#also sorry i havent been active in the past couple days

[is-this-yuri]

Anonymity can be a sign of affection. Imagine, if you will, a shy girl. She wants to interact with her crush, but is too nervous to do so directly. She may leave a note in her locker, or in her bag, or her desk. She may ask a friend to talk to her in her stead. Of course her crush may not mind talking to her, but she simply can't overcome her shyness, so she expresses her affection indirectly. This lack of confidence is a form of love; avoiding rejection so as to maintain what little acces she has to her crush.

Conclusion: Anonymous asks are now open.

[mariska]

hi queer friends in my phone i hope u have all been having an ok month so far 💖 im sorry i havent been online very much lately, its like 80% just me being forgetful except to hop on my phone app for like ten mins to browse my dash and reblog something and get distracted by another non phone related activity LOL. my bestie Eli is here still until the rest of the month and we finished our rewatch (their first watch, my like......who even knows the specific numbered rewatch) of Avatar The Last Airbender a couple days ago and that was very fun and exciting, it was wild getting to those last few episodes in the final season and just totally getting brought back to being a kid in my head when the show was actively airing on tv and i was sitting in my bedroom exploding from sheer special interest excitement watching the story wrap up on the super small box tv i used to have like 15+ years ago 😭🫡 we haven't started watching Legend Of Korra yet since we just finished ATLA and need to like. take a lil Avatar media break before jumping into another entire finished series fhdhdhsfsshhgd but excited for whenever we start that too!! Eli showed me a fav movie of theirs the other night called Thoroughbreds and i REALLY liked it, fellow toxic yuri enjoyers i truly cannot recommend that one enough those girls have Problems In Abundance and i love that for them and also me.

OH OH OH ALSO on my birthday after we got home from out of house activities we watched that Nic Cage movie 'Dream Scenario' that i've wanted to see so bad since the first trailer for it dropped online a while back, and i am truly not just being dramatic when i say i think that is my favorite movie i've seen this year and it will be Difficult for another movie to win over that 2024 Fav Spot in my mind, it was exactly what i wanted it to be and MUCH MORE LMAOO IT WAS SO GODDAMN FUNNY. very specifically Me And Eli's Kinda Stupid Sense Of Humor throughout the whole run time we were fuckin losing it at every other scene. that was a wonderful lil birthday treat.

also the antique mall we were gonna go to ended up being closed on the day of my birthday so we went to a big mall off-Cape that i like instead and have been to a few other times for past birthdays cus they actually have a bunch of different types of stores with stuff i actually enjoy unlike the more local mall we have here that is 100% dying a slow agonizing Mall Death lmao. went to Build-A-Bear and they had that one bear style in stock that literally just looks like a femme lesbian with the lesbian flag colors and perfect lil eyeliner so i made a Chappell Roan inspired pop star outfit wearing lesbian colored bear (saw someone else online do that a lil while back with the same style i chose so i couldn't resist doing it myself when i saw it was at the store hfsfgsvsgshshdg) and the ppl working there that day were all super chill and friendly and most likely around me and Eli's age or maybe a few yrs younger than us, the person who helped me make my bear specifically was really friendly and fun to talk with cus while we were in there it was pretty much just us and the employees for the majority of the time, he like immediately picked up on me being A Very Obvious Femme Lesbian on account of The Femme Lesbian Bear and also The Very Over The Top Femme Alt Outfit I Was Wearing and we chatted abt being gay and trans while he was stuffing the bear it was such a genuinely sweet and wonderful interaction, he was also autistic and we got to briefly bond over Build-A-Bear being mutual life long autistic special interests of ours and he seemed rly happy to hear that i was turning 27 that day and was still actively wanting to spend birthdays making custom stuffed animals there it was just really great all around 😭💕 also before the mall closed later on we did a quick stop at the FYE store that was there (i always get very excited when i see a still active FYE store anywhere cus it was a childhood fav place of mine to shop but our local mall closed ours when i was a teenager lol) and there was a small stand set up with some ATLA merch and i got a fully functional Momo backpack/crossbody style bag that i am so incredibly psyched about having fjdgedfdhsshfg it is very cute. and anyone who knows me knows i love adding a silly lil functional novelty bag to my collection of silly lil novelty bags. so it will be getting much use from me out in the world

anyways!!! thats pretty much what i've been up to, just figured i would hop on and write a mariska life update so everyone here knows i didnt just like. drop off the face of the earth lol

[vryivs]

Shipper tag game

tagged by @tiesanjiaoshenanigans <33

What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

oh god i dont even know. probably any silm ship i liked since i just outgrew that part of my life organically and also dennor probably?

Which ship would you consider your first one?

percabeth easily

Your first fanfic was about which couple?

it was dennor hetalia

Do you remember the first couple you saw fanart of?

most likely percabeth since i got tumblr literally just to follow viria for the art

Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

yes i was 13 and i didnt like fruk. i made an apology drawing that said 'im sorry fruk shippers' on a sign being held up by a sad girl. i was 13. since then? not really. i dont tend to have the time or energy to actively argue with people i disagree with. to me theres no point + it doesnt matter

Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

im opinionated so absolutely!! didnt like hk/iceland (hetalia) or fruk (hetalia again lol). didnt like yuri/otabek (yoi), most byleth/student ships (femblem), jeanluc (when i was into genshin). currently dont like renheng (it's just not my thing), jing yuan/fu xuan (also not my thing) or dan heng/anyone tbh (although i make exceptions for tb). i dont have any massive reasons for disliking them theyre just either not my thing or dont align with my hcs (shrug)

any jing yuan/hcq feels vaguely icky to me because they knew him as a teenager while they were adults (aside from yingxing since his age is more ambiguous and it seems like he mightve grown up at the same time jy did?)

Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

brb checking my ao3 history

oh my god is was a fucking dddne dabi/hawks fic i found when i was looking through trans tags. i havent read or watched mha it just sounded interesting. i liked it and its here if you want to read it (mind the tags)

Currently, do you have any OTPs?

weirdly no massive ones for hsr which is my main fandom. i have ships i like tho!! kafblade, stellemarch and bronseele. also i think clara/yanqing is adorable in concept. arranging playdates between my daughter and jing yuans son. i also think voidwelt would be really interesting

Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

not rlly!! i tend not to care too much about canon when it comes to shipping, so i hardly even pay it attention

Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

not rlly!! if there is i cant remember them

Do you have any ship that, in the past, would've been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

any rpf ship tbh. i honestly think rpf is fine as long as you dont project its contents onto the very real people it's based off of.

What is your favorite crack ship?

velite/argenti

What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

i dont read fanfic v often (combination of bad attention span, really specific tastes, etc) but when i do its usually sansang, seongjoong, or whatever ship fic @tiesanjiaoshenanigans or @kireinalix ask me to beta are hehe

What do most of your ships usually have in common?

this is a good question and i dont really know the answer. my taste tends to favour characters who make a good parental unit (seongjoong, jingliu/baiheng), but i also enjoy the dynamics of amoral pairs (kafblade), as well as goofy lesbians having a good time (stellemarch)

What you absolutely hate in a ship?

if its boring tbh. if something feels boring or overdone im p much guaranteed not to like it. like jeanluc? theyre just boring to me. i also really dont enjoy the 'i knew you when you were a kid and then you grew up hot and now we're dating' thing

tagging @himbodevotee @morifiinwe @shineoftherainbow @kireinalix @aowyn and anyone else who follows me :3

[depressed-fanperson]

i had to leave because this made me emotional and a nightingale sang came on my spotify at the same time omg

also sorry guys i havent been active for the past couple days my house caught on fire and im living in a hotel

Hello Mr. Gaimen! I show and raise cows and when you get animals you have to name them. You know? So recently I read and watched good omens, and I happened to buy a completely black steer, the first thing I though of when I bought him was, Crowley's Bentley.

So, without further ado, meet Bentley!

He's gorgeous.

[lizaloveslevihan]

also, happy new year queen!

HAPPIEST BELATED NEW YEAR LOVE! Hope you had a great holiday season 🥺❤️

[hraicene]

—

[bakugohoex]

chapter seven ➺  hidden motives

pairing: pro hero katsuki bakugo x pro hero female reader

cw: language 

word count: 2100+

a/n: i promise this series will end soon, i just havent posted for it since decmber whoops, also i promise later on there will be be a lot more action between you and bakugo, i just need to set the plot up, and from the next two chapters theyve got a lot of contact between the two of you

summary:  in which the untrustworthiness of heroes has arised and you and toga get sent on your own little mission, what turns into gaining intel turns into something a lot bigger than you expected, with old friends coming back and an understandment that you were lied to for a very long time

chapter six | masterlist | chapter eight

↞ back to my hero academia masterlist

The purple bruises from last week had disappeared, but the burnt sensation around your wrist remained, it had began to heal but even then, the bandages that Bakugo replaced every night didn’t help. You and Bakugo sat in front of the tv, Tomura with a drink in his hand and Toga beside you trying to gain your attention.

“Can we still really trust the heroes?” One of the civilians had spoken through the TV but you had stopped paying attention. 

Toga’s lips curved to a smirk at the sight of the screen, the events of the prior week had been televised. The blazing night, the murders that occurred and then the couple, the couple you led to death. You could feel Bakugo shift his weight closer to you, he didn’t speak, no usual anger, he was complying watching along. Your face was the next to pop up, a picture taken at the scene where you had stopped the two police officers from grabbing Dabi.

“Ex pro hero Y/n Y/l/n was seen running out of an alleyway after what seemed to be her partner had robbed a convenience store, inside the alleyway were two unconscious police men. If you see this woman contact the police and stay away from her, she is highly dangerous…”

Bakugo closed the TV, seeing how your face had turned sour, “don’t worry about it.” It was soft but you could sense that he was getting more and more frustrated being surrounded by villains.

He had been on ice with Dabi, glaring at him whenever he could, refusing to go out with him and opting to go with Mr Compress. He hated this but most of all he hated seeing how vulnerable you had gotten. You were both cold and sad to him, he’d hear soft sobs some nights and others you were cold and reclusive.

You knew watching the broadcast what you were, a pawn. The Front would never need someone like you, they always wanted Bakugo, but you, they would wear you down until you died in your own means.

“Dabi should be back now, you both can go.” Tomura had told you and Toga that you’d both have to collect some files; it was easy enough to sneak into the commission. With both your quirks you could easily get past security and get the files that they needed. You didn’t question why Tomura had even asked you both to go, but you complied, and Toga had become impatient and grabbed your bandaged arm.

You had wanted to ask what Dabi had been doing but didn’t bother seeing him agitated. His mind was always eerily empty, he never had thoughts and was always just planning his next villainous plan or deciding a meeting for this mysterious man he had been associated with. He never spoke the name of the man and it seemed like nobody ever questioned where he went past midnight.

Suppressing the pain, you gain a fake grin to the girl, her grip still around your burnt arm, it would need checking up properly but that would never occur. You both began walking outside, your black hoodies covering your head and the sunglasses you wore. It had become a lot darker through the afternoon, so it looked normal enough.

Her voice kept playing in the back of your ears, you weren’t paying attention to her, her voice being very annoying, and you wished you could just tell her to fuck off. But you nodded, agreed at her words, acted out as a perfect little villain that you were.

“Y/n, we’re here.” Her cruel grin was evident in her malice tone, she looked between the commission building that you had been in, only three weeks ago. But here you were, a villain ready to infiltrate, you both hid to the side, already knowing what she was going to do.

Seeing the man come to the side, a cigarette in his hands, Toga grabbed her knife and stuck it in him before ingesting his blood. “Y/n now.” She spoke as he tried to scream for help, instead you controlled his head and pushed him into the concrete making him go unconscious. You saw the large rubbish container; you should’ve probably put him in there. But his bleeding head would be fine, and you still wanted him to be found.

You watched her transform in the man and began controlling those in the building. It was a mass group, but your main goal was to control those at the bottom floor and then in groups once you were passed security. She started walking towards the door and you followed, all the thoughts that filled your head would definitely give you a headache, but you kept at it, every single one of them was under your quirk, making them allow you through, letting you both into the elevator and with ease you had made it with the girl.

She tried to figure out what the man’s quirk was, but to no avail couldn’t, trying everything even hurting herself. But it didn’t work, “Y/n, you should’ve looked in his head to see what his quirk was.”

“Sorry, next time I will.” You tapped your foot impatiently; she watched your eyes skim the buttons of the elevator. You remember running away from this exact elevator to tell the president that you would agree to this.

You wondered how she was doing in a safe house, how Todoroki was doing, if being dead was nice and calm for the two of them. You knew when the plan was initiated, they’d both have there own reveals, how they could both go back to their own lives. But you knew most of all, that you’d owe Todoroki, you’d treat the boy to dinner or some other meal.

Toga softly pushed your arm, getting you out of your gaze, you followed her, controlling the cameras away from you both and finally reaching the file room. The commission had decided to have both paper and electronic copies of each human with a quirk, each pro hero and each villain. You had gone through the database a lot when you first started out as a sidekick, you knew the system by the back of your hand.

“We need hard copies.” You nodded, Tomura had gave you both a list to get the files for. You had assumed it was to see how he could vitalise different people to benefit him. But the list varied from normal humans, to pro heroes and villains, it didn’t make sense at all. You grabbed the files you and Toga had designated, before going through the pro heroes cabinet. Finding both yours and Bakugo’s file, your names in bold, with the words inactive stamped across it. You saw the photos they had used, it was fresh out of UA, how young you both had been, so vulnerable unaware of what was to come.

You softly skimmed on Bakugo’s photos, the nights you had been spending in the same bed had brought another side to the boy. Kinder, softer even, he still acted like a dickhead, but he knew the position you both were in and was trying to remind you of why you were even doing this.

“Y/n, I cant find this guy’s, help me.” She whined using the mans voice, it sounded horrific, but you nodded, dropping the files back in the cabinet and walking back to her.

“What’s the name?” She passes the piece of paper, taking a look at the name sprawled over it. The name Aone, you went through the A section, trying to look for the name.

That’s when you saw it, the name of someone a lot more familiar. The lettering was exact, even the surname was the same. But it couldn’t be, his name sprawled in a file of villains, a file of active villains. He couldn’t be, he was dead, he couldn’t exist, he couldn’t be alive. You touched the folder, your mind going through the motions, you heard a squeal Toga having found the file. But all you could see was the name, the name that you hadn’t heard since you were 15 years old. The name of the boy who had saved you, who you had lost.

Grabbing the folder and putting it on top of the others, you both left as quickly as you could. But as fate would have it the loud sound of an alarm blared through the rooms, the elevator had locked itself and being on the fifth floor was not the plan. You saw how heroes had come running up the stairs.

“What do we do Y/n?” Toga had transformed back to herself, and you knew there was only one way out.

You grabbed her, passing her the folders, “keep them tight, you trust me.” It was a stupid question, there was no trust within the two of you, you both were not even friends.

“Just do it.” She muttered grabbing onto the papers with a force, you held her arm, seeing the quirks activate around you.

And a face you hadn’t expected, “Y/n.”

“Deku.” You whispered. He had his arm out, the red and yellow circling his arms, you went into his head saying the words he was shocked to hear. A sorry, an apology, not something a true villain would ever say, he hadn’t expected to see you here, noticing the files in Toga’s hands. He wanted to stop you, but you had gone off in a run.

“Y/n don’t.” He shouted.

It hadn’t stopped you, the window shattered from the force, you both flew out of the window, falling lower and lower, you saw the rubbish container, moving it to where you’d land. It had been a quick movement, and you both landed with a loud scream into the rubbish.

“We have to run.” You said to her grabbing the files and taking off out of the rubbish heap. You took one look back to the building, Midoriya looking out of the window. The saddened face he had, you remembered the first time you had met him, having introduced yourself on the first day of UA. He had always thought of you to be the sweetest girl to ever exist. But here you were, and he could hardly even recognise you.

You could hear the pro heroes try and run after you, but you did something drastic to stop them. Moving the cars that had been on the road to crash into each other and stop the heroes movements, it was petty. But it had worked and both you and Toga both ran for your life’s worth.

Toga was the first to run into the Front’s building, you behind, you had slipped the file quickly away from her own grasp. Knowing she’d ask too many questions, “everything okay?”

Bakugo’s voice was softer and you tried to give a nod, but he continued, “she mentioned shitty Deku, what happened?”

“I’ll tell you later.” You tried to excuse yourself but were stopped by his own grip.

His eyes looked angry, but with a hint of worry, “don’t do this shit, tell me now.”

You looked down, not knowing how to speak, you just wanted to leave, find out the truth but you had to deal with the blond boy. “He was at the commission that was it.”

His grip on your arm had loosened but still lingered, eyeing you up and down. “Did you say anything to him?”

You shook your head, but the slam of the wall that you had been leaning against, caught everybody off guard. Toga stopping her recount of the event as she watched your eyes calmer than usual. The yellow sparks making the wall become ashier.

“Don’t fucking lie to me Y/n, not when we’ve been through too much.” He had known in an instant you had lied; he knew your tell so easily, how you’d answer questions with your facial expressions rather than speak out the lie.

He knew you too well, had paid attention to you for so many years. He knew you inside and out and it bothered him you had kept it from him. “I said I’m sorry, that’s it.” He looked at your eyes, you were hiding something more. He was not letting this go but had let go of your arm seeing you quickly excuse yourself to get changed. Instead you sat on the bed, the hoodie wrapped around your body, staring at the brown folder, the name on a small label at the top.

Why does a file even exist for him? Files for the dead get moved to the basement, it made no sense. Was there some sort of hidden motive for his file to even exist?

You took a deep breathe, opening the file to see the picture of the deceased boy and the words Active stamped across the field. The name of the boys sprawled largely in bold, it was him. A soft tap against the door and the name ahead of you. Akira was alive.

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

if you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just reply to any post and i’ll add you xx

@samusimp @alainarose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage @jennammaee @cathy8taffy @sugacious @moonlightaangel @kat-sukis-hoe @effmigentlywithachainsaw @swankiifiied @maat-the-prescriptive @missmultifangirl @tvwhoresblog @kuroos-world @chrrylevi @ukaisgratefulwhore @answer-the-sirens @animexholic

[lordgolden]

heyyyy im getting back into the fandom after not being active for a couple years and i was just wondering if you could rec me some of your favorite fics from the past year ish? i havent really known where else to look and id be so appreciative!!!

hey anon!! I’m also in the same boat and getting active in the fandom again for the first time since 2014 :) sorry I’ve been sitting on this for a few days. I was debating whether or not I should make a full rec list, but I’m just too busy right now so maybe I will over break :)

to find fanfic, I usually use @destielfanfic (or just go on ao3 and use their tagging and sort by kudos) I think it’s mostly just an archive now, but they have a phenomenal tag list. 

My fav fic that I’ve read recently has been Dean (and Cas’) Top 13 Zepp Traxx (and everything I’ve read from that author has been great). Two of my other all-time favs are All Things Shining and Aprés. I also remember really liking Named but I haven’t gotten around to rereading it yet. I also recently read Deeper and Deeper into the World and it was amazing.

hope this helps!

[love-killed-the-superstar]

i havent been drawing or writing pokemon stuff for ages and im currently too busy to make something new in time for drew appreciation day so i thought id post some wip respectshipping stuff under the cut that i dont THINK ive posted before?? if i have im sorry, im a bit dry on drew content rn!!

for context the scenes are taken from a sequel to my respect oneshot, sparks, set during a pride festival!

Ash slipped his hand into Drew's, and Drew glanced at him rigidly.

“What are you doing?” he asked. He didn't need to look to know that May and Brock had noticed, and were giving each other knowing smiles.

“Holding your hand?” Ash said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I know that. Why?”

Ash furrowed his brow. “Why am I holding your hand? We're... well, together, Drew.” It felt weird to say it out loud, and his frown melted into an elated smile. “We're boyfriends. And this is a festival celebrating the kind of relationship we have. Isn't this the best time to do it?”

Drew's cheeks began to burn under the unspoken pressure. Of course, he liked to touch Ash in private, hold his hands and cup his cheeks and kiss him, but public displays of affection had never been his thing. Giving out roses was different, of course – it was part of the charming persona he put on. He wasn't ashamed of his sexuality, and he certainly wasn't ashamed of Ash; but there was a time and a place for physical affection, and in the middle of a crowded street wasn't what he considered an opportune moment.

“We... we don't do this out in the open, Ash,” he reasoned. Ash shrugged.

“If you're sure.”

Ash dropped his hand, and at first Drew felt relief. But just moments later, he realised how cold his hand suddenly felt without the familiar warmth of Ash's.

With a huff, he grabbed it back.

“Jerk.”

...

“I'll only enter this contest if you enter the battle tournament.”

“Like hell. I don't get my kicks from raw power battles, sorry.”

“And I don't get my kicks from showing off how pretty my pokemon can be, but I'm willing to compromise. This is like, a couple activity. You know, so we can bond.”

“You know contests are about so much more than beauty, Ash. For the record, they say it's healthy for couples to not do everything together.”

“And we don't! We hardly see each other when we're travelling, so this'll be a special occasion!”

Ash and Drew were bickering again, as usual, though Brock had to admit it was far more entertaining seeing them argue over trivial matters such as 'couple activities' than having to watch them stew in their own feelings for the past few years. Getting to see them comfortable around each other was refreshing.

“Look, battles aren't romantic – contests aren't romantic! It's about you and your pokemon, not about you and your pokemon and your annoying boyfriend and his pokemon.”

“But I already told my mom we'd be battling together! She's recording it!”

“Your mother needs a new hobby that doesn't involve snooping on our relationship at any given moment,” Drew quipped, but he seemed a little less defensive at that. “She's really gonna be watching us?”

Ash patted his shoulder. “I told you she's trying to be supportive. She was excited when I mentioned the festival to her, actually. She asked me to pick her up a souvenir, like a badge or a wristband or something? And she was all, 'tell Drew I said hi!' so... yeah, she said hi.”

“And you're only mentioning this now.” Drew threw up his hands in exasperation. “Didn't it cross your mind to tell me earlier?”

“That she said hi?” Ash quirked an eyebrow. “My bad? Look, she asked me to call her tonight. If you want, I'll let you listen in.”

Drew clasped his hands together. “Maybe I'll... say hi back,” he said, licking his lower lip nervously. Ash grinned.

“You know, I think she'd like that.”

“This is heart-warming and all,” Brock smirked, finishing the last of his coffee, “but if you guys don't hurry up and compromise, you'll run out of time to sign up.”

And with that, their bickering was back to square one.

...

Delia's face appeared on the screen and she smiled warmly.

“Well hello there, Ash! Are you enjoying the festival so far?”

“Oh yeah! It's amazing. I never knew how big Sinnoh's gay community was until now.”

“Well, I'm glad you're having a good time. You're participating in the tag team battle tournament tomorrow, right?”

Ash's face fell slightly.

“I don't know. I was meant to be taking part with Drew, but he isn't so big on battling, so we haven't signed up yet.”

“Well, I'm sure you'll work it out,” Delia said with a sympathetic smile. “And how is Drew doing? Did you tell him I said hello?”

Ash's eyes lit up.

“Yeah, he's doing great! Actually... he talked about saying hi back. If you wanted to speak to him.”

Delia blinked in surprise.

“Oh, he wanted to talk to me?”

Ash smiled consiprationally.

“He'll never admit it to me but he really wants to make a good impression on you, Mom.”

Her cheeks were pink with pride and she chuckled lightly.

“Very well, hand him over.”

Unsurprisingly, Drew stepped out from just beyond view of the camera – Delia realised he was listening in the entire time, but decided to keep this revelation to herself for the time being.

“Why hello there, Drew. I suppose this is the first time we've talked since you two made the announcement.”

He nodded sheepishly.

“Yeah. Um, Ash and I don't travel together often. We parted ways after the visit, so... yeah. You're looking well, ma'am.”

“Oh please, call me Delia,” she said with a dismissive wave, then smiled. “I'm so excited to see the two of you compete in the tag battle tournament tomorrow!”

If Drew had been on the fence about it prior, he certainly wasn't anymore.

“Yes! Uh, we're looking forward to it, aren't we, Ash?”

Ash, looking both flabbergasted at the turn of events and also ecstatic at the news, nodded hastily.

“Yep! That's right, and the day after we're entering the pride contest! Since we're trainer and coordinator, we thought we'd do both!”

Ash grinned at his mother (mouthing how did you do that?? towards her) and she gave him a knowing wink in return.

“How wonderful! I've heard your coordinator skills are marvellous, Drew! I'm looking forward to it. It's a shame I couldn't be there in person.”

“Not sure this is your kind of scene, Mom,” Ash said with a laugh. “But it's been great! I got you a wristband, it's rainbow like a pride flag!”

“How sweet! Did you pick one up for Mimey too?”

Ash beamed and fished a pair of wristbands from his pocket.

“You know I did! Nothing but the best for you guys!”

“Mimey's been so excited for you too, dear. We'll wear them with pride!” She giggled at her own joke, and then clasped her hands together.

“By the way, you two, I was wondering how you would feel about the three of us sitting down for a meal in Pallet Town after the festival.” Her gaze flickered between the two of them. “You know, so that Drew and I can get to know each other better.”

Ash found the scar on the end of his ring finger suddenly very interesting to stare at.

“I don't know, Mom. I mean... maybe the timing isn't-”

“Sure, Mrs – uh, Delia.”

Ash glanced up in surprise at Drew, whose facial expression didn't give away his nerves like his shaking hands did, carefully out of Delia's view.

“Drew, you mean it?”

“Of course.” He offered Ash a quick smile. “Delia, I look forward to visiting again.”

“Wonderful!” Delia clapped her hands together and beamed. “Well, boys, I have to be going, but I'll be taping the matches! Good luck, both of you!”

The moment the call ended, Drew trudged back up to the rooms and headed over to his bed, flopping down rather ungracefully face first. Ash perched on the end of his own bed.

“Your mom is nice,” Drew said after a while, face emerging from his pillow. Ash chewed his lower lip.

“She means well, she really does want you to know each other now we're dating, but... we don't have to do this dinner if you're not ready for it.”

Drew opened his eyes to peer at Ash incredulously.

“What? No. I didn't just agree to it because your mom was giving me the same look you give me when you want something. I'm ready for this, you know? I want your mother to like me. I want to know the person who helped make you who you are.”

He took a deep breath.

“May finding out about us... it opened my eyes. For years I worried about what people would think of me if they knew. Then I realised, the world isn't one big contest. When it comes to who you are, the only one whose judgement matters is you.”

“Drew...”

“You mean a lot to me, Ash. I want to be a part of your world, and I want to introduce you to mine.”

“You sap.” Ash moved over to Drew's bed and rested his head against Drew's shoulder. “I'd really like that, though. I know our journey has been pretty rocky, but I just love being around you. And now we can be open about it, I've gotten so excited.”

Drew pressed a kiss to his forehead, and grinned.

“Now who's the sap?”

[brushes-of-sage]

Alchemy. It was the only thing that was uniting the princes of Arendelle. While a door had separated the two brothers for the past five years, Hugo found a way to still stay connected to his brother. It all started three years ago, when Hugo realized he was running out of things to do. Oh sure, there were plenty of things in the castle, but that number reduces *significantly* when you realize there’s no one to do these things with you. So, Hugo decided to take up alchemy again. (1/?)

Alright lemme try to see if the keep reading works:

He had stopped working with alchemy when Varian had disappeared behind that cursed door, since alchemy was just another painful reminder of the brother he felt he lost. It was one of the brothers' favorite things to do, along with… along with... well, Hugo couldn’t really remember. The more he tried thinking about things he did with his brother that wasn’t alchemy, he got nothing, just laughter and a small headache. But, the number of things to occupy his time were getting thin.

So, he decided to give alchemy a try. This turned out to be a great decision. Not only did it serve as a distraction, but it served as something to keep his mind going. This distraction worked well for a few weeks until he hit a roadblock. He was trying to perfect an alchemical ice bomb that he had started when he was younger, but could never finish. But nothing seemed to be working. After staring at his disaster of a note pile for the better part of an hour, a little voice in his head said,

“You could go to Varian for help”

“No,” he snapped back, “If Varian wanted to help me or be there for me, he would leave his room. Clearly he doesn’t want to talk to me, or anyone for that matter.” Hugo didn’t want to admit it, but he was starting to get a bit mad at Varian. They were the best of brothers for years, and then just one day, Varian just shuts himself in his room, without a single word as to why. He laid his head on his desk and sighed. “Ah, who am I kidding? I’m going crazy just sitting here, I need to talk to someone, even if its nothing more than alchemy notes.”He gets up, grabs his notes, and starts to make his way to a door he passed by and stared at a million times before. On the way though, his mind is going through a back and forth battle: He wont wanna talk to you! Yes, he does, we havent spoken in forever! I wonder why? Besides its just some alchemy help, I’m not asking anything too extreme! All he has to do is fix a couple equations! What if he tears it up and ignores it, just like he has you these past few years? After this comment, Hugo ended up backtracking back to his room. He’d go tomorrow. Right?

Wrong. It took him three weeks before he found himself staring at the door that plagued his existence for two years now. He raised his hand to knock, and before he could back out, knocked twice and slid the notes through the crack under the door. He started anxiously pacing, his mind going back to the constant battle in his mind that had been raging for the past 3 weeks. After a couple minutes of pacing, Hugo was just about to leave when he heard 2 knocks, and paper slide back under the crack. Instantly, the flurry of anxious thoughts started up again, worrying it would come back blank or with a note saying Varian wouldn't help him. His hands shook as he opened the notes to reveal.. the completed solution. He read the solution 2 3 4 times before a huge smile spread across his face and he laughed a huge genuine laugh he hadn’t used in two years. These notes meant 2 big things: One, he finally had a solution to an alchemy problem he’d had since he was nine. And two, the more important one in Hugo’s opinion, is that his brother doesn’t hate him. That scary thought had crossed his mind multiple times and he had always quickly shot it down, but there was always that one tiny voice who would always say, “But, does he though?” Now, that voice was as good as dead. Varian didn’t hate him. He wasn’t giving him the *total* silent treatment. Maybe he could work up from here, have conversations through the door, send notes, maybe even ask why he was doing any of this in the first place.Just as he’s about to leave for his lab to finish the ice bombs with the now completed formula, Hugo heard two knocks on the door and stopped. He wasn’t expecting anything else. He looked at the bottom of the door and saw a small stack of papers slide under and he picked them up. It was a stack of alchemy notes titled “Melting Bomb” The notes were full of blank spaces and question marks and there was a note attached that said:

Hugo-Please assist me in completing this formula for a melting alchemy bomb. I have been on and off of this project for the past few years, and some assistance would be much appreciated. Thank you.-Varian

As excited as Hugo was that his brother was reaching out to him, and actively looking for his help, he couldn’t help but feel a bit…disappointed at the formality of the note. As if Hugo were some stranger that Varian had just met and had to put up formalities and not his own brother. Nevertheless, he shouts a quick “Be right back!” and dashes off to his room to grab a quill and inkwell. While he runs, he reads over the notes and finds the answer fairly quickly. It wasn’t all that hard, it just was in desperate need of a fresh set of eyes. He scribbled down the answers as quick as possible, not wanting to keep Varian waiting. He runs back to Varians room, knocks 2 times and slips the notes under the door. After a couple of minutes, he hears a soft gasp, the quick scratching of a quill, and a new note being shoved under the door. Hugo picked up the note and stared at the messy handwriting and smiled. This was the big brother he remembered. Thanks for the help! Now go work on your project! This went on for the next few months with notes. Sometimes it wasn't just alchemy they talked about. It started simple, like “How’s your day going” and things like that.

Then it slowly evolved to things like “Get some rest Haristripe” and “You haven’t eaten yet today have you, Hugo?” (Both weren’t exactly the best at self care, especially when they were caught up in their work). The day Hugo finally heard Varian talk was one of the best days of his life. Obviously, he had heard his brother talk before, but it had been years since they had spoken, and as the time passed, Hugo’s memories of Varian’s voice faded. Plus, with the time passing, he knew his voice would have changed. So, when Varian finally said a soft “Thank you”, Hugo’s face lit up with a huge smile. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, Hugo treasured every word he said, committing them to memory. For a while, things were going great. Until one fateful day, when Hugo pushed his luck just a *bit* more than he probably should have. The day started out normal enough, Hugo worked on some experiments he didn’t finish last night, ate some lunch, and then after lunch he grabbed his notes that needed Varian’s help, and started making his way to his room. However, on the way, he realized that as happy as he was to be able to talk to Varian, it didn’t feel *right*. A relationship based solely on notes slipped under a door and minimal verbal talking felt like a false one. What Hugo wanted to know more than anything, was *why*. Why had Varian shut him and the rest of the world out? If it was so necessary, why hadn’t he at least attempted some form of contact? This one word question had plagued Hugo’s mind ever since the door had closed, and he had never really had the confidence to ask it: until now.

So, he went back to his room and wrote out a letter. It was simple, a little more formal than usual, but to the point. It read: Varian- We’ve been talking with each other for a while now, and I feel we are at a point where I can ask this question: Why? Why have you locked yourself in your room and away from the rest of the world? Was it something I did? You can answer as vaguely or specifically as you like, I just would really like some answers. Thanks, Hugo

His hands shook as he folded the letter and slid it under the door. He knew to give Varian a little extra time, this wasn’t just a simple math problem. So Hugo waited. And waited. And waited, until it was dinner time and his stomach forced him to get some food. The whole time, his mind was at war with itself once again: See? You just had to push your luck, didn’t you? He’s giving you the cold shoulder ‘cause you couldn’t leave well enough well enough. No! He’s not giving me the cold shoulder, he’s just taking his time to formulate a response. It’s probably a really long story. Keep telling yourself that. I will! ‘Cause it’s true! If the positive side of Hugo was right, Varian sure was taking his sweet old time, because it was 3 weeks before anything happened. Three weeks of absolute silence from the older prince. The only reason things changed was because Hugo took the brave first step of sliding alchemy notes through the door. Five minutes later, it came back with notes and edits. There were no additional quips, remarks, or any explanations like he had requested three weeks earlier, but this was better than silence. They soon fell back into the routine they had before: notes, minimal verbal communication, and various quips. It felt good to get back to that routine, but a small part of Hugo still ached for answers that he feared would never come. But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.(20/20)

((And there it is! The final part! I hope u enjoyed reading it, this is the first time ive really written something i didnt hate *and* am sharing this with someone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, this means more than u know. Thank you also for letting me take over ur inbox😅Next up im doing this story but w/ varians pov, which ive already started. Thx again! -💙

Ahhhhhh, first off, sorry for getting to this later than I usually do!! These past few weeks have been hectic and I’ve been needing to take a step back and focus more on school and classes and stuff, but I finally got to reading this and OMIGOSH I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

(Hope you don’t mind if I just added in some italics and kinda changed the formatting to make it easier to read - didn’t take anything off or anything, but the way tumblr formats asks is a bit weird lol, hope that doesn’t offend you! - also number 7 somehow went missing? 😅)

But OMIGOSH YO - just my heart akfjajdjaj 🥺 The two of them building their relationship slowly through passing letters underneath the door? Oh my heart, and the way you can just feel them getting closer and happier because of it?

But then Hugo asking Varian the why - why did he shut him out, why was he behind the door, why can’t they see each other - and then Varian just suddenly going back to that stiff and formal demeanor after that akfjakfjja I cry ahhhhhhh-

“But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.” - JUST RIP MY HEART OUT BLUE NONNIE AHDKGKAKJD

I absolutely loved seeing Hugo’s hesitance then excitement and eagerness to get closer to his brother whom he barely even knows besides a few memories (and ha, I see the headache there 👀) and only to see that he went too far and the fragile bond they’d forged again had melted and akfjakfjaj the FEELS-

Thank you for sharing and for letting me read your writing! I’m excited to see what you’ve got next for Varian’s POV!!! 😱

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[loveisbraveandwild]

hi so i’ve gotten a lot of messages and asks/anons about attending the city of lover concert and i just want to tell my experience and explain how it happened, as well as address some things like my “views” on international fans and class. a lot of people are excited for me but i also came back tot some really really really hateful anons so i just wanted to clear everything up. the post is very long but it basically talks about being abroad, going to sessions, and then this weekend in paris.

as you may or may not know i’m currently doing a semester abroad in germany. i’m really fortunate to go to a university in the states that has a strong study abroad program allowing me to study in germany without paying an additional cost from what i already pay my uni. knowing i was going abroad, i saved as much money as possible because i knew i wanted to travel. because of my visa, i am not allowed to work in germany. i haven’t not had a job since middle school. as a full time student in the states i also work three jobs. during the summer i was working around 50-70 hours a week. i’m privileged and fortunate enough to be able to take out a lot of student loans and what i can’t take out, my parents pay. aside from my education, i fully pay for everything. traveling while abroad was a priority for me so i was able to save a good bit a money.

in addition to saving for abroad i was pocketing about $10/week for what at the time i knew to be the ts7 tour. when i got my call to go to rhode island and then nashville i spent every dollar i had for tour on a plane and airbnb in nashville. other people stayed in hotels, i stayed in a $34/night airbnb and while i always imagined my dad would be there when i met taylor, he couldn’t come. i was lucky that many of my friends who i met up with in nashville had parents generous enough to pay for multiple meals of mine. despite all of this, i recognize my privilege of being able to go to sessions. i was saving for things that definitely aren’t necessities because i have the means to between my babysitting, sales associate, and paid internship jobs. while i havent spoken about it much because i honestly don’t know how to talk about it without getting backlash, i want to make it very clear that i do not for a second take for granted the fact that i was able to fly to nashville with 8 days notice as a result of the class and financial situation i am currently in. 

going back to abroad, i knew i was going to paris. i didn’t know when but its been a dream of mine since i started learning french at age 11. i imagined a short weekend with a few abroad friends to site see. when taylor announced the city of lover concert, i reached out to a couple of my international fan mutuals with the hopes of being able to meet up with them. i knew this concert was for international fans and i never for one second considered taking an opportunity away from an international fan. when yas and i discussed going to paris together it was clear that had she won tickets, she was going to go with someone else despite us staying together because we know there are people who have never seen taylor because of where they live. my plan was to go to the venue and meet up with friends and maybe catch a glimpse of scott or tree if we were lucky. i got a round trip flight for 97 euros and stayed in a hostel and explored paris alone for a few days until yas came to paris. my program doesn’t allow friday classes so i left thursday evening and then flew back to germany at 4am this morning because i had class at 9am. i did skip class on monday though, something i am eternally grateful for being able to do. 

the day of the concert we arrived around 3 and met up with the handful of people we knew were going. the day of the concert i learned that doors opened at 6:00pm and the concert started at 8:30pm. i didn’t know this until i was in paris. i also got pickpocketed the day before the concert so wasn’t able to access social media with the exception of a few times because of yas’s generosity and willingness to let me use her phone. had i had full access to my phone, i would have posted when and where the concert was.

when we arrived there was a barricade section of people without tickets but with the hopes of going in. there were about two dozen of them and almost all, if not all of them were european swifties. we found it odd that they were holding these people considering staff said multiple times that there were no more tickets. however, yas and i were still planning to leave at around 6:15/6:30 after everyone was let into the concert. at around 5:45 we were still there, people were getting excited, and i said to yas “i want to get into the barricade. what’s the worst that can happen.” after they let the first group of people into the concert venue they opened the barricade and gave us all bracelets. i was about fifth from last to get my bracelet and they still had what looked to be 20 or so more bracelets to give out. i was shocked. i was crying, shaking, smiling, all the good things. i could not believe what was happened. i never went to the venue with the intentions of getting in even for a second but i knew that if i got into the barricade with literally fifteen minutes until the doors opened i wouldn’t be taking a spot from anyone if they did distribute tickets. there’s no way anyone could have predicted they would let us in because staff made if very clear both day of and days leading up to the event that all the tickets were won or bought. me being there did not take a spot away from anyone. if i hadn’t gone in that would have been one less person at the concert, not one more spot for an international fan. i recognize my privilege of being able to go to paris at all, let alone with someone i had never met before for an event i wasnt even going to. 

i spoke a lot about the concert leading up to it, in addition to the experiences i’ve had since being abroad the last few weeks. i had no idea what its like to be an international fan and im frustrated that it took me walking a mile in international fans shoes to actually speak about it. i should have said something sooner, and i know that. i still stand by every single thing i said or reblogged about the injustices of being an international fan. again, my experience at the concert was not in spite of international fans. i want to continue to be an ally for international fans if welcomed to, but many of the anons i got suggested i should never talk about it again. additionally, i got a lot of asks about my privilege. this is something i know i need to address more directly and its honestly one of the hardest issues for me to talk about. the school i go to and the people i am surrounded by often puts me on the lower class side but in the real world and in this fandom i know i am extremely privileged. im not well educated on how to talk about my class privilege but its something i very much want to learn and so i am actively trying. this fandom has already taught me so much.

i’m sorry this is so long but i needed to get my story out because i’m still very distraught by the dozens of hateful asks i got about the concert. this was easily the second best weekend of my life and i boarded my plane back to germany shaking over the anons i knew i would come back to. i understand all the anger and frustration because i know there are people who have been here for years without even a notice let alone the opportunities i’ve gotten over the past month and a half. i want to talk about it but only in a constructive manner. i still dont have my phone to replies will be delayed but please feel free to comment, send me asks/anons, or messages if you took the time to read this post. 

[charmingcentry]

Nodes

Summary: Beca discovers about Chloe’s vocal nodule surgery over spring break after their acapella performance with the brunette’s change to the setlist. She decides to visit.

Entry for Day 5 - Why Are You Here?

AO3

-

It was the beginning of spring break and Beca couldn't feel more unhappy.

She could see the steam blow out of Aubrey’s head and Beca felt tears rise to her own eyes when the blonde made the choice of removing the brunette from the Bellas.

And no one stood up for her.

Not Fat Amy, not Stacie, not even Jessica, the most optimistic and smiley person in the group, no. Not even Chloe Beale, the co-captain. The only person who did defend the brunette, Beca screamed frustratedly at. She had turned right on her heel and stormed out of the auditorium.

Because that's what she did best.

If all else fails, she runs.

-

Beca misses strolling over to rehearsal every day at 4:00, even if she wasn't particularly fond of the captain or the cardio activity. She misses the parts where Stacie couldn't stop groping herself and the group would end up in a laughing fit. Beca misses how Fat Amy occasionally orders pizza during cardio and would dine in front of the girls with absolutely zero fucks given. She misses Lilly’s ominous comments and how her face would spontaneously pucker up.

Most of all, she misses that person who she sang Titanium in the shower with.

Beca misses Chloe Beale with her bright blue eyes full of hope.

As cliché as it may sound, the redhead made practice more enjoyable and worthwhile. The little winks Chloe would throw Beca during their stretching, the compliments of how good Beca executes a dance move even though the brunette is aware of how she's been half-heartedly doing these dance moves for the past couple of months. She misses how Chloe and she would usually be the last ones to leave rehearsal because the redhead insisted on walking Beca back to her dormitory.

Those were times Beca took for granted and now she may not even see the girls on a regular basis. Her first female friend group disappeared right before Beca’s very eyes just like that.

Everyone has each other's phone numbers, Aubrey created a Bellas group chat with everyone's number on it and was left with a text from Chloe.

Bree and I are proud of everyone's hard work put into this season… hopefully, you guys can carry on and get into the Championship next year! xxx

It was left on read by everyone, even Aubrey… looks like everyone was bitter after that performance. No one has texted the group chat ever since the performance which isn't surprising. Hell, no one even texted one another separately, even if Beca was on good terms with the other Bellas - must've felt awkward.

At this point, Beca didn't have any friends around with the exception of her roommate Kimmy Jin. Well, more like she's the only person that the brunette is able to communicate with… the Asian roommate still wasn't fond of Beca. Even if that may be the case, Beca still preferred to keep to pent up all of her frustrations.

She didn't know what else to do.

-

Beca's huddled up in the corner of her small bed, watching a movie. She's sniffling and crying when she notices her phone vibrate - it's been on vibrate ever since the group's fallout. The brunette wipes her tears away and picks up the phone and notices her father’s name.

Dad 1 text message

Beca quirked up an eyebrow as she removed her headphones, it's odd that her father would message her out of the blue, the two haven't talked or seen each other since Beca had gotten arrested even if they’re on the same campus. Before the brunette could answer, her phone pings again.

Dad 2 text messages

Beca decides to open the texting app.

Is your friend Chloe okay? I heard she got surgery and that’s why she hasn’t been attending study groups lately.

Surgery? What could Chloe be getting surgery for? Beca begins to text until her father sends another message.

Do you not know?

Beca swiftly types across her keyboard, head tilted.

havent talked to her since the performance

Oh. How’s the Bellas?

Beca looks up to the ceiling to prevent more tears from falling. havent talked to them since the performance.

I’m sorry.

Beca hovers her thumbs over the keyboard, circling around letters. She tugs at her bottom lip, she knows what she will ask might become a mess - but Beca is tired of running. do u know the address of the hospital?

Oh! Let me ask one of the students here… Chloe’s really close with the study group people.

The brunette nodded and removed the blanket on top of her along with the bulky black headphones. She shut down her laptop as she waited for her father to respond, slipping her boots on. Her phone pings and Beca immediately opened her phone.

423 Carnegie Way. You planning to visit?

It was too obvious at this point to lie. yes. can i take ur car?

Go ahead. Parked by your dormitory. You have the spare key right?

yeah

Okay, drive safely.

Beca shuts her phone off and just as she’s about to run out the door, her roommate stops her.

“Your makeup, idiot.” Kimmy Jim deadpans, the brunette turns around with a slightly amused expression as she walks over to her mirror. She notices her eyeliner smudged from the crying and somehow forgotten. Beca walks over to her bedside drawer and grabs a packet of makeup wipes then walks back out. “Beca?”

The brunette turns around. “Yeah what’s up?”

“Good job.” Kimmy Jins answers, Beca could tell she was fighting back a smile.

“Cya Kimmy Jin.”

The brunette exits the dormitory building towards her father’s car in the parking lot. Beca unlocks the vehicle and sits in the driver’s seat, wiping off the heavy eyeliner from her face and immediately starts the car once her makeup is completely removed. She pulls out of the parking lot as she starts the GPS for the hospital Chloe is located at. This is either going to be a big mistake or the greatest thing Beca has done.

The brunette parks her father’s car which is intact - Beca accidentally scratched his car against a tree during high school and he won’t forget it. Beca turns off the engine and exits the vehicle and enters the quiet building. She walks towards the receptionist and notices the “Visting Hours” sign is lit, luck is on Beca’s side today. The receptionist looks up and smiles gently at Beca, she looks like she hasn’t received much sleep.

“How may I help you?”

Beca clears her throat and speaks in a lower octave. “Is there anyone by the name of Chloe Beale here?”

The receptionist quirks up an eyebrow. “Who may you be? Visitors can only be friends and family.”

“Oh, I’m her friend. I’m in the same acapella group as her, the Barden Bellas.” Beca groans at herself internally, she has a tendency to overshare when nervously speaking with strangers.

“Alright… yes, she’s here. Would you like to visit her?” Beca nods. The receptionist logs information into the computer and grabs the untearable visitor bands from underneath her desk. Beca holds out her wrist as the receptionist wraps the band around her wrist and cuts off the excess part. “She’s on level 3, room 303. Enjoy your visit.”

Beca waves goodbye at the friendly receptionist and walks to the elevators, pressing the third-floor button. She feels her heart rate pick up and hands go clammy, not sure whether if she’s nervous for Chloe’s reaction or seeing the redhead in general. The brunette’s mouth goes dry as the elevator doors open, Beca immediately being able to see her room on the right-hand side of the building. She slowly approaches the door and takes a shaky breath. The brunette opens the door.

Chloe is dressed in a hospital gown and she manages to make those displeasing gowns look good. She’s staring out of the window, earbuds plugged into her ear as she nods slowly along with a beat. Beca walks closer to her bed and the redhead slowly turns her head towards the brunette, she gapes her mouth open as she removes her earbuds.

“Hi Chlo…” Beca awkwardly waves, confused when Chloe turns away. She’s relieved to find the redhead turn back around with a pen and notepad.

Why are you here?

Beca takes a seat at the edge of her bed. “Just wanted to see how you were… did your surgery go well? What was it for?” The brunette asks, nervously fidgeting with her hands. Chloe smiles and writes her response down once again, Beca notices she switched hands for writing this time… ambidextrous.

It went well, I’m on vocal rest. And it’s cute how you worry. Remember my nodes? I removed them…

The brunette’s jaw drops as she inches closer to Chloe. “Oh wow, that’s… shit. Can you still sing?” Chloe nods and writes a note down.

Can’t sing above a G# maybe ever. Probably have to take voice therapy for like four to six weeks.

Beca brushes a stray hair behind her ear out of nervousness. “I’m sorry about that. At least you can still sing after right?” The redhead nods and writes a reply down.

You’re the first person to visit me you know? I expected maybe Aubrey or something but no… it's you. How come?

“I don’t know… felt like I was required too. You’re my friend.” Chloe’s smile washes over her face, that’s the first she’s smiled since Beca walked in. “Also… I’m really sorry for what I said to you after the performance. It was so fucked up and I wish I could take it back.” The redhead grabs Beca’s hand as she writes down another note.

No, it’s fine. I’m sorry too, I should’ve stood up to Bree. And that’s the first time I’ve heard you mention that I’m your friend :)

Beca laughs at the smiley face drawn at the end. “Yeah… don’t tell anyone. I have this whole ‘badassery’ vibe going on here.” The brunette gestures to her body with the hand not being held by Chloe’s. The redhead rolls her eyes and the smile grows wider. There’s silence between the two as Beca stares into Chloe’s bright blue eyes, blushing at the sight of her smile. Beca breathes in and lets out a shaky breath. “I really missed you Chlo.” The redhead’s eyes widen a bit as she writes once again.

I missed you too. Have you talked to any of the other girls yet?

Beca shakes her head no.

Wow, I’m the first? I’m special, aren’t I ;)

“Don’t get too cocky there Beale.” The brunette teases while smirking. “You just, I miss seeing your smile and going to practices with you and shit…” Chloe tilts her head. “I’ve never really felt close to someone until you? Maybe that’s because you saw me naked within like a week of meeting each other… that’s at least two bases you skipped there.” Beca jokes, causing Chloe to bite down her lip to prevent laughing too much. “I just… really really like you and I was worried about you and… yeah.” Beca is confused as to why Chloe’s eyes were huge until she realized what she just said. She stands from the bed, covering her mouth. “Shit I- fuck.” Chloe quickly scribbles down something on her notepad.

Wait, Beca no it’s okay! Sit back down.

The brunette clenches her hands into fists and slowly sits down. “I’m sorry I just… I tend to ramble and just, ugh fuck! I’m just so bad with this type of stuff…” Chloe gestures for Beca to come closer and so Beca does. The redhead plants a soft kiss on the corner of Beca’s mouth and smiles when Beca appears to be dumbfounded. Chloe immediately scribbles something on her notepad.

I really like you too idiot.

Beca rolls her eyes as she slowly grazes over the corner of her mouth with her fingertips, the feeling of Chloe’s lips still lingering. The brunette blushes as Chloe slips her hand into Beca’s. The redhead notices the time and frowns. She writes in her notepad with her free hand.

Hospital people don’t like it when you stay for too long… you should probably get going.

Beca frowned as she slowly stood up, still holding hands with Chloe. “Yeah… probably.” Chloe scribbles something down.

I hope the Bellas will regroup sometime soon.

The brunette nods. “Yeah me too…” Beca plants a kiss on Chloe’s forehead and waves goodbye to her possible girlfriend. The brunette leaves the hospital with a smile on her face and the feeling of Chloe’s lips still tingling the corner of her mouth. When she enters her father’s car, she immediately gets a text from Chloe.

FOOTNOTES LEADER WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND GROUP WAS DISQUALIFIED. WE’RE BACK IN BEC!

She smiles as she starts the car… luck was really on her side today.

[aro-aizawa]

okay so kind of vent post but update post too bc im kind of stressing and dealing with my stress in the only way i know how: ignoring it. so first off if i’ve promised you anything and haven’t spoken about it then i’m super sorry and either im working on it or im being way too perfectionist with it and it’s actively fighting me no matter what i do. so yeah. it’ll happen.....eventually im sorry. 

second thing i want to talk about is bhaf. i’ve kind of? hit a brick wall? in writing it? like i have the entirety of usj planned, mostly all neatly organised with shiny bullet points and little sentences that i want to include. but...its just not working with me? 

(also cut bc wow this went on longer than i expected oops - also to the peeps who don’t follow me because of my writing then uhh dont worry abt this i guess lmao)

its kind of feels like convincing a toddler to settle down in bed to read them a bedtime story except the toddler got hopped up on sugar earlier in the day and literally won’t sit still even for a second. so im running about the room frantically trying to catch them and put them in bed so i can read them their story and i can go to sleep. 

i mean its sorta like that but not at all. what im saying is its being unimaginably difficult. 

its been almost three weeks since i last added to chapter 14 and its killing me with stress. because lowkey i have a fear that if i stop updating for long periods of time that i’m going to lose most all my readers. aaaand that kind of stresses me because i don’t want to mess anything up with bhaf. its the first time i’ve had more than five people following the story so yeah i’ve kind of been working hard at it. 

and when i hit a wall like this it makes me angry. because i’ve hit enough walls with projects to know that this is what makes me stop working on a project for months or rather years in my old habits (though honestly my old update schedule was one 1.5k word chapter every six months so). 

one way that i usually try to get around that road block is that i work on new projects. i take an idea i have and run with it like it’s my main project. i throw myself into it and one day when i’m planning out stuff or writing for that new project, i’ll suddenly get hit with an idea for my main and jump ships again to get back to that project. and that was the plan! i was actually going to start up a new project called ad victoriam! which im super excited about!!

but the one thing that’s kind of stopping me with this plan is the fear that i mentioned before. i don’t want to lose any interest. and i dunno, it feels like the only one that truly cares for this fic is me? even if i do get a lot of comments per chapter (like theres 20 on chapter 13 that i havent replied to yet holy--) i dunno. maybe im just way too self-deprecating to really acknowledge that others care about this fic. 

so im kind of in a bind. im so stressed by not updating bhaf, but ive hit a complete road block creatively. the only way to get past that road block is to do other creative stuff away from the road block. but the stress of keeping reader happy its sorta weighing on me and crushing any inspiration i have for another project.

um. i dont....have anything else to say. im not sure what im going to do now, but i think its safe to say that bhaf might be getting a little hiatus? at least until i can find a way to ease up all this stress. i have one other way in mind, but im still not 100% sold on yet i guess. but if i do that’d still mean the hiatus is there but i’d still be working on bhaf but not in any meaningful way? 

okay i’ll stop being vague but im basically considering rewriting the earlier chapters. nothing big, like adding in scenes or anything, but i dunno just improving the general quality and tweaking a few things i missed, smoothing out inconsistencies of any kind. its sorta meaningless but its an old habit that i used to do when i hit a brick wall with any of my projects sometimes. i’d go back and rewrite the entirety sometimes adding in a few thousand words and generally coming out of it the better since i would be rewriting stuff that was a couple years old at that point. 

but im still being hesitant to actually do that because the old projects im thinking of were all under 20k words, unpublished with maybe nine or ten chapters. all of them rushed and mostly just the barebone scraps of stories barely filled with any emotional depth or character. all of them essentially copy and pastes of each other with mild changes depending on the plot.

whereas if you compare the two? well for starters bhaf is in third person and isn’t following an oc. secondly, bhaf is published whereas my old projects were not. thirdly, i only started writing bhaf just over six months ago so even though my writing style as improved due to writing as much as i have, it hasn’t really improved enough for me to justify rewriting all 58k words of it.

so......yeah. honestly if this post makes any sense to any of you then your head is a lot less jumbled than mine is. im unintelligent and when im stressed i cant explain good. 

tdlr: reached a creative block with bhaf, so its going on hiatus for until i can get past it. not sure if im going to rewrite it or work on another project.

((ALSO FUCKING SIDE NOTE: im also incredibly pissed at myself for it hitting now when the last chapter i posted had a fucking cliffhanger, the one thing that i hate with all my being when its not resolved as soon as possible. im half tempted to post this chapter at 3k words just so that i could get rid of the hiatus at cliffhanger. im so sorry guys.))

[hell0mega]

probably meaningless rant lol

my sister has been having a really hard time recently. a local survivors/abuse callout group with 15k followers recently outed a serial abuser (like 40+ women) and it even ended up on the news. she doesn't know the guy but she's posted about the men she's had troubles with in the past on there. but the page suddenly shut down and even deactivated and no one knew what was going on, and this recent guy seemed scary enough to maybe do something to them, so she was worried.

turns out it was internal and a woman that got involved in the organization was an abuser herself. not sexually but in a power and manipulation kind of way. so to save themselves the creator just shut it down. it's been a tumultuous time for online activism, which she says she's had a lot of fun doing, but i don't know if what she experiences should be considered "fun"

she fell headfirst into sexual activism and positivity and Instagram psychology where everything is a "trauma response." she's gone through a lot of trials and tribulations in her life (she's 10 years older than me so completely different world) and the experiences she shared were in fact traumatic.

but it's made me think about how i deal with things from my past, and... I've definitely had traumatic experiences and both my past relationships were toxic as hell. i have an inate aversion to sex on top of my asexuality because of how they treated me. I'm sex positive and I'm theory like sex but initiating makes me scared. you can argue that i was lucky that they didnt push harder, or that i was strong in not giving into their tactics, but it still harmed me. and ive had to deal with it and realize these things still effected me and have talked to my bf about it at length (not exactly many details, but the kinds of things they did or SAID and how it effected me)

but i think im just at a point where i, at the very least CURRENTLY, dont feel burdened by my past. and maybe that's just because im so separated from it, having been quarantined for almost a year now and focusing on school and my home life. i think it helps that my bf is so supportive and is nothing like my exes, while my sister's even-longer bf is having trouble being there for her, which im mad about.

she described something that's been happening a lot lately and it was textbook dissociation. unlike me, who was in a near-constant state of it for a couple months, hers comes and goes, which i almost feel might be worse. it's like a switch turns on and off in her head, usually in response to something she reads, thinks, or does. and i do empathize with her there as i am also one to dissociate as a stress response (not recently, but i did go through a long period like i said) so i was able to give her some good explanations as to what was happening and advice on how to get out of it.

but she also is asking me advice about how to deal with PEOPLE. girl you're the adult here, whomst has had many many jobs and actually likes (or liked, rather, considering the pandemic) traveling and going out to have fun and socialize. i literally had to tell her "i dont really talk to people" when she asked for my input on something. and i just feel so disconnected to that problem and that mindset of WANTING to reach out, wanting to engage in things. and i don't know why.

I'm literally a communications major and i do LIKE to talk to people. i love talking to people and communicating... in real life. the more i think about it the more i realize how much i fucking hate trying to communicate over text. and i don't mean with friends, but it seems like whenever i try to comment on something, or respond to someone, or say just anything, there's someone that takes it out of context, or just doesn't have fucking reading comprehension or something despite me if anything over explaining my point. i hate social media (which is why that WON'T be my degree concentration, I'd rather die) despite me consuming it so often. but i just feel like there's no critical thinking. people need to say what they think the second they think it.

and this might make me sound like a boomer or something but boomers are the worst at this. it might make me soundhippie dippie that I'd rather talk to someone in real life than on Twitter or some shit.

this is where it stopped me from typing lol. as if anyone is reading this. anyway i guess I'm just... weirdly numb right now. and not in a no-feelings depressed kind of way, but in an... unburdened way. like i empathize and I'm not rolling my eyes out being apathetic towards any heartbreak happening that i read. but when i reflect on some things from my past that i feel like i probably havent healed from... i dont feel... anything?

is that my brain protecting itself? do i have enough on my mind already that my brain is making me not dwell on the past? is that a thing? i just feel... nothing when i think about bad past stuff, right now, to the point where i stupidly wonder why people "let" their past effect them. as if my past hasn't ever effected me or changed who i am ultimately.

I'm also weirdly disconnected from my past self. i don't have a lot of memories of my past that i can recall without something to remind me. i don't know how i acted, i don't know how i said things. then i see videos or pictures and I'm... still me. i act the same, talk the same, think the same. my hair is different but I've had the same face my whole life. is this a coping mechanism? I've always been like this

i don't know where i was really going with this. i guess I'm just dealing with a lot, including my sister's emotional issues, which she's never leaned on me before with until now. she called me 3 times in one day... we talked for 2 hours today. i replied to her innocuous message on ig and she called me cuz she saw that i was active on my phone.

I'm fine with it now but I'm worried I'll get to the point where I'll not open her (unrelated) messages or avoid putting stuff in my ig stories in order for get to not know I'm online/not busy. I'm not near that point yet but I've had to do that in regards to other people in the past and it's such a sucky feeling. I've never had to do it to family and i hope i don't feel that way. i hope she feels better from therapy for both our sakes

i don't think I'm gonna read this over so sorry for any spelling mistakes as I'm on my phone and autocorrect be playin

[mxnyxxngx]

GET TO KNOW ME TAG :)

I WAS TAGGED BY THE SWEET @smittenbyschmidt LIKE 9438798796 YEARS AGO ?? IM SO SO. SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE AND THANKS FOR TAGGING ME !!! AHHHHHHAHAHAAHAH

1. nickname: jen !!! :)

2. gender: female

3. star sign: virgo hohoho (also an enfp gryffindor if u were wondering) (u probably werent but still lmaoo)

4. height: 165 cm aka just barely 5’5 rip

5. time: 5:23 pm

6. birthday: september 13th !!! a late late late summer baby

7. favorite bands (non kpop): oh no im not sure i have any ?? i used to listen to a whole bunch tho, like one direction, big time rush, 5sos, onerepublic, imagine dragons, panic at the disco (somewhat)

8. favourite solo artist: my favorite korean solo artist has to be dean hes a literal king dear god as for non korean ive recently been listening to a lot of borns and troye sivan :’) blackbear too !!! his songs are my exact aesthetic tbh

9. song stuck in my head: without you by nct u (im listening to it rn LMAOO)

10. last movie watched: legally? black panther WHICH IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR BTW I FUCKING LOVE IT TO BITS illegally? drive me crazy bc im lowkey a sucker for sappy cliche 90s romcoms :’)

11. last show watched: i have no clue ?? actually ??? i dont watch a lot of tv so i hope seventeens weekly idol counts ??? or nct vlives ???? LOOOOOL

12. when did i create my blog: november 2014 i think !!

13. what do i post: id say about 80% is kpop (40% bts 20% nct 15% seventeen 5% other) and the rest is either memes or aesthetic posts LMAOOO

14. last thing i googled: nyc weather (theres a snowstorm today omfg and school was cancelled ?? which makes today my first proper snow day ever ??? im such a california kid)

15. do you have other blogs: not active ones but i have a couple saved urls up my sleeve ;)

16. do you get asks: ,,, not really LMAO occasionally i used to but my inbox has been pretty dead for a while

17. why did you choose your url: its just min yoongi with the vowels replaced with xs and honestly ??? i have no clue how i thought of that or why but i thought it was sooooo cool and smart at the time LOOOL im not mad at it tho tbh i love it even though it gives me a bit of trouble w url tag games LMAO

18. following: 1219 blogs which ?? i honestly dk if thats a lot or a little

19. followers: i just recently hit 204 followers !!! which btw thank you guys ??? sm ???? i love you all ??????

20. favorite color (s): PEACH and RED and GOLD (my gryffindor ass is showing) and hmm black maybe :)

21. average hours of sleep: hoooo boy LOOOOL it really depends on the day but probably about 6 ?? even tho im the sleepiest girl u will ever meet ??? my sleep schedule is FUCKED LOOOOL

22. lucky number: 7 !! its cliche but i dont care lmao

23. instruments: i used to play piano and the flute but i pretty much havent touched either instrument since college started :((

24. what am i wearing: my bigass kevin woo love more hoodie and thigh highs and uhhh a bra and underwear i guess ??? LOOOL

25. how many blankets do i sleep with: two !!! although tbh im not sure why ?? i feel like i prefer only using a comforter ???? wtf @ me

26. dream job: oh wooooow uhhhh … a music producer

27. dream trip: south korea is the obvious answer i feel like but i have been missing la so fucking much these past couple of weeks so definitely there ugh

28. favorite food: im a hoe for kbbq tbh or any kind of meat/korean food in general actually !! i also reaaaally like spicy foods :’) so hot cheetos are my favorite snack tbh pizza and in n out are both soooo good too tbh in general i prefer salty things over sweet things but i WILL eat anything peach flavored straight up i kid u not it is my favorite flavor/color/smell in the entire world I LOVE PEACHES OK

29. nationality: american born chinese (first gen) but i took like a dna test a while ago and ?? apparently im like 10-12% finnish ??? which ,,, idk LMAOO

30. favorite song now: currently its any title song by nct tbh ?? go and boss and touch and baby dont stop have been on repeat since they came out

other korean song recs: dinner by jane jang and suho; jewel box AND thousand times (an ost and it made me cry tbh) by samuel (listen ,,,,,, the boy is so talented ,,,,, pls support him ,,,, i lov him w my whole heart); some and galaxy by bolbbalgan4; i promise you/ipu by wanna one (its so good slkgslkgdlkh ahhh i didnt like it THAT much at first but it really grew on me)

some english song recs: strawberries and cigarettes by troye sivan; helplessly by tatiana manaois; dirty laundry by blackbear !!! :)

i tag @sasha092398​ bc ofc i am ??? and @byeulbitch​ and @ashweeeeeh​ heheheh :’)