#also its 4am by now maybe ill try to sleep again

[denjilvrr]

[4:15 AM] AKI HAYAKAWA

“im going to be so tired for work tomorrow.” you thought as you walked into the local corner store. it was 4:15 am and you had work tomorrow morning at 6 but these past few nights have been sleepless.

you walked through the isles searching for your go-to “midnight” snack. grabbing cup ramen, a few candy bars, and a slurpee. not the best mix but it sure put you to sleep with a stomach ache waiting in the morning.

you go up to the counter and patiently wait as the cashier rings up youre items. “8 dollars and 56 cents.” he says. you pull out your wallet and hand him 6 dollars in cash, maybe he’ll let it slide because you come here all the time.

he looks at you kind of funny, “um.. youre 2 dollars and 56 cents short.” you smiled, “can you let it slide this once, please. i dont have cash on me and my card is at home. i come here all the time, me and you are practically friends! so please, just let it slide..?”

“nope! sorry i cant do that,” he laughed, “also we’re not friends.” “oh please just this once ill pay you back tomorrow!” he just shook his head no as you sighed in defeat, grabbing the stuff to put it back, when suddenly you ran into someone who was standing a little to close.

“oh sorry about that, excuse me.” you said as you picked up the candy that had fallen out your hands. “no, my fault, i was standing too close.” the guy said, “by the way if you dont have the money i can pay for it.”

was he listening to the conversation? “oh i couldn’t do that, no thank you!” you said already feeling embarrassed because you didnt have enough cash to pay, but now you couldnt have a stranger pay for it!

“no its alright, theres a deal with the ramen anyways, so just put it with my stuff and give me the cash you have.” you obliged and set your stuff back onto the counter. “thank you..”

“of course, i couldnt have a person go hungry.” he said so casually. you didnt know what it was but something about his attitude made you feel happy.

he paid for his and your stuff and you thanked him again before walking out and sitting at the near by table to eat your ramen, when suddenly the chair infront of you was pulled out.

it was the guy who paid for your stuff. he didnt say anything but ate his ramen comfortably as you kind of just stared at him. “umm thank you again, i really appreciate it.” you said trying to break the silence.

“oh no problem, but whats someone like you are you doing up at this hour? its late you know.” he questioned. “oh! i just couldnt sleep for some reason and this usually helps me, because i get full.” you answered, “also whats youre name?”

“my name is aki, ive seen you around these last couple nights, are you new to the area?” he asked. “oh no, im not,” you laughed, “i lived here for quite a while now but just been coming here these last couple of nights because my sleeplessness.”

aki nodded and took another bite of his ramen, before you spoke up. “i could give you what i owe you another day, just give me contact information.” you said pushing youre phone towards him.

“is this your way of asking for my number?” he chuckled, “but you dont have to repay me in cash, just keep coming here and having some ramen with me, it gets a little lonely eating here by myself at 4am.

you agreed and aki put his information on your phone. the rest of the time you 2 just talked about nonsense until it was 4:45 and you had to leave.

hi guys im back ! (kind of) this has been in my head the last couple of days and decided to write it really quickly since i have nothing better to do lol. might start writing again, who knows ⇨ REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED <3

[krotosis]

alice, ever since i’ve held witness to nothingness, i can’t see life the same way anymore.

thinking seems to have split from it’s roots and now only revolves around pattern-seeking and contrast theories. resilience is honestly my only redeemable trait, but that can easily convert to stubbornness, so whos to say? sin tends to line every choice of mine, its fucking disgusting. you’d think i would’ve learnt my lesson by now. gross sickly slimy incapable child

when i was little, my step-dad would often shoot birds. he’d aim for families, try to take them out in one shot. i’d cry but it didn’t deter him. another dwindling bit of irony, i managed to cry for birds but not for his victims. i was a child, its fine, whatever. it’s honestly stupefying the fact he bought an illegally imported weapon just to fucking kill birds, what a cunt

but it’s fine, it’s all fine.

because nothingness is bliss.

in the mildest way my mind could process the ‘experience’, it was the kindest thing to ever happen and simultaneously not happen to me. it was beautiful, the way my mind remembers something that never occurred is so beautiful. it’s calming, it’s grounding, because it’s true, it’s real. i’d be blessed to stay that way, even if my sore rotting mind becomes incapable of remembering.

i can only wish for similar fates for everyone i care about. Alice, you don’t UNDERSTAND how fucking amazing it is. It’s so fucking beautiful I cant put it into words, and I never tried to, not in-person anyway.

people like my step-father are exactly reasons why nothingness is gorgeous. his actions exist as one, the man who happily made us breakfast in the morning, the first man child me dared to trust after EVERYTHING that happened and then simultaneously being a creepy stalker, abusive murderer if not months later. I knew he was bad, but not that bad, violence is just a part of life, can i really ..?????????? i dont know. i will never justify him. i didn’t care when it was just violence because it bred money and money was what we needed the most

my cat came back today! i wasn’t sure if he was hurt after the recent snow. i was going to go out looking for him, i dont even know what to comment about that. OBVIOUSLY i was gonna look for him but also,, not so obviously you know? maybe i was just telling myself i would do it and then never do? i waited 2 days with barely an afterthought so? how can i be sure that makes me a redeemable person? maybe i was just lying? how should i know т_т i need something to make me feel feelings that are more exact, precise, maybe then ill feel like i used to again

i replayed the arcana today! i nearly cried at the nostalgia, fictional worlds are so picturesque, why is real life so dull and bitter +_+ but i have to keep going !! its the gift !! some gift !! that i will never fully understand!!!!!!! but im meant to keep going anyway !!

relationships in media are so bitter. perfect friendships, lost and found and family and trust, things irl always work out but they never *work out*. theres never some adventure, just grisly grappling with your circumstances; you come out of it “okay, i guess” and that’s the best story you’ll have for decades. the fact theres no after to an end, just continuous days and days and days with days and days and days worth of issues is paralysing. it just doesn’t stop

i wish i could stop time. the closest thing i’d have to that nothingness. if i could, i’d just sleep, finally sleep GOOD sleep for the first time. i want to wake up feeling refreshed, i want to sleep feeling safe, knowing everything is still around me. time doesn’t pass, im free of its constraints. no what where when, sun rising night falling, next day 3am 4am 7, just me and me. nothing but me and warmth of my bed. my whole family is safe, they are safe because everything is incapable of being otherwise. even if being actively attacked, that victim is left to linger in never-fleeting moments, peace and solidity for once. time is cruel, but i don’t want to bore you with overused metaphors so i’m sure you can interpret it yourself.

so pessimistic today

your regretful childhood friend,

they miss you

[heleizition]

I want to talk more about my dc canon but sisjsks I don't want to bother- (I just want to talk about it bc I have no one around me really into dc so I can't really talk about it to them... So yeah zijzizje sorry for dumping my HC on you, you have really nice reactions though that make me glad that you like it!!!)

please,,, share it with the world op,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[lillian-nator]

Wallflower AU (aka highschool au made w/ @bellfort3)

V i b e s - hanging on the roof; walking across train tracks; skipping school; Lakes, yes, something with lakes; something with different types of sodas. - My angsty teens are gonna have painted nails - Tommy bleaches his hair; Wilbur dyes his hair black - dramatic fuck. - Wilbur in eyeliner plz - Wilbur wears doc martens; black, yellow, maroon, silver shiny - Tommy's worn the same exact jean jacket for the past 5 years; it's 2 sizes bigger than he is; but he wears it every single day; it has fur on the inside; and its light washed with tears; the tears didn’t come like it; he's just ripped it over the years - He doesn't wash it very often, but he's glued patches on it, and Wilbur's drawn on it in sharpie. He just layers hoodies or flannels under it when it’s cold, but still wears it when it's hot - Tommy's also worn the same shoes for YEARS, they’re duct taped together at this point, they're white converse, they're not white anymore, and he's bleach-washed them SO many times that they permanently smell like chemicals. - The laces are frayed, so bad that he doesn’t even wear the laces most days. - Tommy doesn't shy from going in mud or water though, he'll wear the shoes to their fullest and then some. - I think you can tell by now, that Tommy just doesn’t come from a lot of money. - They live in a kind of run down town, very poor, old, smallish. - Wilbur is middle class, which is very well off in the area he lives in. - Wilbur gives off family disappointment vibes. Where he has to sneak out at night, Tommy can leave through his front door. - Wilbur calls Tommy “sunshine”, but very sarcastically since Tommy is a dick :) - Tommy has one of Wilbur's old beanies; it's black and monster branded, the monster logo is green - Wilbur gave it to Tommy 3 years ago, and Tommy never gave it back - btw Tommy's 17 and Wilbur's 19: Tommy's a junior and Wilbur's a senior - Wilbur only drinks Green Apple Monster - Tommy drinks sugar free redbull, but mostly only when Wilbur buys it for him, because Tommy usually doesn't have pocket change - Wilbur and Tommy bring speakers to the train tracks and dance and by that, its them jumping around and occasionally pushing someone over - Tommy uses his allowance to buy cigarettes; Wilbur vapes - both mentally ill - Wilbur is essentially the modern emo. He has this one yellow and black flannel that's oversized, and he wears it multiple times a week - it’s a problem.

- Dream, Wilbur, Karl, Tommy, Big Q, SapNap, Punz, and Tubbo - That’s the group. - I have just been talking about Tommy and Wilbur but they are the main characters so you can suck it. - A scene with Dream, Wilbur, Karl, Tommy, Big Q, SapNap, Punz, and Tubbo, at a lake, throwing each other in, and Tommy gets his shoes soaked, but he saves his jacket from the fall. Water gun fights, and they drink energy drinks and eat chips. they lay in the grass and contemplate life, Talk abt life yes. Abt existence. Abt how shit it is. Half of them have to wake up early and sneak home, the other half get to stay as long as they like. - Tommy tucks his t-shirts into his pants, which are always very baggy black jeans with just gigantic holes. - Tommy and Dream both have ADHD, however, Tommy's meds are purely from welfare, he cannot afford to give any out. Dream however? From an upper-middleclass family. Basically millionaires in this town. He can afford to lose some of his meds. - He yells in the clearing "COME GET YOUR DRUGS CHILDREN" - Besides, I've learned that there are like so many different ADHD meds, and maybe Tommy is just on something a lot stronger than adderall. He can't partake in the pill popping, but he doesn't mind. He does it every morning. - They don't do it often, maybe once a month, depends on how big Dream's prescription is - not that he regularly takes them like a good boy should - And I won't ever write this, but Gogy hangs out with them every so often, in which Gogy and Wilbur have an on and off again hooking up type relationship - whenever they hang out, Gogy like sits and Wilbur's lap and shit - Tommy and Punz GAG - "EW the fuck - get your hands off eachother. ITS GROSS - NO PDA IN MY BACKYARD"

- They hang out in an abandoned Building. But they don't try to fix it up. They're not fucking VSCO girls. They just want somewhere to hang out - If anything they make it worse - they fucking trash the place - It’s not intentional though - It’s like they can have fun without worrying abt the mess - just, sometimes they spill hawiian punch mixed with vodka everywhere - THEY GHOST HUNT AND OUIJA BOARD AND SHIT - They hang out in cemeteries too. they play manhunt in a cemetery, but like the regular version- like just hide and go seek in the dark. - they've done seances even though almost all of them are atheists - anyways the point of the fact is, is that half of them (excluding the minors you know) I'm looking at you Karl and Q - somethings going on between you two have made out with guys, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it, most modern like takes on religion do not take kindly to that

- they go to prom - and Dream somehow ends up with a ton of weed, because he had just turned old enough, and had the money - and they get fucking high OUT of their minds, like they're never doing it again - like, George and Wilbur definitely hooked up at Wilbur's house, which they aren't supposed to do - because Wilbur's parents will fucking flip that Wilbur is sleeping with a random person. No one is quite sure where SapNap ended up, and Tommy lost one of his shoes. In a panic, they spent the next 3 hours looking for it to find it at the lake by the school - Tommy fucking cradles it to his chest. -  (are wilburs parents homophobic?) (yes maybe a little side of homophobia) (Is wilbur bisexual or gay?) (he is ‘whoever the fuck looks bangable’) (fair enough) (he is ‘gogy my king’) (TRUUUE) - the bleachers - they hang out under the bleachers

- Gogy = Stylish stoner - very popular, but never not high - Karl is like the goody two-shoes of the group, doesn't skip class, and is on the principals list, however, he will NEVER back down from space brownies - its his weakness - Tubbo has a subway pass, and they do that thing where Tubbo swipes it and everyone fucking bolts into the subway, and they take all the trains at like 4am and just hang from the bars and shit - Wilbur still dresses relatively like, nicely and scholarly, which puts everyone off. He wears very loose sweaters with button-ups underneath. with khakis or black jeans and his docs - where his best friend, our Tommy, wears borderline yellow converse, and one bleached two-sizes-too-large jean jacket, and some second-hand-store hoodies, that are always a bit too worn in, but so, incredibly Tommy - Tommy who legit hasn't brushed his hair in years, not with a brush anyways - too frantic to brush his teeth most mornings. but always chewing gum; Tommy's always everywhere at once - ADHD meds only half-working on him, they couldn't afford the good shit - He'll never quite understand Dream handing out his adderall for free, Tommy would kill for the hard shit, but hey, he's never gonna stop his friends from having a good time

- Let's talk about Karl Jacobs - good ole' goody two shoes Jacobs - all of his teachers are constantly trying to get him to stop hanging out with Tommy and gang - every parent teacher conference is "we love your boy, but we are concerned about his friends" - Teachers have meetings with him, about how the people you surround yourself with can change your future - Karl's like, from the good side of town, plays first in the drumline, plays violin on the side, straight a's, clean-white-air-force-ones type of guy. Name brand clothes. Combed hair - Packed lunch every day from his mom; gets dropped off by his mom, kisses her goodbye; Mom is like very involved in school too - PTA parent - it's fucking good kid Jacobs - and he's sneaking off with fucking potheads to go to college parties and abandoned buildings - Does he do drugs? Well, he’s a big fan of treats if you know what I mean :wink wink: - ….you ever see Ted's video about a 500mg edible …. yeah. - big fan of gummy bears and brownies - Karl shows up to Parties and there are shouts of "Fuckin' goody-two-shoes Jacobs is HERE" - a lot of people make fun of him and think they can push him around - He seems like a softie; welcome mat type beat - but fucking watch this man chug 5 cups of whatever you give him, and then still win beer pong - Like his best friend is fucking quackity, he can do the hard shit - its very much a his parents have no clue who he actually is type beat - Look, his parents have no clue where he is ever - And if they even know he’s out, they don’t know where or with who - If his mom is at all involved in the school, she'll hear about Quackity, basically a drug dealer with how much hash weed he hands out on a daily basis. - Tommy has to be contained in order for the school to run smoothly, and Wilbur is a dramatic fuck that sleeps through most of his classes - Tommy has to take frequent breaks - They make him spend 3rd period in the principles office - Like he obviously needs help but he can’t afford it at all. Even the school can’t do anything for him bc he can’t get anything official for himself - like he can't even try to concentrate - He gave up so quickly in high school, bc they don’t have enough time or staff to help him - he tried in middle school - but man, did he give up in highschool - Yeah. He knows it is hopeless. Can't even afford college anyway. he'll just do whatever Wilbur does - here's an idea: Fucking Karl Jacobs showing up to school one morning just absolutely hammered out of his mind - Karl just showing up to first period AP Physics, and he's barely awake, honestly smells so much like weed and booze, and if he breathed anywhere near you, you could just feel the alcohol radiating from his breath - He's extra bubbly, laughs at everything - takes out his notebook to take some sort of notes, and just fucking giggles at the shapes and equations. He is very spacy, he clearly stayed up all night doing something very illegal; he gets up and jumps around. 2nd period band? oh boy - He gets sick at lunch bet - Like everyone got Drunk but Karl got FUCKED up - It was his birthday, bet - He took like 17 shots over the course of like 8 - 12ish hours, and I looked it up, despite karl being super scrawny and probably like 140 - 150ish pounds - which isn't a lot for being 5'11 - will not kill him - BECAUSE, you guessed it, he turned 17 - He didn't sleep, he was awake taking shots and just fucking who knows what until 6am when they stumbled to school - at lunch, 11:30 in the morning - he's head down on the table, miserable - he doesn't have a hangover yet, because it's only been a few hours, but man, is he nauseous - just the smell of food makes his stomach churn - and the thing about fucking Jacobs showing up drunk as hell - is that at least one of his teachers has called his mom about it - SHES PRESIDENT OF THE PTA FOR FUCKS SAKE, ONE OF THEM KNOWS HER - And the teachers aren't stupid, Karl is so obviously drunk - generally Karl is pretty quiet in class; but now he has no distinction between hanging with hs friends and being in class - he's shouting and cracking jokes and is very tempted to kick his chair over - Anyways, Karl fucks himself over, end of story  - ONTO PUNZ’S RELGIEOUS TRAUMA WOOOOOOOOOOOO - It's Punz - fuckin' golden boy Punz; he plays football; and goes to church; and calls his mother "momma"; wears a nice church outfit; and is polite to the bible study mothers that come over on tuesday nights and gets them drinks - just a fuckin' golden boy - A religious family. Go to church every Sunday. Sunday school. Holidays. But. The kid just realizes that they don’t believe in god. Them telling the group like they’re high and he’s like “you know? Some of the shit that’s happened to us proves to me that god rlly isn’t real.” - and Punz like prays every day for Tommy's dad to get his job back; or for Gogy to get better parents; or for Karl to live the life he wants; and NOTHING EVER WORKS. THEY'RE ALL STILL FUCKED. - by the way we will get the the Tommy's dad losing his job later - But Punz's life is controlled by something he doesn't even believe in anymore - because he's still going to the like church breakfasts, and christmas service, and every sunday morning, and helping his mom's ladies bible study, and his parents are talking about sending him to a youth bible camp - - and he doesn't even think he believes in god anymore. - Punz kind of took out his own personal, religious, and family struggles out the way most teenage boys do. Drinking, and lots of sex. - SO I just imagined this like, really dramatic moment, where its the morning after Punz had a one night stand at some sort of party down the street, and he's long past saving his virginity for his wife, but he's buying her the morning after pill, which his church is just so against, and he has like the moment of, "if you do this, you're done." and he does it - he's had a couple of those moments, like, when he first had sex, and when he first smoked weed, or popped a pill, or snuck out at night, or skipped church - but that was the moment of "there is no going back" - like any type of drug or procedure that aborts an embryo, or that blocks fertilization thats already in process in like: the biggest no no in his church community - so once he stepped out of that drug store, he kind of took a breath, and just came to terms with it - "I'm an atheist." - Punz is the pastors son. - he's like, pre-commited to a catholic college - he’s in deep. - so when he first announces it to his friends, one really late night, "I think god might not be my thing." - they just start whistling and say "FINALLY, THE PASTORS SON HAS TURNED AROUND." - Dream just like turns over to him "how many chicks did you fuck to make you realize that?" - Tommy just slings his arm over Punz, "I'm glad you've quit the Jesus shit, Punz. Your better than it." - There’s gotta be this girl ok. He rlly rlly wants to have sex with her but he always backs out. The thing that breaks him. Is that he gets drunk and loses his virginity to someone who is not that girl - like, he likes this girl, and has a good connection with her, and she likes him, and he knows that its gonna be comepletly consentual, and she's like fucking beautiful right? - and she's the one he wants to loose it to and he's a stupid fucking idiot and loses it to some fucking random ass chick that doesn't even go to their school - This triggers a spiral. After that? He slowly starts giving less of a fuck abt everything. He fucked up the one thing you can’t do over and god he’s so painfully aware of it and so painfully aware that he didn’t even fuck up right. - You’re supposed to wait till marriage. Nope. You’re supposed to do it with someone you love and trust. Double nope. He. Fucked. Up. - its just like he wanted to do something bad. he wanted to fuck something up. he was questioning his faith, his like, great and sturdy and always-there faith for the first time, and what better way to test faith than to do something shitty and see what comes of it. and so he was planning and planning and planning how he was gonna do this terrible thing - which is such a good kid thing to do, to put so much thought into your own rebellion - but he wanted this to go perfectly. - Little Pastors Son, Punz, wasn't gonna wait till marriage. - He was gonna have sex with the girl of his dreams before they were even dating - but man did he like her. Did he want her. - And then he fucked some random girl when he was black out drunk. He's fucked everything up - he can't wash this away with confession - he's tainted. He's dirty. - He looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize the heathen staring back. - He hates who he's become. - But he never goes back - he can't. He's dirty. He's wrong. - but the more he goes down the spiral - the more he realizes that one mistake shouldn't have made him feel like that - that if god was real, which he honestly wasn't sure in that department, he wouldn't want Punz to feel like the scum of the earth for doing something wrong. especially when he felt so bad after he did it. This system was fucked. He didn't want to be apart of another cycle - and he's just lying to himself every time he goes to church, and reads a cerse for his mom, and meets with younger kids at the church, and plays flag football with fucking church virgins who are good catholics and follow all their mommas orders - And every night when he says grace he means it less and less. he always does it when his momma asks, but boy does the lords word mean shit to him anymore From Ethan: - A turning point to the others in Punz's breakaway from Catholicism is like - He prays before he eats, usually. Sometimes they wait for him to finish his prayer before eating themselves, just out of politeness. He's a friend, he gets that shred of etiquette - And then one day he just doesn't. They got some fast food for a whole group dinner out at their hangout spot (a warehouse, did you say??) Tommy is staring at it intently but he waits for Punz to pray. Tubbo's already started eating but the rest wait - And Punz just starts eating - Dream nudges him, "No prayer, Pastor's boy?" - "No prayer," Punz mumbles into his food. "I'm trying something new." SO, TOMMYS DAD LOSING HIS JOB ARC W000000000 - it starts with Tommy showing up in a different jacket one day - like you have to understand, he's worn this jean jacket every single day for as long as WIlbur has known him, which is like 6 years - Like Tommy shows up in this giant, khaki work-jacket and it's his dads... - HIS DAD DIDNT DIE - his dad lost his job, which is essentially death to a family who already couldn't sustain themselves - and Tommy shows up to school, face pale and cheeks sunk in and there are visible bags under his eyes - and Wilbur just rushes over immediately and hugs him so tight to his chest - and Tommy just sobs, "pops lost his job -" gasp "I can't - we can't pay the bills this month. everything - its all falling apart Will." - "Hey - hey. Stop. It's gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You always are dude." - Tommy does have to get a job - and he probably does drop out of school unofficially, like he just stops going. - he sleeps during the morning classes, and heads into work at 10am - he's a carpenters assistant. it pays well as they need young, able men. but most of the younger citizens in the town go to school - he has to take the day shift because the day shift pays better - he doesn't mind it, he doesn't - it gives him the opportunity to get all of his energy out; but he misses going to school. as much as he hated it, he misses his friends. - and lets be honest, its hard as fuck for his dad to find a new job, he doesn't have a great resume - he didn't graduate from highschool. and he isn;t in top health condition, he definitely doesn't have health insurance - so Tommys stuck with this job for a long time - his dad uses his last paycheck to buy Tommy workboots so tommy feels in debt to him - He’ll get his GED eventually. - I think - The like religious status of the rest of the group brought to you by me - Everyone who I don’t mention is just a hard atheist - Karl and Wilbur are catholic, but to a lesser extent, Wilbur doesn't really go through with lent, and Karl only sometimes does. They go to a different church and go pretty much on holidays only, a sunday a month maybe. - SapNap goes to Punz's church, they've been friends for years. - He goes to sunday school but misses a lot of sermons because of his siblings sports games. - He is involved, but not to the way Punz is - SapNap's mother is in fact in Punz's moms bible group - Punz sometimes doesnt attend the bible group and Sap's mother is all "now you tell that pastor's boy to actually attend next time, got it?" and Sapnap dies a little on the inside - And George is an orthodox christian, but he's pretty much quit due to the blatant homophobia he's seen at his church. 

AND NOW ON WILBUR SOOT AND KARL JACOBS AND BARKING - Wilbur has siblings, fun fact - that we will never talk about or address - but definitely nothing like Wilbur, more the Karl Jacobs type - Wilbur is the oldest. he's always lectured about being 'a good influence on your brother and sister.' - They’re big sports kids. Softball and Basketball (tall genes). Straight Bs; Bed by 10pm; Have never missed school - Parents pride and joy :) - Just good suburban kids, Have friends next door, help the neighbors, attend the cul-de-sac barbecues. - Basically who Wilbur used to be up until highschool (until Wilbur met weed and a good group of stoners) - Sure he was a disappointment and he had no clue what to do with his life - But he was happier - Never really liked being the goody- two-shoes boy next door, he doesn't know how karl does it “Playing good boy like a dog” - Also he used dog terms around Karl - Because he’s “Playing good boy like a dog” - He’ll throw Karl a beer and smile “go fetch” - He laughs so hard when he sees Karl be good in a class or play it up for his parents; Because Wilbur’s so past trying - Wilbur will walk by and just bark at karl. Bet. Just Growls lowly; Walks in a  circle; Anything to make Karl’s parents (or Wilbur’s own) stare at him and scurry away - Karl’s parents push Karl forward and like hold their younger kids close to their chest, whispering “keep close, don’t look at him” - They tell Karl to stay away from kids like him. - And boy do Wilbur’s pa#rents hate it, They push him along and whisper yell at him As he throws his head back and cackles - I mean imagine, like a stereotypical middle class suburban family: House wife, blue collared father, Two kids; in sports jerseys, Girl in braids, boy in khakis - And then there’s Wilbur: Doc Martins, black jeans, collar and sweater, beanie. Definitely high on something - Chains LOTS OF CHAINS - And he's Barking. Fucking Barking At the nice family down the street - And then he takes out his vape right in front of his parents and silently offers Karl a hit with a smirk - Cause Karl’s too busy playing good boy - And as Karl’s family looks back, as Wilbur is corralled by his mom - He flips them off with the biggest smirk uou will ever see - Wilbur's kind of an ass - And Karl really wants a hit of that vape.

[straykats]

this is the same anon again and sjkskdj i loved reading your responses!! im trying to respond to a bunch of different things so sorry if this is a mess but as far as the ‘babes’ thing goes youre absolutely fine!! i lowkey have an obsession with calling people and even tHings??? that, its just feels so right 😌 sometimes i go overboard tho like babes,,, 👁👄👁 chill skkdjwkzj

i literally thought the same thing about forensic anthro cause i took forensic science in hs so i was like “oh, okay cool” when signing up for this class and i still dont know what it specifically means but it was pretty much a whole class on murderers/serial killers and the dead. it was really sad sometimes but we read a lot of interesting books on different things people do to dead bodies/cadavers/things you can donate your body for as well as the stories of people who do autopsies for a living!

ive never really heard about that “have you seen this man” thing and now i really want to look it up!! however, it is 3:40am so ill save myself the potential nightmares and do it in the morning if i remember lol i lowkey love reading about those type of things cause i think its so cool thinking about all the different things that connect us but we just dont realize it (even tho that one in particular is a hoax, its still cool stuff 👀)

my dumb brain is slowly forgetting the stuff i mentally took note of to respond too so oOpsie if i missed some 😔😔 but i agree with you on the aot vs. tmr thing cause i think id definitely have a much harder time surviving if i knew the only thing id be greeted with is titans🧍🏻‍♀️like no maam, not for me ill pass ✋🏻 on a separate note,,,,, who is your fave character from tmr??? i was OBSESSED with it a couple years ago but now im back on my bullshit 🤪🤪🤪 newt really makes me so 🥺🥺🥺💜💜

alright,,,,, ill come clean,,,, the dirt vs. sand thing was cause all of a sudden i was thinking about minecraft and i really wanted to play but once again,,,, its like 4am now 👁👄👁 but so that made me so inclined to ask that question lol thank you for humoring me 🥰

i feel you on the cats and dogs thing!!!! i do have a cat but i always felt like the odd one out when i was little cause everyone loved dogs so much more but cats are just so 🥺🥺🥺🥺 funny story tho: my friend just go a kitten and my other friend was holding her and hes a pretty big and buff dude so he was holding her in one hand and just looked at me like: 👁👄👁 “dude... i could just squeeze once and shes done for” likE BRUH— he aint wrong tho anjdjws my cat on the other hand is LITERALLY the size of a WATERMELON but shes a bad bitch regardless 😩💅🏻🤪😪 (shes an all black cat named luna too :))

alright, i think there was more i wanted to say but now its like 4am officially so im sorry but i shall be surrendering to sleep now but this was really fun! it was cool hearing your view on all my weird questions lol i hope your cramps feel better btw ;-; sometimes mine feel like world war 3 and wow its somethin else so im sending you my love and good vibes 💜😩❤️💕💜💖💞❣️

goodnight! 💜

nonnnie as far as i know this is the first time we've spoken but i love you also i hope you're asleep please be asleep

again, answering under the cut bc dont wanna make people scrool too much AHAHAH

forensic anthro sounds so intersting now?? i really enjoy watching crime shows (or maybe it's just cirminal minds, i'm not sure) and learning about that type of stuff so i feel like i'd enjoy the class! i wanted to do study criminal law or smth similar but my parents were so against it AHAHHA so nvm

i used to love tmrw so much !! i admit i never finished watching the scorch trials or the death cure (ngl idek if theres a death cure movie) but i read the books when i was in highschool and ahhh!!! i really liked minho and newt!! tbh i dont remember why but yes !

if we're tlaking dirt vs sand in minecraft i will say dirt bc i like how grass just pops up after a while AHAHAH

NOOOO HAHAHA ur friend w the kittennnnn CDKJSVJDKVNS what a sigh that would have been though. (... the "big buff dude holding a kitten in one hand" sight, not the "squeeze once and shes done for" sight. just to clarify.) a black cat named luna!!!! i love her already tell her some random viet girl in australia loves her tyvm <3

im watching a crime kdrama and everytime someone gets stabbed i'm like.. bitch,,, same,,, what a mood,,, no but ty for entertaining me despite how late it was for u oh my god i hope you have/had a good sleep (and get/got enough sleep)!!! [insert heart emojis]

[jewpacabruhs]

I was reading your tags and please, for the love of God, write a Mafia AU. I haven't been able to find any good ones.

i wanna so bad! i find organized crime fascinating, & i’m also a big movie nerd, with crime films being my fav genre, so im super into that sorta thing. definitely would love to see it, but o boy, maybe ill jus write it myself?? gotta do everythin myself haha

i’d def go the historical route, so it’d be interesting to try to both apply characters that are firmly rooted in 90s/2000s behaviors & beliefs, and stick them in the 1900s. oh, boy, writing historical stuff is a pain. so much research. worth it tho, if it’s done well. aye, and it’ll be cool to try to keep it as nonfictional as possible. like, attempting to insert the kids (as adults, obvs) into crime history. i wonder if i could do tht? it’d be fun. it’s definitely uncharted waters. there’s a lot of potential there.

but, hmm, i think mafia aus are so rare in fandom (not just the sp fandom, but across the board) bc they contradict everything that’s popular in fanfic. mob aus would feature violence, business, finances, and corruption. whereas fics prefer cuddles, leisure time, a world where money aint an issue, and wholesomeness. and considering the majority of fic is written by horny and/or love-starved teenage girls who dont know or care about the aforementioned subjects, it makes sense. kinda a bummer, but understandable. in the defense of like everyone, lmao, those sorta fics take a lot of planning, & aint nobody got time. so i get it.

oof i think a major thing too is how gay-centric fic/fandom is, when the mobster world is undeniably a heterosexual one. thats an issue. shit, i wonder how many gay characters i could get away with while keeping it realistic. i mean, im sure there were gay mobsters, in fact i’ve read about a couple, but the lifestyles did not go hand in hand, lol.

IM STUPID NO ONE CARES ABT THIS DUMB SHIT HERES IDEAS

i’m thinking 1940s new york. im inclined towards kyman, as u probs kno, but again, the gay thing. huh. maybe i can figure it out. maybe theyre young bachelors, and theyre business partners & fuck around sometimes. we’ll see. anyway. if we’re gonna include all characters….

cartman would pull a goodfellas - he’s of, what, german descent? hell, considering his parents, he probably wouldn’t even exist in this universe. eh. well. he’d def be from yorkville, manhattan, cuz tht was a german neighbourhood. anyway he’d weasel into the italian mob, bc he’d be into the idea of 1) exorbitant amounts of money, and 2) being feared/respected. his authoritah! psh. and someone would notice how smart he is & mentor him, regardless of nationality. he’d quickly make enemies, though, because he’s rude & brash. he’d also quickly become one of the most respected young dons (would he reach that level, without a family? doubt it. he’d have to become a made man, which i believe is reserved exclusively for italians ….. ehhhh ill figure it out. maybe he’d branch out, start his own crime family. that’d be interesting. ooo.) damn, ukno, i think the 40s would make a real interesting character out of cartman. huh. yah, that’d be cool to explore, how that time period would shape him. like i said, he likely wouldt even exist. did the denver broncos exist back then? doubt it

kyle would get wrapped up in the jewish mob (which existed, and which i’d personally l o v e to be a part of lol - if i was born 100 years ago), maybe while trying to protect ike from getting involved? that’d be cool. maybe he’d demonstrate his brains & be offered a job as an accountant or an attorney, and he’d be forced to comply, either bc 1) his fam was threatened if he declined, or 2) his fam was doing bad financially & needed it. maybe both. hell, maybe he avoids the jewish mob & gets involved with the others. MAYBE IKE IS THE ONE IN THE JEWISH MOB & WANTS HIS BROTHER BACK FROM THE ITALIANS. OOOOOOOOO also they’d be from brooklyn, likely, bc that’s where jews were primarily located back then. u kno there was 400k jews in new york in 1899?? including my great great great grandparents. that’s a shit ton of jews lol. lil fun fact for ya. 

wait ok so oof this is hard now, bc the mob was primarily divided into three chunks - the italians, the jews, & the irishmen. there was also the puerto ricans, but that was, like, a different division. i’m mentioning this because nationality was important to mobsters, to all organized crimes groups actually, but south park doesn’t make a habit of mentioning what countries each character’s ancestors came from, lol. so it’d be a lot of writer interpretation. and that’s cool and all, but doesn’t give me much to work with, considering most of the kids are white and likely german/england-descended. 

i could make kenny & butters irish. that’d work. i think kenny’s last names irish, actually. they could be from hell’s kitchen, which had a p hefty irish-american population. maybe i could make stan irish, too. wendy might be able to pass for italian (little italy manhattan??? maybe the bronx??? im tryna think geography lol. for scale.). that’d work, if i wanted to put some stendy in there, bc i love making stan the token het guy, haha. maybe wendys dad marries her off to stan to form an alliance between the italians & irish. that’d be interesting. maybe cartman was rallying to get wendy to marry him, bc he needed to marry someone bc of, like, societal expectations, & she was the only girl who caught his interest. maybe he declares war on stan, to win back the bride he wants. maybe kyles best friends w stan, tht happened somehow, & interjects. goes to meet cartman to discuss a way out - ohhhhh theres my kyman babay!!! oooooo!!!

omg. plot forming. this is def an interesting concept. maybe i can use it as a chance to write a plot-oriented fic that doesn’t rely heavily on ships. that’d be awesome. i’ve wanted to do that for ages.

maybe we can squeeze christophe in as a french immigrant, maybe an associate of someone. same with gregory, but, like, british. that’d be fun. craig & tweek can be somewhere in there, too. associates of cartman or something. maybe they own a brothel. oooh. who else. bebe! maybe she can be a cabaret dancer who someone falls for. nothin wrong w hetero nonsense if it’s done right & if it aint nonsense. yah? maybe she can be ken’s love interest. also maybe token & nichole can be in there somewhere, from harlem?

this sounds fun as fuck, though, def. im really obsessed with new york right now, so maybe writing this could be a love letter to its history. that’d be dope. ooh, and im from las vegas actually, born & raised, so maybe i could do a chapter set there, considering the mob was very influential in the strip’s development. that’d be rad. holy heck. im excited abt this now. gotta finish oboitd asap & get into this, haha.

o shit. i jus realized, like, just how much research i’d have to do. like, not only about organized crime, abt 40s slang & dress, abt new york, abt everything. oooh boy this is a Project

ill get on that eventually haha, im into it now. it’s 4am rn tho so ima sleep, gnite anon

[totsukanotsurugi]

Levi x M.reader

I knew it was coming as soon as I sat next to that guy on the train. I hadn’t thought why there were seats left around him when the carriage was so full. It didn’t look like he was a serial killer or a drunk. He was dressed in a sharp business suit and had a brown briefcase down by his feet; all I could think about was getting to rest my feet.

I had been out all day in london visiting a friend, walking to so many different places that I lost count of them all and in that moment the only thing I could think about was how I didn’t want to have to spend the long train journey home standing up.

I had only been sitting next to him for a few seconds when he pulled a hanky out of his pocket and brought it up to his face. His sneeze was loud, so loud that even in the bustling train carriage everyone heard.

There were a few muttered ‘bless you’s and the man thanked them before he turned his hanky over and blew into it to clear his nose. The sound was close to that of an elephant and I found myself wanting to get up and go back to standing, but I knew that I couldn’t be that rude to the man.

So, for the rest of the journey, I was stuck sitting next to a man with a terrible cold. I could picture the germs floating in the air around him and choosing me as their next target. I silently wished that I had been one of those people who always had hand sanitizer on them, but it seemed that I had not been that conscious about keeping clean when I rammed things into my pocket that morning.

I stood up well before I normally would have done for my stop and shuffled past the people who were tightly packed together to stay away from the man. As soon as I got through them I felt safer, but a part of me already knew that I was too late.

The next day seemed to pass as usual. I told Levi about the man on the tube and he 'jokingly' said that he would have to stay away from me. I let out a laugh and then coughed slightly. To that Levi did actually jump back slightly, but I only rolled my eyes at him.

Then, that night, I woke up at around 4am as I felt a sneeze building up. I sat up quickly and sneezed into my cupped hands. I breathed in deeply, but felt as if there was a slight something blocking up my nose.

I sighed at how stupid I had been to sit next to the man and rolled out of bed to make myself a lemsip. I hated the taste of the warm drink, but I would use almost any excuse to have one.

Not wanting to go back into the living room at such a time, once I had my drink, I sat down on the kitchen tiles with my back against one of the cupboards. As it had been getting colder over the previous weeks, I had worn some pyjama bottoms to bed with one of my old tops.

I was about half way through my cup when I heard Levi get up. I knew that there was no stopping him coming in, so I stayed sat where I was.

He walked in just as I brought the cup up to my mouth. He was wearing similar attire to me, although I always thought he looked better in it that I did.

When I had finished taking a sip, he asked, “You alright brat?” He sat down next to me and leaned into me so that his head was resting on my shoulder. I welcomed his touch.

“I am now, but I think it’s the beginning of the end.”

“Always so melodramatic,” he whispered back. Then he sat up straighter, reached around me and took my cup out of my hands.

“Hey!” I protested, but he had already brought the cup up to his lips and was taking a giant sip from it. He swallowed the drink with a small smile and then handed the, mainly empty, cup back to me. I took it  and put it down on the floor next to my feet. “That’s it,” I said as I stood up. “No more cuddles for you if you do that.”

I started to walk back to our bedroom, but Levi soon caught up to me. He caught my hand and I let him hold it, but didn’t return the gentle squeeze. “Please.” He sounded almost like a whining child, but in a slightly endearing way. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again!”

“You better not,” I told him with a small smile; he always was fun to tease. He let go of my hand as we walked through the door to our bedroom and we both got onto our sides of the bed. I made no move to get closer to him, but when he snuggled up into my side, I couldn’t help putting my arm around him. I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around him.

I woke to a smash. I immediately sat up and looked around me for the source of the noise. I noticed that Levi was gone from next to me and that sunlight was streaming in through the open window, but I couldn’t see anything that would have made that noise.

Firstly, I went to go and close the window as the chill was something that I didn’t want. Just as I left the room to find what had made the crash, I sneezed again, only just bringing my hand up in time so it could cover my nose.

I shook my head a little and continued on. I looked into the kitchen to find Levi on his knees sweeping up the remains of the mug that I had used the night before. He must have forgotten it was there, just as I had.

“Morning,” I said, whilst bringing one hand up to cover my mouth as I yawned.

Levi stood up to put the last pieces of my mug in the bin. “Sorry,” he said. “I was just walking and not thinking.”

“It’s alright,” I told him. “It’s only a mug, we have others.”

He nodded and then asked me if I would like breakfast. Before I could answer him I sneezed again. I saw him cringe away a little, but before he could say anything I accepted his offer of breakfast and slumped off to the living room.

He took a while to make breakfast and I was about to move off the sofa and see if anything was the matter, when he brought in what was almost a full English breakfast. “What’s all this for?” I asked as he placed it on the table.

“Well, you’re obviously coming down with something and there’s nothing better than good hot food when you’re ill.” Levi nodded and then left to go and fetch the other plate.

I pushed myself up off the sofa so that I could go and sit at the table to eat. Even though I was sometimes quite lazy, I always preferred to eat proper meals at the table. Otherwise I knew that I  would spill something on the material or forget that any dirty plates were there.

I picked up my knife and fork, ready to start before Levi even got back, and breathed in deeply, trying to smell the food in front of me. I could get hints of what it was, by I felt as if someone had stuffed corks up my nostrils. It was becoming increasingly hard to smell and breathe in though my nose.

After breakfast and spending far too long watching crappy TV shows, I got up and went to go grab my laptop. Just as I was leaving my room a wave of dizziness and nausea hit me.

 Levi came to ask what was wrong, I dismissed him, saying that I was fine, just a little tired. I managed to find one of my old hoodies and put it on. Then, I went to lie down underneath the covers. I curled into a little ball and closed my eyes.

The next time I opened them it was dark and the pain in my temples was sharper. I felt like a chain had been wrapped around my head with a brick attached to the end of it. I sighed and tried to breathe in through my nose, only to find that I couldn’t.

I rolled onto my back and found that that eased the pain a little. Suddenly the light came on and I had to squint because of how bright it was.

“I was just about to go to sleep, sorry brat.” Levi muttered as he moved to his side of the bed, where he put down a mug that was probably filled with tea.

I threw one of my arms over my eyes as a shield and muttered, “No, no. What time is it?”

“Just past one. You’ve been out for a while, like, seven hours? Maybe even eight?”

“And you didn’t think to wake me up?” I asked him. With sleeping patterns like that, I was even more off normal human schedule than usual. I moved my arm away from across my eyes.

“Nope,” Levi said with a small smile as he got under the covers next to me. “You look far too cute when you’re sleeping brat.”

I rolled my eyes at him as I sat up. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do then. Even after my long sleep, I still felt a little tired. Levi was ready to go to sleep as well, but I also felt too energised to go to sleep again.

“I might go and watch Netflix for a while,” I told him.

“Okay, but don’t stay up too late brat,” he replied as he started scrolling through something on his phone.

I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie down as I walked to the computer. It reminded me of the cold winters at school when I would do that to keep my hands warm in the bitter cold and then at home, I would be told off for stretching my jumpers.

Throughout watching I had had to get up to find some tissues and blow my nose. I hated keeping tissues once they had been used, so the process repeated itself until I finally just put the box next to the computer. I hadn’t wanted to do that in the first place because it was admitting what I didn’t want to be true; that I was ill.

Before I headed back to bed, at a time that probably was what Levi classed as staying up to late, I took some paracetamol and made myself another lemsip. That time as I drank it, I opened up one of the blinds in the living room and watched as my little street carried on with its life.

There were only a few people around in the whole time that I stood there, but just as I was pulling the blind down, I saw some lights flicker on across the street, a sign that it was the start of a new day, a start of another day with a cold that shouldn’t have been that bad, but was making feel like curling up in bed forever.

I trudged off to bed to find Levi curled up under most of the duvet. Instead of moving the cover, which would risk him waking up, I went without and lay down in a way which meant that the duvet was only covering my right side.

It was there that I slept until I heard a loud, “Morning!” I opened my eyes groggily and rubbed against them with the back of my palm. Even after more sleep, I still felt tired and I felt as if I was blocked up. I was sure that I probably looked disgusting as well.

Levi was stood at the foot of the bed, a tea towel over one arm and a tray in his hands. I tried to smell what it was that he had, but I only heard the awful sound that is made when you breathe through a blocked nose. “Morning,” I muttered, pushing myself up so I was in a sitting position.

Levi walked to my side of the bed and put the tray down precariously on the little bedside table. He passed me the tea towel, which I laid across my lap, and then moved back to pass me the tray. “Voila!”

He had made me some porridge with a cup of tea. I immediately knew where he got the idea from. I had been ill when staying with him once and then he made me porridge every morning because none of the shops sold anything else that I liked.

“Thank you,” I told him, “but you shouldn’t have. It’s only a cold.” That was the truth, even though at the time I think I would have preferred to streak naked past Buckingham Palace.

“Yeah, I know, but I like looking after you brat.” He walked around me so that he was back on his side of the bed and I started to eat as he spoke. “I googled it and colds can last from three to seven days, so I have planned out five days with different things that we can do on each day. Also, even there’s no cure for the common cold, I have gone to the shop to buy you some cold medicine.”

I was almost shocked by the amount of effort that he had gone to. I felt like I should have told him that I didn’t want all the attention, but I was sort of looking forward to it.

After I finished breakfast, he took the tray from me and we started our first 'ill day’. We took the duvet and pillows from our bed, then the same from the spare bed, and built a fort in the living room, using the dining room chairs as each end for it.

Once inside, Levi brought in his laptop and we spent hours snuggled up in there going on YouTube adventures to see what weird and wonderful videos we could find. It was warm and cosy in the fort, so I was a little upset when we had to leave it and take it down.

Then Levi went to the kitchen to make me some soup. He told me that it would be best if I waited for him to cook it, but being with him distracted me from how ill I felt, so I watched him as he cooked for both of us. I had slept in well past midday, which meant that this soup would be dinner.

In the bread bin, we found that we still had half a baguette, which was luckily still in date. Levi instructed me to look over the soup whilst he cut the bread up with the bread knife. When he’d done that he opened the cupboard full of crockery that we had brought from our parents houses and found two soup cups hidden at the back.

“I knew we still had these!” he exclaimed as he put them down on the counter. They looked almost like bowls, but they also had the shape and handle that you would expect from a cup. One had two lemons on the side and the other had to oranges. I chose the one with the lemons.

As we were serving it up, I felt a big sneeze coming and quickly turned around, covering my nose and mouth with the hands. The thing that was left on them was not at all appetising and I had to scuttle away to grab some tissues while Levi took our food to the table.

When I had been in the pillow fort with Levi, I had started to feel a little better, but looking back on it, I knew it had only been a distraction. Before dinner was over, I could feel my headache coming back and I was sniffling a lot more than I had been previously.

Afterwards I resigned myself to the sofa, where I snuggled up under a duvet that we had left out and caught up on a few TV shows that I had missed over the previous weeks. After doing some things on his laptop, Levi joined me. I curled up next to him.

The next thing I knew, I was being prodded. I squirmed away from whatever it was and opened my eyes slightly. I could see bright white and was confused for a second before I realised that it was the duvet set.

I sat up and found myself looking into Levi's eyes. He had put his glasses on, so I could see my reflection slightly. “Time for bed brat,” Levi said, a smile playing at the edge of his lips.

I brought the duvet up so that I was covering the whole of my torso. “What time is it?” I asked.

“Time we were asleep probably. Well, you already were, but I’m getting tired now and I didn’t want to leave you here, especially as you’re curled up in our duvet.” He reached up one of his hands to cup my cheek gently and I leaned into his touch. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I could sleep for a lot longer,” I chuckled, but when I saw how concerned Phil’s expression was I decided to take his question more seriously. “I still feel ill.” My body decided that that would be a appropriate time to cough and I let out a little sniffle.

“In a way I’m glad you do,” Levi told me, “otherwise it would be a waste of all the other things I’ve planned.”

When I woke the next morning, I was alone in the bed. I rolled onto my side so that I could see the clock, which told me it was eleven. By the amount of sunlight coming in through the window I knew it had to be eleven in the morning and was silently pleased with myself for not sleeping through the whole day.

I got out of bed and padded through to the kitchen. Levi wasn’t there, but I decided to make myself a cup of coffee so I could fully wake up before I went to go and find him. While the water was boiling, I decided to have a biscuit, but I felt like it tasted a bit off.

Once the coffee was made, I took a tentative sip and almost spat it out with how hot it was. Temperature aside, I also couldn’t taste it. I took a deep breath in and found that I couldn’t smell it either, not that I was too surprised with how blocked up I felt.

Then I heard a little bang from lower down in the apartment. I knew it was Levi because I had heard that sound multiple times before when he was moving around. I set my coffee down and headed for the stairs.

Levi was just shutting the bathroom door as I came to the end of the flight of stairs. “Oh,” he said with surprise as he saw me. “I thought I’d have to come and wake you up.”

“No need,” I told him as I adjusted my top slightly. “What are you up to?” I sniffled after my sentence and brought my hand up to my nose.

He turned around so that he could open the door. Then he made a gesture that indicated I should go into the bathroom, which I did, with him following me in.

The bath was filled with warm water that was gradually turning a pink colour and around the room there were various candles lit. I felt like reminding him how bad it was to leave lit candles unattended, but I was too overwhelmed by how good it looked to make any comment.

“I thought a bath might help you to feel better. That’s what I was doing on the laptop last night. I went to Lush this morning to get some things that Hangi said would be good.” He took a deep breath and looked over at me expectantly. “Do you like it?”

“Of course,” I told him truthfully and reached out so that I could hold his hand. I would have kissed him, but I wasn’t sure if he would be too happy with that, what with me being ill.

He turned around slightly as if he were about to leave, but I pulled him back. “I’ll leave you to it,” he said.

I shook my head. “Come in with me.”

“I’m not sure that the bath is big enough for both of us, I mean i know I'm short but...” I had to agree with his observation, but I still didn’t want to have all that he had prepared just for me.

“Please.” I tried to bat my eyelashes at him, but he only laughed.

“Okay then brat,” he muttered as he smiled.

We both stripped off and left our clothes in separate piles on the bathroom floor. I got in first, sitting at the end with the taps, and he got in second, sitting opposite me. The way that we had to sit meant that my left foot was pressed up against a more delicate part of his body, but we soon got past what little awkwardness there was and ended up splashing each other with the bubbly rose scented water.

After a while, Levi instructed me to turn around so that he could wash my hair. I complied and felt a bit of the pain in my head disappear as he massaged my head with the shampoo and then the conditioner.

As he rinsed my hair for the final time, I started to feel how cold the water was getting and let out a little shiver. We soon got out and as Levi wrapped one of the larger towels around me, he gave me a small kiss on the cheek. I felt myself blushing a little, but decided not to try and hide it.

Levi insisted that I shouldn’t wear my clothes from the day before and instead left to find me some comfortable clothes, whilst I drained the bath.

He brought me back a pair of tracksuit bottoms, a top and my old university hoodie. I put them on happily and followed him to the kitchen when he said that we should go there. I found my cup of coffee, which was getting a bit cold and took some paracetamol while Levi went around to various cupboards, getting multiple things out.

“Right,” he said once he had an assortment of things of the kitchen counter. “Firstly we’re going to make cookies and then while they’re in the oven we’re going to make something that my grandma used to make.”

He brought his laptop in and set it on the counter that was clear of stuff. On the open tab there was a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Just the thought of them made me hungry when I had barely felt it before.

My main job was to read the instructions out as Levi was worried that I would contaminate the mixture and to be fair to him, I was sneezing and coughing most of the time. We ended up with far too much mixture to be able to cut out and fit onto one tray, so I got to cut out my cookies into various shapes and Levi got to cut out ones to put onto his tray. Most of mine were circles as being ill cut my creativity levels, but he had various animals and other objects.

Looking at the computer for so long had made my head start to hurt, so Levi said that he would made the dish that his grandma used to make by himself while I went and relaxed for a bit. He also made a comment about how cute my curly hair was, but I only shook my head at that.

Back in our room, I found the second Song Of Ice And Fire book, which I had been meaning to start for a while. Instead of taking a nap, as I had planned to, I ended up reading. I tucked myself under the duvet, but stayed sitting as I read.

I was soon so absorbed in the storyline that I forgot completely about being ill, or the time, or Phil. When I felt the mattress go down slightly I was so shocked that I jumped.

“Sorry,” Levi said. “I didn’t want to interrupt.” I saw that he had put on his 'kiss the cook’ apron and that it was quite messy.

“No, no,” I told him and I moved my bookmark from further on in the book to the page that I was on. “Do you need my help with anything?”

“I’m just about to dish up actually.”

“Dish up?” I took a look over at the clock and found that it was almost half four. “Was I really reading for that long?”

“Time flies when you’re ill,” Levi said as he stood up.“You hungry?” I hadn’t thought about food until he asked me that and suddenly my stomach let out a grumble. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he chuckled.

We both went through to the kitchen where there was a glass dish filled with what Phil had been cooking sitting on top of the hobs. There was also a colander sitting in a pan, which I assumed to be filled with vegetables.

I tried to breathe in the small of what he had been cooking, but all I got was that awful blocked nose sniffing sound. “What is it?” I asked.

“Cottage pie,” Levi told me as he opened one of the draws to get our a serving spoon. He put our food onto plates and then we took it to the dining table where there were more plates with cookies on them.

I ate slowly, trying my hardest to taste what Levi had made, but I found myself struggling to do so. After that, we both had a few cookies before declaring that we couldn’t have any more for fear of our stomachs bursting.

That night, I woke up multiple times coughing and sneezing, even waking Levi on some occasions. However, that morning I was starting to feel clearer. I knew that I had passed the worst.

For the first time, Levi wasn’t up before me so he hadn’t had the chance to set up what he wanted us to do. We made a breakfast of toast together in the kitchen and then Levi instructed me to make us some tea whilst he set up what he wanted us to do.

He came back in just as I was pouring the tea out of the teapot. He carried both of our cups into the living room and I followed him in. Spread over the table, were lots of different photos, most of us, some of places that either or both of us had been to and some of our friends. In the background I recognised some of my favourite piano music.

Levi set our mugs down on the coffee table and picked up a ring bound album with the word 'Memories’ on the front of it. “I also got loads of photos printed out yesterday,” he told me with a smile, “and I thought we could make album of them.”

“That would be great!” I replied enthusiastically. We started with photos back from when we first met. I almost laughed at some of them, partially from my choice of clothing and partially because of how awkward we had been around each other then.

As we looked through more I was reminded of all the happy memories that the pictures showed and also of how much we had both grown as people over our few years of knowing each other.

When we took a break for our soup lunch, most of the album was full and there were no pictures left for us to put in. We put it on the set of shelves where all the DVDs were, so that if we ever wanted to flick through it, it was easy for us to reach.

Then Levi got Monopoly out from the bottom of his wardrobe. I chose to be the little dog and Levi decided that he would play as the old boot. It took us a long while for all the properties to go, but once they did there was a lot of bargaining, some of which I found unfair because I felt like he was taking advantage of me being ill, and a lot of building.

After many hours of playing, I landed on Mayfair which had a hotel on it and had to concede because of a particularly bad go around the board. For once though, I wasn’t too angry about it. Instead I came out with the line, “Winner puts away.”

I knew he would have done it anyway, as he normally did, but I felt like I needed to give him a reason to do things for me. Over the day I had been starting to feel a lot better and I knew it was only a matter of time before things went back to normal, but I didn’t want it to end.

I slept the whole night through that night and in the morning when I woke up I took a deep breath in, expecting to find my nose blocked as it had been previously, but I could actually feel the air rushing through my nostrils and although it still seemed a little bunged up, it was definitely a lot better.

If I had been back in school or at a nine till five job, I would have gone back in that day, but I didn’t have any of that, so I decided instead that I would pretend to be ill for a little longer.

That day, Levi brought his old PS1 from the study to the living room and set it up with an extension cord so we didn’t have to sit on the floor and play.

I didn’t know what most of the games that he showed me were, so consequently he won most of them when we started to play them, but I soon picked up how to play each one well and started to beat him a few times.

It was then that he started to question how ill I was. “I thought with you being ill and everything that I’d beat you easily.”

I let out a small cough before replying. “No. I still have these super video games skills when I’m ill.”

Levi looked at me questioningly after that, but I hoped that I could still convince him that I was ill enough that I needed to be looked after.  Just a little longer, I told myself. Just a little longer convincing him that you’re ill and then you can go back to normal.

As we played on, I made sure that I lost a few more rounds, hoping that it would put him off my trail. He seemed happy when he won and so I thought I had done enough.

For dinner, Levi made a curry with naan bread, onion bhajis and vegetable pakoras. As my nose was clearer, I could smell the flavours rising from the pan and I licked my lips in anticipation of the meal, which did turn out to be more than delicious.

Then we settled down on the sofa to watch some movies. I noticed that Levi had put a cardboard box of tissues next to the little table on my side of the sofa and at various points throughout the movie I took one to blow my nose into, making all the appropriate sounds with my mouth instead of them actually coming from me naturally.

Before going to bed, I pretended to take some paracetamol and some of the medicine Levi had gotten me to keep up the act. I was starting to find pretending to be ill more tiring than actually being ill.

When I woke up the next morning I was feeling even better and knew that the cold had completely cleared itself out. Levi was still asleep, his small frame curled up on his side facing away from me, so I decided to breathe in deeply and let the air rush in. “Just a little longer,” I whispered to myself and made the move to get out of bed, but suddenly I heard Levi's voice from the bed beside me.

“I knew it.” He rolled over and glared up at me. “I knew you weren’t ill.”

“I … I’m so sorry Levi. I was ill and then I started to feel better but I liked you looking after me. I’m sorry.”

“Really?” he questioned.

“Yes, yes I am.”

“Good,” he said with a small smile. “You can make me breakfast then brat.”

I sighed and got out of bed. I started to feel a bit bad about what I’d done. Levi had gone to a lot of effort to try and make me feel better and it wasn’t right for me to use him just for that. “Sorry again,” I muttered as I reached the door.

“(M/N)!” Levi called me and I turned back round to face him. “It’s okay, I enjoy looking after you, just don’t lie to me, okay?”

I walked back over to the bed and leaned over it so that I could bring our lips together. “That’s perfectly okay,” I whispered

~Ver

[annnnnnabanana]

How can you tell them that you want them and that you care for them but you can’t be with them. I’ll always be there for you. when it is 3am and im drunk or when its 2pm and im working. I’m there. always there. it’s you; it’s always been you since I met you five months ago. The way you make me feel is insane. It’s an indescribable feeling. You made me feel every single fucking emotion. You made me so happy but you managed to make me so sad. Luckily the happy outweighed the sad. Maybe one day we will cross paths, you’ll see me, i’ll see you, we’ll meet up and reconnect and talk like we never stopped. Our passion was like fire. Bright and hot. We loved hard for five months. We definitely fought to be together. You picked me. You wanted me instead of her. I picked you over everyone. You understood me. I remember staying up for nights in a row just to talk to you until morning. Our silences were so calming and weren’t awkward. I could sit there and listen to you breathe and be so content with life. I wish we were in my car and I was driving doing something stupid and you just laughed like I was an idiot but I really knew you were falling in love with me with every little moment we spent together. From the waffle house dates to playing monopoly to getting lost in Narnia a.k.a. IKEA to sitting in my room just talking to being on facetime and you making music or you showing me your favorite songs. God I miss you. To be honest, I don’t think i’ll ever stop missing you. You were something special. You didn’t know how to open up to me. I struggled because i knew you wanted to let me in but you couldn’t. You didn’t want to get hurt. You didn’t want someone to learn so much about you that they could hurt you. I wasn’t ever going to hurt you. I never planned on it. But you, you hurt me. You destroyed me. I’m broken because of you. But there you are, partying and getting drunk with random people you don’t know, probably fucking some girl in your room, to suppress your feelings; but here I am, getting drunk and crying my pitiful, sad tears all alone to let out my feelings. You’re numb. You put up these walls that I spent five months trying to break down. I let you in straight away because i’m too trusting. I care too much. I love too deeply. I get attached too easily. It fucks me up. Maybe one day i’ll learn to not do that to keep my heart from being broken and crushed. You ripped my heart out of my chest tonight. I’ll be numb too, just like you. But eventually i’ll be okay. I’ll find someone who won’t make me feel like this. You’ll still be sleeping around trying to forget your hurt and pain. I wonder if you’ll lay in your bed at night tossing and turning because you can’t sleep because you’re thinking of me and if I still miss you. If you’re wondering, I do. We both have some growing up to do. We both were changing. You couldn’t handle having someone there to help you through it. You didn’t want to change together. You didn’t want to grow with me, I did. I wanted to go through everything with you; the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. You were scared you were going to hurt me so you let me go. It was more painful to know you didn’t want to try with me. You tried to spare my feelings. I’m not some fragile fucking doll. I am a damn human. I am strong and I can take what you throw at me. I wanted us to work out. In all honesty, it got to the point, for me, where I was day dreaming about our future together. Our house, our jobs, our kids, our wedding. All of it. But it doesn’t matter now. You threw it all away… But I hope you can be happy and successful just like I hope you wish the same for me. I won’t talk bad about you because you were and still are what I wanted. You’ll forever be engraved in my heart and my mind. You taught me how a guy should treat me, how I should be loved, and I can’t thank you enough for it. Hopefully, I taught you something too. Maybe you can love your next girl even better and treat her even better. Maybe she will be more than what I could/ did give you. I hope she does you well. I hope she checks up on you while you’re drunk. I hope she likes your music and she supports you. I hope she doesn’t get mad when you need to be alone because you’re going through something you can’t explain. I hope she knows your favorite colors, that you only like Chickfilas diet lemonade and that’s all you will drink from there, your slightly unhealthy obsession with Selena Gomez and butts, that you love choking people and that it is your job, that you can eat seven plates of food and still be hungry, that your favorite movie of all time is Dead pool, that you’re insecure about your calves and only you can make fun of them or you get upset, that you and your sister are really close, that you and your dad share college stories, that you love memes and deadlifting, that your favorite animal is a penguin, that you believe in aliens, that even though you are lactose intolerant you still choose to eat area 51 ice cream because that is your favorite place, that you also really love chicken nuggets and I think if it were possible you would marry them, that you love waffle house, that you love crazy crew socks, that you love being dressy and you love playing dress up, that when you start tapping your fingers to the beat of a song you are playing the beat in your head and trying to figure it out, that you’re weird but it makes you ten times funnier, that you are charming, that you are the perfect gentleman, that it is hard for you to open up and let people in, and I hope she gets to know more of you than I got to know even if I wanted to know every detail about you; from the day you were born to the very day and moment we are in right now.

Why can’t you get drunk and text me that you miss you like I do when i’m drunk. It doesn’t seem fair that you hold it together so well while i’m barely holding on by a thread, just dangling there waiting for someone to cut the string. You remember how this whole thing started? It started with Grey’s Anatomy. You tweeted, “what’s so hype about greys?” I replied, “hot doctors and crazy cool illnesses.” You said, “hmm maybe i’ll watch an episode.” A few days later, I dmed you because it gave me the perfect excuse to talk to you. Of course you said you didn’t watch it. I remember the first thing you told me was that you thought your middle name was weird and then you randomly told me your middle name. we talked every day from that night. We made so many memories starting from that night. and now… now it’s all over. Both going through the same cycle. Heartbreak, sadness, possibly anger, happiness. But then we just start over with someone new and then go through that cycle with them. I didn’t want to have to start over. I didn’t want to go through the heartache or the breakups or the sadness. I wanted to be with you and only you. I wanted to wake up at 4am and look to my left and see you laying next to me. I wanted to make breakfast together in our cute apartment/ house. I wanted to cuddle up next to you on our couch eating dinner and drink some sort of alcoholic beverage enjoying each others company watching some weird ass show I probably found. I’ll always wonder what you’re doing. If you’re talking to some new girl. If you’re having sex with some girl to fill the void like you do. I’ll wonder if you’re okay. I’ll wonder if you wonder about me. I’ll wonder if you want to get back together with me. I’ll always wonder. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I miss you and I hope you miss me too. 1/22/2017 2:05am 1/24/2016 11:03pm You texted me today. I replied with I miss you. You didn’t reply. I drove to all of our places today. I cried and I laughed because of our memories we made. Im sad because I know that it’s completely over between us and I wish it wasn’t because we had so much growing to do that we could have done together. I know you want to be with me but right now it’s too hard. We could have been something special, ya know? Really special. We could have given each other the world. I miss you so much. Its only been four days but all I do is cry. 1/27/17 8:07am I am in class. It’s boring. And all I’m doing is thinking about you. I still miss you. It’s been 6 days, almost a week since we broke up. I’m still sad but I’m better. I hope we can try again one day. You were and still are my favorite person. You make me so happy. You said you wanted to be with me but you couldn’t. It hurt but it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as when you said you are trying to detach yourself. That broke me. I’m sorry for talking about my feelings and oversharing and just missing you. I don’t really know what to do. I have this feeling that we will get back together but in my mind we won’t. I have not been able to get the thought out of my head that you are fucking some other girl and the thought of that makes me sick. Like honestly sick, like I could throw up at any moment. I had a dream last night: you came to my house with flowers, talked to my mom. You didn’t tell her we were broken up because you knew that I never told her in hopes of us getting back together and I didn’t want her to not like you. You came to my room and asked if we could talk and I said get the hell out because I didn’t want to speak to you because you broke my heart. You didn’t leave. You came in, shut my door and sat on my bed. I sat up and said I didn’t want to hear anything you had to say because I was sick of your bullshit. You talked to my anyways because you knew I would listen. You said, “I want to be with you, Anna. I miss you and I keep coming back to you. You are my favorite person. I would do anything for you. I care about you so much. Do you miss me? (as if you didn’t already know the answer).” “Of course I miss you, Braeden. How could I not? You were so special to me and I don’t think you realized it. But I am so sick of your bullshit excuses and I’m tired of running back to you just so you can break my heart again and again and again. You showed me something about myself that I didn’t think anyone could show me. You showed me how I should be treated by everyone that came into my life and I can’t thankyou enough for that.” “Do you wanna go for a drive with me”, you asked. “Yeah, I do.” We got up to leave. My mom said be safe and that she loved us. We got in your car and started driving. You told me why you left and that there was no ulterior motive behind it, that you weren’t lying. I am so appreciative of the fact that you are so honest with me. I stared out the window while you were talking to me. I couldn’t look at you without crying. I just wanted to hug and kiss you but I knew I couldn’t do that. That it wouldn’t be fair to me or you. I am always looking out for you. I always have and will put you and your feelings above myself even though I know I shouldn’t do that. You looked at me looking out the window and you smiled. I saw it in the reflection of the windshield. I said what. You said, “I have to tell you something and im not sure how you will react or how im going to react after the words come out of my mouth.” I said, “what is it? Are you gonna tell me you slept with 15 girls in the matter of a 2 weeks and then got back together with Mallory?” “No I wasn’t going to tell you that. Why would you think that? I never even thought of sleeping with someone else Anna.”, you said. I said, “ that’s what you do Braeden. When you are single, you fuck. That’s all you do is fuck.” I knew when I said that, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I apologized for saying it. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. You told me that it was okay; that you knew I was sorry. You acted like it didn’t affect you. I hate when you do that. You put up this façade and act like nothing matters to you and that nothing hurts you and that you don’t care. I do it too. I am trying to stop it. You said, “can I tell you what I was trying to tell you ten minutes ago?” we are in horn lake somewhere, I don’t remember driving that far. “yes you can, Im sorry.” Im always apologizing for something. “don’t be sorry, Anna. But * long pause* I think I love you.” I sit up and I finally looked at you. “what?” “Yes, Anna, I really do.” “Since when Braeden because you sure as hell don’t act like it,” I said. “since I met you. I knew it on our first date that I was gonna fall in love with you.” “oh…,” I said. Then I woke up and Im not quite sure what happened after that.. I know that this dream will never happen in real life. I know that you don’t love me like that. I know you don’t want me. And that’s okay. I’m eating. More than the last time we broke up. Im not drowning my feelings and filling my veins with alcohol like I did before. Im better. I might be sad but im better. My mom asked about you Friday, I had to tell her and she got mad at me for not telling her sooner… Telling her, made it seem so much more real. I didn’t want her to know because it gave me some sort of hope in us getting back together. I didn’t want her to not like you but she still likes you even loves you. I had another dream; all you did was text me about some hockey player attatched with a picture. It was weird and I don’t know what’s happening to me. Its been 4 days and I still haven’t cried.. its been a week and one day since we broke up and it still hurts just like it did the first time you broke up with me. Day 11 since we broke up… 2/1/17 10:31am Well its our almost what would have been six months of being together. 3 months of officially dating. But that doesn’t exist anymore. I got sad yesterday and of course im still sad today. I think about you all the time. You never leave my mind. It’s literally impossible to go a second without seeing thinking of you. I see you in everything I do. It hurts me but somehow makes me happy at the same time. I still have all our pictures and videos because I can’t seem to delete them. It would make me sad to know that I could never look back at all the memories we made. I am honestly surprised I am doing as well as I am. When we broke up the first time, I was a mess. I didn’t eat or sleep or anything really. The only thing I did was drink and drink and drink. Its all I did for a week straight. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t breathe. I felt sick. I missed my home. My comfort. My safe place. You were my home. I never felt safer than when I was in your arms. Your hugs made me feel warm and happy. No matter what I did or how I felt, you were always there for me. It’s hard to do things without thinking of you or it bringing back memories. I can’t listen to certain songs or go to certain places or order certain things without crying or feeling sadness because it is all associated with you. I remember every little detail about you and our relationship. It’s a constant cycle of me just replaying our memories in my brain. It’s never ending. You are on my mind when I wake up, all day, when I go to sleep, and even in my dreams. I can never get away from you no matter how hard I try. I know it’s not over for us. I feel it in my bones, my heart, my brain, my blood, everything. We are nowhere near done; not any time soon. I was talking to Meagan last night. I know what you are thinking; your best friend. My Mallory has told me over and over that all you did was use me for sex. But I don’t think you did. If I did, you wouldn’t have stayed with me for five months. You would have left me the second after we did stuff together. I think you genuinely cared for me and showed me how I should be treated and I cant thank you enough for that. I am so appreciative of you. I know you know that I am always there for you no matter what and that I will always care for you and that you will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. I told her that I think we were getting super serious too fast and it scared you. You aren’t used to something like that. You take your time but I think you realized that you were falling and falling hard and fast and you didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening. Im terrified. I didn’t know what I was feeling or how I was feeling. My emotions went crazy. I think I realized that I was falling too. I’m scared of being happy. Scared of being in love. Scared of fully opening myself up to someone. I know you are too. I don’t think you and Mallory or any of your exes had a connection like we did. I don’t think you felt like this with anyone but me. I really do hope you are doing okay because im not. Im doing horrible. Im constantly being asked if I am and I say yes but I know I am lying and I think they know im lying too. They still like you. They hope that we get back together. They want you to come over on super bowl Sunday. My dad asked about you… He said he missed you and he never says that about anyone. Im sorry I feel the way I feel. Im sorry I couldn’t help you get through what you needed to get through. I told Meagan that she could read this one day but I don’t think I will let her. Maybe one day I can stop writing because A) we get back together or B) I finally get over you. Man, I hope it is the first one. I really do. But for right now, I’m not done writing and I won’t be anytime soon.. I Love You So Much. Its 3:03am on Friday February 3rd, 2017. You sent me a song yesterday that you remixed. It was another one of your breakup mixes, you know, the ones that make you a lot of money and get you a lot of views… yeah one of those. I don’t know why you did it. Was it to hurt me? To remind me of you and that you still existed? Either way it was still good and I really like it. But I decided to look up the meaning of the lyrics and it hurt me. “fighting flames of fire hang onto burning wires we don’t care anymore Are we fading lovers?” It makes total sense. We had hardships in our relationship. A lot, actually. We are fading; we don’t talk anymore. We hung to burning wires; clinging for us to stay together. Fighting for what we wanted and needed. I cried for so long today. My mom is worried. I don’t know how long it will take me to be happy again. I’m getting drunk tonight, and Saturday and Sunday. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take my feelings and emotions and the pain. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and stepped on by a bunch of elephants. You were like the ocean and I was drowning. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how I’m functioning. I am a functioning depressed person. I hope you regret it. I hope you regret leaving me. I hope you realize you made a wrong choice and that you come back to me. I hope that you think about me everyday.. and what we could have been. You texted me today.. 2/9/17.. you asked about your red jacket. I know you knew I didn't have it, or so I thought? Was it just an excuse to text me, to see me? What was it? Because i cant keep having you text me randomly when you miss me or when you feel like. Its fucked up on your end knowing how much I care for you.

[geraldinesnell]

5am thoughts in February 2017

**ADDENDUM; pervaded by sneering inner voice of depression, hyper-aware of my privilege, just trying to exorcise some of this internalised authority/capitalist bullshit and someone else might find it cathartic to read or identify with, perhaps, maybe, it’s worth it if so. ALSO there is a better way to DO we need to be aware and vigilant but not to the point of following the ins and outs of it all and burdening ourselves to the point of illness or debilitation, accept chaos but also accept that we CAN resist but we have to do it together and we have to be well**

Defeat << LOL don’t be so melodramatic you depressive shit! Easy for you to say, in any case.

Art?! What good is art right now? The stakes are too high. Step up, step out of the bubble. Echo chamber fuckin fuckheadz (see video below for comic relief); we’re all being played. Data streams and like-like enclaves have so much to answer for.

But then depression gives you a false sense of insight, AND doom!! That deep grief feeling is here anyway, whether the world is burning or not, find comfort in that, if nothing else…

You say to friends:

What can we do?

Thinking about number one, what if that money you managed to save up becomes worthless?

War time is a possibility in our lifetime! Imagine being a refugee!! THIS IS STILL HAPPENING IN 2017, just not to privileged complacent fuckheadz like us. *yet*

Is it a case of resisting or escaping? And what about those who aren’t able to escape?

And what if we can’t escape because the world is nuked?

You suppose if you care about all this then you’re not really depressed? Or the opposite; this degree of caring, this compulsion to burden and guilt-trip yourself with it is the epitome of some grand depressive strategy your brain has invented to fuck yourself over with even though you’re perfectly able and capable. There you go again - BRAIN! As if it’s limited to your brain and not your whole being ‘lol’.

Protests, when represented in the news, just become a soundbite; lefty luvvies with nothing better to do causing a nuisance disrupting shit with their social justice crusades. ‘Suddenly everyone is an expert on politics’ TROLLFACE.

ARGH

IS there a plan? Are far right religious nuts in government actually religious or do they just know that the ONLY way to get people behind them enough for them to do whatever they want in terms of handing the whole state over to corporate / capital interests is to drum up this war of ideologies Christian crusade / general extreme divide and rule bullshit? Like, is Steve Bannon actually a Christian? Does Donald Trump actually think women shouldn’t be able to have abortions? Of course not!!! It’s likely he’s paid for many fuckin abortions for women he’s knocked up (I don’t even want to think about this). It’s likely maybe that one of his daughters has had an abortion. They will all indulge in ultimate ‘vices’ (WHY THESE STUPID MORAL STANDARDS IT’S 2017 FFS!!!!) behind closed doors, putting on the respectable stiff suited righteous-pious WHITE-SUPREMACIST MISOGYNIST public persona. This is all about rich white dudes cementing their rule of the world, and creating and exploiting religious fervour is really the only way to gain ultimate control.

Maybe the middle ground wasn’t so bad after all…

Can’t there be a way to divide and rule which isn’t so extreme, so white-supremacist patriarchal bullshit?

Although Joe Stillwater made an astute point about America and white priv: ‘The culture of “the flaying of backs; the chaining of limbs; the strangling of dissidents; the destruction of families; the rape of mothers; the sale of children" (Ta-Nehisi Coates) still sits beneath this place. It's not gone, only just rearing its head again. We thought that maybe it's gone, or at least, those of us who aren't black. Those of us that are black know that shit isn't true. Time for those of us that aren't black to look harder at that nasty turd of deep cast racism (now embodied by a tangerine), and ask yourself where that beast lives within you, and if you can eradicate it now that it lives again in the light.’

Some will read this and think, “what is she on about, that’s America. We’re Britain, it’s not even our concern or fight.” (Never mind our government’s complicity and the indications that we’re going the same way, never mind their current policies and strategies of divide and rule) Those that don’t see the bigger picture…

You console yourself by looking at this chart; at this particular bigger picture. But humanity is showing no signs of pressing pause, of consciously re-evaluating its (lack of) purpose and strategically bringing about the fluid mode. You think this chart is very optimistic. You think of all those conversations among similarly-educated friends and peers about the world and how it’s lovely that you are all so optimistic and utopian in your thinking. Like, it’s 2017! Let’s all get our shit together, press pause and plan out how this can play out in a way that benefits everyone, not just the elite. How sweet!

You’ve gotta block it out, you’ve gotta save your spoons. you’ve gotta just take it one day at a time and not weigh yourself down with all this, because you’re no good to the cause if you’re ill-ill.

“Just don’t think about it.”

“Capitalism has won”

“You can only do your bit”

“You’re fuckin deluded, it’s not your job to save the world, stop reading articles!!”

“There’s every indication that the world is descending into fascism, that the elite are turning everyone against each in order to stabilise their hegemony. But it’s happened before, we’ve been relatively lucky so far in our lifetimes. But there’s nothing you can do about it on your own, and there’s nothing you can do if you’re ill”

World is a fuck and it doesn’t owe you SHIT

You say --- what about the Dadaists, didn’t they all go to Zurich and sit in cafes acknowledging and exploring the utter fuckin absurdity of it all, albeit whilst adopting equally daft nihilist stances, but, can’t we all just escape? --- YEAH BUT THEY mostly all FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR 1, AND THEN THEY SAID FUCK THIS SHIT, YOU GOT YOUR PRIORITIES WRONG, WORLD, FUCK YOUR IMPERIAL MONEY-DRIVEN WAR THAT YOU SHROUD WITH NATIONALISM TO JUSTIFY SENDING A WHOLE GENERATION OF MEN TO AN EARLY GRAVE in the trenches of France --- yeah but we don’t have to fight a hollow, horrific war to know that it’s absurd and not the answer! We already know there is no answer, but that we need to proactively structure the world with that in mind, in a way that distributes wealth fairly!

“Fuck the world before it fucks you”

“Life isn’t fair”

The world is a hostile place, but you knew that already because you’re aware. People say: is it really that much worse? All this shit was going on anyway, it was just covert, systematic, embedded, institutionalised, the ‘DEEP STATE’. But it is worse, it’s tangibly worse for many real fuckin people who are being continuously dehumanised and scapegoated at best, abused, deported or worse at worst.

Maybe you should get laser eye surgery for the ‘pok-ee-lipz

Maybe you should go to sleep (oh wait, you did, you switched off at 5pm after accomplishing work and avoiding the news, you got pissed and  did a bit of shaking and you sang your songs and made time for yourself and drew without it having to be ‘work’. Then you woke up at 4am with your mind racing, and you tried to sleep, but you knew you had to come and write. Now you’re here. Go back to bed, rest, be well. You’re no good to anyone when you’re ill.

[thedayacrossmn]

A DAMn CHAMPION

Make no mistake, The Day Across Minnesota is a “race”. Regardless as to whether or not you choose to try and finish before the guy next to you, you’re still trying to beat Father Time. Last year, Minneapolis’ own Ted Loosen, not only bested Father Time, but he also managed to be the first across the state in just 13 hours and 19 minutes. We asked Ted to share a little about his DAMn experience and he did. This is a good read for a racer simply looking to finish before midnight or someone gunning to be the first to Hager City. Thank you for sharing, Ted, and happy Father’s Day to you.

“The 2017 DAMn was an event that, truth be told, I had to be "talked" (pressured) into. I thought the concept was fantastic, a gravel race across Minnesota, but why in the hell did it have to start at midnight? Who am I going to find to crew for me, someone that needs to be awake at times like 1am and 4am in random corn fields in the middle of nowhere? and cue cards? No GPS file of the route and I would be forced to use cue cards? The cue cards were a massive WTF to me and nearly the deal breaker to me not doing the event....yes, I fully admit Im getting soft.

As race day approached, I found myself sweating all the little things about this bike race such as how to use cue cards again (no joke), nutrition, etc. I’m not new to the gravel game but a 240 mile ride is a different beast and had me overthinking things. For as much thinking as I did about the event ahead of time, I sure didn't do any actual planning, as I showed up to the race with just shorts and a jersey and the temp at night was going to be in the 30's! In August! Im an idiot for only bringing shorts and a jersey, but if your going to be an idiot, at least have good friends who overthink things AND overpack- a borrowed long sleeve jersey and some leg warmers were just the ticket. 

I did not feel very good at the start of the race. I was tired, the pace was super fast, the legs were sluggish, all things that are super encouraging when its midnight and you are 5 miles into a 240 mile event. But, I kept going. I didn't feel very good at a 100 miles. I kept going. Some folks in our group were starting to get fancy and doing some attacking and I was resolved to ride my own race and not chase down the moves, but none of the moves amounted to much and we were still one group at the front. I didn't feel great for a large portion of the race, not until maybe 200 miles into the race, and then my legs woke up. Whose legs take 200 miles to wake up? 

The DAMn is a race of attrition at its finest. You will be having a chat with somebody and everything seems fine with them, you finish your pull at the front of the group and head to the back and realize that person is gone. Just keep going. There were 4 or 5 of us left at the front of the race when the real racing started with about 20 miles to go. Brian attacked on a hill and got a good gap on the rest of us that kept widening. It was a fantastic move, and I thought it was game over for the rest of us. I decided it was now or never and went after him and slowly reeled him in making contact with about 5 miles to go. He is a much better sprinter than me so I decided to not let it come to that and crossed the finish line solo to the massive applause and huge crowds of....a cardboard sign. I pulled into a driveway near the finish line and sat in the shade of a tree and Brian joined me shortly thereafter. It was a fantastic finish to a fantastic event, cardboard sign and all. 

Much of my initial misgivings regarding the DAMn turned out some of its strengths- The midnight start ended up being one of my favorite features of the event because I got to experience a true night ride, which was magical at the time (holly crap the bugs and bats!). When the sun came up in the morning, it felt like a new day and the entire previous night was completely forgotten- I was surprised how little effect no sleep had with a bright days sun. As far as the cue cards go, I learned to love them! Seriously! No, not seriously, ...who loves cue cards?  they still suck, just like they sucked when I last used them 10 years ago...come on Trenton, we all remember what dial up internet was like, it doesn't mean any of us want to use it any more, give us a GPS file !  :) Fine, Ill admit it, the cue cards were not terrible...but thats the best I will say on record.

Just remember that in a 240 mile race, the only guarantee is that you are going to have highs and your going to have lows, and some of you might also take 200 miles for your legs to wake up, so just keep going.

PS- Big Big smooches to Ben Doom for twisting my arm to ride the DAMn in the first place, and for the long-sleeve jersey and leg warmers, and for his wife and mom for crewing for me, and for holding my hand in the dark when I was scared, and and and...pretty much everything else. Bye!“

Photo Credit - Todd Bauer at tmbimages.com

[wellnesschange]

How to Lucid Dream for Beginners

Imagine having one of your most terrifying dreams. You are flying on a plane, going to your dream location with your best friend. Suddenly the sky outside your window darkens. Your friend asks what you are looking at as the plane starts to bump and jolt around. You simply shrug as you sit back and start to close your eyes. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning hits the wing and the engine bursts into flames before your eyes. The passengers panic and scream, grabbing onto their loved ones as you just sit quietly in your own form of panic. You look out the window and see the plane tilting to one side as the other engine struggles to keep the plane in flight. Suddenly, you remember that you have been training to lucid dream for months. This is all a dream you say to yourself, until it sinks into your psyche. You now realize it is only a dream. You look to your friend, grab their arm, and say “let’s find our happiness.” You close your eyes and start whispering your mantra. “I am aware. I am aware of my dreams.” You’re friend looks over at you, clenching your arm, about to speak. You each blink and suddenly, your feet are warm. Sinking slowly, water washing over them. You feel the heat of the sun on the back of your neck. You realize you are now at the beach. Your dream vacation has arrived.

What is lucid dreaming

Lucid dreaming is the art of becoming aware in your dreams. Realizing you are dreaming amidst your sleep. Then, taking that realization and controlling yourself and objects within the dream.

Controlling our dreams

What if we could control our dreams? You can’t die in your dreams. Why not take advantage of this to provide yourself with immense growth. Do you have a phobia? Let’s say you are afraid of snakes. This is the perfect environment to get over your fear. During a dream, find your awareness. Slowly enter into your lucid dream. Sit down in your dream.

Tell yourself that you are going to use this area to grow. Imagine a harmless small snake crawling up to you. It sits in front of you, as you sit on a large boulder. Notice how the non-venomous snake flickers its harmless tongue at you. Smelling the air with its senses as you do the same while breathing in deeply. Imagine a second and then a third crawling up nearby. The green and brown pattern looking beautiful reflecting in the warm sunlight. Once you are ready, pick one up. It doesn’t feel slimy or gross at all like you imagined. It feels just as any other small intelligent earth inhabiting creature would feel. You can feel its heart beat. You can feel its muscles contract and restrict as it raises its head to examine you. You and this creature mean no harm to the other. Two curious creatures with the only intents of growth and happiness. Now set it down and let it free. Let the three of them crawl back into the field to find their own sunning rock. You are one step closer to overcoming your fears in the awake world.

You can complete this practice for any fear. To have better control of this practice you can write out how the experience will go. Just like anything, the more planning, the better the results. You can also travel anywhere with lucid dreaming. Want to go to a beach but have no means or money to travel? You can do that. Start by controlling your dreams. Find your lucid state. Imagine the sand, the ocean, the wind in your hair, the warm sun, the hot dry sand, then walk to the ocean. You can go anywhere you would like. This is a great practice to try. The more you practice the better you can get. You can then take this practice and combine it with a daily meditation routine. See how lucid dreaming changes your meditation practice for the better over time. You can meet anyone, real or fiction. You can meet your favorite celebrity or fictional book character. They may not be the real version, but it is still an interesting practice. You can imagine yourself with your favorite character exploring a remote island or hiking a mountain. Listen to what they have to say. Maybe, your subconscious will speak to you through their voice. Anything at all you can imagine can be done.

Benefits of Lucid Dreaming

Lucid Dreaming comes with many benefits. Many more benefits than negative side effects.

It encourages healthy sleeping habits. If you are going to lucid dream it is best to create good sleeping habits. Sleep is controlled by your bodies Melatonin. Your body produces most of it at night. Therefore it is best for you to go to sleep between 8p and 12a nightly. Try to rise with the sun in the morning and sleep after it sets or a few hours after it sets.

Lucid Dreaming lets you grow and face your fears. As mentioned earlier you can tackle your fears and phobias with this practice. You can grow to become fearless in the natural world.

It helps you understand your subconscious mind. With Lucid Dreaming you can better understand your mind. You can use this practice to bring benefits to your meditation routines. It will make your more aware and conscious in your every day activities.

Lucid Dreaming helps you to train and practice skills during your sleep. You can utilize this technique to practice other skills. Practice a form of martial arts, meditation, a dance routine, a musical instrument, speaking calmly to an estranged family member. You can practice any skill that you are trying to improve.

Lucid dreams can expand your conscious boundaries.

Side Effects of Lucid Dreaming

I have came across only one negative side effect while reading Lucid Dreaming experiences of others. The experience of not knowing when you are dreaming and when you are awake. This would surely be a terrible side effect. Though, many at some point in their life have felt a small taste of this. They have felt they are living in a dream or living in a movie. Just like any illness, mental disorder, or problem; This is an opportunity to strengthen and find growth. This side effect of not knowing when you are awake is a sign of mental illness and should be treated by medical professionals.

Dream Journals

A dream journal is essential when starting out your Lucid Dreaming journey. You may think that you never or rarely have dreams, but everyone has dreams. It is estimated that every single person dreams for at least two hours per night. Any notebook can be your dream journal. You can even use some printer paper. Obviously, the more organized you can keep your journal habits the better. The true important part writing in a dream journal will be consistency and routine/habit writing. Write down what you remember from your dreams when you wake up each morning. If you don’t remember anything then write the date and that you do not remember anything from your dreams. This will help you create the habit of writing every morning you wake up. The quicker you can journal the better. If you wait until after you shower and get ready for the day, you will find you are forgetting bits and pieces if not the whole dream. After a few nights to a few weeks you should start to remember more and more of your dreams.

How to lucid dream

There are many different ways to get to the end result of Lucid Dreaming. I will go over one way that has worked for many.

Set an alarm for 6 hours after you go to sleep. Using a device that can set multiple alarms would be ideal. Let’s say you are going to start sleeping at 10p every night. You will want to start your bedtime routine an hour before this. At 9p go through your nightly steps. Lay in bed, turn off all electronics at least 30 minutes before you think you will fall into a slumber. Make sure your first alarm is set for 4am. You can set your next alarm for whenever you want to rise for the day. You have multiple REM cycles after you sleep. You have a REM(Rapid Eye Movement) cycle once every 2 hours or so. If you set an alarm 6 hours in, you should be in one of your longest REM cycles.

After you wake up 6 hours later you should be very close to a dream thus giving you a higher chance to remember this dream. Get up, get something to drink, and write in your dream journal about your recent dream. Write the date, the time, and as many details as you can remember. You do not need to write in perfect sentences. Especially since you may be tired. You will just want to journal quick notes. So that if you are reading this later, you can recall what you were dreaming of.

Lay back down and think about what it is you want to do in your next dream.

Repeat to yourself a mantra.(a simple sentence you can repeat to yourself to get something to stick into your mind and your subconscious.) Try a simple mantra like “I will be aware in my dreams” and repeat for 3-5 minutes or until you fall asleep. An additional mantra you could try before sleep would be: I will tell myself I am dreaming, while I am dreaming.

You could also try and repeat an action. Such as tensing your hands or rotating your arms until you fall asleep. The goal with this practice would be to try and do this in your dream. Once you do this action in your dream you will have a higher chance of correlating this action with awareness of your dream state.

Additional Tip: You can try listening to a “Lucid Dreaming Music boosting track”. There are many available online for free. I would recommend listening to it while you are awake during meditation. Then again while you drift to sleep. If you do this enough, you could relate hearing this sound in your dream with when you awake during your meditations. This would bring awareness into your dream and help you realize you are now in a dream state.

For many this doesn’t work on the first night. Like anything it takes practice. If you stick to these practices you should start to show success after a few nights to a few weeks. Especially with avidly keeping a dream journal. Lucid dreaming is easier for some but anyone can achieve lucid dreaming. The importance is routine, routine, routine, and practice, practice, practice. Once anything in your life is a habit, good or bad, it will start shaping your life.

Keeping your dreams stable

Normal dreams are movies. Lucid dreaming is knowing that you are dreaming while you are dreaming.

Excitement usually wakes you up. Once you realize you are dreaming many wake up right away. To keep your lucid dreams stable, remain calm once you realize you are dreaming. Attempt to lay/sit still in your dream. Observe your surroundings and notice your senses. Touch objects, listen to any sounds, and try to use your sense of smell. If the dream becomes unclear, try to rub your hands together or touch your legs. You can also try saying words like, “Calm” “clear” and “stable”. This will help ground you calmly within the dream. Try to do everything slowly while you take in your dream world.

Anyone can start Lucid Dreaming. It all depends on how determined you are to stay consistent when practicing this skill just as with any new skill. It is believed that this skill will help bring you one step closer to understanding your mind and finding true enlightenment.

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[wellnesschange]

How to Lucid Dream for Beginners

Imagine having one of your most terrifying dreams. You are flying on a plane, going to your dream location with your best friend. Suddenly the skies outside your window turn black. Your friend asks what you are looking at as the plane starts to bump and jolt around. You shrug as you sit back and start to close your eyes. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning hits the wing and the engine bursts into flames before your eyes. The passengers panic and scream, grabbing onto their loved ones as you just sit quietly in your own form of panic. You look out the window and see the plane tilting to one side as the other engine struggles to keep the plane in flight. Suddenly, you remember that you have been training to lucid dream for months. This is all a dream you say to yourself, until it sinks into your psyche. You now realize it is only a dream. You look to your friend, grab their arm, and say “let’s find our happiness.” You close your eyes and start whispering your mantra. “I am aware. I am aware of my dreams.” You’re friend looks over at you, clenching your arm, about to speak. You each blink and suddenly, your feet are warm. Sinking slowly, water washing over them. You feel the heat of the sun on the back of your neck. You realize you are now at the beach. Your dream vacation has arrived.

What is lucid dreaming

Lucid dreaming is the art of becoming aware in your dreams. Realizing you are dreaming amidst your sleep. Then, taking that realization and controlling yourself and objects within the dream.

Controlling our dreams

What if we could control our dreams? You can’t die in your dreams. Why not take advantage of this to provide yourself with immense growth. Do you have a phobia? Let’s say you are afraid of snakes. This is the perfect environment to get over your fear. During a dream, find your awareness. Slowly enter into your lucid dream. Sit down in your dream. 

Tell yourself that you are going to use this area to grow. Imagine a harmless small snake crawling up to you. It sits in front of you, as you sit on a large boulder. Notice how the non-venomous snake flickers its harmless tongue at you. Smelling the air with its senses as you do the same while breathing in deeply. Imagine a second and then a third crawling up nearby. The green and brown pattern looking beautiful reflecting in the warm sunlight. Once you are ready, pick one up. It doesn’t feel slimy or gross at all like you imagined. It feels just as any other small intelligent earth inhabiting creature would feel. You can feel its heart beat. You can feel its muscles contract and restrict as it raises its head to examine you. You and this creature mean no harm to the other. Two curious creatures with the only intents of growth and happiness. Now set it down and let it free. Let the three of them crawl back into the field to find their own sunning rock. You are one step closer to overcoming your fears in the awake world.

You can complete this practice for any fear. To have better control of this practice you can write out how the experience will go. Just like anything, the more planning, the better the results. You can also travel anywhere with lucid dreaming. Want to go to a beach but have no means or money to travel? You can do that. Start by controlling your dreams. Find your lucid state. Imagine the sand, the ocean, the wind in your hair, the warm sun, the hot dry sand, then walk to the ocean. You can go anywhere you would like. This is a great practice to try. The more you practice the better you can get. You can then take this practice and combine it with a daily meditation routine. See how lucid dreaming changes your meditation practice for the better over time.      You can meet anyone, real or fiction. You can meet your favorite celebrity or fictional book character. They may not be the real version, but it is still an interesting practice. You can imagine yourself with your favorite character exploring a remote island or hiking a mountain. Listen to what they have to say. Maybe, your subconscious will speak to you through their voice. Anything at all you can imagine can be done.

Benefits of Lucid Dreaming

Lucid Dreaming comes with many benefits. Many more benefits than negative side effects.

It encourages healthy sleeping habits. If you are going to lucid dream it is best to create good sleeping habits. Sleep is controlled by your bodies Melatonin. Your body produces most of it at night. Therefore it is best for you to go to sleep between 8p and 12a nightly. Try to rise with the sun in the morning and sleep after it sets or a few hours after it sets.

Lucid Dreaming lets you grow and face your fears. As mentioned earlier you can tackle your fears and phobias with this practice. You can grow to become fearless in the natural world.

It helps you understand your subconscious mind. With Lucid Dreaming you can better understand your mind. You can use this practice to bring benefits to your meditation routines. It will make your more aware and conscious in your every day activities.

Lucid Dreaming helps you to train and practice skills during your sleep. You can utilize this technique to practice other skills. Practice a form of martial arts, meditation, a dance routine, a musical instrument, speaking calmly to an estranged family member. You can practice any skill that you are trying to improve.

Lucid dreams can expand your conscious boundaries.

Side Effects of Lucid Dreaming

I have only come across one side effect of lucid dreaming. The side effect of not knowing when you are dreaming and when you are awake. This would surely be a terrible side effect. Though, many at some point in their life have felt a small taste of this. They have felt they are living in a dream or living in a movie. Just like any illness, mental disorder, or problem; This is an opportunity to strengthen and find growth. This side effect of not knowing when you are awake is a sign of mental illness and should be treated by medical professionals.

Dream Journals

A dream journal is essential when starting out your Lucid Dreaming journey. You may think that you never or rarely have dreams, but everyone has dreams. It is estimated that every single person dreams for at least two hours per night. Any notebook can be your dream journal. You can even use some printer paper. Obviously, the more organized you can keep your journal habits the better. The true important part writing in a dream journal will be consistency and routine/habit writing. Write down what you remember from your dreams when you wake up each morning.. If you don’t remember anything then write the date and that you do not remember anything from your dreams. This will help you create the habit of writing every morning you wake up. The quicker you can journal the better. If you wait until after you shower and get ready for the day, you will find you are forgetting bits and pieces if not the whole dream. After a few nights to a few weeks you should start to remember more and more of your dreams.

How to lucid dream

There are many different ways to get to the end result of Lucid Dreaming. I will go over one way that has worked for many.

Set an alarm for 6 hours after you go to sleep. Using a device that can set multiple alarms would be ideal. Let’s say you are going to start sleeping at 10p every night. You will want to start your bedtime routine an hour before this. At 9p go through your nightly steps. Lay in bed, turn off all electronics at least 30 minutes before you think you will fall into a slumber. Make sure your first alarm is set for 4am. You can set your next alarm for whenever you want to rise for the day. You have multiple REM cycles after you sleep. You have a REM(Rapid Eye Movement) cycle once every 2 hours or so. If you set an alarm 6 hours in, you should be in one of your longest REM cycles.

After you wake up 6 hours later you should be very close to a dream thus giving you a higher chance to remember this dream. Get up, get something to drink, and write in your dream journal about your recent dream. Write the date, the time, and as many details as you can remember. You do not need to write in perfect sentences. Especially since you may be tired. You will just want to journal quick notes. So that if you are reading this later, you can recall what you were dreaming of.

Lay back down and think about what it is you want to do in your next dream.

Repeat to yourself a mantra.(a simple sentence you can repeat to yourself to get something to stick into your mind and your subconscious.) Try a simple mantra like “I will be aware in my dreams” and repeat for 3-5 minutes or until you fall asleep. An additional mantra you could try before sleep would be: I will tell myself I am dreaming, while I am dreaming.

You could also try and repeat an action. Such as tensing your hands or rotating your arms until you fall asleep. The goal with this practice would be to try and do this in your dream. Once you do this action in your dream you will have a higher chance of correlating this action with awareness of your dream state.

Additional Tip: You can try listening to a “Lucid Dreaming Music boosting track”. There are many to find online for free. I would recommend listening to it while you are awake during meditation. Then again while you drift to sleep. If you do this enough, you could relate hearing this sound in your dream with when you awake during your meditations. This would bring awareness into your dream and help you realize you are now in a dream state.

For many this doesn’t work on the first night. Like anything it takes practice. If you stick to these practices you should start to show success after a few nights to a few weeks. Especially with avidly keeping a dream journal. Lucid dreaming is easier for some but anyone can achieve lucid dreaming. The importance is routine, routine, routine, and practice, practice, practice. Once anything in your life is a habit, good or bad, it will start shaping your life.

Keeping your dreams stable

Normal dreams are movies. Lucid dreaming is knowing that you are dreaming while you are dreaming.

Excitement usually wakes you up. Once you realize you are dreaming many wake up right away. To keep your lucid dreams stable, remain calm once you realize you are dreaming. Attempt to lay/sit still in your dream. Observe your surroundings and notice your senses. Touch objects, listen to any sounds, and try to use your sense of smell. If the dream becomes unclear, try to rub your hands together or touch your legs. You can also try saying words like, “Calm” “clear” and “stable”. This will help ground you calmly within the dream. Try to do everything slowly while you take in your dream world.

Anyone can start Lucid Dreaming. It all depends on how determined you are to stay consistent when practicing this skill just as with any new skill. It is believed that this skill will help bring you one step closer to understanding your mind and finding true enlightenment.

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