#also kicking myself for feeling iffy about it at first and as soon as i decided i wanted to move forward and talk to him the opportunity
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someone asked if I live with my parents, in regards to how I have such a large altar, and how they might feel ab it. I was working on a long post ab it but then it vanished into the stratosphere so idk what that was ab or where it went.
But to answer the question, making an incredibly long story short, I do not live with my parents, I live with my partner and a couple roommates.
Tea time :) āļø Hot piping tea time besties!!! š¤©
My mom used to be somewhat accepting of my transition and identity. She helped me in the medical care system and even got me testosterone (although she always seemed a bit iffy). However after she met her current partner that all fell apart. He is extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY Christian and extremely controlling. This man burned my bfs hoodie because it had a sigil on it. He red faced SCREAMED (and I mean SCREAMED) in my face that I was going to hell for being trans, that I was disgusting and that he didnāt want me anywhere near his kids. After which, my āØmother⨠blamed me for pushing his buttons too much (by being trans) and told me she would no longer support my transition. She told me that she would rather burry me in the ground in the event that I lost my life to suicide than deal with having a trans kid. I will never forget that.
That was during the first lockdown at the height of the pandemic, so I was trapped in that house and it was torture. When I say that man is extremely Christian and conservative, I mean it. He forced me and his kids to watch religious videos every Saturday, which were basically just dudes screaming at you that youāll go to hell if you sin over stock footage of clouds. He would try to guilt trip me for not wanting to participate. (Not to mention he contributed very heavily to my eating disorder by trying to force us all to be vegan and taking away all of my safe foods, despite cooking steaks for himself every night. If I could use one word to describe that man it would be āHypocriteā. I was constantly anxious and starving, holy shit I could write an entire book about how terrible living in that house with that man was and how betrayed I felt by my mom for putting me through that)
The last straw for my mom was when I expressed to my gender therapists that I really want and need top surgery. She acted like I was springing it on her out of nowhere despite us having conversations about it since I was 14. She told me that I would not be recovering from that surgery under her roof and that it would upset her partner too much. Soon she started making little comments about how disgusted she was in the changes testosterone was giving me, how my voice was getting deeper and how I was gaining muscle, and I became terrified that she would try to force me to detransition.
For me, the final straw was after me and my mom had an argument about money (she took it from my bank account without asking and got mad when I asked for it back) as punishment she decided that I would start having to pay rent for my room in the house. I told her that I would not be paying to live somewhere where I cannot feel safe being myself or bringing my partner around. She told me to either get over it or pay up.
As soon as I turned 18 I started looking into programs in my school that help young queer people who are facing potential homelessness find housing. My mother never explicitly kicked me out (sheāll still say that to this day) but she made it impossible for me to stay. I do believe that her partner was actively trying to systematically get me and my older brother out of the house so he could further isolate my mom. He was the one that told my mom that I was manipulating her into āletting me be transā by pretending to be suicidal. Yeah. Seriously. And to be honest, itās fucked up and sad but I also see my mom as a victim due to some other things I wonāt mention here (when I say controlling I mean CONTROLLING) But the abuse she went through does not justify her role as my abuser. As much empathy and understanding I have as to why she acted the way she did, I still donāt accept that behaviour. Constantly hearing about how youāre an abomination and how God will surely destroy you starts to take a toll after a while, especially when youāre not allowed to leave the house.
Through my efforts I landed a job but I still didnāt have enough money for even the smallest bachelor pads.
One night after having an extreme meltdown I just⦠ran away. I went to my bfs house because I didnāt know where else to go, but I was fully prepared to walk to a homeless shelter. I am so incredibly lucky that he and his mother are amazing and understanding people because they embraced me with open arms. They gave me a place to stay and never pressed me about money. I have never gone back to my motherās house since. If it wasnāt for them I would not be alive right now. They genuinely saved my life and I am forever grateful to them for that.
After my bf and I finally got our own place after living with his parents for nearly 2 years , my mom decided that time passed is equivalent to an apology, and wanted to rekindle our relationship. However, after she tried to visit my place and was met by my roommates who are also all trans, things didnāt go her way. She kept asking for my dead name and misgendering me. My roommates stood up for me and told her that she should stop misgendering me and have some respect, that they didnāt know anyone by that name, and that itās not cool for her to still be calling me that.
My mom gave me a very angry phone call, telling me that my friends are disrespectful and that they should know that sheās the only person allowed to disrespect me because she gave birth to me. Unfortunately for her that is not the case.
My response to that was this:






and her response was this:

So it was what it was. She tried to withhold my phone plan from me as punishment because it was the only thing left that I relied on her for anymore. I said fuck it, got a new phone plan and continued on with my life.
Iāve tried to have conversations with her to reach an understanding hundreds of times in the past, countless letters and one sided conversations, she was never interested. It is what it is. We havenāt really spoken since then and Iām content with that. Believe me, I have said all I could possibly say.
In terms of my paganism, my whole family subscribed to a certain genre of black conservative Christianity that sees all indigenous forms of spirituality as evil. I donāt know how much they know about my craft but I know they hate it, and thatās fine. My mom hates my dark art and wanted me to use my āØtalents⨠to make Christian art. The only person in my family who even somewhat understands me is my older brother and we have a good relationship. I am no longer concerned with trying to please people who donāt see me as a person. Those who are real will stick around, and those who wonāt, wont.
I know that they probably think Iām lost and broken and using demons to fill the void, and they can think that. One thing I want to make incredibly clear is that I do not harbour resentment towards the Christian God, Christianity or Jesus Christ for the terrible actions of his followers. I came to peace with and forgave him long ago. I love him. My being a Luciferian is not revenge against my mom or God. That God has always been there for me and supported me for who I am through all of this, and he still does.
Since I was a child Iāve always been told that I donāt know who I am, that I canāt think or speak for myself, and since I was a child I have always remained 10 toes down on who I am. They wonāt believe that Iām really trans until the day I die, they wonāt believe that I lived a beautiful and fulfilling life as a devotee of Lucifer because they cannot fathom that I know and love myself. Oh well, they say success is the best revenge.
I love my family and I always will, but for their comfort and my safety I keep my distance from them. Iām pretty damn sure they wouldnāt want to be anywhere near me anyways with all their paranoia about the devil.
Funnily enough Lucifer has been excellent bigot repellent for me. Heās always protecting me from people who would hate me anyways. If my paganism is such an abomination that it prevents my past abusers from hurting me more, then thatās a bonus in my eyes. Stay the fuck away from me if it bothers you so much, we donāt have enough in common to have a productive conversation anyways. If ever my mother came to me honestly and sought true redemption, I would certainly forgive her, I donāt enjoy being estranged. But that would take effort and care on her part, and that simply does not seem to be her biggest priority right now, it never was and I never was. It izz what it izz š¤·āāļø
So yeah, tldr, I definitely donāt live with my parents lol.
#luciferian witch#luciferism#luciferian#lucifer#lucifer devotee#theistic luciferianism#lucifer deity#lord lucifer#paganism#pagan#magick#occultism#demonology#demonolatry#deity worship#witchcraft#trans pride#transgender#lgbtq
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i don't know how i'm supposed to simply do a tng update when there was SPOCK but obviously last night (tonight as i type this, but it's late, so this post is going up while i'm at work) we watched unification part i & part ii
tng update:
šSPOCKš
okay, i'm normal again
part i: BITTERLY disappointed that all we got out of this episode spockwise was one blurry photo and him coming in right at the end. i had a feeling they'd do that. i guess now i have to talk about the nonimportant nonspock parts of this episode š„±
ive decided i hate sarek's new wife. what business is it of hers if spock objects to sarek in public? if sarek didn't have a problem with it why make one? evil stepmother fr. why did sarek marry another human anyway does he have a fucking fetish or something...at least she was too old to get knocked up. i was reading about ages on the wiki today and amanda was only TWENTY YEARS OLD when she had spock. sarek would have been 65. i know vulcans age way different so it's not as creepy but STILL. girl, wait until you are old enough to drink
speaking of sarek...i went back and forth feeling terrible for him and wanting to attack him with my bare hands. under one hand he is on his deathbed and obviously very ill and miserable and suffering deep regrets over past mistakes and it's hard not to have sympathy...on the other, maybe if you wanted less deathbed regrets about your relationship with spock YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED HIM BETTER! bitch.
also, whatever he and picard had going on was homoerotic. "we're part of each other" why do they talk about the mind meld that way in tng and not in tos. why did picard feel up sarek's hand on his deathbed the second his wife looked away. hes got a history of homewrecking since he (i know) had his affair baby wesley with beverly. so Whats Going On
picard forcefully obtaining the klingon ship. i LOVE when he gets to be a bitch
ROMULAN RACEFAKING??? a proud star trek tradition at this point i guess but it was truly awful to behold. DEEPLY disappointed sela did not later lick the paint off his ears as the klingons implied she would. smh
i like also how riker blew up that whole ship and nobody batted an eyelash. he really can just do whatever
part ii: SPOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the first time i cried was when spock himself came onscreen at the end of part i. then just as soon as i collected myself he mentioned jim kirk twice in the space of 30 seconds and i lost it again. we are literally bridging the gap between tos spock and spock prime from aos rn and i Dont like it.
Very Sad his dad kicked it before they could reconcile. but i saw his microexpressions when picard delivered the news. i missed them more than you can possibly imagine
i did love though that he started viewing picard as like a proxy sarek. imagine having daddy issues with a guy who is 75 years younger than you. lowkey they also had a little homoeroticism happening. "cowboy diplomacy" sure whatever
riker and the four-armed pianist 10/10 i hope they fucked. i'm so glad we wont he riker roulette and it wasn't creepy. also only riker could successfully flirt with a women after killing her husband in a spaceship battle <3
i'm a little iffy on spock's uhhh whole deal in this episode. he's lik yeah i chose the vulcan way of life these romulans are gonna have way better lives after their vulcan enlightenment but meanwhile he's criticizing sarek for his obsession with logic to the exclusion of all emotion (which is what he decided in tmp, that you need both) and also the vulcan way of life has done huge damage to his relationship with his father as well. so which is it?? idk, maybe he's not doing well because of sarek dying and all but he seemed like he was in a very "im not willing to acknowledge that i have emotions because rn theyre causing me pain" sort of mood. buddy :(
then again, it IS a tng script. we can only expect so much. it wasn't so inconsistent that it took me out of the episode but it did bother me a little because i just don't understand why he's willing to devote the rest of his life to this cause...he seemed to imply he had emotional reasons but what were they?? we will quite literally never know.
what's wack to me also is that in nineteen years romulus is gonna be GONE. like it's just going to be gone. eaten up by the sun or whatever. if someone had a baby right now on romulus that baby would not be old enough to drink before the sun swallowed them. so everything spock is doing is for nothing.
sela in this episode was really funny. "i hate vulcans." so true queen. i mean i don't care about her at all but that was hilarious
data doing the vulcan nerve pinch!!!!!!! that was so fun. i don't think it requires telepathy to do, just super strength, but i guess if you do then that makes no sense. it made me happy though.
the end when spock melded with picard to quasi-meld with his father and almost wept was me crying for the third time...i couldn't stand seeing him cry!!!!!! i can't believe sarek really just died without ever reconciling with him but i kind of like it better this way bc what sarek did was his own fault not spock's. so spock got closure and sarek. didn't. rip dude
okay. this concludes. the SPOCK UPDATE. tonight: a matter of time. and TOMORROW........the undiscovered country. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#personal#star trek blogging#tng lb#i really wanted gifs from this episode but i only found one gifset and it wasn't the moment i wanted. any of the moments i wanted.#i would like to try and make some myself but i hate making them and i'm bad at it and also i'm running cs4#we'll see i guess :(
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YYH Recaps: Episode 1, Surprised to be Dead

Hello, all you hypothetical readers! It's a beautiful spring day and I have a free afternoon ahead of me, so what better time to start another massive project while I guilty stuff my other WIPs deep into the depths of my hard drive? Yeah. Iffy life choices aside, someone mentioned a few weeks back that they'd love for me to recap a show I have more positive things to say about than negative (RIP RWBY) and ever since Netflix announced that their live-action adaptation of Yu Yu Hakusho is in the works, I've been itching for a re-watch of the anime. With the RWBY hiatus underway, it seemed like the perfect time to fulfill both desires.
Before we begin though, I'd like to touch on a few things that are going to influence this project.
First, YYH is near and dear to my heart. Written by Yoshihiro Togashi in the early 1990s and later adapted for an American audience by Funimation, I had the pleasure of experiencing this story five different ways: as a serialized tale in Shonen Jump, a binge read when I had the money to buy the manga, tiny snippets of the anime on Adult Swim late at night ā don't tell my parents ;) ā as an after-school treat on Toonami, and then years later as a re-watch when I introduced it to a friend (who, in turn, blessed me by having us watch Fullmetal Alchemist next). I used to keep a Hiei bookmark in everything I was reading, the spirit gun made it into our witch-wolf-space adventures on the playground (middle school was wild), and there was a long period of my life where I tried very hard to teach myself to stand with my hands behind my back, precisely as Genkai does. Spoiler alert: I failed. So to say I love the series is... a little bit of an understatement. I bring this up simply as a way of demonstrating that there's more than a bit of nostalgia attached to YYH for me and that will inevitably cloud my reading of it. How can it not? So that's just something to keep in mind as I work through a series that, like any having hit its 30th birthday, has its outdated, flawed, and other questionable aspects.
Second, but very much connected to the first point, is that these are pretty casual recaps. I summarize and extrapolate, focusing primarily on plot and dialogue (but with the occasional cinematography aspect tossed in). I'm not conducting research on the cultural history here ā something that will come up at least once in this episode ā I'm not arguing an overarching thesis, and I've never been someone who focuses on the author/production/trivia of a series. I'm here for the story as the story is presented to the viewer. If you've read my RWBY Recaps, this will function precisely the same way, with the only difference being I'm engaging with a finished text as opposed to an ongoing one, so thereās a lot less,Ā āMaybe ___ will happenā theorizing going on.Ā
Third, I obviously recommend that you watch the show yourself (you can find it on YouTube!), but you don't have to know the series to follow along. As these massive paragraphs attest, I tend to be both detailed and verbose, so we'll be covering every major plot point ā and most of the smaller ones too.
Finally, I'm working from the dub. I know, I know, the horror. But it's what I grew up on and, honestly, I think it's superior to the sub. YYH's dubbing is in a class all its own and to this day there are very few shows that compare to it. Trust me, it's a good call.
That's enough of the boring chit-chat though. Let's get started!
Our very first episode "Surprised to be Dead" opens on a crowded street. We see lots of traffic, people going about their business, and a pedestrian crossing sign that, crucially, turns red. This is our normality and, like in every genre story, you need to break that normality at some point so that the protagonists can go on their fantastical/supernatural/science fiction journey. YYH eases us into things by first breaking the normality of an everyday afternoon: there's a screech of tires, quick shots of a man pushing a child out of the way of an oncoming car, and then his back is hitting the windshield. We begin this story with a horrible ā but otherwise mundane ā car crash.
Now, these flashes alone have a fair bit to unpack. Despite later getting a brief shot of the man's scared face right before he's hit, the moment's focus is really on the child. He's the one foregrounded in the initial, slow-mo shot. He's the one who appears in color while the man is kept in shadow. This isn't just a hit, it's a rescue. The camera is also careful to follow the soccer ball this kid was playing with (more on that later in the episode), with it flying through the air as the man is hit and bouncing to a stop in the street, acting as the dramatic finish. It's childhood! It's innocence! It's play on a sunny afternoon! And it's all gone wrong.
This moment is chaotic and even a bit confusing. Not in the sense of what's happening ā that is quite obviously a guy being hit by a car ā but who the victims are, how precisely this came about, or even why we're meant to care about this beyond a generic capacity to feel for other human (fictional) beings... that's all removed. And it works. As the crash takes place, the camera pans across the stunned crowd and we, the viewer, become a part of that crowd. They don't know what precisely is going on either. We're all just horrified onlookers as a sudden tragedy takes place. We're all watching the same show.
So everyone realizes this guy has been hit. People are staring in shock and someone calls for an ambulance. We see the driver fall to his knees in the street, distraught, shakily saying, "I didn't mean to..." It's a very serious and emotional scene that ā
ā is immediately tempered by this guy waking up, complete with a cute 'pop!' sound effect when he opens his eyes.
This is YYH's brand, this Very Serious Circumstances skillfully interwoven with casual indifference/comedy. It's admittedly far from a unique brand, but it's an excellent choice given that this is the same attitude that will drive 99% of our protagonist's interaction with the world.
Speaking of said protagonist, our guy wakes up, opens his eyes, and realizes that he's floating. There's a great, disorientating shot from his perspective where everything is upside down, causing him to nearly fall out of the air. Well would you look at that, he's as confused as we are. It's our audience surrogate!
A narrator says, "And so it all begins. This boy's name is Yusuke, he's fourteen years old, and he's supposed to be the hero of this story. But oddly enough, he's dead."
Game of Thrones might have made it popular, but YYH did it better.

(Yeah, yeah, I know one death kick-starts the journey and the other is a shocking twist. Just let me have this.)
Now, it's a weird introduction, right? At least at the end. The announcement that change has occurred, a name, an age... that all checks out. But "supposed to be the hero"? What the hell is that āsupposed toā mean? Our narrator gives us the easy, surface answer: "But oddly enough, he's dead." We're capitalizing here on the audience's expectation that death ends a character's journey and though they may have been a hero previously, they can no longer be one moving forward. That function within the story has passed. So it's this intriguing question of, "What kind of hero do you have when that hero is dead from the start?" but as we'll see soon, there's an additional meaning here of, "How can Yusuke be the hero?" As this premiere sets up, Yusuke doesn't act like the hero isĀ āsupposed toā act.Ā
Until he saved this kid.
But right now he's just confused: "Okay, this is weird. Stupid weird."
Two EMTs arrive on the scene and are hilariously useless. You know how in any medical drama a doctor will stop CPR after a couple of seconds because obviously you're not going to spend half the episode on realism? Well, that's this only a thousand times worse. One guy just looks at the kid and announces he's fine except for some bumps and bruises. Meanwhile, the kid is sobbing.
"Well, at least one of them is," replies the other EMT, because I guess he can tell Yusuke is beyond hope without taking a pulse or anything? "I hate cleanup," he complains as they load his body onto a stretcher because that's? An empathetic response to have??
Honestly this scene is wild.
Yusuke is understandably upset that he's, you know, dead and all. He starts hounding the EMTs who, unable to hear him, just go about their business of taking the kid and his body to the hospital. "You think you can just do whatever you want because you have that stupid uniform on? You can't just write me off. Listen to me!" and Yusuke tries to punch one of the EMTs in the head, resulting in him floating right through.
What a great way to introduce your protagonist's personality. We see here that when things go wrong Yusuke's default emotion is anger and it starts creeping in even before he thinks the others are ignoring him: "Stupid weird." He has problems with authority ā "You think you can just do whatever you want because you have that stupid uniform on?" ā is used to others listening when he gets angry ā "You can't just write me off!" ā and is poised to use violence at the slightest provocation. Yusuke is a guy who, right now at least, is ready to punch first and ask questions later.
As Yusuke floats back up into the air and the ambulance drives away, he finally cools down enough to try and think his way out of this. "It's not like this is the first time you've been in a jam,ā he thinks. Yusuke recalls that yeah, something was different about today...
...he actually went to school.
Catch me laughing that this idiot boy equates the weirdness of him dying with going to school. Good lord.Ā
Anyway, this jumpstarts our flashback. We open on a generic, anime middle school (that always feels like a high school to me) where the principal is calling for Yusuke through the loud speaker. Oooo someoneās in trouble! We follow a young girl up to the rooftop and she gets a classic hair-blowing-in-the-wind moment toĀ establish that she's our love interest. Meet Keiko Yukimura.
Keiko finds Yusuke hanging out and immediately starts lecturing him for trying to chew gum and refusing to wear the boys' uniform. "Oh, give me a break, Keiko. I look better in green." Note that it's here we learn her name and it's an easy, casual way to introduce it. I bring this up because Yusuke's introduction via our narrator is very much... not that. It's an on your nose statement about his name, age, and importance to the story, and if you're just starting the show in 2021, it might come across as a rather armature move. Like something out of a kid's show, perhaps. Yet here we see that this was a deliberate choice, considering that YYH is capable of introducing character information naturally when it wants to.
This moment also tells us that Yusuke cares a great deal about his image. More on that in a bit. Because Keiko isn't finished her list of grievances yet, going on to say that his attendance record has hurt their entire class, hurt her as class representative, and if he keeps going down this path he won't even graduate middle school. "Sometimes I think you don't care about anyone but yourself and then you don't even do that right!"
They're legit complaints. Too bad Yusuke is busy looking up Keiko's skirt.
Yeeeeah. Sadly, this is common for anime, particularly a 90s anime like YYH. Even presumably more progressive series like My Hero Academia feature characters like Mineta, whose entire personality is being a pervert, and the creation of abilities that "require" kids/young women to be scantily clad. See: Yaoyorozu. YYH is no different in this regard, with various forms of sexual harassment functioning as a shorthand for how much Yusuke secretly likes Keiko. "Boys will be boys," right? Obviously not.Ā
Like so many others series, the creators get away with it because theyāre framing it as a bad thing. It's totally fine because look, Keiko slaps him! This isĀ teaching the viewer how wrong this behavior is. Never mind that this is clearly an established habit between them, that Yusuke laughs off Keiko's discomfort, and that the whole scene is meant to be funny for the viewer. That's the real purpose here; itās not a PSA on harassment.Ā
That, and to establish the long-suffering love Keiko has for Yusuke in turn, largely stemming from a life-long friendship. "Dumb boy! He hasn't grown up a bit since he was four years old." We see that Keiko's early interactions with Yusuke have given her insight that others lack. As she heads down from the roof she runs into two girls hiding around the corner, too scared to come out lest "the great Urameshi" set his sights on them. Isn't Keiko terrified of what he might do to her? "Or worse, what others might say of it?" Like any classic high school middle school setting, one's reputation is king. Yusuke cares about how others see him ā maintaining that tough boy attitude ā and the girls care more about what the rest of the school might think of Keiko's interactions with him than the presumed harm Yusuke could do to her. They heard he can summon 2,000 men with just a whistle and that he "kills for fun!" But that means nothing in the face of people talking about you. Despite being one of the most popular girls in school, Keiko is the outsider here via her disinterest in what other people think.
The animation changes here, giving us a good look at how the girls picture Yusuke: tough, scowling, surrounded by shadows, and backed by an entire army.
In contrast, we've already seen what Yusuke is really like.
Keiko laughs the image off too. Yusuke is more like a "lamb" than a killer and besides, he couldn't order around two people, let alone two hundred. "He doesn't have many friends."
"That's not what I heard," says one of the girls.Ā
"Yeah," goes the other. "I think we would know."Ā
Again, rumors rule here, with whispers in the hall considered more reliable than someone who interacts with Yusuke on a daily basis. Keiko doesnāt have a hope of changing their minds.Ā
Oh, as a side note, I love that they gave Keiko Miyazaki-esque hair. It's very emotive.
Yusuke escapes outside where the principal is still calling for him to report to his office. He overhears a conversation around the corner and we cut to two boys, one of which is showing a wallet off to the other. He explains that some bully tried to rough him up, but he said he was Urameshi's cousin and the bully took off, dropping his wallet in the process. The guy's friend is impressed, but what is he going to do if Yusuke ever finds out he lied? Not to worry, he says, that "blockhead" would probably think it's true even if he did somehow hear.
Yusuke, obviously, does hear about this and he, also obviously, does not believe this guy is his cousin. He looms ominously and they scurry up against a wall, terrified and offering him the wallet as an apology.
"You think I want your money?" Yusuke yells.
YYH is, in many respects, a rather simple story, but I appreciate the hints of complexity in these otherwise straightforward interactions. It's not that this guy used Yusuke's name to steal a wallet, he used it as a form of protection against another bully ā a far more sympathetic motivation. It's not that Yusuke's fearsome reputation has resulted in any genuine respect because once people think they're safe they reveal how little they think of his intelligence ā he's a "blockhead." And Yusuke, though intimidating and violent, is not your average, schoolyard bully. He doesn't care about money, only the insult and the damage this guy using his name might have done to his reputation. There's a little more nuance here than you might otherwise expect.
Also, note how dark the boys' standard uniforms are and how much they blend into the rest of the world. Yusuke, as our protagonist, stands out in his bright clothing. He was right, he does look better in green!
So he's ready to clobber this kid when one of the teachers arrive: Mr. Iwamoto.
Iwamoto demands to know what's going on, but the boys are too terrified to rat Yusuke out. Noticing the wallet on the ground, he assumes that Yusuke was after their money, something that greatly offends him: "Whatever!" Iwamoto goes on to say that, "No good weeds like you should have been plucked a long time ago," making it clear that he considers Yusuke a hopeless case. The positive aspects that Keiko sees, as well as the complexity the viewer sees ā to say nothing of his introduction of saving a kid ā arenāt considered here.
Notably, Iwamoto exists in part to show us what Yusuke could become. Not a teacher (he's obviously not attending school enough for that!), but a cynical man who is cruel for cruelty's sake. Yusuke is already barreling down that path, ignoring Keiko's advice, terrorizing other students, trying to punch EMTs, etc. If his life (or afterlife...) hadn't changed through that accident, this is the kind of person Yusuke might have grown up to be, and we can see that clearly in the visual parallels between them. Dark haired men dressed in green who scowl with ease and toss out cutting insults. Yusuke is staring his future in the face.
For now he walks off with a final shot, "You shouldn't talk. It makes you sound stupid." This time Yusuke makes it to the school's entrance and tries to enjoy his second attempt at chewing gum, but someone hits him in the back of the head.
"Okay, somebody's DEAD ā ah. Sorry, old man."
"That's Mr. Takenaka to you."
Our principal has finally left the office and hunted down Yusuke for himself! Putting this interaction immediately after the one with Iwamoto allows the viewer to compare them. Yusuke might be irreverent towards his principal, but it's clear there's still some kind of respect between them. Yusuke only starts threatening because he doesnāt realize who hit him and once he does realize it's Takenaka, he immediately apologizes. That "old man" comes across as a teasing insult and Yusuke allows himself to be briefly dragged back towards school, rather than throwing a now classic punch. In turn, Takenaka cares enough about Yusuke to try and keep him on the straight and narrow. He utilizes Yusuke's preferred language ā violence ā but in a casual way, nonthreatening way: slight hit to the back of his head, noogie, pulling him along by the ear.Ā
It's the sort of physicality we're used to seeing in media between a parent and child who are outwardly antagonistic, but actually share a deep bond. Takenaka is also careful to frame their return to his office as a "discussion," not a punishment, and offers Yusuke tea along with the conversation. Whereas Iwamoto considers Yusuke to be a "weed" that should have been plucked from their school long ago, Takenaka is determined to help Yusuke bloom.
If we're continuing the flower metaphor :D
Yusuke isn't in the mood to play along though. He gets away by using a fake ear, startling Takenaka when it unexpectedly pulls free. Yusuke escapes the school grounds and Takenaka, suffering a back twinge from his fall, can't chase after him. Poor guy. I understand that pain lol.
Yusuke heads home where we're introduced to his mother, Atsuko. Most notable in her first shot is the soft lighting that highlights her looks. We're not told how old she is here, but I believe she's around 28 ā and she looks it, if not younger. Given that Yusuke is 14, that means Atsuko was a mom at his age. This is a quick and subtle way to tell us about Yusuke's home life. There are more overt details in this scene ā it's at least lunchtime and Atsuko hasn't left her bed yet, she demands that Yusuke make her coffee instead of greeting him, it's all meant to imply (before we actually see) that she's an alcoholic ā but her age is another way to highlight the broken household here. There's no partner in sight and she clearly had Yusuke as a teenager. He hasn't had a strong parental figure to take care of him. If anything, Yusuke is taking care of Atsuko here.
"Oh great, mother of the year!" basically sums things up.
Atsuko wants to know why Yusuke isn't in school and he says that everyone is pissing him off today, particularly with their preaching. "Dear, if you hate preaching so much you should live on your own... but you can't do that, can you?" Alongside a rough upbringing, Yusuke is suffering from the common problem of being trapped in a dead-end life. He hates his school, his town, and coming home to find his mom hungover. Yusuke has no prospects and, outside of one principal, no one who is actively working to help him find some. Even the little things he hates, like being preached to, are unavoidable because if you want to live on your own, that requires money. Good luck pulling that off as a middle schooler whose only skill is street fighting!
Yusuke walks off in a huff, literally shouting in a street about what a bad day he's having (and hilariously scaring off pedestrians in the process). His shout brings trouble though. A couple guys appear to ambush him, their boss close behind. The music increases the tension, Yusuke's expression is serious, and we even get a Dutch angle thrown into the mix.Ā
For any who don't know, the Dutch angle is a popular film technique to establish that something is wrong. There's tension in the scene, something uneasy is at play, and the world is now literally off center. It's perhaps most famously used in Do The Right Thing to establish the friction between an Italian-American pizzeria and the predominantly African American neighborhood it's based in.

But it's also used a great deal in horror as a way to say: yup, shit just got real. Scary real.


This Dutch angle introduces a character you may not appreciate at first, but absolutely should: Kazuma Kuwabara.
He's initially the comic relief and that's clear in his introduction. Within seconds we move from that intimidating arrival to, well, seeing him. To be clear, I've got nothing against redheads with big chins, but compared to Yusuke's design, Kuwabara is meant to be the funny looking one. His threat level plummets the moment we get a look at his face, especially in a series that will occasionally use looks as a (supposed) measure of intelligence.Ā
Also, Kuwabara is dressed in light blue so, like Yusuke, we know he's important!
Any assumptions that his appearance isnāt meant to imply a goofy, embarrassing personality are put to rest when Kuwabara starts rambling about how they last time they fought Yusuke just got a cheap shot in and he'll definitely win this time. Yeah, he won't. Yusuke is thrilled by this diversion though and we get a shot of him looking almost as creepy as Keiko's friends think he is. Whatever else might be said about Yusuke, he is absolutely a monster in a fight.
Which we see here. If anyone picked up the series without knowing this was a fighting anime, they'll realize it now. Yusuke's choreography is stylized to show off his skill: he disappears with a 'whoosh' and dark lines to suggest inhuman speed,
attacking Kuwabara with a knee to the face, utilizes flying kicks, lands perfect, precision punches, and ends it all with the toe-tip landing we've come to expect of all powerful fighters. Kuwabara never even got a hit in.Ā
Happy as a clam now, Yusuke wanders off whistling and Kuwabara's friends are left to pick up the pieces. AKA, his likely broken bones. I love that they're legit friends though and not just nameless goons for the sake of giving Kuwabara a small gang (though their names won't come up until later). "That makes 0 wins an 156 loses!" one of them cries, trying to get Kuwabara to stop ending up in the hospital, probably. We establish that Kuwabara is The Most Dramatic Ever when he pulls his broken body into a seated position, shouting, "No! I almost had him that time!"
Then he passes out.
Kuwabara, honey, you obviously did not almost have him, but god bless you for the outlook. The most optimistic thing on this Earth is a well-loved Golden Retriever, but Kuwabara comes in at a very close second.
With his dream to one day beat Yusuke in combat established, we cut to Yusuke wandering the street where the episode opened. "Okay, I'm remembering" he says in a voiceover. "After that I met the kid."
The soccer ball reappears as it rolls to a stop at Yusuke's feet. He grabs it and immediately starts yelling at the kid. Horrible protagonist, right? Well, Yusuke is trying to instill in him the danger of using this street as a playground, a worry the viewer already knows is 100% justified. āListen, kid, thatās dangerous! There are cars going by that will splatter you into the pavement!ā It's one of those quick moments where we get to enjoy Yusuke's duality: he's someone who is nearly making a toddler cry, but for rather understandable reasons. He's got the right idea, but needs to go about it in a more mature manner.
Which is precisely what he attempts to do. Sort of. Yusuke changes gears, though whether it's a more "mature" route is certainly up for debate lol. He tries entertaining the kid instead, raising and lowering the soccer ball to reveal goofy faces.
When these fail to impress, Yusuke goes full out by stuffing the ball into his pants, pushing his nose up with a pair of chopsticks he got from god knows where, and generally just putting on a display.
So Yusuke cares very deeply about his reputation... but only when it comes to those who are an established part of his life. Keiko, Mr. Takenaka, and the other kids at school all need to maintain a particular image of Yusuke, one that he's carefully cultivated. But random pedestrians on the street? Who cares about them? Let them talk.
This shows us that Yusuke does indeed have priorities over his own, selfish goals. Namely, the happiness of some kid is more important to him than looking "cool" for a bunch of strangers. Lots of characters with Yusuke's surface attitude would sneer at the idea of degrading themselves for ā their words ā some brat. But Yusuke, as we constantly see, actually does have that heart of gold. āWell, if all else fails I can still make kids happy.ā
Although... I'm not sure what to make of his display itself. I have the distinct sense that there's something prejudiced here that I'm not able to fully articulate, what with the chopsticks, slanted eyes, bald head, and the like, though to be entirely frank I don't have enough knowledge of Japan's history to say precisely what it might be. Or, really, whether it exists at all. Just something to chew on.
What I am sure about though is the importance of having the child label Yusuke as monster ā "Yeah, monster! ā but in a delighted manner. Yusuke is indeed some kind a monster, someone who disappoints adults and terrifies his classmates, a demon fighter on the streets too, but here that identity is reworked into something positive.
Having successful secured a laugh, Yusuke tells the kid ā calmly this time ā to go play elsewhere. The toddler stares up at him with the blank expression only kids can manage.
Well, kids and whatever headspace I'm in after writing these metas.
To absolutely no one's surprise except Yusuke's, the kid does not go elsewhere. Instead, he continues kicking the ball down the street, causing Yusuke to exclaim, āDammit, whatās the use? The kid can get smashed by a car for all I care!ā Liar, liar.Ā
The picture becomes desaturated as the kid kicks the ball and it flies into the street, time slowing down to show it landing precisely in the middle of the road. Yusuke again yells for him to stay put, but when has a toddler ever listened? He begins to walk into the road as our driver arrives, speeding, swerving, and paying more attention to the girl at his side than what's in front of him.
This time, we see the accident from the front with both Yusuke and the kid presented equally.
There's a cut to black and when we return we're in the present, Yusuke floating above the policemen now investigating the scene. āSo thatās it? Iām roadkill?ā As Yusuke realizes he's dead, specifically that he's a ghost, a voice goes,
"Bingo! Bingo! You win the prize!"
A woman has appeared who is quite obviously othered by the standards of the episode so far. Unlike the greens, blues, and browns of the series' modern clothes, she's dressed in hot pink kimono with blue hair to match. She's also, you know, floating on an oar.
āI didnāt expect you to figure it out so quickly," she says, referring to Yusuke's revelation that he's dead. Apparently, those who meet unexpected and/or violent ends tend to take some time coming to terms with their demise. It's a nice acknowledgment of Yusuke's intelligence in an interaction that's otherwise... not great for his self-esteem.
Meaning, this woman is about to drag him lol.
She introduces herself as Botan, pilot of the River Styx and guider of souls to the afterlife. You might also know her as the Grim Reaper.
(Hey, RWBY fans: I originally wrote that as Grimm ReaperĀ š¤¦āāļø)
It's an claim Yusuke takes issue with because 1. Botan is too pretty to be the Grim Reaper and 2. If she was really some god of death she'd be taking this much more seriously, not laughing and saying, "Bingo!" For the audience this does two things. First, it acknowledges our own expectations and validates them. Yusuke's world isn't so far removed from our own that he takes Botan's looks and personality at face value, he also expected a skeleton with a scythe. So don't worry, all the weird stuff in this series is weird to our protagonist too. They'll be explanations. Or, even if thereās not, youāre not wrong for being surprised.Ā
Second, it sets up the very common theme in YYH of undermining those common assumptions again and again and again. We've already seen it with Yusuke, wherein characters who look and act a certain way are, supposedly, destined to be that person and nothing more. Yusuke is meant to be just a "weed," a dumb, violent, angry loser who goes nowhere in life... but we already know he's more than that. Botan is supposed to be scary and serious, but she says nah, I want to be cute and bubbly instead. No character in YYH embodies who they're "supposed" to be when you look past those surface characterizations. They play the part of archetypes ā and do keep certain parts of their expected personalities ā but they're also far more well-rounded than that. Which yeah, is something most people expect from any story nowadays, but YYH is particularly adept at making you think you're watching Simple Show A only to turn around and surprise you with More Complex Show B.
It's great, trust me.
So Yusuke is pissed that Botan isn't adhering to those expectations, in the same way that he works hard to validate others expectations of him. He doesn't know how to deal with someone challenging his world view yet. Rather than angering Botan though, she just nods and says that this response makes sense for him. āRather than being scared, or surprised, you yell a lot and tell me I donāt know what Iām talking about." Taking out a notebook, she quickly summarizes everything we learned in the flashback ā minus Yusuke's complexities: he's fourteen, in middle school, is ill-tempered, violent, hates authority, and is a horrible student.
Typically, Yusuke responds by getting angry and trying to snatch the booklet out of her hands, only for Botan to pull it out of his reach, laughing. The tables have turned! Rather than being surrounded by people who cower at Yusuke's imposed authority, he now finds himself faced with someone who laughs at his transparent attempts to take control of the situation.
Calming down, Yusuke wants to know if the kid he saved is really alright and Botan offers to let him see for himself. That offer produces Yusuke's first, genuine smile.
They fly to the hospital where a doctor is in the process of giving the kid a clean bill of health, his mother crying with relief.Ā
That's enough for Yusuke. āAlright, Botan, Iāve got no regrets, so you can take me to hell or wherever it is Iām going.ā
That tells you all you need to know about Yusuke's self-worth, despite his bad boy attitude. His life is a dead-end as far as he can see and most of those around him haven't done anything to dissuade him of that idea. He says he doesn't care if the kid lives or dies, but then instinctively saves him. Post his death, Yusuke doesn't have anything he considers a regret, or anything he'd like to do before he leaves, like saying goodbye to a loved one. Oh, he's also pretty sure he's going to hell and has resigned himself to that without a fight.
Uplifting!
Botan just laughs though, saying that she's actually here to offer Yusuke an "ordeal" that could bring him back to life. See, he wasn't supposed to die today ā let alone die saving a kid ā and frankly they don't know what to do with him. It's another neat summary of what we've already learned: Yusuke is a far more complicated case than the afterlife assumed and now, when push comes to shove, deciding whether he belongs in heaven or hell is... muddled.
There's a fantastic story there about the problems with an afterlife that reduces a person's entire life to a few surface characteristics recorded in a book, refusing to acknowledge the context of their situation, or their capacity for change. āRun someone with your credentials a thousand times and they never would have saved a kid like that." Except, of course, Yusuke did save him, so those "credentials" are suspect, to say the least. However, YYH is not a story that explores these issues. Instead, I recommend you watch this!

Rather than being upset at the afterlife's low opinion of him (because let's be real, Yusuke shares it), he latches onto a little detail Botan let slip. If he wasn't supposed to die today... then was the kid?
Mmm... no. Actually, without the chaos of Yusuke jumping into the road, the driver would have swerved at the last second and the kid would have not only lived, but actually come out with one less scrape.
So Yusuke is obviously upset by this news! I would be too!! Holy shit, hang onto the "it's the thought that counts" message with everything you've got.
Also, don't think too much about the fact that the afterlife apparently knows exactly what will happen to people, down to how many cuts they accumulate in an accident. Also, don't think too much about where the afterlife foreseeing the crash begins and the unexpectedness of Yusuke interfering ends. That way lies madness. This will never come up again, so just let it go.
Sorry, 2013 me hijacked the post for a second.
As said, Yusuke is understandably upset by this revelation and as he fumes I'm reminded that this series likes to pull some amazing expressions.
Botan reiterates that it's all fine because Yusuke can come back to life. Weren't you listening? He should feel honored, in fact, considering that an offer like this only arrives every 100 years or so. Well, that explains why all of humanity isn't grappling with people coming back to life on the daily. One person every generation isn't going to cause much of a stir.
However, instead of jumping at the chance Yusuke announces that Botan is just like the teachers at school: she doesn't know what she's talking about. āYou said yourself my life was kind of pathetic, right?ā he says, going on to explain that everyone will be happier now that he's dead. His school won't have to deal with his behavior, Keiko won't have to nag him, and his mom will be able to party whenever she wants. It's a win-win for everyone involved.Ā
Hmm, this feels familiar.Ā

Don't worry, Yusuke doesn't need to experience a whole alternate reality to get the message.
āIām sorry you feel that way at such an early age," Botan says and she is sorry, because despite her teasing nature that's a legitimately horrifying thing to believe. Yusuke won't budge though and after a little back-and-forth Botan leaves, telling Yusuke he should think it over while visiting his wake. She'll come back once he decides what to do.
āDo you have worms in your ears, lady? I did decide!ā but Botan is long gone.
We cut to that night where Yusuke has indeed decided to attend his own wake. Maybe because of Botan's advice, maybe because he's just morbidly curious. Weāre not given insight into the decision.Ā
Atsuko is a mess, to put it mildly, not dressed for the occasion and sitting slumped against the way, staring vacantly as the guests offer their condolences. Yusuke is surprised by the fact that his entire class is here, but quickly writes them off when he sees two of the boys laughing. I'm on the fence about this detail, which I'll unpack in just a second.
First though, Yusuke sees Keiko exiting the house, inconsolable in her grief. She collapses on the ground with her two friends trying to offer comfort, despite the fact that they had nothing good to say about Yusuke himself. Good on them.
Before he can think too long on this though, Yusuke is distracted by Kuwabara's arrival. Unlike Keiko's crying, he expresses his grief through yelling. Specifically, yelling at Yusuke. For dying. For daring to "run away." His own friends are physically holding him back as he charges into the wake, screaming, āWho am I gonna fight now, huh? Who am I gonna fight?" It's not really about the fighting, of course. At least, not the fighting alone. "Youāre supposed to be here for me," Kuwabara finishes, the punch he's thrown at Yusuke's photo going limp and catching his first tear.
You know, for all the Ā goofy expressions, this show really is gorgeous. Just wait until we get to the fight animations.
Kuwabara's reaction is why I hesitate to write off the classmates like Yusuke has. Granted, we have no reason to believe that they care for him as Kuwabara does ā they're nameless background characters defined only by their terror of "the great Urameshi" ā but it's still a split second taken out of context. We don't know what they were laughing at, or if laughing is a part of their grief. God knows I personally laugh at the most inappropriate moments. If you tell me someone has just died there is a very good chance I will laugh awkwardly as I try to process that. Itās just a reflex. All of which I bring up not because these side characters are important, but because Yusuke's perception of his own worth is. The point of each of these moments is to show that those around him have always cared for him, even if Yusuke didn't notice. It's nice to think that extends to his classmates too. The variety likewise exists to show us how people grieve differently, with Kuwabara's friends not understanding that this is how he's working through the trauma: āThis place is for mourning!ā He is mourning, even if his way of mourning isn't as socially acceptable as Keiko's. So if screaming and throwing punches is valid, crying is valid, staring stoically in a drunk stupor is valid... why not laughter too?
Not likely, perhaps, but possible.
As an additional possibility to chew on, watching this premier again, it struck me how more emotional Kuwabara's scene is compared to Keiko's. Don't get me wrong, crying and calling Yusukeās name gets the point across, but it's two seconds of generic grief compared to a much longer scene rife with intensity. When Kuwabara arrives the music swells and everyone is forced to pay attention to him. His grief is loud, violent, and givenĀ symbolism with his fist and the photo. There's more effort put into his reaction, frankly, so it wouldn't surprise me if fans started shipping them after this. That grief combined with an "enemies to lovers" possibility is a pretty potent mix. To be clear, Yusuke/Keiko is the (oh so obvious) canonical endgame and in the fandom Yusuke/Kuwabara can't compare to another slash ship that will turn up later, but this is a good example of how writers can craft some Very Gay Scenes without realizing it. When you have the girl crying prettily for a second and the guy absolutely losing his mind over Yusuke's death, questioning his purpose now, his support network, and then collapsing in grief... don't be surprised if your audience goes, "Oh hey, maybe they'd be a good couple instead."
But I digress.
The only people who are unquestioningly happy about Yusuke's passing are Mr. Iwamoto and his co-conspirator, Mr. Akashi. You know Akashi is another bad guy because he has bucked teeth and "ugliness" is an easy way to code for evilness. YYH is not immune to those mistakes :/
These two are really something else though, standing in the middle of a wake and claiming it's ātoo bad that car wasnāt big enough for them too," referring to Kuwabara and his friends. Wow! What stellar members of the academic community. Iwamoto goes on to say that Yusuke dying at least accomplished something good. Not, mind you, saving the life of a child, but rather looking good for their school's reputation. Akashi agrees, but says it's likely Yusuke only accidentally saved him while trying to steal the kid's lunch money. Remember, that accusation of theft is the one thing Yusuke has said outright that he does not do.
He's pissed listening to all this ā wouldn't you be? ā but knows by now he can't do anything about it. In another fantastic shot, Yusuke hovers his hand over Iwamoto's shoulder, desperate to grab him, when Takenaka's arrives there instead.
āWhat do you suppose is more disgraceful? That boy showing his misery, or your insensitive and idiotic words!ā
HELL YEAH. You tell 'em, Mr. Takenaka.
Yusuke gets his third shock of the night at this passionate defense. Takenaka leaves the teachers to go pay his respects, but admits to Yusuke's picture that he just can't speak well of him. He was surprised to hear that Yusuke gave up his life for another and it's a fact that he acted selfishly. Though he doesn't say it in as many words, Takenaka explains that he's not grieving because Yusuke was a good person, but because it's so clear to him that he might have been. āWhy didnāt you stay? You could have made something great out of yourself.ā
Normally, "Why didn't you stay?" is just something for the living to grapple with, as the dead obviously don't have any say in what happens to them. But Yusuke does. It's here that the lighting grows soft again and Yusuke considers Takenaka's words. Keiko and Kuwabara grieve for who he was, but Takenaka grieves for who Yusuke could have been ā someone that might still exist if Yusuke decides to undergo this ordeal.
Atsuko adds fuel to the emotional fire, breaking down and hiding her face in her knees.
Finally, the kid Yusuke saved arrives with his mother. Because yes, Yusuke saved him in every way that matters, considering no one else knows ā or will know ā that he'd have lived anyway. I like that the show doesn't allow that knowledge to undermine the emotion of their arrival, or what Yusukeās act meant to them.Ā
The mom tells her son to pay his respects and the kid thanks Yusuke for saving him, and for "making faces." He clearly doesn't get what's going on here. This is confirmed as the two leave and he asks his mom if he can play with Yusuke again tomorrow. āI know some people sounded angry at him, but heās really nice!"Ā
They're probably just crying because they want to play with him too, he thinks, which just makes his mom join in. Everyone is crying in this club tonight.
Those words are the cincher for Yusuke and with a brief montage of all the grief he's witnessed, he makes his decision.
We cut to later that night where Yusuke floats above the city, admiring the moon. Botan reappears and he asks, āHave you ever not known about something that seemed obvious to everyone else?ā Yes, everyone has experienced that at one point or another. She asks if he's made his decision and Yusuke agrees to try and come back to life.
Emotional revelations out of the way, we're allowed another tone shift as Botan yells with joy, speeding off and causing Yusuke to grab hold of the end of her oar, lest he be left behind. Cranky as always, he demands to know where they're going. "To the spirit world, of course!" They're off to see someone who can explain the ordeal and give Yusuke the tool needed to complete it. Just hang on and enjoy the ride.
Thus ends our very first episode! Ah, the nostalgia. This is part one of a four arc series, with the anime cutting out a lot of the filler stories found at the start of the manga ā a smart decision, I think. They primarily do the work of teaching Yusuke what he learned at the wake, so if you can accomplish that as quickly as the adaptation did, all the better. Especially since Yusuke needs to grow a great deal beyond the basic understanding that people might, sort of care for him, and that work will occur primarily through a job he's going to take on. The series isn't really about his death and it's not about an attempt to come back either ā it's about what happens once you get that second chance. So this is the setup, but it's important setup all the same.
No need to skip ahead though. I've blathered enough for one recap. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you when the writing gods next bless me with energy!Ā š
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Soulmarks and Surprises
First fic for this fandom! A bit iffy on how well it turned out- but! Hopefully as I write more for this fandom the more comfortable I can become with the characters and writing fics with them! Anywho- enjoy!
Masterpost
Pairing: Zukka
Fandom / Genre: Avatar the Last Airbender /Ā Fluff
Summary:Ā Soulmarks and soulmates were something that was pushed to the back of people's minds once the fire nation attacked... Suddenly, it was no longer a priority to find the one you were supposedly destined to be with, all according to black images somewhere on your body.Ā
Well, Sokka at least doesn't have to look too far to find his soulmate.
-------------------
Sokka had noticed the mark a long time ago, when they were staying in Ozai's old house. He was watching Zuko teach Aang firebending one day, and couldn't help searching the prince's torso for that telling mark. He was curious if Zuko even had a soulmark.
He never usually thought much of soulmarks. They were common, but often overlooked at this point. It was difficult for most to find their soulmate after the fire nation started trying to take over the world, and suddenly soulmates weren't the most important thing in cultures anymore. But with the war hopefully ending soon⦠Sokka wondered if people would become more determined to find their soulmate.
Suki wasn't his, he knew that. The two had compared their marks late one night when they had become curious, and although they looked kind of similar, it was clear they weren't the same. Sokka's was a wave that crashed and turned into flames, and Suki's were flames being blown into a night sky by a fan.
Sokka had never seen Katara's soulmark, and Aang⦠Aang didn't seem to have one. Sokka assumed it was because he was the Avatar, so maybe he just wouldn't ever have a soulmate. And Sokka hadn't tried seeing Toph's.
But he was curious about Zuko's soulmark. And so, watching him train Sokka observed and searched until he spotted it. It was on the same side his scar was on, on his lower back, easy to hide if he wanted. And Sokka's heart stopped beating for a few moments as he stared at the mirror image of his own mark.
Sokka had trouble sleeping that night, but with the comet arriving soon, Sokka decided that he could bring up the soulmark another time.
-
The day before Sozin's comet, Sokka finally pulled Zuko aside. He couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of one of them dying and Zuko not at least knowing that they were soulmates. Sokka thought he had a right to know, so that if Sokka did die and Zuko lived Zuko could at least not spend years hoping to find his soulmate.Ā
Zuko tilted his head at Sokka, frowning slightly. "What's going on with you?" he asked. "You're more jittery than usual."
Sokka let go of Zuko's arm, instead folding his own arms over his chest. "I⦠I really need to talk with you about something, something that I've known for a bit now." Sokka didn't meet Zuko's eyes as he spoke, trying to gather his thoughts.
Zuko waited patiently, watching as his friend worried at his bottom lip. He'd never seen Sokka appear this nervous before, really. "It's about soulmarks, specifically yours."
Zuko stiffened slightly at that, frown deepening. He thought no one cared about those anymore⦠he certainly didn't like them, especially knowing he had one and that some poor soul was quite possibly destined to be with him. As a child, because of the water mixing with flames in his soulmark, Azula would tease him because his soulmate would probably be a waterbender, or from one of the water tribes at least, something not really sought after in his family.
"Yeah?"
Sokka nodded.
Zuko also really didn't like the idea that a stupid mark told him who he would end up loving, if they ever met at all-
"I um, I have the same one."
Zuko blinked at Sokka in confusion, his thoughts having come to a sudden halt. It took a moment for Zuko to process what Sokka had said, and he was shaking his head at the water tribe boy.
"No, you don't."
Spirits, Sokka had to be lying. Zuko couldn't think of why Sokka would lie about being his soulmate, but there was no way Sokka was Zuko's. Zuko knew Sokka was destined to be with someone much greater.
"I can show you if you don't believe me." Before Zuko could say anything, Sokka was moving his tunic aside and turned slightly, showing the back of his shoulder. Black swirled together in a pattern Zuko very easily recognized, and he felt his throat closed as he stared at the mark. Sokka took a deep breath as he shifted his clothes back in place. Zuko shook his head again, trying to catch up with his thoughts. "This was probably the worst time to tell you- I should have when I first found out but I couldn't cause I wasn't sure how to bring it up or how you would react or even feel about that, but you deserved to know, especially if things go south and something happens."
The silence was worse than any rejection Sokka could have imagined, it just felt so tense and Zuko looked blank, and Sokka needed just some sort of reaction.
"Zuko, say something, please," Sokka didn't speak loudly, taking a hesitant step towards Zuko. Zuko didn't move away from him, instead, he glanced towards where the others had all made camp. When he returned his gaze back to Sokka, something seemed to switch and he reached out for the young warrior and embraced him tightly.
Sokka was frozen for a moment before he returned the hug, feeling Zuko bury his face in the crook of Sokka's neck. "Don't you dare let things go south," Zuko mumbled, pressing closer. "I want to be able to properly talk about this when we aren't gonna go end this war in about a day."
Relief washed over Sokka for a moment, and his arms tightened around Zuko. "Will definitely try."
-
Things luckily worked out in the end. They talked in the infirmary of the palace and had agreed to try dating, see if they were actually a good match, but they also wanted to take it slow. Things were already moving so quickly in their lives, they didn't need another thing to pile on.
That was roughly three years ago, though. Zuko had been crowned Firelord, and after Sokka healed he returned to the southern water tribe to help rebuild and to also help improve his tribe's home. They exchanged letters for those two years, each letter growing sappier the longer they were apart.
Zuko was reading over a document, one he was planning on proposing to the school administrators soon to change curriculums. He was so focused he barely registered the loud knocking on his door. It was fairly late, he realized as he rose from his desk, back stiff and aching, and he wondered who would even be up at this hour besides some guards.
The knocking continued until he finally opened his door, sighing, about to scold whoever for possibly disrupting some visiting ambassador's sleep. Zuko snapped his mouth shut though at the grinning face in front of him, and the smile was infectious.
"I thought you weren't going to be able to make it for another week?"
Sokka shrugged. "I couldn't help myself from making a surprise visit," and he nodded towards Zuko's room, a silent question. Zuko moved out of the way, letting Sokka inside and Zuko thanked the guard who had escorted him before closing the door.
Sokka was already settled on Zuko's bed and he reached out, beckoning his boyfriend over. Zuko rolled his eyes as Sokka started making grabby hands instead, and he shrugged off his formal robes. He had started wearing more comfortable clothes underneath them so he could feel a bit more relaxed in meetings. Zuko put the robes in a hamper, knowing the servants would come and retrieve them by morning, and he accepted Sokka's embrace, practically melting into the water tribe boy's arms.
"You've been working too hard," Sokka muses as he kicks off his shoes before shifting them both under Zuko's blankets. He did it with ease, Zuko curled up on his lap basically made it easier for him to move and lie down. Zuko nestled into his chest, and felt Sokka remove his hair from the bun he always kept it in. The crown was also taken out, set on the nightstand near Zuko's bed.
"I've gotta if I want to keep improving the fire nation," Zuko says, listening to Sokka's steady heartbeat. Sokka hummed knowingly, fingers combing through Zuko's hair. Zuko sighed at the touch and relaxed further.
"Missed you," Sokka mumbled, and Zuko nodded slightly in agreement. "I can stay longer than I did last time, too."
Zuko glanced up at him, curious. "How long, exactly?" Last time, Sokka was able to stay for about a month. But that was last year. Sokka grins down at him, hand not in Zuko's hair moving down Zuko's back and slipping under Zuko's shirt, tracing the soulmark there.
"As long as I want, if you'll let me."
Zuko returned to his previous position, and he nodded slightly. "Of course, you could stay forever if you truly wanted."
Sokka laughs at that, and he presses a kiss to the top of Zuko's head. "I'll keep that in mind. You look tired though, so how about we sleep, and tomorrow over breakfast you can complain about the boring meetings like you do in your letters."
Zuko huffs, but doesn't object to sleeping and he falls asleep faster than Sokka thought he would. Sokka doesn't mention the pendant he made, that's something he could bring up after he caught up with his soulmate.
#zukka#atla#avatar the last airbender#zuko#sokka#atla zuko#atla sokka#fluff#post canon#soulmate au#Sokka/zuko#zuko/sokka#amberskywrites#ambersky#fanfic#this isn't great but! I'm happy I was able to /finally/ write something
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"dance with me" - jhs twoshot
genre: strangers to lovers!au, fluff, tiny bit of angst
pairing: hobi x reader (f)
summary: this is the first part of hobiās birthday twoshot where he meets a girl on a night out on the town but loses her (a better summary will come later)
word count: 1.8k
warnings: some cursing, mentions of alcohol, not a happy ending rn
a/n: whew it's been a minute. as per, school and work are kicking my ass but i wanted to write something for hobi's birthday. i actually finished this first half on time but was stuck on the second half before i decided i should make this into a twoshot. i'm going to finish it though, hopefully soon. iāll edit everything later. either way, enjoy :)
full masterlist // part two
āGuys, I really shouldnāt,ā Hoseok laments.
āWhy not?ā Jimin whines from his sprawled out position on Hoseokās aging leather sofa. āItās been weeks since youāve come out with us.ā
Hoseok shrugs. āIāve just been⦠busy,ā he finishes lamely.
āDoing what?ā Jungkook challenges from the kitchen, his voice barely carrying over the low hum of the open refrigerator.
āOkay, I guess I havenāt been doing too much. I just havenāt been in the mood? Life is just a lot right now,ā Hoseok says as he picks at the fraying carpet on the floor. He really should get a new one.
āSo, let us help you feel better!ā Jimin rolls off the sofa, narrowly missing Hoseokās head with his legs and keeping his leather pants intact. āA night out dancing with your best friends. Maybe a few drinks. You donāt even have to bring anyone home if you donāt want to.ā
Hoseok is still iffy on Jiminās proposal. Usually, heād be the one encouraging his friends to enjoy a night out on the town but starting his new job at the architectural firm downtown a few weeks ago had really taken its toll. He knew that heād have a lot to learn when he started but he didnāt think itād be this much, the new programming and drawing systems much more sophisticated than what heād remembered during his undergraduate matriculation. Hoseok spent much of his free time practicing his skills, exhausting himself late into the night. All he wanted to do was rest but it was proving to be challenging after his friends showed up on his doorstep tonight, demanding he join them.
āI donāt know, Jimin.ā
āYou donāt have to know anything. Look, if you arenāt having a good time by midnight, Iāll call you a cab home myself,ā Jimin offers. āAnd Jungkook will buy you your first three drinks,ā he tacks on after seeing Hoseokās unwavering expression.
āHey!ā Jungkook exclaims from the entryway.
āItās the least you could do, Jungkook. Youāre literally eating him out of house and home right now,ā Jimin says, pointing to the roll of kimbap Jungkook has in his hands.
āYou canāt drink on an empty stomach,ā the younger one counters.
āYou ate an hour ago.ā
āFair enough,ā Jungkook concedes. āGet dressed, Hobi. Drinks are on me,ā he finishes around a mouthful of food. Jimin beams, turning to Hoseok.
Sighing, Hoseok reluctantly drags himself to his feet. āFine. But youāre buying me drinks and dinner. Nope. I donāt want to hear it,ā he says, holding up a finger. āGive me ten minutes.ā
āYes!ā Jimin cheers as Hoseok heads to his room.
Twenty five minutes later, the three young men arrive at Antarriās. Known for its strong drinks and booming bass, Antarriās had become their regular stomping ground. It was safe to say a few other patrons recognized them in the dark; the trioās dance reputation preceded them. On any given weekend the establishment would be flooded with young people ready to let loose their frustrations. The proximity of the cityās two major universities being just over a stoneās throw away may also help.
āOkay! Shots first!ā Jimin yells over the incessant chatter. Hoseok shakes his head but follows his friend deeper into the club.
āWhat should we get?ā
āNothing too crazy -ā Hoseok starts.
āTequila!ā Jungkook interrupts, waving his arm frantically for the bartenderās attention. Both Jimin and Hoseok blanch at the suggestion. āWhat? Iām buying. I should get to choose.ā
Jimin shrugs. āHe is buying.ā
Hoseok rubs his forehead, already feeling the splitting migraine heād have tomorrow morning. Alcohol never seemed to agree with him and heād learned many times what pushing his limit did to him. Still, he doesnāt protest when Jungkook orders, āYour finest shots of tequila, my good sir.ā
Maybe the night would pass by faster this way.
āOkay guys. Whatās the game plan?ā Jungkook asks around a mouthful of lime.
āJust have fun. If youāre leaving, send a text will you? I donāt want another repeat of last time,ā Jimin huffs and sets his shot glass down on the counter.
āI wasnāt even gone for that long!ā
āYou came back the following evening missing your shirt and a shoe, Jungkook,ā Jimin frowns.
āOkay but -ā
āGuys,ā Hoseok interjects. āNot the time.ā
āRight. This is about you, Hobi. Weāre going to have a great time. And you -ā Jimin points his finger at Jungkook.
āYeah, yeah, yeah. Iāll text the chat that Iām alive. Letās go!ā Jungkook says, pushing off the stool and heading into the crowd.
Hoseok shakes his head at his younger friend. He worried about his safety sometimes.
āYou sure youāre up for this?ā Jimin checks in.
āYeah, yeah. Go have fun. Iāll see you in there,ā Hoseok responds. Nodding, Jimin pats him on the arm before setting off.
āRemember, Iāll call you a cab if you arenāt having fun,ā he calls over his shoulder and then disappears.
Moving over to a less crowded part of the bar, Hoseok leans against the wall. Already his shirt is starting to stick to his skin. The music blares at an obscene level he feels in his bones and he welcomes the feeling.
Though an architect by trade, Hoseok knew his way around a dance floor. He wasnāt captain of the universityās dance team for no reason. Music was a language Hoseok translated with his body, each syllable corresponding to a particular movement as he listened to each rhythm and rhyme. Closing his eyes, he lets it speak it to him.
It doesnāt take long for him to get lost in the feeling. Limbs moving freely, Hoseok glides across the floor easily. Heās not concerned with the curious onlookers as he grooves to one of Billboardās latest bangers. A small crowd has started to form around him but Hoseok ignores them as he spins through a move. Then, he sees you.
His body sputters through the movement until he slows to a gentle rock, eyes trying to focus on you through the pockets between peopleās heads. You arenāt looking at him. Too engrossed in your own movement as you vibe with the music. Hoseok almost feels as though heās watching himself dance. Intrigued, he moves closer.
Heās pretty sure heās never seen you here before. Granted he doesnāt remember every face he sees but Hoseok is positive he would remember you because of the way you move. Blinking, he feels like heās in a trance as he watches you turn, your hips swaying in time with the beat. Hoseok realizes heās not the only one watching you. A few other guys have gathered but you ignore their presence, favoring to dance alone. Hoseok chews his lip. Did he even have a chance?
The music changes and Hoseok watches you change your movement to match the tempo seamlessly. He smiles. He would do exactly the same. Smooth RnB filters out over the sound system and Hoseok calms his beating heart, finding his own rhythm again as he slips back into his translation. When he turns, he makes eye contact with you, a small smile on your lips as you regard him. Heās pretty sure itās the alcohol that makes him bold enough to take a step towards you.
Though you donāt move closer, your eyes donāt leave Hoseokās. A silent exchange happens between you as you continue dancing and Hoseok matches your movements while maintaining his distance. Hoseok nearly holds his breath as you tentatively step closer. If he were to reach out, heād surely be able to touch you. He doesnāt though. The two of you continue to dance in front of one another, though not with each other as the song changes.
When you turn - back towards him and continue dancing - Hoseok isnāt too sure of what to do. He doesnāt want to impose and ruin your night but he sure as hell would love to dance with you. He takes another tentative step forward, the space between you what chaperones at prom would call encroaching on dangerous territory. Still, he doesnāt touch you though heās sure you can feel his breath dance across your skin.
Itās you who makes the final move.
He feels your fingertips brush against the outside of his thigh until your fingers wrap around his and place them on your hip. Jeans slung low on your waist, Hoseokās thumb rests against your bare skin. He lets his other hand settle on the outside of your thigh, his touch light so not to scare you.
Chest against your back, Hoseok matches his hips with yours, the swell of your ass pressed tightly to his crotch. When you curl your arm around the back of his neck, fingers splayed in the hairs at his nape, Hoseok squeezes you in reflex. The heat of Antarriās only grows worse as you continue to dance and another small crowd gathers to watch you.
Hoseok has never felt so at ease dancing with another human being. He feels like youāve been partners since you were three and took classical ballroom together for eighteen years. You read his movements and he reads yours as you trade the role of leader and follower back and forth. In all honesty, Hoseok doesnāt want the night to end, especially when you hit a particularly dangerous move - bending at the waist with your hands on your knees, the push back firm as his hand ghosts your back. He has to stifle a groan at the sight, more than a few ungentlemanly thoughts surfacing in response.
Spinning you around, Hoseok gazes down at you as he slots one of his legs between yours. A gentle smile crosses your face and you rest your hands loosely around his neck. Hoseok gently brushes your damp hair from your forehead. You donāt look away as his hand comes to rest under your jaw. He watches your tongue swipe against your bottom lip as he wraps his arm around -
āY/N!ā
The moment is broken at the scream of what Hoseok assumes is your name.
āY/N, come on! We have to go! Code Blue!ā Hoseok loosens his hold on you as you step away. Before either of you can utter a word, your friend is pulling you through the crowd and away from him. Over the din of the music, he faintly hears you call a āSorry!ā as you disappear.
Stunned, Hoseok stands in the middle of the crowd as your figure slowly becomes lost in the sea of swaying bodies. He feels like heās just stepped out of a sauna, the trance you placed him in lifting as people start to fill in the space around him now that the show is over. Hoseok rubs his face in frustration. How could he have let you leave like that? How was he supposed to find you?
āHobi! Hey Hobi!ā Hoseok turns at the sound of his name to see Jimin elbowing his way through the crowd. āHey, are you okay?ā
Sighing, Hoseok nods.
āOkay,ā Jimin says wearily. āDo you want to leave?ā
āNo, itās okay. Jungkook still owes me two more shots. I gotta collect.ā
Jimin grins. āThatās the spirit! Come on, letās go.ā
Tossing one last longing look to what was supposed to be a promising night, Hoseok follows his friend to the bar to forget what could have happened.
full masterlist // part two
joon-ipersgirl, 2021
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The Couple Next Door VII(Roger Taylor x Female!Reader)
Find Part Six Here
A/N: So, I kinda split this chapter into 2 parts bc it was so long. Iāll post the second one as soon as I post this one. I was also kinda upset bc I posted something this morning and thereās like⦠2 notes on it (Thank you, fellow bloggers <3), so Iām trying to keep my mind off that.
But yes, you guys have been waiting for another chapter since February, so Iāve come to save the day (and your Quarantines)
Summary: John asks Roger for a favour.
(Read Roger as canonical, or Hardy!Roger, whatever brightens your day)Ā
WARNINGS: Mentions of oral sex, implications of sex, swearing probably, and maybe some errors bc I donāt wanna edit this
Iām putting the fic at a T, bc nothing really happens, but I advise to read at your own risk if youāre under 18
(Also, been waiting FOREVER to use this gif)
Roger hadn't fully crossed the threshold of the door to the control room at the studio when both Brian and John, both there way before him and Freddie, turned to him and called him over.Ā
Ā "Roger, do you know any sitters? Veronica and I are planning on going up and visiting her parents this weekend and we can't take Bobby with us."
Ā The look on John's face was clearly upsetting. He loved his son with all his heart, especially since Bobby was his first kid. It also probably didn't help that he was only a month or so old.Ā
Ā Roger wondered if there was ever going to be a day where he'd feel sad having to look for a nanny for a kid of his own.Ā
Ā "Just ask Brian to watch him. Surely Bobby would find entertainment in ripping all that hair from his scalp."Ā
Ā "Ha-ha. Very funny, Roger," Brian called back to him, arms and legs crossed as he spun around in his chair to face Roger head on.Ā
Ā "Chrissie and I are sharing our one year and I wanted to take her out this weekend." Roger shrugged. "Try Fred, then. He and Mary won't have a problem sitting for you, surely."Ā
Ā "Already asked, my Love," Freddie responded for John as he walked into the room, tossing a (fabulous, may I add) jean jacket down on the sofa pushed up against the back wall.Ā
Ā "Mary's visiting her father then, and I couldn't possibly care for a child on my own."Ā
Ā "You have like... fifteen cats, and you can't take care of a baby for a night or two?"
Fred just shrugged at Roger's question before taking a seat next to John. "Roger, do you think maybe you and Y/n could take him?"Ā
Ā Roger's face twisted in confusion.Ā
"Wait wait wait... us? Why us?!"Ā
Ā "Roger," John sounded desperate. "We will pay you guys! You can stay at our house! Everything you'll need will be there!"
Ā "John, I don't know..."Ā
Ā "Roger," Brian interrupted. The three other heads in the room turned to the curly-haired guitarist as he rose to his feet and crossed his arms over his chest.Ā
"You can use this chance to prove yourself to Y/n."Ā
Ā "Prove myself? What are you talking about?!"Ā
Ā "Don't tell us you've forgotten about that whole family issue you've been having," Freddie tisked playfully.Ā
Ā "This is your chance to show her you're father material," Brian explained, slapping Roger on the back.Ā
Ā "Look, I get you all love Y/n, and you think it's funny if I make a fool out of myself,"Ā
Ā "It is pretty entertaining," John defended with a smile on his face, to which Roger glared back.Ā
Ā "But," Roger continued as Brian's hand fell back to his side. "The situation is between me and her. Not you guys."Ā
Ā "... But have you even spoken to her about it?" John asked quietly, to which Roger sighed. "It's just... It's complicated," Roger combed his hair back with his fingers.Ā
Ā "We're just trying to help, Rog. We all know you're dying to marry this girl."Ā
Ā "Shut up, Fred," Roger mumbled through his teeth.Ā
Ā "I'm just saying, marrying her would be a real problem-fixer with the whole... condo situation."Ā
Ā "They're not even dating," John reminded.Ā
Ā "Pssh. Yeah. And I'm not a Hysterical Queen," Freddie finished, kicking his legs up on the console, being mindful not to hit any buttons with the soles of his shoes.Ā
Ā "Besides, I can't think of one person I know who fucks their best friend and doesn't end up dating them in the end."
Ā It was Freddie, John, and Brian who pushed Roger to even begin that arrangement with you.Ā
Ā He'd set the both of you up, all along!Ā
Ā Roger opened his mouth to give Freddie a piece of his mind, and Brian's hand was already gripping onto the drummer's shoulder to hold him back from literally throwing himself at the other, entertained, quarter of the band.Ā
Ā "Hey guys," all four of them turned quickly to the source of the sound, and it turned out to be you, peeking out from behind the doorway, and revealing five paper cups of tea. "Woke up and figured I'd be nice today."Ā
Ā "Aw, could you hear your ears ringing, my Love? We were just talking about you," Freddie drawled happily. Roger glared at him as he spoke while Brian and John watched the situation unfold.
Ā "Me? What for?" You began pulling each paper cup from its place in the tray, and handing them out to each band member one-by-one as John cleared his throat to explain.Ā
Ā "Well, you see, Veronica wants to visit her parents this weekend, and we can't bring the baby with us. On top of that, we can't find a sitter."Ā
Ā "Well, why didn't you ask Roger? We'd be happy to take care of Bobby!"Ā
Ā "Is that so?" Freddie sarcastically asked, taking a sip of his tea before setting it down and dramatically throwing his hands behind his head. He leaned back into a relaxed state, giving Roger an amused look.Ā
Ā "Well we tried asking your Honey over here, and he said you two wouldn't be okay with it." Fred, Roger thought, is really asking for it.Ā
Ā "First of all, very funny," you smiled as you began counting on your fingers, clearly unaware of the depressing look on Roger's face when you dismissed Freddie's label for the drummer.Ā
Ā "Secondly, I love Bobby, why wouldn't we be okay with sitting for him?"Ā
Ā You glanced back at Roger before facing John again. "And thirdly, even if Roger doesn't wanna come, I will."Ā
John's eyes widened as a smile broke out onto his face. "So is that a yes? You'll do it?"Ā
Ā "Of course, Deaky!"Ā
Ā "Perfect! You can stay at our house and everything so we don't have to send the crib or anything with you! You're a lifesaver, Y/n!"
Ā "Anything for you and 'Ronica, Johnny."Ā
Ā "Well," Freddie clapped his hands once before kicking his legs off the console table and onto the floor. "Are we all good to practice now?"Ā
Ā "We should be," John confirmed as he downed some of his tea before standing up from his chair and stretching.Ā
Ā You turned back to Roger, taking a sip of your tea."I gotta go to work, Roggie. I'll see you tonight, 'round dinner, yeah?"Ā
Ā "Sure," he nodded as the room around the both of you bustled with the other three members of Queen preparing to enter the recording room. You nodded, and you turned to leave the room.Ā
Ā Roger watched you disappear behind the door, and Freddie called him to help record.Ā
Ā Despite this, Roger set his cup of tea down on the coffee table next to him, and actually took off out the door after you.Ā
Ā He assumed you'd be taking the lift, and knowing there were some issues with its mechanics, he knew for sure he could beat the lift to the bottom floor just before you could leave if he took the stairs.Ā
Ā Sure enough, when the doors to the lift opened on the ground floor, Roger was waiting for you on the other side.Ā
Ā It startled you, and before you could chastise him for scaring you, he stepped into the lift.
Ā "Quick talk before you leave," he mumbled hurriedly as he shut the lift's doors.Ā
"What?" You frowned in confusion.Ā
Ā "Look," he sighed. He tried to ignore how quiet it was in the lift, but it was hard to do that when he was the only one talking.Ā
Ā "That whole thing... with John and his son... I panicked."Ā
Ā God, he could hear himself thinking.Ā
Ā "I don't know anything about kids, let alone babies. I didn't wanna take responsibility for something I don't know how to care for."Ā
Ā "And I do," you responded, offering a warm smile to Roger before taking another drink of your tea.Ā
Ā "Love, you've nothing to worry about. I cared for my cousin in high school when he was just a baby. I've no issue in showing you the ropes."
Ā "I thought you were iffy with kids, like I am."Ā
Ā "I'm just āiffyā with the idea of becoming a mother,Ā and having children of my own," you corrected, nudging him in the arm when your comment didn't gauge a reaction from him.Ā
Ā You just figured the neighbours and their expectations of the both of you were on his mind.
Ā "Hey, it's not like any of our neighbours are gonna see us with Bobby. We'll be at John's the whole time, right? Out of sight, out of mind."
Ā "Yeah, I guess." Roger shrugged.Ā
Ā "Don't think this will change anything. We're doing this for a friend, not to appease the old people surrounding our condo."Ā
Ā Roger didn't say anything, his eyes cast to the floor. Of course this was bothering him, and although you thought it was for all the wrong reasons, he never admitted to you why he was actually uneasy about the whole thing.Ā
Ā "Roger," you sighed, rubbing circles on his back with your free hand. "We'll be okay."Ā
Ā You held out your pinky from your paper cup as a promise. "... Trust?"Ā
Ā Roger looked at your innocent eyes and hopeful smile, and that boy caved in so fast he hadn't realized he solidified the promise until after speaking. "Trust, Y/n," he breathed gently.Ā
Ā You unlinked your pinky from Roger's, and you caught him frown.Ā
Ā "Better not be moody when you get off work," you warned playfully to him, opening the lift's door.Ā
Ā "And why is that?" Roger lightly challenged back, trying a smile, and offering it to you when it felt right.Ā
Ā You turned on your heel as you walked out, eyelids lowering as you lazily grinned at Roger.Ā
Ā "Because dinner and a blowjob will be waiting for you at home this evening," you said matter-of-factly.Ā
Ā You almost laughed at the starstruck look in the blond's eyes, mouth hanging open, and face burning a deep red.Ā
Ā You tapped the lift's button to send Roger back to the floor he needed. As the lift's doors began to close, Roger watched you turn and make your way to the building's entrance.Ā
Ā "See you tonight, Drummer Boy," you called over your shoulder to him. The lift's doors finally shut completely, and Roger stood in absolute dumbfoundment until the lift opened again.Ā
Ā He really couldn't believe how lucky he was to be able to have you.Ā
Ā As a friend, and, of course, as a stress-reliever.Ā
He made sure to keep a smile on his face the rest of the day.Ā
Ā When any of the guys questioned him, he'd just respond with a shrug, the tips of his ears flushing the same colour as his shirt.Ā
Ā And when Roger got home that night, dinner was most definitely ready for him...Ā
Ā Though with the look you were giving him as soon as the two of you sat at the table, you both made a silent agreement to head upstairs and just skip to dessert.
______________________________
A/A/N: Iām so sorry this took so long to post. The next one will be up within the next 2 hours. Thank you all for being so patient. I love Yāall.
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Reaction Redux (I know it doesnāt make sense but it sounds cool)
Alright, here is my initial reaction to Putting Others First: Selfishness vs Selflessness Redux.
Itās finally here, Iāve watched it a total of two times and currently have it on in the background as I type this, and I have a lot of feelings. All of which would be too much for one post, so after I do this Iāll be making a few separate posts addressing certain points Iād like to expand on further.Ā
So what Iām going to do is have the video playing as I write this out, that way I donāt miss out anything I wanted to discuss. Basically itās not gonna be a full on analysis, just a lot of random ramblings with what I hope are some insightful gems sprinkled throughout. Consider these my notes for all my future serious analysis posts.Ā
Good? Great. Letās go.Ā (Also spoilers under the cut)
So, how did I feel as I watched the video for the first time? Well considering I got the notification for the video while I was still at work, I couldnāt get as excited as I wanted to be about it because I didnāt get off until 8pm and had to deal with one too many dunderheads so I was pretty grumpy once I got off.Ā
However, as soon as I got home and retreated to the safety of my isolation fortress (aka my bedroom) I was finally able to get excited as I got on my laptop and pulled up the video and let me just say I was a mess the entire time. I missed my boys!!! I knew they wouldnāt all be present, but I still missed my boys!!! And I loved seeing them again!!!Ā
First things first, that song at the beginning! I think itās called Review Redux (correct me if Iām wrong) itās such a freaking bop and I wish it was longer because I could listen to it all day. I loved the artwork and little details that went into their characters, and how each of the circles represented who was singing/talking by their colors. Fun stuff and a great way to recap everything! As well as foreshadow things to come within the episode⦠āIf our goals aligned with his what would that say?ā Roman youāre in for a rude awakening budā¦Ā
Also, the little moment near the beginning where Patton is about to shut Thomasā negative thinking down, but stops himself and allows Thomas to explain why he feels that way. Showing that heās learned to ease up just a little since he learned to do so in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts. Good for you Patton.Ā
Speaking of Patton, oh he is so confused. I understand where heās coming from, and honestly everything he said are things I have been taught growing up, and this is something Iāll address in another post because I have a lot of things to say about it. But just know that I adore the development Patton has been going through and watching him grow and mature.Ā
Oh yes, I must mention I was pleasantly surprised to see Logan. I didnāt think heād show up in this episode, or at the very least have a brief appearance, but I love how he took part and by far the funniest part in this episode (to me) is when he had so much to say in one little post that it popped up and hit Patton in the nose. It was one of the few moments where I laughed out loud and I rewound it a few times on my first viewing.Ā
Plus Thomas being more concerned about the blinds than Patton. My type of humor. And Roman actually gets to use his sword for once, good for him!Ā
(Funny enough as I typed this the video got to that part at the exact same time so I got a nice little laugh again)Ā
Which brings up my next point: Logan getting yoinked after Patton skips his dialogue. No one talks about how he does his little impression of that philosopher, am I the only one who found that utterly adorable?Ā
Let Logan geek out over philosophers please. He clearly loves it so much.Ā
Then we get to Roman believing heās the one responsible for everything, wanting to give up the driverās seat to Patton. And just⦠This exchange of dialogue:
Thomas: āRoman, I only mean well when I sayā¦ā Thomas: āThat that is the stupidest thing you have ever said.ā Roman: āOh Thomas, youāre just blowing smoke.āĀ
I donāt know why I enjoy this so much but I do. Give me more of this. I crave it now.
And I just need to make a whole post about Patton in this video, there is so much to unpack with him alone.
Looking back and noticing that Thomas only starts listening to Logan after heās been replaced by Deceit kinda hurts.Ā
Speaking of which, can we appreciate how much better Deceit has gotten at impersonating Logan? Looks like he took Romanās advice and focused on the little things. Good for him.Ā
Alright, one of my absolute favorite parts from this episode and where things really start to shine: Patton freaks out and turns into a giant frog because heās so desperate to have an answer for them he flips and honestly, sounds a little crazy. Which, I donāt know why but I find it both menacing and hilarious at the same time?Ā
Also the fact he turns into a frog because he was talking about Frogger earlier, nice touch! (And Lilypadton thatās so cute)Ā
Then we get probably the single greatest character entrance in the history of character entrances. We find out that Deceit finally reveals himself and steps in to stand up to Patton and get him to see how his actions have been having a negative effect on Thomas.Ā
The way his voice changes from Loganās to his own, his music kicking in, āThe Lord of the Liesā oh my gosh itās all just perfect! Also Romanās āReptilian Rapscallion! Reptilian Rapscallion! Weāve got a code yellow!āĀ
And if I may: Roman: āWhat have you done with Logan?!ā Deceit: āNothing at all and I resent the question.āĀ
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM YOU SNEK?!Ā
(in all honest probably nothing but what if)Ā
Important to note here that Roman instantly begins defending Patton from Deceit as soon as he accuses him of misleading Thomas. This goes to show just how much Roman views him as a villain. Or in other words: Patton, good. Deceit, bad. A viewpoint he continues to hold onto until the end of the episode, which also deserves itās entire post because we all know how much turbulence that caused within the fandom.Ā
And to the observant eye, youāll notice that the cane (or staff) Deceit uses is the same one that dragged Logan off screen.Ā
Frog puns. That is all.
I just, I love Deceitās dialogue throughout this scene. Itās stuff I need to hear and tell myself on a regular basis. And Iād honestly rewatch this part (along with the rest of what Deceit and Logan say later on in the video) because itās all something I need to also teach myself. But this aināt meant to be a personal post so Iāll just move on.Ā
Deceitās walk towards the camera. I donāt know why. Itās so smooth. Heās amazing. I love him. Snekā¦Ā
I have problems donāt @ me.Ā
Also no one is mentioning the reference to that one āTurn based rpgā short that Thomas made with his friends and I find that sad because itās a neat and fitting reference given the theme of this video. Also earlier on when the trolley problem is first brought up all the people on the bottom track are Thomasā friends. Another neat little detail, though sadly, their digital selves perished.Ā
PETER SINGERĀ
Logan doesnāt seem to like Deceit much, not outright hate him or anything, but itās more like he just tolerates him but doesnāt seek to get on good terms with him. Which is a shame because as both parts of SVS have proven, these two have the capacity to work together. Which is why I hope Logan gets a debate episode with him as well because out of all the Sides, these two have interacted the least and that needs to be remedied (especially when theyāre my two favorites)Ā
Deceit is trying to make Roman understand, but heās so caught up in this black and white thinking that he disregards everything Deceit says! Why? Because the last time he tried to hear Deceit out he was reprimanded. (In other words, I relate to Roman so much in this that it hits a little too close to home and Iām definitely making a separate post about this.Ā
Deceit: *confused* Trees? And Iām so glad I found out Iām not the only dunce who thought Deceitās name was going to be written on his handā¦Ā
But seriously this whole moment, with the buildup, Deceitās reluctance to share his name, the music, Iād put it up there with Virgilās āI was one of themā for best Sanders Sides scenes.
Also, Deceitās name is Janus! I was a little iffy about it at first, but since I didnāt ever really have a prediction for his name, I wasnāt disappointed and the name is growing on me.Ā
And then, the moment of trust is immediately ruined by Roman laughing. Dude, come on. (again though, post for another time because I understand where Roman is coming from here)
In all seriousness though I just love the last bits of this episode. The emotion, the angst, it doesnāt hold back and I appreciate the team taking things a step further than normal. Usually, moments like this are followed up by a joke to play it off, but they donāt do that after Roman sinks out. They stay in the moment until itās had time to sink in. I wish the episode had ended a little more somberly, but I think this is a good step in the right direction. Showing that there wonāt always be a 100% happy conclusion to things. Sometimes you need to take time in between to figure things out.Ā
This line: āDo you think thereās a limit to how many times someone can say sorry before you have to admit that theyāre just bad for you?ā This line is so important to me within the context of the episode and outside of it. I wonāt get too personal but I will say that I was raised to believe that if a person wronged me in any way, that if they said sorry, I had to forgive them. Even if they did the same thing over and over and over again. As long as they apologize, you have to forgive them and move on. And that has messed me up in so many different ways, especially when those people are family.Ā
Janus sums it up best with āIt dependsā because yes, some people make the same mistakes again and again. But thereās a difference between someone trying to change and accidentally falling back on old habits, and someone taking advantage of your āforgivenessā that they continue to do those hurtful things because they know they can get away with it and not have to change.Ā
Also, while itās totally fine for people to dislike Patton, I canāt understand how anyone could watch this episode and claim that heās still the same as he was at the beginning of SVS Part One because he has changed. He has finally realized just how much heās been hurting Thomas, and even Roman. He sinks out at the end to apologize to him, he recognizes his faults, and heās seeking to make amends. He wants to do the right thing here, and keep in mind that recently a lot of his views (which are also Thomasā views) have been flipped on their heads and they both need to rethink some things. Itās part of growing up and becoming your own person.Ā
I need to make a whole post about the more personal things that I got from the last three episodes (excluding Asides) because thereās just so many important things these episodes teach and I feel the need to address them.Ā
Also everyone sleeping on the fact that Leslie Odom Jr. just casually makes an appearance and attempts to start a pilot episode for his own series āOdom Sidesā which I wish him luck on. He just wants to be in the room where it happens.Ā
Everything Patton did was for Thomas, so he wouldnāt be left in the dark again. He promised to keep fighting but ultimately, ended up fighting himself. Am I deep yet?
āThose imperfections donāt make you any less worthy of loveā can you tell how much this episode means to me yet?Ā
Janusā āIāll take care of him.ā Ack, he just cares so much⦠My gosh⦠Where did this character come from and what did he do with the slimy boi? (I mean that in two different ways)
Oh, there he is. Thatās my boi.Ā
āThere are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway.ā āThere are much less barbaric, much more fun, forms of sabotage.āĀ
Parallels? Maybe? What the heck I love Janus whether heās encouraging Thomas to look after his mental health or plot his schemes in the shadows. Do I trust Janus? Oh heck no, of course not. There is something suspicious going on here and I both love it and hate it. More on that in a different post though.
āYouāre not stuck with an evil snake boi. Youāre just stuck with a snek boi.āĀ
Yes Thomas, continue to overthink every little issue until it results in a mental breakdown. Hm, sounds like what someone with anxiety does⦠I suppose thatās why this series exists.Ā
Okay call me a bad person but I almost always space out during Thomasā messages to the viewers at the end of the videos. I donāt know why but I cannot focus on them to save my life and usually end up skipping past them to get to the end card. I dunno, maybe because it takes me out of the moment? Especially during episodes where they don'tā address the audience at all and then suddenly āOh yeah! This is a Youtube series lolā it just feels out of place in more story driven episodes like this one.Ā
Okay am I the only one thatās kinda creeped out by Lee and Mary Lee? I dunno they just seem, off. Like if they were characters in a horror movie theyād be that overly nice couple that turn out to be the killers. Those are the vibes they give me. Maybe itās because I have zero people skills due to being homeschooled all my life and the only social interaction I get is with coworkers so I dunno. They still creep me out. They creep me out more than Remus. And he legit freaked me out for a bit before he stole my heart. (I suppose this means I need to make a separate post about these two because I do have some opinions about whether or not it was a good idea to actually include them at the end. When I said I had too many thoughts about this episode I meant it)
And if the end card is any indication, Iām going to assume that the Sides are invisible to everyone except Thomas. Unless theyāre just āobservingā and not even Thomas can see them at this point, given he shows no indication of seeing or hearing them there. Maybe they get to choose when theyāre visible? Or Thomas does? I dunno, the rules of this universe have never been clearly stated and are inconsistent.Ā
I didnāt expect Patton to be the first to accept Janus, and Iām kinda glad I was proven wrong. It does seem fitting with Pattonās growth and I liked their little moment at the end.Ā
And that wraps up my commentary. I hope you found something in this mess of, things. I plan to go more in depth with my separate posts which Iām going to have fun writing, so be on the lookout for those!Ā
Also at the time of writing this I now have 63 followers?! Thank yāall so much! I never thought this blog would get this far and Iām so glad it did because Iām having a lot of fun with it and hope to bring out more content regularly! Again, thank you!!
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03/10/2020
Maryās Rock, Virginia
Today is the first time Iāve ever taken a sick day when I wasnāt actually sick. Well, I should revise that. I may not have been sick in the traditional sense, but I certainly wasnāt well.
Yesterday was my 24th birthday. I had a panic attack for the first time since moving up to DC. Iām not 100% certain what specifically set it off, but I could make a pretty decent guess. I am unhappy with where I am in life, but I also lack the mental an emotional strength to do anything about it. Iāve been fairly aimless for a while. I feel like a jellyfish, floating through the sea, relying on the currents to direct its course. Sure, itās surviving, but lacking a brain and the power of locomotion, itās surprising to think theyāre even alive in the first place.
I went to kickboxing yesterday, something I havenāt been doing all that often lately on account of my injured hand. Iffy was there and wanted Laura and I to join her for a sparring session. Normally, these are the days I would live for. I love and respect Iffy so much, and every chance I get to work with her is such a gift, but yesterday just was not my day. For my first round, I got paired up with Cruz. Cruz is tall and hits hard. This was not my warm-up round of choice. To be honest, the round wasnāt too terrible, but little things were building up here and there. After getting a kick checked, I was reminded of a pain I had been experiencing on the top of my right foot. I was getting pummeled in the short range, and every time I wanted to step back for some space, Iffy was right behind me pushing me back in. It was too much, and after a facing a few more rounds with rapidly decreasing success, I gave up. Tears streaming down my face, I decided to go home.
As soon as I left the gym, I broke. It was dark out, I was alone, and I was free to sob. It took all of my might to hold myself together when I got a call from my dad, but that moment of restraint only made what poured out of me next even more intense, more unstoppable. After what felt like a long, long time, I gained the strength to grab my anxiety medicine, the one that was for emergencies only and that I hadnāt used since it was prescribed. Then, I was calm. Drained, but thankful, I went to sleep, knowing that I had to go on a hike the next day like my life depended on it. I know my sanity did.
This morning, I told a nervous fib to my boss, not giving away the true reason for my absence that day. But all went well, and soon I was off, driving against the morning rush hour traffic that lead into the city. An hour and fifteen later, I was at the modest roadside trailhead, ready to clear my head of the events from the night before.Ā
As cliche as it sounds, today was just what the doctor ordered. The weather was perfect - sunny but crisp. My new trekking poles just came in the mail, and I was psyched to test them out. This was definitely the place to do it, too. What lie ahead were four and a half miles of nearly unrelenting uphill trail and the inverse on the way down. I had hiked this trail once before almost exactly a year earlier and barely made it up alive. Given, I was also going through a major cut for my first Muay Thai fight and was severely low on energy, but itās hard to judge how much that actually played a factor. I wanted to be safe.
To my absolute delight, the trekking poles worked like a dream, and I was able to coast right on up the mountain with minimal difficulty. As I reached the top, I felt brand new. The wind blew strong on my face as I perched myself on a rock a little past the popular overlook area, and with a smile on my face, I breathed in deep.
My mental health has been a little shaky as of late, but I am very grateful that I have the mountains nearby to bring me back to earth when Iām at my worst. Therapy is the best therapy, but the great outdoors are a solid second best <3
9 mi, 2600 ft
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*deep sigh* So...uh...about the November story update...*deep breath*. Damnitallholyshitwhatthefuckisallofthisinformation. Iāll provide my insight into this topic, along with the traitor talk once more (featuring āDarknessā and their bullshit). Iāve been putting this off for so long, so...RIP I suppose.
Warning: Heavy KHUX spoilers will be discussed, featuring my thoughts and speculation. You have been warned. (Also thereās a lot of stretches and lousy evidence, but I wanted to bring this into light...)
Hereās my general opinion right now:
*yells loudly* I donāt think Lauriamās on our suspect list!!!
Before yāall get a pitchfork and stab me to death until I bleed out or something (I dunno either), hear me out.
Iāll lend you what I got gathered here. Itās a mess, but itās something, better than nothing.
()()()
For the KHUX story update that occurred during October, a mysterious figure approached the scenes, going by the name āDarknessā (which is stupid. Who thought that name would be a great addition to the game???).
Although I have no experience with the Japanese language, a few Twitter accounts who I was able to stumble across by, were able to provide valuable information. I wonāt be providing names, just in case the infoās false.
Anyways, āDarknessā has a specific speech pattern that is apparent, exclusively to the JP version. The figure uses the pronoun of āoreā, which Marluxia/Lauriam donāt seem to use, where instead they use ābokuā? Though I think the other guys use āoreā. (So in all honesty, I had Lauriam crossed off my list for a while now, but today let it rest to bed.)
Even though I probably look like a Blaine stan (...I never thought Iād say that out loud...Iām never going to say that again...), Iām going to point the finger of blame, as the traitor and murderer of Strelitzia, at...*looks at smudged hand*...Brain. (Wow, what sort of timeline is this where I use his āofficial nameā...oh well one step a time to sever bonds I suppose to spare myself the pain) Itās odd, I know, but hear me out.
()()()
*lifts up glasses* So, this is where I get into the nitty gritty, what-the-fuck are you on Echo, speculation things. This is more of a personal-level thing and I know Nomuraās going to do something to catch us off guard with the element of surprise. Thatās why weāre going to think like him for a minute.
In all honesty, it could be Ven as the traitor right? I know a lot of people jumped onto this, as soon as Lauriam brought up the whole āsisterā thing (with the translations being all iffy. Maybe in a year weāll find out, who knows). I can definitely see this happening, but I find it quite odd...
Iām aware of the fact that Ven didnāt seem to know what āShift Prideā was (and his reaction to it was kinda...unnerving). Iāve also already brought this up in the past, but:
(The Union Leaders all come in order, except for Brain and Ven.)
I donāt understand why theyād have everyone else in order, but huh. Something's off.
However, Ven does bring up meeting Master Ava (and I really hope it isn't him) and he was against 'Shift Pride', so I trust him.
()()()
Next up on our list, we have Lauriam. Since the story update for November introduced Elrena/Erlena (oh gosh itās the Blaine/Brain situation all over again. I dunno what the official teamās gonna go for, but I have a bad habit of sticking with the ālā names, so fuck yāall), we have...quite a batch here. Since the script was being vague and everything, we donāt know exactly who Strelitziaās older sibling is.
I mean...if it was his own sibling, then Lauriam has to go to the time-out corner for murdering your own family member (if he did do it). If it was Elrenaās relation to Strelitzia, then thatās a different story.
Based off the subtle interactions we got, Lauriam seems to have some sort of relationship to Strelitzia, going to the extent of interacting with another fellow Keyblade wielder for the sake of it. I know itās probably a far too gap to reach for, but I want to believe that these two are partners working behind the scenes to crack down who the traitor/murderer is.
()()()
This is where I bring up the official art (yāknow, like an idiot who analyzes everything).

Interestingly, Ephemera (if you flip the image, heās leaning to their direction and his eyes are focused over to their direction so shhh it counts), Skuld, Ven, and Lauriam are all looking the same way to the left! Meanwhile, Brain and the hooded figure (which I assume is Elrena) are facing the opposite direction. (I dunno how Chirithy fits in this honestly...so uh...)
This is the stretch of the century (and Iām 99.99% sure Iām wrong), but notice how the hooded figure is slightly looking downwards, their chin down. We canāt see what their eyes are focusing on too well (and I might as well be blind), but itās possible that Elrena is looking down upon Brain (damn it. Or onto the flower...eh...). Maybe she knows that Brain has something to do with her/Lauriamās sisterās ādisappearanceā.
To add onto the above further, itās possible that the others do learn of a traitor in their midst. However, theyāre all blinded by their own doubts and beliefs, making them face the wrong culprit. Meanwhile Brain faces the other direction and smiles widely (...I just noticed he's the only one with his mouth open), knowing theyāll assume itās someone other than himself. (And then Elrena kicks his ass. I dunno.)
()()()
And just for fun, the other day (sometime back in filler hell) I scrambled up Brainās name and got āBinarā. I was curious so I looked it up to see if it meant anything or if there was anything at least related. Well, *slides in* itās possible that it could also mean ābinaryā (just remove the āyā, just like Ephemer with the word āephemeralā). āWhat the fuck does binary have to do with anything???ā you may ask. Heh...so it was recently confirmed that the Keykids are all linked to the data world, and yāall know what codes for data? Binary numbers...binary code to be more precise! (Maybe he has some sort of extra knowledge of the data in the worlds??? Or he could just be in complete control???)
I really dunno what else to add here, since itās odd, but it may as well be a coincidence that I picked up on by mistake. Maybe weāll bring this up again another day, once we have more information at our disposal.
()()()
Read up on this.
If you already read my little mess of speculation on nobility at the bottom of that post, then weāre good!
Anyways, if we follow the idea that Brain is the traitor, then what were his motives in the first place? For crying out loud, he really doesn't seem like he gives a shit about the meetings (as seen below).
Books, huh? Based off of this phrase alone, it's possible that he's looking for something, something related to information and possibly exclusive to the chambers. He's also seen being impatient and hurries to leave once he believes the case is settled, only to be stopped. (Or he just wants to read and avoid social interaction...mood.)
Maybe he wants something more than that. So what is 'nobility'? By definition it's: "the quality of being noble in character, mind, birth, or rank."
I already went over this in the previous post and I brought up that he could be of noble blood, but something most likely went wrong, horribly. Adding to the fact, that his name also means 'son of the judge' and/or 'high/noble'. So why would he have killed Strelitzia off? What could he have gained from that???
*tips hat* I...I'm not too sure either. There's countless possibilities (and we're dealing with Nomura for crying out loud). Besides information, I really don't see what else he can gain.
So how does 'Darkness' fit into this? I'm also not sure either, since we know barely anything of them in the first place. Maybe some undercover...
(I'm too tired and I keep forgetting where I'm trying to go with this...it's driving me nuts.)
()()()
Feel free to add anything, I was kinda in a rush while writing this, so I'm all over the place!
#kh#kingdom hearts#khux#kingdom hearts union x#kingdom hearts union cross#kh union x#kh union cross#union x#union cross#kingdom hearts x#kingdom hearts chi#kh x#kh chi#x#chi#blaine#brlaine#lauriam#strelitzia#elrena#my posts#kh speculation#speculation#long post#šš#(i'll add 'read more' to lessen up the space cuz i'm on mobile right now)#khux spoilers#this probably sounds really hypocritical to my other post#hhhhh
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Jane the Virgin 1x11 Chapter Eleven
Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments.)
Stray thoughts
1) I get that Young Janeās heart was in the right place, but by writing that letter she was deceiving both her mother and her grandmother and robbing them of the change to work things out on their own. They really needed to talk it out.
2) Oh, wow, Xiomara was on point, she knows her daughter too wellā¦
XIOMARA: I don't want the fact that you didn't have this textbook family to make you go after something that maybe isn't right.
3) And it feels Jane is going to approach the dinner with Rafael and her mom in the same way⦠Sheās going to coach Rafael into acting in a way that would satisfy her mother, right? Instead of letting them actually get to know each other and hope her mom comes aroundā¦
4) Of all the things going on in this show, this is by far the most unbelievableā¦
NUN: This is because I'd like to offer you a permanent job.
JANE: What?
NUN: Another teacher is pregnant. We thought you could trail her until you graduate and then cover her maternity leave. Then when she comes back, you can take yours with the promise of a permanent position in our Middle School when you return.
JANE: Wait, is-is this about the Jane the Virgin coins?
NUN: No, Ms. Villanueva. This is because the students gave you the highest score on your teacher evaluations.
Iām sorry, but this so far-fetched! I am a teacher, okay? Jane was doing her teaching residency, she hasnāt even graduated yet, right? On top of that, she has a full-time job, sheās pregnant, and she has all this personal drama going on which keeps her busy most of the time. Itās surprising she even managed to get through the student teaching assignment without failing spectacularly ā thereās a lot of lesson-planning to do, materials to be prepared, notes to read, reports to write, and so on.
Moreover, the fact that youāre likable doesnāt mean youāre a great teacher. I donāt care how talented you are and how hard you study, you only learn how to be a good teacher in the classroom, and it takes YEARS. Jane is hardly there yet.
5) So, Jane is getting not only one but TWO amazing job opportunities she didnāt ask for and she hasnāt earned⦠Color me skeptical.
6) And now sheās being welcomed into the writersā room? And theyāre asking her for ideas? And they write her ideas into the show immediately? And sheās gullible enough to believe all of that could actually happen?
7)

8) And the second Rafael goes off script, he fucks it up.
9) Oh, I wish Xiomaraās dislike of Rafael wasnāt made to do with the fact that Michael confessed he still loves Jane. There are plenty of other reasons that justify why sheās entitled to feel iffy about their relationship, you know?
10) Petra opened up to Lachlan, but Iām not sure heāll help her?
11) Why exactly did Xiomara go see Rafael? Just to tell him how much she doesnāt like him? It doesnāt seem fair. I have to admit, though, that even if she does seem a bit irrational Iām siding with her. He makes a good point when he says that Xiomara doesnāt really know him. But Jane doesnāt really know him either, and thatās the point.
12) Look, I love Rogelio, but he really needs to stop with these schemesā¦
JANE: Did you tell the writers to act like they liked my idea?
ROGELIO: Uh are you enjoying your new job?
JANE: Rogelio, did you?
ROGELIO: Yes, I did. But it was to give you confidence. You said you didn't know if you'd be any good at writing. And believing in yourself is the hardest part.
13) So, this is Xiomaraās strategy to prevent Rogelio from wanting to bone herā¦

But it didnāt workā¦

14) Now, thatās a turn-offā¦

Iād also go celibate after that.
15) Magda doesnāt trust Lachlan, and at first, I was like āyes, Magda, me neither!ā, but then I remembered what Magda has done and maybe I should trust Lachlan if she doesnāt? Iām confused!
16) And this, among other things, is why Rogelio is my favorite characterā¦
ROGELIO: I don't like it.
JANE: What?
ROGELIO: Well, I'm sorry. You asked me to be honest. You said it was important.
JANE: Yeah, yeah. It is, but what did you not like about it exactly?
ROGELIO: Well, a pirate would never say these things.
JANE: Oh, okay. I mean, do you know a lot of pirates or⦠?
ROGELIO: And second and most importantly, telenovelas are all about drama. You know yelling, crying, scheming. And there's none of that in here. I'm sorry. Are you angry?
JANE: No. I mean, it stings, but I wanted you to tell me the truth. I have to make a decision. I just really loved writing it. I mean, I got butterflies.
ROGELIO: Well, that is important. You know, passion is important.
JANE: Yeah, but if I'm not talented ā
ROGELIO: Oh, stop. Every new skill takes time. You can't expect to be an expert overnight.
I think he taught her a very valuable lesson. She was asking for his honesty but she was secretly hoping she would only get praise. Not only that, but he also gave her valuable feedback ā she was clearly not writing in a style suitable for the genre, telenovelas. But the most valuable advice is what he tells her last ā you canāt expect to be an expert overnight. She didnāt get it right the first time, so what? Now she knows what she needs to improve to make her piece better.
17) Oh, Michael completely misread the situation and now he actually has incriminating evidence to frame Rafaelā¦

18) Uh-oh, Jane fell asleep while drivingā¦
19) Awww, the butterflies she felt were the baby kicking!!! Thatās so sweet!
20) So, Xiomara told Rogelio about the chastity vow, and OF COURSE, he was totally supportive. But she didnāt mention the fact that sheās remaining celibate UNTIL she gets married. Iām sure Rogelio wouldāve dropped to his knees and proposed right there.
21) Uh-ohā¦

Iāll guess weāll meet Milos soon.
Oh! On second thought, Iām thinking Lachlan left Petra the tulips, right? So that he can manipulate her and make himself the hero?
22) I actually felt kind of sorry for Michael, and also kind of agreed with him?
MICHAEL: Seems kind of like a sign, you know? You and me in the same hospital. At the same time.
NARRATOR: It felt like a sign to Jane as well. Only, a different one.
JANE: Michael, you're not waiting for me, are you? For us?
MICHAEL: Of course I am. I love you, Jane. I love you now, and I'll love you forever. And whatever's going on with you and Rafael, it's not gonna last.
JANE: You're wrong.
MICHAEL: Really? So you're trying to tell me that, at the end of the day, that's who you see yourself with? Rafael?
JANE: Yes, that's who I see myself with.
23) Oh, Nadine, thatās cold and mean! Turning in your partner just because you think heās in love with something else and not you?
24) Alba came clean about pretending to be unconscious while Xiomara prayed, and it all led to them finding out Jane had been written āapology lettersā in Xiomaraās name all her life, apparently. But thereās no confrontation about this?
25) Also, Jane chose the teaching job, but I hope that doesnāt mean sheās giving up writing just yet. The fact that sheās not talented at writing telenovelas doesnāt mean that sheās talented at writing, you know? She just needs to find what sheās good at.
26) Oh, thatās nice! They had the head writer encourage Jane, even if they didnāt keep her scene in the show.
27) YES! I WAS RIGHT!


28) I love jokes about my professionā¦



29) So she finally decided to take the internship because Dina complimented her writing.
30) What are these two up to? Why were they interested in keeping Jane around and why does Nicholas want to ruin Rogelio? I mean, Iām guessing thatās what he means when he says āRogelio wonāt know what hit himā. And how are they going to use Jane against him?

I agree, Rogelio.

Also, Iām disappointed in myself because I bought the good guy routine Nicholas put on? I actually thought for one second that Jane and him would make a nice couple?Ā
31) So⦠this was an episode, I guess? It was okay-ish, but I donāt feel it really moved the stories forward in any significant way, apart from the cliff hanger at the end, maybe? It felt kind of filler-ish, you know?
32) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if youāve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!
#Jane the Virgin#JTV#Gina Rodriguez#Jane Villanueva#Rogelio De la Vega#Rafael Solano#JTV recap#JTV 1x11#mine#MTVSwatches
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24 Hours [PREVIEW]
Pairing// JeongUk&&Y/N
Genre// Angst;+TBD
A/N// This is inspired by the song [24 Hours] by Mayu Wakisaka. For those of you viewing this on web, you can play the song on the playlist found on my blog, incidentally, this song also inspired the current name of my blog. Those on mobile, can find this song on youtube, spotify, and iTunes. Itās a beautiful song. I hope you guys enjoy the story that came about from it.
also did yall notice that i done diddly did a thing with the choice of this song/prompt and group/member ahahahahaha STAN 24K FFS catch the word count of the complete being 24k too ohmylort if it is... Iām already at 8k[ffs... my bias is showing]
Thanks for reading!
āThereās so much I want to say. So much I want you to know. I just want to tell you everything. Have no secrets and just bare it all. I... I know you know that I keep things to myself, but I want to be able to talk to you about these things. I feel like I can. I know I can. I just I donāt even know where to begin.ā
I stayed quiet for a moment. āWell... start at the beginning.ā
āI- okay.ā he took another long swig of the coffee before taking a deep breath and looking up at me. āIt all started 2 years ago. I... I met someone. A girl.ā
I nodded. I knew this story.
Our story.
āThe first time I saw her...ā his eyes shifted down to the mug again with a smile. āI remember it was at that dance club downtown. She was there with her friends.ā The corners of his mouth lifted into a full grin, his eyebrows perking up. āThe way she looked in that little black dress she had on... Everyone was looking at her. Everyone. No joke, I knew from the get go she was out of my league. A girl like her? Never in a million years would she even think of a guy like me.ā he tapped his forefinger against the mug handle. āFor some divine reason, she caught me staring at her and she stared into my soul. With these gorgeous, doe eyes that put honey to shame. I thought she was going to kick my ass or sent some goon my way, but you know what she did?ā he shook his head, incredulous at himself, but looked up at me for an answer.
āShe smiled.ā we said, in unison.
His eyes met mine once more, āAnd then I couldnāt see anyone else. All I could see was her. I was lucky enough to be able to buy her that first drink. On heaven when she accepted the second. I thought I had to be dreaming when she agreed to dance with me.ā He tsked. āSee, I never ask other people to dance with me. Iām a solo dance type of person. No one else can ever match my rhythm. But she did. We danced for what must have been hours. Right up until the DJ played the last song. That slow song.ā He reached his hand out, and I instinctively reached mine out to hold his. āDo you remember?ā
āHi Hello.ā I said. It had held such a strong memory for me, how perfectly the lyrics matched our situation. Our story.
āItās funny, isnāt it? The irony of that songā¦ā his thumb began to rub the back of my hand. āI remember thinking how cheesy it was, and how she probably thought I was such a dork for agreeing to dance it. Ā But I didnāt care. All I wanted was to make the moment last. And Iāve managed to make it last for this past year and a half.ā
āWanna know something?ā He nodded, his eyes now focused on our intertwined hands. āYou know, around a year and a half ago, I met a guy at that very club. I saw him as soon as I walked in. I donāt know exactly what it was, but my eyes went directly towards him. He looked so cool, so sure of himself. Like he was in his element. He seemed so⦠untouchable.ā I could feel his hand become a little stiff within mine, but I continued. āAnd I liked it. Everything about him. I thought about different ways to go up to him. Talk to him. Ask him to dance. Buy him a drink, but anything I thought up made me think that maybe Iād come off as too desperate. I didnāt want to be too obvious, so I tried my best to play it cool. Me, cool.ā I laughed at the dumb thought. Iād always been the biggest dork to ever set foot into any place. āSo, when Jen said he was looking over, I just thought it was at her, or at one of the other girls. I mean, I felt a little iffy by it if it just so happened he was looking at one of the other girls, but then again who was I to be that way? And⦠so I looked at him. And he was looking at me⦠I was so relieved that I ended up accidentally smiling at him. And then he asked to buy me a drink. What was it again?ā
āRum and Coke.ā he managed.
āA rum and Coke.ā I nodded. He raised 3 fingers with his other hand. āYes, three of them. I gotta say, the alcohol gave me the confidence I needed to dance with him. I thought God was really on my side that night. And whenā¦ā I could feel tears prickle at the edges of my eyes. Ā āWhen that last song played and we danced⦠I felt like one of those girls from a movie. I swear we were the only 2 people in the world during those 3 minutes, and that was all I needed. When it was over, I swear, I couldnāt give him my number soon enough. I wanted to see him again, even if I had just seen him not even 5 minutes before. Iām never going to forget the message he sent that night.ā
[...]
#24k#24k jeonguk#kpop#kpop fanfic#kpop fanfiction#kpop scenario#kim jeonguk#monsta x#monbebe#24u#seventeen#carat#nct#nct u#nct 127#nct dream#nctzen#24k cory#24k kisu#24k changsun#'24k jinhong#24k hongseob
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Episode 5 -Ā "I'm like Queen Karishma at this point!" ~Daniel
Tribal Immunity:Ā https://hollowbastionsurvivor.tumblr.com/post/630458057024061440/tribal-immunity-5
I apologize, Colin. I could have and would have, saved you with my idol. Will I see you soon? Likelihood high. Colin, you deserved better. š„°š
Kevin volunteers to be the Hero. He wins and gains a legacy advantage
Results:Ā https://hollowbastionsurvivor.tumblr.com/post/630460723548553216/hero-challenge-results
Colin, you deserved better. I feel I should have gone with you to protect you. I'll see you soon? Thanks for being helpful and friendly. I do not want a merge, nor do I want to go to 2 (or 3) tribes. I also believe I am at the bottom, even with "power." I do not know, though. Glad Kevin won. I have (bad) theories, but I know nothing at this point. (I feel I am like Alice in season w/e with Santa.)
UMMM THAT WAS QUICK. Kevin is really killing it. Defs need to watch out for him .. itās really hard to tell who is working with who.
~~~~~
Emma starts an alliance with Ellie and Jessica. Ellie considers giving Emma her immunity idol
at this point i don't have much to confess i'm not gonna lie to you all. it's pretty cut and dry. we don't go to tribal at all. i don't think we know what tribal is at this point. the other tribe is like nothing? three people? idk guess we'll see what happens with merge (:Ā
~~~~~
Emma considers giving Ellie or Jessica her immunity idol. Emma suspects a swap instead of a merge next round
Tonight will be interesting. Speculation of merge or 2/3 tribes. I feel I am on the bottom, but again, I do not know what is going on. I am having fun anyway. š¤·āāļøšš As King Elliot once said, "Magic doesn't come from talent. It comes from pain."
Welppppp, Colin got the boot in the Nobody tribal. I canāt say I didnāt see that coming. Iām so happy that Kevin got us immunity last night! I really need to get one of these advantages that come with these immunity challenges, but Iām just glad to still be in the game. Part of me really wants to go to tribal if only to get Emma out, but I also know that would be a shitshow because sheād lose her mind and probably take us all down with her lol. Iām thinking the merge is gonna be happening ASAP. Iām nervous for individual immunity challenges because it seems I keep getting second place no matter what the challenge is š«Ā
I hilariously don't have much to say about this last go because it was over before I could read the post šššš but I will say it's concerning how quiet it has been. I am hoping it's just because people are enjoying the time off since we keep dominating. Oh I'm not surprised that Colin went home after the mutiny and being down numbers. He wanted it spicy though.
Adaora does not trust Jessica. Emma swears to Jessica that Adaora can be trusted the most out of everyone on the tribe
Not much to confess from the last time. Iām still really iffy on the new people who mutineed. They, especially Jessica seems really untrustworthy.
~~~~~
Emma gives her immunity idol to Ellie. Ellie now has two idols.
Emma quits:Ā https://hollowbastionsurvivor.tumblr.com/post/630536465044144128/announcement-quit
~~~~~
Tribal Immunity:Ā https://hollowbastionsurvivor.tumblr.com/post/630458057024061440/tribal-immunity-5
Daniel volunteers to be the Hero and loses
Results:Ā https://hollowbastionsurvivor.tumblr.com/post/630460723548553216/hero-challenge-results
A huge mess! I cannot believed I screwed up another Challenge! I'm like Queen Karishma at this point! I was so close! The first round we both got wrong, I knew the symbol was a square, I don't know why I picked up a star! And then the second one, I knew it was smiley face, star, square, smiley, smiley! I am kicking myself so hard! I guess now it's time to see how well we trust each other.
~~~~~
Jordan wants to target Kim because of the ārewardsā he got during two immunity challenges. He tries to convince Daniel of this plan to get rid of Kim. The plan is to reassure Kim so that he wonāt play any of his ārewardsā at tribal. They donāt know that the ārewardsā were just clues to the idol hunt
I unfortunately am starting to think that my game may be over. Thereās only three of us left on the tribe, weāre all in an alliance together. Kim has two rewards that he has won from challenges so he is more then likely safe. Iām hoping me and Dan can figure out a plan to make things work but at this point in time I donāt think itās too likely
~~~~~
Kim is hesitant to target either Daniel or Jordan because he trusts them both a lot. This hesitance may cause his downfall if he doesnāt start taking charge of the vote
Tribal again, kinda disheartening. With a tribe of 3 there's no where to hide and there's a huge chance i could be going tonight, Especially because I have won both rewards so far . I just have to hope they'll keep me
~~~~~
I could be wrong and going home today, but i believe I'm the swingvote. But the problem is , i don't know where to swingĀ
~~~~~
Tribal is cancelled:Ā https://hollowbastionsurvivor.tumblr.com/post/630536465044144128/announcement-quit
So happy tribal was cancelled for us. Sorry to see Emma go, but not that sorry because it means it's not me! I think we are still tribe strong even though we threw our names under the bus... haha. Here's hoping we merge soon!
I want to start off by saying I hate when people quit, however itās hard for me not to be happy about it, we dodged a bullet today. Hours before tribal someone from the other tribe decided to quit, therefore we get to skip the vote! It was going to be a pretty ugly tribal, I have no clue what would have happened. Since we are now officially at 10 Iām assuming a merge is coming up tonight. Two of our old tribe members are currently on the heartless tribe, if they decide to work with us again, it will be 5 nobodyās vs 5 heartless and we have a game !! Who knows if they are going to be willing though, they already voluntarily left us once..Iām just so happy to have made it as far as I have this far.
~~~~~
Edgic:
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monday october 12
Ā i dont really know what to write about since nothing interesting happens often. and i donāt want to write anything hopeful since the virus is still at a critical level in the us, and election day is less than a month away which just adds to the stress and grimness, since all the polls say biden will beat trump but that exactly what was predicted on election day 4 years ago. tr*mp says if he wins, then its the will of the people but if he loses its rigged and he wonāt transfer power. they asked this mf point blank to denounce white supremacy and he told his followers to stand by. i hate thinking about all that because itās scary to think what will happening the future if heās elected again. im not saying biden is gonna solve everything but heāll do a hell of a better job than whats happening now. 45 has let 220,000 americans die from the virus, and he might join them since being diagnosed a week ago. doctors say heās fine but the same has been said about another conservative figure who was just as old as trump. it took a month for him to die, and the last time we saw 45 in public he was gasping for air. i hope he dies that way.
Ā Omarās bday was last night and I got him michael jacksonās off the wall picture vinyl. i also bought the cake, which was fantastic. his girlfriend didnāt come, which was great because i donāt know if seeing her wouldāve done to me. I didnāt drink, just smoked and we played cards. he was very fucked up off an edible i made for him, with the weed i was smoking. im so happy he liked it. he loved the cake too, which i wouldāve baked for him but that wouldāve been too much (I still need to maintain a level of deniability when it comes to my feeling for him). I didnāt sit next to him but I found myself staring when i started to smoke, as the strain I smoke, gelato, typically makes me really hungry, and really horny (its the perfect date strain). his lips looked so soft, and his hair is so cute. he says heās balding but I donāt mind. heās always going to be so handsome. his mother loves me but i donāt know how sheād feel if we were together. would she let me stay the night like she let his past girlfriends?
Ā Josh told me he lost his job at amazon because he accidentally left early. Literally probably the hardest worker in the whole damn warehouse, and they just up and fired him. he said heās gonna find a job and i think he wont ask for money because he had been pulling in a thousand a week at amazon for a while. I want to be up there, and all that needs to happen is that i need to fix my car. then find a job obviously. build some credit, build work history while staying with josh, and we can get an apartment. but Iām still kind of iffy on working. there are the obvious health reasons, and I was making a lot of money on unemployment. when they start giving more again, Iāll be saving a lot. but if i find a job, I will make Significantly less money. and then iāll start to have to pay for car insurance and rent and i want to get my teeth fixed and itās just a really stressful time right now.Ā
Ā So this week r*an haywood of ach*evement hunter and ad*m kovic of funh*us were fired from r*oster teeth, the parent company of both those properties, for engaging in extramarital affairs with fans of the companies. the first lets plays i ever watched were from ah, since 2013, back when it was classic ah with the classic lineup of geoff, gavin, michael, ray, jack, and ryan. just six guys in a room screaming at each other over min*craft or gta. I discovered funhaus when roosterteeth acquired them in 2016 or 17, and I have been hooked since then. classic lineup included bruce, james, lawrence, spoole, elyse, joel, peake, and adam. much edgier content, and an older demographic. these guys were just on another level of comedy and gaming. this past wednesday, a google drive link was posted to 4ch*n, that included hundreds of pictures taken by adam of himself nude and in lewd positions, all screenshotted by a fan he was sending them to over instagram. there were some photos of ryan as well, and some are alleging he raped a minor, but its all here-say at this point. all the members of their respective groups made tweets talking about how shocked and hurt they were (some were less than surprised and made tweets explicitly calling out adam, and some tweeted cryptic song lyrics that represented the situation well). they say never meet your heroes and over the past five years, i think thats becoming a proven point. Im still attracted to adam, even though i know heās an asshole cheater. i remember just absolutely drooling over his big arms and chest, and when burnie burns confirmed he had the biggest cock in the company, i was over the moon. well let me just say thatās the last straw for me. no more white men for me EVER. im totally done with them. its sad to see adam leave when so many of the original lineup have gone (its just james and elyse now). it really wonāt be the same now. ah will survive this, and i will just have to wait until they put out official response videos up explaining everything.
Ā itās fall now, and cuffing season is upon us. I wonder what its like to have someone that is truly invested into you, who make it their business to make you feel cared for. I want the weather to be cold soon, so i can just lay in bed all day and cuddle my body pillow and be warm, and think about my future man and all the ways iāll take care of him and all the ways heāll take care of me. i wanna make him soup and bake pies and keep him full and heāll take me to the pumpkin patch and it will be cloudy and we might even hold hands. just boys being boys. dressed nice and warm with flannels and hoodies and boots. i would even drink coffee again and weād sit at the coffee shop and hold hands to keep warm. my small hands in his big strong hands. just a thought ive been kicking around in my head.
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a briefing so i donāt have to repeat myself
My parents got divorced when I was one. HeĀ āwent on holidayā to Switzerland when I was about 6, the only contact Iāve had with him has been like through letters when weāve tried to change our names in court or something.
Iāve lived in three countries and moved house over 30 times - it sounds weird but thereās always been a good reason.
We were like the famous five kids (my cousins, my sisters and I) for years, but then my auntās a little crazy, so long story short we fell out and didnāt see them for like 8 years (side note, saw them this summer and it was weird but nice).
Uncle is batshit crazy and a psychopath, we donāt talk to him. He likes to remind my mum that he could kidnap/murder us every so often which is fun. My grandma has alzheimers (so does my great aunt), and my dadās side of the family we donāt have contact with. Everyone else just isnāt around or is dead Iām pretty sure (thatās not tragic itās just old age yk).
Umm, so, mum was determined to send us to private school, so after the divoce although we stayed in private education, she/we sacrificed a lot to get there. We werenāt poor or anything, just life was tight. That at one point led to us moving to Spain for a year (wonderful but crazy experience, I was like 6 at the time and genuinely my heart is in Spain. We have a house there in this tiny village, itās kinda the only constant Iāve had in my life.
After that we moved back to England and I went to a boarding school (very minimal boarding at first though, so easy). Had an amazing time, yada yada then my mum met my soon-to-be stepfather. Long story short again, he had a bit of money and they got married quick, it seemed great at first but he turned out to be a wackass hoe as well.
A series of unfortunate events involving us moving into my grandmaās to look after her and my batshit uncle threatening to kill our cat and kicking us out of that house led to us moving a bajillion times between holiday rentals for like a year. We then ended up moving to Shanghai, again seems incredible at first until you remember that this is the point at which he started showing his true colours and being super emotionally abusive to my mum. Shanghai also happened to be a really convenient way to isolate a person. Anyways, I got sick of it after a year because the education was shit so ended up going to the UK and going to a super uptight full-time boarding school for the next year.
Went here, homesick as shit and my brain decided it would be a perfect time (when Iām in a super intense academic and conservative environment where the only person I have in the country is my sister) for my ā§ć»ļ¾:* issues *:ć»ļ¾ā§ to manifest/me to actually understand shit. So yeah, bad year for me. This was also compounded by my mum (yk cut back to China where sheās being emotionally abused and my other sister is having a shit time) having an absolute breakdown. Idk the timing worked out great bc my shit time coencided with hers and she couldnāt cope with that on top of my homesickness and on top of her issues so this, combined with the multiple arguments that I had with her, meant that she told me to stop bothering her and so I did. We didnāt talk for weeks, and now I haveĀ ā§ć»ļ¾:* emotional scars/trust issues and our relationship has never been the same *:ć»ļ¾ā§.Ā
Anyways, she escaped by some miracle and we ended up back in England all together. This was when we returned to the flexi-boarding school (the one from before China) because it was the only one we could afford to go to. Sooo that place was super negligent and basically all I can say is that they had a really good PR team to stop all those suicide attempts within that school from going public.
Anyways, the first year was iffy, but as I said before, the issues that were becoming more apparently at the last school were kinda becoming more and more apparent (I now know itās anxiety, depression, and then a possible spicy element of ADHD that we havenāt even got to yet). There was also another issue in that Iām bisexual and I was figuring that whole thing out (this is a side note but Iām probably non-binary but thatās a whole other issue that Iām confused/in denial about), but that led to me becoming friends with basically just the queer kids in my year because all my friends stopped talking to me. At this point I started almost full-boarding again.
Then I started dating one of my friends (Draco, AFAB but confused about their gender identity). Started off sweet, but long story short we dated for a year and a half and Iāve never been more broken (tried to kermit the frogicide 3 times hehe they barely counted as attempts yeet). Uhh thereās a lot to unpack with this one but Iāll try to simplify:
They had abusive parents (physically and emotionally)
They had bipolar
They also were raped by their dad multiple times
They were super manipulative. I wasnāt allowed to be happy about anything because it made them feel bad.Ā
I wasnāt allowed to feel confident in my body because they had severe body issues. I ended up developing an eating disorder (all I ate was tea, toast after midnight and like milk and digestives).
I started self-harming.
My relationship with my sisters and mum was atrocious. It was definitely a huge part my fault, but not entirely.
As a group we were definitely very toxic. But yeah, on top of all this their best friend committed suicide, and theyād been in emotionally abusive relationships. This led to them being super suicidal. There was I think from November to February where every time they left school to go home, theyād literally try to kill themself. And Iād be stuck while theyāre messaging me the whole time saying like āsorry youāre not enough to save meā. Every night. For months I was spending my whole life literally just trying to keep them alive.
Idk if I blame them, because it was definitely their trauma that made them act like it, but some of the stuff they did was manipulative and shit. Lying to me a lot, promising theyāre telling the truth when actually lying. Constantly pushing me away, and then being mad when I couldnāt talk to them because they blocked me. Telling lies to my friends to get them to stop talking to me and then stopping me from telling my friends the truth (I wouldnāt tell them just because Draco made it seem like it would hurt Draco, and I was terrified of doing that). That sorta stuff.
I became a therapist for a lot of kids in my year, and so all that pressure of keeping like 20 kids from committing not-alive, on top of my issues just wasnāt a good look for me.
This led to as I said, the eating disorder, and also heavvyyyy dissociation. It also led to alcoholism which was just an unexpected turn. I just didnāt realise how bad all of these problems were at the time. Not a good time, a lot of loneliness, skipping lessons, that sorta thing.
Anyways, mum managed to get me out of the school (after a breakdown and an ambulance having to be called to the school because I drank too much). I did my GCSEs from home by some miracle, and she moved me to the local sixth form. I broke up with the person, and then had a few months over the summer that were life changing.
I moved to a new sixth-form, and itās been rocky and uphill and super hard but I worked my ass off and Iām in so much better of a place than I was. It was rough at the start, but basically I had a pathetic amount of CBT therapy from the NHS, and the only good thing it did for me was to let me know that 1) I hate CBT, and 2) I already managed to teach myself a lot of the coping skills in the last year.
Then corona rolled around, and my anxiety went through the roof again, depressive episodes came and went and Iām still getting no help. But yeah, it basically made me realise that sure Iāve come a long way but Iām barely holding it together. It most CERTAINLY isnāt helped by the astronomical stress levels Iām getting from my A-levels and just generally existing at the moment is hard. Iām also low-key lonely because people kind of suck (I lost almost all my friends from my old school, donāt get me wrong that was for good reason, but that doesnāt mean that it didnāt suck. But yeah, I also got into a group of people at the start that were kinda shitty and so now it can be kinda lonely because itās hard to make new friends).
My relationship with my mum has improved but itās rocky as fuck. Sheās very childish and Iām pretty sure hit the jackpot for trauma in every capacity but just pretends that sHeāS fiNe. While Iām writing this, sheās been incredible. Genuinely incredible. But also she can be one of the biggest problems in making me want to cease existing. She can be extremely manipulating and invalidating of my emotions, and generally make me feel like Iām going insane because she knows that I have no power over my life. Sheās admitted itās because she has to be in control of everything, but admitting it doesnāt mean itās not toxic. Itās one of the hardest things in my life when it gets bad.
So yeah, I think thatās most of it!
Also side note, I may have attachment issues from the constant moving schools/houses/issues with my mum/dad leaving/crazy stepdad/i completely forgot to mention my step-brother who nearly got institutionalised in china because of schizophrenia that i didnāt see after that/constant changing schools.
Also second side note, only figure out recently and Iām probably completely wrong and I canāt remember it properly because I was so young but a kid a few years older than me might have touched me up when I was younger. It wasnāt anything serious, it just made me uncomfortable when I realise. I donāt know if I want to talk about it though because thereās a part of me that wonders if I just invented this trauma to make me feel special or some shit and YES Iām aware thatās the dumbest shit to ever think but oh well. Edit: also I feel like I have no friends/they're constantly changing. Also, childhood Moreton bullying.
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drace, do you have any idea what you've done?? i'll ask for 01, 02, 04, 10, 12, 13, 21, 28, 32, 33, 39 and 50
bunder a read more bc i talk!!!! too much!!!
1. When did you first start writing?
Uh. Ok so I have two technical starts-- if you mean writing and sharing my writing, I was maybe ten or eleven, and I posted MLP fanfic to quotev and soon after got into RPing in the Hetalia fandom. If you mean writing as a hobby in general it wasssssssss grade five. We had to write short stories and I know mine was probably pretty bad (all I remember is it was some sort of retelling of the whole King Arthur mythos, or what I knew of it at age 8/9 lmao) and I really, really liked it. Which is why I still write, and also definitely a direct result of my reading habits when I was small bc I was. super far in reading as a kid to the point teachers were frustrated that I walked into grade two with my dad;s old copy of The Hobbit and could explain Harry Potter better than the student teacher. Thatās off topic, tho, but what Iām saying is Iāve always been really proud of my lit skills lmao
2. What was your favourite book growing up?
This is going to come as a shock to anyone who has spoken to me for more than five minutes but I loved The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien with my entire being growing up. I also loved this lil information book I had on beluga whales bc I had a thing for beluga whales.
4. HaveĀ you ever thrown a book across a room?
Like from reading it and getting a plot twist??? No. Iāve probably tossed a textbook to pass it to someone tho??? Usually when a book hits me with shit I close it and take a few seconds to be likeĀ āF U C Kā
10. Whatās your biggest writer pet-peeve?
From a writing standpoint or a reading standpoint??? Both. Ok both uh from a writing point I hate wanting to write, and having the motivation and time and words but when I put things down and it all feels wrong and I slowly get more frustrated at myself and my writing until I doubt if Iām even a decent writer at all. From a reading standpoint itās when authors donāt fucking use commas. they exist. use them. continue. a. sentence. for. more. than. two.. words. if. ur. not. making. a. point. (im looking at u hunger games u piece of shit)
12. Who is your favourite author?
god dont do this to me elfie shit ok uh. IāM NARROWING IT DOWN TO TOP 3 bc I really dont have a favourite???? I like authors and stories but rarely would I follow an author just for their writing.Ā
1 J. R. R Tolkien (shocking, I know)
2 V. E Schwabb (I BOUGHT ADSOM ON A WHIM AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH I preordered the collectors edition despite it coming out in like. 7 months)
3 Rick Riordan (listen i love his style of storytelling itās got quirk and its relatable in that it doesnt force jokes or sarcasm, ALSO the pjo series is??? prime for OCs)
13. Whatās your favourite writing quote?
Iām taking this a lil liberally but. Directly related to writing and story-telling, I really love this one from Varric Tethras in Dragon Age II (its also the quote that like. solidified how much he resonates with me as a character like gosh) and itāsĀ ā Thereās power in stories, though. Thatās all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine.Ā ā
And talking more liberally for creating in general, itās that longass one from RVB15 where Vic talks about creating, and that a world without stories is empty space and im tearing up typing these quotes oh gosh
21. Do you outline?
oh no. ive done it once maybe??? but that was for a class project so. i wing it and sometimes i go back and edit but mostly if i post something it was a one run thing haha
28. Which do you find hardest: the beginning, the middle, or the end?
Beginnings for sure 100%Ā
listen i can jump in and get to it and put things together and plan for them if i need to and i can wrap things up so im satisfied but???? for some reason not setting the scene up while running with it is hard for me and i always find the beginnings i rite feel awkward and clunky and i dont like that when the rest of my writing feels mmore flowy. bleh.
32. How do you feel abut friends and close relatives reading your work?
first rule of my writing is that i dont show my family because i dont. idk i just dont. thinking of showing them makes me uncomfortable and even my dad, who im close with, doesnt get to know anything bc i know heāll make it a joke and hurt me without meaning to
as for close friends im???? it depends. My online friends have seen my riting a lot, most of them I became friends with through roleplaying, so Iām super lucky to have seen that same side of them as well, and Iām always willing to show them my writing. Real life friends is.... mroe iffy. Iāve had some of them read my writing in person, and usually it makes me really anxious and flustered bc Iām a mess. the only person irl that I really trust with my writing without feeling too iffy on is my best friend but. first of all Iāve known her nearly a decade, and second of all she knew weeb me in person, and put up with that every day, so I know sheās seen me write worse. Idk immore open showing my work online thatn I am in person.
33. Are you interested in having your work published?
outside of fanfiction, Iād like to one day. Iād like to pt a story out there and have people like it and fall in love with my characters because writing means so much to me, and???? itād be fucking magical to touch someone like I was as a kid in books but first of all I canāt carry a plotline and second of all I doubt that anything I could write would be worth it. thereās always gonna be something better, and thatās fine but especially since I focus on fantasy whenever I write my Ā own ideas it wouldnāt go far.
long and short of it is Iād love to because Iād love to be able to reach out to people like authors did to me with their work as a kid, but I doubt Iād ever get there.
39. Whatās the weirdest story idea youāve ever had?
Iāve had this idea kicking around for the longest time about how the universe unravelling was an accepted problem in life and ive thought of ways to branch it in but. usually it just sits lmao
50. If you could live in any fictional world, which would it be?
Now, normally Iād sayMiddle-Earth right away, and donāt get me wrong Iād love to live there too, but at the same time, Red London from A Darker Shade of Magic is really appealing too lmao. Maybe Thedas, even???? Gosh. Iād love to live in plenty tbh
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