#also like cry me a river as fucking if you wont love every second of it on tour

[ilostyou]

swifttok is so wrong for being genuinely upset at rumors that taylor is soundchecking me! as if it's not one of her biggest mainstream-est well-known singles AND as if it's not a whole bop

[homieswithhades]

why steve rogers returning to the past was wrong

disclaimer: im clearly a stucky enthusiast, but please, do not be thrown off by that. i admit, there may be undertones of bias because of that in the following, but i did my best with trying to lay out the facts and draw logical conclusions, so do please give me a chance. also, i may have accidentaly omitted some moments and some quotes may not be 100% word for word, as my memory lowkey sucks. ALSO this is NOT a peggy hate post!! i think shes a dope and underrated character and quite frankly she was done dirty. but i also definitely h8 the trope of badass woman falls for the hero.

first and foremost, every sane person knows endgame was complete and utter bullshit when dealing with steves character, so this post will be more for you to maybe show (and hopefully convince) some stubborn friend or family member. nice, concise (not) and including proof from the movies (+a few tweets and stucky undertones, if u dont fw that i respect it but bucky is an integral part to steves character regardless of how u interpret their relationship) here is why steves character development was thrown away at the end of endgame.

let us begin at looking at the cap trilogy.

in ca:tfa it should be noted that steve had no one to return to in the 40s, except bucky. i believe steves relationship with peggy was no where near as developed as it should have been to elicit him returning exclusively for her. as we are aware, steves driving force has absolutely always been bucky. bucky was there for steve after his parents died, when he was sick, and always protected him from whatever trouble he got himself into. "until the end of the line" right? steves relationship with peggy was forced and short lived, literally, we're talking a matter of months here. i need to keep emphasising the important disparity between bucky and peggy, as it is absolutely key in this whole argument. steve dropped everything and went against every order just to even attempt to save bucky. even the slightest chance of him surviving being captured was enough for steve to break into a hydra camp and free the 107th division. steve even had the chance to capture zola, one of the main villains and masterminds of the war, but again, steve prioritised bucky. when theyre trying to escape the exploding hydra camp, the exchange between steve and bucky is critical. steve says "go! get out of here!" as all he wanted was bucky escaping safely. he put bucky's life over his own (this wasnt the first time he did this, nor the last) but bucky rooted himself to the spot, and yelled back "no, not without you!". they both escaped safely as we know, and then steve gathers the howling commandos to take down the red skull. bucky then falls off the train, nd steve blames himself for his death, even visibly crying over it twice. steves morals went from "i dont wanna kill anyone. i dont like bullies, i dont care where theyre from" before buckys death, to "i wont stop until all of hydra are dead or captured" after. stuff happens and steve defeats the red skull and is now in control of the flying ship with the bombs. he connects the comms with peggy and she tries to convince him theres another way to disarm the ship. steve was so dedicated at that point he didnt even want to hear it. he didnt even attempt to do anything to ensure his survival. this alone proves, peggy was not important enough to him to return to.

next is ca:tws. The stevebucky movie. in the museum, peggy confirms that steve saved the man from the 107th division who eventually became her husband (steve was never in the 107th, just to clarify) i believe her husbands name was daniel sousa (as revealed in the marvels agents of shield show) steve then finds out peggy is alive and talks to her. she, in short, tells him she's lived her life, and it was his turn to live his in the time hes in. the "my best girl" line was unnecessary and out of place; again, steve barely knew her. again, shit goes down, and steve finds out the winter soldier is bucky and immediately drops everything, and becomes dead set on saving him. not killing, not imprisoning, but saving him. no matter the cost. "he saw me, and he didnt even know me" "hes not the kind you save, hes the kind you stop. he won't recognise you" "he will." god, steve KNEW bucky would recognise him. regardless of the brainwashing, steve managed to break through the barrier hydra fought so hard to drill into buckys mind. nothing ever broke him out of that state exept for steve. "im not gonna fight you, youre my friend." "youre my mission" "then finish it. cos im with you till the end of the line." [[good fucking lord let me break out of my essay-esque semi professional format here and just say how fucking heartbreaking those lines are. oh my god. read them, over and over until it hits you.]] steve shows us again, that he is willing to not only die for bucky, but literally die by his hand. he would let bucky kill him. he'd dropped his shield. he didnt fight back. steve always, always, ALWAYS got up and fought back. always. exept that time. the time bucky could have killed him. that scene is the essence of "im with you till the end of the line" because then, it was true. it was true because steve was okay with dying at buckys mercy. theres a difference between sacrificing yourself for the greater good (steve going into the ice), willing to die for someone (steve risking his life multiple times in attempts to save bucky) and finally, being willing to let someone kill you, because you love and trust them so much (hellicarier scene). the difference between peggy and bucky's relationship to steve is that steve may be willing to die for either, but only willing to be killed by one. not to mention, bucky pulled steve from the river. he recognised him. steve broke through 70 years of brainwashing with such impact it literally drove bucky away from hydra out of his own free will.

in between ca:tws and ca:cw its confirmed (im p sure sam says it) that him and steve looked for bucky for two. years. even off screen, bucky was steves priority.

im going to squeeze in 2 points from from age of ultron here, for chronology's sake:

steves worst nightmare, as portayed in the movie, is LITERALLY going back to the 40s and being stuck there (with peggy too??lmfao) and also the quote "family, stability, the man who wanted all that went in the ice 75 years ago. i think another one came out." objectively confirms that steve isn't the man he used to be, and doesnt want to return to the past. aou may have sucked, but that doesn't mean the character development should be thrown away.

ca:cw. hoo boy. steve went against 117 countries and half of his closest friends and colleagues because he believed bucky was innocent of the bombing of the un conference. god, steve quite literally, did everything to defend and protect bucky. though i shall acknowledge that steve did attend peggy's funeral, however, there was no real connotations there other than the fact he was mourning her death (understabdibly so). steve then proceeds to protect bucky for 2 hours 27 mins and 41 seconds to the point where they escape together to siberia after the airport fight. "i dont know if im worth all this steve" "what you did all those years... it wasnt you. you didnt have a choice." "i know. but i did it" again, absolutely heartbreaking quotes if you read it a couple of times and truly understand the meaning of them. steve somewhat indirectly tells bucky yes, yes he is worth all of this. otherwise, he wouldn't be doing it. a quote to support that would be "for the longest time, i always did what i thought was right." (disclaimer this is not a direct quote i deadass couldnt find it to save my life, i belive steve said it at some point during civil war or tws, but the point is, bucky is the only thing that could have shaken steves morals so intensely.) and finally, the most important part of cw, the fight at the end with tony. bucky and steve constantly protected each other. steve kept fighting because he was fighting for bucky. to keep him safe from tony and the world. he got up, time and time again. "i can do this all day." the fact that he said that to tony, some people consider them the closest of friends, proves again, a million times over, bucky is more important to steve than literally anything else, INCLUDING his shield. his mantle. he dropped it and left it like it was nothing, because his priority was bucky. as always.

theres not much to discuss for infinity war other than their hug whicg was honestly just adorable.

mmmmm endgame. i will not go into how much i hate that movie because it would be a rant quintuple the length of this one. in the support group, steve dead ass fucking says "you gotta move on. you gotta move on" and that sentiment was literally forgotten at the end. my main point for endgame is this. people tend to tell me, the reason steve abandoned bucky and went back to be with peggy is because he knew that he was finally safe. :/. if you had half a braincell youd know that's not true. the steve we know, never would have left bucky for good, ESPECIALLY after the "dont do anything stupid until i get back" exchange [[god i want to beat the shit out of the r*ssos]] mostly because, bucky had fucking no one in the time he was living in!!! no family, no friends and most heartbreakingly, no one he could trust. (yes sam was there but were just seeing their friendship develop now in tfatws, all that wasnt there in endgame) and secondly, what made steve think bucky was entirely safe??? half of the worlds population just suddenly reappeared, which as we see now, there were massive consequences for that. i simply believe steve is not that stupid. steve going back was disrespectful not only to his character, but to bucky AND peggy. most importantly, the steve we've been watching since 2011 would NEVER abandon bucky, no matter how safe he thought he was (he visited him frequently in wakanda, the safest place on the planet arguably ffs) especially for such a dumbass and quite frankly, nonsensical reason as going back to be with peggy, who clearly stated to him she moved on, and so should he (which he did. idk endgame writers prolly didnt watch the previous movies :/) its not even debatable. bucky is more important to steve than peggy. even in terms of screentime.

now allow some tweets to speak for me, this one being the absolute most important one:

ladies and gentlefolk, all of the stuff ive said can be summarised in that last line. "it would be contrary to who he is."

heres some more:

and now finally, id like to briefly mention steve and tfatws, so beware of spoilers (writing this as of ep 4 coming out; praying it doesn't age badly)

bucky mentions steve, unprompted, fucking constantly. he clearly isnt over steve leaving, and im hoping that gets acknowledged and talked out in the show.

in conclusion, tl:dr, steve shouldn't have returned to the past and stayed there, it is contrary to who he is, as shown to us through his trilogy and other appearances in the mcu. not to mention the timeline bullshit in endgame makes zero sense in the first place.

[keroseneinhalers]

my favorite part of warrior cats is the grotesque story of squirrelflight, ashfur, and the extended cast of cats that sound like they came out of an ajj song

this gal named squirrelflight flirts with a guy named ashfur a few times. typical 80s romance song. its quick, its fleeting. squirrelflight gets together with brambleclaw. its all real lovely. brambleclaw gets promoted to leader after squirrelflights dad goes into retirement and makes his deputy the chief. brambleclaw is now bramblestar

(before the promotion and after the marriage, brambleclaw leads the entire 4 clans to a new territory. not relevant. he also stabs his brother in the neck with a tent stake)

and then squirrelflights sister leafpool, who is a medicine cat and sworn into celibacy, has sex with a guy from windclan named crowfeather. this is something all the cats are sworn not to do. double illegal.

crowfeather is a bit of a whore because he was previously in love with another girl who went on a magical journey with him when he was a child. (brambleclaw was there for that too. brambleclaw is eternal and everywhere) the girl crowfeather was in love with got impaled by a falling stalagmite while protecting a tribe of savage feral cats with names very similar to english translations of a few native american names i know. interesting. racist? there was a mountain lion involved

yeah so they have sex and leafpool gets pregnant. but since she did two crimes in one she gives the kids to squirrelflight and pretends they belong to her and brambelstar. theres an uncomfortable birthing scene because the kids decided to emerge from her cat uterus in the middle of a snowstorm. this is very telling of their characters after birth

theres three kids. jayfeather lionblaze and hollyleaf. jayfeather is very angry. lionblaze is angry but in a brave way. hollyleaf loves rules. they are a legendary trio

theres a thing about superpowers, and a prophecy or something. jay is sickly and blind and can see peoples thoughts. lionblaze never loses any fights, ever, and he maims ashfur a little while theyre trianing. hollyleaf doesnt have any powers, but she is absolutely obsessed with the warrior code and gets caught up with a guy named sol who says the world is gonna end. none of this is relevant except the "bootlicker hollyleaf" thing

ashfur is stewing. ashfur has been stewing for years now. long enough that they literally brought all 4 clans across the continent to a new territory kind of stewing. hes lonely. he misses the girl he was madly in love with, and shes married to the coolest guy in town. hes in agony. (over in windclan, crowfeather has a new girlfriend. manwhoring as long as he lives)

theres a big fire. thunderclans entire territory sets on fire. everyone is escaping, except for squirrelflight and her three kids. jayfeather, lionblaze, and hollyleaf, who is contemplating becoming an antivaxxer or something

imagine this: a clearing on the edge of a pit. the pit is where the cats live. everything is on fire around this clearing. there is one log running across the clearing, and squirreflight and her fake kids are going along it to escape. theyre the last out

ashfur appears he stands at the other end of the log. hes pissed. hes crying. he hates squirrelflight. he hates her so much. his rage is all consuming, like the fire that burns around them. he says he wants her in as much pain as possible, and he knows how: taking the only thing she loves in this world. her 3 kids

we all know something ashfur doesnt. the kids arent hers. squirrelflight, though non an omnipresence, is gifted with this knowledge herself.. she sees ashfurs twisted evil mind and tells him, flat out that they arent hers. she doesnt love them. he can kill them, they mean nothing to her. they are, after all, just her sister leafpool's. why would she care for them?

ashfur is stunned. he gives up. he leaves. squirrelflight and her three kids leave. its a bit awkward. imagine the thanksgiving dinner table after a particularly bad argument. thats all this is really

anyways. hollyleaf is broken from this. shes the daughter of a medicine cat and a manwhore from a clan that only eats rabbits. she cant take it. much like ashfur, she snaps

there are these big clan meetings, once every month. everyone goes, except the old people and the dying people and the kids who just want juiceboxes and lunchables. thunderclan is heading out to the Meeting Island. they find a body in the river. surprise! its ashfur

they go on to the gathering despite finding the body of one of their finest, most mentally haunted warriors polluting the stream with the blood seeping out of his slit throat. the three kids are there. squirrelflight is there. leafpool is there. bramblestar is there

this story has very weird heathers energy to me. its there, but it isnt coherant. like a bad remix of 100 gecs, sort of. this part is no exception

hollyleaf runs up to the big tree the clan leaders stand on and monologue. shes not allowed to do this. perhaps the sense that she lost her identity with her illigitimate birth turned into something real, that the warrior code didnt matter anymore. perhaps she was just tired of being kind; she wanted to go apeshit

she confesses. to two things. number one - the muderder of ashfur. how tragic. number two - leafpool. leafpools affar with crowfeather. squirrelflights lies to her for her entire life. theres chaos. thunderclan is like stan twitter after a minecraft youtuber said something racist 8 years ago. the 3 other clans are trying desperately to get in on this drama. the hot tea of the hour if you will

hollyleaf says her share. she runs away. lionblaze and jayfeather chase after her all the way back to the thunderclan territory. she yells at them. she runs into a tunnel and gets crushed by rocks. thats the end. shes dead.

jk jk that was a lie shes alive and shes living in a huge cave system with a ghost cat. remember the native american coded mountain tribe? yeah, they had ancestors. the ancestors lived at the territory the 4 clans moved to after squirelflight flirted with ashfur and before she got together with bramblestar. they used to drown little kids in the tunnels. jayfeather is the entire reason why the ancestors moved to the mountains and became the racist mountain tribe. i wont explain the timeline of this, and i dont think i could if i tried

up above hollyleafs slowburn romance with a transparent cat, theres a new girl with superpowers. prophecy fulfilled yadda yadda. her sister is annoyed that she isnt #quirky and so she joins a fighting cult run by the cats in hell. i cannot stress this enough its literally every cat from the 50 some books before this who went to hell. they have an army of children. theyre training them. the sister kills one of her classmates and becomes equals with the hell cats. my second favorite plotline in the series

the hell cats come to the land of the living. the sister betrays them. theres a big battle, and its supposed to be the end of the series but you know theyre gonna continue it for at least 20 more books. (they did). hollyleaf appears, and i dont think its ever explained how or why. but shes back, and she joins the battle. everyones too busy with the literal hell cats to care much about some kid with a body count of 1 appearing randomly

hollyleaf fights a bit. she gets mauled to death. thats the end. its just over. she dies and she doesnt come back. rip to a queen

i think my biggest question besides why would someone create this ad continue to do so for fifty plus books, is how the fuck brambleclaw stabbed his brother with a tent stake when he literally doesn’t even have hands. what.

[theyanderespecialist]

Cheating 2 (One Shot) Bucky X OC Marie X Steve (1950's AU) (Yandere) (Marvel)

(no one's pov)

Marie was shocked, she didn't know what to say, what she could say..she felt like she was cheating on Bucky when Steve started to come around and make sure she was okay, she never touched him, but she felt an emotional connection. But now..to be held, she was desperate for that. She gripped his hands as she slowly kissed him back, but she didn't know what to think. God.. what if Bucky came home? ....he probably wouldn't even care actually. So there was nothing wrong with this. Steve stayed loyal all this time and never made a move for her sake. Now when he sees her wrong her makes a move and she needed it

(...steve... you're so dead)

(Beyond dead XD)

Marie wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer to her as she started to cry, not because she was sad, well sad because of the kiss, but because she finally has someone touching her,holding her, letting her know she's important.

(I mean she's like touch starved at this point)

(Yes she is)

(cause like touch starving can take a while but if you are in a relationship with someone, in the same house, and they aren't even paying attention, it can make it worse)

(Yes it can and it also happens in kids who are in abussive house holds they become touch starve for even simple things like hugs. IT is a sad and dangerous case. And we mean could touch like hugs and kisses on head touch starve is not just sexual)

(Yeah like all touch)

(Mmmmhmmm also can happen in infants when they are not skin to skin or neglected without being held as babies. I remember a old video in health class how babies reacted to not getting enough touch or attention. It is terrible of the psyche.)

He pulls away and wipes those tears away. "It is okay, you are the most important thing in my life." He says. "And I will show you just how much I love you and adore you and how important you are."

He picks her up and carried her up to the master bedroom.

(Oh shit you doing it in their bed XD Bucky wont be happy)

She held onto him as she looked up at him. "i-I ..I've only done this once.. I-I'm sorry if I'm not any good--"

"hey don't talk like that." He kisses her. "Actually you will be my first." He says blushing. "I just it did not feel right the idea of making love with someone I did not truly love."

(UGH!!!! Steve XD Why does your name have to be Steve if it was not I be all over that ass XD)

She looked at him for a moment as she smiled at him. "Steve..oh steve." She muttered as she gave a smile touching the side of his face. "How long?" She asked.

(Yeah how long you been thinking about stealing your best friends girl? I mean part of it because romance the other part she has literally no self love anymore and needs it)

"Since the day I met you, I know it is corny but I believe it was love at first sight, but I was not good enough for you, I was weak and wimpy and could not give you the life you deserved. It killed me to stand next to my best friend as his best man and watch the woman I love Marry him." He says kissing down her neck. "I won't make the same mistake twice. I am not loosing you again."

"steve.. when you came the first time, before the serum, I.. I still I had feelings for you..you were never wimpy, you fought even when you couldn't win them.." she muttered softly as she smiled.

He laid his head on her chest and smiled. "I wanted to give you the world..." He says. "But if I had been a man I could given you not the world but what you needed, love, adoration, loyalty and a family. I want to correct that mistake, only if you want me to."

She looked down at him, her hands now running through his hair. "I want you too..I need it Steve." She said softly

"I will give it all and more." He promises sealing it with a kiss and they began to make out heatedly.

He held her close as her hands untied her robe that she was wearing, pulling it off as she kicked it off the bed, not really caring if where it would land, and it end up landing right on the wedding photo of her and Bucky before he left. He kisses down her chest and takes a nipple in her mouth making her moan loudly and he moved one hand down to rub her clit.

She moaned as her hips moved to meet his hand as she gripped the sides of the bed. There was something so wrong about doing this in her and her husband's bed.. but she really didn't care as she arched into Steve.

(uh yeah lady, something super wrong.)

(Yeah I just cant put my finger on it. XD Is it the little red dot on steves head? Or the guy watching from the rooftop across the way or the fact that their is a microchip in your skin XD Something is wrong XD)

(Your husband, who was tortured and lost an arm, who was thought to be dead but was alive, comes back...and youre having sex..not with a stranger..but his best friend (and target))

(XD Oh that XD Yeah that too XD)

(I mean all of thkse are also valid just ...moan out how he's better than bucky why don't you)

(Yeah also do it near the microphone in the wall so he can really hear it XD Oh god Bucky is going to kill us XD)

(XD he's gonna kill you, not me xD but...death would be better)

\

(He is going to fuck you until you can never walk again then take you to a hydra base and never let you see the daylight again while he continues to fuck you until you are filled with his seed XD That is his next mission BABIES XD me I be dead in a ditch rotting while you live a life of making super soldier babies XD)

(Uh...I'll take death is death still on the table?)

(Maybe... if you egg him on enough XD)

Steve smiles in the kiss and slowly slips a finger in making her moan louder and start riding that one finger wanting more.

(I mean I'd have to find a time I WASN'T pregnant Which.. Is never in that scenario)

(Welp you are going be a baby making machine and Bucky will breed you three ways to sunday XD)

(do I at least get the weekends off?)

\

(Hmmmm I think that could be negotiated XD)

She kissed his again as she as waited for him to add the second, which he quickly did as she moaned, this went on for a while until she started whining.

"C-Come on Steve..p-please.." she asked softly as he looked at her and smiled as he kissed her once more as he started pushing in as she moaned.

"Oh god..it feels so good..you already feel so much better than bucky."

(And xD she did it mate. Like...ouch. steve hasn't even done anything and he already feels better than Bucky)

(XD She did he dead XD He deader than dead XD He drop dead burried eight feet XD)

"y-you know steve.. I-I don't want you to pull out. I-I want you and I to start a family"

(just to make it worse

(again....in her and her HUSBAND'S bed)

(XD You might be dead before baby making XD you keep that up XD)

(Hey I'm touch starved, I was vunrable Steve took advantage)

(Damn XD Selling Steve down the river XD)

They continue like this and Steve lined up no condom on and no plans to stop until she was pregnant.

(And another breeder -.- the army be giving these guys something fishy XD)

She smiled at him as he pushed into her as she let out a moan as her hands shoot out, wrapping around Steve.

"D-Do I feel good?" She asked

(praise her. She deserves it Steve. I don't know why she does, but she does)

(She waited over a year for it she deserves it XD)

"You feel so wonderful~" He purrs. "Better than I ever imagined."

She let out a small, happy moan as she smiled. "I-imagined huh? You think about it a lot?" She teased

(all must give at least 3 praises for praise kink Marie.)

(all hail praise Kink Marie! XD)

"Yes every day since I met you imagine how you feel milking me dry and filling you up with my seed how pretty you look all hot and sweaty under me." He says. "They can never compare to the real thing."

She blushed bit the smile on her face and the pure happiness in her eyes it was something Steve hadn't seen for over a year.

(Awwww)

(So damn sweet!)

He kisses her deeply. "There it is~" He says. "That perfect smile that makes my stomach do flip flops every time I see it."

(Oh god steve you sweetheart! Cinnamon roll)

She blushed darkly as she moaned when he thrust gently, it was..sweet. she covered her face at his words, yet even her ears were red, and she could try and hide it..but her smile was so big, he could see behind her hands. He grins kissing her face all over and then they started to fuck and oh did they fuck he kept praising her and she felt more love than any other time in her life. They both came together and then Steve smiles until he sees a red sniper light on the wall. He pulls Marie to the floor right when a bullet goes into the house.

[insidetheacademy]

Say You Love Me || v

pairings: peter parker x reader (both are 18+!)

summary: y/n settles down in paris and met a new friend! also peter has a surprise

warnings: wet dREAAAMS

gif credits: tomholandd

part i part ii part iii part iv part v

-

the flight to Paris was okay except for a baby that was crying super loud. jeez, babies shouldnt be allow to travel you thought to yourself. after you had arrived, you went straight to this beautiful cottage that was apparently the company’s property. you said goodbye and thank you to the taxi driver and took a good look at the house infront of you. this is it, you’re gonna have to spend your time in this house for God knows how long.

you dragged your suitcase in and set it aside. you explored the interior of the house before going to the backyard. it was beautiful. there was a visible river and someone who used to lived here definitely took a good care of it since theres flowers and everything that you had seen in a fairytale. you werent gonna lie, you do feel like you’re a pauper. you took out your phone and captured the photo to upload to your Instagram. you captioned it “la vie en rose”, cliché but you had planned about taking photos and making your captions in french since you got on the airplane.

you head inside to take out all of your paintings essential. you felt inspired just by looking at the view there. you took one of the chair from the garden and sit down and started painting on your easel. you startled when you felt someone tapped your shoulder, you turned around and saw a tall pale man. he looks like he’s from around here.

“hey! y/n right?” he asked smiling wide, you took out your earphone “yeah? and who are you?” you asked confusingly, “Jules? we’re supposed to be working together?” he said trying to refresh your brain but you were still confused. “did they not tell you about me?” Jules asked, you shook your head and said a small sorry. you must have slipped over the email when they said that. you feel so stupid right now,

Jules explained everything and apparently he’s your new roommate. he was supposed to help you do a big painting for Claude Monet. you invited him inside to make a cup of tea for the both of you. “so, where are you from, Jules?” you cusped your teacup, “I live 30 minutes away from here. they wanted me to be here all the time to complete the painting as fast as possible and I couldnt say no,” Jules said.

after an hour and a half of talking with Jules, you really feel right at home with him. you two just met but you really feel a connection between him. you also found out that during his free time, he’s a guitarist and does gigs here and there to make extra pocket money. he said he’s in a band thats called “The Rejects Club” you laughed hard when he told you that because it sounded so high school-ish. but in his defence, he did say that the band formed when they were still in high school.

it was close to dinnertime, you didnt want to eat as you already eat a croissant that you quickly grabbed from the airport but Jules insisted to make cook for the both of you, you couldnt say no when his voice sounded so velvety and is like a warm cup of coffee with marshmallows on top. you were sitting on the couch with the both of your legs on top of the coffee table scrolling through instagram when Peter replied to your story, “how’s Paris so far?” he asked, “it was tiring but tomorrow’s gonna be more tiring,” you said.

whatever Jules was cooking definitely made your stomach growl with anticipation. you werent hungry but whatever he was making definitely made you hungry. you stood up from the couch to look at what Jules was cooking and it was pasta. to be accurate; an aglio olio. it smelled so delicious. you wanted to help so you took out the plates from the cupboard and set it down on the table.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

“you know I love you right?” Peter said his lips nearing yours, you looked into his eyes and nodded. the kissed turned into a passionate and fiery kiss. he had your body against the wall, he was cusping your jaw with his left hand and the other underneath your shirt, you let out a moan and he squeezed tits.

“jump,” he said through the kiss and you obeyed not wanting to destroy the moment that you were having, he sets you down on the silk bed and continues to take of your clothes, he kissed from your collarbones to the place that you needed him the most, “y/n!” someone said, but you were so lost you thought it was Peter that was calling you but the familiar new voice kept coming closer and closer as you woke up.

you woke up with sweat forming on your forehead and your alarm ringing so goddamn loud, “jesus, are you okay?” Jules asked, “what time is it?” you looked around frantically trying to look for the clock, “its 10:30am! we were supposed to leave the house 15 minutes ago, y/n!” your eyes went wide and picked a floral strap dress and a cream coloured turtleneck. you went to the shower without having second thoughts.

you put your clothes on and quickly grabbed your shoes along with a pair of socks and your handbag. you locked the door and ran to Jules’ car. you were breathing heavily as you strapped your seatbelt on. “I can’t believe we’re late!” you said flabbergastedly, “yeah, I know! what time did you even go to bed?” Jules was clearly annoyed. seems like he’s the type of person to arrive right on time.

“I slept right after we had dinner! I don’t know why I couldn’t hear the alarm. God, I feel so stupid” You put your socks on and your shoes. You took out your lipstick and put them on. “Who is Peter, anyway?” Jules asked absentmindedly, you looked at him trying to find out how he knew that name and in hopes that he’s just fucking around but he’s not.

you closed your compact mirror, “he’s a friend of mine,” “a friend, huh?” Jules scoffed, “I didn’t know a friend moans another friend name in their sleep,” your face flushed with red as he said those words. “what the hell, Jules?! I could’ve went days without knowing that you heard me having wet dreams about my friend!” you cover your face in shame. you couldnt believe that he had hear you moaning Peter’s name

“Oh my gosh, I feel like I could just bury myself right here,” you said, “Relax, I’m not going to tell anyone,” Jules said taking your hands into his, giving you a warm smile.

you two had arrived at this building that was filled with paintings but not by those famous painters just paintings by painters that were starting out. “Ah darlings!” you heard a middle aged woman walking towards you with both of her hands wide open, obviously ready to hug the both of us to death.

“you must be Ms y/n!” she cupped your face and kissed your cheeks, what a weird way to greet somebody but thats how it is, “and you must be Jules!” she took a step back and took a good look of you and Jules’ faces. she introduced herself as Mrs. Autry. she walked the both of you around the office and explained about how everything works.

“I am so excited for the two of you to work with us,” she smiles warmly, “let me know if you need anything sweethearts!” she bid her goodbye and went to another direction. you and Jules walked to the nearest café and sat down there. you ordered a frappacino whilst Jules ordered a latte.

every now and then you somehow were reminded of how you dreamed of Peter. not only dreamed of him but in such an inappropriate way. you don’t like him anymore, you just don’t know why he’s haunting you this badly. should you stop being friends with him? it feels so awkward now that you dreamed of him banging you. “so what should we do?” Jules voice brought you back down to earth, you stuttered trying to come up with something.

he could tell by the look in your eyes that theres something wrong, “you know you can tell me anything right, y/n?” Jules said, he’s definitely good in reading someone’s body language. “i wont judge, y/n,” he reassures you, you took a deep breath and let everything out.

everytime you talked he would listen, he’s there for you, always looking into your eyes to keep the conversation going, you also mentioned about how Peter was a dick when he found out you were coming here, Jules said “what a dick, do you want me to punch him if he ever comes here?” Jules offered you then laughed at his attempt trying to make you feel better.

you both went home and went straight to each other’s room because you were so tired. you didnt realised how much walking there was gonna be today. you took out your phone and saw MJ messaged you, “hey!!! I have great news! I’m coming to Paris next month!” you smiled to yourself, woah, did MJ missed you that much already?

you typed back “I know you miss me but you don’t have to, you know?” “Haha, very funny, y/l/n,” you chuckled and asked her “why are you coming here?” a three dots appeared and her response was “I just wanted to go there and experienced a real trip. not like when we get to go there and it was cancelled,” you still remember when the school trip cancelled going to Paris because apparently they got “upgraded” to go to Prague.

you smiled when you remembered thats how you found out Peter was Spider-man. “well, you’re going to love Paris,” you replied to MJ. you also gave her your current home address in Paris so she can visit you! she thought it was a lovely idea.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

“can’t you please to do this for me, MJ?” Peter begged MJ, basically down on his knees. “fine! but if everything went wrong do not blame me!” MJ gave in. Peter was planning to meet you in Paris but he wants it to be a surprise. something you’re going to remember till you’re dead.

Peter have missed you so much and he swore he could go crazy if he couldn’t see your face for another month. Peter was so excited that you gave a thumbs up and that you even gave MJ your address in Paris. he wonders to himself what could go wrong?

“there, I’ve done it, now can you please leave?” MJ crosses her arms, pissed that Peter hadwoken her up in the middle of the night because he couldnt keep it in his pants about his “love” for you. atleast thats what MJ teased him about. he never quite really admit it but MJ could see it and told him that he’s not fooling anybody with those goo goo eyes.

“thank you, MJ. i’ll find a way to repay you. i promise.” Peter said while crouching on her window, “you better, Parker, or you wont see the light of day ever again.” MJ threatens jokingly at Peter. he laughs and there he goes, he shot his webs to another building.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

a/n: hi sorry i know this is short and boring but i have so much on my plate right now but to make it up, I’ll try to post the next chapter tonight or tomorrow! again so SORRY its boring skdjsks but please do leave your thoughts!

say you love me taglist:

@imawkwardandhereweare @canyonmoonspidey @thebadassbitchqueen @thequeenreaders @averyfosterthoughts @a--1--1--3

[80swh0r3]

[so I did this thing last night and wrote a jalex two-shot. My English is a mess but anyways]

⚠️Warning: kind of suicidal thoughts and indirect mention of self harming⚠️

He felt like getting haunted, while Alex was walking down the street. No idea where he was going, but everything was fine, as long as he got away from his home. More especially from the person at his home, who was sleeping on his floor for the last two weeks.

That person, better known as Justin Foley, was one of the reasons the bleached blonde-haired boy felt like getting haunted. One reason, but not the only.

There was this feeling of guilt haunting him, ever since the day of Hannah bakers’ suicide. Or did it start before that? Honestly, Alex couldn’t really remember, but what he knew was that it got harder and harder to live with it every day.

Maybe I don’t need to live with it. Maybe I don’t need to live anyways

Quickly he shook his head, to get ride of this thoughts. Just like all these posters said: “suicide is not an option”

Well, it was. It was for Hannah and maybe it could be his option too. 

Or at least that was what the voices inside his head tried to tell him. Tried to tell him since month.

So why doesn’t he just listen to them and make all of that guilt an end? It was not like anyone would miss him. And it would shut these voices up and that was something he really wanted to happen.

Alex was exhausted and these voices were really fucking loud in his head, sometimes they were the only thing he could hear. Nothing around him, no other thoughts. Just these voices, telling him how it was his fault what happened to Hannah. That he doesn’t deserve to live, when he practically killed his best friend.

At this moment, he would look himself in his room, screaming in his pillow, crying and hating himself for being so damn weak. He shouldn’t cry. It was not up to him to cry, when he was the one hurting people. Hurting Hannah, hurting Jess, hurting himself and anyone else around him. 

“This shit is just fucked up”

This sentence wasn’t meant to be said out loud, but he couldn’t stop it and before Alex realized it, the words slipped from his lips and he literally screamed them in the night. Down the river he was standing at. And for once, he was louder than the voices.

Finally.

Well, it was probably not for long, but still. For a minute they were quiet, quite like the whole world around him, as Alex began to get lost in his thoughts again.

His thoughts about this feeling of getting haunted.

Then he wasn’t only haunted by guilt, because he was an asshole most of the time, to the people who were there for him, no the since yesterday there was something else.

Now he got haunted by feelings and memories. Memories of the last night, which is the reason he tried to avoid Justin since then. Avoiding someone who literally lives in your house, is pretty hard but not impossible.

But avoiding the memories about what happened between them, the last night, wad definitely harder. A lot harder. 

Living with Justin foley is everything, but definitely not easy. 

It wasn’t even the fact that he drank the last cup of coffee this morning- okay, maybe that was part of the reason- but no. You can make new coffee or buy some at Monet’s, but what you cant do is getting the jock to put on a t-shirt for sleep. 

Mission impossible.

The first night, it was surprising and Alex would lie if he would say he hadn’t stared at least a little bit. But who wouldn’t stare, if Justin fucking foley was standing – bare chested- in the middle of your room, looking like a lost puppy. A freaking hot puppy, but never mind. 

The thing is, this first night was supposed to be one night and not two weeks. Two weeks of having a practically half naked footballer sleeping on your floor, only a few meters apart from your own bed. And no, that is definitely and for a hundred percent nothing Alex could get used to. Not in a million years.

And he tried everything to get Justin, to at least wear a top or something, but that “Stupid asshole” – to quote the Standall boy- stayed with his opinion that it was way too hot in Alex room.

That wasn’t true and everyone who ever visited Alex knew that. His room was fucking cold and he was literally freezing every night. But Justin simply didn’t cared, about catching a cold, as long as he could sleep like he want.

Stubborn, stupid and unfairly hot idiot.

But to get back to the important situation. 

The two boys were both laying, like always, when Justin suddenly broke the silence: “Why do you let me stay here Standall?   We both know you hate me”

That was a lie. Maybe Justin thought he hate him- and maybe Alex never did anything against that thought- but the truth was, he kind of really liked the Liberty-High-Star-Footballer. Maybe a little bit too much, not that he would ever mention that.

No, the blue-eyed boy would rather die than ever admit that.

“I don’t hate you foley”, was his silently response, after quiet a time. He needed to overthink these words. They weren’t any big words, but it took Alex some time to figure out what he wanted to say.

“Yeah of course not. We all know that you are actually my biggest fan and secretly love me”

It was a joke and the sarcasm were clearly understandable, but for a short moment Alex’s heart stopped beating, just to continue that three times to fast after that.

He couldn’t know right? He wasn’t that obvious about his kinda-crush on Justin, or was he?

“Standall? You still awake”

Oh yes, Alex was awake, but he was still busy to keep his heartbeat at least a little normal.

Don’t act so specious Standall. God damn!

What can you say? To stop talking to Justin, was his first fault this night, then only seconds later, he felt the weight of someone sitting only a few inches apart from him, on the edge of his bed.

“What the fuck, Foley. What are you doing? Go back to sleep”

That was definitely not Justin’s plan, then the jock didn’t even think about moving from where he was sitting. He was awake and he felt the bad urge to kiss Alex right here and now.

To be honest, he felt like that since weeks, but hearing the other boy saying that he didn’t hate him, made Justin happier than he would ever admit.

Of course, a “I don’t hate you” was far away from a “its okay if you kiss me, because I like you too” but it was better than nothing.

“I am not going back to sleep; I am way too awake for that”

The only respond from Alex was a loud sight, before he finally turned himself around, to at least face Justin- as good as possible in the darkness the room was filled with.

“Maybe you are, but other people need sleep, so please let me sleep”

He didn’t mention the fact that that would be the first night since days- okay who was he lying to? Since months, since Hannah’s death- that he would maybe get a few hours of sleep. Maybe if he did, Justin would have gone back to the floor and what happened only a few minutes later, would never have happened.

“You are really cute when you seem so tired, Lex, you know”

“Did you..wait, Lex?”

From one second to another, Alex was suddenly wide awake, sitting up, looking a little confused at Justin. No one, not even his mom, has ever called him Lex, but from Justin it sounded like the most normal thing on earth.

Which is was definitely not.

“Well, it fits”

And while saying that, Justin sounded so confident about whatever he was telling, Alex just needed to believe him and then, the next thing he knows were the feeling of Justin’s Lips on his own.

So now, here he was. Trying to forget about the fact that his crushed kissed him the last night, which was stupid.

Well, trying to forget it was not. But that Justin kissed him, was.

So long had he dreamed about that and now that it had happened, all he could think was, that it was probably a bet or something. There was no way Justin Foley, liked him, Alex Standall. 

Not. In.a.million.years

But as we all know, running away from your problems, or your feelings- or both at the same time- wont work in 99% of all cases and Alex definitely wasn’t part of that lucky 1%.

“You were avoiding me all day, why?” the last voice he wanted to hear today asked, from behind.

Alex didn’t look up, his focus still on the river. Would jumping down there be enough to die? If he would hit a rock with his head-definitely?

Maybe he should give it a try? Ignoring Justin and just doing the right thing for once in his life?

“Lex? I know you can hear me”

Of course, he could. The voices inside his head were back, but he could still hear him, he just didn’t want to.

He wanted to end it.

Sounds simple right? But could he do it?

The answer to that was a clear yes. He could. It could become his option than.

But was he able to do it, while Justin was still standing there? 

Probably not.

“Lex?”

And again.

He wants to tell him to be quiet.  Wants to tell him, to leave him alone.

Alone with his dumb feelings, his guilt. Alone with the pain, alone with his thoughts and alone with the tears, which were slowly falling down on the ground under him.

“Could you please tell me what you are doing here, Standall?”

I am going to kill myself, so please go. I don’t want you to see that. It’s not your fault.

But that wasn’t what he said. He wanted to, but instead he said what he was thinking since the kiss last night.

“Go on, tell me. Tell me you don’t love me and how funny that bet was. How funny it was to play with my feelings, when you kissed me. Just fucking tell me”

[you can also find that on my wattpad: -alexvibes-]

[naetia]

WTF IT STILL WONT POST ALL OF THEM

1. i would probably say, “fuck dude we got really drunk last night i’m so sorry.” and run to my bathroom and cry to myself for like hours lmao

2. HAH! well, if we’re gonna be 100% honest the last person i kissed was my best friend and that’s not weird for us. it’s like i’m kissing my mom or a family member. but that was because it was new years that we kissed cause we didn’t have anyone else to kiss. but she’s been pissing me off. so i’ve been ignoring her ever since 😂 ANYWAYS

3. i would care only because i wouldn’t want them to die. it really would depend on the drugs because i smoke weed on the regular and to some that’s a drug.

4. i have two last names because my last name is hyphenated because of my grand father. so yes my first last name is longer than 6 letters but my second last name is not

5. i was pretty drunk lmao

6. yup pretty much every time i’ve tried to be with someone its gotten messed up

7. my last received text says i love you 💗

8. lmao like a few drunken times😂 Arielle tends to get very gay when she’s drunk 😂😂😂

9. me casa

10. my step sister i saw at christmas. haven’t seen my real sisters in years

11. water? coffee?

12. my bed

13. relationships of any kind are always going to have there difficulties. should you have a “hard” relationship with anyone? idk, i don’t like to. i know that.. i want someone whose honest

14. probably not honestly. i just wish i would’ve broken up with my ex sooner

15. god no i love that bitch as long as we have some weed or food

16. rainy if it’s warm

17. yeah

18. kinda like pajama yoga pants

19. hopefully

20. hopefully 😂

21. lmao yup 😂

22. she kinda gay

23. yeah i’d say there’s a few lmao

24. i have 4 tattoos

25. haha yeah i just had surgery and omg was that a cry fest for me and my momma

26. husky

27. out of the shower

28. lmao yeah, my dad was a football player

29. no i’m young but i feel old af

30. yeah i do

31. it’s a pretty chill day my dudes

32. i’ve gotten my nose pierced

33. warm

34. yeah plenty

35. oh god this is a hard fucking question bro.. i don’t wanna be in a relationship right now just because it’s not what i’m needing. but also flings are just boring. they don’t give a fuck about you. and you’re not obligated to give a fuck about them. i just want someone to talk to and relate to.

36. oh god 😂 i guess that depends on who you’re asking but since i’m being asked i’d say i’m pretty complicated but not as complicated as some

37. breezeblocks by alt-j

38. always yes

39. oh god probably Ari? 😂 i don’t know honestly, totally possible

40. initially, she’s a ginger

41. like 20 minutes ago

42. i just had my appendix removed and i’m in a lot of pain and can’t sleep but i’m fucking exhausted

43. pretty well we live together lmao

44. uhm yeah my little brothers dad

45. depends on who asked me

46. i’m in a lot of pain and discomfort, i’m sitting alone and that’s making it easy to not have to be in a good mood

47. Alias

48. purple

49. haha yeah

50. hahahahah yeah, but they’ve like already given up on me.

51. no but she hates me, understandably.

52. aww yes plenty of people. alias, sage, my mother, my father.. the list could go on

53. always yes

54. no i don’t, i drink

55. haha yes PLENTY of times hunny

56. always yes

57. depends on who i’m with

58. most of the time

59. no

60. chapstick or lint

61. yes bitch i lived in a haunted house my whole childhood i’m good

62. done it so yeah

63. no

64. fuck yeah she cute as fuck

65. yeah dude my fucking friends came and visited me in the hospital and brought me little gifts it was SO FUCKING SWEET AND CUTE MY GUY

66. 20, 20, 22

67. depends on the mood but imma cheap bitch so myself

68. oh god neither 😂

69. yeah one from the dealership lmao

70. lil wayne

71. iPhone

72. oooof b it’s been a minute

73. hunny nobody does and anyone that says they do is lyin

74. white like my ass

75. yeah bitch imma be 21 in MARCH !!! 🥳

76. i used to

77. someone’s gotta pay the bills in this bitch 🤧

78. tmtt

79. nope

80. nope

81. fuck facebook

82. uhm no

83. if my dad was still alive it would probably be my dad but my mom

84. yeah i used to be a cheerleader lmao

85. oh god i honestly don’t remember 😂😂

86. smoke that good green herb my boi

87. ooof depends on the outfit but just probably flippy flops

88. yup

89. well it’s curly rn so curly

90. lmao yeah plenty of times

91. river bb river

92. yup

93. yup

94. single as a pringle b

95. sleeping b

96. ooof like fourth of july?

97. yeah it’s bomb af

98. yes i have

[seungcheolsthighsss]

Gurl first of all welcome to Got7, second of all Could you do me a Angst where Jb and his GF have a very steamy fight and like he says mean asf stuff but never meant them so shes broken but happy ending cos he apologize? ♥♥

I gotchuuuu here is the imagine I hope you enjoy and legit got7 just keeps pulling me back lol there is no leaving this fandom

                                                  My baby is back

Member/group: Jaebum from GOT7                                                                     Genre: angst                                                                                                          {i was gonna write a summary but the request is the summary sooo enjoy!}

You and jaebum had both been off lately and to be honest it scared you because you did not know how much more of this you could take. Jb would come home and yell for no reason and at first you thought maybe had been that practice and comeback was stressing him out, but when it became almost a routine for him to comeback and yell at you then storm off into your share room you figured that maybe you should talk to him and see what has made him so tense and on edge lately. As much as you wanted to talk to him you were to scared that he would flip out even worse then he already has, but you knew that this was the only way you would get an answer out of him. You decided to plan a nice dinner and eat with jaebum and talk about what has been going on lately. You started to prepare a nice dinner and set the table up, just after you had finished setting everything down on the table you heard the door slam and you instantly knew that an angry jaebum was home. You could feel your heart racing and the anxiety starting to build. You walked out of the kitchen and into where jaebum was “hi babe um I made dinner if you want to come and eat some” you replied with a soft voice scared that if you talked loud he would start to scream at you again “i’m fine” his replies only made you more scared at what you were going to ask him “are you sure I made some of your favorite dishes because I thought that you deserved to have a home cooked meal” the feeling you had in your stomach should not have been there, you should not be afraid to talk to one you love, but still that stupid anxiety was building up. “can you just leave me the fuck alone, ever God dam time I come home your always nagging me you want me to go here and try this cant you see i’m tired God your so stupid” his words did hurt but at the same time Jaebums words were convincing you that he was right and that you were the one who is always bugging him and asking him to do things when he is tired. you figured you were the source of the problem. That night you decided that you would just talk to him another night. As usual Jaebum went upstairs as you stayed downstairs, you put the food away to tired and upset to eat anything. After everything was put away you took your spot on the couch, the place you have been sleeping to afraid to even go near Jaebum at times like this. As you were laying down you kept thinking about many things, your loss of appetite ever since Jaebum started to lash out on you, the fact you two barely talked, how much you missed his hugs when he came home. What happened to him, what happened to you guys. The next day you somehow found the courage to talk to him. Jaebum came home, slammed the door and before he could walk upstairs you stopped him “what did I do?” you asked hes eyebrows knitted together. “what the fuck are you talking about” he pulled away from you. “why are you acting like this, why are you constantly lashing out at me, what have I done Jaebum?” your voice was small and you could clearly hear the hurt in your words. “do you really want to know” he asked you and by the sound of his voice his next words were not going to be nice. You nodded your head even though you really wanted to say no “your selfish your so so so so selfish, I come home and you instantly hit me with a whole bunch of questions you always want me to eat dinner with you, you always want me to cuddle YOU ALWAYS WANT ME TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND DO YOU EVER TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT IM TIRED AND I DON’T WANT TO OR THAT I WANT TIME ALONE AND I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME I NED TIME TO MYSELF GOD YOUR SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND CLINGY” by now his chest was rising up and down, you tried to hold back tears and quite your sobs, He screamed and it was not even a low scream you could almost call it a roar. Jaebum never ever raised his voice at you so now in this moment you were frozen. “baby I only do it because I care” this just set him off more “IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT ME YOU WOULD RESPECT THE FACT THAT IM THE ONE THAT'S WORKING ALL THE TIME AND IM THE ONE WHO HAS A BUSY SCHEDULE BUT NOOOO YOU ALWAYS GOTTA STRESS ME OUT EVEN MORE”  his words just kept stabbing your heart, to scared to fight back and to scared of what would happen if you did you stayed silent just taking ever thing he said but his next words was your breaking point “IF I KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING YOU WOULD BE THIS FUCKING CLINGY AND ANNOYING I WOULD OF NEVER DATED YOU HELL THERE'S SO MANY GIRLS OUT THERE THAT I COULD DATE AND I CHOSE YOU AND THIS IS HOW I GET REPAID”. You never in a million years would of thought that those words would come out of Jaebum’s mouth. Jaebum was so heated that he couldn’t even see how his words were hitting you. Jaebum had left the house after that slamming the door so hard you thought it would break as soon as he had left you took that as your chance to let everything go. Your sobs were no longer silent but more echoing through out the house, your tears did not come out one by one they came out like a river, your hands pulling your hair out of frustration. You decided that if Jaebum did not want you here to bug and pester him then you wouldn’t be. you packed a small bag and left the house , to where you didn’t know but anywhere would be better then that house. after an hour of walking your phone started to go off rapidly. You figured that Jaebum had finally let everything sink in and he now knew what he had said and put you through. You ignored every call, every text message and every voice mail and just continued walking you soon saw a bar and figured it was the only place where you could rest your feet but also where you could push all the hurt away with a few drinks. you walked in sat down and ordered a drink. you got many looks because of 1. what you were wearing and 2. the fact that your eyes were already bloodshot from crying so much on the way here and our hair being a complete mess. you ordered a drink and just sat there drinking it away as you kept thinking about what Jaebum had said to you, With tears in your eyes you ordered another drink, you knew that you could only assuming a little alcohol because you were still “new” to drinking so your body would not be used to it. just as you were about order what would be your 4th drink you heard a voice “Y/N” you turned around and it was youngjae “what are you doing here” you only looked at him and then started crying again at what happened. Youngjae picked you up and took you to his car “maybe i should take you home im sure Jaebum is worried” when you started to shake your head fast he looked at you worried. you explained to him everything that had happened and youngjae was shocked “ill take you to my house and you can rest there okay” you nodded your head. Youngjae was your best friend and had been there for you through many things in your life so you felt safe with him and felt even more safe now that you were with him. You ended up falling asleep with tear stained cheeks and red swollen eyes And you were woken up by the sound of someones trying to quite their sobs when you open your eyes you saw Jaebum at the end of your bed crying into his hands, he however did not feel you wake up “oh my god shes going to hate me, why was i such a dick to her when all she does and loves me, shes never gonna take me back not after what I have put her through” as much as you wanted to hate him you knew he still loved you and you know you too still loved him. “jaebum” you said your voice hoarse from crying so much. “oh my God baby, before you say anything just know I know I was an ass to you and I don't hate you or all the nagging and I love spending time with you baby I really do and without you I would not be eating or anything and by the looks of it you haven’t been eating either and baby most importantly I do not want any of those other girls out there i only want you and I am so sorry I know you probably wont stay with me but please I love you don’t go” as he was saying all this he held a tight grip around your waist begging you not to go and accept his apologies. The sight of him was similar to you red swollen eyes and messy hair “jaebum” you said again causing him to look up “ I love you and as much as I want to yell at you right now I know that I cant so let’s stop this if you are stressed just talk to me okay don’t let it get to this point again or next time I will be gone” and with that said you saw his eyes light up and a small smile tug at his lips “ I LOVE YOU (Y/N)” you couldn’t help but smile as he started to kiss all over your face. You were beyond happy at this point, you finally had your baby back.  

[mixeddoctor]

The Frozen River, The Wet Tears and a Need for Strength

So today was a hard day. One of the hardest in awhile. My birthday was Monday and he emailed me on the weekend. I hadn’t been able to sleep. In 2 days I had gotten maybe 5 hours. It’s the worst. I’ve always been able to just fall asleep. But now I don’t want to be alone with my thought. I hate to admit that I don’t feel safe with myself alone here. I don’t feel safe in my own mind. Music doesn’t help all the time because it allows too much space for thought. It doesn’t drown anything out. I usually have my Hulu on till i knock out now because I cant think if I’m listening to an episode. The only problem is.... it’s like I’m afraid to sleep. My body finally gets to sleep and I get up and I’m dead tired but my body just goes and I don’t know where the energy comes from. Anyway, I hadn’t slept, I went to school, fell down the stairs on the way, and when I was leaving I got a call from a flower delivery person. I told them I wasn’t home and that I wouldn’t be for a few hours. I thought it was so nice of someone to send me flowers and then I realized that no one ever sends me flowers on my birthday except him (usually they are digital flowers because he never knew where I lived before then) and I asked who they were from and the delivery person said they just deliver so I couldn’t do anything. I got another call from another delivery person from edible arrangements but this time I asked who they were from and they told me it was him (going by my old nickname for him-bastard-that nickname was because he was one of the nicest people... or so I thought). I refused to accept them. I told the man to keep them or give them away because I refuse to accept them. Tat was before class. I felt like crap. The flowers at my door were gorgeous and I hated that I liked them. I hated that he could reach out and affect me in any way. I was angry that I told him not to contact me and he chose to disregard me. He sent it to my house! I kind of laughed it off but I told my 2 friends and my mom. One of my friends suggested I email him just saying to stop contacting me and that its the second time I asked because it needs to be documented in case I need to get a restraining order. I thought it was a good suggestion but decided I wouldn’t respond on my birthday. Couldn’t sleep again though. Had a long day at clinic and on my commute I wrote his email. I sent it to my girls to make sure it was appropriate. I got home and finally was able to sleep after not having slept for what seemed like forever. But I think I only slept 5 hours. I normally would have just slept through the night. And then I sent the email after an adjustment. And looked at my inbox and saw that his mother sent me birthday wishes. The woman is so sweet and in that moment I hated him for not telling her. He told me in one of his 6 or 7 unwanted emails that he had not had the heart to tell her what had happened and when she asked how I was doing he pretended not to hear her and went and cried. I was angry. Every correspondence he sent me either addressed me by an old nickname or like we were still on friendly terms. And then 1/2 of them, maybe more, described what HE was going through. How devastated HE was. His random bouts of crying. Missing me every day. I hated it! Why does he make it sound like HE’S the victim? He’s the victim of the consequences of his own fucking decision to take what I wouldn’t give him sober. An opportunity of a fucking lifetime I guess. And now hes hurt because I refuse to be in his life or have him in mine? Fuck you. FUCK YOU!!! SUCH A SELFISH ASSHOLE! He always prioritized what he wanted over what I wanted, needed, or what was in my best interest. And the worst thing is, if I’m honest, sometimes I’d feel bad for him, for what HE was going through but then I’d just get angry at myself and somehow the anger just allowed me to continue on. But back to his mom. I had met her in person and had helped her out via email and had spoken to her a few times on video chat while he was home or when she visited him. I felt like we had a cute little rapport. And she really is the sweetest woman. So as much as the email was so sweet, I decided in that moment she deserved to know why I wouldn’t be emailing or around after this correspondence. I felt it would be rude not to respond to her despite what her son did to me. So I responded. And then I had the balls he didn’t and told her, not graphically or angrily, but told her that after that email I wont be corresponding with anyone with any ties to him because after what he did it just is not good for my own emotional health and I apologized that the small relationship she and I developed had to suffer from his actions. I also def mentioned that I knows he taught him to be a man of integrity and good moral standing but he disregarded her teachings the night that he did what he did to me. I kind of felt apprehensive about sending it and then was just like screw it. I’m responding. I refuse to make myself look bad and I want to control what information she gets and make sure that he doesn’t claim “a night of drunken sex” or that I just stopped talking to him. I wanted to control what was said. Who was told. And that the truth was told. Maybe that’s a little of me trying to get my power back. A little of the control. Anyway... I sent them both after 1 am so I thought he’d be asleep especially because it’s the beginning of the semester so he has no reason to really be up late so he usually is in bed around midnight. His mom from what I know usually doesn’t sleep late. But know in retrospect, she may have been up and then woken his ass up because I got an email back at almost 3 am. 2:48am to be exact. And I read it. And he said that he never intended to be disrespectful with his correspondence... that he wanted to show that he still cared, that his existence in my life was not all about Sept 30th. That he wanted to be remembered as a man who loved and cared about me despite the fact that he raped me. I was impressed that he said the words. That he owned up to it. He also said he was beyond remorseful because remorse alone does not inspire change. He said that he was so used to sharing his emotions and personal things with me that he just wrote them. He said he wanted to help make my birthday special. And then he got angry because of something he interpreted as sarcastic. And he described how he has such a hard time because he cant just wipe me from his life easily and then implied that I’ve been able to wipe him away from my life and he said maybe I wish that he never existed and that maybe one day ill be able to purge him from my memory but he hopes not and that he hopes that I remember him as a friend who always wanted the best for me. That email fucked me over. I went to sleep trying to drown out my thoughts. Woke up and it was the first time that all I wanted to do was sleep (which happens to be early signs of depression for me) but I had grandrounds. And got out so I could get there on time. But I cried on my commute. Pretty much the whole way. On the bus. On the first train. On the second train. And when I got to the clinic, I went straight to the bathroom so I could just let it out and I must have cried for like 7 min. I had to hurry up and clean up because 1-I’m an ugly crier but 2-my eyes and nose get hella red and I didn’t want anyone to know. But I cried hard. I cried so hard. Because he makes me feel guilty. Like I am hurting him. Like I ruined a good person. And if I’m honest I was so confused at what I wanted to believe. If I believed him, could I still be angry? Was I petty to send that to his mother? Why can he even make me feel guilty? Why is HE the victim in this? Am I that terrible of a person? And then I remembered that I did love him- like he was my best friend. He was with me through med which has been so rough (but if I’m honest part of that has been rough because of him) and we had a very close relationship. Way too close but the attachment was real. And for him to do that to me. For him to take that from me. Because “[He] wanted [me] so bad”. Because he could. Because it was what he wanted. What he fantasized. Why do men who say they love me hurt me. My bio dad, many many of the previous people in my life. And why do I ruin and let down and destroy the good things (not even talking bout him but apart of me feels like he would never have done that had it not been me). Was it really me? Was it really my fault? I know he was wrong but did I push him that far? Why would he do it to me? God I feel dirty. and like a terrible person. I hate him! i Hate him! I hate him! I hate me too. I had so many plans today but I just wanted to lay in bed. I cooked so I kinda felt good but I just wanted to lay down and go to bed but I’M NOT SLEEPY~!!!! God this is not how I wanted to start off 27. I always thought something good would happen to me at 27. But if this is any indication, I’ll just be crying and shutting down. I couldn’t even get through this without breaking down multiple times. I really wanna disappear. I looked at the Potomac on the commute and other bodies of water that were frozen... and thought how that is such a good metaphor to how I feel. Cool and solid on the surface, but below still flowing current of emotions and that every email, every card, the flowers, and even my lack of sleep is like someone throwing a rock to crack the frozen surface. Some places are cracked all the way through until the next day when they freeze right back over. If I could just get through this year... I cant have this this year. Boards are coming up. I haven’t been able to bring myself to study. I just want to sleep and lay in bed and stare at my wall and cry and be buried in the bed. I got such a huge jump on work before class started and I was supposed to be done by yesterday and now its the end of today and I am not closer to where I need to be at all. There’s just more and more things that are piling up and I hate that this is happening. I hate that he is affecting me. I hate that I cant be stronger. Why cant I be stronger. Dear God, it doesn’t have to go away, but can I just please be a little stronger? Any strength sent my way would be greatly appreciated. Please.