#also like side note. i watched this movie like 5 years ago for the first time and liked it but didnt love it

[phantasymistart]

p&p 2005 screencap study

[theoutsiderscomfort]

It was Two-Bit’s birthday 3 days ago and I missed it because I had Covid and wasn’t on social media much so to make up for the fact that I missed it

Two-Bit Headcanon Time!

The poll I posted a few weeks ago, Dally came first but slowly pushes Dally to the side for now. He will get his chance

These headcanons are mainly based on the book and movie adaptation.

He doesn’t own any other shirts except for his Mickey Mouse ones.

He has at least one in each color

They are probably stolen but what hasn’t he stolen before

Talking about his stealing, He probably has stolen stuff for his sister like toys or candy

I don’t remember her having a canon age but in my mind she is youngish. Between 5-10

He has definitely gotten makeovers from his sister and had tea parties

He forgets one time to wipe the make up off before going to hang with the gang

They all look at him confused before someone asks “trying out a new look, Two-Bit?”

He simply replies “Yeah. Do I look like a pretty princess?” And bats his eyes before he just starts laughing his butt off

He doesn’t take it off after it was pointed out and wears it for the rest of the day just because he thinks it’s funny

He probably has ADD/ADHD

Mickey Mouse is a hyper fixation that he has had for years

He may be 18 but he will sit there and watch Mickey Mouse for days. Give him some beer and cake? Even better. He will last a week in front of that tv

He doesn’t really care that it’s seen as childish

If this guy ever got the chance to go to Disneyland, he would be the happiest guy on the earth. He would be in heaven the whole time he is there

He would stare at Mickey as soon as he sees him. He would run to meet him despite being an adult. He doesn’t care if people think he is weird. It’s Mickey fricking Mouse.

Time for some angsty headcanons.

He wasn’t able to make jokes for weeks after they lost Dally and Johnny.

He tried but they weren’t really helping and it was hard staying positive

After finding out that Johnny died and seeing Dally die, he went home and cried.

He would’ve tried to not cry in front of the gang because he was meant to be the funny one

He also checked on his sister to be sure she was okay as soon as he got home

Okay no more angst because I’m making myself sad thinking about it

I need to end this on a positive note so uh

Has face planted into a cake while drunk before

I just thought of that one on the spot lmao

[bumbledi]

♡ The road to parenthood ♡

Pairing: time skip! Ushijima Wakatoshi x fem!reader

Genre: fluff

Summary: Your relationship with Wakatoshi through the years and the beginning of a new chapter in it.

Warning: pregnancy (?)

Note: hey! This is my first time writing a haikyuu fic. Also, English is not my first language so hopefully this turned out good. I hope you like it and I would like to read your thoughts :) also, there might be a pt. 2? Idk

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Read the sequel “The road of parenthood”:

Part 1

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

Ever since you met Ushijima Wakatoshi in high school you knew he was going to be someone special in your life.

You actually met him by a friend in common, Tendo.

When he found out that you played for the “Shiratorizawa Female volleyball club” after being partners on a protect, he stuck by your side ever since. And it didn’t take him long to introduce you to his incredibly handsome and straightforward friend.

Of course you thought that he was stoic at first, everybody does... But Tendo knew exactly what he was doing.

Your friendly and outgoing personality made it easier for you two to be friends and eventually a couple.

Wakatoshi actually has a very tender personality, of course it took time for you to bond and trust each other but you eventually did and stared dating almos at the end of your second year of high school.

You knew he was a complete volleyball head so yo tried to take him out of his comfort zone the more you could. Going out in dates, taking the train to the city and go to watch a movie, sneaking to his dorm to make out and something a little bit more lewd in your last year of high school, you know, horny teenagers...

♡ ♡

Even tough the first year after you graduated wasn’t easy, you manage to stay together and continue developing your relationship. You moved together, adopted a cat together, traveled together, got engaged and married.

But now, you two are getting ready for a different level challenge, you are expecting your first child together. After talking about it a lot, discussing if you could provide a child without a problem, which you could easily, you both tested your fertility and once you got a green flag, you started trying for a baby.

Ushijima definitely aimed correctly because one month later you got a positive result!

You remember perfectly... it was a Tuesday, your period was 5 days late and you just couldn’t deal with the anticipation, so you took a pregnancy test and as expected, POSITIVE. You cried your eyes out right there, sitting on the edge of the ofuro, so excited to tell Wakatoshi. You also took another test, just to make sure it wasn’t a false positive, spoiler... it wasn’t.

After taking some pictures of the tests, you got your car keys and drove to the closest mall in your area, you got to a baby shop and picked up a little beige onesie with elephants on it, along with a tiny hat.

While you were at the mall, you also got a little gift box and some groceries for you both... You drove back home and prepared the little surprise, the onesie and hat, along with the tests you took and a little Vabo-chan plushie, Wakatoshi gave you a while ago. You left the box on the kitchen counter and continued your day, waiting for your husband’s arrival.

Once he got home from practice that day, you played as cool as posible so he couldn’t figure it out.

“Remember that cool store we saw on downtown the other day?” you asked you husband once he was done changing into more comfortable clothes.

“The one with the cool decor? Yeah...”

“I went there and got something cool after I was done with the groceries! It’s in the white box, over there”

He spotted the box and grabbed it in his hands. You stopped what you were doing and looked at him without even blinking.

He opened the box and after he took a little moment to process, he took the onesie in his hand and looked at you with expecting eyes.

“Are you for real?” You nodded with a smile on your face “Oh my god, (Y/N)...” he walked towards you and embarrassed you in his arms “thank you...”

“We’re going to have a baby” You sobbed in his arm “everyone is gonna lose it” you both laughed...

♡ ♡

You decided to wait past the first trimester for you to tell your friends and family, only to make sure baby was fine and healthy.

You told your mom and sister first, they were over the moon with the news. Then you told Wakatoshi’s parents, even tho his mom is super serious she was extremely happy and greatul for a grand child and you told his dad via face time, he was almost crying with the news.

You told your friends after that, starting with Satori, who was in town visiting from Paris, perfect timing huh?

He screamed and hugged you both, in complete joy for having a niece. And yes, he was sure you’ll be having a little girl.

If you see the big picture, all this was thanks to the old guess monster, he literally matched you up.

You also told your best friend, Akemi, which literally cried of joy. Finally you told the rest of your closest friends. And you shared a little post on a Instagram sharing the news with the world, short to say, everyone went nuts.

Soon enough you house was full with presents from friends, family and a bunch of brands.

You work as a publicly manager for the volleyball association and the company was kind enough to let you work both from home and attending the office.

So you would spend some days at home in company of yours and Wakatoshi’s cat, Mochi.

The first trimester was tough... You were super tired and sleepy which made work difficult and you were picky with the food but at least you weren’t feeling nauseous and throwing up.

But when you were having cravings your husband was ready to satisfied them.

He will arrive home with your favorite foods and dessert and was ready to pamper you all you wanted.

So for the las couple of months you two were super busy debating if you should move to a proper house or if you should stay in your current apartment. You ended up agreeing on staying in the apartments and later in move to a house of your own. So when you decided to stay in your apartment we started preparing baby’s room little by little.

♡ ♡

You were currently starting your 5th month and Wakatoshi has been touchier than ever, not only with the belly but he says he finds you more gorgeous than ever with the pregnancy glow manifesting.

“Mmh...” you growled once again while Wakatoshi tried to hold your belly in the middle of the night “stop it.” You said while taking his hand off of you.

And it didn’t took long until he did it again

“Wakatoshi...” You squirm away from him but he just wouldn’t give up.

And that was for the time when you didn’t want to be all touchy and all... Horny pregnancy season was soon to arrive.

This was only the first phase of the adventure, huh?

[ayelbee]

MORE THAN LOVE | K. MBAPPÉ | 1

next chapter |

Summary: Sometimes even love is not enough for relationships. But it's fine because you are over it. But getting again in a contact with his younger brother wasn't smart.

TW: slightly coursing , just my really bad writing skills in english so probably even english grammar

Notes: Hey, this is the first time I'm publishing something in english so I'm really sorry for any mistakes I made (english is not my first language), and if you wanna correct me, please do so! I will be glad. Also, i would want to make a series from this, so let me know if i should or if it's really that bad!:)Let me know what are you thinking abou this

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You let out an exhausted breath the moment you stepped into your apartment. Leaving your luggage on the floor you dragged your body to the living room. You felt more than happy when you ended up on your couch. You have been up since five in the morning, the lack of sleep was clearly visible on you. You were more than happy to be back.

Spending Christmas back at home was great, but there were reasons why you moved to a different country, thousands of kilometers far away from your home town 5 years ago. Some people would call it youthful imprudence, you called it a step that needed to be taken. Since that you have been living your best life, at least most of the time.

You took your phone to text your mum that you had made it to your apartment safely. But when you unlocked it the date in the middle of your screen made you frown.

29th of December

Being in a rush since morning you didn't even have a moment to think about anything else than catching your flight and getting back to Paris. But now, when you were sitting on your couch you started to realize…

It was Ethan's 16th birthday today, your ex's brother whom had you been really close to since the first time you met him as an 11 year old boy. And today he was turning 16. A wave of nostalgia brushed over you. You saw your little brother in him. Every time you missed y/b/n, Ethan was there for you. You could do all the stuff you used to do with your brother with him.

That was the one thing that Kylian loved. Seeing you with his family always made him more than happy. Seeing how you were part of his family.

But you didn't see Ethan since August, the last time you talked with him in person was the day when you were moving out of Kylian's apartment. Ethan had that day tears in his eyes. Well, he wasn't alone… Knowing that person who had loved as his sister was after four years leaving his and his brother's life. If he was younger he would be really angry at Kylian. But he was old enough, and he understood that sometimes is love not enough.

So now you were wondering if you should call him or not. He had texted you on your birthday ten days ago. But you felt like a text from your side wasn't enough. That he deserved more than that. So after minutes of thinking you pressed the green icon and started to call.

"Y/n?" his voice sounded surprised.

"Hey, Ethan." You let out a small laugh "I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday." For some reason, you started nervously playing with your bracelet.

"Thank you, I appreciate it." he was silent for a moment. "I thought that you won't call." His voice tone now changed from cheerful to something more sad, and your heart ached.

"I couldn't forget about you. You are still like my brother Ethan." you stopped for a moment. "Even after all of that." now you sounded like someone who will start to cry at any minute.

"Y/n" he noticed so he tried to change the subject. "You know that we didn't have a Marvel marathon in a long time." He mentioned something you used to do when Kylian was away and you both missed him. You always choose a few movies from the MCU which you have binge watched in one sitting surrounded by your favorite snacks and food that you would order earlier. And if Kyliand had a game that day, you would also watch it together.

"You would want that?" now, you were the one who was surprised.

"Why are you surprised ?" before you even responded he continued. "I miss it." for a second time in a few minutes you wanted to cry. Getting all the flashbacks from the past when the two of you used to hang out.

"Okay Ethan, I'm sorry but I need to go now. I will text you later and we will find a date okay?" now you just wanted to end up that call as soon as possible because you are a coward.

"Sure Y/n, I look forward to it." his voice now sounding happier than before.

"Bye Ethan, and in a meantime you should decide which movies we are gonna watch." you tried to sound also happy.

"Bye." were the last words he said before you ended up your call.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You couldn't fall asleep that night, even though you were really tired... Your head was full of thoughts, calling Ethan wasn't a good thing to do, you should just send him a message instead. But you didn't so, in the end, it was just your problem that Ethan's older brother was stuck in your head.

You hated yourself for that. You thought that it was over. That you are over it. But Christmas really messed up with your mind and hearing Ethan's voice too.

It was the first Christmas in four years that you didn't spend with Kylian. Well, you didn't even wish him a happy birthday this year, but he did to you. You just didn't open his message. He also sent your family a Christmas card, making your mum happy and your little brother sad that he didn't come with you. Y/b/n was too young to understand. 

It could be around 3 am when you finally fell asleep. But even in your sleep, you didn't find peace.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm home Mon amour." you heard your boyfriend's voice followed by his steps. You were sitting at the dining table with your laptop in front of you as you were booking plane tickets.

"Hey babe." you looked up at him, smiling as you saw his beautiful face. Even after four years of dating, you felt like you just fell in love with him. "How was training?" you asked as he bent down to kiss you on your forehead. You wrapped your hands around his neck, making him bend down even more.

"It was fine." he pulled you up while wrapping his hands around you. And kissing you again.

"What are you doing?" you laughed.

"I just wanna some cuddles." he rested his head on your head, squeezing you more into his hug. You let out a little chuckle.

"Okay but I need to finish booking my tickets first, and then we can cuddle okay?" you put a little kiss on his neck. "And you can change into something more comfortable, while I'm gonna finish this." Kylian pulled away with a little frown on his face.

"What are you booking tickets for?" he asked visibly confused.

"I thought that I would visit my family next week. Summer break started for Y/b/n so I could spend some time with him," you answered.

"But we're playing against Nantes next week." he wasn't smiling now. "And I thought that you are going with me." 

"I really wanted to go with you, but Y/b/n is after next week leaving for training camp. And then I'm flying to NYC with my work so that's the only week when I can see him."

"Since when are you flying to New York?" he looked almost angry like you didn't tell him.

"I told you like a month ago." he nodded with his head like you didn't. "I really did, you just weren't listening." it's not like it would be the first time he didn't listen to you. But you didn't mind, both of your schedules were so full, that sometimes you weren't able to keep everything in your heads. 

"I'm sure you did not, but whatever." he rolled his eyes, while also creating more space between you two. "But we have a game that week, so it's gonna be like what, fifth game in a month that you will miss?" he started to gesture with his hands. You know how much it means to him when you attend to his games, but at the same time, you know that you're doing the best you can.

"Ky, I'm really sorry." you tried to take his hand into yours, but he flinched with his hand away. "It's not like I'm missing your games on purpose. It's just a little bit busier at work and I can't do anything against it." You looked into his eyes. You have known him too well to tell how disappointed he was.

"But you don't need to work. You can stay home with me. You know that money is not our problem." now he put on puppy eyes and bring a conversation to a point that you argued about a few times in the past months.

You loved your job, you were a curator in an art museum. You started to work there as an intern while studying your first year in art major, getting a promotion just in January this year. So of course you didn't wanna give up that now.

"You know that I don't want. What I would do here? Wait for you every day to come back from your training? Following you like a lost puppy for every game? That would not work, we would just lose our minds!" now you were the one who got slightly angry at him. Seeing how his puppy eyes disappeared.

"Bordel de merde Y/n! It's really great to know how much I mean to you! Is it a lot that I'm asking? Having a girlfriend that has a relationship as a priority and not some fucking work? Is it a lot Y/n?! Is it something you can't give me? Even though I would give you the whole world if I could?" he furiously threw up his hands. 

"You know it's not like that Kylian!" you watched him in disbelief.

"Do I?" he turned away and rushed thru the doors. "I'm gonna go to Haikimi." then you just heard the slam of doors. First tear rolling down your cheek.

[polarisbibliotheque]

Survivor's Blood (Leon x Reader) - Chapter 6

Survivor's Blood

Pairing: Leon x Reader

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 (you are here!)

Summary: After Raccoon City, Leon became the only Government agent with that kind of expertise. With relentless training, he was now a Special Agent - again, on his first day in the job. He just didn’t expect to live Raccoon City all over again… Maybe Leon was fated to always have the worst first-days-at-work ever.

Age Restriction: 18+. It’s horror, so expect a lot of graphic violence and blood dripping from this. I mean, VERY GRAPHICAL VIOLENCE. Nothing we haven’t seen on RE, but still. Yee been warned

TRIGGER WARNING: Leon has a slight panic attack on this one, right at the end. Proceed with caution.

Author's Notes: Wow. I just looked at the last post, Chapter 5, I posted LITERALLY one year ago, on June 26. I swear I didn't plan this, life's crazy! Craziness aside, this time we have a slight smaller chapter because I wanted to end it with Leon having a small panic attack from his PTSD the poor guy. I recently watched REC, the Spanish found footage horror movie, and OH GODS, it's AMAZING. LOVED it. Took a little to find the one with original Spanish audio, but totally worth it - if there ever was a Resident Evil movie following the games, it had to be like REC; hence why I came back to writing if after such a long time. Also, I'm now watching the RE4 Remake as a movie - I'm a little sad I don't know any streamers I like in English who have played the game, so I'm watching with no commentary, as I did with RE4 looooong ago 'cause I was too scared of chainsaw man. Maybe I'll get to finish this story soon!

Chapter 6

Hospital Arklay Hill, April 29th, 2001 – 22h13

Leon stared at his watch – glancing at the clock on the wall, you understood why his eyes seemed so restless: on his schedule, you had to be at the school in less than ten minutes.

And that would never happen.

“Is it ok if we run a little late?” You quietly asked him, avoiding the ears of the other survivors. Neither of you wanted them to get desperate.

“Yeah, I planned it with a few minutes for us to breathe in case something went wrong.” Even so, his sigh showed Leon wasn’t too happy with that.

You almost smiled. Such a perfectionist. You could easily see how high his standards were for himself – and how much he wanted to achieve them.

“Well, I’m counting Lickers as something going wrong.” Your answer made him huff a quick smile. “Seriously, those things are awful. What was Umbrella thinking…?”

“They weren’t thinking. Period.” Leon’s words were dry and filled with a bitterness that made you stare back at him. As he checked the shotgun’s ammo for the last time, there was something sharp in his eyes – only Leon knew how everything that happened in Raccoon City affected his life. “Ready to go, partner?”

“Oh, yeah, choco chip.” You had a not so happy smile on your lips as your words dripped sarcasm. Leon couldn’t stop himself from chuckling.

“C���mon, we’re getting out of this. You’ll never have to think about it again.”

You sincerely hoped his words to be true.

*

“When we open this door, no one comes out. I’m gonna check the corridor and when I tell y/n it’s all ok, you can get out. Understood?”

All survivors agreed with their heads – even if you didn’t agree much on Leon going out on his own, seeing you basically saved his life, killing a Licker point blank.

You would do it again if you had to.

Leon silently opened the door, leaving the shotgun hanging on his back. You had no idea why he didn’t have it ready on his hands, but you weren’t a trained agent like him. He didn’t fully close the door so it wouldn’t click and you held it on place – your head almost glued to the wood, trying to hear any kind of noise going on the other side.

“What if he dies out there…?” Valerie’s whisper was almost as silent as a needle dropping on the floor – but those words were as deadly as a nuclear bomb.

Up until that moment, you hadn’t stopped to think about that – and, to be fair, you hadn’t had the chance to think. Everything was chaos and the only thing you were supposed to do was keep going, keep moving to survive that hellish night. But Valerie’s words had reason: what would you all do if Leon, the only one trained and seasoned enough to get through it, died right then and there? What would you do if a Licker shredded him to pieces and decided to wait for you all to come out so you would have the same fate?

If Leon didn’t survive, you probably wouldn’t survive – it was simple as that. But something else hurt in that thought… Yes, you had just met him, but not having him around seemed… Empty. Unfair.

He couldn’t die. Leon wouldn’t die. You would make sure of that – after all, you had fearlessly killed a Licker in the heat of the moment to make sure Leon would keep walking by your side. And you would get out of that damned city together, that was the only certainty you allowed in your heart.

Not wanting to make any noise, you held Valerie’s hand, lightly reassuring the woman everything was going to be alright. She turned her eyes to you, taking a deep breath upon seeing you so calm and sure – still trying to hear whatever was going on outside.

In that situation, though, a few seconds dragged themselves like a whole eternity. You were probably holding your breath, you weren’t really paying attention to that at the moment, when you heard a light scratching on the door.

“Clear.” Leon’s voice was but a murmur, one only you could hear, but it was enough.

You signaled the other survivors to leave the room: the man in the lab coat went first, followed by a father and his teenage son, an elderly woman and finally Valerie. You kept your gun ready in your hands, leaving the room with the door open – if one of those creatures tried to follow from the depths of the corridor, the door could perhaps distract it.

Leon signaled you to take the lead, keeping the shotgun locked and loaded as the scared group followed you towards the door – wincing as soon as they saw the Licker, covering their mouths so they wouldn’t scream in horror. Valerie aided the elderly woman while the lab coat man only rolled his eyes. The father, helped his son walk straight, as the boy was wearing hospital clothes. Leon watched everything carefully at the back of the group – also making sure he was listening carefully.

He had seen survivor’s groups like those – he had talked to Jill and Carlos about their many missions, he had conversations with Chris about his S.T.A.R.S assignments, and he had heard a story or two from Claire. Lab coat man obviously thought everyone was a hinderance, so Leon would keep a sharp eye on him as well: those kinds of people wouldn’t flinch at the chance of sacrificing someone else to save their own skin.

And even if Leon despised those types, he would save that guys’ ass because of his own set of moral values – not because the guy was actually worth something.

As soon as you reached the dead Licker on the floor, you raised your right hand so the group came to a halt – making Leon smirk in the process. You were proving to be quite a surprise and, if he was going to be honest, a very welcome one.

Quietly kicking the Licker aside, you forced the door open one more time – using your stealthier skills as to not make any noise at it. Holding the gun with one hand, you looked back at Leon and, as he nodded, you nodded back, pushing the rest of the door and holding it open with one of your feet, immediately pointing the gun at the corridor you had first seen that horrid creature.

You quickly pointed at one side, then at the other – checking it twice just to make sure. It was empty, quiet, like a forgotten tomb reeking of blood and decay. You furrowed your brows as something immediately came to your mind: what if there were other survivor’s hidden at the hospital who weren’t as lucky as those with you to have an old radio and ask for help? They would be left there to die – and you were right there.

You didn’t have time to search the place with Leon, though. Even if you wanted to, your heart desperately screaming you should delve in deeper and help those who couldn’t help themselves, you couldn’t. You had to save those you were able to save. You had to turn around and never look back.

Shaking your head quickly, you held the door open so the group could continue forward. Leon noticed something was wrong – as you stared at a bloodstain on the floor with an empty yet uncomfortable expression. He had to tap you on the shoulder so you would snap out of it, looking back into his grayish sea eyes, and finding them with a question inside.

You could almost hear him saying ‘are you ok?’ – which seemed to be something you would ask each other infinitely that night.

You nodded back, quietly closing the door and taking the lead once again. You made sure to guide the group through the safest patches of floor – those that weren’t slippery with blood or that weren’t filled with broken things that when stepped on could make a horrible noise. Keeping that pace, you would reach the door in no time.

As the group kept going, Leon’s steps got slower. Something crept from the bowels of the Hospital to cling into his heart; something wasn’t right. He kept walking slowly, trying to figure out that feeling at the base of his stomach – but you were almost there. By crossing the sterile white doors, you would get to the waiting room, then the main hall, and then out.

Leon halted completely when he heard something. Looking back at you and the survivor’s group, it seemed like he was the only one who had heard it. Leon immediately turned his head to the other end of the corridor – covered in complete darkness, looking like an endless descent into hell itself.

The noise came with a gentle gust of cold wind, sounding like a faint breath from something inhuman. As if the Hospital itself was breathing – slowly, ominously… Hungrily. Leon could swear he heard very distant groans and things being knocked out of their place, echoing through the halls and corridors, to almost fail at reaching his ears.

But if there was something he learned at the RPD that fateful night, that would be listening. He survived through carefully hearing and identifying how to choose a slightly safer path that night.

As you reached the white double door, you looked back to check on Leon – only to find him standing at a certain distance from the group, gripping the shotgun with both hands in front of his body, looking back inside the Hospital.

You almost let out an audible sigh. There was no way you could know what he was thinking without speaking to him, but watching Leon looking back made your heart stir with a violent desire of going even deeper into that hell to search for other survivors. There was no way a place as big as that would have only five people alive – and you couldn’t even imagine how harrowing it would be to survive only to be left to die in there, unable to save yourself.

“Leon…?” You risked a murmur, barely noticing how the other survivors watched you both with expectation – and uneasiness. “Leon…!”

As you slightly raised your voice, Leon seemed to snap out of it and look back at you. The worry in his grayish sea eyes was different than the one that resided in yours – making him wonder even more what in the hell was haunting you since you got out from that room. You signaled the double door with your head and he agreed, quickly – but quietly – regrouping.

That alleviated a little bit of the tension on the group – and, as you carefully opened the white door, they had no fear because Leon was on the back giving you cover. Just like before, you stepped in the waiting room first, checking every corner with your gun before holding the door open for the other survivors to come through.

The father told his son not to look at the dead bodies you and Leon had shot before. Valerie did her best to help the elderly woman to cross the path without falling. Lab coat man kept rolling his eyes and fidgeting, almost pushing the father and the son out of his way to reach the exit first – being blocked by you as soon as you reached the milky glass door.

“C’mon. Let’s get out of this fucking place already.”

“You wanna go first and risk being eaten by one of those things? Be my guest.” You waved at the door, staring at him without a single drop of patience left in your body. Leon had already been rude with the man before, so you took the chance to do that too. No one would tell you off if you did so – in a matter of fact, you were probably saying what everyone wanted to say. “Things aren’t much better out there than in here, you know.”

The man looked like he had just eaten a full slice of lemon and was tasting the consequences. If you weren’t in that situation, Leon would’ve probably laughed.

As the milky glass door jammed once more, you looked back at Leon only to see him nodding: you could go to the other room, he would cover you and protect the survivors. Pointing the gun in the air once more, you squeezed through, ready to shoot anything that might have come in during your stay in the Hospital.

And once more, Leon looked back – to the double white doors you had just left behind. Did he hear a… Stomp?

His heart trembled inside his chest. Suddenly, it seemed like the entire Hospital didn’t have enough air for him to breathe. Leon furrowed his brows as his heartbeat got faster. It couldn’t be. That Tyrant, at least that’s what he was told that thing was called, couldn’t be back. He had killed it, blown it into oblivion with a missile launcher – Leon watched as the only thing that was left from that Tyrant were its legs; tearing it in half being the only way to make it stop following Leon around.

For years after he left Raccoon Leon kept dreaming about that. Constant nightmares with that Tyrant following him, sucker punching him every time they met and Leon wasn’t quick enough to run away. It felt like his whole body was broken, but he couldn’t stop running, could he? Even if his bones turned into mush, Leon had to keep running – or he would have never left Raccoon City.

Even now, there were some nights Leon woke up with the sound of those steps viciously approaching him in his nightmares – only to have him open his eyes on his bed, sweating like a pig, barely being able to breathe. He could’ve escaped and killed the creature, but he couldn’t escape meeting it in his dreams when his mind was particularly unstable.

And he could swear he was hearing those stomps, right there in that Hospital, echoing like a ghost coming back from his past to haunt him in the present.

“Leon…?” It was Valerie’s voice that tired to pull him out this time. She carefully tried to touch one of his arms, knowing very well it wasn’t the smartest of choices, given the fact he was holding a gun. But Leon closed his eyes, trying to take deep breaths – Valerie was used to seeing panic attacks and that was the beginning of one. And her rescuer having a panic attack was definitely not a good thing. “Leon. You need to come back.” Her voice was almost inaudible, but she was close enough for him to listen. Placing her whole palm on his arm, she started to gently rub his skin, trying to anchor him back into the present. “Listen to me. It’s ok. We need you here, Leon. Please.”

Those words made him open his eyes again, looking back into Valerie’s eyes. The woman had nothing but reassurance, even in that godforsaken situation – clearly a seasoned nurse who was used to taking care of people… And people like him.

Leon took another deep breath, watching her smile in the process, finally noticing her touch on his arm. With another breath, his heart started beating a little calmer and it seemed like the stomping had stopped. Leon looked back at the white doors again, but nothing could be heard. He closed his eyes once more, taking another breath, and looking back at Valerie right after.

“Thank you. We need to go now.” With those words, he nodded at the jammed door – Leon and Valerie were the only ones left, with you helping the elderly lady squeeze through without getting hurt. Valerie smiled back, immediately going to the door to help you and cross to the other side.

Leon risked one last look to the double door, only to hear nothing. Whatever it was, it would be shut in the bowels of that Hospital forever – and he couldn’t be happier with that.

**

To be continued...

[acidmatze]

I’ll be there for you (Yes, like the Friends theme) Chapter 6

Summary: After being in a coma for two years Vash wakes up, not being able to remember Anything that has happened since he was “a teenager”. How is he gonna adapt to living in a world so strange and unfamilliar? (vaguely TriStamp timeline post ep 12) By watching a weird action movie and doing nordic walking. Warnings: None Word count: 4.1k Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

Meeting the psychologist was relatively unspectacular.

Her office is in the hallway of group 3 as well and has a small space for couches and a bookshelf, kinda like a waiting room at the doctor's office.

Her name is Mrs. Fischer and for now she just wanted to get to know Vash better. Which was interesting since Vash barely knows himself.

„Sounds like a great goal for your rehab then! Getting to know yourself more. Im gonna write this down right now.“

Lunch was a bit awkward at first cuz Chelsea immediately yelled, before Vash could even sit down at the table: „Wait! How is he supposed to cut his meat? Should I cut it for you? I can do that!“

And then Vash had to awkwardly wiggle himself out of this but Nancy thankfully intervened.

„I'm just gonna call Villa Peony and ask if they got some cutlery left we can borrow and then later order our own. Oh man I can't believe I forgot to do that the whole time...“ In the hospital the nurses already cut his food before he got it which truthfully made him feel like he's already thousand years old and grey.

But he felt equally awkward when Nancy eventually returned and handed him a fork that was also a knife.

All while Chelsea was basically frothing at the mouth and vibrating on her chair from wanting to cut his food so badly.

Vash figured he would eventually get used to this and it was a hundred times better than having someone else cut his food. He wasn't a toddler anymore. And not an old man yet either.

Once Chelsea had calmed down lunch resumed like normal.

Steven asking Vash polite questions about himself and sharing a bit of additional information about everything that was going on today.

Melvin then told everything there was to tell about Deinocheirus.

This wasn't really something anyone else on the table was interested in but everyone nodded along anyway.

Physical therapy was quite okay.

Mr. Cruz („Oh no, please just call me Diego!“) had to admit that he didn't really had much experience with amputees but he would try his best to find some exercises that Vash can do.

He did however note that Vash's amputation must've been some time ago.

Since Vash's memories cut off at 15 and at that point he still had both arms it must've been after that but before he was done growing.

For today Diego showed Vash some balance exercises since Vash said he felt unsteady sometimes.

He wasn't really used to almost a whole arm missing and even though he obviously had mastered Walking In A Straight Line by now he couldn't balance on one foot.

Or stand with his eyes closed. Or put more weight onto one foot than the other without almost falling over to the side.

Diego also wanted Vash to build up strength on his left arm again so he tied one end of a rubber band around it and the other end around a balancing pole on the wall and told him to pull it back.

Vash felt a bit stupid doing that.

„I can't use my left arm much anyway. Why do I have to train it?“

„Because it's still your arm even if there's less of it. Also it's not just the arm there's also the entire shoulder and shoulder blade and your back. And it would look weird if one arm is muscular and one arm is skinny. But mostly it's because you will find uses for your left arm and it needs to be up for the task. I can tell that before your coma you were really fit and strong. That includes your left arm. Let's see if we can go back to that level.“

Whatever Vash had looked like before he now was rather skinny without either much fat nor muscle mass to him. Which is something that Diego expected.

How was he supposed to put on weight if he couldn't eat or muscles if he wasn't able to move?

Vash only remembered himself as being on the more skinny side so he had no idea what his adult body Used to look like.

He can't imagine himself looking any different than this.

And now he's back in his room splashing water in his face and hoping that he manages to cool down a bit before nordic walking.

Melvin, who has the room to the left, is listening loudly to music. Techno, or something.

Vash still needs to listen to more music to get a solid grasp on all the different kinds there are.

To the right of him is Steven's room who either isn't around right now or just super quiet.

He seems like someone who is just very quiet though.

He is also the oldest in group, having turned 35 just last week.

Then counter clockwise there is Anna's room who managed to not say a single word so far and then Chelsea's room.

When Vash came back from physical therapy he heard her talking to someone on the phone but now there also was silence.

The music stops. Melvin is walking around in his room.

And then gunshots but in very low audio quality.

Seems like he's playing a game now.

At least Vash Hopes that the noises come from a game.

Vash looks out of his window.

From here he really cannot see any desert, just buildings and trees everywhere.

It's as if he's in an entirely different world now.

The window is slightly open and a warm breeze is coming in but its not hot by any means. Vash cannot smell any sand in the air either.

His dorm is standing right next to the fence so he can see into the backyard of a house that doesn't belong to the organisation grounds.

He can see the building of the fire brigade. Further back there's a rather high apartment building, towering over the sea of small family homes and row houses.

Vash can also see the church way back.

Earlier he also heard its bells.

He has never been to church, as far as he knows and doesn't really believe in anything

and yet the bells had felt strangely familiar.

If he leans a lot to the right he can catch a glimpse of the electricity poles above the train tracks in the distance.

Trains are another thing he has never seen before.

According to Steven they are really new though. They showed up first when he himself was still a kid and then gained growing popularity in the past 5 years as a more reliable and faster alternative to the aging sand steamers.

Each sand steamer needs to be powered by a plant so only a very limited number can be produced and they can't operate as frequent as trains either in order to not to stress the plants too much while trains have none of these limitations.

Yeah they can carry fewer people each but unlike sand steamers they can go nonstop and several trains can be put on the same route so in the long run their capacity is dozens of times larger.

A sand steamer needs up to 4 days to cross the sand ocean while a train does it in one and a half so the remaining sand steamers are slowly being phased out in favour of trains.

Even busses seem like a more viable alternative despite taking just as long.

At least they dont use up all the plants.

„There will always be some sand steamers, I guess,“ Steven had said „Just for nostalgia's sake and also because they have become such an iconic image. But they will probably be used as tourist attractions and run on historic lines instead.“

So what should Vash do with his time now?

He has a tablet and a phone but it seems that many others here have a TV and consoles or a laptop and such things.

Or they collect other things to occupy themselves with when there's nothing to do.

Melvin told Vash after lunch about a few stores that are within walking distance and he mentioned an electronics store so maybe once Vash has gotten a bit of money he should pay it a visit. Someone knocks on Vash's door.

„Yo Vash it's me, Chelsea! We got nordic walking now! Come downstairs!“

Vash jolts.

Wow he really got into deep thought here for a bit. How did an hour pass this fast?

He quickly changes T shirts and then hurries downstairs.

Funnily, the nordic walking group is led by Mrs. Fischer.

Chelsea spots Vash and then drags him further outside into the frontyard.

Several others are already here and looking for the right walking sticks.

„Mrs. Fischer! Mrs. Fischer! How is Vash gonna do this?“ Mrs. Fischer looks up from helping someone else picking out the right equipment and putting it on.

Vash really doesn't like being in the spotlight like this.

Luckily most others don't care about The New Guy.

„Ah well we can just put the sling around your arm and make sure its nice and tight. And we just use the longest stick for your left arm then and a shorter one for your right. And then we'll see if that works out for you and if not then we will find another solution.“ Mrs. Fischer explains while doing exactly that.

„So how does that feel for you?“ „Odd.“ Vash answers „But I have no idea what its supposed to feel like so I guess thats normal.“

„Let's find out then!“

Mrs. Fischer then explains Vash what he has to do while helping him with his right-hand stick.

How walking can be so complicated is beyond him but who knows, maybe this ends up being fun for him? At least its outside and he has been itching to move around more which wasn't a possibility in the hospital.

„Okay now guys! Is everyone here? Where's Joe?“

Mrs. Fischer does a quick roll call.

Turns out, everyone is here except for Joe which no one has seen since lunch.

Mrs. Fischer lets out a sigh.

„We can't wait until His Highness graces us with his presence or we'll be standing here all day. Let's go! We take the route around the biodome today.“

To his great dismay, Vash has to quickly realise that whatever stamina he might have had before, there is not much left of it now.

It takes about two minutes until he's already sweating and it's not the heat of the two suns for once.

Two more minutes and he's lightly panting and to make matters even worse the road goes slightly uphill now.

He's almost at the end of the group, only a handful others are slower than him.

Chelsea joins yet again.

„Huh? You're so skinny I thought you would be way ahead of us.“

„I was in a coma for two years..“ Vash wheezes.

„Ah that explains a lot. I'm just really out of shape cuz I hate sports. 'But Chelsea' they say 'It will be so amazing for your mental health if you're outside more often.' they say. Blaaaaaargh.“

She badly mimicks Mrs. Fischer.

Can't be That out of shape if she can manage to talk so much without even breaking into sweat, Vash thinks.

They are out of the residential area mostly. Only a few houses here and there. The majority is pastures for Thomases and „fields“ where people try to grow grass until the soil is fertile enough to grow other things.

Then they arrive at the biodome which is an absolute massive structure that sticks out like a sore thumb between all the other more organic buildings and fields.

Vash can't see inside from here but he notices that the air around it seems so much cleaner than before. There's also a faint sweet smell, like flowers.

Well, there probably Are flowers inside so that explains it.

They pass the biodome after a minute and the air that was clear and cool now turns warm and a bit stuffy again.

Like a room that needs to be aired out badly.

But by far not as bad as the middle of the desert.

Vash remembers that sometimes when he was outside for too long he would blow his nose and find sand in the tissue.

Sand in his clothes. His hair. His room. His bed.

„I really wanna work at the biodome!“

Vash looks back at Chelsea.

„I always wanted to work at one. Maybe I can do an internship there. I keep forgetting to ask about it though. This one even has animals like cows and sheep!“

The good thing about Chelsea is that Vash doesn't need to verbally answer, just nod, so he can focus on breathing and not keeling over from the exertion.

„I worked at a Thomas ranch once but that wasn't quite the same and it was outside of the city and taking the bus there took so long I had to get up at 5am and was home around 6. Ugh... The Thomases were really cute though but one bit me once.“

Yeah, they tend to do that sometimes.

At least now its going downhill for a bit.

Mrs. Fischer has noticed that Vash is having trouble keeping up with the majority of the flock so she falls back a bit to meet up with him.

„Is everything alright with you?“

„Yeah..“ Vash says, clearly still out of breath, „I'm just really out of shape.“

Something is coming up in the back of his mind.

The sensation of sand going up to his ankles and walking for hours until the suns go down. Boots slowly filling up with sand. Casually talking to someone next to him as if this isn't one of the most exhausting things someone can do.

If he was able to do this before the coma he clearly couldn't do it now anymore.

At least for the time being.

„Just focus on breathing. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Keep a steady rhythm when walking. Maybe sing your favourite song in your head. We are taking the shorter route as well today and will be back soon.“

Once they are back Vash definitely needs to take a shower first.

And then find something to eat.

It takes another ten minutes to get back to the dorm and when they do Vash is ready to collapse there and then.

„Did you have fun?“ Mrs. Fischer asks.

„I don't know yet.“ Vash wheezes.

Two hours later and he has showered and eaten something and feels somewhat alive again.

Now Vash is lying on his bed and contemplating on what to do. How to spend the rest of his day.

Some people from his dorm, including Melvin and Anna, have gone to the local burger place in the neighbourhood but Vash doesn't have any money yet so he couldn't go.

The suns are already low above the horizon and douse the room in a warm orange colour.

Now that its getting cooler outside Vash could open his window fully and a nice breeze is coming in.

Some people from another dorm can be heard playing football outside.

Leaves are rustling in the breeze, which is a noise Vash still isn't used to.

Another noise he is even less used to is birdsong.

There's a bird sitting on the windowsill of the neighbour's house and singing it's little heart out.

Another bird from a bit further away answers.

Vash can also hear the faint rumbling of cars and someone is really revving their engine.

Someone is starting to mow their lawn.

There are so many noises going on at once.

And they are completely different from the hospital.

All those noises sounded hectic and unnatural.

And on the ship were barely any noises at all.

The machines were quiet the computers were quiet the Plants were quiet and even the people mostly talked in hushed voices. Luida and Brad were the two only ones who were openly loud and made attempts to make the place feel alive.

This changed when they got the first geodome going and also managed to get more people out of their cryosleep and some of these people were kids who looked like they were as old as Vash.

Or rather, he looked as if he was as old as them.

Things got a lot more lively on the ship then. The kids didn't even care that Vash was growing faster than them. They called him Brother.

They would play hide and seek together and tag and pick flowers and draw things and Luida would read stories for them under the trees even when Vash already could read himself.

Vash blinks.

He wonders what happened then. What happened and why did he leave the ship and how did he get here?

Someone is driving by on a motorcycle and somehow that piques his interest for some reason.

Does he have a connection to bikes?

„Jesus Christ, Spikey! You never got car sick so why does my bike suddenly make you throw up?“

„Maybe if you wouldn't drive like you drank all the whiskey on the planet I wouldn't be sick.“

„Well, do it yourself then. Let's see how that turns out.“

Huh. Where did that come from?

It certainly snapped Vash out of getting homesick, that's for sure.

Playing with the kids in the biodome feels like it was basically yesterday but also eons in the past.

After all, it was indeed almost 150 years ago.

There's so much stuff to catch up on.

For example, who was that guy in this sudden flash of memory? Is he still alive? It seemed like he was close enough to Vash that they could just bicker like that. They probably had spend a significant amount of time together.

What was his name...? Something.. with an animal. There was an animal in his name...

Someone suddenly knocks on the door.

„Hey Vash it's me, Melvin! Wanna watch a movie? You shouldn't be all alone in your room when you're new. Too many thoughts and all.“

Well, he is not wrong.

So Vash gets up again and decides that watching a movie doesn't sound so bad.

The living room is a slightly musty-smelling room with big windows a large table in the back a few cupboards with books and games in them and of course a large L-shaped couch a coffee table and a TV.

Boxes with fries and burgers are scattered across the coffee table. So are a few big cola bottles and red plastic cups.

Everyone from Vash's group is there plus a few from the other two groups.

One of them is lazily sprawled out in front of the TV and eating fries.

He has blue hair and for a second an exclamation mark goes off in Vash's head but vanishes immediately again.

„Just get cozy anywhere. We thought we bring burgers and stuff for everyone and have a nice movie night.“ Melvin explains.

Vash sits down next to Steven and feels a bit.. misplaced.

He never watched a movie. Well, as far as he can remember, which doesn't say much.

When was the last time Vash had a burger?

He and Nai had them for their first birthday and Luida also made them a few times but not very often.

Vash grabs a box and takes the burger out and takes a bite.

Huh that tastes totally different than the ones Luida made.

It tastes.. a lot better.

Not that Luida's were bad but this has much more flavour.

„I got my hands on the new Revengeancers movie. Has anyone seen that already?“ Melvin asks.

Everyone shakes their heads.

Steven groans.

„I was hoping you had a Good movie or something. I heard that one is pretty dumb.“

„Oh I'm so sorry, I will get one about quantum physics just for you.“

A few people giggle and Steven groans again.

„Just... just put it on. I will survive.“

Ten minutes into the movie as Vash unwraps and chomps down on his third burger (double cheese double beef) the blue-haired guy turns around and stares suspiciously at him.

„Hmm..?“

Did he eat too much? Vash is surprised himself. He already ate dinner two hours ago and now he basically inhaled three burgers in barely ten minutes.

But that's not the reason the guy is staring.

„You look familiar. You look like Vash the Stampede.“

Now Everyone has turned around and stares at Vash.

„He sure does!!“ Chelsea yells and takes out her phone and then basically smooshes Vash's face with it.

„Look! Look!“

There's a wanted poster on the display. It already looks a bit yellowed and faded but it unmistakenly says „Vash the Stampede Dead or Alive 60,000,000,000$$“ Vash counts the zeroes.

„60 Billion???“ he exclains in shock.

„Yup. Levelled the entire city of July. It's a miracle anyone survived.“ Chelsea confirms.

„My uncle lives in one of the towns surrounding July and he said that night it looked like a spiral of bright light was going up to the sky and then a ball of the same light fell down and it was like ten thousand suns. And once the light was gone the city was gone with it.“

Vash can just blink in horror.

That was supposed to be him? Why would he destroy an entire city? He's not a villain!

The blue haired guy chimes in again.

„But it makes no sense. Why would he have done that?“ Yeah, exactly!

The guy digs in his pockets and also digs out a phone and shows everyone a photo. It looks even older than the one Chelsea has.

„My grandpa met Vash! About 40 or so years ago. He helped digging a well in his village so they wouldn't have to rely on other towns for water.“

On the photo was unmistakenly Vash standing next to a tall lanky guy with a ponytail in front of a well. Vash was flashing a peace sign and grinning.

„Huh? 40 years ago? Wouldn't Vash be like... 60 or whatever now?“ Melvin asks.

Everyone looks back at Vash who's just sitting there.

„You don't like 60. You look like... 22 or something.“

Vash rubs the back of his head nervously. Oh man, this is awkward.

„Well... ahah... ha... I suppose that could be me though. I don't think Vash is a super common name. But it can't remember anything past being 15.“ Chelsea scoots closer, so close that she's almost sitting on his lap now and stares at him.

„There is No Way that you are 60.“

Vash lifts his hand so she can't get even closer.

„I.. I have no explanation for this that doesn't sound insane. But I am a Plant.“

It's not like he could've hidden that forever. Better to say it right away. Then either everyone knows or nobody will believe him, think he's completely out there and beyond help and he has made his life here utter hell.

Silence.

„Yeah sure. And I got a secret identity as a pop star. The name Chelsea is fake and I'm actually Tara Olson from November City and the leader of the girl group Twinkle Star.“

Steven who had been silent the entire time now gently pushes Chelsea away and also gets closer to Vash.

„It's not like we can't see for ourselves if he's lying or not. My father is a Plant Specialist and says there's a foolproof way to find out.“

And sure enough, he's shining his way too bright phone LED directly into Vash's eyes.

Everyone gasps.

Vash can only assume what they are seeing. He actually has never seen the markings in his eyes himself. For all he knows they could be spelling „Fuck you“.

„Holy shit what?? He's really a Plant!“ Melvin screams.

„Whooooooaaaaaaaaah....“

Chelsea wants to creep closer again but Steven holds her back.

„He's not some zoo animal you can just gawk at. Have some manners.“

Steven puts his phone back.

„So. This proves that he's saying the truth. Can we now focus on the movie?“

„Huuuuuuuh? But I have so many questions!“

„And I want to watch that movie now, so quiet please.“

Vash will be eternally grateful to Steven for keeping everyone from bombarding him with questions he probably wouldn't have an answer to.

[paxesoterica]

Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury reminded me that I actually do enjoy watching anime, and since I have a bit of a backlog of ones I’ve either watched a few episodes or haven’t started at all, I was inspired by this post to make a scorecard of anime that I intend to watch over the course of this year.

My self-imposed rules are I will not start any other anime before I have finished these 16 (with the exception of Witch from Mercury, see below), I will be watching them with Japanese voice acting and subs, and that, gvien my experience with watching Witch from Mercury on a weekly basis, I won’t try to binge and instead watch an episode or two each day, since that will fit better into how busy life can get, and also give me more time to really think about what I just watched before moving on.

The shows above are listed in chronological order of release (1979-2023), but not the order I’ll necessarily watch them in (I like having the freedom to pick and choose), with additional notes below:

1.) Mobile Suit Gundam (1979; dir. Yoshiyuki Tomino): A more experienced Gundam fan who is also fond of Revolutionary Girl Utena recommended this and War in the Pocket (see below) if I was curious about other Gundam shows. Since I’ve been meaning to watch some older anime for awhile anyway, this seemed like a good series to start with, especially with its historical importance to the medium. I have previewed the first episode and I think it holds up well so far. I will only be watching the 43 episodes of the original anime at this time, so not the movie compilations or the sequel series like Zeta or ZZ (yet).

2.) Mobile Suit Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket (1989; dir. Fumihiko Takayama): I mentioned that I would permit myself freedom to choose the watch order, but since War in the Pocket is a side-story set around the same period as Mobile Suit Gundam, I feel it would be better to watch the former after the latter, so that I’ll have a better understanding of the setting.

3.) Goldfish Warning! (1991; dir. Junichi Sato): Goldfish Warning! has an interesting history, in that it’s something of a predecessor to Sailor Moon: the latter would reprise the former’s timeslot, much of its staff (including the director and his assistants, among which was a young Kunihiko Ikuhara), and a similar style of slapstick comdey. As a bonus, I’m 99% certain that one of the leads, Chitose Fujinomiya, would serve as inspiration for the Revolutionary Girl Utena character, Nanami Kiryuu. I will be watching both the 45 episode anime series and its accompanying film.

4.) Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995; dir. Hideaki Anno): The thing that piqued my interest in this show was a short review that I read years ago (don’t remember when or where), and that may have been translated from Japanese iirc. The review talked about how gender roles in Eva were inverted compared to mecha shows that came before it, such as how Shinji acted more like stereotypical female characters from such shows, while Asuka acted like what you’d expect from stereotypical male characters. I don’t know how true that observation is, but it stuck with me, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for that. I will be watching the original 26 episodes as well as the End of Evangelion film. I’m debating if I also want to include the Rebuild of Evangelion films, but I’m currently leaning towards watching those sometime later.

5.) FLCL (2000; dir. Kazuya Tsurumaki): I watched the first four episodes at a con, but never finished, so I’ll be doing a rewatch from the first episode. I’ll be watching the original OVA series, but leave the sequel seasons for another time.

*6.) Princess Tutu (2002; dir. Junichi Sato & Shogo Koumoto): I needed to watch this anime after watching an amv of it titled Dance of Death (it’s got spoilers, including for what I’m assuming are the last episodes, but if you don’t mind that or have already seen it, I highly recommend giving it a gander). I watched ‘til around episode 16~ until real life interrupted, so I’m starting over and watching it from the beginning. This is the first of the three shows I’m currently watching, and up next is Ep. 02.

7.) Michiko & Hatchin (2008; dir. Sayo Yamamoto): Multiple reviewers I trust said it was good, the setting and premise sound pretty different from anime norms, and I’m intrigued by the bit of trivia that apparently the director made it explicitly for office ladies to enjoy after coming home from their shift.

8.) Star Driver (2010; dir. Takuya Igarashi): Pretty sure I learned about Star Driver from this chart tracing the work of some of the members of Be-Papas (not *everything* anime-related comes back to Revolutionary Girl Utena, but a lot of it does, yeah  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ). I’ll be watching the series, but I’m not sure about the movie since apparently it’s a compilation film, so I’ll have to think about it.

9..) Penguindrum (2011; dir. Kunihiko Ikuhara & Shouko Nakamura): I’ve heard mixed opinions on this one, but it’s an Ikuhara-directed anime so I want to watch regardless, and form my own opinions about it. I’ll watch the 24 episodes, but I’m not sure about the Re:cycle films that came out recently.

10.) Mob Psycho 100 (2016; dir. Yuzuru Tachikawa, Takahiro Hasui): Someone made a vhs recording of the show’s first OP that ran on loop, and that was apparently enough to lodge itself in my brain. I watched the first season and a couple episodes of the second, until real life interrupted, so I’ll start fresh and watch all three seasons, plus the two OVAs that were apparently made.

11.) Sarazanmai (2019; dir. Nobuyuki Takeuchi & Kunihiko Ikuhara): Another Ikuhara-directed anime. I was halfway through before real life interruptions, but watching 11 episodes should be relatively easy.

12.) Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle (2020; dir. Mitsue Yamazaki): In retrospect, I slept on this show, as I hadn’t realized it was another comedy by the director of Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun, not to mention that the premise is a nice subversion of a classic fantasy trope.

13.) Shadows House (2021; dir. Kazuki Ouhashi): I dug the gothic fantasy vibe I got from the review I read. I will be watching both seasons.

*14.) Bocchi the Rock! (2022; dir. Keiichirou Saitou): Repeatedly saw the protagonist compared to Suletta Mercury due to social anxiety, and am staying for the show’s willingness to experiment with animation. This is the second of the three shows I’m currently watching, and up next is Ep. 05.

*15.) Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury (2022; dir. Hiroshi Kobayashi & Ryou Andou): The whole reason I started watching this show was this post. And now I have brainrot am perfectly normal about this show. Starting with Ep. 02, I watched this show every Sunday it was out, and intend to resume doing so in April. It is possible that I might not be able to finish this show in 2023, since previous Gundam shows have run about ~50-ish episodes, and this show’s predecessor, Iron-Blooded Orphans, was initially slated to run only 25 episodes, only to reveal that the show length had been doubled in what would have been the last episode. So, I’ll finish Witch from Mercury in either 2023 or 2024.

*16.) The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady (2023; dir. Shingo Tamaki): Another lead compared to Suletta, this time due to rescuing a bride from her jerk fiance and being really gay. This is the third of the three shows I’m currently watching, and up next is Ep. 04.

[pazodetrasalba]

Vae Victis

Dear Caroline:

Just finished reading yesterday this recommendation of yours. It wasn't bad, but if I am to be sincere, it is up to now the least interesting of your 5 star choices. I imagine this comes as a result of my absence from the world it depicts: what might have been personally relevant for an (ex)finance bro like you is mostly irrelevant for me.

Yes, the book is a bit slow and rambling, and yes, it does accelerate and get more thriller-like once the bids are out (title gives away the resolution, though, if for some reason you had never heard of the RJR Nabisco leveraged buyout in the first place). The cast is too big - I actually benefited from watching the movie adaptation before finishing the book so that I could at least make a clear mental picture of the, say, 10 or so main characters.

One way of reading this book (and the popular narrative at the time of the events) is as a story of greed, with stereotyped and villainous figures (the film is much less nuanced than the book, and really goes full-hog in this direction: Ross Johnson is a a snake charmer wallowing in luxury who'd sell his mother for the right price, and Henry Kravis is literally Count Dracula - nobody does 'slightly creepy old dude' better than Jonathan Pryce), the worst of which are Wall Street bankers and lawyers who are out to make a catch with complete disregard for the well-being of businesses, shareholders, workers and public. This is how I would have read it many years ago, in my Marxist years. Now that I have become attuned to the fact that capitalism and markets are (mostly) good and the financial sector is necessary for keeping our social machine well oiled and running, I'd be inclined to make other readings as well.

On a side note -actually, it's not that much in the sidelines-, schools do a very poor job at pushing forward what is an extremely anti-intuitive but truthful view, first espoused by Adam Smith in The Wealth of Nations, and expressed in your own review as "You think about market participants each trying to maximize their profits, and everyone acting in their own interest ends up maximizing total welfare, and that makes sense in a zoomed-out way, and as far as I can tell is not a crazy model of the behavior of companies". But this really beggars belief until you actually see it: it feels no less stupid and false to a smart teenager than religious dogma. On the contrary, the same teenager who reads The Communist Manifesto will find a very believable narrative of the moral and economic progress of History through class conflict, and if he further pursues some basic readings (and remains, as we mostly do, economically illiterate), will also find the theory of surplus value scientific-sounding and a good basis for accusing all capitalists of being exploiters and thieves.

It is, indeed, nothing short of miraculous that individual egoisms actually end up creating a quasi-optimal arrangement for the most part, but I feel Barbarians at the Gate is mostly showing you the scenario when this doesn't actually happen. That is to say, for RJR Nabisco under Johnson's leadership, and through the LBO, it does indeed appear that (quoting you again):

- there is a CEO, who is a guy - there is a board, consisting of a bunch of guys who are friends with the CEO - they all have fiduciary duties and if they fail to meet them they will get yelled at by a judge in Delaware - ??? - shareholder value gets maximized

Love the ???. Actually, if one goes back to those dull, first chapters at the beginning of the book, we do get a glimpse of how companies manage to turn individual egoisms into positive enterprises. The book dwells a lot on the first years of Nabisco and Reynolds tobacco, on how founders made all the right choices of wise investment and expansion, use of local knowledge, ethics, hard work and know-how, treating workers and shareholders well, taking advantage of rising opportunities... It really reads like a guide on what to do, as contrasted with the relative vacuity of what Ross Johnson actually ends up doing. Does he actually create any positive value? Perhaps his best contribution is his rejection of stability and routine, a chaotic undermining of conformity which might help against the inevitable stagnation of consolidated companies, but that appears to be all he does. Yes, he charms board members and presidents, parties hard and lavishes wealth on executives and board members (including himself). on the face of it, all this doesn't seem at all better than its opposite.

I am not economically savvy enough, but moving to LBOs, I imagine one could make the case for them in that they judge company value more efficiently than markets (as seemed to be the case with the stagnantly low value of RJR Nabisco shares), and in that the debt and diet they impose on their companies trim out the fat, the redundant, the inefficient and (once the debt is paid), end with a more economically efficient company that can survive and thrive in the market better. Like all tools, though, they can be misused, making some people very rich (CEOs, their cronies and the lenders) and a lot of people quite miserable (workers and shareholders) through financial trickery and assaults orchestrated through 'phoney money'. It is all a matter of trade-offs, I guess. Still, I like some of the anti-LBO voices: even though the book has no heroes (Johnson might be an anti-hero of sorts), Ted Forstmann comes pretty close (and btw, he become a signatory of the Giving Pledge in 2011). It's a pity the way he's massacred in the movie. And crypto doesn't feel that far away from junk bonds...

The book did have some lovely snippets of humor (loved the private jet piloting Mr. G. Shepherd to safety). As for your belief that "it is reassuring that the whole system seems to kinda work anyway", I fear it seems to be the wrong lesson to learn from all of this; in fact, the book seems peppered with quotes that are the absolutely worst possible lessons one could take, most of them from the lips of Ross Johnson, about disregarding protocols, logic, reason and checks and balances. Your final quote about rows of figures with millions of dollars that no one knows the proper meaning of is actually quite an ominous note to end the review with, a precursor to the apparently very lax and chaotic management of vastly superior sums of money in FTX and Alameda.

Quote:

"It all started with a small lemonade stand in Manitoba,” read one Johnson parody. “The next thing I knew I had sold my mother. The rest was easy.”

P.S.: Among the things you mention that motivate you, "making guys think I am attractive" seems particularly ill-phrased. You are incredibly attractive, Caroline (both as a person and as a woman), so there should be little need of persuasion, except we usually find that these truths and feelings are seldom commutative.

[firespirited]

a vague post I made a year ago just got confirmed by hbomberguy's twist.

no-one will ever know but this is a note to myself that it's not the first time, more importantly it's also not the first time I tried to talk myself out of being a cynical hater.

I do NOT do vibes or gut based anything, I just keep a mental note of when people do something from the playbook of various manipulative people i've known and emotionally pull back slightly. (In this case I went down a rabbithole and found a lot of what's presented)

Sometimes, if it's closer to home, i'll write letters to never be sent; decide whether it's something I can move past when i'm done writing, because every circumstance is different. This is superficial internet entertainer stuff, i'm really gesturing to broader patterns about more personal and IRL stuff here.

-------------------------------

You know how I like to add "further reading" on some movie reviews? I like to go to video essay and article sources and do the reading if it's not too dense.

So I spent the first part of the hbomberguy video seething about a 2h video I once watched about end of the world theories in western culture that turned out to be ripped wholesale from early 2000s PBS that was a 30 minute read with many more sources for further research. It had seemed so legit, of course it was good, it was PBS: they cited experts in their fields.

There are other youtubers who make books or chapters from books digestible and I'm going to keep my mouth shut on that because youtube is full of regurgitated stuff (ever tried to get an ending explained and get a TTS wikipedia summary instead?), these are often people with less work options and sometimes the books are quite tough reads that I needed help getting into:

yeah i'm including the dude who did a read through of Dune while skipping all the boring bits and getting out the explanation charts when things got complicated because that's actually a great way to absorb Dune... while also very mildly side-eyeing everyone who read How to Blow up a Pipeline or All about Love by bell hooks and decided to spoon-feed its uncomplicated messages back without much transformative value.

But stuff like Foucault and Federici are so academic, I actively seek out the digested bite sized bits with examples of how it applies, it's practically written in a foreign language with how each term has its own history and meaning and you end up with twenty wikipedia pages open to get through 5 pages.

On a positive note: I would like to shout out delightful Tee Noir who releases pop culture videos that, let's say, spread the seed for other videos that often get more attention.

-------------------------

PS: Dear past!me, maybe you're not inflicted with a "spirit of bitterness" but have a good nose for spotting bullies who pretend to be nice people. Dear future!me, could you remember this for once or must we always do this mental song and dance?

[lilyaquarius]

I really don't like some media made in the mid-2000s to early 2010s. Because that was the height of those bad-faith articles talking about how Disney princesses and fairy tales were corrupting young girls into being powerless, helpless wimps who need men to save them. Looking back on it with hindsight it is just dripping with victim blaming and internalized misogyny. Yes, blame the princesses not the multi-billion dollar industry, the society you live in, or your own internalized prejudices. It's always the woman's fault. (She said, with bitter sarcasm.)

I will grant you that there should always be legitimate criticism for any kind of media we consume, especially one that is aimed at younger audiences. But we have this very bad habit of looking at everything purely on a surface level and we assume we know everything about it while never looking deeper into it and choosing not to think about it.

Disney's adaptation of Sleeping Beauty is a perfect example of why this bad faith criticism against fairy tales is pure BS.

When I re-watched this movie years ago after that first Maleficent movie came out (which no, I did not like) I was struck by a lot of things. Here's a short list:

1.) The main character isn't Aurora, it's the three good fairies. Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. Three middle-aged women are the protagonists of this story. 2.) Aurora is the center of the plot. The fairies want to protect her, and Maleficent wants to murder her. But the reasons why Maleficent wants to kill her have nothing to do with jealousy (Evil Queen) but because she got snubbed an invite. Also because she can. 3.)The fairies, all of them, are what drive the plot forward. They are all proactive. Good fairies come up with the plan to sneak Aurora away. While the good fairies can't directly attack Maleficent, they can use Phillip as their stand-in. Maleficent is also very proactive, capturing Phillip to make sure he can't break her curse. Lady got her bases covered. Except for one glaring flaw: underestimating the good fairies. 4.) Re-watch the final battle. Phillip might be doing the leg work but it's only because he's got the good fairies backing him up. Watch the fairies and what they are doing right before Maleficent's death "Now sword of truth/fly swift and sure/that evil die and good endure!" Spoken by Flora when they cast the spell on the word that KO's Maleficent. 5.) Its passes the Bechdel test. Most modern movies can't even manage that but this movie, made in the late '50s, does. Let that sink in for a bit. 6.) Its main female characters with speaking lines outnumber the male characters. Five to three. That is the good fairies, Maleficent and Aurora. Meanwhile, King Stephen, King Herbert, and Prince Phillip are the only main characters with speaking roles. 7.) The love story between Aurora and Phillip is the B Plot, not the center of the story. It's more like window dressing, allowing Aurora and Phillip to (albeit briefly) get to know one another and fall in love. Which is nice. Aurora didn't want to marry the prince because as far as she knew, he was a total stranger to her. She'd wanted to marry the nice young man she met in the woods. His being the same person is a good thing because Aurora gets to have her happy ending.

I'd also like to add as a side note, that the true's loves kiss isn't quite that bad when you think about it. Because, between being kissed by the guy you like to get you out of the magically induced coma you were forced into vs. remaining in a magically induced coma, I'd take one chaste kiss on the lips. Also, if you want to blame someone for that, blame Merryweather. She's the one who put that clause in there, Phillip was just doing what he was told to do.

People love to ignore this part but Aurora has had this powerful magical sociopath trying to murder her since she was an infant. Through no fault of her own. Who nearly succeeded but only due to Merryweather being put into a magically induced coma rather than the finality of death. I've had people tell me for years that they wished Maleficent had killed Aurora because, in their words, "Aurora is a wimp." Aurora is stupid." "Aurora is boring." "Aurora deserves it because she's so useless!"

But I think it says a lot about how we are expected to react to these young women, all of these damsel's-in-distress, but not feel any empathy for them but rather hate them for "allowing" themselves to be made victims in the first place. That's what I mean when I say these criticism are rooted in misogyny and reek of victim blaming. By this logic, it's Aurora's fault for not being able to fight back and defend herself. As either an infant or a teenager. Instead of, you know, blaming the all-powerful dark fairy for throwing what is basically a tantrum for being snubbed an invite to a baby shower.

Bonus: Aurora's mom isn't dead.

The point I'm trying to make is that not all media geared at AFAB people is necessarily bad. True, every kind of media we consume isn't flawless. We need to be critical of what we are watching, even or especially because we love it so much. Sleeping Beauty isn't perfect. There are issues to be had, legitimate ones. But for an animated movie made in the late fifties by a bunch of men, it does a better job of positive female representation than a lot of our modern media. Not because they were doing it on purpose but because they weren't bogged down with the desperate desire to please everybody.

[liannaflower]

What are your top 5 books?

Ah well....this is a hard question and for a sad reason. I have no idea😂😅

Most of my so called fave books were my favourite years ago, so it's hard to tell if I still like them. For example Percy Jackson books, specifically the first one because ahh ✨Ares✨ of course, but I recently wanted to reread it again and couldn't even get to reaching camp.

Well anyways, what I know for sure is The Wolf Den by Elodie Harper. (By the way these aren't in order.) It was a unique read and I surprisingly liked it. I also read the next part and had high hopes for it but it flopped. 🥺 The covers are so pretty tho. It had a great vibe (this almost sounds like a red flag) and it basically follows the lives of prostitutes in Pompeii few years before the eruption.

Another one for sure is The song of Achilles (Madeline Miller) and while I usually don't like (khm I hate them) retellings this one was cute. It's been on my fave list for like 8 years and even rereading hasn't diminished it.

Then Prince's Gambit by C. S. Pacat from the captive prince trilogy and oh my gods. This has everything. The ancient Greece vibes, the enemies to lovers, the gayness😂😂😂(and the sex , the torture, the betrayals etc) I found this series by total accident and thank gods I did. I adore it.

Here I would normally mention one of the Pjo books (either 1st or 4th) but I can't do so now, and then I would mention one of the Eragon books but I also can't because it's been years without rereading them. (I always used to say Legendary from Stephanie Garner but I just recently reread it and I realised I no longer love it)

Sooo that leaves me questioning things. One that came to my mind is a Hungarian book. Aranyember - Jókai Mór (roughly translated: Golden man/gold man by Mór Jókai) It's a much hated book in Hungary (at least among students, I'm not sure if it's still obligatory or not anymore) because it's long and the writer has a unique style, where he makes every description soooo long but I adore it. It's a love story with a poor man falling in love with a rich girl and marrying her but then she's just saying yes out of obligation and she doesn't love him back etc etc. Then he falls in love with a poor girl and so he has double lives. He is also very very good with money so everything he invests in turns out so much better than expected and he gets very rich too. So basically just full of lies and love and agony and self debate. It's also not modern so it's set back in the old Hungary but that gives the charm. And damn it's just such a great book now I wanna watch the movie again too. 😭

The other I thought of is a short story to the Captive Prince trilogy. The Pet. Why? No idea. But I think it's great how it adds depth to a certain not so liked side character. After reading it I love him so so much. Also read one of the best fanfics for this book. Fuck that was so gooooood too.

Sadly I don't read as much as I should anymore or as I would want to.

If I really have to pick a legit book instead of the last one it would be The betrayals by Bridget Collins. Wonderful cover first of all. Made me buy it😂 I liked it, it was mysterious and a bit messy but not enough gay for me but oh well. Other honorary mention is Call me by your name and Find me by André Aciman. Beautiful stories. Nice writing. No other words.

Thanks for the ask. I really need to start reading better books because in the past year I mostly read thrillers and trash erotica or just yaoi😅 and none of those will ever hold me as close. On that note do you or anyone have any recs?

[bekahbomb]

I took 11 grams of shrooms trip report °~

------------------------------------------------------------------------

the Alabama cow pastures

the day was 3 days ago on 5/20 (Saturday) and it was our day off together. we woke up & the manager at the hotel was calling at like 10:00 in the morning so we couldn't sleep in on our day off. we got in the car and drove to the store for drinks or cigarettes I guess. we passed a truck that was wrecked in a ditch. we kept driving passed soooo many damn yard mushrooms and I was seeing them all over the side of the road.

I got the gut feeling that I should go by the spot that the universe has been giving me signs to go to, just to see if any could be there. the cow pastures in Alabama are so rich and they can produce magic mushrooms that I've been wanting to try all year. noted, I've never gone picking for mushrooms on someone's cow pasture before. Saturday I became one of those people you hear stories about trespassing on cow farmers to get their psychedelic mushrooms. I'll just say that it's totally the fate of the universe because there were an abundance of them there! exactly where my gut feeling told me they were. I'm seriously talking about beautiful, fresh, totally perfect cubensis mushrooms. I also got lucky & got some psycilocibe caerulescens growing beside the cubensis ones. the magic of this day was dreamy and unreal and absolutely out of this world. I'm going to keep going back to describing it as out of this world because that's the only words that comes close.

and the natural outcome of that is we ended up picking them and eating them & tripping all weekend. these are the words I'm going to try to use to describe the experience:

-------Day 1 trip------- (Saturday, 5/20/2023)

the dream and the VHS tape

the day we found them. I started myself off with eating one of the cubes pins, but this pin was super big and probably weighed 2 grams or something. I felt it coming pretty fast in my stomach mainly at first, and then my vision became really distorted and everything was waving. there were tracers everywhere on everything like the tree branches and every single leaf.

everything had movement behind every movement like shadowing almost. mom left to go to work and I went to the trampoline to lay down because my stomach needed me to. I watched all the branches and leaves for awhile with Zach. I couldn't stop looking at him and thinking he's so beautiful. then I noticed in my vision that it was like a 90's VHS tape. kind of like an old camera flickering in my vision. I would laugh and then I wouldn't be able to stop. & then he was talking about Friday (night before all of this) and it played back in my head like a 90's VHS tape. and I remember him standing by the car at the hotel and it was like an old movie. like watching and remembering an old movie. for some odd reason I couldn't get that out of my head.

that's when things started getting super trippy for me because I was imagining me & him at the hotel in a dreamy way that didn't seem real but it was a VHS tape movie. the VHS movie is a reuccuring theme throughout all of this experience for some reason I don't know how to explain. that's the only way I can explain how it felt. it was a dreamy place and the honda was a dreamy car. especially when I imagined or saw him standing in front of it. it was really trippy seeing him in such a dreamy way & the car is the object that solidifies him being real and incredibly dreamy at the same time.

but yea, we were basically just having deep conversations and silly ones & laughing a lot. that was the strongest 2 grams I ever ate. we had to go inside because it started sprinkling rain. I was thinking so many cool things that I can't even remember. oh yea and every time I would yawn, tears would out come behind it and my eyes were watering really bad. I kept having to assure Zach that I'm not crying or sad and I was okay.

day one was really intense and amazing! Day 2 was just insane madness and I'll write about it too. the next time I take that many shrooms I definitely don't need to be around that many people, preferably just with Zach when we can be completely alone.

------------Day 2 trip (05/21/2023)-------

him, the car, and the hotel

day 2 was the wildest ride ever because I started off eating 2 kinda big but small mushrooms, nothing too crazy. Morgan came over and Zach was putting a blue hood latch on the honda. I could feel them kicking in when I was sitting in the back of Morgan's van and before that when he first got there. he set a blanket in the back of it to make it comfortable for me.

then I decided to eat 2 more when I was sitting in his van just to see what would happen. let me just say, not much time had passed; maybe 35 or 45 minutes had passed, since I had already eaten the first 2. so I ate 2 fresh ones , and then 2 more cracker dry ones. no exact measurements on the grams, I'm guessing around 5 or something. after that, I smoked a bong & it launched me straight into a full blown psychede trip. it felt like my inner child came out and I could just let go and giggle at every little silly thing or thought I had. then the same thing repeated, the same thing from before when I was sitting in the back of the van; and I could see Zach standing in front of the car, in front of me in the driveway, then I imagined him standing in front of it at the hotel. & he was telling the story about Friday night (before all of this even happened) and he was talking about the guys at the hotel that disrespected him. & it was a the same dreamy feeling from before and it was really tripping me out. it was the feeling of him, the car, and the hotel, and it was just a dream and a VHS memory, and unbelievable. it felt unreal in those moments. still have no idea what any of it means. anyways, basically my inner child came out for 4 hours and it was a super cool experience.

when Morgan left, I felt his energy leave because we're twins, and he may have been part of the reason for the inner child. I had a nice talk with Zach when they left to go to the store too. the trip came down though.

a few hours later and after eating a few slices of pizza, later that night, me and Zach scaled out 11 grams each and it was so hard to eat all of them but I got them down and held them down the entire time, I didn't vomit. they were actually measured exactly this time. oh & when I was looking at Zach holding 2 shroom caps, they looked wicked, i got that dreamy feeling again seeing that, and it seems to me now, that I have seen shrooms before in a past life or dream life or something. it seemed familiar in an unreal, dream like way. a VHS tape played in my head of Zach and mushrooms like that.

anyways, it's 9:00 at night and I'm getting sleepy so I'm going to write about the most remarkable things quickly. So I got the shrooms down and I held them down the entire time. I started tripping so hard that moving became more difficult and it was hard to even form a thought or form a sentence, let alone have any kind of conversation. I felt like I reverted back to a child like mindset somehow and I couldn't get myself out of it but i was ok with it so I didn't think too much about it. I told myself that it would be okay if I felt like this forever and that being a child felt so good.

at one point, I opened my eyes and every single thing was bright orange. everything, the walls, it all had like a glowing orange filter over it; and it stayed like that for a couple of minutes at least. i was literally looking through my vision as an old orange filter on a VHS tape. then it was like I blinked it back to normal because I paid too much attention to it, because it didn't happen again after that.

that was super wild to me, the whole room glowing, and seeing everything orange, and seeing Zach himself glowing through this orange VHS filter through my eyes. but Zach was telling me that its because of the orange light, but to me I think, that it's only a slight orange hue; everything glowed orange for a few minutes, and I blinked it off my eyes. my eyes and my mind were totally playing tricks on me. I mean, I definitely realized then that everything wasn't truly orange as I was seeing it but I definitely, truly was seeing it that way.

and Zach told me to turn the light off, and that was ok because I had light from my phone. it was dark and my phone's radiant light was glowing and bright and I was seeing color normally again, I think. Definitely still more vibrant color but it wasn't the orange VHS tape anymore.

note that I can't truly find the right words to actually explain the entire experience I was having, because it was out of this world, and there are no words.

I took a heroic dose of mushrooms and no words I ever have can describe my experience. I can only put certain things into words.

mushrooms are totally different from acid in the way you see things and the distortion of your vision is similar sometimes, but mushrooms are way more out of your control.

I'm remembering now that during one point in the night on this heroic dose, I could move but I didn't want to, and I just stayed still for so long. and I thought about stories people have told about the strongest strain of psychedelic mushroom; (psycilocibe azurescens) and how they told stories about feeling paralyzed by this mushroom on their trip.

------(continuing) 05/24/2023

and then I thought about how I was being so still and realizing that it's very possible to get paralyzed on your trip. I had never eaten that many mushrooms before and it was a heroic dose that I probably went overboard doing because I'm like 100 pounds. at moments it really could've seemed like I was paralyzed but I could move. I just told myself that if I feel paralyzed, I can relax & accept it, & accept that it would be over soon and I was going to be okay.

something else remarkable that happened was that i couldnt really say a comprehendable sentence, just random words and giggles for a while. and my voice went super soft and it felt like it would take too much strength to speak up or talk louder. I wanted quiet and peace. also on day 1's trip, I saw the rocks on the ground as an old movie. and my shirt was bright orange and all I could see was myself in the orange shirt in my reflection on the dream car. it was the perfect color shirt for me to be wearing that day. it's funny to think about that and then the orange VHS film on my vision on day 2. seeing myself in the reflections felt truly unreal, as if my sense of self was not with me.

it took me 2 days to write this and it's still not even half of the experience I had that night. the experience I had was unworldly, and dreamy, and truly psychedelic. I spoke like a totally different person and I loved feeling like a child again.

how do I feel now? (5/24/2023)

i feel those amazing after glow effects of the psycilocibyn mushroom. I went back to work after that weekend with more energy, a more positive attitude, and a new outlook on the hotel I work at. I always get such amazing clarity of mind after I trip on shrooms and I'm sober again, I'm in love with that so much💖😭

[enigmatist17]

Finally also started re-watching/catching up with Andor and by the gods I am going to lose my mind :’(

NOTE, I AM ONLY UP TO EPISODE 5 AT THIS POST SO NO SPOILERS

Like, for those who know/don’t know, my journey of watching Star Wars content is a new one. I hadn’t touched anything star wars in over 15 years until I watched Moon Knight. Oscar Issac, that damn fine man, got me to watch the (admittedly shitty) new movies, and from there I was Lost in the Sauce.

I didn’t know/remember anything about the Rogue One mission, so when I watched the movie I literally was full on crying at the end. The only other star wars thing to date that’s made me cry is Clone Wars, just fyi, and even then I literally just get sad thinking/hearing references about Rogue One.

Legit, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, which is a feat in and of itself.

So, that out of the way, when I first started Andor on release of the first 3 episodes, I hadn’t seen Rogue One yet. Now, finally getting around to this since the season ended, it is literally crushing my soul to see his transformation from a person looking out for himself to what he’ll ultimately end up giving his life for without hesitation. I am really enjoying this raw look at the star wars universe without Jedi and the Rebel’s, seeing how just haunting and desperate everything is under the crushing Empire rule, and what people are doing to try and carve out an existence. I need need need more of this sort of thing, I need more than just the same Jedi/Sith thing they keep trying to only push out. Give me more Andor, give me the damn shows they cancelled a long time ago, give me the morally grey and underhanded parts of these wars that both sides fully took part in. Then, on top of this phenomenal acting, the music is so fucking haunting, almost parroting the music from Rogue One that I want to cry :’(

All in all, I’m going to be further crushed by this and I am scared yet can’t wait to see this season + the second one :’)

[benefits1986]

morogonomic

When it rains, it floods.

One of the things I do when I combat the flu (and cortisol) is watching a good movie. Dad has been cooking more with the help of my recipes, and pre-prepared ingredients with exact measures and specific instructions because your noona has been kinda clunky recently. I have been able to slow down a bit and what better way to wind down than to watch a movie together on a stormy MNL night, right?

And so, the new interface of Netflix is fucked. LOL. I rarely watch movies lately because I need to get stuff in places I don't even know when, where, or how. CHZ. Crap on crap on crap is what Netflix is, generally speaking. LOL. Kaya mejj wala na rin ako pake. When I saw Brillante Ma Mendoza's Moro, I knew I was not going to have a "chill" viewing experience. I actually browsed again and again. I wanted something calming or something that won't make me think. However, ang gwapo ni Piolo tapos 'yung ilong niya, parang ginawa na naman. CHOZ. Mala-Pinnochio na e and super pointed. LOL.

Brillante's brilliance is one of the reasons why I love indie films. The shaky shots, the bokeh, the colors, the frame, the details. It's giving ethnographic research on super steroids, babyyyyyy! Kabogstra Viva, Seiko, and Star Cinema. EMS.

The first time I saw Serbis ages ago, sabi ko, JUSQ. Ano ba 'to? Bakit I can feel the UGH seeping into my system. Naggawa niyang mag-appeal sa 5 senses even when it was but another indie film. Looking back, taob Vivamax sa Serbis. Isa pa lang 'yan a. Tabi. Choopi. And may social relevance pa as in god-tier levels.

Siguro, kasi Serbis is housed in cinema rin kaya appealing sa akin. Pero super graphic niya na hanggang ngayon, kunot-noo pa rin ako. Para sa mga nagsasabing porn-ish ang Serbis, bobo niyong lahat. Hahahaha. Eat shit. Serbis is a movie that moves people. Lalabasan ka ng inis, galit, poot, at higit sa lahat pawis. Kasi naman, I kennat why naman ganun here sa earth mga ganaps? And the kambing in one of the scenes, just super graphic. It's horrific and terrific. Ganernnn.

Iniisip ko nga kung papanood ko sa tatay kong pakitong-kitong itong Serbis pero baka mastress lang siya kesa mag-enjoy. HAHAHAHA. Namention kasi ni dad a few weeks back na ang legit daw pala ni Mercedes Carbral. Sabi ko naman: You haven't seen her in her glory, yet! Hahahahahaha.

Si Brillante, unapologetic sa timeline ng pelikula niya. And proud siya diyan. May flow siya kung saan immersion ang laban ng kwento niya. HOOOHOOOHOOO. Kaya nga, indie 'di ba? Budget, medyo malaki. Hahahahahaha. Pero 'yung mga paganaps niya, pakkkk.

Hindi talaga ako nasa-starstruck masyado, let alone naiintimidate, pero mannnnn. The first time I saw him in the flesh, solid. Kasi, he lets his art speak for him. PAK. Nakipagkwentuhan to the max talaga ako kasi sobrang gusto ko makita details niya up close. LOL. As a fangirl po tayo e. Tapos usap-usap kami about his films. HUHUHUHU. Pigil-pigil pa akong tumili kasi in that moment, I am living the dreammmmm, babbyyyy. Simple lang pero solid.

I think first time ni Dad manood ng Brillante Ma Mendoza film. So, boogsh. Hahahahahaha. Puro kasi Seiko saka Vivamax trip neto. LOL.

Side Note: Years back, tinanong ako ng tatay ko bakit naman daw 'yung 50 Shades of Grey ang lala. I'm like wtf do you mean? Syempre, explain-explain siya. Me: Hay. It's is what it is. And the target market are women who are bottled up. Research shows that... ayun. PAKSHET NA MALAGKET. Galetwoman na naman me. Apaka bobo talaga manood. Hahahahahaha. Also, kako, baka na-insecure lang din siya because... Hahaha. Boogsh. Forda record, OA nung 50 Shades. Honestly. Jusq. Pero pang-mainstream kasi siya, so ayun. Next!

Sabi ko na humanda siya. Aba sabi ba naman, bakit wala pang nangyayari sa mga unang scenes. In fairness sa comment niya, totoo 'yan. Ganyan si Brillante. 'Di naman sing-bagal ni Kidlat Tahimik pero mabagal talaga first few minutes ng pelikula niya. He takes time to expose his narrative.

In true fashion, may papoetic vibe kung saan, ang goal ay pag-isipin ka agad-agad. LOL. Sa ending naman, lagi't laging open-ended na syempre, ayaw ng mga typical Pinoys. HAHAHAHAHA.

I won't go into the "spoiler" route pero ukilkilin natin ang paglikha ni Ma Mendoza. Hahahahahaha. Shemayyyy. 'Yung shots niya, parang nasa frame ka as a "wingman" or "wingwoman" kasi iba pag-shot niya. 'Yung para kang Marites. Tapos, 'yung shaky shots epek niya, minsan may sense, minsan wala.

I think pinaka gusto ko is 'yung lights. As in. Solb na solb. 'Di siya fancy, pero kaya niyang magpa-sepia sa foreground tapos muted pero popping background. HAHAHAHA. Eat shit mga ibang manlilikha. Puwedeng edited na 'to lalo these days, pero naisip pa niya talaga 'yun 'di ba?

'Yung depth of field niya mula super shallow to super deep abot kabilang universe. EMS. Ang galing kasi kita mo talaga. Pinagisipan. Ginalingan kahit minsan medyo pilit. HUY. Hahahahahaha. Gets ba? Ayun. Mahirap kasi lalo 'pag camera mo, ems lang. CHOZ. Pero mahirap kasi budget is usually a constrict rather than a construct. HUY. Sino ka na naman diyan?

Then, the frames. 'Di siya Wong Kar-wai na frame within a frame within a frame. Sa tingin ko kasi, walang ganito sa Philippine cinema. Wala pa. Baka paparating pa lang. *wink*wink* Hahahaha. 'Yung framing niya, reflective ng Philippine culture. Either super wide or super tight. EMS. Walang in between. Paano mo nga ba kasi ife-frame ang isang bansang sobrang lala ng curation of the poor, the middle class, and the upper class, 'di ba po? CHOZ.

Anyhow, set design and prod. Isa pa 'to. Ang boogsh. 'Di siya fancy, pero malapit sa realidad. 'Yung parang hiniram ang mga costume ng cast sa kapitbahayan. Ganern. Eat shit ulit. Hahahahahaha. Compared to Oro, Plata, Mata, hahahahahahahahaha. 'Yun na lang talaga. I come in peace. EMS.

Another thing kay Ma Me is 'yung grainy pero sharp vibe. Basta. Gets ba? Or baka ako lang na naman yan. Pati textured skin ni Piolo, hindi naklusot. Pati imperfection nung nunal ni Piolo, putok na putok. Pati pag-tulo ng mga sinampay na damit nung housewife ni Baron, poetic. Hahahaha. Parang may subtext lahat. EMS.

I remember one question thrown by an audience (not me, syempre) about a film, not sure if Brillante 'yun. Tinanong kung intentional ba raw or subtext 'yung pink-ish color grading. Sabi nung direktor, ah. Napansin mo rin? Actually, wala lang. Gusto ko lang ng ganung color para maiba. HAHAHAHA. Tawa naman ang audience. LOL.

Details. Ang pinaka simpleng sapul details is 'yung mga weeds as in damong ligaw na nasa lupa after nung shot ng mga Most Wanted. Sobrang liit na details lang nun, pero juskoooolordeeee. Take my soul. Ganerrnn.

So, what?

I really wanna see more films from the Philippines that are trending with a purpose. 'Di lang 'yung puro landian to the max o kaya naman, puro very good girls and bois. HUY. We deserve a better cinema experience even sa online. Actually, lalo sa online. Dapat naman e magkaroon na ng impit finally ang mga pelikulang may kwento AT may kwenta. As I keep saying, cinema is a reflection of one's identity --on a personal level, and a societal level.

Para naman sana, may bigat at buga na tayo sa pagbaha at pagbayo sa bansa lalo na't sobrang disaster-prone natin. Para naman sa mga new breed na pagmamanahan natin ng legacy na sana naman, may silbi, savay-savay. Para naman sa pag-stop right now ng mga kulay ni ganito at ni ganyan forda greater good. Para naman kako, masawata na talaga ang kanser ng lipunan na nakaatang sa mga mamayan at sa bawat buwis at boto or hindi nila pagboto. Para naman sana, baka bukas, mas piliin natin ang Pilipinas ng hindi sapilitan lang. Para naman, baka naman, baka lang, makausad na ng tuluyan ang Bapor Tabo patungo sa West Philippine Sea. CHOZ. Para naman, kesa mega cities na reclaimed naman (ulol) ang focus, sustainable living and working spaces ang pamana natin sa next generation, 'di po ba?

Umaaray at dumudugo na ang middle class. Pati mga alta-ish, mejj nase-stress na sa lagay ng shit dito. LOL. Kaya naman, ano na? Ano ba? Ano pa? Ano? Suntukan? Ang agaaaa. Abangan! PS1: Fave shot ko sa Moro is 'yung part na may mother and son na parang Jesus and Mary pero Muslim. Basta. No spoiler. Abangan n'yo na lang kung masisipat niyo. Hihihihihihi.

PS2: Walang PS2 for today. Bukas na lang siguro. CHZ.

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anyways 7 years ago today i met my ex best friend (the one i fell out with in 2020) and it’s my blog and i have thoughts

okay so. lizzy lore dump time.

when i was 17, i met this dude at a college event for rising freshmen soon to be attending my university.

at first i thought he was ugly and annoying, but then i got to know him, and he became one of my closest friends. he was charismatic and funny, we had a lot of shared interests, he wowed me with stories of his teenaged debauchery (something I never experienced and desperately wanted), and we had the same major and career goals. there was a time in my life where i saw this man every day. our apartments were 3 minutes walking distance from each other. we would stay up til odd hours watching silly movies and laughing about the complete nonsense we would say to each other. i trusted him completely, and in my mind he was like a brother to me (and for context: my older brother and i are INCREDIBLY close)

and then he sexually assaulted me in March 2020, right at the start of the pandemic.

it wasn’t a typical assault, however, so I didn’t realize what had happened until 6 months after the assault, and a month after he and I were no longer friends. in august of that year we had fallen out for completely unrelated reasons involving a “coke* pact” we had made as freshmen in college. for the uninitiated (because to 21-year-old-me’s surprise this is not a thing most people do), the pact was that i was not to try that drug for the first time without him present, and long story short that didn’t happen. he found out, got really angry, threatened to kill himself over it, and ended our friendship.

(side note: days earlier one of our mutual friends told me he had admitted to being in love with me, something i had always suspected. I think this has something to do with his reaction)

that was about 4 years ago and I still grieve this friendship every day. there’s a part of me that hates this. that tells me “he’s a predator and a bum, your life has only improved without him in it, we’ve been to trauma therapy, get over it and move on.”

but there’s a part of me that believes the friendship I had with that man was my real “first love,” but it was a PLATONIC love when the problem was he wanted a ROMANTIC love. why? because I genuinely believed that he was going to be in my life forever, and what is love if not that? so I guess the grief I feel has stemmed from trying to adjust to living without this “forever person,” and on top of that, having to grapple with the fact that I trusted him completely and he violated me.

as you may have guessed, that’s where a lot of my jaded feelings about men stem from. one of the most heartbreaking feelings to have come from ALL of this is that I loved that man so deeply and in the end he STILL objectified me, even after all the movies we watched, the jokes we made, the memes we shared, the heart to heart conversations we had, even when I had been in a vulnerable state around him dozens of times before, when he saw an opportunity to try and get whatever sexual gratification he wanted to get from me, he still took it. none of that shit mattered to him when I was finally insecure and inebriated enough to take advantage of. and if it didn’t matter to him, the man who I saw every day and loved like my own brother, does it matter to anyone? suffice to say, letting new people in after this has been incredibly difficult.

I suppose I should end this on a positive note, so I will say losing that friendship was hard, but it was also one of the best things to ever happen to me. when I spoke up to our mutual friends (none of which I fuck with anymore) about what he had done to me in January of 2021, I swear 5 good things happened to me on that day alone. The last 4 years have been a hard journey of healing and growth, but through that healing and growth I have been able to create a life for myself that i’m proud of. So, if had to go back and do it all again, I’d still break that fucking coke pact.

anyways, music is how I cope with things, so this is a playlist of all the songs I listened to that helped me get through this. the link is here. except for one song that isn’t on spotify, so i’m gonna include it here for fun:

*i know I have younger followers so if you’re under 18 and reading this 1. it’s overrated and if you have ADHD like I do you won’t feel anything and 2. if you dabble in substances be safe, be smart, know what to do if shit goes wrong, and please wait until you’re 18 at least.

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Movies I watched this week (Year 4, first week!)

How shall I open 2024 [since 'The Zone of Interest' is not streaming yet]?

It has to be something special; A re-watch of René Laloux's psychedelic allegory Fantastic Planet?

Mysterious mythology, straight out of the pages of The Voynich manuscript [and which directly inspired the Codex Seraphinianus, another unfathomable world-building vision]. The suffering humans, used as pets by the giant blue "Draags", spiritually advanced, and still cruel to their tiny Oms ("hommes"). Excellent!'

Edit on 1/21/24: I found the SQEALER clip I used to love so much 20 years ago!

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"This is where we ended up".

Re-watching one of my favorite 2023 stories, the miraculous, fateful Past Lives. A loss of first love, innocence. With a moody, excellent score. Greta Lee is such a babe, and producer Christine Vachon, wow. (Photo Above).

10/10. I can't wait for Celine Song's upcoming second feature, 'The materialists'.

(*Woman Director)

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2 more by Danish director Nicolaj Arcel:

🍿 The promised land, called 'Bastarden' in Danish, an epic historical drama, the latest script from Anders Thomas Jensen. Mads Mikkelsen is phenomenal as he plays a similar personality to the one he did in 'Riders of Justice'; laconic, broken and impatiently resolute - but 300 years earlier. A brutal 'western' fought in Jutland's vast emptiness. I didn't know about the history of the Swedish Romanis. Savage and sentimental! 9/10.

🍿[For the first time in my life, I listened to Margrethe II, the Danish Queen, give her New Year's speech (in which she also abdicated her throne). I loved it; So humane, so down-to-earth.]

What I didn't love is Nicolaj Arcel's earlier A royal affair, a dull and conventional costume drama about an earlier queen. It was beautifully filmed, it had Mads Mikkelsen dancing in it, and a mad king who suffered from excessive onanism. But these are all the positives I could find. 2/10.

Apparently, the predictably-told story is based on interesting chapter from 18 century Danish history.

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"Garbo Talks!" and the first thing she said was "Gimme a whisky, ginger ale on the side, and don't be stingy, baby!". In Anna Christie, her first 'Talkie', she played a "woman with a past". M'eh.

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Hundreds of beavers, a bizarro freezing-cold Wisconsin indie, due to open on January 26. A drunk fur-trapper in the 19 century is tasked with killing scores of beavers so that a tobacco-spitting fur merchant will grant him his daughter's hand in marriage. Weird, wordless, black-and-white, live action Road Runner / Looney Tunes / Max Fleischer cartoons-style mayhem. The credits starts at 33:00. The whole thing is too weird. Reminds me of the book 'Millions of cats' [which incidentally was released to the public domain on the exact same day I thought of it!].

5/10 from me, mostly for innovation.

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"When the child was a child it walked with its arms swinging, wanted the brook to be a river, the river to be a torrent, and this puddle to be the sea. When the child was a child, it didn’t know that it was a child, to it, everything had a soul, and all souls were one."

First watch: Wim Wenders' poetic art house fantasy Wings of desire. I know it's considered an 'Angle-on-earth' spiritual masterpiece, and I imagine that younger-me would have find it uplifting. 1987 Berlin looked grim and lonely indeed. 4/10.

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Re-watch: The tense Emily The Criminal. A despairing Neo-realist indictment that pivots into a white-knuckled crime thriller. Without a single note of preachy commentary, it exposes millennials prospects like a de Sica. I don't recall any recent movie that described Arab-American sub-culture so guilelessly. 8/10.

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The private life of a cat, another short from experimental LA filmmaker Maya Deren. Basically it's a 'Cat Video' from 1946 (which begs the question 'What caused the first person to say, Let's make a movie about the cat because she's so cute?')

(*Woman Director)

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3 silent film classics:

🍿Buster Keaton's amusing Neighbors, a 1920 two-reel'er, a riff on Romeo and Juliet.

🍿 20 minutes of love (1914) is Charlie Chaplin's first landmark film as director. Simple slapstick, in what looks like Fairmont Park in Riverside, CA.

🍿 Should Married Men Go Home, the first pairing of Laurel & Hardy, my least favorite of the famous old silent film comedians.

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Early middling shorts by 2 Canadian directors:

🍿 (From a Letterbox list of 'Early Short Films That Launched Major Directors', which I'm going to tear through one day.)

"Well, you picked a great time to be trans!..."

We Forgot to Break Up has an unusual proposition (A former rock musician reintroducing himself to his ex-bandmates for the first time since abandoning the band and coming out as a trans man), but there's not much more there besides that outline.

(*Woman Director)

🍿 Void, The first film-school-style short by Emma Seligman (who followed it up with the much better 'Shiva baby'). A young woman likes to masturbate, smoke weed and fantasize about a boy. But then who doesn't?

(*Woman Director)

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A YouTuber named “Ryan Randomness” built a rail car and traveled on abandoned train tracks in the deserts of Southern California. Extremely enjoyable! It made me sad that I didn’t hike more during the years that I lived there.

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Throw-back to the "Art project”:  

Millions of Cats Adora.

Exploring Southern California With Adora.

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(My complete movie list is here)