#also say new shit. always complaining about the costumes and the wigs. like holy shit dude they're not bad. at all

[bishonenspit]

atp im going to have blocked 90% of long time veteran eroica fans on here bc they're all allergic to not being annoying in the tags of my stage posts

[penwieldingdreamer]

First Meetings

So, now that I have been stuck at home due to my mother's positive Covid test and watching The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings for 6 days straight, inspiration struck again, thank god 🙏😅 The new center of this -maybe- series will be Lee Pace. Of course this is only a fantasy and everything only came from my imagination but with a pinch of real events happening, still it's going to be in an alternative universe.

Thanks for being my beta @fortheloveoffanfic

Hope you guys will like it. Let me know what you thought and if you like to be tagged in upcoming drabbles I have palned and will hopefully be able to continue now again.

Summary: You work as part of the Mae-Up and Hair Crew on set of the Hobbit Trilogy, where you meet many interesting people, but one has gotten more of your attention than you would have thought.

Warnings: none, except for a very long drabble 😅

Words: 1722

You had been part of the crew ever since Peter Jackson had started working on the Hobbit trilogy in 2011 and met everyone that had been essential to the movies on and off screen. Apparently Fran had seen your work first hand when you were at a competition for make - up artists and she was impressed by the end results. You hadn't won any of the prizes but you were only one against one hundred others and yet she wanted you to be part of the second historic movie trilogy PJ did in his life.

The first people you had met were of course the dwarves and Martin who was Bilbo in the movie. They all were fun to be around, especially Dean and Aiden, as well as James Nesbitt who would always greet you with jokes or a song, giving you something to look forward to during those nearly endless days of filming.

And then, at the ending of shooting the first movie of the trilogy Philippa came up to you, a very tall man following behind her. You had just gotten done with James' make-up and wanted some fresh air, with all the fumes inside the trailer you sometimes thought you might get sick, so you sat outside, watching the pair walk over to you.

"Y/N," she said in greeting, a smile breaking out on her face. "May I introduce you to our newest cast members. Lee is going to be Elvenking Thranduil and he's in need of your service." Pippa, as you called her, had always had a way with people and she was next to Fran and Pete the only one of your bosses you could be yourself with and even call family away from your own. In your former jobs you had only been the one for the make-up, the one being ordered around and not even been able to give an opinion to change should something not look right on the person. But here, you were part of the crew and they would listen to you.

"It's nice to meet you." You said, holding out your hand for the actor to shake. With a smile in return he grabbed it and you had to concentrate not to let your reaction show on your face. Holy shit, his hands were huge compared to your smaller ones.

Only your boss's voice pulled you back to the task at hand. "So, Lee needs to get into his wig and ears and we'd like to try the crowns with the wardrobe department. Let's say meeting in an hour and a half over at costumes?"

"Oh, uh, sure." you mumbled, hastily disentangling your hand from his. "I'll send him right over when I'm done."

Pippa grinned at you. "Why don't you come over, too? We wouldn't want there to be a repeat of Elrond's circlet like the last time."

A soft sigh escaped your lips, nodding your head you stepped up onto the small stairs outside the trailer. "I'll bring him over then and make sure the wig will be in one piece once you guys are done."

"Great, I'll see you guys later!" she said, clapping her hands and walking off, leaving you with the giant in human form standing in front of you.

Once he made sure she was out of ear shot, Lee turned back to you, a smile plastered onto his face. "Do I want to know what happened to that wig?"

"I don't think you want to know, it was a mess and the guys making the wigs were so angry because the circlet Hugo was wearing in the fitting got caught on the strands and ripped it in half. They had to do it all over again."

Nodding his head, the actor entered the trailer behind her. You told him to take the empty chair next to Richard, who was getting ready for his scenes and he took the time to watch you flit around in your workplace. Everything was chaotic and still in order all the same. When you had come back to your place, the prosthetic ears and wig in hand, Lee grinned at you, his dark blue eyes shining with mirth. "Well, we wouldn't want another repeat for the King of Woodland Elves."

"At least you're already in character, then." Richard mumbled next to him with a laugh trying not to interrupt the woman doing his make-up for the day, listening to the words leaving his co-stars mouth.

Watching the actor, who was Thorin in the movie series, he laughed. "I just need to get my crown and wardrobe and I'll be good to go, everything else is already perfect."

Ruckus laughter floated through the trailer and you couldn't help but admire the shape of his face. Before you could stop yourself, you had already mumbled a 'yes, perfect' and Lee's eyes turned back to you. You felt the blush creeping over your face, swiftly grabbing a comb and a few clips to prepare his own hair for the wig cap you were going to be putting on under. All had seen the flush spread out on your skin and Martin who was getting up from his chair next to you send you wink. That was a great way to make a first impression on the day of meeting a new part of the movie series. You were scolding yourself inside, making sure to only talk to Lee when he was asking something, otherwise keeping your mouth shut.

"Okay let's see the green coat again with the silver overcoat. Y/N, be a dear and bring me that one please." Ann Maskrey, one of the costume designers asked you, while Pete and Pippa watched Lee getting dressed in the green coat. You walked over to the wardrobe and took the first silver coat. "No, not that one, the one with the deep orange silk on the inside." So you took the correct one on the second try and held it out for Lee to put on. He grinned down at you, pulling the coat over his shoulders and straightening himself. It would be easier if he wasn't such a giant, but he was a handsome giant.

"Right then, that looks good. Let's try it with the smaller branch crown."

You sighed, hoping there wasn't going to be another wig fiasco when you helped putting the crown on. Weta had done an amazing job designing all the pieces for the movies, for all movies they worked on, but sometimes these things were a bitch to work with. Your comb and pins at the ready, he sat down on the chair, pulling the knee-high boots on over the leggings he wore underneath.

"I'm going to be gentle but if I should hurt you with the pin please let me know." you told him, lightly pinning the crown to the wig so it wouldn't fall off.

Lee had closed his eyes, hiding the bright blue contacts he wore for his role. "I can take my fair bit of pain, but if it's intolerable, I'll let you know. So far I can't complain about these gentle hands."

By the time they had taken pictures and you had finally calmed down again so the flush that had started to spread over your face and neck at the close proximity to Lee was controlled again, Ann had asked you to take off one crown and exchange it for the larger branch crown with red leaves.

"I think this is going to be a lot more striking for King Thranduil then the other one."

So you repeated the process, gently combing the wig while Lee sat on the chair, chewing his gum and closing his eyes. He even held the hairpins in his hand because he saw you struggle to get them out of the confines of your little bag. When he moved it closer to you to work with your finger touched his and if you didn't know better there was a tiny spark from that brush of skin.

Finishing up, you grabbed the unused pins from his hand and told him you were done, giving the tall actor a light tap on his shoulder. Just as he walked over to the small area where they viewed him in his costumes, the door opened and Martin and James walked inside.

"Sorry, you guys but we had a small, unfortunate accident." the Irish actor apologized, showing the burst seams on his pants. "We were doing our stunts and well."

Martin grinned, walking over to you and throwing his arm around your shoulders. "We also wanted to see what all the fuss was about that haughty elf king."

Giggling, you looked over at Lee who grinned at his co-stars and repeated the walk he did before.

"Just so you know, if I were a female dwarf, I'd tap that elf ass." James whispered into your left ear, your once controlled blush intensifying again while the blond actor nodded his head enthusiastically.

"He's a perfect elf, you know. Broad shoulder, tall, elegant, striking eyes. The hair." Martin spoke so only you and the dwarf actor could hear.

"The long legs." James added, nodding his head over to the American actor who strutted along the area, having thrown off the overcoat.

"That smouldering look." the Brit continued before you held up your hands.

"Enough, you." You hissed so no one would know what you had been talking about, but you knew they were only trying to rile you up. Yes, Lee was attractive, hell, he was gorgeous and Pippa and Pete did an amazing job casting him, but you knew him for less than a day. He could be a total asshole when he didn't have people to impress for his first day on set. "You guys should get to Lucy or Sam so they can stitch up those holes."

"Well, I'm going to tell you this, one day you'll end up with a guy like that and you'll remember what I told you. You deserve the best in your life, luv." James told you proudly, pulling you closer into a one armed hug. He was brother and father to you in one person and you knew that his words were going to bite you in your ass.

They always did.

Taglist(I wasn't sure who to tag, also who might want to read it, so please let me know if you don't want to see mor of this in your notifications)

@fortheloveoffanfic @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @meetmeinthematinee @omg-imagine @fanficsrusz @eevee-of-rivia @fics-not-tragedies @omgkatinka @fuck-yeah-hope @wholelottatiffy @axshadows​ @a-really-bi-girl @madbaddic7ed @maggiemoo1892 @pinkzsugar @agniavateira @mary-ann84 and everyone who might want to read this.

[valkyrieskwad]

Saw an anon mention this elsewhere but: Lena as Morticia Addams and Kara as Gomez Addams

have this, buddy

____

“Aliens are cool,” Sam had said. "Aliens are like superheroes with more oppression and less adoration. Trust me, dating an alien is probably one of the best things you can do for yourself.“

“Okay,” Lena had said.

“It’ll be good,” Lena had said.

And then they created her a profile for one of those dumb-as-shit cross-species dating apps.

x

It’s two years later, and Lena’s still wondering how she managed to fall for an alien that sees dead people, how she roped herself into spending the better part of the past eighteen-months knee-deep in supernatural bull-shit.

How she ended up in a goddamn car ride with a malevolent doll-spirit that’s done enough fucked up shit she makes Annabelle look like Polly fucking Pocket.

“I mean, if we want to be technical, it’s probably Single Ladies, that made her whole career,” Kara says, nibbling her lip and flicking through all the Beyonce playlists on Spotify. Because we need to find the best one, she whined, after Lena complained she was clicking through songs too fast. “Seriously, it’s what crossed her over from former girl-group-Beyonce-the-break-out-star, to appealing to mass audiences and being a household name.”

“You’re rambling,” Lena points out, making a slow left turn and grimacing when she notices it’s an unlit street shrouded by trees and probably fucked-up shit.

“Not rambling, ’m just saying—”

“It’s not about the argument, babe. I’m all on board for Single Ladies being revolutionary, but you only ramble when… there’s something wrong. Is someone in the car?”

“Just Reign back there, following my eyesight through the rearview mirror. Always hate the doll ones, so creepy. Remember when we did the first Midvale one, and—”

“Babe,” Lena cuts her off, and Kara’s temple twitches underneath her black wig. 

Gomez fucking Addams.

Kara’s in a full-on mustache and suit, hair slicked back and parted down the center since she thought it’d be the best idea for their couples’ costume to be Morticia and Gomez Addams. So Lena got all done up, even bought a fancy long-sleeved black lace dress and new matte-red lipstick, hair straight down and tangle free–

And then, right before the party, Kara decided they needed to make a delivery. She said it was the  delivery. The last one.

Which, in hindsight, is one too many bad decisions but Lena’s a big enough idiot that she just rolled with it. She said okay let’s do it and then they went and picked up this doll, and now if they let the car get too silent, the god-fucking-awful creepy as shit piece of stuffing and porcelain scratches up the radio to play a slowed down, eerie version of, “They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, they’re all together ooky…”

“Kara, seriously, is there someone in the car with us other than the doll?”

“He’s sitting right behind you, says he’s looking for his wife,” Kara whispers, and Lena can tell it’s bad because she stops scrolling the playlists and turns the phone screen off. “He’s not a good guy, Lee. You have to pull us over.”

“Kara, I’m not stopping this car,” Lena says, but she’s already slowing down because even in the pale shadow of the moonlight, Lena can see the glint Kara gets in her eyes. “Can we handle it and keep going?”

“Either pull over or he’ll pull us over. His words. Sorry, Lee, I have to help. Reign’s making the spirits stronger and I don’t want them to hurt you.”

“Jesus Christ,” Lena mumbles, and the car makes a swift turn that she nearly doesn’t right in time, wheels screeching dangerously close to the drop-off into the forestry.

Kara’s hand finds her forearm as soon as they’re steady again, so warm and so firm that Lena’s heart rate stops increasing just short of her peak.

“Holy, Rao, Lena,” Kara corrects. “When we’re in the presence of them, we’re respectful, remember? They have no stake in alien gods, so feel free to mumble their names all you want. But not that one,” she says, jaw clenching like it’s something she needs Lena to comprehend.

And Lena does, won’t make the mistake again. It’s just–ugh, it’s Halloween and it’s dark and she hates this fucking doll and the fact that she’s dragged an evil ghost into the back seat. And she hates that they’re by forest and it’s scary and Kara wants her to pull over. And she hates that she knows Kara’s going to have to get out of the car. To protect Lena. To protect herself. 

“He just wants his wife,” Kara says slowly, Lena not sure if she’s trying to calm her or the spirit. “She’s in these woods. I’ll find her and we’re on our way. Simple. Easy. This is our last job, remember?”

“Right,” Lena says, taking a slow breath as she pulls to the side of the road, feeling Kara’s fingers flex against her skin, hope hope hoping this isn’t the last time she sees her alive again. “We help him, we get her moved and we’re at the party. We’re sipping punch and singing songs and dancing, Kara. I want to fucking dance. With you. With my girl.”

“Just make sure you’re ready to keep up with my moves,” Kara winks, opening the door to the car. She kisses Lena quick on the cheek and steps out after that, opens the back door to grab the doll, before she leans her head in to say, “Get yourself to the party. I’ll see you in a bit. Be safe. I love you.”

And Lena says, “I love you, too.”

Then Kara’s off. She walks steady into the woods, back turned, shoulders squared, being careful not to look back. She said she can’t once, when Lena asked about it, said it’s how she keeps them attached to her. Which is stupid and dumb and ominous and they should have never taken this job.

But Lena knows Kara would never stop until this doll is out of commission. They’ve been waiting for this. They have to do this. Kara’s been preparing for it. She’s ready. They’re ready. They’ll get through it.

They will.

Lena knows they will, honestly believes, she just - she feels like her tongue is glued to the roof of her mouth, wants to stay and wait for Kara, hates that she wants her to leave. But she also knows Kara and her habits, knows the worst shit happens on Halloween, knows Kara was really trying to tell her that he wasn’t the only spirit there.

So she knows she should go, knows not to wait, but still… she hesitates.

And just when she loses sight of Kara, just when it gets its absolute quietest with the engine turned off and Kara’s breathing and rambling no longer keeping her company–the radio creeks on and she hears it: creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky–

“Holy fuck,” Lena yelps, and when she looks through the mirror, the doll’s in the back seat again.

[valentines-in-london]

I Need Fire (Part 5)

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Master List

Authors Note:  Hello all!  This chapter could’ve gone two ways, I asked for feedback to decide which way it would go.  Thank you to those of you who gave feedback, I super appreciate it<3<3  I know the gif I’m using for this chapter is not The Dirt!Tommy but it’s too perfect not to use for the chapter!  I hope you enjoy.  I can’t say enough leave me any feedback you have as a reply or in my asks

Word Count:  5,644

Taglist:  @freddiessmallnipples @triplehaitches (send me an ask or message if you want to be added!)

Warnings: An equal mix of smut and fluff 

Chapter 5

It was the night before Halloween when Rayne found herself in the studio with Motley Crue and a few other friends and record executives listening to the final version of Motley Crue’s debut record.  The band had decided to call it Too Fast For Love after one of the songs on the album.  Rayne was sat on a leather couch with Tommy next to her, arm around her shoulder, taking in every lyric, guitar lick and drum beat.  Most of these songs she had heard live, but it was different on record.  The album was like a mix of the Sex Pistols, The New York Dolls, and something Rayne couldn’t quite put her finger on.  It was incredible, definitely not their full potential but, incredible.

As the final verse of “On With the Show” finished Vince cried out on record, Oh baby,and one final drum crash before the record ended.  Tom Zutaut, the bands A&R guy turned around from the mix console with a big smile on his face.  “That sounded amazing!  You guys nailed it.”

“Jesus christ Tom, it’s practically a demo.”  Mick Mars crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat.

“But it sounds exactly like you guys do live!  And the live experience is what got you here.” Tom replied back, he wasn’t lacking in enthusiasm that was for sure.

“We’ll want more for the next record.”  Nikki spoke simply.  Nikki was a hard man to satisfy when it came to the band. He wanted everything to be perfect, which was kind of surprising since he was always messed up on something. But every time Rayne had been around him in any band related setting he was a perfectionist and if something wasn’t going right, watch out because Nikki would lash out.  Rayne found the brotherhood between Tommy and Nikki so interesting because of the differences in their personalities. Tommy was carefree and up for anything, Nikki was more serious and regimented.  “When’s the record coming out?”

“Let’s just worry about this record for now.  We’ll see if we can get any traction with local radio. If we do I think I can get you guys a tour in Canada.  And the record right now if everything goes right should be out November 10th.”  Tom answered Nikki’s question.

“A tour of Canada?  In winter?  I’m gonna freeze my balls off man, and I need those.”  Vince complained.  Vince had been acting weird around Rayne since Jo had seen him with another girl.  Whenever Rayne would enter the room with Tommy it was almost as if Vince would make it a point to get as far away from her as possible.  It didn’t bother Rayne necessarily but she definitely noticed it.

“There will be plenty of girls there to keep your dick warm Vince.”  Nikki huffed.

“Yeah Vinny, or you could just take one up there with you.” Tommy tightened his grip on Rayne’s shoulders giving her a sloppy kiss on the side of her head.  The statement confused Rayne.  He didn’t think she was going to tour Canada with him did he?  There was no possible way that could happen.

“Oh yeah easy for you to say Tommy.”  Vince seethed before he got up and walked out of the studio. Tommy held out his right hand asking everyone in the room, “What the fuck is his problem?”

“Can we focus here please?”  Nikki raised his voice quieting everyone else in the room.  “If we are gonna do this tour we have to make an impression.  We’re infamous on the strip, we gotta be infamous everywhere.”

“Hell yeah dude.”  Tommy agreed.

“You’d agree to anything drummer.”  Mick replied dismissively.

“What do you mean Nikki?”  Zutaut questioned as Nikki stood up towering over the shorter man in the green striped shirt.  “Let’s talk you and I.”  

And with that Nikki left the room with Tom and the other record company people, leaving herself Tommy and Mick.  Tommy looked towards Rayne, “Well what did you think of the record?”

“I really liked it.”  Rayne responded hearing Mick huff, shaking his head before Rayne could finish, “I do agree with Mick though.  You can tell it’s not perfect.  But I also think that’s what works.  You guys are raw and aggressive, especially live.  And this record definitely showcases that, there’s not much out there like it at the moment.  You guys work your asses off and build an audience outside of LA and I think you could really do something.”

Mick slowly got up out of his seat turning toward Tommy and Rayne. He looked between the two of them, “You know what Red?”

“What Mick?”

“You actually know what you’re talking about.  Sometimes you even remind me of Nikki when you get going about something you believe in.”  Mick spoke directly.  Wow, that wasn’t something she was expecting at all.  Mick was definitely not a sentimental guy, or a guy that was really “nice” so to speak.

“Thanks Mick, I appreciate that.”  Rayne nodded accepting Mick’s praise watching as he left the room.  Rayne turned to Tommy, “Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting that.  I thought he hated me.”

“Nah.  No one could hate you.”  Tommy replied wrapping both of his arms around Rayne, pulling her tight against him.

“Do you have a short term memory problem?”  Rayne smiled up at him.

“But seriously, you liked the album?”  Tommy asked ignoring Rayne’s criticism.  Rayne reached up, cradling Tommy’s face in her hands. She leaned in to give him a quick kiss on the lips.  

“I do, you should be really proud of yourself Tommy, you worked so hard.”  Tommy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, his pride unmistakable.

“I love you.”  Tommy said pulling Rayne into his lap.

“Tommy wha-“ Rayne spoke completely taken off guard by the three words she could have sworn she heard Tommy just say.

“You don’t have to say it back to me, right now at least. But you need to know how I feel. I. Love.  You.”  Tommy punctuated his declaration with kisses on both sides of Rayne’s neck, and finally her lips to punctuate the word ‘you.’  Rayne felt like she was drunk, everything went a bit hazy. “Woah, I really freaked you out didn’t I babe?”

“No.”  Rayne said quickly shaking her head.  “It’s just, no one has ever said that to me before.  No one that wasn’t obligated to.”

“Well, now you can add me to the list.”  Tommy smiled up at her, running his hands up and down her sides. Tommy really was a hopeless romantic, Rayne didn’t think that actually existed, especially in Los Angeles. But his actions tapped into something Rayne had always dreamed of having but didn’t dare speak out into existence for fear of disappointment.  And here was Tommy, who had not disappointed her in any way.

“Tommy?”

“Yeah babe?”

“What are we?”  Rayne questioned quietly.  She watched as Tommy’s facial expression was utterly confused. “Are we dating?  Are we friends that fuck around?  I just want to know.  I get it if you don’t want to commit to anything now, you’re about to be a big rock star and all so of course I don’t want you to by tied down and I would never-“

“Babe.  Babe.  Breathe.”  Tommy said comfortingly, “I thought it was obvious?  We’re dating.”

She wasn’t sure if it was relief or something else entirely but Rayne sighed replying quietly, “I didn’t know, we never talked about it.”

Tommy moved his hands to Rayne’s ass giving her a squeeze. “Rayne, everyone in LA knows you are off limits, you’re mine.”

“Tommy.”  Rayne said sternly.  “That makes it sound like you own me.  I don’t belong to anyone.  But I will say that I guess I’m off the market now.”

“Yes, you are.”  Tommy smiled kissing her lips tenderly.  “And so am I.”

The next day was of course, Halloween.  There was going to be a huge Halloween party at Gazzari’s that night, anyone who was anyone on the Strip was going to be there.  Off hand Rayne knew for sure Ratt, Dokken, Quiet Riot and the Motley Crue guys were going to be there.  Rayne loved Halloween, it was her second favorite holiday after Christmas, she always got a kick out of dressing up.  Tommy and Nikki thought it would be hilarious to dress up as cops, they had outfits and everything, Rayne had seen the outfit after Tommy bought it and was impressed, it looked like the real deal.

Rayne and Jo had also planned semi-coordinating costumes. Rayne was going to dress at Morticia Addams, and Jo was going to dress up as her sister Ophelia Frump.  Jo loved it because she got to dress up like one of her fashion idols Stevie Nicks.  Jo wore a white dress with flowing white sleeves, small braids sporadically throughout her hair and a crown of flowers sitting on top of her head.  Rayne had a little bit more difficulty with her costume, which included a black wig, getting all of her hair under the wig cap was certainly a struggle but she successfully did it. Her form fitting black dress had a slit up to her thigh, a revealing neckline and also had flowing sleeves.

Rayne told Tommy the night before what she and Jo would be dressed as so he could keep an eye out for her as they were arriving separately. Rayne put one final pin in her wig to secure it before she walked out into the living room her heels clicking as she walked.  Jo, as usual, was waiting on Rayne.  “Jo, you look amazing!  Your skin is practically glowing.”

“It’s the makeup.”  Jo brushed off the compliment.  Jo was also off since she saw Vince with another girl in the studio. Rayne almost wanted to put the two of them in a room together, lock the door, and let them either fight or fuck it out.

“Well I think you look beautiful.  You ready to go?”  Rayne questioned holding her hand out to Jo.

“As I’ll ever be.”  Jo half heartedly smiled grabbing onto her friends hand.  The two stayed that way until they got to Gazzari’s.

As most things on the strip, it was a sea of bodies when the two entered the seedy club.  Gazzari’s always had a certain vibe to it, The Doors were once the house band and the owner was one of those slightly creepy older dudes.  He surrounded himself with young women, kind of like Hugh Hefner.  There were dancing girls all over the club who were in minimal clothes dancing along to the music.  Jo and Rayne waved at a few of the girls that they had come to know who were up in their go go cages. They made their way through the crowd onto the dance floor when Rayne heard Tommy, “Holy shit you two look amazing.”

Rayne held her hands out to her side.  “Thanks.  Just like our personalities we’re ying and yang.”

“How you doing Jo?”  Tommy asked putting his hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine.”  Jo shrugged her shoulders.  “I’m gonna be moody til I get some booze in me.”

“What do you want to drink?  I’ll grab it for you.”  Tommy asked.

“You don’t have to do th-” Jo began.

“I know, but I want to.  What do you want?”  Tommy smiled at Jo.

“A long island iced tea sounds great right now.”  Jo gave in before looking at Rayne who was giving her a side eye.  “Fuck off.  It has the most booze in it.”

“Whatever you say.”  Rayne smiled.

“And what about you gorgeous?”  Tommy asked Rayne grabbing her hand and kissing her knuckles much like Gomez would do to Morticia.

“Well officer, I’ll take whatever Scotch whisky you bring back.” Rayne winked and Tommy was on his way to grab drinks for them.

“God I hate that he’s so nice.”  Jo scoffed, but Rayne knew she didn’t mean it in a bad way. “Like I want to hate him because he plays in a band with Vince, but I can’t, he makes it physically impossible.”

That made Rayne laugh, “How do you think I feel?  I never expected be dating him after going to that house party with you but he chipped away at my icy little heart and here we are.  Why don’t you go find Vince and talk to him?  You know he’s here somewhere.”

“No I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”  Jo shook her head.

“You know Jo, you are the most confident woman I know.  I hate to see you like this.”  Rayne said as softly as she could over the music.

“Here you are ladies.”  Tommy came back drinks in hand.  “Long Island Iced Tea for Ophelia, and a whisky neat cara mia.”

“Thanks Tommy.  Now no offense, but I’m gonna go mingle, being around the two of you is giving me cavities.”  Jo winked at Rayne as she walked passed them.

“Find me if you need me!”  Rayne shouted at her before turning to Tommy.

“I wish the two of them would just fuck, Vince has been a miserable little bitch since Jo stopped coming around.”  Tommy watched as Jo walked off through the crowd, she was easy to spot as she was basically the only one in all white in the entire club.

“Wait what?”  Rayne asked.  “Vince is miserable over Jo not being around?  Tommy that’s important information!”

“What?  Why?  Doesn’t she hate him now?”  Tommy asked utterly confused.  Rayne stood on the tips of her toes and kissed Tommy on the lips.

“Sometimes you’re a beautiful idiot.”  She smiled pulling away from him.  “Before the end of the night we’ll get them talking to each other again.  But for now come and dance with me.”

“Yes ma’am.”  Tommy happily obliged even though he couldn’t dance for shit.  The DJ was spinning different dance versions of creepy rock songs.  When Rayne and Tommy hit the dance floor a remix of “Welcome To My Nightmare” by Alice Cooper was playing.  Rayne and Tommy moved together on the dance floor, she actually found it kind of adorable most of Tommy’s dancing consisted of him moving his feet side to side.  Even still Rayne used Tommy’s lack of dance skill to grind on Tommy.  “You’ve got voodoo in your hips Cherry.”

She had certainly become accustomed to Tommy’s pet name for her, but she had found he only really used Cherry when he was turned on. Rayne turned around grinding her ass against his buldge, she twisted her neck to look at him.  “Do I?”

“Tread lightly Cherry or I’ll cuff you.”  Tommy gave her a devilish smile, grabbing her hand and putting it over his pair of handcuffs.

“Mmm, promise?”  Rayne asked before capturing Tommy’s lips in a heated kiss.

“Be careful now.”  Tommy bit Rayne’s bottom lip.

“Or you’ll what?”  Rayne questioned while Tommy groaned grabbing her hand.  Rayne struggled to keep pace with Tommy’s long strides as he made his way through the crowd.  When Tommy pushed open the door to the women’s bathroom, receiving a few stares, Rayne protested, “Tommy you can’t go in there!”

“Oh no?”  Tommy asked pushing open an empty stall, pulling Rayne in with him, a smile on his face.  “Oops.  Too late.  I’m already in.”

Tommy locked the stall behind them pinning Rayne against one of the walls, she looked up at him with doe eyes, not knowing what he was going to do next, but excited all the same.  “Turn around.”

“What?”  Rayne questioned.

“You heard me Cherry, turn around.”  Rayne listened to him and followed his instructions.  Rayne gasped when Tommy gave her ass a loud smack.  She was equally surprised when she heard Tommy pull his handcuffs off from his belt, watching as he clicked one around her wrist.  

“You better have keys to those.”  Rayne warned before watching as Tommy clasped the other handcuff to the metal bar in the stall, now Rayne couldn’t go anywhere even if she tried.  Tommy crooked his finger under her delicate chin, turning Rayne to face him, capturing her lips in a heated kiss.

“Well you wanted to be naughty, what other choice did you leave me?”  Tommy stated inching Rayne’s dress up her thighs until she was bare to him which caught Tommy by surprise.  “And you’re not wearing any panties?  Tsk, tsk, tsk.  What could I ever do to punish you?”

“You better not even think about leaving me in here Tommy.” Rayne warned him feeling as his hand snaked around her stomach inching towards her pussy.

“I don’t think you’re in the position to be making demands baby.” Tommy whispered, holding Rayne still as his fingers grazed over her clit which caused her to jolt back against Tommy.

“Fuck Tommy.”  Rayne whined when Tommy took his fingers away from her.

“You would like that wouldn’t you?  If I fucked you right here?  Remember when you said you weren’t the type that would fuck me in a bathroom?”  Tommy bit Rayne’s ear lobe, gently pulling on it.  Rayne moaned at his statement, it was true she never would have thought she’d want to be fucked so bad in a bathroom yet here she was practically begging for it.  “Tell me, do you remember it?”

“Fuck, Tommy, yes I remember.  Please don’t leave me like this!”  Rayne didn’t give a fuck if she was begging, she was so worked up she could feel liquid from her pussy starting to drip down her thighs.

“You promise to behave then?”  Tommy questioned.

“Only if you want me to.”  Rayne’s head fell against the stall and she arched her back as much as she possibly could, giving Tommy the not so subtle hint.

“Fuck, I like the sound of that.”  Tommy smiled moving his fingers past Rayne’s aching clit and towards her opening.  “How many fingers do you want?”

“Fuck, however many you want to give me, just give them to me Tommy.” How could Tommy say no to that? He started with slipping one finger into her wetness causing Rayne to throw her head back appreciatively. After a few strokes Tommy then entered a second.  She bit her lip before crying out, “Oh fuck yeah.”

“You’ve got such a dirty mouth on you.”  Tommy spoke with a hint of pride in his voice.  He began to pump his fingers in and out of her at a furious pace before whispering in her ear.  “Shh baby, listen.  Listen to how wet you are for me.”

Rayne held her breath and tried not to make a sound as Tommy kept up his movements with his fingers, bringing his free hand up to her throat. She couldn’t help her mouth falling open from the sound of Tommy’s fingers working in and out of her soaking wet core.  “Fuck, that’s so hot.”

Tommy chose that moment to add a third finger inside of Rayne. To say her cry was strained was an understatement, at that point Rayne was concentrated on nothing else but her orgasm.  That’s why when Tommy pulled his fingers out of her suddenly she actually thought she might die. “Tommy no!  You can’t leave me like this!”

She looked over her shoulder to see Tommy licking his fingers before unbuckling his pants and taking his dick out.  Fuck yes!  Rayne thought, let this finally be the moment!  Who gives a fuck if it’s not “special” as Tommy wanted it to be. Instead of finishing off Rayne, Tommy began to stoke his own cock while looking down at Rayne who was still spread for him.  “That pussy is so pretty when it’s dripping wet Cherry, and don’t even think of using your free hand to finish yourself off.”

Rayne tried to rub her thighs together for some friction but it was useless, she was at Tommy’s mercy when it came to pleasure at the moment. “I’m gonna cum baby, where do you want it?”

“If you’re not gonna let me cum at least give me yours.  My mouth.”  Tommy gave his cock a few more pumps before he positioned himself so Rayne could lower her mouth onto him.  He came almost instantly Rayne sucking him off until nothing was left.

Tommy zipped his pants back up before he moved back behind Rayne. “Who said anything about not letting you cum?  I just wanted to make you beg for it.”

“Tommy I’ve done nothing but be-oh!”  Rayne cried out as Tommy slipped his fingers back inside Rayne and continued his work as if he hadn’t previously stopped.  He kept his fingers curled inside Rayne making her feel a super intense pleasure-filled pressure, not knowing what else to do she lifted her one leg to rest on the top of the toilet allowing Tommy all the space he needed to keep doing whatever he was doing.  A few more strokes and Rayne began to cry out, “Fuck Tommy… I- I’m gonna… holy sh…!!!!”  Rayne cried out as she felt a literal uncontrollable gush of liquid come out of her splashing onto the bathroom floor.  Tommy immediately put his arm around Rayne keeping her upright as her body practically turned to goo.  Tommy kissed Rayne as she came down from her high and kept kissing her until she stopped shaking.

“Holy fuck Tommy.”  Rayne said completely out of breath.  “Did you just make me do what I think you did?”

Tommy grinned like a cat that got the canary, rocking her back and forth in his arms.  “Looks that way.  Fuck you’re so hot.”

“Will you uncuff me please?”  Rayne asked lazily, she felt like she was floating on a cloud.

“Oh yeah sorry.”  Tommy quickly moved into action turning the small key and releasing Rayne from her constraints, kissing her wrist that was restrained when he pulled the cuff off.

“I wish I was in bed right now so I could live in this bliss for the rest of the night.”  Rayne cooed and Tommy stood up a little taller, proud of himself.

“Fuck, you look so good right now baby.”  Tommy smiled before giving her another kiss, gently pulling her dress back down into place.  “You think you can walk?”

Rayne giggled nodding her head and Tommy unlocked the stall. Tommy pulled Rayne towards him and the two made their way out of the stall, smiles plastered on their face. Luckily there was no walk of shame because no one was in the bathroom, except one particularly familiar blond girl.  The same one that had told Rayne months ago that Tommy wouldn’t give her up for “your fat ass” as she put it and had most likely set up the attempted assault on Rayne.  So needless to say Rayne couldn’t have been happier than to be caught in the act with Tommy and walked past her with no shame, only pride.  Fuck you skank!  “Well if that’s not the ultimate revenge, I don’t know what is.”  Tommy chuckled causing Rayne to join him giggling as they walked out of the bathroom, hand in hand.

“You want another drink?”  Tommy asked.  Rayne was still in a haze and just nodded her head smiling.  As she and Tommy made their way over to the bar Rayne noticed Nikki’s hair.  Tommy put his arm around his best friend, “What’s up dude?”

“Hey T-Bone.”  Nikki smiled before locking eyes with Rayne.  “Rayne.”

“Hey Nikki.”  Rayne replied.

“Did you two just fuck?”  Nikki asked looking between the two of them.  Rayne’s eyes went wide, “What?”

“Well Rayne has that just fucked smile on her face, and her lipstick is smudged.  And you,” Nikki turned to Tommy, “Your fly is still down.”

“Oh fuck.”  Tommy laughed before zipping himself up and narrowing his eyes at Nikki. “And no we didn’t fuck.”

Nikki looked back over to Rayne, “You still haven’t put out?” Nikki never mixed words, he was always blunt and to the point, she imagined that’s why he and Mick got along so well.

“Oh I’m not the problem here.  You’re boy is the one making me wait.”  Rayne pointed over to Tommy looking to bring some of the heat on him.  Now it was Nikki’s turn to go wide eyed.

“It’s gotta be perfect dude!”  Tommy replied enthusiastically as the bartender came over and Tommy ordered the drinks.

“You’re an idiot dude.”  Nikki rolled his eyes.  “Pretty soon she’s gonna give up on your ass and just start using toys.”

“Oh I use those already.”  Rayne said nonchalantly causing both the men in front of her to stare at her.  “What?  Guys don’t have the monopoly on masturbation, and most of the men in this city couldn’t please a woman on their best day.  Toys don’t have that problem, they work 100% of the time.”

“You’re fun.”  Nikki grinned raising his glass up saluting Rayne.  Rayne could always be one of the boys, most of the time she got along better with guys than girls.  Hence why Jo and she got along so well, because they both were mostly surrounded by men growing up.  The bartender brought their drinks over and Tommy handed Rayne her whisky. Nikki finished his Jack Daniels before pointing at Tommy, “Tommy, I have to talk to you.  Come with me.”

“Are you okay for a bit?”  Tommy said into Rayne’s ear.  Rayne knew what that was code for, Nikki was gonna get fucked up and wanted Tommy to go use with him.

“Yeah I’m alright.”  Rayne gave him a nod.  “I may still have trouble walking but I’ll manage.”

Tommy grinned before disappearing into the crowd with Nikki.

Rayne took a deep breath before she started circling the room trying to find Jo.  After a handful of greeting people she knew Rayne happened upon someone she wasn’t expecting to, but was happy about it all the same: Vince.  He was alone on a couch sipping on a beer. Rayne didn’t even think he was in costume.  He just looked like Vince.  Rayne approached him, “Hey Vince.”

Vince looked up at Rayne and gave her a quick nod of acknowledgement, “Hey.”

“Look I don’t know what’s going on between you and Jo,” Rayne started before Vince interrupted her.  “Absolutely nothing is going on between me and Jo.”

God Vince looked like someone kicked his dog as he took a big swig from his bottle, motioning to the bartender to bring him another. “If you want something to be going on go to the phone booth upstairs in twenty minutes.”

“What?”  Vince questioned.

“Vince, trust me go to the phone booth upstairs in twenty. You can thank me later.” Rayne put her hand on Vince’s shoulder before she went back to working through the crowd, Rayne looked up and finally found Jo who was sitting in one of the darkened go go cages.  Rayne climbed the steps to the cage before she took a seat.  

“Hey there.  How you doing?”  Rayne asked her friend who simply held up a near empty long island iced tea. “How many have you had?”

“I lost count after four.”  Jo answered.

“I think I know something to cheer you up.”  Rayne teased her best friend.  “Vince has been miserable.”

“Good he should be!”  Jo quickly shot back.

“No he’s miserable because he knows he fucked up with you.  Go to the phone booth in ten minutes. I promise it’ll be worth it, okay?”  Rayne smiled at her friend, who looked at her cockeyed.

“Did you just get fucked?”  Jo asked bluntly.

“What?!”  Rayne nearly choked.  How the fuck was everyone so aware of what she and Tommy had done earlier in the bathroom?

“I recognize the signs.  Your hair, or wig is all fucked.  Your lipstick is smeared.  And your dress is ripped.”  Jo said nonchalantly making Rayne’s eyes shoot down noticing that her dress was indeed ripped, the slit that went up to mid thigh now went all the way up basically to her hip.  “So did you?”

“We didn’t fuck, but we did other things.”  Rayne replied feeling her cheeks get hot.

“Good for you Ray.  It’s about time.  I may have to give the crown over to you, the new queen of the strip.” Jo gave Rayne a sad smile.

“No way, you’re still the queen.  You keep the crown.  And you better hurry up and get to the phone booth.”  Rayne nodded in the direction of the phone booth.  Jo nodded her head and got up on wobbly legs with Rayne’s assistance.  Rayne helped her down the steps before grabbing her pack of cigarettes from her bra.  She made her way towards the side door of Gazzari’s for some fresh air.  Rayne pushed the door open to reveal a decent crowd outside the club, most of them smoking, a few making out, others just talking.  Rayne lit up her cigarette and took a deep inhale, it certainly had been a crazy night.  

“Hey Morticia,” Rayne heard from beside her seeing a girl she didn’t quite recognize dressed up as an angel.

“Yeah?”  Rayne asked.

“Are you dating the drummer in Motley Crue?”  She asked taking a sip from her beer bottle.  Oh Rayne could just imagine what was coming next.

“I am.  Why?”

The angel chuckled, “I just offered him a blow job and he turned me down.  Said he was taken, and I saw the two of you at the bar earlier.  Figured I’d ask.  You’re lucky, I heard he was a great lay.  I would have offered it to the bass player too, but he couldn’t even stand he was so fucked up.”

Rayne felt like she was in the twilight zone.  This girl just admitted to her that she offered to blow Tommy.  He turned her down though which was reassuring  Rayne shook her head smiling, “I don’t know what to say, thanks?”

“You’re fucking gorgeous by the way.  If the two of you ever want to bring in someone else to fuck, let me know.”

The angel turned and walked back into the club leaving Rayne completely flabbergasted.  The shit you deal with on the Sunset Strip. Rayne took a deep inhale off her cigarette turning her head as the back door opened once again, revealing Tommy.  He had a big smile on his face, “There she is!”

“I’m here.”  Rayne smiled exhaling watching as Tommy pulled out his pack of cigarettes, lighting one up.  “I heard you refused a blow job from an angel.”  Rayne couldn’t help but laugh when Tommy almost choked on the smoke in his throat.  “Looks like you’re not the only one with eyes out here huh?”

“Well at least you know you can trust me right?”  Tommy ran his thumb over Rayne’s knuckles.  Rayne chose to leave out the other offer the angel gave her.

“For now.”  Rayne winked up at Tommy.  “Tommy?”  

“Hm?”  Tommy sounded inhaling from his cigarette.

“You know I can’t go to Canada on tour with you right?  I know you said something last night that alluded to me going out with you.”  Rayne had been thinking about it since Tommy brought it up in the studio last night.

“I had to give it a shot.”  Tommy shrugged before moving to stand in front of Rayne. “But Rayne, if this whole thing takes off…”

“Whenthis whole thing takes off.”  Rayne corrected him causing Tommy to smile wide.

“When this whole thing takes off, I’m going to want you to come out on the road with me.  Fuck I don’t wanna be away from you for a day let alone months on end.  Led Zeppelin went out on tours for four months at a time.”  Tommy spoke passionately, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Tommy, my job won’t let me…” Rayne started before Tommy cut her off.

“Fuck your job, I can take care of you.  You just have to let me.”  

“Do you know how hard that is for me to do Tommy?”  Rayne shook her head but still smiling up at him.  “It would basically make me a freeloader.  What would people think of me?”

“Fuck what people think trust in me.  When it happens I want you out with me.”  Tommy leaned down to kiss Rayne, she happily returned the kiss.

“I’ll think about it.”  Rayne smiled pulling away.  “Will that suffice for now?”

“I’ll accept that answer for now.  But when the time comes it will be unacceptable.”  Tommy winked at Rayne before looking down at her.  “Is your dress ripped?”

“Yeah it is,” Rayne shoved Tommy’s shoulder, “Thanks to you. Jo also asked me if I just got fucked when she saw me.  So I guess neither of us are good at hiding it.”  Tommy couldn’t help but laugh at Rayne.  “Also I think I got Jo and Vince to talk to each other, that is if either of them made it to the meeting spot.  They were both a bit drunk.”

“Look at you go cupid!”  Tommy raised his arms to mime the motion of shooting an arrow. “That’s what you should have dressed as tonight, you did hit me with an arrow of love.”

“Oh my god you fucking cheeseball.”  Rayne laughed.  “Are you sleeping over tonight?”

“Not tonight baby,” Tommy replied surprising Rayne, “I just got a new bed and I want to test it out.”

“Oh?  You got a new bed?” Rayne questioned.  “If it wasn’t in your cockroach infested apartment I might offer to break it in.”

“Mmmhmm.”  Tommy hummed before kissing Rayne once more.  Rayne felt like something was a little off with that response. How could he not say something in response to her statement?  Tommy was always one for teasing comments.  Even though Tommy had given her plenty of amazing orgasms, including one insane one tonight, she still wanted so badly to go all the way.  It was to the point where she was actually having sex dreams about Tommy that would result in her waking up just before it was about to get good.  Her brain was even cock blocking her.  The number of times Rayne woke up and had to grab one of her toys to finish her off was getting embarrassing.  She wondered how much longer Tommy could possibly make her wait...

---

Well there you have chapter 5.  What did we think??  We’re gonna have a few more chapters of happy smutty glory and then shit’s gonna go down!  Thanks for reading<3

Take me to the next chapter...

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 2 & 3

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Chapter 2

She did, however, meet the requirements—blonde, leggy, beautiful, and smart—but has zero sense of humor, and her personality didn't shine. Evan needs the exact

opposite of Amanda; someone who is funny like him and shines like he does.

Hey hey hey... no. We don't trash on other women just to make yourself look better in comparison.

I grab my winter coat and my purse. "Yep, let's go." I’m as ready as I’m going to be.

Chapter 2 summary: They leave the sexy costume shop and go to Dave & Busters (an arcade that sells mid-scale quality food, but also has a bar, so it's for sure a more mature place than a place like Chuck E Cheese). Evan perks up a little bit now that he's no longer being tortured into wearing a literal loincloth. Zoey thinks that it's weird at how self-conscious he is over the entire thing, and thinks that he should be on the cover of a magazine... but ignoring the fact that it's psychological about not wanting to be mostly naked in front of strangers.

She goes on for a while about how when they were in high school, she always felt like she was in Evan's shadow. But when they got to college and were in different classes, she had her chance to shine. And holy fucking shit, nobody cares.

Later, Zoey's friend Ashlee does her hair. Zoey complains that Jane would not have had access to a curling iron in the jungle, but Ahslee insists that she's doing her to look like the female lead in “One Million Years BC”. Also, Ashlee's costume is “sexy cowgirl”, if anybody gives a shit. (I don't.)

Chapter 3

Although Ashlee is a one-man woman, and right now her one man is Jim. The two of them have been going out for a few months now. But as we continue to make our way through the busy streets, she surprises the shit out of me when I ask her if Jim is meeting us there as well. She matter-of-factly states that they have broken up. It is a complete surprise and news to me. When I ask her why, Ashlee simply says he wasn't her soul mate. She just knew he wasn't the one. She will find her soul mate soon, she promises.

At this point, so long as we don't have a repeat of the shitty best friend who continuously tries to undermine the main character's love life for her own shitty gain... We're good.

I don't care about any of this, but still. This is passing that particular bar.

"Ooooo, someone already knows about butt squeezes." Then the bee smacks my ass.

Quick question: would any of you slap the butt of a person that you literally just met not even two seconds ago?

“Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmm, aren't they just delicious?"

[Image description: Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live, wearing a bad blonde wig and a baby pink top. She has a look of absolute shock, disgust, and horror on her face. Image is captioned with “I had to read this and so do you”.]

"When your monkey's giving you a 'hard' time, do you spank it, or can I spank your monkey for you?"

[Image description: Emma Stone with her red hair in a ponytail and a ribbon in it, while wearing a yellow shirt. She has a look of disgust and horror on her face. Image is captioned with “I had to read this and so do you”.]

Her eyes finally blink, and then four words come out of her mouth. "Found my soul mate."

My eyes travel the expanse of the room and zone in on what or who she's looking at, and that's when I see a very gorgeous blonde cowboy.

I'm all for absurd meet-cutes, but not only deciding to date somebody simply because they're wearing the same kind of costume as you are, but also deciding that you guys must be SOUL MATES is beyond weird and shallow.

I look up at Evan and he smiles back. Yep, I believe in soul mates.

Chapter 3 summary: Ashlee and Zoey walk to the party, and as they go, Ashlee gives a last-minute warning about the party hosts, Geoffrey and Patrick. Inside the apartment, Geoffrey shows up and he basically... “gays all over the place” is a phrase that pops into mind. (My phrase, not the books.) Like everything else in the book, this takes up way too much time, is cringe inducing, and after about two paragraphs of this, I started skimming and searching for the actual plot. Patrick, his boyfriend/husband shows up and the two of them basically start dry-humping in front of everybody, which only just makes it worse.

Evan shows up with his brother, Brett, and Brett's girlfriend, Nina. Brett and Nina are “doctor” and “sexy nurse”, as if the book needed to highlight the disparity between men's and women's costumes. Anyway, Brett makes a fuss over the literal lingerie Zoey is wearing, which is fair.

But then everybody suddenly leaves for various reasons, and Zoey is left alone with Evan. Since Ashlee had run off with the cowboy, and had called him her “soul mate”, Evan asks if Zoey believes in soul mates. She scoffs over the idea, but inwardly thinks that Evan is hers.

[sceawere]

We’ve lost more than just the plot: my thoughts on the season 4 finale

I have a lot of problems with this season. I have problems with characterisation. I have problems with storylines. I have problems with the way things were shown (I’m looking at you, informed consent).

But last episode was so good! The Luca/Alfie scene was one of the best pieces of television I’ve had the pleasure of consuming. So, there were problems, but I went in with high hopes because, you know, it’s Peaky Blinders, and I love it, so I ignored stuff. But how am I supposed to ignore that raging inferno of a dumpster fire that was the finale. Look. I’m so mad I’m using Americanisms. On that note, give me a Changretta spin off because we deserve it.

A lot of the arguments I make here are going to circle back to a few main points which can be covered by various subtitles such as: ‘Holy Fuck, is someone going to jump a shark in the cut at some point?’, ‘Tommy Shelby is a 4D chess master, except he hasn’t told anyone else where the board is kept’, and ‘Why?’.

This is rambing and probably at times confusing but bleh. Let’s begin.

-

Major shout out to dorahog for her comment where she said that it seemed very truncated – I think the events of the finale should have been spread over at least two episodes, and maybe three. A lot of the tying of the knots to me still left loose threads and didn’t really seem complete.

I think this, and some of the editing as a result is what causes some of the major problems I have with the episode. Lots of rushed finishing off to introduce too many new lines, idk. Anyway, I’m going to walk through it pretty much scene by scene, so buckle in.

We spend at least the first quarter (in terms of irl play time) of the episode at the boxing match. I was pumped. It was great. The Gold’s are my new faves, and while I may try to present myself as a refined you know, whatever, I love watching two people kick six shades of shit out of each other in a semi controlled manner any day of the week.

Even better when everyone is wearing sharp tailoring and it was someone’s entire job to light the place fantastically. I was about to write an ode to the costumes and props people but then I got a shot of Abbeys wig and the feeling swiftly fled.

Still, I will give the editing people props for this particular section. The pacing was great, the frenetic activity, the flicking back and forth between sets. Here, the editing was spot on. It built up the feeling of not only the excitement, but a sense of panic. Arthurs paranoia really seeped into me and I was on edge about whether Bonnie might be just a little over his head.

Since I’m going to reference pay off recurrently, I want to point out these elements. Arthur is always a paranoid, frenetic, madman. Bonnie has been woven into this season and everything has been building to this moment. The scene with the garotte and Bonnie winning the match – that’s how you do payoff.

Before we move on, I’m focusing on Alfie’s story a lot more later, so I’m skipping over that particular scene for the moment.

I loved the scene in the loos. It was funny, it was an accurate depiction of the politics and preening that goes on, the interplay between the women was indulgent. We got exposition, we got characterisation, we got costumes that made me salivate. More of all of this please.

I’m assuming that Linda is going to get a bigger role in Season 5 – the focus on her descent into Shelby Ladyhood, and the mentions of her past and family (especially her mother) seems to point that way. Which, I for one would enjoy. I think Linda gets a lot of hate because she’s written to. She’s portrayed as the shrew who tore poor little rabid dog Arthur away and leashed him up. I don’t think their relationship is completely healthy, I think there’s co-dependence issues there. But the way I’ve seen her described in fandom is eye-rolling to an extent that I physically injured myself on at least three occasions. So, please, give me more of her as a character and less as a caricature.

I’m so upset that Tommy would lie to Finn about Arthur being dead. Finn, the baby of the family, who wasn’t in the war, and doesn’t think and feel the way they do, was lied to about his brother dying just months after his other brother died. I think it’s sick emotional manipulation and unconscionable on Tommy’s part. If you can’t trust Finn, don’t bring him near the business. You can’t have it both ways. Either he’s in and you bring him in, or you don’t, and he needs to leave. I understand keeping the circle small, but they’ve just learned with the ‘don’t tell Michael about the plan’ plan that it doesn’t really work, and you just end up causing more problems.

Tommy has no consideration for people’s emotions or their state as beings of their own. They’re players to him, pieces on a board, and he’ll move them how he wants. He gets to make all the decisions, they don’t have any real input, and they have no ability to decide if they want to accept the consequences or not, because they’re already five steps deep in the process by the time they learn about it.

Side note: I’m bored of all the plans being made off screen and magically revealed to us later. If you’ve seen the really good video essay about why Sherlock is shitty for doing this, that’s the basis of my argument. It’s not smart or exciting to say ah! Got you! When I never had a chance to work it out in the first place. It’s just kind of lazy and boring.

Also, Tommy lied to a pregnant woman and caused her great distress, so that’s nice.

I cannot believe this is the first proper scene with Isaiah we get, because opening car doors and skulking in the background doesn’t count. Jordan Bolger is a great actor who brings so much to the character and they continually waste him. Isaiah could be so much more – he’s a black, working class kid, with a preacher for a father, in a crime family, and all he gets is a two-minute scene where he’s a bystander to Finn’s character development. Give me his struggle, give me him working through the moral conflicts – even the times they’ve just shown him to be a young lad being a young lad it’s been great, give us more. I assumed with the including of him in the heist plot that he would be stepping up into actual business, but they seem to have abandoned that idea and it’s disappointing. He can firmly join the ‘they deserve better’ club.

Finn should be left to be smol and soft, those are my complete thoughts.

Also, Tommy terrifies and holds hostage a whole room of innocent people as a charade because he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else’s feelings or autonomy any longer than they are useful to him.

Also, I love Goliath and I’m sad that with Alfie gone we’re probably not going to see anymore of him, my big son, I loved you while I had you.

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We move away from the boxing scenes and get Arthur’s ‘funeral’.

I will say, I bloody love the wagons and wish my alternate theory that the Shelby’s did in fact lose everything to Luca and have to start from scratch could have happened because they were would have got more shots of them being ethereal in the forest somewhere surrounded by beautiful woodwork a la the Polly/Abbey scenes, but alas…we get this instead.

The shot of the empty room and the fireplace was beautiful, and poignant, and I’m gonna give them that.

Also, was that Karl? Thank fuck if it was because I had assumed Ada had abandoned him in the states somewhere for all we’ve seen/heard of him so far. It’s not as if any of the children are seen to be particularly important or have any type of characterisation of their own though so why am I surprised?

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The way that Tommy treats Michael is ridiculous. You can’t complain about Michael keeping something back from you when you are lying to him about the exact same thing. I am so heartened by Michael saying, ‘I chose my mum’ because it not only shows that Michael isn’t Tommy Jr after all, but also that there’s a chance that the new generation will succeed the old guard after all and that this won’t just carry on forever.

Also, if Tommy can’t trust Michael with his life of all things, why would he trust him to handle the American business alone? How ridiculous. If I think someone was willing to screw me over in a double-cross that led to my death, I wouldn’t hand them the key to my secondary kingdom. Sense – this makes none.

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Audrey Changretta turning up at the funeral like the badass she is and I’m so sad that her whole life has been torn apart in order to make Tommy Shelby look like a big man. Honestly, if you ask me, the Shelbys should have lost. Luca should have won. It would have made more sense, and provided such great material for next season.

The Shelby’s, having lost everything and become the people they used to rule, must fight to get back to the top. It should have been everything this season was meant to be, getting back to their roots, scrapping again. It would have provided stakes again. They need to be taken down a few pegs. If I know that Tommy is just going to fix everything off screen at the end anyway and everything turns out the same, then why am I wasting my time?

But that’s what the show has become. It started off as an interesting look at the moral complexities of the family, how they worked together, struggling to be something other than what they were destined for by the people who consistently maligned them. Now it’s a show about how amazing Tommy Shelby is. But the only way they’ve made Tommy Shelby great, is by making everyone else an idiot.

Tommy is a 4D chess-master, but only because no else knows where the table is being kept.

Luca Changretta was introduced as what should have been the most terrifying antagonist yet. And they turned him into an idiot. Luca Changretta, mob boss, doesn’t know to leave men behind to keep an eye on the kingdom? Bullshit.

I understand that Tommy is the main guy and has plot armour, but he doesn’t need to be the centre of the universe to be compelling as a character. This guy has manipulated Churchill and the king, got a city, a country, and an empire revolving around him, been given an OBE and now is an MP. But he can’t count two steps in front of himself and predict that killing a mob boss’ father might bring the mob down on him? He never really sees the consequences of his actions. His wife dying didn’t change him as a person, he just got meaner. His brother dying didn’t change him as a person, he just got reckless. I need a little bit more.

Alfie is such a beloved character not just because Tom Hardy plays him so well, not just because he belts out hilarious nonsense like a slightly faulty spitfire, but because he’s a match for Tommy. A much-needed match. He can go toe-to-toe with him, hell, even half the time get one over on him. He tells it straight when he knows Tommy needs it, and he doesn’t take his bullshit. He’s a breath of fresh air in a show that wants to convince us the literal world (or at least the empire, and America, and the political-social climate of the period, and every woman in sights life) revolves around Thomas Shelby.

Even add Campbell to that pile. He was a shit show. He was disgusting. He was mildly inept at times. But he was menacing. He had political connections. You knew he was the guy they sent out to do the work that everyone turned an eye to, and how much damage he could cause without official recompense. But in the end, it wasn’t Grand Master Tommy who got him – it was Grace, and then Polly. Hell hath no fury like women scorned, and the beauty came so much more from the fact that it wasn’t the person who he perceived as his adversary that ended up doing him in. Someone he trusted, and someone he abused, doing what needed to be done. The priest last season was menacing because of the same, and in the end, it wasn’t Tommy that brought him down, it was Michael. It meant something because it was Michael.

I don’t see how killing Luca makes sense except it as a way to make Tommy look good and have the big Arthur reveal, which was bullshit anyway. There was little pay off there.

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And Alfie. Oh, sweet love, Alfie. So, not only do they take what is pretty much the most beloved character in the fandom, even casuals love the shit out of this man, and dispatch of him like a secondary mop up, but they do it in such a shitty way.

When the spoilers came out about Alfie’s cancer I had a personal reflexive ‘well fuck off with that’ having just lost someone irl to a long and messy cancer battle, so mainly I pushed it away and thought ‘ah, that won’t get dealt with yet, they’ve done nothing about it for season upon season, it’s probably just internal backstory bullshit’. Nope.

Alfie has been chronically underused in this show, and I understand it. I think the rare glimpses we get are so powerful that it makes sense. It’s Christmas Day. It’s an island in the sea of winter, and the anticipation’s half the fun. You get presents every day, and you’re just going to turn out to be a spoiled brat. But we spend seasons adoring this guy who lives in the damn shadows, scrapping together parts of his life so that we can better understand him, only to be fed a massive plot point as an offhand spoiler and then have the entire thing resolved in what felt like 20 minutes? There was no anticipation. There were no stakes. There was no payoff. I was just…sighing, mostly.

I knew when he started talking about Margate that I was about to be emotionally ruined, but I expected at least to get a fitting end. But no. We got Alfie screwing Tommy over again in a predictable but fucking useless way. We got Tommy shooting him on a beach and walking away. And that was it.

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I think the Tommy breakdown scenes would have had a bigger impact on me two seasons ago when I still had care for his character, but I just used the time to check my messages, so it didn’t really land with me tbh. The whole last segment of this ep just flew over me.

The malignment of Jessie Eden’s character will likely get a post of its own soon. Except I am going to say here that I’m entirely sure that what Tommy is doing counts as sexual assault – see the case of the woman who had a child with someone she didn’t know was an undercover agent in her what I think was also Communist action group, and also the new laws that stop undercover people from sleeping with those they are surveying. Because you can’t give informed consent. But they’re probably not going to address that, because we have a love triangle to deal with now.

Also, Tommy abandoned a dog and tampered with an election so he’s everyone I hate now. You don’t come for the animals or the democratic process. Taking inspiration from my dear love, Alfie Solomons, what a fucking cunt.

But besides that, it was fine.