#also im having a powerpoint night with my friends!!! when i get my break

[cloudcountry]

bashe smy head into a wall im soooooo eepy rn

[show-us-kaidenshenandoah]

most of the time, when i make tiktok comments (or comments on youtube or insta or, i guess, social media in general) my brain has me just Fucking Forget that im not in a one-on-one conversation with OP and other people can read what i say. thankfully: this comment is now deleted after i foolishly left it up on tiktok for five months

i dont mind leaving i leaving it up here though because this is tumblr. it fits the vibe. i can mute the post if worst comes to worst, whatever. i think its funny that my friends were more worried about Chris than a literal cockroach lol im just glad the og tiktok comment didnt break containment before i deleted it from there lol but here? this whole site is "containment", itll be fiiiiinnne ...probaabblllyyyy

bc, yeah, luckily, this comment got only 2 likes. it was from a tiktok made by @/nerdymixedpan about: monster fuckery "hear me out"s? golden, great choices, will be allowed to speak even if no one agrees, no one is worried about Tat at all for any of their picks. human "hear me out"s? Tat's wife worries "you just like freaky lil white boys" as Tat is fussed over

but yeah!! Tat's sentiment reminded me of "my childhood (with some lifelong, but not all) 'hear me out's, but it gets worse as we go along" powerpoint i made and showed my friends for powerpoint night. and so i made an admittance in the above comment that, AS A KID (NOT NOW), i had crushes on Chris Mclean from "Total Drama Island" and the Headless Roach Man (is apparently his official wiki name) from "Growing Up Creepie"

and i think, for me, part of it is "monster fuckery? Kaiden-Shenandoah, youve been rarely NOT rigidly asexual your whole life. nobody is going to worry about you loving monster-romances and scream at 'but what about their genitalia?! you cannot possibly want to fucking bed that Lovecraftian horror!!' or some shit, bc you dont have any interest in that, so it's kinda like 'eh... our friends have had worse significant others we have had to tolerate'. at least we dont have to picture how the fuck sex would work" (bc apparently allosexuals, i guess, picture how the hell the sex could work when sizing up a loved one's partner? and they have the audacity to call ME their "favorite lil freaky weirdo". im as "freaky" as freshly cleaned Barnes & Noble, fam, idk what the fuck youre on) and all of that somehow nullifies all possible grotesqueness or horror of my monster picks. like "i kicked my feet and giggled as a lil kid over a nonspeaking, headless, giant cockroach", y'know?? nothing. they give me fucking nothing lmao rip

put an irl cockroach, head or no head (nonspeaking regardless) that is normal-cockroach-size, in front of my friends? there'd be so much screaming. but i get it, sure, the cockroach character in the ppt is 2D animated and will never be real. an actual cockroach is, y'know, obviously real. i get the dissonance there. i do. i get it. im befuddled... but i do get it, yes

and yet somehow the same logic does not impact my human "hear me out"s as my friends went "WTF KAIDEN-SHENANDOAH, YOU CANT GET WITH THIS MAN, HE'S THE DEVIL". like?? okay. but the headless extremely tall cockroach with no speaking-lines who lives in a sewer is fine?? both of these guys are 2D animated. neither are real. still. one of these png files got me a "lmao you cannot be serious... i mean, i GUESS, sure? carry on" and the other png file got me a "KAIDEN-SHENANDOAH, ABSOLUTELY NOT, NO, SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOURE DONE, NO, NOBODY'S HEARING YOU OUT, NO, NOPE, NO, SIT THE FUCK DOWN, LIKE HONESTLY, WTF". and, shockingly, it was the human man who got my friends kicking and screaming

granted, Chris absolutely is a stellar example of "if Satan was a mortal man" but also? s1 and s2 Chris was not so bad, he just did his job. he got unhinged as he stayed at that job. and im ngl im intrigued at the idea of how the fuck would this man function with something as benign yet allowing for obsession like a crush or being in love. but also? yeah, no, the straight-jacket and pillow-walled room i got put in for this one was warranted, yep, i get how i got here

[thursdaygxrls]

how do you preplan homework I need the tips

this is actually such a sweet question and i am so happy to answer it, i love school and homework…it’s love-hate

my college is a weird modern liberal arts college that doesn’t do school in a normal way?? i only have 3 classes a semester, and instead of big final tests, we write 15-20 page essays and do creative projects. my homework for one class was to talk to trees, it’s fucking wild.

however, i still have “normal” homework and went through 4 years of high school. so, here’s my things:

Materials: before my classes start, i figure out whether i need to buy the materials, and if i do, how to get them cheap. if you can tell from a syllabus that a class doesn’t adhere strongly to the textbook(s) assigned, i would skip it. if it turns out you need it later on, there’s websites like thriftbooks and abebooks, both of which i loveee for purchasing all my books. full disclosure, i don’t know much about them as companies, but they have some cheap ass books. then, i recommend getting separate materials for each class: one notebook for each class, a seperate folder/binder (whether it be physical or electronic). it just keeps it organized much better. extra points for color coding.

Scheduling: i always, always, ALWAYS make a physical list of my schedule as well as my homework. i have found that writing it down sticks it to my memory much better. when it comes to the schedule, i usually write mine down in a notebook then transfer it to a cute outlay in my journal or another piece of paper.

To-Do Lists: another thing you should write out physically. also, i do want to say here that i know using physical notebooks isn’t for everybody, and i totally respect that. for me, it commits it to my brain. i slack a bit sometimes, but i try every day to write down an organized to-do list of homework. i assign a different pen to every class (usually pink, purple, and blue, but you choose as you like) and write down every single thing i need to get done for them, big or small. i tend to write these on a daily basis, but making a mass one with benchmark goals isn’t a bad idea, just don’t overwhelm yourself with the list of work. writing out this to-do list gives me an idea of how i’ll divide my time to get the work done. here’s a special secret of mine: i’ve recently discovered that if i don’t get all the work done, it’s okay. i usually start with the most important tasks (closest deadlines, heaviest projects, assignments that need turned in) and move onto the more minimal ones (readings, note taking). sometimes, you can’t get everything done, and it’s okay!!

Timing: set aside time for everything, meaning both homework and breaks. my friends and i divided this system last semester that really worked for us: on saturday, we wake up around 9:30-10, plenty of sleep-in time, and go get brunch from our dining hall. around 11:30-12, we go to the library and spend 5-6 hours studying, revising, etc. we have each other to keep us accountable as well as help with things like editing essays. then, we get dinner and call it a night. if you don’t study well with others, make it an independent thing. it’s important to give yourself the time you need to get your work done as well as having some down time. don’t overexert yourself, trust me, i’ve been there. in high school, and the amount of stress i put on myself literally weakened my immune system. you have to care about yourself more than the homework.

Notes: taking notes in class can be a big help in doing your homework. i know that sounds like a dumb thing to say, but im so serious. it can be easy to slack off with notes, especially if you’re in an lecture. try your best not to, it’s worth it!! you don’t have to write everything down, that’s not what notes are about. for me, if a professor is lecturing and also has a powerpoint, i write down what the professor is saying instead of what is on the powerpoint. i know that may seem like another obvious thing, but when professors are lecturing, they usually include better info than just the bullet points. your notes are basically miska-mouska tools: a special tool to use later. (also, side info, they don’t have to be pretty whatsoever, they just have to be legible. when i take notes, i take them in random colored pens and doodle everywhere. they’re not super preppy or anything, but they got the info, and that’s all that matters. doodle away).

i really hope that helped. if it didn’t, or you need more specifics, please don’t be afraid to ask me. i’m trained for this sort of stuff from how much i’ve experimented what works for me. please stay in school guys, i swear it’s fun. okay, bye bye 😁

[koishua]

➷ ... 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗵𝗲𝗲-𝗷𝗮𝘆

aka my little offer for valentine's day <3 everyone thank @yyxgin for making me do this bc im actually rolling on the floor this is so cute ;-;-;-;-;

jay cooking in the kitchen while you and hee watch, light quips and comments here and there and the atmosphere always light and playful

walking on the street and you have scary guard dog privileges

picnic dates where you gaze at the clouds, picking out all of the weird shapes and teasing each other

movie nights would be the most fun thing ever

both of them look at you with the warmest and lovesick eyes whenever you rant about topics you’re passionate about

speaking about passions, powerpoint nights would be a regular thing

jay would love love love making the two of you his models omg

sometimes one of you would do something stupid and the other two would have to step in and scold the one who caused trouble like stressed parents lmfao

birthdays would be so cute and sweet with the two of you secretly planning a small celebration while the person in question would have absolutely no idea :(

ganging up on hee to serenade you for like an hour straight because you both love listening to him sing like that

they’d invite you to the studio a lot of the times and you’d be their designated hype man and most of the times, the videos they’d upload would be recorded by you :’)

sometimes they’d decide on being little shits and make you be the only one who jumped into the pool when all of you were supposed to do it smh

your phone wallpaper would be a picture of your two bfs being the silliest goofiest funniest two people ever and it would make you smile every time you unlock your phone.

your lock screen is a cute picture of your shared pet :((

god, finally chores wouldn’t be such a hassle to do, because both of them are pretty responsible and helpful.

you’d blast music and get dressed in clothes that you don’t mind getting down and dirty with and by the end of a few fun hours, you’d have a sparkling clean house ;-;

halloweens would be the best time of the year to dress up as iconic trios like powerpuff girls or something haha

both of them would be dragging you by each arm and onlookers would comment on how cute the bunch of best friends looked and then you three would knowingly look at each other, holding back laughs, because oh boy you were much more than just best friends

you would be each other's best hype men ;-; any gig one of you would have, the other two would be there to support and cheer on with your entire chests. Sometimes it’d be embarrassing to receive so much love, but oh well, you loved them anyways

sometimes activities would break all hell loose and full on passionate arguments would occur about how reese’s was the best candy bar or something, to which someone would disagree and so on and so forth

when two of you would argue, the other would be the designated peacemaker and do the “now hold hands and apologize” lmao

when you’d be homesick, they’d sit next to you and give you the warmest hugs ever and comfort you till you end up falling asleep and then jay would carry you back to bed and hee would tuck you in and give you a little forehead kiss ;-; can you hear me crying in the club

speaking of clubs, bro. these two. omg these two would be so protective over you, you best bet you’re absolutely safe in those kinds of environments bc duh heejay have your back.

jay would glare at anyone who touches inappropriately and they’d run off bc jay, as we all know, has a terrifying and super intimidating angry gaze oof

possessive hee would awaken and wrap an arm around your waist, staring down at the person who wouldn’t take a no for an answer from you smh

as i said, scary guard dog privileges lmao

omg and also per the input of @mosviqu STUDY DATES‼️‼️💔 study dates where you really try your best to concentrate and they try their best to help you, but they'd end up serving as distractions only and you'd get nothing done and then probably fail your test <//3

overall you'd have the best partners in life who'd help you overcome pretty much anything life throws in your face :(

© koishua 2022, all rights reserved || reblogs appreciated

taglist one. @shekllls @eternallyhyucks @yjwfav @beyondthesheets @speckled-sunshine @luvningkai @youreverydayzebra @ilandsghost @jensrose @yongmins @nikis-mum @w3bqrl @candysofthours @moontines @rielleluvs @heefused @squiishymeow @just-uaau @catecita @namjoo-jay @shrutiajit @baekhyunstruly @changmin-wrlds @changminurheart @chewychubchuu @taegicarus @marknaeroni @enhacolor @heelariously @chaebb @nshitae @clarakyunisageek @i-m4rk @tarosaurus @aeonghaseyo @hotgirlsunoo @misah0e @ily-cuz-i @jungwoniics @enha-hwajinna @todorokiskitten @notcamila

[antpernas]

11/17/20

you bitches better buckle up bc the trip to georgia went from bad to horrible VERY QUICKLY OSIDFLJSLDFK

SO just to note after i posted yesterday he came to the couch and started cuddling me while watching tiktoks and we were chatting and it was cute!! and i woke up feeling really good actually!! i was really confident that we were going to be able to enjoy the trip even without the intention of pursuing anything romantically afterwards! today we had plans to go around and look at atlanta, go thrifting, probably eat out too, etc. so i was really excited! and originally we were going to go to savannah today to go to the beach but then that went out the window alksfjslkdn

so i went to sleep the night before way earlier than dan, he had a presentation at 8 AM and he still hadnt completed the powerpoint for it. personally i thought he shouldve gone to sleep right when he did but he stayed up until 8 AM to present and then knocked out after. the consequence of that is that i woke up at 9 AM and was waiting for him to wake up all the way until 3 in the afternoon ASLKJLSKFDS

so finally he wakes up, i was kinda hoping that he would initiate the effort to actually go out like we had planned, especially since in our conversation on the drive home yesterday i had told him it really sucks to always be the one making the first effort literally all the time (not just with him but in general), and he said he would try to be more proactive to make me feel appreciated (that didnt happen aksfjlkf). so yeah no after thirty minutes of him not saying anything to me after he woke up i go ask him if hes still down to go out, and how i was waiting for him to wake up bc i didnt want to leave him alone in the aptmt to go thrifting cuz i thought that was mean, etc. he gets ready, we head out, he asks to drive my car and i say no bc he keeps breaking like a fucking maniac after id told him specifically not to bc it stresses me out !! we get in and head out

thrifting was pretty cool actually, there was like a LITTLE bit of awkward tension but it wasnt that bad, the thrift stores were super cool and i found some pretty nice stuff while i was there B) he also bought a bunch of stuff he liked so i thought it was a win win! we went and got food after, then we headed back to his place, which is where shit REALLY hit the fan

when we get back to his place he goes straight to his computer again. i go to the couch to eat, and after like a half hour of literally nothing–no chatting, no cuddling, he didnt even eat with me we just ate separately– i started looking into getting an airbnb and meeting other guys to try and salvage the trip. i told myself if he doesnt try to make a move to make me feel welcomed by the time my laundry was done, ill leave

THEN..... he starts getting dressed, and he heads to the door and he says to me “so youre gonna have the place to yourself for a little bit, im going to go out with some friends” and he leaves me alone in his house. this was extra ironic for me bc i remember before i had started the drive up and we were working out the details, i asked how long he would want me to stay, and he told me after wednesday he had a lot of stuff for school so he wouldnt be able to give me his attention or focus so he would feel bad if i stayed any longer; i said that that was totally fine and i thanked him for being considerate. and for that whole sentiment to be thrown out the window (if it hadnt ALREADY been bc he was just ignoring the fact that i was sitting on his couch twiddling my thumbs) when he left me alone in his house- yeah just comedy bitch COMEDYYY

and so i try to look into getting an airbnb and turns out i CANT bc my number is still linked to somebody elses fucking account and airbnb doesnt let you update it without access to the original account. at that fucking point i was pissed and i didnt even care about trying to salvage the trip so i just decide to drive home

i start getting my stuff ready and i messaging my friends about all this stuff, i end up facetiming my friend to tell them about it and their like “this is absolutely infuriating. youre not mad enough for me. burn that house down. steal his shit.” LOLLL it was just a mess!! i get all my stuff ready, i pack up my car and i leave

this one dude on grindr i was chatting to earlier had invited me over, i take him up on his offer and he was really sweet! we chatted about anime, played some video games for a little bit, his cat was adorable and it was a nice little thing. i was only there for an hour or so before i started heading home again

yeah all in all the trip was preeetttyyyyy much a bust, theres a lot of shit that pisses me off when i think about dan now (he was a huge hypocrite (he got mad at me for calling him out when he tried to excuse his behavior by saying it was bc of his trauma, but then made jokes about my r*pist.......), tbh kind of a sociopath, took a lot of pride in telling me about how hes so toxic and gaslights people all the time and i was just confused as to why he thought that would make me think any better of him at all/???, had a really concerning sense of humor that like took joy in suffering “ironically,” etc.) but i dont want to be resentful or spiteful or anything and honestly im not even that mad AT him!! he has a lot of potential in life and hes still super interesting, he just needs to heal a lot and GO TO THERAPY bc jesus fucking christ

but yeah thats my story about yesterday, im gonna write the one for today even though its not that eventful but i hope you enjoyed these little chronicles lakfsjlaksdf

[gendryw4ters-blog]

Gonna send this in now; don't worry about responding for a while, it's almost time for me to go to bed and you have fun things to do! Lieb: As anyone can tell you, Lieb doesn’t give a shit. Not about how much his clothes cost, if he went to college, the type of beer he drinks, and who he loves. Which means of course he’s punk, through and through. This comes through from old-school punk, like the Ramones, and through more modern groups like Palma Violets, Arctic Monkeys, and (1/?)

FIDLAR, his choice of pre-gaming music. He’s the cultural heir to the Beastie Boys and Nirvana and he’s proud of it. Jamie T’s songs feel like they fit that particular sentiment, with the chorus of “Sticks n Stones” REALLY summing up Lieb: “When there’s no one left to fight/Boys like him don’t shine so bright/Soon as I see the dust settle/He’s out on the town tryin’ to find trouble”.Wavves and FIDLAR (two of my favorite bands) bring in the SoCal element to Lieb. I feel like even though in (2/?)

canon he’s so damn proud of being from there, in a modern AU, he’d constantly be trying to distance himself from the general hippie reputation in favor for the grittiness of NorCal or even claiming New York (“Well, Web’s from there, and I lived with him before we came out here, so really, I am a New Yorker. And the Ramones would’ve loved me, so fuck off.”). Toye: Much like how Ron and Lip are Joy Division and New Order, the Joes are the Ramones and the Clash or the Damned: same genre, same (3/?)

circles, still different enough to be their own. Joe definitely is more in touch with his emotions outside of pissed off than Lieb, and he doesn’t really care as much about his reputation as long as he’s not publicly considered weak or soft, which leads into what I (lovingly) refer to as “1980s emo”. As with Oasis vs. Blur, the Smiths vs. the Cure is a huge debate (I’m firmly with the Cure on this one), but as long as there are songs he can mope around to, Joe doesn’t care. He does fit more (4/?

into 90s and 2000s alt in terms of his reactions and how he conducts himself, so I think Tame Impala, Pixies, and The Strokes fit him well in that area. They rep his outer reputation to people. But he’s a softie and as much as he denies it, he’s the guy who lays in bed and listens to mostly sad or apathetic music for a few days after a break up, then gets mad and makes himself get over it. Also, for some reason, this tattoo metaphor for the Joes (Lieb is stick-and-pokes done by a friend (5/6)

with some shitty alcohol and not quite legally and Joe is one of those old schools at an obscure but critically acclaimed parlor) popped in my head??? Do with it what you will. So that’s my thoughts, and I think I’m going to take a bit of a break w/the mixes. Would you like me to send in one or non-music things or something else? (6/6)

LIEB:

firstly; you’re absolutely right. lieb doesn’t give a shit about ANY of that- like he isn’t a very materialistic person at all, more concerned with collecting experience than he is with collecting actual things (aside from records, which i think perhaps he’d have a lot of- it ties in with the Web/Brooklyn Baby thing too because he’d be in awe of Web’s record collection and all of his rare finds and he genuinely does think Web is cooler than him because of that) (okay maybe not QUITE cooler than him but, yknow, close ahah). 

i actually have a whole document i did one night on why jamie t and joseph liebgott are the same person (which in retrospect would have been better as a powerpoint presentation tbh), but yeah, i think sticks and stones sums him up particularly well in that respect. it’s not even that he’s necessarily always seeking to fight, just that there is nothing else to do but fight. the kids i work with have a grand total of zero things to do at lunchtimes so they just fight for fun, which i think is something that comes with lieb quite a lot- and, presumably, jamie t. both of them have grown a lot though, and i think that becomes evident through music moreso than anything else. take sticks and stones and compare it to trouble, is what i think i mean?? idk im rambling here definitely but!! i hope you get what i mean kind of haha

ALSO i love FIDLAR and im always shook when i meet other people who do too so like!! that’s fucking awesome. and also that’s an interesting take on lieb actually! i wanted to include things to do with california because i knew his home state kind of played a big part in shaping his identity, but im afraid i was less aware of the north/south divide in terms of culturey things so!! learning that was cool, and yeah i could absolutely see him as claiming new yorker status on behalf of web omg!

TOYE:

fuck fuck i’m laughing so hard ok so I did my analyses of the Joes last night, and we have pretty much the same things to say about the Joy-Toye. I didn’t go into relationships b/w other mixes but wow, ok, 95% of it is what I had. I can still send it in, but it’s basically the same thing

first of all it’s both hilarious and wonderful that we reached the same conclusion on toye omg- like, we must obviously be doing something right if we’ve BOTH reached the same point of conclusion right?? right?? ahah

i dont really know what else to say on the matter of toye since youve worded it so brilliantly in your ask, like oh gosh, the image of him lying around after a heartbreak listening to mopey music is just like- agh i wanna give him a hug and tell him everythings going to be fine

ALSO THE TATTOO METAPHOR IS REALLY COOL AND I LIKE THAT A LOT

im tempted to write something but! i dont know what but i just, gosh its a great metaphor and great imagery too!! thank you for this!!

and also!! you do whatever you like rae honestly! im always around to chat or discuss music or the shows or anything you wanna!! you’re super cool and thank you so much for these mix things because i really appreciate them a lot!!

much love! and i hope that all is well!!

[persional]

im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges  and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don’t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.

[sixthousandninehundredmiles]

November 25, 2017

So my day started off with a group meeting with Iris, and oh god that was… not fun at all unfortunately. I also woke up late HAHA I was supposed to meet her at 10 but I woke up at 10.. but to be fair she was also late so it wasn’t that bad. She ended up waiting for me for like 10 minutes. Then we created our Instagram powerpoint which took about 2.5 hours. Way longer than it should have, but it’s okay at least that’s one more assignment out of the way.

After my meeting with iris, I called Katie and I ended up waking her up HAHA and I was like lets go get food, get ready. So I met with her at 2, and we headed off to go get hot pot. Also really funny and random but she used this whitening cream that she got from her secret Santa because she had been complaining about how tan she’s gotten, but idk what she did but she had this white cast over her face so she definitely looked paler but LOL HER FACE WAS ALSO A DIFFERENT COLOR THAN HER NECK AND CHEST AREA AHAHAHAHAH I remember laughing for legitly 5 minutes. But yay I was so excited to get hot pot hehe Problem was, the first hot pot placed we picked wasn’t going to be open until like 5 pm, and then we tried to find the next hot pot place and we ended up getting lost LOL. And while we were trying to find this second hot pot place, we stumbled across Cotton On that was having a huge Black Friday sale, 30% off everything in the store. So OBVIOUSLY we had to shop. So we ended up shopping in that one store for an hour LOL. I did find some nice stuff though, I found this giant olive hoodie jacket, and it’s sooo soft and big and just looks so comfy casual. I also found this plain black long sleeved crop top, and also a light blue hoodie that says “paris” on it. Pretty good deals, glad I got to do a little bit of Black Friday shopping HAHA

Then after that, we wandered around some more and we still couldn’t find the freaking place, so we asked one of the people working at a coffee shop, and they told us we were in the wrong building… lol… like we had to go outside, turn the corner, then go up the stairs. It’s technically the same building which is why the maps didn’t show up, but it was in a different section by itself that had a separate entrance. By this time, it was already 4 pm, and we were like shit should we still go, because we had plans to get kbbq for dinner at 8… yeah we still went. I don’t regret it though! It was good ^__ ^ also pretty cheap because we got that “afternoon tea” price, which was 167. During lunch though, omg we ended up talking about leaving each other, and it was one of the saddest moments haha. Because we were both talking, then we both picked up our drink cause we were gonna tear up, and we looked at each other and both of us started crying. Not like sobbing crying, but like tears just were nonstop rolling, but then we both started laughing because we were crying over hot pot, but then we were still crying, so it was a mixture of amusement and heartbroken ness. I don’t wanna leave these people. As much as I love home, I never felt like I had a solid place there with friends that I love so much – at least in college. These people are just all so so dear to me, and this environment that we are in of constant exploration and friendship and love is just something I don’t want to let go of. Haha yeah Im pretty sad writing about this right now. I have less than a month left, and I just don’t want it to be over. Some of these people I feel like if we were given the chance, I could be friends with them for life. It just breaks my heart thinking that I have to leave these people that I hold so dear.

ALRIGHT anyways, after lunch, we both headed back to campus, but as we were going back, Katie wanted to check out jackets because she didn’t buy any at cotton on, so we first headed to H&M, but they didn’t have much, and then I suggested we check out Uniqlo because they have a lot of jackets. Then I forgot who, but one of us jokingly suggested getting matching jackets as Chris and Vincent because they have a white and gray one, respectively from Uniqlo. So we went to go find it, and I actually found the jackets but I tried on this one navy blue one that I LOVED but Katie convinced me to get the gray one for the jokes and we were gonna meet the two of them later for dinner so I was like ok, but how do we get both of them to wear it. SO I texted chris “hey you and Vincent should both wear your Uniqlo jackets later because it’s going to be cold outside” and originally chris didn’t suspect much but when he told Vincent, Vincent was like instantly able to guess, IDK HOW but he guessed that we got matching ones and he said he wasn’t going to wear them. and I told chris that if he doesn’t wear it then im not going to talk to him for the rest of the night, I didn’t know if he was really going to wear it or not and he ended up not wearing it. And I was legitly annoyed LOL IDK WHY IT BUGGED ME TO DEATH that he didn’t actually wear it. Because Chris knew that we got matching ones when Vincent guessed, and he still wore it to match with Katie, so I was like butthurt that I didn’t get the same treatment.

But I did proceed to not talk to him for the rest of the night, which I did feel mildly bad for because he didn’t really talk to anyone when we were going along the MTR and just ended up putting in his earphones. Probably because usually I’m the one who makes conversations with him… it’s not like he tried to talk to me though so I was like whatever. LOL plus everyone else was being pretty talkative so it let me get away with it. I just talked to Josh for most of the night.

Korean bbq was alright, it was kinda weird, like all the meat was just laid out in the open, and we would go get it buffet style? Same with all the side dishes. A bit unsanitary in m opinion. I was not a fan of that haha. It was also kinda dumb because grill changes weren’t free? They weren’t expensive either but I just thought it was dumb that we had to pay per grill change… dinner was nice though, everyone there was probably my favorite people out of the entire group – Josh, Chris, Katie, and Vincent. So it’s always good vibes. Plus me and josh are always fucking around with each other so that’s always funny LOL

Then after dinner, we came back to dorms to grab our stuff so we could got to AC3 to study, and when I got back I changed into my green hoodie because I was still a bit salty HAHA I’m so petty sometimes, and then I also found out that I got my period so maybe that’s explaining a few things too. But we met with Chris and Vincent again downstairs, and this time Vincent changed into the jacket and I was pretty amused but I just turned and walked away so I was walking in the front but I was laughing the entire time because katie and chris were giving him ideas on how to apologize and also yelling after me “what more do you want this boy to do” but yeah I wasn’t mad anymore after that LOL

Then we just spent our time at AC3 until like 5 am again… but Josh also helped me design my powerpoint for my Consumer Behavior class and it looks soooo cool im so happy with it ^__^ Vincent also helped me figure out why my computer literally had no space left, and it was because I had two full iphone backups on there that was taking up like 20 gbs of space each. I legitly felt so ecstatic when he figured it out because my laptop had been lagging and constantly telling me I only had like 500 mbs of space left like wtffff

But yeah pretty eventful day haha