#also im no therapy next week bc of schedule issue but week after.

[stoneclaw]

inability to make decisions probably a result of trauma ig so my homework for the week is to make small decisions. so theres that.

[shrunkupthejams]

hello tumblr, good timezone! a little life update (which was written at 2am? and gets very rambly and long but *shrugs* i tried to break up the walls of text a bit):

1. did i disappear? yes. will i elaborate on that? not really, i don't feel like it. but i will say that once you take a break from social media it is really hard to go back. it's very freeing, and that made me worried about how tumblr would take over the little free time i have if i came back. also hyperfixations are a lot harder to not hyperfixate on when i frequently spend time on here. overall, idk how long i was gone for, but it was a very good, much needed break that was probably great for my brain.

2. idk if i'm back back yet. we shall see. again productivity is doing much better without any tumblr in my system, as much as i do love spending time here.

3. i have read some very inspiring fics lately and am having many writing thoughts! which is great bc i really fell into a slump that i haven't been able to get out of this year like... back in may, or whatever. unfortunately, i have no time between catching up on missing school work from being sick, my job, and fucking moving. so.

4. not very tumblr relevant, but oh my god im fucking moving. again. story of my life basically. it's. fine. just happened really fast and it's weird to process. im officially in moving limbo for the next two weeks. and that sucks. but it's ultimately good for my system, i think, because i was getting restless waiting for the usual regularly scheduled "big change" in my life, and that quota is now being filled and it's relieving.

5. dear lord i don't even want to look in my notifications.. if anyone tagged me in stuff while i was out... im so sorry but it's likely lost in the pile. avoiding my problems on social media is like my specialty, and my notes is currently one of those problems.

6. (if you see me unfollow a bunch of stranger things blogs (hello, i know some of those are mutuals), im sorry but i clogged my dash with st blogs so bad and i cannot afford slipping into that hyperfixation rn. i can't do that to myself. it's not personal or anything. so um. don't mind me haha.. i should really consider the state of my dash before i follow... but alas, i do not. one of the main reasons i typically avoid the hellscape that is instagram! oh and tbh, i knew it was time to come back to this hellsite when i started casually wasting like. an actual amount of time on instagram semi-regularly. that's when yk it's time to go like fuck i do not want to be in a place where i am wasting time on instagram of all places. wasting time on tumblr is at least tasteful. sorry artists of instagram ily but i simply cannot.)

7. ahaha watch me avoid my sideblogs after this (not that's incredibly relevant). i can only involve myself in social media so much rn...

8. more irl news: after, at least of 2022 and then some of saying i need therapy, i'm finally getting therapy! first appointment booked for this wednesday babey :) thank GOD. definitely needed this after discovering that apparently you can have grandfather issues, as if my current parental issues weren't enough.

9. another irrelevant irl update: i got my license! fucking finally! idk if i ever complained about that on here but YEAH. it feels like so much has changed since i was last active on tumblr..

10. as a final bit of news, since this got fucking long im so sorry, im trying out the name kurtis now. seeing how that fits :)

and um yeah that's how my life is going rn. ill try not to go off in the tags about anything, considering the length of this post. sure makes that relatively new dashboard post shortening feature come in handy tho! haha..

[teanaoverton]

still swimming.

i thought the first year of law school was suppose to be the toughest.  that was not the case for me. 

this past semester, the first of my 2L year was the most trying experience of my life. and sheesh, i have dealt with a lot of experiences. 

before we go any further, i think its important to tell you a little about myself and warn you of some contents that this post will contain. 

i am brutally honest. i dont believe in sugar coating the truth, and so i wont.  this post may be triggering to anyone who has every experienced sexual assault and/or sexual harassment. this post is my truth. and if you havent noticed by now, i do not like capital letters or formal punctuation. and i also cant spell. 

anyway, back to the story. 

the beginning of the semester started off rocky. i worked for my school and assisted with many task including orientation for the first year students and the title ix policy updates (thanks betsy *eyeroll*). 

unfortunately, i had to use that title ix policy. 

at the end of july, my key card to get in and out of my school’s parking deck was not working properly. i expressed my concern to a security officer. instead of walking to the gate, he walked with me to the parking deck and followed me to my car. we were the only two in the parking deck. 

while at my car, he asked me on a date. i was not interested in the slightest. but hey, im a girl all alone in the parking deck with a security guard. i had just heard about a woman getting killed for rejecting a man. and i sure tf have no lived enough to die. so i told him that school was starting soon and i did not have time. smooth escape i thought. and i also thought that would be it, i was wrong. 

the next week, i left the second floor (where i worked) to go downstairs and get a snack from the vending machines. he saw me and ran to try and pay for my snack, thoughtful gesture, but i refused as i did not want to lead him on. he then followed me to the elevators and handed me a note with his number on it. 

i had to cross paths with him to get to work, and he would make comments to me. once in particular troubled me.“you dont work on wednesdays, we could go out on a wednesday.” and that is when a red flag went off for me. 

why do you know my work schedule? ive already said i wasnt interest, why are you still actively pursing me? so i told my friend/co-worker about the interactions and asked her to walk me to my car.

while working late one evening, he came to the suite and started talking and staring. it was after hours and he was no longer on the clock. the other security officer on duty was probably home with his feet kicked up by this hour. instead of doing the same... he came to “see what was going on.” being aware of the situation and that i was uncomfortable, my friend engaged in the conversation so i didnt have to. bless her. 

during orientation, we had leftover food. my boss at the time asked me to take some to the security officers. my friend and i locked eyes knowing i sure tf was not about to lead this man on by any means. so, that is when i told my boss at the time that i was good off doing that. if you know who my boss was, you know she will get the truth out of you. 

one thing lead to another and boom, the incidents were reported to HR. who i was required to meet with. during the first week of classes, i met both HR and my boss to reassure them that i was not looking to get a black man fired, i just wanted to be left alone. 

time went by, nothing happened. i still was uncomfortable passing the security desk. i would have friends walk with me to the car so i wouldnt be alone bc guess who did rounds in the parking deck, yeah. you guessed it, him. 

unfortunately, my request was not fulfilled. he did not leave me alone. i was required to do a tabling event for work. guess where that tabling event was? right across from the security desk. gr8!!! he looked at me and loudly started saying "i shouldn't have to come to work and be uncomfortable.” he said this several times, causing others in the area to look and see what was going on. 

again, the tabling event was for work (different job btw). i was sitting next to my boss who was unaware of the previous interactions. she too asked “why is he screaming like that?” 

i sat there in shock. in silence. and on the clock, so i couldnt leave. 

why. should. he. have. to. come. to. work. and. feel. uncomfortable.

that was it, my breaking point. i felt unsafe. i expressed my concerns to the appropriate parties. eventually time went on and he was transferred. 

shortly after, repressed memories of my childhood rape surfaced during a therapy session. along with many thoughts: was i over exaggerating? did i lead him on in anyway? could i have done more to let him know i wasnt interested before reporting the incidents? was this my fault? 

guilt. 

i lost track of what was happening in real life because i was so distracted by the thoughts in my head. but as soon as i gained back some control, real life hit me again. my legal writing assignment had been posted. and guess what the topic was? sexual harassment in the work place. 

you mean to tell me, i have to do research, write a brief, and have an oral argument about sexual harassment? shit, someone call my therapist. 

i wrote some shit on some paper. and that was that.  what was happening in my classes? no clue.  what was happening in my life? no clue.  what was going on in the world? no clue. 

i got lost again. 

i just wanted to float and let the current carry me for awhile. i wanted to watch the clouds chase each other into different corners of the sky like freed kites who never worry about the meaning of away. i wanted to float. ive been swimming so long. 

but my thoughts eventually had an off switch and i was good again. then guess what? 

kavanaugh. 

here we fucking go again. 

the student body president signed an aba petition to conduct an impartial hearing on kav. and for some reason, some students were pissed. so they took it upon themselves to write a petition to have the sba president remove his name from the aba petition and issue an apology. 

i need you to pay very close attention for this part. 

i sat in class triggered. surrounded by people signing this petition while tears poured down my face. how fucking disgusting are you people. 

now the only reason i know what the petition actual was is because i am in sba. otherwise, i would have no clue it ever existed. want to know why? because the students who wrote the petition never asked me to sign it. trust me, i am not offended. in fact, im honored that they knew better than to bring some bullshit like that to me. but what was upsetting, when another student asked what was going on (why everyone was gathered looking at the petition), the authors of it said  “we’re just looking at some stuff about aba accreditation.” 

baby, if you gonna talk about it. be about it. smh. 

the petition surfaced. and the names on it, wow. people i looked up to. people i considered role models. women who are allegedly advocates for women. women in general. even a few self-proclaimed feminist.

wow. the names. 

so many people who have reached out to me when i told my story about being raped as a child. so many people i believed would be there for me if i asked for help dealing with the recent sexual harassment. so many frauds. 

their names, they were on it. big and bold.  

i didnt want to float anymore. i wanted to drown. 

i was suffering. isolating myself from everyone. i did the absolute bare minimum. i distanced myself from my family, my friends, from everyone around me. 

i didnt read for any of my classes.  i stopped caring.  i had thoughts about dropping out of school.  i still have the withdrawal email in my draft. 

i want to give someone credit for helping me through this, but i cant. this ocean, its so big. but hell, i havent drowned yet. 

meanwhile, im still swimming.

[wisteriadaisies]

therapy 3/16/17

had a very good session today! and i am here to talk about it😄

highlights:

-first we talked about my wisdom teeth surgery! how i survived and whatever. she asked me about how i was after our last appointment (as that was the day before i got my wisdom teeth out), which my anxiety was pretty high and so i took two ativans and that helped! and i told her how my surgery went and whatever and how the next few days went.

-i had NO anxiety and depression from after my surgery until sunday. in a comfortable bubble for a while. then monday happened and i was like, “okay, you can’t use this as a crutch anymore” and i then overwhelmed myself a lot. and with it also being spring break, i just felt really out of whack. she understood all of this, saying i was out of my norm. and then we talked more about this but honestly i don’t remember what the fuck else about this topic

-we talked a little about me applying for a summer scholarship and for the four year college i plan on attending, and scholarships in general. she asked me to tell her the pros and cons of applying now. really the pros are getting access to the specific advisor, signing up for spring classes early, and i guess getting it over with? i just HATE applying for things and like what if i won’t get in and she’s like you will get in!!!(she’s right i will i have a 3.075 I’ll get in just anxiety messing with me) and i said why would anyone want to get me money when they are people who do all of these things and activities??? she told me that there are scholarships for everyone, and told me this site that she recommended before. i said that the only ones that related to me were mental illness ones. and she’s like ???so?? you would still be getting money! but my issue was how i have nothing else but she said that i DO have other things, hobbies that i enjoy (and even though i don’t tell her about them she was right….SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT GUYS)

-i mentioned how i’m turning 20 next week and she was like ahhhh tuesday is the day!!! and i was like 😵 and so that began our in depth discussion on birthdays. how they are so fucking weird. i really shouldn’t go on a tangent about this….bc it’s basically pointless. i feel like we got kind of philosophical about birthdays and such😅bbut she reminded me that the day is supposed to be celebrating your life. and to me…..that’s hard to handle(which she knows) and i said well it’s a good thing i share my birthday with my twin so i can focus on celebrating him instead of me

-andddddd that started a whole other topic with my issue of trying to love myself. i voiced how i worry that i will never get there. she said instead of thinking of the big picture, think of it in small ways to love myself. just treating myself with kindness and such. and just continue to let myself grow, that loving myself is a process that won’t happen overnight.

-and at some point of our session we discussed my need to always compare myself to others. and since i feel like that is always talked about idk what to say(lol my bad) but this kind of parted with me telling her that i wanted to do well to make other people proud, to not disappoint. and she said “well what about yourself? what about making yourself proud? that’s the most important thing” and again, it made me realize another part of me that doesn’t put myself first

-my mom wanted me to talk to amy about how i don’t dance in front of her(my mom) and she wants me to let loose. basically amy just said well that will come with time. obvi bc it’s not that big of an issue(her words) but it could benefit me as well!

-one of the last things we talked about was how i make “lists” sometimes but it’s very infrequent and also i feel rushed 24/7, that i will never get anything done BUT ironically, i don’t even do anything!!! i have so much time!!! SO MUCH!!! anyWAYS i said that i would have exact times for my list but then i would worry if i would need more time and then mess my schedule all up etc etc. And that i do better with lists when other people make them for me, as i now have other people’s expectations. i joked that i needed a bootcamp…..she took me seriously. said that she is going to do a “behavioral bootcamp” for me next week😂😂and have stuff for me to do lol. anyways, i’m going to ask my mom what she wants me to do and write it down AS SHE IS TELLING ME!

-idk how we got on the topic but i ended up talking about the past some and brought up the fact that before i used to have freak outs every month my senior year (and prior to that year as well) and my mom would always go “i’m signing you up to see a counselor!!!!!” But i refused and we never followed through(she thought it was amusing) and how when i think about that time, i was very scared about college and leaving high school. and back then if i would imagine life two years from then, i would have imagined like hell, fire and pitchforks. but i’m doing relatively fine now. i’m in college, getting okay grades. mental illness still sucks ass but i’m still here! living! not in hell! and i awkwardly was trying to give myself credit but at the same time not giving myself credit bc i HATE being nice to myself but my therapist was like…….you are doing so many things right now that you couldn’t before. you have been through so many stressful situations. you didn’t think you could make it, but you are still here. Thx amy OH I REMEMBER NOW we got onto this topic because we were talking about how hard it has been these past couple of months because of my fucking mind and how i am constantly questioning and challenging and overthinking!!!! but i am not as reacting outwardly as much as the past(cue me talking about the past)

-oh she also asked me what i have planned the next three-ish days before i go back to school. i said i don’t really want to think about it bc it overwhelms me and i put pressure on myself. but i mentioned homework and how i have an ecology test on monday and im nervous about it. she asked me if i’ve studied and i said…….sort of? and then she asked me HOW i study and i was like….idk (studying and i have a complicated relationship) and i said i look at stuff but i just have these expectations of myself when it comes to studying. like other people take hours out of their day to dedicate themselves to ONE class (at this point she was like kayla!!! those!!! are!!! other!! people!!! you are different from them!) and then i said maybe i should study only like 15-20 minutes a day to take pressure off of myself and she thought it was great idea and that i should do it when i get home and guess what i did BOOM

oh also i said my eating has been eh(wisdom teeth influence) and getting to sleep has been harder bc racing overwhelming thoughts and she was like.....that's when you take an ativan. point of reference 4 me