#also like im gonna be so real i actually never knew about cringe culture until i was already an adult i just kinda grew out of that stuff

[cygnusposts]

I've been in such a weird nostalgia mood lately. not even for fansongs specifically and stuff, but I just miss when things were kinda goofy. I used to write shitty self-insert fanfiction and post stupid screenshots of my shimeji collection on Deviantart. I made MMD videos. I recorded a really shitty cover of Bad Apple and then immediately deleted it because I didn't know what breath control was and thought I had asthma for some reason. The confidence with which I posted pure, unfiltered weirdness was unparalleled. I found four chapters of one of my OC stories from 2016 a few weeks back that I thought I had lost forever. I used to keep binders full of coded fanfiction in a language I completely made up. I need to go back

[incorrect-riordanverse]

final part (tg)

did nico just get mad at will for tricking amphithemis ru joking? nico is not this soft can we bring back him being cool please

like will just outsold with that. it was a very peeta mellark if-it-werent-for-the-baby move. and nico got angry??? he really is better than me…

now theyre arguing and crying again. hehehe. more hurt/comfort for me yayyyy

wish this was written in first person. the characters just don’t feel like they have their own voice within the prose. i feel like first person pov mayyy have helped it better

small bob is literally CARRYING them dude. these two would be so dead if not for this cat

“i remember annabeth and percy saying cheesy stuff helps” “lay it on me, i’m your grilled cheese.” <- that’s terrible omg. and not in a funny haha way 😭

sorry i can’t imagine anyone hitting a high note mid fight. apollo child cringe

“i am the ghost king!” <- doing too much

LMAOOOO NOT NICO BEING NYX’S BABY DADDY AYO LAWSUIT

WHAT KIND OF PLOT TWIST IS THISSS 😭

‘you are the father’ type of moment 💀🙏

“no i can’t abandon them” <- nico seriously annoying the shit out of me. soon as disney+ bought pjo every character actually started acting like a disney character. and here yall go telling me ‘this book is for middle schoolers’ a middle schooler can understand running away from literal demons trying to attack you and this is the… like… fourth time nico’s been so soft on the things he has to fight in tartarus. like i get the meaning of redemption and healing but cmonnnn. this shit’s for pussies 😭

cocoa puffs is such a cute name to call ur demon kids stop

if these mfs dont start skedaddling

nico kissing bob had me flinch ngl 😭 were those two always so close?

will had to open his fatass mouth asking some shit like “did we do it?”

these bitches are crying every two pages and im sick of it. like i know its an emotional time but jesus 😭 every single chapter???

i take back what i said in the first reblog. bob is cool asf

the cacodemons warming up to will makes me so… aww. theyre so cute tbh.

are we ever going to actually know what the sun and the star is. like what. such a stupid metaphor if its supposed to represent will and nico LOL

THAT DREAM SEQUENCE?? with bianca and maria and hades?? jailllll (im in tears)

“i need to let you go” <- GOD IM IN TEARS

i feel like this book is so tell-y about the meaning of healing but it is for middle-schoolers so im gonna lay off it and go kick rocks

something about nico being a hugger now makes so much sense actually. bro would hug anyone real and true

why is mr d. so nice? make him mean again cmon

nico & piper bromance was something i never knew i needed until now (still random as hell though— where was reyna or hazel? why is nico opening up to characters he hadn’t known well until this book instead of the ones he alr knows?)

nico and will now married with kids lets go

such a full circle ending i love it (wish the insecurities will had at the start of the book were more developed towards the end)

conclusions: the plot was good, all the concepts were good, but repetitive minor things from the writing really irritated me ranging from the stale dialogue to the cringe humour (pop culture references should be illegal to include in books), especially humour added at the wrong times of the book. like they could have so easily been fixed and the story could be much stronger as were the emotionally compelling scenes (because nico is suchhhh a good character), but its always offset by a badly timed joke that i could never really get into it. making the characters cry is not going to make me cry. find a build up and a release and dont break it up with humour, i swear the middle schoolers reading the book will survive some darker parts. like damn. it also didnt have the magic the other pjo books had imho, maybe because it was cowritten.

either way tsats is mid, and it’s disappointing because it didnt NEED to be mid. im going to gaslight myself into forgetting the bad parts though

finally reading tsats here are my live thoughts (spoilers, obviously):

i’m so excited because some pages are darkly decorated and its so cool. still don’t vibe with the title though (the sun IS a star and its peeving me)

why are we talking about dating darth vader 😟 where are we rn (anakin is a yes, but DARTH VADER???)

maybe i’m too old but the jokes are not funny 😭

“this whole place feels like my soul. empty and dark. dark as the pit of the underworld.” <- i don’t care if he’s joking nico would never say thissss 🙏😭 we’re only 10 pages in but please stop butchering my fav character he’s not himselffff i am cringing so bad

i know i’m being dramatic but if they do nico dirty in this book i’m going to end it all

oh my god i don’t think i’ve thought about the words “significant annoyance” in so long. bringing back good memories for sure.

i can tell which parts were written by riordan and which parts were written by oshiro. i don’t think their voices are blending very well together…

also, maybe it’s because it’s the start of the book and they’re trying to familiarise new readers quickly with the characters but it feels like they’re making nico the caricature of ‘emo and shadow and ebony darkness dementia raven way 🥀⛓️🖤’ and will the caricature of ‘happy and sunshine and blonde and flower gleam and glow ☀️🌈🫧’ and i usually like this dynamic when it’s not blatantly pointed out every other page. i have faith they’ll show more complexity than this later on though. future yan will let me know by the end.

oh ok so it is bob the titan

since when was nico’s actual name niccolo??? how did i forget this detail??

“you have to listen if not you’ll share my fate.” “ominous much?” <- ok he’s finally himself again guys it’s all good

the one-sided beef nico has with percy will never not be funny

“cookie monster appeared over the mouth of the jar, reached inside and gobbled up nico like the chocolate-chip cookie he was.” <- nevermind i’ve gone back to hating this book again

“what was one straight boy when you spent your whole life longing for the impossible?” <- i’m reminded of that time a few years back where everyone made ‘having an unrequited crush on percy’ nico’s whole fanon personality, so i’m glad they addressed this somewhat. this boy has been through so much and people really thought crushing on percy was the biggest thing to focus on about ‘nico angst.’

“we made a mistake. you have to fix it.” <- call me a red flag but if i was nico i would do anything and everything to not go. i would medicate myself so highly on sleeping pills that i can’t dream (doctor bf can go kick rocks). i would track percy and annabeth down and haul their asses into tartarus instead to do it. and if i had to go i would only go in to kill bob myself for sending me those traumatic ass nightmares. no thx. bro willingly jumped in himself and now wants me to save him. nuh uh.

not cupid being will 😭 its like his aphrodite 😭 i am not well.

they always have a really good and emotionally moving scene and they ruin it with a dumb joke. let it be heavy 👏👏

something’s really fishy and i have a feeling that it might not be bob calling for him

if this whole “grumpy ball of darkness” thing continues i will actually lose it

you can’t tell me the percabeth pep talk was actually needed. i will forgive it because i miss them though

im sensing tension in the gap between nico’s connection to the underworld and his relationship with will and i’m here for ittttt. give me the dramaaa

who is the gorgyra girl and why is she in their business sm?

oh shit a will solace pov??? christmas came early 🙏

nevermind that whole nightmare sequence was so fucked up 😭😭

somebody HELP HIM i never thought we would get will angst (nico angst fs, but will???)

DONT JUMP IN THE STYX PLEASE

SOMEBODY TELL HIM HE’S HELPFUL OMG

nico strangling epiales in his sleep is so fucking cool he’s literally HIM he’s literally THAT GUY

[eremiphobic]

i ended up writing a whole bunch of shit so its under a cut. cw for graphic nightmares and negative self talk and sexual assault i guess

I feel like all I talk about is my symptomology. It just takes up so much of my mental energy right now, trying to be mindful and identify symptoms and try to figure out what my non-elevated and non-depressed mood is, trying to counter my mood ramping up to keep myself more level so I don’t peak and crash. I spent most of high school in a hypomanic state, crashed into mostly depression, and I think I’ve been mostly mixed state ever since. It just feels so embarrassing? When I’m hypomanic and running around the house and just being hyper and talking really fast. Like I feel like I’m not funny or engaging just annoying and cringey. Fucking cringe culture or whatever has just put a name to a fear, of seeming like a fool or immature or whatever the fuck.

also I flossed my teeth today and now my teeth and gums hurt and it feels like my teeth are gonna fall out which I obviously know they won’t but still. all my dreams are lucid dreams except for the bad ones. I don’t think I ever know I’m dreaming when my teeth are falling out. in the dreams I always know this is something that has either happened to me before or know that I have dreamt about it before and this time is real.

I had a dream the other day that haley and lily and i were in russia. and we were inside a coffee shop and outside the window on the street there were people gathered around and wagon - not a horse wagon but one you pull children in. and in it was a little boy lying face up and from where we were we couldn’t see his face only his body. and this scene is unfolding and we find out, not really see, that there is like a big sphere with two halves that is encasing this boys head, like imagine two halves of a coconut right around this kids head. and there are police men and people trying to remove this from the kid’s head. and eventually they open it or remove it and the kid has no head at all. anyway it was fucked, and i was so sad about it, about this poor kid, and the dream went on and we were like back home going about our lives and i was just so sad about this kid in the street, and upset that me and haley and lily had to witness it and then just go about our lives. and when i woke up i was so relieved that this beheaded kid wasnt real and we didn’t really have to live with seeing it. jesus. i know my teeth have never really all fallen out but i know the feeling so well of them all loose in my mouth and all coming out of my gums that i feel like ive lived it.

I want to aestheticize everything i do. i want to turn everything into art. people talk about bursts of creativity during mania and I normally scoff at that as being a symptom i don’t get to benefit from or whatever but I spent several hours the other day cutting my pants into strips to turn into a weaving. i want to weave a coat of arms, like a flag or banner. i have 2 burgundy 2 light blue 2 black 1 white. but maybe i could bleach them all and dye them however i want.

i have to write and research this group paper but i feel so disassociated, worse than i have in quite a while. and i just can’t stop thinking. not long enough to do anything.

before i got the bipolar diagnosis, a couple years ago i was in group therapy at york and it was pretty shitty because no one ever came and it would be you and 1 or 2 other guys, and it was cancelled all the time and was all in all shit show and just not therapeutically helpful at all, but something good was this guy who was very kind and had pretty intense anxiety related to a knew diagnosis, and he was describing his experiences of trying to get things done and apply to jobs and just generally function and the nitty gritty of what was hard about it, and i was blown away by how much he was describing my exact experience with certain things, which i hadn’t heard anyone done before, and i was adding to what he said, and we were both just so elated to hear it from each other, and eventually he says that ya ADHD is a bitch and that he doesn’t know my particular diagnosis or whatever but yeah that that was his and it was nice to hear someone explain the exact same problems. and i thought like oh shit i had no idea and maybe this does fit me, and have thought a lot about it and thinking i might have undiagnosed attention deficit issues. anyway i just found out that hypomania has symptoms of attention deficit and concentration etc which present much the same way as adhd. so anyway. that’s nice to know.

i miss my family and feel like a shit daughter and shit sister, and shit partner. i know my friends love me. even when i feel like they dont i know im wrong. i wish i could just fucking snap out of it.

all this sexual assault talk is great but so upsetting. but then i feel shit for being upset about it cuz stuff wasn’t super serious that i’ve experienced i guess, even though i know that’s not logical and i know that part of what everyone is saying is that any small story matters. just thinking about how shit ive felt and how scared ive been is just shit.

im trying to write myself out of a spiral not dig into one. i cant re-orrient my brain into the work i need to do. i hoped writing the stuff i couldnt stop thinking about would help but im still cycling and cant stop thinking anyway. so its not working but its still worth while i think. i feel like i need to go to bed because its dark but its not even 7. 

i feel like im betraying people when i spend time not working on my obligations or self care because its taking even more time away from spending time with them, the longer it takes me to do stuff. 

im going to a work dinner tonight. i hope the people i like are there and not just the people who make me feel small and unwanted there. i think it would be fun to be at dinner with meagan and lakeisha and annie and dave for example. so i hope they’re all there and actually interact with me. cuz the other scenario is the people are all there but dont engage. anyway.

i feel like i cant stop. im so embarrassed.  i feel like i could write until i pass out. im going to try to work for 10 minutes. even just 10 minutes so i feel less incompetent. then i can go home. and i think i might write more tonight when im not able to sleep. decreased need for sleep is a hypomania symptom. im lethargic and want to stay in bed in the mornings but when i actually think about it its accurate that im needing to sleep way less/can’t sleep. anyway thats all folks.