#also just imagine them playing minecraft together or smth

[chronicdisasterwrites]

gamer!eren boyfie: minecraft edition

dating gamer eren is exhausting and exhilarating

like i can imagine him being such an ASS when you play a game w him - if you’re a noob, he will tease the SHIT outta you, but if you’re more or less experienced he might tone it down (maybe)

when you play minecraft together he would go on the craziest raids and just teleport you to him out of nowhere with no warning, just for you to fuckin EAT DIRT-

and when you die and lose all your stuff he’ll just laugh and be like “hah noob”

although, he’ll be sweet too 🫶🏽

like he’d definitely tame a wolf and name it after you

“babe babe look at my little friend-”

if you’re new to minecraft, he’d definitely help you out along the way.

“um beb? please don’t hit me, i will actually die”

“but it’s so fun-“ he will kill you if you don’t listen and continue hitting him, don’t test out that theory 💀

he would protect you from skeletons and creepers bc bro idc how experienced you are THEY ARE TERRIFYING

if you get lost, he’d get your coordinates and go find you

and then end up getting lost himself bc he saw smth cool and you moved to a completely different place as well 🤷🏽‍♀️

he for sure made his wolf sit somewhere and ended up forgetting about the poor thing 🤡 (i did this omfg-)

jean, connie, armin and sasha would join in as well and they would just be absolute menaces

one time, your wolf accidentally killed eren’s wolf and this petty bitch STILL brings that up in arguments

no matter how much eren and jean argues, they always go on raids together and they’re actually really good at communicating and fighting together

you started to build an underwater house w armin’s help and eren got jealous so he wanted to live there as well

let’s be real, he got jealous of your house, not you and armin 😌

bc his house looks like ass

this boy thinks he’s really good at architecture but he is so basic GAWD- you let him have his moments tho

he definitely teleports you to him whenever he finds cool things tho like one time you guys were looking for a village and he ended up finding a beautiful meadow with so many flowers and he collected a bunch of flowers and threw them all at you 🥹

he’s so cute

a/n: is this taken from real life? yes 🫶🏽 also i will make more of these gamer!eren imagines bc i love gamer!eren

also, help me out bc idk if i should add the taglist to every single fic/imagine i write. should i?

[the-admin-but-dumber]

Silly little AU kinda

SrGrSo I know I usually post MCSM here but like, I LOVE Ark, it’s one of the many games I play and its definitely my favourite in terms of survival aside from minecraft. I love playing with mods and so on. Anyways I wanted to show off my most favourite tames and I guess ‘tame’ I have.

Rudy and Ech0! They’ve been with me for a few months at this rate, I’ve been playing a huge mix of mods and I was lucky to get them. 

Rock Drakes are my FAVOURITE dino on the game, they’re so fun to glide around with and are just so cool, anyways onto the AU thing. Would you call it an AU? Meh. Anyways, I started thinking about a possible Ark AU with MCSM a while ago, when in doubt use the portal network for your weird AUs and make it a new adventure. I love the portal network and its sad we only saw so much, but anyways the whole gist of the story is they get caught in the portal network and end up in a world with dinosaurs and all these funky creatures, cool right, not too special. Anyways, the portal leading OUT of the world is actually right beside them when they step through, but it is horribly disfigured and needs to be repaired. The entire worlds is inhabited by survivors and tribes who’d already long since made their claim on the world, one of these tribes attacks Jesse’s gang because well new people.       They’re rescued by this other tribe that takes them back to base on this floating rock in the sky. They’re given a run down on what’s going on with the world, all of them came from the portal network to be faced with a destroyed portal. The tribe they’re in has a pink flint and steel thats grown damaged in the years they’ve been there.      They’re told that the only way to possibly figuring out how to get home is to find all these artifacts and fight the one that basically made the realm. The world’s admin if you will, I imagined her as a dragon or one of the main boses.   They stay in the tribe’s camp for a couple days/weeks, learning how to make stuff, new crafting recipes, how to tame the dinosaurs and so on.       Kind of a list of what creatures the order mostly use. This is all really off the top of my head since I never really made a solid list. Lukas; Sabertooth Jesse/Jessie; Argentavis (?) Or Wyvern? Petra; Griffin (?) Axel; Maybe a large apex? Like allo, or Carchar, Dire Bear? Olivia; Deinonychus/Raptor Radar; Rock Drake, but def wanted a dire wolf Characters that might NOT be in the AU but could be? Jack;  Def smth that can passanger carry for Nurm (Shadowmane? He seems badass enough to successfully tame one) Romeo; Rock Drake too? Kind of had an idea that he and Radar were the ones to fall into the abberant area together. Minus the deadly radiation LOLL Xara; Also seems like a Shadowmane, or a snow owl. Ivor; Griffin maybe, he and Petra can having matching LOL (Gimme your ideas of what you think they’d have, this was just a sudden choice with not too much thought put into) Anyways, I was thinking of making this into a fanfic which could be fun, would that be an interest to read. Ark and MCSM are some of my biggest hyperfixations and I would LOVE to make content of the two games combined in this fun little AU.

[seongminiz]

pls🤭🤭 i love that for u tho sounds like a fun day! (in regards to the minecraft hehe)

plslsls jumil angel demon sandwich!! 📣📣📣 i love sandwiches :))) 🥪

i think that’d be sooo good i love soft dom juyeon and mean dom hyunjae but i def love degradation n humiliation more so if juyeon starts being mean to u too cuz he just wants to please u :((( and he loves the way he’s rewarded by the way ur body responds to him, it’s so obvious u get off to being treated like a slut and u want it sooo much more than his light feathery touches n soft kisses, u much rather have ur hair pulled and be nipped at until they draw blood, having their fingers thrusting in and out of ur cunt to the point that it hurts a little but mostly because when ur so close to orgasm ur panting and ur moans have gone silent cuz ur transcending😵‍💫😵‍💫 it’s at that point that jaehyun pulls his fingers away and ur walls clench down sooo hard around nothing, the aching pain shooting up through ur core ugghhhg pls i’m almost more obsessed with fingering than actual dicking?? lol

but also like.. so many thoughts omg. but just more of that aphrodisiac bodily fluids??lmao please?? in general i just want jumil spitting in my mouth but if it’s to intoxicate me with overwhelming desire for them??? sign me tf up!!!! ‼️‼️😩 need them to both fill me up with their enchanted cum and trap me as their little slut forever <333 making me incapable of thinking/doing/needing anything else other than their cocks at all times plsss🤭🤭😵‍💫😵‍💫 i’m going crazy(ier) i’m sooo sorry if this is too much i don’t even know what i’m thinking anymore…

so. i was thinking more about mattwoong though and i love the dynamics you’d described before where like u and matt are just silly and giggly and i imagined like.. playing tennis or smth and he’s referee and u fake a wrist injury or smth and ur all pouty like it really hurts :( so he’s like (in cahoots) oh i’ll take u to the nurse office/first aid room whatever tf come on, don’t worry!! so u both run off giggling just to fuck😩🤭 imagine you get in there and omgg.. pls matt is a head pusher.. so ur giggling and kissing and then he gives u one of those fish eye stares yk and starts pushing ur shoulder a little and ur like matt come on. rutting against him, cuz ur needy and u want to get off and he’s supposed to take care of u!! it’s all about ur needs, u don’t want to have to please him wtf, but he’s pushing ur head all whiney like please baby, want it so bad please, it’ll be so good i’ll make sure to treat you right, so you give in but ur like prissy about it a little bit, not taking him in that deep cuz u gag easily, just trying to stroke him off with your hands working everything but the tip that’s in ur mouth but he encourages you to take more, cooing and whining at u, moaning like too loudly when u take him in a bit more, he’d start fucking into ur mouth and you’d just take it cuz it actually feels so good for u too and would turn u on the way he manhandles u<333 u like seeing this side of matt that doesn’t just give U everything u want all the time, it makes u so wet to have him use u like this<333

and then also i just rly need jiwoong to stumble in and catch up two together but my brain can’t even fathom what would go down after that😶🫢

- 🧁 anon

omgggg how did i completely miss this ask 😭😭😭 im so sorry

aaaaaaaaaaa im going insaneeee •ࡇ• no bc ,, jumil making u basically addicted to them (n their cum) n keeping u as their fucktoy :(( also just . angel juyeon getting more n more corrupted the more he fucks u n spends time with u n jaehyun bc yeah ,, an angel should not be doing all that . he tries to convince himself its for ur own good , he cant leave u all alone with that depraved demon can he ? hes protecting u ! but it gets harder to excuse his actions when hes getting more selfish everyday n just wants to see u get ruined more :(

im sorry i love the mattwoong thought too but fish eye stare took me out 😭😭😭😭 i had to take a second n recover from that before continuing lmao

bsbshdbfjf matt pushing u to ur knees n when u complain bc u dont want to suck his dick (u def do but u r too proud to admit that) n being all nice n telling u 'dont worry baby, you'll get your reward later' ★_★ except he wont be nice for long bc he gets too impatient n if u tease him n dont listen what he asks then u rlly leave him with no choice but to manhandle u n get a little rougher :')

[cheemken]

I just finished reading the third chapter and

GOD

do I love the kids being kids. Iris and Hau aren’t even adults but yet they’re expected to act like one. These two fuckers still have a strong “do it for the vine” mindset that they have to keep down when in public. Also the dedication it takes to build a whole region in minecraft by themselves is astounding. I get bored after one week

Also Steven is the kind of person who would have a legitimate chest full of every kind of ore. No cheating he mined it all himself. Most likely to die from a warden though, imagine his panicking when he encounters his first one

Omf I'm so glad you like it cjmdnd

But yeah the Leagues do be a lil fucked up for letting kids just become fucking champions but hey at least Hau and Iris have each other, and the other champions are letting them enjoy their childhood wc is nice uwu

And the do it for the vines mindset😭😭🤣 that's so real tho they would recreate vines fr ncmdndmd low-key wanna draw that now too😭

And yeah holy shit y'know bc it was getting a bit long for me now I actually planned on writing in how Steven already saw diamonds and even iron while exploring the cave they found, and Hau says smth along the lines how if Steven's a pokemon he'd probs have Super Luck as an ability as he got spawned in a world w a cave and finding diamonds early on. Cynthia would be jealous w that tho she'd probs steal his diamonds and iron for herself when he's not looking and when they're playing together tho let's be real—

Hau and Steven not being equipped to fight mobs like the Wither or the Warden that they just start panicking and they call in Iris and Cynthia hahaha

[ellewords]

good luck with your studies elle!! don’t forget to take breaks every so often so you can come back each time feeling a bit more refreshed!!

i think that if kenma were on wgm he’d do well with a celebrity who’s a little more introverted but not afraid to take the lead sometimes—their fans think that one of their charms is how they’re soft-spoken but carry themself with a quiet confidence—and of course definitely down to chill and play games! i bet he gets paired with an idol or actor who likes to do that sort of stuff in their free time and once the fans catch wind of this they’re like GAMER COUPLE???? WGM IS NO LONGER WE GOT MARRIED IT’S NOW WONDERFUL GAMER MARRIAGE and they think it’s adorable how this quiet and sorta-awkward couple could beat you into the ground at video games

his partner mentions how they got a nintendo switch with animal crossing and some other games from a fan at a fansign but due to their busy schedule they haven’t had a lot of time to do anything on it until now so after kenma helps them get started they visit each other’s islands uwu

there’s several episodes where they try out different games and they’re just vibing...having fun.....the atmosphere is laid back and relaxed but not uncomfortable (bonus points if his partner has a cat or something at their apartment and it takes a liking to kenma so the fans are like congrats!! you have two cute cats now)

they’re both huge nerds so like it’d be cute if they visit a place like the pokemon cafe as well as one of the big pokemon centers in japan and they buy each other plushies of their favorite pokemons (kenma paid for his partner’s plushie and vice versa because they wouldn’t let each other pay for both of them looool)!! i bet their partner takes really cute pictures of kenma tbh and posts them

bonus 2: kuroo drops by and guests for an episode and when that episode airs he’s trending online alongside them i just know it—🌸

— from elle ! oh gosh the grin that spread across my face when i read the words “wonderful gamer marriage” pls the show renames itself that for one episode and the fans went wild hahaha i love that, truly a big brain moment from you !! anyways, I love love love all of what you sent it’s so cute aaah i'm setting my lil scenario after filming the show when their friendship is a lil more developed bec a cute idea popped into my head and i can’t get it out ;-; tysm for this !! <33

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃

“okay, yn. you’re live.” kenma mutters from behind the camera, giving you a thumbs up.

you nodded before turning your attention to the already hundreds of thousands of people watching you, an excited smile spreading across your features as you waved a hand, “hi everyone! welcome to my very first stream.”

immediately, comments started flooding in. kenma’s eyes scanned over what he could, most of them overwhelmingly positive. of course they were, it’s almost impossible not to like you. kenma already had that very thought within a couple of weeks of filming, when you apologized after beating him at mortal combat.

“sorry if things may seem a little rocky. it’s my first time doing this.” you spoke, rubbing a hand on the back of your neck, “even if i have my ex-husband here to help me out, i can’t guarantee that everything will go well haha...”

ex-husband?? what are they talking about?

omg kenma’s there??

kenma ahhh pls show your face !!

wonderful gamer marriage is back <33

“they’re looking for you.” you address kenma this time, a nervous laugh leaving your lips as he stared back at you all wide-eyed. he didn’t think you’d mention him so early on in the stream.

“i'm not here.” he mouths back, shaking his head just a little too intensely. though truthfully, kenma felt elated when you told him that you wanted to begin streaming, how you were kinda inspired by him in hopes that you would show him the ropes. he agreed immediately, of course. then again, he practically found it impossible to say no to you.

a small pout forms on your bottom lip, “sorry guys, he told me to tell you that he’s not here.” 

awe it’s okay !!

what are you playing today, yn?

i'm so happy you started streaming !!

are you and kenma dating?? like for real??

comments continue to flood in, but a particular one caught your attention. one that had you choking on your saliva as soon as you read it, completely catching you off-guard. your gaze lands on kenma, and you could tell in the way his cheeks flushed, how he avoided meeting your eyes, that he had read the very same one.

“so, anyways, i'll be playing some animal crossing today...”

you decide to dodge the question for now. but you know you can’t run away from it forever. especially if your heart continues to beat faster each time you looked at him. 

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃

a question: how would the hq boys (specifically timeskip) act on a variety show like we got married?  |  written on the margins masterlist

taglist : @haikyuutothetop @crystal-lilac @tobioespresso @sushijimawakatoshi @itsmeaudrieee @pantherhappy @jesssobs @mysticstrawberryballoon @cloudedsky_29

join my hq taglist here. <3

[lorebird]

Can I PLEASE hear your ideas for the wof rpg

OH I’m so sorry I missed this!! YES absolutely!! For anyone who doesn’t know, that’s in reference to this artwork :0 I’ve actually got 2 large ideas that would make for. Totally different types of games....

The first is what I had in mind with that screenshot redraw + the others I’ve planned, where you can play as the dragonets of destiny and follow the main story. The other would employ the same game mechanics as the first, but you’d be able to make your own characters and explore the world from that perspective! I had botw in mind for both ideas, but the first is closer to the more linear Zelda games, while the latter is even More open (being more like Minecraft, or maybe elder scrolls games, but I’m. Barely familiar with the latter. So idk if that’s a good comparison)

As far as specific mechanics, I had a couple ideas for combat! I thought it’d make for interesting gameplay to be able to switch out which dragonet you could play as. Everything would be easier when you’ve got all the dod working together, and it’d especially ramp up the difficulty during the brightest night section of the game, since Sunny’s on her own w fewer abilities. Also like....... you get to choose to play as your fav more often if you want........ pog

Speaking of abilities! Everyone’s got basic bite and scratch moves (bite does more damage but you have to be in closer, scratch does less damage but isn’t as risky to use) as well as special abilities like their fire/poison/what-have-you. Except for animus magic, if any animus characters would end up playable, bc uhhhhhhh animus magic my detested! But I think it’d also be fun to pick up weapons throughout the game! Like,,,, running around as Tsunami with the NightWing guards’ funky spears, or Sunny with RainWing blow darts, just stuff to make combat more interesting yknow? Plus you could get your own nifty weapons for your player characters in the more open world version! Handheld weapons could do more damage, but cost stamina to use since you’ve gotta have a limb or two free. I’d also wanna create my own kinds of weaponry, like metal to reinforce claws — small worldbuilding things I feel the books are lacking :0

Anyways, on the topic of stamina! I got the idea from the soulsborne games I grew up watching my brother play, which I am admittedly only familiar with on the surface level. But I thought that with the variety of dragons you have to play as, it’d be interesting to include stamina as a stat to change around along with speed and strength! I think Sand and IceWings would have the best stamina, being dragons that have to traverse large distances between settlements, along with maybe SkyWings? RainWings are on the lower end I feel, being specialized for agile flying rather than long-distance. It affects not only fighting, but also flight — wingbeats take stamina, though gliding does not, and dragons like MudWings have to actively fly more than, say, SkyWings. But idk how prevalent I’d want this to be bc flying in games is fuckin FUN a and I wouldn’t want that mechanic to get in the way. I feel like maybe it’d only become a big concern on large flights (incentivizing landing to rest and exploring a bit) as well as aerial battle

SO anyways..... as far as the story-oriented game. I kinda think it’d be rad as hell to have multiple endings. NOW HEAR ME OUT,,,,, I fuckin love stories that change as you play them and also uhhhh funny little exploration of storylines that don’t get to happen in the books! And...... it can tie into the open-world version

My vague idea for how the story-driven and open-world versions could coexist is that you gradually unlock free play elements as you progress the story. When you reach the SkyWing kingdom, for example, you unlock the ability to play as a SkyWing! But your range is limited to a small area and there’s only a few side quests to play, up until Scarlet is out of the way. Then, in the 2nd book portion, you unlock SeaWing free play! So on and so forth until eventually, you can explore the entire continent with any tribe you like. And here’s where it ties into multiple endings. Your free play characters can live in non-canon versions of the game, like say you put Blaze as queen during the story for for kicks and giggles — you get postgame content with that to experience in free play!! I imagine it like having a file for each world, and you get to choose which character to load in as when you start playing, whether story or original. Then you can switch at any time if you feel like doing smth different!

You can also start from any previously-reached point in the story on a new world, kinda like loading in Spore on the civilization stage rather than starting at cell? If you wanna make a world where like. Peril comes with the DoD. You can start a new world that automatically loads in the canon timeline right up before Peril parts ways in book 1! BAM new pal in need of therapy

Oh god this is so many words.......... ty for coming to my funny little dragon game ted talk

[wickedpact]

overcooked!! that’s the exact game i was thinking of. while they are insanely well in sync irl i simply think overcooked is a HELL game (but i love it) and i cannot imagine things would go fantastically... at least not at first. i can totally see nicky nitpicking the cooking process (“you can’t just put tomatoes in a pot on the stove and call that soup!!!”) i do think that maybe certain duos are better at it (as much as i ADORE joenicky i do think it would be funny if they just. couldn’t figure it out together. however i want to say joe and nile could possibly be a power duo at overcooked.) i suppose on the other hand i could also see nicky being insanely good at overcooked (and nile and nicky could be another potential power duo in overcooked)

i would absolutely KILL to see the guard playing minecraft. i feel like that’s definitely smth that nile would at least Know Of? i feel like joe would love minecraft (a great outlet for creativity- i feel like he would just go Ham in creative mode- nile tells him about pixel art and he resigns himself to making a pixel art portrait of nicky.) i can totally see nicky absolutely loving farming and the animals. and andy i truly feel would have a personal vendetta against every monster. she dies CONSTANTLY because she picks fights with Every Monster. (her favorite tool/weapon is, of course, an axe.) i have no thoughts on booker. nile of course has the most knowledge of the game and probably is the most well rounded at it? i also don’t know what quynh would think of it when she inevitably returns. - 2ta

honestly yeah i kinda agree with the idea of them not loving shooter games- idk i have mixed feelings on it. on one hand it could be a good like no risk training thing for them now that andy is mortal? but at the same time i dont think it would be their go to gaming choice. i def love the idea of them playing more light-hearted and/or wackier video games more. - 2ta

!!! the unexpected OP overcooked duo is booker and nicky. no one could have predicted how well they work together. its bizzare. but yes joe and nicky cant sync up for the life of them for some reason. and andy just cant work well with any of the others. she just tries to do everything herself instead of sticking to one task

!! joe in creative mode. booker's like 'YOU GOTTA WORK FOR THE MATERIALS THATS PART OF THE GAME!!' and joes like 'fuck u. look at this replica of the taj mahal.' meanwhile andy is in a cave somewhere. no torches. she doesnt need to see to kill

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0con 2019 friday diary

Cosplayed/breakfast/snack: same as thursday diary

For future me only. preferred that you dont read this, thanks. 

Okay so we arrived at like, 10:23 or abt that time so i had some time before my first panel so i just kinda walked around. i dont think anything happened around that time, sorry. my memory of today is a lil bit hazy at parts. but while on the escalator, i looked over at registration n saw creeper print and a yellow crown n the person rly looked like king gavin n i openly Gasped but i couldnt get to them obviously but i was like gjhnsmjgh hh.

then, i went to the yoi panel! uhm.. not much to comment on for this panel, sorry. there was a viktor, yuri, and yurio! i remember there was a personality swap ask and for part of the panel, they all had switched jackets because of a dare.

next was the oh-shc panel! the honey was rly cute n gave a lot of hugs to a lot of the audience members n they were such sute hugs gjhnsm.. like the ones where u semi-leap at a person n hug em w slight movement it was so cute. kyoya said his entire budget book he brought was all for tamaki’s expenses and tamaki proposed to haruhi as a dare but earlier in the panel he was imagining outloud him n haruhi’s wedding gjhnsm

after that, i couldve went to the grav!ity falls panel or the bn-ha one, but since the bn-ha one was in the same room as the previous two, i just decided to stay in my seat for that one. the todoroki n kirishima came in late w starbucks which todoroki says was paid for by endeavor bc he had his dad’s credit card n he actually gave out 2 fake paper credit cards to ppl. aizawa got asked what the dumbest thing he’s gotten asked by one of his students n he said it was “whats your quirk, aizawa?” n todoroki said “it’s not ‘is mayonaise an instrument’? then there was other stuff n they played Sentences and i suggested the scenario “furry convention” after someone suggested todoroki and izuku. ALSO!!! i won the raffle for a bn-ha poster! it was drawn by the uraraka that was one of the panelists n it looks so good ;w; dunno where im gonna put it.. but as my first fanmade print (that’s not my hs wall scroll, which was officially licensed), ill cherish it.

after that i had time to walk! i saw a bunch of id0lish cosplayers! the id0lish7 ones in the dream journey outfits n the 2 trigger members i saw were in similar outfits? i forgot the name for them. anyway! i saw a gentaro n took their pic n they were like “i hav a dice n ramuda somewhere around here.. we’re fl!ng posse” so i wndered around the dealers room n eventually found the dice n ramuda together n took their pic too! thn i kept wanderin n i!! found the king gavin n i was like “are you cosplaying king gavin” n they were like “yea!” n i was!! so happy!!! n they turned to their friend n they were like “see you shouldve stayed in costume! [turns 2 me] they were mad k!ng ryan up until a lil while ago; they changed” but anyway i took their pic n they were talking abt how it feels kinda odd to come to terms w the fact theyre cosplaying minecraft n how they saw a minecraft person earlier n thought abt talking to them but it’s different bc it’s ach!evement hunter so they dont kno the full picture. i saw a corrin w arei button!! which was exciting. also met a nico who said they were gonna b arashi that day but didnt wanna contour but theyre gonna b her tomorrow!! DURING THIS TIME i also saw an adachi body pillow at an artist’s booth n im.. gjhnskm....... i wanted it...... i later found out it was $60 tho so. ;w; i met a sougo n tamaki n i asked if i could take their pic n they said yea, just give em a sec, n the sougo was like “r u cosplayin tsukasa??” n i said yep n they were like do u wanna b in our mv?” n i thought it was a whole event thing n i was like “oh. id hav to check my schedule i might b busy but” n they were talking abt how we (me, the luka next to them, n the kaito next to luka) would just do like steps to the side by following sougos lead n i was confused n repeated myself but the sougo was like “oh, no no it’s right now” n so i did that w them while the tamaki filmed n unfortunately i 4got to ask their instagrams so idk where the vid is but w/e. the sougo told me abt an id0lish meetup at 5 pm, too, out on the docks. 

the h!veswap panel was p funny! an eridan n feferi in the audience were also entertaining, esp during the improve games. i remember someone asked lanque “what r ur fashion tips?” n lanque was like “...Dont Bother” n joey was confused by troll stuff n i asked daraya what her fav punk band was n she was like “we only listen to the grubbles. have u heard em?” n i was like “i.. actually havent heard the full album yet so i guess not?” but as im typing this i think i actually have?/ oops. anyway a lot happened but it’s rly hate so im gonna.... move on. im typing this paragraph last bc i 4got to type it lmao.

a ruby and dia complimented my nails! then i saw a doppo!! they were apparently the reo i took a pic of yesterday. they said their jakurai was still getting ready. 

i tried to go to the grav!ty falls party but it was just one girl as mabel making the audience do games for prizes that were rly boring like decoding n stuff so i left after abt 15 minutes n went walking again. i had 2 hrs to walk now.

i went downstairs after walkina round the dealers room n there was!! a bloody banquet rei and koga!!! they were so pretty.. i was intimidated kinda but i managed to approach them n we talked abt rei’s rei itabag n koga’s goro itabag n rei said they once spent $150 dollars in rei merch in one sitting on yahoo auctions whoa. they were rly cool tho! we talked for a few minutes. later, i also saw another hypm!c group of MTR + ramuda n took their pics n the ramuda was like “ur sign omg. wait r u tsukasa??” n i said yep n we got excited abt ES n the jakurai told me theres an ES meetup tomorrow at 1 pm!! unfortunately, i hav a panel (2, actually, but i can only choose 1) that is at that time so idk if ill go... esp since it’ll prob only b a few ppl n im not the type of person to make friends anyway, yknow? ....anyway! the hifumi game me a lil clear heart tin w tiny fake yellow flowers n a piece of paper that said: “thank u, prince/princess! -hifumi [doodle of 2 champagne glasses]” n thats.. so cute. i gave them a lollipop in return. little while later, met another jakurai! i think we also talked abt ens-tars!! cant remember a lot of it tho gomen. then a lil while later, i saw the kakeru cosplayer i had heard abt on twitter! they were manning an art booth. i was like “are you cosplaying kakeru?” n they were like “yea!” n i took their pic n i was like “i didnt think id rly find k!npri cosplayers here aa” n the kakeru went “FINALLY i can use one of these!” n handed me a lil kakeru sticker they drew n i was like “his fumb bg pink jacket.. it makes him look like a Shrimp” n we both laughed n they showed me the k!npri stuff on their table n a joji on the other side of their display that looked like he was behind bars bc the display thingy and a jin hanging from one of the bars. they (the kakeru n the person they were with) were like “we kept seeing you walk by w ur sign n we were like ‘i hope they find leo!’” (both days, bc the other person asked if i was tsukasa yesterday) n i showed them my yug!oh card that’s an obscure reference to a tsukasa cg! n i talked to them a lil bit abt ens-tars but i cant remember a lot gahh!! and while i was standing there, a honoka came up and asked for my photo n i was like “ANOTHER ES FAN??” n i talked to them for a sec n forgot to put up my prop for the photo at first gjhnsm but that was cool!!  oh, the honoka also asked me if i liked anzu n i was like “she’s super cute in the anime”

after that i tried to go to the fru!ts basket panel but im only 6 eps in the remake anime n they had almost all the characters n i didnt understand a lot of the questions bc i hadnt seen much of the show so.. then after only a few minutes of q+a they started up trivis so i left n just walked around the dealers room. it was during this time that my crown fell off (SECOND DAY IN A ROW) n i searched the whole dealers room but couldnt find it?? ghh..

ANYWAY i found another ramuda w a jakurai n the ramuda liked my sign too n they were like “ur tsukasa!” n i went yep n they saw the buttons ns tuff on my bag n all my keychains n they were like ‘oh, sry” n i was like “no no, it’s okay, u can go thru all the keychains on my backpack i hav A Lot” n i pointed out chiaki as my best boy n mika as my 2nd fav n they said they cosplay hakaze. at some point, i played drops on my flip phone i think bc ramuda was saying smth pertaining to drops?? mayb not. but i played it n jakurai was like “oh god i hav to hear it hre too..” (in-character, i think) n i spotted another ramud in the distand n asked them to wtch my stuff while i took the ramudas pic so i went over n the person next to them had an arashi plush!e n we both squealed (i think. i did tho, Loudly.)

after this i just wandered n i danced on the dance floor! chacha slide, cupid shuffle, n time warp iirc! def time warp tho. also to some 80s song n some guy not in cosplay spun me around nt ried to swing dance we me but he was completely leading it n i didnt kno what to do!! after that i saw a tumblr/con friend while on my way to the yoi panel!!

then the yoi panel was actually p funny! a lot of questions abt yurio’s parents being viktor and yuri and yuri n viktor slowdanced to an edd sheeran song n otabek showed off their muscles (like, flexed their arms in their tank top) n yuri kept dramatically thwipping open their rainbow fan esp in responses to gay asks. at one point, someone asked abt yaois n a mom who was attending w their preteen or teen child was like “whats yaoi?” n the ppl behind her were like “i dont wanna b the one to do this..” n ppl told the mom n the mom to their teen/preteen kid was like “what are u watching? where? is it okay? is it on tv?” n the kid was responding to ehr questions but i couldnt hear them gjhnsm. yurio did a dance to a song n after that, we all danced to cupid shuffle n wobble n then i stopped but others did the time warp too. oh! also i answered a trivia question right (”who’s yuri’s best friend?” “pichit”) and got an utapr! keychain/strap! it’s reiji in a glitter thing. none of the other stuff there aside from some yoi straps was my fandoms so i saw utapr! n went for it.

then the bnh-a pj party! ...uh. the original panelists never showed up so random bn-ha cosplayers (and their non-cn.ha-cosplaying friends) tred to host the panel but everythign was hectic and loud n unfocused n a wreck but i noticed a ramuda n a hifumi i hadnt taken a pic of yet in the corner of the room (there were no chairs) so i eventually got annoyed/bored n went over to ask for a pic but ended up asking to sit w them (i walked over, put my sign down, n went “i said Fuck leo rights n higumi was like “that chara is familiar..” n i said leo from ES n they were like “oh i watched p 1 of that” n i was like “ep 2, this unday. stan ryuseitai”) n i ended up talking to them abt hypm!c n cosplay stuff n i talked a bit abt ens-tars and we all agreed that stella n papillion Slap on the new album. n ramuda said they were cosplaying as a prom!sed neverland haracter tomorrow n recommended it to me n i was like “oh im watching fru!ts basket rn tho” n the hifumi said they were too n the ramuda was like “do u kno the horse one in fru!ts basket? My Horse Boyfriend....” (the game. i think that was the name) so i showed them the hypm!c ask blog where they draw some of the charcaters as horses n the other characters as cowboys n the ramuda showed me the pics that r on their swear jar (photshopped pics of kinako w long legs in stockings+heels) n id0lish memes n it was all chill!! i played drops for them on my phone too. someone came over n went “if u can type w those nails, ur a god[dess]” n i said i could w Only my nails n they said i was like a god[dess] hehe. the higumi said they should make a tumblr n i heard them muttering “should i put 14 on here?” n ramuda went “well i mean, you Are 14-” n i went “ur 14?” n they nodded n i asked the ramuda how old They were n they said 14 n i was like “oh my god.. yallre babies..... gjhnsmk im 18.” n the ramuda crawled back a bit n they were like “18??” n the hifumi was like “u look so young tho whoa! rly?” n i was like “yea i look p young.. ive been compared to a freshman b4..... n yea i graduated like 2 months ago” n the hifumi was like “congratulations :o”

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.