#also really enjoying the sawyer here i think in the book he was less grey-area and i like that the tv show makes him more complex

[quatregats]

Things that will never stop being absolutely delicious: any sort of parallel between Hornblower and Sawyer

[gaymirajane]

Inside My Mind - A Commission for @auratw

HAPPY BIRTHDAYM, BEAUTIFUL!! At least, it definitely is here… I think you still have a few hours left, but I would have felt guilty if I didn’t get your gifts to you at midnight exactly!! 

Although you did technically commission this piece (in part, at least), it felt appropriate to post it on your birthday.

I love you, and I hope you enjoy this!!

Pairs: Erik x Meredy

Word Count: 3.5k

Plot: Meredy is a transgender woman, and Erik is overwhelmed with love for her.

**WARNINGS FOR IMPLIED GENDER DYSPHORIA**

At least two of these scenes are inspired by the Charlie/Jamie story in Khaos Komix. It’s a beautiful story that includes different ethnicity groups, classes, and various parts of the lgbt* community. I will link it here, as I highly recommend it to everyone. It’s written by a beautiful transgender man, and it’s so honest and raw, but means the absolute world to me. I hope if anyone does read the whole thing they come and message me!! I’ve never spoken to someone who has read it before ahhh!!

It was inevitable, when he thought about it, that he would hear things that he shouldn’t. Whether it be thoughts, memories, or dreams, the minds of people were littered with secrets, and Erik’s magic was unpredictable; sometimes he could hear everything that darted through a person’s head, and other times… nothing. Some people were hard to read, others might as well have said their thoughts out loud, the clarity and conviction was so strong. However, through the years Erik had found himself picking up pieces of information that he did not want to know – or rather, that should not have been his to know in the first place. His magic was how he knew that Jellal had a masochist streak, and also that Sorano helped to fulfil this particular need when everyone else was asleep and the earth was still. It was how he knew that Macbeth suffered from frightful nightmares that kept them both awake some nights, and that Richard had once had an intimate dream about a member of Lamia Scale that, on some occasions, his mind still revisited. Sawyer had a phobia of rats, Sorano – of all the things in Earthland – polystyrene. None of these facts had, to his knowledge, been spoken aloud.

And this, this was a nothing thing that he was not supposed to know.

“Are you keeping up with us, Erik?” Meredy’s voice and smile were as bright as usual, her feet bouncing from rock to rock as she turned to grin impishly at him. He was so lost in thought that he had fallen behind the group, something that happened more frequently than he would care to admit; it was hard to focus on moving when his energy was concentrated on separating the ideas in his own head from those in his guild.

He coughed, nodded, and slowly passed her by. He felt her confusion at his lack of response as a spike in her energy, a thin grey cloud that veiled her other thoughts. Erik ignored it, ignored her, and moved to stand next to Sorano. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, grinning slyly. He gritted his teeth; Sorano didn’t need magic to read people, after all.

“It’s not nice to ignore a girl, Erik. Especially not one as cute as Meredy.” Her tone was a playful, lazy drawl. There was not much that she took seriously.

“Whatever.” As clipped and flat as usual, but a response no less; Sorano seemed surprised she got that much. Erik could not tell exactly what she was thinking though, as each member of the former Oracion Seis had focused recently on creating a mental barrier between them and Erik’s magic. It was important now especially, as the nature of Crime Sorciere meant that they were spending almost all of their time together, and privacy was paramount. Or rather, non-existent, not when one of them was sometimes unintentionally invasive.  

It was getting colder the higher up the rocky slope they went, and Erik pulled the hood from his cloak over his ears, which were very sensitive to the changes in temperature. He put up his own barriers, not mental ones, but physical and emotional, and tried very hard not to register Sorano’s musical laughter, or how much it grated on his nerves.

~’*’~

It wasn’t intentional, he would swear on it, but Erik found himself watching Meredy far more closely after that day. He wasn’t particularly ashamed to admit that he was worried about her; the safety of his guild was always significant to him, even when they were one of the most powerful dark guilds in the country. He also did not know how far along her process she was, and he did not want her to get hurt over something so large, something so out of her control.

So he did the only thing he could so: he watched, and he listened, and he protected. At any sign that she might be in trouble, he was there by her side, supporting and defending. It was childish, as he knew that she was more than capable of taking him in a fight, never mind the half-witted criminals they were often pitted against. Even so, it was the principle, and if he could be there for her then he would be, although he felt very underprepared for this task. This was not an area that he was well versed in, or had ever given much thought to, and yet he wanted to try. One night they were sleeping a mile or so away from a village, and Macbeth – who was supposedly on guard that evening – had already fallen asleep (Erik was still amazed that Jellal had trusted him to do something as simple as staying awake; it wasn’t his known speciality, after all), and Erik found himself coming into that village and breaking into one of the new book stores there – old habits die hard, and it was the only way he would ever have access to this information. Being a known criminal limited the amount of time you could spend in public, and that often meant that daylight hours were spent hiding or travelling, not in book stores and libraries. Besides, Erik didn’t think he had a library card anyway, and he couldn’t afford any other member of his guild finding out what he was researching, as that would be unfair on Meredy.  

The information he found there shocked him, which it shouldn’t have, but he found himself staring at Meredy with new, curious eyes, noticing things that he had not given any thought to before. Such as the large cloak that she tied around her throat, and the way it hung around her body, drawing the attention not to the shape of her waist or the strength of her shoulders, but to the way it dragged down her back, catching on the floor and her curly pink hair.  

She was beautiful, that much was obvious, and no matter how much he read or learnt, he never saw her as any more or less than that; a beautiful woman, who brought light into their guild and laughter into his life. This, however, did not surprise him. He knew as soon as he heard this secret in Meredy’s mind that it would change nothing. He just never expected it to increase his protective nature over the younger girl, or make him more aware of her every waking second she hovered excitedly around him, or how much he enjoyed simply looking at her.  

Usually filled with the life of nature and the passion of the heavens, Meredy was often seen dancing, twirling, laughing, singing, making some kind of ruckus, drawing attention to herself in the most endearing way possible. But at night time, she stills. Her eyes glaze over as the fire light casts speckles of gold in her gaze, her lips part and mind drifts from thought to thought, nothing particularly substantial or solid, mostly just a misty recollection of what has happened in that day. It’s then that she looks the most beautiful to Erik; silent and thoughtful, she lacks the juvenile joy of life but makes up for it in a motionless charm that leaves Erik flushed and incoherent. He continues to watch her, hardly acknowledging that every member of his guild besides Jellal and Macbeth are focused on him. He’s still too focused on her.

It was then that she kisses him.

It was quick and shy and uncertain, not adjectives that Erik associated often with the young girl, but still the softness of her lips and the taste of peppermint on his tongue are things so indisputably Meredy that he finds himself floundering. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way, not about his guild mate; not about her. It was almost a surprise, how little the others reacted. There was a cat call from Sorano, a wolf-whistle from Sawyer. From Jellal, a glare. Richard smiled sweetly, and Macbeth snorted, only half awake at this late stage in the evening.  

Three days later and they still had not spoken about it. Erik heard a haziness from behind, his ears twitching as they tried to tune in to the thoughts that buzzed between his team mates. It was like static – frantic and loud and encompassing. Desperate and filled with anxiety, Erik turned around in a panic, ready to face a new enemy when suddenly he felt a hand slip into his. Startled out of his apprehension, Erik almost flinched away. But then he saw the hurt, wide eyes that Meredy was trying to shield, and the way her bottom lip was worried between her teeth, and he relaxed into the contact.  

This was Meredy. This was safe. Except it wasn’t, not really, because every time his skin touched hers it was a reminder of everything he wanted from the girl – and everything he could not have. Was not prepared to take or give, ask for and be asked. His emotions were juxtapositions of each other, reflecting and bouncing back into his persons, making him tingle with excitement and anxiety when Meredy met his eyes and grinned. He never let anyone in, he never let himself feel unsafe. Not since the tower, not since his parents. Whatever he had with Meredy was dangerous, and Erik felt himself toeing a fearful line that he had not known had existed. She made him feel again.  

He had no idea where to go from there. Despite having the ability to read minds, Erik often struggled to grasp what was happening within his own being, which is why it came as such a surprise to him when he realised that he was in love with her. It shouldn’t have, of course, as every member of the guild had realised. Except Meredy, who it seemed was just as dense and emotionally naïve as Erik himself.  

Even Jellal had a better grip on romance than they did, and Erik had heard the mocking snorts of rumour about a Fairy Tail wizard from Sorano, and the broken, longing whispers of her name in the depths of Jellal’s mind. He was the last person Erik expected to be having this conversation with.

“I’m assuming you know all about Meredy’s… medical history?” Jellal was prodding the dozing fire with a charred piece of branch, the fire reflecting back the intensity of his gaze. Erik starts, gulps, and nods slowly, arms folding defensively and body leaning away from the fire, away from Jellal.

“We… haven’t really talked about it.” Erik answers honestly. Jellal looks up in surprise.

“She hasn’t spoken to you yet?” He sounds unsure, as if this entire conversation is a landmine that will implode in both of their faces. But Meredy would be the only casualty, and that thought had Erik proceeding with caution as well.  

He shrugs because, what else is there left to say? By the solid arch of Jellal’s eyebrows, and the way his body leans back, head tipped towards the night sky and hands clasped together, Erik knows that any more words would just be an excess.  

Jellal sighs, breath sounding loud enough to ruffle the trees around them, and reaches behind him. There’s a book in his hand, the brown leather making it seem weighted with authority that Erik knew it had; he had read it at least twice, after all.

“When Meredy first told me about herself, she gave me this book to read.” He offered it to Erik, who thumbed the edge bashfully. “I hope it serves you well.”  

An animal moves in the bushes, and Erik sits up straighter, straining, waiting for another member of the guild to come and find them, disturb whatever this was between them. He was relieved when no familiar scents followed the sound, and allowed himself to cough softly, passing the book back to Jellal.

“I’ve already read this one.” He murmurs, mind so lost in his own thoughts and the sounds of the forest that he could no longer tell how loud he was being.  

A shift happens then, and Erik gets the sense that Jellal is looking at him and actually seeing him for the first time. His gaze is intense, searching, and whatever he needs to see he invariably finds in the soft redness of Erik’s ears, and the quick fire inhales and exhales of breath.  

In a movement far too quick for the serene peace of night, Jellal stands and wipes imaginary dirt from his clothes.  

“Okay, I guess it’s none of my business.” He states and drifts away, back into his tent; back into his thoughts. Erik feels them then, a slightly unnatural shade of green, like pin pricks all over his flesh. Jellal was confused, concerned, and only barely concealing his thoughts. Erik felt nauseous along with his guild master.  

He doesn’t sleep that night.

~’*’~

Erik hardly notices the seasons change, when the bite on his earlobe became the sun’s soft kiss, and then reverts back to a chill that had him tugging the hood back over his ears. How was he supposed to notice the difference between brisk winds and a summer breeze when Meredy was always so warm, so ready to share her light? Erik basked in it.  

He thought little of his conversation with Jellal, assuming the only reason Meredy had failed to bring up such a personal topic was because she knew that he knew already; she must know, giving his particular type of magic, and how comfortable they were being in proximity with one another. Jellal never mentions anything again, and neither does Erik.  

Time passes still, and Erik is… content. Happy, even; two things he did not think he ever would be again. Did not deserve to be, not after the atrocities he committed under the heady influence of power.  

He should have known that it would not last.

“Erik… can we talk? Privately. Away from the others.”  

Meredy’s voice was quiet, and she never made an attempt to meet his concerned gaze. This was it, the moment he should have expected but dared not consider; the end. It made more sense to him than Meredy wanting to be with him in the first place, but still he wanted to cling to her, to the hope that they could build a future together. For the first time in his life, Erik wanted a future with someone.  

And she didn’t feel the same way.

He nods, stands, and stalks away after her. Not noting an arsenal of fallen branches, Erik stumbles. Meredy reaches out to catch him, but then flinches away. He tries not to show the hurt on his face. He knows that he does not manage it.

Instead, Erik listens. He focuses on the thoughts inside Meredy’s mind, trying to hear what she is thinking so that he can respond appropriately. He will not make this harder for her; she already seemed broken, with ruddy cheeks contrasting the chalky pallor of her complexion, and eyes wide, damp, and darkened underneath to a bruising shade of purple. Her thoughts were like shards of glass; shrapnel of ideas, words, and concepts, but completely transparent. Erik could only see through them, see Meredy and the way her fingers knot in her un-brushed hair. He could not grasp them directly, only observe brief, fleeting points.

“I’m so sorry.” Meredy starts, but begins to sob so loudly and earnestly that, for a moment, Erik forgets the situation and embraces her. She falls into him, bends around him, crumbles her head into the nape of his neck and her arms around his waist. Meredy only allows herself the contact for a second before she pulls away, furiously scrubbing her eyes. The wind feels harsher without her warmth pressing into him. Erik folds his arms around his chest, waiting for Meredy to continue. He sees no point in comforting her further; her demeanour has hardened, and her tears have tried. Erik swallows loudly.

“This,’ Meredy gestures between the two of them, vaguely enough to not detail what specific aspect of their relationship that she is referring to, but it’s still enough for Erik to understand, ‘isn’t fair. I can’t keep on doing this to you. Or me.”  

She takes a long shaky breath, lip shivering so hard Erik worries that her whole body will crumble under the force of it, and he won’t be able to hold her together anymore. Even with the nostalgic pain and fresh disappointment, Erik finds himself nodding along to whatever Meredy is suggesting, ready for a fall so hard he won’t be able to brace himself.

“I don’t think that I’m lying, because I’m a girl, and you’ve always known me as one, but that doesn’t change the fact that there’s still so much you don’t know and I know I should have told you before now because you deserve to know, should have known way before I kissed you, but I’ve been so selfish and – fuck I don’t know how to do anything other than take and take and take. I’m sorry, Erik. You deserve so much better.”

A branch crunches nearby, the wing ruffles the trees into a state of confusion, and Erik’s sense of logical thought escapes him. Meredy never swore – Erik wasn’t even sure she knew how – and to hear such a strong word tumble desperately from her pouting, chapped lips was enough to make Erik lose all sense of normality.  

He only caught the end of what Meredy continued to say.

“-and like I said, I am a girl, but I used to be seen as a boy and you really should have been told before now and I’m so sorry-”

“Wait… that’s what this is about?” Erik gapes at Meredy, who stares back with just a disorientated, unsure manner that Erik can’t help but laugh.

Meredy’s brow furrows. “I don’t understand what’s funny here.” She says.  

He grins in relief. “I thought you were breaking up with me, but the truth is… I’ve known about your gender identity since before we got together.”  

A silence passes again, and Erik is perturbed when it feels just as thick as it did before. He’s still smiling when Meredy’s hand connects with his cheek.  

“You idiot!” Meredy starts beating on his chest, a soft pink hue emanating from her as her magic starts to overflow. He grabs her wrists to still her, but she struggles against him until he begins to speak.

“I thought you would talk about it when you were ready, but I assumed that it would be obvious that I knew, and didn’t want to pressure you; it never mattered to me, anyway.”  

Meredy glares up at him, her cheeks puffed out, lips swollen. “Why would it be obvious that you knew? Because it’s obvious that on my birth certificate, it doesn’t say female?”

He releases her wrists and smooths back her hair. She doesn’t flinch away this time, but her expression is still hard.

“No, sweetheart. My magic sometimes puts me inside people’s heads, and I learn things that I know I shouldn’t have learnt. You know I can’t always control that, Meredy.”  

It only takes a few moments for Meredy to register this, and then she falls into him, limbs flailing wildly as she grips and pulls and clings in anyway that she can. Erik reciprocates, holding her tight enough to feel the way her shoulders slump and rise as she cries.  

“So you don’t hate me then?” She sniffs.

Erik cups her face softly, his one good eye marvelling at how beautiful she is.

“I love you, Meredy.”  

When their lips touch, her mouth is bitter with tears but sweet with the strawberry lip balm that she always uses. He relishes in it, in how unbelievably Meredy it is and how much he craves it. She pulls away after a moment and rests their foreheads together. Erik’s mind wanders, and he registers Jellal’s presence. Without hesitation, Erik reaches out to him, not in words, but in golden, shimmering light. Jellal must understand, because Erik hears the branches snap under his footing as he heads back to camp.

Inside Meredy’s mind, everything is white, like freshly cleaned linen, or the first flecks of snow. It’s pure, it’s cleansed, and it’s stunning. Erik’s only wish is that Meredy could stay like that for the rest of her life, with few worries and more dreams than Erik could ever listen to.  

She takes him hand, as bashful as the first time she did it, and guides him back to her tent, as she did most nights to sleep. Not for the first time, or the last, Erik is overwhelmed with love for the incredibly brave and utterly breath-taking woman that he gets to spend the rest of his days with. He squeezes her palm, she smiles sweetly at him, and he falls in love again.