#also im probably forgetting something but. i do think we may have different tastes LOL but i tried!!

[northern-passage]

my time to shine. tho i tend to read more horror/gothic romances that aren't really cozy like the others you listed, i'll try to give you ones that more fit your vibe. but if you liked dowry of blood i think you'll like these other vampire ones:

An Education in Malice - same author as Dowry, Carmilla retelling

House of Hunger by Alexis Henderson - a new take on the Elizabeth of Bathory legend. this is a horror romance

The Gilda Stories by Jewelle Gomez - a black lesbian feminist classic that follows our mc across centuries. probably the most lighthearted take on vampires but still deals with some heavy subject matter

Night's Edge duology by Liz Kerin - mainly about the mc and her relationship with her mother but there is a sapphic romance subplot

A Long Time Dead by Samara Berger - i haven't read this one or really know much about it but i know it's a lesbian romance

more (no vampires):

The Gilded Crown by Marianne Gordan - dark fantasy with a sapphic romance-ish subplot

The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling - a horror book with another sapphic romance-ish subplot.

(these first two aren't "happy" romances and aren't meant to be read as such and theyre not the main focus of the story; but i like them because they're exactly like you said, they just happen to be lesbians and it's not a huge deal)

everything Sarah Waters has ever written - she writes a variety of historical fiction and i think all of her books have lesbian romance or lesbian "themes" lol. not sure if it fits your vibe but she's a powerhouse in the genre (the handmaiden movie was based on her novel the fingersmith)

The Fall That Saved Us & A Wolf Steps in Blood by Tamara Jeree - Jeree writes really lovely sapphic romances i can't recommend them enough. the first one is an angel/demon romance and the second one is wolf shifter/blood witch romance.

Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant - a mermaid horror book with a large diverse cast and a lesbian romance subplot with the main lead

The Fireborne Blade and The Bloodless Princes by Charlotte Bond - fantasy novellas with a slowburn sapphic romance. i've only read the first one so far so i cant really say how the romance progresses because it's very subtle in the first book 🤔

The Jasmine Throne series by Tasha Suri - on my TBR 😩

The Space Between Worlds series by Micaiah Johnson - also on my TBR..

hopefully there's something here that catches your eye! like i said i tend to read darker stories and i don't read contemporary romance at all 😅 but i'm always hunting for lesbian stories and characters in the books i read. also i always recommend checking tws on these too, some of them do explore heavier themes along with the romances.

otherwise here's a big rec list with a bit more variety from The Lesbrary!

Recommendations needed

Okay, I'm coming to you guys for this now because I am going out of my mind. I cannot, for the life of me, find good novels with a f/f romantic lead plot. Do they not exist? I've been reading what I can find but I am not enjoying them. It's to the point where I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me. So, I'm coming to all of you. I do not want YA. I get a little icked reading novels about girls my daughter's age. I prefer fantasy but will branch out into other genera's. I'm looking for something that is not a coming of age or a discovering the characters are gay. I just want two leads that are living their life and also happen to be lesbians. I cannot seem to find a story of women falling in love without it being politicized or demonized by either them or other characters in the book.

I've read The Priory of the Orange Tree (romance was decent but I felt most of the story dragged)

I've read You Can't Spell Tea Without Treason (the romance felt one dimensional)

I've read The Stars Too Fondly (the characters were all way too immature for being individuals with their doctorates)

Even Though I Knew The End (It felt like it was written as a hetero relationship that they just switched the pronouns to female in the editing phase)

Legends and Latte's and Bookshops and Bonedust ( I loved this one. Peek cozy fiction. Believable romance)

Noteworthy read is a Dowry of Blood but that was more poly than lesbian and there was a male involved.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I once saw something(can’t remember if it was from this acc or not) talking about how bi woman have a different attraction to men than straight women? Or we view them differently. I can’t really remember. But I feel like that may be true cause I personally see myself having relationships with men out of the norm I guess? Although maybe that’s bc Im not in the gender binary and idk yet. Sorry if this was all over the place. Have you heard anything like that? I can’t really explain it well

Hi this is the most recent anon about bi woman’s relationships w/ men. I actually found it and it was a post talking about how we approach relationships with men differently than straight woman and how we’re not “bihets”. Could you maybe expand on that- the approaching relationships differently part

Hello,

yes, I can imagine that I have mentioned something like that on this blog, too. Sounds like something I would say lol

I think the answer here is twofold.

regarding “approaching relationships differently than straight women”:

this is obviously a generalisation and it might not be true for all bi women (and other bi people) but bisexuals are more likely to be aware of social injustices compared to cisgender straight people because of the experiences we made through being queer, we are also more likely to question or downright oppose heteronormative gender roles/expectations, we are probably also more likely to have non-normative sex even if we have a vagina and our partner has a penis because we know there’s more ways to have sex than just putting a dick in a vag.

And also let’s not forget that bisexuals (and other mspec people) always run the risk of being rejected because of our sexuality. That’s something that we share with asexuals btw but monosexual people hardly have to worry about that. A straight woman won’t be rejected by a straight man because she is heterosexual. But a bi woman may be rejected by a straight man or by a lesbian. That means, in order to protect ourselves, we have to come out to each and every potential new partner. Or we stay in the closet and jeopardise our mental health. So, being bi adds a layer of vulnerability to dating that straight women won’t have to worry about.

the other part of the answer is regarding bi women having a “different attraction to men than straight women”:

a lot of bi women I know (myself included) always felt alienated by the way straight women talk about men. Personally, I never really felt like I could talk to my straight friends about which guys (irl or celebrity crushes) I liked because a) my taste in men deviates from the norm and b) there was just always something about the way they fell into conservative gender roles when talking about men that put me off.

Since I have gained some distance from my youth (god, I’m old) to be able to reflect on those experiences, I gotta say… I always had a queer attraction to men. and I always wanted men to like me in a queer way. which is why I still relate more to gay men than to straight women in some way. for a long time (in my late teens) I had fantasies about m/m sex, not necessarily bc I find two men hot together (I do), but because I wanted to be one of them. I didn’t know I could be with men in a queer way while being a woman so I thought the only way I could “be gay” with a man was if I imagined myself as a man. And it was always only in those sexual fantasies and I never had any desire to be a man outside of that so I never really questioned my gender. It took a long time for me to realise that my attraction to and love for men is inherently queer because I am queer. Bi women do look at men through different eyes than straight women.

I don’t know how much of my personal experience and my attractions was also shaped by me being kinky but I’ve talked to other bi women who had similar thoughts and experiences so it seems to be a recurring theme. Coming to think of it… it’s possible all those bi women I talked about are also kinky lol

I can only imagine that things are getting even more hard to decipher when you’re non-binary or binary trans. I hope I could shed some light. Feel free to send in another question if you need.

Maddie

[space-lions-and-imagines]

A Very Merry Voltron Valentine’s ft. Pidge

Alternate title: Lance is a little instigating shit and pidge is a huge sappy nerd

A/N this was done with literally no editing or beta so mistakes be damned! Take my trash and do what you will with it lol

~1900 words

“There is no capitalism in space Lance,” Pidge said with a roll of her eyes as she tried to find the perfect ratio of alien ingredients to make the brown sludge in her cup taste like coffee. “And even if we were on Earth I would still try to fight the good fight against corporate schemes that disguise themselves as holidays. Its evil to try and trademark love,” she said pushing herself onto the counter and taking a long sip. Still terrible but if it was giving her at least some sort of buzz so worth it for the time being.

Nothing, however, was worth seeing that horrible ‘I know something you don’t know’ look that Lance wore so proudly. Pidge frowned, tapping her fingers against the ceramic mug trying her hardest to not ask. Asking would mean giving in and admitting she was curious in whatever gossip he had. Even if she was dying to know why he even brought up the subject of Valentine’s Day she didn’t want to feed into his teenage soap opera ways. Lucky for her though he wasn’t very good at keeping things to himself.

“That is very noble. I’m sure you must have been very popular amongst all your tech nerd buddies who also never had dates. But things are different now pidge! You do have a date and maybe they don’t share the same fight the system inclinations you do,” Lance said with what he must have thought was a very casual wave of his hand as he leaned on the counter opposite Pidge “But if you don’t care that s/o got you something well then that’s none of my business,” he continued looking down to pick at his nails.

Pidge’s first thought was that with the right forward momentum she could easily knock Lance to the floor and force him to tell everything he knew about the gift. Of course that’s probably what he wanted judging by his eyebrows lost somewhere in his hairline and toothy smile. So instead she cleared her throat and said “I have to go. Right now. Immediately. And you still can’t pressure me into this …. No matter what may happen in the future know that you had nothing to do with it!” as she ran out of the kitchen.

Pidge’s time off was supposed to be spent working on some personal projects, mostly working on some of her language courses before the castle started beeping at her and projecting holographic reminders in her room. Now she was desperately trying to figure out exactly what romance was even supposed to be. She had visions of hearts and fat babies with bows dancing around her head as she tried to remember what Valentines was like back home. She groaned, pulling at her hair and slumping onto her bed. “Sure Pidge you’re suuuuuuch a genius. Alien tech, no problem. Giant lion weapon system, no problem. Get your date mate a nice present and suddenly I’m as intelligent as a snail. Ugh no … that’s an insult to snails!” she mumbled grabbing a pillow to scream into.

She did nothing but simmer like that for a long time, the wheels turning and turning in her head to the point she was sure there was smoke coming out of her ears. Then suddenly she sat up right, the fire moving from her brain to her eyes. “I’ve been looking at this all wrong. I can’t figure this out the way Lance would. I have to solve it my way. Besides my way is going to end up being much more efficient and not only help myself but all other romantically troubled people to come!” she announced to her audience of scattered tools and crushed energy drink cans before setting to her new task: finding the scientific solution to the perfect Valentine’s Day.

It was at best a show of her dedication to s/o but at its worst, and somewhere a little closer to the truth, it looked like a conspiracy theorist wall. Pictures and words taped to the wall with multicolored string creating a makeshift obstacle course. Several people had tried to come check on her only to look at the mess, decide it wasn't their problem and walk right back out. Even s/o had been warned about Pidge’s strange project and hadn’t been around except to leave snacks and the occasional ‘remember to drink lots of water!’ note. At long, long last though she was certain that she had the key. A fool proof plan she had gotten all of the details perfected at three o’clock in the morning.

Well almost perfect, she had neglected one detail in her pursuit of scientifically backed romance; she had absolutely no idea where to get any of it. They were currently trying to lay low which meant there was no guarantee of the next time they would be going off ship. The only option she had was to work with what was around the castle … it was going to be a long day.

~*~

Pidge had looked rough before, forgetting to sleep for a couple days could do that but it was nothing compared to how she looked and felt now. It seemed like it was just disaster after another, she tried to not think of it as a metaphor for her life. First it was the flowers, a classic and what she assumed would be the easiest considering Allura had a greenhouse tucked away in the upper stories of the castle. Pidge had found the most appealing colors and shapes, trying to match those she knew from Earth, to create the ultimate bouquet. It was going great until she broke into a rainbow of rashes in some equally as colorful places on her body. That dream was quickly squashed.

Pidge thought that at least she could have a nice dinner and some chocolates to give to s/o, Hunk was a sap for that mushy kind of stuff. Heck he had been making everything heart shaped for month in preparation for the big day! Yet Pidge had all but been laughed out when she brought her requested menu. “Dude I would love to help you and I can do what I can buuuuut this is not Earth. I don’t have anything that’s even close to, what was it you wanted steak? Really, steak? And truffles? Oh man I wish I had access to some chocolate! It’s a nice thought but the best I can do is like a trio of space goo,” Hunk said before Pidge kicked that damned goo machine and left.

The rest of her tasks when just about the same. The closest thing to a stuffed animal she found was the training robots. The shiniest thing she could find to try and make jewelry was scraps of galra tech which just seemed ominous. She had managed to blow up something resembling a balloon but discovered whatever gas she used was very unstable finally leaving her empty handed and half an eyebrow short.

She trudged back to her room late into the night, worse for the ware and completely down in spirits. “This is what I get for turning my back on my morals, karma apparently works over time in space,” she snorted as she belly flopped onto the bed wondering if she suffocated in the sheets if she would be allowed out of the Valentine’s celebrations that she was sure Lance had planned for later the next day. She was perfectly willing to wallow in her own sadness until she was dragged out to see what amazing thing s/o had gotten her when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Her heart fluttered, knowing who it had to be but almost hoping that it wasn’t. The soft footsteps could only belong to one person and despite the fact nothing was going right Pidge was happy to hear them. After all the trouble and disappointment they were the only person she could think of that she would want to be around. Even if she had nothing to give in return. “Hey there stranger, I didn’t realize we had someone new living in the castle. I have heard a ghost has been roaming as of late though,” they teased as they sat on the edge of the bed with legs crisscrossed. “I did try ghost hunting but haven’t had much luck …. Ya know I missed you Pidge,” they added with quiet sincerity.

It wasn’t posed as a question or even with the air of sad guilt for which Pidge was eternally grateful. It was something she appreciated with their relationship; there was never any need to explain her weird habits until she was ready to talk. “Im a weirdo who doesn’t deserve your patience but I will selfishly accept it,” Pidge said slumping and twisting around until her head was resting in their lap, her arms hugging their waist. “But good news is ghostbusters have stopped by and eliminated all ghosts. I’m back to being my usual annoying goblin of a person,” she said grinning up at them.

“Mmm you are definitely more of a troll but whatever you decide to be, as long as you’re mine again, I’m happy~” they cooed down at her, rubbing her arm and bending down to kiss the top of her head. Pidge gave a content sigh and wanted to bury herself in this moment, get lost in the warmth and serenity of being reunited with them. “Aaaaaaan because you’re mine I kinda got you something. Lance has been on my case about Valentine’s Day, which I personally think is a sort of emotional cop out but I couldn’t resist a chance at arts and crafts,” they grinned, gently scooching Pidge over to reach for something in their pocket.

Pidge expected to be a nervous wreck, feeling so low that she would want to puke but she instead found herself actually anxious to see what it was. The earlier disdain of not being able to make a perfect gift a shadow in the back of her mind, almost laughable in that moment. She held out her hand to accept what she now saw was a card, pushing herself up to get a better view of what it said. On the front there was a cartoonish picture of a galaxy, stars and planets dotting the shimmery blue paper, and bubble letters that read ‘Are you stuck in space Valentine?’ then opened up to a very crude sketch of what was undeniably a butt surrounded by all capital letters in harsh red print ‘BECAUSE THAT ASS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD.’

There was silence for a minute, while s/o sat biting their lip, opening their mouth stuttering about how they weren’t a great artist and that she didn’t have to like it she just thought the joke was funny but they could totally forget the whole thing. Only shutting up when Pidge crashed her lips against their own, laughing into the kiss so hard they seemed to be vibrating against each other, tears wetting their cheeks before they pulled away gasping for air while the last fit of giggles left their systems.

“This is perfect. You’re perfect,” Pidge said, arms wrapped around s/o’s neck with her forehead resting against theirs. They giggled again and kissed the tip of her nose “Only cause I have someone to be perfect for,” they replied with another smile which Pidge happily returned. Again she didn’t deserve someone this amazing but she wouldn’t want anything else.

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[soulcrowvi]

40 questions because why not.

1.do you prefer to shower when you wake up or before you go to sleep?. Can I have both? I like to shower in the morning because I can clean off any  sweat I may have produced when I slept and it also helps me start my day. Before bed helps me unwind and clean off the germs of the day… but I may sweat in the middle of the night… hmmmmm I guess morning showers LOL 

2. does it bother you to sleep with the lights on. Yes, I really cant sleep with any type of light in the room. I always find myself waking up if I see light.

3. cigarettes, marijuana, or neither? Neither fam.  

4. beer, liquor, or neither? Liquor, I hate the taste of beer 5. what is the biggest impact you hope to make throughout your lifetime?  Probably being able to help someone with their journey get through the darkness of mental diseases. This is a part of the reason why i want to go into the field of psychiatry.  

6. what’s your favourite movie genres.  Uhhh, romantic comedies, animation, horror, fantasy, and anime (if that’s a thing) 7. puns or dirty jokes? Dirty jokes boiiiii. My pun game needs work 8. bubble bath, bath bomb, or bath salts. Probably bubble bath. I haven’t tried the other two. 9. you wake up to find you’ve traded places with a celebrity – who is it? Hmmm I don’t pay too much attention to many celebrities lives so I cant really answer 10. you wake up to find you’ve traded places with a fictional character – who is it? Probably Monkey D. Luffy from one piece. Hes always carefree, does what he wants, eats all day, goes on these dope adventures with his crew and will beat someone’s ass if they step to him wrong. I wouldn’t mind living a life like that for a day or two. Although Zoro is my favorite character I prefer luffys lifestyle a little more.

11. what are you wearing? A grey shirt and blue joggers? WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HUH? 12. what is your earliest memory?. Crawling on my mom’s bed and she picking me up with a big smile while making  some kind of going up sound. I know I was a baby because even to this day she does that when she plays with other small children.   13. moon or stars? Stars because I like to lay down and count them. Also having sex under the stars is on my bucket list LOLOL 14. sunrise or sunset?. Sunrise.  I love the crisp air and quiet atmosphere of everything being asleep.  During times like that it feels the world is at a stand-still and I can take a second and breathe maybe even go for a jog. Oh and you cant forget the colors of the sky: they so purrrrdy . 15. what’s the best present you’ve ever received? The gift of life boiiiiii. Nah but for a material gift, I hate to say this but, probably a hand written piece of poetry my ex gave me. It a cheesy love poem that made my heart flutter at time. no one has ever done something that for me before so it was something special.  I haven’t looked at it in years and don’t plan on doing it any time soon. That bridge was burned  many years ago cuz fuck my ex lmaooo 

16. what’s your favourite scent? Vanilla or lavender. I use to use candles with those scents as a way to calm myself during a time of depression. In a sense, I associate them both with calmness 17. what do you think about when you need to be in a calm state of mind?  Thinking of myself as a flowing river. This concept came to me after witnessing a small stream on street carry away a twig during the rain. The way I saw it was that twig representing a problem of any sort and the water being my conscious. Basically my conscious developed the habit of analyzing the given problem and determines if it needs to be addressed now, later, or not even be addressed at all. It’s a way I practice mindfulness lol 18. what do you think about when you need motivation? “I know I can fucking do this, so let me stop being a bum and do it” sounds a little harsh but that’s how I get myself moving lmaoo

19. list 5 things you like most about yourself.

My personality

The melanin in ma skin

Dance abilities

Being able to push through most of my anxiety and depression

Kinky af 20. do you have many friends or do you prefer to keep a close circle? I have a small circle of true friends mostly because I dread small talk with new people because ive never been too interested in it with strangers and you know small talk is the best way to start friendships soooooo. I can say this though I have a large number of acquaintances and I probably wouldn’t mind building deeper friendships with them. 21. if you had the chance to be immortal exactly as you are now, would you take that opportunity? Although it’s a tempting offer, im going to say nah to immortality.  Sure, it would be nice to witness how the rest of history will unfold and being able to live forever but it comes at a high cost. The cost being that youll out live everything and everyone you love and cherish. Plus there will come a time when everything ends and you’ll be the only one left, wandering endlessly in the hallowed shell of what you once called home…. That got dark LOL #PessimismOnFleek

22. what do you think of when you wake up? I think of three things in this order:

“….need food”

“I wonder how kn is doing”

“what the fuck do I need to do today?”

23. what’s your favourite word? Breathe. This word helps me calm and recollect myself in time of anxiety and also allows me to take a second and appreciate life.   24. if you could change your name, what would you change it to? I would keep my name the same, I love it actually lmaooo

25. what would your name be if you were the opposite/another gender?  I asked my mom about this before and apparently I would have been a Diana lmaooo 26. turn ons? I have turn ons for both physical and personality

Physical: freckles or small moles on the face. Glasses (bring yo blind ass here girlll) a nice warm smile, long hair although I don’t mind short hair. Ticklish. Has a nice style

Personality: Really kindhearted, loves animals, willing to sit down and talk about finding a solution to our problem if we fight, motivated by a dream,  passionate about her craft or hobby, doesn’t mind carrying the convo at times, is comfortable with silence at times. Knowledgeable about things she finds interesting, does little things for me like buying me my favorite snack as a surprise for when she sees me.  Is comfortable with my level of kinkiness and sexual expression through words. Keeps up with and feeds off my dark, sexual, awkward humor. Not afraid to speak her mind.

27. turn offs? A girl that tries to have “the best of both worlds” basically flirting with multiple dudes at once. Has a history of cheating.  Completely selfish(only concerned with what I can offer her and no “what can I do for them”). The “im fine” text when we both KNOW something is wrong. Goes ghost out of nowhere. Liars. thinks relationships are temporary  and not looking for something long term (I hate wasting time). Treating other people like shit, fake (talks shit about someone then next thing you know they’re the best of  friends) entertains other dudes KNOWING damn well they have a thing for her.  Says “My feelings changed” (three words I despise)

28. kinks? Bondage, neck bites, ear nibbles, lip biting while kissing, biting any part of my body really lmao.(those three areas will rev me up real quick ) letting me pull her hair, licking/ kissing random spots on her body. heaving breathing….lots of it pls. dark colored knee socks/thigh highs if she wears those.. LAWDDDDD *nose bleed*(this could be a slight fetish).  Lap dances and strip teases (both combined as well)   29. what’s your “type”? Uhhh, never really had to think about it until now but glasses, long hair, older, the “social butterfly that’s lowkey and introvert” woke, wants to help me grow, supportive, caring will call me out on my shit, intelligent, high ass gpa (why is that relevant? Idk )

30. give a piece of advice. Everything happens for a reason. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, certain things occur in your life as a way to prepare you for the future, teach you something about yourself, or aid in your growth. You just have to stop and look at the positive in the situation. 31. do you fear death? Nah, but I do want to live my live to the fullest and live to be at least 96.   32. do you believe there is anything that exists after death? Ive juggled the idea around in my head and, similar to the person I snagged this questionnaire from, I definitely  love the idea of reuniting with lost loved ones in some kind of after live. I also like to believe reincarnation is a thing only because it would be dope to die and come back as a giant octopus lmaoooo, but seriously the idea of coming back to life as a different creature is fascinating 33. what expectations do you set for yourself? do you live up to them? Honesty, trying my best at whatever I do, always stay true to myself,  not being pressured ny others. I think I live up to these pretty well but recently ive decided to stop being passive of things that bother me so I guess im still working on that 34. are you a good friend? would you want to be friends with the type of friend that you are? I think im a pretty good friend. Im always down to listen and support my friends with whatever their endeavors may be. Im very chill, understanding, and mature so you don’t have to worry about me  creating drama of any sort. Yeah I would befriend myself if possible 35. dinosaurs or space? Dinosaurs because I’ve always found archaeology to be interesting and I actually love learning about history. I loved T-rexes ever since the first Jurassic park  film I saw. 36. do you believe in aliens?  If we as a species could evolve from particles who’s to say creatures on a distant planet couldn’t do the same? So I guess you could say I don’t deny the existence of them. 37. do you believe in ghosts? Not really but you’ll never catch me messing with an oujia board or casually exploring a proclaimed haunted house. Aint nobody got time for that (similar to the previous question I don’t deny their existence) 38. describe your style? Uses a LOT of dark colors. Its very simple and classy but nothing over the top. I love to wear beaded bracelets because I like fidgeting with them when im bored or anxious. Oh I like flannels as well. Idk if that paints a decent picture lmao 39. send me your name, I’ll post what I think your aesthetic would be. Bish whet? 40. post a photo of yourself? Look at my tumblr default lmao

[survivor-switzerland]

EPISODE 5: BACKSTABBING ME BEHIND MY BACK - ABEL

ok so if we lose this next immunity challenge i kinda want brett out. he's a huge fucking threat that needs to go. i don't trust anyone enough on this tribe to make that move happen but im also pretty sure he has an idol because of the tasks challenge. i know that someone on that tribe has an idol so. guess we'll see.

max needs to go. he's rubbing me the wrong way and tried to tell me i didn't need to study for my exams and implied i can do the challenge? bitch don't fucking tell me what i can and can't do. i sure as hell CAN and WILL vote your ass out.

Yeah so Trent goes with 5 votes for him and 3 votes for (QUEEN) Renee..

I'm happy that the OG Monte Rosa members did not lose a number during the tribal and now Luke comes in to the Monte Rosa. Putting back the OG tribe ratio back to 4v4.

I wanna know how these last two votes went so bad! Both of them had been 5 - 3. I wanna know who got C'iere out because I wanted to work with him SO bad! And there's this vote where it was 5 - 3 again... What a time to not have a third eye or whatever.

Anyway I've been bonding with Ashley Sarah and before the vote she told me that Logan is friends with Daisy and stuff. Hmm Logan is becoming a bit dangerous for my taste, I'm still weary on that alliance that Tyler suspects of Logan, Nick and Dom. I need to continue spreading my network of information because if that tight alliance of three is legit they're dangerous!! But I'm gonna continue and be the friendly person I am because that is the foundation of my mad social skillz!!

This current tribe is the purrfect (oops) time to solidify something with Ash and Brett! Me and Tyler need to rally our own army if we're going to go against Nick and Logan's.

Now in my previous confessional I mentioned how I wanted to work with Zack, but now... I kinda don't wanna?? Idk after composing myself a little I feel frightened by him plus he turned his status on skype to "away" just because I talk to much? asdfghjk buddy if you wanna stop talking then come up with a lie, jeez that's what I would do. So right now I've just been quiet today since I've gotten self-conscious lol.

So we're doing a music video and I'm quite excited on how this turn out. The song were doing is something from Eurovision which I don't know what that is but I just went along because I've got nothing better to suggest, unless if this tribe was packed with otaku's I'd probably go at it. One last note, I'm going to the beach for 4 days tomorrow so wohoo for me!!

Ciao!

I'm now on the Monte Rosa tribe! Since coming back from Exile Island a few people have asked me "what happened" which is code for "did you find an idol?" and like...I don't think these people realise that the idol clues are literally relevant to the challenges HOW am I supposed to have gotten an idol when I couldn't do the challenge on Exile. It makes me laugh that these people apparently don't realise that but oh well. This tribe is pretty cool, I feel well connected so hopefully it goes well for me. Daisy spilled her guts to me about how Logan betrayed her at the last vote and lied to her so I know I have Daisy in my pocket again. Logan and Nick are obviously working together but Logan would more than likely choose me over Nick so I'm cool with that. Renee doesn't really speak to anybody but I know that Zack would expect me to look out for her so I'm going to do that as best as I can. Zack and Renee will be trouble if they meet up again so it might be time to take Renee out sooner so I'm conflicted about what to do. I'm Abel's only friend so THAT'S fun, he trusts me a lot. Benjamin and Lily are from OG Monte Rosa but I think they'd work with me if push came to shove.

My Tatzelwurm and I are doing well, we love that we got a round to sit and do nothing but I need to survive 2 more rounds until it can hatch and help me win this game.

The dreaded music video comp ugh how I feel right about now

I'm super nervous about this tribal. I feel like there's another swap coming up after this round or the next one. I need to start talking to people more but like I have a gut feeling that people are going to want me out. If anything they should want out Tyler for not doing... anything.

ok so i talked to zack and he doesn't have an idol. or so he says. it'd be stupid to not tell me because im literally trying to save him. but i know that i need to keep my mouth shut because this is literally the same situation that happened last time. i really want to work with zack and jev but at the same time, I'm here to win. I'm trying to beat my old placement. God i hope we just fucking win this immunity challenge.

whew... I really hope our music video wins? I'm not entirely too confident in my position in the game at the moment, even if I do have some loyal allies. And plus, this kinda scenario was what killed me in Solomon, so I don't wanna deal with the same scenario again, but just slightly further into the game.

Here's what i was venting about sorry.

so Ashley sarah and I may flip to jev and zack

at least making it 4-4

but what might also happen is I might try to get the 6 monte rosa to split 3 and 3

by planting a seed of doubt by telling them zack or jev has an idol

or at least telling them that I think they do and by being safe by splitted 3-3

Ashley sarah and I would vote opposite ways

so for example

me brett and ian vote for jev

ashleysarah max and tyler vote for zack

But Ashley sarah and I don't actually vote for either of them, instead we vote for Max/Brett making the vote 4-2-2

but that would take a lot of work and convincing

Thank GOD we won that immunity challenge because I feel like I'd have been in trouble had we not won, so thank you Monte-Rosa for serving Valentina teas with your lip sync!!

I

am

so

tired

of

Daisy's fake ass pretending to talk game to me when she throws me under the bus to everyone here. Our conversations go nowhere bc she talks in circles and won't ever be straight up. Also her handwriting is ugly. Flop ass flop.

Ugh! This game man. I just can't wait until it's all done and I never have to talk to these people again!

Ok, so Abel, Renee, Logan, Ben, and myself blindsided Trent last round... I am really glad it worked because it hopefully means that we should have a majority going into this round. Immunity is this ugly ass music video challenge... so I record me doing the entire fucking excruciating lipsync and then Logan forgets to edit me in the video :( I am not gunna hold it against him because he def put a ton of work into editing but I was really made. Since I lied to Daisy and Lily last round I had to mend some bridges this round. I try and tell Daisy that Logan and I were looking out for her because it was either Trent or her. Also I really want to have those bonds, especially with Lily down the road... you never want somebody in the game who will never work with you. So we lose immunity AGAIN and end our asses back at tribal council :/ I think this should be a fairly simple vote because we can just vote out Daisy for being a crazy ass messy player who legit throws names out the wazoo whenever we lose an immunity competition. However, I have this sneaking feeling that somebody might be trying to pull a blindside TM tonight, maybe Luke? I just hope im not the target of get blindsided... I think i have been playing a very lowkey game upto now, not the traditional crazy antics of my other ORGs, sure I have generally good connections with all my tribe mates, but I dont think thats enough to land my torch in the snuffer for a couple of rounds. I think this game has bigger fish to fry before I get served with a side of tartar sauce.

The time is here. I finally get to face Daisy in the face. The one who's been backstabbing me behind my back. This ends tonight. With hopefully...her blood...on these hands.

Honestly I'm probably going home but if I don't I need to CHILL OUT. Too many people are coming to me for plans with votes and I'm not here for it. I don't want to be seen as someone calling the shots, regardless if I am or not.

WHEW I WAS LOOKING AT THE WIKI AND ORIGINAL MATTERHORN IS TRULY IN SOME HOT WATER. 4 of us have already gone home and tonight it's looking like a 5th may be leaving so AHHHHHHHHH I brought it up to Renee and she was shook so. Whew.

I've been approached with two different plans tonight. One plan is to vote out Daisy and the other is to vote out Abel. I think I'm leaning more toward where the numbers are tonight and voting out Daisy. It's great for my game because people think she has the advantage (teehee) and she's also paranoid and doesn't trust me 100% so.

I'm predicting the vote tonight to be:

Abel - Lily, Daisy

Daisy - Luke, Abel, Renee, Nick, Logan

and Benjamin is in a gray area right now because nobody knows what he wants to do. I'm hoping this goes right because I'd be 4/4 for voting in the majority and controlling the vote teehee

So we win immunity again woo!!

So I'm now in an alliance with Ashley, Tyler and Brett!! Woo my faves!! Right now we're trying to figure out if there's indeed a GIANT pre-made alliance in this game. Ugh pre-mades... Anyway we think that Logan is the one running it and he has his hands on Nick, Dom, Daisy, Lily and Luke. That's dangerous as hell and if there is a pre-made well it needs to be killed like right now!!

So it seems like tonight it's either me or Abel. Daisy vs. Abel: The Showdown! Basically, I thought I had my numbers for Abel. I had me, Luke, Nick, and Lily and all I needed was Logan or Ben to have that majority. Ben's not answering me, so I talk to Logan and tell him to just be honest with me and tell me whether he's voting with me or not. He says he doesn't know yet, but it might be me tonight and he thinks people are lying. Which means that he's now gonna try to figure out what the majority actually is, and he might vote with me he might not. Ben gets back to me and says he's heard Abel. And right now I'm confident about Lily voting with me, maybe Ben because it seems like he's been busy. But I'm nervous about Nick and Luke. Luke is trying to comfort me and reassure me everything will be fine, and I can't tell if this is similar to when he would reassure me when I was just being overly paranoid, or if this is similar to when he reassured me that Abel was going home pre swap. Also I've barely talked to Nick, and he totally lied to me last round. So he could easily be lying again. Apparently Renee is voting for Abel too? Which shocks because I was told that they're a pair. I don't know, maybe she's just trying to make sure she doesn't get votes again. Or maybe she's not actually voting for Abel. I have no idea. I'm just scared, and I feel like anything could happen tonight. I hate going into tribal feeling like I have no idea how the votes are gonna fall. It's nerve wracking.

EPISODE 5

Now Trent's gone. Great. Literally the only two people I was excited to play with have already been gunned down and I didn't get to share so much as a hello with them. It's rather depressing. I'm going to do everything in my power while I am in this game to avenge both Keegan and Trent. The good news is that with so many of original Matterhorn destroying one another, we are now up 10-6 and now I only have 6 people left on my kill list.

There has been a lot of speculation as to how original Matterhorn's hierarchy was. The first two votes were unanimous, but in the tribal council in which Ci'ere was voted out, three votes were cast against Abel. Ci'ere was the first, obviously, and I'm thinking at this point that Trent was the second--and likely the reason original Matterhorn didn't attempt to draw him in when they were swapped an even 4-4. Now it's just a matter of figuring out the third vote. Furthermore, there were three votes against Renee, leaving two players in the minority of last night's vote. Did all of original Monte Rosa and Renee vote out Trent? Or were there fractures among Monte Rosa's votes? There's a lot more uncertainty about where you actually stand in the game when you haven't attended a tribal council. I'm really curious how everything is going to unfold.

The challenge was uh...it was a god damn music video. Shoot me in the face. I immediately volunteered to sit out only to face the revelation that Luke was on Exile and had now joined the new Monte Rosa, so we were EVEN and I couldn't fucking sit out! After pushing host Amanda into a vat of monoxide, I relaxed and was able to focus on the win.

How Music Video Challenges USUALLY Go:

1. Literally everyone has different awful taste in music and pushes for something they like to be the song of choice.

2. No one agrees on anything.

3. No one wants to be the editor (and can you blame them?)

4. 7/8 people begrudgingly learn a song they don't care for and roll their eyes through their entire recordings.

5. Shitty de facto editor puts together a slapstick, shoddy video.

6. The judges brutalize.

How Music Video Challenges SHOULD Go:

1. First establish the editor. Without an editor, you don't have anything--this is the most important step to the entire thing and really should be the only thing considered at the beginning.

2. You let the editor pick whatever fucking song they want and you shut the fuck up about how much you hate it for the sake of unity and in gratitude that you're not stuck with editing said video.

3. You film your scenes enthusiastically.

4. The editor, who has gotten their way with song choice and everyone has treated with a modicum of respect, is passionate about editing said video and puts together something actually passable.

5. The judges only brutalize slightly.

I want the above steps to be circulated to literally everyone who will ever play Tumblr Survivor or any similarly formatted series because I feel like people don't understand this formula and will continue to make asshats of themselves because of it.

So Maximilian stepped up to be the editor and that was the first time since this game has started that I've ever appreciated Max. Max fucked up in the scavenger hunt. Max was useless in endurance tasks. Max has just been generally useless. So the fact that Max stepped up to be editor, a major key role in this challenge--all the respect in the world. I could not be more grateful to Max for this. Max chose a rather annoying song by a Swiss artist, but it was a good song choice because if you're like me and don't want to learn the words to an annoying song, there is a lot of instrumentation and whistling in Sebalter's "Hunter of Stars." I did find it funny that Max chose a song with chorus lyrics: "Want me to go 'cause you think I'm lying." It's not lost on me.

I told the team that it would be cute if we were to all wear red/white in coordination with the colors on Switzerland's flag. I don't recall how many of these goobers actually complied with that, but for me, I had a blast with it. I remembered that my Harley Quinn shirt that was a part of my Halloween costume is those colors and it struck me that it would be fun to dress as Harley and have the baseball bat as a prop. In my first take, I attempted to fake-hit my phone with the bat, but I actually ended up hitting it dead on and I bashed my own phone! It made for a very funny music video closer and an excellent gif, but that was not my intention! Zack made the gif and I love it so much. I told Zack, "You are my favorite Matterhorndog." The rest of the scenes went much easier and I used an umbrella and a pinata in addition to the baseball bat as props. The following day, I learned that Tyler Fennessy was unable to participate and I printed out his picture and shot another whistling scene while I was at work, in my suit, at my hotel's lakeside patio.

All in all, Max edited a really fantastic video and they killed their scenes as well--the lip synching and violin playing as on point. I think my scenes were great and Ian was a terrific dancer and lip syncher as well. It was a brilliant team effort.

Can we talk about Monte Rosa's video for a second? Yikes. Renee was so cute and animated and I feel like I would really like her personality--that is all of the positive critique I have on that video. The guys were all terrible. Lily was terrible. Daisy...she really needs to reconsider her lipstick. I've gotta say. She looked like an extra from Glee. Logan's interpretive dance was ridiculous, but he has a pretty smile. The whole thing was an utter mess. And I feel Logan's pain. Finding someone to edit the video SUCKS. And if Logan had been voted out, I would have been pissed on his behalf. As far as I'm concerned, if you step up to be editor, especially if it's because no one else can be bothered, you are IMMUNE from being voted out. The loss cannot be put on you. So points to Logan for actually doing things and points to Renee for being cute.

The original Monte Rosa members on New Matterhorn are now 5-0 in challenge wins. Ashley Sarah, Dom, Ian, Maximilian, Tyler, and myself have never had to attend a tribal council in the first five rounds of the game. It's kind of awesome, but not being involved in votes really makes it difficult to cement bonds. Tyler finally got around to pitching the idea of an alliance to Ashley Sarah and now we are an alliance of four with Ian rounding out the squad.

A few things were discussed in this new alliance of four, titled "H4rmony" (I hate the name, but I don't care):

1. Ian believes Lily was one of the two who didn't vote out Trent last round due to a voting confessional that looks like something Lily's said before.

2. Zack has allegedly told Ian and Tyler that he believes Ashley Sarah has a hidden immunity idol--it makes us believe that he is actually in possession of one. That and/or the huge advantage that came with throwing the endurance tasks challenge.

3. No one trust Logan.

4. We want to keep a line of communication open with Jevvon as a potential wild card.

5. According to Tyler, Zack claims Dom has approached him about having an alliance including Dom, Tyler, Zack, and Ashley Sarah.

6. Everyone seems to have something going on with someone except for Maximilian. Because of this, I volunteered to speak with them to see where their head is at.

So I went and talked to Maximilian and conversation literally could not have gone worse. Max was already someone I found it very difficult to talk to and this conversation just made that concrete. Conversing with this loser is EXCRUCIATING. It is so bad. Max has this air that asserts their intelligence is higher than others (but with no actual credentials to speak of). And they're just so standoffish that I left the whole conversation feeling super uncomfortable. My strategy in speaking to them was to start with pleasantries and then ease into how never losing a challenge has lulled me into a sense of security I shouldn't have and I've found it difficult approaching people because I've been warned about a massive pre-made that exists (that last part actually is the truth).

HIGHLIGHTS

Max: "I've gotten to a point with this community where shouting about premades is a surefire way to get me to vote you out the next round, to be honest."

Me: Yikes. Well you can write down whichever name you like, Max."

Max: Not threatening you. It's just the pattern I've developed."

LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Who fucking says that? Jesus Christ that was so uncomfortable. This asshat is non-committal and wants to just sit on their ass while this whole game happens around them. You do you, Max. But you know what's not good game? Not playing ball with someone attempting to play ball with you for no apparent reason. Zack might very well have an advantage or an idol to use if we lose the next challenge. I have a simple solution and Tyler agrees with me completely: play up that we are splitting the votes between Jevvon and Zack (3-3-2), forcing Zack's hand in using their advantage/idol, but actually voting out Maximilian, someone no one will be playing an idol on (4-2-2 or 4-2-1-1 or some variation of that). Even though I'm a Neda in nature, the Ika Wong can and will come out from time to time. And I'll take a shot at this guy when he least expects it. And I won't miss.