#also not to derail but i quote 'you get nothing!' all the time

[lemurblog]

Here’s some more ragging on the ahkj writers for ya. Why the hell did they do an entire episode about the lemurs wearing diapers!? You could do the exact same premise with so many other kinds of clothing! Like silly hats or onesies! That could have been adorable! But no, they just had to do fucking diapers!

I swear, it had to be somebody’s fetish on what’s supposed to be a kid show! And with that said, why in god’s name was the show made as a kid’s show!? Seriously!? You wouldn’t even have to change that much for the show to work as an average American adult cartoon show! AKHJ Mort would fit right in in an adult cartoon and King Julien! You wanna put in your fetish in a show so badly, make a show for adults!

There are shows that children and adults can enjoy that include adult jokes and are still appropriate for children. AHKJ is not of those shows. It fails! It loses! It gets no recommendation from me! Good day!

bahaha THAT LAST PART. I feel seen as someone who would not want the children in my life watching the whole show. Nor would I recommend it to almost anyone. I'm so excited to have a reason to share my controversial diaper episode opinions though.

If it was a fetish then yeah I pretty much agree. I'll never get the logic behind an adult making a kid show episode about their fetish. And the whole premise of these fetishes is their plausible deniability, which I find lame and cowardly.

imo ahkj is pure kid's tv, though. I beef with it for being behind its time (it came out after steven universe so the fatphobia and misogyny are like, come on) but i think its general humor is perfect for 8-12 year olds. It's true the characters would be at home on an adult show with no changes, but we see the same dark or adult humor in Adventure Time, Regular Show, and Trolls.

What sucks 4 me is I LOOVE this episode, lmao! It deserves better than its infamy by a mile. The diapers annoy tf out of me and I hate their design, but unlike everyone else I've followed over the years, it completely won me over in the end. It's too good for anyone to be skipping it and I'm so serious.

Yes it could've been about anything but diapers, BUT ahkj is a gross-out cartoon. They never passed up an opportunity to imply something was covered in poop. It's not ahkj's best quality, but it was part of their comedic ethos. A writer can go for gross as a humor subgenre without it being a fetish.

And my BIGGEST DEVIL'S ADVOCATE FOR THIS EPISODE: diapers are relevant to kids. It may seem super basic but I do wonder if our childless, skeptical, online adult brains are primed to see a fetish that we might miss how likely it is the team came up with this episode from watching their own kids play, or noticing what gets a reaction out of them.

I don't know if it's naive, but I never see this brought up when this episode gets roasted. The fetish seems unlikely by comparison to me.. esp when I don't believe fetishes like these are what's happening in cartoons. I don't know! The thing is I was ready to kill ahkj for years over this so I am very much the "(throws aside the large rock she was holding)" meme after I thought this other stuff over.

You gotta hear your gut out though. I hope what my gut is telling me is of some help or at least reassuring. Not to say the staff must be innocent lambs bc I'm not convinced they weren't on tumblr a little. It would be in-character for them if the point was to embarrass/shock/annoy kids and adults. One reason I called them little shits.

[herrscherofmagic]

i've spent nearly 47 hours over the last ten days drawing nothing but kiana (and hov)

yeah.

anyways, since I've had about enough of drawing Kiana for the rest of my life (/hj) I'm gonna put a pause on this project; but I'll turn it from a sprint into a marathon and try and work on it occasionally instead of all at once

I want to draw other things again x-x

Close-ups of the drawings below, as well as the reference image set, and some other misc. thoughts

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Portraits drawn from imagination

Started the process by trying to draw Kiana's head from imagination; then after each drawing I'd pause, look at some references, see what mistakes I made, then put away the references and drew from imagination (and referring to previous drawings) again. I also took breaks at two points to practice drawing eyes & hair before going back to drawing Kiana

For the last 4 portraits, I'd draw a head from imagination as a warm-up to a drawing session, and then do another head much later on instead of doing it immediately. Around halfway through this "phase" I started the other phases at random points, and finished this portion of the process in the first ~10-15 hours of drawing time. The rest of the time was split across the other exercises

Also I gave her an angry expression because I felt it was the easiest for me to do from memory since I've drawn HoV more than just "Kiana" herself. I also used a boring level 3/4 view without much perspective because it forced me to really make sure I was doing everything accurately and with care.

Basically my thinking was that if I could make a boring level 3/4 portrait look good enough, then I'd have no trouble getting it to look good in other perspectives. That seemed to be true when I got to the stage where I was doing expression practice and had to deal with more head tilt and other perspectives, lol

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Studies of still images from screenshots of gameplay, character art, and stills from animated shorts

Did rough sketches first, then drew with solid color over the sketches on a separate layer. not much else to say here, lol

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Full-bodies

Started with an anatomy model loosely based on the proportions of Kiana's in-game model, and then two attempts at doing full-body drawings from imagination before realizing that it's bloody insane to try and do that much detail from imagination and I have much better things to do with my life than that x-x

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Color studies

yaaaay color! yippee!

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Action sketches/"gesture" drawings

"Gesture" is in quotes because I was way too slow with these for it to really count as proper gesture drawing, imo. But the intention was to start with gesture, and I got closer to that as I went on.

It's way too tempting to start adding detail so I had to metaphysically slap myself with a frying pan to keep myself from getting derailed by that >.>

To get references for this, I did screen recording of gameplay on the PC with OBS studios, then used DaVinci Resolve to play back the recordings.

On PC, when using the mouse controls you can hold the camera fairly still when doing an attack sequence, making it awesome for getting unique angles. For instance, when I recorded Void Drifter's attacks, I was able to get at least 4 different PoVs of her attacks: from the left, the right, behind & above, and in front & below.

Unfortunately, though, it was a bit of a hassle to get good recordings because I had to go into an actual combat stage to record it instead of being able to use an empty testing stage.

With DaVinci Resolve I could "split" clips to make cuts in the timeline that let me easily mark the spots where different attack sequences started, and I could also easily play it in .5x speed to help me figure out how the animations were going from one set of frames to another.

Plus if you close the program after saving, when you open it up again it remembers which frame you were last on and takes you straight there, making it easy to continue from one day to another.

I used White Comet, Herrscher of the Void, and Void Drifter attack animations here, but I also did recordings of Knight Moonbeam and Herrscher of Flamescion, and I might give those a try someday.

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Facial expressions practice

Started with the set of rough sketches (first image), then did some expression practice from imagination (second and third images) to try and get used to how the proportions of the face change slightly with movement of the eyebrows/eyelids/jaw, since the shape of the eyes and mouth is especially important when doing stylized faces (like the anime style that HI3rd uses)

Then this morning I started working through the original rough sketches and developing them one-by-one, getting through 8 before I decided to call it quits and wrap up the project for now

So the facial expression practice pretty much the culmination of all my practice. All the practice with proportions, the contours & forms of the hair, monochromatic shading, line quality, shape design, etc.

This was also one of the few times I've ever taken stylized references and actually adapted them to some extent instead of directly copying them!

This is especially noticeable in the hair, where I used a more standard style for the hair, in contrast with the variety of hairstyles and shapes used in the various manga references (i.e. black-and-white Escape from Nagazora Kiana's messy hair vs the neat and solid hair in the colored Gratitude Arc, AE Invasion, and Moon Shadow Kiana)

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Reference images

[justporo]

Down, down the rabbithole

A Night of Fake Smiles and Hidden Lies: Part 7

Author's Note:Not sure how I feel about this chapter, so I'm very interested in what you think - also I have for the time being nothing more already written. Now we just go with the flow. (Also Edgar Allan Poe gets quoted in this one, please all thank @megschaef98 for advising me on that with her expertise; poems cited in order of appearance: For Annie, Annabel Lee and To One in Paradise)

Astarion and Tav venture further into the darker (and naughtier) corners of this grand event.

Songs: Cup Runneth Over - Kiki Rockwell Pairing: Astarion/Fem!Tav (You) Rating: Explicit Warnings: use of drugs, light smut, mentions of sex, gambling, basically a lot of sinful behaviour

CHAPTER LIST | PREVIOUS CHAPTER | NEXT CHAPTER ~~~

Astarion’s thumb wandered softly over your entwined fingers and he threw you a worried glance as you left the room and closed in on a giant hallway and staircase.

“Are you alright, my love?”, he asked softly. You nodded as you already felt the heavy feeling lift the further away you got from the siren and her song. Your heart that had felt gripped and dragged under by the siren’s magic slowly rising to the top again.

You simply nodded and kept walking but stopped in front of the stairs.

One set of stairs led up, the other leading down was roped-off. And from somewhere to the right a busy stream of servants kept coming with heavy trays and others came in with their empty ones – seemingly the kitchen was nearby.

You quickly slid your empty bowl on one of the passing servers’ empty trays before you turned to Astarion. “You want to keep going, darling?”, you asked the vampire and grabbed one of his hands as you tried to steady yourself mentally as well as physically to keep going. You surely had seen much worse on your adventures and wouldn’t be intimidated by some rich assholes getting some of what they deserved.

Astarion simply bowed gracefully and motioned towards the stairs leading to the next level of the manor. There was still a bit of worry in his eyes but he knew full well there was no use in arguing with you when you had already decided to keep going.

You went up the stairs as your descent into the depths was only just beginning.

The two of you ventured deeper into the mansion and quickly realised that the place was genuinely a maze. The rooms were smaller here, darker too and more quiet – but the mood was by no means less frivolous or extravagant. Quite to the contrary. The further and deeper you wandered into this estate the more derailed it seemed to get.

You could barely describe a difference between different chambers now though – there were too many. By leaving one and entering the next you’d already forgotten what it had looked like, merely remembering whatever it had been that was happening in there.

Starting off still quite normally was a room in which people danced intimately to the music of a smooth and rather quiet string quartet – some half-naked sole dancers in between them twirling on their own and seemingly cheering on the other guests to loosen up even more.

In another chamber only lit by candles on the floor a tiefling pianist played an affectingly sad sonata while an elven woman in only a thin white dress was laying atop the grand piano and kept reaching out her hands to the artist. Streaks of black from her displaced makeup covered her cheeks. All around people sat on the floor and wept with her as the sad melody went on seemingly forever.

In a very busy and bustling room round tables stood all around and people were gambling with dice and cards. People screamed as much in joy for a stroke of luck as in rage over a lost hand. They moaned for a fortune lost or a high-brow risk that was taken. Gold was stacked high on every table, on some even jewels and pieces of paper that probably were worth much more than any other stack of physical fortune. Hands full of rings clawed into the shoulders of players and you even saw one woman slap her partner as he burrowed his face in his hands after he revealed what must’ve been a majorly losing hand. The woman left in a rush as the man’s opponent laughed and slapped his fist onto the table making the glasses on it jump.

Somewhere else guests were quite obviously high out of their mind laying around on the floor and the furniture while thick and sickly-sweet smoke filled up the whole room and made you both almost immediately cough. Someone was brabbling to themselves in a corner, someone else laughing like they had gone mad while clawing at their clothes.

“Dreammist”, Astarion whispered silently, nose scrunching up, and he quickly dragged you out of the room.

You came across so much more unimaginable sinful debauchery and manifestations of dark urges you were soon lost for words to describe them: almost everywhere in the darkest corners people were getting it on. Really no one seemed not drunk or high out of their mind.

And servants still kept offering more drinks – and even the staff seemed more derailed here: some of them barely clothed anymore. And you were sure at least once you saw someone wearing uniform making out with guests too – not that you were to judge anyone.

Then there even had been someone rooms you hadn’t even wanted or dared to venture into – like the one where you had been sure you’d heard the growls of a large animal that surely did not belong inside a house or anywhere close to a city or when you had walked past a partly closed door from which only breathy moans and cries had come from (“Well, I guess we know what that room is for”, had been Astarion’s sole comment on that). Some areas were locked – surely the lord of the estate must not want to have someone barf on his correspondence on accident in his study or enjoy the comfort of their lover’s arms in his own private bed.

But what you had found interesting and entertaining at first had changed into more of a feeling of uneasiness and you had grabbed Astarion’s hand harder as you had continued your descent into the more and more unhinged circles of this event.

As you came to a place where a poet was reciting his dark and haunting works while being covered in what you could only hope was fake blood and his audience hung on his every word you took a break from your wandering. At least here felt reasonably normal enough to catch a breather. You looked at your soulmate and noticed how Astarion’s gaze was always cautiously observing everyone. He did not seem shocked by all of this and of course he’d made quite some of his usual suggestive comments as you had ventured forth, but you could feel the tension beneath it. Also, you had noticed how he had always been impossibly close to you the further you had gone, sometimes even protectively putting an arm around your shoulders and without words insisting on quickly leaving a chamber.

Like the one where an incubus who wasn’t even hiding his true nature had been fed fruit by admirers – of all ages, genders and races - sitting all around him, desperate to be the one offering the next piece, their hands wandering everywhere over his nearly naked body while he commanded them with a single word or a flick of his hand. From the moment on the two of you had entered the room his eyes had been boring into you, his pointy tail swishing around playfully as he took you in first. His gaze wandering up and down your body slowly, making you feel exposed. His eyes lingering especially long on your neckline before Astarion got the same treatment.

“Well, aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes?”, he spoke to you with a smooth deep voice. “Care to join?”, he continued with a grin and with one wave of his hand commanding everyone around him to get off him. The demon was really only clad in some leather pants that very prominently showed off the bulge between his legs he had started stroking as he had kept his eyes on you and Astarion. “I could make it worth your while, I promise”, he had murmured while he angled his head and licked over his pointy bared teeth.

The whole encounter had reminded you way too much of your meeting with Haarlep and how incredibly unsettling it had been to deal not only with him but Raphael too. Fair to say you’ve had your fair share of devils and demons for a while now.

“Sorry”, Astarion had responded nonchalantly with his usual smirk although you could feel that underneath he was as tense as a bow string. “I really already have my hands full with just this feisty one.” He patted your butt softly.

And you had turned to him and stared at him in disbelief while he had grinned at the incubus as if he was merely talking to just some normal guy. “I did not just hear you call me feisty in this situation, Astarion?” You slapped his chest – quite forcefully.

The demon gave a low and rumbly chuckle. “I see”, he had said and with a snap his admirers had returned to roam his body with their hands. “But if you ever change your mind…” He had left the sentence unfinished, his gaze again boring into you until you felt almost stripped naked in front of him and Astarion had protectively placed his hand on your shoulder and quickly led you out of the room.

So now you stood in the back of another dimly lit room and listened to this poet theatrically presenting some of his poems: “The moaning and the groaning, The sighing and the sobbing, Are quieted now, With that horrible throbbing.” He enunciated every word carefully, his tone and conduct underlining the meaning of his words – it was quite a thing to watch and listen to.

People sat and stood around the artist in a half circle, the performance area marked by some small cold, bright mage lights that were the only light source in this room. The sharp illumination from below then made the performance of the poet even more ghostly.

Astarion and you were both leaning against the wall in the back, observing the show in companiable silence.

A servant came buy offering you brightly green drinks in small crystal flutes – the colour of the beverage even visible in the pale and broken lighting in the back where you stood. You grabbed one for yourself and one for Astarion, feeling that you could use some more buzz to keep up with everything you had seen and experienced.

But Astarion quickly grabbed the glasses from you before you could take a sip. “Ah ah ah”, he made and gave them a quick whiff. And only then did he hand you back a glass.

“What was that about?”, you asked him softly as the pale elf took a small sip from the narrow glass.

“Do you know what this is?”

“Should I?” You eyed the drink suspiciously now – the colour suddenly looked a little too much like something that might put you in a coma; or worse. Suddenly you weren’t so keen on trying it anymore.

Astarion snickered and took another sip.

“This is Absinth or green fairy as some call it.” He rolled his eyes at the expression before he continued: “A drink that was hugely popular like a century ago – mostly with artists, poets and musicians. And one would assume that was because it was quite often enriched with hallucinogenic drugs.” Your eyes widened at the vampire.

“And I don’t think you’d like to lose control and start seeing even more things, eh? Not tonight and not in this place at least”, he continued. And you sure as all Hells agreed. “This is fine though, it’s just alcohol – although you’ll probably find it still packs quite the punch”, Astarion finished and gave a little laugh.

Cautiously you sniffed at your glass and felt how it immediately singed your nose. “Dear Gods”, you whispered. You surely had had your fair share of really bad alcoholic drinks in your life – living as a thief and on the streets most definitely did not come with lots of fancy champagne. But this really was something else.

So you went with what you had learnt was the most efficient way of getting stuff like this down: you took a deep breath, held it and then threw the drink back in one single go. You felt it burn down your throat and immediately find its way into your nose too. You shuddered, groaned and were sure you could almost immediately feel its effects.

Astarion looked at you with a mix of disgust, worry and admiration on his face. “Impressive”, he commented and took another tiny sip of his drink.

“Thanks, played a lot of horrific drinking games when I was younger”, you replied as you pinched your nose to soothe the burning there and couldn’t suppress another full body shiver.

“Well, remind me to never try to drink you under a table”, Astarion quipped and finished his Absinth.

You put your empty glasses onto a tray of a bypassing servant and each grabbed one more drink. You downed yours again in one single movement and watched and laughed as Astarion tried to do the same but almost started to cough because of the sheer amount of burning liquid that went down his throat. And you kept laughing as Astarion mumbled something about being “too old for this kind of shit” under his breath.

Right then you could really feel a pleasant and soothing buzz settling in. You leaned your head back again and watched as Astarion did the same: the way his eyes rolled to catch yours being just a tad slower than normal and making you think that he was probably feeling the same effects of the alcohol setting in. You concentrated on the performance again.

The poet was on his knees now, screaming his lines and hitting the hardwood floor with his fists: “So that her high-born kinsmen came And bore her away from me, To shut her up, in a sepulchre, In this kingdom by the sea.”

He’d already broken the skin on his hands and blood splattered around him. And you suddenly weren’t as sure anymore that the other blood on him wasn’t real.

You turned to watch Astarion as he observed the performance – he seemed not quite super interested but not completely oblivious as well.

And maybe it was the alcohol, but you just kept drinking in the vampire’s profile with your eyes right then and there. And unlike the drinks you took your time with it. Watched how his lips moved when he rolled the tongue in his move. Saw how his Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed. Observed how a muscle in his jaw ticked and his eyebrow twitched.

His features were illuminated by the few light sources in the room – just the mage lights in the front: his straight aristocratic nose, his soft lips, the soft lines around the corner of his mouths and around his eyes that deepened when he smirked at you, one soft curl falling onto his forehead and his eyes that more often than not lingered on you. You could get lost in his features every time you looked at him.

And obviously you had when you realised, Astarion had been looking at you out of the corners of his eyes without turning his head. He’d let you stare on purpose – sly bastard.

“Like what you see?”, he drawled.

You huffed and watched the poet again who was momentarily clawing at his own throat: “The light of Life is o’er! No more – no more – no more – “. Some of the audience had now even joined him in his cries of anguish.

“You still need confirmation?”, you asked, your eyes still on the dramatic show unfurling.

“I’ll never get enough of you saying it, darling.”

With your head still on the wall you turned to Astarion again. He mirrored you, eyes watching you as intently now as he’d been watching everyone around priorly.

“You’re the most beautiful creature the Gods have ever created, Astarion. My life has become more just by you being in it. I’d rather die and bury myself in the darkest dungeon than waste a moment of my life not being with you”, you whispered confidently.

Your vampire’s lips parted at your confession and his pupils widened until they almost blotted out the red in his eyes: “My love, it’s rude to try and upstage the artist with your own show of poetry.”

You laughed at that – this was the second time he’d called you a poet tonight. “Well, my muse is just that inspirational. I can’t help it.”

“Maybe it was the Absinthe after all though”, Astarion whispered, lowering his head and looking at you through his lashes almost.

“Maybe you should just shut up”, you whispered back and grabbed his face then. Crushing your lips onto his and immediately slipping your tongue into his mouth as soon as he allowed it. You crept closer to him, one hand clawed into the front of his doublet. Astarion moaned into your open mouth as you thought that this place and this atmosphere was finally getting the best of you.

In this moment you were more than ready to become one of those other couples you had seen everywhere before: naughtily rubbing yourself against your lover, stealing more and more kisses – and maybe even more.

But the vampire broke the kiss sometime after you had pressed your body against his. “Later, my love. I won’t share you with anyone else. Even if it’s only looks”, he whispered to you huskily, still so close his breath brushed over your face. He smirked at you though, his eyes promising rewards later on if you behaved now.

“Fair enough – because I don’t want to share either”, you replied with a wicked grin and leaned back against the wall again. Maybe the second ‘green fairy’ had almost been too much. Astarion kept staring at you though, obviously enjoying it way too much when you became almost feral for him. You let him sit with his own fantasies for the time being.

As you tried to cool the rising heat in you, you thought about the evening so far. Never had you imagined that this would be it. Lots of alcohol and sinful behaviour? Yes. Excess and careless display of unjustified wealth? Yes. But this had went far beyond your wildest expectations. You thought about what you had come across so far – the incubus, the siren, but even more: the people completely out of their minds – be it drugs or lust or other dark urges.

“You don’t seem fazed by all this”, you said to Astarion after a while, one hand lazily indicating all of the festivities.

“No, not really”, he answered. “You wouldn’t believe how quickly ‘nobles’ lose all sense of dignity if presented with the chance. I’ve seen it happen way too often during Cazador’s festivities.” He rolled his eyes and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

“Yes, but…”, you were lost for words. “This is different than what I thought. I’ve been drunk out of my mind before. But this… Seems like something people go into and might not come out of on the other side.”

The vampire shrugged. “You’re not wrong, my love. But for most it is just some hours lost, maybe a good amount of gold and most of their dignity. And then they eat up their shame and come back for another round. And yes, there are those that lose themselves to their hungers – be it lust, be it greed or something else. But I can assure you it’s mostly those that have already been rotten.”

He almost spat out the last words, the corners of his mouth drawn down as he kept watching the poet’s performance. His red eyes far away though, obviously thinking of countless memories proving his point. As much as you wanted to agree with Astarion a tiny shred of you couldn’t help but feel sorry for these people.

Then you remembered dog lady and her friends – and your sympathy quickly vanished.

“Although I have to admit this is quite the impressive display and variety of offered sins, this must’ve cost a kingdom – and maybe a soul or two”, Astarion said after some time and gave a chuckle.

“And”, he continued and turned to you while dramatically lifting an eyebrow, “have you noticed that there were some vampires about? Just spawns though – probably looking for some easy prey.”

That surely sobered you up quickly. You lifted your head off the wall: “What?”

Astarion’s face split into a feral grin: “Yes of course – I spotted some right when we entered the ballroom. And more when we kept wandering around.”

You stared at him with an open mouth: “You can’t be serious! And you only tell me this now?”

“It’s not like it’s unusual, my sweet. You’d be surprised how heavily undermined Baldur’s Gate’s – or probably every metropolis’ – high society is with bloodsuckers – and I mean the literal ones for once. Might just be that their master has tasked them with bringing some dinner home”, Astarion continued and gave one of his high-pitched chuckles.

You could barely believe your ears. “And do you think they’ve noticed you as well?”

“Most likely, my dear, but it’s usually a gentleman’s agreement to keep quiet about it, so hush, my heart”, he said and switched to a whisper halfway through. He lifted a single long finger to his lips and shushed. Right now, you weren’t sure if he might be starting to actually be drunk or if he actually was serious.

“You’d be surprised how often you might’ve come across a vampire without even noticing, my sweet. Not everyone’s as open about it as me” – he grinned, showing his fangs – “and surely these are not the only wolves among this herd of sheep tonight”, he finished.

You kept looking at your vampire and swallowed heavily, unsure of what to say about his ominous words. You surely would have noticed if you had come across a vampire before – right?

“Oh, don’t make that face, my love, you have me to keep you protected, don’t you?”, Astarion continued and suddenly sounded a lot more serious again. He wrapped an arm around your waist and drew you close to him, then he grabbed one of your hands and placed it on his chest.

“I promise you, my darling love, anyone who dares to hurt you will have my dagger stuck in their throat faster than they’ll think better of it.” His crimson eyes lit up with the promise as he solemnly made his vow to you. He covered your hand on his chest with his own and sealed the deal with a kiss that was even more eager and passionate than his words.

Tags: @aurasyn @margoteve @usuallyunlikelyfox @hollowmasque @worryknotdear

[soaringwide]

Hello, Soaringwide, how are you?

I just saw your Get to know your tarot reader - ask game. The questions are really interesting so I want to ask a few questions (I actually want to know your answers to all the questions 😆)

✒️ What’s a quote that sums up your philosophy?

🐦‍🔥 What’s a belief you once held that you no longer do?

🦅 What does personal growth mean to you, and how do you pursue it?

Have a nice day, and thank you for all the insightful PACs and tarot posts 💐

Hello :D

Doing okay today, it's 6 am and I'm about to go to work, and you? :)

Haha feel free to post as well (haven't checked if you did but I will) so I can ask a few too! thank you for your questions :D

✒️ What’s a quote that sums up your philosophy?

I'm a massive fan of everything from Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet, but I've also been obsessed with Rimbaud's work every since I was a teenager. So, hard to pick but I'd say I keep coming back to this one:

“The poet makes himself a seer through a long, immense reasoned deranging of all his senses. All the forms of love, of suffering, of madness; he tries to find himself, he exhausts in himself all the poisons, to keep only their quintessences.” - Rimbaud

Idk there is something about embracing the chaos with all your senses and diving within you that I find extremely inspiring in Rimbaud's writings, and validating in a way, because it explains what animates me in life and explains why it seems I always look for intensity in everything...

🐦‍🔥 What’s a belief you once held that you no longer do?

There was a dark time in my life, the year leading up to the plague, where I was a bit too obsessed with a niche new age youtuber, some type of small scale online guru that i started listening because i thought she gave me spiritual insight on my life; which ended up confusing me and leading me astray more than anything.

Ever since I have a big dislike for anything starseed and magical alien related, because the whole thing left me a sour taste and comes with rotten ideas of like ''everything is meant to happen and will always be fine, you're destined for success if you just manifest it well enough, there is nothing but light, YOU are just so sPeCiAL, all your symptoms are proofs that you are ascending and everyone who doesn't believe that is in the matrix or whatever, ...", there is no critical thinking allowed and so many things that didn't fit with my world view that I was silencing because what she was saying was making me feel good in the moment.

Idk I just LOATH how that movement targets vulnerable people at the worst time for them to give them false hope and derail their real potential for recovery by masking everything with a collective lie that serves no good except making whoever is spewing them richer and more powerful.

What made me snap out of it is when covid started early 2020 and she (of course) started spewing conspiracy theories about what was happening, of the like of ''the earth is purging itself to ascend, you have nothing to worry about you will not get sick... and also it was made by the chinese...'', and I was like, this is getting weird I'm out. So I just unfollowed and never went back to that...

🦅 What does personal growth mean to you, and how do you pursue it?

As a 31 yo, I truly believe that while you can't do much about your body aging (yes cosmetically you can, but it won't stop you from dying at some point), you absolutely can do something about your Heart.

There is something I noticed in people who let bitterness take a hold of their Heart (which can happen at any time but gets worse as you get older), and it's that it changes you, and I think you lose something here. You're no longer longing for the future, looking ahead and hoping to make a change in the world and in your own life. You're just defeated and looking at everything pessimistically, judging the youth for being too this or too that. You lose the spark, the passion and the ability to dream the future. Life becomes that heavy routine that has lost all magic.

So at this point, personal growth means never to lose sight of that, and how I pursue it is to always have something going on within me that pushes me forward, a dream to hold on, a passion to cherish, for that keeps my Heart young while I accumulate wisdom in the right places and age without losing myself.

But yeah, it's difficult and some days I can't do it so well, but I'm determined and it's like, the goal of my life I'd say.

ask me a question from here

[imaginespazzi]

NIVI, bestie, the first chapter of Golden Hour (peep me using the actual title!) – fucking spectacular. You know the UCLA fic will live on in my mind forever and it will always have a special place in my heart, but this might give it a run for its money already. Just something about kid fics, it’s just too damn endearing!

Firstly, when you use My Immortal as the song reference, you already know it’s gonna have you in your feels haha. Immaculate song choice btw.

LOL at the shade Indy’s still copping 9 years on. Also, I had a slight jump scare realising that Paige had been at the Wings all this time (@ irl universe, that was simply for the plot, not a manifestation).

DUDE, I just know every scene with Stephie is gonna hit, like ugh it’s all so adorable!! Stephie being just as indecisive as her mother, I would expect nothing less from Azzi’s mini-me. Also, picturing Azzi with kids is just so 😍🥰 I could feel my heart melt throughout their entire scene together.

Manager! Colleen, we love this, truly par for the course. Also, Colleen tryna keep up with the spelling was so real of her, SAME babes.

Ahhhh JANA! I was wondering which menace would be burdened with having to deal with the two idiots! Side note: This just made me even more excited for this big 3 this coming season (it’s what we deserve after being robbed of our other big 3).

The Paige and Stephie scene man, immediately in my top 5 out of all the scenes you’ve ever written.

She really got Paige with the “but you’re not a stranger” huh.

And when she just casually climbs on to Paige’s lap and made sure she got her kisses! P absolutely stood no chance against this kid, she’s stuck at GSV forever now.

The instant bond and attachment they have to each other - ugh I love them so bad already - they’re gonna be such a handful for Azzi to deal with.

Flashback scenes always get me, I may or may not have teared up at this scene, just seeing how in love they were and them thinking they’d be that simple forever, knowing the train derailed somewhere along the way. Heartbreaking.

Jana staying true to her menace roots by putting her foot in her mouth lmao. Also, “children of divorce” lines are always some of my favourites haha, I just know the menaces still have regular group therapy sessions about how mom & dad’s divorce traumatised them cause like is love even real at that point? 😔.

The whole exchange between Paige and Azzi was like whiplash, in the best way, between the banter and how they really feel.

And the last lines – it wouldn’t be you if there wasn’t a perfect full circle/callback moment.

What’s next? (maybe)

The “one snapped string can cause a whole web to dissolve” really got me thinking about how exactly their mutual web was splintered and just how much their breakup affected everyone around them.

I’m also excited to find out who their other teammates are lol.

Can’t wait for the first time that Stephie brings up “Miss Buecks” with Azzi.

I’m also imagining Stephie having a pre-game handshake/ritual with Azzi and then her making one up for her and P 🥹

Most of all, I’m so sat to find out about the breakup, like I need all the details immediately and what happened that “last time”.

Oh and will there be a reveal of how Stephie was conceived?? Although, I’m guessing by the “because Stephie is all Azzi’s” that the other parent is definitely out of the picture?

And before I forget, the title art? header? ate that up once again (I see what you did making it purple)! The tagline too. I mean, you know i'm still partial to the "everything changes, except the ending" cause that really was *chef's kiss* but this was too!

Favourite line/quote:

“I’ve never seen you with braids this early in the year. They used to be your summer braids,” Paige remarks slowly. It’s a mundane change to notice but it’s significant of the larger truth, significant of all the time that’s passed, significant of the fact they don’t know these new versions of each other.

You’re an absolute legend as always, bestie! Can’t wait for the next one 💗

-🙋‍♀️

AHHH BESTIE I was waiting for your review cause like you're lowkey one of my favorite parts of the writing process now so just by that logic you're never allowed to fully leave this app tee hee.

AH I WAS HOPING YOU'D KNOW IT! It just fit really well.

Sorry not sorry Indiana you're just never ending up in my good books and I have no faith in that organization to not still be a cesspool years from now. DALLAS WINGS THIS IS NOT MANIFESTATION PLEASE LOOK AWAY!

Azzi as a girl mom is so self-indulgent like I just know she's meant to be one and would be so amazing so like this fic really is just me vicariously imagining it.

Lmao I had to have Colleen. She was there the first time, it's only fair she has to deal with them again the second time. Without anything to back it up, I also lowkey could see this in real life.

I thought about it for a fair bit but Jana ultimately made the most sense but the other menaces will make an appearance at some point for sure!

The Paige and Stephie scene was one of my favorite scenes to write and again so self-indulgent because I live and die for soft!Paige and especially that with kids? Yeah, I really did that for me lmao.

Yeah there is not Paige Bueckers anymore only Stephie's Ms. Bueckers and they're only about to get more and more attached (until I ruin it? MWAHAHA maybe)

I think I've used that children of divorce line in mutiple fics but ah well it's not like I can plagiarize myself lmao

You know me too well babes. I love my full circle moments, even though this one actually wasn't intentional until the very last line.

I know UCLA was very Pazzi centered but I'm actually really excited to get into other relationships in this fic as well and that line *whispers* was definitely foreshadowing.

I lowkey have no idea what other teammates to give them so that should be fun coming up with a team lmao

WAIT THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA I'M STEALING IT LMAO

Is the "last time" a reference to the actual breakup or something more recent? Hmmm guess we'll find out (and I do mean we cause I haven't decided lmao)

That really is the question of the century huh? But yes, while it lowkey would've been fun (and easy) to never go into that, the mystery of Stephie's conception will be revealed in due time.

AHH THANK YOU! I'm not the greatest editor but I do really enjoy making covers like this so it means a lot that you liked it.

Love you babes, I'm so glad you're along for the ride again <3

[payattentiontothescreen]

Bridgerton Rewatch S1E4 - An Affair of Honor

Here we go with episode 4! Just as a warning before getting into this one, I was kinda high when I watched this episode so my notes are pretty incoherent. I’ll do my best to interpret them.

When Daphne and Violet go to the palace, there are those upper-crust dumbasses calling Daphne a commoner. Obviously that’s a pretty crazy thing to say about the Bridgertons but that’s how everyone at court sees them. Once you get to the absolute top of society, the family of a viscount is basically destitute. It just proves how Daphne would never have fit into this part of society.

I’ll talk more about the necklace later but for now I just need to say that it looks insanely uncomfortable.

Alice Mondrich comes in swinging during Simon’s pity party before the boxing match. She’s so great, I can’t wait to see more of her in season 3.

It’s funny but also sad that everyone is so confused when Mr. Finch comes calling for Philippa. It’s like no one actually believed in the girls’ abilities to attract anyone. It’s not unfounded, but it still sucks.

Some of the greatest dramatic irony in this show comes when you watch the first season after learning Lady Whistledown’s identity. Eloise talks about how much she admires LWD because she doesn’t spend her nights “simpering at the edge of a ballroom” (not the exact quote but still). Little does she know that LWD/Penelope does exactly that almost every night, which is why she has the information she does.

I have a feeling that there’s gonna be one really strange outing per season. This season was the boxing date with Daphne and Friedrich. Like, it makes sense in context but imagine having a conversation about kids and what kind of family you’re looking for in the middle of a boxing match.

Daphne staring at Simon’s forearms will always make me chuckle. Those forearms got my girl dizzy, it’s hilarious.

I will be saying this a lot but I think Benedict and Henry should have kissed. I remember watching the show for the first time and being very disappointed that they didn’t kiss. Every time I go back, part of me hopes that it’ll be different this time but I know it won’t.

The art of background acting is so underrated. I had this noted at the point when Anthony tells Daphne that Friedrich asked for permission to propose. Claudia Jessie isn’t technically a part of the scene but she is still in character, acting her heart out as Eloise. The facial expressions are killer, it’s amazing. 

The scene where Daphne admits to Violet that everything between her and Simon was “fake” is so good. You can tell that Daphne is trying to convince herself of everything she’s telling her mother as if it’s fact. The hurt and desperation is so present, it’s crazy.

I have a lot of thoughts on high society racial integration part of Bridgerton’s world but writing about it here would completely derail this post. That’s gonna have to come later.

The mood whiplash coming for Benedict after Henry tells him that second sons have all the fun is gonna hit him like a freight train.

I get so much secondhand embarrassment from Eloise confronting Mrs. Wilson about Lady Whistledown. I take my headphones off during that scene, the cringe is too much.

Colin is so in love with Penelope and so clueless about it. I am so looking forward to him finally realizing his feelings.

So we have made it outside of the Trowbridge Ball and here is where I talk about the necklace. This gift absolutely had to be a necklace. Nothing else would have shown how suffocated she felt by Friedrich’s affections. When she took it off, she breathed like it was physically choking her. That imagery is so powerful, especially with Simon watching Daphne release herself from the grasp of the prince.

Simon here bugs me because he’s practically talking Daphne out of marrying Friedrich when he knows it’s the best course of action. He’s getting in her head while ignoring the fact that he will refuse to marry her. Like, what was he actually trying to accomplish? I understand that this is why Simon and Daphne get married but he gets under my skin a little bit here.

Quick little side note, I don’t know if this is a cinematography thing or weird direction that didn’t play out on camera but Simon and Daphne getting it on in the garden looks so awkward and uncomfortable? To me, at least. I didn’t find it very sexy, just awkward.

And thus begins my favorite part of season one, the wild melodrama of the duel. I don’t know how they managed it because the situation is bad and the stakes are real but it still plays out very over the top. I love it so much.

We have made it to the point in the first season where Marina becomes kind of shitty. It gets worse later on but here is where we start to see it.

“Not everyone can be a pretty Bridgerton” may be harsh, but it’s true. It’s more present in the second season but Eloise doesn’t actually understand her position. She is a member of the family with some of the most social capital in the ton and it is largely because of their looks. All this to say that the Bridgertons are pretty privilege incarnate.

Something I love about Simon and Will’s friendship is how much is said without words. It shows how well they know each other in such a great way.

This is what I wrote down: “Addiction is a disease but Lord Featherington is a fuckhead.” I don’t think I need to elaborate on that one.

I’ve been trying to avoid talking too much about Siena because I’m not a fan of her storyline but it’s wild to me that she gets upset when Anthony leaves for the duel. He literally told her that he was dueling at dawn. That’s why he was there, that’s why she let him in. Why is she making a face about it now? This is something else that I could be misinterpreting but it just stood out as I was watching.

The duel is so good. It’s so extra and overdramatic. I know it wasn’t meant to be but let’s be honest, no one was gonna die. So it just reads as so over the top to the outside observer. At least to me, it does.

I don’t know how much there actually is to say about it but something that stood out to me was the way the conversations with the seconds went. Anthony has very clear instructions for Benedict and makes sure that he knows them, even once they’ve already gone through the whole thing. When Will asks if Simon wants him to make any arrangements, Simon tells him that his affairs are in order and nothing else. If that doesn’t say a lot about their family lives, I don’t know what does.

Something that I always notice when I watch Daphne getting shot at is the reactions. Simon runs for her as soon as the horse bucks. Anthony runs for her when she falls. There’s a lot of things that could say but I’m not gonna assign a specific interpretation here because I can’t decided on one.

My final note on this episode was “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” and I think that’s a very fitting end to this notes session.

As we get closer to season 3, I'm concerned that I won't be able to watch the whole thing beforehand but let's see.

[hestusjamsession]

I’ve been depressed so I decided to do what normal people do when they’re depressed and make a list of my favorite Legend of Zelda fanfics thus far. I think I’ll make a Linked Universe one next.

Almost all of these fics are finished and most are multi chapter. Some are quite long too. I also tried to include a variety of ships and stuff. I’m a multi-opportunity shipper, what can I say?

I know a few of the authors are here on Tumblr but I can’t for the life of me find them. So if anyone knows the usernames of the authors so I can tag them I’d appreciate it.

Anyway…

*cracks knuckles*

1. Make a Wish, Make it Count by LiliansMalice

Three very different people get forced to work together to find a powerful relic that can grant them wishes and solve their (admittedly pretty bad) problems.

It’s got angst, it’s got humor, it’s got found family vibes. And demons. Lots and lots of demons. Such a good read y’all need to check it out. Also, if anyone knows of any more fics like this let me know!

2. Honor Among Thieves by DawnTheRithmatist

The Master Sword has been stolen and as things start to go missing around the castle Zelda decides to do some digging which ends up with her becoming pen pals with a wanted thief.

Zelink fic which Link goes full rogue and koroks are eager accomplices.

3. Beating Around the Bush by Umbreonix

Revali retires from the air force and becomes a remote bush pilot. His life is all well and good (if boring) until a slightly feral researcher from the University of Central Hyrule derails his entire life.

This fic is genuinely hilarious and also heartwarming. Umbreonix writes Revali so well. Revlink fic with a modern spin. (Side note, the fic “Finding Link” by the same author is also really good)

4. Displaced by Socksock

What do you do once you’ve saved the day? Yeah, Link and Zelda don’t know either. But Link has monsters to kill and cool new outfits to find and Zelda has massive bridges to rebuild and loyal knights to smooch so they’ll be ok.

This was one of the first fics I read after beating BOTW. Novel length Zelink goodness with lots of humor and healing and Link dressing up like Tingle because he’s like that.

5. K.K. Love Song by Socksock

Anything by Socksock is gonna be great but this fic literally kept me sane while I was working on site during the Pandemic. Oklahoma be like that.

Modern Zelink fic where the hot new Shiekah Slate game Animal Crossing brings a Princess and a cook closer together. Link apparently does a good KK impression.

6. Nothing More, Nothing Less by Farbsturz

Ravio, Bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, must head to Hyrule to help it’s Hero defeat the Calamity. Ravio, Bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, is not sure about this.

Ravio plays Breath of the Wild. Or- the Ravlink fic you didn’t know you wanted.

7. The Queen’s Tournament by AshleysWrittenWords

In order to become Queen, Princess Zelda must marry. Zelda’s plan? Part 1: Host a tournament were the winner gets her hand in marriage. Part 2: Enter said tournament in disguise so she can, to quote Merida from Brave “shoot for her own hand”. And it all goes according to plan until Link decides to enter the tourney as well.

I THINK I might have read this, or something very similar, once upon a time on Fanfiction.net. Twilight Princess-ish Zelink.

8. Branded by Embyrinitalics

In a land haunted by war, two lonely people find solace within each other.

This one’s got a somber vibe to it, but it’s beautifully written and it hits me in the shipper feels so yeah.

9. The Wolf of Farore by Wayward_Chronicler

The Legend of Zelda meets The Witcher in a fic that is technically not finished but has 71 chapters and more character cameos than you can swing a sword at.

Long fic fam this one’s for you. 😘

10. Interim by Starkraving

Link and Zelda have just defeated the Calamity and are wandering Hyrule when they meet a strangely familiar Gerudo who wants to buy Link’s giant horse and has no idea what he’s about to get roped into.

The Link/Zelda/Gan fic filled with angst, humor and lots of Gerudo grammar lessons.

This was the other fic I read right after beating BOTW. Fair warning- its rated E so it’s got spicy parts to it. But if you don’t mind that it’s a fantastic read.

11. Re-Domestication by AnthemXIX

The description says it best: “A semi-feral amnesiac and his wolf guardian try to get along with the locals.”

A really good BOTW Link and Wolf Link fic that isn’t Linked Universe related (Though the author has written several really good LU fics as well). It’s part of a series and they’re all really good.

12. Secrets of the Shadows by @skyloftian-nutcase

When Link goes missing, Rusl finds a wolf instead of his adopted son and ends up making a terrible mistake. Hopefully he can make it to Kakariko in time to rectify it.

Papa Rusl angst because it’s good for the soul.

[lunanoc]

who exactly are the hei feizi in sand sea part IV?

i refuse to be the only one responsible for this being posted publicly so i’m co-blaming @tiesanjiaoshenanigans (✨)

disclaimer as always i’ve only read things in their entirety up through and including Sand Sea as far as the main installments of the story are concerned, so if anything in later canon pops up to debunk this you never saw anything 🏃‍♀️

that being said let's get into it

this isn’t really meta because it’s more me questioning my reading comprehension after getting through part IV of Sand Sea than anything else. i’ve seen the hei feizi or 黑飞子 (lit. “flying black thing”) mentioned from time to time, and every single time it’s been to refer to the specific phenomenon of people whose body is taken possession of by the black-haired sunbeam snakes (or cat snakes) that play a key role in the story of Sand Sea. the dmbj wiki, sparse as it is, also has an article dedicated to the hei feizi that explicitly states that those snake parasitized people are what hei feizi are

i realize this is going to be a very bold take considering all of that and you’re starting to see why i’m questioning my basic reading comprehension skills at this point, but fresh off of finishing Sand Sea, i’m left deeply confused because that isn’t at all the takeaway i got from part IV of what the hei feizi are. so, for the sake of Figuring Shit Out, and because we love sources, let’s take a look at all the times hei feizi are mentioned in Sand Sea Part IV, and let me try and suggest that hei feizi doesn’t refer to black-haired snake parasitized people at all

we start off with these very first mentions in chapter 201 (merebear’s edition) of Sand Sea and onward wherein che zong, one of the men wu xie hires to come with him to investigate what turns out to be a snake mine in the wilderness of ningxia, and who also happens to be one of the last people wu laogou taught dog training to, calls a hei feizi by name

(side note, i’m aware all the quotes say his name is che zhong, but the characters are 车总, the last one pronounced zong, so unless the chinese text has a repeated typo or there’s an alternate pronunciation of the character i’m not aware of, the translation is the one with the typo. since his name is consistent in the original i’ll be calling him che zong)

che zong reacts like this to a figure he and wu xie see in the dark as they make their way towards a neighboring village to seek medical help for their wounds sustained during their ill-fated trip in the mine and against the longzhi. xiaomange, the dog che zong trained according to wu laogou’s wishes in order to give him to wu xie, also reacts aggressively to the figure and barks at it even as it disappears into the trees. so far, nothing conclusive besides the fact that che zong is deeply terrified by whatever this hei feizi is, so much so that wu xie is a little concerned given he didn’t react nearly this strongly to a creature that was supposed to be almost unkillable

when pressed, che zong states that hei feizi “isn’t a thing, it’s a person”, which while it does cast potential doubt on it being a monster, doesn’t technically contradict the idea that he’s referring to snake-parasitized people specifically, especially given both how terrified he is and that arguably that’s exactly what they’re being chased by

wu xie then recalls the story wu laogou told him of the hei feizi under a different name, and how they were some sort of oppressive and elusive legend among tomb robbers who felt watched. you do get the impression wu xie seems to be talking about some kind of tomb creature, and all it really tells us is that hei feizi are elusive and kind of creepy, which bao sa (the man who’s dead and zombified by the black-haired snake) arguably is at this point

here he is being a creepy Very Dead zombie man

so far so good

however this is where in my opinion the “hei feizi are snake-parasitized people” interpretation starts getting derailed. we’ve skipped ahead here to when wu xie and che zong, who to be fair seem really sus to the local villagers (who unfortunately get to witness a horror movie in real time), get dragged to their village hall by force in the middle of the night, and are faced with a dead bao sa controlled by black-haired snakes who really want into wu xie’s body because apparently he’s snake catnip. when wu xie refers to bao sa as a hei feizi (note he uses 它 ta which really is "it", the third person pronoun for non-human things, in the original text), che zong corrects him and tells him that bao sa isn’t a hei feizi, or more specifically that he was but no longer is one technically. the exact sentence in chinese is as follows:

这不是黑飞子，不，这是黑飞子，不，现在已经不是黑飞子了

note that che zong never uses 它 ta or “it”, and what he says more exactly translate to:

this isn't a hei feizi, no, this is a hei feizi, no, now it’s already no longer a hei feizi

to put it simply, this sentence implies that bao sa was formerly a hei feizi, but in his present state is no longer one. in other words, that as a snake-parasitized dead thing, bao sa isn’t really a hei feizi proper, just a dead one

this is reinforced here when he says this a bit further, also implying that a live hei feizi is more dangerous than dead one taken over by snakes

we then get a second more in-depth explanation of what a hei feizi is meant to be, and che zong explains that because no one could actually catch sight of them properly in ancient or more distant times, the hei feizi were relegated to the category of elusive myth as humanoid monsters or ghosts. he also says that wu laogou, because he used dogs who had a superior sense of smell to rob tombs, was the first person in recent memory to seriously consider the idea that hei feizi were not in fact monsters, but rather were "human beings" or "very mysterious people"

che zong also seems to be saying that normally no one could detect a hei feizi was tracking them, or at the very least lay eyes on them, but on the rare occasion a hei feizi would mess up and reveal itself, whoever they were tracking would have to be eliminated because by having seen them, whoever they were tracking had already seen too much. and once again, wu laogou was the only person of his generation, and maybe even altogether, who because his dogs saved his life (likely helping him escape or outright killing the hei feizi) saw a hei feizi and survived

from there the evidence keeps pointing at the hei feizi being something not so much Other, but more something in some ways more sinister and dangerous. che zong says here that wu laogou, the only person in recent memory who’s seen a hei feizi, told him that “hei feizi are actually the same as us”, which doesn’t scream to me as meaning they’re supposed to be people taken over by snakes, but rather that he’s saying “hei feizi aren’t monsters, they’re people”. the fact they apparently have a “special smell” has implications that need a whole other post to get into but it definitely has Implications

we continue on and learn that wu laogou tentatively trained xiaomange to find hei feizi, an important trump card to have given that modern times and technology forced the hei feizi to change surveillance tactics, moving on from simply “monitoring people” in tombs to “entering tomb robbing circle”, that is to say essentially switching from lurking in the shadows to organized espionage and infiltration in broad daylight. which then culminates in a statement wu xie gives that’s so explicit it just makes me even more confused about how the “hei feizi are snake-parasitized people” conclusion happened:

"they must be part of the family opposing menyouping's family"

which besides being an explicit reference to the wang family, also ties this conclusion to bao sa, the man whose body the snakes took over, who even before he died and became the black-haired snakes’ puppet was strongly implied to be a wang who infiltrated wu xie’s team and tried to kill him

what i’m saying is that all this is slowly guiding the reader towards the realization that hei feizi are members of the wang family, not bodies taken over by snakes

adding to that this information here, it’s a conclusion that makes infinitely more sense given the context of Sand Sea Part IV in general, but more specifically how it re-situates what we learn of wu laogou’s apparent involvement in the wang family plot, since prior to this point, there’s no indication that wu laogou was ever involved with the wang family before the greatest joint tomb robbery in siguniang mountain. it neatly ties into the idea that becomes more and more apparent that wu laogou was actually involved with the wang family and had been on their shit list long before that event ever took place, before getting roped into jiuye's plan, and before wu sanxing and xie lianhuan's own inextricable involvement. this means that the wu family has had personal stakes in this conflict for far longer than wu xie had imagined, and both explains why wu laogou wanted his family out of the business so desperately, and why wu xie insists upon the fact that three generations of his family have been plagued by the wang family in Sand Sea Part II

hei feizi just being an alternate name for “It”/the wang family the older generations used also makes more sense considering these hei feizi never come up in Sand Sea elsewhere or in the story in general that i can tell, and if wu laogou knew that wu xie would have to inevitably confront the wang family given how entrenched the wu family is in this conflict, having a dog like xiaomange who could warn him of their presence and protect him is a trump card he would want his grandson to have 

therefore if you understand that hei feizi actually refers to the wang family, then this last part here also makes more sense, as it infers that che zong is telling wu xie that he’s managed thus far to avoid pinging under the wang family’s radar, but that now they’ve clued into the fact he exists and is assisting wu xie, and in general seem to be trying to close in on wu xie

which taking all of this towards the end of Sand Sea Part IV into account, and considering how that part of Sand Sea ends, all culminates into turning this into the story of the very first time the wang family come out of the shadows and confront wu xie and his party directly instead of covertly watching his every move and guiding him in certain key directions from a distance

so the tldr; of this is that all of this in my opinion strongly points towards the hei feizi simply being another name for members of the wang family, or at least a certain subcategory of them, that the older generations used because they had no other name for what they perceived as a mysterious phenomena, but was actually just a group of people (who by the way are consistently presented throughout Sand Sea as having been trained in much the same ways and have much the same skills as the zhang family) who were extremely skilled at hiding in the shadows, and so i genuinely don’t understand why the apparent consensus that i can tell is that hei feizi is the name for people whose body gets taken over by black-haired snakes. that seems to be more an unfortunate by-product of bao sa dying and being easy prey for snakes who like to incubate their eggs in human flesh than anything

(if you wanted another argument, the wangs are also consistently described by li cu as being “black-clad”, and wu xie compares how xiaoge moves fast to a bat several times, and the wangs are also just as consistently paralleled with skills and abnormal competence that xiaoge and other zhangs have. if they’re skilled enough to end up looking like a “black flying” shadow to their targets then it’s not a weird name choice)

[foulbearobservation]

Thinking about what movies each of the ot4 would like.

Ava spent a lot of time watching those movies that played on cable all of the time. She one spent a night dreaming Die Hard from start to finish. Once She was able to, I think she grabbed that '1000 movies to see before you die' and went to town (while constantly making jokes about how she a little late, since she's died two or three times now)

Bea truly does enjoy documentaries. However, she secretly watches ones about pop culture, for two reasons: a) so she can understand when Ava and Cam start speaking in movie quotes and references, and b) to try to get caught up on the stuff she missed between strict parents, boarding school, and being a nun.

Camila just loves movies. She'll watch almost anything once (more than once if Lilith asks her to). She has a preference for mysteries, because she loves figuring them out before the reveal.

Lilith likes movies with straightforward plots and lots of explosions. Think Jerry Bruckheimer in the late 90s-early 2000s. She likes to turn her brain off and watch pretty people blow things up for 90 minutes. She also secretly likes off beat comedies; finding Airplane!, Clue, and Josie and the Pussycats on tv will derail her plans immediately, so that she can watch them (she whispers every line, with a small genuine smile on her face).

I also think they all love Disney movies, but Camila pre-screens them to make sure nothing is going to trigger them (Encanto sent both Beatrice and Lilith into trauma crisis on first viewing).

⏹️

LILITH CLUE LOVER I JUST KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!!! she 100% deadpan fucks with ava on which is the "true" ending. She spends half a year watching clue when ava's around but watching a different ending each time just to fuck with ava. yes it is minor gaslighting. it's also super fun so she gets a pass.

also camila mystery lover yeah yeah yeah that's my girl!! she makes beatrice watch them with her so they low key compete to figure out the mystery first. current score is beatrice: 7 camila: 15 (beatrice often forgets that movie mysteries are not realistic and therefore the timeline of a mystery so rarely makes sense)

[writingamarie]

17! :)

Pairing: Regulus/Barty

Words: 1166

CW: unhinged Barty, implied murder, muggle au, american au

Quote: #17 "If you love me, you don't love me in a way I understand"

i'm going to call this day 6 of my FICmas challenge!

He hated the Midwest. There was nothing refined or beautiful about fields of green that turned to mud every time it rained. But that was where life had gotten him. It was bullshit, but it was life. Regulus could understand when he thought about all the pieces that came together to form the puzzle of his life. Shitty parents, an absent older brother, bad influences -it all mixed together in a perfect storm to ruin his life. But the thing was, Regulus was smart. He didn’t need someone to come around and explain the new pieces that were falling, he’d seen the final image while it was all still up in the air. 

That was why he was packing a bag. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him when it was time to cut and run. Fuck Barty and the mess he had gotten himself into, Regulus wouldn’t let himself get caught up. Barty was his oldest friend, his boyfriend -for lack of a better term for whatever they were. But more than that Barty was the person that had derailed Regulus’ life at nearly every turn. It hadn’t been a surprise that Sirius had raged about his brother falling down a rabbit hole because of the Crouch kid, although Regulus had been a little more astonished when his parents also disapproved. Barty was from a good family, on paper he was exactly what Regulus’ parents wanted in a partner for him. Except Barty had been far darker than Regulus had known and quickly enough he had been pulled right alongside of him. 

Barty was unhinged, psychotic even -if Regulus had to take a guess. The parties had been fun, the vagabond lifestyle had been beautiful while it lasted, and then it all went to shit. Because Regulus couldn’t talk to someone without it setting Barty off. He couldn’t talk about finishing college or getting a job without insulting something personal within Barty. Regulus had never questioned it, he didn’t mind the life they had made together -or at least he hadn’t.

The plan had been simple. Get the fuck out before anything else could go wrong. There were too many people searching for him from all sides. It was bound to end poorly. The door of his hotel room opened gently, like the manager had used the electronic key to silently allow an invader into Regulus’ space. Regulus was quick, but they were quicker. He lifted his hands but before they could go fully above his head a fist connected with his nose and he fell to the ground.

“Jesus! My hands were up, I surrendered you ass” Regulus groaned as he pressed the back of his right hand to his nose.

“Where is he?”

“I ditched him after I realized you’d been following us for two cities. Your guess is as good as mine. Fuck off, you didn’t have to hit me!”

Sirius’ boot connected with his chest, gently but with enough force to keep him on the ground. It was just enough pressure to act as a warning. His big brother, the tough protector, the terrifying FBI agent, the hunter of monsters. Monsters like Barty -Regulus didn’t need to guess what he’d done. There’d been enough hints and clues to put it all together. But Sirius showing up confirmed it, whatever awful thing Regulus could assume was true. Barty wasn’t just a bad influence that had pulled him into something dark -he’d been an evil influence that whispered from his shoulder about the beauty of the devil. Sirius only hunted some of the worst, his team was known for it. Which meant Barty had become one of the worst and Regulus wasn’t sure why that didn’t scare him more.

“Where would he go?”

“I don’t know, I never understood what he was thinking,” Regulus lied.

The thing about Sirius was, he wanted to fix things with Regulus. He wanted a relationship that more closely resembled brothers rather than the strangers they had become. The fact that it took an investigation for him to pop back into Regulus’ life was the exact thing Sirius had fought to avoid. But even with all his hopes for them Sirius never had taken the time to learn when Regulus was lying.

“I have to meet the team, stay put. I’ll have questions for you.”

“Where else would I go?” Regulus asked innocently as if he wasn’t going to run the moment Sirius left the room. The agents he had undoubtedly stationed around the building wouldn’t be able to stop Regulus.

Sirius left with the promise that they would talk later, an empty promise. All Sirius wanted at the moment was to find Barty. Two cities across state lines -that was at least as far as Sirius had followed them. Which meant his desire to do his job beat out his desire to know his brother. Barty was a target and Sirius wouldn’t let the complication of Regulus’ feelings stop him.

Regulus was right that it was easy to sneak out after. The agents were good but no one had been on the roof. Regulus was able to sneak down the fire escape of the hotel and slip into the traffic of people on the sidewalk. Of all the stupid Midwest cities he had at least thought to stop in the most crowded. He paused, only for a moment to assess where he should go next, when the telephone booth rang out. Barty’s old signal.

Regulus stepped into the booth and prepared to take the call, “Barty.”

“Your brother is quite the pain in my ass. Time to go, Regulus.”

“What did you do?”

“Does it matter? They shouldn’t have touched you, now they can’t touch anybody. Fair’s fair. Let’s go home, Regulus.”

“I’ve seen the news reports, Barty. What you did to them, that wasn’t fair, it was revenge. Revenge over something that didn’t happen.”

“I just love you, Regulus, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Regulus thought of how Barty loved him. The manipulations and difficulties that had popped up between them since they dropped out of school. The pile of bodies and the blood that felt like it was on Regulus’ hands just as much as Barty’s. His love was sharp and painful.

“If you love me it’s not in a way I fucking understand.”

He hung up the phone and grabbed the bag at his feet. He needed to move quickly, if Barty knew the phone booth he was at it meant he had a visual. Regulus was smart; he knew when to cut the strings and run. Barty could love him in whatever violent way he desired but Regulus wasn’t going to be taken down by his brother in the process. Instead, he’d vanish into the wind. It wasn’t hard, he and Barty had managed it before. This time he’d just be alone.

[scary-senpai]

Can you explain garou x saitama? I really don’t see it but I’d like to know your opinion.

Haha, oh my goodness, this was such a lovely ask to get <3 I’m honestly excited to respond (and maybe a little nervous, haha). So, thank you again, beloved nonny, for asking with an open mind. :D

As I mentioned, I’m a bit nervous because the answer is likely weirder than you expect, and that’s because it’s kind of a personal answer? And I (IRL) also tend to be a lot weirder than most people expect. But when it comes to writing, that’s generally the sweet spot, so here goes nothing.

So, I tagged it as Platonic! Garou & Saitama** meaning it’s not romantic or sexual, at least, not in the traditional sense. I could talk for days about what I find appealing--I answered a similar ask on my main blog a few years ago, and my answer is still the same.

** actually I used “x” rather than “&” and in retrospect, I’m not sure if that’s correct. I’ll have to look into it more. But anyway, Garou and Saitama are foils: they have overcome similar obstacles, they grapple with similar despairs—including overwhelmingly strong emotions and/or the perceived absence of them, which is just as conspicuous and painful. I can’t help but feel if their journeys towards physical strength stem from the same place, which is that they are running from questions they don’t want to answer, and parts of themselves they’d rather avoid.

On a lighter note, though, they’re both a little goofy—I like to imagine they communicate almost exclusively in Dad jokes, and I have one scene drafted where they manage to derail a Hero Association meeting this way. You’ll find a lot of stuff under the brotp and sometimes OT3 tag, but more on that later.

In any case, I think that Garou & Saitama’s goofiness stems from the same place: time spent dwelling in dark places. I had a different reaction to That One Panel Where Saitama Threatens to Destroy the World, I thought, “hey, that’s relatable—most people who care deeply about others oscillate between pain and despair and anger, sometimes this results in dramatic outbursts, especially verbal ones; perhaps this will become a talking point later.” Based on later events/context, I no longer think that’s what the authors intended but I don’t think that interpretation is necessarily wrong—the first step to dealing with emotions is to name them. Anyway, I digress.

I myself am actually a gray ace, so when I imagine Garou and Saitama together, I just give them my ideal relationship which is all of the closeness and all of the shenanigans, but none of the sex. Because at the end of the day, I personally just want someone to gently kiss my hand and affectionately whisper “you’re the literal worst” while giving me the deepest and most genuine smile or drive up outside my window, honking and shouting “wake up, loser! We’re gonna spend all day driving around New Jersey doing nice things for people—but first we’re gonna get ice cream.”

(Anyway, if you follow my main blog or read my more personal posts, it is clear that I Have a Type. Like, really really-- I Have a Type.)

Getting back to OPM, though, when I write fics in particular (but also incorrect quotes or headcanons), I write a lot about Garou and Saitama. I think first of all because it’s fun—they’re very strong but they’re also playful. Saitama is a self-professed “hero for fun,” Garou starts out more like a “villain for fun,” and through various interactions—with each other, as well as their respective anchors—they develop an overarching, shared goal that seems initially dissonant…. but in actuality, their visions are very much the same.

Ultimately, they want a safe and peaceful world for everyone, especially the people they care about. Most importantly, they’re trying to both navigate and improve a world that they themselves always seem to peripheral to & outside of; a world that doesn’t appear to be designed for people like them—even before they gained their incredible abilities.

When it comes to their interpersonal dynamics, though, I think that Saitama has this incredible and interesting ability to provoke reactions in other people without intimidating them. That's the role of the "Wise Fool" character, and I believe that's the archetype Saitama falls into. That levity helps others feel safer as they question their own goals and motives. Villains usually serve a similar role in a story--in a good story, they aren't just a plot device; villains challenge us to re-evaluate our assumptions, expectations, and sometimes our values.

...So, Garou does the same thing: he incites others to flip their perspective. But unlike Saitama, he’s deliberately more provocative and more deliberately irreverent. Saitama certainly can be this way, too, but with Saitama it's usually by accident--but then again, it's hard to tell with him. Despite being perceptive and canny, Saitama is often evasive about the things he knows—at the same time, he doesn’t hesitate to get on a soapbox when he feels like he needs to: Saitama wants to save people from themselves as much as he wants to save them from external threats.

…and because Saitama so often ends up in silly situations, it makes him approachable. As we saw with Reigen and Mob in the MP finale, sometimes we serve others best by showing up as our own divinely imperfect, authentically messy self—which Saitama does. Constantly. (And Garou too! I think the most charming thing about his character, when I first encountered him, was the way Garou laughs off various defeats with beautifully insouciant amusement, so delighted to be growing and learning--which is exactly what Saitama wants for himself, and by extension, the sort of person he might gravitate towards).

In the Before Times, when the MA Manga Finale was but a twinkle in the mangaka’s eye, I imagined Saitama and Garou meeting post (WC fight): Garou is working as a delivery guy (of course), and while on break, he hears somebody screaming inside the grocery store he had been stocking. Lo and behold, and it’s Saitama. Saitama is covered in highly corrosive monster goo, watching in horror as all of his coupons disintegrate—along with his clothing. (Spoiler alert: Saitama is not at all concerned with his clothing).

...understandably, the poor, terrified clerk doesn’t want to take Saitama’s money (which is rapidly eating away the counter) and Garou covers his tab. Garou mutters something like, "for obvious reasons, it pains me to see you like this." Saitama interprets this as longing / jealously and pats the kid on the back with an acid-covered hand, assuring Garou the he will also eventually save the world in his own way--maybe even as a hero. (Garou, meanwhile, is thinking "forget about saving the world... I don't wanna live on this planet anymore"). While maintaining full eye contact, Saitama swipes the entire take-a-penny-leave-a-penny jar and vanishes. It's not a meet cute or anything, it's just it's a weird little moment of catharsis and the beginning of their friendship. It is endgame Gearou, though.

When Genos shows up the next morning to pay Garou back, Garou jokingly asks for 150% interest which Genos pays without blinking. ("Sensei's credit rating leaves much to be desired.")

Anyway, I just feel like there are so many opportunities for Saitama to accidentally get Garou to open up about his feelings. I have a rough draft of the “Dr. Saitama” scene where Garou is pouting silently in several inches of mud, pointedly ignoring Saitama until Saitama comes back with that jar of weird-looking eggs in the upper left corner of the shack scene panel. “I didn’t know you could pickle eggs,” Saitama comments. “I thought you could only pickle pickles.”

At which point, Garou snaps, absolutely indignant that this two-bit asshat cannot grasp the concept of a cucumber. My sense is that Saitama did this on purpose--intentionally prodding Garou a bit, trying to help him express his very real, very painful emotions in a way that feels safer, less frightening. I literally never know what Saitama is doing in my fics though. Probably because Saitama doesn't reliably know that, either.

In the same way that Saitama riles Garou up just enough to make him learn something, Garou riles Saitama up just enough to make him emotional--for example, by discerning Saitama's inexplicable fear of elves and adjusting his Christmas decorations appropriately. It's another Gearou fic, but Saitama is--as I always imagine him--just there, living in the same house, being part of their chosen family. I headcanon that they are always arguing about this (“You said you missed having feelings!” “Not these ones!”). It’s just constant, low-level benign trolling in a way that accidentally makes them both into other people.

So, I don’t really have many romantic headcanons or scenarios with the two of them, although I have entertained the idea. And, admittedly, I do have that “BroTP and sometimes ot3” tag. I’ve kind of entertained the idea of some scenario where the three of them are in a polycule? But it has literally always come from a place I never expected, like I fall asleep after editing a Gearou story and then whatever scene I’m workshopping somehow seeps into my dreams… at which point, the characters nitpick everything I’ve got wrong, including the relationship. “They’re not dating. We are. Don’t you see it?” (Ummm… no I don’t? At least not in that particular instance. Because these are not sexy dreams, mind you, just Exceedingly Vanilla, G-Rated anxiety dreams.)

If I hypothetically wrote a romantic and/or NSFW SaiGarou fic, I imagine it might have something to do with the fact that pain is the only emotion Garou allows himself to feel… and Saitama has already seen him at his worst, and, at the same time, hasn’t been phased by it. So I can imagine a situation where Garou knows he has to revisit that part of himself in order to heal and overcome it—that feeling of being broken and vulnerable but also safe and free, and given that he’s probably a bit touch starved you can see how things might progress from there.

Anyway. If something like this shows up on ao3 a year from now, you will know that it definitely was not me.

So, wow, there’s my answer—something like 1.3k words later :-/ if you’re still here, thanks so much for coming to my Ted Talk. I actually did have a little bit of material prepared in hopes that someone would someday ask me a variation of this question, so I’m grateful to you. This was a really nice thing to wake up to, and well-timed because I woke up at 5a and couldn’t get back to sleep. Also, gosh I'm tired. I hope this all makes sense when I wake up, and please forgive any silly spelling mistakes.

Stay safe and well, Friend!

[breaking-binary-system]

I try to not have anything to do with drama, that's not my cup of tea. However, on behalf of a guy who I call a brother, this is something I feel the need to bring up and call attention to (here and on other platforms) due to harassment, victim blaming, attempted sexual advances on someone under the influence, and just nothing truly good at all.

On Tiktok there is a creator named Hitoshi-Laundry, or Hayden per his own Tiktok page. He currently is sitting at 24.4K followers. That sounds impressive however. Hayden and someone he knows were/are working on a web series and enlisted my friend, Eden's, help to know more about DID for the series. Eden asked who they were asking and were informed it was a friend of theirs. Lo and behold, he found out from said friend that they were claiming to be asking him. Eden decided to back out of the project and it started spiraling into what it has become. Hayden has also been keeping Eden's work up on his page and is, in fact, planning on making a profit without giving any of it. While yes that is not technically illegal, it is still a bullshit thing to do. Eden had made the characters art himself and is not going to get any of the profit that Hayden could potentially make. Hayden never even planned on telling Eden this, however for Eden's safety I am not going to talk about where he found it out for him and his source's privacy and safety. Eden ended up confronting Hayden a few days ago at the time of writing this about Hayden's partner claiming that Eden was bullying them over this situation. Here's something to note: anyone who knows Eden can testify that the LAST thing he or his system would EVER do is bully someone. I will not go into details why because he deserves that privacy and to not have that all over the internet unless he wishes for it. Unfortunately for Eden, Hayden did not take it well. At all.

Through screenshots that will be provided in a reblog (just because I am wanting this to be just the text of what happened, since I will be providing ID's for every picture), you can see that the conversation started off polietly with asking about what happened and for proof. The only proof that Hayden ever went off of was his partners (name will be covered for her privacy). It then started to derail from there. Eden pointed out that no alters had spoken to Hayden's partner. The next response from Hayden was to say he was about to have a nervous breakdown. The very very next thing in the screenshot is that Hayden immediately throws it back onto Eden with Eden's partner. I have been told some of how Eden and his partner (name also blurred for privacy) got together. The two didn't do it to spite anyone or out of anger, rather just because the two were happy together and loved one another. Hayden can be seen in the screenshot angry about it, for no real evidence. To quote. "Why do you have to be dating my FUCKING BEST FRIEND! HUH?!! WHY?! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR PROOF." From the screenshots that have been provided, there is quite literally nothing else about why he has such a problem with Eden and his boyfriend. After Eden points out that nothing is going to change between him and his boyfriend, Hayden says he'll show this conversation to Eden's boyfriend to "see what he thinks about him". Mind you I don't see Eden and his boyfriends personal messages but honestly, nothing seems to have changed between the two. That's not all Hayden has done despite how much I wish it was. This next part will have no names other than Hayden's said for privacy because this is something someone deserves complete and utter privacy about. Hayden and a mutual acquaintance had consumed Marijuana and had gotten stoned off of it. That's not the problem here in the slightest. The problem comes from what Hayden tried to do. He had attempted to have sex with the victim, however I have not been told if he kept pushing for it as that is not something I am going to ever ask of a victim. That is their privacy and is not something anyone should ever have to relive. With the same victim from above, they ended up having to go to the hospital for a severe medical emergency which was partly brought on by Hayden. Hayden was able to cause a partial medical emergency that left people concerned for the victims safety. This is all that I know of, let alone anything that could have happened that hasn't been made aware.

Normally I don't concern myself with drama but this isn't just some petty argument. It's how someone and their partner have managed to harass someone, have lied multiple times, have attempted to make sexual advances on someone who was under the influence, planned on making a profit off of someone else's art without giving any profit to said person, and just generally has not been good in the slightest.

[glorytv]

you are now watching hayantv.

park wonbin, twenty2, cis male, he/him.  ───  3, 2, 1 — action!  everyone, we’re here at jincheon national training center, and this time i have with me our national athletics team’s very own kwon hayan. you might know them for placing second for 100m at the 2023 asian athletic championships, but if not, don’t worry. they’re here to field all your burning questions. let’s dive right in.

  thanks for joining us today. so, tell me… 

how does it feel to have been selected for the national team?

“intimidating.” hayan’s smile is wide but there is a nervous tremble to his voice. “a dream come true, please don’t misunderstand, it feels like everything i’ve worked towards as an athlete is being acknowledged but—” he swallows. “intimidating. i want to do the trust that is being extended to me justice. i don’t want to grow complacent, and—” he pauses when he stumbles over his words and takes a moment to inhale, slowly, controlled, as if trying to soothe himself. “it’s a great honour, most of all. and i just really hope i’m worthy of it.”

what strengths do you believe you bring to the national team?

“i’m open-minded, i’d like to think. i’m willing to learn how to do things differently. i– i think that’s important in a team setting.” he scratches his cheek as if uncomfortable with the notion of praising himself too much. “also, you know. i run really fast.”

amazing. addressing a sensitive issue now: the rumors on “105fm.” could you shed some light on any concerning rumors you’ve heard about yourself?

“rumours? i—” the words get stuck in hayan’s throat and his realisation is obvious by the gradual change in his expression. “oh, um— i try not to look into these matters too much. i’d prefer for my actions to speak for themselves.” this time, his smile is strained. “i’m glad the allegations claiming i’m not actually my father’s child but instead related to a member of the national olympic committee were so easily disproven, they were pretty ridiculous.” by his hesitation it’s obvious that he wants to add something, but seems to change his mind last second. “i know that it’s said that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear from gossip, but these sorts of incidents are really intrusive. i hope people think twice before spreading rumours they read online.”

… and, i’m sure your supporters want to hear your thoughts.

how do you stay focused on your training amidst the distractions caused by 105fm?

“i still have to prove myself to the rest of the team, you know?” hayan plays his words off as a cheeky joke but the stiffness of his shoulders betrays a certain truth to them. “i try to remind myself that if i let 105fm derail me i probably wasn’t made for this opportunity in the first place, and that’s the sort of thing my pride doesn’t take well to.” he laughs sheepishly.

i see, i see. i’m afraid that’s all the time we have. thank you so much, congratulations, and best of luck to you and your team. to wrap things up, can you give us a quote?

“your future is what you make it.”

writer info: yui, 21+, they/them, gmt+1

[letterstodreams]

Hero's Journey Derailed

The hero's journey is the classic theme in myth and literature and cultural ideology, of the hero who overcomes great odds and works or wins their way to eventual success, healing or resolution. They are forever transformed in a positive way, triumphing over adversity. The hero's journey theme exists as an expectation through our culture. People are expected to live by it, advice is given along the lines of it, we are judged and excluded as to whether our lives reflect this. But some can't necessarily make their lives fit this story, not even for outer appearance's sake. We are the misfits. (I got this idea, credit where credit's due, from "The Misfit's Manifesto" by Lidia Yuknavitch.)

So where are we going? Is this a hero's journey or if not, then what is the misfit's journey supposed to look like? Or could I even call it a journey at all, or is it something humbler than that? And I was reflecting on all this, when these lyrics popped into my head, from a song which I haven't listened to in some time (though I really love the entire album):

"It's not where you're going, It's what you've been through." - from the song "Ain't Got Nothin'" by Supreme Beings of Leisure

Also in that song: "I got nothing but blues for you. See I ain't got nothing if I ain't got blues."

Then there are other quotes saying things like it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. And, other quotes saying, "It's not about where you've been, it's about where you're going".

So, there are all these different little proverbs and ideas and I can see them all as true in different lights.

But lately I've been thinking about moral relativity and about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Which is about where I'm going. Is it about where I'm going, or about what I've been through, or about the journey, the present moment and each changing twist and turn, wherever it so shall lead? Yes, it is about all that.

That is my current answer, but it leaves me kind of with my hands tied, when it comes to being able to make good choices for what to do with myself. Since I have a very hard time and fail miserably, and repeatedly, when it comes to trying to judge what I need in order to succeed, or just what I need in order to not fall behind back to square one and lose so much progress, or even sometimes, lose myself entirely. It's hard to know how to not unsettle my balance so badly, every time I try to make any forward progress.

I can handle failure, but what I can't handle very well is seeing my life ticking by with urgent needs being neglected because I can't find a way to do what needs to be done. I can' find a way to even attempt doing what needs to be done, without meanwhile knocking myself back so far I'm better off doing little to nothing. This gets me accused of having a bad attitude or just not trying hard enough, but that is the label that people put on those who have problems bigger than what they can handle or advise.

Then some people have this really defeatist attitude, like, sorry, that must be really miserable, I can't help you and I don't expect anything of you either. Don't blame yourself if you fail in every single way possible, and I won't blame you either. Admittedly, the lack of blame and judgment can feel nice, and give a little air to breathe, but it's not enough. I need something to give me some hope and something to move forward towards in my own life, even if it's just the tiniest of steps, something that even I can handle without botching up my whole life trajectory.

The only downside with the whole baby steps approach is that I don't know how far it can take me and I need to have some big changes in my life. At some point I may need it urgently, immediately, on several different fronts all at once. It seems not at all unlikely that will happen sooner or later in my life and then it will be sink or swim. And if I haven't learned to do all these different things well enough, then it just won't be good enough to function, and that's that. Major, possibly ongoing and irreversible dysfunction will be the outcome.

That's when I like the ideas in the lyrics I posted from Supreme Beings of Leisure: "It's not where you're going. It's what you've been through". I can't be judged by all the failures my life is spiraling towards. I can't be judged by all the failures of my past either. The measure of my meaning and value is found in what I've been through. It's found in the inner pain, burden, struggle and effort I've gone through.

I also take comfort in the lyric that says, "I got nothing but blues for you. See I ain't got nothin' if I ain't got blues". I feel sometimes like I can't get rid of my pain, despair, blues, trauma, disillusionment, because, for extended periods of time, it's everything in my world. For long and repeated periods of time, it takes over everything.

Those downward streaks are like wide bands marking all across the wild beast that my life feels itself to be. And within those streaks, I can't feel anything at all if I try to take away those bad feelings. I can't see anything if i try to not look at those things. I can't believe anything if I don't believe in the immense depth and pervasiveness of those things. I can't do anything or feel anything is worth doing, if I can't drown in those states and in those feelings. I've got nothing if I ain't got my misery. Those times pass, but even when they're not present, they color and weigh down and limit my good times because I never know when they'll be back, for how long, or how intensely. I often can't know what will set them off, since the triggers are variable and unpredictable.

All this isn't just a matter of negativity, wallowing, or self-defeat, or learned helplessness, though. In order to process the grief, trauma, and psychological damage, I have to go through this very slow, painstaking, disorienting misery. It might even take years, or even the rest of my life, with all the different strands of grief and trauma that I carry, some of it trauma and grief that is continually re-activated, and that I can't get away from. If other people don't believe it and see that, if even psychologists don't see it, if mainstream religion or spirituality doesn't see it, too bad. This is my reality and I can't deny it.

Psychology has repeatedly admitted its mistakes and wrong assumptions over the years, so I wouldn't be surprised if someday it has a name for my experience, and validates my feelings. But if not, I wont wait around and feel I need them to validate me. I will validate my own experience and feelings. "I ain't got nothing if I ain't got blues", and this is my worth and my salvation, just like some martyr in religion, but not one who religion would recognize. Only my own patchwork religion, maybe, if I can work the seams to fit this piece into the crazy quilt.

But I have trouble with that because experience tells me that I should should on myself. It works better, so much better, when I should on myself. I fail otherwise far more, hurt far more, become so much more disillusioned, misguided and lost. There are many shoulds I have tossed along the wayside so very long ago. Many shoulds others would never dream of letting go of, I have forgiven myself long ago for giving up on. But some shoulds I hold on to, and even if I haven't been able to achieve them yet, thy seem to keep me in the realm of safety.

I steer by the stars far overhead, and my shoulds are like the stars, maybe far out of reach but the only thing I've found that works to guide me. Does it matter that I need another illusion to guide myself by, the same way as I use characters to motivate myself to write, so that I can imagine that I'm helping the character who I imagine is real. When, if the character is even real, I probably am not helping them, they probably don't read this. But it helps me to do the journaling I need to heal myself.

So what if I need to should on myself for unattainable and wrong values that I can't and shouldn't actually reach? Because just saying I want to or I hope to or I'll try to doesn't seem to have the same effect. I should seems to be the only thing that works really well for me this way.

[hermesserpent-stuff]

so total derailment of this that is aimed at USA people specifically, but there's this fun thing called the Legal Tender act of 1863 where 'greenbacks' (our paper notes of today) were declared legal tender.

Theres a lot of history to be talked about that Im not gonna deal with but basically the USA was running out of coins at the time and really needed a cash system

Legal tender, now what does that mean? (preface im not an economist or a lawyer so no quoting me. i am the man on the street corner screaming)

Legal tender is a technical term !~~ and it should be on all the paper money Americans have. It is defined as: coins or banknotes that must be accepted if offered in payment of a debt. It especially means that the government is declaring that this money, is money!! despite not being backed by gold/silver coinage. And it has to be accepted for all debts private or public aside from imports but shushhh I'm focusing here. (depicted below, my main man George Washington and the legal tender note circled on his left))

so technically if someone says, Hi! this ice cream is 5 dollars. and you offer them a five dollar bill for that debt, legally speaking, they have to take it as the currency you are paying with. They cannot insist that you pay with gold equivalent to that amount. There were a few legal cases about payouts where it was reinforced that greenbacks are legal tender (and a scuffle with the supreme court that was resolved later but also shush)

Now where my brain is angy. the places that insist you have to pay with card. I hate them. Sorry a bit biased here. I like cash. it feels more real to spend and also it will always work. No possibility of a chip malfunction or your account being over-drafted with my nice crisp 5 dollar bill!~

And Im talking a brick-and-mortar sort of place for this. and yes I understand the pandemic shifted a lot of stuff. But also. My money should still hold value. The government has it written as legal tender, and thus able to cover my debt. so I'm not sure how these places are getting away with saying it cannot cover my debt. and if they cannot handle cash at their business, I'm gonna be a little mean and say maybe they cannot handle business.

It puts so many problems out there to have all money only be digital. that I'm not going into because, derailment, and also my personal finance course I took a while back will force me to reread stuff. Back to the original point!

Im not sure if anyone has taken these businesses to task over their card only policies. and if they did, its prolly still in the court system nowish. I personally think that the stores should lose for refusing to let the debt be resolved using legal tender. (@ me if there is a legal case, I'm bad with modern news)

But hey! I might be wrong about everything and legal tender means nothing!

(side note, a lot of modern us economics was shaped around 1863ish and again during and post ww1 and ww2, funny how wars do that ey? Also also I'm sorry for my rant. hope it helped someone~

...

I should not late night post.

having cash is like having secret money. like whos gonna find out i’m buying tacos with this crisp $20 bill??? not my bank account, that’s for sure

[khmemeries]

Honest question and KH3 spoilers: Thoughts on Xigbar getting revealed as Luxu?

It was lame and undermined Xigbar's character. His whole arc was totally derailed because Luxu had nothing to do with Xigbar and basically he got hijacked as a way to insert Luxu into the story.

Pre-KH3, I thought he was one of the most interesting KH characters. He's batshit crazy! He's willing to voluntarily become half-Xehanort in BBS, even though he is afraid of Xehanort and lost his eye thanks to him. Can you imagine giving up half your capacity for self-determination to a homicidal maniac? WHY?

What would possess you do to something so insane?

Presumably, he was going to get his hands on a keyblade (maybe Xehanhort's?). That seems to be the implication of the above conversation in the Re:Coded secret ending (but Young Xehanort doesn't know). He tells Terra he plans to get a keyblade in BBS too:

“That thing right there. It’s called the Keyblade, isn’t it? Yep, it seems like these days everybody’s got one of those…even grandpa there.” Braig cast a glance at Master Xehanort behind him, then continued, “When I nabbed him, he told me all about it—what a weapon like that can do. How could I not want one?”

But on the way to his plan, he commits atrocities that haunt him.

Day 117: Him and Roxas

Author: Xigbar

Roxas is maturing at an impressive rate. His face, the way he handles the Keyblade, it's all exactly the same. The worlds seem so divided and alone, but there's always that steady thread there to connect them. And we Nobodies can never escape the things we did as humans. So it goes.

In the Days secret reports, Xigbar writes that Roxas reminds him of Ventus and he can't escape what he did to him. There's always a steady thread there that won't let him forget.

“Pa-ha-ha! Talk about a blast from the past!” Xigbar let out a bark of laughter as he got to his feet. “Of all the faces… Why do I see yours?” ... “Do you always have to stare at me like I just drowned your goldfish?” Xigbar remarked.

Also in Days, Xigbar sees Xion's face as Ventus and mentions "the glare." He complains about Sora doing that in KH2 and KH3 too. It genuinely bothers him because it reminds him of the terrible things he's done.

So he's super selfish and destroys other people's lives for his own ambitions, but he increasingly feels guilt over it. That growing tension has to go somewhere. I think at the end of his arc, he should have learned that he was wrong about this KH3 quote below:

"No good will ever come from putting other people first." Sora is proof that Xigbar is wrong about this. One of the only times Xigbar is openly freaked out is when Sora forces him to confront this belief in Dream Drop Distance:

Sora: I know the Keyblade didn't choose me, and I don't care. I'm proud to be a small part of something bigger--the people it did choose. (Xigbar gasps) Sora: My friends. They are my power! (Behind Sora stand the images of Riku, Kairi, Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Roxas, Xion, Terra, Aqua, and Ventus. They hold their weapons out, facing Xigbar) Xigbar (nervously): Those are just words. You've lost.

Because in KH, friendship is power. Xigbar doesn't do friendship though. He chose to murder and torment people instead. He feels haunted by that. He should have wished he followed Sora's path at the end. Maybe he would be consumed by his guilt, or he would show he changed by putting someone else first for once. Or both.

But instead it was all for funsies because he was the REAL guy in charge the whole time, Xehanort wasn't scary, Luxu set everything up for Xehanort to find him in Radiant Garden I guess, and he did all the murder because he was bored. He lied in his Days reports to be dramatic. He learned nothing and did not develop as a person.