#also me: .........jsut one little thing tho *writes big ass rambling post*

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

do you think at the end of episode 5 agatha was purposefully trying to provoke billy to see what he would do/what he could do/how powerful he is

bc the game shes playing in that conversation feels like it has two sides to me. half of it feels kinda earnest (even more so if you put the two scenes at the end of ep5 and ep6 back to back bc shes honest abt how she feels abt him) and the other half is clearly not and the motivations for the game shes playing are still obscure to me but i think basically reconnaissance wouldnt be implausible right?

bc theres smth weird with the magic she got from alice, right? smth seems off with that, doesnt seem to work like it should idk

billy interrupts her and so the defensive impulse is to say she couldnt control it bc thats what you would say whether it's true or not, right, hands off the responsability. i dont know if it's true but i kinda think it is (or hope it to be bc i think it'd be so much more fun if she really cant control it) because of the way she responds to his "dont lie to me". she seems taken aback like she actually wouldnt lie to him. idk if she would, i mean, about something important. technically i guess being neighbour agnes was already lying, but i dont know if she has explicitly lied to him in this show? or if she just refuses to answer sometimes rather. if we dont count lies by omission idk what was i saying

oh yeah, so they get interrupted before we can get clarity on the control thing bc billy says "you wanted her power, thats what it's always been about for you, isnt it" and jen says "of course it is, thats what it is about for all of us" so agatha doesnt get a chance to respond to "you wanted her power". personally im not convinced she did mostly bc it seems like a bad strategy and she clearly knows how to lead, right? and she just begged them not to leave her and killing one of them would not be super good for her odds of not leaving her behind would it. just seems like a bad idea, to me, at this point, and i dont think she'd gamble on it, it worsens her chances rn to kill any of this coven it seems to me. purely strategically, i dont think she wants to just suck every one of them dry once theyve served their trial purpose. before they got on the road, sure, that can work but now? nuh-uh "fly together or not at all" if she still needs one of them she needs them all and taking into account the extremely raw witchhunt/mobbing trauma, i can imagine one of her main preoccupations since they got on the road is just to avoid making them all turn on her

so i dont think she wanted alice's power, necessarily, and then billy says "so that what it means to be a witch? killing people to serve your own agenda? not for me" and then she flips tone

and ive seen people say shes angry and like probably i dont really know the mcu and i dont really know the deal with wanda or what agatha might be feel there, i mean understandably pissed off abt the westview situation sure but what i mostly read here is careful curiosity which is why i said reconnaissance earlier. he says "not for me" and she tilts her head like "oh no? isnt it?" and that could be like annoyed scepticism, and im sure it is partly, but i also think theres a part where she wants to know where he stands then. where he stands and how he can be pushed. bc the rules of engagement have shifted now that hes not hiding or hidden and if she wants to know how to manage him she needs to know his buttons. like in episode 3 when she redirected all the witches from the mystery of the sigil back to the goal of the road. "you want to unbind, you want to reverse your fortune, you wanna find out what happened to mommy". she doesnt know why billy is here and she wastes no time trying to find out bc she needs to bc thats where she has a modicum of hope of control here

so when he says no the power is not for me she needs to figure out what does drive him, which might still be power of course despite his claims, but thats what i think the rest of the scene (including ep6) shes doing

she asks him "are you sure?" see how he reacts. she mentions his mother, she taunts him "pet", see if she can provoke him. and she does. on purpose i think. how convinced is he of his principles, how in control is he of his powers, what can he do, what does he want. and perhaps can she destabilise him enough to get the upper hand again

and she does i think again after she climbs out of the mud. or at least hes not above her anymore, not a threat while shes vulnerable and hes justifiably angry abt a murder shes committed. shes back to leading, she emphasises his lack of control and emotionally destabilising murders

[panszy]

but  ok seriously now i’m tired enough to ramble and not care i’m just gonna talk about undertale and how much it and its characters have changed my life for the better

ok so for the past few hours i’ve been scrolling through undertale blogs and i found a post and it just....clicked as to a big reason why i love it so much: the entire fucking game is about love. and not just romantic, it covers all kinds of love, the entire fucking point of the game at least to me is love. and this wont be coherent because it’s nearly 4 in the fucking morning and i need to sleep but it makes it one of the most heartwarming pieces of media i’ve ever seen (and become fully invested in as a result), the friendship between the characters is heartwarming, the sibling love between the skeleton brothers and royal family sblings is heartwarming, the parental love over frisk and asriel and chara is heartwarming (and heartbreaking...). and everything is so fucking human??? like i cant describe it properly really but i can read hundreds of books and not connect to characters like i do in this video game because everyone is so well rounded and have proper personalities rather than just a few character traits, it’s the way i’ve always wanted to be able to write, the personalities they have and the love they have for each other is beautiful and it’s everything to me because it’s so real???

also my favourite character is papyrus (followed by sans and undyne, who i love equally for different reasons i will probably ramble abt all three who knows??) and oh my god can i just say how much i love this character??? for being so positive all the fucking time and seeing the best in literally everyone he comes across and he’s so sweet but holy fuck it’s his optimism that really gets me because like....if you take away my depression (or not actually?? i get through it every time for a reason lmao) i’m actually also quite an optimistic person who’s able to see the good in literally everyone i meet (like i also genuinely don’t hate anyone) and sometimes it bites me in the ass, and people see it as stupid but papyrus has helped me so much to realise that it’s...not stupid??? i’m well aware that some people suck but sometimes they just need a chance?? and if they fuck up well, that’s it, but they deserve the chance right?? but also everyone treats papyrus like an innocent baby who needs to be protected, and as someone who is often talked down to because i’m optimistic and idealistic and empathetic and let my emotions guide me i can really see why papyrus is actually pretty insecure because being talked at like you’re a kid when you’re an adult feels awful!! the only thing i genuinely properly dislike about papyrus is how much he lies, how much he keeps a face up and pretends to know less than he does around his brother, how often he pretends to like things he doesnt to impress people. but like, even that’s ok because i get why he does it (lonely...) and he’s hardly gonna be flawless, there’s traits in everyone including myself that i dislike, and it feels so well rounded...like ppl often reduce his character to ‘his main character flaw is stupid’ and he’s not stupid but thats beside the point - it’s also not a character flaw like at all. and oh my god i just love him so much he brightens everything up, he’s who i aspire to be is2g (ok maybe just the core of who he is is inspiring to me - his kindess, empathy, optimism, seemingly endless). he also says things that doesnt make sense and i do the same thing, i think weirdly and my friends often ask me what the hell i’m talking about, and i jsut connect to him so much??? so so much 

and fuck fuck fuck i really wanna talk about papyrus and sans because like....ok as a character i love sans, he’s my second favourite along with undyne, i do connect with him less but he’s very interesting (he’s a little overrated and mischaracterised by the fandom sometimes but i’ll let that go for now), and m a n do i connect to his laziness lmao (it’s not just caused by his depression i will fight u on this, i don’t think it helps obviously but as someone who’s depressed AND lazy i can relate on a personal level to him in that sense), but he is funny - not necessarily the awful skeleton puns but like in the ‘oh if you insist on prying me away from my work’ kinda funny, snarky asshole - and i actually really like that he’s a bit of an asshole, he likes to screw with people and he’s won’t fight you unless you’re literally going to end the entire world along with every single timeline (again though, i can really sympathise and get why he’s like this even tho i don’t really relate because he is so fucking well written), but i love that he loves papyrus so fucking much. like i’m a massive sucker for strong sibling relationships (the baudelaire orphans, the way brothers) and this just...oh man, i’m not the biggest fan of the way sans is portrayed in the fandom either but when people who agree with me on that argue that sans doesn’t even care about his brother it infuriates me because that’s...so....wrong??? papyrus is his entire fucking world, the game make that very clear, p much all he talks about is how great his brother is and it’s so cute and blindingly obvious that he means every word he says about that (even if that’s the only thing he doesn’t fuckin lie about lmao...). but i also love this relationship because they balance each other out so much, papyrus tries his best to get sans to get his life together - nagging him constantly, getting him an actual job therefore getting him out of the house, etc - but i think papyrus is also an optimist to sans’ pessimism and nihilism (for lack of a better word - depression i guess) and i think it helps sans quite a lot, or at least is something that makes him genuinely happy when he’s lost all hope. and on the flip side, sans is constantly saying really little things to pick papyrus back up when his mask of self confidence is slipping, and it’s very subtle - the main one i can think of atm is (paraphrasing) ‘me? right about something? come on bro’ or something after papyrus shows self doubt about his puzzles in the genocide route - that’s one of the more obvious ones i think but it’s there p much throughout, and god help my lack of being able to explain things because i can’t put it into words as to why i think this or why i love it so much but i think it really helps papyrus emotionally. THEN you’ve got the bad points, like the lies they constantly tell to each other and how they never fuckign open up to each other (they just project their emotional problems onto you lmao) and ohhh man the relationship between those two.... i could go on forever but i’ll shut up now 

i’ve been rambling for half an hour so i’ll keep the thing about undyne shorter hopefully (nearly half 4 in the morning...fuck... .and i have shit to do tomorrow like this essay.....god) but oh man oh MAN i really love her as well?? so passionate and so PROUD of it, she’s so completely unafraid of being herself (so unlike two of the people she’s closest to - papyrus and alphys), she’s such a fun character and i relate to how passionate she is and can i also just say i LOVE hers and papyrus’s friendship nearly on par with papyrus and sans’s sibling relationship, funnily enough she also treats him like a kid like sans does but she’s very kind and it’s obvious that she cares deeply for papyrus, and their phone calls made me laugh so much (the fucking hot pants one actually made me cry with laughter, it was brilliant), she’s so much fun i love her so much 

im leaving it there but this fucking video game it’s actually changed me for the better it’s quite literally my favourite thing on the planet atm, it’s gorgeous and i love it with every inch of my heart bless this fucking game i cant even put into words how much i love it it’s just!!! my god!!!!! 

i genuinely havent felt like this about something since i got into mcr over 6 years ago, if that doesnt say how much i love it then nothing will tbh

[sketchesandnonesense]

rambly post that might be slightly les coherent than other ones bc i’m v v sleepy n out of it n Not Feeling Well

all those who don’t wanna read bout me bein an Anxious Fucker look away now

w e l p 

I feel like I’ve covered this already but i still feel like i shit friend

I’ve been neglecting so many of my buds like hella

I haven’t actively initiated a fuckin convo since 1912 

and even then they don’t last v long bc I’m shit

n idk what’s wrong w/ me as of late

my depression feels more Crushing than fucking ever

my Anxiety is sky fucking high because work is a goddamned mess I have 0 life and I’m v much feeling like i’m purposelessly floatin through life

Tonight was manageable

though that’s all i really asked for

I did a spell, a simple one, for the last hour of my shift to be empty so we could clean n everything. that no matter what today threw at me, I’d manage. 

and I did

i promised my Will would outlast my lipstick

and it did

till i got home, wiped off my lipstick, and took a nap

then i woke up disoriented and not feelin that great n all my anxiety hit me like a goddamned truck it was gr8 rlly

Work is so fucking draining i hate it 

I don’t know which i hate more

morning shift or late shift

both are fucking awful because my job is fucking awful and i wish i wasn’t fucking scared of driving long distances in my shitty little focus otherwise I’d be trying to find literally anywhere fucking else to work

I’d love to do comissions n art shit for money but lmao my art ain’t that fucking good

n everybody knows there’s atleast 40 other artists with better art and more dire circumstances that could use the fucking income more than my stupid ass so whatever

n lmao getting a legit job doing art would be A. a bitch and a half bc See Above and I’d get so anxious i’d chicken out applying

so

shitty subway job it is 

for shitty ol me

bluh

i feel 17 kinda gross n tired n long for the sweet embrace of death

though i don’t REALLY wanna die

I just REALLY want to get replaced

like

someone takes up my place so nobody realizes i’m gone so i can die Guilt Free 

someone better than me

someone better at art and music and talking and being a decent person

someone not me

I hate this i hate feeling like this i hate feeling weighed down n like my spine’s gonna snap n like my head is full of static and wool

i wish there was something i could take that could make it go away but haha like that’s ever gonna happen

i can barely remember to take the ONe med i have to worry bout on time

I’d never be able to get into a routine 

Ive always been rlly bad bout routines

i never rlly have one

I used to always take a shower at 9:00 n head to bed at 11:00ish 

though anymore It’s an accomplishment i take a shower at all n don’t put it off till tomorrow or worse still not take one then and wait till i feel Absolutely Disgusting n my hair looks gross enough i know people will notice at work

I’m just

so fucking gross everything about me is and of course none of y’all can see that bc y’all only get my Highlights Reel selfies most of the time w/ filters n angles

good thing i don’t have a LDR otherwise they’d be DEEPLY underwhelmed once they met me irl lmao 

speaking of relationships

guess who’s been getting Them Mushy Stupid Feelings again???

and guess who’s depression has been kicking her in the teeth for it??

this bitch

bc lemme explain here

I still rlly like the idea of a relationship or atleast having someone i can call my own n make stupid jokes w/ bout it n all that Jazz

but

the person i got these mushy feelings for

I’m still not Totally Sure how they feel bout me bc well

we did talk bout it alot but

i’m still just like

Doubt

like

was it all just bull so I wouldn’t feel bad??

was I creepy as fuck??????

were the feelings returned then but gone now????

were there ever really Feelings or was it just v v little crush-y thing while I’m over here in a big heap of Garbage feeling like my heart’s going to fucking fall apart 

does he still feel that way bout me??

would he tell me the truth if i asked?

ugh jsut

i hate it

and that ain’t the end of it oh no

it gets worse

bc I worry bout him

alot

bc shit’s goin down in his life n I hate to pry but im a nosy bitch n idk how to help like??? is he the typa person to talk bout this sorta thing or should i go straight for Distract w/ Memes ???????????

I also worry I’ve been creepy and/or annoying and/or shitty n made him Not Like Me

and I’m trying so hard to be like “I don’t need validation from anyone if they like me they do if they don’t then they don;t”

but at the same time

I’m always a slut for Positive Attention

so you see my dillema

bluh

I wish i could be nicer to myself i know everyone wants me to be nicer to myself but it’s so fucking hard 

especially recently bc it feels like the voice in my head ordered a fucking megaphone off amazon w/ 2 day shipping and now the fucker is 3x as loud

so instead of creeping little thoughts that bug me n make me sad I have a loud ass voice over everything else in my head telling me i’m awful

i should be a better friend

I don’t deserve all the good things i have

I should stop being a fucking crybaby

 I’m so disgusting how could anyone ever like me

I shouldn’t bother trying to get into a relationship, I’ll only let the other person down 

people you’ve turned down or people who turned you down dodged a real bullet not having to deal with you 

you clingy, manipulative, whiny, pessimistic, pile of garbage

why does anyone even stay around you it’s so rare you’re even worth noticing

your art’s so mediocre why do you even keep trying you know it won’t get any better

stop bothering trying to accept yourself you know you hate how you look and you find yourself disgusting don’t try to fool yourself or anyone else

you’re such an absolute disgrace of a human being you shouldn’t even exist

and it feels like it jsut keeps getting louder with these thoughts pounding on my head like i thought it was bad before but now I hear it full blast

like I was wearing a diving helmet that leaked 

now i’ve taken it off and I’m suffocating

you’re not a real witch

you’re stupid for believing you can do anything with afew little words and “feeling” anything

those little poppets you made won’t help your depression n the rocks you bought won’t make the voice stop

why even bother if you’re not going to actually try 

you didn’t even research that much did you

you just want to say you’re a witch and act like you have some sort of power when really you’re just as sad and pathetic as you were before you started thinking your childhood halloween costume was something more

you can’t commit to anything

it’s pathetic

any time your little “spells” work it’s coincidence and you know it. you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t have any power in anything. just give up already

I wish i knew what to do to get the voice to stop or atleast to put the diving helmet back on but i don’t know how to fix it I don’t know how to get it to stop for good

I don’t know why this is happening there’s no reason for it

maybe it’s because I fell in love and it made me weak n more susceptible to Everythign Else

who the fuck knows bc i don’t

I’m so exhausted

writing all this out has helped alot, n so has this soda i grabbed from downstairs

so 

the thoughts are finally out of my head and somewhere else

good

then i can read them over and over again 

and try and fight back but

it’s hard

it’s so hard to fight myself

it’s hard to fight thoughts that force their way into my head like facts

blah

the thoughts have died down

they’re quieter again

i can still see them through the glass of my diving helmet and they tap on the glass but

they’re more manageable now

though

some are still clinging to the back of my mind

mostly the ones on love since that’s what I’ve been so stupidly hung up on lately

i guess it’s just because I’ve been wanting affection for so long just

wanting someone that I fell in love w/ like that that would love me back

that i got hung up on the first person who i thought maybe shared the same feelings but now i’m not entirely sure even though I know what they said my brain is still jumbling things up and making it hard to sort through

tho if you’re reading this ya nosy lil fucker n you know who you are

shoot me a skype message so i know i haven’t managed to be So Incredibly Draining you never wanna talk again

or don’t rlly

it doesn’t matter in the end i guess

it’s obvi a possibility i’m just a super draining person n it’s nobody’s fault

I still wonder though if you get as nervous as i do sometimes

maybe I’m just being dumb

maybe I’m just so disgustingly infatuated with the idea of love and relationships I’m projecting 

maybe I’m just hoping so badly that some cute, stupid thing i read in a story could happen to me 

because i think about that alot

wishing and wishing that some day I’d be part of a bigger story

that something would Happen and my life would have some sort of narrative or meaning to it that would feel satisfying

like there was fate i was meeting with

but

I guess me n fate just can’t seem to make plans quite right

I should probably just finish my soda and head off to bed

or atleast try

maybe stay up on my phone n watch weird DIY videos on youtube bc that tends to happen alot

i know I’ll never actually get to doing any of them n have no intention of it but

still fun to watch other people have fun making things

or destroying them in some cases

if you poor soul make it to the bottom of this post congrats

here’s a link to the song I’ve been listening to for the majority of writing this that’s kinda helped w/ my anxiety alittle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5IEt63qOSI

been listening to alotta big bad voodoo daddy lately

got good music