#Zoey (A4LW)

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 14, 15, & epilogue

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Chapter 14

Skye sits next to me and asks me how I'm doing and whatnot. She's really not that bad— kinda sweet even. I decide to give her a chance, even though something in

the way Ash calls her Barbie Doll sets of my radar, but I let it go for now.

That would be the part of you that screams against pitting women against women and Ashlee's internalized misogyny.

I find Evan just watching, his lips set in a thin line, before a small, very small, smile tugs at his lips. I think he mouths, "Congrats." Just as the complete and utter joy that is consuming me starts to change into something else entirely, I am drawn back to four gushing girls. Yep, Geoffrey and Patrick are included in that mix. Geoffrey and Ashlee start to argue about who will be the wedding planner, and all I can do is watch Evan walk away. For something reason, the idea crawls into the forefront of my mind; my best friend is also walking away from me.

Look, I don't have an ounce of sympathy for Evan. He hid his feelings and now he's paying the price.

I'm legit going to scream if Zoey dumps Griffin at the altar for this shitstain of a human who couldn't even get it together to confess to the girl he loved... FOR TEN YEARS.

"It's not like that, Zoey. Seriously, I've been busy," he repeats.

I don't believe him. "I miss you. I miss us," I honestly tell him.

"You have Griffin, what do you need me for?" His voice is detached.

The dude is so butthurt over being friendzoned despite him saying nothing to her for over 10 years that he's literally going to end this friendship.

I would say he's an incel, but he seems intent on having his own rebound relationships with pretty blondes.

"Stop. Just stop. I can't be there for you, Zoey. Not now. Not anymore. You have Griffin, and I have Skye. This friendship of ours won't be the same, isn't the same. You don't need to rely on me anymore.”

That's now how friendships are supposed to work.

Although I honestly think that it's really telling that Evan is calling Zoey's relationship with him as “dependent”. This guy has a raging incel mentality when it comes to Zoey. If he can't have her, then she's a shitty person who doesn't deserve to have friends.

"You love me?"

"I love you."

"You can't."

"Yes I can."

"No, you can't. Not today. Not now. I've waited so long to hear you say those words.”

[…]

"Zoey…"

"Evan, just go."

GOOD.

In a flash, Evan's hand snakes up my back and cradles my head. He leans in, and his lips hover over mine. And then he kisses me. His warm, plump lips mold to mine—fitting perfectly, as if they were meant to fit together.

Right. So he disrespects her wishes to leave and decides to sexually assault her.

"Evan, I…I…I don't…you need to leave."

GOOD. FILE A FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST THAT JERK.

"Okay then, it's time to get you married." And with that, we leave the bridal suite behind.

Chapter 14 summary: Some time passes, and Evan begins to pull away from Zoey more and more. She's frustrated and hurt by it, and continues to be blind about his feelings for her. Ashlee makes it way worse by pointedly asking Zoey about how she'd slept with Griffin in front of Evan.

One day, everybody is at a baseball game, including Evan's latest blonde bimbo girlfriend, Skye. (She isn't important.) Griffin comes back from the concession stand and pops the question. Everybody is excited, but Evan just leaves.

As Zoey plans her wedding, Evan always has some excuse not to be around her. Except Zoey knows that he's not that busy if he can meet up with Ashlee and his brother from time to time. She goes to his work and calls him out before she asks him to be her man of honor (male “maid of honor”). He refuses, and says he's not going to her wedding at all.

Later, at the actual wedding, as Zoey is getting ready before the ceremony, Evan comes in and confesses his love. Zoey rejects him over and over. He insists and kisses her, but she tells him to get the fuck out.

"So, your number?" My ears register his words.

I look down, and in my hand is a cell phone. When I look up at him, he

smiles and nods toward the phone. Griffin.

YO WHAT THE FUCK. LITERALLY NONE OF IT WAS REAL?!

A tissue is passed to me a couple of times, especially when I relive Evan walking out of the bridal suite—walking out on me.

This girl needs serious mental help if she's experiencing vivid hallucinations that are impacting her that deeply.

I finally have found that elusive four letter word, and it's wrapped around me. And I'm never letting it go.

Chapter 15 summary: THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING WAS THE ON-SET OF A GODDAMNED SCHIZOPHRENIC DISORDER IN ZOEY OR SOME GODDAMNED SHIT. LITERALLY NOTHING WAS REAL. She comes back to herself and flips the fuck out. This goes on for way too long, with Patrick, Geoffrey, and Ashlee just trying to get her to calm down. Eventually, they convince her to confess her feelings to Evan, and that goes on for way too long.

Zoey later goes over to his apartment and they confess their feelings. At this point, I literally don't care. They could have turned into hippos and I wouldn't give a shit. We wasted an entire fucking book only for it to be that ending.

You know what, I take it back. Zoey leaving Griffin at the altar seems better in comparison to this shit.  

Epilogue

He tenderly kisses my neck. I snuggle into him and can't help but smile. It's funny how history has a habit of repeating itself.

Epilogue summary: Following that fucking terrible ending, I literally do not give a shit about the actual happy ending. 16 years later, they're still in love. Zoey watches as her own daughter goes through the same kind of emotional turmoil she went through with Evan. Zoey and Evan are like “young love”.

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 6 & 7

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Chapter 6

High School Sophomore Year, first day…

Oh good, just what I wanted to read about. /ALL THE GODDAMNED SARCASM

I am able to drive to school, since I just turned sixteen and I don’t have to depend on the bus or my dad driving me—the advantages of starting kindergarten a year

later than everyone else.

[image description: a large, black circle on a white background. It says “feel free to pepper in some periods into that sentence”]

The blonde girl standing next to him stifles a giggle when he leans in and whispers in her ear.

Oh my God. He's flirting with her right in the middle of class. What a jerk! Erica's right.

I'm failing to see how flirting somehow equates him being a “jerk”.

Evan smiles and nods his head. He then turns his attention back to Mr. Williams who has started to go over the syllabus. I do the same, and I can't help but think that – just maybe – Erica might be wrong.

Chapter 6 summary: Despite the fact that this story is only 15 chapters long, and considering how the first five chapters were taken up by the stupid Halloween party, the narration has decided to give us these morons in high school. Although... why am I complaining? High school fits their mentality.

Anyway, too much time is spent with Zoey thinking about how she moved from Michigan last year, and how she was the new girl. It's a new school year, and she's not excited at all.

In biology class, she's hoping to be partners with her BFF, Erica. But the teacher assigns them seats, and Zoey is partnered with some guy named Evan, that Erica says that school rumors are that he's a jerk. Zoey isn't happy with that.

Chapter 7

One time, in Michigan, my friend, Claire set me up on a blind date with one of her boyfriend's friends. She couldn't tell me much about him except he was a nice guy. The whole night I had to hear about his Star Wars obsession. He even tried to show me his light saber—an actual light saber used in the movie. Plus he had to use his inhaler about a half a dozen times.

I get that it's annoying being out with somebody who has no social graces. But damn girl, don't hate somebody simply because they have a medical condition.

She sounds like a shallow bitch.

My heart loses its way in the rain that now pelts against the cafeteria windows.

Forever only friends.

Chapter 7 summary: We're now halfway through the school year. Erica has been pulling away emotionally from Zoey, which is natural, but it still sucks when you realize what's happening, and can't do anything about it. Zoey has developed a huge crush on Evan.

In science class, they're given busy work to draw various animals in whatever scientific way. Evan gushes over how good Zoey's drawings are, and how he's shit at it. In this story's usual way, this takes up too much time without actually going anywhere.

At lunch, another of Zoey's friends asks if she's in a relationship with Evan. When Zoey insists that she and Evan are just friends, only friends, the other girl eagerly asks if Zoey would mind if she took a shot at asking Evan out. “Why would I when we're not in a relationship?”

I don't even have words for this at this point. Like the girl is so dumb and afraid of starting something that she's literally been making herself miserable for more than a decade.

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word prologue & chapter 1

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Prologue

All because my best friend, Evan, told me he loved me—on my wedding day.

Prologue summary: Our unnamed protagonist muses about the dictionary, words, and the literal definition of the word “love”. She never really believed in love... until she was literally getting married and her best friend stood up and said that he loved her.

Chapter 1

"Evan, if you come out, I promise we can go to Dave and Buster's and shoot and kill some zombies afterwards, okay?"

"And play ski-ball too?" he practically whines.

I knew I would get him with this. "Yes, we can play ski-ball too, but you have to come out and let me see your costume."

Is this supposed to be the love interest? Why is he acting like he stopped maturing at three years old?

This isn't romantic, or even remotely amusing behavior, despite what the author would have us believe.

I can’t believe I have to beg and plead with him—he’s twenty-seven for Pete’s sake.

ARE YOU SURE?! BECAUSE HE'S ACTING LIKE HE'S SEVEN.

"You really promise? You swear on your most prized possession, your autographed poster of ‘NSync?"

I knew he was up to something. My heart double beats and I clutch at it. He means business. My autographed ‘NSync poster is everything to me.

I'm literally on the 6th page. I cannot.

Why did the author even bother writing these people who are almost 30 if she was only going to write them with the emotional maturity of elementary school students? This is so embarrassing... and honestly says a lot about the author if this is how she thinks people nearing their 30s act like this.

I quickly strip down and pull the practically non-existent costume on. Once I think it's on properly, God only knows, there’s not much too it, I turn around and gaze at myself in the mirror. My mouth gapes open, and all I can do is stare at my image and the lack of costume it’s wearing. Damn Ashlee for suggesting this stupid store. I swear the next time I see my little, meddling, fashionista, best girlfriend; I am going to do some serious bodily harm. I should have known this store only stocked skimpy costumes. It should be named Slutty R’ Us, not Harry’s Costumes.

I literally don't know what she even expected.

I have a feeling it is going to be a very interesting Halloween party.

Chapter 1 summary: One year before the prologue, we enter on Evan and Zoey trying on costumes from the Slutty R' Us costume shop. Evan is being a brat about it, and Zoey bribes him to come out in his... uh... I'm not even sure how you could make Tarzan sexier. The dude literally just wears a loincloth and nothing else. This goes on for way too long, and it's tedious and physically painful to read.

Zoey is really turned on by the sight of Evan in literally a loincloth, and keeps reminding herself that she isn't his type. He usually goes for leggy blondes... Except for one girl. He was with her for a really long time before they abruptly broke up. Zoey doesn't know why, which she thinks is a little weird, considering how close she and Evan usually are.

When it's Zoey's turn, she puts on her sexy outfit. She thinks that she looks good, but then remembers that they're going to a party, and there will be a lot of eyes on her. Evan calls to her to come out, and his jaw is practically on the floor when he sees her. He says that it's a good thing that they're going together, so that he can beat the guys back from her. However, Zoey is glad that she is going with the sexy costume, so that she can maybe find a real date.  

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 12 & 13

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Chapter 12

Winter Break, Senior Year, Northwestern University

*feral screaming* GET BACK TO THE FUCKING PLOT. WHATEVER THIS IS, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

We both settle into the couch to watch Evan's favorite Christmas movie. This isn't

going to be the worst Christmas after all.

Chapter 12 summary: It's Christmas break, and Zoey doesn't want to leave campus because her parents are going on a second honeymoon. They'd invited Zoey along, but she didn't want to be third-wheeling it the entire time. Despite Ashlee's protests that she'd invited to her family's house for the holidays, Zoey refuses and would rather literally mope around than actually enjoy herself.

She's in the middle of a Christmas movie marathon when Evan shows up. He's beyond upset over something, and for some unholy reason, Zoey decides that her dad's cancer came back. I don't know why they would have told Evan and not their own daughter about this, but I get that anxiety isn't always logical.

Evan says no, her dad is fine. But then says that he and Paige broke up after three years together. Zoey is upset over this, certain that she can somehow convince Evan (and Paige) to give it another shot. Evan keeps refusing everything she tries to say, and says that sometimes people just aren't going to work out.

He then gives her an expensive version of a best friend bracelet, and he himself has one as well. Tacky after 12 years old. Zoey gives him a personalized journal with his name on it. They settle in to watch Christmas movies.

Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

Item #128751, quantity 3.

Check.

Item #613475, quantity 1?

I very rarely order just one copy.

What book is this?

"Ride 'Em Cowgirl: Sex Position Secrets for Better Bucking"

Ashlee.

That explains it all. She always manages, somehow, to add something to

an order I've got going out.

Since this chapter couldn't be bothered to tell us that they're still not in college, I can only just assume that this takes place around Christmas of their senior year of university.

Because right now being with Griffin feels like home, and I never thought I would start to feel this way about anyone other than Evan. I was wrong.

Chapter 13 summary: Despite the author forgetting to actually inform us that this takes place in the present, this does. Ashlee likes to sneak in book orders for weird things, and they're usually about sex. But thinking about sex leads Zoey to think about... well. Griffin. The book doesn't elaborate, but I'm barely reading at this point, so I'm not sure that my skimming really mattered that much in the long run.

Griffin shows up with an invite from the gay power couple inviting Zoey to a New Year's Eve party. Feel like the time in this book is wonky, but whatever.

So they go. And just imagine every other line is cringe inducing and makes me want to gouge my brain out. Evan shows up, and Zoey feels bad with the reminder over how much distance has formed between them. She wants to make things right, but nothing she does seems to drag Evan back to her again. Evan and Zoey get caught under some mistletoe, and they kiss one another at Geoffrey's urging. Zoey feels bad later, but Griffin tells her that it's okay. That she got to live out one of her childhood fantasies, but he's her reality now.

After midnight, Griffin and Zoey start to leave. As they're going, Griffin says that he's falling hard and fast for her, and Zoey agrees she feels the same. Zoey thinks that she wasn't sure she'd ever feel for somebody the same way she feels about Evan, but she's happy to have finally moved on. And I have to say... at this point, I sure fucking hope that this book pulled out something unexpected and Zoey actually ends up with Griffin. Because Evan is a terrible person and I honestly kind of hate him.

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 10 & 11

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Chapter 10

"Look, Zoey, I didn't come here to fight with you. I hate that we…the other day…at…fuck! I've missed you so much, and I hate the fact that I hurt you. I didn't…it's just…I'm, I'm trying, Zoey, really trying to…to accept…I just don't want to see you get hurt. It breaks my heart when that happens. If…if I can prevent that from ever happening, I will do everything in my power to prevent it. Anything."

I love ellipsis as much as the next girl, but damn. That's too many periods. Maybe sprinkle some of these into those unholy run-on sentences elsewhere in the story.

My smile grows and my lips continue to tingle. Dinner. With Griffin. Gah, I have so much to share with the girls.

Chapter 10 summary: Despite Evan coming out of his way to apologize, Zoey is still filled with rage at the sight of him. He does give a stammering apology before he finally says that if Griffin hurts her, they'll never find his body. Which, the sentiment is nice, but as even Zoey says, it's so fucking uncalled for. There's looking out for a friend, and then there's being so over-bearing that you literally drive them away.

Later, Zoey is swamped in the bookstore she owns, since Christmas is quickly approaching. Griffin drops by while running an errand for his boss, and tries to invite her to lunch. She says that she already made plans with Ashlee, Geoffrey, and Patrick, whom she calls “the girls”. I'm not going to argue about that. However, Griffin changes and asks if she wants dinner instead; she agrees to that.

Chapter 11

“Griffin is an amazing guy, sometimes I wish he would switch teams so we could set him up with someone that would be just perfect for him.”

They do realize that they can set Griffin up with a woman... right? Like they act as if it's somehow illegal for them to contemplate making a heterosexual relationship happen.

Dinner was delivered as Geoffrey and Patrick promised, and it smells fantastic. I've never been to Antonio's, but it is now on my list of places I will eat at. Geoffrey was adamant about the menu, saying garlic for a romantic dinner at home was a no-no. Who am I to argue? Garlic and kissing really don't go well together, and I hope tonight Griffin and I will be doing a lot of kissing.

They ordered Italian food but didn't want any garlic on it? What's next, no pasta? No red sauce?

I may or may not swish my hips a little more than usual. My little actions cause him to moan. Dinner and this date are going to be—amazing!

Chapter 11 summary: Zoey goes to her lunch, where the boys are surprised to hear about how she's not actually in a relationship with Evan, but has started up one with Griffin. Despite now being Zoey's friends, they read her the riot act about hurting Griffin. Since they're next door neighbors at the apartment complex, they explain about his ex-girlfriend one day just left with literally zero explanation or warning. Griffin came home from work one day and all of her shit was just gone. So they don't want to see him hurt again.

They then jump at the chance to help arrange a romantic evening in for Zoey and Griffin. They tell her to go get dolled up at such-and-such place, and when she comes back, they dress her up. They even had food delivered, since Zoey can't cook.

When Griffin shows up, they make out for a while before Zoey goes to get the food.

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 8 & 9

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Chapter 8

A couple of weeks or so after Halloween…

As if it wasn't abundantly clear that this had originally been fanfic. Like I'm sure that when you opened the original fic on fanfiction.net, it was cute and it got a lot of reviews.

But this weird back and forth, the sudden drop into high school and then back again, how long it took the author to move past a single Halloween party... It's tolerable in a fanfic because you're just looking for cute fluff with already established characters.

But in a novel, it doesn't work, and it's fucking annoying. We're looking for more than fluff with pre-established character. You need to introduce these characters and tell the reader why they should care.

And we're 8 chapters in, these people are annoying as fuck-all, they're not getting better, and like... This is terrible. This book is fucking terrible.

I straighten my shoulders, shake off all the yuckiness, and leave my bedroom, ready to start what is probably going to be an amazing evening.

Chapter 8 summary: It's been a few weeks since Halloween, and Zoey has been texting with Griffin. And then they finally agreed to go out together on a date.

Meanwhile, Zoey goes to a diner to finally have “the talk” with Evan, as the narration puts it. He's distant when she first shows up, but then jumps back into being present with Zoey like nothing's normal, and asks if she wants to see a movie on Friday. She says she can't because she has a date with Griffin.

Evan loses it, and part of me gets where he's coming from. That it's dangerous for women to go out on dates without running a full background check on the guy. But mostly I side with Zoey, because he's refusing to make a move on her, and thus, preventing her from getting out and trying to live her life. Heartbreak comes with dating, and I wouldn't say that it's normal, but damn. It's not Evan's decision if Zoey should go out to dinner with Griffin. Zoey storms out from the restaurant at this point.

Later, Zoey gets ready with Ashlee. Her friend kind of teases her a bit about how into Griffin Zoey is, but that just makes Zoey think about Evan, and it sours the mood a lot. She hasn't heard from Evan since the restaurant incident days earlier. Ashlee tries to tell Zoey that it's because Evan is jealous, but Zoey won't listen. So Ashlee instead tries to say that he's worried about being replaced as the best guy in Zoey's life.

Zoey then decides to shake off the brief funk and to go on her date.

Chapter 9

I suddenly feel like Sally Field—"He likes me, he really likes me."

What a weird metaphor.

I quickly grab the bag out of his hands and walk toward the kitchen, leaving the door open for Evan to enter. All I hear is his laughter as I enter the kitchen and dig into the bag.

Chapter 9 summary: So they go on their date. Griffin takes her to his “favorite restaurant”, which turns out to be the same restaurant she and Evan usually go to. The one where she stormed out from him and hadn't heard back from him since.

She goes inside despite the panic building up in her. But after a while, she confesses about her relationship with Evan... at least the friendship part. And he says he understands, because he has a female cousin that he's close with, and he's always been protective of her. But goes on to say that he hopes Evan doesn't get in the way of his budding relationship with Zoey, because he really likes her.

Griffin drops her off at her apartment, and asks that they can do it again. He kisses her, and she invites him in to stay... Wink wink. We don't get the scene between her and Griffin, though.

Instead, we get a weird dream where Evan confesses his feelings for her the next morning. But the entire thing is so awkwardly out of the blue that I guessed right away that it was a dream. She wakes up a little disappointed.

And this is where it gets weird, because there was a total fade to black moment that implied that she'd slept with Griffin, but in the morning, she doesn't think about it, and he's not there. I don't know what's going on, other than to create more drama between her and Evan.

Somebody knocks on the door, and she thinks that it's Ashlee. But it's Evan, with “I'm sorry I was an asshole” breakfast offerings. She invites him in without a second thought, which really solidifies the idea that Griffin really isn't there at all.

[percontaion-points]

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Chapter 4

I am thirsty, but I think I just need a little liquid courage to not feel so out on display wearing what I’m wearing.

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU 1) BUY IT AND 2) GO OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN IT?!

I stand on my tippy toes and scan the line of men parading on stage. I notice the cowboy Ashlee dubbed as her soul mate and next to him is Evan. He looks so uncomfortable—a fish out of water. I should feel bad for him, but I don't. Payback is a bitch.

"The scared Tarzan—that's him." I point to Evan as Patrick makes him spin around for the crowd to really get a good look.

"This is Tarzalicious, my lovelies. Couldn't you just eat him with a spoon?" Patrick asks the party guests eyeing Evan up and down.

You notice how the narration only bothers to have them announce Evan in the “parade of male hotness”? (Ugh, I feel sick just writing that. Please, make it stop.)

Evan turns fifty shades of red.

CAN WE NOT.

Now I have two cheerleaders encouraging me and my heart swells at the prospect.

Chapter 4 summary: Evan and Zoey make their way to the bar, where Zoey starts drinking like a fish. I cannot. Anyway, the gay wonder twins show up and basically pressure Evan into joining a sexy Halloween costume contest for the guys. Despite him saying no. Zoey pressures him into doing it, and he leaves with the gay wonder twins. But not before the twins says that the women's contest is up next!  

As soon as he's gone, a man comes up and starts flirting with Zoey. He introduces himself as Griffin... Scraping the bottom of the name barrel here, are we? Anyway, the entire thing is so stilted and awkward and it makes me wonder if the author has ever had a conversation. Full stop. She acts like she's never once spoken to anybody in her entire life.

Griffin and Zoey get up closer to the stage, where they watch as people parade past. Voting is done by screaming the loudest for people you find the sexiest, so they announce that Evan is the winner. Which makes sense, seeing as how he's the only named character in the contest. The wonder twins put a crown and sash over him, and the grand prize is $500, which is legit not bad.

Evan comes over to Zoey, although at this point, she's just annoyed over his over-protectiveness. She thinks that she might have a chance with Griffin, and doesn't want Evan to ruin it. The two of them give Zoey a pep-talk about her going up onto the stage for the women's sexy costume contest, and the chapter ends there.

Chapter 5

"I don't want to enjoy this dance with you. I was enjoying dancing with Griffin before you so rudely interrupted."

She does know that she can refuse to dance with Evan... right? It's like she has zero agency, and literally just goes with whatever people around her tell her to do, even when she clearly doesn't want to.

"No. Despite what you think, I am just looking out for my best friend. You know, looking out for her best interest, making sure she doesn't do anything stupid, making sure no one hurts her in any shape or form, especially when that form is dressed like a gladiator."

He has a really good point, and it's hard to side with Zoey about this. Mainly because she met Griffin not even five minutes ago, and she's already playing tonsil hockey with him.

I mean, I am a grown-ass woman, and he knows nothing about Griffin.

To be fair, neither do you.

YOU LITERALLY MET HIM FIVE MINUTES AGO. CALM DOWN, GIRL. STOP PLANNING YOUR WEDDING.

"Oh, my God, I am so sorry," Ashlee apologizes, giving herself a V8 forehead smack.

What the fuck. Who the hell calls it that? WHAT GODDAMNED YEAR IS IT?! I don't even remember the last time I saw an ad for V8.

My best friend and I are going to have to have a little talk about his bodyguard assignment.

Soon…very soon.

Chapter 5 summary: Zoey goes over to the wonder twins, where an unholy amount of time is spent with her talking to them before the women's contest starts. And I'm just going to say it: whenever Geoffrey and Patrick show up on the page, my mind kind of starts to do this TV static thing. I literally cannot read this garbage.

Anyway, way too much time is spent on this, especially considering that barely five seconds were spent on the other contest. Nina wins, if anybody gives a shit.

Zoey goes back to Griffin, and he randomly kisses her. They start dancing, but the Evan is like “fuck off, bro. I'm going to dance with her!” This prompts a huge fight between Zoey and Evan that's basically like “You probably shouldn't suck-face with a guy you met literal minutes ago.” “SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!”

Zoey then randomly thinks about going to prom, and watching her ex dance with, and I quote “the school slut”. They'd gone out for two months before he began to pressure her for sex. When she refused, he called her a “frigid cock-tease”, and quickly moved on. Evan stepped up to the plate when Zoey was left in near tears at the sight of her ex, and Evan danced with her.

Brett and Nina say that they want to go, so Zoey goes to say goodbye to Ashelee. Her latest boyfriend, Collin, promises to get her home safely. Way too much time is spent saying goodbye to the wonder twins. Griffin promises to call Zoey later. As she leaves, Zoey fumes about how shitty Evan is being about her dating. Although, I said what I said about that.

[percontaion-points]

A Four Letter Word chapters 2 & 3

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Chapter 2

She did, however, meet the requirements—blonde, leggy, beautiful, and smart—but has zero sense of humor, and her personality didn't shine. Evan needs the exact

opposite of Amanda; someone who is funny like him and shines like he does.

Hey hey hey... no. We don't trash on other women just to make yourself look better in comparison.

I grab my winter coat and my purse. "Yep, let's go." I’m as ready as I’m going to be.

Chapter 2 summary: They leave the sexy costume shop and go to Dave & Busters (an arcade that sells mid-scale quality food, but also has a bar, so it's for sure a more mature place than a place like Chuck E Cheese). Evan perks up a little bit now that he's no longer being tortured into wearing a literal loincloth. Zoey thinks that it's weird at how self-conscious he is over the entire thing, and thinks that he should be on the cover of a magazine... but ignoring the fact that it's psychological about not wanting to be mostly naked in front of strangers.

She goes on for a while about how when they were in high school, she always felt like she was in Evan's shadow. But when they got to college and were in different classes, she had her chance to shine. And holy fucking shit, nobody cares.

Later, Zoey's friend Ashlee does her hair. Zoey complains that Jane would not have had access to a curling iron in the jungle, but Ahslee insists that she's doing her to look like the female lead in “One Million Years BC”. Also, Ashlee's costume is “sexy cowgirl”, if anybody gives a shit. (I don't.)

Chapter 3

Although Ashlee is a one-man woman, and right now her one man is Jim. The two of them have been going out for a few months now. But as we continue to make our way through the busy streets, she surprises the shit out of me when I ask her if Jim is meeting us there as well. She matter-of-factly states that they have broken up. It is a complete surprise and news to me. When I ask her why, Ashlee simply says he wasn't her soul mate. She just knew he wasn't the one. She will find her soul mate soon, she promises.

At this point, so long as we don't have a repeat of the shitty best friend who continuously tries to undermine the main character's love life for her own shitty gain... We're good.

I don't care about any of this, but still. This is passing that particular bar.

"Ooooo, someone already knows about butt squeezes." Then the bee smacks my ass.

Quick question: would any of you slap the butt of a person that you literally just met not even two seconds ago?

“Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmm, aren't they just delicious?"

[Image description: Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live, wearing a bad blonde wig and a baby pink top. She has a look of absolute shock, disgust, and horror on her face. Image is captioned with “I had to read this and so do you”.]

"When your monkey's giving you a 'hard' time, do you spank it, or can I spank your monkey for you?"

[Image description: Emma Stone with her red hair in a ponytail and a ribbon in it, while wearing a yellow shirt. She has a look of disgust and horror on her face. Image is captioned with “I had to read this and so do you”.]

Her eyes finally blink, and then four words come out of her mouth. "Found my soul mate."

My eyes travel the expanse of the room and zone in on what or who she's looking at, and that's when I see a very gorgeous blonde cowboy.

I'm all for absurd meet-cutes, but not only deciding to date somebody simply because they're wearing the same kind of costume as you are, but also deciding that you guys must be SOUL MATES is beyond weird and shallow.

I look up at Evan and he smiles back. Yep, I believe in soul mates.

Chapter 3 summary: Ashlee and Zoey walk to the party, and as they go, Ashlee gives a last-minute warning about the party hosts, Geoffrey and Patrick. Inside the apartment, Geoffrey shows up and he basically... “gays all over the place” is a phrase that pops into mind. (My phrase, not the books.) Like everything else in the book, this takes up way too much time, is cringe inducing, and after about two paragraphs of this, I started skimming and searching for the actual plot. Patrick, his boyfriend/husband shows up and the two of them basically start dry-humping in front of everybody, which only just makes it worse.

Evan shows up with his brother, Brett, and Brett's girlfriend, Nina. Brett and Nina are “doctor” and “sexy nurse”, as if the book needed to highlight the disparity between men's and women's costumes. Anyway, Brett makes a fuss over the literal lingerie Zoey is wearing, which is fair.

But then everybody suddenly leaves for various reasons, and Zoey is left alone with Evan. Since Ashlee had run off with the cowboy, and had called him her “soul mate”, Evan asks if Zoey believes in soul mates. She scoffs over the idea, but inwardly thinks that Evan is hers.