#also ofc he's ten so often he's just emotional and impulsive because...he's ten

[silverwhittlingknife]

Dick's struggle with anger (with bonus Tim and Jason)

Dick: But as the truth sank in, I felt a rage growing so great inside me that it felt like I was just a part of the anger, instead of it being part of me. - Secret Origins 13 (kudos to this post)

I love this quote because it's so characteristic: introspective, self-aware, and struggling with being overwhelmed by anger? Dick Grayson all over.

Dick's struggle with anger - and more broadly, his struggle with the strength of his own emotions - is a huge part of his character in the post-Crisis era, especially the early 90s. AFAIK this trait mostly disappeared in the new 52, and I miss it!

So this is a meandering post to spotlight 1) some of post-Crisis Dick's analyses of his own anger, and 2) why I feel like his struggle with his temper was sympathetic and compelling and added depth to his character.

Below the cut, panels from New Titans, Nightwing, BftC, and Batman and Robin and the things that I like about them (with bonus thoughts on how Dick's attitude toward anger compares to Tim's and Jason's):

Dick's anger in New Titans & Nightwing

Okay, so first, I think it's important to remember whenever you're talking about with a character with a temper - Dick doesn't randomly get angry. There's always a reason.

For Dick, anger is part of a powerful emotional response, not a state of being. He lashes out when his loved ones are in danger, or when his feelings are hurt, or when he's feeling guilty and pushing people away, etc. He doesn't just, I dunno, sit around in front of the TV being angry.

Dick's conflicted relationship with his own anger is developed most extensively in New Titans. Here's Dick losing his temper when the Wildebeest Society threatens the lives of the other Titans, paired with his retrospective narration analyzing the moment:

Dick: "You lousy sons - of - bi - I'LL KILL YOU!" I snapped. I tried to be calm, I tried to stay focused - but I couldn't. All I wanted was to rip off his stinking helmet and his head with it. (New Titans 75)

When Dick's mad at himself, he often contrasts himself to Batman. For Dick, Bruce is the calm, dispassionate one, while Dick's driven by strong emotion:

Dick: I...I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I know this isn't your fault. Here I'm attacking you - and you're probably just as scared as I am. I just feel so frustrated. Batman could always remain calm in a crisis. I guess that's just another difference between us. Maybe I'd be better off if I just cut myself off from all feeling like he does. (New Titans 77)

Dick contrasts himself with Batman again here:

Dick: I - I - ahh, dammit. How the hell do people like you and Bruce keep it bottled up inside you? Don't you ever have to cut loose? To let go? If I didn't...I think I'd explode. (New Titans 86)

Dick's "I can't bottle things up the way Bruce does" self-image isn't just in New Titans. It also carries over to his first starring role - in Prodigal as Batman to Tim's Robin.

Here, Dick's struggling not with anger but with agonizing self-blame and guilt - he and Tim have this exchange when he's blaming himself for Two-Face's murders and Tim's trying to reassure him:

Dick: Nearly a dozen dead already and it's just starting. What if I can't stay a step ahead of Dent? How many more are going to die because of me? Tim: You can't think of it like that. Dick: What other way is there to look at it? Two-Face makes the rules. If you don't understand what they are and you make a wrong guess then someone dies. No second chances. No time-outs. Tim: But if you put that kind of pressure on yourself you'll choke. We have to distance ourselves. Dick: The cold light of reason, huh? Distance. Maybe that's what made the real Batman what he is. I never got the hang of that.

Here's a similar, later conversation with Tim when Dick's mad at himself for losing control and trying to beat the Joker to death in Last Laugh. As in Prodigal, Tim's trying to reassure him:

Dick: I thought I was more in control than that. But I lost it. Tim: It was made right, Dick. The Joker is alive and not well in a maximum security cell. Dick: It's not right with me. I never thought I could be a killer. I'm wrong. There's a part of me I never saw before. The rage. I never felt anger like that. I feel like it clawed me up inside. Tim: It's a mistake to pull away like this. You should be with your family this time of year. (Post-Last Laugh: Nightwing 64)

I think it's worth remembering that the reason why this keeps coming up for Dick is because he values control. A character like, say, Lobo doesn't spend his time second-guessing his own anger or comparing himself to more reserved characters - Lobo just gleefully punches things!

By contrast, Dick's big dilemma is that he feels things really intensely - anger, love, guilt - but he thinks it's important to stay detached and controlled ... even though he usually feels like he can't do it or like he's failing at it.

Dick & Tim & anger (Prodigal, Nightwing)

One thing you'll notice about Dick and Tim's conversations above is that they have similar assumptions about "good" behavior: like Dick, Tim values control and distance.

Another similarity is their tendency toward introspection: Tim, too, lives in his head a lot and spends a ton of time analyzing his own behavior. Tim's self-castigating narration is less likely to be about anger - it's more often about his own distance from other people / holding back / keeping secrets / being too much like Bruce - but the inner-monologue-self-analysis is the same.

It's a subtle difference because they're pretty similar, but I also think Tim's a bit more likely to be analyzing himself even as he's doing whatever the problematic thing is, while Dick's more likely to analyze himself after the fact. Tim will sometimes do this sort of split-screen analysis where he's getting emotional but also overthinking his emotions and still obsessing about observing other people at the same time, like here:

Tim: Maybe this will do the trick. Some adrenaline to wash this sick feeling away. Dick’s watching me. Gauging my reactions. He’s not as judgmental as Bruce would be. But he’s keeping an eye on me.

The above is from Prodigal: Tim's frustrated because he had to give in to bullies to preserve his secret identity, Dick wonders if he’s hoping to work out his anger on patrol and Tim admits “I guess I am,” and then Tim spends patrol… kinda trying to work out his frustrations, but also simultaneously watching himself react and analyzing Dick watching him react.

OTOH, Dick's a bit more likely to get swept up in overpowering emotion, and then later calm down and start unsparingly analyzing his own behavior.

So for example, here's Dick upset with Bruce, losing his temper, impulsively punching something...and then immediately afterward cooling down, analyzing the rage and castigating himself for it:

Bruce is playing martyr. Keeping us at a distance. [...] Why does it have to be this way with us? WHY? Uncontrollable rage. The same rage I felt when I killed the Joker. Thought I had it under control. (Bruce Wayne: Murderer? : Nightwing 65)

(Dick and Tim also sometimes get uncomplicatedly mad when their friends are annoying them or when Bruce is being difficult, but this post is probably long enough. Anyway, though there are exceptions, in general, they're both people who prioritize control.)

Dick & Jason & anger (BftC, B&R)

By contrast, you won't see post-Crisis Jason having critical inner monologues about his own anger because Jason doesn't see righteous anger as bad. In UtRH, he thinks that Bruce can't have really cared about him because he didn't go after the Joker (tragically, unbeknownst to Jason, Bruce did lash out a lot after Jason's death - but Jason doesn't know this). For Jason, giving in to your emotions is a good thing.

This is IMO a factor in Jason's fights with Dick as well as with Bruce - Jason's constantly taunting Dick, trying to get him to lose control (and show what Jason sees as his more admirable/genuine angry side), while Dick's trying to stay controlled.

For example, here's Dick's inner monologue in their Battle for the Cowl fight:

Dick: Nothing Jason says can be taken for truth. He says Tim is dead. I'll need more proof than his word and an empty cowl. Because right now, I need to keep that hope alive. If for nothing else, then to keep me from losing control...and I won't let that happen. Can't let that happen. Can't.

And here's Jason's take on Dick from Batman and Robin 25:

Jason: Dick is different from Bruce. In the way he fights. In the way he thinks. And the way he feels. And he gets angry. Really angry. That anger, it'd make him a great Batman, if he'd let it. But he won't. He's trying too much to be like him. The good son. Man, I hate him.

I have some complaints about this arc, but I really love this voiceover because of the cool multiple-perspectives aspect. Here, Jason's describing Dick-and-his-anger (and Dick's attempts to be more controlled, like Bruce) in terms similar to how Dick thinks of himself. But where Dick sees his anger as a flaw to overcome, Jason sees it as a good quality that he resents Dick for repressing.

Something else I like: because Jason values righteous anger and thinks Dick should too, he assumes that Dick's only repressing his anger out of an attempt to impress Bruce - to be "the good son" - not realizing that Dick might value control on his own behalf. After all, Robin!Jason and Bruce argued about control, and Jason resented Bruce's restraint as being callous and uncaring in the face of injustice. So Jason's (understandably!) projecting his own relationship with Bruce onto Dick's relationship with Bruce.

But contra Jason's assumptions, even though Dick sometimes waxes in admiration of Bruce's calm... in practice, Dick's more likely to be the one insisting Bruce control himself, not the other way round. In Lonely Place of Dying (and the comics immediately prior to it), for example, the whole point of Dick and Tim's intervention is that Bruce is too emotional and needs to get himself under control.

So Jason isn't reading Dick quite correctly, but his analysis makes sense given his own experience and values.

Final thoughts on Dick

Let's pause to admire the consistency of Dick's characterization here, because the panels I've grabbed span two decades of post-Crisis comics!

1991-92: New Titans 75-86 1994-95: Prodigal 2001-02: Last Laugh (Nightwing 64) 2009: Battle for the Cowl 2011: Batman and Robin 25

A final note - for me, Dick's attitude toward his anger is as important a part of his characterization as the anger itself. It's true that you can find plenty of panels, especially in the early 90s days, where Dick's just unselfconsciously snappish - he's only human, and when he's under stress, sometimes he gets grumpy.

But there are also lots of panels like these ones where you can see that Dick's self-aware and actively fighting his anger - even when he's got every reason to be angry. And that struggle is all wrapped up in Dick's uneasy relationship with his own emotions. Dick cares a lot about control, which is why he's so hyperaware of the times when he loses it.

Look, I just think he's neat <3

[casualmaraudering]

And no I didn’t mind the wolfstar either as wolfstar was my very first ship and is still my fav ship ever (they are my precious babies and I will fight anybody and everybody who doubts my love for them). Like if you have more wolfstar headcannons I am all ears. I will probs just lay in bed and cry over how cute they are 🌻

heyo anon! sorry for taking so long to get to you, I appreciate the kind words!!

this time i am offering you some wolfstar headcanons (plus trans rem ofc) but modern hogwarts au, hope you'll like them! also just beware there's mentions of sex in this one!

Remus actually came out around the middle of 5th year. so only starting then he started sleeping in the boys' dorm (they've had sleepovers with him and Lily before yeah but this time he'd actually live with them) and he's quite unsure about his sexuality - he knows he's into girls but he's not sure about boys. a sight of Sirius in the morning, half of his clothes off, getting dressed and with his hair all messed up from sleep, was quite enough for Remus to realize he does, indeed, like boys

Sirius starts crushing on Remus when they come back from the summer hols for their 6th year. Remus grew a bit taller, he tanned very nicely, he has an undercut (his feelings might be wholy based on that alone) and new glasses and a very big baggy sweater and seeing him in the platform did Things to Sirius

upon realisation, Sirius, of course, has a bit of a gay breakdown, because hello this is one of his best friends and also there's no way Remus would like him back (ha) yada yada

Sirius becomes the clumsy one in the dorm. If Remus isn't in the room, he's fine, but as soon as he steps in it's like someone pressed a button labeled "incompetence" inside of Sirius's brain. He trips, he drops things, he fumbles with words. just a gay mess, that one

they kiss for the first time shortly before the Yule break. Sirius is waiting for Remus and very nervously fumbling with the ribbon on the present he's gonna give him (a charmed binder plus a few sweaters. and an entire freaking bag of his favourite salty caramel chocolates. Sirius wanted Remus to know he cares). when Remus finally gets to the dorm and is opening the gift Sirius is dying of nerves cause he also put in a letter that he hoped Remus would read over the hols. but Remus starts reading it now and Sirius just fixates on staring at the floor and waits for the rejection incoming. but it doesn't. Instead, Remus very quietly says he likes him too. there's an awkward couple minute period of being shocked and a little awkward and them not knowing what they're doing, but then Sirius asks to kiss him

they leave for Yule on the next day. it's a little awkward (they're teenagers hello), but they hold hands a little bit when they're in the train. they're both blushing like crazy and refusing to acknowledge it

Sirius makes the impulse decision to kiss Remus right after they've said their goodbyes and were just about to turn around and leave. He then smiles awkwardly, takes a step back and kind of just turns around and flees cause, while it's amazing, this is also very awkward and a little embarrassing.

that was a mistake though, because both the Potters and the Lupins saw that. Sirius joins his brothers and their parents and is promptly hugged like crazy by Mrs Potter who says she's so happy and that he's so grown up now and that he has to invite his boyfriend over for dinner sometime and also tell her everything there is to tell. Sirius would be more embarrassed if he wasn't so emotional about her being so happy for him and caring about his relationship in such a good way

Mrs Lupin, when hugging Remus hello, asks him who's that "handsome young man with the leather jacket" was and Remus can already tell his mother is going to question him about everything the second they get home. It's not a bad thing, though - him and his mum are best friends, and it's actually comforting to come sit with her next to the fireplace and ask for advice

the Yule break is a few weeks long. Sirius cannot stop thinking about their kisses. they've kissed only twice but Sirius can't think about anything else. he drafts a letter the first night - it's very painfully awkward (he does wonder if them being boyfriends means now they're stuck acting awkward til they die). but then he can't sleep and keeps thinking about those two far too short kisses and he throws the old letter away and writes down a storm about everything he's thinking. he sends it off to Remus before he can regret it (and he does. immediately after he closes the window and sees the owl disappear)

Remus rereads it about ten thousand times. And then he digs up an old jewellery box that he doesn't use cause he gave all his old earrings to Lily, and he names it to be his little treasure chest, and a new home to Sirius's letter. He struggles with the response a bit, but then he just thinks about how nice it would be to be held by Sirius and trusts his gut to write all that he's feeling.

and so the awkwardness seems to fade and they exchange letters every day. Sirius promises to buy a smartphone so they can call or facetime (which is impossible cause the Potters don't have Internet but shh no one tell him)

Sirius invites Remus over for New Year's and it's really like there's no more being awkward anymore. Mrs Potter is very strict about the door to Sirius's bedroom being wide open at all times, but that really doesn't stop them from making out all damn day. they miss the countdown and all

After they come back to Hogwarts their honeymoon period officially starts. they're glued together, and more often than not they'll be making out in a broom closet or some abandoned corridor

James thinks this is kind of gross (in an endearing way, he loves them). he takes it back once they actually start having sex - walking in on them kissing was not nearly as damaging as seeing them do more. James gives a wholeass rant about how to charm the curtains so he won't be able to yank them open and see something that will scar him for life

Sirius's greatest discovery is that Remus has dimples at the bottom of his back. he has many favourite parts of Remus but this one is amongst the top ones

After a full moon once, Sirius comes in to keep Remus company in the hospital wing. He is promptly taken aside by Madame Pomfrey who asks him if he knows about proper protection charms, which is apparently something she does to all couples that are of appropriate age. still, Sirius's face has never been quite this red (and yes, he knows them. there was no escaping from Mr and Mrs Potter's sex talk. Sirius couldn't look them in the eye for a week).

Sirius might be only 17 but he's already daydreaming about their wedding. he's weird like that

he's got two kind of hexes up his sleeves. One is for people being generally annoying, insulting his friends, etc. the other is people who purposefully misgender Remus. they're never too cruel, of course (just because he doesn't fancy getting thrown out of school) but they're very carefully picked and adjusted to assure maximum discomfort

Sirius's favourite way to see Remus is when, during hogsmeade visits, they'll swing by a bookshop. Remus will light up and he'll be jumping from book to book, and he looks so dorky and cute when he points at various things and quotes. the first time Sirius thinks he's in love with him is during one of those times

Remus's favourite time in hogsmeade, on the other hand, is when they're in the three broomsticks. it's not his forte at all - it's loud and crowded and there's too many people for his liking. But Sirius is absolutely in his element there. he thrives with people so he'll laugh along his friends and people at the bar, buy whatever his friends want because he takes joy in giving people things. he's the non drinker of the group but even without the aspect of alcohol Sirius loves the people aspect of the pub. There's nothing like seeing him light up in a room full of people to talk to

Remus spends a long time during the summer between 6th and 7th year teaching basically the whole Potter family (+ the Black brothers ofc) how to use a smartphone and hooking up their Internet. it's a process.

Sirius becomes obsessed with Remus sending photos to him. he loves that it's so easy and they can talk whenever they'd like and Sirius can save all those photos and look at them when he misses Rem. (not to mention the sexy aspect of this but let's leave that for another day)

Sirius is also equally obsessed with Spotify. he can listen to whatever he wants. whatever. it's the best thing in the world

Sirius makes playlists for Remus. multiple of them

[homeforchristmas-au]

Character bios/descriptions

Here’s some descriptions of the sides in this au cos i wanna talk about them like all day lol

Patton Sanders (formerly Shepard):

Age: 29

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’6”

Straight chestnut brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, hint of a tan but nothing too extreme, rectangular glasses with black frames, usually wears clothes that are comfortable (especially oversized jumpers), loves wearing beanies (often steals Logan’s, who hesitantly allows it) (mostly cos he’s really freaking cute in them)

Really good with kids (ofc) and is such a people person, but can get shy around older people (specifically men old enough to be his dad)

Very good at reading emotions and knowing what people need, whether it’s a hug or alone time

Has asthma, but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be

Is an only child to a mother and father, but ended up running away cos his dad became really overly aggressive

His uncle on his mothers side is Emile, who is married to Thomas, and they both took Patton in once it became clear that emiles sister and her husband were unfit parents (although Patton’s mom was much better with Patton and actually helped him run away) which was when he had his last name changed to Sanders

He met Logan when he ran away and they both went to emile and Thomas’s house together (I actually wrote the story of how they met for 25 Days of Ficmas on my main blog uwu)

They started out as friends for a long time until Patton found himself falling for Logan, who revealed that he had been crushing on Patton for quite some time

Their relationship started out rocky as neither of them knew exactly how to date (theyd dated other people before, they were just remarkably bad at it) but they made it through in the end

Logan Sanders (formerly Adams):

Age: 28

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’11”

Curly, light brown hair, amber eyes, moderately fair skinned, a lot of freckles on his face and arms, round glasses with silver frames, dresses much differently depending on if he’s home or in public - at home he’ll wear T-shirts and casual lounge pants and beanies and stuff, but in public typically sticks with a polo shirt and jeans, sometimes with a necktie depending on the setting

Has a tendency to put up a cold exterior around strangers or when in a public setting, but around loved ones he’s much more relaxed and casual, but still usually struggles to express his feelings.

He’s an amazing father, although sometimes he doubts this despite how much his kids absolutely adore him (he also has a tendency to doubt his own intelligence, even though he’s incredibly smart)

Is autistic, on the high functioning end of the spectrum, and has worked with professionals for basically his whole life to work on reading social cues and such, which he’s much better at now

Has three younger sisters - from oldest to youngest, Ellen, Renae, and Ashley. Logan being the oldest sibling, he’s always felt quite protective of his sisters. Can and will physically fight the whole planet for them

Their father died when Logan was 16. He was completely distraught over this and ran away from home. It was the most reckless, impulsive thing he’d ever done, but he doesn’t regret it for a single second, because that was how he met the love of his life

He did end up going back home to his family, because he knew they needed him

Virgil Sanders:

Age: 4 (birthday December 19)

Pronouns: he/him

Height: idk however tall four year olds are

Floppy black hair, gunmetal blue eyes, about as pale as a vampire, always wearing something purple (most notably the light purple polo shirt Logan couldn’t resist getting him, as well as his dark purple jumper that’s a size too big)

He’s fairly shy, though Patton and Logan tend to avoid calling him as such (they typically say introverted), but once he warms up to new people he’s a delight (it took him quite some time to fully trust Janus, but even from day one it was clear they connected on some level). He adores insects and arachnids, and much to Patton’s dismay, his favourite is spiders. He wants to be an entomologist when he grows up, but he can never remember the word for it, so he says “bug scientist”

Is suspected to be autistic but has yet to be tested for it

He was adopted by Patton and Logan when he was an infant. His mother was sixteen years old and had to give the baby up, due to her parents insistence, plus she knew she was unfit anyway, and it didn’t help that the father completely abandoned her. Patton and Logan matched with her in the adoption process when she was three months pregnant and it was quite the journey from start to finish

Roman & Remus Sanders:

Age: 8 (birthday June 14)

Pronouns: both he/him

Height: uh average

Both fairly tanned having spent over half their childhood in the sunlight, Roman has short dark mahogany brown hair and forest green eyes, Remus has longer, curly dark mahogany brown hair with jade green eyes, they both have dark freckles, Roman’s mostly on his cheeks while Remus’s are basically all over his body, and Remus has a gap in his extremely crooked teeth as well as green braces. Roman has all manner of Disney apparel, but he especially loves wearing his white Mickey Mouse shirt with the long red sleeves, and he’s also unafraid to wear traditionally “feminine” clothes like dresses and skirts. Remus... prefers not wearing clothes at all honestly but Logan and Patton insist on it, so he tries to wear as few clothes as possible, usually his neon green tank top and dark brown cargo shorts

They’re very different from each other but they do have similarities and can work well together. They pretty much never admit it but they do love each other despite their differences and near constant bickering.

They’re both dramatic, but in somewhat different ways. Roman is dramatic in that way that’s like “I’m literally tinkerbell because you have to give me attention or I’ll die”, while Remus is more like “this little tiny thing inconvenienced me so I’m gonna overreact and formulate murder plans against whoever/whatever dare make my life unbearably difficult”. They’re also both very creative, but of course they have different views on creativity (I doubt I need to get into specifics). They also both love Disney, but roman is more into classic Disney while Remus prefers Pixar

They both seem to exhibit traits of ADHD but haven’t been tested for it yet

They were around three years old when their mom and dad both died in a car accident. It was two years after that that Patton and Logan decided to adopt them both, despite only planning on adopting one child. Virgil was a year old at this time, and they wanted an older kid, and they ended up with two. And really that was fine by them, they just knew that this was it; no more kids, at least for a little while

Janus REDACTED

Age: 15 (birthday February 3)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 5’7”

Medium length light golden brown hair, two different coloured eyes (right - cognac, left - chartreuse), fair skinned with a red birthmark taking up most of the left side of his face, missing right leg where he had to get an above-the-knee amputation, which causes him to need forearm crutches, he usually wears clothes that cover as much of his body as possible, and he oftentimes - if not constantly - wears foundation and concealer to hide his birthmark, although Patton and Logan insist it’s not necessary

He tends to avoid people when possible, since he’s developed quite the trust issues over the years. Going from foster home to foster home has made it difficult to allow himself to get close with anyone. In spite of this, he always seems to find himself bonding with the kids in his foster families. Especially the Sanders family when they first took him in (their original plan was to simply foster him... that plan fell through as they very quickly decided they wanted him to be part of their family)

Overall they’re a sarcastic cynic with a knack for storytelling, and while they seem cold and reserved on the outside, completely uncaring about the world around them, really deep down they just want to feel loved by someone, they want to feel accepted and like they’re really part of a family, like they’re actually wanted

They developed a bit of trauma from their birth family situation but a lot of it has been worked out, although they still have issues to work through even after all this time

They were ten when their dad got blackout drunk, forced them and their mom into the car, and started driving. Janus still has no idea where he was trying to go, but they never made it. They got into a monumental car accident, and Janus was lucky they made it out alive, although it costed them their leg. Their mother died unfortunately and their father was on life support last they heard. They never found out if he woke up or if he was taken off of it, so they have no idea if their dad is dead or alive. They tell themself they don’t care, they don’t wanna know either way, but they do. They feel like they shouldn’t, since their dad hurt them and got their mom killed, but they did have fond memories of their dad, which made the entire situation that much worse

So yeah on the happiest of notes there’s the main fam-ILY!!! :,)

I might continue this post with descriptions of the entire extended family, who knows!!!! :D (let me know if I missed anything in the tags btw, although I reached the limit so oof if I did)

[obsessedwithbbandsuju]

Kwon Jiyong/Son Taeyeon Information

This is a collection of all the information of my OFC Son Taeyeon’s timeline and relationship with G-Dragon. It’s still under construction and will probably be for a long time, but I just wanted to get it out there. 

Disclaimer: This is nothing more than a form of fun self-indulgence. Whoever GD is with or will be with, I cheer their relationship on always and hope he can find happiness with someone. He really does deserve it.

Note: All of the ages in this timeline are in South-Korean reckoning, which generally means the people are one year older than they would be in western reckoning

Last Updated: 6/14/20

Summary

Jiyong and Taeyeon meet in Seoul, South Korea, when Jiyong is ten and Taeyeon is five, due to the fact that their fathers were close in high school and college

Their fathers spent a lot of time together catching up, so Taeyeon and Jiyong became fairly close too — as close as a five-year-old and ten-year-old can get

Shortly after the birth of Taeyeon’s younger brother, Son Taeyong, Taeyeon’s mother dies; Taeyeon and her father and brother move away to the United States, and Taeyeon and Jiyong lose contact

In 2004, when Taeyeon is twelve and Jiyong seventeen, Taeyeon is accepted into YG Entertainment and they meet again

At first, they’re both awkward, but it doesn’t take long for them to become close again, helped by the fact that they both love songwriting and composing

The two of them are friends from then on, becoming increasingly closer

They occasionally go on variety shows together, and many people comment and note that they seem very close

Taeyeon features in the 2009 MV of a side track in Jiyong’s first solo Heartbreaker album, called She’s Gone, as the subject of GD’s character’s obsession

In 2010, Taeyeon features in the MV of a side track on GD & TOP’s first subunit album GD & TOP, again as the subject of Jiyong’s character’s obsession

In 2011, they both realize they’re developing romantic feelings for the other

Taeyeon and Jiyong spend a few months wondering if their feelings for each other are mutual

Both of them are perceptive people and catch the other’s subtle change in attitude toward themselves

Eventually, later in the same year (2011), Jiyong confesses to Taeyeon and she accepts; they begin dating 

The dating is discreet, however, as they’re both afraid of being caught by the media; it could be detrimental to their careers which have been extremely successful insofar, and both of them value their privacy

In the meantime, Taeyeon and Jiyong appeared on a few variety shows together, causing comments here and there about their chemistry

In 2012, YG debuts a unit group composed of the two of them, called Arcana

After their debut as a subunit, dating rumors about the two of them explode and are only exacerbated by their constant companionship while promoting the unit as well as the intimate choreography and lyrics of their first song

Nothing is confirmed, however, and Jiyong and Taeyeon continue their relationship privately, without revealing anything to the public

In late 2012, however, their relationship begins to take a turn; both of them are beginning to develop depression as a result of the constant stresses placed on them as the leaders of their extremely successful groups and the burden of managing their own careers, all since a very young age

Feeding the depression, both Jiyong and Taeyeon begin to feel distant and different from other people because of the extreme responsibilities and the sheer amount of expectations that the public and the people around them have placed on their shoulders since they were young

Because of these issues and their uncertainty and practical inability to handle them, they begin to close off and distance themselves from each other because they’re afraid of the other person seeing what they’re going through

Unfortunately, at the same time, both of them pretend that nothing is wrong; even when they appeared on variety shows together occasionally, they ignored and hid the tension between them

Eventually, in 2013, Taeyeon and Jiyong discuss the waning state of their relationship and decide to break up cleanly; it’s not a messy breakup, but a very bitter one

At first, they’re awkward all over again with each other, but eventually, they manage to come to a consensus and regain their friendship

They continue for a long time as friends, becoming even closer and more comfortable with each other over the years than they were before they dated 

As they bond, they see a lot of themselves in each other, and eventually find themselves considering the other to be the person who understands them the best, resulting in the only partially joking nickname that they call each other by: “my soulmate”

As a result of understanding each other more, Jiyong and Taeyeon come to realize that they never really fell out of love with the other, and the reason for their split when they were younger was more because they were too insecure and unstable to feel confident in maintaining a relationship with each other

Both of them deeply regret not trying harder to stay together, knowing that the other person made them happy and maybe, if they had just pushed through, things would have been alright

Despite the realization and the regret, neither Jiyong nor Taeyeon make any moves, not sure if the other feels the same way — although they’re still perceptive, even moreso, and they suspect that the feelings are mutual

In mid-2017, the two of them have a huge fight about their past relationship and barely speak to each other afterwards

For about a month, they avoid each other, but then Taeyeon suggests they meet up and they make up, albeit still feeling shaky with each other because of the magnitude of their fight

Both of them can feel more distance re-opening between them

On February 27th, 2018, Jiyong enlists in the military

During his absence, the two of them find themselves acutely missing each other and the place they had in each other’s hearts; both of them describe it as a feeling of having a hole inside them

This feeling of emptiness confirms to both of them what they’ve been almost certain of since they became close again after their breakup: they see the other as the one person in the world who understands them exactly

After Jiyong was discharged from the military, the two of them reunite, apologize again, and make up with each other properly

For a long time, neither says anything about their feelings for each other, despite knowing that they still love the other person and suspecting that the other person feels the same

They can’t bring themselves to express their feelings honestly because they’re afraid that they’ve come too far and would only hurt each other again if they tried to move past being friends in their current states (their depression and the alienation they both feel from other people thanks to shouldering so many expectations and so much responsibility at such a young age)

Eventually, though, they slip up and it ends with both of them admitting to each other that their split many years ago was because they were at such low points in their life that they didn’t feel like they could give the other person the proper relationship and love that they deserved

However, they still refrain from becoming romantic again, still caught up in the fear that getting back together would only hurt for everyone involved and might end messily, cutting them off for good

For years after that, they continue as they always were until Jiyong decides that he’s had enough

He tells Taeyeon upfront that he intends to start putting effort into rekindling a romantic relationship between them

At first, Taeyeon rejects his efforts, still afraid that they’d hurt each other more if they tried for something beyond friendship

Jiyong is consistent and stable in his efforts, coaxing her and reassuring her; with time, Taeyeon realizes that she wants something more with him, too

She finally accepts, and they enter a romantic relationship once again — one that’s much more stable and natural than what they had years ago

They reveal steadily to the public that they’re dating, similarly to Taeyang and Min Hyorin; naturally, the relationship is met with hate from some, but many people, especially their fans, support it after seeing Taeyeon and Jiyong so frequently together for so long and knowing how close they are

Both of them come to see how comfortable and happy they are with each other, and how their long friendship serves as a solid foundation for their romantic relationship because of how completely they know and understand each other

They have their ups and downs like any normal couple, but their maturity, experiences, and emotional intimacy even before starting to date again prevent them from growing apart like they did when they were younger

After years of dating, both of them start seriously considering proposing to each other; not quite as immediate marriage, but as a promise for the future

Eventually, Jiyong makes the first move and asks Taeyeon to marry him

It’s a simple proposal — they’re laying in bed together in Jiyong’s apartment, both of them exhausted after a day full of schedules, and Jiyong asks on impulse if she would spend the rest of her life with him 

Taeyeon accepts without hesitation, and they become engaged

For four years, they stay comfortably engaged, not in a rush to get married and willing to wait until they both feel ready 

After those four years, they mutually agree that they’re prepared to get married

They get married in a wedding venue a month later; it’s a small and private affair, since both of them agree that they prefer the intimacy, and they also want to avoid all the reporters and the media

Both of them keep their separate apartments even after they’re married since they live just one floor apart, but often spend time together at either one, depending on their mood

Songs from Taeyeon to Jiyong

A list of songs that Taeyeon wrote, composed, and produced with inspiration from her relationship with Jiyong

Heroine: Written a few months after Taeyeon and Jiyong broke up the first time, with Taeyeon expressing that no matter what hurts Jiyong caused her, both she and he need to go on

Stay: Written a few months after Taeyeon and Jiyong broke up the first time, expressing how, as they began to become distance from each other, Taeyeon could sense their relationship crumbling, but she wanted him to stay with her regardless

Rain: Written a few years after Taeyeon and Jiyong broke up the first time, talking about how their relationship is still something she muses about 

11:11: Written a few years after Taeyeon and Jiyong broke up the first time, talking about how, despite telling herself everything will get better eventually, memories of Jiyong and their past relationship still hurt her

Breathe (written, composed, and produced jointly by Taeyeon and Jiyong): Written a few years after Taeyeon and Jiyong broke up for the first time, talking about how their first breakup happened because they were at such bad places at the time; Taeyeon and Jiyong realized for sure that the other felt the same about them while writing this song together

Secret: Written after Taeyeon and Jiyong revealed their dating, talking about how being with him helps soothe her negative feelings

Drawing Our Moments: Written after Taeyeon and Jiyong revealed their dating, talking about what their time together means to Taeyeon

Gravity: Written after Taeyeon and Jiyong revealed their dating, talking about how their relationship keeps her grounded

Better Babe: Written after Taeyeon and Jiyong revealed their dating, talking about how Jiyong makes Taeyeon feel better

Love You Like Crazy: Written after Taeyeon and Jiyong revealed their dating, talking about how she needs him

Only One: Written after Taeyeon and Jiyong revealed their dating, describing how their mutual trust in each other gives them strength

Songs from Jiyong to Taeyeon

Bad Boy: Written during the period of difficulty during Jiyong and Taeyeon’s first relationship, expressing Jiyong’s apologetic feelings about feeling that he isn’t treating Taeyeon right, while still wanting her to stay with him

Blue: Written during the period of difficulty during Jiyong and Taeyeon’s first relationship, talking about the emptiness and pointlessness that Jiyong feels watching their relationship breaking down

Crooked: Written soon after after Jiyong and Taeyeon’s first breakup, expressing Jiyong’s resentful and angry feelings at how their relationship fell apart

If You: Written a few years after Jiyong and Taeyeon’s first breakup, expressing Jiyong’s regrets about their failed relationship and how he wishes they could try again

Let’s Not Fall In Love: Written a few years after Jiyong and Taeyeon’s first breakup, expressing how tentative Jiyong felt with their relationship back then, wanting to love Taeyeon but being afraid of getting in too deep, lest they hurt each other

Untitled, 2014: Written a few years after Jiyong and Taeyeon’s first breakup, inspired by the giant fight they had in mid-2017 that threatened their friendship until after Jiyong came back from the military, expressing how sorry Jiyong was for continuously hurting Taeyeon and how much he wished they could love each other like they did before they broke up

Quotes

Jiyong-oppa shuffled inside her apartment, his dark brown eyes dull with… well, dullness. Taeyeon knew that feeling – she was going through it right now. Not being tired exactly, but at the same time more tired than words could ever express. Not exhausted enough to fall asleep, but somehow much too exhausted to fall asleep. A feeling that felt like nothing – a feeling that came when you were just too done to bother with feelings. ‘Emptiness’ was the closest she could get to describing it in one word, but even that wasn’t quite right. Maybe emptiness if emptiness could be something physical, weighing you down inside, sapping any ounce of motivation you could find in yourself.

—Taeyeon, reflecting on the similar emotions between herself and Jiyong (from Not Quite)

It had all just… hurt. It had all just hurt so much that they decided to let each other go. He had been wandering aimlessly, so confused and so dissatisfied with everything and everyone that he gave up. On himself. On her. On them.

And now, he regretted it. Thinking of it now, they were happy together. Maybe they weren’t happy with themselves, not totally, but they had been happy with each other.

If only he had recognized that back then. If only he had decided to fight for the two of them.

—Jiyong muses about his past relationship with Taeyeon (from Too Late for Regrets)

“For me, it’s you.”

—Taeyeon

“It’s a relief that I have you.”

—Jiyong

“I don’t think I can let you go.”

—Jiyong to Taeyeon, when he expresses his desire to re-enter a romantic relationship with her

“I’m afraid. If we get this wrong again, it could be the end for us.”

“There’s no right and wrong. There’s only us.”

—Jiyong and Taeyeon, right before they agree to try again in a romantic relationship 

“Would you spend the rest of your life with me if you could?”

“Yeah.”

“Will you?”

—Jiyong proposes to Taeyeon

_______________________________

Credits:

Gravity, Better Babe, Rain, Secret, Love You Like Crazy, and Drawing Our Moments are songs by Taeyeon of SNSD; Heroine is a song by Sunmi; Breathe is a song of S.M. The Ballad, sung by Taeyeon of SNSD and Jonghyun of SHINee, Only One is sung by SNSD

[taulun]

A guy I've been talking to said that he might have bpd just as a "heads up". He's really sweet and everything seems fine and I would like to make it work (if we do end up liking each other more than friends). Do you have any advice on how to be there for him or just things I should know to expect in the future? I'm familiar with bpd, but not from first hand experience and I'd like to be a gf who supports her significant other the best that I can. Thanks ahead of time for any words of wisdom :]

I wish you luck, guys.. First of all, bpd is an awful, awful disorder and it takes a lot of sacrifices from one person to make a relationship work. I mean, it takes effort from bpd person too, but it's more about the other side sacrificing here. Okay, so:1. Never make him feel unwanted, like, try to response to all his affections and if you don't feel like it bcs idk it's not your day, let him know that it's not his fault and show him that it's true. 2. Be affectionate, emotional, loving and understanding above all, e.g. when he keeps talking to you about bpd or he starts acting exactly how he was describing his syndromes, never be judgmental, never say sth like "I didn't sign up for this", and even if you don't say it, don't act like that, bcs that's exactly what you signed up for. 3. Tell him you love him everyday. I'm serious. People with bpd, or at least me, we're like white blank pages everyday. Another day, another page, different viewing of people surrounding us. If you tell him you love him on Sunday, he believes that it's true only during that Sunday. On Monday he doesn't know it anymore and his paranoia makes an appearance until you tell him that you love him again, and not when he asks you that and you say "yes I do" (tho ofc most of the times it's enough to make him at ease), but anyway it's always better when he doesn't have to ask for your feelings. 4. Don't lie to him, don't break promises (I mean ofc it happens bcs people are not perfect, but please try not to break them all the time/often, bcs he'll get paranoid). 5. Reassurance and conversations are the key - if his doubts make an appearance, ALWAYS try to get rid of them by telling and showing him you love him. Talk with each other about problems, don't let him think that something is wrong without explaining that it's not (or if it is wrong actually, try to explain and convince him that it's not his fault - when it is his fault, explain it in the softest way possible, e.g. once I was with a girl and one time she told me that she doesn't want to do something for now and it looked like it's because of me and she couldn't handle the situation and we were in bed then and I ended up crying all night and everytime she tried to touch me or comfort me, I was doing everything in order not to be touched by her, I was paranoid and I thought she was rejecting me). Okay so now for the things you need to be prepared for:1. People with bpd see the world in black and white. Period. You can interpret it however you want, but they just don't see the grey. And it's not something they can change. 2. They have a lot of trust issues and traumas, and get triggered very easily. They could easily be described as "a very fragile glass". 3. The littlest things can make them depressed, paranoid, scared etc, but it takes something bigger for them to be happier, e.g. you can joke about sth inconvenient and it can trigger them, but you have to spend the whole day being affectionate and loving to fix it. And next days too. 4. Fears are most of the times irrational but they come from previous experiences in relationships or traumas those relationships left on them. That doesn't mean these fears are irrelevant. 5. Mood swings happen all the time. People with bpd are like a rollercoaster ride, at 5pm they're happy, at 5:15 depressed as fuck. It's very exhausting for them to experience emotions in general, and to experience emotions that change all the time is even worse. 6. About emotions - it's like, take your emotion, for example happiness and multiply it ten times. It's like they feel every emotion ten times stronger. So when he says he loves you, he means it ten times stronger than you can imagine, when he looks happy, he's actually at the top of the world. And bcs of the intensity of emotions it's very hard to exist because mood swings happen often and emotions are fucking intense. So yeah. 7. People with bpd are convinced that everything is impossible, unreachable for them, they feel they don't deserve anything. That happens during bad days. During good days they may even feel like gods. When I said about black and white, it has an impact on them as well - they're like walking and talking paradoxes. They want to kill themselves, but they don't, they want to heal themselves by therapy, but they don't, they hate their disorder, but they love it, they hate who they are, but there are some aspects about them that they love a lot (tho it's mostly hatred, they really can't stand themselves as human beings), they can think of themselves as the worst fucking shits on the planet, but at the same time they believe they're better than other people etc. It's because bpd is a disorder of two faces, two faces at the same time. People with bpd deny themselves and it's not normal for them either, but they can't change it. 8. Borderlines in relationships are like: "I know you will leave me in the end and at some point I'll just start counting the days until it happens", but they also try to believe you will stay with them forever and never leave them and that love is the answer to everything. So, that's a warning. If you don't mean to spend the rest of your life with that guy, think about it again, because once something happens and you leave, it will be like the end of the world for him. Literally. 9. People with bpd tend to be obsessed with their significant others. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't, because he will most probably love you SO MUCH that you will become his world, life, sense of existence, everything, but he can also get jealous, possessive, scared of losing you to the point where he basically takes your freedom away and he would do it without even knowing that it's wrong. At some point you will become a goddess for him. 10. They're impulsive. In a fight they say things they would never say out loud and days after the fight they don't even remember what they said. I often compare it to being possessed, because my mouth is talking, my fingers are typing, but I can't control it. I know what I'm doing but I can't do anything to stop it. Emotions are blinding bpds ALL THE TIME. And once the fight is over, they realize what they said or did and they start to apologize, sometimes literally on their knees. 11. They say sorry a lot. Like, A LOT. They are sorry for everything. They feel like everything they do is wrong, especially when their partner looks like sth is wrong and bcs of them (I already said that). 12. They will do ANYTHING to keep you by their side, anything so you won't leave. Most of the times they do the opposite but they believe it will keep you by their side. They have very complicated minds and fragile hearts, so like I said it's a rollercoaster or it's like walking on glass - one bad move and it breaks, most of the times forever. 13. Once they feel hurt by you, it will last for a long time or even forever. When something goes wrong in a relationship with bpd, they remember it and keep reminding themselves of it all the time. They are paranoid since then and most of the times that's the first phase of a process of leaving them by their partner. Why? Because they get hard to handle and people are never that strong to live with that. It's hard, it's really hard to be with someone who has bpd, but for them it's even harder, I believe. But anyway, like I said in the beginning, I wish you guys a lot of luck and especially to you, anon - I wish you patience and strength.