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molliesloan · 7 years ago

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you’ve got a warm heart, you’ve got a beautiful brain, but it’s d i s i n t e g r a t i n g ;

As she looked at herself in her bedroom mirror, Mollie ran her fingers down the sides of her leotard. She could feel the seams loosening and the fabric becoming thinner, but that didn’t bother her too much. Like most eighth graders, she’d grown quite a bit in the last year. And because of dance, she’d put on quite a bit of muscle too, so the leotard that once fit snugly was beginning to stretch out. But despite the fact that she was clearly outgrowing it, Mollie wasn’t ready to get rid of it quite yet. After all, it was her lucky leotard. The one she’d purchased at last year’s national competition where she came in first place, and the one she’d been wearing as often as possible over the past twelve months that she was convinced was the reason she’d been undefeated all season. It didn’t look like anything too special. It had a small collar at the top, almost like a short turtleneck, and it was sleeveless. The holes for her legs were cut a little higher than the other ones she owned. But still, for the most part, it was just a leotard. But it was a leotard that meant everything to the young blonde.

Mollie turned her head to her right to see her solo costume hanging on her closet door. She knew that the responsible choice would be to put it on before heading to the competition. She’d be performing her solo before she did her duet or the group dance, and because it was nationals, she wouldn’t have a ton of time to rehearse and get ready before she had to go out on stage. It was more fast-paced than most of the regular season competitions were. Rehearsing in her lucky leotard at the venue and then having to change would only slow her down... but she didn’t care. She knew that if she didn’t run through her dance a few times in her leotard and ended up losing, she’d never be able to forgive herself. So she threw her solo costume into her dance bag, slicked her hair into a high ponytail, and headed for the door.

As she flopped down onto her bed after a long day at school, Mollie let out a groan. After a long day at school, a short trip to the library to make sure she got a bit of chemistry studying in, and a run, she was exhausted, and all she wanted to do was sleep for twelve hours. But she couldn’t. Just like every other day, she had to go to dance. And with her Nutcracker performance coming up that Friday, rehearsal was even more mandatory than normal, if that was even possible. Especially since the week before, the girl who’d gotten the role of the Sugarplum Fairy broke her ankle, and Mollie was chosen to take over her role. Taking on a lead role in a matter of two weeks was pretty daunting, but the young blonde knew she couldn’t turn it down. It was a good opportunity, even if the stress of preparing for it was starting to ware on her. Before she’d switched to this studio, she thought nothing could be more hectic than getting ready to compete in national level competitions, but boy, was she wrong.

Somehow, Mollie was able to force herself off of her bed and over to her dresser, wrapping her arms tightly around her body as she trudged across the floor. Her hands felt ice cold as they brushed against her bare arms, but she was used to that. She pulled open her top dresser drawer and grabbed the black leotard that was laying on top. She had to dig a little deeper to find a clean pair of tights, though, and that’s when she saw it. Her old lucky leotard. She lifted it out of the drawer slowly and examined it. With the stretched out fabric and seams, it looked quite a bit more worn than all the other leotards she’d had in her rotation for the past year and a half. Her new studio liked the dancers to look professional, even when they were just rehearsing, so her lucky leotard had been retired after she stopped competing. But more than anything, Mollie wanted to wear it that day. And for the rest of that week. She knew that with the performance coming up that Friday, she needed the luck now more than ever. So she slipped it on, and stepped back in front of her mirror where she’d stood preparing for nationals a year and a half ago.

Mollie frowned when she saw herself in the leotard. She hadn’t expected it to look this... different. Before nationals, she’d filled it out. And now, it was practically hanging off of her. The collar wasn’t snugly fitted against her neck, and the bottom of the leotard that once felt tight around her prominent leg muscles now barely touched her thighs. She ran her fingers down the side of her leotard like she had once before, but instead of noticing the loose seams, she noticed all the extra fabric. She turned to the side and sighed once more. Mollie knew she couldn’t go to dance looking like that. But after re-discovering it, she felt like she needed to wear it. So she grabbed a handful of safety pins out of her desk drawer, bunched the extra fabric of the leotard up in the back, and started to pin away.

Mollie’s headphones were in, and her music was blasting. She didn’t want to be able to hear anything that was going on in the dressing room, she just wanted to focus. So she tuned everyone else out and ran her number, so concentrated that she let out a small shriek when she felt a tap on her shoulder. “You need to hurry up and get changed, kid. There are only a few numbers left before you need to be on stage,” her coach told her. So as quickly as possible, Mollie slid out of her leotard and into her beautiful, maroon red, two-piece costume, and headed out of the dressing room with her other teammates who had solos to perform.

Mollie started cracking her fingers, a nervous habit she’d picked up over the years. “Molls, you don’t have anything to worry about. You haven’t lost all season. This competition isn’t going to be any different,” one of her friends assured her. And she nodded in response, but she knew it wasn’t completely true. This competition was different. There was more at stake. Not only was it nationals, but it was her last nationals before she started competing as a teen instead of a junior. And winning in the teen division was a lot more difficult than winning as a junior. Mollie loved dance, she really did, and it hadn’t ever been completely about winning to her. But she’d won a lot over the past year, and it gave her a lot of confidence. She didn’t want that confidence to go away.

She was the last soloist to dance from her studio, so Mollie stood in the wings as she watched her teammates perform. She cracked her fingers again, and started to bop up and down on the balls of her feet. Apparently, you could sense her nervousness from a mile away, seeing as two of the stagehands approached her and asked her if she wanted to push her number back a few so that she could relax and calm down a bit. She thought about taking them up on that offer, but before she could respond, she heard her name announced, and she made her way onto the stage.

Despite her once lucky leotard not fitting the same way it used to, Mollie opted to wear it to her rehearsal anyways. Of course, she slid a sweater over the top of it to hide all the pins that were on her back, and she’d put on her biggest, baggiest sweatpants and sweatshirt for her ride over. But still, it was on her body. And just like it used to, it was giving her confidence. Steps she’d been forgetting the night before, she was nailing during rehearsal. The turns she’d been falling out of were looking beautiful. And the lifts that had made her so nervous were looking graceful. When it was time for a water break, her ballet teacher gave her a nod of approval, and quite a few of the other dancers let her know how well she was doing too. Mollie couldn’t even remember the last time she’d felt that good in the studio.

Most of the dancers took that opportunity to have a small snack, while Mollie just settled for her water bottle. A few minutes later, they all filed back into the studio, and gathered around their teacher as she gave them a few corrections. Mollie could feel her leotard starting to get looser as she listened to the woman speak, and she fidgeted a little before shooting her hand up in the air to ask if she could be excused to use the bathroom. She figured a few of her pins had come undone, and that would be the best place to readjust them. “You just had your break. You should’ve gone then,” the woman responded in her thick Russian accent. “We’re working on lifts now, and you and Cole’s is up first.”

Mollie danced crazily with her friends on the stage as they all waited for awards to start. The shake-y, panicked girl who’d stood backstage that morning was nowhere to be found, and bubbly, confident Mollie was standing in her place. She’d killed her solo, and done pretty well on her duet and group number too, so she was feeling pretty content. Of course, she was still a little nervous about the results, but not nearly as nervous as she had been to dance. When she walked off that stage, she knew she’d done her very best, and that’s all she could do.

When the MC announced that awards were starting, the stage went from being complete chaos to a couple hundred dancers sitting quietly with their hands in their laps in only a matter of seconds. As usual, they started with the mini solo awards, then the petite ones, and then they arrived at Mollie’s category. The young girl wrapped her arms around herself, nervously tugging at the worn fabric of her lucky leotard that she’d slipped back on for awards. They announced tenth through second place, and Mollie had yet to hear her name called. The MC did a drumroll before announcing their national junior title winner, and once the crowd settled down, Mollie’s name was announced. She jumped up off the ground in excitement, and her teammates did too, smothering her with hugs before she could even take a step in the direction of her award.

Mollie was a lucky girl, and she knew that. She’d had a lot of great moments in her life. But this one had to be one of the very best.

“Ow! Mollie, what the fuck?” Cole shouted, dropping the girl from her lift as he was stuck by one of the pins. She winced when she hit the ground, partly from the fall, and partly because a couple of the pins had been pushed into her back too. But she couldn’t bring herself to explain to Cole, the other dancers in the room, and her ballet teacher why she’d done what she’d done. I wanted to wear my ratty old leotard because I think it’s lucky sounded ridiculous in that moment, so she just sat there, her mouth gaping open. When she didn’t say anything, her teacher darted over to her, lifting up her sweater to reveal the pins on her back. No one was too surprised to see them, her teacher included, but she still looked furious. And after a ten minute verbal lashing about how stupid she was for doing something so irresponsible, and how she was selfish for only thinking of herself, she was thrown out of the rehearsal.

So she made her way into the bathroom, and the second she heard the door close behind her, tears came flooding out of her eyes. She hadn’t cried in awhile, but in that moment, she just couldn’t help it. She cried because she was exhausted, she cried because her grades still weren’t up to par, she cried because she felt like a failure, she cried because it felt like she was consistently letting everyone she loved down, but mostly, she cried because no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t feel comfortable in her own skin.

Over the past year and a half, Mollie had experienced more hard moments than she could count. But this one had to be one of the very hardest.

#eating disorder tw #this para is an actual mess ok #and if u decide to read it good luck #also the indented paras are a flashback to before she started high school if that wasn't obvious #and the other ones are present day #also if ed stuff is triggering to u dont read this!!!#i mention it more than i have in her stuff in the past #im just goin thru some stuff and writing this helped me idK #also srry for the obnoxious amount of tags omg

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kermitmentality · 3 years ago

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helloooo!!

welcome to my blog :) a bit about myself~

hello! my name is giulia! i am 18 years old and my pronouns are she/her

i am queer, not sure what labels except for demi-romantic and demi-sexual (most likely les but i don’t need to know rn :))

i am also single :) and loving it tbh

i have been diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. i have had an €d for the past 4 years of my life, putting myself through pain to only yield zero results due to these conditions. i have decided i am going to try to heal my body in a *healthy* way. i cannot say i am recovering because i obsess over making myself healthy, and other reasons.

i have been diagnosed with anorexia, MDD (depression), and GAD (anxiety). also a few others but those are mostly unimportant lol. so yes, i am mentally ill lol

some of my hobbies are singing, hanging with siblings and friends, bakinggg, reading, scuba diving, and procrastinating :)

if i go poof at any time, you can most likely blame my parents lol

and now, just a few things about my blog...

first of all, i would just like to say that although this account has always been my safe space and was an €d account (never pro), i am now trying to better my health

THIS IS YOUR WARNING! i may have content involving €ds, SH, depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses

i am NOT pro €d in any way, shape, or form. i may post about my struggles with my €d and trying to get through “recovery”, i may repost my friend’s mental health posts, i may sometimes have triggering content on my blog (will always be TWed). i do not and have never supported €ds.

everything i post is to vent or to cope, and to help others cope. any food, workout plan, or health related post i make is about my recovery from a condition i have.

i am entirely pro recovery, and if i ever use humor, i am a mentally ill queer. sorry. it also is just helping myself and others feel comfortable and have a safe space to discuss their disorders.

i see how incredibly awful it is to have mental illnesses, having a few myself, and i would not wish any pain on ANYONE. i will never ever ever ever encourage €d behavior or SH or anything harmful to one’s mind or body.

IF YOU ARE EVER TRIGGERED BY SOMETHING ON MY ACCOUNT OR ARE NOT PART OF THE MENTALLY ILL/€D COMMUNITY, OR ARE IN RECOVERY, BLOCK, DONT REPORT, MY ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

if you are pro ed, also block my account :) and rethink your actions please

i would just like to add, this is truly my only vent space and does help me cope with my mental illnesses as i live with people who are homophobic, of a religion different than mine, and do not want to help me in ways that will actually help. please please please block, dont report. if you have an issue with me or my blog, you are welcome to talk to me about my content before you continue with any action. id gladly speak to anyone about my content and i will listen to anything being said :)

anyways, i promise im a friendly person and i would love love love to be friends! dm me anytime and ask to talk about anything :) or lmk if you need any help at all, or would like to vent or anythinggg, im always here!

love u all, stay safe <333

p.s. my backup is @kermit-mentality :))

my tags:

#kermiecooks for my low cal recipes and posts

#kermiebakes for my baking stuff :) love to bake

#mealsforkermie for meal ideas that i like :)

(for me) #for kermit to remember later

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9tzuyu · 3 years ago

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stay.

note: normally i try not to get too personal with authors notes, but #lolz feeling a little silly and goofy ig

i really debated posting this because all it is - is a huge vent/dump fic. i don't expect anyone to read this or for it to really go anywhere and that's fine with me. i'm actually a little embarrassed? i guess you could say? i don't know. a lot of issues are coming up revolving around my ed so i just had to get it out.

+ i do promise to try and work on requests and lighter stuff. i still cant afford a new computer so im doing everything from my phone. it'll take some time, i'm sorry about that. i'll try my best to get requests out as soon as i can.

warnings: talks about anorexia/eating disorders. if you decide to read this i strongly advise you to take a moment beforehand because i do go pretty in depth at some points. i dont want to trigger anyone or anything, so the warning is here.

**please note that this is heavy thought based at first before it moves onto dialogue.

**and remember this is just a vent/comfort fic i originally wrote for myself, so if it’s not as good as any of my other fics you guys like i’m sorry.

ALSO SORRY TO KILL THE HALLOWEEN SPIRIT HELP

++ please be safe tonight

ty moli for proofreading i love u <3

it was impossible to understand why such an awful thing could be glamorized

you were only ten when you first stumbled across the sites. sacred rules could be found plastered all over the home pages in cute fonts to distract from how twisted the demands were. lists of diets and calorie counting apps were always linked on the side, along with pages full of videos pertaining to weight loss.

even at a young age, you knew it was obviously all wrong, that the people running these blogs had to be sick themselves. but that didn’t stop you from continuing your exploration of the community. once you started you couldn’t stop.

by the time you were twelve, you counted on laxatives and self-induced vomiting to ease your insecurities. it worked for a while, but then it wasn’t enough. you had to do more, be better than the person you were a few months prior.

at thirteen, you joined group chats and ran your own little blog tied to those who could relate. the praise for losing weight easily became your biggest motivator. because if you were the smallest, you were the best. within a few years, you’d been perfectly trained into thinking that less was good, and that becoming more was the worst thing you could ever be.

you were taught that losing hair and bruises on your skin were the things you wanted. if you didn’t have those, then you were hopeless, not enough. others in the community told you to look up to those cliche, horribly written characters with eating disorders. no matter how many stereotypes and stigmas they gave off, those characters would always be praised some way or another. you weren’t shocked to say that reading winter girls did you no favors at all.

the next few years were on and off between misery and glimpses of happiness. it was never ending. nonetheless, you ignored what every therapist told you and remained firm on the belief that your body was different from the rest. your body wouldn’t go too far like the others because you were strong. you’d come so far already, why would you stop now?

you denied your diagnosis of anorexia because nothing was wrong. you weren’t in a hospital bed dying of heart failure. why were you supposed to believe what you were doing wasn’t right when nothing serious has gone wrong? that was your point, although you knew somewhere in your mind it wasn’t normal to cry over a turkey sandwich or panic at the thought of even smelling food.

so you stayed true to your routine of hiding food, packing on layers of concealer, and lying straight through your teeth when asked if you’d stuck to your meal plan.

it never lasted long though because despite your best efforts, your body would eventually give away the truth on its own. weigh-ins became impossible to trick, your extra small clothes hung two sizes too big over your body. anyone with eyes could see that you’d been less than truthful the entire time.

as you got older, you found that some years were better than others. your body could be healthy and you found yourself genuinely enjoying those around you. friends and family said you were more fun to be around. during those times they didn’t have to worry so much, they could laugh at lame jokes you’d tell without thinking it might be the last one they’d ever hear.

during those years, your eating disorder was much more quiet. you were able to eat food and not feel as guilty as you would when you were sick. the thoughts were always there; they were just more manageable than before.

but somewhere in your twenties, you found yourself still stuck in the cycle introduced to you at the tender age of ten. you were old enough now to know and believe what you were doing was wrong, but the fear of facing and fighting back against your eating disorder was too scary of a thought for you to handle.

you knew now that when you were younger people brainwashed you into believing smaller was better. they took the lighter side of eating disorders and turned them into goals you’d want to reach.

the people you’d met on pro-anorexia websites romanticized the fuck out of the disease, leading you to believe you’d be beautiful and envied by others as long as you had a gap between your thighs and size zero pants around your waist. you thought someone would’ve wanted you as long as you were frail and dainty (two words commonly misused to describe someone who was actually weak and dying).

it was a mystery to you at sixteen why you were so miserable when you were promised happiness and self-confidence. girls didn’t envy you like you’d been told they would. instead they’d stare at you, weirded out by how freakishly skinny you were. your name was constantly in people’s mouths at school, everyone wondering why you’d ever want to look like that.

friendships didn’t last long either. you wore people out with your constant need to skip out last minute on plans that had been scheduled for over a week. things didn’t make your case any better when you’d snap at your friends for wanting to get something to eat because they were hungry. a few small, petty arguments too many, and they’d be on their way as far from you as they could go.

you’d never felt more alone in your life when even your longest friends started to grow tired of your behavior.

why couldn’t they think about how tired you were of it? you are with yourself 24/7 after all.

those in charge of the sites forgot to mention all the extremes you’d learn to go to when it came to avoiding or getting rid of food. it was more than just sneaking dinner into your dog's mouth. for you, it was hiding sacks of vomit in your closet, throwing them in a large plastic bag the night before trash day. for you it was throwing up in your friend's front yard while they ran inside for a few minutes to get something. for you it was hitting yourself in the stomach for over an hour hoping to replace hunger pain with physical pain against your body.

no one ever mentioned the insane beliefs that tagged along with anorexia. like the ones you had where you thought fast food water had calories in it because it was surrounded by the smell of food, or thinking that shampoo and advil had hidden calories in them that would somehow leak into your body.

you knew how stupid and irrational everything sounded, but those beliefs were so ingrained in your mind it was hard to challenge them.

another unmentioned concern no one cared to bring up was the fact that you’d eventually have to tell people new in your life what you’d struggled with. you told natasha awhile before you started dating her and she didn’t run off or stray away from you. you were grateful for that, but it didn’t make things very much easier for you.

if things were bad, then date nights rarely ever consisted of going out for food. this hardly ever bothered natasha too much, but you could see the occasional falter in her eyes when you told her you’d rather do something else. she’d love to take you out hold your hand as you walked to the ice cream shop after you’d eaten dinner. she’d love to enjoy a glass of wine or two at a nice restaurant with a four course meal, but you couldn’t always give her that.

there had been a few dates ruined by your eating disorder. the worst of which came just a few short months after you’d told her about your issue.

the fair was in town and natasha was over the moon about the idea of taking you with her. you weren’t in the best mindset that particular day though. the thought of being around fried, greasy food was enough to make your stomach churn, but you saw how happy she was and didn’t want to ruin her the surprise she had for you.

half way through the night you had a panic attack, cutting the date short. words couldn’t even begin to describe how guilty you felt. natasha drove you back to hers, silence filling the air after you apologized profusely. she spent the night watching over you, making sure you didn’t do anything because she knew how angry you were with yourself.

dates like those came few and far between, especially through the years you weren’t struggling as badly.

you couldn’t say the same for now though.

you tapped your feet against the tile flooring as you sat in the lobby of your doctor's office. natasha sat next to you, hand clasped tightly over yours. she was worried. beyond worried, really.

like many times before in the previous years, you’d managed to hide your relapse quite well from others. the only reason natasha knew now was because you’d passed out on the job. you’d woken up in the hospital to her setting a glass of water on the table next to your bed.

you argued about it for three days before finally agreeing to go to the doctor.

truth be told, natasha was probably more worried about it than you were. the only thing occupying your mind was the fear of having to gain weight again, but also the chance that you might lose natasha if you didn’t get it together this time.

you weren’t a kid anymore. you knew very well she had the right to leave if she wanted to. you also knew the bind you were putting her in. if she left, natasha would run the risk of worsening your situation and in a month's time she might not ever see you again. but if she stayed, then she’d only be screwing herself over by destroying her own mental health.

neither one of those options were ones you liked.

“y/n?”

you looked up to see a nurse standing in the doorway of the lobby. natasha gripped your hand as you stood up and you nodded for her as an okay to follow you. stepping on the scale was the worst part, especially since the nurse had no idea of your current situation and decided to allow you to look at the number in front of you. natasha was about to say something, but you’d already seen what the scale said, anyway.

she did, however, grimace at the sight of how skinny your arm was when you took off your jacket for a blood pressure check. just like the rest of your body it was too thin.

“temperature and weight are low-”

you are slowly dying, was the translation.

“-but your blood pressure is just above where it should be.” she left the room after jotting down the reason for your visit, telling you that your doctor would be in shortly.

you spent the next fifteen minutes waiting in an uncomfortable silence, watching as natasha fiddled with the ring on her index finger.

“it’ll be okay, nat.”

“we’ll see what the doctor says.”

“i’m sorry.” she sighed, running her fingers through her hair. “i know you are.”

her reply didn’t help the matter, only making you feel more guilty by the second. guilt you didn’t have room to feel when you were the one doing this to yourself.

a light knock on the door made noise and your doctor walked in, a smile on her face like the previous times you’d been in her office.

“hello dr. hill.”

“y/n,” she greeted.

the doctor flicked through your files on her computer before she addressed you herself.

“want to tell me in your own words what happened?”

you shrugged, “hit another relapse. passed out at work. argued with my girlfriend over whether or not i should be here.”

she hummed, taking your hands in her own, examining how blue your fingernails had turned. “a lot less pink from the last time i saw you.”

her stethoscope met your spine, and you inhaled, exhaling as she moved it around the back of your body.

“lungs sound fine.” you waited patiently until she finished listening to your chest. “your heartbeat isn’t where i’d like it to be, but seeing as you’re a little over twenty pounds underweight, it’s exactly where i’d expect it to be.”

dr. hill paused, jotting down a few notes on her clipboard. “i strongly recommend hospitalization.” deal breaker. you shook your head instantly, instantly regretting making the appointment.

natasha swallowed back a sob full of anger and frustration. “why not?”

“i just can’t, alright? it’s not even that bad.” you mumbled.

dr. hill stepped out into the hallway, giving you and natasha space to talk.

“did you not hear her? jesus christ it’s like talking to a brick wall with you.” she paced around the room, emotions too high for her to think properly before speaking.

“well then leave, natasha. i don’t care anymore.”

“i don’t want to! that’s the last thing i ever want to do to you. but god, why can’t you just fucking eat?”

she couldn’t stop the words from slipping from her mouth. her heart broke when she saw the look on your face.

“and why can’t you understand it’s not always about that?” you whispered to the ground.

“i know. i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to say that. but please, we can do this together. i’ll there every step of the way, you just have to want it for yourself.” she pleaded, eyes watery with tear tracks tracing the edge of her jaw.

“i just want to go home. can we just go home, please?”

. . .

the smell of natasha’s dinner aired throughout the kitchen. you watched as she filled her plate with a variety of things. it looked good — good enough to eat — you couldn’t lie about that.

natasha hadn’t spoken a word to you since the appointment earlier in the day, too upset to even think about it.

you were conflicted about everything.

literally everything.

but seeing natasha sitting alone, face propped up resting against her arm, flipped something inside of you.

you could almost hear her voice telling you to try, just try, that’s all she wanted from you. the both of you knew you’d end up dead if you didn’t. and you didn’t really want that, no matter how many times you wished it would happen.

so you went to grab your own plate, filling as much as you thought you were comfortable with and sat next to nat. this was the first time you’d done this in months.

you inhaled, but made no move to take a bite.

your thoughts had never been this loud before. it was bickering back and forth, nonstop.

you wont be good anymore if you eat that.

– yes i will.

you’re disgusting.

– i’m just hungry.

it’ll go away.

– i just want to eat. it’s just food. nothing more.

you know you can’t do that. you’re bad, horrible, the worst person in the world. so be good.

“damnit!” you slammed your fork down, startling natasha.

breathe.

“you’ve got this.” natasha’s soft voice came from beside you and her hand clasped into yours. “how’s this? i can talk about something, anything you’d like to take your mind off of this.”

you cleared your throat with a small nod, “it’s almost halloween.”

“it is. do you want to do anything this year?”

“can we dress up and give away candy to the kids? and can we stay up and watch horror movies?” natasha giggled, “we sure can.”

she noticed how your fork began to circle around the food, pushing and shoving it around.

“can you take another bite?”

no.

don’t.

the metal hit your tongue, food leaving the fork and into your mouth.

“do you have any ideas as to what you would like to dress up as?”

“mmm. well i think we should definitely go as edward and bella from twilight.” you replied sarcastically.

“i love you, but there’s no way in hell you’ll get me to dress up as a sparkly vampire.”

her thumb rubbed the top of your knuckles. “another bite please. you’re almost there.”

your lip trembled and you could feel the lump in your throat start to form. you felt so stupid and humiliated that natasha had to do this for you.

with a shaky breath, you exhaled, pushing yourself once more.

“i think we should go as gay ken and barbie.” your lip twitched into a smile. “and who would you be?”

“well ken of course,” she confirmed.

“what it i wanted to be ken?”

“and what if i wanted to just wear a cat's ear headband with a black turtleneck and pants and call it a costume?”

“if you want to, we can.” the redhead smiled, shaking her head. “we can be anything your little heart desires. now, one last bite?”

and one last bite it was.

you liked that natasha didn’t clap and cheer when you finished your plate. too many times you’d been told “i’m so, so proud of you!” or “i can’t believe you actually finished!”, it was annoying. those types of things always made you feel like a child who couldn’t do anything to begin with.

instead, natasha went with a gentle “i knew you could do it” and went to put the dish in the sink. it felt nice to have someone really believe in you.

“c’mon, we can get ahead on our horror movie watching a little early.”

natasha went to grab your hand, leading you into the livingroom and onto the couch. you tensed when her arm wrapped around your body.

gross. disgusting. she shouldn’t touch you.

“hey, where’d you go just now?”

“hm? nowhere. i’m here.” she knew you were lying, but decided not to push.

natasha’s hand moved from your side up to your head, scrunching her fingers together to scrape her nails against your scalp.

not good. tainted. dirty. wrong.

“what movie would you like to watch?” she clicked the remote and scrolled through a series of horror movies.

ruined.

“bride of chucky?” when she didn’t receive a reply she pressed play anyway, knowing it was one of your favorites.

natasha tried her best to keep you as distracted as possible. she went from letting you play with her hair and rings to asking questions about the movie, despite already knowing the answers.

“we should go as chucky and tiffany. don’t you think? i’ve already got the red hair.”

why would you do that?

“yeah, that’d be fun.” your voice cracked, causing natasha’s previous hand movements to come to a halt.

“is there anything i can do to help you right now?”

“i just don’t want to be here right now.” natasha’s eyes widened, and you quickly went to clarify what you meant. “no- no- not like that! not like that at all. i just… i don’t know, i feel stupid.”

“why?”

“we have a bathroom. i just ate.” not a second later and natasha put the pieces together.

“oh.”

you nodded, “it’s stu-”

“it’s not stupid. it’s triggering.”

natasha moved to get off the couch, disappearing out of your sight. you didn’t have the energy to try and see what she was doing, so you stayed put.

“let’s go for a drive. i know a spot you might like. it’s quiet, away from the city. we can just talk or listen to music. we could also just sit in silence if you want, i don’t mind. whatever it takes until you feel ready to come back.”

you didn’t bother trying to tell her that she didn’t have to do this because she wouldn’t listen anyway. natasha’s stubbornness was honestly one of the few things that’s saved you.

“nirvana? stevie nicks? what are you in the mood for?” natasha asked you softly, thumb tapping her screen as she scrolled through her spotify playlists.

“will you play kurt’s version of the man who sold the world, please?”

“of course. and you know you’re always welcome to change the song. i put it on shuffle though.”

the ride there was more relaxing than you thought it would be. your mind and body were too focused on the lyrics of the song and fiddling with natasha’s free hand. the thoughts were still there, just not as loud as before.

soon enough, you and natasha both laid flat against the back of her car staring up at the moon. it was still. no noise could be heard apart from the sound of crickets a few feet away.

you had room to think, room to breathe.

you thought about what some of your friends were doing right now. you’d seen pictures on instagram of them representing their college, a couple of party posts, and the occasional travel selfie.

those were all the things you wanted to do, but couldn’t. it was easy to let yourself feel jealous. sure, you were more than grateful to have natasha, but there’s nothing fun about being in a relationship with someone so self-destructive. there was no doubt natasha loved you, but it’s hard to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved; or at least acts like they don’t.

so the choice was once again up to you. what was more important? spending days wasting away over something you’ll never reach? or living a new life, one that could be exciting, outside of your eating disorder?

“what’s on your mind?” natasha questioned, turning her head to the side to get a better view of your face. your cheeks were more hallow than she remembered and it made her stomach turn.

you hummed, “i was so caught up in my own pain i didn’t realize how much i was hurting everyone else around me. this race to be perfect; look where it got me.”

natasha didn’t know what the right thing to say was. your statement wasn’t necessarily wrong, so she couldn’t argue against it.

“i used to tell myself that my eating disorder never took anything from me. everyone always had something, whether it be a sport, or theater, or dance. i didn’t have that. and then i realized that’s exactly what my eating disorder took away from me. i haven’t done anything in the past decade except go through the motion. every day up until now i’ve lived to obey my eating disorder.”

there was pause, another inhale and another exhale.

“you could say i have someone; my family or friends, but after awhile they get tired. they stop trying and asking. they stop caring. a few years down the road and now i have a strained relationship with everyone i used to be close with. i guess it made it easier to accept what would inevitably happen to me.”

you turned to face her, a shaky breath leaving your mouth. “i don’t want to die, nat.”

the redhead had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. she couldn’t imagine a life without you, she didn’t want to imagine it.

“had i known when i was a kid that this would be my life i would’ve never continued on like this.”

“you still have time, you can still get better.” she reasoned.

“i know, it’s just hard.”

“you’re in the fight for your life, it won’t ever be easy.” natasha affirmed. “but i know you can do this.”

“we’ll see.”

. . .

*gasp* an eating disorder fic that doesn’t revolve around the fear of getting fat? v tired of that stereotype pleek not everyone with an ed is like that.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanov x reader #black widow x reader #natasha x reader #tw: eating disorder

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genderificationbeam · 4 years ago

Text

pinned post, pls read <3

- testimony from @noelfieldinggenderenvy

heyy im tee jay/TJ!! the t stands for tboy swag and the j stands for jordaan

i dont Have to give u a list of all my Axes Of Oppression but it's probably of note that i'm a black (gender)queer AuDHD typea guy. FtM is alright, butch is alright, trans man or trans masc are alright, i'm really not picky about most labels

im 20 :] whooaaaaa immso fuggin old

he/it prns, emphasis on the it. tryin out zie/hir also!

i’m a gender accelerationist and generally pretty autistic about Gender, and a gender abolitionist when we define Gender as a System.

im an annoying choir kid and i am going 2 school for music ed :p (music studyblr / general nerd blog @mediantriaad !!)

im some flavor of communist and a few flavors of anarchist <3

idgaf about tumblr queer discourse, i refer to myself with whatever words i like and i respect that other people do the same.

i dont tag the word queer and if you tag my posts as “q slur” or "q word" i will block you. totally fine if the term makes you uncomfortable for personal use but Queer is my whole identity/community, and i really dislike seeing that facet of myself trigger tagged-- so i hide it when i see it. tag it as "queer" if you don't want that to happen but you do need to filter it for whatever reason

(i am also not a huge tag user in general outside of conversational tags! im pretty good about tagging unreality, everything else (including slurs) i tend to not tag or forget to tag, fair warning)

i dont really have a dni bc i just block ppl if i dont want to see their account but you will probably get blocked if you’re truscum, a capitalist, an exclusionist, yk.

i also rb a lot of stuff / have a lot of takes abt transmasc specific oppression, mostly bc its what i operate under and what im comfortable speaking on as a trans dude; that said, all my transfem and transneutral siblings-in-arms have a special place in my heart <3

spam likes/reblogs appreciated, i very often forget im on Someones Blog and not my dash so you'll get em from me too unless you explicitly say not to

interests + hobbies include: dimension 20 (sideblog), scaring the hoes music (noise, musique concrète, loud wailing indie, midwest emo, [contemporary] classical, prog, metal, occasional guilty-pleasure blink-182, you know the deal), bad horror movies, good horror movies, music composition/arranging (mostly contemporary classical, ttbb acapella, and noise), crochet, queer theory, Red!, shit, piss idc

alright heres some links since we're here:

spotify

last.fm

guestbook

pronouns.page

gay obama be like uhhhhhhhh let me be queer

#me #pinned post

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thatadhdmood · 4 years ago

Note

uhhhhh i rly want to join the adhd discord server but i have social anxiety and i absolutely do not know how to talk to people fhhfjfdj rip ig

Everybody is legit v nice on my server it is v pog

I can explain the entrance process if that helps because it can be a little wild if u rnt expectinf it

U go in and u can only see the important category

U will be @ ed in welcome by a bot which gives u instructions on what to do, and nate or someone else will @ u in introduction to prompt u to make an intro using the template

The after reading the rules and trigger mastelist u make an intro

Then go to roles and get your roles

Then you can join the discord and can see the other channels

We have a lot of channels but generally ppl will say hullo new person in generally froggy chat

Then u can say hullo back

General is kinda chaotic so if ur shy id suggest looking thru channels and finding anything to do with ur hyperfixations and just talk about ur hyperfixation with anyone whos in the channel

If no ones there someone may join u probs

Ppl also have rooms that are dedicated to one person that they can theme to be what they want

Those r also more quiet places since less ppl in em

The server can be a very specific experience if u mute channels u dont like and talk in certain places

Also sometimes ull see ppl being mean to eachother but it is a joke and both sides are in on the joke and its for fun do not worry we like to bully eachother! Consensual bullying

U will not be bullied dw

Wow i have said a lot well the server is old and has a lot of stuff going on in it

Its very fun and so welcoming tho!!

Hope u join

#thatadhdmood #adhd #asks #actuallyadhd #actually adhd #anonymous #adhd crew

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enbies-and-felonies · 4 years ago

Note

u dont hafta answer cuz this is kinda personal but what was the lowest pt/one of the lowest pts in your life and how did things get better from there/did things get better from there?

OOooo, this is a good one!! I have had two main low parts in my life (buckle in <3) (trigger warning for some really dark stuff and mental health)

1. when I was around 12-13. okay, so when I was around 12 I found out I would be moving again. (military brat and all that; I move around every 3 years). The thing was, I had just started forming close friendships with people and finally felt,, well, at home. (I shouldn’t have, I know, but I was young and didn’t realize that forming emotional attachment to places and people just causes pain)

This news came right after 2 big things. My brother (now estranged) got married, we traveled to their wedding, my parents and younger sister went home, and me and my older sister stayed for a bit with my grandparents for the summer. and the second is: one of our dogs died.

These might not seem like much, but both were really big and actually kinda devastating.

My dad then had to move while we stayed behind to sell our house. With him went the LARGE majority of our belongings. We ended up sleeping on mattresses and living out of suitcases for around six? six months or so. We lived like that with the constant knowledge that as soon as our house sold we would leave. Any time we saw our friends could be our last goodbyes.

THEN our house sold, we lived for a few weeks alternating between a friends house and a home for pregnant women (bc my mom was a House Parent there), our dogs ran away and then we left.

after moving (which involved a few weeks of car trips to grandparents and across country and more) I shut myself off. I figured that if I was just going to move again I might as well not make any friends because all that brings is pain. I’m not going to set myself up for that kind of hurt.

I fell into a depressive state and numbed myself as best I could, making myself apathetic about this new place while also spiraling into into an (obsession? hyperfixation??) excessive focus on fanfiction and the internet while ignoring any irl contact with people. Keep in mind, this is completely secret from my parents bc they are really overprotective and don’t even know I have access to wifi.

I end up just spiraling more, trying to escape by writing about my feelings in a small notebook (a really bad and depressing parody of Let it Go was included). I write about self-harming (I also do self-harm a few small times). I make the mistake of not focusing on my schoolwork, get caught, ask them not to read my notebooks (one was my DepressingTM one, and the other one was full of fanfic ideas) (both were very private) (my parents read through them), they take my phone, find out that I have wattpad and pinterest, take my phone away completely.

this makes it WORSE but also makes it so I am forced to talk to people.

I don’t really know, I guess it mostly faded after that, but I was really suicidal for a while and I can honestly say that becoming friends (VERY against my will and misconstrued sense of self-preservation) with @my-nickname-atrocy is what saved my life.

I think it was caused by a lack of support system/overprotective and ultimately misguided parents, but I also know that I’m also just a really fucked-up person.

it got better, but,,, yeah

2. Last school semester.

it’s kinda soon for me to talk about it in depth, but basically I got super overwhelmed and stressed out because I’m doing college AND highscool classes, WITH an undiagnosed mental disorder (probably adhd), my parents aren’t supportive in the ways I need, and yeah.

It got- pretty bad. I think I developed an ED?? I didn’t get to the point where I was actively suicidal, but I was (kinda still am) very self-destructive and I have a really hard time believing the future will be okay.

It cleared up a lot during break, because I no longer had school to procrastinate, but I’m worried about this next semester because I don’t want to spiral again and I’m gonna move again soon (probably within a year?) and just- yeah.

I still deal with a lot of self-hate and self-destructive stuff, and yeah, but even if I can’t do it myself always, hear me when I say you need to let yourself feel things, you need to let yourself love people. Don’t suppress to the point where you can’t cry, don’t bottle things up bc you WILL crack.

ily <3

#long post #tw long post #tw self-hate #tw self-harm #tw self harm #tw suicide mention #tw suicide idealization #tw death mention #tw death #tw school #tw college #tw parents #tw moving #tw ed

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tendouluvr · 4 years ago

Text

BYF

i curse (maybe too much, it transfers to my writing sometimes)

i rant sometimes but its mostly in the tags lollll i like ranting in tags

u can call me any petnames! i also use them platonically so pls lmk if it makes u uncomfy!!

respect all prns (incl neoprns + xenoprns!!). i use she/her but if i see anyone disrespecting anyone else’s prns (especially if u know what they go by and still choose to do it) i’ll maul u block u.

i use tone indicators sometimes! theyre helpful for others and sometimes me

any age allowed (unless ur a weirdo whos just here to prey on minors)! im a sfw blog. if ur uncomfortable w anything pls read the tags i have at the beginning of the work so u know what to expect

dont be shy to interact hehe my ask box is always open to talk

i might go ia sometimes but dwbi im prob just too busy that day to go onto tumblr but im pretty active overall (my little green light isn’t on so u wont know if im on or not lol but i assure u im on tumblr like 20hrs a day)

ask >>> dms

i dont usually post politics and stuff on here because i use this blog as a way to get my mind away from those for a bit. occasionally i will spread awareness but yea for the most part i wont be talking politics and all that stressful stuff

edit: i feel like i should say this but i do not tag “food” as warnings in my writing. warnings are for bad, triggering things. i know there are people sensitive to food but you simply cannot expect the world to adapt to you. i do tag things such as ed, mental health, limited eating, etc. to me, those can actually be triggering. the topic of “food” itself should not be tagged as a warning. if you’re recovering, you don’t want to see people putting tw for food because it makes it seem as if food is a bad thing. it is not, so i don’t tag it. and before anyone asks, i did struggle with eating myself (i was never diagnosed but anyone that knows me irl could tell you i was having problems).

DNi

u fit the basic criteria (lgbtq+ phobic, ableist, fatphobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, racist, etc.)

u invalidate others and what they like for no rzn

u kin, romanticize, and/or glorify real life serial killers, rapists, kidnappers, etc.

u spread anon hate

u participate(d) in [character] hate night

u make flattykawa, ratsumu, sangwoo atsumu, deadchi, etc. jokes (bodyshaming, racist, offensive, plus overall not funny and redundant “jokes”)

ur a pedophile

an overall jackass and scumbag

#ion wanna block anyone lol ive never blocked anyone ever #i forgot this was in my drafts and just rmb #pls read it thank u 🙏

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tenpin-boleyn · 5 years ago

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Rebellious Parr at School!

These were thought up by @wolfies-chew-toy and I- mostly MB- because Cathy going through teenage rebellion is I C O N I C

There are some teenage Anne in here too but mostly our girl Cathy P 🖤

Also I’m sorry about the length- I’m on mobile so I can’t add a read more :)

•Anne got her heelys confiscated, so she decided to sandpaper the bottom of her shoes so she can slide around like a penguin. No wheels? No problem.

•Catherine being the feminist icon that all teachers fear:

“NO I AM NOT READING ROMEO AND JULIET AS ITS A DEROGATORY REPRESENTATION OF WOMEN AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH”

Then Catherine promptly gets removed from the class.

“Catherine don’t you have English right now?”

“Don’t you have your funeral!!.... oh my god Mrs lynn I’m so sorry” because Cathy is a badass but she still has feelings

•Confusing the teachers on a daily basis:

"Hitler is kinda like Kim Jong Un dont you think?"

"Miss Parr and Miss Seymour what are you talking about?"

"Miss, isn't Kim Jong Un rather like Hitler?"

"Please stop discussing your Kpop idols in my class."

•The school has different colors led name tags for the different years, eg. Seventh year, yellow, eighth year green etc.

You can bet your ass Parr has a name tag in each colour and wears them all at once. It ranges from her actual name to Catradora. She has a name tag that just says CatParr420 and wears it everywhere.

And 90% of the time she wears a blank one and carries around a marker

“Umm excuse me what’s your name?”

Which prompts Cathy to draw on a fake name.

“Anita Willtolive”!

•She draws penises on all the whiteboards of every class she enters in permanent marker.

•One time the school used a drone to film the morning assembly and the noise annoyed Cathy so much she picked her book from morning reading up and h u r l e d it at the drone.

All you can hear before the recording stops is “YEET”

Did she get detention? Yes

Was it worth it? HELL YES

•You can bet your bottom dollar that Anne is in that detention too.

Anne's reasons for detention range from stuff like chatting to general shenaniganery but Cathy is just oPEN DEFIANCE

•She only is nice to her classmates

•And selected teachers

•She's a dick to everyone else

•But if she sees a kid on their own she’ll go out of her way to be lovely to them and to that one annoying teacher she hates, she’s a hell raiser

•She once moved the empty table next to her desk away to the other end of the class to stop teachers from sitting next to her- whilst the teacher was trying to sit at said desk.

•Catherine openly questioning EVERYTHING

“But if everyone is only nice to get into heaven surely that defeats the purpose and they’re being fake”

•She would fall asleep in front of the teacher

She'd just yell goodnight really loudly and knock out on her desk

•Honestly it’s a wonder she hasn’t been kicked out, but Jane thinks it’s because her grades bring up the school average

•She does her homework the moment she gets it and is finished by the end of the day

•Anne just puts in her file and lets it rot

•Parr gets in trouble for handing in Anne’s homework that Parr did but Anne has no idea. Cathy just wanted to make sure she didn’t fail

•Anne teaches Parr how to get discounts in the cafeteria, because Parr needs free cookies.

•Parr is Anne's defender when it comes to detentions

•She gives the teacher her Stare™️ and they instantly clam up

•Their detention desks are side by side and they have like those partners in crime necklaces but instead of two halves on their necklaces they’re carved into the tables

They they put them together they just line up

“Parr scares all the teachers except the German teacher who is literally Satan.

•Anne looks scary but she is basically harmless

•Parr looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly but given the chance she would 100% bite her teacher's hand off

•Anne has like five piercings and the messiest uniform in existence while Parr has only one piercing in each ear and the neatest uniform in existence but the moment Parr opens her mouth you better run

•She once bit a first year because they got in her way

•Cross any of Parr's friends or Parr herself and you might as well drop out because you'll be on a hit list for your whole education career

•She’s got a little black book of people that’s annoyed her because eventually she forgets but she’s too petty to let her memory get the better of her

•Anne has been on it at least once but Parr always strikes her name out

•She once kicked Parr in the stomach trying to show off her sandpapered shoes

•The shoe flew off and hit Parr in the stomach

She would have screamed at Anne but Anne’s puppy dog eyes are irresistible

Especially at 12 years old because she’s literally a baby

Like not even in a sexual way, you just can’t say no to those eyes

•Seymour has also been on the list once

But Parr got her revenge

What did Seymour do? She keeps taking Parrs highlighters

So Parr makes her pay money for every time she uses her highlighters

And one day a teacher sees and thinks it’s a drug deal

Every late payment is + 1 quid

Jane knows better than to accumulate late payments because Parr is ruthless when it comes to money

•When a classmate lost Parrs calculator and didn't pay her back, Parr literally carved owe money pay money onto her desk and got that person's friends to remind them daily till they paid her back

•Every time that person saw Parr in the hallways they'd turn around and head the other direction

•Tardies don't matter when the most trigger-happy person in school is out for your blood

•The day that she’s sat next to Parr in the seating plan is the day she moves schools

•Even then Parr still tracks her down

•She waits for them at the school gate with the most murderous smile on her face

•You just see Anne behind her chewing gum, snapping her fingers and doing jazz hands

•And the person is rapidly dialing their parents while screaming MOM COME PICK ME UP I'M SCARED

•Suddenly Aragon pulls up with the others and shouts at the pair “get in losers we’re going shopping”

"How the hell did you even find them Cathy?"

"I just followed the smell of crippling debt and it led me here."

“No seriously how?”

“Anne never turns her snapmaps off”

•Also Parr made the PE teacher cry more than once. More than twice. Okay it was 27 times.

•Parr has a pen knife and people try to confiscate it but she just brings out a printed sheet of paper that says that “a knife may be carried as a self defence weapon if it is under 9 inches and is retractable”

•She made the history teacher quit.

•One time she threatened to give someone salmonella because they were giving Anne and Kat a hard time

•Both Anne and Kat are in special ed and someone thought it'd be funny to bully them cuz of it

•She was skipping class in the toilets and two girls walk in and start bad mouthing Anne and Kitty so she kicks open her door and looks at them whilst sucking a lolly pop “hello bitches say goodbye to ur eyebrows”

•Parr is super defensive of the two of them

•She teases them sure but if anyone else tries, they have to sleep with one eye open

•Anne and Kat don't understand why people keep coming up and apologizing to them

•When they ask Parr, she just shrugs and smiles

•Parr used to be super motivated back in year seven. When year eleven rolled around, she became a little more rebellious, first the name tags, then the mouthing off. Then it escalated further and further. No one else but Parr and Anne knows what happened to cause this change

•Parr is soft for Anne and Kat and Anne and Kat alone

•She roughs up Aragon, Seymour and Cleves bc she knows they can take it. She's soft when she needs to be and not many people see that side of her

•Her favourite teachers rarely see that side either. Only during teacher's day when she sneaks into the staffroom to give them homemade cookies

•Parr wears leather jackets to class and no one dares question her.

•Anne learnt Chinese and how to play the guitar during detention so that she could sing for Parr the next time they had a session together

•Anne singing Unchained Melody exactly like in ghost the musical, and does the little elvis riff too

•Parr and Anne facetime and do Kahoots together because they need to study aka theyre competitive as shit

•Cathy gets excited in class and stands on her chair and yells "I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK. U COMING TO KILL ME???" And promptly gets removed from the class.

•Parr gets a "Little Miss Adventurous" award for having the most travelled converstation.

BONUS:

•The queens doing that egg project where they have to bring an egg home and keep it for a week

•Anne calls hers Eggward Eggburt.

•Aragon drops it the moment she gets it

•Anne brings the egg home and makes it into an omelette

•Jane does well till the sixth day where she goes fuck it and uses it to bake cookies.

•Cleves breaks it during lunch after Anne called her a name and she threw it at her

•Kat gives hers to Jane and it's baked into chocolate chip cookies

•Parr shuts hers in the fridge for a week and takes it out at the end of the week

•Anne gets asked where her egg is and she pats her stomach which results in Kitty yelling “YOURE PREGNANT?!”

•Jane gets asked where her egg is and she holds up this cookie jar and offers the teacher one

•Parr is praised for being the only one in class for having an intact egg and then she grabs the egg and breaks it on the teacher's head cuz she 'needed to shut up'

#anne boleyn #six the musical #millie o'connell #aimie atkinson #katherine howard #catherine parr #catherine of aragon #grace mouat

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willgayers · 7 years ago

Photo

your wish is my command ;-) also this contains some domestic!reddie <3333333 how about i just… start writing these tattoo hcs and fics. nothing else. ever. again.

lmao just kidding half

it’s a little long but… you know me by now. i couldnt write these short even if i TRIED

(part 1 part 2)

so richie and eddie move together when they’re both 20 and it’s a cute lil condo

the day is february 12th when they do it

even tho richie has been basically living at the kaspbrak house for the past 12 months, it’s their ACTUAL own house now

so richie now has a full-hand sleeve on his left hand and it is so freaking hot

then there’s obvs the wolf tattoo and the heart on his chest and even a lil ice cream cone on his ankle. (*cough* 4th of july parade when eddie bought them ice cream *cough*)

eddie can’t handle all the hotness that richie is bc now he’s seeing him literally every day

and he can’t stop staring at his boyfriend’s beautiful ink covered body

like when they’re cuddled up watching a movie

“eddie my hand is not the screen”

“idc”

when richie is making them breakfast without a shirt on eddie is just admiring him from afar

“wow im tapping that”

when richie falls asleep eddie is just tracing the outlines of the tattoos with his fingers and this is a fact™

one time richie got a scratch on one of them and eddie was freaking out … and it wasn’t over the germs first

“omG yOUR TATTOO IS GONNA GET RUINED”

and once a girl working in the movie theater said richie’s neck tattoo is really cool with a way too wide smile that triggered eddie

JEALOUS!EDDIE MODE ON

“IT IS ,,, ISN’T IT????” he calls from behind richie and immediately sneaks his hands around richie and the girl is a little weirded out (and disappointed probably) and just hands them their tickets

that’s right don’t look at my hot tattooed boyfriend he’s mine -eddie, all the time @ everyone who looks at richie a little too long probably

anyway one morning they’re sharing some lazy morning kisses in the bed and eddie is again completely heart eyes over his punk!boyfriend

then richie starts kissing eddie’s neck and eddie says something richie wasn’t expecting

“richie,,, i want a tattoo”

richie makes a weird slurpy sound mid- hickey sucking and lifts his face

“what???”

“yeah”

“you want a tattoo????”

eddie blushes a lil bc richie is so confused

“yeah” he nods

richie kinda just stares at him bc eddie???? his pure eddie wants a tattoo???

but then after a good five seconds (where eddie regrets saying his wish out loud) he’s like aw hell yES

“well damn okay SURE”

eddie is a wide smile happy boi bc he has the cutest idea

they make an appointment for eddie and it’s to leah

they eat chinese food out of the cardboard takeaway boxes on their living room floor that night

“what’s it gonna be tho” asks richie

“you’ll see” eddie just says before munching some more spring rolls

it’s a small tat so leah had time for eds the next day!!

eddie is a little nervous bc it’s his first tattoo and he has no idea how much it’s going to hurt and taking from richie’s face that one time… well .. yeah

“r u nervous” leah asks as eddie sits down to the chair

WTF DO U THINK he wants to say

“a lil” he in reality says bc he’s a sweet boy

leah just smiles while she’s preparing the stuff

“dont worry im a good tattooer”

richie is a worried boyfriend™

“eddie r u sure you wanna do this. r u sure you’re not gonna pass out or anything. i mean it’s your first one.”

“richie im FINE”

“ok but i can hold ur hand”

eddie’s tummy fills with butterflies bc richie is the cutest

richie is sitting on the left side of eddie’s chair as the tattoo will be on his right arm (the outside bicep) and richie can’t see it this way

“ok im gonna start now” leah says

eddie mentally prepares himself

“just saying eddie u can still grab my hand”

and in goes the needle

eddie winces and immediately grabs richie’s hand

“its ok bby” -richie

(<33333: eddie, and me writing this and probably you, reading this)

halfway tru eddie lets go of richie’s hand

“why’d you’d let go are you pASSING OUT”

“no im fine richie your hand is just sweaty”

blushy richie but also upset richie bc >:( why wont eddie hold his hand thru this painful experience >:(

the tattoo hurts of course but it’s not as bad as eddie would have imagined. besides he did get his arm broken by a killer clown so

“oookay!!! it’s done!!!” leah then finally says and eddie whistles in relief

“BOUT TIME I WANNA SEE IT” says richie

eddie gets up and richie grabs his arm gently, staring at the tattoo on it but frowns

“what is it…”

it’s a odd pair of roman numerals

“it’s a date” eddie says

“what date” richie asks

wtf eddie he’s confused he thought you were gonna tattoo like. a squirrel on a skateboard or something

“don’t u know any of the numbers?” eddie asks, he’s waiting for richie to get it

“i know tha one means 1” richie says

eddie smiles

“and that means 2.”

“yes….” his bf is cute when he has his thinking face on

“2…12…” richie frowns

“and what date would that be” eddie asks, amused

“february 12th” richie says

he thinks about it for a moment

then his eyes widen and he moves his gaze up to stare at eddie who’s already staring back into his eyes and has a warm smile on his face

“you….. you… you tattooed the date we moved together….???” richie asks

eddie nods

richie wants to CRY

he can’t believe eddie would tattoo the date he moves together with someone like richie

because to richie it was obviously the best thing to ever happen to him because his childhood home was a hellhole and now he’s living together with his boyfriend who he adores and he couldn’t be happier

but eddie????

THAT EDDIE. would tattoo. a milestone. like that. on his skin. forever

A MILESTONE THAT INCLUDES RICHIE TOZIER

“holy shit” eddie blurts out

“what”

“are you CRYING”

oh how the TABLES, HAVE, TURNED, RICHARD

richie however doesn’t even try to hide it unlike eddie did when it came to the inhaler

“i can’t believe u tattooed that” he sniffs

“well obviously” eddie smiles and wipes a tear from under richie’s eye

“i love u” richie says

“i love u too bunny” eddie says

((bc he might just call richie bunny??? just decided))

then there’s a clear of throat so quickly they turn around and richie wipes some more of his tears away

“im sorry you guys are really cute and everything but i got another customer coming in five minutes so” leah says

“RIGHT. sorry” eddie says and hands the money

thank you’s are exchanged and then the cutest gay couple in town walks out of the shop

“know what richie???”

“what?” richie asks, still taken aback and a little absent because he’s still trying to process how does eddie kaspbrak love him so much

“i think im gonna get a new one next week”

richie stares at him wide eyed

“probably to my other arm or something” eddie casually shrugs

just imagine cute sweet eddie suddenly getting tattoos. imagine cute sweet now tattooed eddie wearing oversized sweaters and smoking cigarettes. and imagine him getting a nose ring. imagine his brown hair getting a lil longer and messier….

because richie did

and now he’s going to pass out

@nopetaking @xbell22 @donthateonk8 @stenbroughbros @reddiebrekmyheart @itsgreywaterrichie @donvex @blueeyespurpleskies @ageorgymi @oh-youre-the-worst@eddiekaaspbraak @whipashwhipash @rissyq @richietoaster @edskasqbrak @waterlouis @wyattghoulef @urtury @bukiminajimu @kcutieeesblog @stansmansuris@adorefack @reddieaddict @icyeyes102@denbroughbill @graveyardshipper @taletellingsir @anxiety-freak-yuuri @rheddie @queertrashmouth @tohzier @richiefreakingtozier

#reddie #punk!reddie #punk!richie #punk!eddie #hcs #it 2017 #it fanfiction #it hcs

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hagiographically · 7 years ago

Text

summer qtr review/thoughts

buckle up kiddos its gonna be long -- this is mainly for my benefit tbh (tw for ed talk but as usual, no detail about behaviors)

but i feel like i tumbled less this summer and tbh i think that is ?? probably good

anyway

the quarter started off horrifically bad because i deteriorated a lot in florence. like, im so happy i went to florence and i experienced so many things and got so much braver and more confident, but i didn’t realize those positive effects until many weeks in, and they didn’t develop fully until i’d left

but i lost like..... at least 15 pounds without trying to or even realizing

surprise! italy is triggering for eating disorders....who knew....not this stanford-educated bitch right here....

anyway i was half dead when i got home to new jersey. i figured this summer i’d have to Actually Recover, and i’d dropped out of my program in south africa to be at stanford, catch up on my major, and get my shit together health-wise

That Did Not Happen, Unsurprisingly

having a disorder means.....the worse u get.....ur brain cares less about recovering....so I hit my lowest weight ever a couple weeks after getting back to ol’ stanf

it sukked cuz summer is triggering because it’s so beautiful and warm outside and like !!! shorts!!! crop tops!!! but anyway i hauled ass to the doctor to make sure i wasn’t going to die

she said “libby you are going to die very soon if you keep doing this”

but!!! that was the go-ahead i needed to flip the switch into Recovery Mode(tm) and i went to cvs the next day and bought hundreds of dollars worth of vitamins and supplements and safe foods because it was an Investment or whatever

and like......it’s been rocky. I’ve slipped up countless times. I gained 10 lbs in the first week and that was super scary lol so I relapsed, and then half-recovered from that, and since then it’s been a tug-of-war with the mental illness goblin

BUT that being said, the whole process has been kind of fun/motivating in a weird way, like I was a scientist and my body was the experiment, and I was just throwing data points into it and seeing what worked.

and ????? Some Things Worked !!! and it really awakens my sense of curiosity to see what things help me-- the nutrition and supplements helped my mood, energy, relationships (kinda? who knows what it would’ve been like otherwise), academics (same as relationships), confidence, etc. it even changed my personality i think, or at least minimized the things i didn’t like about myself and let me cultivate the things i like

like for example, i’m actually.....not an introvert i don’t think? i was talking to my mom about this yesterday -- she thinks she’s a 60/40 E/I and I’m the opposite, so we’re both ambiverts with different leanings. I identify as an introvert because I like solitary activities bc I’m used to being alone, but I realized this summer that.....being alone isn’t always good for me because it awakens mental illness goblin, but also I ??? really like talking to people and I’m good at conversations ??? I met lots of non-Stanf people from going out so much and it was always really refreshing and cool and I got energy from it....definition of an extravert

had conversations that really cemented my current values - got to talk about my classes and how much i loved them, how much the shallowness of bay area tech bothers me, how much i loved italy (florence is so hazy to me rn!! bizarre), regional differences in psychology (my passion tbh) and it just feels so good to care about things wow !! is this what it’s like to be neurotypical? no wonder yall are out there doin it

so I am not recovered in any sense of the word but I am so. much. better. I reduced a hella lot of behaviors, rarely felt depressed, and achieved pretty much everything i wanted, even though this was my sixth straight quarter of college and if i hadn’t done this self-imposed health regimen i don’t think i would’ve died, but i would’ve eroded and probably dropped out of school to go back to residential

should i be getting professional treatment? i think a lot of recovery blogs or experts would say yes, because they’re of the mind you can’t half-recover, and treatment comes before education, etc. and i don’t completely disagree and maybe once i graduate i’ll agree. but. i know that right now i want to be in school. i cannot fully recover on my own, but on my own is the only way i can get pieces of everything that i want.

i’m healthier and happier because i made the best grades i’ve ever gotten at stanford (easy-ass classes for sure, but i’m still glad i performed as well as i possibly could. it’s a point of pride for me that even though my illness can get really severe, it’s never impacted my grades.) and i still did lots of really fun things! it was less social than last summer, where i went out every other day, but i still went to santa cruz beach boardwalk, an ed sheeran concert, a gay club in SF, SO MANY bars in downtown palo alto (at the point where multiple bartenders recognize me), a play in redwood city, coffee shops and dinner dates and sunlit morning walks to class listening to jukebox the ghost and happy-buzzed from green tea.

i’ll just say it, my fashion was kinda lit this summer....i was very physically confident, which is mixed because i might be romanticizing unhealthiness even though i am healthier than before. who knows. i am in transit

i feel like i didnt socialize as much this quarter with my actual close friends but instead met lots of one-time people and like, it was really nice meeting new people, bc when the people are always changing, i can see which elements of me stay the same. and getting to know who i am now is so interesting because tbh?? ive been through a lot this year (and also with, like, life) it’s so weird thinking of myself As A Whole when anything more than a year ago feels like a fever dream or made up story....anyway!

i did get to see my friends fairly frequently and i’m grateful for every time i did because i’m v lucky to have anyone in my life when i change as much as the fricken weather

my friends who loved stanford before are more over it now, and its funny bc i used to hate it but now im used to the school so i dont anymore. im a senior, i know the school well, ive been a member of so many clubs, been to so many on campus houses, explored the area extensively, taken a variety of classes….im not totally out of FOMO but its so reduced that im confident with what ive done there, and my ego isnt as threatened by other people bc i know i have my own kind of value. it doesnt matter if its objective or not bc how i feel is ultimately what matters

like its not all about what i feel if i dont do anything about it. but ive done some stuff! and im trying to make the shitty interpersonal stuff better! its going!

was able to read and write a little bit which is neaterino ! and i liked my job at the library, it was fun and easy

anyway if i think too much about it i’ll trip out because thinking about life sends me into existential despair, but this was a good quarter. up there with sophomore spring for my favorite/happiest/best feeling quarter? probably even better than soph spring because i was sick for most of the spring. every quarter has ups and downs and this was no exception but the downs didn’t feel as debilitating and the air didn’t feel like a fire blanket for once, and now that i have some strategies under my belt i can’t imagine things ever really getting that bad for a while

#THIS IS LONG IM ANNOYING!#writing #stan #idk how i tag these #summer17

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morsenerboy · 7 years ago

Text

An original story that has no title

Im sorry if y'all read this and catch a bunch of mistakes,, ive read over it a bunch of times for consistency errors and stuff of that sorts.

I also want to put out a trigger warning on this for ((SH, SH mention, ED mention)). Please let me know if theres more.

I slammed my foot into the brake pedal. My car skidded. It flippes a u turn and nearly flipped me into a ditch. Tears clouded my sight as i punched the steering wheel. The smell of burning rubber surrounded my car. I sat in the dust enveloped car until it settled down. I opened the door and stepped out into the dry desert air. I walked over to the boot. I popped the trunk and pulled out a blanket. I wrapped it around myself before leaning on my car. I looked up at the night sky. Thousands of little stars decorated the sky like holes in an inky black backdrop. I took a deep breath and got into the back of my car. I pulled out the simple airpump and air matress for a car seat and hooked them up. The air pump made a horrible ruckus whenever it ran. I just went back to stargazing. The back car door was still open as i reclined closer to the boot. I raked my fingers through my hair. I absently rubbed my fingertips over my scars. The many pink and white lines that decorated my forearm told stories. I liked to reread them over and over again until i felt hollow. But this time.. this time i just ghosted over the words, not reading the paragraphs but merely skimming over the pages. Words echoed around my head as pieces of the story splayed out in front of me. Chapters or sentances on repeat for hours. I checked on the filling mattress. It was near done. I closed my eyes, sleep deprivation finally setting in. I turned the pump off and closed the valve on the big sack of air in my back seat. I got in on top of it and closed the door. I locked all my windows and doors then layed down. I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw the colors of the sunrise. I sighed and threw opened the door. I opened the valve on the bed and emptied it of its air. I shoved the pump and the mattress into the foot space of the back seat. I opened the trunk and rifled through my bag for new clothes. I found a t-shirt a few sizes too large and decided to keep my pants on. I pulled off my shirt and tugged on the new one. I slammed the boot closed and got back into the drivers seat. I turned my key in the ignition and pressed the gas. I needed to stop for gas, and soon. I began driving and found the main road again in a few mere moments. I obeyed the traffic laws as i rode up to a gas station. I got out and paid in cash to fill my tank. I grabbed breakfast. An energy drink and a half dozen of donuts. The worker manning the register looked at me odd. Maybe because I look pathetic. My dark brown curls trapped in a bun, inevitable dark circles around my eyes, trashy clothes and a silence that gave people chills. I looked at the guy with quiet grey eyes as i bought my stuff. My body felt sluggish as i walked back to my car. I put the donuts in the passenger seat and grabbed one. I cracked open the drink and downed half of it in one go. I carelessly shoved a donut down my throat. I went for another but stopped when i saw my scarred wrist. I snorted and got back into the seat. I pulled out of the station lot and drove off. Id likely never see this place again. I sighed. I reached over to the dial on my radio and turned it onto a classic rock station. Music filled the car and I relaxed into my seat. I sang along to the lyrics that i knew and played the beat on my steering wheel if i didnt know the song. This is how i was supposed to live. Free. Wings outstretched against the blinding sun. Everything i needed stuffed into my car. No one place for too long. Perfection. I drove into a new city. I opened my wallet and what i saw made me grimmace. Id have to stay in this place for a while to get some money back before taking to the road again. I found my way to a rv home rental place and parked in the lot. I opened my door and took a step out. I locked my doors with the keyfob. I walked into the run down rental office. I pulled my hair out of the bun and let it frame my face gently. I tucked a strand behind my ear before ringing a bell on the counter. A stocky woman walked up and eyed me. “Whats the price?” I asked quietly. My voice sonded strange to myself. Like a mix of rough gravel road with a crushed velvet throw. The stocky woman looked me over. “How old are you, kid?” She asked, leaning on the counter top and getting too close for comfort. “Eighteen, ma'am. How much?” I said, standing my ground. “For a kid like you itll be two hundred a month.” She said, standing back up. I pulled out my wallet. I fished out two hundred dollars and set it on the counter. “Thank you, ma'am. Id like to rent.” I said, running my fingers over a cross-esque shaped scar spanning my left palm. The woman watched me as my fingers glided over the taut skin and scar tissue. She watched me as i exposed my scarred forearm and rubbed the scars there as well. She did something on the computer that i had no interest in then grabbed a set of keys. “Youre going to be renting number 113.” She handed me the keys. “Theres a map thatll tell you where to go. Ill stop by later tonight to see how youre working out here.” I wanted to tell her that wasnt necessary but bit my tongue. I thanked her and walked out. I got in my car and drove to the map. I studied it then drove away slowly. I found number 113 pretty easily. I pulled into the carport and got out. The majority of the people who lived here looked to be elderly. There were numerous younger kids though. The kids all looked to be around 13 to 19 years old. I sighed then made my way up to the door. I shoved the key in the door then turned it. I opened the screen then the main door. The interior of the place was surprisingly clean and comfortable despite the grungy outside appearance. I looked at the couch in the corner and gelt myself grow tired. I laid down on the cushions and fell asleep all too fast. I heard a knock on the door and woke up groggily. I recounted what had happened and why on earth i had rented a place. I opened the door and the stocky office lady stood there with a few bags. “May I come in?” She asked and i nodded silently. I held the doors open for her. The woman only came to stand as high as my collar bones, if that. She stepped in the little house. “RVs 100 through 200 are for kids, like you. Either runaways or something else. I care for half of them. Ill take care of you too if you want me too.” I stared at the woman. “Ma'am thats unneeded. I just need a place to get more money before I get back on the road.” I said quietly and took to examining my hands. “What do you do? What are you planning to do to make money?” “Ill think of something.” I muttered. My mind went to selling art. I had a little bit of art supplies shoved in my trunk. I could paint and sell the products. I could do commissions or– “Whats your name?” “I dont have one. Im restarting my life. I didnt want something tethering me to my old life.” I said, walking through a doorway to the kitchen. I looked it over then sat on the countertop. The woman walked in and set the bags on the counter beside me. “Im Veronica.” She said. “I was a runaway when i was thirteen. I lived on the streets until i was seventeen. Then i got a job and worked to afford a little rental like this.” She gestured to the little house. “I made it my goal to help others that are going through what i did. By the time i was twenty i co-owned this RV park. I was unofficially adopted and my adoptive mother helped me with buying this place. Now im close to fifty years old and i own this by myself.” I looked at her and she nodded to the bags. “I brought you food. You look pretty skinny under those baggy clothes.” Color flushed my cheeks. I nodded. I swalled hard and stared at the woman. “Thank you, ma'am.” “Ill let you get settled in. Dont be afraid to call for me.” She said before turning and walking away. I heard the door close and i closed my eyes. I got off the counterand looked in the bags. I saw sweets and smiled. I opened the container and pulled out a fat chocolate chip cookie. I bit into it and nearly melted. I finished the cookie and put everything in the fridge. I hardly ever ate. I wandered out of the kitchen and down the hallway. I found the bedroom and sat on the matress. It was more comfortable than the air mattress that was for sure. I laid down and fell asleep. I woke up as the sun shown in through the open blinds. I sat up and pulled the sides of my hair back into a ponytail. I walked trough the house and outside. I didn’t bother with putting shoes on. I walked over to my car and popped open the trunk. I grabbed the few canvases and my box of paint and brushes before closing the boot and shuffling groggily back inside. I set the canvases on the counter and grabbed a cookie. I set to work on getting a painting done. I was done before I even realized it. The yellow orange light of the setting sun shone in and painted the canvas with an aura of serenity. A smile turned up the corner of my lips up as i stared at a portrait of a woman. She had big, dark doe like eyes and pale skin, light blonde curls that reached to her sternum, and pale pink lips. It was the one woman i could paint with my eyes closed. I studied a photograph of her to the point of memorizing each detail of her pale, delicate face. My mother. Before I was surrendered to my uncle due to her incapability to raise me. My smile dissipated. I looked at the painting with its uncany resemblance to the woman in the photo. ‘Not my mother.’ I reminded myself. I scowled at the canvas and picked it up, taking it to the living room. I saw a few kids running around outside the trailer. Their laughs were muffled through the door but i could tell they were having fun. I peeked through the blinds and saw a few younger children and a few older ones playing basketball in the road. I smiled, remembering my days off where i would havg out with the neighbor kids. I stood and opened the front door. I let my hair down and shook my head. My hair fluffed then rested at my shoulders. “I need a name.” I muttered as i pulled out a box of smokes. I put a cigarette between my lips and lit it with my zippo. I took a long drag as Veronica walked by. I blew the smoke out of the screen door. Veronica looked in my direction. She shook her head slightly as i brought the cigarette back up to my mouth. “Excuse me, Veronica.” I called throuhh the door. She nodded in my direction and started making her way over. “Smoking isnt good for your lungs, kiddo.” She said and i nodded. “Yeah, im trying to shake the habit.” I put the lit butt out on the outer portion of my forearm. “Oh my god, whyd you do that?” She asked, panic rising in her voice. ‘Dont worry, Miss, it doesnt hurt too much.“ I paused. “I have a favor to ask of you.” She looked at me. “Yeah?” “I need a name. You got a name i could use?” “Do you like Timothy? Or Jackson?” She suggested.

This story is unfinished and i might post an update if its wanted. In the mean time,, check out my instagram for art and more original characters. IG: @/ west_draws

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