#also it could be a 3 little pigs reference. she’s got lots of wolves in her work

[taylorrepdetective]

Everyone trying to guess what these songs are about. Some probably are obvious, but let’s think on what it would have been like to sit on the Evermore track list for two months before it came out and how wrong we would have been. It’s fun, but what sometimes happens is we get ideas in our heads and then when the reality doesn’t match, we may either deny reality, or get mad about a reality that never existed. So let’s all just have fun with it and I’m personally trying not to get too hung up on things (which includes deep rabbit holes that might actually be donut holes that go nowhere.)

Except Who’s Afraid of the big bad wolf Virginia Woolf Little Old Me? . I went DEEP in that rabbit hole this afternoon. Good times with great play/movie though so totally worth it.

[lost-in-yujikiri]

References of Classic Literatures in SAO

This post are thoughts I have on discord plus discussion with friends. I didn’t intend to publish this publicly but this was so well-received and a friend asked me to do so, so here it is.

Below are the classic works that I think SAO main arcs took many inspirations from:

1) Aincrad arc & Little Red Riding Hood

- Asuna is the Little Red Riding Hood, with Kirito as the brooding hunter who protected her and led her to a happy ending, and Kayaba is the wolf who disguised himself as Asuna's "Grandma" (aka her caretaker).

- Kayaba's nickname is the same name as the central character of Wuthering Heights (Heathcliff), both men created their world of their own obsessions (for OG Heathcliff is his love with Catherine, for Kayaba is his castle dream) and during that creation they ended up destroying a lot of lives, even innocent people involved.

2) Fairy Dance arc & A Midsummer Night’s Dream

- Fairy Dance might take references from A Midsummer Night's Dream with Fairy King & Queen Oberon & Titania, who are a married couple under quarrels (Asuna and Sugou). The Fairy Dance arc also presents the themes of falling in love with the wrong person (Suguha/Leafa’s feelings for her brother/cousin Kazuto/Kirito) and unrequited love (Recon to Leafa, Leafa to Kirito) albeit in a different way than the original story.

3) Phantom Bullet arc & Sonezaki Shinjuu 

- The classic kabuki play Sonezaki Shinjuu (The Love Suicides at Sonezaki) is a story about close acquaintances/families/lovers being tangled in conflicts of opposing sides, with the main couple performing a double suicide ending so they can be husband and wife in afterlife (just like Kyouji & Sinon). In SAO Kyouji tried to force the double suicide on Sinon but it failed.

3) Alicization arc volume 9-14, Eugeo’s story & The Little Prince

- When people see Alicization cast many might think of Alice in Wonderland first. However Eugeo's whole story in Alicization 1st half was most likely inspired from The Little Prince, with Eugeo as the Prince, Kirito as the Prince's wise old buddy and also the story's Narrator, and Zuberg as the Prince's Rose flower in his homeland which he loves so much but was separated from for so long. Only Alice S30 is the Alice in Wonderland, which is why she isn't the one Eugeo looked for.

- Friendship between the Narrator & the Prince is somewhat similar Kirito & Eugeo, in how the Prince is the only one who truly shares the world view of Narrator. In stories of his own journey, the Prince met a lot of adults, each of them showed their greed, selfishness, ugliness in their way, and the Prince's pure heart couldn't understand or withstand most of them. Just like Eugeo's naivety and pure heart can't accept even the littlest unfairness and evils of his world.

- The Prince thought he didn't love his rose in the correct way, and during his journey he knew his rose isn't so special because there are millions of beautiful roses on Earth. But later he learned that it's the time and space that he spent nurturing his rose that made the rose truly special and distinct. Isn't that similar to how Eugeo learned that love is giving, like nurturing flowers continuously?

- However, the Prince agonized then because he was in a place too far from his home and he left his rose for too long that it might have been eaten, like the distance and long pining towards the Alice in Eugeo's past that killed him inside, while his childhood has long gone.

- In The Little Prince's ending, the prince followed a poisonous snake's offer that if he lets it bite him, he would be able to return to his planet with his beloved rose (Quinella's deal, anyone?). The narrator realized what would really happen but couldn't stop the Prince. Before following that offer, the Prince told the Narrator please look at the stars to remember him, if it looks like he has died, it is only because his body is too heavy to take with him to his planet. The next day, the Prince's body couldn't be found and in his later journey, the Narrator ask the readers if any of them have seen the Prince. In Eugeo's story though, instead of creating an ambiguous ending, Reki presented both ends of the Prince's fate literally. Eugeo died in a sacrifice of his choice, and at the same time went into the light with the little Alice in his past (aka the Little Prince's rose).

- Kirito, just like how the Narrator who believed the Prince didn't die, continued to live in his own world of darkness like the time he spent with Eugeo hasn't gone.

4) Alicization volume 13-18, Alice Synthesis 30′s story & Alice in Wonderland

- Alice Synthesis 30, from an empty knight who has no knowledge of the world with a forced Knight identity, was thrown to the unknown in War of Underworld and had to fight off everything and figure her self-identity out on her own, has parallels with Alice in Wonderland. Original Alice fell into a rabbit hole into Wonderland when she followed the White Rabbit, while Alice S30 fell from Floor 85 of the Cathedral when she fought after Kirito, both Alices learned about the mess that is happening in the world they're in after this.

- The original story is more about all kinds of creatures and humans in Wonderland rather than just about Alice herself, while War of Underworld is also more about people participating in the War rather than just about Alice S30.

- Kirito is the cheshire cat who guided her somewhere along the way but left her on her own device at some point. There are pig-lookalike creatures called "Rath" in the original Wonderland story, and in SAO we have RATH company who is monitoring project Alicization as well as the pig-lookalike Orcs in WoU. In many versions of Alice in Wonderland the stories involve a coup d'état towards a tyrant queen, in Alicization we have a Quinella as similar type of ruler whom Alice S30 and her friends fought against.

- At the end of both stories Alices left the mess in their "Wonderland" to get to real world. Though for OG Alice it's getting back to reality, while for Alice S30 she just got thrown to another "Wonderland" where she has even less attachment to as well as being shunned by most other humans without being able to go back to the UW she knows.

5) Kirito’s character arc in Alicization & Yu Boya and Zhong ziqi:

Kirito's character arc in Alicization was inspired by the story of Yu Boya & Zhong Ziqi, whose story has invented the words 知音知己 ("2 souls who understanding each other's tone & self the most") which usually get translated to English as "bosom friends", Chinese usually called them the epitome of friendship/ companionship. In Japan their names are translated as "Haku Ga" & "Shou Shiki".

Full story can be found here:

http://chineseaesop.blogspot.com/2012/09/yu-boya-and-zhong-ziqi-romance-of-guqin.html

Summary: Boya was an accomplished statesman from the Kingdom of Tsin and also an expert musician who played the "qin". One day as he played a musical piece on the river when he sailed to the Kingdom of Chu, he met a woodcutter named Zhong Ziqi, who might be poor but is very knowledgeable about music & what Boya's soul wanted to convey through his music. Being very happy that he could find a partner who can so quickly clicked with him, Boya & Ziqi stayed with each other talking for 3 days. Though Ziqi eventually had to go back to support his parents so they had to part with a promise of seeing each other again. The next year Boya went to find Ziqi, only to hear from Ziqi's father that he had died while trying to both work to support his family & study to catch up to a successful man like Boya. Boya played his last piece of music in front of Ziqi's grave and then destroyed his beloved musical instrument and swore to never play it again, because the life friend who could understand his heart & soul was no longer in this world. He then told Ziqi's father that he would adopt Ziqi's parents and support them like Ziqi did, saying "I was one with Ziqi and he with me. Do not think of me as an outsider."

So Kirito = Boya who are both accomplished in life (battles/social hierarchy), Eugeo = the woodcutter Ziqi who's inexperienced but wise and shared a love of something (swordmanship for Kirito & Eugep/ music for Boya & Zhong Ziqi) with the other man, both died young before they truly accomplished any of life goals. Their deaths devastated their friends, Boya destroyed his own musical instrument and his own musical ability, while for Kirito even though he was right at the chance to wake up from coma, due to the guilt of Eugeo’s death he intended to use his sword to stab himself, but having no sword so he tried to destroy his heart instead.

In the end though Kirito was stopped by a fragment of Eugeo’s soul, who give him the strength to stand back up again.

Personal thoughts:

- I find it interesting that Kirito is very apt for 2 different roles in the Little Red Riding Hood and The Little Prince, more than any roles with other heroines. In Aincrad/Progressive he is the hunter who managed to protect the Riding Hood Asuna from the wolves and in one way or another lead her to her own happy ending. In Alicization he is the best friend to the Prince Eugeo, he wanted to show the Prince the world and lead him to happiness too, but ended up having to watch his Prince walking to his own death.

- Mother's Rosario is treated as a side story in the original Web Novel and not a full-blown arc, so it doesn't have classic references. But Reki said in an interview along with the author of yuri manga/anime Bloom Into You that it's the most yuri-esque story he has ever written (despite not being technically yuri).

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #384

“watch your tongue or have it cut from your head”

Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? Sometimes. Depends on my mood and the person. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Idr. What’s your favorite television commercial? I don't watch TV enough at all to have one. And who has a favorite commercial, anyway? Do you trip a lot? I don't really trip a lot, but kinda fumble over my footing and stray a bit. I'm horrible at walking straight, and it's gotten worse as my legs have. How old is your television? The one in the living room is god knows how old. My parents were still together when they bought it. When did you last talk on the phone with someone? A couple days ago for my appointment with my psychiatrist. Are you currently sleepy? I'm quite convinced I'm permanently tired. Are you hot or cold natured? I am ALWAYS fucking hot, ugh. Do you take any advanced classes? I took mostly Honors classes in school. Do you have weak upper body strength? My body is just weak as a whole. What is the worst insult someone can call you? Emotionally weak. Are you good at sketching? If we're talking meerkats, haha. They're the only complex thing that I can freehand no problem without needing a reference, honestly. Ever play Angry Birds? Nah. I thought the movie was cute, though. Have you ever been to the zoo before? Yeah. Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? No. Are you afraid someone might steal your identity someday? It's not something I actively worry about at all. Like, you don't want my identity, I promise. Do you have any talents that come naturally? Growing up, adults always told me I was a "gifted" artist and writer. Also that I seem to have an unnaturally strong connection with animals. I've always been that person where a pet's owner is like "omg ____ never lets people do that" and whatnot. Have you ever had plastic surgery before? I haven't. It's funny though, how opposed to it I used to be... Like goddamn, I was such a fucking stupid and honestly judgmental teenager, regarding many things. I look back on her and cringe. Like damn dude, if you have a safe surgical procedure to help you enjoy the body you're stuck with the rest of your life, you go for it, boo. Are you afraid of airplane rides? Not really. What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve gotten? There was this one year where Jason had to go to work on Valentine's Day and I was super bummed, yet he still surprised me with a heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses, and a game I really wanted, Heavy Rain. I thought it was the sweetest. What is something you lose often? My phone. ;-; Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? I don't enter any. Do you consider yourself physically active? *chuckles nervously* Do you have Netflix? Yeah. Favorite salad dressing? That Olive Garden replica you can buy at the store. Do you enjoy dancing? Once upon a time I did. My body could never handle it now. Have you ever considered writing a novel? Many times. Snow or sand? Snow, by twenty thousand miles. It is VERY hard for me to walk through sand, and I also hate hate hate hate HATE the sensation. Do you like sour candy? Heeeeeell yeah man. Have you gotten any injuries lately? If so, what & how? Nothing notable. Are you a clumsy person? Like you would not fucking believe. Last male you talked to in person? I think my primary physician's nurse. Are you thinking about asking anyone out? No. Pink lemonade or regular lemonade? Pink lemonade, for sure. But I love both. Chocolate or strawberry milk? CHOCOLATE. Strawberry milk is disgusting. Have you ever won a contest on the radio?No. Is there a song that reminds you of your best friend? There's quite a few. Has a book ever made you cry? Yes. Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? Yes, for the time. Do you know anyone who has a pet bunny? Not that I'm aware. What store or website would you most like a gift card for? Rebel's Market. How do you feel about wolves? I adore wolves. Beautiful, majestic creatures with very interesting social dynamics. Name your top 3 favorite musical instruments. Electric guitar, violin, piano. What was the last book(s) you bought at a bookstore? At an actual bookstore, I think it was The Fault In Our Stars, which I never actually read. Do you use Pinterest? Yes. Do you know any sign language? No. Do you have a favorite poem? No. Do you have a dog? No. The one we were pretty much stuck with has a home now. Have you ever read The Little House on the Prairie series? I haven't. Have you ever gone on a service trip to an underprivileged country? No. Have you ever performed in front of more than 100 people? Yes, for dance. When (if ever) was the last time you went to church? Forever ago, I don't even remember the last time. What's a quote you think is really powerful? There's a whole lot. The first one that came to mind was, "An eye for an eye will leave the world blind," which I do believe has great depth in it. Have you ever had to do your laundry at a laundromat? Yes. Are you the oldest person who lives in your household? No. My mom is turning 60 (... I think?) this year. If you have tattoos, how long have you had them? I got my first the day I turned 18. Do you and your dad have similar personalities? We're alike in some ways, imo most notably in that we have NO fucking common sense, embarrassing as that is to admit. We're both kinda slow at understanding things, too. What were the last three things you had to drink? Mountain Lightning, milk, and water. What did your family usually do for Easter when you were a kid? Us three kids all got Easter baskets full of stuff, and we'd go egg-hunting when we were all awake. My little sister Nicole would always wake our parents up in excitement, haha. My parents hid plenty throughout the house, and there was always this one "special" egg that was actually from Mom's childhood and was extremely intricate and beautiful. You basically "won" the hunt if you found it, and it was extremely well-hidden. When you have house guests over, where do they sleep? Historically since living here, my two half-sisters and their spouses (the only people who've stayed over) slept in what is *technically* Mom's room, but for whatever reason this woman still insists on sleeping on the couch in the living room, I guess because she's used to it after all the years she didn't have her own room and bed. Are you emotionally stable? LOLOOLOLOOLLOLOOLOOLOLLOOLOLLLLLLLLLLL Do you still talk to the very first person you had sex with? No. Are you an atheist? No. I don't quite know how to define what I am, but since I believe there's SOME higher power, I don't think it's fitting to call me an atheist. What’s the largest bug you’ve ever found in your house? Hm... I'm unsure. Probably a male mosquito, 'cuz them bitches are big'ins. Would it annoy you if a stranger called you "sweetie?" If it was a man, I'd be creeped out. Are you into fashion design? Not really. What’s the worst thing you’ve gone through in the past year? My leg muscles continuing to degrade, honestly. I have to do something about this shit. How did you get your last bruise? I fell when stepping over the stupid dog gate. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? Yikes, no. Would you rather have some bacon or beef jerky? Bacon. Do you like your orange juice with lots or no pulp? NONE. Do you wear skinny jeans? Back when I wore jeans, they were the only kind I wore. What projects are you doing now for school? I'm outta school. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I have no idea. Do you like coconut flavored things? No. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? No, thank god. I know someone who might've almost been, though. I don't know what the fucking pig was going to do to her if my sister and I weren't there. Have you ever wished for bigger boobs? No. Being overweight, I just want smaller ones now, haha. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I've gone many days without it. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four, if you're counting everyone that had the "boyfriend" title. Where were you going the last time you were on a plane? Home from Illinois. Where were you going the last time you were on a train? I've never been on one. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Holy fuck, yes. You would never guess now that I was perfectly healthy in high school especially, yet I still thought I was kinda fat. It hurts so much to look back on. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? I mean not excessively, but Mom was pretty dedicated to keeping the house in decent condition. With three kids though, of course the house was somewhat messy with toys and all. When you shop at IKEA, do you always stop to eat a snack/meal in the cafeteria? ... There's a fucking cafeteria in a furniture store? o_o I've never been there before. How many watches do you own? None, save for one in my "treasure box" from when I was a kid. I was SO SO SO obsessed with Finding Nemo that I kept my broken one. I did the same with my horribly aged sneakers, like the soles were coming off and Mom finally made me stop wearing them, ha. Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? I do fucking nothing and am useless to society. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes, because emergencies happen. I personally think it's best to maybe have your cell phone flipped over on the corner of your desk or something and on vibrate, that way the noise isn't too disruptive and the teacher can see you're not just using it for other purposes. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Sigh, multiple. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? If so, what was the reason? Not recently. How many cups of coffee do you typically drink per day? None. Do you know what your vocal range is? No, but it's not very broad. What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? I haven't been in this position before. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? I wanna say over a month while we were technically homeless. How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? Oh dear, it was rough. Like there were people who had it worse than me, but ya girl was lookin preeeetty rough lmao.

[zephrbabe]

ABO Shipitpod Stream of Consciousness Reaction ;)

OMG @anais-ninja-bitch are you british now?

I forgot what your voice sounds like! <3

lol bullshit biology is my fav. leave reality at the door, yes; full fantasy, no.

“are there tails?” I’ve seen ABO illos where humans kind of looked like cat-people, so uh...

knotting!! *thumbs up emoji*

omggggg anais!! your “mhmmmmmmmm” about knotting!!!

oh noooo you went to dogs right away

ANAIS HOW MANY DOGS HAVE YOU WATCHED FUCKING

thank god you didn’t mention pig dick

oh man, no. there are SO MANY shifter published novels. Wolves, tigers, bears, oh my

yes, thank you for acknowledging ABO worldbuilding isn’t unilateral. 

rut = ponfarr, yes? ;D

“formal peen” PUT A BOWTIE ON IT

y’all’s sex giggling is like hearing teen girls giggling over tiger beat. (pun absolutely intended)

welp, ABO tasertricks is what got me into this fandom, so *shrug*. I wouldn’t even be in this fandom at all if it weren’t for ABO, lol

y’all REALLY went to oral knotting, i’m shocked and proud (also, dildos in ABO need to be more of a thing)

where is this ABO reproduction chart? and why isn’t it in the podcast blurb? i need this for reasons

lol shit is her female Alpha reference my Peggy? 

OH SHIT

“right into it” that is how i fuckin roll *sunglasses emoji*

yAAAA Peggy is 100% Alpha

ah, i wondered where the hyena dick came into this. the females are dominant in their packs, and they use it for shows of dominance!

yeah, sorry Emily, clit-dicks are a thing.

why do you guys keep saying PEEN, hiiiiiiiss

Anais, I had no idea you were specifically into beta!Bucky 

aw, ridiculous world... :( the social implications in world-building is one of my favorite parts!

did you realize you picked a fic written by me, a fic written *for* me, and my top non-sex ABO fic?

funnily enough, i feel like i read fewer and fewer fics with biting.

“pups” is not my favorite jargon in ABO, that’s true. (i’d prefer “kits” for babies, which is hardly better.)

i feel like ABO sex is a vehicle for an admixture of primal sex, fuck or die, soulmates & bonding, and breeding kink. (and then a side of cuddling, nesting, found families)

ah yeah, the seemingly inherent D/s in ABO is a thing i love to subvert! sexually dominant omega!Darcy is my jaaaaaaaaam

“take off work horny” lol yes. (but also, you know modern capitalism would only give heat-havers like 2/3 of the necessary days off, or no days off, or would under-hire heat-havers bc “they won’t be as efficient bc hormones”) (worldbuilding!!!)

(also did you realize the fic of mine you picked, Darcy is not in heat? just reaaaal horny)

“he’s got... baggaagggggge”

the flustered giggled at “too respectful” my god, y’all feeling your hormones

dres’ ABO is always *chef’s kiss*

“it’s a good little taster” steve about darcy, yes? ;)))

NAPS AND NESTS AAAAAAAAAA my fav about this ficlet is that it’s from Bucky’s perspective

i have always wanted to write Alpha-napping in a fic

also best part: she was 0% his omega when he ‘napped her.

oh fuck, y’all awkward giggling over my fic!! *hearteyes* 

(yeaaaaaaah wintershieldshock! *clapping emoji*)

you’re both so flustered!!! my god

put that on my tombstone: IT’S JUST FUCKIN

*blushface emoji*

ohhh y’all Emma’s new ABO fic thoooooooooooo

eee! Whose Line Is It Anyway ref!

aw, ending on a “there’s a lot of fic [you could] call problematic” note

oh, but then bringing in the found family element

Monsterfucking Vol 2: ABO Again ;) that is literally Cap!Wolf

[polinathinkstoomuch-blog]

Day 2/3 - Hallucinations & Realizations

I’m rehashing both days today because I had Tumblr issues (and some dedication to this issues), so I apologize in advance for the length, but you know what, I think the cumulative recap will actually help tie some things together so I'm not really that sorry about it you're welcome.

If you read Day 1, good news, I did resolve to hiking yesterday. Bad news, mistake. Still harboring some insecurities about going out there alone, I walked toward the hiking trail sign and then proceeded to out loud talk myself through it - like cute, bunnies! And where am I going, and I guess this is a trail if I follow the signs and then, completely causally, that’s a coyote. At which point I immediately booked it right back the way I came, looking behind me the entire time to make sure that a DESERT WOLF (spelling is very key here for maximum dramatic effect - a dessert wolf wouldn’t garner nearly as much concern) wasn’t following me. This makes the people I saw night hiking yesterday even crazier. A blind wild mountain pig is one thing - you can probably drop kick it out of your path - but I don’t know what kind of white privilege lets you fuck with coyotes in the dark. I don’t have it. The best part is that everyone else was so nonchalant about it - my mom advised me to just walk behind the other woman hiking; the barista the next day - upon hearing that I saw a coyote - laughed. Like that was the local coyote. Oh Tom, you trouble-maker, when will you learn - that sort of thing. Arizona makes you numb to face-eating wolves apparently.

Instead, I decided to hike the property which is miles upon miles of desert, cactus, prickly tress and walls of khaki and beige. I expected to have a lot of thoughts and emotions hiking, of having the earth unveil itself under your feet - and maybe if I was going up the mountain instead of horizontally - I would have, but I had no thoughts - until about 45 minutes in - at which point I started thinking how do people do 8 miles of this?!?! At two miles in I started hallucinating. Not in the way of seeing bunny rabbits everywhere - although there were rabbits everywhere this is apparently a luxury rabbit farm - but in the way of being completely devoid of anything. It may be the 98 degree heat that literally fogs everything around you to make it seem like time isn’t moving, but also, I think for me particularly, the fact that I’m in a desert. There is something about that land that makes me feel lost; like my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I’m hiking to what I hope is the nearest gas station and not a the hills have eyes community. It was not for me. So I chose not to hike again during this trip, but instead have committed myself to doing something I surprisingly found way more enjoyable - tanning to music and swimming. 

Swimming the first day was interesting because it still brought up some solo guilt. The first time I went into the water it was just me on the right side of the pool, and I enjoyed it some much - more so than I expected since I truly detest the smell and feel of chlorinated water - what I don’t detest is the all over body chill when you glide through the water. When I wanted to go back in after baking in the sun, I noticed a couple in the water and had a moment where I didn’t want to disturb their space - be this object swimming in the parallel lane. That lasted about 3 minutes, but it’s an insecurity that I have in the back of my head - the need to have to explain or apologize for my presence as a “permanently single.” The idea that my body takes up space in an unnatural way. But I slid into that water regardless because I remembered how much I loved it and nothing stops me from reliving the small loves in my life.

On my Day 3 swims (first at the pool then at the spa pool this SPA man, I could move in and live there, more below), I harkened back to a thought I had on Day 2 - which I may have written about and then had promptly deleted in front of my eyes by this website or my laptop or both - that age - for me - is really about sitting into my personality but that doesn’t mean hard headedness to change - but instead a more narrowed focus on what I want my life to look like and who I want to live it as without compromise for expectations. It came from how much easier swimming was today than yesterday’s heavy breathing nonsense, and the difference being focus - of following my hands, watching my palms switch positons, eliminating everything that wasn’t directly in front of me.

Speaking of the spa, man, listen. It was amazing. It was expensive, but it was truly gold. Now I have never had a message before so a full body scrub and hot oil was already going to be a boundary crossing moment for me, but the moment that salt hit my skin and the pressure pushed into my back it was like having everything pushed out of me, without me knowing how much I needed that - even if symbolically. I tend to absorb everything that happens to me - I’m super sensitive sue me; everything good and bad, and just let it sit in my body like a mass and then continue moving with all of it inside me and then just bring it up like leftovers when I can’t find the silence. I call it experience or a reference bank or coping whatever it needs to be for the purpose of explaining it to people, but it’s there, for a lifetime of forgiving but not forgetting and it gets heavy. So to be in a room where everything is designed (both audibly and visually) to remove you from your physical presence there - was such a relief. I felt so clean and warm and comfortable that I felt like I was falling down slowly into a bottomless end - on both the facial and body scrub days. I spent hours HOURS in that spa, reading under the low lights, smelling the incense, listening to the Japanese flutes, drinking crystal water, taking over a cabana, gliding around in mineral enhanced water or whatever they drop into that pool (hopefully not acid), but it’s glorious. And the sheer feeling of being there entirely alone (no exaggeration - I was by myself at the spa pool and the main pool for hours at a time) and feeling settled in my skin to dance, sing along, read a book, swim, all at my own pace and schedule was really freeing and easy.

And that’s how I would describe this entire vacation - easy. It is the easiest vacation I have ever been on. There has been no pressure to do or not do anything. No topics of conversation planned, no responses required, no responsibility for another person’s good time, feelings, thoughts. I was at my own disposal; everything was on my time, when and for how long I wanted to do it and no one made me feel uncomfortable about it and I didn’t feel guilty or obligated back. There were spurts - because phones exist - but for the most part I felt like I didn't have to be accountable to anyone else and that in and of itself was such a break from my everyday life where I don’t want the people I care about to forget. The spa also brought me full confirmation - in the form of an aesthetician - that the natural color of my skin is pale (color you shocked) - so fair, that it reacts to every touch by turning pink. She asked if I blushed when I’m embarrassed. I said I had no idea, I have no shame.

My dad sent me flowers today for my birthday - thanks Dad! Everybody asked who they were from and I’m all my Dad, you know my taste in men, which one of them would have the consideration, the character, the moral and ethical  dedication to reciprocity of treatment, would ever send me flowers - especially to a different state, girl please, it’s my Dad. And that’s fine. At least my Dad means it. I remember when a co-worker of mine and I were sitting in my kitchen trying to warm up after we got flooded out of Lolla and he noticed a card I have on my fridge that says happy birthday. He asked me if it was, and I responded that it was from last year’s flowers - I kept it on the refrigerator to remind myself that my parents love me. He laughed because of course your parents love you. But Billy, it’s the only love I value because it’s the only one I can rely on. My parents - suffocatingly so - love me. Care about my well being and my safety and I’m getting a little emotional even typing this - I can’t say the same about anybody else and this is not meant to be insulting or discount the friendships I have in any way, all of which I truly appreciate and put my energy into reciprocating and rewarding as much as and every chance I get, but people have their own lives - they change, they move, they develop different inner circles, their priorities changes, their partner’s priorities change and they leave first in body then in spirit or vice versa. It’s an unreliable moment - that trap door floor is what keeps me independent - its what keep me focused on relying on myself more than anyone else. Other than my parents. I unabashedly need my parents. I need their presence, and their dumb jokes and their uncomfortable friendship with my dog - and I loved seeing those flowers. I love seeing that card every day, and I worry only about being a person that loses their respect and their presence - but truly not much else. So yes, I like the reminder Billy. It pushes me when people live their own lives around me and despite me. I’m going to try to think of a way to get these flowers on board. I’m thinking Ziploc with water - vase in bag - I don’t know. Stay on your toes TSA.

Ugh, and now I have to go back to work in my aggressively air conditioned cubicle including to people that I have let disrespect me in the past from a place where I respect myself. Annoying. Oh well, at least I’ve removed them from my life - even if not from my eyesight - and that’s a big enough step for now. Thanks AZ.