haven’t even gotten to the core of this blog. Why am I STILL not in a relationship? In his videos, Joker constantly mentions that women prefer dating upwards. As an “average” guy who is not making good amounts of money (and is stingy about spending), I would not appeal to the women who are golddiggers... or women who want relationships to capitalize on how much money they can spend. Why should I bother wasting time or money on relationships when the significant other just wants more and more and more?

I just want to live a simple life. Make enough money to live and have plenty of money in reserve in case of an emergency. Then use my free time to pursue my passions, which today is watching YouTube videos, anime, and playing games. Lately I’ve spent time watching Chinese webtoons. Some are really awesome, some are meh. But I’m getting off-track...

Where was I... Oh yeah... Why am I not in a relationship..?

Lack of confidence. No presence on social media. No presence outside of my house (other than at work).

Want to know the funny part?

At work, I keep to myself, but I’m very hard-working, and I’m popular with managers and other associates alike. This has been true at every place I have worked at. I’m just amazed. Like, I even do some of the work of low-level management positions. So yea, I’m very hard-working at work. But only at work. When at home, I just want to relax.

So if I decide to pursue a relationship, how would I test my significant other? I would continue acting the way I do now. Work hard at work, relax at home. Continue being stingy. Not really upgrading my housing. How high am I willing to upgrade? A 2-bedroom and 2-bath house... with an option to expand to the basement so I can create a secret door to a secret room for myself. that’s it. I don’t want a mansion. It’d be cool if I could get a Victorian-style house, but I reckon that would be expensive. I’d rather go cheaper, safer, more affordable. Same thing with cars. I’d prefer being stingy, and putting a good amount of money into savings, and the rest into retirement.

Heck, there’s a part of me that’s paranoid about being in a relationship. Honestly, I’d be worried that she would break up because she wants to upgrade after a few years and try to take stuff that is earned by my money. So I’d probably go out of my way to make sure that our bank accounts remain separate. She can keep stuff that she buys with her account, and I keep stuff that is bought with mine. Any gifts that are proven gifts with a receipt or written contract is fine. I just don’t want to lose my stuff that I bought with my money... like my computer, or furniture...

If she doesn’t like it, that just simply means she wants to keep moving up. Wants to keep spending more. To keep getting more. That’s just the the type of greed that I despise the most. Not putting a limit on your spending...

Look, I get it. The idea of getting everything I want is enticing. I know because I was kinda spoiled as a child. If I wanted stuff, my parents actually gave me what I wanted. Ironically, I was the child that always told my parents that I didn’t want anything, no matter how many times they asked. Sure, I would put a few video games on my birthday or Christmas lists, but anything else... nope. Heck, I ended up storing hundreds of dollars in my closet and drawers over my childhood years because I never wanted to go to stores to buy anything. From an economics perspective, I guess I would be a complete anomaly.

...I just spent 10 minutes trying to search for an economics term because I can’t remember that term which I believe relates to a consumers need or want to buy something. The point I was going to make is that almost all prices are irrelevant, because I am almost never going to buy anything, other than a few things. And of those things, I’ll either go for the cheapest (for cases like food) or the best quality/price relationship (like computer parts). The reason I was an anomaly, and kinda still am, is because even if I want something, I still won’t be willing to buy things.

Getting back on track regarding partner qualifications...

In a partner, I want someone who will stick together with me, no matter what happens. My morality is to stay out of trouble, and a good part of that is to not cause trouble for others. So naturally I need to find a partner that feels the same way. As long as we both have that same core morality, I’m confident that things will work out.

There’s a part of me that thinks that compatible partners, that are currently single, don’t get into relationships because they want to stay out of trouble. It’s how I feel.

I want a partner that I can share all of my secrets with without fearing that they will share them with everyone else.... Everyone has kinks or embarrassing moments/stories, even myself. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about them, so it’s normal that I would expect her to not share it. Honestly, I wouldn’t want her sharing the secrets with her closest friends. There’s a part of me that’s controlling.

Look, we are all controlling people. We all have our sense of integrity, our sense of pride. And I’m an anxious person. I like to control my insecurities, and the best way to control them is to not reveal the secrets. Is it fine if I share it anonymously to the world? Yes, because it’s done anonymously, I keep things cryptic enough so that things can’t be linked to my real identity.

In the end, at the very least I’m certain I won’t be able to do online dating. Sure, I can try, but the reality is that although I want my partner to be fun, it’s far more important for my partner to just spend time together. I’m a clingy person, and I love the idea of having a significant other who is also clingy. Why? Because it stabilizes my sense of security, and pretty much completes my qualifications.

A partner that has the same morality, doesn’t share secrets, and is clingy is pretty much the perfect partner, the best BFF ever. Being able to share everything in the world without any fears of secrets going out or being judged by others... It’s a huge sense of relief. It’s what I want, and probably what a bunch of us want. To feel welcome by others without being troubled.

So one day, yea I want to be in a relationship. But I want to be in a relationship with the right person. Not the perfect person. Not necessarily an attractive person. But the RIGHT person for me. Wealth is irrelevant, because the point is that the two of us would go through things together.

Well that wraps up my blog. This is definitely a long one, wow. I feel like I should do this more often. I actually spent two hours typing it, and probably will spend 10-20 minutes editing... BUT I definitely wanted to put my thoughts out there. I’m definitely imagining what it’d be like if people that I knew actually read this lmao. Remember I’m an anxious person.

So my responses for each type... To my ex, hope you are doing well, but I want nothing to do with you because of my bitter resentment. To that one girl on OkCupid, I’m just sorry that I stopped messaging you... Honestly you were the person I opened up to the most, but I felt shame because I was in between jobs and needed to focus on getting the next one. I was also worried because I felt like I was troubling you. To anyone else who knows me... If you see me just pretend you never read this lmao.

So yea... that’s pretty much that. Again, thanks for spending the time to read this. You didn’t have to. I’m sure you got better things to do. But if you are reading this, I’m guessing you are relatable because you had to search for this... Unless you saw a future blog and are looking back to this... Well hi and thanks for reading! Don’t mind my resentfulness, it’s just a part of me.

If you want to message me about anything, or just want to share a relatable story, go ahead and share it. I’ll take time to read it. Don’t worry, like some fools out there, I’m actually capable of keeping secrets. Heck I’ve been practicing keeping secrets since elementary school. I keep secrets until I’ve forgotten them. That’s how important keeping a secret is to me.

Regardless..

Time to end this blog. Thanks and maybe I’ll type some more... Peace

-CloudTG