#also ive had the first one done for forever but have just been sitting on it bc i developed a weird complex about posting single orv pieces

[almond-gallery]

kim dokja and han sooyoung may be bad at accepting genuine affection but they are also bad at showing it. they are only good at being problems

[divinesolas]

the shortest marriage tour | finale

summary: you go through a whirlwind of events; struggles with wedding preparations, feasts in your honor, wedding ceremonies and the fun that comes with being married.

w.c: 6.6k

c.w: fluff, also a good amount of smut, father daemon, idk how weddings work, not proofread

a.n: i had so much fun with this series thank you all for the love !! sorry this took a little longer than expected i did not think this part would be so long 😭😭 MORE BEN TO COME TRUST !

benjicot series taglist: @poppyflower-22 @earth4angels @godofstory @melissaliciousx @jessie123878 @callsignwidow @kezibear @knight-of-flowerss @kitkat1sstuff @valdezthg @multyfangirl @duck-duck-goose2 @charvsz @bxdbxtxh15

part one - part two

As you had expected your parents were not happy with your wish to get married under the weirwood tree. Your father had been especially furious and the two of you got into a screaming match. You two have always had a playfully hateful relationship but you have never hated in the man and he you yet in these moments it was almost as if you two were enemies. Even your mother seemed more willing to give into the idea but your father was firm in denial which led you to now where the two of you would not even speak to one another.

You spent the majority of time with your mother though it was tense, she sort of danced around you as you mostly took reins on your wedding, picking out the food, contacting the seamstress for your dress it shocked your that your mother did not seem to be as involved until she dropped the bomb on you. “Your grandsire wishes for there to be a feast in your honor at the red keep. He,, wants to see you wedded in the sept.” you smash a glass on the ground as you glare at her. “And you tell me this now?!” “He is my father and your king, your grandsire he wishes to see you married,” she sighs as she watches you begin to pace around the room.

“So i am just meant to throw all the planning i have made out of the fucking window?!” Her face hardens, “I am your mother-” “then you should have told me! i would have been angry and furious but i would have compromised because he is the king but most of all you are my mother, and i shall always listen to my mother first.” Her face drops at your words, she walks over to you and grips your shoulders pressing her forehead against yours. “I am sorry. I should have told you sooner but you just seemed to happy and i dont know i did not want to ruin that for you. Maybe just wait a while longer to inform you.”

You sigh and take a step back before nodding. “I understand, well what am i to do with all ive done?” “We could hold a smaller event there?” You run you hands down along your face as you try not to curse. “So i am bound forever to have a boring wedding in front of the sept with every stuck up lord in all the kingdoms who wish to kiss my ass.” She laughs, “You sound so much like your father.”

You frown at the mention of your father and she grips your hand. “Speak to him.” You try to turn away at her words but she keeps you firmly in front of her. “He will never admit it but he misses you he has been mopping about since you two fought.”

You sigh. You hate to admit it but you miss him too and it pained you to see your mother upset that you too were not in a good place. So that night you walk out onto the beach to see him sitting on the dock staring out into the ocean. He does not turn to you when you sit down next to him but there is enough space between you two you are able to place the bottle of wine you had brought down with you.

“its seems we both lose father, i am to be married by a sept in kings landing.” He turns to you as you take a long sip from the bottle. “by whos decree?” “your brother, the king.” He takes the bottle as soon as you place it down and take a long chug from it. He sighs, “i will fight this, my daughter will not be married in a fucking sept.” “why? because its not the wedding you wished for me?” “because its not the wedding you want.”

You let out a stiff laugh with no joy in it as you admire the ocean. “im sorry.” You two sit in silence before he places a hand on your shoulder. No more words are exchanged but they dont need to be the two of you understand one another, actions speak louder than words.

The next day he argues against you getting married in the sept, much to everyone’s disbelief he flies out the next morning to kings landing to argue against it. It would be wrong for both of your beliefs, neither of you believe in the new gods and it would be out right disrespectful to both of you. After days of arguing with them, that you now know were the hightowers not so much your grandsire, daemon returned successful telling you a feast would be held in your honor but nothing more.

You are overjoyed and immediately run to write to benjicot about the news. True to his word the two of you had been exchanging letters back and forth since you left, the letters have been sweet, he tells you what he’s been up to, updates about the construction of the walk which is pretty much done and he even lets oscar and kermit write little notes to you asking you to come back because its boring with you around.

You had thought marriage would be miserable and leaving dragonstone would be much worse but this just proved to you your life would be full of a lot more joy then you had thought, you miss them, you miss being in raventree hall in the riverlands you miss the bright colored grass and waking up to the sound of ravens crowing and cattle moo’ing outside. You missed him.

The letters were nice but they could not fill the gap being without him made. You tended to tell him about your family and about the wedding preparations. The letters were always very sweet and normal until one day about one week away from your wedding a particular long letters is sent by ben to you and you were particularly curious about since he took much longer to write this one.

My love,

I hope all is still well since you last wrote to me. I apologize for the long wait i had been unsure of how to word my feelings properly as of late. I have been feeling particularly, off, as of late. Nothing bad of course but you have always run through my mind rampantly but as of recently i have begun to dream of you. See you when i close my eyes and when i think of you i begin to lose control of myself. My body my mind shivers and shakes at the thought of you. I should not say these things but it has been the only thing i have managed to think of. I imagine your lips, the way they had felt on mine but i imagine them going lower down my jaw to my neck down my chest.

Yet i would never allow you to go lower it would be rude you are a princess, i must worship you. find myself on my knees and defiling you. I imagine the way you would sound as i slipped my fingers inside you. would you scream in delight? or are you the type to sink your teeth into the side of my neck to silence yourself? would you be able to contain yourself as i lick at your most sacred area? would you pull on my hair has i wrap my lips around you bud? and when i stand to slide my way into you would your nails run marks down my back i am sure to be teased about?

i would wear your marks with honor. take me however you wish i would allow it i would let you do anything to me. I have imagined this all too well, so well in fact i have carved it into my memory that every night i must have to act upon my urges with my hand.

It is sinful and this letter is scandalous but i cannot stop myself. I dream of your perfume and the way it fills my lungs i could never get enough of you. Do you picture me? as i picture you?

with all my love, ben.

A knock on your door has you screaming and you slam a book on the letter as the maid walks into the room. One of your hands cover your mouth as you rush to take deep breaths. The maid looks startled at you as she almost drops the tray she had been holding in her hands. “tea?” you gesture her to place it on your table and she rushes to do so before she quickly leaves and you cannot manage to get your breath back to normal as you peer down at the letter once more. that monster! he had rejected all your teasing touches and scandalous words during your month there only to send such a letter to you now? right before the feast and your wedding? You stand up to pace as you think about what to do.

You first thought is to burn the letter and act like this never happened. But you did not want that. You liked the letter, a lot. Much more then you would like to admit with the way your soaked. You hate him. Why would he do this to you? An idea suddenly pops into your head and a grin appears on your face. You can play his game too, and win.

You rummage around in your drawers before finding what you wanted before running back to your desk and getting a paper in ink out before writing to him.

my beloved,

well hello to you too. you are certainly posses the best penmanship out of all the men ive ever written to. This was certainly a surprise to open up imagine i had been around my family! how awful. though before i begin i would like to tell you i have been well, and my dress has finally been completed though by your words that certainly does not matter much to you. Have a pictured you? you certainly already know the answer i have told you as much? do you remember the night you had rejected me out in the woods?

i had gone back to my room and touched myself in ways i had hoped you would. did you not hear me? when i cried your name on my lips as i peaked? i tried to be loud enough i guess i will need to try harder. You should know i am never one to be quiet. as for your predictions and thoughts i shall leave you guessing until our fateful wedding night but let me leave you with this. if you shiver at the mere thoughts of me you will certainly love what i plan to do to you.

if you forbid me from going on my knees then i can certainly find other ways to play with you. my hands would slide down your chest as i wrap my hands around your cock and stroke you until you are shaking and then i would push you back onto the bed and ride you until you are seeing stars. i would grab your hand and have your rub my bud as your hips thrusted up to meet mine in a fury and as you grow closer i will tell you to wait. and you’ll wait and wait and wait until you are begging me to let you release and when you do i will not stop. Maybe you’ll flip me over and take me again? who knows im just throwing out ideas.

i hope you’re taking notes as this is what how im expecting our long waited first night to go. since you missed my scent so much i hope this letter brings you some relief. and maybe even my other gift will too, they’re freshly washed maybe you’re disappointed by that you dirty man.

my heart,

you sign your name and grab your lipstick to apply it and press a kiss to the bottom on the page before soaking the letter in way too many sprays of your perfume before you roll it up and slip it into the small pouch you had put one of your pairs of underwear in before tying the small bag to your bird. “Go take this to benjicot.” Your bird flies off down the familiar path its probably done a hundred times by now and you try to shake off your nerves. Maybe you shouldnt have done that. what if someone else gets to it? you won’t know until you see him in the keep as he certainly wont have enough time to get one out to you now.

You ring the bell and ask the maids to run you a cold bath. as cold as they can make it. You begin to feel sticky and you could not stop lightly shaking as your hands itched to bring you some sort of comfort but you forbid yourself until you got into the bath and dismissed the maids knowing nobody would bother you for the rest of the night.

You anxiously await seeing him. you had ridden with your parents and viserys joffrey and aegon in a carriage having left your dragon in raventree not too long ago with some maesters until you return soon. You arrived a day earlier than your siblings and benjicot and rush to see your siblings the second they arrive. You have a quick greeting with them until you urge them to follow you.

“Why the rush dear sister?” “Maybe because she is eager to see her soon to be husband jace.” baela laces her arm through yours and grins at you. “I am excited to meet this mystery man, father even talks highly of him.” “and father talks highly of no one.” rhaena cut in but you merely laugh and shake your head. “Or maybe it is because i am eager to get this feast over with who wants to spend the evening with the fucking hightowers?”

They were completely right. you were more than excited to see ben and looked around the compound for him as soon as you arrived. You force down the pout that grows on your face as you cant seem to see him anywhere and turn to your siblings who all stare with a knowing look. “What? don’t look at me like that?” Jace places a hand on your shoulder but the mischievous grin he has on his face offers you no comfort. “Don’t cry dear sister im sure he will show up soon.” You slap his arm off your shoulder as they begin to laugh and you roll your eyes. “You are an insufferable little shit.”

“she does not deny she is about to cry oh dont cry dear sister.” you knock lucerys on the head and he winces, “once you can hold a fucking sword in your hand then you can speak to me like that.” “You’re so mean sister.” you open your mouth to argue but a whistle behind you and when you turn around a big grin forms on your face. You rush away from your siblings and when you get close enough he wraps you in his arms and spins you around once before setting you back down on the ground and pressing his forehead against yours.

As much as you wish to kiss him you know that would cause too much of a scandal so you simple press a kiss against his cheek as he grins. “I have missed you.” “I missed you a lot more.” You press your head into his neck where you lips are right next to his ear. “Did you like my letter?” He hums as his arms tighten around you, his head dips into the crook of your neck and he takes a long deep breath in. “did i like it?,” you feel him pinch at your side, “You know the answer.” you pull away slightly and look him in the eye. “And what of my gift?” He rubs his nose against yours as he lets out a shaky breath. “the things i have done with your gift are, unspeakable.” you feel the heat build up in your face as you slap him his shoulder and push him away.

“no hugs for us?” You turn to oscar and kermit and you throw your arms around their shoulders. Your siblings had walked over at some point and had begun introducing themselves so when you turn back around it looks like they are full on interrogating him. When you slip your arm though bens he shoots you a smile that screams ‘please save me’. Jace in particular has his arms crossed as he glares at ben, “oh relax jace he is a nice man.” your brother huffs and benjicot wipes a bead of sweat that drops down his forehead.

“You’re scaring him, trust me if he wanted to defile me i gave him many the opportunity yet my purity is in tact.” This has your brother tensing as baela covers her mouth with a laugh, “Whatever are you talking about?” “when i had waited for him in the library in nothing but my silk night gown he merely took off his cloak and told me i must be cold imagine my disappointment.” he deadpans as he looks between the two of you and turns back to you alarmed when ben merely turns away with his ears bright red “tell me you are jesting.” “if it will make you feel better.” “it would.” “then of course i was kidding! do you really think i am so deprave?”

he glares at you as a guard walks over and tells you your parents wished to see you and you turn to ben who squeezes your hand. “i shall see you later.” he lifts up your hand to press a kiss on the back before he walks off with a small wave. “he seems sweet, you pick well dear sister” You smile at baela and thank her as you watch ben walk off with oscar and kermit in his tail. it really hits you that you’re going to be married in a few days time and you cant help but grow more and more excited. “you really like him.” “i do.”

Your afternoon is a blur, you watch as your siblings greet your parents and dreadfully greet alicent and her children who look less than happy to see any of you but you all suck it up for the sake of the day knowing you’ll be gone before the sun even rises tomorrow. You are suddenly rushed to your room to get dressed in some fancy dress and some ridiculous hair that has you itching. its just for one night, you repeat to yourself over and over agin in the hopes you will not tear off your clothes or scratch at your hair so the pins would fall out.

The only thing that brings you relief is seeing benjicot sitting with the rest of your family at the end table with a spot empty right next to you. “well you clean up nicely.” He certainly did. His hair slicked back away from his forehead while outfit is completely black with red accents, if you look closely you could see little ravens stitched into the fabric. a light blush covers his face as he looks you up and down as he smiles, “you are the prettiest woman ive ever seen.” you slap his shoulder lightly as your grin, “and you are the most handsome man ive ever seen” his chest puffs up at your complimentary words and he helps you into your seat.

Your grandsire and your parents give speeches you don’t bother to listen to simply playing with bens fingers under the table until people start coming up to you to give you there congratulations. this was the part you hated the most, where every lord and lady comes up and tells you how happy they are for you and sneakily try to tell you they brought a very nice gift that you will probably never look at and you have to sit there with a painful smile as benjicot took over as you barely even wanted to look at these people. He was a much better communicator than you were and everyone who spoke to him seemed please you were happy at least one of you would be good at dealing with the stuck up lord and ladies.

Except when he walked up and you could tell he was growing angry. you place a hand on his chest and scoot up further in your chair in a silent motion telling him you’ll handle this. “lord braken,” he bows his head and aeron practically hides behind his father, “what a pleasure.” benjicot laces his fingers with yours and squeezed them tightly as he tried not to speak. “congratulations are in order princess what a wonderful occasion.” you grind your jaw as you smile and nod, “thank you lord braken.” He does allow his eyes to look at benjicot for a moment before he looks back at you. This was not going to be good.

“though it is quite a shame you are marrying a man of, his nature.” benjicots knees hits the table and everyones eyes turn to look at him but he remains silent. You grip his hand tightly but keep your eyes on the lord braken. you can see aeron tug on the his fathers back trying to get him to step back and walk away but lord braken does not falter. so you lean across the table and grin at him, “if you do not get the fuck out of my sight in the next five seconds you and your family will be nothing but food for my fucking dragon so i suggest you walk away. Now.”

He laughs awkwardly and takes a couple steps back as you settle back into your seat, “good day.” he quickly runs away and you begin to laugh. You turn to benjicot pleased and see him admiring you, “what?” he just shakes his head, “i really like you.” you blow raspberries as you try to ignore pounding of your heart and the heat in your stomach, “i would hope so.”

He suddenly stands and you look at him confused until he holds his hand out to you, “would my lady like to dance with me?” You grab his hand and let him pull you up, “you sure you want to i am an awful dancer?” he leads you to the floor anyway, “im sure you’re better than you say.” you laugh, “if you say so, if your feet begin to bruise its not my fault.”

You are a fine dancer, maybe a little sloppy and out of practice but he is more than happy to dance with you. You felt so happy like it could never get better than this, just you and benjicot. The rest of the night went just as well, no more annoying lord as you spent the rest of night on the dance floor until the two of you called it a night.

you would head back to dragonstone for some final prep while benjicot head to raventree hall for the wedding. You did not want to leave him once again but he assured you these last couple days would fly by and your wedding would be here before you knew it. “once this is all over we’ll get to spend the rest of our lives together.” You would be flying back alone and the rest of your family would be traveling together in carriage to raventree hall and you would meet them there as after the wedding they would come back to king's landing.

It was odd packing up all your stuff, your room now barren and empty. all the things you’ve ever known packed up in boxes. It did not bother you much to leave kings landing it never felt like home despite never knowing anywhere else but here? in dragonstone where you grew up with your siblings? where you learned how to use a sword? you find yourself staring at the castle before forcing yourself into the carriage and letting it take you and all your stuff to raventree hall. You did not think you would cry but you do and you’re thankful nobody else is there to see it.

Its snowing. all the land that the eye could see was covered in snow. Raventree hall is packed by the time you arrive and people rush to you the second you jump out of the carriage, “please theres enough of me to go around.” oscar rolls his eyes and grabs you, “come on you need to see this.” he drags you off with kermit not too far behind and you have no clue what he could be showing you until you are standing in front of it. “wow.” “i know right, its amazing.”

The boarder between the lands stood tall, the dark oak wood towers over you, its much taller than you had thought it would be. oscar smacks you on the shoulder, “this wouldn’t be possible without you my benevolent princess.” he dips into a low bow and you cant help but laugh, “yes i am rather charitable dont you think? it is my duty to help the needy.” You hope it makes him happy, the stones gone and you can no longer even see the braken castle. “does he like it?” kermit laughs at your question, “like it? i swear he’s never looked happier.”

The three of you are soon dragged back to the castle walls and you are forced into the main hall. Benjicot is not there much to your disappointment but two very unfamiliar faces are. You quickly find out they are lord cregan stark and his wife alysanne stark aka benjicots aunt. “it is so nice to finally meet you princess. Benji writes so much about you.” ”no need to be so formal alysanne we are to be family.”

with your que alysanne, who begged you call her aly, asks you many questions about your relationship with benjicot and you ask her about the north where cregan buts in and the three of you engage in a very long conversation. The two of them are very nice people and they make you promise to come to the north sometime to spend some time there and you assure them you will.

as the night grows later you find it odd benjicot has not come out to greet you until you find out the two of you are not to see each other until you walk down the aisle. Its just one more night, one more night until you spend the rest of your lives together. You toss and turn that night despite the fact everyone told you to get as much rest as possible. you stare up at the ceiling and wonder if benjicot is in the same state, if he cant sleep because he’s thinking about you.

You certainly have no time to be exhausted when you are immediately woken up and tossed into a whirlwind of events. a piece of bread is shoved into your mouth as maids urge you into the bath, scrubbing you down head to toe. You barely have any idea whats going on until your mother walks into the room and she gasps at you. “you look beautiful.” they had been working on your hair for only the gods know how long but you had been tied tightly into your dress. your mother stands before you with tears in her eyes, “oh look at you.”

“oh don’t cry mother ill ruin my makeup.” you cannot handle seeing her cry, already overwhelmed with emotions. she wipes the tears off her face but they dont seem to stop leading your eyes to well up so badly one of the maids had to walk over and put a cloth near your eyes to catch the tears. “i am so happy for you.” “thank you mother.”

she nods and composes herself, sitting on the bed and you narrow your eyes at her serious look. “what?” she sighs and runs her hands along her skirt. “there are things that happen on your wedding night,” “oh my gods.” you turn around and the maids rush around you to continue working on your hair. “i have to tell you this, unless you already know.” you look at her through the mirror and you can tell what she means immediately by her words. “do you all think so low of me everyone assumes i have been defiled? i am as a girl my age is.” she lets out a sigh of relief but she ends up tilting your head at your wording. “what does that mean?” “it means i have touched myself.” the maids freeze at your words and so does your mother but you shrug. “what? i am a growing women.” “how do you even know about that?” “father gave me a book.” “daemon?”

The man in question walks into the room and every pair of eyes turns to look at him. “what?” “father remember that book you gave me?” daemon looks up and he looks thoroughly confused until a flash comes across his face and he brightens up with a laugh. “yes yes i remember.” rhaenyra glares at him but he just shrugs, “she was complaining to me about feeling, pains, and i simply provided her the resources to make it go away.” she glares at him and mumbles something about them talking about it later.

Your father eyes you, “face me.” you turn around again as the maids finally finish and they all stepped away from you. rhaenyra stands next to daemon the two look at you. you see the tears in rhaenyras eyes again and she wipes them away. “oh my beautiful girl.” daemon says nothing but he has an unreadable face as he stares at you. you punch him lightly in the stomach, “not even going to tell me i look pretty?” he lightly chuckles, “you already know that.” you pout at him, “it would be nice to hear.” he grabs yours shoulders and you are shocked by the sudden contact, “you are the prettiest princess in the whole realm.” you would normally think hes kidding, his word choice as comedic as always but you can tell he’s being serious. “thank you father.”

Before you know it you are being looked over once more before being taken outside for the ceremony. You had not taken into account when designing your dress that it would be snowing but luckily alys had brought her wedding cloak for you to wear. She had worn it when she got married in the cold snowy winter in winterfell and assured you it would keep you as warm as a freshly baked bread. You almost tear up again at the gesture but you try your best to compose yourself. your father stands at your side and you loop your arm through his.

“can you believe that when you crushed my toe with your heel we would end up like this?” you laugh and shove him with your elbow and he laughs with you. “see are you now thankful i insisted we leave that night.” he hums but says nothing and you look at him. He looks, sad? you turn to him and grab his hands. “i shall visit you father i promise, you will not grow older and bitter without me.” he rolls his eyes but he looks more than pleased at your words, “then i shall bother you for the rest of my life.” you groan as the two of you stand back into proper place. “oh please i take it all back i did not mean it.”

with one final laugh he ques for the doors to be open and the first thing you notice is the cold rush that hits your face. you close your eyes at the rush but make sure to maintain your pace, the covering you have on your face doing nothing to protect you. yet when you finally open your eyes you see the face of everyone you love yet your eyes cant seem to tear away from him. Standing tall infront of the weirwood tree you almost burst into tears. dawned with furs and his hair slicked back once again, his hair is covered in white snow flakes with a bright smile on his face. he wipes his eyes quickly as you begin to get closer. you turn to your father who lifts up your veil and presses a small kiss on your forehead before walking off and you stand in front of benjicot.

His eyes swell up as he looks at you and you cant help but do the same. “you are so beautiful.” he whispers to you as the maester begins to speak. the ceremony is everything you could have dreamed of and more. Your hands tied together and words spoken in sync, sealing you together forever with a perfect kiss. it was the most magical moment of your life. the crowd cheers as you look up at the ravens who stare you down and you can hear morningstar roar in the background this day could not get any better.

the feast afterwards was much better than the one in the red keep. nobody bothering, no need to pretend for a single second you were overjoyed and ben could not keep his hands off you, calling you his wife any chance he could get. though you could barely eat, too excited for the events that will occur after you call it a night and it seemed ben could not wait either as his hands massaged any skin he could get and he pressed his head into your neck to smell you.

after way too long you two finally call it a night, ignoring the whistles of your friends you sprinted down the halls with bens hand in yours as the two of you laugh. You finally reach his room and the two of you simply stare at one another with stupid smiles. “have i told you that you are gorgeous?” you take a step towards him and he does the same, “only a couple hundred times.” his lips dance over yours and his next words come out as a hushed whisper, “i feel as though i have not done it enough.”

he kisses you slowly as his hands find its way to your back and begin to untie the dress much slower than you would like. his lips trail down your neck and you throw your head back. as he continues to unlace every tie, “ben.” you hear him rumble in annoyance, “why does this thing have so many ties?” you laugh and reach behind you to help him and your dress suddenly drops to the floor, leaving you bare in front of him. He steps back and his eyes dart all over your body.

You smirk and spin around for him, “you pleased?” he jumps you like a dog you fall back onto the bed with a squeal as he grips your tits in his hands, “i am more than fucking pleased.” you moan as his hands continue to knead at your skin and his lips dance around your collarbone. “you are wearing too much.” you manage to get out as you would much rather feel his skin against yours. he laughs and pulls away from you, “as my lady commands.” you sit up on your elbows as you watch him strip down into nothing licking your lips at him. he crawls back onto of you and you run your hands down his chest, “you were hiding all this under your stupid tunics.” he pinches your slide as his hands find your core and rub the folds of your slit, “does my lady wish for me to wear no shirt?” “your lady wishes for you to stick your fingers inside her.”

he does exactly as you say and grip his shoulder, his fingers were longer than yours, thicker and more coarse, which just two fingers he can reach places you had only ever dreamed about. “please ben.” “please what?” “another one.” he adds another finger and his lips wrap around one of your nipples as his free hand places with your other one. His fingers suddenly press just right against your walls and you cry out, “right there oh fuck.” he continues to hit that point over and over as his thumb circled around your clit. the stimulation of his fingers and his mouth are too much for you to bare and your legs shake as you release all over his fingers.

when he pulls his fingers out he wraps them around his cock. you whine at his actions and wiggle your hips towards him, “please fuck me ben.” he laughs and moans as his hand quickens, “i thought you had so many wonderful ideas of what were were going to do?” “lets save it for another night, ben please.”

“anything my lady says.” with a couple more tugs of his hand he lines himself up before he pushes into you slowly. it aches. stretches you out you begin to hiss, he presses his lips against yours as he slides in fully. the two of you stay like that for awhile. he doesn’t dare move an inch without your okay. he pulls away from your lips and grips your face with his hands, “are you good?” you nod and test the waters by moving your hips a little. It did not ache as much and the sound he lets out is more than enough to please you. “fuck me.” he looks at you for assurance and you nod right before he begins to move his hips. your legs wrap around his hips and you shove your head into his neck as he pounds into you.

your hands scratch down his back and he hisses, “fuck you feel so good.” you can do nothing but mumble nonsense as you such into the skin of his neck. the room full of the sounds of skin slapping and the wet sounds of him pushing in and out of you. You bite into his neck once his hand slips between you too and plays with your clit once again. “ben,” you could not stop the bubble feeling in your stomach, the hot rushes all over your body. your skins burned against one another you could start a fire. “im gonna,” you words have him somehow moving fast and you feel him nod against you, “please do please.” you realize he has been waiting for you to release, most likely already way beyond his peak. once he feels you spur around him he also release, painting the inside of your walls.

the two of you lay still. he does not dare slip out of you. the two of you are sweaty and sticky but you have never been happier when he pulls back to look at you. “we should have been doing thats sooner.” you laugh and slap his chest, “i was trying you fool but you would not give in.” you feel him grow harder inside of you but he slips out suddenly, before you can whine about feeling empty he flips you back over and quickly slips back into you. “lets make up for lost time then.”

[propertyofwicked]

SECRETS part 4 - LN

content warnings: fluff, angst, drama (the whole shabang).

ur girl is going back to working full time tomorrow so if we have slow updates blame my place of work. also, im still recovering from the 4am wakeup and lando p3

previous part -> next part

masterlist the playlist

“max pick up the damn phone,” y/n said, taking great strides across the paddock towards the car park. once again, the phone call had gone to voicemail. she clicked his contact details, ringing him again. only this time, it didn’t even ring. the phone went straight to voicemail. and to add to the matter, max’s car had disappeared from the car park.

y/n sat on the empty floor of the empty parking spot her brothers car had been in, opening up her phone to check the time and send a message to max, she probably should’ve waited for the mix of fear and anger to fade, but here she was, tapping aggressively at the screen of her phone.

if you think you can ignore me forever, you’ve got another thing coming

dont think you can jump to conclusions and throw a childlike strop about this.

but of course, the messages stayed on delivered for hours. it was at least 2 hours before lando’s caller id popped up on her phone, still with no word from max.

“hey, where did you go? mum said something about you walking off,” lando asked her the moment she answered the call.

“currently? i’m sat on the floor of the car park. where are you - ill walk over now,” she said bluntly. he stayed on the line until she entered the mclaren unit.

“y/n? what do you mean max has left?” panic rising in his voice as she walked up to him, his hands coming to rest on her waist.

“i mean he’s left. gone. driven off,” she said with a shrug, “he won’t answer my calls, hasn’t read my texts, he’s just gone.”

“he might be at the hotel? we’ll drive over in a bit and see?”

“i don’t think we should do anything, i think we might have done enough damage for one day.”

“y/n your brother has just driven off. you should at least try and check if he’s at the hotel.”

“fine, but i’m going alone.”

“let me try and talk to him first, you never know something might’ve happened with P?” lando said, still stroking her hips softly, desperately trying to think of any reason that his best friend had up and left.

4 unanswered calls later, and lando and y/n found themselves sat on the sofa in his driving room again, her head laying on her lap as he stroked her hair, trying to resolve the anxiety.

“i don’t care what he thinks, y/n. i feel so strongly about you and i think i have for years.”

“i think i have too. but i hate the thought of people disliking me, let alone my own brother.”

“i know, angel. he’ll come around soon, i promise.”

“that man held a grudge against me for years when i accidentally scraped the side of his kart when i was 12,” she said, laughing sadly at the memory of their parents having to sit them down in the living room and make them apologise to each other. the moment was quickly interrupted by her phone ringing, max’s caller id popping up on the screen.

“ma-”

“no. don’t talk to me. you two have lied to my face for years about this. lando promised me he would never even think about you in that way. and you, i don’t know what ive done to you for you to go behind my back and fuck my best friend but it’s not on.”

“max i-” lando tried to reason with him.

“oh, of course he’s there. just waiting for the moment i left to start fucking my sister, didn’t you?”

“it’s not like that, max.”

“no? then what is it like? ‘cos from where im standing it’s pretty clear he’s been waiting years to take advantage of my little sister,” he argued down the phone, venom rolling off his tongue.

“take advantage of me?” she scoffed, moving to sit up and hold the phone next to her mouth, “who the fuck do you think you are to talk to or about me in that way? who gave you the audacity to believe you have any control over who i choose to date? you couldn’t care less about protecting me, you only care about protecting yourself," she said, her voice raising and her finger moving to point as if he were stood in front of her.

“he’s not right for you.”

“that’s your opinion max. if you can’t trust me, or lando for that matter, then why should i bother giving you a moment more to talk down to me?”

lando sat silently next to her, playing with his own fingers. this was not his fight to fight right now. he’d speak to max privately later, right now, he knew y/n needed to stand up for herself, and god was she smashing it.

“why can’t you just listen to me?” max sighed, defeated, “i know what’s good for yo-”

“go fuck yourself,” she said, hanging up the call, and dropping her phone on the floor besides her. lando’s arms move to behind her waist, pulling her back to rest into him on the sofa. the room fell into silence.

“im sorry,” she mumbled.

“don’t be sorry. this is on him, and me. i should’ve told him the truth the first time round. hell, i should’ve told you the truth earlier.”

“i’ve ruined your big day, lan. p2 - you should be celebrating, not arguing with your best friend.”

“im with you - that’s celebration enough,” he said, happy to see her smile for the first time in hours. she moved to lay her head back down on lando’s lap, this time looking up at him. a knock on the door brought the two of them back to reality, and cisca walked in, adam trailing slightly behind.

y/n contemplated moving, jumping away from the boy who was currently running his hands through her hair, but it had only been 4 hours of hiding whatever was going on between the two of them and she was already bored of keeping up the pretence.

“y/n, love, did you find max?” cisca asked, eyes softening at the scene unfolding in front of her. had she secretly wished for this for years? maybe.

“yea, he um, he went home.”

“he’s not happy about this, is he?” adam said, pointing between the two of you, yet even he couldn’t help but smile slightly.

“not happy, fuming, absolutely raging - i guess you could say that,” she replied, laughing slightly to ease any tensions.

“he’ll come around lovely, he can’t stay mad at you. you’re his sister after all.”

“i love that you think so highly of my brother, cisca. he will go to the grave holding this grudge if he can.”

“ill talk to him later ang- y/n,” lando said, correcting himself quickly, not comfortable enough yet to be overly affectionate in front of his parents.

“good luck with that,” y/n joked, patting him on the arm sadly.

later that evening, y/n found herself sat on the floor of lando’s hotel rifling through her bag to find her pyjamas. earlier, her and lando had driven to her hotel room, to find that max had packed his stuff and left as expected. she didn’t want to be alone, and lando didn’t want to leave her alone. her phone began to ring, and she answered it praying it wasn’t max.

“y/n the videos of you are going feral on twitter right now,” her best friend, caitlin, shouted down the phone the moment she picked up.

“stop it - what are people saying?”

“erm, some people think it’s cute?” he friend responded, voice laced in slight worry.

“…and the rest of them think im a slut?” y/n added, but her friend only responded with a hum.

“what’s max said?”

“from what i remember, he drove off leaving me stranded at the track and then rang me to say i was making a mistake, i was a liar and he never wanted to speak to me or lando ever again.”

“taking it well then,” the girl responded, y/n could hear her eyes rolling. at that moment, lando emerged from the bathroom, with just a towel hanging around his waist. any words y/n intended to say got stuck in her throat. he took strides towards her, noticing she was on the phone and pressing a kiss to the top of her head, before moving to his own suitcase to find a change of clothes.

“y/n…are you in lando’s room right now?”

“maybe?” y/n responded in a guilty tone, quieter than she had before, glad lando couldn’t hear the girl on the other side of the phone. however, he seemed to clock on to the question from the small grin on her face.

“girl why did you answer the phone? go spend time with your new controversial boyfriend.”

“he’s not my b- you know what, i’m gonna go.”

“dont do anything i wouldn’t do, stay safe!” her friend added cheerily, laughing as she ended the call. cheery was the furthest emotion from what y/n felt at this moment in time.

once y/n was in her pyjamas, she moved her way back into the room, lando was sat up in bed, his back resting on the headboard, phone in hand. he looked up as she walked in, patting the spot next to him for her to join. her face fell into a look that screamed apprehension.

“y/n nothing bad will happen if you get into this bed and cuddle with me.”

“something bad already happened,” she said, climbing under the duvet next to him nonetheless. his hand reached behind her waist pulling her into his chest, her head coming to rest on him.

“im happy this happened, but im not happy about every thing that’s happening as a result," she told him, her eyes blinking slowly as the exhaustion from todays drama caught up with her.

“i know baby,” he responded, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “get some sleep. we’ll sort this out tomorrow, i promise.”

★ ☆ ✦ ✧ ✩ ✶

tag list: @harrysdimple05 @scopeiguess @hiireadstuff @landosgirlxoxo @natt9598 @phantomxoxo @val-writes @secretgal66 @ririyulife @littlehoneyfreak @leclercdream @mehrmonga @eviethetheatrefreak @thatoneembarrasingmoment @doofenshmirtzevil-inc @formula1mount @lottef1 @rayna-s @5starl1ght @cthgee

[icaruspendragon]

im sorry to ask but i dont know what else to do—how did you do it how did you dig yourself out because it feels like i am choking on dirt and people keep shoveling it onto me and i miss her so much and i dont know how to make this feeling stop. she was my best friend. ive never lived in a world without her before. how did you do it. how are you doing it

grief is so hard and so heavy when we first meet it. it feels like all our arms will ever hold for the rest of forever. and it is, in a sense. once we pick it up, we never really set it down. not fully.

and I don't think it gets lighter, I think we somehow, impossibly, get stronger.

there's lots of metaphors for grief. that's one of them. another one I like to use is that it feels like you're in the grave with them. like lazarus. like yourself. waiting for someone to raise you from the dead. to raise you both.

I've learned a lot about crawling out of the grave. more than I would have ever wanted to learn. like how emptiness is actually quite heavy. or how to pretend like you feel half-alive. but I think the most important thing I've learned is that somedays, we inexplicably end up back in it. and that sucks.

because we just spent months clawing our way through the bugs and the earth. because our soldier-hands have finally breached the surface. because the sun is finally caressing our hell-fresh faces. because for the first time in months we feel like we can finally breath. and then, suddenly, we're right back in the terrible thick of it.

those days make it feel like I'm sisyphus and grave dirt is my rock. or like I'm prometheus and the darkness is my eagle.

but then it's tuesday.

which is to say my brother died on my 25th birthday, a monday. and that day is now a memory that's fuzzy around the edges. single snapshots I know are connected, but I couldn't tell you how. I remember my mother standing in my bedroom and tears and family and phone calls and cleaning my living room because I didn't know what to do with my hands. I remember going to my grandmothers and my phone vibrating off the table and leaving to go get coffee because I couldn't sit still. I remember joking, trying to joke. trying to do whatever I could to make sense of that impossible day. I remember checking my phone and reading and rereading the messages, a mixed bag of congratulations for surviving another year and condolences that my brother didn't, I remember not knowing how to respond to any of them. so I didn't. I remember being surrounded by so many people doing nothing but extending love and kindness to me and never feeling more alone. the world was ending and I was alone. I thought that day would go on forever.

but it didn't.

it ended, as all things do. monday was over and my first day as an only child was done.

and suddenly it was tuesday. and everything was different but also exactly the same.

it was tuesday and my brother was dead. I was so heavy when I woke up that first tuesday. so heavy and confused. I thought the world had ended. it surely felt like it had. but it hadn't. because the world couldn't have ended on monday.

not if it was tuesday.

it was tuesday and my brother was dead but the world wasn't ending. monday should have been our demise, but it wasn't. and it hasn't. and it won't. because just as sure as we have mondays, we'll always have tuesdays.

that's something I've taken a strange comfort in, knowing that we'll always have tuesdays.

the feeling never stops. but I think that's okay. because you're only feeling that way because there was love first. and as much as what I felt on that first tuesday hurts, as much as it suffocates, as much as it consumes, I'd take the hurt and the suffocation and the consumption because the love I felt first will always, always be worth it.

tuesdays will always be worth it.

like yeah, if I loved less, it wouldn't hurt this bad. but I don't want to live in a world where I have to love less. where I was loved less.

I'll take the pain. I'll take the grave days. I'll take the rock. I'll take the eagle. I'll take apocalyptic, earthshaking mondays. I'll take every last wretched bit because goddamn what a miracle it is to love so bad it hurts this big.

I hold that love, his love for me and my love for him, a love that's now become our love in the cage of my ribs while I'm in the cage of the grave. and I dig.

it's monday and I dig.

I dig.

and then tuesday comes.

[darylsfavoritegirl]

hey pookies

Summary: Yall remember that episode where Daryl and Beth stay in this cabin after losing the prison (season 4, ep 12 to be exact) and thet play games like i have never.... and spend such a quality time and it's one of my fav episodes EVER! so it's fem!reader and Daryl but they play truth and dare and sort of open up about their feeling towards eachother because they're again friends with benefits lmao but it gets tense somehow👀😭😭 they find themselves in the midst of an argument etc etc and it goes on

This was requested by @duffmckagansbandana but ive also been fantasizing about this idea forever!! kalp kalbe karsiymis eheheheh

Warnings: Daryl being a dick because he is drunk and kinda slutshames the reader. Daryl grips the reader's wrists and it kinda hurts (?) a little bit of suggestive content. mentions of domestic violence/abuse

You held a glass of moonshine that Daryl found when you entered the wooden cabin. You were observing him securing the cabin incase something would occur.

"Looks secured enough to me." You mumbled spiritlessly. You took a sip of your moonshine as Daryl turned to you with a weary gaze.

"Ya really think dis the best time to get hammered?" He uttered in an evident blaséd tone. You ignored his question as he went back to securing the walls, windows. You wanted him to join you, drink booze with you, speak with you. The glass in your hand got warm before you could even consider to drink one more.

You observed his biceps flexing as he was fixing a hole on the wall. He was finally done. He turned to you, took a deep breath. You could see the sweat droplets on his forehead. His sleeveles black tshirt had damp spots around the neckline.

"You went the extra mile there." You said, failing to hide the waggish smirk bearing your face. He didn't respond to your statement but you saw the curls of his lips going upward.

He sat across you on the floor. His eyes were glossy, faint. You smiled softly as you poured him some moonshine. He gaped at you, anticipating you to stop. It was moonshine after all, God knows how long it had been sitting in this junk.

"Hey slow down." He uttered thinking you were gonna gulp down it yourself.

You saw his eyes following your motions when you passed the glass of moonshine to him.

"What? It's for you."

He didn't look at the glass once, his eyes were fixated on you

"Someone's got to keep watch." He spoke

You rolled your eyes in a cheeky way.

"No harm in drinking one glass."

"Go on." you added. Your eyes were pointing the dusty glass that was infront of him.

He gave in. He put the glass near his nostrils, sniffing the drink before taking a sip.

"That's a real drink right there." You said in a jolly tone.

" 's warm." He grumbled. He enjoyed drinking with you. The way you looked so content only made him cheer inside.

"Meh tha's a drawback." You said. You were popeyed. He couldn't deduce the basis of your zeal, yet he didn't question it furtherly.

You two spent a few minutes there, studying the cabin, studying each other when you decided to come up with something.

"You up for playing truth or dare?" You said in a hush that only left Daryl with a confounded face.

"What? Like kids?" He tittered lightly.

"You got a better idea?" You said with a significance of rebelliousness in your voice. You glared at him, waiting for a response.

"I'm worried about the others too but we can't spend this time just stressing one another." You muttered, avoiding an eye contact with him as you looked down at your drink and tapped the glass with your index and middle fingers. It was the reality. You were worried about the others, maybe even too much. However the best thing you could do at the moment was to hope for their well-being until you and Daryl started looking for them. He must've read your mind, he always did.

"Fine. Yea go first." He mouthed. Your mood shifted into a cheerful one by with just 4 words coming from him. You leaned forward slightly.

"Truth or dare." You queried. He leered at you in a gloomy way. You knew he was gonna end up savoring the game, one way or another in spite of feeling childhish at that moment.

"Truth.'' His tone barely above whisper.

You both took a sip from your drinks consecutively whilst you went on a ride in your head to come up with something to ask.

"What was your first impression about me?" You asked, not being able to hide the eagerness in your voice.

His eyes watched you cautiously. His gaze shifted somewhere else, trying to reckon the first day you met. A subtle smirk appeared on his face.

"Thought yea wer' cocky. Too cocky, even." He scoffed softly. You both stayed in quietude to remember the very first day you encountered with eachother. You chuckled.

"That was my coping mechanism. Confidence."

"Cocky." He opposed you in a childish manner, his eyebrows furrowed lightly at you.

You leered at him for a minute. You knew he was also thinking the first days when they took you in. You were drawing too much attention to yourself, pretty much everyone thought you'd be dead in a fortnight, though you didn't.

You sighed. Neither of you enjoyed thinking about any day in prison, it ached you in deep down. Neither of you could envision what your next move should be, spending this time in a wooden cabin in the middle of the woods didn't make it any better. You were in the midst of a chaos and it felt as if all your efforts were in the aim of lightening your agony.

Daryl reached for the moonshine jar that was sitting near you. He started pouring himself another drink. He almost filled the glass to the brim, peeking at you clandestinely incase you'd tried to stop him. You caught his leer and softly shrugged your shoulders indicating that you didn't mind.

He leaned against the wall of the cabin as he grunted. He took a big sip from his drink. You heard his gulp, the booze going down from his gullet. You couldn't help but chuckle at the sound, maybe you chuckled a little more than necessary. Gosh, you were getting lit; you thought to yourself.

Daryl guzzled up his second drink in less than a minute and poured himself another.

"Easy." You managed to say between your slowly-fading chuckles.

"And it's your turn." You hinted.

"Truth." You uttered without him having to ask.

He clattered an "Ahh." sound between his sips to imply he was notioning for a question. His eyes were locked on the ceiling, thinking, you glimpsed at his narrow, blue eyes. His gaze met with yours.

" 'S there sumthing ya didn't tell me 'bout the person ya wer'?" You looked dumbfounded, not catching what he could've meant by that. He must've read you like an open book. He scoffed " 'Fore all dis. 'Fore the world went to shit."

You couldn't fathom his question. He knew so much about you. He knew about your family that you stopped seeing after you moved to USA. He knew about your favorite childhood cartoons. He knew about your days as a school girl. He knew how you ended up in Georgia. He knew so much about you. Although he had never been the type to corner you with your life before the apocalpyse, you acknowledged that there must've been a lot of things you didn't tell him whether it was due to your choice or you never felt the need to do so.

"Yes." You said in cynicism. He remained silent. It was rather explicit that he wanted to investigate more; that he wanted you to elaborate.

Yet, you didn't. If he wanted to know more about you, he should've asked you more bluntly. You didn't avoid his piercing gaze. You could feel your nerves and brain going number with your increasing sips from the moonshine.

"I'm pretty sure there are atleast dozens of things I haven't told you about the person I once were."

He echoed a nonchalant glare. You, once again remained silent. You knew he'd always turn into an impossible and preposterous person to read whenever drunk. You questioned yourself. You questioned if this was a good idea after all.

He sighed. His eyes were narrower than before. He is getting wasted, you thought to yourself. You shifted your position wretchedly, grabbing your drink with both hands. You tried to put a constrained smile on your face.

The silence was unbearable so you spoke up. Your voice was raucity.

"So truth or dare?" You asked.

He gazed at you with a piercing look. You played the game not more than 5 minutes and the air had already started to feel stuffy due to intensity between you two. You couldn't understand why.

"Truth." He grunted involuntarily. He was only playing the game to pass time, to investigate and even corner you. His gaze was stern. Your smile faded away lightly. You thought of asking something private, asking something that was just about you two. Before you could even debate on that idea, you uttered

"Have you ever seen me as someone more than this?" You got hot. The alcohol was hitting you. You couldn't think clear, you spoke before giving it a second thought. You could feel your cheeks blushing. Your cheeks would never blush out of embarrassment nor humiliation. They would always blush when you did something extra, futile, stupid.

You didn't need to elaborate it. He knew exactly what you meant. He knew you had been wondering if he ever thought of you more than an appealing teammate whom he'd share a warm bed now and then. He had asked similiar questions to himself, always leaving them unsettled. He didn't want to give in, ever. He had to have a demenour where he wouldn't let anyone get too close. That was Daryl. Those were the obstacles he'd build towards anybody. You lifted your head only to meet his blue eyes. Daryl spoke the second he locked his eyes on yours.

"Ain't much of a world to keep your mind busy with that kinda stuff." He grunted. You got even hotter inside of your head.

"So, no?" You gawked.

"Didn't say dat." He looked at you with blank eyes. He didn't even get defensive whilst you were going nuts and trying your hardest to not make it plain. It was the intoxication. You were never like this. It was safe to say you did care about his feelings but you weren't a fool. You knew exactly how he'd close up, how well he'd hide in his shell.

"OK. It's your turn." You huffed as you darted away your eyes. Your temper highly depended on booze at the moment. You didn't need him to think that your mind was way too preoccupied with his words, the words that came out of his mouth with such ease. You hated the power he had on you sometimes.

He grunted with vexation as he shifted his position and leaned against the wall a bit more. Daryl rested his elbows on his knees, swinging his glass that had a little drink left in it in a motion. He kept eyeing you, so did you.

It was apparent that you both were bored to death, yet no one put forward the idea to stop it.

"Ya ever think 'bout the old world?" He grunted.

You raised your head, his eyes were squinting right at you.

"Didn't say truth." You hissed.

"Ya ain't gon' say dare neither."

"Right." You mumbled. He was biting on his pinky's nail out of lack of interest.

"Don't do that." You said as you grimaced.

"Ya gon' answer?" He insisted, his brows were slightly furrowed as he, not surprisingly, kept biting on his finger nails.

This game was all about you two finding something to bicker. You sighed. You were not looking at him but you could feel his eyes roaming all over you.

"Sometimes."

"Wish I could go back to those times." You whispered looking at the floor. Daryl's face darkened. You knew his life before the fall wasn't the greatest and perhaps this new world of silence, isolation was a jackpot for him. You caught his leer. Both of you remained in serenity.

You took a sip from the moonshine and asked the first thing that came to your mind.

"OK Daryl. Have you ever stolen something? like something big?" You begged with wide eyes. Only his eyes made you question yourself and your foolish question.

He kept swinging the glass in a slow motion as he narrowed his eyes at you. He wasn't offended. He wasn't angry.

"Ya know I didn't." He remarked. You sensed a sense of sorrow in his eyes yet you didn't step back, you never could when you were drunk.

"That's what you told me." You spoke, emphasizing the word "told" as if you were making it obvious that you didn't believe him. You kept your wide-eyed gaze. An undertone of exhilaration was on the surface of your voice.

"And after all, we barely knew eachother when we talked about this, right?" Stupid you, still couldn't make out what his gaze could've meant.

"Maybe you weren't being honest." You uttered.

"Come on. You must've done something with Merle." You insisted.

His gaze never left yours. You drank too much, you lost your basic human decency. Yet he responded spiritlessly.

"Was bein' honest." You could perceive that was the moment he lost all his interest in the game.

"Ain't no reason not to be, Merle was an ass."

He sighed. Great, now you reminded him his dead brother; at a time like this, in a place like this. Your smile and exhilaration vanished. Drunk you was never stable, you sighed as you looked down at your drink.

You lifted your head only to see him getting up, throwing his glass to the floor only for it to shatter in pieces. You flinched and leered at the pieces. You couldn't dare to look to his side. He grabbed his crossbow on the broken wooden table, slunged it over his shoulder.

"Imma take the first watch. Rest." He demanded. He breathed out before he left the cabin. You stayed there, not being able to move an inch. It was like you froze. You leered at the pieces of glass on the floor once again

"Fuck me." You groaned. You exhaled audibly, looking around the cabin. That was the moment when it hit you, he was drunk; way too drunk. God knows how he was holding up outside.

You immediatly got up, going out of kilter. You had been sitting for a long time, your body was cramping and you kept hitting to the dusty tables and chairs that were sitting in the middle of the cabin. Your head was spinning. You sauntered towards the door, grabbed the door handle. It made a squeaking sound that left you scrunching your nose.

"Come inside." You quaked, not looking at him. You were exhausted, maybe from the moonshine or maybe you were just, exhausted.

" 'm fine." He grunted. His back was facing you.

"Your drunk as much as me." You huffed with withered eyes. You were leaning against the door frame, your hand still gripping the door handle lightly.

Daryl scoffed.

"Your actin' like a child." You muttered under your breath. The alcohol was getting the best of you. His back was still facing you.

You leered at his messy hair, his vest, his arms gripping the crossbow. He was swaying in a slow motion, resting his weight on his right leg now and then.

"Just hate tha' ya still think 'm sum kinda redneck asshole." He muttered. He sounded rather disappointed, fed up with this whole situation.

"I don't." You whispered. Your eyes were wide, you couldn't process his words. He remained silent, typical Daryl.

"Daryl, I don't." You hissed as you grabbed the side of his vest, forcing him to face you.

He looked at your face with blank, stern eyes. You couldn't recognize the Daryl you knew in him. He didn't change his position, gripping the crossbow firmly as ever.

You were getting sentimental at his demenour. Your eyes were getting watery, you couldn't find words to utter. Nothing changed in him, in his cold stern stare that would make you hate yourself. He could never hurt you, that's what you told yourself but even a gaze of his could make you shatter inside. He got too close to you to a point where you could smell the booze from his breath. Deliberately, he rested all of his weight on you, cornering you against the door frame. You couldn't breath. He leered at your eyes with his blue piercing eyes for a hot minute when he spoke

"Ya'd be crumblin' 'n all if I spoke to ya 'bout your past." He hissed.

His glare was fixated on you as he got inside of the cabin. You breathed out quickly and wiped a tear that was to fall down on your cheek and looked at the woods.

"What the hell does that supposed to mean Daryl?" You turned to him. He was going through his backpack.

"Think ya kno' what I mean." He mumbled under his breath.

He grabbed a canned food and sat on the edge of small ladder. He wasn't looking at you but your gaze was at his fingers trying to get the canned food open.

"What if I don't?" You said calmly but at alert, waiting for his respond.

"I dun' kno'. Sellin' yer body for attention. Ring any bell?" He snapped, lifting his head to meet with your gaze. You stood there with complete silence, trying to process his words. His voice was pretty tall, which made you flinch.

"That's really low Daryl." You scoffed. You weren't offended, you were just astonished that he'd bring up your past as a barmaiden to hurt you.

"Right." He mocked. He was still on the small ladder, trying to open the canned food. He sighed as he threw it to the floor. He got up, completely ignoring you.

"Atleast I wasn't drifting behind Merle's ass, doing whatever he'd told me to do." You barked. You had lost yourself. You didn't care what your words would mean to him.

He turned to you, his arms flexing due to his firm grip on his crossbow. He got closer to you, his face was reddening. You could see his vein on his neck throbbing, he wasn't taking his eyes off of you. He clenched his jaw, lowering his eyebrows and leering at you with narrowed eyes.

" 'S tha' what'ca think?" He fumed.

"That's what I know." You uttered as you pout your face. You ran your hands through your hair to take a deep breath.

"Ya know nothing." He barked. He wasn't blinking.

"You were nothing." You whispered. Your eyes were getting red. You could feel them sting. Your vision blurred. Yet his rage was full of spitefullness. He gritted his teeth

"Pickin' up lonely dudes to get 'em pay ya was sumthin'?"

"Sumthin' yer dam' proud." He shouted as he pointed his index finger right at you.

You swallowed slowly. You were not looking at him.

"Just leave me be." You managed to mumble between your shaky, shallow breaths.

"No, I ain't gon' do dat." He boomed. He threw his crossbow on the mattres you two incompetently tried to turn into a cozy bed. He got closer to you, immediatly grabbing your wrists with his hands.

You looked at his hands grabbing both of your wrists quakingly. You weren't sorrowful nor furious. You were affronted at his grip on your wrists that left you in discomfort and almost, pain. You raised your head to meet with his hard-nosed gaze. You shook your forearms fiercely several times, hoping he would free you but he didn't. How could he do this do to you? Out of all the things out there, he chose to grip both your wrists. That was something you'd always highlight when you'd talk about the abuse you had to go through back when you lived with your family. How your father would grip your wrists and squeeze them thightly until you'd feel like passing out. You always told him how small it made you feel, how worthless. Didn't he say "What a dick" referring to your father. Now there he was, doing the exact same thing. You wouldn't believe it.

"Can't run yer mouth now, can yea?" He spat out. His voice was growing taller and taller. You tried to get to your other wrist with one hand only he would not let you;

"Daryl, you're hurting me." You panted, quickly exhaling. Your chest was going up and down rapidly, leaving you all panicked and crumbling under his brawny, firm grip. You looked directly into his eyes, looking for mercy; hoping this night would end without either one of you dying. His hard-nosed gaze not shifting into a softer manner at all.

You were still numb from the moonshine, so many thoughts pondering your head. You wanted to kiss him, end whatever this was. You were highly influenced by booze. You didn't care. You wanted to kiss him. You didn't know what the outcome would be.

So you did, you got on your tiptoes; your bodies were already too close. You closed your eyes and kissed him harshly on the lips. His grip on your wrists loosened, you almost toppled onto him which he didn't let it happen.

His strong hands grabbed the both sides of your face, pressing his lips onto yours like he pleaded for more of you. It all happened so swiftly that he shoved you on the wall harshly. He waited for a split second, his lips brushing yours. You could smell the pungent odour of alcohol mingled with the smell of cigarattes you smoked earlier that day. You didn't care. You wanted all of him. He panted rapidly against your lips. You stayed like that for a moment, his hands flawlessly placed on the temples of your head; the only thing you could hear was eachother's shaky breaths. You pressed your lips onto him once again. A tear that you had been holding so long fell down your cheek, you didn't mind. It was a joyful tear. You were both taking eachother breaths away that left your heart ponding like crazy. He rested all of his body weight on you, which you didn't complain this time. You could feel him growing under his jeans.

Your hands reached the collar of his vest and helped him take it off. You grabbed his bare shoulders and digged your fingernails into them. His hands shifted to your waist from the sides of your face. There was that void feeling in your stomach once again. How small you were compared to him, how you were like an insect which he could've crashed with his fingertips seconds ago.

You gasped when his hands went under your t-shirt, grabbing your hips and waist and stroking your skin. It became a sloppy kiss but you both liked it. Your whole body curved into his body, small moans escaping your mouth. He started going down on your neck from your plumpy lips. Your grabbed a fistful of his hair gently with your right hand, softly pushing his head down on your neck as he kept pecking on your soft skin.

You made up.

FOOTNOTE

Why is it actually so awkward do write even a basic kissing scene. it was painful. idk much about this fanfic it was way better in my mind but idc

@duffmckagansbandana deserves some credits too!! we exchanged so many thoughts during this :))

[ornii]

Folie a Deux IV: Jealousy

(I also Made an alternate Cover! Don’t know why)

A college student finally finished their midterm exams and makes their way back to the dorm. First thing they do when they enter is check YouTube and spot the perfect video.

Jenna Ortega and (F/n) (L/n) answer the Webs most searched questions. It plays as the two sit casually together.

“Hello I’m Jenna Ortega.”

“And I’m (F/n) (L/n), and we’re here to Answer the Webs most searched questions about us.”

The video begins as the duo take a board and answer various internet searches. (Y/n) tears off one.

“Is (Y/n)… Blind.” He said, he turns to the camera, staring at it as people try not to laugh.

“…No.” He answers, “It was just a Character I was playing, I’m not actually blind, but what I will say is that acting blind is a lot harder than you think.” He explains, Jenna eyes him as he looks at her.

“Okay so let’s say we’re doing a scene, and I have to listen to you, I can’t look directly at you even though I obviously want to, I have to basically look in your general direction but not directly at you.” He said, she nodded, admitting that makes sense.

“He’s smarter than he looks she says jokingly, the interviewer continues as another question pops up.

“How did.. Jenna Ortega and (F/n) (L/n) meet.” She said, “it was… the Grammys?” She Said and (Y/n) nodded.

“Yeah it was the 2020? I remember they told I was gonna sit next to Orgeta so I thought, “oh it’s probably Brian Orgeta or something.” This was my first Awards show so I was obviously anxious and I had a few things in my brain to say to break the ice, well it didn’t end well. I look to my left and this, beautiful girl just sat down next to me and, you remember the old windows PC’s and that blue screen sound effect they make? That was my brain.” He explains without cracking a single smirk, Jenna pursed her lips, trying not to laugh, also because he said she was beautiful.

“But yeah, ever since that, and us getting casted in Wednesday we’ve been friends ever since.”

“Yeah, Friends.” She mutters.

With the last question, they both tear it off and say in unison. “Are Jenna Ortega and (F/n) (L/n).. dating.” They look to the camera to speak but the video, hilariously and abruptly ends.

“So they cut the video for dramatic effect?” (Y/n) Asks Miss Ortega as he sits at a marble table inside a beautiful kitchen, it was part of a beautiful villa in Tuscany Italy. He asks the girl walking out of the room putting on a pair of gorgeous golden earrings, her hair done so well, adorning a beautiful gold trimmed Princess Line dress. He saw her and much like before, his brain couldn’t fathom her beautiful, he simply stood up and walked to the window, looking out to see the gorgeous countryside and it’s beautiful hills, perfectly matched by the slowly setting sun.

“I really appreciate you coming with me.” He said, “I mean getting invited to some ball was pretty scary.” He explains, Jenna shook her head. “It’s funny to hear that, I’ve been doing this since I was a kid, it’s natural to me.” She explains, walking next to him she also looks out the window. Taking in the slowly setting sun over the beautiful Italian mountainside.

“I could look at this forever.” She said, reveling in the beauty of the moment. (Y/n) nods, his phone suddenly rings, checking it was his manager and he reluctantly answers.

“Hello? Oh, yeah I’m just waiting I— oh, she did?” He said, Jenna turns to him, her interest growing in his conversion.

“That’s, fine? Okay.” He hangs up, and turns to Jenna.

“Apparently Olivia’s going too, so that’s fun.” He said, Jenna was taken aback slightly. Not expecting someone else.

“It’ll be nice to see her at least, cmon we should get going.”

The two were escorted, mostly driven to there. (Y/n) was humming to “Good 4 U”. Jenna, having a taste for music picks up.

“You must really like that song.” She said and (Y/n) nods, “Love it. Actually, I guess the boys version I made was okay, but nothin compares to the original.”

“Boys?” She replied, and (Y/n) reluctantly shows a video, it was a small recap of it all. (Y/n) releasing a version that swaps the protagonists of the song. Not to diss Olivia but to show that breakups are nasty on both ends. Turns out, Olivia loved it, and obviously retweeted it.

“Breakups suck on both ends a lot of times, it’d be like if you and I stopped being friends, we’d both be hurt.” He explains, Jenna sees the look in his eyes, she always found he was always honest, even if it was painful and the look in his Eyes, he would be hurt if they stopped. Jenna reached out, her hand almost grabbing his, until the vehicle stopped, they halted and prepared to make center stage, as the door opened (Y/n) stepped out first, adjusting his suit he then turns to the door and reaches out for Jenna, she smiles, taking his hand and steps out. The duo make their presence known.

Cameras flash and (Y/n) was still a bit novice at this, Jenna took it for the moment to make her power move, her arm wrapped around his and he was surprised but didn’t make any attempt to stop her, the two walk in to the Ball, adores with tapestry and music, it felt like the 1900’s once more, a whimsical prince with a beautiful princess on his arm, this was a fantasy to many, but a dream come true for (Y/n).

It was mostly mingling and talking, the two keeping close to each other. While they weren’t locked arms they were still in yelling distance, mingling and enjoying the ambiance. Staying in the Limelight, but something caught (Y/n) in the corner of his eye, a girl with sleek black hair approaching, in a large silver Ball gown, it was Olivia. She smiled and approached, (Y/n) was caught off guard by another beautiful woman talking to him first!

“(Y/n)?” She asks. (Y/n)s pep picked up and he smiles.

“Yeah, it’s nice to meet you!” He offers a handshake and Olivia kindly shakes it. Yeah we’ve talked on the internet before but, it’s weird in person.

“You come here alone?” (Y/n) asks.

“Yeah, it was nice to not be on tour or stuck making music, good to get out, you?” She replies, (Y/n) looks over.

“No, Jenna’s with me.” He said, Olivia nods in jest, “A nice date night then huh?” She said.

“What? No it’s, she came as a friend, I’m not too good with people.” (Y/n) awkwardly admits. Olivia looks around for a moment, spotting Miss Ortega, who sees the two chatting and, isn’t in the most enjoyable mood. Olivia smiles.

“Hey, Mind if we talk in private? Something I want to run by you.” She asks, (Y/n) casually agrees and Jenna watches the two walk away to a more secluded part of the Ballroom. Her frown was very prominent, and she sulked after, slowly following them. They pass by a pillar To the outside and Jenna has lost their trail, listening to any talking she picks something up, she follows past a pillar and to smaller balcony, she was suddenly stopped as (Y/n) came around the corner. They almost bumped into each other.

“Oh! Sorry!” (Y/n) said, Jenna’s worry faded as she looks around.

“It’s fine, so, what were you up to?” She asked.

“Olivia.” He said at first, “she wants to collaborate on a song, first collab for me!” He said with a giddy smile. Jenna couldn’t help herself with a smile. (Y/n) walks out to the Balcony and Miss Ortega soon follows.

“So, music?” She asked, “Yeah, she’s working on something called.. “Vampire.” Can’t say much more.”

“You aren’t taking any more acting roles, are you?” She said, a hint of sadness on it.

“I don’t know… I’m not really fit for it. I mean I had my first kiss on a Netflix show, am I really made for this?” He says to her, Jenna shrugs off his fears.

“It’s a rough thing at first but… wait, First?” She asks, not fully catching that first part. (Y/n), lacking any awareness nods.

“Yeah, that scene we did after my character did that whole speech and Wednesday had that vision.” He explains, Jenna blinks a few times in disbelief.

“Was I..?” She asks, trailing on. (Y/n) awkwardly nods. “Yeah, you were my first Kiss. So, how did I do?” He admits, for the moment the roles were reversed, Jenna was the dumbfounded fool whose heart skipped a bit. Jenna’s face was perfectly lit by the moonlight which hid her growing blush, she turns to face the party, hiding her smile so much.

“You did… you did fine..” she said, and calmly but confidently walked back to the Ball.

[ndoandou]

Ikevamp bois playing modern games part 2

Vincent

Vincent is way into.. gartic phone

Qnd perhaps skribble.io

Like way into it

He would sit down 12 hours in front of the computer and guess what HES BEEN PLAYING GARTIC PHONE AND SKRIBBLE.IO IN A LOBBY OF RANDOMS

12 HRS IN HES STILL NOT DONE WITH BOTH GAMES

Hed obv speedrun a drawing in a short period of time and manage to make it look *chefs kiss*

Imagine if skribble.io had a vc feature tho

No no, like imagine if people were actually toxic in this goofy ahh game

They would yell down vincent down the mic telling him to go play with photoshop

Randoms are salty that vincent can draw and portray even the most ridicilous prompts which results him with the highest score always

Not to mention hes really good at guessing even the shittiest drawimgs from other ppl

"Broer how- that persons drawing looks ridicilous, even arthur's dog could draw that"

"Don't be mean theo! I could guess the drawing from the emotional connection i felt from it"

Jean

Jean has a shitty brick nokia phone

And he really loves playing snake II

No im serious

Well i suppose momte doesnt trust him with any other phones than that

the last time he was given a smartphone he downloaded some hack and slash game

took the word slash literally and then proceeded to cut the phone into two

comte was too stunned to speak

momte didn’t want his kids to miss out on gadgets but he cant have jean destroying his smartphone

BINGO! a nokia 3310 it is! 

jean didnt know how to react at first, but he found it easier to navigate and thats when he found out baout snake II

found it a bit pointless at first but despite saying that, he doesnt realize that thats the only thing he does besids fencing

snake II is his pre workout

the only thing he will be doing before his fencing practice

before meals

and before bed

‘‘jean are you sure you haven’t had enough of snake II..?’‘ comte asked causiously as he never know how his son Jean would react

jean looked at comte and stayed silent for a hot minute

‘‘no’‘

Napoleon

OK FLASH BACK TO MY E BOY NAPOLEON FANART FROM 2021

its official

He plays league of legends

Napoleon is deffo a jungle/top main

Jungle preferabbly

Bros actually cracked coz hed turn any non meta champs into an absolute beast

I see him being especially good with pantheon jungle

Hed play league with jean tbh

And jean would be a dedicated top

But i dont see jean being the best player..

No, like imagine napoleon defending jean from "top troll" and getting spammed "?" On his lane

Napo would literally go to that persons lane just to steal their minion last hits

If hes feeling extra hed even use pantheons ult to yeet over to that player to ks all the minions on that person's lane 😭

"Jgl troll gg"

Ok napo is actually not toxic and is rly nice to play with

Hed even supp for you if ur learning a new champ

Hes only toxic to people who are toxic to his buddies

Comte

Ill be honest

Comte looks like someone who would download all games from every ad pop up he gets

And im talking about anything gacha related

He does not care whether the game is explicit or not as long as he can collect pretty characters

Is he interested in the gameplay??? Probably not.

"For what reason did you spend $$$$$$ on xxx game???" Leonardo asked as he scrolled through comte's in game billings, cocking an eyebrow

"Hm? Well i simply wanted to collect all of these lovely looking characters."

"Without leveling up your characters?"

"Non"

"Do you understand how to play this game?"

Comte only looked at him with his unwavering smile

"honestly this is the most ridicilous spending ive witness from you, heh" Leo snorted

"Much appreciated, but i dont recal asking for any input, old friend" comte retorted

Leo looked at him and sighed

"Honestly at this point i shouldn't be surprised"

.

.

This took me forever to upload because i coulndn't figure what type of game comte would play then one day i was like AHAAAAA

Also i didn't proof read as always so pls dont chop my head off :"))

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Hello again. Sorry to hear school is stressing you out!! I know there are people who want a super dramatic love confession or realization (and I think it would be fitting and make a lot of sense particularly because of how neither buck nor Eddie seem to think about it a lot when they have their domestic moments) but I think it would be super cute if we have a scene in the kitchen (love is stored in the kitchen)(I love Buddie moments in the kitchen I apologize) where buck and Eddie are just talking while buck cooks or Eddie cleans or something and the other is sitting there just watching as they go about the kitchen maybe buck is talking about whatever he’s been reading about or listening to while Eddie listens occasionally throwing in a comment or joke and you can just feel the ease and love in the interaction and Eddie realizes that this is what he’s always wanted. This is how he’s always wanted to feel about his exs. That buck in his space feels more normal and easy then anything he’s ever done with even Shannon. He either sits on it freaking out a bit or just softly tells Buck he loves him because he needs buck to know that he is loved (that don’t really fit the scene I laid out it would definitely fit better in a situation where buck is full with self doubt and hurt and Eddie needs buck to hear him (because, Evan type thing) and understand that it doesn’t matter if everyone is against Buck because Eddie lives him no matter what but that is why I don’t normally talk about this or write fics. My brain goes everywhere and nowhere or makes things to sappy or sad😔 anyway). I go back and forth on who I want to confess/ kiss the other first but either way I would love a soft kitchen scene

Anyway I would love to hear some ways you think buddie could get together that you think don’t get enough attention or what one of you’re favorite ways it happened was and I hope school gets better!! I hope the state of the fandom isn’t adding any stress🩵🩵 have a good day/ night

I love this song and hope you will to!! I think it’s cute and j like to imagine a scene where buck and eddie get home and fall in bed next each other just completely wiped but can’t quite fall asleep so they just turn resting their forehead together with their eyes closed (or with one or both just tracing the others face with their eyes while they just talk(🤭) to each other letting the comfort of them just breathing the same air calm their nerves until they both just slowly let sleep take them under until they have to go pick Chris up from school

https://open.spotify.com/track/14Lmwi0Quf5tHfsINcYdzi?si=1b6reg8JT_2mGvXFic9sfQ

Enjoy and feel better!! Sorry I didn’t send one sooner I was busy and then I could find a song that for the energy?? Anyways hope you don’t mind me sending a long ask and song again (also sorry I’m kinda a whore for forehead touches and kisses)

bestie im so sorry im just now getting to this one ik it’s been sitting in my inbox since yesterday but i had to scroll back through my account to find a specific post and it toom forever but i found it

I talk here about my kind of “ideal” way for buddie to go canon in s8 in a similar way, but i think having their fist onscreen kiss be in eddie’s kitchen is an absolute must have

but i really do love the idea of them getting together in such a normal casual way bc it would be so refreshing for the show to not make it a THING and just have it be like “yeah, this is right, this makes sense.” and like don’t get me wrong i will take buddie canon however they give it to us, but i like thinking about the soft casual non-dramatic moments too.

I am also a slut for soft forhead touches and i will be suing abc and tim minear for emotional distress if they don’t give us some buddie forehead touches or couch cuddles soon bc it is a psychological need at this point

also i can’t wait to give the song a listen <3

[actualbird]

hi zak! I saw the tags you left on a reblogged post about Luke and suffering in relation to catholicism and that made me think. one of my classmates used to mention "the catholic guilt" (particularly about having desire), and I just thought it fits Luke so well. He felt so guilty about loving Rosa (and leaving her alone...) for so long T-T. Also, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about catholic and filipino luke if you'd like to write about it!

irt to these deranged tags i left on this post abt suffering as salvation and luke forever ago, screencapped below for reference

hello hello! sorry this response took Ages but now im finally down to answer this so....

//steeples hands.....is luke pearce catholic coded? to Me, yes, and ive been casually throwing around this concept ever since 2021 HAHA. the filipino bit is actually just me projecting, so i wont go too much into that, but the religious bit Is something i wanna talk about. and i apologize in advanced for how long this response is gonna end up being

quick disclaimer b4 i start tho: im Not a theologian or an expert in religious theory, im just some guy who went through over a decade of catholic school and lives in the philippines, a primarily catholic country. this whole response is not saying "catholicism bad." it's more the institutions from where we experience catholicism from can twist it into something harmful, and i got to experience that first hand and how it affects one's view of themselves

ANYHOO, LET'S START FROM THE BEGINNING

like....the Beginning beginning

part 1: in the beginning, adam and eve did an oopsie so now we're all saddled with original sin (i swear this is important to luke pearce, bear with me)

quick recap on those who are unfamiliar: in the book of Genesis, god told adam and eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge. and then they did. this was the first ever sin in the history of humankind, and it is inherited by all humans through birth. so like, yay, happy entrance into the world, newly born baby child! you are guilty of sin already. this original sin is most usually absolved though through baptism, so it's not too much of a problem. but what im interested here is less of the nitty gritty semantics and more of the concept this all puts forth:

that under catholicism and similar denominations, a child, somebody who has not done any wrong at all, is inherently tainted by sin

now, the Good reaction to sin or any wrongdoing one has done is to recognize it and to atone for forgiveness. and within the "recognition" part is where guilt lies. functionally, guilt has a purpose. it makes us realize that we had done something wrong, it makes us feel remorseful, and it adds motivation to atone, to turn a new leaf, and to be better. in healthy amounts, guilt is useful and a natural part of being conscious over the things you do. and in unhealthy amounts, guilt is agonizing.

but thats for stuff you actually Did.

if the thing you are guilty for isnt actually something you were responsible over, the guilt cant do anything to make any of it better. you cant be a better person from it, because you didnt even do it. it just sits there, making you feel horrible for something that was out of your control. but because guilt is a Good thing to do, it doesnt matter if it's functional or not. it needs to stay. because it's Good, and the sin youre saddled with (whether or not you were responsible) is Bad

now let's bring in luke

luke's parents died when he was very young. this led him to living with mc's family, and a huge insecurity and fear he had from the beginning was that he felt guilty for burdening them, for stealing the love and care from mc's parents when that shouldve been for mc alone. the story SSR Shape Of You goes into this particular childhood experience extensively (and i highly reccommend it to anyone who hasnt read it yet), and tells us that his guilt was so bad that he wanted to run away and even erase himself from existence.

but luke didnt even do anything wrong

at the time, he was a child. he had no bearing whatsoever in the accident that killed his parents, he had no sway over who wouldve ended up looking after him, he had no control over the situation. like a newborn baby born under catholic doctrine, luke finds himself inherently tainted by and guilty for the circumstances that landed him to where he was.

this kind of pattern is going to follow him for the rest of his life, and the concept of inherent sin and inherent guilt begins to evolve. if luke can find himself guilty for things out of his control, then he can also find himself guilty for things that arent even sins in the first place

key example: love

like you said, luke feels immense guilt over loving mc. but why? love is the opposite of a sin, afterall.

it's just a sin when luke does it. because luke sees himself as inherently bad, and sees mc as inherently good. he sees himself as unworthy of her or someone who will just bring pain into her life, and causing pain someone you love is bad. if love is the knife he uses to hurt someone he loves, then that love is bad. that love should not be realized, and luke should feel guilty for even yearning for her.

by this point i think it's obvious that original concept has become twisted and overly punishing, even cruel. and thats because:

a lot of institutions teach catholic doctrine in an unhealthy and harmful manner. this is why many catholics and lapsed catholics experience The Catholic Guilt(TM). what was originally a pretty reasonable thing gets blown out of proportion from the places we learn these things from, and then getting exposed to this for majority of our lives lets it worm its way into our brain where it'll tend to stay

and if one's brain also has a tendency for self hatred and/or mental illness........well. it all gets worse.

it's clear in canon that luke is uhhhh not the most mentally well individual. his guilt is so overwhelming that it's the driving force in so many of his choices, stories, and experiences. which is big reason #1 for why luke just seems so catholic to me, because of the sheer intensity of his guilt and how he sees himself as inherently bad and unworthy.

but in the roadmap of sin, thats only the beginning. because the process goes:

sin (bad) -> recognition of the bad aided by guilt (good) -> atonement to become better (good)

which leads to big reason #2

part 2: suffering, pain, and misery as atonement

it's important to note that catholicism does not posit that "suffering is good", but there is a clear pattern of veneration for people who endure suffering under noble causes. many, many people in catholic history have been martyred (and many also sainted), one of the biggest examples being jesus himself.

pain is not good, but someone who chooses to take it on for good reasons (self-sacrifice, martyrdom, putting others above one's self) or stays good in spite of all the pain they experienced (unwavering faith, a heart of gold), well, THAT person is good.

however, like a lot of stuff in catholicism, things get twisted into extreme variations because of how it gets taught or experienced. it doesnt take a genius to see how "people who endured pain for good reasons were brave and devoted people" can transform into "to experience pain is inherently noble" when you take into consideration that many sins (like, of the seven deadly sins variety, pride, sloth, lust, etc etc) are variations of indulgence.

specifically over-indulgence, yes, but there's a dichotomy now. here, in the list of Good Stuff are things that feel not-so-good, and over in the list of Bad Stuff are things that do feel good

bad stuff is a sin, and from part 1, sins are things you should be guilty for

and now, to feel good is also bad, so you should be guilty for that. which reinforces the concept that to feel bad is good.

congratulations, you've unintentionally glorified suffering and demonized pleasure! //sad trumpet noises

you can see this kind of thinking pretty clearly in luke pearce. there are the big examples like the previous one i brought up, where he feels so guilty for his feelings for mc. but it appears even in smaller casual situations, like in his 1st birthday event story. this moment was seared into my brain

"can i look forward to this?" is indicative of hesitating in the face of happiness. even something as mundane as anticipating a birthday surprise is something to be approached with caution, feels too good to be true, to be allowed, because feeling good is bad and luke doesnt see himself worthy of it

but okay, we're all guilty now of the horrible sin of enjoying life. what comes next? atonement, becoming better, growing from the bad to become good, right?

and what better way to cleanse one's self from the sin of feeling good but through the nobleness of enduring pain?

luke is guilty over the sin robbing burdening mc and her family -> thats okay he's leaving for college anyway! wont be able to burden them there -> oopsie the NSB happens but hey at least this lone wolf suffering is a great way to atone for his past sin -> oh god the guilt of abandoning mc though -> oh GOD the mission that killed everybody but him -> NEW ACHIEVEMENT: SURVIVOR'S GUILT ON TOP OF THE CATHOLIC GUILT! -> oh GOD he's even guiltier now of his feelings for mc because of his illness, he'll only bring pain to her, how selfish of him to have feelings like this, bad and wrong -> the best way to handle this is to stay away from her to let her live in peace (lacking the pain that luke will bring) and deprive himself of her who brings him joy (inflicting pain of separation onto sinner as punishment) -> the path to salvation (to being good, because only in being Good is someone worthy of love) is through constant suffering and endless self-deprivation

kinda insane how luke's self-perceived sins and self-inflicted sufferings gain compound interest of misery, but his spiral into self-loathing is littered with this kind of nonsensical "because i did [THING], i should deserve pain/NOT deserve happiness"

for luke, suffering became the mode of atonement, it became the solution for sin and guilt.

part 3: conclusion

to wrap this all up, i wanna make it clear that i dont necessarily think luke is like, catholic in the story. nor is even it a headcanon i have. it's more that the intensely self-punishing thought patterns luke has in relation to guilt and suffering are very, very familiar. it resonates in a way that is horridly relatable to people who have experienced these specific catholic experience woes, but it can also resonate in completely different ways to other people as well.

but given that....yeah. based on my own experiences, all this //gestures at too-long response, is why i keep using catholic language and imagery whenever i talk about luke. it's so familiar. he's so familiar. luke would not be out of place in a filipino catholic high school crying during a 3 day retreat

thanks for the ask!!!

[factorialsotherfandoms]

Pac is curled on the sofa beside Forever's bed, watching him rest. It has been over a day now and nearly two - his vitals remain stable, the machinery dug up to keep monitoring him a reassurance, but he is worried. People should not be unconscious for so long, and there is so good way for the group to feed him. Even if they could find an IV, who knows how to use it? And would they have the right things to put in it?

It might be Pac's own fault, he knows; for giving Cellbit notes which lead him to an antidote which did damage to them, or perhaps for falling to the drugs himself and so not getting the antidote to Forever before more damage was done. With the amount Forever had taken, who knows how badly it wrecked his system?

Everyone always reassured Pac when he spoke to them, and the words seemed true, but alone with Forever and the monitors... It is much, much harder to hold onto hope.

They had no Doctor on the island, the closest options being those who had saved allies lives on the battlefield, the potion makers, and arguably himself - Pac, unlike many of the others, was at least familiar with human anatomy. You had to be, to make some of Chume Labs' creations work - prosthetics, mostly.

Cellbit would be here soon, taking over to watch Forever for the last bit of the night while Pac got some sleep before his early start. They had arranged shifts between themselves, making sure Forever was never alone - Philza first, while the island was busy, then Pac as things started to die down, and then Cellbit in the dead of the night. Bad and Tubbo and Fit and Antoine and everyone else would come by and spend some time with him, too - even Slime, though he had somehow wrecked half of the furniture in three minutes there.

Accidentally, Tubbo said. Knowing Slime to be the only person clumsier than Pac, it is maybe even true.

Pac would have expected Baghera sooner or later, but... It really did just confirm that, like Mike, she is missing. More of the island ripped away, and people barely even noticed...

The eggs, Baghera, Mike... How can Pac protect anyone, when he does not even know truly what they were facing? When something so, so terrible the eggs fled without their clothes is coming, and still nobody knows what it even might be.

Cellbit is late, now - by three minutes, and then four. Pac tugs on his sleeves and curls deeper into the sofa, flickering between Forever and the door and dreading when it makes thirty minutes without contact and he can call Cellbit also lost once more.

Thankfully it does not come to that - at seven minutes and thirty six seconds late, Cellbit knocks at, and then opens, the door.

"Sorry, I couldn't get Tubbo to shut up," Cellbit looks exhausted and more than half way to death himself. "He might have found a lead on the eggs - we're not sure. Got some things to think on now, and going out again to look tomorrow."

"A lead?" Pac's ears perk up with his eyes.

"He found copies of their items in a room at the centre of a maze," Cellbit yawns a little, and sits himself down. "There's a roulette wheel in the centre, and its impossible to get to them - the kid managed to find a way, but when he spun the wheel lava poured down. Items were fine, but he's a bit singed."

Pac gives a weak but genuine laugh, "sounds like him."

Cellbit shakes his head.

"Sounds like you," Pac follows up with.

"I was never this bad."

"You were," Pac leans over, resting his head on Cellbit's shoulder, "and, if you knew half of the things he did about engineering, you would be much, much worse."

"... Did I scare you?" Cellbit's voice is quiet as he takes one of Pac's hands.

"Tubbo does too," Pac squeezes it, watches Forever breathe, and puts a little more weight on Cellbit's arm. "Is we all being safe and happy too much to ask?"

"It shouldn't be."

The silence reigns a little while.

Cellbit squeezes his hand, frowns, and continues, "but I suppose it must be. So we fight for it, and we work for it, and we use whatever we have to keep our family and friends safe."

"Forever is still unconscious, do you think I-"

"If it were the antidote being toxic, you would be with him, so it has to be damage the drug did to him," Cellbit is blunt about that at least. "You saved him. We'd have never found an antidote in time without you sacrificing yourself to get some. I mean, you know what the missing ingredient was?"

Pac shakes his head.

"The drug itself. And we would never have been able to steal some from Forever. We had plans to try, but a four digit combination lock with no clues? It would have taken hours. And then we'd have still had to work out what to do with it - we wouldn't have known about the fermented spider's eye without you taking it," Cellbit puzzles through it. "Really I was kind of useless to the whole thing - you got the drug, Bad had the brewing stand, Philza had the eyes... I didn't even know how to use the damn thing."

"I should teach you," Pac says. "In case it happens again."

"Please don't."

"If it saves someone..."

"I know."

Cellbit puts his arm around Pac's shoulder and squeezes.

Pac wriggles an arm behind Cellbit's back, and hugs him too.

"Nobody even knows if he'll be okay," Pac whispers. "I might have been too late..."

"If you were too late, I was too," Cellbit says. "It took me longer than it should to find everything, too busy reading other things, thinking of other enigmas... Delaying calling Philza and Bad to the meeting room because Bad says 'owo' and Philza typed back with a smiley face."

Pac laughs. He doesn't mean to, but he does, "paranoia get to you?"

"Have you seen this island!" Cellbit waves around with the arm not around Pac. "Everything is trying to kill us! Except for each other. All we have is each other."

He thinks of Foolish arresting him for a crime which never happened - Mr Mustard now safely in the capybara village. He thinks of the secrets and the lies and the nervousness; he frowns and he says "do we?"

"Yes," Cellbit says without a doubt. "If nothing else - I have you and Roier and Felps and Forever and Mike. I trust all of you."

"I trust you too," and Pac finds that he does. He thinks a little more and adds "I trust Fit. I'd trust Tubbo to save me but not with information or to keep himself safe. I don't speak much with Philza, but I'd trust him with Richarlyson and Forever. Bad, with our egg. I think... If I were in trouble, I think almost everyone would help in what ways they could. I think if they were in trouble, I would do what I can. I'm not sure I'd trust many of them with my family, but I'd trust them with me."

Cellbit smiles, "it's a lot, isn't it? So many people..."

"It really is," Pac whispers back. "When I was rescued... I don't think I've ever had so many people worried about me. At the orphanage there were even more people, but it was only Mike who cared, and then..."

"And then," Cellbit agrees. "Bad you can trust, and Philza too. I would vouch for them both on that."

"You sure?"

"They're not /family/," Cellbit says. "But if family's in danger and they're around, I wouldn't hesitate to ask them for help; Philza was even already planning something, with Fit and Etoiles, and it was about the plan I had before seeing your messages."

"You had another plan?"

"Kill Forever and take the drugs from his corpse," Cellbit winced. "Though given the strength of the antidote... I imagine it wouldn't have gone well."

"Without knowing the drug it seems like a good one."

"And you were the one who got us the information to actually save him," Cellbit hugs Pac closer. "I know it looks bad now, but... But he's alive, and healing, and /safe/. You did it Pac, you did it."

"We did it."

The number of affirmations and praise are a little overwhelming, enough so he almost missed the tears being blinked back in Cellbit's eyes.

He does not miss them, though, so Pac wriggles out and pulls Cellbit into a proper hug.

"He's safe now," Pac repeats Cellbit's words back to him. "And once he's healed, we'll find Mike, and Richarlyson, and find a way off this island. Just like we promised, right?"

"Right," Cellbit says, between silent tears. "Exactly. And I've got-"

"To sleep more," Pac finishes. "You don't think as well when you're tired."

"I've got to watch Forever."

"I mean tomorrow night," Pac rests his chin on Cellbit's head. "It's my turn to sleep now."

"Alright."

Despite the words, neither of them move an inch. Tonight, Pac falls asleep on that sofa, and in the morning he'll wake with his head in Cellbit's lap.

[underratedandoverit]

Not Even Thinking Twice

~2k words orangekip (orange cassidy/kip sabian)

i watched bte, im fairly certain i saw oc in the background of kips title "defense" for like a solid second, so cause im like this we have a fic

first thing ive touched in like.. a week. this feels, at least to me, a bit different than my usual style, but it picks up its usual perks closer to the end. i just wanted to do something less angsty and more fun, and i feel like its more of that? also this is my first non-established relationship orangekip fic in forever so yeah the vibes are definitely different lmao

anyways, this is here, i hope its worth anything. they just needed to make out in my brain ajsndkjasnd

on ao3

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate @ss-trashboat

---------------------------

Kip chuckled to himself quietly as he waltzed around the locker room, packing his things away for the night. It had been a relatively uneventful and kind of a slow night, but one he had really enjoyed despite all that. As he passed by the couch, Kip stole a glance towards the BTE title comfortably sitting on it, a quick smile gracing his lips at the sight of the gold he held. Well, it was more about finally being able to successfully defend it than just holding it, as he had done that mostly in secret the past year now, but just the sight of the single title belt made him crack a genuine smile.

Folding his tights into his bag, the kickpads and boots soon followed, Kip humming in clear content at his handiworks. As he spun around on his heels, ready to fetch some more items he needed to pack away before leaving the arena to head back to the hotel, he stopped on the spot, eyes locking onto the door as he heard a quiet knock coming from it.

Kip’s eyes narrowed a little, his extremely good mood gone almost instantly just at the mere thought that someone might be needing his attention right now. He sighed, brushing a hand through his hair before making his way across the room, pulling the door open as there was another quiet knock on it.

His eyes narrowed just a little bit more as Kip spotted Orange Cassidy standing on the other side of the door, hand still raised from the previous knock, staring back at Kip through his reflective sunglasses.

“Well if it isn’t my sweet little Clementine.” Kip forced a smile on his lips, gritting his teeth together at the sight of his self-proclaimed arch nemesis. Cassidy just lazily nodded his head as a greeting, leaning against the door frame as his hand dropped down, both of them shooting to the pockets of his jeans. “What a surprise.”

Cassidy didn’t reply back at him, only shrugged his shoulders. Kip stared back at him, eyes quickly looking the denim-clad man up and down. Not that he was expecting anything that was different about him than usually, but Kip was just hoping that fully checking him out would give him some kind of a hint of what the blond wanted from him. Unfortunately for Kip though, he came up with nothing, only looking like a fool by measuring the man standing in front of him.

“…I want a title shot.”

Kip’s eyes shot back up, widening a little at the sudden demanding tone he was getting back from his visitor. He couldn’t hold back a chuckle, it escaping him in a slightly taunting tone, even.

“A title shot? Aren’t you a little mistaken, as I don’t hold any titles around here.”

Cassidy inhaled deeply, looking away for a brief second as if to compose himself before his eyes landed back on Kip. “Not a tv title, Kip. The BTE title. I want a shot at that.”

Kip let out another chuckle, but this time instead of malice, it was filled with nervous energy.

“BTE title? You?” He sighed, almost a wave of relief washing over him as Kip processed his words, finally shaking his head at Cassidy. “Dream on, Clementine. There’s no way you’re ever going to get a shot at gold like that.”

Cassidy shrugged again, his stoic expression never changing despite Kip’s mocking tone.

“Could I at least plead my case?”

Kip stared back at him, brows furrowing in slight confusion. Cassidy clearly came prepared for this encounter and every objection the Brit would be throwing at him, and Kip would have lied if he had said that he wasn’t now interested in hearing about what the blond had in mind. He knew Cassidy more than well enough to understand that he had something interesting up his sleeve for this.

Besides, even if he somehow managed to talk a title shot out of him, Cassidy still had to make it through the stand-ins first before getting a shot at his precious championship gold. The external powers really had to be against him for Kip to lose in this situation.

On the outside he frowned a little as Kip stepped to the side from the doorway, motioning Cassidy to step inside. The blond followed his instructions, Kip watching as he lazily dragged himself into the locker room, Kip shutting the door after him. It didn’t seem to affect Cassidy at all, as the man stopped, glancing around the room, before slowly making his way over to the couch, stopping in front of it to stare at the BTE title that had obviously caught his eye.

Kip walked up to him, stopping next to Cassidy, almost mockingly reaching down for the title belt, throwing it on his shoulder before flashing a grin at the other man who’s eyes followed the movement of the gold that was now at his arms reach.

“As you can see, dearest Clementine,” Kip smirked, giving a little pat to the belt on his shoulder, stopping for a second to admire his reflection on the golden surface of the title. “The title is in safe hands. I doubt anything you can offer me will make you worth a shot at it.”

Cassidy looked at him for a moment before his eyes shifted slightly more towards the title. Kip observed him, waiting for the blond to open his mouth, to talk back at him. That’s what he had come here to do, right? To make his case why he would be the rightful next challenger for the title?

Before Kip could question him about it, Cassidy turned fully towards him, slowly removing the sunglasses from his face. It still occasionally caught Kip off guard with how intense blue his eyes were, this definitely being one of those times as he didn’t even try to fight it as Cassidy reached for the title on his shoulder, removing it with ease and dropping it on the couch, away from Kip’s reach, with a rather loud thud, that seemed to shake the Brit from his trance.

“What--”

Kip wasn’t allowed to finish the sentence as Cassidy suddenly had a fistful of his shirt in his grasp, first pulling the Brit closer before pushing him away, shoving him down on the couch. Being forced to sit down Kip let out a surprised yelp at the suddenly rough handling of himself, being too late to fight back after he found himself down on the couch as Cassidy pressed on, easily straddling Kip’s lap, grabbing a hold of both of his arms, pinning his wrists against the back of the couch with ease.

In the silence that fell in the locker room after the flurry of the sudden events, Kip could hear his heartbeat in his ears, a soft blush crossing his cheeks at the thought that with the hold Cassidy had of him and their close proximity, the blond also had to be aware of his accelerated heart rate. The blond didn’t, however, seem to have a reaction to it, as he just stared back at Kip, almost as if he was waiting for the Brit to object to his actions again.

“I want a title shot.”

Kip blinked at him, the stern voice sending a soft shiver down his spine. Kip Sabian wasn’t usually the kind of a man that listened what he was told to do, to be honest he was barely listening to others at all most of the time, but something about the way the usually lazy and quite honestly boring Orange Cassidy was suddenly making such demands on him, it almost made Kip want to give up to his demands on the spot.

It took a moment for it to actually dawn on Kip what he was thinking, him quickly shaking the thoughts away as he could feel the heat on his cheeks rising, forcing his eyes away from the other man’s face.

“Yeah?” Kip pouted at him, still not daring to look back at Cassidy. He could feel the grip on his wrists tighten a little, as if Cassidy wanted to intimidate him but was afraid of going overboard with it. Or maybe Kip was just imagining it. “You have to try a little harder than that, then.”

For a moment the air stood still, before Cassidy slowly let go of his wrists. Kip hesitated a bit to let his guard down, but as Cassidy leaned back away from him a little, Kip let his hands fall onto the couch, relaxing a little bit on his spot. Not that it was comfortable, with Cassidy still sitting on top of him, but it was better than before, at least.

…Maybe. Something in him kind of missed the touch of the other man on his bare skin already, if he was being honest with himself.

Kip didn’t have more time for that thought though, as almost as fast as Cassidy’s hands had disappeared off of him, they were back, grabbing a hold of the front of his shirt again, suddenly pulling him closer. Kip didn’t have time to resist or react as Cassidy closed the gap between the two of them, locking him into a sudden kiss.

For a moment Kip froze against his lips, but as Cassidy’s hands found their way from the front of his shirt to the back of his head and into his hair, Kip let out an unintentional moan at the sudden touch, Cassidy using it to his advantage to deepen the kiss. Kip could practically feel himself getting lightheaded at the sudden suffocating show of affection, but at the same time he didn’t mind. There was something about the way Cassidy was handling him right now, at the same time being so demanding, almost hungry, but in a sense also tender and considerate, as he didn’t push away the hands that snaked their way around his waist as Kip unconsciously pulled him closer.

Cassidy suddenly pulled away, breaking apart the kiss, Kip letting out a very whiny groan at the sudden disturbance of the moment he was clearly enjoying. Cassidy still had his hands in his hair, having almost a weird control over Kip, eyes locking onto his as Kip tried to focus himself back to the real world and current time from the moment of bliss he just had.

“Title shot,” Cassidy stated shortly, his fingers curling up in Kip’s hair, making him hum contently against the touch. Cassidy had him in the palm of his hand at that moment, and honestly, Kip didn’t mind it at all for once. “Next week.”

“One condition.” Kip was barely able to keep eye contact with him, he was still trying to catch his breath and he could feel his whole face burning up, both at the sudden intensity of the kiss and the almost euphoric feeling it left him with. “If I win… I get more of this.”

To emphasize his words, Kip pulled him just a little bit closer, arms still wrapped around Cassidy’s waist. A little smirk tugged the corner of the blond’s lips, but he tried to keep a straight face. Kip wasn’t sure if it was because he was absolutely certain that he was going to win, or because he didn’t mind the stipulation.

“You’re on.” His voice was barely a whisper as Cassidy leaned closer again, stealing one more quick peck from Kip’s lips, clearly now teasing him. “Champ.”

Almost as suddenly as Cassidy had arrived into the locker room and made a scene with him, Kip could feel his body heat suddenly disappearing from his immediate vicinity, hands gone from his hair, soon being followed by the opening and closing of the locker room door. Kip was left sitting there alone in the silence, trying to catch his breath, one hand lazily fanning his face hoping to make the obvious redness go away.

No matter what happened next week, at the end of the night he would still be the real winner.

[ishifted-jdayz]

um. okay. hi. uh. i just shifted. just came back really. fuck dude. jesus christ.

okay um. so i shifted to my "wr" which is basically a ranch and i can do magic real easily and stuff and. it was so interesting coming to there. i was like. sitting up and everything was hazy at first and then i blinked the like. sleep out of my eyes and it was all so real.

there was sun coming through the curtains just how i imagined and the carpet felt right beneath my feet and it smelled like such fresh air, nice and cool. i ran my hands along the wall to really like. ensure i was there and i like. laughed incredulously and was like holy shit. bc i made it. oh my god dude i made it.

i ran outside to see if i was where i was fr and i was. i could see the ocean and the forest and the line of trees that blocks the train tracks. i could hear bugs and birds chirping and i was so. the warmth of the sun on my skin was crazy. i stayed out there for a while. i was in a white like. dress thing? like an undergarment from the 1800s. i was breathing easier i didnt have any allergies. i ran all the way to the beach to dip my toes in the water and fill my hands with sand.

when i got back i was like. so excited. i wasnt even hungry but i made myself be in order to eat in the kitchen. i made my favorite dish (im autism and have it all the time) and was just. beside myself as i watched it rotate in the microwave. i looked at all the cds i have and i turned on the tv. ive been watching criminal minds in old reality lately so i pulled up season 3 bc i hate that gideon left and i pulled up s3 in the one where gideon Didnt leave. and started watching that while i ate and looked around.

ive got a ton of plants next to my couch and i touched them all. the piano plays just like the one in my old reality, and i finally fucking found the sheet music i had forever ago and could never find. and i played it pretty easily and god man. it felt so fucking surreal. all my favorite books were on the shelves and i knew if i took one and pressed my hand against it and said "know" id know it all as if i just read it but i didnt really want to.

i looked in the bathroom and that was fucking cool as shit. the bathtub was so big and the windows were huge (no one comes here unless i want them to so its fine). i found a box of my jewelry including a ring i had to get resized in my old dr but it fit perfectly. the water was perfect and cool under my hands GUYS it was literally so cool.

and my cas room. its just how i imagined. so its like a old ass room from like the 1700s wood floor seems kinda dusty. but theres a mirror and i can enter sort of create a sim mode and change everything abt my self. first thing i did was get rid of my chest and MAN. FUCK. THE EUPHORIA. i started crying. had to take a whole couple minutes to come down from that. and then i started messing with my hair length and type and color and freckles and eye color and height and all this stuff and it was really cool. my ass is so fat now btw SLAY. and i just. looked at myself. and felt truly at home. like even though i look different now i feel more Me bc i Chose it. and anyway.

walked outside again bc i put on diff clothes in the CAS room and wanted to see my horse. its in a little pocket dimension sort of bc i dont want to constantly need to take care of them or have them around but when i want them around they are and i got to see herrrrrrr. shes also a beauty and i love her so much. and my cat pib was there and its just. guys its so fucking freeing. to know that everything i want is there.

went back inside and upstairs to the bedroom and man. i havent done much irt redecorating yet bc i wanted to do that myself but. i have a desk and a computer up there and immediately started up the sims 3 (my favorite game) and started playing and NO LAG. IS SO FUCKING EPIC GUYS. IM SO STOKED. and i played for a while and kept criminal minds on in the background until i got bored and then i went downstairs and ate and started watching. the secret season of black sails (my favorite show) and dudeeeeee that was crazy oh my god. ik why i cant see it in the my cr for meta reasons but now i SEEEEE now i understand........

and then i remembered my library and i ran over to that and dude it was so PRETTY. and i grabbed some music theory books and some language (letters and grammar) books and did the "know" thing and lets just say i know mandarin and japanese and french and gaelige and hebrew now. and im gonna do more when i get back but BRO its just so cool.

and i got a glass of fresh iced tea and went outside and watched the sun set on my porch and pib came up and my old dog bella (whos both old and not old now) and i started crying a little bit and then i went to sleep. and decided to come back here to update yall bc ik i can go back easy af now (bc i came back to a reality where i Can) so. anyway very fucking excited. so fucking happy. one billion out of ten.

[terraliensvent]

Things Tycho needs to implement for the mod apps:

Please hire fucking adults. Not 19 year olds, please hire some people that are over 21 and have more developed brains. Preferably 25 and up.

Heavily restrict the ability to make mod customs. I know that a LOT of people only want to be staff to be able to make customs, and this isn't a good thing to be able to do right off the bat since Tycho needs mods who want to work, not make money making designs. I think mod customs should not be allowed for at least 6 months AFTER mod trial is over. Work on the species, that's what you were hired to do, not make customs. If you want to make and sell designs, apply to be a GA, not staff.

Mod myos. There's too many mod lim myos floating around and these should not be tradeable. If mods get myos as payment every month, they should get two options. Lim myo, not tradeable. Modified myo, tradeable. They get to choose just one.

Also I think Tycho needs to go through the shambling remains of the staff and get rid of loose ends, like Kea. Kea does absolutely fucking nothing for the species except occasionally vote on staff matters and do transfers, which literally any other staff member can do. All she does is ignore trade offers for her obvious trades that totally aren't entertaining offers, which aren't even allowed btw, and she'll talk about opening up customs to get people to throw themselves at her for her art. She needs to be removed as a staff member and made a GA, since that's what she's best at. Plus she's just conveniently taking a break and ignoring all the work that needs to be done and making Tycho and the other few mods do everything themselves. If Kea can't be a functioning staff member in this moment when we really need them, why do we need her at all? Karma, too. Why are you guys taking a break and making everyone else do all the hard work so you can just come back when it's all over and reap the benefits? You guys suck. Either step up and do your job or quit.

i agree with everything you said here anon

on your first point, it def goes back to the maturity thing for me because, while previous mods and the owners are “adults,” 18 and 19 is still pretty immature (and you can really tell based off of the controversies that have happened just within a year)

on the second, i really think terras should make more use of the “official artist” role. i agree that a lot of mods seem to just sit on their ass and make customs/adopts, which, if you want to just do art then say that!! dont present it like youre gonna actually moderate if ur just pumping out adopts, thats why theres the official artist role

for the third point, i actually think tycho does have plans to mitigate the myo situation (you can see that in the conversation i had with him here), so i think theres gonna be some progress there

on your last point, i agree as well; i think kea especially is one of the people who would benefit from being an official artist instead. she has the admin role but ive literally never seen her be an administrator of anything. doing approvals is something that really anyone can do, and the main thing ive ever seen from kea is customs and adopts. i dont think ive really ever seen her answer questions or design help, and as far as events go the only one shes been visibly a part of is the birthday one that just happened (and honestly if i didnt just go and check right now i would have totally forgotten shes an ADMIN, not just a regular mod)

i think delegation of staff and staff responsibilities is a big thing that needs fixing, since its been an issue basically forever in this species. design and prompts take forever to approve, but when its ever suggested to get more mods it was always “we have enough!” yeah, you have an overabundance of mods that just wanna make fucking adopts and nothing else. just make them official artists and have the mod role for people that can actually work.

[gramarye]

answering asks because i forgot to and felt too awkward to do so you know how it is.

honestly its the other way around... she loves sitting in them but also chewing them up (shes allowed lol she spits the pieces out, its fine by me bc i can just vacuum it up and she can get her Beast Tearing Maiming Killing Instincts taken out on something that i was gonna throw out anyway) so like. at some point i just give up and throw away a box that she has done too much damage on even though she would love to keep it forever. but i always have new packages coming every few months if only for koshka's food and litter orders so there is always a supply.. she is never boxless

i wanted a koshka box pic to attach here, like a new one but she hasnt sat in one while ive had a camera out in a while. heres other recent koshkys though. so tired.

omg idk if theres any that make me cringe.. most of them are funny. even the more derogatory ones that are sex allegories are like.... i wouldn't want someone to call me them but removed from context they are kinda funny. that said finnish lepakko (bat) is still the best lesbian synonym

i dont think any make me cringe tho it does annoy me when someone is a lesbian and ppl go out of their way to refer to them as sapphic. but its not an issue w the word sapphic itself its more like how some people just refuse to use lesbian for some reason when someone is explicitly using it. idk

idk if these are by the same person but they are abt the same author (I THINK? ARE THERE MORE YURI MANGA THAT FIT THE FIRST DESCRIPTION?) but omg thanks for the recommendations!! i read the one-shot it was soooo cute... i love how different it is from the other manga LOLLL the range of lesbians.. ur so right btw both of these are absolutely my thing in different ways. u rock. thank u

i think i might have even started the OL one before but just never kept up with it (or perhaps when it was releasing) its kinda been a while since i read yuri manga other than how do we relationship so thank you!!!

ive been reading a lot of books for my advanced literature class which is like.. fun but very little time to read for myself...

that said i re-read dungeon meshi LOL, i like kept up with it as it released casually but i wanted to do it from the start to the end now that its been done for a bit. and i've been going through the almost 400 page Essential Dykes To Watch Out For i got from the library, im like 3/4 thru!! oh and i've been reading getter robo for my friend and uh. wuthering heights as a classic on the side

[dnangelic]

TSUN! I HAVE SOME CHOICE WORDS TO SAY TO YOU!!!!

you are such an absolute delight to see on the dash and interact with, and that is no exaggeration! I adore all of your muses and even if i don’t know any of their respective medias, i learn about them through your writing and your metas and you talking about them and thats so fun to do!!! ITS ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE THING EVER! I appreciate you giving my dazai a chance despite not knowing bsd aswell as p much any of my other muses sknsksns you’ve been so sweet to me since we first became mutuals and i genuinely love seeing you around so much 😭 i see you on the dash and my day gets atleast 10% better without fail every single time. i hope u talk about your boys forever and ever . ITS SO FUN TO BUILD DYNAMICS WITH YOU!!! anyone is lucky to write with / plot with / interact with you i wont even lie and i genuinely believe that nsjsksnsjssn i appreciate that you show interest in so many of my muses it makes my heart so so so warm . I HOPE WE CAN CONTINUE WRITING NOVELS TOGETHER FOREVERRRRR even though i know im the one who owes you like 2829922 things ksnsksns DW AB THAT . I ALSO WANNA SAY about you writing dark and daisuke specifically i think its so good how much care you put into a series thats really old and like Ive genuinely put the manga on my reading list BECAUSE of the interest garnered from your writing !! SOLELY BECAUSE OF YOU ! u are an absolute angel ( … hehehehensnensn … bejbwnw … get it bc … bc …!2&2!/@/!/82 s hehehehe ) AND YOU ARE ALWAYS SO KIND TO ME and always so interactive and i can’t even beginnnnnnnnnnnnnn to properly articulate how much of a joy you are 2 interact with !!! wishing you and daisuke and dark and yan qing and all ur muses the best day ever . 🙌

OH MY GOOOOOOSH and to think i was sitting here at ur post like 'should i ask permission for nine asking for permission. what if nine doesn't wanna say anything. i hate feeling like im ever panhandling for a compliment. nine should be pouring soup into my lap and slapping dark + calling him a bitch so i can finally apologize but youuuuUUU YOUUUUU ALL THESE FEELINGS R SO MUTUAL!!! I LOVE SEEING U TALK!!! IT BRINGS ME SM JOY TO SEE U POST!!! even the most random stuff. doesn't matter if its long or short. literally dont even worry abt owing me stuff ur presence alone is also a DELIGHT ur fr like such a funny mut and person BUT UR ALSO SO GOOD AT UR MUSES TOO??? LIKE i could go on forever abt how much i respect ur dazai alone and how even if i don't know bsd canon that's probably for the best, bc ur now ur dazai is The canon dazai to me, but u also have like nine... billion... (hehehesbhgbssnsjkdj x2) MUSES ON UR MULTI THAT U ALSO FLAWLESSLY INVEST URSELF IN AND!! WOWWWW WHAT A MUN!!! genuinely im so glad i found u even in this hellsite and that i can just toddle around following u like this everywhere 🐥 every like i leave on ur post is me picking at it for crumbs like a pigeon in a city being tossed bread. keep tossing that bread for me please please. IM CRYING. IM WAILING!!!! BUT SINCE U BROUGHT UP READING DNANGEL LET ME ACTUALLY HELP U OUT TOO??

scans are like absolutely everywhere and most places have the godawful quality fan translations. u can and frankly probably should read the official eng which is available here. dnangel had a weird run where the eng was only licensed and translated up to book 13. 14 and 15 (and beyond) are fan translations, but there's exactly one chapter that's ALWAYS broken on any website you go to except this one. this site doesn't complete the series though so the last link you'd have to hop to is this one. but the entire series is only 20 volumes in total. you could speedread through it in like a day. it's short and sweet and i love it even with its flaws. why else would i b here writing dark n dai. anyways. point is. tysm. im holding u and all ur muses tight. i wont leave u!!!! im so glad i met u!!! uve done sm for me already and i wont forget it!!! MY SO TALENTED FRIEND!!!

[summershouto]

vivi (op) and/or maki (jjk)?

hi! I’m sorry I took forever to answer this - it’s been sitting in my drafts half finished for days - but I am here now

First up: Maki!

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian

Gender Headcanon: I feel like Maki would go by she/they

A ship I have with said character: nobamaki <33 I miss them

A BROTP I have with said character: maki & yuuta- theyre so sweet and supportive of each other. also her and toge bc she can affectionally bully him :)

A NOTP I have with said character: maki/yuta .. I understand why people ship it but I prefer them as strictly platonic

A random headcanon: Maki is one of those people who never drinks coffee. she drinks green tea or something .. she's just superior enough to not really need caffeine

Also this is yuuta related but I think he has a crush on her and gets all flustered sometimes which she finds endearing even if she doesn’t feel the same

General Opinion over said character: she's one of my favorite jjk characters! she is definitely the best written female character in jjk, which sadly we are lacking in. Her whole scene with Mai broke my heart and everything that came after .. I’m obsessed with her

and Vivi!

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian (literally all of these asks ive done so far are lesbians sorry not sorry)

Gender Headcanon: cis but im open to other hc too

A ship I have with said character: NAMIVIVI!!! I miss them. I want vivi back with them so bad. Nami cared for her so much and Vivi was so worried about Nami when she was sick... I see them as "the one that got away" kind of relationship - if Vivi had stayed w/ the straw hats she and nami would've been together :(

A BROTP I have with said character: I like her dynamic with Sanji a lot! Especially chill moments where Sanji is hanging with her and Nami having snacks. Also her and zoro especially during little garden where she respects him but also realizes he’s a massive idiot

A NOTP I have with said character: Vivi x koza (her childhood friend). I just don’t see any romance there. Obviously I love her and nami together but I also adore the scene where she has a list of suitors and just tells her dad to throw them all away. She’s too busy for that!!!

A random headcanon:

Vivi didn’t fully realize her feelings for nami until nami told her they were going to leave

General Opinion over said character: I want her to join up with the straw hats again so bad. I’ve read sm theories about how it could happen and I need it desperately. I genuinely think it would make sense for her story and I’d love to see how she fits in with the newer crew members. Vivi holds a special place in my heart just like she does for the straw hats :’)