#also just done so much socialising with so many people. many of whom I barely know at all

[girlitfeelsgood]

I've gotten way too used to sleeping until after 9 and going to bed before midnight 😵‍💫

[faelune-home]

(fanfic) “how the guiding light wavers”

(A/N: I’ve had this in the works for a few weeks now. I first brought it up in this long post I wrote to establish character stuff, but this is the work that will finally make me feel a bit more secure in writing for my miqo’te girl. I’m aware it all sounds convoluted and bizarre to fixate on a name like this, but it was something that bothered me, and I’m the one actually doing the writing for my own character, so I do hope that this fic finally makes writing easier.

But alongside the name stuff, it’s also a larger look at where Fhara is emotionally throughout Shadowbringers I suppose. A little bit of where she’s come from and where she’s been so far and where she stands before entering Endwalker, so there’s at least a little bit more to this fic than just name shenanigans. XD

Name shenanigans and heroic title woes and legacy musings. All wrapped up in a complicated bow. Aha. I’ll probably do more Scion interaction focused additions on Fhara’s woes and worries later, especially since I had some in the original fic only to remove them as it was getting way too wordy, but this is the main meat of those feelings here and now.

Strong spoilers for the ending Stormblood patches and Shadowbringers, more so 5.0 and then just fleeting mentions of patch stuff. Set after 5.3.

Word count: 4760

Ao3 link)

When she set out from her home for Eorzea’s shores, she had a goal; to become a hero, and make her name known across the world. To be known as someone great and powerful, with monsters big and small bested at her hand, yet also someone kind and helpful, saving people and making their life a little bit easier. A lofty goal, but one she figured could be done, one small step at a time. After all, every adventurer started small.

Little did she know that her forays in Eorzea would grant her her desires, at a much faster rate than she anticipated; she joined the Scions, with their close ties to the city leaders and their own aims to protect the realm, and in gaining a reputation as a primal slayer, became known as a fabled Warrior of Light. A type of hero normally assigned to legend. It was everything she could have wanted and maybe even more than she could handle. It was a heavy title, but one she wore proudly, all while continuing as she had originally planned.

Yet as time passed, the weight grew heavier. There was still pride and joy in doing the right thing for the sake of others, protecting the innocent from those that would do them harm, but at some point, in the midst of the fighting, torn between Ascians and the Empire, despite doing the same thing she always did, her thoughts would wander to her original purpose in undertaking this grand adventure.

To become a figure of whom stories would be told, for those stories to return to her home and inspire the younger children, much like the old tales had inspired herself. To teach them to do good, to do better, to help others, to be brave, to be kind. An idealistic idea but one she held fast to. And by all accounts, fighting under the Warrior of Light title aided her even further in another aspect of her plans; to allow her to step back from the world once all is done and know peace when she hung up her bow and settled down.

When she set out from her home, she was ‘Fufu’; an old childhood nickname she’d long outgrown in her village, with the exception of her aunt, repurposed for her heroic exploits until the Warrior of Light title seemed to do the job better. Then in Eorzea, in the comfort of those she came to call a second family, she could be Fhara again. And it was nice, comforting even. To know that others knew her as more than just her heroic title, and that the Rising Stones could feel like a home so far away from home.

A home that was always filled with the sound of laughter or chatter, always someone socialising with a friend or partner, or busy working, the Rising Stones had all the energy and joy within its walls that she knew from her home, even with all the group had been through. To find that joy stripped out, the halls empty of people as her dearest friends collapsed into lifelessness and everyone else was left to fill in for their missing teammates…

For Fhara, it left her with no-one. But the Warrior of Light still had work to do.

The Warrior of Light had faced down conquerors, defeated dragons, set free thousands from the shackles of tyranny. But Fhara had never been alone in her feats, always with her companions at her side, or standing strong behind her, keeping the way clear for her, ready to back her up.

The Warrior of Light would go on to face Zenos that day in Ghimlyt Dark, the whispered tales from young inexperienced soldiers speaking how she almost pushed him back single handedly, with the famed Azure Dragoon jumping into the fray to assist her. In truth, Fhara stood alone on that battle field, facing a barely weakened, Ascian possessed corpse, the collapsed figures of her resistance comrades strewn behind her, she kept going until she herself blacked out under mysterious circumstances, only surviving by Estinien’s timely arrival.

Her recovery in Ishgard started her thinking, mixed in with the anxious waves of the mysterious caller’s words. The Warrior of Light would ever be revered for their acts, but as a single entity. Whereas Fhara, while capable on her own, worked best with a team, with her friends by her side. Working out a plan of attack together, or simply knowing they were there with her gave her strength. Yet standing on the field that day, the only thing giving her the strength to fight on was the desire to protect others, for if the Ascian controlling the fallen crown prince made it past her, Eorzea would no doubt suffer.

Then a stray thought...what gave her the strength to start doing all of this in the first place? What was her drive to begin with? It seemed so long ago…

‘Fufu’ had come all the many malms from a small village on the outskirts of Thavnair to become a hero, one that would have bard songs made about her for the sake of children’s tales. But the Warrior of Light had ultimately taken on that role. So what was the point of continuing to call herself ‘Fufu’ to the public? Was it just a habit by that point? A desire to hide herself behind an identity that both was and wasn’t her? After all, it was a nickname that had long been associated with her, and in the absence of any other ideas for an alias to call herself - oft teased as she was for her poor imagination for naming things - she had fallen to the easiest idea of her old childhood moniker.

Maybe it was time to move on from such childish notions? Her thoughts were neither bitter nor certain. The questions merely buzzed in her head as she left them unanswered.

She left the city with her golden hair cropped, a request asked of Jandelaine, met in passing before she left Ishgard behind her.

“It is a shame,” he’d said at the sight of her shorn twintail, the other loose from the hair tie, matted with blood and dirt, “But I can tidy it up and it’s like it never happened. A return to beauty and grace, just say the word.”

She could’ve kept it the same, and continued on as normal. But instead it was all gone. Because maybe a fresh start was what she needed?

~*~*~

The First was not a fresh start. At least not one Fhara was expecting. A land on the cusp of destruction, perpetually bathed in an unnatural eerie light, the people hunted by Sin Eaters, suffering either death or a torturous transformation in turn. She very quickly learned how terrifying, how desolate some corners of the land of Norvrandt could be, and she could well understand why, if people were living in such conditions.

Her first port of call in the strange new land was the oddly familiar gleaming tower, a recognisable pillar even against the hazy glowing sky. And within was the enigmatic Crystal Exarch, ready to greet her with open arms.

She had mixed feelings about the Exarch, on many points; having Called her friends and left their lifeless bodies back on the Source in an uncertain state, or even that Calling them was an accident in itself, since she herself was meant to be the target gave her no end of frustration toward the man. Even then with the knowledge that he hadn’t intended to summon the other Scions, the idea that he had wanted her to act alone in saving the First was one Fhara couldn’t help but balk at. 

Of course she was willing to help, she couldn’t stand seeing people suffer while she knew she could do something. But to think she would be able to handle the work singlehandedly was pure folly. In that way, perhaps it was a small relief then that she had the Scions to help her, unintentional was their presence on the First. Even with the uncertainty surrounding their summoning and the state of their separated selves, she at least had her friends and teammates with her.

However it was his first impression beyond his summoning mishaps that stuck with Fhara and kept her uneasy around the man; no sooner had she arrived at the gate, he had welcomed her past his wary gate guard, quick to introduce her and settle her into the Crystarium. A warm welcome for sure, and not one she was ungrateful for, however the mix of familiar and unfamiliar in the man’s demeanor made her cautious. 

That he knew her so well, so casually referred to her as ‘Fufu’ before she had even introduced herself, how comfortable he seemed while using it - hand waved away as him learning it from old records stored within the Tower, a name used in tandem with the Warrior of Light title, although it reignited her recent troubled thoughts on her public identity - while she knew nothing about him, that not even his own people could say much of him did nothing to ease her. Every factor together had her wanting to keep the Exarch at arms length. She would do as he asked - save the First, bring back the Light, prevent another Calamity from decimating the Source - and in return, he would return her friends’ home. That was all that was needed.

Of course, things would never be that simple.

In a land ravaged by Light for 100 years, a Warrior of Light was considered a heathen, a villain that had doomed them all. Instead, the people hoped and prayed for a Warrior of Darkness to be their hero. And so Fhara, with the starlit sky returning in the wake of her arrival, would become that hero.

Fhara didn’t want to say she hated it, however the dizzying speed with which the title and the stories spread was a shock to the system, moving even quicker than her reputation as the Warrior of Light had grown on the Source. She couldn’t blame the people for their enthusiasm, especially when the hero of legend’s arrival coincided with the return of the night after a century without.

She didn’t hate it. But she found herself seeking the comfort of her closest friends more often than she used to before. She knew they weren’t looking at a grand hero, but just Fhara, who stood up to answer the call. And they stood with her. As the days would pass on the First, rarely was she without a Scion by her side, only truly left alone in the comfort of her inn room, and even then, the wayward spirit of Ardbert was a presence she didn’t resent.

The days would pass, and the night returned across the land, and beyond the walls of the Crystarium, away from the crowds of people that would revere a hero, through pixie flower beds and dense forests ever shaded from the skies, and into desert ruins of a civilisation long lost-

“Welcome aboard, Ryne.”

Fhara had seen the young Oracle struggle under the weight of her legacy, the expectations of her duty to protect and act as a beacon of hope for the people of Norvrandt, while also living in Minfilia’s shadow by virtue of her name and powers. Fhara could empathise with the young girl, having long known the feeling of so many people relying on her and her own more recent doubts that she could live up to those hopes. She kept trying all the same, as she knew the Oracle would as well, for it wasn’t in Fhara’s nature to give up if she could do something.

But now, seeing the newly christened Ryne standing with a fresh air of confidence about her, her only nerves being about doing a good job for the sake of the team and helping relinquish Amh Araeng from the grip of the Light, Fhara was proud of the girl for her new lease on life.

Yet also a tiny bit jealous, that all it took was a name and a declaration to do better by herself for the girl to suddenly be brimming with courage, whereas Fhara fretted and frayed and languished under a gifted moniker, calling herself by her childhood name and then acting as though it were her only option, that she had no other choice...but was it always that simple? To just announce to the world you could be born anew yet still the same person?

Perhaps it wasn’t exactly the solution Fhara was looking for, but it was an idea towards a resolution for her woes. After all, she wasn’t trying to begin fresh like Ryne, Fhara just wanted to be Fhara, as she always had been. It was just trying to express that to the world at large.

It was only when the Light she had been capturing within herself finally overpowered her and left her weakened and stumbling, sitting at death’s door, did it finally seem to become clear to her. So rarely before had she gotten so close to death that she had never thought so closely about what she would leave behind, or who would remember her and how. The people of Norvrandt knew the Warrior of Darkness, Eorzea knew the Warrior of Light and the Scions knew Fhara. And if she died that day that would be the memory she would leave behind. 

Yet she realised, lying in her inn room, she didn’t want to just be remembered as a hero under a title, or by a name that most of her nearest and dearest scarcely used. She wanted to be remembered as Fhara, at least if it were possible.

She’d certainly made the attempt to introduce herself as such during their travels across the realm, but with how quickly people came to know her as the Warrior of Darkness, she feared that her attempts were being drowned out. However before their ascent of Mt Gulg, as the crowds gathered from across the land to assist them, she found that they knew her as Fhara, and they would talk to her, and they wished all the Scions the best of luck. And among a small few, the Warrior of Darkness was not a title solely attributed to her, but to all of her friends.

It was nice. A reassuring gesture that her efforts were noticed. Even as she stumbled her way to the deepest depths of the seas in pursuit of Emet-Selch - keenly aware that if she failed, she would be dooming the First and her fellow Scions along with her - she held onto that knowledge. After all her worries, it was an odd source of courage for her, bolstered by her desire to survive, and the understanding that she wasn’t alone in her duty.

Altogether her feelings gathered, and in the face of death and her desperate wish to live, and her wish to be known for more than her heroic tales, she made her decision. She’d never been afraid to make the first step before, not even into the unknown. She’d come all the way to Eorzea on a whim and a want, and faced almighty foes more powerful than herself with nothing more than the determination to protect those that could not fight back.

If she lived through this fight, she would cast aside her anxieties, and take that first step again.

~*~*~

Fhara wasn’t the type to call meetings, she was the type to attend someone else’s meeting. And yet the majority Scions were gathered in the Rising Stones, with the miqo’te standing at the head of the pack, nervously shuffling her feet. What few Scions that weren’t accounted for were assured to be updated afterward.

She ran her fingers through her hair, no doubt to calm some nerves, although the action drew the attentions of the group members that had only seen her sparingly during her otherworldly adventures; since last they had seen her, she’d left for the Crystal Tower with a short crop, still wearing her tattered and torn bard coat, an uneasy smile on her face as though more to reassure those around her than because she genuinely felt like her hopeful self. Yet each time she returned to report to Tataru with updates, she was a brighter figure, with a spring in her step as she relayed the progress on the First, and her hair would grow out slowly to the feathered bob she now wore. It wasn’t quite the cute twintails they’d known her for when they joined, but she looked all the more confident nowadays with it.

She finally started, with a loud voice, albeit one that cracked as though there was still some anxiety holding her back, “I have something I want to say. Something I’ve been thinking about for a long while now and that I want to be clear on moving forward.”

Any mumbling between parties silenced immediately. Fhara’s tail flicked at the now heavy hush, however some encouraging gestures from the figures at the front most row - some few nods and a thumbs up here and there - allowed her to continue, “Thank you for being here. Truthfully, some people here already know what I’m gonna talk about. But I’d rather make it clear to everyone now. This whole thing might sound rather silly to some people, that I’m worrying over nothing. Some of you might even say that if it means so much to me, then it’s not such a trivial thing. And I appreciate that, I do.”

She hesitated, ears suddenly flattening. “To cut out a long story, when I came to Eorzea, and when I joined the Scions and became known as the Warrior of Light, I told everyone here they could call me Fhara. It’s who I am after all. But outside where people would know the Warrior of Light better, then they should call me ‘Fufu’. That’s still technically me, it's an old name I was called as a child. And it’s the name I chose for travelling because...I suppose the easiest way to put it is that I wanted to separate my private life, if I ever chose to return home, from my adventure life. But lately with everything that happened and with a lot of the dangers getting so much bigger than even the Warrior of Light I just started to worry about who I really was and what I was doing.”

“Like how? You seem the same to me?” Aenor spoke up, ignoring the disapproving nudge from her frowning sister.

“I mean, I hope I do,” Fhara smiled, although it was more wistful looking than pleasant, “I never tried to pretend to be someone I’m not, no matter where I was or who I was with, or what name people called me. But I started thinking I was getting lost with myself, like people were seeing two different people with me.” Her tail flicked again. “I should say now, I don’t hate being the Warrior of Light. A lot of people try to project that I’m frustrated with it or that I could be doing better with a title like that, but none of that is true. I don’t hate it. But it’s hard. People have big hopes and expectations for me when they treat me like that, and I’ll always try to reach them, but it’s not always easy to do alone. So truly, I’m forever grateful to have you all with me at my side.”

Casting a glance over the Archons and the twins, Fhara continued, her voice somehow smaller, “But when the Callings happened, and then everyone else here was stretched to take over the work, and this place was left empty so much, I...well, as senseless as it might sound, I felt alone. But I still had a job to do, but doing it alone was hard. Because everyone else knew this brave warrior that could handle anything, and I didn’t feel like that at all.” The quiet admission brought about guilty whispering rippling through the group, until a sharp cough from F’lhaminn hushed them again.

“T’was never our intent to make you feel as though you had no-one to lean on,” the older woman said, “Especially during such a time when our own were falling out of commission. But then it was precisely such a time that we all struggled to balance the work that needed to be done, and to fill the gaps left behind. If that struggle left you without support, then that would be our failing, and for that we would owe you our sincerest apologies.” The mumblings rose once more, letting out a small chorus of “sorry”s and “‘pologies”. 

Fhara gave the woman a grateful nod then added, “I understand, I do. And I didn’t say that to call out anyone here, but I won’t deny that a lot of people across the realm talk about me in such grand ways because of the work and feats I’ve done, and it’s hard to feel like I’ve lived up to their stories. In that sense, being on the First kind of helped; it was a fresh start where I could try again to do the hero thing, but in a lot of ways, it wasn’t, because the same thing that happened here on the Source happened there. People needed a hero, someone to help them, and I just became the Warrior of Darkness to answer that need, and that’s what most people knew me as. But it still gave me a chance to try and start afresh with myself, and now I feel better about where I stand. And I want to bring that feeling and those certainties back here.”

She didn’t mention Azem. Though the suggestion that Fhara may be related in some way to that Ancient had brought her more hazy feelings, she had insisted that none of that mattered. The final insistence had brought her here now, to her certain decision. She was herself, and she didn’t have to worry about being anything more.

She let in a deep breath, steeling herself as she said, “The Warrior of Light is here to stay and she’s the one that will go down in history, and I can’t change that. Not everyone in the world will know the real me beyond the heroes tales, and I can accept that. But at least on some level, I can try to let them understand me. And that can start with a name. A name can be lost to time, so I get that people in the future will never know Fhara. But the people here and now can, and that’s all I want.”

With a final, certain nod,  she declared, “So from now on, I’m Fhara. Not just inside these walls, but outside them as well. It took a lot more words to say that than it probably should have, but I hope you all understand it now.” Uncertain of how to finish her speech, she took the skirt of her purple dress, already wrung tight by her nervous hands, and gave a bow. There wasn’t an immediate response. It took another glance at the twins next to her, giving her comforting looks to ease the tension in her shoulders, until another voice spoke out from behind the group.

“‘At was a lot of words to get the message out, but it looks here that it meant a lot to ye to make it sure as sure fer us lot,” the crowd parted, and Riol nodded, looking satisfied, “I think I’ll speak fer us all when I say message received loud and clear.” Fhara’s eyes started to water as she looked around to assurances and smiles, and possibly unnecessary cheers from what sounded like one of the Boulder brothers, but it was acceptance nonetheless.

“Thank you,” she sniffed, trying not to actually cry, rubbing at her face, “I mean it. This all probably sounds really ridiculous and I’m overthinking everything but-”

“There shall be none of that,” Y’shtola interrupted, “None of that self-doubt at least. We’re here for you no matter what decision you wish to make for yourself. You of all people deserve the support, and we are all the more glad to provide it.”

Fhara’s ‘Thank you’ caught in her throat, all she could do was nod. The larger group dispersed, individuals coming up to give her more reassurances and words of comfort as they passed before continuing on to their work. Urianger took G’raha aside for a word, both men departing to Dawn’s Respite, leaving the rest of the archons and the twins by Tataru’s desk with Fhara.

“So that’ll be a weight off your shoulders then?” Alisaie asked. Fhara nodded, letting out a heavy breath and slumping forward with the effort.

“I was more nervous for that than I thought, and it was just in front of the other Scions. But I’m glad. I feel like that is a step towards feeling more like myself, even if I never really strayed from that in the first place...I think.”

Thancred let out a thoughtful hum, looking over her suddenly tired frame. “I’ll say you never changed much, but I can see the ease it’s brought you now. Although if this is you after telling people that knew your little secret, how will you be with others, I wonder?” He ignored the peeved expression from Alisaie next to him as he brought it up, especially when Fhara’s face became a picture of concern.

“Oh, we’ll probably have to tell the Alliance leaders. Or do we? Is this an official thing I have to report on? Is there a process for this?” Fhara asked, eyebrows furrowing. Was there more work needed in this decision that she hadn’t thought of? Was there paperwork?

“Not to worry, I can get some official missives written up and shipped out in a jiffy,” Tataru stated, giving Fhara a bright smile and a thumbs up. Fhara returned it with a relieved look of her own, and the receptionist hopped onto her chair and set to work.

“Honestly, knowing diplomatic types, we could just use your name normally as though it's always been used, and rather than risk a faux pas, the Alliance leaders would just go along with it anyways,” Alisaie suggested with a wry smile.

Alphinaud shook his head at the suggestion. “While I don’t doubt that that is possible, sister, I would prefer if we erred on the safe side and actually updated the Alliance. We don’t have to make a large fuss over the matter for Fhara’s sake, but at least informing them of the change would be better for the Scions’ standing with them in terms of open communication.”

Alisaie rolled her eyes and mumbled, “Of course, brother.”

“At the very least, Lyse is already familiar with you personally,” Y’shtola said, addressing Fhara once more, “Even should the rest of the Alliance falter or take time to adjust, she would be able to take charge on the matter and make the adjustment easier for all. You needn’t worry about being left alone to handle this.”

“Yes, that’ll help,” Fhara smiled, however her eyes then dropped to the floor, a worrisome look on her face once more.

“Thinking now about how many people I’d need to update or inform, it feels daunting already. I’m questioning now why I thought the whole alias thing would be a good idea.”

“Really now, it’s beginning to sound like you’re thinking of telling the whole realm. You’re going to worry yourself like that,” Alisaie huffed. However she then added with a softer tone, “You said it yourself that you won’t be able to change everyone’s perception of you. Many will know the Warrior of Light, and some few will know Fufu. The odds of you coming across every familiar face you’ve ever known after this will be slim. But if it does happen, you don’t have to explain yourself in any great detail. All anyone needs to know now is that you’re just Fhara.”

The words, simple as they were, brought a warmth to her chest. And surrounded by her closest friends, those that had been with her for most of her journey and through thick and thin, the idea of continuing on into the unknown ahead of them didn’t seem as daunting anymore.

“Just Fhara...I like that.”

And that was all she needed.

[nekoabiwrites]

Of Princes and Potions 2 - Chapter 1

I know... the title sucks. I’m just really bad at titles, fam. Also, while reading over this before posting, I legit was like “aww thats cute” so... yeh.

Original fic: https://nekoabiwrites.tumblr.com/post/187149767680/of-princes-and-potions-masterlist

AU: Royal/Fantasy Pairing: Logince Words: 3392 Warnings: Humans with scales (but not Deceit). Anything else, please let me know!

Summary: Roman’s ball ended up being fantastic, despite a few setbacks due to some guest underlying motives. However, once the ball is over and the new couple are given time alone, it feels as though something is going to be revealed...

---

The prince’s ball went on for hours, lasting well into the night. Many guests slowly trickled out of the door before the night was over. The first to go were those who were only there to be in the crown prince’s presence and attempt to woo him. As he’d made his choice clear and emphasised it by graciously declining all other attempts at flirting for the rest of the night, their purpose was done, and they had nothing left to gain from the event. The fact that it was a good portion of the attendees that left did cause a slight ache in Roman’s heart, but all who remained by his side healed it easily.

Once the ache had dulled slightly, Roman had a wonderful time. He danced with his friends, chatting and laughing the entire time. He danced with his father for a couple of songs and shared some with his little brother too. He spoke with many of the guests, thankful that the interactions felt far less forced and much easier to get through.

But the most enjoyable part of it all was being able to spend time with his companion.

Logan hung around in his shadow for the entire night, mostly because Roman was dragging him along the whole time. He was being introduced to a whirlwind of people, most of whom he could barely remember 10 minutes later as the information was scrawled out in his mind in order to be replaced with the new set of names and faces. But it was enjoyable all the same. Simply because he felt normal once more, and he had Roman beside him.

It was still fairly early when the king approached the couple, a very sleepy young prince curled up in his arms. He softly spoke, telling them he was happy for them both and that he would love to stay longer, but Thomas really needed to be taken up to bed. Both the prince and mage understood, and they bid him goodnight.

Hours later, Logan was feeling the exhaustion. He’d long since separated from Roman’s side and taken a seat at one of the tables. He was watching the prince effortlessly glide around the almost empty ballroom with one of his friends. Even without the effects of the potion heavy upon his emotions, something strong stirred inside him and made Logan feel lighter than air. He began to get lost in his thoughts for a moment, thinking back to the initial dance he’d shared with Roman.

A shadow fell over him, causing the mage to look up. The curious expression was replaced with a gentle smile as the crown prince filled his vision.

“Are you here to drag me back into the fray of socialisation?” Logan quipped, exhaustion heavy in his voice.

Roman barked out a short laugh as he grabbed a hold of the nearest chair. He pulled it up alongside Logan, seating himself down. Within seconds, the prince deflated and seemed just as exhausted as his companion, “I would never, my dearest. I just thought to come and check up on you as you have been over here for a while.” Roman reached over and slipped his hand beneath the closest of Logan’s, holding it carefully as though he was scared to break him.

“Thank you for the concern, but I am quite alright. You seemed to be enjoying yourself,” Logan’s grip on the hand in his own tightened for a moment as his eyes dropped to the floor, “and I did not wish to be a burden on you, so I thought to take a seat to the side.”

“You would never be a burden to me.” Roman was suddenly sat straight in his chair, his other hand resting atop Logan’s. He stared deep into the mage’s eyes, trying his hardest to let his sincerity come across.

“Burden was… a poor choice of terminology. I simply could not think of something else…” Logan swallowed hard, blaming the residual effects of the potion for the strange feeling of guilt that had settled into the lower portion of his stomach.

Roman went to say something more, but a shout of his name cut him off.

“Roman! We just wanted to come and say goodbye before we all left.” Valerie called out as she approached with her sister and a few of Roman’s closer friends.

The prince, never letting go of Logan’s hand, stood and said goodbye to his friends, knowing that they wouldn’t get the chance to see each other for a fairly long stretch of time. He was a little taken aback once they addressed Logan and the mage responded in kind. Sure, Logan was likely going to respond in order to be respectful, but the smile and light testing of the waters with a soft sarcasm to some of his words – which had many of the surrounding nobility laughing – were utterly unexpected to the prince. It was a very welcome surprise though.

The couple accompanied the group of friends to the doors of the ballroom, as they were the final guests to be leaving from the party. They all said their final farewells before separating. Roman turned to the guards and servants, “Thank you. Do not feel an obligation to have the ballroom entirely clean before tomorrow. Please spread the word. Not one of us wants anyone pushing themselves too much.”

All the addressed servants nodded and hurried off in different directions in order to tell other members of staff, while the guards began to walk around the perimeter of the ballroom in order to speak to the knights stationed around. Roman watched for a moment before turning to his partner with a gentle smile.

“Would you like to stay with me tonight?”

---

Logan stood still as the ornate door shut quietly behind him. His eyes roamed the absolutely enormous bedroom before him.

The only words Logan could even think of to describe the room he was looking at were ‘decadent to the extreme’. It was large and spacious, with a great amount of that space going completely unused even with the big furniture that littered the space. The part that drew his attention at first was the huge, plush-looking four poster bed that was draped in shades of red and gold – from the pillows to the sheer curtains hanging from the dowels creating the frame. The cushions were piled up at the head of the bed, forming what seemed to be a mountain with a seemingly well-loved yet still beautifully constructed rabbit plush sat at the base of it all. A set of doors were slightly ajar in the wall next to it, behind which Roman had disappeared only a moment before and Logan could only assume it led to a walk-in wardrobe that just had to be as extreme as the room outside of it.

His eyes then caught the large window that was indented into the wall to the left of the bed. The mage crossed the room to look out at the view of the kingdom, though he was only just about able to make out the shape of the capital city in the darkness. He perched carefully on the edge of the window seat, utterly astounded by the comfort of it. Yet more of the cushions from the bed littered the space, which seemed large enough for at least five people to sit side-by-side on it, with blankets and a couple other soft toys haphazardly thrown onto it. To the side of the seat was a writing desk that seemed as though a tornado had come through and thrown everything around on top of it. Papers – some written on, some still clean - were scattered every which way, some of them  were even crumpled on the floor around the chair. Several pots of differently colour ink were half open and in various different places, with multiple writing implements following suit. A few books lay in disarray on the shelf above the desk, though they seemed to be notepads rather than reading material. Logan couldn’t bear to look at the disorganisation for long, and so he turned his attention across the room. Unexpectedly, he locked eyes with himself.

A large and equally as messy dressing table sat up against the opposing wall, a multitude of products and beauty tools covering the entire surface. But what was more interesting, and had Logan getting up onto his feet and crossing the wide space, were the in-built bookshelves that were situated in the rest of that particular wall. Every shelf was packed full of gorgeously bound books; some with treated leather, others with silver detailing and so much more. The ones that were within reach and seemed to have been read the most were books packed full of fictional tales, though Logan was only able to notice this once he began to read what was printed to the spines. By the titles alone, the mage could see there was a trend to most of the tales that had been read over and over – most seemed to include tall tales of brave heroes going out on grand, fantastical adventures, where they fight and defeat many villains along the way before ultimately performing some over-the-top act of bravery, therefore saving the day and becoming a well-known and revered hero to the people they protected. While Logan himself would never have ever chosen to fill a bookcase with such books, he couldn’t help but feel a slight tug of endearment to the practice. He could almost imagine Roman curled up on the window seat with one of these books open in his lap, his expressive face and body language showing every emotion he was feeling as he turned the pages. Perhaps he even acted some of his favourite scenes out, alongside his brother… Now that was an adorable image that crossed Logan’s mind. He coughed slightly as thinking about the crown prince in such a vulnerable moment caused his cheeks to flush ever so slightly, especially once the thought of Logan being able to witness such moments joined that. He instead attempted to distract himself by looking at the books lower down. It amused him that these were all of the ones used for the prince’s studies and a fair amount of them seem to have barely been touched due to the layer of dust that sat on them.

“Ah, I see you’ve found them.” Roman’s voice sounded from behind the mage, causing him to look over his shoulder. The prince was now dressed in far less than usual, which made sense as he was about to lay down to rest for the night. It didn’t stop Logan’s mind from screeching to a halt, especially as Roman approached and looked at the bookshelf himself. It took all of Logan’s willpower to not fade out and lose Roman’s words as the prince’s wonderfully toned and firm looking torso was close enough for him to reach out and touch… “It must be strange to you. Seeing all these stories in a similar place to that of those large tomes you keep all the way up there.”

“O-oh yes, it is indeed quite, uh, different from my, um… collection.” Logan quickly stood back to his full height, willing the pinkness in his cheeks to disappear quickly before the prince could take note of it.

Roman chuckled softly, gently placing a hand upon Logan’s shoulder, “If any of them interest you, you are more than welcome to peruse them at your leisure. My room is now open to you at all times. However, I would appreciate a slight warning of your entrance if I happen to be in here. No telling what you could stumble in on.” Logan had to internalise the splutter that wanted to escape him at the implication of Roman’s words.

The prince then turned and moved towards the bed, climbing onto it easily. Logan, now facing that direction, remained in his position near the bookshelf, uncharacteristically looking unsure of himself.  Roman was a little concerned. “Is everything alright, Logan?”

“Hm? Oh, uh, yes, of course.” Logan attempted to reassure the prince, though his attempt clearly failed when he caught a glimpse of Roman’s worried expression.

“You are not obligated to stay with me here if you are uncomfortable with it.” Roman reassured his partner. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed closest to Logan. Roman wanted to leap off of the mattress and hold Logan in his arms, but he realised that it was likely to only worsen the situation, so he decided where he was would be a good middle ground.

Logan nodded gently, “I assumed so, but I would hate to disappoint you… You seemed so pleased and eager to bring me in here…”

“Logan…” Roman couldn’t help it now. He slipped off of the bed and approached the mage, carefully and gently reaching for the other man’s hands in order to hold them. Logan didn’t try to remove them from his grasp, which only pushed Roman on further, “There would be no disappointment at all. I wish to see you happy and content. If being here will do neither of those, then please do not feel any reason to stay. You are free to come and go as you wish.”

The mage searched Roman’s face for anything resembling a shift in his sincerity but found absolutely nothing. It made him relax a little.

“I am not displeased to be here with you, Roman. I very much would like to stay…” Logan trailed off, unsure of how to phrase the rest of what he knew he needed to say.

Roman simply smiled warmly, “and you are always welcome to. I do hope you don’t plan to sleep in all of this, however.” He jokingly tugged at the dress robes that still adorned Logan’s body.

Logan couldn’t help the soft snort that escaped him, “I absolutely did plan on that, in fact. This is what I wear every night, in fact. Is that going to be an issue for you?” Logan replied sarcastically, smiling a little more once Roman laughed again.

“I think I may have something far more suited to resting that you can wear. All of these layers cannot be that comfortable.”

Before he could realise it, Logan was being pulled towards the walk-in wardrobe. His stomach suddenly began to churn, and his heart-rate spiked as they stepped beyond the threshold and the rows upon rows of clothing filled his vision; the sight of himself in the wall-sized mirror at the opposite end of the room not helping his predicament. Logan willed himself to calm down, but his situation was only worsening by the second as Roman, completely oblivious, looked through one of the clothing racks.

“Ah, here it is. You can wear this until- Logan?” Roman cut himself off when he spun back around to see his partner almost pushing himself against the double doors as if he were trying to escape. Cautiously and carefully, Roman approached, “Are you sure you’re alright with staying? Something seems to be bothering you quite severely. Please do not force yourself for my sake.”

Logan shook his head. If he wasn’t going to do it now, he might never do it. Roman deserved to know. It was foolish of him to be so worked up over it. There was no way that Roman would reject him for who he was… right?

After taking a deep breath, the mage glanced up to Roman, “I… There is something you need to know, about me.”

Roman sat silently on the mattress, waiting for Logan to speak. He’d allowed the mage to do whatever he wished to feel comfortable, as the matter that was on his mind was clearly something that caused him a lot of distress. The prince had followed Logan’s every word and instruction without question and was now patiently sat facing the mage’s back. He wanted to ask questions, wanted to know everything so he could do whatever he could to help relieve some of the stress and strain. Yet he held his tongue. Even when Logan’s shoulders sagged heavily, when Logan had sighed and ran his hands down his face, when Logan glanced over his shoulder to him in order to ask him, “Please don’t be alarmed?”

The seconds stretched out into what felt like minutes as Logan mentally prepared himself. He grasped the edges of his robes, breathing calmly and slowly in order to maintain composure. Despite the part of him that was crying out for him to not do this, that was convinced he was likely about to lose the one thing he’d finally realised he’d wanted for all this time, Logan knew he had to. It would be unfair on both himself and Roman to keep it a secret for much longer. With one last steadying breath, Logan shut his eyes and removed the robes.

Roman’s eyes grew wide and he fought not to suck in a heavy breath at the sight before him. His hand automatically reached out to touch, the pads of his fingers catching on the edges of the uneven surface before him. He barely noticed that Logan was almost as still as a statue, waiting for him to say something. Roman was instead mesmerised by the scales that coated half of Logan’s back.

The prince’s eyes traced each and every one. He noted that they seemed to begin partway up Logan’s neck and widened out from there, reaching the midpoint of his back and running parallel to his spine all the way down until the trail disappeared beneath the remaining clothing that covered the mage’s lower body. There was something that was just so… captivating about them. The way the moonlight caught the tips and made the edges almost seem like a completely different colour, the pattern on each one that could only be seen once Roman got up close to them, the way they lay so flat against the mage’s skin and seemed to organically grow from a part of him. It was almost breath-taking. Roman had never seen them in person before.

Finally, he spoke, “I see why you must have been worried.” Roman noticed the slight shake to Logan’s body, now that he was finally out of his reverie and so he carefully rested his arms around him, pulling him into a loose hug. “I understand that it must have taken so much for you to share this, especially as this has only just begun. But, I will assure you that, no matter who you are, no matter where you came from, what your heritage may be, I will never think bad of you. I do not harbour any negative feelings for you with this new information and I doubt you will ever be able to convince me to think such a way about you. No matter your bloodline, no matter if you are descended from Yitra or not, that does nothing to change the way I feel for you, Logan.”

Silent tears slid down Logan’s cheeks and dripped to the floor at Roman’s words. Despite the self-consciousness in ever sharing his heritage with anyone past those who already know, despite the worry and fear of being shamed and cast aside for simply being born to those who were practically destroyed years ago, despite everything that he had built up for years and years by being cooped up in his tower for his own safety, someone was willing to look past it and still cared for him. Better yet, it was someone who Logan felt strongly for, someone he may even feel he loves with all of his heart. The pure emotional release had Logan’s rational thoughts being pushed aside in favour of his instincts.

He was easily able to turn around in Roman’s loose grip in order to grasp the prince’s face and press a forceful kiss to the royal’s lips, everything that Logan was unable to vocalise being poured into the physical gesture with the hope that Roman was able to understand at least a part of it. It was when Roman began to return the kiss and his arms tightened around Logan, holding him securely in place. That was the moment Logan knew he understood, and that everything would be fine.

---

---- Next Chapter

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[heartmeadows]

So @goodnightlittlewing mentioned they had rescued four kittens once. That reminded of that one time I rescued a cat and she ended up being very much pregnant and I raised four kittens in my small apartment! This story involves stuff about her giving birth and me helping her out with it so pls be aware! Also this is a long post! First of all. The first picture is of the kittens the day they were born. I missed work that day to help my baby Bella give birth. The second is of one of the kittens as an adult with my friend whom he lives with still. His name is Gunnar, he’s a very big and fluffy boy 😍 Third one is of two of them when they were older! Now to how this all transpired!

So, when I was about 21 years old I moved into my first apartment. I’d had cats since I was like 13 years old so I was experienced. I couldn’t take my old cats from my childhood home cause they were (and still are!) bonded with each other. Couldn’t separate them and I didn’t want to get two cats! I also didn’t want to get a kitten (the irony lmao). So I looked online and I found an ad for two Norwegian Forest Cats, a male and female. They were about 6 years old. The previous owner was apparently gonna take them both to the pound if they didn’t get a home soon. She very graciously included in the ad that “they’re gonna get killed if they don’t get adopted soon” cause she was in a hurry… It was an old couple, husband got very sick and they had give up their expensive apartment apparently and the new one didn’t allow cats. Whatever. As someone who’s had many cats in the past ten+ years I’ve always found new homes for cats I couldn’t keep for one reason or other. You just have to put a certain price and ask people to write about why their home is good for the cat. Then you choose which of these people seems like the best fit based on what the cat needs and what their personality is like. It takes effort I guess but what’s important is to find a good home and hope they won’t get into a cycle where they get placed in another and another home. (There’s people who buy and sell animals forward you know to profit. Happened to our dog years and years ago and we never found out where exactly he ended up.) But I digress! I could only take one so I chose the female cat. I could only hope the male cat would get a home too. I think he must’ve cause these are very beautiful and wanted cats. And they were being given, not sold. So I got her the very next day, she was the sweetest, most affectionate cat I’d ever seen. And she was such a beauty. Her name was Bella. After the prev owner left it took Bella very little time to get used to me. She was purring, pushing her against me (which is something she would do a lot and she was very strong, the little head pusher) and being very affectionate. So I lifted her to cuddle her and very soon noticed her nipples were very swollen. It didn’t take me long to figure out she was pregnant. Prev owner told me nothing and then admitted to it after I texted her about it. The idea that she and the babies might’ve gotten killed shocked me tbh. It was a lot of responsibility to take but I still decided to keep her and take care of her. I loved that cat so much from the start. When she gave birth she could barely handle giving birth to the first one. I’ve read that cats shouldn’t have kittens after a certain age? Not sure if it’s true but thing is the previous owners had had litters before with her. She told me so through text, said she’d always only had one kitten at a time. Yeah. I suspect they’d had litters just for the amount of money you can make selling them. Anyway my Bella was exhausted and panicking after the first kitten. She’d given birth under my bed and the kitten was crawling on the cold floor. I had to do something so I got the mattress off and moved the kitten to a safer, warmer place I had ready. And I stayed there with my cat while she gave birth to two more kittens. She had so much trouble! She wouldn’t lick the amniotic sacs so the babies could breathe so I had to carefully do that myself to allow the babies to breathe. Bella wouldn’t even bite off the umbilical cords so I cut them, again carefully. She took care of the first one only cause after she was literally panicking and struggling. Later I learned I should’ve twisted the cords off but it was in the heat of the moment, there was no time to google shit. She let me help her, she trusted me and I think it’s fairly obvious she and/or the babies could’ve died if I hadn’t helped. My boyfriend at the time got mad (!!) at me for “intervening with nature” lmao. As if I was gonna let them die or smt. After I thought she was done, cause she was giving no signs of having a fourth baby in her, I moved her into the cardboard box with the kittens and she started to take care of them. I stupidly went away from her for like 15mins and came back only to see the fourth kitten out there, still in the amniotic sac and Bella totally ignoring him! So I took care of him and he too survived and Bella started to take care of ‘em all. I had no experience with cats giving birth but I’d had bunnies that had given birth. I’d never had to intervene tho. Still, in that moment instinct took over me. So, suddenly I had a mommy cat and four babies in my small studio apt. Of course by that time I was prepared to have them, you know. But I had no idea I’d end up helping her. I didn’t know when she was gonna give birth either. I never took her to the vet, idk why. I wish I had more pictures of them but I deleted all of my digital photography and such years ago. But they are amazing. They were bigger than the average cats from the start and very wild, very cute too. Fluffy AF. They were so wild and would climb everywhere, no curtain or plant was safe lmao. I had an enclosure for them in my small kitchen but they very soon learned how to jump over and climb up to my bed. They wanted to sleep with me so thankfully I had a big bed. I had four kittens and a mommy sleeping with me all the time. They wouldn’t even let me shower in the peace, all four would climb the shower curtain. And Bella was the kind of cat that had to sit by the shower every time I showered. She’d meow and claw behind the door otherwise. A couple times the babies jumped into the toilet, they also soiled themselves a couple times cause they were still learning how to use the litter box. I’d have to wash them off in the sink so they all got pretty used to water. The only girl in the litter, first one that was born, would get in the shower with me and she kind of liked the water. They were all lil rascals but very sweet and cuddly. I made sure to socialise them and had friends, family over. They were friendly, social lil cats. Eventually I found them all good homes. A year later I got in a bad place, had to move out and find new homes for Bella and one kitten I had kept with her. I’m still kinda sad that I did that, I loved those cats so much. But I think they both got good homes and I can only hope they’re still doing good. Soooo, long post but here was how I had four kittens once upon a time.

[chubbychummy]

Positive Week

This past week, I have spent only 2 out of 5 work days in the lab. I have otherwise been at some course in centre city (it’s about an hour away).This has been a good change of pace for me and tbh it just kind of pushes back the work I need to be doing but I think it is a much needed break.

Also a good chance for me to socialise — as I live outside of city centre, it is usually a lot of time/effort for me to get into the city. I have to plan for it. But spending all day here for the course, I was able to do things I would not have otherwise been able to doTuesday afternoon during the lunch break, I ran all over the city going to pharmacies trying to find T which apparently ran out of stock in all of France. I didn’t get all that I needed but it was enough so that was awesome. I won’t have to worry about that again til May.

Thursday, I had the chance to use my lunch break to change my transportation plan from monthly unlimited to what I should have had to begin with: pay as you go. I seldom use public transport since I usually just use my bike. I would have saved about 20€ a month which is nothing to shy from. But I won’t look at sunk costs I spent hat I could have saved. Just nice knowing that starting in May I will start saving money from this change ^^ I should have changed it many months ago (like a full year ago), but again, life came up and it’s hard to juggle everything I have going on. I’m just happy that in the future, I will not be spending unnecessary money on this

Tuesday evening I met up with Delphine. We just sat around and chatted for a bit - it was really low key. She was catsitting for a few days and I got to hang out with a super adorable and nice black longhair kitty (named Negro lmaoooo so they just call him bébéchat) Anyhow it was super super low key but it always just puts me in a good mood to see her. Later that night I went to the bar to a regular meetup type deal and chatted with some new folks I have not met before. Also relatively low key but it was just nice. ^^ Wednesday was a very inefficient day hahahh. (Monday was super super efficient- I worked essentially nonstop from 9am-7pm barely stopping for food. But I was on a good roll. Wednesday was not so efficient hahahh. But that’s okay.) crashed Wednesday night at 8:30pm and had a first long sleep in a week, which was good and my body needed it.Thursday back to the course — but it was a new course! Actually by the same instructor! I had not originally signed up for it but wanted to attend. And she said that she was looking for more students so I was welcome! Which was cool! Upside: I get to complete this course and add like 18h more to my training repertoire, it is in English so it’s easy for me, I am already familiar with the instructor, etc. downside: I still have some administrative stuff I need to sort out in centre city but I literally don’t have the time unless I take a vacation day to get it done, but I feel like I have too much work rn to try to take any day off in the next two weeks. This is my visa and residence permit thing. I needed to have done this two weeks ago hah. But anyhow. It was good that I got in this course - and how!

So there were two girls in this course also, one of whom talked to me (she’s very very talkative) and it was awesome! which is not very typical of a French person, but she did and it was awesome. (She is also fluent in German!)Anyhow the course was very cool and frankly I just felt good about the interactions. ÚwÙ Thursday evening, I had the second to last operation for my tooth surgery shitPutting in the anchor — it was back close to where I live which is 1hr away. So I hopped back on the tram then bus and made it there, got it done (it was fast!!) and it was only 19h20. There was some thing I had in my google calendar in centre city I thought I couldn’t go to cuz of the dentist thing but it was at 19h30, and honestly knowing French people, people always arrive fashionably late. So if I hopped right back on a bus/Tram from the dentist, I could get back to centre city by ~8pm so I did just that

The thing in my google calendar was at the Maison de Chercheurs, but my lab was having an outing elsewhere. So I figured okay, i would go to the one with the people from my lab. Tbh it wasn’t super great for me but also I’m still super glad I went cuz at least it completely eliminated FOMO, and honestly almost everyone was there. Like 20+ people. I hardly talked to anyone, but I was present. I did chat a little bit and the little I talked was fun. I think it was rly good I was there too cuz also I talked with the Portuguese intern who was there (she doesn’t speak French, so it was tough for her. There is only one other non francophone and he is Italian but Luca was there as well.) so she was rly alone and I’m glad I was there at least to chat with her occasionally. Anyhow it was good even if it wasn’t gr8, but I’m still very very glad I went(  Plus since I had been working so much on my own this whole week - and last - I had hardly had time to see folks in the lab)  So then Friday. Was tired waking up having only slept some 5 hours, but what was off to a tired start turned into a really good day.I didn’t pay too too much attention in the course today (had trouble focusing bc tired hah) but then around lunchtime, he girl who sat next to me yesterday (and her friend with whom she works — same cohort) invited me to lunch with them For some reason my student restaurant card doesn’t work here in centre city, so I couldn’t really pay the food things here (I was ready to pay a more expensive price with my bank card or cash but I don’t think they accept either), but one of the girls covered me. Albeit it’s only like €3, but still. (Whereas I think it’d be like 6€ idk)So I had lunch with them - chicken, fries, a dessert, and appetizer ! Good shit! And had a chance to talk to them about some stuff too so that was cool. It’s just rly nice talking with folks and meeting/getting to know new people.

Was late coming back (got scolded by the instructor), but it’s also okay. We worked on an activity where we essentially pretended to be journalists and interviewed one another about our thesis projects and I sat next to and worked with/interviewed this new girl who spoke a very fluent English! And !!!!!!! It was amazing ??????Idk you know when you instantly just click with someone And then like when that happens you kind of ?? Keep clicking ????Like repeatedly as the interaction continues, you just kind of keep clicking multiple times and it never seems to rly stop and you’re just like ??? God??? I rly get you?????? It was like that with her and it was too coolLike someone else in the class actually called out my name to tell me to lower my voice cuz I didn’t realise I was speaking too loudly — I was just ??? Really excited and enthusiastic???!?Anyhow it was just rly awesome and I was like “actually can I get your contact info later bc I would really love to talk”And we kind of had a chance in this mock interview to give each other mini professional life stories (like life stories but only what is pertinent to our professional work track I guess) and idk it was rly coolSo anyhow at the very end of the course I was getting ready to ask her to exchange contact info but she asked me firstLike literally as I was opening my mouth to ask, she was like “actually if you don’t mind—“ and I thought it would have to wait but then she straight up asked me for my contactsAnd so we sort of excitedly parted waysI considered going to the administrative building afterward (closes at 16h30 — it was 16h45 already by now) to see if I might catch someone ask they’re leaving, but also it takes like ten minutes to walk there so I decided against it in the endI was heading back to the classroom building figuring I could just spend 1.5-2hours chilling on discord or twitter while changing my phone and waiting until 18:30 cuz I told someone I’d get a drink with him later that evening. But when I turned around, the other girl was there and she waved and walked over and we chatted some more. Like where are you headed? Just going back home. You live in centre city? Yeah just around the corner. So I offered to walk her home cuz I have no other plans for the next two hoursShe asked if I had seen Les Machines (I had), and she admitted that since coming to Nantes in October (she is from Le Mans just a few hours northeast ), she hasn’t actually gone out and seen much. She bought the new assassin’s creed so she’s just been going home and playing video games all night lolBut she asked if I was down to just walk around and I’m like ?? Absolutely?? I love walking??I suggested the park, which is honestly beautiful - esp on a beautiful day - so we proceed to take the ugliest ass most inefficient route to walk there. But it was okay cuz we kinda just talked the entire time so it was fine.She’s rly rly cool and anyhow we got to the park and just continued talking while walking in the park. Eventually after hanging out with some goats, we saw there was another girl from the same course, who had her husband and her kids with her. So we just stood around and chatted for like another hour or so

Eventually it was 18h30 so I was like huh should probably meet up with that guy I said I’d get drinks with, so we headed in that general direction while still talking. Passed by a... spontaneous mini local food market? So I sent the message to the guy to come over cuz there’s something going on here. And the girl and I awkwardly accidentally walked out of the market cuz it’s rly rly small and takes about 30 seconds to walk through, and we’re just trying to decide what to do. Get a coffee? (She’s Muslim so no alcohol - also I seldom drink and I don’t prefer it). Or a kebab?  She wasn’t hungry but also admitted she didn’t have money on her, and I told her not to worry - my treat. We ended up going back to the tiny food market and I got us both some granola and fruit leather? As a snack cuz she wasn’t rly hungry. But that way we could sit around and chat and munch while waiting for my other friend to show He eventually came and we walked around together but then the girl left (said she had to go home, but tbh I think she had a fear she might have been imposing?)Anyhow I ended up walking and talking some more with the other friend (Canadian guy) and we ended up in some restaurant (oops my bad I thought it was a bar— he likes beers and said he wasn’t that hungry, so a little awk that this turned out to be a restaurant). But anyhow, he got some beers and I got a sausage platter to share for us.And we spent the rest of that night kind of just sharing life experiences and discussing doctorate struggles and remarks about French culture and our experiences and anecdotes and shitIt was just a really really good night

[teenagersdiary]

A diary note, 27 Oct 2021, Not In the mood

Date: 27 Oct 2021

Subject: Not In the mood

So it's been quite sometime since I have come to write but you know, for me to write here there has to be something wrong in my life or someone has to annoy me so bad that I come here to write. All the things I wrote previously were the result of my sudden philosophical thinking due to my anger and deep thought process. So since then nothing has happened until now that has caused me pain. Although things did happen bit none of them wounded my heart except for the Dandiya Night. The day of dandiya night I was deeply regretting my decision of coming to a party as for a person like me I can't stand people. I like to rely on a someone wherever I go. If I go to family functions I prefer talking my mind to Chinmay. I would have wrote that if I go somewhere with friends but to be honest I have not faced any situation where I go somewhere with friends. I mostly went for swimming or eating but we never went somewhere to socialise. So thing is I am a very bad at socialising. Its not as if I can't talk to people, it's more like I can't talk to strangers or people I have met once or twice. I have more like a fear of socialising. This is the only reason I consider myself incapable of doing business. I am more like a person who can give speeches(of course I fear but I can bear that much) and presentations but when it comes to talking to people I barely know I am at a loss. I can't even say hi or introduce myself. And although I said I can give speeches, I can barely stand my ground. I have tried and done everything an introvert would never do, like I have acted in plays, I have performed at functions, I have been a class clown for long but still I can't figure out how I can talk to those whom I have never met before. Although there are exceptions like, elderly people, children, people who initiate the talk and sexually repulsive girls(I know its hard and makes me a sexist but it's the truth).

Inability to socialise wasn't the only thing that was hurting me. I felt like sidelined when interacting with my classmates, I don't know the reason for that but seems like I don't make a good impression. Also it felt like Ishant was trying to get rid of me. It felt like I was a burden to him. I didn't bring my bike so I wasn't able to go home when I felt like. I was feeling awkward and wanted to smoke but because I can't do it because I hate it so I pictured myself in my mind doing it(sounds funny, right!). In that moment my mind went numb so I wasn't able to think properly but still I was clear in my mind to not do anything stupid that's why I didn't call the cab for myself. I was getting calls from home, Mataji reverted all land and ordered to not do a sleepover which gave my plans a 180° turn. I was sure that he won't come but still I messaged Lakshit and asked him to come to pick me up. Maybe I shouldn't blame him 'cause the time wasn't apt for going out of the house but if it wasn't me he wouldn't have refused to come and would have gone right away. Also when I asked Ishant that we should go home, he too deliberately refused and asked me to go if I wanted. I wont blame him because I might have done the same if he was my friend with benefits. I might not provide him something really good but atleast for him I am a fool.

All I learnt from that night was put yourself first because nobody else will.

Next I learnt that all parties are useless because they don't provide any real socialisation to people like us who do not have connections already or can't initiate the conversation.

Next thing I learnt was nobody is really a friend if you are a fool(I am not a fool but to be honest, I am not smart either) cause then they just want to use some benefits you provide them(I am not an exception for this rule cause I had done the same many times).

Next thing I learnt was apply rule 3 for your benefits because everybody does the same.

Last and final thing I learnt was, I need no friends if I have money. So I must earn money and live my life as I want, then I might get a real friend in my wife(**might**).

That's all I can say today, maybe the first paragraph of this log sound sarcastic after reading this one.

[bdobson07]

12/04/2020

It’s Easter Sunday, so we had a day in the garden drinking and having fun! Then had a gorgeous roast followed by a dog walk.

As I was scrolling on Facebook I stumbled upon this, and it basically sums up what’s happened with the virus - brilliant for years to come when we want to look back!

Happy Easter Sunday everyone!

Just so that we never forget..... today is Sunday 12th April 2020 🗓 (Easter Sunday 🐣🐇🐥)

The unprecedented events that have occurred as a direct result of the Corona Virus.....🦠

On 11th March 2020 the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) was declared a Pandemic, by the World Health Organisation (WHO).🦠

On Friday 20th March all schools were closed. 🏫Remote learning is now in place and parents are home-schooling their children 🎓. All GCSE and A Level exams have been cancelled.

On the evening of 23rd of March 2020 Prime Minister Boris Johnson implemented a national lockdown 🚫

The Excel London is now known as NHS Nightingale and has been turned into a hospital for up to 4,000 patients, most of whom will be on ventilators. It was opened by Prince Charles (virtually, rather than in person) at 11am on 3rd April. There are also several similar venues being built and used in cities across the country (including Westpoint in Exeter).🏥

On 5th April The Queen addressed the nation at 8pm 👑 (only the 5th time she has done this, outside of her annual Christmas message).

Also on the 5th April, Boris was admitted to hospital, after 10 days of self-isolating with the Corona Virus 🧪

On the 6th April Boris was admitted to intensive care with deteriorating symptoms. Fortunately he came out of intensive care on 9th April 🩺

Many Community support groups have been established, to support the vulnerable, elderly, immunocompromised and people in enforced isolation due to exposure 🧓🏻👴🏻

Petrol ⛽️ prices are extremely low and the national average is £1.02 per gallon

Gatherings are restricted, initially to 50 people, then 20, then 10. Now, you cannot socialise with anyone outside of your home. 🚫

Self-distancing measures are implemented ☹️

There is now tape on the floor at grocery stores ❌ and other essential stores to help distance shoppers 🛒 (2 metres) from each other.

There is a limit on the number of people allowed inside stores at any one time, including staff, this is causing queues outside of the store doors and in car parks🏬

Non-essential stores and businesses are mandated closed. People who are able to, can work 👩🏻‍💻👨🏻‍💻 from home 🏡

Parks 🏕 trails, entire towns and cities 🏢 are closed or restricted to locals only

Sports ⚽️ 🏉 🎾 seasons are cancelled, as well as The Grand National, The Open and Wimbledon .

The Olympics are postponed until 2021.

🔵🟡⚫🟢🔴

Concerts, 🎫 tours 🚌 and festivals, 🤹🏻 (including Glastonbury) and other entertainment events 🎭 are cancelled 🚫

Weddings, 👰🏼🤵🏻 family celebrations 🥳 (birthdays, christenings and anniversary’s) and holiday gatherings, such as Mother’s Day and Easter, 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 even funerals ⚰️ are all put on hold or cancelled 🚫

Churches ⛪️ are closed and the Pope delivers the Palm Sunday mass to an empty Basilica, in the Vatican City🚫

Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+, and all other TV networks are on in every home, daily 🎬

People are glued to the News and to Social Media.

Children's outdoor play parks are closed 🎡

Most flights are grounded, ✈️cruise ships 🛳are docked, holidays are cancelled 🏖and only essential travel is permitted. Few rescue flights are operating.

There is a huge shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE), masks, 😷 gowns 🥼 and gloves 🧤 for our front-line essential health workers.

There is a shortage of ventilators for the critically ill, 🤒 in many parts of the world.

On the news, we see refrigerated trucks for the dead, outside hospitals in the USA 🇺🇸 Italy 🇮🇹 Spain 🇪🇸 and China 🇨🇳 etc and we see the mass digging of graves (even in the UK).

Panic buying 🛒 sets in and we have restrictions on toilet paper 🧻 disinfectants, paper towels, basic foods (like pasta, rice and bread),🥗 as well as hand sanitiser.🧴 Flour is hard to find, because the packaging comes from China 🇨🇳 and many borders are closed 🚧

Manufacturers, 🏭 distilleries and many other businesses, 🏢 switch their production lines to help make visors, masks 😷 hand sanitiser 🧴 and PPE 🧤

The Police are given the power to impose fines for breaking lockdown rules and to disperse groups 👮🏻‍♀️

Stadiums 🏟 and recreational facilities overseas are opened up for the overflow of Covid-19 🦠 patients.

In some countries, Public Park 🏕 areas are being turned into caravan parks for stranded tourists to self isolate 🚐

There are daily Press conferences from the Prime Minister👱‍♂️ and other government 🏛 officials. We are given daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths ⚰️

There are Government 🏛 incentives to stay at home. Self-employed can apply for grants and employees are being furloughed (and can receive up to 80% of earnings). 💷

Barely anyone is on the road or the street 🛣

People are wearing masks 😷 and gloves when they go outside 🧤

Essential service workers are terrified to go to work 👮🏻 👩🏻‍⚕️ 👲🏻

Medical field workers 👩🏻‍⚕️ are afraid to go home to their families 👨‍👧‍👦

Every Thursday evening at 8pm we all stand outside our front doors and clap the NHS and Carers, to show our gratitude for what they are doing.👏🏻

Many people have rainbows visible 🌈 in the windows of their homes, as a way of spreading hope.

There have been 1,783,220 cases, 109,299 deaths and 405,353 recoveries globally and 84,279 cases and 10,612 deaths in UK so far.

Why, you ask, do I write 📝 this status?

One day it will show up in my memory 💭 feed, and it will be an annual reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted 💕

We have so much! Be thankful. Be grateful 😌

Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone 🥰🌈❤️

We are all one! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍

Bye for now!

B x