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bambheez · 2 years ago

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tonight is for the two of us (l.hs)

SUMMARY: two lonely people who find comfort in each other’s presence for one night. PAIRING: heeseung x reader GENRE: angst, smut WARNINGS: mentions of character death, grief, depression, insomnia, child and domestic abuse, alcoholism, profanity, light smut WORD COUNT: 5.8k A/N: the way this entire thing screams verbosity but that’s just my style so pls forgive me lol… obviously this is different from what I’ve posted so far in that there’s actual plot and it’s somewhat dark (so please read the long ass list of warnings before you proceed). you can also listen to the PLAYLIST for this story (I am in love with all of these songs)! as always, reblogs/comments/feedback are especially appreciated! :)

Your clammy hands were gripping the steering wheel to the point where your dashboard lights illuminated the whites of your knuckles. As you made your way up the windy roads to the lookout point, void of any streetlamps and relying on your high beams on blast, you were silently thankful for the lack of cars trailing behind you or driving toward you in the opposite direction.

Had you done your research beforehand instead of simply plugging the address into your phone, perhaps you wouldn’t have embarked on this hour-long journey to go stargazing with your colleagues. You suggested carpooling to no avail, having to face your absurd fear of driving not only at night but also on sketchy, unfamiliar roads.

A slight crane of your neck to the right brought you a view of the city’s skyline in the distance, a hazy glow amidst a sea of black, and you wished you could teleport back to the comfort of the bright, bustling city. The mere thought of having to drive back down this same path later had you letting out a deep groan.

A sudden interjection of your phone’s navigation app announcing that you were arriving at your destination in 100 feet caused you to whip your head back in focus, scanning the parking lot as you approached the top of the mountain.

Your car was the only one in the vicinity, save for a camper van with none of its lights on, looking particularly worn-down and deserted. You parked in a random empty spot, unplugging your phone from its charging port before stepping out into the brisk air. Spotting a bench near the lookout point, you took long strides up across the parking lot and up the hill, plopping down to sit and fishing your phone out of your pocket to check your notifications.

You were surprised to find an empty home screen, expecting a “sorry, we’ll be a few minutes late” in your group chat seeing as it was over ten minutes past the time you were meant to arrive. You dialed the number of the coworker who invited you and you heard her voice come onto the line after three long rings.

“Hey! What’s up?” she was nearly screaming over sounds of at least a dozen other people talking.

“What’s your ETA?” you were muttering, already having a bad feeling of what she was about to say.

“H-huh? Oh, it’s supposed to rain tonight, so we canceled! Sorry, I thought we told y–” you were tearing the phone away from the side of your face and hanging up before she could finish her sentence.

A miserable chuckle escaped your mouth as you took note of the thick clouds hanging over the sky and brought your feet up on the bench, hugging your knees and resting your back against the wood. You weren’t sure why you expected anything else.

You thought perhaps moving across the country to a big city would put an end to the dread of a thousand tomorrows, none of them promising any semblance of change, but the truth was you never felt more alone than when you were standing in the midst of a busy crowd surrounded by towering skyscrapers and blinding lights—a single drop in the ocean.

There was no way to describe it other than a vice on your heart, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant, dull ache. A black hole that threatened to swallow every part of you until all that was left was a human shaped shell, too numb to feel the pain anymore.

There were nights you unwillingly let it control you, and all you could do in those long hours was find an enclosed place to shake until the tears subsided. The vast, open darkness in front of you made you wonder just how many people were out there feeling the same way you did.

Some old acquaintances had promised to stay in touch, yet what you heard from them was comparable to radio silence, their smiles and efforts merely pixelated and small yellow faces that stopped coming whenever your world fell apart—which was often.

Trudging to get past each day made you realize just how much of your world had revolved around one person—one last connection with a life that used to be. You couldn’t tell her when your local tea shop came out with her favorite lychee drink, when you listened to a song that reminded you of her, how you saw someone on the subway reading a book she had recommended you, or how you overheard a couple arguing over the proper way to load a dishwasher, the very thing you had repeatedly bickered about as college roommates.

And now that she was no longer in this life, you were constantly questioning your purpose, even occasionally wondering if you were meant to be alone. Was this what the universe had planned for you? You weren’t sure you believed in multiple soulmates, so what happened when yours left you?

If you miss me, just look at the stars. She would always sign the text with a ‘;)’ at the end and you would mock her with a scoff, replying with or I could just call you, dumbass.

Without realizing, you were already bringing up your history of text messages with her, scrolling through the endless one-sided green texts, each decorated with a delivery error message. Your fingers were hovering over the keyboard while the pulsing blue line stared back at you.

“Where are you?” you were wailing out, wincing subsequently at the unexpected echo and crack in your voice. The thundering in the distance seemed to answer you, but you wished the stars were out so that you’d at least know she was watching over you. You couldn’t help but feel that the cloudy skies meant she couldn’t see you, or worse, look out for you. A droplet landed on your cheek and your eyelids fluttered shut at the feeling. You weren’t sure if they were your tears or hers.

It was the end of the week and you somehow found yourself making your way up the mountainous roads again, remembering coming home last time with extraordinary peace of mind despite the frazzled state you arrived in. You weren’t sure what it was, but it was pushing you to get out of the city once again.

The air was noticeably cooler than it had been last week, and you were scanning your backseat for any signs of a sweater, sighing inwardly when you found none. It was warm when you left your office earlier in the evening and you mentally cursed at yourself for not checking the weather yet again.

You contemplated staying in the car with the heat on, but a glimpse of your glowing fuel light had you rolling your eyes in disappointment for being so forgetful and inattentive on top of the countless other flaws you felt you carried.

You were making your way toward the empty bench again, spotting the camper van in the same parking spot. You assumed it hadn’t moved since the last time you were here, most likely having been abandoned. There were considerably fewer clouds in the sky today and you beamed at the view of the small specks of white splattered against the darkness.

“Give me a sign that it’ll all be okay, please,” you spoke while eyeing the stars above you, some brighter than others. Your hair flew in the wind, draping across your face as goosebumps formed on your arms as you prepared to let the rest of your thoughts out. You didn’t remember closing your eyes, but the sound of footsteps approaching had you instinctively opening them and straightening your back and you suddenly felt a weight on your shoulders, gasping to find someone draping their flannel jacket over you.

“Sorry if I scared you,” he spoke against the wind. “You seemed cold.” A boy, now in a plain black shirt, was making his way around the other side of the bench to sit down next to you. He left considerable space between the two of you, which you were silently thankful for.

You spun around to see where he had parked, not having noticed another car arrive and when you saw nothing but your own car and the camper van, you felt a chill run down your spine. Alarm bells should’ve been going off in your head, but you were seemingly more concerned with the fact that he had most likely seen you in your most vulnerable state, crying out into the open void like a lunatic, not only once, but twice now.

When he felt you staring, he turned his head only to briefly make eye contact with you before glancing back down at his lap. His skin was a pretty shade of olive, the tip of his nose illuminated by the hazy moonlight. You took in the rest of his appearance—worn sneakers with one of the laces untied, ripped jeans, and shaggy hair that covered his eyes, and you found yourself resisting the urge to run your fingers through his locks.

“Why do you keep coming here?” he was asking, picking his head up once more to look at you.

You weren’t so sure yourself. Maybe it was the fact that this was the only place where you didn’t have to pretend. You didn’t know if you wanted to talk to her, to yourself, or to the universe in general; you didn’t know if you wanted to scream or cry or sit in complete silence. All you knew was that after a particularly bad day at work, you were taking the exit off the highway without thinking, almost as if you had taken this same exit a hundred times before.

“I could ask you the same,” you chuckled. There was an awkward pause, and you were realizing that he wasn’t going to answer you.

“I’m here to u-uh, stargaze.” You were telling the truth, at least partially.

“Stargazing’s not the best here, with the light pollution and all,” he replied. You hummed, unsure how to respond. He noticed your hesitation and was rubbing his palms against the black denim of his jeans before clearing his throat.

“‘m Heeseung, by the way.” At first, Heeseung found himself slightly annoyed at the fact that you had disrupted his peace and not-so-secret hideout spot, observing you from his van while you mumbled to yourself on the bench.

“I travel in my van, but ‘m running low on money.” He was rubbing the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed to admit the fact. “The parking here’s free, so…” he trailed off, regretting it immediately after stating the obvious.

As he got a better look at your face up close, he saw that a small frown seemed semi-permanently etched on your face, which he could tell you were hopelessly attempting to correct as he studied you. A wave of guilt washed over him upon registration of his untimely intrusion, realizing that you would probably prefer to be alone right now due to the blatant evidence that you were pretending to look less dejected in front of him.

You were briefly introducing yourself as someone new to the city, not knowing what else was interesting about you and accidentally slipping in the fact that you ‘didn’t really have any friends’, teeth chattering slightly even with his jacket resting over your frame.

“Did you want to sit in my van instead?” Your frown was faltering when your lips parted in surprise at his request. He contemplated adding a lighthearted comment about not being a serial killer to reassure you, but you were already trailing behind him as he stood up. You could tell he was tall when his legs were stretched out next to yours while sat next on the bench, but he was even taller than you’d imagined when he was standing up, even with a slight hunch in his posture.

Heeseung peered over his shoulder to catch you struggling to keep up with his longer strides, still clutching onto the collar of his jacket over your right shoulder and he let a soft smile adorn his face as he slowed his pace to match yours. He was rounding the front of his van to open the passenger side door for you but you were already cutting in front of him, hopping up on the door sill clumsily.

You let yourself into the passenger side, holding the jacket out to Heeseung who was still staring at you through the driver side window. He opened the door and pulled himself into the seat, reluctantly taking the jacket from you and tossing it on some unknown surface of the van behind him.

He turned on the ceiling light of his van and began blasting the heat after noticing that you were sitting on the backs of your hands. His fingers were fiddling with the knobs on the CD player to turn on soft, lullaby-like piano music and you made a poor attempt at stifling a laugh. For some reason, you expected him to be into rock music and found the unexpected contrast endearing.

Heeseung shot you a confused look at the sound and you simply shook your head and waved it off, a small smile still playing on your lips. You couldn’t put your finger on what it was, but you felt a strange sense of comfort in his presence.

For the first time that night, you were taking a closer look at his features. Underneath his bangs were eyes that carried both fervor and innocence and lips that were held in a constant, soft pout. He was chewing on his bottom lip, eyes darting around the space in front of him at the feeling of you staring at him so intently. He shook his head so that his bangs were falling over his eyes again in one swift movement before thinking of something to say to take your attention off his face.

“I dropped out of college when I was 18,” he was muttering, trying to gauge your reaction from his peripheral view before continuing. “And then I ran away from home to travel.” He was leaving out key details like the fact that he didn’t necessarily run away from home with the goal of traveling but instead began traveling because he simply had nowhere else to go.

When he came home after his first semester with an official diagnosis from his university’s health center, his family refused to let him seek therapy or any other form of help. With a father who was never home and a mother who went as far as threatening to disown him if he didn’t return to school the following semester, Heeseung wasn’t left with much of a choice.

You were surprised that he was even sharing this much with you. Your heart tightened at the thought of him being alone in the world at such a young age and his lack of a support system, seemingly more alone than you were. He was considerably better than you at concealing his loneliness and you hated that fact, not because you wanted to be better at it but because you knew just how much effort it took.

Heeseung could barely remember what it was like to have his father around, the only seemingly harmonious moments spent with him before he started grade school fleeting and long forgotten. The bulk of his adolescence was spent resenting his father for the way he treated his mother, where his father would appear through the front door every few months or so in one of his drunken episodes, an empty bottle of liquor already in hand.

He almost always knew when it was happening, the rummaging through the cabinets and refrigerator for alcohol reverberating through the house and to his room. He couldn’t understand why his mother wouldn’t stop restocking the house with it or why she wouldn’t change the locks or take his father’s keys or even file for a divorce, and he couldn’t help but despise her weakness and inability to stop pitying her husband.

“Look who decided to finally show up for his mother,” the older man seethed, breath reeking from the drunken stench.

A particularly loud argument had Heeseung flying down the stairs, the sound of a glass bottle breaking causing his mother to let a scream out of her mouth. He took in his father’s appearance, unshaven and eyes bloodshot with a lazy smirk playing on his lips. A look off to the side at his mother with tears streaming down her cheeks was suddenly leading to punches being thrown and knuckles growing bloodied. A harsh shove from his father caused him to lose his balance and tumble onto the wooden floor.

“Maybe ask yourself why you’re defending a fucking cheater instead,” his voice boomed through the living room. A puzzled expression took over Heeseung’s face as he turned toward his mother who winced both at the sound of her husband slamming the door as he left and the way her son ran his tongue over his busted lip, eyes beginning to gloss over.

After finally grasping the fact that his mother was not the person she made herself out to be and what pushed his father over the edge over ten years ago, Heeseung, who had always stuck close to her growing up, attempting to make up for the lack of his father’s presence, began growing increasingly distant from her as he finished his final years of high school. The very thing he swore he wouldn’t touch in his life was the only thing he took with him and stashed in his van the night he left.

He was wrapping his hand around the nearly empty beer can in his cup holder from the thought of his childhood memories and shooting a pained expression your way at the paled look on your face, eyes pooling with concern and he tried to perceive it as anything but pity.

“I honestly don’t mind it much,” he was saying, but an unfamiliar look was flashing across his eyes and even though you barely knew him, you felt like you could see right through him.

He was redirecting his gaze out the windshield. He had used the North Star almost as a source of direction in his travels for the past few years, as cliche as it sounded. Tonight was the first night it was visible in the two weeks he had been parked here, deciding to camp out in the deserted park until it reappeared and he had saved enough money from his part-time job in the city.

The North Star appeared noticeably brighter tonight, a beacon in the middle of the night shrouded in shadows and Heeseung was suddenly wondering whether it was a coincidence that you were here with him at this very moment, whether you were the very person who hung the North Star for him in the night sky, guiding him toward a purposeful destination, or whether you were the destination itself. He was shaking his head at the intrusive thought as you followed his line of sight.

The heat blowing throughout the van was fogging up the windows and blocking up your view of what he seemed to be focusing his gaze on. Heeseung watched as you turned in your seat, moving your body to face the passenger window with one leg folded up on the cushion. You were bringing your fingers up to touch the glass, slowly drawing a heart with your index finger and peering through the clear traces at the sky.

Heeseung, nowhere near intoxicated from his built up tolerance over the years, took one last sip of his drink, still not taking his eyes away from your side profile and subtle movements as you immersed yourself in your own world for the second time that night. He was turning to his own window to mirror your actions, outlining a much sloppier heart on the glass. By the time he finished and spun around to face you, you were already watching him with a beam, the apples of your cheeks rosy.

You were suddenly bursting into laughter, your brain on autopilot as you leaned over the center console to fix his drawing. You were practically pushed up against him with your hand resting on his thigh as you drew over his sketch on the window, adding a dozen more hearts around the first and filling up the rest of the fogged glass with your doodles. Heeseung was noticeably stiffening under you, attempting to distract himself from his quickening heart rate by picking at the fraying of his jeans on the leg you weren’t perched on.

You leaned back to admire your silly artwork for a few seconds before glancing over at him and noticing Heeseung’s eyelashes fluttering delicately, still reeling from the sudden physical contact. Upon noticing the close proximity, you were removing your hand from his lap and bringing it back into your own, leaning into the seat again and you could feel the heat evident on your face, knowing it must’ve been even more apparent to him. He was no better at concealing his own expressions as his sheepish smile faltered, feeling abnormally disappointed in the sudden loss of contact.

Still in a daze, Heeseung was reaching behind him to grab a can of beer, holding it out in front of you while his eyes were trained on the single heart drawn on the passenger side window. He held back a grimace as he realized that he’d done so without thinking, hoping you hadn’t caught on to his dependency. You accepted his offer without hesitation, wiping the rim of the opening with the bottom of your shirt and popping open the tab, taking gulps at a much faster speed than you were normally used to.

Your head was still spinning with the thought and feeling of the burn of your fingertips against his thigh. You both drifted into a comfortable silence, the music no longer playing since the CD player in his rundown van didn’t have the ability to auto loop tracks or albums and the hammering of his heart against his chest seemed almost too loud for you not to notice. Heeseung thought about taking out the disk and replacing it but decided against it, not wanting to disrupt the stillness of the air around you.

Your lips formed a small frown as you saw clouds beginning to shape. You thought it was the alcohol deceiving you, but you blinked a few times and the clouds were still there.

“I hate the rain because it means I can’t see her. It makes me think that she’s crying,” you suddenly whispered, breaking the silence. You could feel his gaze fall to you as he fell out of his trance, but he didn’t ask who, just simply nodded.

His reaction made you freeze in your spot, realizing you had most definitely overshared beyond an imaginary boundary. You almost wanted to apologize for it before you were saying the next thing that came to your mind.

“Have you ever fallen in love?” you were abruptly blurting out.

He was quirking his brow in amusement. “Come on, I can barely fall asleep,” he laughed softly but not without a somewhat pained expression behind his eyes. You had assumed it was a joke, but the sincerity in the way he observed you told you it wasn’t. Your eyes widened before you were nodding softly and returning a weak smile, taken aback by his confession.

“Don’t worry about it,” he was brushing it off. “You?”

You were staring out the windshield again for a few moments, lost in your thoughts before responding, “A lot of unrequited love, if that counts.”

You began to explain how you had never been in a relationship, not because you didn’t want to, but because it was seemingly out of your control. You presumed that the time you spent on this earth loving romantically without any reciprocation had somehow altered your brain chemistry to truly believe that you were meant to be alone from the very beginning, and you were often wondering which would hurt more, to have had true love and lost it or to never have had it at all. Dwelling over the fact that you had already experienced some form of both made your situation seem all the more ridiculous.

It didn’t go unnoticed by him the way you were flighty in your thoughts, jumping to one without finishing the other. As a result of the accumulation of thoughts you created when you were alone, all the things you would talk to yourself about came spilling out.

Your mind went on talking even when you were alone. And when you ran out of storage, the thoughts needed to come out somehow. Partly due to your insecurities you hoped that by talking more, you’d be accepted and loved by someone—it hadn’t proved itself to be a successful method in the past and you weren’t sure it ever would be.

“I give, and give, and give. That’s all I do,” you continued, your voice now uneven and trembling slightly. “I give until I have nothing left. I’m terrified of the love I have because I know it will ruin me—it already has, and I know I will continue to let it.”

You were heaving out a sigh of relief at the massive weight being lifted off your chest, still feeling a sort of emptiness but a strangely pleasant lightness associated with it. Even then, you were perplexed by your own eagerness to share your entire life story to someone you met just hours ago, partially blaming the alcohol for how unfiltered you became and you couldn’t tell what Heeseung was thinking from the stoic look on his face and his big doe eyes blinking back at you.

It most definitely wasn’t a feeling of pity, that he knew. It felt almost like a weakness in the heart—like his heart wasn’t working properly—a fleeting lightness that passed through him, being simultaneously lulled to sleep by a single gesture and set on fire by your every touch.

Your eyes were glossed over, from your lengthy outpour or intoxicated state Heeseung wasn’t certain, but he held not a single ounce of doubt of the amount of love you held. Unsure of what came over him, he was resisting the urge to lean over and cup the sides of your face and tell you that even in his broken, wretched state, he was willing to accept anything you had to give and return everything and more.

“It’s really late. I can drive you home,” he was offering. He convinced you he was sobering up with a lazy smile plastered on his face, yet you couldn’t help raising your brows at the slight flush of his cheeks and numerous empty beer cans in the cup holder.

“I think I’d rather stay here,” you were speaking nonchalantly before turning to look at him with what Heeseung thought he saw were literal stars in your otherwise cloudy eyes. At the implication of your words, he could feel and hear his heart beating at a pace so fast it rang through his ears. As much of an open book as you were, he didn’t expect that from you and you even stunned yourself as the words left you, mouth now agape as you stared back at him.

You wanted to blame your lack of sobriety yet again but you knew that the flood of emotions had put your mind in a remarkable state of clarity. His calmness—how he listened and watched attentively without any questions, just simply looking at you with a fondness in his eyes—fastened you with a sense of immense trust in him.

Thankfully, he was quickly nodding and turning around to turn on the lights that lit up the rest of his van. In contrast to his somewhat rugged appearance, his space was neat and cozy and it amazed you how few belongings he had; everything fit in his van and there was almost no clutter. The only hint of personality and life you could find was the guitar hanging over the bed, and you were smiling to yourself knowing he at least had music to accompany him.

Heeseung had suggested cooking some ramen for you, but you simply shook your head with a sleepy smile and told him you weren’t hungry. He didn’t say anything as he clambered on top of his sheets and patted the spot next to him. There wasn’t much space in the van for anything other than a bed and a small stovetop and you were skeptical there would be enough room for you to both lay comfortably.

You fit yourself on the mattress between him and the back door while he crawled under the covers, pushing his pillow toward you behind your back and grabbing an extra one from beneath the bed for himself. You were still sat leaning against the side of the van as you contemplated your next move, wondering whether you should prioritize comfort or decency and you squirmed at the thought of your dirty jeans on someone else’s sheets.

A brief glance at Heeseung, who was lying on his back with his eyes closed and hands resting over his stomach, had you quickly tucking yourself under the blankets and unzipping your jeans, pulling them down and kicking them over your ankles. You were shuffling downward and placing the now folded jeans beside your pillow, facing away from Heeseung as you pulled the covers up to your chest.

You couldn’t tell but Heeseung had visibly stiffened, eyebrows now slightly furrowed in concentration as he attempted to fall asleep, willing himself to think about anything other than you and your presence inches away from him. He was staring at the ceiling, breath uneven at how you were so similar in the way you craved connection yet different in the sources of your troubles and the way you coped—one capable of giving anything and one who didn’t know how to give at all.

You felt the bed dip and you could hear Heeseung shuffling around behind you, his heavy breathing against your neck telling you he was now facing you, and still lying on your side when you felt his fingers graze across your hip bone.

The heat radiating off his body behind you was seeping into your own skin, slowly building into a burn before you were flipping yourself over to face him and immediately thrown off by just how close he was. A slight lean forward from either of you would close the gap, and your eyes were unconsciously flickering down to his lips at the thought.

You were pulling yourself flush against him, savoring the feeling of your bodies pressed so closely together, resting your head in the crook of his neck and he let out a sharp gasp from above you. You could feel his heart beating underneath your palms as you moved your hands across the expanse of his chest. A slight crane of your neck and you were tentatively placing your lips against his jaw, a shaky breath of Heeseung’s fanning your face from the action.

As your kisses moved from his jaw down to his neck, his mouth was parting softly, lifting his head into the pillow to provide you with more access. One particularly harsh suck against his collarbone had him surging forward for more, latching onto the hem of your shirt and fingers hesitantly grazing the waistband of your underwear.

Heeseung was then leaning forward onto his elbows, the hand that was previously slotted between your bodies wrapping around your shoulder to pull you up and level to him, bringing you into a gentle kiss that caused the hairs on your arms to raise.

It overwhelmed you how thrilling yet calming it felt to be kissing him. You were completely drinking him in, the touch of his skin against yours heating up the pits of your stomach and causing shivers to wrack through you and simultaneously taking your mind off of everything else.

He was gentle with his touch, but his lips were rough and chapped and he was kissing you with so much longing and desperation that for a second, you contemplated whether this was his first time kissing someone, craving any and every bit of physical contact. You quickly dismissed the thought as he took advantage of your inattentiveness with a swipe of his tongue against your bottom lip, your lips parting slightly, allowing him to slip his tongue into your mouth skillfully.

Your stomach churned and you were writhing under his touch from the way your tongues intertwined, a pit of heat rising in your lower stomach. Heeseung was letting out a choked whimper at the feeling of your hands reaching underneath his shirt, smoothing over the skin of his stomach.

“You okay?” you were whispering as you pulled back, hands coming up to cup his cheeks. He held your gaze for a few seconds, both delicacy and sharpness etched in his features, before his lashes fluttered and he was shaking his head, burying it in your neck. Your hands were sliding along his scalp to soothingly stroke his hair, heart aching at the vulnerability and rawness with which he looked at you.

It wasn’t clear whether the cause of his feverish state was from the simple presence of you in his arms, but something told you that you should’ve seen it coming when the way he looked at you gradually began changing as the hours progressed.

You were pulling back and placing one last, soft kiss against his lips, lingering for a few moments too long before wrapping your arms around his torso in a tight embrace and rubbing his back gingerly.

Heeseung was redirecting his attention out at the sky through the back window, foolishly looking for you and him in the stars. Some stars gradually dim and lose their luster, and on a rainy night, you might never see them again.

You weren’t thinking about what would happen when the stars faded and the sun rose, or when you would see him again—you didn’t need to see him or be physically near him to feel him. Your subconscious was finding comfort simply from the feeling of his chest pressed against yours, your thumb rubbing circles over his shirt while you listened to Heeseung's soft breathing and the sound of the rain beginning to fall against the windows.

A/N: the bolded quote is based on something I saw on twitter: “I’m scared of the love I have for you. Because I know it will ruin me. And I also know that I will let it. I love hard.” but I couldn’t find the source, so credits to the original owner.

#enhypen #heeseung #lee heeseung #heeseung angst #heeseung smut #enhypen angst #enhypen smut #lee heeseung smut #lee heeseung angst #heeseung x reader #heeseung imagine #heeseung scenario #enhypen imagine #enhypen scenario #enhypen heeseung #heeseung hard hours #lee heeseung imagine

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lovemybluebully · 3 months ago

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Masterlist

Thought maybe I oughta make one of these pinned posts so people can find my fics easier. 😁 They are all tickle fics btw so if you don't like that kind of thing then this is not the blog for you. lol They are of the SFW variety though.

Currently obsessed with Deadpool and Wolverine.

Just gonna list my new DP/W fics here below the cut and then put a link to the page with all my other fics. 😎

Listing newest fics at the top here.

Santa Always Comes Through - Logan's nightmares of his past are keeping him from getting any sleep, so Wade comes up with the perfect Christmas gift for him. Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

Feels Like Home - Logan has become downcast about the prospect of moving into a new apartment. Wade offers a foot massage to help him destress and.....You already know where this is going. 🤣 Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

All Hail Queen Bea! - After a comment from Logan induces some ticklish consequences, Wade finally gets the confirmation about his friend that he suspected all along. Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

Wakey Wakey - Wade gets Logan out of bed in the best way possible. 🤭 Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

It's For Science - Wade gets it into his head that maybe not all humans have the same number of rib bones. His logic being that since Logan has a shorter body then he may be an exception. Unfortunately for Logan this is far too ticklish of an experiment for him to bear. A small bit of ticklish!deadpool at the end too. Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

Over My Dead Body - Logan just wants to watch the game, but Wade can’t help but mess with him and discovers he’s ticklish in the process. Logan is pissed at first, but eventually comes to terms with the benefits and has a life altering epiphany. Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

A Small Lapse of Judgement - Logan is adjusting to his new residence in Wade’s apartment. And that includes enduring his countless tickle attacks against him. But then Wolvie decides it’s time for a little payback. Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

How To Pet a Wolverine - Wade makes an irresistible discovery about Logan during their brawl inside the van. Deadpool and Wolverine-verse M/M

Here's the drawing I did of Wade tickling Logan. 🤭 I have other tickle art I've posted on here if you look hard enough. lol

And the other one I did here of Wade giving Logan ticklish raspberries to his tummy. Heheh, he likes it. 😊

And below is the link to the rest of my fics. All SFW. Mind you some of them are around 10 years old and may not be written that great so proceed at your own risk. lol I mainly wrote for the cartoon/comic versions of X-men (99% being Wolverine lol I love him 🥰), Venom, Punisher and The Wolf Among Us. Got one random Overwatch story in there too.

Tickle Fics Here! All fluffy, SFW stuff.

I have a Deviantart account as well but warning that there is some NSFW stuff I've posted on there over the years. I am an adult woman and do find tickling to be a kink in very specific situations. 90% I don't though, and I just enjoy tickling as a cute, fun, bonding activity between friends and lovers. I'm not gonna link my DA here. If you're interested, I'm sure you'll be able to find it.

#tickle fics #masterlist #sfwtickles #deadpool and wolverine

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spectral-devotee · 5 days ago

Text

Cross-posted from my AO3 fic

Link to Chapter 02

Word count: 3,280

Birds of a feather

Summary:

A fic following Viktor’s arrival to the University of Piltover after Doctor Heimerdinger offers him a job as his assistant.

As required by the Piltovian bureaucracy, some paperwork is inevitable (honestly somewhat unnecessary too). During a medical check-up Viktor discovers he is an Alpha and starts a treatment meant to help his overall health improve. Meanwhile two students in the Engineering and Architecture schools are making a name for themselves. Will they come to meet Viktor at the perfect time to make his whole life change for the better?

Jayce and Eda (Reader) team up to join the Distinguished Innovators Competition in hopes of creating a better world when an explosion in Jayce’s workshop turns their world upside down. Jayce is expelled and Eda’s political ideas sit badly with the council members. They both need someone to hold them together and help them make their Hextech dreams come true. A certain assistant is up to the task, though.

Notes:

Hiii! Long time lurker first time poster. Sorry in advance, english isn't my first language so I had to investigate many academic terms. Feel free to correct me if you see anything too weird in that regard.

This first chapter is very Viktor-centric, but I will try to mix it up throughout this work. 3rd and 2nd POV bc it’s easierrrr lol. Also, I intended to make Reader just fit in the story with no alterations to the base material, but ended up accidentally making her Salo’s half-sister and giving her way too much backstory to not do anything with it.

No use of y/n bc it takes me out of it, the name Eda is given to Reader. Get it? reADEr = EDA. I know, brilliant. AFAB pronouns and anatomy for my bby girl, but other than that no further descriptions of Reader’s body will be given

I started this fic before season 2 started airing + I have a really bad memory so many details may be off until further editing.

Yes I love myself some self-shipping ABO, it adds to the flavor (It is also a great excuse to write lots of physical contact for my boys, they need a hug or two)

Likes, reblogs and comments are welcome and appreciated!

Chapter 01: Where Viktor's life started to change

Nothing had ever belonged to Viktor, not really, not completely. As a child one could make the case that his clothes or toys would be of his ownership, but Viktor always saw them as hand-me-downs in the best scenario, but he had no ill-will against his parents or his siblings in that regard. His parents had been too busy trying to keep their family afloat in Zaun’s sea of misery even before he was born. Too many mouths to feed, too little food to go around. He was glad they even tried to make something out of their situation, even if only he had a chance to get out of the depths.

Viktor turns to look at his bedside table. The clock reads 3 am, far too early to wake up yet. He sighs. It’s not often that he stays still in his bed while not plagued with insomnia.

It’s those nights where he lets himself remember his life before Piltover.

He remembers many children coming and going in the little community along the contaminated lake he used to call home. He knew some names, his siblings particularly, the others he tried to guess right. He’s not sure how many they were let him forget how many people he saw die due to the polluted waters, the only thing he’s sure of is that was the youngest amongst them. When the time came for his scent and denomination to show, the other children would make comments on his very faint cinnamon smell, nothing worth mulling over.

Only a few years prior his mother became very ill due to an undiagnosed loss of mobility, most likely a result of many years in poor living conditions. After she died, his father became a sight less and less prominent around the house, leaving him and his siblings to fend for themselves, admittedly not unusual in Zaun. What little food he got was thanks to his sisters, the clothes he shared were his older brother’s. Viktor knows some toys were stolen from unsuspecting pilties, though he prides himself in the modifications he made to them at such a young age.

Just then the alarm sounds and Viktor opens his eyes to see the weak rays of sunlight seeping through the curtains. The almost sterile room stares back at him, the papers scattered along the floor the only hint of his stay aside from the bed he was currently occupying.

The school administrators had given him a temporary permit for a house close to the Academy in the Masters’ villa, a place reserved for the school’s staff to live in. As one would guess, it’s a single floor house with a living room, kitchenette, bathroom, and bedroom.

All the furniture is still arranged exactly as it was given to him, a small sofa next to an empty shelf in the living, a closet full with ironed uniforms in his room area, a personal bathroom complete with a tub and a mirror, a vanity where he kept most of his medicines, and finally a corner to the very back of his room intended for nesting. It’s not his to dispose of, he thinks; four days is all too soon to even attempt to make a nest. He won’t even consider it until his legal academic situation is secure.

The news on his applications to different scholarships are pending. Accommodation, a salary of sorts according to the position of assistant, and his complete medical record are a few of the things he is currently taking care of. Heimerdinger has told him multiple times his stay in the University of Piltover is stable, that there is no need to keep acting frugal. Still, there’s something inside his mind that won’t let him relax and enjoy his new “home”.

Whatever is left of his cinnamon and oakwood scent is lost to the vastness of the empty space and he starts his morning routine. Delicate fingers grab the cane next to his bed and he proceeds to the bathroom where he stands as tall as he can while looking at his reflection in the mirror. He takes note of the scars and bruises left in that leg. With better conditions in his living quarters came less damage done by accident, not to his surprise.

He took a few pills and washed them down his throat with tap water. One is for the pain, another is for the stress, the third is for the coughs he is prone to.

The fourth pill is the one he is hesitant about.

Whenever Heimerdinger found him and offered to accept him as his assistant, he was sure to take Viktor to a (well-needed) full-body medical checkup as one of the enormous amount of requirements the academy has.

The Piltovian doctors informed him of some things he already knew, or at least expected: his leg was in terrible condition due to the many years unattended, and he would need to use several orthopedic appliances as his condition advanced.

Some other things he found out right then and there, for example: turns out he is an alpha, and his previous intake of unprescribed, questionable-at-best, and (sometimes) down right illegal remedies were taking a heavy toll on his body, and most importantly, his endocrine system. The beta doctor prescribed him with lighter-use suppressants while his body adapted to the dosage and everything settled down.

To be fair this would have not been that great of an issue had he been a beta, as he thought himself to be. The intake of various medicines was a way to make his body able to navigate the undercity, helping his eyes and lungs adapt better to the polluted air. Unbeknownst to him, it was also the reason why he never presented the usual symptoms of an Alpha in the making.

The usual characteristics of an Alpha were lost to him: he wasn’t tall nor strong, maybe somewhat protective, but not enough to ring any bells. Comparatively, he was almost scent-less, he didn’t go through any heats, nor any ruts. Even if his libido was slightly higher than Betas his age, a knot was not visible.

Today happened to be the first day of a several-year plan where Viktor would try out decreasing doses of suppressants meant to aid his body adapt to normal rut cycles. One of the doctors insisted on this treatment due to the success in alphas that seeked to form a pack. He made sure to make his annoyance clear to the doctors, insisting that he did not, in fact, seek to form a pack, but they assured him this was an imperative step for his overall health either way. His body needed to experience a rut at least once to get his glands to make the vital hormones a healthy alpha would normally produce on its own. They only managed to fully convince him when they mentioned this could be the solution to his mobility problem.

And so, now Viktor pondered downing the usual fourth pill. On one hand this would set back the inevitable process of correcting his hormones (maybe until the end of the semester came, and he would be able to barricade himself in his room for months on end). On the other hand, he desperately wanted this whole treatment to be over with as soon as possible.

Finally he decided to throw the remaining pill down his throat.

Better not regret it now.

…

As Viktor walks down the main hall he glances over the school’s notice board. The new additions to the student body are displayed, a way to tell the current students “See them? They will be your competition”, he thinks.

Just as he expected, all Piltolvians, though he is almost sure a former Zaunite around his age should be in the Physics program. Nevermind, there are also a couple of exchange students. The results are shown according to their school of choice.

Architecture, Chemistry and Engineering are shown to the far left, Industrial Design is almost to the middle, Physics is closer to the right. The other schools, he must admit, are not of his particular interest.

One of the things Viktor finds amusing about the Piltovian culture are the casual displays of power they have ingrained in their minds. In this case he notices some names accompanied by a crest. This, as it seems, means the students are from a certain family or that a member from said family is their patron. The Kirammans, some of Piltover’s wealthiest, have decided to sponsor an aspiring engineer from the House of Talis, for example. He takes note of some names, but continues along his way.

A few minutes later he finds himself in front of Dr. Heimerdinger’s door. Viktor takes the brass doorknob and knocks two times before Heimerdinger’s voice calls him from inside “Viktor, my boy. You got here earlier than I expected!” Viktor stands awkwardly looking at the clocktower through the hall window. It is, in fact, too early. Thirty seven minutes early to be precise. “Please, do come in. I’m making tea, would you care for a cup?”. Viktor steps in and closes the door behind him “Yes, if you don’t mind. Thank you, professor”

Heimerdinger’s head suddenly popped through the kitchenette’s doorway “Oh, do sit down, it will take just a minute”. Viktor took a minute to take a closer look at Cecil's abode. Every piece of furniture looked handmade to his size, from the loveseat to the stairs connected to the bookshelves.

The only chair available for Viktor’s… measurements was a wooden chair which he promptly took place in. Soon the distinct sound of a kettle full of boiling water came from the kitchen and Heimerdinger came to the living carrying a small tray with two cups and some pastries.

“Looking at you, I can only imagine you haven’t even grabbed a bite before coming here. As much as us scientists see ourselves as machines that could go on forever working, experimenting and researching, we still do need fuel. Please, take this” Cecil put some cookies and a piece of carrot cake on a plate before pushing it towards Viktor, who quickly grabbed a fork and started eating a single bite without giving him a concrete answer, clearly indicating he was right on his assessment.

Dr. Heimerdinger takes a cookie to his mouth and expects Viktor to continue eating too. Alas, Viktor takes out some papers from his bag and starts going over the themes he came to discuss. “Doctor, I was hoping to go over the syllabus before the first day to make myself familiar with the contents. Now, here it states there you will explain the generalities of-”

“Oh, Viktor. Often the mind wanders, escaping from our grasp before our own eyes and leaving us in great distress while blind. You needn’t worry, my boy. You are nervous, it is to be expected, after all, it’s your first unofficial day at the Academy.”

“Unofficial?”

“Ah, yes, I did mean to tell you before. You see, the Academic team has favored you. The contrary would be unthinkable, you make a formidable addition. Yet, it seems an intangible enemy has made its presence clear: the lack of official papers regarding your citizenship, licenses and curriculum do make it hard for the administrators to be 100% behind your arrival”

“What does that mean? Am I not going to be able to be your assistant?”

“Quite the contrary. It means it will be your chance to demonstrate your capacities. It is, as some would say, your time to shine”

“Under what conditions am I expected to prove my worth?”

“Your worth is not to be tested, it is only a matter of simple bureaucracy. Always the extremes with you young people! You see, other academics and I have come to an agreement: you will present some tests. Ten to be exact. Each one represents a semester at the Academy and each of them will include all the contents seen within your school of choice. Now, I know you are very capable, in various subjects, but we would prefer if you were to select only one title to carry for now. Will it be Physics, Chemistry, Maths, Engineering or are you going to surprise me by choosing to be a Biopharmaceutical Scientist?”

“Oh”

“Maybe later you could sign up for the Masters program, it wouldn’t be too far from your capacities now, would it?”

“Not at all professor”

“I’ll leave you to think about it, but be sure to get back to me as soon as possible. Now we should get going before all the alumni start suspecting this will be an easy class just because the professors arrived late on the first day!”

“Of course”

They continued going over the syllabus. As expected, Viktor made a few observations on Heimerdinger’s grading system, activities for the students and new sources the professor would most likely need to mention.

Cecil couldn't help but be impressed by the dedication his new assistant showed. He wished Viktor could become a professor himself right then and there. That is until class began and he saw Viktor become a whole new person. Where there was a soft spoken boy, now stood a very strict man ready to personally fail anyone who didn’t take the class seriously. Some students cowered in fear while others began taking notes on every word that came out of his mouth.

Yes, the boy would need some time before he was ready to become a professor.

…

By now they had only one more lecture left. The morning had flown by them with all the hush and haste typical of the first day of school. While waiting for their last class, Viktor and Heimerdinger decided to admire the landscape from his office. The sun bathed Piltover’s building in glorious golden light.

“Sir, I have chosen my answer regarding what we discussed earlier”

Heimerdinger turned to look at Viktor “What wonderful news, I knew you would be fast to decide on this tumultuous yet delightful path. What will it be?”

“I think-”

Just then an explosion rang far in the distance and the enforcer’s sirens blared throughout Piltover. The previous shimmer of the city now dulled with ashes. Noise began blaring from the border.

Grey clouds started flooding the bridge, a clear sign of deep trouble in the cross between Piltover and Zaun.

Before either of them could react in any way other than shock, a flock of enforcers started making their way through the main streets in calculated fashion. Though it was hard to make out from so far away, Viktor was sure the bridge was flooded with Zaunites. Was this some sort of uprising?

Both of them came back to it. Immediately the professor ran to the speaker device connected to the amplifiers scattered all around the Academy.

“Dear students, there seems to be an unspecified phenomenon currently developing in the bridge to Zaun. Do not get out of school grounds until further notice. I repeat. Do not get out of school grounds. You are safe here. Do not run, the enforcers are on their way to assist”

…

Viktor expected a tiresome day full of classes, meetings, and running errands for Dr. Heimerdinger. To a certain extent this came true, he was tired, very tired. They had only one class left before they had to call off the day and, while the meeting was postponed, he did run many errands for the professor. What he didn’t expect was the armed uprising and nigh siege he endured in his first day as an assistant.

The battle in the bridge lasted for about twelve continuous hours, he thought the Zaunites would have won by the sixth, they have a great advantage in numbers alone. Even then numbers and weapons aren’t everything, he supposes.

Reports popped all over the place. The casualties of Piltovian civilians and enforcers kept rising by the minute. Viktor would need to ask around for the Zaunite casualties. Even if the exact number was impossible to estimate correctly, he had to know. Admittedly, asking for names would be too much. He was too afraid to hear the names of the deceased in case he knew one, or more, of them.

The streets were closed off several hours after the attack. Most government and academic buildings not essential for the armed forces were turned into temporary shelters for the affected civilians. Mainly the not-so-wealthy Piltovians.

There was one thing that Viktor found strange, but would never dare to say. It seemed like the enforcers were aware of the Zaunites movements before they acted and strategized accordingly. How else could one describe their precision when the Zaunites moved through the secret passages in the city? That was certainly not luck.

A whistleblower among the people of Zaun would be unthinkable, but then again, not completely out of the realm of possibilities.

The other council members were quick to do damage control, assuring everyone the battle had ended for good and no big losses had been noted, quite the contrary. In another feat of Piltovian culture, the council members would usually give good news to reduce the blow any given disruption made in their perfect little society.

In this case they were fast to announce the recovery of the long lost daughter of Xade, the female Alpha head to the House of deMarquis and fellow council member. Very few details were given, apparently she was being held hostage by her Omega Zaunite father as a way to blackmail councilman Xade for money. The girl was recovered during an investigation at the Entresol level, the same level of Zaun Viktor was born in. In his opinion this was nothing more than propaganda designed to make Piltovians hold a grudge against Zaunites, splitting them even further apart.

Viktor couldn’t help but scoff at that. Lives were lost. People on both sides had died. Could no one else see the unfairness of the situation? A daughter was found, many others would never be seen again.

…

Dr. Heimerdinnger had many obligations to tend to as the Dean before he could go back to his quarters. Ensuring the safety of all students and school staff was a priority, but the public announcements were a close second. Reassuring the parents, patrons or patron parents was a whole other show Viktor was not sure he wanted to take part in, even if it was his job to do so.

By the time it was all over, it was either deep in the night or very early in the morning.

“Well, Viktor, what an… eventful first day you’ve had. Worry not, tomorrow, or should I say today, will be a rather unremarkable day compared to… Oh, what am I even saying? Avoiding the situation often lights the flame rather than dull it. The horrors of war can never be avoided, that I know, although the frictions between the districts is undeniable I believe peace can be achieved”

“I do too” Viktor turned to face his superior

“We will see through this situation in the blink of an eye, the wind rises and so must we. I will see you in a while, and I expect you to be as vigilant as you were today”

Viktor was almost sure the professor fervently needed sleep, yet he couldn’t deny the hopeful smile that threatened to appear through his own lips.

“Actually, sir, before we part I wanted to tell you what I want to study, if that’s alright”

“Of course, what will you choose?”

“Engineering suits me”

“Very well, I will talk to the others as soon as possible. Rest well, Viktor”

#viktor x reader #jayce x reader #reader insert #no use of y/n #a/b/o dynamics #omegaverse #Pekkwrites

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angelofthemornings · 22 days ago

Text

Okay, I came up with an action plan. I sort of want to share it with others, so after I review it with my therapist next week I'll post it to r/hikikomori. I'll show you folks too.

I decided to come up with an action plan about my condition based both on personal research and input from my new therapist. I'll make reminders in my phone calendar and come back with three month, six month, and one year updates. If anyone would like to do the challenge with me, please comment and update as well! I'm doing this publicly partially because I think it would be a little easier for me to do something for others and not just myself. If I'm a success story people can look at, then others might figure out how to help themselves too.

Some background on me:

I was a healthy, active, and industrious kid. Very curious, always doing something, a hard worker. The only thing wrong with me was some autism, very mild.

However, I developed severe insomnia around the age of thirteen and was unable to sleep until two or three AM. My parents decided I was "being obstinate" and refused to take me to a doctor or even get me OTC sleeping pills. Instead, I'd get locked in an empty closet hoping I'd pass out from boredom (I didn't), or dragged out of bed and onto the floor at six AM by my arm or my hair and forced to go to school on only a couple hours' sleep. Maybe an adult could handle that kind of sleep deprivation and still function, but for a child this was torture, especially because I was screamed at and sometimes hit every morning because I struggled to get up and going. I completely collapsed mentally - I even started bedwetting - and dropped out of school within a few months of my insomnia appearing, becoming a hikikomori. I spent over a decade more or less in captivity, and, possibly due to the stress of isolation, I developed bipolar disorder and epilepsy (I'm pretty sure, at least, that both came after I entered social withdrawal and weren't the cause) and I also struggled with alcoholism for a bit. I have some other trauma from things like relationships - I ran away and lived briefly with an older man as a teenager and it was really bad - and some other things, but that's not important right now.

I spend all my time lurking on social media looking for cheap dopamine hits and reading ebooks on my phone and that's just about it. After a LOT of trying and failing I'm able to draw and paint on a tablet for at least a few minutes most days as well.

So, as for the challenge.

My first step was stabilizing my health (bipolar disorder and epilepsy are in control and my sleep schedule is good, and I stopped drinking using the Sinclair method). That's taken care of.

Here are my instructions to myself for the rest of my healing process:

1. Accept that you were driven into a fragile and fearful state that is so normal to you now that you don't even notice it. Try to notice it. There are lots of things you want to do and don't do, and things you do that you don't want to be doing, and they grate on you. Pay attention to those moments and challenge and interrogate them, like:

"I don't want to get on social media this morning. Why do I feel like I have to?" Once you have answered that: "Is that true? Do I really have to? What will I feel if I don't do it and is that feeling really going to be intolerable?"

"I want to pick up a little, but I can't make myself. Why is that? Okay, it feels like I'm afraid my back will hurt. But how much will it hurt and will I go all to pieces if it does get sore? No, I think I can handle it."

"I need to clean the snow off of the car and I can't do it, but I can't identify why. What is something I could do to make myself more comfortable doing it? Maybe I'm hungry and could eat lunch first to get myself energized and to move around a little before doing any labor, or maybe I subconsciously realize I'm not wearing warm enough clothes."

Now is where all the research you've undoubtedly done about ADHD and autism stuff will come in handy. "Oh, it looks like I feel like I'm not going to be on time so I won't do anything before my telehealth appointment, even quickly change the clothes I've been in for three days...I know from my research that I can use a visual timer to help with that."

You'll have to talk to yourself like a mother negotiating gently with a very young child, or like someone rehabilitating an abused kitten, and that's okay. "Reparenting yourself" is a very common technique in American psychology. Remember that the father of hikikomori studies, Saito Tamaki, is really against firmness and force. He often compares it to "driving someone into the corner." Your job is not to discipline yourself and try to get tougher, your job is to coax yourself out of that corner. Again, the "abused kitten" model of thinking about yourself should work well here according to him - I don't think telling a feral kitten that Marcus Aurelius wouldn't approve is going to make it stop cowering. Kindness and creating a safe emotional atmosphere so it feels comfortable expanding its boundaries will.

Understand that "making yourself comfortable so you can do things" is much different than just "making yourself comfortable"; the latter is the kind of retreat that led to your unhealthy lifestyle. The former is purposeful healing.

Also understand that this "mindfulness" will take time to do consistently and is sometimes going to get annoying and cost energy. But if you can manage to do it for even one thought/action you want to change a day, that's still significant and will grow into serious progress.

2. Move physically. I don't mean go outside and jog for an hour right away, that's like, step nineteen. Moving physically and "being in my body" or "aware of my body" is difficult for me because of self-hatred and possibly some sexual abuse trauma, and after all this sedentary isolation I feel very detached from it. You'll want to start with very small stuff like chair yoga or those under-the-desk pedal things, and for only a few minutes. You can work your way up to true exercise later, for now, your job is just to get used to yourself as having a body.

3. Go outside by yourself, with no particular reason at first to decrease pressure. To start, I want to drive to the park at least twice and then three times a week, I don't even have to get out of the car, just practice being there. After I can regularly go to the park without feeling stressed, I can go to the public indoor pool and swim, just to practice being visible around others (water is really soothing to me). Then I'll attend virtual meetings for something - I've found some groups for autistics, LGBT, etc. After establishing regular attendance at virtual groups, I want to start going to the open art studio held at the library every week. That is attended exclusively by old ladies and they're always happy to see younger people, and older women generally have good social skills that'll compensate for my bad ones, and it's way less pressure than trying to create a social circle with people my own age. I also can either sit there quietly and make art or choose to socialize a little, nothing is obligatory.

If I struggle too much with the virtual groups or open art studio, I might attend an adult day care center for the disabled and have people pick me up to go, so that I'll have something external pushing me.

After I get used to that, I need to focus on one-on-one stuff which is very hard for me. To do that, I want to get virtual lessons in language learning (expensive but I'm going to try to squeeze it out of my budget) (on italki you're paying the tutor to be nice to you and you're not talking in your native language, so you're going to stumble and be awkward by default, no shame) or in violin so I can improve my skills and express myself. After I get used to people that way, I can try to join things like book clubs in my area and meet people in their 20s and 30s naturally.

4. This is about where I can start considering maybe a part-time job or school. It might be useful to take a class or classes on Coursera first, that way I can practice structure and doing things consistently for weeks on end.

5. In general, I want to make a list of three things to do every day. At least one of them should be a fun thing that I'd like to enjoy but struggle to do, like playing my violin. Another one should be something challenging and productive I can do on my phone, like use a language learning app, because phone activities are easiest for me. The remaining slot can go to obligations like doctor's appointments or cleaning up.

Advice: Studies show (source: Tiny Habits, written by the director of the Stanford Behavior Design lab) that you actually have a very limited window to reward yourself for good behavior, as in, less than a second. Saying you'll eat ice cream after dinner if you do something in the morning isn't effective. What you need to do is, after you've done something you want to reward, give yourself a bit of congratulations. I personally started playing the Final Fantasy victory sting in my head once I've done something I want to do. (The author of the book says he does a little dance or goes "Yay me!" when he does something like his pushups.) I also got the Do It Now app, which gives you points for tasks you set so you can watch yourself level, and I added not only obligatory stuff (cleaning, brushing teeth, appointments, etc.) but entertaining things that aren't sitting on a screen that I'd like to do more of but are hard for me (violin, listening to music, etc.). These two tools can give me tangible, psychologically appealing rewards. I don't know why being able to press a button in an app and watch a number go up is so satisfying, but it is.

Also, meditating helps (especially because it makes you more aware of your thoughts, that's useful for step one). I financed a Muse S meditation headband that reads my brainwaves and rewards me with audio cues when I reach a relaxed state, but I'm not going to say that's necessary because I want this challenge to be as cheap as possible for everyone.

Above all, be gentle, and give yourself points for trying even if you can only do something for a minute or two.

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silentmoths · 2 years ago

Text

A cold cure for Insomnia

Hey look, it's not a genshin fic

wild huh?

I'll preface this with 2 things: 1: I am, for some reason, incredibly nervous abt posting a fic that is 100% outside my wheelhouse. I've never actually posted anything but genshin fic since I started uploading a couple years ago, only like, one friend has ever seen anything else from me so this is a bit of a step. 2: this is nothing put pure, indulgent lesbian bullshit and I'll also note that I have no idea how to write f/f smut, so be gentle with me.

If you're only here for my genshin stuff, have a nice day and we'll be back to regularly scheduled bullshittery shortly. Until then, please enjoy me, self indulging over my pokemon wife.

Elite 4 Rika x Fem!Reader 7.4k words, not proofread, we die like prof. sada

NSFW, honestly it's just a whole lot of fkn smut with some fluff sprinkled in there, praise kink, hair pulling, use of toys, oral, tribbing, koraidon being an unintentional wingman.

What a day.

Sometimes you wonder how Nemona did it, rushing around doing champion things all the time. Honestly, ever since you’d beat Geeta all those years ago while you were still in school, it felt like every day was ‘go here, check this gym, go there, check that gym.’ And you were getting a little tired of it.

Especially recently, with Nemona currently travelling somewhere in the Kalos region doing Arceus knows what, and Geeta being stuck in paperwork hell with the Academy preparing for their annual treasure hunt, you’d been swamped, needing to go and check every. Single. Gym. to make sure they were all up to par.

(who knows maybe this year a new student would claim the champion title and you could retire? That’d be nice.)

Montenevera was the last stop on your trip, and while the vibe was always lovely in the snowy mountain town…you’d never been particularly fond of the cold… Only made worse by Rhyme and her gang of ghost pokemon sending a particular shiver down your spine that you just couldn’t shake.

Night had fallen by the time you finally walked out the sliding doors of the League building, only to be greeted by your one nemesis.

Fucking snow.

Here, on the outskirts of Mesagoza.

You wanted to scream, but that wasn’t very becoming of a League champion now was it?

So with a sigh, you reach for a specific pokeball on your hip. The trek home wasn’t far, but in the sleet and cold, you knew it’d be faster if you rode.

Koraidon however, apparently had other ideas.

The moment his feet touch the cold ground, he yelps and backs right up and into the League building once again.

“Koraidon…c’mon bud, we just need to get home.” you sigh “I know you’re tired too…I promise to make you the best dang sandwich when we get home…yeah?”

The paradox pokemon simply looks at you with wide, sad eyes and a low chitter before he willingly returns to his ball.

Great….just great. Not even your most reliable pokemon was willing to brave even more snow, not after today.

“Woah-ho, what’s gotten under his scales?” a familiar voice sounds from behind you, snapping you from your despondent staring at Koraidon’s pokeball. The familiar click of dress boots give her away before Rika steps into view.

How she always managed to look so very casual while pulling off suspenders was beyond you, but every time you were anywhere in the vicinity of the first member of the Elite four, you found your mouth running dry and your mind wandering very far away from here. She tilts her head at you and it takes her waving her hand in front of your eyes to realise you were absolutely staring at her.

Way to go.

“Woah, you alright? You look wiped.” She comments, her brow furrowing as she looks you up and down.

“A-ah…yeah, sorry…s’been a long few days…” you eventually mumble, turning your gaze to the floor as you clip Koraidon’s ball back to your belt with the others. “Geeta’s had me checking and rechecking all the gyms to make sure they’re ready for the next treasure hunt…we just got back from Montenevera…cold…tired…and now it’s snowing a-and Koraidon is just…too tired to take me home..”

A slender, comforting hand gently rests between your shoulder blades, rubbing small, soothing circles and it takes everything in you to not crumble apart there, man, how desperate did you have to be to nearly cry at friendly touch? “You live all the way on the other side of town, dontcha?” She asks, her free hand raising to push some of her green hair from her face as the look of worry on her features only seems to grow “Ain’t no way you’re making that walk in this state…”

“I’ll live…” you sigh, hanging your head and readjusting your bag as you lift your head to look at the snow flurry that was definitely only getting heavier.

“Nah, C’mon, you can crash at mine tonight, it’s closer.” Rika chimes, patting you on the back and passing you a wink before she heads out the door.

You blink, watching her back in silence, there was no way she had just invited you to spend the night, absolutely no way. You needed to go see a doctor and maybe get your hearing checked-

“You comin? Or did Rhyme’s Toxtricity paralyse you up there in Montenevera?” She calls, stopping and looking over her shoulder. There's a…a look in her eyes that you can't quite make out, but it makes your heart jackhammer just that little bit, especially when she turns and offers her hand “C’mon, let's get you home, yeah?”

You swallow the lump in your throat as you blink at her outstretched, gloved hand and then up at her smile.

Arceus, you were weak…how you ever made champion when you can’t even look the first of the Elite four in the eye without feeling your cheeks heat, you’ll never know.

Finally, you reach out and take her hand, not expecting her to tug you into her side, arm draping over your shoulders as she starts walking again, all but pulling you along with her. Her hand gives your shoulder a reassuring squeeze as she shares her body warmth with you on the trek down the mountainside towards the tunnel. For someone so slim, she was…much warmer than you expected, and you find yourself sleepily zoning out, simply focusing on one food in front of the other.

Thankfully, Rika was pretty alright with not needing to make small talk. This wasn’t the first time you had both just…existed in the same space in silence…to be fair the silence on your part before was because you had no idea how to talk to her without muddling your words like a lovestruck idiot, and perhaps that was still the case. Regardless, you play up the ‘tired’ aspect and simply bask in being close.

The unfortunate downside to the tunnel from Mesagoza up to the League headquarters, was the wind. Right now? Frigid and inhospitable, the icy chill stinging at your eyes, at least until your companion comes to your rescue, shifting you behind her taller frame and blocking the wind, hand moving from your shoulder to your hand, giving that same reassuring squeeze as she looks over her shoulder, small smile on her face.

You swear you can feel her thumb gently rubbing over your knuckles as she bends her arm behind her back to keep a secure hold on you.

Rika…she really was something else, something you didn’t deserve.

The moment the tunnel spits you both out into Mesagoza’s side streets, she takes an immediate right. Had you been walking home, you would have had to take a left and trudge all the way to the other side of the city, past the academy and almost to the pokemon centre by the west gate.

The flurry of snow was only getting worse, you can feel your clothes growing heavy and damp, and the concrete was getting slippery. Thankfully it’s not all that long before she tugs you into an apartment building and into a blessedly warm elevator. Holding you steady as your world begins to spin and blur at the edges. Perhaps you really had pushed it a bit too much today, hitting Cascarrafa, Glaseado and Montenevera in a single day…

“Hey.” Rika murmurs as your head rests against her shoulder “Stay with me, nearly there, kay? We’ll get you inside n’warmed up, yeah?”

“Mmh…kay..” you manage to mumble back, simply enjoying being held, even if it was light. Her arm wrapped around your torso as you just breath. She smells like Cedarwood…and maybe a hint of Ozone…might have something to do with her Camerupt… but it’s not an unwelcome scent at all. You only get a few moments to enjoy it before the elevator chimes, and you’re gently tugged out into, and down a hallway. Rika’s free hand fishing her keys from her pocket. She has to let you go to get the door open, muttering something about a stuck lock and needing to call maintenance, but with a bodily shove of her shoulder, the lock clicks and the door swings open.

Her apartment is blessedly warm, she must have left the heater on when she left for work this morning, because the warm air nearly takes you out before you even enter the door, needing to lean against the frame with a relieved sigh, knowing that even if you had made it home tonight, your heater had definitely not been on, and hadn't been for several days.

Rika only laughs softly, gently pulling you inside so she could close the door.

“Here…lets get you to the bathroom and into the shower…you’re absolutely freezing.” She mutters. Half-carrying you down the hall. Her apartment is…honestly what you expected. Neat enough, but not overly tidied. Lived in, comfortable, Inviting. Shades of soft greens and earthy tones scattered everywhere, a few large pokemon beds scattered about for her pokemon to enjoy outside of their balls. The only things really alluding to the fact that Rika was far more well off than most had to be the massive TV mounted to the living room wall, and what looked like one of the newer game consoles…the ones that had been super hard to get because of a manufacturing supply issue…fancy.

You don't quite register that she’s slowly pulling your clothes away from you until she’s already got your beanie, scarf and jacket off, each item thrown into her laundry hamper, at some point she’d also already started the shower for you, the room already beginning to fill with steam. You snap back to reality when theres a gently tug at the hem of your shirt, silently asking for your permission to remove it.

“O-oh, I uh…s-sorry…” you mumble, raising your arms above your head anyway, cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment as she pulls the item away, the tank top beneath still leaving you modest enough to not die on the spot. “I-I can handle it from here…”

“You sure?” she murmurs softly “S’no big deal to me.”

“Y-yeah…I’ll be fine…thanks.”

You watch as the tiniest hint of…disappointment? Flickers across her features…no, surely you were imagining…but she doesn’t push it any further.

“Alrighty, I’ll go find something you can wear for the night and then throw your clothes in the laundry once you’re in the shower, yeah?”

“Mm…t-thank you Rika…you really…you didn’t have to-” you mumble, unable to meet her gaze, but she just smiles and shrugs, her fingers slowly pushing a stray strand of hair out of your face.

“And what if I wanted to? You look like you need a break.” She retorts, sliding past you and continuing down the hall before you can reply.

Soon enough, the rest of your clothes join the laundry hamper and you slip into the shower, beneath the scalding spray and you want to cry all over again, your fingers begin to prick with pins and needles as they slowly regain feeling, serves you right for leaving your gloves at home.

A few minutes into your shower, you hear the distinctive, soft thud of cloth hitting the counter. “Here’s some jammies, sorry if they’re a bit big.” Rika chuckles before vanishing back down the hall. You almost don’t want to get out of the hot spray, especially not once you start giving yourself a good scrub down with whatever fancy-branded body wash she kept in here.

At least now you know what to buy that would make you smell like cedarwood…

After you feel the last of the day’s grime finally wash from your body, you shut off the water and poke your head out of the shower. Thankfully Rika had already left a towel waiting atop the clothes she’d sacrificed to you. It’s as you’re drying off that you finally get a good look in the mirror and…wow…

Now you think you understand why she’d been so concerned…you look like you had two black eyes, that's how tired you were…

–

You find Rika relaxing in the living room watching TV when you finally emerge, changed into a fresh set of long pyjamas and- you can’t even stop the giggle when you notice the clodsire slippers.

“Where on earth did you get those?” you ask, pointing to said slippers, earning a grin and a snicker from their wearer.

“Larry actually.” She chuckles “secret santa a couple years back.” With that, she pats the spot on the couch next to her, and you, now warm and content, plop down beside her without a second thought, leaning against the arm of the couch with a content sigh. “How’re you feelin?” she asks, idly flipping through the channels.

“Mmh…much better…thank you again…I…I don’t think I would have made it home…not in this weather.”

“Oh I coulda told you that, Honey. In fact I’m pretty sure I did.” She snickers, her lips quirking at the side when she notes the way your cheeks flush pink at the pet name. “I’ve ordered some takeout, s’too cold to go out n’ grab food...and I’m usually too beat after work to bother cooking.”

“Then how the hell do you stay so skinny?” You snicker at her, receiving a wink in response.

“Oh I take my cardio seriously.” is all the response she gives before she finally decides there is nothing decent on regular TV, and switches over to a streaming service, throwing on some random popular movie.

Once again, you both settle into a comfortable silence, Rika rising from the couch half an hour in to fetch the dinner left at her door before returning, at some point with a blanket in tow. You sit up a little as she places the food on the coffee table and plops down right beside you this time, draping the blanket over both your laps. It’s not until you take the first mouthful of that delightful galarian curry, that you realise just how hungry you are, barely paying attention to the movie as you scarf down your meal, fighting back tears at Rika’s acts of kindness for the third time today, and only seemingly taking a breath once you’ve finished your meal, leaning back into the arm of the couch with a content sigh, only to squeak when Rika finishes her own a few minutes later and bodily leans into your side, head to your chest and arms slowly wrapping around your torso as she pulls her legs up and gets comfortable beside you with a content huff.

Arceus she was just so…so handsome, breathtaking… and she was just…cuddling you like you’d both been doing this kind of thing for years… it was sudden, but it didn’t feel wrong…and slowly, you bring your arm down from where it had been splayed along the back of the couch, to gently card through her hair, pulling some of her bangs from her face and tucking them behind her ear.

“Hmm…you should get some sleep, kiddo…arceus knows you need it.” She hums, glancing up at you from her spot on your chest. You know she’s right, and she doesn’t complain when you shift, even reaching behind her to hand you an extra cushion to tuck behind your head as you lay out along the couch, Rika coming to rest between your legs, head once again leaning onto your chest, her extra warmth and weight just adding another layer of comfort as you both go back to watching the movie.

Now usually, usually you were the kind of person who could drop off watching a movie quite easily. But on very rare occasions, you would find yourself struck with bouts of insomnia, and unfortunately for you, they always seemed to happen after periods of prolonged stress.

Like needing to go and personally make sure every gym was up to standards…

Before you even knew it, the credits begin to roll, you’re exhausted, but offensively awake, to the point where even Rika is surprised, blinking those beautiful crimson eyes up at you.

“Can’t sleep?” she asks with a tilt of her head.

“Sometimes Insomnia is a bitch.” You concede, she makes a noise of understanding.

“Ah, yeah…I know that feeling…” she admits, staring up at you, to the point you feel your cheeks heating again, and you avert your gaze “but, thankfully, I know the best solution for that.” She adds, shimmying to push herself up on her hands and knees, looming over you, some of her hair, having been free’d of its usual ponytail, cascading over her shoulders to tickle at your face.

“O-oh? And…what might that be?” that look in her eyes is back, the one you couldn’t quite read properly back at HQ, but here, with her inches from your face? It’s loud and clear.

Hunger.

“Do you trust me?” She asks, her lips quirking into a smirk as you shrink beneath her.

“W-would I have followed you home if I hadn’t?” you manage to squeak back at her, nowhere near as confident and commanding as it had sounded in your head. It’s enough to make her chuckle, and you watch in a daze as she licks her lips, a single hand coming up to softly grip your chin, lifting your face.

“Hm, touche…” and with that, her lips are on yours, she swallows the squeaking gasp that you let out, taking the opportunity of your mouth being open to send her tongue in to explore. To you it feels like electricity, like you’d just taken a thunderbolt to the senses; She’s soft, gentle, probing, gauging your reactions. Apparently she must have liked what she got, because she deepens the kiss, nipping at your lips as one hand tangles in your hair, rougher. You like this a bit better.

You’re the one who needs to come up for air first, pulling your face away with a loud, breathless gasp as you try to catch your breath.

The look you find waiting for you is…predatory, is the only word that comes to mind, and if it wasn’t for the fact she was already between your knees, you’d be squeezing your thighs together so tight, because it’s doing something…funny to your insides.

“Hmm…you ever done anything like…this before?” She asks, voice low and husky and you’re very ready to pass away, but you manage a shake of your head and the grin you get in response?

It’s like a Mightyena who’s just found it’s lunch. She was going to eat you, and she was going to enjoy every second of it.

“Well then, we’d best move…couch sex is great n’ all, but I’d rather your first time be somewhere a little more comfortable.” she remarks, pulling away. You whine at the loss of her extra warmth, but that whine quickly turns to a yelp when she takes your arm and drags you up with a strength she hadn’t shown you before. Always full of tricks, Rika was.

The admittedly short trek down the hall to her room is…hindered. Every few steps you’d find yourself pressed against the wall, Rika towering over you as hands tangle in your hair and lips crash to yours as she steals what little breath you manage to catch before you’re separating, taking a couple more steps and repeating the process.

Right outside the bedroom door, the slim trainer actually lifts you up the wall a ways, enough so that your legs instinctively wrap around her waist, nothing but her pyjama pants and the thin boxer’s you’d borrowed off her keeping you apart, but already entirely too much clothing in the way. You moan loudly when she rolls her hips into yours, the sensations all new and overwhelming, but you don't think you’ve ever felt this good before in your life.

Her hands find your ass as she pulls back from the wall, holding you to her firmly as you both finally stumble into her room, only given a second to brace before she’s throwing you down into the blankets, and even less time before she’s on you, grinning and hungry as hands fly up your top, pushing it up your chest so she can finally access some skin.

“A-ah! Rika-” her name was lost on her for the time being, far too engrossed in leaving open mouthed kisses along your chest and stomach, mouth latching over one of your nipples while her hand works at the other. Your own hands twisting and clenching at her blanket, your squirming only made worse when she shifts again, her knee pressing between your legs and right against your aching cunt.

At some point, she manages to wrangle the top off you completely, throwing it to the void so her hands can explore the expanse of your chest properly, she leaves no patch of skin untouched, no freckle or blemish uncharted, and when your whining begins to pitch as the nipple she sucks on becomes too sensitive, she gets go, only to latch to your collar bone instead, hands roaming your body.

You let out an embarrassingly pitiful mewl when her fingers dip beneath the waistband of your borrowed boxers, and you immediately bring a hand up to cover your mouth. Rika, apparently, doesn’t like that. Her hand retreating from its place as she props herself on the other, pulling away entirely, even shifting her knee back, depriving you of that delicious friction. Your hand is tugged away from your mouth and pinned to your side, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

“Don’t.” She scolds quietly “I wanna hear you.”

“B-but-”

“Don’t be a brat.” she interjects, eyes flashing dangerously “I know that aint’ you… you wanna be a good girl, yeah?”

Oh.

Oh no.

That shouldn’t have such an effect on you.

There’s no hiding it from Rika either. Her smirk widens as she stares smugly down at your trembling frame.

“Oh? You like that huh? Well then, are you gonna be a good girl and do as I say?” she hums “I’ll make sure you feel real good, yeah?”

“M-mhm…” is all you manage to squeak out, earning a raised eyebrow.

“What was that? Didn’t quite hear you there, princess.” Rika snickers. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and the humiliation burns your ears and makes your insides squirm in a way you didn’t think would feel as good as it did.

“I-I’ll be good…” you whisper, your hands twisting into the sheets as Rika hums, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to your burning cheek.

“That’s a good girl.” she purrs “you just relax n’let me handle things, kay?”

You actually sigh into the kiss when she does finally return to what she was doing, your arms wrapping over her shoulders as she shifts back into place, hands lightly roaming your skin, teasing and testing sensitive spots, occasionally getting a little rougher, just enough to rile you a little more, before settling again. Before she can get back into your pants however, you tug at her shirt, whining into her mouth; thankfully, Rika is smart, she gets your hint and pulls away just long enough to tug her top off.

Her skin is soft, smooth, a few burn scars and claw marks here and there as she settles beside you, one of your thighs caught between her knees as she wraps an arm under your shoulders, pulling you close to her chest as the other hand grazes southward, she doesn't dally once her fingers breech the waistband of your boxers, quickly locating the sticky mess between your thighs with a pleased hum.

“Mmm, look at that…” she hums as a pair of fingers easily delve through your pussy, retracting from your boxers entirely so she can admire the glistening slick dripping from her fingers. “You’re so wet already, honey…” Rika makes sure you watch as she pops those two fingers into her mouth and you squeak, face burning in embarrassment.

She doesn’t give you much time to react, the moment she pulls those slender fingers from her lips, she shifts, your boxers are wrenched off and you’re left bare before her as she parts your knees to settle on her belly between your thighs, eyes flashing devilishly in the low light, and hot breath ghosting over your most sensitive parts.

“R-Rika-”

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to get you into my bed.” She rasps between open-mouthed kisses along your thighs, arms wrapping around to keep yout hips in place as she takes her sweet time. “When was it… mmh, yeah I think it was…two years ago? Koraidon suddenly came out of his ball all sorry lookin’ in the middle of a meeting…”

Oh Arceus, you remember that meeting… Perhaps you’d been a little soft with Koraidon…he’d learnt that if he looked sorry enough, you’d make him a sandwich… but it was getting awfully hard to focus when a warm tongue suddenly licks a flat stripe into your cunt, and lips seal around your clit, shocking you from your thoughts as her strong hands prevent you from accidentally crushing her head with your thighs.

“Without even stopping to think, you got up n’ you got him what he needed.” she whispers into your thigh once she finally pulls away “middle of a meetin… n’ heres our newest champion, making a sandwich for her pokemon.” she chuckles “I dunno…something about how casually you just…did that…I’ve wanted this ever since but Geeta’s always had you running all over the place, pinning you down has always been impossible…least until today.”

“Rika…”

“You’re always doing everything for everyone else… you deserve to relax.” For a brief moment, she flashes you a genuine smile, not a hint of that handsome smirk that you’re so used to; just genuine warmth before she tugs you down by your hips and returns her mouth to you, long strokes of her tongue between your folds that leave any words dead in your throat, and your hands tangling in her hair for any semblance of control. You didn’t want to hurt her, but when she sucks harshly on your clit, you cry out and yank on her hair a little harder than you’d meant to, any apology dying when she groans and shudders, her eyes rolling back for a moment.

“You’re killin me, kid.” She sighs in the brief moment she brings herself to separate from you “keep doin that and you might end up in trouble.”

It sounds like a threat… but the way she suddenly looks so…debauched, has you tugging at her silky hair again when a pair of fingers slowly begin to prod at your core, spurring her on as you squirm and mewl.

Eventually, you feel something deep in your belly, different from before, something building that has your breath coming harshly as you try to squirm away, stopped by a firm hand pressing just below your navel.

“R-rika-! s-somethings…I-I feel-” you whimper as the pressure builds, you expect her to pull away in concern, but her eyes flash with realisation, and she only seems to double down, her long, slender fingers curling inside of you and brushes against…something. Something that has you nearly scream her name as that pressure snaps and your world turns white, fingers curling harshly into her hair.

Somewhere, through the haze, you feel a weight resting on you, and a hand resting on your cheek, but it takes a little longer for your ears to finally stop ringing and realise Rika was gently calling your name.

“There you are..” She chuckles softly as you finally remember how to uncross your eyes and look at her. “That looked intense…you ok?”

“Uh…uh-huh…” you respond dumbly, resting your cheek against her hand “what…what was that..?”

Rika’s lips pull into a thin, concerned line as her brows furrow.

“They really didn’t teach sex-ed at the academy, did they?” She asks.

“I-I mean…they did…s’just…basic..” you mumble as you slowly come down from…whatever high that just was.

“Obviously.” she sighs with a shake of her head “Was that seriously your first orgasm?”

Oh.

“oh…I uh…yeah…I guess it was.” and the humiliation was back. You knew what an orgasm was in theory…you’d just..never bothered to try it yourself.

“Well…I suppose I should count myself honoured then.” She snickers, leaning in to kiss at your undoubtedly sweaty forehead. “Couple more of those N’ I think you’ll be sleeping like a Komala.”

“M-more…?” you whisper, she laughs, catching your wide-eyed expression.

“Oh yeah, that was just foreplay, sweet thing…you did so well.”

And the praise was back, despite the way your joints feel molten hot, you still manage to squirm beneath her.

“I- s-should I…um…h-help you now?” your question is barely a whisper, all nerves…you have no idea how she did what she did but it felt…wrong to take and not give.

But Rika only shakes her head.

“What’d I say before?” she chides, slowly sitting back on her knees “Your one job tonight is to relax…I’ve got you.”

“But…what about you-”

“Don’t you worry about me. I’ll get off eventually.” She chuckles, smirking when you sigh and relent. “I want one more outta you before then though.” She mumbles as she shifts out from between your knees, sitting and reaching for her bedside table as you stare at the ceiling, basking in the shaky afterglow.

“D-did you…mean what you said before?” you mumble more at the ceiling than anything “that you’ve been…waiting for this..?”

“What reason do I have to lie to you?” She chuckles as she fiddles with…whatever she’s fiddling with. “You earned my respect the day you beat me when you first took on the Elite four, my admiration when you beat Geeta and became a champion…”

“God…those stupid glasses haunt me.” you snicker, remembering rather vividly being sat, alone in a room with Rika when you had first taken on the league, you’d read up plenty on other pokemon leagues in other regions, but never once had any of them had an interview-style exam right at the start.

“Hey, I like my glasses, thank you very much!” Rika snorts as she finally shifts back over, pulling you close with one arm as something…new slides between your legs, a quick glance and- oh.

You never really took Rika for the kind to own toys…but…at the same time, you never really gave it much thought. It’s nothing extreme, but to you, who’s never had anything other than a pair of slender fingers inside you very recently, the silicone toy is still rather intimidating.

“This ok?” She asks, mouthing at your neck and shoulder “if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”

“I…I do..just..nervous is all.”

“Mmh, good girl, so trusting…” there she goes again with the pet name that makes you shiver, not helped by the cold press of lubricated silicone against your still-sensitive cunt, gently pressing just that little bit further as Rika mouths your neck, nibbling down on the juncture between throat and shoulder, an adequate distraction as she pulls your leg out of the way with her own and sinks the toy in, slowly, almost tender as she coos comforts, coaxing you to relax, praise falling from her easily.

“Look at that, you took it so well.” She praises once the toy reaches the hilt “fuck, you’re making me regret not buying a harness… might just have to pick one up so I can fuck you proper, yeah?”

You can't even bring yourself to respond to her dirty talk, blinking hazily downwards as you gently press a hand just below your belly-button, taking the hint, Rika pulls the toy almost all the way out and then thrusts it back in. The feeling of it inside you, plus being able to feel it beneath your hand makes you moan loud and long, head falling back against the pillows as Rika lets you go, using her now free arm to prop herself up to watch you as she begins rhythmically working the dildo in and out of you, a small shift of her thumb has it brushing against your clit every time she sinks the silicone back into you, only adding to the layers of pleasure as your toes curl and your legs twitch.

“Look at you taking it like you were made for this, good girl.” she purrs, licking at her lips “I really shoulda found another reason to get you alone waaay before now.”

“Ungh…please…p-please…more…” It takes more than you feel like it should to beg, good as it felt, you’re worried that Rika was perhaps treating you just a little too softly. “Rika please…please please pleas-”

“Woah there, settle down baby.” She whispers, kissing at your cheek “Lookit you, telling me what you want like a good girl…who am I to deny the champion?”

Your attempt at telling her she didn’t need to use your title is quickly drowned out when she sits up, plunging the toy deeper inside of you with this new angle, brushing up against that one spot that had triggered your last orgasm. Her free hand pins your chest down as she smiles down at you, predatory and hungry for your reactions as she ups the pace, occasionally stopping to really grind the toy deep inside of you, right against that sensitive spot that has your voice pitch higher while you grip at Rika’s hand like your life depended on it.

As your next orgasm draws closer, you whimper, tugging at her hand, overstimulated ,overwhelmed, knowing you needed something, but not quite sure what that something was. At least until Rika pulls you to sit up, not even interrupting her pace as she braces you against her chest so you can hide your face away into the crook of her neck. All the while she mutters praise and pet names into your ear. She groans when that knot snaps for the second time tonight and you cry her name into her throat. You don’t pass out like you’re pretty sure you did last time at least, but as the shocks of pleasure begin to fade out, you really do begin to feel the pull of exhaustion behind your eyes as you slump against Rika’s shoulder, whimpering quietly when she slowly pulls the toy from your sensitive core, feeling the way your muscles involuntarily clench around it.

“How was that, baby? You doin alright?” She asks, gently tossing the toy back towards the bedside table as she turns her attention back to you. You were dizzy, dazed, and exhausted, yet through all that one thought still persisted.

She’d been doing all of this for you, and she still had her goddamn pants on.

Her breath hitches when your hand drops to her thighs, pressing beneath the waistband as you try to swallow down your nervousness to return the favour properly, biting your lip as you find the slick, wet mess already waiting for you; in a way, it was comforting to know that she was in fact, turned on by all of this. You’re clumsier than Rika at this, inexperienced and nervous, but you listen as she lets out a shuddering breath, her head leaning against yours for a moment as you slowly gain some confidence. That is until she grabs your wrist, ignoring your whine as she pulls your hand away and lays you back down, taking a moment to kiss any air out of your lungs, trying to calm your fraying nerves at being denied the chance to please her.

“Hey… It’s ok sweetie.” She murmurs against your lips, uncaring of your wide-eyed pout “One more…”

“Nooo.” you whine, wiggling in her grip “I cant…s’too much Rika…” truly, you didn't think you could take another, no matter how good it felt, the first two had been so intense, but Rika only smiles.

“I know you can give me one more, sweet girl.” she purrs, watching as you squirm and shake your head like you could actually deny her. “Will you stop being a brat if I told you this one will also get me off?”

At that, your squirming stops as you blink tiredly up at her, earning a chuckle and a fond shake of her head.

“R-really?”

“Yeah, s’nice n easy on you too…you wanna try?”

You seriously doubted she could get another out of you, hell, you seriously doubted you could stay awake for much longer, her initial plan definitely working…but if it brought her pleasure too…

“O-ok…I’ll try…”

“That’s my girl.” She whispers softly, pressing just as soft a kiss to your lips “Lay back for me, princess.”

You do just that, shifting a few pillows to get comfortable, if you thought your joints ached before, now you felt like you've made the trip to the three final gyms today on foot…perhaps you should make Koraidon his favourite sandwich as thanks for carrying you around all day.

You feel Rika take hold of one of your legs, lifting it so your knee bends over her shoulder as she settles into place, finally free of her own bottoms as she slots her pelvis against yours. You gasp at the feeling of your cores pressing together. It felt…soft, but almost way more intimate and intense than anything she’d done to you prior…whatever she was doing, definitely wasn’t covered in any sex-ed class you’d taken back in school.

You’re about to ask, when she rolls her hips and oh-

Perhaps it was your already overstimulated state, or just the position itself, but as she slowly grinds herself against you, the friction leaves you breathless, even more so when you look at Rika’s face. Her brow is furrowed in deep concentration as she bites at her bottom lip, face contorting in pleasure as she groans into your knee, her nails digging into the soft flesh of your thigh as she rolls her hips just a little harder, the pain only adding to the sensation.

“S-shit…” she pants, “fuck you feel so good…good girl..” she moans, head tilting back as she stares up at the ceiling, shuddering when you whimper and lift your hips as she rolls down again, sending another jolt of pleasure through you both. “That’s it princess, j-just like that… you’re gettin real good at this…”

Her words of pleasured praise do…something else to you, sparking that last bit of energy you had left to life as you continue to try and keep rhythm with her, grinding together slow and deep and watching in awe as the first member of the elite four comes apart in front of you for the first time, her sounds going from quite whispers to long moans and pleasured keens.

“Rika- R-rika…” you pant “mmf-fuck… can’t believe it’s taken this long..” the words are out of your mouth before you have the forethought to think about them “I’ve had the stupidest crush on you since we first met back when I was taking the gym challenge… you were so- ah! H-handsome and intimidating…I…thought you were a-a man and nearly called you S-sir-”

“FUCK-” her shout actually makes you jolt, and you realise she’s cumming, cunt grinding deliciously into your own as she bites down on your leg, the sudden extra jolt of pleasure-pain sending you over the edge as well with an open-mouthed scream.

Somewhere in the haze before you pass out, you make a mental note to try calling Rika ‘sir’ next time…if there was a next time.

–

It’s light out when you wake the next morning, blinking sleep from your eyes as you look out the window.

Seems the snow had only picked up during the night, most of which you don't remember after…well, everything. Save for a straw in your mouth, Rika’s gentle voice coaxing a few sips of fluid into you, and a damp cloth wiping you down, hushing your overstimulated whimpers of protest.

Somehow she’d even managed to get you dressed again without waking you…you must have crashed hard. Yet the thing that sticks out to you is that the bed is severely lacking in another body, Rika nowhere to be found.

At first, a pit of worry sows itself into your gut. Had she gone to sleep on the couch after all that? Had she had second thoughts-

A clatter from down the hall, and her warm laughter however, abate that somewhat.

“You’re such an ungainly thing.” you hear her snicker “Hold on a second it’s nearly done, needy lizard.”

Koraidon’s telltale ‘i'm hungry and sad, feed me’ whine quickly turns to happy chirping at the promise of food, his head turning to the hallway as you shuffle out of bed, blanket and all to trudge down the hall. happily leaving Rika to her business as he trots over to greet you, shoving his massive snout right into your belly.

“See? All your complainin’ woke her up!” Rika snorts, resting a hand on her hip. ��N’here i was trying to make you breakfast before you woke up…”

Your cheeks heat a little at the sentiment.

“Keyword is try…good luck getting any cooking past Koraidon…” you mumble softly, petting said pokemon’s head feathers down as the other trainer leaves the kitchen, pressing a soft kiss to your temple.

“Well, initially I’d enlisted him to help, but that turned out to be a bust..” She snickers. “G’mornin.”

“M-morning..”

Rika tilts her head at you with an amused grin “aw, actin all shy after everything that happened last night?” she muses, chuckling when all the response you give is a slightly redder face before you drop your head into Koraidon’s feathers. Her amusement soon melts away as a warm, now intimately familiar hand, comes to rest on your back.

“Hey…” she sighs “I enjoyed myself last night… I hope you did too…”

“I-I did… its just…I…” you nibble at your bottom lip, unable to come up with the words to describe how you’re feeling. Giddy and nervous, emotional and excited, all wrapped up into one package.

Thankfully, your companion seems to take it in stride, pressing another kiss to your temple before she returns to the kitchen.

“Oh by the way.” She pipes up after a moment. “Geeta called this morning…snow’s a little too heavy today so HQ’s shut…looks like we have a long weekend.”

Oh, an extra day off? That's probably the best news you could have gotten today, considering your legs were still shaking like a newborn deerling…

“Nice..” you giggle, slowly shuffling towards the couch, pulling her blanket up over your shoulders as you flop down by the arm and get cozy.

“Thats what I said.” She snickers, soon joining you with a hot plate of food. If you’d thought the galarian curry last night had been good, this trumped it, your body screaming for food after last night’s exertion.

“Y’know, if you want…you’re more than welcome to crash here for the weekend…” Rika throws the offer casually as she eats, content smile upon her face as she watches you from the corner of her eye “Snow’s only gotten heavier since yesterday, n’I don't wantcha getting hurt tryina get home..”

This time, you can hear the intent behind her words, the intent you couldn’t read yesterday as you turn your head towards the window, to the almost whiteout of Masagoza. You contemplate the offer as you polish off your breakfast, placing the plate on the coffee table before you, watching as Koraidon happily trots up to lick the plate clean with a happy chirp.

“Hmmm…well, if you’re happy to have me…who am I to say no…sir.” you know it’s cheeky, you know it’s going to end badly for you, but watching Rika’s face suddenly go from cool, calm and collected, to beet red is totally worth it before she shoves the last mouthful of her own food into her mouth, slamming the plate onto the table before she grabs you by the collar of your shirt and hauls you up.

You cackle all the way down the hall as she all but drags you back to the bedroom.

You were in for a long weekend indeed.

#pokemon scarlet and violet x reader #Rika x reader #elite four rika x reader #Rika x reader smut

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authorhjk1 · 1 year ago

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December Special

(I will update this post regularly)

Hi everyone!

I'm planing on writing exactly five chapters throughout December, which means every Sunday. You guys can send me requests until November 12th. After that, we will decide together, which of the requests I will write. Everytime I get a request for this event here on Tumblr or on Wattpad, I will put it on the list in this post.

You can request anything, it can be completely different from my story. The requests, which I've already gotten and didn't add to this list, will appear in the actual story I am currently writing.

I will not write anything about minors (obviously) and I will only add requests, which I am comfortable with (If I am just not into a certian kink, it is hard to write and I think the smut will suck then).

I will sort the requests by groups/ soloists. You can put in more than one request. I'm also reserving one chapter for actresses only, since I feel like there not as many smuts about them (But I'm afraid I don't know that many).

Update:

I will structure the voting as followed:

Everyone has four votes aka I will do four polls, since there are four chapters to be picked. The voting will take place from the 12th of November until the 26th. You can still send me requests during that time, but be aware that the people who already voted might not look at the poll again, until it's decided. I will encourage the people on Wattpad to vote on Tumblr, so that everyone is able to follow the process. But if that's not possible for some, I will allow dms or comments.

I will not announce the winners. I like to keep it interesting so prepare to be surprised ;) The order of the chapters will be decided by me.

The release dates will be:

December 9th

December 16th

December 23rd

December 30th

Please bear in mind that I might not live in the same timezone as you, which means the updates might be delayed for some. I will also notify you, if I will not be able to finish a chapter until the deadline, but I will do my best that this will not happen. Of course you never know.

IU:

You meet your exgirlfriend IU at a high school friend's wedding. After the memories of your school times come back, the two of you sneak off.

Dreamcatcher:

After just being hired by Dreamcatcher Company, you are already tasked with shooting Jiu's and SuA's special clip. Jiu knows that you are an Insomnia and that SuA is your bias. Maybe you will get to shoot another type of special clip with the two of them, thanks to Jiu.

After another exausting week, Gahyeon visits her boyfriend, who is currently living on Jeju island. Once she gets there, she realizes, that he is cheating on her with someone else. As she walks in, Gahyeon sees SuA,who is already bouncing on top of her boyfriend.

Red Velvet:

You and Irene are coworkers with a special history. The two of you tried out more kinks and positions and places than even married couples. But some things are still missing. Luckily, Irene has a friend, who is working in your company as well. Kang Seulgi. The young intern, who got hired a couple of weeks ago. You were planning on welcoming her properly anyways.

Being a demon has its up and downs. But there is one thing you will never get tired off. People who summon you. Either for fun, or because they are convinced that there aren't any supernatural beings. Or, In this case, three gorgous women, who want to experience more than just meaningless sex with strangers. Joy, Seulgi and Yeri have only one thing in mind, while they summon you.

(G)-idle:

You have worked with a couple of idols already. THey are often models and embassadors for brands after all. Now you are tasked with filming a small video to promote Jimmy Choo's newly designed dress. The woman who appears in your studio is no other than Cho Miyeon.

Itzy:

Yuna has always been quite kinky. But her Christmas present for you this year is on another level. It's Ryujin. She is kneeling on her bed, wrapped in red lingerie and a bow like a gift. Her hands are tied behind her back, while her eyes are covered with a red blindfold.

Le Sserafim:

You have already tried everything. Drinking warm milk with honey, listening to music, reading a book. Nothing. Working out, spending more time on your job. Nothing. Even after bringing that girl home last night, Yunjin, you vaguely remember her name, didn't help at all. You still can't fall asleep. It's late at night and you are lying in bed once more. Sleepless. THen, your doorbel rings. That must be your neighbour. Chaewon. After telling her about your insimnia, she said she might know something.

Twice:

Going to college is already hard enough, considering your background. Bad grades, devorced father, stepmother and stepsister and so on. The only reason you got in was because of your scholarship. You are not a good student. But a talented football player. And now everything becomes even more difficult. While trying to learn for your upcoming test, someone nocks on your door. Tzyuy, your stepsister. Her and her mom, Jihyo, seemed to have gotten in ahuge fight once again. Can you cheer her up?

Girls Generation:

The one thing you love most about your job is the fact that you see beautiful women pretty much every day. Being a photographer enables you to make them take almost any kind of pose in any kind of outfit. Of course, when you started your career, you never thought about it like this. Until you meet Im Yoona.

Cross groups/soloists:

IU's and Kang Seulgi's competition started, when they caught each other, having sex backstage during an award show, a couple of months ago. At first, it picked up slowly. Random challenges, send via text on the kakaoTalk app, answered by pictures as proof of the accomplished mission. Now, the two of them are tied, desperate to come up with something new. Luckily, IU and Seulgi have alot of fans, who are more than happy to help them out.

One thing idols do best is taking pictures. For Istagram for Facebook, you name it. And Jini is no exception. But this time, unbeknownst to her fans, there is a reason why she only uploaded pictures with her upper body visible. Reading the comments afterwards makes her smile. If only they knew what was going on.

Idols are always stressed, overworked and tired. On top of that, they can't even relax properly. They have to be carefull about heir food, words and actions. And one thing, that some people might neglect, is sexual satisfaction. That becomes a problem for Karina, Jihyo and Eunbi. Having bigger breasts only adds to their problems. Due to stress, their milk production starts to rise. When three of them invite you to join their pre-Christmas party, they obviously have ulterior motives.

December is always hectic for you. Luckily, you are sometimes able to blend out the real world and immerse into kpop. You are a member of a few discord channels and Reddit communities. One night, you see there is only one other person in one specific chatroom. The two of you send each other spicy pics and gifs of your favourite idols, like you usually do. Suddenly, you receive similar kind of pictures from an unknown number. Pictures of Kazuha. Asking your online friend about it, he actually is experiencing the same, but with pictures of An Yujin. What is this about? And what is the last picture you receive? A condom? What is going on?

You immediately harden at th sight of your coworker in her stage outfit. Karina looks like a holy being as the makeup artist finishes her job. She looks up at you through the mirror nervously. You are not supposed to be here. You are perfoming soon as well, your own group is getting ready in the next room. But sometimes, like today, Karina gets stressed and worried before her perfomance. The two of you sneak off, finding a closet that seems perfect for your purpose. You freeze in the door as you see Irene between Taeyeons's legs.

Actresses:

You knew this might happen. You read the script of your new role in the upcoming kdrama. And yet, you are surprised, when your co-star pulls you aside after filming that day. Seo Yeaji's face can switch in a heartbeat. From a cold and emotionless mask, to an adorable, cute smile. While she asks you, if the two of you could practice that one scene, her face shows a new expression. Lust. It's quite a spicy scene after all.

Hong Chayoung is a very skilled and succesful lawyer at the law firm Wusang. Being the Babel Group's legal representative, she does everything to win against the opposition. You used to be a member of Park Seokdo's Ant company. After having a rough time, you decided to start an honest life. But Chayoung is afraid you are going to spill Babel's secret in the upcoming trial (No spoilers for "Vincenzo", hoping for a season two!!!)

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newbookcats · 2 days ago

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Why Do We Love to "Hate" the Unlikable Female Heroine? | A Discussion About Every Reader's Favorite Guilty Pleasure

To read more posts like this, visit my blog: https://newbookcatsreads.blogspot.com/

A reader's favorite guilty pleasure is assuming that the sharp wits, scathing remarks, and morally questionable actions of fictional characters are aimed directly at us. These books we have associated as our safety nets do anything to catch us during jarring experiences and the emotional turmoil that typically follows.

For instance, every time I revisit Cassandra Clare's The Infernal Devices trilogy where she showcases a love triangle with only right angles, I consistently brace myself from Will Herondale's cold remarks veiling his (obvious) affection for Tessa Gray and any cruel schemes completed by Jessamine, Nathan, Magister or other villains--not that the Magister's manipulation of his soul-fueled robot army sucks away any remorse I have toward his sorrowful past lending to his desires for revenge against Shadowhunters. Still, their flaws feel personal, their choices oddly intimate, and somehow, their imperfection makes the story better.

Moreover, despite the immediate hatred we are expected to feel for villains and their callous schemes, there are surprisingly many literature heroines widely disliked by readers--and by extension, the family members of said readers who have to listen to thorough dissections of the heroine's role in the story and cry spells resulting from the heroine's ultimate sacrifice to rescue their loved ones from poisoned cake.

And, while Joey undeniably reflects every reader in this scenario, I would also like to express how not-sorry I am for my past and future actions regarding my favorite novels and character.

Still, this begs the question: why do we love to hate these unlikable heroines, particularly the sharp-tongued, self-centered, and sometimes just plain mean ones that somehow steal the spotlight and keep us turning the pages until the night turns into day?

Warning: All of the declarations written by me and featured on this blog are my opinions. I'm an amateur literature dissectionist; further, I barely know how to write a story without one or many plot holes. Please respect my opinions. Moreover, if you share an opinion in the comments, I will respect your takes--even the burning hot ones--regardless of how I personally stand on an issue. If you come across a statement that you have an issue with, I highly recommend for you to consult your local librarian or book club to discuss incidental symptoms of hotheadedness, insomnia, snarky comments, frequent book hangovers, and possible death. This post is not recommended as book therapy or associated treatment for people with high prevalence of the above symptoms, and it is recommended for all readers to proceed and share at their own risk. Thank you!

First, let’s address societal expectations. Women in fiction are often expected to be likable, relatable, or at the very least, redeemable. For example, Sansa Stark from George R. R. Martin's Game of Thrones is everything expected of a young woman readied to marry the heir to the Seven Kingdoms: obedient, soft-spoken, and well-mannered albeit a rare occurrence of sass reserved for her siblings. However, throughout a series of torturous character-defining moments as Martin's story progresses, Sansa transforms into a woman that readers strongly admire yet fear. Strong-willed, resilient, and loyal in favor of Daenerys and her brother Jon's resistance against the presently-ruling Lannister family, she earns both fans and enemies; however, her power-hungry tendencies and ambitious attitude show another complexity to her character--even allowing readers to outspokenly crave a downfall in her plans.

Another instance would be when Celeste in Kiera Cass’s The Selection series is painted as the vain and ruthless "mean girl" who is laser-focused on attaining Prince Maxon's heart and the deeply coveted title as Queen of Illéa. But as the trilogy progresses, Celeste surprises readers by risking her life to protect Maxon and America, her competitor. Slowly through the trilogy, her vulnerabilities are revealed, suddenly transforming her from a villain we loved to hate to someone we grudgingly admire. Similarly, Nina Zenik from Leigh Bardugo’s Six of Crows is introduced as unapologetically brash and self-assured. Despite included as a protagonist of the story, she undeniably embodies traits that readers often find polarizing, making her a magnet for both admiration and critique from readers. These are classic cases of an unlikable heroine being redeemed by layers of complexity and growth.

Meanwhile, male characters, can brood, break hearts, and make all kinds of morally questionable choices while still being applauded as society's next "bookish boyfriend" and excused as “complicated” or “nuanced.” So when an author drops an unlikable female heroine into our laps, she feels refreshing.

But here’s the thing: unlikable heroines reflect real women. Not everyone is a people-pleaser or a cinnamon roll who always says the right thing at the right time. And, let’s be honest, who wants to be?

Unlikable heroines challenge the idea that women must be palatable to be worthy of storytelling. Instead, they showcase flaws in ways that resonate with readers who might see themselves in the unfiltered messiness.

Take, for instance, Cersei Lannister from Martin's Game of Thrones. Yes, despite not being a heroine, Cersei's story is a masterclass in making readers simultaneously love and hate a character. Her snark, cruelty, and morally questionable choices make her divisive. Yet, when her full intentions of keeping her family, especially her children, not only safe but alive in the midst of a dragon-led rebellion are revealed, many readers, especially those who are mothers or caretakers of a family member, suddenly see her in a new light. Still, this begs us to consider if Cersei as a bitter, vengeful, yet deeply loyal woman deserves a redemption arc or if she is irredeemable and should be punished with more than just rotten tomatoes.

Moreover, there’s a fine line between flawed and unbearable. When done well, unlikable heroines make us question our own biases.

Why does her ambition feel “too much” to me? Am I uncomfortable with her choices because they’re immoral or because they challenge societal norms?

But when done poorly, these characters turn into nothing more than plot devices for shock value or an author’s attempt at forced edginess, becoming caricatures overdressed in universally condemned values and unlikeable personality traits. For example, Storee from Megan Quinn’s How My Neighbor Stole Christmas is a prime example of this. On the surface level, she is quirky and sarcastic, traits that easily evoke adoration. But after further reading and analysis, her incessant snark crosses into grating territory, leaving some readers (ahem, me) rolling their eyes more than rooting for her. It’s a balancing act, and when that balance is off, even the most forgiving audience may find themselves not finishing that supposed "feel-good" story in lieu of reaching for another one.

Still, I believe unlikable heroines have a place on our shelves. They force us to engage critically with our stories, question our assumptions, and maybe even confront our own unlikable traits. Moreover, as I have matured and been exposed to more complex pieces or stories including advanced topics, I have come to enjoy reading about morally gray protagonists--even so far as looking forward to their written presence. Albeit their misunderstood pasts or questionable intentions within their fictional universes, it is refreshing to encounter characters who are neither strictly virtuous or are perpetually untarnished by faults or temptations.

Albeit not a female heroine, it's refreshing to consider that even the holiest figure of them all, Jesus, in the Bible was admittedly tempted by the devil several times throughout His life and during His preparations. Moreover, He questioned His purpose and final sacrifice. These situations and similar ones dispersed throughout the Bible remind readers that absolute perfection is unattainable for anyone...even for the son of a deity.

And, returning to non-biblical figures, morally gray characters resonate with audiences, when written correctly, because they reflect this messy, intricate reality of humanity that is complicated, often selfish, and undeniably flawed. Everyday, we face that perfection is strictly an illusion, and these characters remind us that these slight imperfections can be captivating, successfully driving a story forward and establishing a character as a timeless literary figure and, oftentimes, an inspiration for others. The complexities of these characters not only challenge us to question our own moral compass but to find empathy in the most unexpected places. And, that includes the countless number of family members and friends I entrusted to hear my most vulnerable thoughts about these characters.

And on a higher note, these characters are fun to include in thoughtful debates and deep philosophical discussions when it comes to values and beliefs--and who doesn’t love a good bookish debate with both readers and non-readers alike?

So, what’s your take? Are unlikable heroines misunderstood gems or literary landmines? Albeit YOUR literal perfection, which characters or literary scenes encouraged you to reflect on your own morals or biases? Is it possible for these unlikable heroines (like Cersei Lannister) to earn redemption from readers, or what are some common traits and actions that make this option widely opposable (such as in the case of the Magister)? Leave your hot takes below (bonus points if you can name a heroine you loved and hated at the same time). Let’s keep this discussion spicy--just like our favorite morally gray protagonists--in the comments below or via my social media accounts.

Love,

Nicole

Goodreads | Instagram | Twitter | Tumblr

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zen-the-dumb · 1 year ago

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Iwaizumi Hajime Hurt/comfort Headcannons

Okay. So I know the polls aren’t done, but i saw that the most people wanted Iwaizumi headcannons first, so I am happily obliging

_____________________________________________________________.

So, I made a lapse and forgot to ask what type of Hurt/comfort was wanted- so I'm doing all of them :> (There will be tw’s marking whatever in each sections)

______________________________________________________________

Depression

He is an extremely caring partner. He’s also quite protective of you and just wants to see you happy and contented. When he found out that you had struggled with something like this, he was pained that it wasn’t possible to remove your pain from you. He would have taken all of your pain if he had the choice.

I think he would do his best to understand what you are going through to the absolute best of his ability. He wants to see you happy, therefore he will study up on everything about depression and try to help you be happy again. This includes helping you find a therapist, counselor, psychologist, whatever.

He will help you with whatever struggle you are going through. He is like your shoulder to lean on.

Iwaizumi wants to be there with you whenever you have panic attacks, breakdowns, etc. He feels like he’s responsible for making sure that you have someone to rely on in those hard moments.

Insomnia

For a partner with insomnia, Iwaizumi would be more concerned for your health than anything else. He’s worried about how it effects your mental health as well as physical health.

To help with your sleeping issues, I think he’d suggest different brands of sleeping pills after researching the best ones. If you can’t afford the medication, he will buy the medication for you. (He just wants you to get sleep and be healthy <3)

Severe anxiety

Hajima will not hesitate to drop whatever he is doing to come and comfort you during an anxiety attack. He can tell that it causes you pain and irrational amounts of fear, so he wants to make you feel safe.

Music. Will let you share his headphones and he’ll sit next to you with his arm around you while you both listen to his playlist or something.

It’s honestly one of his favorite things to do to calm you down by just wrapping himself around you whenever you both aren’t in public or anything.

If you are the type to wake up in the middle of the night with extreme anxiety attacks, he has told you to just call him whenever it happens. No matter what time, he will pick up.

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

He saw your self-harm on accident. He immediately demanded to know why you had done it.

He asked what you did it with, and if it was something that was not a part of your body (What i mean by this is like if its a blade or something) he took it from you and locked it in his locker or something.

He isn’t angry at you by any means. He is just sad that he couldn’t stop you before you had done it. He was mad at himself.

Everyday, while you’re healing, Iwaizumi will dress your wounds. He removes bandaids/bandages, gauze, and cleaned them to keep them from getting infected.

______________________________________________________________

*_Requests are open, check profile for details_*

If anyone has other hurt.comfort avenues they’d like me to explore, comment or DM me and ill make another post.

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da-owo · 7 months ago

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GOOD MORNIFN TUMBLR IT IS CURRENTLY 2 PM FOR ME AN I AM FEEELIN VERY GOOD VERY COMIC MOTIVATED to answer some questions tho - do i sleep? absolutely even if its only a couple hours i have horrible insomnia and i tend to have to exhuasted myself to an extreme deal if i want to sleep more then 3 hrs which is why sometimes ill be alive at 4 or 5 am , this is also why i stated updates will be random , tho i dont like posting at 3 am i will if i want to move onto my next project -you've noted my bio says full time nsfw artist , is there going to be nsfw in the comic? if there is it will not be plot related and it will kept to my nsfw accounts ( i will not be sharing a link here or in the comments of this post as i have already shared where you could find that content ) - i'm really fast how am i getting this much done this fast? i work from home an yes do art full time , i do live in stream commissions so i just have "trained" my self to move faster when it comes to my art that way i can do more then just one persons commission in stream so now out of habbit i go go go go i've been called the "amazon prime" "same day shipping" artist haha tho sometimes a really really big piece comes through an that is a all day project but nonetheless anyone can practice enough to do stuff fast i also have been a full time artist for 5 years now ( sometimes even just taking a day to do fast sloppy sketches really helps with getting speed but speed should not be you main focus your growing as a artist and should enjoy the process and the art you make <3 -anything cosplay related , since i have gotten a vast amount of questions there -my wigs are all to mostly from arda wigs ( my jack frost and danny wig is a jet wig from arda, jacks is a silver in jet and danny's is a pure white in jet but i cut it in half to dye the under cut black ) if my wig isnt from arda they are mostly from amazon map of beauty is a good start for someone who wants a cheap wig to start with - i have been cosplaying for almost 12 years now i do not use name brand make up tbh my foundation is super stay from walmart in the lightest shade since i dont get to see the sun very often haha , i will always recommmend TRANSULUCENT setting powder -Contacts! yes sometimes i wear them but my eyes are very sensitive and i am very blind so most the time i am just editing them to the color i need them lol please stay away from ttdeye contacts they can damage your eyes DO NOT SHARE CONTACTS if they hurt TAKE THEM OUT NOW , contacts can cut and damage your eyes very easy - my jack frost cosplay staff , my staff is over 6ft tall ( i am not very short so i had to make it sized to me ) its a pvc pipe i had laying around and on the top there is a piece of a different broken prop hot glued to hell and back and heat shaped to make the hook then i i cut up a bunch of random lengthed shapes of foam and glued it around from the base to the very top and then sat there with my hot glue gun and added wood texture with hot glue , painted it a off brown , then dry brushed white all over it my staff is not perfect but for having made it all in one day i love it

if i missed anything feel free to ask im sure have an answer haha also been debating a name for my comic so might be refering to it as the golden dream but im unsure if i want to commit to it haha

#ramblings

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tiikerikani · 2 months ago

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Enough is enough

I've been in an insomnia death spiral for a while, and it is REALLY BAD right now. I sometimes say that I wish days were 28 hours long so I can fit everything in, but at the moment I'm thinking I need 32-hour days, if not longer. My brain is flat-out nope-ing out of work and it is even more exhausting trying to goad myself into doing it.

It was Senpai's birthday a couple of weekends ago, and while I'd already delivered my greeting (and a small pencil sketch) to him at the book launch, I also wanted to do something meaningful for the occasion, and I think that he would have been 100% behind me doing this:

I dug out the post-it note on which the one psychiatrist at the beginning of the panini, who had actually listened to me (see footnote 4), gave me the name of a place that does neuropsychological testing in English, and I emailed them. So I'll be having a consultation with one of their clinicians next week to get that process started.

Back then I'd balked at the price (and it was quite out of my budget at the time, almost a months' rent), and it still is a LOT of money (with the various followups and formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist and so on it will definitely be more than that especially when I don't have the health insurance that Old Job had provided), but I am in a bit better situation financially now.

I wrote "actually listened to me" in paragraph 3 because every other psychiatrist I talked to since then had been incredibly dismissive of my experiences. It's especially frustrating when you pour yourself out to them, about how so many of your eccentricities and the traumas of your childhood suddenly make sense when considered in light of what we now know about (inattentive) ADHD, and they tell you to your face that no, you don't have it, go take a nap. One doctor at least gave me an official referral to psychotherapy but I didn't use it because 1) you're on your own to find a therapist (good luck, lol), 2) you have to pay for most of it anyway, and 3) it's not going to be effective if it doesn't address the root cause(s) behind that trauma.

On further reflection, I now realize that these "death spirals" were not ordinary burnouts (if that can even be a thing) but specifically ADHD burnouts, so it's even more imperative that I get to the truth at the bottom of this. It can very well be that I'm too damn tired for tests to properly show my baseline, but structured cognitive/behavioral/whatever tests will have some kind of rubric and maybe even quantitative measurements so it will be less about how they feel about what I tell them about myself but what the scores say about it.

But what's more, I now have copies of the figurative receipts. When I was visiting my parents last year I made scans of all my old report cards and other school records (that Mom meticulously organized and kept). Not every single page but those with grades or teacher/parent comments on. I don't really have any interest in reading through them myself. Some of the criticisms areas for improvement my teachers had for me are still etched in my mind 30 years later, because I couldn't "fix" them then (and not for lack of trying) nor really understand why I should (be like normal people), and still can't and don't. I will not enumerate them here.

_________

TL;DR:

I don't care what it costs (a lot) but I am (finally) getting my damn brain tested for ADHD because I can't manage it on my own anymore while pretending to the world (and the world trying to tell me) that my problems have nothing to do with it.

#personal #adhd #probably c-ptsd things #senpai can't fix this #some things you just gotta throw money at

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shine-reblogs · 1 year ago

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Submachine Legacy: additional commentary (Monoliths, Shattered Quadrant, and other details)

Apparently I am NOT done talking about this game, lol. To see me talking about the main levels + optional ruins, check my previous post. Beware of spoilers.

General comments

I must comment on the map/menu/however this is called because I noticed (rather late) on my going back and forth the details literally surrounding each level. Namely, how level 3 and 'break the loop' are in the middle a spiral, I assume to symbolize the loopy nature of the locations. Level 6 is in the middle of an octagon, kind of like a shield, which goes well with it being the defence systems of the Submachine. Level 7 lays in the middle of many more concentrical circles, which I'm guessing has to do something about it being the Core of the Submachine. And level 8 rests against seven parallel lines, which goes nicely with you jumping through the seven main layers in that level.

I may be, once again, reading too much into details, but I think it makes enough sense and I like it. Kind of wondering now if level 9 shouldn't have something special about it too as the Knot.

Anyway.

Monoliths/Secrets

So, I was right in the end that we'll have to come back to this with the navigator, but wrong in the we actually can't take the navigator with us and must jump back and forth between levels (so much going back and forth). Anyway, this gives us new tidbits of Submachine lore (which is nice).

This goes on in the Lighthouse. Love how the fact that different versions of the game exist is being incorporated to the lore.

Finally figured how this one worked out. Turns out in the end the Loop did have a layer coordinate thingy (which I started suspecting when I didn't find one at level 7 either) it just was hidden as a secret. Kind of a pity, since I liked the idea of loops being something that maybe existed outside/beyond layers maybe. It's not like I had a lot of time to think about this/develop it into a proper theory, so it's not like I was super attached to it either, so it's fine.

Lots of portals but no notes in level 4 (that I remember, I binge-played the unlocking Monoliths and it's kinda blurry what is from what level. Should have named the screenshots, lol). BUT! We finally can unlock that door from Sub4, which was satisfying.

Level 5 is as in 4, meaning no notes found. But again, I like how you could finally see what was behind that closed door though!

Lots of goodies in level 6! It was nice to get extra content while also keeping the 'secret' notes we had in the originals. Go hunting lore.

I love this. I love the note talking about the significance of 32 when it's something we've all collectively lost our minds about. I love this xD

Here we got the same notes we did in the originals, but as a matter of fact I did not remember the one screenshot here and WHAT?! If I weren't so sleepy right now I'd be talking about it probably (as it is I am surprised I can write anything with a semblance of coherence right now, may my insomnia fuck off and leave me alone).

I'm gonna be very honest, I needed the help of the very kind people making guides on Steam for this because I had all the secrets but couldn't figure out how to access the secret room (previously I got the opposite problem, could access the portals but didn't have the secrets to power them). The notes are the same that we had in the originals.

And last but not least level 10, were I thought there was only one secret area but there were two! I thought it wa really cool that you use the pearls and stone cubes for this.

The notes here seem to be more or less the same as the originals, but thw wording has been changed some and we're also being teased about the Engine which has me vibrating.

All in all, nice little extras! Shattered Quadrant will come in the reblogs when I get to play it (yes I know I'm slow playing. Do not judge me)

#submachine #submachine game #submachine legacy #shine is random #shine posts

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freezingwhitefire · 3 months ago

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Once again, tumblr first and ao3 second. Here is day 2's fic for whumptober. Warnings for ptsd issues, insomnia (referenced not really happening here), bad self care and coping habits. If I need to add more warnings please let me know, it's almost 1:30 am when I post this and I have no idea what warnings I need to include beyond those right now.

It would be like saying Wind was familiar with water to say Time knew where they were. When they’d exited the portal his heart leapt to his throat and it was all he could do to walk forwards, following behind Warriors who had gone for the nearest and biggest town. Everything around them was painfully familiar, a sight he had seen so very often for months if not longer. His eye trailed over the familiar buildings, numb to the people that were equally familiar to him. The soft murmurs that followed the group went unnoticed as Time felt his shoulders tense, the urge to haunch down and make himself smaller was only something to fight against.

“Hey, it looks like there is an inn ahead.” Warriors commented.

“Finally! I am looking forward to a nice warm bath.” Legend replied.

Wind nodded his agreement and Time felt a smile spread across his face at their enthusiasm even as he felt even more separated from the group. He noticed how Twilight was shooting him a concerned look and gave him a questioning look in response.

“Do you think it’s safe to stop here?”

No. “It should be fine. I doubt there is anything that will attack us here in town.”

It wouldn’t. The Skull Kid knew better by now, he’d at least tried to help his friend with that, and with the Mask no longer possessed the only one they might have to worry about was the thief and if any of them ran afoul of him they should know better. Time didn’t say any of that though, instead he tried to make his smile more reassuring, wanting to ease Twilight’s concern.

"They worry for you."

"They shouldn’t."

"Why?"

Time had nothing to say in reply to that question and simply focused on getting to the room that Warriors managed to arrange for them. His gear was set aside, his armor removed and Time settled to tend to it before he left to do something else. As he worked he kept a partial eye on the others hearing their plans. Hyrule felt the Great Fairy and was going to visit her. He knew usually he would go as well but he couldn’t bring himself to care enough to get up.

Warriors wanted to see what shops were available and Wind chimed that he would go with him. Sky and Four were going to look for a smithy so Four could make some repairs to Sky’s shield and they might be able to stock up on some of those supplies. Twilight and Wild were going to find somewhere to buy food, probably also medical supplies if they could, Time wanted to tell them the best place for those was outside the town in the swamp but that would lead to questions… much like telling Four and Sky to head for the mountains would. Instead he forced himself to focus on his armor while doing his best to ignore the looks being sent his way.

Even Legend was watching him with concern and Time wanted to laugh at him. The veteran was seeing what always worried them about his own behavior it seemed. When the others all finally left, Time set his armor aside. There was a small voice in his head that told him to put it on before he left but Time ignored that voice, determined to stay relatively unnoticed which the metal would not allow. The path to the deck on the roof was familiar though he hadn’t traveled it in years. Climbing up on top of the higher roof was less familiar and had once only been a passing thought. Now he was able to get up there and to settle where he could watch over most of the town.

The sight of the moon high above the tower was familiar. Far more familiar than he wanted to admit it was. Time’s right hand started to play with the strap of his left gauntlet, it was one of the few signs he allowed of how stressed he felt just being here. It reminded him of how snappish Legend typically got when they pressed him for information on his home. Maybe he should do that if they asked, the thought brought a small smile to his face.

"You would regret it."

"Probably, but it might get the looks to stop."

He knew it wouldn’t. Besides the others would be looking for him soon, no doubt wanting to drag him around to share what they found in their exploring. The idea of being shown places here, of having places he distinctly remembered visiting hundreds of times, being shown to him as new places made his throat burn and his stomach clench. The part he felt most nauseous about was that he couldn’t tell them ‘no’ without explaining that this was his nightmare… well one of his nightmares, and then having to explain about that.

His ears twitched as he caught some of the boys returning to the inn and he checked his travel pouch to see if he still had all of his masks with him. It felt stupid to hide from them but Time also knew that if he was with the boys right now they would notice something being off, so very off, and he couldn’t bring himself to ruin their excitement more than he already had. Once he was sure none of them were where they could see him, Time dropped to the ground level at the top of the stairs between the inn and the milk bar. He quickly slipped on the mask for entry and entered the milk bar. As he slipped through the door he heard the familiar ticking and tolling of the tower’s clock. It was disorienting for a moment to hear it and not have it followed by the reminder that he had to hurry.

Inside the bar things blurred a little, he knew he got a couple of drinks and that he settled in a safe corner, one he had seen less than a dozen times unlike almost everywhere else in this kingdom. His hand shook slightly as he drank, that stood out to him and he almost wondered why when he heard it, the tolling of the Clock Tower bell, it was midnight. His breath caught as his heart leapt into his throat. Nausea seemed to crash through him and Time nearly sobbed as he remembered the time he had just watched, waiting for everything to fade away and vanish.

The bell kept tolling.

He could hear a voice reminding him that they needed to hurry.

It was too much.

He had to get out.

After paying for the drinks he’d gotten, Time left the bar. In fact he slipped out of the town. It was easy for him to find the direction he wanted to go in, and he hurried that way, heedless of the eyes of the guard on his back. He was completely oblivious to the trail he left for someone with far keener senses to follow once the others realized he wasn’t returning in a timely manner like usual.

"Where are you going?"

The question was asked with genuine concern and love, but after dealing with so many memories just sitting in a chair in a room he’d seen less than a dozen times, Time didn’t want to answer. Instead once he reached the field he turned and hurried towards a place he knew he could get away from the lively and well meaning eyes. High above the moon loomed, it was a night he wouldn’t sleep anyways… he never did sleep well on full moons, and this one… well he tried not to look up. It would be worse than that time he’d seen one of Wild’s Blood Moons by accident. Just thinking about it almost drew his gaze towards the sky and the moon glowing brightly there.

As he reached the canyon, Time remembered a ‘game’ where he could fight the harder monsters of the land. It sounded like a great exercise while he dealt with his sleeplessness… he really was turning into Legend, finding something like this to get away from memories and explaining them to the others who just wanted to help. It brought a new sympathy for the Veteran even if it would not help prevent him from asking him questions again the next time he saw him trying similar. Turning to the waterfall below the cliff that led into the deadened land full of ghosts Time easily made his way into the cave. There was the ghost that seemed to delight in making those fights possible, sitting there on his ledge while laughing to himself periodically.

“What do you need to keep the fights going?” He asked, earning what he guessed was a surprised look from the ghost who then laughed delighted at his question. Time supposed that since he visited as a child the ghost hadn’t had many if any guests. “I am not interested in prizes, just in fighting.”

“Go on in, I’ll ask for the price when you reach the end of the current group.”

Time nodded and crossed the platforms to the first room. As he entered he decided to limit himself to the gilded sword and his bow. Those would be plenty to deal with these enemies again. In the back of his mind Time could sense the concern of the Deity that kept an eye on him but he ignored that. Maybe if he got tired enough he would be able to rest.

As he fought Time lost track of time, he had been through all of the rooms at least three times. His arms ached, his back burned a little from where one of the poes had gotten lucky, and there were small cuts all over his arms and legs from where he’d deliberately waited until the last possible moment to dodge away from them. It was only when he left the final room again that he noticed a new figure on one of the platforms. The wolf was giving him a look of silent hurt and worry.

Time tilted his head as though asking what he was doing there but instead of transforming the wolf waited for him to approach him. Once he got close enough Wolfie caught his arm loosely with his mouth and started to tug him towards the entrance to the cave.

“I don’t remember saying I was done.”

"Please."

The request from the Deity caused him to pause and Time sighed before reluctantly following Wolfie towards the entrance of the cave. He glanced towards where the ghost had been and saw that he wasn’t there. It seemed that was the last fight he was to have here this visit anyways. Once outside he saw that Wolfie was looking around a bit uncertainly, and huffed rolling his eye.

“Really? You didn’t pay attention while you came to find me?”

Wolfie whined, his ears flattening against his head while both his head and tail lowered.

"Easy child, don’t say something you will regret later."

He wouldn’t. Twilight didn’t deserve his temper after all… not when he was truly angry with himself. Sighing heavily Time picked the wolf up, cuddling him a little as he hopped over a fence. It wouldn’t be high enough to give Twilight trouble in either form but it was as close to an apology as he could muster right then. Wolfie seemed to understand and peered around without fighting to get free from Time’s hold.

“I take it that the others are still at the inn?”

That earned him a huff and a nod that turned into an exaggerated roll of the head. Time smiled faintly, grateful that Twilight realized he wasn’t mad at him. Still he wondered if he owed him something in return for coming to find him. The Deity would likely approve of it, and after he had spent the last… he glanced towards the sky for a moment… five and three fourths hours ignoring him while he was telling him to stop or to use some other weapons to fight with perhaps Time owed him something too.

“I knew I wouldn’t sleep, and figured I would try to deal with… some feelings being here left me with.” The hostility mainly, none of the boys deserved his hostility, and Termina left him numb or angry. It may have helped the others if they knew he had been here before, that he was dealing with so many memories of repeatedly failing and losing and restarting everything over and over again, but that meant having to explain about it while in the middle of the worst of those memories.

Wolfie huffed and bumped his head against Time’s cheek. Time blinked at him and saw sympathy in those blue eyes. He narrowed his own eye at the wolf.

“You tell the others about where you found me and I will dump you in a swamp, got it?” Wolfie gave him a disbelieving look just before Time set him down. “You might want to change back, I have a quick stop to make before I join you all at the inn again.”

Wolfie whined and gave him a softly wounded look. Time gave him his best unimpressed look. Huffing at it Wolfie shifted back to Twilight and his descendant shook his head a bit, trying to resettle back in his Hylian form.

“What’s the stop?”

“I planned to go clean up, unless you think Wind would like to see me in this state?”

Twilight gave him a once over before wincing. Clearly his descendant agreed that he should go clean up.

“Is that a burn I smelled?”

“Probably. The place I am heading has some fairies nearby, I’ll ask if they would be willing to heal me.”

“Are you sure I can’t keep you company?”

“Twilight, if you were sent after me then the others are not resting. Just go let them know I am okay and will be back soon.��

Time had to admit his tone was sharper than he intended and seeing the flinch Twilight tried to hide would make him feel horribly guilty by the time he got back to the inn. It was something he was grateful for honestly. Anything that kept him from that numb remembrance of earlier would be a pleasure to deal with.

“Okay… just, come back safely?”

“I will, now go on.”

He waited until Twilight had actually gone more than halfway to Clock Town before turning to find the little grotto with a pond and a fairy hiding in it. As he cleaned up his cuts and the like Time wondered what to expect once he got back, and if he would be able to find rest today like he failed to do the night before.

“You got away with the crime while the knife is in my back…” he didn’t know where it had come from but the thought seemed to fit. It fit the entire situation all too well. Skull Kid had recovered from the possession, Majora had won so many times, and yet it was Time that was hurting the most from it all. It was Time that was so deeply wounded from what had happened. “I don’t wanna live like this.”

As he said that his hands came up and tangled into his hair. When he pulled a little a small chime drew him from his thoughts, from the memories and the pain associated with them. Blinking he noticed a little fairy in front of him.

“Hello.” He greeted her, offering his hand for her to rest on. She sat with her wings fluttering a little while watching him curiously. “Would you be willing to help heal some wounds I have?”

That got a happy chime and she bobbed up and down before flying around him. The magic was cool and soothing, helping to distract him from his memories as well as from what he was about to walk into. There was no way that the others would be satisfied with him not answering some of their questions, even if he had no intention of actually answering them. Maybe that was the real reason Twilight had been sent to find him.

"You know better than that."

He did. Time closed his eye and tilted his head back.

“Thank you little one.”

The fairy chimed before returning to her hiding place so she could recover from healing him. He ran a hand over his face while trying to think about what he needed to say or do. It didn’t really process through his mind properly and he knew he would just have to go and hope for the best. Standing he groaned, all the aches from the extended fighting seemed to want his attention all at once. Time ruefully admitted to himself that he couldn’t spend hours on end fighting and not experience the consequences anymore. The trek back to the inn was peaceful, as long as he ignored the slow lightening of the town and its surroundings. They threatened to drag him back into memories best forgotten.

“I know you said he would be back, but he should have been back by- Time!” Warriors exclaimed, his eyes scanning over Time in search of injuries. Time crossed his arms and tilted his head, silently demanding to know if Warriors was done with his fussing. “We worried when you were still gone after mid-watch.”

“I left to do some exploring of my own.”

“At night?” Legend asked, confused. His expression showed concern about the answer they had been given.

“What, are you suddenly the only person allowed to leave to explore in the dark?” Time asked, his tone slightly sharper than usual. He remembered to control it seeing Twilight standing in the middle of the room looking concerned.

“I think-” Legend started, approaching Time as though he wanted to corner him and demand to know more.

“Time was out late, we should let him sleep a little.” Four cut in, no doubt catching the way Time’s shoulders had shifted slightly to a more defensive set.

“I agree with Four. Let’s explore the town more. Sky, you mentioned that you wanted to spend today resting so how about you stay with Time?” Warriors suggested, trying to keep the peace.

Time shrugged as he stepped around Legend and Warriors to enter the room. He moved to the bed that still had his pack on it. It didn’t take him long to remove his boots and curl up on the bed in a way that said plainly that he did not want anyone to settle close to him. He didn’t want to feel their warmth, didn’t feel he deserved the comfort, and didn’t think he would actually go to sleep. Sky settled in the chair that had been set nearby then started playing something on his harp. The music combined with his eyes being closed lulled Time to sleep without him really realizing it.

How long he slept Time didn’t fully realize upon waking. Though that was likely due to the way he woke up, the door slamming open and Legend stalking into the room. He was glaring fiercely at Time and Sky was sending him an alarmed look. Time made a small gesture to keep Sky from saying anything suspecting he knew what was causing Legend to react like he was. It seemed he had been right to demand Twilight tell the others nothing.

“Where were you last night?”

“I already said where. I was out exploring.”

“Exploring? You seem to know where we are better than Wolfie does!”

“What is your point?”

“My point is we’re a team, we need to trust one another.”

“I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn’t have been sleeping.” Time pointed out.

Legend shook his head. “That is not what I mean.”

“Then I fail to see your point.”

"My point is you have to trust us."

“Trust you? Or do you mean trust everyone in the group?”

“All of us.”

“No.” Not with this. No matter how disappointed it may make the Deity that helped him so many times in the past.

“Come on, you have to trust us!”

"Coming from you? Really?"

Legend recoiled a little, his hands clenching anxiously at his sides.

"Listen, I know I'm not the best example-"

That was it. Time sat up abruptly, his hand slicing out in a sharp gesture.

"You're the best example... of what to never do!"

"Hey, you two break it up!"

Sky finally got involved and Time both wanted to hug him and to yell at him to go away. He did neither and instead pointed sharply at Legend, who had disturbed his nap.

"I was perfectly fine before he came in here and wanted to have a heart to heart. Send him to speak with the Traveler if he wants to talk about feelings so much."

That had not helped the worry and upset on Sky’s face. Sky shook his head.

"Enough! Please, just... enough. Please?"

The soft plea in that word seemed to linger for a moment. Time felt guilt but it seemed to wash away a little quicker than he wanted it to. Instead silence filled the room. At last he turned away, his shoulders curling in slightly as he tried to make himself smaller while still signaling that he was done with the conversation. It was one of those times he wished he was able to just leave or to hide in one of the small nooks he knew were around.

"I don't know what it is about this place that has you so on edge, and I know you don't want to share, but please... give me something?"

The gentle request from Sky seemed to get through something, some snarl of emotion and memory that lurked inside of Time. He slumped and leaned forwards to bury his face in his hands. Legend was walking closer and without thinking about it Time hissed at him, his one eye glaring at the younger hero in warning.

“Vet, out. Go find Warriors or one of the others.”

“But-”

“I know you want to help but not right now.”

Legend’s shoulders slumped but he obliged, quietly closing the door behind him. Once it was shut and the two of them heard steps moving away from the door Sky turned back to Time.

“So?”

“... I was here for one of my adventures.” Time admitted, his fingertips brushing over the marks on his cheek as he stared blankly across the room. “I was stuck repeating everything over, and over, and over… I… I want to leave. Please Sky?” Time paused and looked at Sky, not realizing that his eye had tears forming in it. “Can we please leave here? I don’t care where else we go, just-”

Sky said nothing and instead simply hugged him. Time shuddered and clung to the knight. He shook harder when he felt fingers running through his hair and then Sky started singing something under his breath, probably some ancient song he’d learned during his journey. Whatever it was Time felt his shoulders slowly relaxing and the tears that he’d denied for so long, that he hadn’t realized still existed after he’d become numb to the pain this whole place caused him, soaked into Sky’s tunic.

Some time later Time became aware of a weight across his legs and something soft tucked around his shoulders. He felt lighter, but still a bit distant from everything. Still a glance told him Wolfie was sleeping on his legs while Warriors’ scarf was tucked around him and Sky both.

“Feeling better?”

“A bit.” Time nodded.

“I’m glad, you should drink some water.”

“Yeah…” Time took the water-skin from Sky and slowly, cautiously drank from it. It was halfway empty when he stopped and slumped against Sky again. “Sorry.”

“It must be difficult.”

“Hmm?”

“Being somewhere that hurt you so deeply.”

Time shrugged then he tensed, realizing that Wolfie laying on him meant the others had been there.

“I told them it was your choice what to share but you were dealing with some old memories that this place brought up.”

That was true, but didn’t explain everything. Time felt absurdly grateful for Sky and his way of helping him with this. His eye ached and exhaustion was setting in again but he didn’t want to sleep. Sleep meant there was a chance for nightmares and this place was a nightmare already.

“They are going to ask for more…” Time murmured, shifting a bit but Sky tightened his arms around Time before he could get too far.

“Time, you always tell us that our past is ours to share or not as we will. It is enough to know this place brings up unresolved memories for you.”

“I hurt them…”

“Not really. We have all been more worried than hurt. Remember when Legend didn’t want to tell us why he wouldn’t go into that one town?”

“What about it?”

“Were you hurt? He snapped at you more than the rest of us.”

“Not really. I was worrie- oh.”

“Yes, oh.” Sky chuckled and leaned his head against Time’s. “Even if they were hurt I think all of us forgive you. I am pretty sure we have all snapped at you because of rough memories in the past. We can spare a little forgiveness for you returning the favor.”

“... I thought maybe exhausting myself would let me rest.” Time admitted. He noticed the confused look on Sky’s face and gave a small shrug before tilting his head towards Wolfie. “When he found me I was at a place where I could just fight ghosts of monsters without hurting anything other than myself. I… told him not to say anything.”

“That was really smart honestly. Say, do you want some company other than me?”

“If you want to go do something else, go ahead. I might just try to sleep again.”

“Okay, well I will leave Wolfie here with you. Wild was saying something about trying to make honey cakes or something like that and I have the feeling you would rather have something else right now.” Sky shifted Time and the scarf as he spoke so that Time was laying on the bed with the scarf tucked gently around him, a reminder that he was loved.

“Sky?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Sky smiled at him as he left the room and Time sighed, slowly relaxing to sleep again. As he’d expected nightmares haunted his sleep, the ticking sound getting stronger and louder while he saw moonglow lighting everything and the face of the moon seemed to leer at him. It taunted him that he failed again and again. Time sat up with a gasp, his eye flitting over everything without really taking it in. A wet nose pressed to his cheek followed by a soft puff of warm air. Time blinked and looked at Wolfie, the soft look in the wolf’s eyes seemed to reach the same place Sky’s question earlier had. Time sighed and leaned against Wolfie, his arm wrapping around him.

Wolfie took that as permission and laid down on top of him completely. Time smothered a laugh as he realized the room was dark and his internal clock told him it was about two in the morning. It didn’t seem to matter though since Warriors appeared and gave Wolfie a stern look. Time gave his brother a slightly wounded look, his arms wrapping around Wolfie protectively.

“You had us worried, Sprite.” Warriors commented, crouching down to run his fingers through Time’s hair. His voice was quiet but not in the way it would be if he was worried about not waking the others. Time blinked before looking around the room. “If you’re dealing with rough memories in the future, please just tell one of us?”

“No promises.”

Warriors’ shoulders slumped in disappointment at that.

“I honestly didn’t realize just how… how it would hit.” He knew it would be bad but not how bad.

“I almost thought somehow you and Legend swapped bodies or something.” Warriors commented, his tone forced to a pitch that sounded joking.

“Hey!” Legend squawked in indignation at that.

Time shook with laughter and felt Wolfie also shaking with mirth.

“Well he isn’t wrong. You’re usually the moody snappy one.” Hyrule commented brightly, sitting up now that Legend had revealed they were all awake.

“It was scary hearing Time snapping at you like that.” Wind commented, leaning against Four’s side while Four looked around the room to check everything.

“Did he deserve it though?”

“He definitely deserved it.” Warriors replied, a grin on his face.

“Agreed, he was trying to demand Time share stuff.”

“Legend!” Hyrule sounded scolding and Time blinked in surprise. He looked at Wolfie who seemed content to watch this.

“What? He was being all secretive and everything.”

“So? You do that all the time when we end up in your era.”

“That’s different!”

Wild slipped over to the chair next to Time’s bed and held his slate out where Time could see a selection of food that Wild had prepared for when he woke up. His eye burned with tears again, seeing the worried look Wild gave him Time smiled and shook his head. He raised his hands where Wild could see them, the others focused on Legend arguing a little with Hyrule and Warriors to notice.

“Overwhelmed.”

Wild nodded then tapped his cheek in a pattern Time learned to recognize as a way Wild said he loved them.

“You need food.”

“Fish?”

Wild looked at his slate then scrolled until he found something before some rice balls and a fish skewer appeared. He set the rice balls where Time could grab them before handing him the skewer. Time started eating and was mostly finished with the fish when he realized that the three that had been arguing were playing some sort of card game while Wind was giving seemingly random directions. Sky and Four were watching them and laughing. Wolfie was watching them but didn’t seem to want to move from pinning Time down, and Wild was ignoring them to make sure Time didn’t need anything else.

Time hummed once he finished the fish and was about to try to sleep more but Wild poked him to prevent it. Time growled softly at Wild but the other hero just grinned and shoved a rice ball into Time’s hand.

“Eat, you’ll have more energy.”

“Maybe I would be up to moving if I didn’t have a weighted blanket pinning me.”

The words were meant to be teasing, but Time was just tired and numb enough they lacked the usual playful tone. Wolfie’s ears tilted back and he moved off of Time. Time sighed and put his hand on Wolfie’s shoulder to keep him from going too far. He sat up and thought about what he should say compared to what he wanted to say. At last he looked at the others, noticing how they were all doing their best to ignore him until he was ready to speak.

“I have been here before. It was… before I ended up in the Captain’s era. It was difficult…” Time paused then he huffed, he wouldn’t really allow that sort of comment to be left alone so he picked his next words carefully. “I was stuck in a time loop here. I have no idea how long it lasted, but by the time I left I just didn’t want to care or have others care. When you see the same people forget meeting you over and over and over again…”

Before Time could say more he was yanked from the bed and wrapped in a tight hug by Wind, Legend, Warriors, Sky and Four. He tensed but relaxed as they started murmuring reassurances to him about not forgetting him and being so glad that he had given them a chance.

“I just got to where I reacted with anger or…”

“Or you didn’t.” Legend filled in, suddenly understanding. Time felt the Veteran’s arms tighten around him and finally relaxed a little. They had heard enough to understand, and maybe some day he would tell them more.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you all. Also for just leaving like that.”

“It’s… well a note would have been nice, but I think I can say that we all understand.” Warriors said, his voice kind and gentle.

“Thank you.”

“Of course, but don’t think this means we won’t be dragging you out of here to look around. We have found maybe half of what we were looking for after all.”

Time’s shoulders shook with laughter. He felt so relieved that it was almost like he was floating and the warm arms around him were keeping him tethered to the others, keeping him safe. Tiny hands tugging on his hair caused him to look to see Hyrule weaving a small braid into the golden strands. All of it reassured him that the others understood and forgave him.

“Tomorrow we can go to the blacksmith or the potion shop. You can pick.”

“Not both?”

“One is in the mountains while the other is in the swamp.”

“You weren’t joking about dumping me in a swamp, huh?”

Time was shaking with laughter again at the confusion that comment caused. He shook his head. “There really is a swamp here, sorry pup.”

“Well as long as I can trust you not to just dump me into the water I suppose it’s fine.”

“I promise, I won’t dump you into the water without a good reason to.”

“Okay.”

As everyone settled it took Time a moment to realize that they had moved most of the blankets and pillows to the middle of the floor. It took him an almost embarrassingly long time to realize that he felt even more relieved by that since it let him feel them being around him. As soon as those things settled in his mind Time felt his body relax almost completely and he drifted towards sleep. His last thought before he went back to sleep was that perhaps swapping roles in things with Legend wasn’t too bad after all just as long as it didn’t happen too often.

#my whumptober day 2 #not my au but the lu #time lu #twilight lu #sky lu #legend lu #four lu #wild lu #wind lu #hyrule lu #warriors lu #this ended up longer than expected #but here it is #emotional h/c more than anything else

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