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smolsleepyfox · 2 months

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hello! I've been listening to Wake Up the Wicked on loop pretty much constantly for the past couple days and keep finding new things to love about it! in particular I have many Thoughts about the way Powerwolf's songs with women as the focus have shifted over the years. unfortunately when I try to articulate those thoughts they mostly just come out as "AAAAAAAA Vargamor and Kyrie Klitorem and Joan of Arc just FEEL like such an important thing! I've been a fan for so long but something about these songs makes me (as a fem-adjacent person) feel like I can actually be part of the group!" in one of your posts about your thesis, you note how there's never been a Powerwolf song with a woman werewolf — I'd never noticed that until now, tho Vargamor and Dancing with the Dead feel close. examining that distinction is fascinating!

considering you've got a whole thesis on it and so will likely be able to go deeper than me, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have on how gender is handled in this album as compared to others, and in general, who "gets" to be a monster!

Okay this is a great question and also funnily enough something I've spoken about with another friend recently.

So the thing about monstrosity is that it is very heavily gendered. This doesn't start but is reflected in the Middle Ages where monstrosity is physical (since the distincion body/mind didn't really exist) BUT directly related to gender roles. The example most scholars go with are the Amazons, the mythical warrior women. They are monstrous because they only have one breast AND because they take on both gender roles, making clothing (female) and hunting (male). If you behaved weird people would assume you had a physical abnormality and a physical abnormality could be a sign of somethig wrong (e.g. witch marks). Note that "monstrous" isn't technically synonymous with "bad/evil". From what I gather, bestiaries and collections of monsters from far away lands were a curiosity with no inherent moral dimension, although it obviously held implications for the treatment of queer and disabled people, foreigners etc. Dana Oswald splits monstrosity into hypermasculine, hypersexual (feminine) and hybrid. Hypermasculine is exactly what you think it is, werewolves, giants, anything that is large and hairy and ravenous. The theme here is Taking. Wealth, sex, someone's life. Interestingly, exaggerated sexuality in the middle ages was culturally feminine, so centaurs are monstrously feminine due to their exagerrated sexuality. Another example are sirens. Hypersexual/feminine monsters seduce instead of take by brute force.

About werewolves specifically, let me open with Willem de Blecourt's opening line in a book about werewolf history: There is no werewolf history. What we today see as a werewolf (and Powerwolf uses as a mascot) is a modern cultural concept that is only an approximate to other times and cultures. Let's take the Varcolac, a creature from Slavic mythology (spelled differently in different languages). The Varcolac is often translated as werewolf, but if you look at the mythology it is - simplified - a reanimated corpse that drinks blood. Usually it's a person who was evil/frivolous/was excommunicated in life that rises again. So for all intents and purposes it's a vampire. Powerwolf does have some werewolf/vampire hybrids in their music and on tshirts, but since werewolves and vampires are both hypermasculine monsters that's only a side note.

To talk about as actual a werewolf as possible, you know 1589, you know the story of Peter Stubbe. Peter Stubbe was a highly publicized case that influenced later ones. Elements of his case reappear in trials in the low countries, Germany and England, but not in France because the pamphlets telling his story were not translated into French afawk. Some details also bear striking resemblances to earlier French cases, so it's very difficult to know what actually happened. Peter Stubbe single-handedly (heh) cemented the image of the cannibal werewolf for the early modern public BUT he's an outlier. Werewolf Georg if you will. Cannibalism is definitely a defining trait of many werewolves but almost everything else is different from our modern understanding. The persecution of werewolves in central Europe was almost completely tied to witchcraft allegations. Without getting into historical witchcraft as a whole, there was a concept of male and female witchcraft in line with the gender roles of agrarian society. A werewolf was related to violence against people and livestock as well as sexual threats. Just like witches, werewolves were assumed to transform with an ointment or belt given to them by the devil. The transformation is not physical, just like witches can't actually fly but fall into a trance (induced by the devil). [Note that the idea of physical transformation has been a MASSIVE point of debate for church scholars for as long as said church existed. Go take a look if you're curious.] More modern werewolf lore (1960s) from the B/NL/DE border region shows werewolves to be a shorthand for unacceptable liaisons and sexual assault, possibly homosexuality and bestiality, but usually just people dressed in a wolf pelt taking the piss. The modern idea of the werewolf, specifically the bipedal form and painful transformation is a Hollywood product. We can quite easily pin the origin on one specific film: The Wolf Man from 1941. The transformation and visual presentation was driven by the improved special effects of the film industry and their desire to give people a spectacle. This is also a central trait of monstrosity: It is physical because people want to see it.

SO! If we're being pedantic, no, werewolves are not inherently male. A handful of women were prosecuted as werewolves, though they were the minority within the already minor number of werewolf trials. But it is a fact that the majority of werewolves are male throughout history and werewolf characteristics are - as Dana Oswald puts it - hypermasculine, meaning they exaggerate and therefore threaten the dominant concept of masculinity in a given societal context. That's the baseline of monstrosity- it breaks boundaries and threatens the system it inhabits while reinforcing a rule for the listener.

It's notable that female werewolves in modern film are almost never seen transforming, including in staple films like Underworld. You have those beefy werewolf guys and the women just. Stand there. An outlier that gets quoted in almost every paper I've ever read is Ginger Snaps, which directly deals with the way Ginger's lycanthropy makes her monstrous both in breaking the boundaries of human/animal but also what is acceptable behavior for a girl. I don't have the sources to back this up yet but I see a strong parallel in this to women in Metal in general. Think about it, Metal music is counterculture and is almost defined by depicting monstrosity (satanism, violence, etc) and breaking the boundaries of what is music. Women in Metal are "monstrous" by associating with the transgressive scene the same as men - except they get held to a completely different standard. Metal is so male-dominated the ideal (visual, behavioral) gender presentation cannot include femininity or at least makes two clearly gendered molds. Women in metal, then, have to balance being "Metal" and being sufficiently feminine to be accepted. The male ideal I like to call the 'Metal warrior', because he's so often inspired by historical warrior culture but primarily defines himself by being large, strong, possibly aggressive and definitely drinking a lot. Everything that is masculine but juuuuust over the line of polite society. Which is what Powerwolf sings about as well, they just made it a furry.

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ANYWAY sorry for the long-ass background info, I got carried away lol. Note that for the next section, I am doing this off the top of my head since I haven't gotten to that part of the analysis yet. The deadline is approaching, send help.

I like to call Powerwolf my problematic faves because as camp as their performances are and as self-ironic as they try to make themselves out to be, their lyrics and videos are profoundly cishet. This isn't a criticism, just an observation. As far as we know they are cishet men from a rural part of Germany (and one Dutchman). I know we make jokes about the homoeroticism between Falk and Attila but I would not be surprised if they had no idea that's what they're doing. Most cishet people do not think about queerness unless they have a reason, and in a lot of social circles there simply is none. They just don't even consider it. There's something to be said about homosocial bonds in metal music but that's a topic so large I'll skip it for now. The only queer aspect I've seen in the entire history of Powerwolf is that lesbian kiss in the music video of No Prayer at Midnight and that was so blatantly male gaze-y I'm not sure if it even counts. So, fair warning, I'm going to say men and women as in cis men and women because I'm on mobile and typing is annoying as is.

First off, to answer your question: Yes, women have absolutely become a bigger part of Powerwolf's repertoire. Joan of Arc is a historical story that they implemented beautifully, and so is Vargamor. While I personally don't like Kyrie Klitorem it's definitely interesting to analyze in a wider context. What does stick out is that the majority of women in Powerwolf's music are sexualized in some way along with sexuality becoming a larger part of their theme in general. As far as I can see, sexuality was actually not a major part of the Powerwolf brand until Sacrament of Sin. Coleus Sanctus and Resurrection by Erection are from albums before that, but they're single songs on albums otherwise concerned with werewolves, vampires and that warrior image I mentioned before. Their earlier videos have almost never any side characters and it's mostly about spooky priest things and/or werewolves (kind of mixed with vampirism, which is a parallel to the Varcolac).

In general I would say there are two 'roles' that characters in the PW universe take and it was kind of hard to find the right wording, because depending on your reading they have VERY different connotations. I'm just going to call it the 'active' and the 'passive' right now until I've explained what I mean.

Women are sexualized in the music and the videos/artworks. That's just a fact, and hasn't changed much from the beginning until now. It's not even out of character for Power Metal as an heir to classic Heavy Metal and Glam Rock. Powerwolf sing about sex, specifically hetero sex, and mostly from the perspective of cishet men. Matt even said in an interview many years ago that he's unsure if he could write about pussy because he doesn't have one. Yes, really.

The language of the music is clerical, and commonly from the viewpoint of a religious person/priest of course, which reinforces the themes of wildness/hedonism by contrasting them with what is 'proper'. Circling back to my explanations of monstrosity - improper behavior and improper physical appearance are linked, so to break the laws of faith is to become monstrous, possibly physically. The band constantly portrays this overstepping of boundaries in a religious context. Call of the Wild quite literally says "To praise the wild while the bible we're tearing". Corpse paint I would argue I'd a visual marker of monstrosity as well, especially since the band are usually the only ones in that type of makeup.

Just visually, women are a big part in Powerwolf's art and video as side characters, especially burlesque dancers, and they're typically a shorthand for desire and sexuality. Open sexuality is a massive taboo in the Catholic Church, especially in the pseudo-medieval world their music inhabits. And a woman being active in her sexuality, even choosing what, who and how to desire is far over the line even in many modern societies. (Ginger Snaps tackled this as well.) So let's take a look:

There's Demons are a girl's best friend, which is on the surface a warning against being "corrupted" by demons (sexuality) but can also be interpreted - as the title suggests - that the female protagonist is quite aware of what she's doing and likes it. Kiss of the Cobra King shows the female protagonist in white, standing in for purity, before being corrupted and possibly killed for her transgression. Still unsure about that video tbh. Dancing with the Dead is less sexual and leans more heavily into the corruption (by witchcraft?) angle. I feel like there is a disconnect between text and video in this one because in the video, the female protagonist doesn't look at all willing to dance and Attila forces her to, whereas in the text the protagonist seems quite aware and in control of what she's doing. Undress to Confess is pretty fucking clear that the woman is having fun and the artwork shows a nun, while naked, in a dynamic, powerful pose. This is what I'd call the active role. There's also the flip side of that active role that isn't passiveness but control:

Kyrie Klitorem is about how women have power over men by virtue of their sexuality. Powerwolf often uses 'we' in their lyrics and while that's technically a non-gendered pronoun, the songs suggest the narrator is a (cishet) man. Venom of Venus is also similar in topic and structure, and the vampire queen from the Killers with the Cross video is also clearly in control while being sexy (as are the hunters).

So in the 'active' role, women can be corrupted, seductive as well as empowered, it really depends on your reading. Same goes for the videos by the way - the dancers can be shown in an objectifying way, but thinking of the dancer in My Will be Done she is on equal standing with the other characters asking Attila for something. (Also, burlesque dance is an awesome art form.) Angel and Devil in that same music video are portrayed by women. However, the reduction of a woman to her body is obviously part of a long history of sexualization.

Which brings me to the passive role and the use of the nun image. Nuns have been sexualized for absolute ages. There's drawings and gossip from the Middle Ages about nuns and priests doing stuff they shouldn't. Good for them etc pp.* Powerwolf is really not reinventing the wheel by contrasting the nun's modesty/virtuousness with unrestrained sexuality. I mean look at this.

The role of women in the Catholic Church is an entire can of worms by itself. In Powerwolf's art, the love of Jesus/God is just placed on a different figure. I actually hesitate to interpret what the intention is, if it's critical of the church or a power fantasy. They absolutely criticize religion in their songs (Glaubenskraft, Sinners of the Seven Seas) but their visuals are also heavily inspired by historical art and can just be meant to look cool. That's something the band stresses in almost every interview when they are asked about deeper meanings: It has to be entertainment first. Their cover artist Zsofia Dankova told me the same: Looking cool has priority.

So nuns are in general portrayed as subservient, as they are in history and art, and sexualized. The focus on the band in performances - which in itself isn't really that surprising - and Attila's and Falk's role as 'clergy' does put them into a position of power. Here's where it gets interesting, because the bottom line of Powerwolf has been and is Have fun. In Wake up the Wicked it's a major plot point that one of them actively invites the young priest (altar boy? Idk I grew up Protestant). The artworks draw on art conventions from pulp fiction and classical works, but if you look at the lyrics involving women** it's either about submitting yourself (to pleasure) or actively seeking it out.

This has gotten way too fucking long but here's a minor detour before we get to the end. What else does PW sing about? Yes, werewolves, and history, but regardless of the underlying inspiration (Blood for Blood is about an Irish legend, I wouldn't have guessed that just from the lyrics) they sing about either bravery and power, or excess and hedonism, sometimes both. I've already mentioned the warrior ideal in my introduction, and that does a LOT of heavy lifting. Many of the artworks and merch have some sort of military theme, especially the crusades because that's fitting for the medieval-ish vibe the band has. The 'holy' knights as werewolves is both commentary on the actual crusades in a way, but also puts the listener into the body of a powerful beast heading into battle, which is just plain fun. Plenty of music is about riding into battle, Viking Metal exists. I spoke to Zsofia Dankova, Powerwolf's resident visual artist, and asked her what she thinks about the werewolf being implicitly male. She said she doesn't really see the werewolf she draws as gendered because it's just a symbol, something that stands in for power. I was a bit dubious about that answer at first, but it actually shows my own cultural bias, because that is the connotation of the werewolf at work, not the artwork itself. You can absolutely argue that the positions and clothes the werewolf is in (see image above) are men's, but for the most part, the wolves in their art are clothed in simple robes or armour that anyone could wear. It is just convention that makes it seem male. Growling (the vocal technique) is also male-coded even though men and women who growl sound identical.

I'm not going into more detail about the depiction of masculinity because y'all can read my thesis for that. Instead, I want to return to my introduction about what is considered monstrous: The breaking and exaggeration of social norms. Sexuality is what makes the women in Powerwolf monstrous - alongside a proclivity for witchcraft. Vargamor shows her to be a mother as the name implies, but more importantly a wise leader and powerful magic user. It's implied that she can fight, but the chorus is more insistent that she dwells in the shadows and is a steady presence for many different iterations of the pack through the years.

The men on the other hand are shown to be monstrous by being violent, hedonistic beasts. The songs again and again reiterate wildness and unrestrained summer fun battle prowess. Technically you could argue that 'we' doesn't have to mean men, but that would ignore centuries of cultural connotations and that it needs a pretty good in-text reason to assume an all-male metal band is writing their songs in a female lyrical I (we?).

Powerwolf quite simply portrays monstrosity as it has been since the Middle Ages, along gendered lines. This makes sense because they draw on given cultural conventions, history and folklore, they're just on the side of the monster. There's definitely something to be said about the sexualization of women in Metal and the male gaze, but the wolves have also very clearly heard the call for more female representation.

If anyone is still reading, congratulations I nearly drove myself insane here.

* As with most things in life, this isn't black and white. Nuns had some social advantages and there were most likely plenty of consensual relationships, but as women in a patriarchal society they were still under the authority of men who could harm them. ** I excluded Glaubenskraft because that song breaks with the Powerwolf universe by adressing a current, real-life injustice. Completely different topic.

#foxy speaks #werewolf thesis #ask foxy #powerwolf

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kdramalahhh · 4 years

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Review: 18 Again [An unfeigned tale of a selfless father]

No. of episodes: 16

Personal Rating: 9.5/10

I personally had the busiest time of my life trying to juggle law school with other things and when I had a short break last week, I planned to watch a drama. I intentionally waited until 18 Again to be done airing and my decision was absolutely right because if I were to watch the drama on going I’d suffer from just waiting for each episode to be aired and will most probably be more attached to the drama than I do right now.

Before I lay down my reasons why this drama is so good that i gave it nine and a half point, I want to tell how I feel right now post-18 Again (this is surely a phase). So, I managed to finish watching the drama in 3-4 days and after I closed the window of the last episode, I felt content but empty at the same time. Contented because the ending was so good and satisfying but at the same time the emptiness kicked in when I realised that I can no longer see these beautiful characters anymore. After the last episode, every time I listen to the OSTs, saw any clips especially the heartfelt ones; I’d cry and that’s just how impactful 18 Again was.

Synopsis:

The drama (based on the movie 17 Again) was basically started Hong Dae Young (Yoon Sang Hyun) and Jung Da Jung (Kim Ha Neul) facing a marriage problem which lead to a decision to get a divorce, at least for Da Jung. They live seperately at the moment, Da Jang with their children and Dae Young with his best friend whom he had known since high school, Go Deok Jin (Kim Gang-Hyun). Despite being high school lovers and were very passionate to achieve their dreams, Da Jung and Dae Young were at the cross roads when Da Jung got pregnant at the age of 18. They then decided do put a halt to their dreams and got married, for their twins, Si Ah ( Roh Jeong Eui ) and Si Woo (Ryeo Un). This might started with a whole decision to be responsible adults but as time goes by they started having regrets given that life has been hitting them so hard. Eventually, after 18 years they come to a decision to get divorce - which Da Jung insists, and could not change her mind when Dae Young had no idea why they were fighting that it became this messy. This made Dae Young so frustrated that his life turned out this way. Then he made his way to his high school gym; which is now attended by his children, to shoot some balls into the basketball ring. Out of habit, he made a wish to be young again and yes, you guessed right. His wish came true! The lights went out and when it turned back on he was in the body of 18 year old Dae Young (Lee Do Hyun).

Okay so now let’s just dive into the 5 reasons why this drama is so worth watching.

1. The plot growth and character development

I love how the plot was arranged. The writers absolutely know what they want to express in each episode episode. I like how the drama projects certain scenes from one character’s point of view and then reveals another character’s side of the story. The whole drama really wants to say that what you see is not entirely what you know. This results in a story so beautifully written, revealing one by one the things no one knows about a character. Their struggles and pain they hide from people they love just so that they won't be burdened by them, which does not necessarily resulted positively since misunderstandings occur now and then.

The characters’ development is something that should also be noted. In the beginning we see how Dae Young was a father and husband who regrets his decision for having to sacrifice his dream for his family. But, after getting the chance to be young again and to be able to do what he want - that is basketball. He started to realise his mistakes and this has opened his eyes as to what his dream actually is. Being able to only help and care about his family without them knowing who he is, was so painful for him since they really have the idea of not needing him anymore in their life. Same goes for Da Jung, at first she felt like Dae Young was changing, did not love her anymore and was pathetic. However, as time goes by some things came to her knowledge, her perspectives towards Dae Young changed. Other characters have their own story and growth as well but you guys should find them out yourselves.

2. Lee Do Hyun

When I say Lee Do Hyun carried the whole drama, I’m not even exagerrating. he potrayed his character as a young father who struggles to raise children and provide for his family. I think he touched my heart the most. I saw his behind the scenes and I can totally see his passion and the amount of effort he puts into his acting. The chemistry he has with other actors are exceptional maybe because of his bright personality. I just realised I have watched everything in his discography and I must say his acting has grown so much, he discovers and shows new sides of as well - through this character.

3. Double Second Lead Syndrome

This drama did not only made me choose between the two main male leads for Da Jung but also between the two student who like Si Ah. Ye Ji Hoon ( Wi Ha Joon) was competent, kind, handsome and smart. He’s a famous baseball player, he is everything you want in a guy! but I can’t help myself to get swooned by Dae Young as well. It was hard for me. but, between Goo Ja Sung (Hwang In Yeop) and Seo Ji Ho (Golden Child’s Bo Min), I was team Jiho since day 1 because I just can bring myself to like Jasung. I mean he bullied Si Woo so... although he had his moments, and changed later in the drama. All im saying is its fun to have these 4 male characters who are totally different and I enjoyed rooting for them.

4. The Production

This drama has amazing production quality. I love the transitions between adult and young Dae Young scenes. Also, how they made a lot of swoon worthy scenes so beautiful. The OSTs are amazing as well. I still listen to them. I want to give an appreciation to this drama for letting me discover new talents, the younger casts. They’re so good at potraying their roles. I really enjoyed every scene relatingn to students at Serim High. The fact that they give us extra clip (variety show kinda) after filming and they’re still in their characters was fun to watch as well. This just makes it harder for me to detach from the drama.

5. The Message

The writers for this drama really know what they’re doing. Every story, every role has its purpose. Each episode was totally necessary and I’d say has something to tell. This story is about second chances, sacrifices, passion and love. For me personally, I can no longer watch a drama solely for entertainment. I need something more to enjoy it. 18 Again gave me that. It made me rethink about how I treat my loved ones. Whether I appreciate them enough or if I ever consider their pain and sacrifices because you see, the world really does not revolves only around us. 18 Again also caters social issues like discrimination and sexual harrasment against women at workplace, school bullying, illegal college broker and many more. I also appreciate that they point out how children behaves differently to their parents and friends due to the expectations parents have on them. I think we all can relate to that.

All in all, 18 Again is a beautiful story about family rather than just about an adult who gets to live his young life again. i think thats all. took me almost a week to write this but yea. Hope you guys enjoy it and happy binge watching! Don’t forget to tell me what you guys think about the drama💞

- shaininn⭐

#kdrama #18again #leedohyun #hwanginyeop

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kakeguruibeyond · 5 years

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hi, i wanted to thank u for translating kari (you're doing god's work here)! i love this wacky spin off but couldn't find any translation (except the first five and some few other scattered ch here and there). now i can finally enjoy them fully and stop crying internally whenever i stare at the raws and my n5 lvl japanese trying to figure out what's going on lmao

Thank you for writing just to say thanks, that’s really nice :) I totally feel your pain about not being able to read Kari, it’s only a slight exagerration to say I am teaching myself Japanese FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE of reading Kari. I’m all around obsessed with Kakegurui, and I love the way the characters are interpreted in Kari. They’re all themselves just…wackier. And with lower stakes, they’re not trying to destroy each other, they’re just hanging out most of the time. Also I’m a huge Midari Ikishima fan, which is why so many of the strips I translate prominently feature her. She speaks to me on a deep philosophical level XD

This turned into a text post. Glad you are enjoying the strips, even if the translations are often rough, literal, and possibly straight up wrong. Let’s all just hope Yen Press picks it up some day and we get some official english volumes (nevergonnahappensigh).

Thanks again for the encouragement!

Quick Link: All of the Kari strips i’ve translated

#kakegurui #kakegurui-kari

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epiitaphs · 5 years

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bucky: 3, 4, 9, 16 (weapons don't count), 26, 31, & 37

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

He’d count is as pretty good. It was the Great Depression, but his family managed to get by, if nothing else. As the oldest and only boy, he wasn’t really shielded from the issues that the family was facing, once he got to a certain age, but he was allowed to go have fun with friends and he went to school as long as he could. He ended up dropping out at 16 to work. He was sad to do it - Bucky liked school a lot of the time - but he knew that his family needed the money and he knew that this was the best way to help.

Every single one of his good memories involve Steve. They were best friends from a pretty young age, and really, Steve was his first close friend who stayed that way. He had people he worked with and some other friends at school, but it was always Bucky and Steve. Probably because someone needed a minder or he’d pick a fight with just about anyone, but Bucky liked following him around and hanging out with him a whole lot.

Some of the bad ones include Steve as well - when he was so sick that everyone thought he was going to die and Bucky had to face the fact that his best - and pretty much only - friend might be gone forever. He was so scared by it, but what could he do? As soon as he could visit, he did, trying to cheer Steve up as best as possible.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

His relationship with his parents was fine. He was closest with his mother - she was kind and always home. His father worked a couple jobs - long hours, and so when he was home, he was sleeping and Bucky had to be watching his sisters so they wouldn’t be too loud at the wrong time. He respected his father, but their relationship was much more tenuous. The man didn’t have time to be a close father to him, or really the patience either. Bucky substituted Steve’s mother for another parental figure.

One good memory is of when he was really little and he was in the kitchen watching his mother make bread. He was far too small to actually be helpful, but she gave him a little bit of dough and taught him how to knead that. He made a roll and had a very good time. The roll eventually got enveloped back into the rest of the dough, but he always kept that as a good memory.

A bad memory would be that of his parents arguing at night over missed or delayed wages. Bucky was a teenager and he felt guilty that he couldn’t be helping, but he also hated how his father could cut his mother down so easily once the fight got beyond the actual matter at hand. There wasn’t any way that he’d have been able to mediate, and he had a feeling it’d be better if he stayed with his sisters to make sure that they were alright and hopefully still sleeping.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Animals aren’t necessarily clamoring to make his acquaintance, but he’s very good at keeping still, and he’s pretty patient when he wants to be. So if he wants to make friends with something, he can do it if he puts his mind to it. He likes watching birds, but never really tries to make friends with them. He also petted an alley cat once while hiding from what turned out to be an entirely imaginary threat. It was nice, but he doesn’t think that he’s really got it together enough to be able to care for a real pet.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

Weirdly enough (or maybe not), he collects pens. It isn’t always a really coherent, thought through thing, but he does accumulate pens. Sure he’s got his memory journals that he actually needs them for, but he likes to have as many as he can possibly get his hands on at a time. He’s got a pencil case for them, that travels with him when he’s on the move or gets left - carefully hidden - wherever he’s staying. They’re small, easy to take (accidentally or on purpose), and they help him record everything his brain is showing him.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

1920s/30s Bucky was an obnoxious menace to friends and strangers alike. The happy version of this was all wide grins and more exagerrated body language. He was a whistler, especially when happy, though that wasn’t the only time he did so. If he was happy, you could tell. It was really the negative emotions that he tended to try to hide, especially when dealing with people that he didn’t want to burden with his problems.

Post-Brainwashing Bucky absolutely one hundred percent hides his emotions. The most likely expression of happiness would be a quick, small smile or a short, quiet laugh. Positive emotions in general are a lot harder to deal with, and so he tends to keep that sort of thing to himself. If he’s comfortable enough with a person, that sort of thing will happen a lot more commonly. He, under a lot of brain bullshit, wants to have friends again.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

Bucky drank when he was really, fully human. It was just normal, really. Sure, Prohibition only ended when he was sixteen, but everyone (read: people who paid attention) knew about where you could get your hands on alcohol, and he wasn’t an exception. He wasn’t drinking heavily as a younger teenager, but especially once it was less illegal to drink, he’d go places with friends on occasion, when money wasn’t too tight. He was a pretty happy drunk, though if left to stew in a bad mood, he could very easily be pretty morose. Unfortunately for him, he had a tendancy to get hangovers pretty easily, which lead to a lot of moaning and groaning and lying in bed at the mercy of clearly cruel friends and siblings. If he knew someone was a mean drunk, he’d avoid them, but other than that, Bucky was perfectly alright with being around drunk people. He did mercilessly tease Steve on at least one occasion that he was hungover and Bucky somehow managed not to be.

The serum, even in knockoff form, managed to ruin that. He can get drunk, as he found out while on the run, but it takes a whole lot of strong alcohol to make that happen. And it’s not really worth it to him, because the thought of losing control is a bit too terrifying. So he’ll have one or two drinks, because it really does nothing to him. It makes him feel like he belongs, which has to matter in some way.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

He does - and did, though he has never had the time for it. He’s a fast reader, if only to make the most of what little time he did have to read. He prefers science fiction - or he did before everything terrible happened to him. It’s harder to concentrate after his escape, and so reading is harder. But at some point, he found a book in some language that he could understand and he read it over and over again, just because he could. It was eventually abandoned when he had to leave quickly. Just as he did before, he tends to stick to fiction, though he has done some reading of encyclopedias out of a desire to catch up with what he might have missed and to try to figure out something that was confusing him.

#tragedium #such shadow and carnage and unknown horrors | bucky headcanons #long post

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breakingarrows · 6 years

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Media Journal Week of July 16-22

Ace Combat X: Skies of Deception

My love for the Ace Combat series is deep. Shattered Skies remains one of my favorite games of all time for its depiction of an occupied city from the perspective of a child who has grown up and is writing about his life during this troublesome time. The Unsung War is one I haven’t played as much or as recently, but I have fond memories of the tight group of fighter pilots you form progressing through its very long campaign. Ace Combat X has a story that has failed to engage me so far, but makes adjustments to gameplay missions that are keeping me interested. A special weapon requires you to keep the target in your reticule until it makes contact, which is suddenly a much more engaging mechanic than the simple lock on system. Missions require you to avoid enemy radar, defend sections of a ground force, eliminate enemies with on and off radar/lock on capabilities, and wipe out the enemy before they can make it to a certain location. This variety has already gone far and beyond above previous entries in the franchise, and make the portable entry feel like it wasn’t held back by the hardware, even if the missions do feel like they contain way less enemies and dole them out in waves during specific ones. The narrative from the civilian perspective this time involves a journalist who seems a bit resigned to his post covering a one sided war that is just now tipping in favor of my playable character’s nation. The journalist discovers the poverty the rogue nation is experiencing is fueled by their leader siphoning foreign aid into the military and pushing war as a means of funding his own production company which, sure, I guess nobody else found that out beforehand. It feels early and that there is still more ground to cover, but it lacks the immediate engagement of Shattered Skies, whose introduction had our narrator treat his parents deaths as passively as Yellow 13 did when he shot down the fighter that crashed into their home.

Demon’s Souls

I still laugh whenever I think about the title. Due to playing Dark Souls with Trevor for a video series I have been itching to spend more time with that series, but can’t with Dark Souls since that is cheating so after watching hbomberguy’s video on Dark Souls 2 and some other ancillary media I ended up booting up a new game in Demon’s Souls whose servers have been put to rest. Nevertheless I found myself enjoying the game and cutting through the early content at a much better pace that I expected, mostly thanks to a two handed Bastard Sword, my latent knowledge from my original playthrough, and the occasional guide hint from my phone. I made it through 1-1 and 1-2 with relative ease, got to the boss of 2-1 after some difficulty and decided to start 3-1 and made much more progress by myself than I ever had before. Something hbomberguy discussed was about playing the game “right” which wasn’t so much a disdainful statement towards those who are playing “wrong” but more about adjusting the way you play depending on what the game is throwing at you, such as when and when not to use a shield, lock on, dodge rolls, etc. This is why I chose a Barbarian class to start out instead of the usual shield and armor focused classes I always gravitate towards. As soon as I found a two handed weapon I knew I wanted to try to take my armor-less barbarian as far as she could go using large weapons and rarely holding a shield up. And its worked out pretty well. Despite dodge rolling sometimes feeling a little cheap, such as getting hit when dodging backwards more often than not, I still have found that I like making my way around enemies for openings more than blocking and attempting parries with a shield. I still have one on-hand in case of emergencies but I would say a large majority of my playthrough has been either two handed or with a catalyst for soul arrows in my left hand.

Final Fantasy VII

This was also inspired by another source, this one being the Abnormal Mapping two part episode covering this PlayStation classic. I’ve always had a fond love of Cloud’s adventure, especially the first disc, and decided to start a new game on my PSP in order to relive that magic once again. The beginning sections are as charming as I remember, and also remind me how silly the game can be. The sprites aren’t exactly the most detailed and rely on exagerrated movement to show emotions. This is mirrored by the dialogue. Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie continue to endear me with their attempts to break through Cloud’s tough guy facade. They’re so genuine in their mission as well as their attempts to befriend someone who, even when I choose the less mean dialogue options, still comes off as aloof. That is what makes their loss so impactful when it happens, Cloud never truly opened up to them even though that was all they desired was another friend for their group. Jessie and her gadgetry, Biggs and his own tough guy facade, Wedge who wore his feelings on his sleeve. These were characters I liked and wanted to learn more about and see succeed in their goals, but instead they get killed off by Shinra and are never really mentioned again, another casualty of Avalanche’s war. It even manages to fit this loss into the tone, which can very often get silly as I previously mentioned. Things like Cloud’s crossdressing quest where he scavenges female clothing items from various individuals throughout the wall market have humor to them, even if the actual crossdressing is treated as just something people do without unnecessary judgement from those aiding you. Barrett punches Biggs into the camera, the weapons shop at the intro has various characters referencing the gamepad and save points and treasure chests talk directly to the player explaining their purpose and function. While a majority of the mood, as supplemented by the music, can be very melancholy, it also makes time for more lighthearted affairs which I really appreciate.

Rage

I finally booted up Rage. I’m not quite sure why. I own it so I guess I should get my $2.99 worth out of it. I think the installation was longer than my playtime overall. I played the introduction and the bandit hideout mission. It was okay. That texture pop-in really is a bitch though. The movement feels good even if the pistol feels like it has no bite to it. I’ll get back to this one eventually.

North by Northwest

Another Hitchcock film where a hapless advertising man gets mistaken for a spy and gets involved in some hijinks. Holds the annoying feature I also didn’t like in Vertigo where some woman instantly falls in love with our male lead for no real reason other than the plot demands it. Even then the plot doesn’t really demand it, it just happens? Despite that North by Northwest is still enjoyable even if it seemingly goes on for so long. We reached what I thought might end up being the wrap up but it just continued onwards. Watching Cary Grant bumble around was a lot of fun, especially considering he didn’t even understand the script which Hitchcock loved apparently. The part early on where he is driving drugged is really hilarious. A Fun Fact TM Catelyn informed me of was that Grant is left of center frame for pretty much the entire film, which I feel has some deeper meaning to it but I have’t found or thought of anything yet to explain it.

Godzilla King of the Monsters

They’re making another Godzilla film and the first trailer released and its, fine. The monster on monster action looks like it will be good, as does the shots showing the size of the monsters when compared to humanity which is neat with current CGI. Something I’m still not a fan of is the continued insistence to place human characters into these monster films. Godzilla (2014) suffered mainly for placing a character I couldn’t give a fuck about as the center lead and not giving Godzilla much time. This one is apparently seeking to rectify the latter problem but I’m not seeing much improvement for the former. For one instead of a generic white guy soldier lead they have a preteen who, wow if you wanted to go in the wrong direction you sure have done it. Also we have some women talking about how humanity is a sickness and the giant monsters are presumably nature reacting to remove us, which, is just them spelling out one of the major themes of Godzilla The Franchise: that Godzilla was nature’s reaction to humanity’s capability for destruction. Shin Godzilla’s interpretation has that haunting last image because it was evolving to become the most destructive force possible: its own twisted version of humanity. As a group working together we are capable of much good but also much destruction, and so Godzilla was evolving to take advantage of that power as well for our destruction, and we just barely managed to stop it in time. Shin Godzilla is so fucking good and I hate that most people focus on the silly looking 2nd form.

Speaking of Hideki Anno

Evangelion 3.0+1.0 teaser

Someone got offhand footage of a short teaser clip for Rebuild 4 showcasing Mari in her Unit with new rotating arms shooting and spinning above a red sea with the Next Time remix music playing. It gives a window of 2020 for its release, which, okay sure. I’ll believe it when I see it and the teaser itself doesn’t really do much for me. The Rebuild movies have been up and down. 1.0 is a good remake of the first batch of episodes. 2.0 does its own thing and I really love the finale for that one. 3.0 diverges greatly and I think is kinda a mess. It has been awhile since 3.0 though so who knows what the fuck Anno has planned for this next one.

I discovered this cut of a Return of the Jedi trailer that imagines a world in which David Lynch directed the third Star Wars film and its great.

I mentioned hbomberguy earlier but I wanted to point out his videos are really, really well done. Great editing and humor skits thrown in the midst of great analysis works on movies, games, and media at large. I especially loved his Serious Sonic Lore Analysis that features a very creepy but also hilarious cosplay.

Goodnight Moon has been putting out a bunch of ASMR videos if you’re into that (which I totally am). Her babblebrook series is fucking stellar and I am super invested in seeing whatever she does next with it.

I was reminded Firefest was a thing Mega64 thankfully attended.

I glanced through that Uncharted fan film and came away with the realization that those characters really are just tropes and whatever could be done with them has already been done over the course of five separate games.

Metric released their first single from the upcoming untitled Album named Dark Saturday and its pretty great.

JJJ in the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films is the best.

#Criticism #writing

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patriciavetinari · 5 years

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Long post, personal crisis

Sorry I don’t know if I can use the Keep Reading thingie on mobile. Tw: suicide mention. Please don’t reblog. Replies ok.

I think I basically just realized or at least spent significant time thinking about a definite weakness of mine that I should and want to deal with - it’s the horrible toxic jealousy/perfectionism that I feel, and the poisoning strive to be brilliant and recognized for it.

You know those posts and feelings about new hobbies - if you try one and are not immediately amazing at it, you never practice or try again? I believe I have some horrible exagerrated version of that. I feel it even around people, especially in new groups, beit online or offline. This fuckinf need to best, brilliant, expert, I want to cause awe and amaze people.

I think it also might very much be connected with me growing up and prett much being fat, having to prove my worth to people around me, having to be funny, witty, smart one, which I’ve tried so hard to always be and yet I obviously can’t always be like that, plus I can fucking feel capitalism making me duller, taking away my creativity and imagination (then again, is it just the horrible me just looking for excuses for not developing self?).

What triggered it is the online rpg community that I’m part of but I’m sort of a wallflower, still kind of new, and not very good and the particular theme of that rpg (star wars). Yet it’s filled with brilliant creative people, one of them whips out poetry on the whim and I read that thread just now and absolutely broke down because I can’t do that. And I need to outshine that person immediately, I need to be better, I need to win over others and evoke awe.

I hate this feeling. Not that person - I try very hard to focus on the fact that other people being good at something creative is good and wonderful and go them. That is the right thing to think, yet I immediately spiral into this anxiety and perplexion - how can I outdo them and at least be equal, at least be loved and appreciated just as much? Is the lack of love and appreciation? I so feel like a worthless third wheel. Talentless, useless, dull, background npc.

It’s like those positive posts “one person being beautiful does not stop me from being beautiful”, but again, extremely exagereated and with activities AS WELL AS looks. Is it the lack of purpose? The general perfectionism? I don’t know what I want to do with my life and who I want to become, when I contemplate going to college I have no idea what do I want to study. Everything. Nothing. I don’t want to study or practice, I want to immediately be good at everything.

And it’s the same with most such encountera both online and real life. Instagram is horrible in its own rite, but when I just joined it I felt exactly the same about those makeup routines. I bought so many products, I tried, I actually tried there since it was something I did every say, and then I realised I have hooded eyes and will never actually be able to show off instagram-worthy eyelids, and I had breakdowns over this.

It’s the same with almost every fuckinf hobby I encounter, I try to make it if not my monetized brand, then my fun personal mastery. It was the same with yoga (still is, I want to be Amazingly Flexible Fat Person), smoothie bowls, photography, calligraphy, drawing, poetry, writing (even though I don’t have a single finished fan or original work yet I call myself a fuckinf writer). It was even same with relationships, hoping to be able to be a hoe/sugar baby both for the possible pleasures and material side AND thw recognition of A Skill to Seduce, I guess (I’m fat and never been asked on a date, so guess how that is going, I’m completely clueless around flirting). Same with music, style, running aesthetic blog, running a livejournal blog (yeah, this has been going on since LJ era), even running a twitter, or instagram, or any social media, or learning to speak in accents, or dancing, knitting, embroidery and other crafts. Lately I see “witchy stuff” trending in my feed, so obviously I’ve already looked into that.

But I think it’s the creative outlets and being absolutely dull at them, not being able to Produxe Content - not even for monetizing – bur just Not Having a Thoughts is what pains me so much. I’m not fun, not interesting. Especially when there are Brilliant People in close proximity. Even those who would be able to recite poetry if not come up with it on the spot. Those people are so amazing to me I want to fucking kill myself for not being One of Them. I hate it.

It’a slightly better with my work, as I’m sort of an expert in my team by now, people ask me for help a lot and it sends me beaming, I like helping, being the expert, Offering a piece of my mind, but my work is not creative, it’s horrible, it’s ruining my sense of humour, my mind, and it’s completely useless outside that specific field and my colleagues. I’m fun to them because I’m smart abour our job and sassy but it’s horrible job. And I’m bad at everything else. I have no hobbies, no personality outside work.

And even at work I’m vulnerable. I had lunch today near the French team, they were speaking French, and I spent time regretting I don’t speak French. I “only” speak three languages. English is my third one. I go absolutely fucking stellar when native speaker compliments my English, vocabulary and all. Do I struggle without recognition? Do I need constant pats on the back? Am I good enough? Am I trying to prove my worth no matter to whom? Am I trying to please or entertain, be useful?

I want to be brilliant. I want to be sure of what I like to do, of what my actual hobbies are, I want to find out who I am so I can be in contact with other People With Hobbies and be content with our differences, be able to just be happy for another persons talent, and enjoy it, and recognize them instead of turning the spotlight onto myself while having nothing to say and demanding applause. I will always support people having phases, pickinf up and putting down hobbies when they feel like it, but I want at least a little bit of permanence in myself, at least for a moment, I want to try and find out my actual interests, not trends I fall for desperately trying to be relatable and marketable and presentable and acceptable.

I want to find myseld and be happy with myself. And fuck, I want brilliance and recognition and applause. Maybe it’s a form of craving love and attention, but I want it. I want to be creative, good at something, brilliant. I even feel like all my interests are Like That, not genuine, like some sort of Imposter syndrome subcategory, Trying To Be Liked. Yes, I was that kid that was no trouble and acted so mature. Read books to keep out of way. No serotonin to speak of.

I can’t say I hate myself, I just feel lost, lonely, not an unfinished work - a not even started one. I feel like empty shell, and there is a person lost deep inside that shell that I desperately want to meet and I hope one day I can.

#please don’t reblog #personal #crisis #tw: suidice #long post

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