#also i've generally been in a better emotional state too! i was able to stop taking my medication that made me suicidal so that's helped

[copiawife]

also i hope you all know that i literally have not stopped thinking about copia constantly since i was gone

[lpsotd]

important announcement part 2: electric boogaloo

greetings tumblr! i haven't made an original post in (i believe) over a month, and i actually didn't plan on making an announcement about my absence at all, for no real reason honestly, i just didn't want to. however, i think i'm correct to assume there's at least a handful of people who have been my curious about my absence, or perhaps wondering why they've noticed a lack of daily littlest pet shops on their dashboard.

this post is going to be long, personal, and serious. i'm going to be talking about myself, my life at the moment, and what i'm going to be doing moving forward.

you can read everything under the cut. i'm providing trigger warnings for suicide and familial death. the first half of this post is where the warnings apply, the other half is about what i'll be doing with this blog and also relates to my internet presence in general.

the latter half of the month of september was extremely taxing on my mental health, the main reason for my mental decline is not something i'm going to touch on here, as it's too personal and there's no reason for me to air out my private business on tumblr.com of all places. all you need to know is that during late september, i was at my worst. i had been trying to push through and continue my life as normal despite the constant turmoil i was in, and i never had the motivation to do anything with myself besides taking a shower, and even then i was rather neglectful of my hygiene. i had plenty of support from those close to me. my mom in particular did her absolute best to make sure i was comfortable and felt loved and cared for, and i did feel that way. however, at this point in my life i was a ticking time bomb and i don't think any one person would've been able to cut any cords to put a stop to the timer.

on september 26th at around 1:45pm, i made an attempt on my life. i'm not sure what it was about that day in particular, but it was then that i decided i didn't want to deal with anything anymore. fortunately for me, i was stupid enough to post what was essentially a suicide note to my main tumblr blog, which friends of mine took notice of. this, of course, worried people and one of my friends called the police to my house. long story short, i spent a day in the hospital and was sent to a psychiatric hospital the following afternoon.

i was in the psychiatric hospital for little less than a week, and if i were to detail my experience here it would make this post at least 3x longer than i intend it to be. (and i do plan on dedicating a large post to it someday) in short, it was an eye-opening experience and i left with a better view on myself as a person. i was discharged on october 3rd and i'm currently in therapy and looking for other methods to help myself.

the doctor at the psychiatric hospital diagnosed me with adjustment disorder with depressed mood, although i'm made to believe i have borderline personality disorder as i get unhealthily attached to people and my entire mood depends on how they interact with me. due to this belief, i'm hesitant to get too close to people because i don't want to risk becoming emotionally attached/dependent on one (1) sole person and my entire mental wellbeing collapsing due to something like us parting ways. so at this moment i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to pursue a romantic relationship.

for the week i've been home, i've been trying to readjust to normal life again after becoming used to the static routine present in the psychiatric hospital. i've found myself becoming easily irritated and overwhelmed by even the slightest bit of noise in my home because the hospital was always so quiet and calm. i'm unsure if this irritability will go away as i become re-accustomed to the semi-chaotic nature of my home.

on top of all of this, my grandfather passed away yesterday and, as of writing this, i'm in a state of emotional numbness and i've somewhat disassociated from the situation. as it stands currently, life doesn't feel too real and i'm uncertain of how i'm going to deal with this when my emotions finally come to the surface.

that's it for the depressing portion of this post. everything from here will be pertaining to the state of this blog, what i'm going to be doing with it, and also my presence on other social medias among other things.

for the past three or so months i haven't felt very compelled to post to this blog. when i went on hiatus a while ago, i thought time away from this blog would reignite my passion for it and i'd be able to come back and do things like i used to. and while that was the case for a while, i quickly lost interest again and sometime in mid-late july i let my queued posts do everything and i barely posted or reblogged anything aside from gofundmes.

while littlest pet shop is still one of my special interests, i'm no longer as fixated on it as i was when i first started this blog. i once debated turning this blog into a catchall for my toy interest and no longer posting daily lps, however that idea no longer appeals to me and i think i'm going to be calling it quits for this blog.

i'm not happy about this decision, but i no longer get joy from logging on and posting to this blog anymore.

i find it foolish to delete this blog and never use it again, though. i still have over eight thousand followers and i believe i should use that to share and bring awareness to donation posts. so this blog will not be going anywhere.

if you want to follow me elsewhere, my main blog is @joplinspiderz and my art blog is @mushyspiderz. i'm trying to put more focus on my presence in art spaces, as i want to get attention for my art and earn money doing things like commissions, as i'm looking for other sources of income so that i can pay for things i need and can stop feeling like a freeloader in my mother's house (that is half of a joke. but i do really want to help my mom with her bills and such as well as my personal things.)

i also have an instagram, threads, and twitter where i will be posting my art as well. the audience i want for my art is people in my age range (18 and older) as i tend to draw things and characters that are suggestive/sexual in nature. all three socials are currently bare (that will change, of course.) the handle for my instagram/threads is joplinspiderz and my twitter is mushyspiderz.

the person i have been portraying on this blog has been a somewhat sanitized version of who i actually am, as i wanted to create a safe and comfortable space for those who age regress because i noticed a good chunk of the people interacting with my posts were age regressers. i'm 18 years old and i enjoy consuming media that is sexual in nature as well as horror movies. i like to include sexual themes in my artwork and my writing as well. you will not find anything outright pornographic on my socials, however sometime in the future when/if i'm able to, i would like to create a patreon where i post nsfw locked behind a paywall (profiting off of horny fools sounds like so much fun /silly)

i sincerely thank everyone who followed this silly little blog of mine and interacted with me. the littlest pet shop community is one of the best fandoms i've been apart of, everyone i've met and spoken to has been so kind. running this blog was also the reason i encountered two people who i consider to be some of my closest and best friends. if i didn't create this blog i'm not sure if i would've met them.

i've always felt joy when opening my inbox here and seeing messages from people who say things like littlest pet shop was a part of their childhood, and that my blog brought them back to their childhood and made them happy. i'm so very glad i was able to give people a sense of joy and nostalgia. running this blog has been a big part of me getting over being seen as "weird" or "cringe" by societal standards. i embrace being seen as "cringe" and i have my rare lps on full display in my bedroom.

again, i thank everyone who followed me here, and if you wish to support me you can follow any of my social medias where i will be posting my artwork. i will be logging on here every so often to boost palestinian gofundmes and donation posts, and i encourage everyone who comes across those to share as well.

that's all for now, farewell. 🩷

[chenkari]

Haven't made a personal post in a long time. I don't use tumblr like I used to, haha. I've been using it a little more lately though.

Bitchin' under the cut. Tw for depression, suicide, whatever.

I'm at a really low point in my life right now. We moved homes and it's been very hard on me. I lived in my old house for 24 years (since i was 5) and it's just very difficult for me to let go. I cry like every night about it, I miss my old house so bad. I'm thankful that I have a place to live and everything but it's just. So fucking hard. I know it'll get better with time but right now is so difficult. Thankfully we're still in the same state, initially my parents wanted to move out of state, so that's a plus. But regardless, we moved further away from my friends and work. My old commute to work was about 10 minutes, now it's 35-45. I hate my job, so having to drive further is like. So fucking annoying. Right now I'm off work on a medical leave, thankfully. I don't think I'd be able to function. I'm farther away from my best friend and while it isn't unmanageable, it's just.... idk frustrating. We've lived close together our whole lives.

I feel so isolated out here, it's further from the cities, there isn't a lot out here. I went on doordash and there were only 3 restaurants and a gift shop lmao. (major gripe: there is no target. im going to KILL MYSELF.)

I contemplated killing myself a lot. I'm so unhappy. I thought about doing it before we left the house. Like, so in a way so I wouldn't have to go. But I'm still alive. I still think about killing myself like every day though, especially at night. I think at night I become more emotional and shit. I'm alone with my thoughts in bed I guess, so I just think about it. I feel like this might be the most suicidal I've ever been in my life, and I've been trying to manage it but i'm struggling. I feel like I'm not even living. I'm just like. Surviving.

Something that has been really hard is like, my dad doesn't give a fuck. I can't be upset about moving in front of him cause he's like, oh my gooood, just get over iiiit. And like, I'm trying. But I'm allowed to be sad and miss my home too. Idk i want to be comforted by my family I guess. He's also just been more mean to me in general and idk why. Like I'll ask something totally... Normal. And he gets all pissed. Like I asked if he could pick up ramen noodles when he went to the store, and he got all pissed off. Like damn, sorry. And the thing is, I don't ask for much. I usually just ask my parents for like. A food item. I did ask recently for one of those mirror cabinets cause the new bathroom here does not have a lot of space. I asked about it again cause he never replied to my text and he yelled at me about that. Like, you can just say no. I just ended up buying it myself. Idk, i just wish he would say no instead of launching into yelling at me about it.

Idk I've just been so depressed lately, I can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just lay in bed. Even things I enjoy. I don't feel like playing games, I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like drawing. I just lay there doom scrolling on twitter. I've been a little better lately, I've been able to get out of bed and get on the computer for a bit. But still I have days where I just lay there.

I don't think i mentioned it on tumblr, but I'm a streamer now, (cringe ass vtuber. very small, not a big deal.) and while I normally like streaming, I can't bring myself to get back into my routine. My streams don't do so well too, so it's a bit disheartening. I'm not the most entertaining, it's my fault. Idk I'm just not very good at chatting about things going on cause I don't really have a lot going on. It's easier when people come watch and talk with me, but I can't expect that of people. I have to be better.

I'm scared about returning to work. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I hate my job so much, it's so fucking much. It's non stop work, no downtime, everything is always broken, and we don't have any appointments for people. (I make dr appointments for my job) All the appointments are like at least a week out and everyone is like "what the fuck" and I can't do shit about it. It's so stressful and idk. I don't want to go back. I've been looking for new jobs but I'm not having a lot of luck.

Tbh though I'm kinda in a tough financial situation right now so if anyone feels up to it, my paypal is https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/chenkari, I could use gas/grocery money. I would appreciate it.

I had to take Venus to the vet, she had an aural hematoma. They drained it, but her ear swelled up again. It is slowly going down now. I wonder how long until she'll be all better. I hope it isn't hurting her anymore. The cats have been good about the move. Sometimes Venus hides though and I can't find her anywhere :C I don't know where her hiding spot is wehh.

Anyways. Guess I just wanted to talk about what I was up to these days. Get it off my chest. Later.

[weightless-feathers]

Theories of Duke's and Kay's powers

After re-watching S1 (again), I've realized some stuff about the abilities of Duke and Kay. Which might explain why Duke is so introverted (and a couple of other things too).

I'd love to hear more thoughts about all of this, so feel free to leave your comments and opinions.

(I'm only taking S1 in consideration, therefore this has spoilers for all S1. Also this might be a bit long; you have been warned.)

DUKE

The way Duke fights and showcases his powers lead me to assume a couple of things:

He is able to, not only control energy, but also recognize and change its properties. This is why he managed to get rid of Selly's G-force Nanobombs, he instructed them to stop working.

He can only do this if the energy is: contained somewhere (the smaller and simpler the container is, the better he can use his abilities), instructed to do something (for example, inside a train the energy has to do certain things, like well, keep them alive), and in direct contact with him.

He is more sensitive than other trains to small changes in the energy around him. Is not just like when, for example, someone sees how much energy other train has left, no, Duke can tell exactly what is going on with them, this is very clear when:

In the middle of the second battle, he was able to tell Kay was reformated, which is weird because in EP3 Selly herself (mechanic and doctor) was unable to guess it just by looking at Kay.

Kay's engine was about to become "strange" before the Other World incident, and he tried to make Kay train with him.

So, where is this going?

I think Duke can literally feel how other trains feel, he's basically an "emotional reader" where, even if he doesn't want to, he can sense the internal state of anyone that's around him. This must be very overwhelming for him, to the point he just doesn't want to be around too much people (also this is why he doesn't show up on the race events as Alf pointed out in EP16, having to interact with some many people must drain him a lot). He sees how others just don´t like him that much, (something that was happening even before the accident), which must be a pain to deal with, especially since he has done nothing to gain such reputation (which he held even before the virus incident). Despite all of that, he still likes to help others, which is honestly very kind of him.

In addition, his base seems to be made to have as less stimulants as possible, no colors, no stuff in general. He already deals with too much changes and feelings, so he needs a quiet and simple place where he can just rest from everything.

Oh and before the incident I'd assume he used his powers for healing reasons, simmilar to what he did in EP29, where he managed to woke up a train by giving him some kind of "electric shock". The virus made him use that ability to damage Kay's engine in a more specifc and dangerous way than any other train could have done, he focused the electric damage in order to burn Kay's engine, or at the very least leave him more exposed to regular attacks.

Though, this power could be the main reason why he survived after the final episode, he managed to wrap the energy around his engine and protect it from over-heating. He must have an insane control over all of his body, which means that he will use the energy in the best way possible, making his engine very efficient, and almost as fast as Kay's.

On the brightside, this means that the trains he actually interacts with (aka Kay and Selly) mean a lot to him. So much so that he can just relax with them, as he knows they care about him and, regardless of how they might feel at the moment, they still respect him as a co-worker and as a friend.

In conclussion, Duke can:

Know how trains around him feel.

Probably guess when someone is lying to him, though he wouldn't have a 100% accuracy.

Heal (and hurt) other trains through energy manipulation.

Control the energy inside himself for efficiency or protection.

KAY

I think that weirdly enough, Duke's and Kay's powers are pretty simmilar, it's just that they're focused on different aspects of the energy. Duke interacts with "living" things, while Kay interacts directlly with the enviroment around him. I'll have to specultae a bit more here since despite everything Kay's properties are more ambigous than Duke's.

From what I can tell, the requirments for Kay to use his abilities are:

The energy needs to be flowing freely, if it's being being used by someone or something (a train, a smaller machine, etc) he won't be able to use it, however this has an excepting which I'll go into later.

He should have his equipment on, otherwise he won't have total control over his powers (this is why he lost control on EP25, rather than enhancing, his equipment seems to lock his whole potential because otherwise he won't be able to use his special capabilities without hurting himself).

Preferibly the energy should be strong and connected to other flows of energy (basically, the more areas that are connected through the tunnels, the more powerful he becomes).

But how does this affect the areas and Kay himself?

First, the fact that he can use and change the properties of abnormal amounts of energy means that he can also change the space (and maybe even time in most extreme cases) he is in, that's why he can open tunnels and connect different areas.

The levels of electric flow of the different zones probably affect his mood and behaviour too. He needs to be in constant movement to maintain his engine functioning correctly, which means that, the more contact he has with different kinds of energy (and areas), the better he feels. He needs adrenaline and stimulants (like training) to be at his best physical and mental capacities. That's why his base is basically a rollercoaster, it just makes the start of his days a little easier.

On a side thought, it appears as if the energy itself seeks for him, he's a pretty much a magnet that can store huges amounts of energy, which would explain how he managed to go back into the rails on EP1 (and EP25) despite being out on outer-space/void.

About him traveling to the Other World on EP25; that's the best example of what happens when he's not in full control of things, Duke was able to tell something was going to happen (due to the things I've mentioned before) and wanted to prevent it, but he didn't thought that Kay would lose control so quickly.

I wonder, if Kay was able to literally rip a whole in space-times and hop to another dimension, what else is he capable of? Are there more trains like him? Is him somehow related to Alpha?

And here comes the exception I talked about a while ago, Kay managed to use Alpha's cargo, or at least the energy inside of him, this was probably because: A. It produced so much energy that it basically became an "area" on it's own, B. For some reason, the cargo allowed Kay to use the energy on it (simmilar to what Duke did when he helped Kay with the Intercontinental Railroad construction).

Conclussions:

Kay not only enjoys adrenaline and training, he needs it to keep his engine (and himself) "healthy".

Kay is more powerful the more energy he has access to (or the more area's energy flows are connected to each other).

Kay can lose control of things unexpectedly.

His engine appears to carry some mystery, and maybe Alpha has something to do with it.

More notes:

All of that was the reason Kay able to hold the energy of all areas and use it in a single attack on EP2, he transformed everything into a huge circuit with him as the "on and off" mecanism.

Before that event, he probably asked Selly and Jeffrey what would happen if he ever did that a movement like that, they probably told him something like -Kay, DON'T EVER DO THAT YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOUR ENGINE IS GONNA GET FRIED! YOU WOULD GET A LOT OF DAMAGE EVEN IF YOU WERE AT YOUR BEST PERFORMANCE.- and then he replied -I'd never ever do that guys, I promise... BUT JUST IN CASE I'M GONNA GIVE IT A COOL NAME!-

And this is were the ability "overdrive" goes into place. I've searched and over-drive has two main meanings, when we talk about machines, is the point of maxium power and/or best use of energy of the engine. If we talk about people, it's the moment where you are left completely exahusted and cannot keep going any longer, basically, you drive yourself to exhaustion. So he literally surpases his engine's regular capacities in order to use all of the areas' electricity, or at least most of it, leaving him too tired to even move after that. That's also why in the second battle Duke apparently drained most of the energy of the available areas, he didn't want to risk Kay doing something simmilar again.

I know I've been hoping through a lot of topics during this analysis, so I want to close it with a more wholesome thought. The kind of bond that Kay and Duke share makes so much more sense to me now, let me explain. Kay is different from the rest because he geniunely needs and enjoys adrenaline and training, that's what his engine demands. Duke needs some distance and a quiet space for him to feel alright, that's just how his powers work.

They understand very well what is like to be pretty different from the average robot-trains, and take time to support eachother as there's no one else than can understand them so well in this specifc aspect of their lifes.

Before the accident, Kay probably tried to do most of the social stuff for Duke (while also giving him), while Duke helped Kay with the most boring and repetitive tasks so Kay didn't get too frustrated.

I like to imagine them having a conversation like this: Kay: "What did I say Duke?"

Duke: "We are not like the average robot-trains..."

Kay: "And?"

Duke: "And... that's okay."

Kay: "AND THAT'S FRICKING AWESOME!"

Duke: "Y-YEAH, yeah?"

Kay: "YES!"

[one-abuse-survivor]

first i want to say, i know you won’t be able to remember or find it because i didn’t sign it or anything, but a long time ago i vented to you about the abuse and trauma i was enduring, and i wanted to let you know that i’m in a much better state of mind now, and i’ve learned a lot of coping skills that have helped me emotionally regulate to the point i can function. thank you for listening to me during that time and being so supportive, it really helped a lot.

now comes a content warning: [mentions of abuse, physical assault, violence, rape]. i’d like to ask your thoughts on something new. i’m a young adult now, been one for years, i’m working on building my own life and everything, have a healthy romantic relationship now and all that. not everything is perfect, but things are pretty good compared to how it used to be. recently, i started having frequent vivid nightmares. it’s not just general scary stuff. i had a dream that a boy i’ve only talked to a few times raped me. he’s never done that in real life. the dream still felt real. i’ve had multiple nightmares about my dad physically and emotionally abusing me and my family. there’s lots of hitting. last night, i dreamt that he was physically assaulting us, and he even choked me out. i thought he was going to try to kill me. the dreams about my dad have relevance to real life, as he has abused us in real life, though not to the level of violence that my dreams have. i thought the nightmares might be part of trying to finally start to recover from long-term trauma. but some of the dreams don’t have anything to do with trauma i’ve endured. they’re always traumatic, but not trauma i’ve had in real life. i really don’t know what to think or to do. i’ve never had nightmares this bad before, not even in the midst of my real-life trauma. it makes it hard to sleep. i even feel afraid to sleep sometimes, like if one wakes me up in the middle of the night, i might try to stay awake because i’m afraid of what else i might experience when i fall back asleep. on one hand i want to know why i’m having so many so often, so that maybe i can use that information to help relieve myself of them. on the other, i want to know how to cope with them. i know they aren’t real, logically speaking, but i am having real, painful emotional and cognitive experiences, so the knowledge that it “isn’t real” doesn’t really help me. i wanted to ask your thoughts on this. thank you again for listening :) i hope you have a great day ♥️

Hi, nonnie! I might not know what your previous ask was, but I'm really glad to hear from you again and to hear you're doing well. I'm really glad to have been of help ❤️

The nightmares you've been having sound horrific, and I'm really sorry you're going through this :(

I can tell you that it's not uncommon to develop new symptoms of (C-)PTSD years after the traumatic events have stopped. So yes, the nightmares only recently starting up can be a PTSD symptom, even if they never happened during the time you went through the trauma. But I'm not a professional, and I can't really tell you why you're having them so often. I can theorise, and say that maybe as you've progressed in your recovery and have started to feel safe in your real life, your subconscious is feeding you horrible traumatic scenarios in an attempt to keep you prepared in case anything bad happens again, like it doesn't want to let its guard fully down yet. But that's just one possible reason this could be happening.

Also, although I've never had a phase of frequent nightmares as severe as yours, I have had many trauma nightmares over the years, and I've also dreamt about my mother doing things she never actually did in real life. So, you're not the only one! And I personally think it makes sense. Dreams aren't coherent or rational, and they naturally tend to mix reality with fiction, at least for me. So I personally don't worry too much about my trauma nightmares being an accurate reflection of the abuse I endured.

As for ways to cope with the nightmares, I'm afraid I also can't be of much help. I can tell you that certain habits can make us more prone to vividly experiencing/remembering our dreams. For example, if you consistently don't get enough sleep, your brain might sink directly into the deep sleep phase when you go to bed, and that can make you more aware of what you're dreaming. On a different note, one thing that used to help me years ago (not with nightmares, but with insomnia) was to fall asleep while reading the most boring books I could find, and not stop reading until I fell asleep. Maybe this could work as a distraction for you, to keep your mind away from replaying your previous nightmares in your mind as you fall asleep.

Is therapy an option for you currently? It sounds like a good therapist could give you some guidance on how to cope with the nightmares, and could also dig deeper into why this is happening and maybe give you some outlets or exercises to work through what's causing them.

I hope things get better soon. Sending all my support your way ❤️

[kyrodo]

If there's anything I learned from 2020, it's take your time with people. Granted I was depressed angry and not in a good mental state back then which is why I ended up in a lot of cyclical rants that I could not stop myself from doing almost every day. But it doesn't change the fact that you can't force your way into someone else's life. You can't act familiar with people you just met or only barely started interacting with. You can't expect welcoming treatment from people that don't want you there.

I had a heart. I fell for someone out of desperation, out of this wanton desire to find someone to fulfill a void left behind by moving away from all the friends I used to hang out with. And that made it very difficult despite all the times I tried to delete or lock my account to avoid stalking the person I liked. The feeling was fresh and strong enough that the curiosity always got the better of me, and my emotional state was in some ways relieved to an extent by being able to see the other person's posts and activity.

It also holds true for EnternodeCS and VeraLycaon and TuccLux that I've had crushes on since that event that I did not attempt to confess to. Whenever I like someone for whatever reason I want to check up on them. And those kinds of activities can be frowned upon and reacted to very negatively, especially once you've worn out your welcome. And being blocked or someone locking their account should ideally be the point at which I stop trying to contact someone. Logically anyway. Emotionally I didn't feel like I had much choice. Emotionally the thoughts were so strong, the curiosities were so strong, and what little signs of interaction we had were so vivid that I had to keep checking if there was anything directed at me. And usually there always was. I had no such similar interaction with any of the aformentioned crushes since then.

The fact that I confessed is also the biggest issue. The fact that I committed and acted upon my feelings and put all my hopes on them giving a positive response. That act alone doomed me to continue, and amplified my emotions out of control. Gave me this spark of hope that was very much ill-conceived. And the fact that I knew so little about the person that I liked did not help my case at all. It put me at the complete mercy of them always being kind with me. And most of the time they weren't. And to be fair I wasn't acting very mature about my feelings nor about the overhead of having an existing mate. I wasn't acting mature in general. Everything about how I was behaving and how I was portraying myself. How extra I was being was extremely unattractive and not indicative of a healthy relationship being able to form from it. And I always went from 0 to 100 in most cases. My anxiety was always on full display. And yet I was still trying to push forth something that I didn't make look feasible. I didn't like all the times I was being blatantly gaslighted but I should've taken that into account before I continued attempting to interact. I should've taken that as a sign that this was not meant to be.

And things obviously went extremely well with Choskey. I still have Red I've been slowly attempting to smooth over Red's side of things more. He acts passive aggressive way more often ever since his father's death. Choskey very much embodies receptive love in every possible way it could be expressed. It's been 2 months and I'm clearly a drug he's addicted to and incredibly happy about. And it's so natural. We can't stop expressing how we feel for each other and that's incredible. Even with Kara, I always felt like I was overdoing it when I always took too long to say good night and tell her my romantic feelings. With Red, it ended up being Red who did most of the love expressing before I could get to it, and that was a welcome change. But trying to do it back was a bit harder because of the dynamic of master and pet and me being the lower submissive one. I couldn't treat it the same way I approached it with Freedom/Kara/Miranthia.

With Choskey it feels so natural. That we can fully express how we feel and do it constantly and just feel happy every time we express it and not feel like we're doing it too much. Choskey again expresses it more than I do but I can approach it in a way that I'm taking care of him rather than being taken care of. And that offers me a way to express love in a way that I can't do as easily with Red. I like having both. I like being on both ends and that's why it's a very good thing that I have them both.

My journey to Choskey's heart took a lot longer than it did with my 2020 crush. I never pushed for anything. I never pushed him into anything. In fact I didn't even confess, it was him that did it instead. I didn't come to him spouting my entire life story to him. He did learn a lot about me, but it was paced. It was bits at a time as we took our time with each other. I've always taken my time with him. I've always held my tongue even when I was mad usually due to his gaming banter. I've always been patient with him, I gave him all these first time experiences and helped him a lot with his class work. But there were no conditions. He stayed in call with me on our discord server of his own accord. Everything we did together was always of his own accord. And that made a world of difference.

In a sense that was indeed what my earlier crush tried to get me to do. Everything was always of my own accord. But I was always punished for it, in excess. Sometimes without any warning, sometimes with every sign that things were going to go well by the crush themselves beforehand in the indirect ways we communicated. But I can see a lot of problems in the way that I was acting to the point that sometimes it's easy to see why. Why I was such a volatile thing to juggle around for them with these grandiose reactions to everything expressed in overly extra ways.

I was very careful with Choskey. So careful. So mellow. So toned down, so down to earth, so simple and straight forward and always so polite and kind. To the point that besides my imperfect gaming skills, I was basically perfect to them. The person that I wish I could've been far earlier I get to live out and see how much better things really are. Choskey is easier to deal with than Ult in a lot of other ways including overall temperment, but the biggest thing is I was better. I was always a good friend to him. I always took my time with him. I was always patient with him. I was always easy to talk to and share everything with. I always listened to him.

I always did my best for him. I always tried to show my best side for him. And even when I was mad at him, I displayed it in a way that made him think more about his side of things rather than mine. I always pulled my punches, show self respect but kept my doors opened rather than closed. And from that true love grew. I excite him every time I speak. He loves every little thing about me so wholly and so fully. He embraces me so readily and so strongly. I proceeded in a way that Red could still be with me. And I've more than outdone myself. And there is a solid path forward. And I've experienced immense happiness. These feelings are so raw and so powerful and so received and welcome. I feel the butterflies inside and they glow so warmly, so vividly. And it is so clear that we can get along so well, gaming banter aside. It is so easy to be around him and bask in this deep romance with him. It is so easy to excite him and press his buttons too. We are meant for each other. I've wanted this so bad, and he's wanted this for his entire life. And I can be the one to love him.

It is very clear to me everything that went wrong on either side of things back then, but there are things I can do for myself that make things socially so much more successful. Always take your time with people, and never try to be where you don't belong. Kindness, patience, flexibility, understanding, communication, these are all things that you can't do without when you want something to go well. Things you need in abundance. And to Choskey I embody every single one of those things. What little competition I had fell away very quickly and this is very much why. Our love is so incredibly secure that we would stick together in multiple lifetimes. And this is how it's done. There's literally nothing I could do better. And it's sustainable, it feels so natural, it's easy, it's satisfying, and this is my life now.

[selormohene]

day 144 (friday, november 24th 2023)

I remember when I used to go out, early in college, and the music hurt my ears, or when I started losing sleep and not being able to function. I realised of course that I was sensitive to loud music, and that I couldn't function on fewer than eight hours of sleep and sometimes needed significantly more. But, for some reason, I didn't take either of these things seriously enough in deciding what to do; I continued to go to parties where the music hurt my ears, and was rather often too cavalier about my problems with sleep (though I did somewhat better in this regard).

Part of my reasoning process — "reasoning" process — was as follows. I looked at the people around me who were doing the same things — going to the same parties, running on the same sleep deficits. I figured, "well, they seem to be doing fine, and so the chances are that I'm making too much of a big deal about this, rather than that everyone's doing fine and I'm the only one being uniquely affected by this." Of course none of this makes any sense. For one thing it may have been that people were not doing fine, but that they simply couldn't tell, or that they'd been functioning in such a state for so long that they'd forgotten what it was like to function with better hearing and better sleep. The second thing, of course, is that there was no reason to believe that I was perfectly similar in all relevant respects to them, at least in this regard. The odd thing is that I had, in fact, always thought that there were things that set me apart from many of the people I met in college, that I was able to see things and think in ways that they couldn't, and for whatever reason I didn't ever stop to ask myself whether my unusual sensitivity in these domains might not be related to my sensitivity to loud music, or to lack of sleep — I assumed that I could simply put myself through the same things without losing the gifts I had.

Anyway, that didn't work out very well, and ever since I started college I've felt a steady decline in myself. Much of it has been of my own doing, although there are so many things which, though they're in some sense of one's own doing, are also such that the causal chains set into motion by the acts that created them are so convoluted and diffuse that one cannot say, in the end, what one has done to oneself. But you have to learn at some point to understand what makes you who you are — among other things, what makes you different from other people — and to trust your sense of who you are. And this trust has at least two components: you have to be confident in your knowledge of what makes you special, resisting the voices in your ear that tell you that really you're no different from everybody else, and you have to value who you are, both in your emotions and with your actions; you have to defend your right and your ability to do what works for you even if it feels weird, or even if people seem to be looking at you funny. The truth is that people generally take the versions of ourselves we present to them for granted. It's easy to forget this, and to present to them the version of you that you think they want to see, but this merely gives over one's responsibility for oneself to others — worse, to the idea one has of others in one's head. These are all reminders to myself, and it's weird that I can see these things with such clarity and elaborate on them in such detail, and yet find them difficult to follow when it comes down to it. But hopefully the more one reminds oneself of certain things the more one moves, even if only so slightly, in the direction of living in accordance with them.

[ofseptarsis]

The moments between Tófi's offer and Menodora's response are filled with silence -one slightly tinted with awkwardness at first but that slowly becomes rather pleasant, at least for the Septarian.

Moon, meanwhile, seems terribly tired: more than Tófi can remember seeing her before.

Her magic had been imperfect, unpredictable, born out of extreme emotion instead of being the kind of perfectly honed sum of all the complex little elements that generally composed the other's Light, that made it look and feel refined and could turn it not only into a weapon but also a functional piece of art-

The practical and spiritual antithesis to The Monster Carver's personal brand of magic

-to ignore a life of training herself to control, to display her magic in such a way must have taken a not only physically but spiritual toll that, coupled with her original predicament had surely finished extinguishing whatever energies she had in the first place (that hadn't been spent mortifying over illusions).

"Min kære" they echo "there was not such thing as last time"

It's maddening to see her cling to the dream even now.

'But it must also be maddening to not be able to find respite inside your own mind without being exposed to terrible scenarios' Tófi thinks 'as if the waking world was not merciless enough'

It was...pitiable, for the lack of a better word, but there wasn't a thing anyone could do about it; Swynlake would continue doing as it did, probably out of sheer instinct, probably as part of a bigger magic process that the Septarian ignored, and Menodora would have to either learn how to deal with her psyche being weaponized against her or how to stop dreaming altogether.

Sink or swim.

To cling to things or to let go.

"I do not fear you" they casually add "you may try to claw one of my eyes out, or rip my heart from my chest, but they will grow back in due time. You cannot harm me in a way that matters"

But that is a lie, and both of them know it: the lack of one of their fingers is the constant reminder that even if their Monstrous nature had given them an advantage against their opponents, it was not infallible.

That she, of all people, could harm them.

The mere possibility of permanent damage had been all it took to dissolve their armies.

And yet, there is truth hidden in their words.

They do not particularly fear the Undaunted Countess-

-for the thing that they'd felt both of the times she's really attacked them has been closer to fondness than dread.

'You really don't have to, Tófi' they insist, evidently trying to power trough tiredness and what may be indignation courtesy of their previous words.

"Do not pout, Diamanter" the Monster admonishes in a vaguely playful tone as they take a step closer to her, both hands behind their back "it is terribly unbecoming"

Endearing, too, but they would never admit to it out loud.

'Really. I've stabbed you and you're the one offering me Ibuprofen. That hardly seems fair, now does it?'

"And I have already healed from it" Tófi concedes "while the damage my words might have caused will remain, so, no, I would not say it is fair"

That had been the whole point.

"Fine, you can walk there, then, I will guide you to the master bedroom" it's a good compromise, that way she'll retain some of her dignity and they won't have to exert themselves just to get them from point A to point B "follow me"

They take a couple of steps forward, stopping in their tracks just to make sure that she's able to follow in her current state-

'Fuck det'

-and they end up extending an arm, reaching first for her wrist, then her hand once her movements had made evident that she could use some help.

"I will do my best to not start any fights when you are obviously too tired to begin with, in the future. This situation is terribly unfair"

Not a victory they could be proud of.

"But you will have to promise to try to rest, really rest, in return -how does that sound?"

@menodoramoon

genfødte sandheder || Tófi & Moon

[90363462]

Getty Images

Wanna Climax More? KISS MORE.

One of the easiest ways to intensify your orgasms is between your lips...and theirs.

Shellie R. Warren

Oct. 22, 2021 04:34PM EST

Kissing is such a fascinating thing — to me. The reason why I say that is because, if the person you are exchanging a kiss with is someone who is good at it, it can be the sexiest, most special and most exhilarating thing ever. On the other hand, if they aren't so good — it's just gross. I don't know about y'all, but kissing is such a big deal in my world that I once broke up with someone, in part, because they totally sucked at doing it. It was like, no matter how hard I tried to explain to them what I needed in order to feel like we were in "kissing sync", they would continue to go off and do their own thing. All over my face (yuck).

Hmph. One day, maybe we'll talk about how a lot of people's kissing techniques can explain how they get down when it comes to communication and connection, in general (chile). For now, I'll just say that if you've got someone who is a great kisser in your life (the "Usher kind" and otherwise #wink), don't take them for granted because not all kissers are created equal. Oh, and if you're looking for an orgasm hack that has quite a bit of scientific proof to back it up, that's another reason to kiss more often because, from what I've read and researched, a gateway to more climaxing is definitely more kissing.

How Kissing Emotionally Improves Sex

Can people have great sex without an emotional connection? It's been known to happen. Still, even with the individuals I know who are huge casual sex fans, whenever we engage in semi-deep chats, something that they all have told me is that sex is so much better when there is an emotional bond between them and their partner. Something that emphasizes that kind of bond and even helps to cultivate it is kissing. I've actually checked out a study that said the frequency that two people kiss can actually reveal quite a bit when it comes to how relationally and sexually satisfied they actually are with one another.

While I do think it's interesting that this study also stated that men find kissing to be more essential at the beginning of the relationship as well as it being an act of foreplay while women believed that kissing is important all throughout when you really stop to think about it, how could kissing not help to cultivate a stronger emotional bond which could make sex so much better in the long run? You've got to get close to kiss and, if you do it all of the time, there's got to be some strong chemistry, good energy, and a real connection that you feel with your partner. Otherwise…why would you do it?

How Kissing Physically Enhances Sex

When I was in college, I used to hear quite a bit of people (men and women alike) talk about how they could have sex and not kiss during the act. Then I wrote an article for this platform where some people told me that they could do the same thing (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"). Chile, I can't even remotely relate because, to me, kissing is what arouses me to want to get closer and go deeper…if you know what I mean. Science backs these sentiments too.

For one thing, kissing triggers the brain release of natural "feel-good hormones" like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. And when I mean "feel good", I mean that they can make you hornier and even cause you to feel somewhat euphoric. Kissing also reduces your cortisol levels and I think we all can vouch for the fact that the more relaxed we feel, the more we're literally able to take it all in (pun intended) which makes for a much more pleasurable sexual experience. Also, kissing increases your heart rate. As a direct result, your blood vessels dilate, all over your body, which can result in more sexual stimulation and more intensified orgasms.

Also, because one of the things that saliva has in it is testosterone and that is a sex hormone booster when you're kissing your partner, it can trigger its level as well. Oh, and if you've got a headache? One way to ease it is to kiss because kissing lowers your blood pressure which results in less head tension.

Gee, if you put all of these things together, how could it not be extremely obvious that kissing is an activity that can physically get you interested in having sex and keep you totally and sensually involved before, during, and after the act is done?

How Kissing Can Make Orgasms More Possible and Intensifies Them

Here's a point that just might be your "something new" for the day. OK, so a man's penis has around 4,000 nerve endings in it. Your clitoris? About twice that many. Bookmark that. Interestingly enough, when I was asking a male friend of mine to explain to me what an orgasm felt like to him, he said that rubbing my tongue along the inside of my cheek was the closest he could come to defining it. And looka here — word on the street is that our lips are 100 times more sensitive than say, our fingertips. In fact, I once read that, according to the Kama Sutra, our lips "mimic" our vagina with our lips representing our labia, the "dip" of our upper lip representing our clitoris, and the palate above the top of our front teeth representing our G-spot (very interesting). If you add to all of this the fact that kissing involves, shoot, all of our five senses, on some level (taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing), I totally get how kissing can make an orgasm happen — or that it can cause the ones that are happening to go to even greater heights!

Matter of fact, I can raise my hand in this class and say that there have been a few men in my past who were such kissing masters (and our connection was so "there") that I was able to have an orgasm, just by kissing alone. And boy, is it something to behold. BE. HOLD. And again, that would make complete and total sense if our lips are way more sensitive than some of the other parts of our body — parts that we may even consider to be erogenous zones.

Honestly, I don't know what else to tell y'all other than, if you either struggle with climaxing or you want the ones that you do experience to go another level, kissing more often, more intently, and more intensely could be the solution that you've been looking for. So, next time that you're about to get it on and in, focus on kissing more — not just as a way to get things started but to keep things going. You might just be surprised how it makes you feel…head to toe. Quite literally.

Featured image by Giphy

[darthkruge]

Hi! I've seen that in your recent post you've been trying to make characters more gender neutral which I think is awesome! I'm gonna try and make my request gender neutral as well! I was wondering if you could do a criminal minds imagine (I'll let you choose the character that you wanna write it for cus I love Morgan, Hotch, and Reid equally) where the reader was taken by the unsub but they found her right before the unsub tried to (tw) k!ll the reader. If possible can the end be kinda fluffy♡

Spencer Reid x Reader ~ Maybe

Summary: The classic kidnapping fic where the reader is taken by the unsub and Spencer finds them. Fluffy, comfort-filled ending <3

Warnings: Angst, language, violence, blood, guns, knives, torture, near-death experience, kidnapping in general, (happy ending I promise)

Words: 2.2k

A/N: Hey!! I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me for taking so long to get to this!! And thank you for making your request gender neutral, too! That’s so thoughtful and sweet! And I decided to go with Spencer, although I also love them all. And yes the end will definitely be fluffy, as the angst with a happy/fluffy ending is basically my brand at this part. Thank you for requesting and, again, I’m so sorry for making you wait, I hope you like this!

You woke up and could only register pain. Well, pain and cold. Mind numbing, cuts to your bones, pierces your brain, cold. You tried to look around and get a sense of your surroundings but it was so dark; you could barely make out the shadows in the room, let alone any defining details.  

Judging by the old, dirty smell, you guessed you were in a barn or shed somewhere. You had no idea where; the asshole must have knocked you out. You’d been working the case for weeks. The team thought they found some DNA and were tailing the guy, but it didn’t pan out and, since then, the trail had basically been cold. But then you finally figured out what number to trace, cracked his encoded router, and got a license plate and ID. George Craig. On your way to tell the team, he had messed with your car and was able to jump you. Fuck, you hated him. 

Even so, you refused to give up. You had faith in your team and, most of all, you had faith in Spencer. Your brilliant, gorgeous boyfriend. You loved him more than anything and there was no one in the world you’d want on the case more than him. You knew the team was already looking for you, as it was only 10am when he got you and it was probably at least 7pm now, judging by the temperature and darkness. 

You tried to move your arms but your shoulders screamed in protest. You felt the chains around your legs and the handcuffs binding you to a pole above you. Judging from the pain, your shoulder was almost definitely dislocated. You were sitting at an awkward angle and could already feel your joints tightening. The frigid air definitely wasn’t helping, making your muscles contract and body stiff. 

“Hello, Agent L/N”

Your entire body stilled at that moment, sheer panic running through your veins. Stay calm, Y/N, stay calm. You tried to will air into your lungs, forcing deep breaths even though the terror was screaming at you to close up. You knew this man fed on fear and, thus, your best chance of survival was to pretend you were unphased. Even so, the logic felt severely discomforting with him standing above you, knife and gun in hand. 

“George. What the fuck do you want from me?” Your voice was venomous, the pure hate for him clearly pictured on your face. You decided that if an emotion was going to show, you preferred hate to fear. 

“My, my, my, look at you! I thought you were supposed to be smart. Or is that trait left for your boyfriend. Agent Reid, was it?”

Your blood ran cold. “Leave him out of this.”

“Ohhh, looks like I’ve hit a nerve, haven’t I?” The man had a horrifying smirk on his face, clearly enjoying your struggle. 

You glared at him. “You never answered my question”

“Oh, yes!” George chuckled, “What the fuck do you want from me?” He said, mimicking your voice mockingly. “To kill you, of course. To take you away from Spencer, from the team. To make them feel the pain of losing someone, just like I lost-” 

He trailed off and you saw his eyes burn with anger. And under that anger, you knew there was pain. Even so, you couldn’t feel bad for this man, regardless of who he’d lost. You knew that at the slightest hint of your empathy, he’d take advantage of it and kill you on the spot. 

“You know what? Death would be too easy for you. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be begging me to put you out of your misery. Then, and only then, will I shoot you. I will watch the blood run out of the bullet hole and smile, knowing the pain I caused you and your precious team.”

You wanted to cry, the fear pulling at you. Once again, you pushed it down and channeled your rage. Rage because you were in this situation. Rage because this man had ended so many lives. Rage because you were powerless right now. Rage because holy fuck your shoulder hurt. Gathering the fury, you spat at him. 

George’s mouth twisted into a sneer as he brought his leg up and slammed it into your chest. You heaved, the wind knocked out of you. Before you could grasp the air you so desperately needed, George kicked you again. And again. And again. You could feel the bruises forming, your ribs throbbing painfully.

He pulled his fist up and pummeled it into your cheek. Your left cheekbone busted open on impact and your lip split as he backhanded the other side of your face. He slammed the butt of his gun into your temple and your vision swayed, body crumpling as far in on itself as it could, given the restraints. 

He kicked at your legs repeatedly, both of them twisting at painful angles. You felt yourself start to black out, the pain unbearable. Every inch of your skin was ablaze, every muscle felt like it had been sledgehammered. Your bones ached, your body numb from his onslaught, the freezing cold, and the restrictive bonds you’d been in for hours. 

Finally, he took a moment to stop. He looked at you, at your barely conscious and recognizable state. You were beaten to a pulp, your face and body bloodied and broken. You could feel yourself wanting to give in but forced yourself to stay. For yourself, for Spencer, for the team. For that future you always talked about with him. For the house you were saving for, for the dogs and cats and animals you might one day get. For the family you might decide to have. For the idea of peace, you fought. 

George picked up the gun and pointed it at your head. A shot rang free and you braced yourself, a single tear running down your cheek as you realized you would never see your love again. Your ears rang and you felt like time had slowed. You knew the bullet would hit you. Until-

“Y/N, Y/N!” Your name was being called, the gentle yet panicked voice cutting through the ringing in your head. You tentatively opened your eyes and saw George’s body on the floor, blood oozing out of him. You slowly moved your eyes around, trying to take in your surroundings. 

Everything was overwhelming. Nothing was registering properly in your brain. It was just sounds filtering in an out, vision flickering. You felt like you were floating through the ringing in your ears. Tears ran down your cheeks as you shook. You didn’t know why you were shaking. The cold. The shock, you reasoned. Both seemed likely. It was like there was an overwhelming sense of calm. Your body was shutting down. Somehow, this gave you understanding. 

You felt the handcuffs around your wrists release and your arms dropped limply. You knew you should feel pain from your dislocated shoulder but, instead, you just let your eyes closed and felt your body fall. The last thing you remembered was coming into contact with a Kevlar vest, messy brown hair, and a familiar sense of warmth. 

When you awoke, you felt yourself being gently jostled. Your eyes slowly opened and you took in him. Spencer was looking at you, concern evident on his features.

“Hi.” You said, voice hoarse. 

“Hi, angel. Let’s get you inside, alright?”

You nodded, allowing him to help support your weight as you stepped out of the car. You leaned heavily into him, your legs badly injured. Spencer wrapped his arm snug around your waist as the two of you slowly but surely made it into your shared apartment. 

He helped you sit on the couch before moving to join you. 

“I’m surprised they let you take me home. I thought I’d wake up in a hospital, for sure.”

“They did take you there, love. You were at the hospital for a few hours but you were in and out of consciousness. You’ll heal, don’t worry. A few broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, severe bruising, sprains on your legs and ankles.”

“Plus a busted face” You add drily.

 Spencer wasn’t amused by your attempt at sarcasm. Instead, he just pushed your hair behind your ear and leaned in, pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I should have gotten there sooner, I should have been with you! If I was there, if I was quicker-”

“Spencer, please don’t blame yourself for this! No one could have known. Besides, you saved me. And I’m not just talking about that in the literal sense. When he was beating me, when I was broken down, I thought of you.  I thought of our future, our dream. Holding onto that is the only reason I didn’t give up.”

Spencer’s eyes were filled with tears as he went to gently cup your face. He couldn’t find the words to express the love and relief he felt. “I’m just glad you’re back in my arms” 

You moved to hug him but winced. Even though the doctors had patched you up pretty well, the soreness and pain lingered and probably would continue like that for at least the next couple of days. 

“Hey, it’s alright. Let’s go to bed. I think you’ll feel better once you lay down, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” You followed him into the room, holding his hand the entire time. Spencer noticed but didn’t mind, he knew you were just looking for comfort, exceedingly normal for what you’d just gone through. 

You laid down, settling against the pillows and fluffy blankets Spencer had prepared for you. 

“Do you need anything, baby?”

“Water?”

“Of course.” He smiled at you before moving to get up but you quickly grabbed his hand, panic overtaking you at the thought of being alone. You looked at him helplessly, hoping your gaze would convey the words that died on your tongue. 

Spencer nodded knowingly. He helped you out of bed, pulling you along with him as the two of you went to the kitchen. He wordlessly got you the drink, making sure to keep touching you the entire way. Finally, you made it back and the both of you crawled into bed. You laid on your uninjured shoulder, placing your cheek on Spencer’s chest. His arm came around you, holding you to him and drawing soothing circles into your skin. 

You closed your eyes and were immediately sent back to the shed. You tensed, pulling back. Spencer caught on and looked deeply into your eyes. “You’re safe now, Y/N. He can’t get to you anymore.”

“I know. Rationally, I know. But my brain won’t shut off. It’s like, whenever I’m not actively thinking about something else or looking at something else or hearing something else, it just comes back. Spence, I can’t- I can’t sleep. I just, I’m sure it’ll come back to me tonight.” Your voice broke, tears spilling onto your cheeks. “I don’t think I can handle reliving it and I’m so fucking exhausted. But I can’t rest because I can’t escape the nightmares.”

Spencer wanted so badly to comfort you but didn’t know what he could do. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t take the pain away. He wished he could put the trauma onto himself but, unfortunately, he was powerless. Thus, he offered understanding. He gave validation. He gave kindness and pure, nonjudgmental love. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m here for you and I know that doesn’t do much right now but I am. I’ll be here when the nightmares come and I’ll be here when the flashbacks try and drag you under. I’ll be here when the trauma starts to fade but suddenly reappears and I’ll be here 20 years from now, when the memory will still be real and painful but not all-consuming. I’ll be here forever, I’ll be here always. Please, tell me what to do to help you.” Spencer begged, hoping beyond all hope that there was something he could do to ease your suffering.

“Read to me?”

“Wha- what?”

“Read to me.” You repeated, more assured this time. “I’m thinking that if I can hear your voice, maybe it’ll drown out my brain. Or something. I don’t know. I just want to hear your voice, it’s soothing. Please?”

Spencer was taken aback. He didn’t think something so simple could help you. He didn’t know his sheer presence brought you that much serenity. “Yeah, of course. Of course! Yeah, any preference?”

“Not really. Whatever’s here?”

“Okay, love.” Spencer picked up his current read and began in the middle. You felt the rumble of his chest, the vibrations of his voice and felt more at ease. The anxiety was still there, the panic never far away. And yet, curled into him, his breath tickling your ear, his body warming yours, it suddenly felt alright. Like maybe you hadn’t gone through some life-altering trauma. Or maybe you had but your life wasn’t over because of it. Maybe you’d heal. Maybe, if you could find a moment of peace now, you’d find more later. Maybe? Yeah, You thought. You could work with maybe.

--

i just made a taglist so if you want to join, go ahead!

tags: 

@saltybreaddream

[iknowicanbutwhy]

Heads up we got an

Adult Hikikomori Sunny AU

I've been waiting to find an AU after the neutral end of the Hikikomori route for a while. What happened to Sunny? How did his life go on after that? Did he go to college? Did he get a fulltime job? Did he figure out what he wants in life?

these are all very good questions because literally anything could be the case. So this AU is just gonna be stuck in a hospital setting for a while.

Here's what I got so far:

Past:

Hospital Psychiatrist (practicing? Training?) Doctor Hero

I imagine after Basil's death, Hero would (eventually) turn to learning how to identify and help people with suicidal tendencies, if he's gonna be a doctor anyway.

In a choice between psychologist and psychiatrist, Hero went psychiatrist. Hero's parents would pressure him into getting a more lucrative job. PLUS psychiatrists go to college for 8 years, then take four more of psychiatry residency. Hero might feel just a little more accomplished, just a little better about himself for earning a higher degree, just to reassure himself that he's working hard and doing his best towards helping people.

Hero did extra studying in psychotherapy. He tried doing it at the same time as he did medical college. He's not.. the best at it because of that, for several reasons, but he knows it's better to combine medicine and conversation. When he has his head on straight, he can manage it.

I have.. no idea whether to put Hero into practice or residency. He'd have to be at least around.. 31, if he were in practice. That's a long time to have unresolved trauma. That's a nice hunk of research i gotta do.

That's it that's all for Hero. His goals are set in the present and focused around other people, as per usual.

Sunny is... not doing so well. He lied about going to college when he moved into some hole far away from his mother. He has no reason to get up in the morning when he can just lie around. He doesn't enjoy whatever hobbies he used to have.

He doesn't even know Basil is gone and he's so bad off.

He's honestly convinced himself that he doesn't care about anything. He still cares about people, however. He'd have stayed with his mom and burdened her with himself if he didn't. When they had moved from Faraway, it was to a cheaper, smaller place. That meant Sunny's mom didn't have to work so much. That meant more time with Sunny. He decided it was.. preferable not to stay.

The only times he does anything is when he tries to remember the past and relearn the person he used to be. What did he do? What did he like? He'd play games, and read comics, and would get frustrated? move on to something else when those did nothing for him, searching for.. some feeling to occur. And then he'd question why, why, why.

Why can't he enjoy anything? Why does he want to feel enjoyment? Why can't he just do something and be happy? Why can't he just do nothing and be fine? Why does he need to exist? Why does he want to move? Why does he want, but can never have, can never get by himself?

If there's nothing he can do, then what is he waiting for?

Vague memories would become clearer with introspection, until he would feel something, finally. An old guilt aching from deep inside his bones. A haunting self hatred, ripping away whatever minuscule strength his limbs had to try anything fun. A sense of iron resignation blanketing and anchoring his body, reminding him that it's much too late to try getting up now. Ironically, apathy got him up in the morning, as much as it keeps him from enjoying anything enough to stay up.

He was always a little too thin, but he used to force himself to do things like eat and work enough to survive. Mostly because to sleep means to not have headaches, and to not have headaches means to eat well enough, and to eat well enough means to have food, and to have food means to have money from a job.

But it's not as if he was all too desperate to sleep, anyway. His dreams have stayed the same for years. They're more eventful and colorful than bland reality, but it's a mix of the same thing every day. Staring at the swirling kaleidoscope of his dreams is exactly like observing the same beige ceiling for hours on end, until it all mixes together into the same shade of empty grey.

It probably doesn't help Sunny's mood that he thinks dramatic things like the previous point, just to pass time.

He only got worse once he was forced to move into one of those really bad apartments. You know the ones, with the rusted metal stairs nobody wants to risk their life on, and practically no privacy with four-to-five thin-walled neighboring rooms, and bad heating in one corner of the apartment. But it was cheap. Too bad he had to go up and down the stairs all the time.

He didn't have a problem with them when he just moved in. Generally, the most he notices is starting at the top, teleporting to the bottom, and a slight shaking of his hands that he barely glances at with empty curiosity.

As it is, some part of him knew this was going to happen. That he'd have one of those terribly introspective weeks, when he just so happens to have his new job with a boss ready to fire him and his sullen face and poor (somehow complete neutrality is offensive) attitude. He's emotionally vulnerable, and the memories on top of the stairs are devastating.

A week goes by. He's fired. He doesn't look for another job. He hasn't gone for groceries in a while. He's exhausted.

He was waiting for death, he guesses. He still wants, still feels that urge in the buzzing of his fingertips, the ghost of movement from his limbs, the phantom shiver in his back - the intent of every muscle in his body one after the other pleading with him to move, but never all at once - and Sunny laments that the human body is pretty stupid. Moving wont help. What would he do, make the end come quicker? He's already thrown away too many chances for that.

He'll stop wanting once he's gone. That's what happens when you get what you want, right?

His landlord finds him. He forgot the rent. He's taken to the hospital. Ugh.

Present:

Sunny is stunted and underweight. He wears baggy shirts stuffed into slightly less baggy hoodies, and sweats. Warmth. He couldn't find his hoodie after they took it off to put in an IV on his first trip to the hospital.

Usually nurses do things like bring food to patients, but Sunny only ever interacts with Hero and Hero wants to make sure Sunny is okay anyway. Not that it's much easier for Hero to encourage Sunny to eat.

Sunny stresses Hero the hell out. But Hero kinda missed Sunny, and his depressing and concerning reappearance brings with it a deadpan, world-weary, often childish humor that fails to take anything seriously when everything in Sunny's situation should be taken seriously. It's as much a relief as it is incredibly frustrating. Some days Hero loves it. Some days it makes him angry. Some days it makes him want to cry.

I tried doing research into the conduct Hero should display regarding patients/clients in general but it just. Any professionalism quickly devolves between him and Sunny.

As in, at one point, him and Sunny were whaling on each other about having no lives. Hero felt really bad afterwards; he had no idea what came over him. It was a great way for both of them to let out some hidden frustration, though, and they turned out fine afterwards. They even lowkey pick on each other every now and again.

Sometimes one or the other gets a bit too accurate in their teasing, however.

Psychiatrists are supposed to be able to understand, diagnose, and treat mental, emotional and behavioral disorders. So, if Hero were a completely capable psychiatrist, which he is, he wouldn't break down in front of his client. But Hero's late teenage years are wrought with so much grief and trauma, so to see Sunny and not just another client in this state is.. something i imagine he'd break down about eventually. There's also the fact that Sunny is mostly closed off to any help, which only makes things harder.

Hero is trying his best, but after years of never understanding why Mari died, years of thinking and wondering and second-guessing himself, years of guilt after never visiting Basil before he died, years of doing what he was told was "best" yet failing in what's most important to him (his friends) - his best never feels good enough around Sunny. It feels too little, too late. For this reason, and possibly because even if Hero were able to keep himself together he may just not be the right psychiatrist for Sunny, it would be better for him to find another psychiatrist for Sunny. He won't, though.

Hero really needs some time to himself to just think, or perhaps he needs someone else to talk to. Kel is nice, but Aubrey would have better experience handling emotions.

I have a very limited idea of what Aubrey and Kel are doing. Aubrey is a childcare instructor to parents and works in child services. She has studied child psychology. She has studied how childhood affects adulthood. Kel's off trying to make a name in basketball while giving kids high fives and heartfelt support.

Hero, in fact, does not like to be called Dr. Hero, but his shyness (feeling of unworthiness) about it only endears everyone to call him that more. He tells the kids that everyone calls him Hero, but the adults merely find out from the other doctors and nurses. Hero tried introducing himself as Henry to the other doctors, but Kel told them his nickname, and it stuck for obvious reasons.

Sometimes, on days when Hero has to wear his lab coat, he ties it around his neck like a cape. The kids like it, say it makes him look like a superHero.

Hero doesn't really cook. His schedule is always too busy to make anything that isn't quick. But he does eventually figure out that cooking for Sunny is the best way to entice him to eat, so when he makes something, he makes enough for both of them. They eat together.

Hero had to gather Sunny's change of clothes from his apartment when he found out that the reason Sunny has been in the same clothes for the last week is because he's had no one to visit him. Not even his mother. Why?

[klarolinelibrary]

Hi KC readers,

We have decided to create a list of KC stories that were updated during the week which we plan to share every Friday. This is one of the ways we plan to promote different KC authors and stories in our community. 

For our first weekly releases, we have collected stories on FFN and AO3 that were updated during the week of April 16 - April 10! We hope you enjoy the new stories.

Happy reading!

FFN

He's got you mesmerised (while i die)

Author: klavscaroline

Rating: T

Length: Drabble

Summary: You gave him your sweater, it's just polyester. But you like him better a.k.a. unrequited carolijah (high school au)

Date of update: April 10 2021

Klaus POV - The Trouble with Spells (chapter 20)

Author: ilovetf

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: The Trouble with Spells as seen through Klaus's eyes and his POV. Over the years, people kept liking this story and some even asked for Klaus POV, so I decided to give it a try. Hope you enjoy it. All feedback is more than welcome. Good or bad.

Date of update: April 10 2021

Black Roses (Chapter 29)

Author: xKlaroStylesx  

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Vampires, witches and werewolves are welcomed at the Whitmore Academy for the Supernaturally Gifted but that doesn't mean they all welcome each other. Ambitious student witch Caroline Forbes shares a mutual loathing with arrogant yet mysterious vampire Klaus Mikaelson. A spiral of events occur when their two dueling worlds collide and a life changing connection is formed.

Date of update: April 13 2021

Our darkest moments (Chapter 8)

Author: CookieDuo

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Discovering her entire life has been a lie, Caroline is determined to find out the truth and travels to the small town Mystic Falls in search of answers. Meanwhile, in the woods outside of Mystic Falls, a "monster" prays on unsuspecting young woman. In time the connection between the two becomes clear... Dark Klaroline!

Date of update: April 14 2021

A Failed Sacrifice (Chapter 3)

Author: CookieDuo

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: She ruined the sacrifice to save her own life, and in order to survive she turned to the only other vampire who'd been able to survive the wrath of Klaus Mikaelson. She gets away, and learns from the master, but when Klaus eventually catches up to her, her life will never be the same again.

Date of update: April 16 2021

AO3

Always Finding Trouble

Author: Cupcakemolotov

Raiting: M

Length: Drabble

Summary: Assassins in love were so cliche, but here she was. Married, even.

Date of update: April 10 2021

In Your Hands

Author: ThrowMeAStory

Raiting: E

Lenght: Drabble

Summary: 4x16 au, Part 6. The date.

Date of update: April 10 2021

The blood in your mouth

Author: perfectpro

Raiting: T

Lenght: Drabble

Summary: After Liz Forbes's untimely death, Caroline finds herself at the helm of her mother's empire. She's been trained for this role, but Klaus Mikaelson is a man she hadn't known to expect.

Date of update: April 10 2021

I AM SORRY BABY 2

Author: wincefish16

Raiting: Not rated

Lenght: Drabble

Summary: CONTINUATION OF I AM SORRY BABY. THIS WILL FOCUS ON KLAUS'S CHEMO AND THE PROBLEMS THAT COME WITH IT.

Date of update: April 11 2021

Give Me A Sign (Chapter 2)

Author: PumpkinDoodles

Raiting: M

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Caroline Forbes is happy that she left founders' parties, competition over guys she'd known since elementary school, and even Mystic Falls itself behind years ago. She's not second-best to Elena anymore. Even Liz would be proud of her new life working on the side of the law. Mostly. (If you need to compel someone into giving up stolen goods, is it really a crime?). Of course he's the one person from her past who comes looking for her. Klaus does that.

Date of update: April 11 2021

The Wolf II (Chapter 31)

Author: Yokan

Raiting: E

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: The Guerreras' threat still looms over the Mikaelson house as Caroline tries to adapt to life as a vampire, away from her daughter. But an unexpected family reunion makes everything worse, taking away the little peace Klaus, Caroline and Elijah managed to find after the war that nearly broke them. [It's The Originals Season 2, but Caroline was a witch, had Klaus' baby and now she's a vampire. Klaroline, obviously.]

Date of update: April 11 2021

A smutty anniversary (Chapter 5)

Author: kcatdino

Raiting: E

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Caroline and Klaus celebrate 3 months together with a day full of smut.

Date of update: April 11 2021

One of a Kind, Two of a Kind, or the Three Musketeers (Chapter 9)

Author: Phandancee74

Raiting: T

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Caroline recognizes how hard it is for Elena to be a doppelgänger, her fate predestined as well as her face. It's pretty tough being the last of your kind too though, and Caroline is determined to protect them both, with some very helpful Bennetts on their side. A fic that integrates Malivore and the larger supernatural universe into TVD from the start.

Date of update: April 11 2021

Humanity (Chapter 8)

Author: FandomizedArtist

Raiting: Not rated

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Now with the power of an Original vampire Lucien had everything, everything except his complete revenge on the all mighty Klaus Mikaelson. With the help of a witch he had tracked down the only woman who in thousands of years Klaus had fallen in love with. Miss Caroline Forbes. Adding her name to his list of evil todo’s he created the plan to kidnap, drain the vervain and compel the newbie vampire to be his. In this fanfiction Klaus does have hope but Caroline did not have Alaric’s twins.

Date of update: April 12 2021

Magics Miracle (Chapter 5)

Author: 1Jemmagirl22

Raiting: T

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Caroline is in Paris with out her humanity after the death of her mother. It seems her friends aren't happy with her new state so they inform the one person capable of turning her emotions back on. Klaus. When a prophecy about a second Tribrid comes about in New Orleans, shock to sweeps through the city. It seems nature doesn't consider Hope such an abomination after all as an even greater one is about to be created. The hands of power are changing and when they're done even the worlds most powerful witches won't be able to stop it.

Date of update: April 12 2021

We are young (Chapter 11)

Author: kcatdino

Raiting: T

Lenght: One shots

Summary: Basically, Klaroline flirt in front of their kids who they are barely older than, and Landon is appropriately confused. Edit: Now a series of one-shots!

Date of update: April 12 2021

When Blood Calls for Blood

Author: Cupcakemolotov

Raiting: M

Lenght: Drabble

Summary: At sixteen, Caroline helped kill monsters. Hers, his, and theirs. Ten years later, and Klaus returns to Mystic Falls with unfinished business.

Date of update: April 12 2021

The War of Succession

Author: BelleMorte180

Raiting: E

Lenght: One shot

Summary: When King William I dies without a living male child, the whole of England spends two generations at war over who is the true heir to the throne, sending the houses of Lockwood and Mikaelson into battle. When the love of her life is slain in battle, Caroline realizes that her hand is betrothed to the victor since she is the only grandchild of the late king. Upon her wedding to the new king, she vows that she will hate him for all eternity but time is a fickle thing and so it the heart. Written for Au Season Enemies to Lovers. Kind of based off the War of the Roses.

Date of update: April 14 2021

Some ancient call that i've answered before (Chapter 2)

Author: klarrolines

Raiting: T

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: According to Greek mythology, humans were created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. Or all the lives throughout time that Klaus and Caroline found each other in.

Date of update: April 14 2021

Soulmate visions (Chapter 3)

Author: kcatdino

Raiting: T

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: On your soulmate's eighteenth birthday, you see through their eyes for an hour, but they don’t know. And if your soulmate turns eighteen before you are even born, you never get a vision. Klaus gets his soulmate vision right after he orders Tyler to bite Caroline on her birthday.

Date of update: April 15 2021

World Enough and Time

Author: perfectpro

Raiting: E

Lenght: Drabble

Summary: Caroline is perfection in and of itself, and Klaus thinks that he could search the world twice over and never find a creature so endlessly fascinating, so perfectly enigmatic that he is still finding things to learn about her a thousand years later. Or, what gift is suitable to celebrate the passing of a thousand years?

Date of update: April 15 2021

LITTLE TENSE

Author: wincefish16

Raiting: T

Lenght: Drabble

Summary: PROMPT- HUMAN MARRIED KLAROLINE. THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. DAMON IS CAROLINE'S BROTHER AND KLAUS'S BEST FRIEND. HE TRIES TO FIX THINGS BETWEEN THEM.

Date of update: April 15 2021

Reasons Not to Date a Mikaelson (Chapter 2)

Author: kcatdino

Raiting: T

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Bonnie and Caroline gain a new roommate for their freshman dorm when a vision leads them to tracking down a pregnant Hayley in the Rockies. Also, Bonnie may or may not have raised a certain dead Original instead of Jeremy and Klaus takes a job at Whitmore teaching, to be annoying. He’s very good at it. This is a season 5 rewrite where the Originals never leave for New Orleans. But you know, with comedy.

Date of update: April 15 2021

Quiet Light (Chapter 4)

Author: coveredinthecolors

Raiting: E

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Caroline Forbes sets off to the Bahamas with her boyfriend, Elijah, where she'll finally meet his brother for the first time. But as it turns out... she knows Klaus Mikaelson a little too well.

Date of update: April 16 2021

AO3: Contingency Plan (Chapter 3) FFN: Contingency Plan (Chapter 3)

Author: Eliliyah  

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: When Stefan's idiocy threatens Caroline's carefully laid plans, she has no choice but to turn to Klaus Mikaelson for help. Unfortunately, the criminal king of Philadelphia won't be swayed by simple seduction and has a different kind of proposition for her. It's a good thing she has a contingency plan. Never try to overthrow an empire without one. Dark Klaroline Mafia AU. COMPLETE

Date of update: April 11 2021

AO3: Last Love FFN: Last Love

Author: kirti_01

Raiting: M

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Klaus had promised to be her last love, was sure that Caroline, will come to him. Maybe in a year, or a 100, perhaps. But Caroline decides not to wait for that long. After graduation, Caroline moves in with Klaus to give her feelings for him a chance. And Elijah finally lets go of his obsession with Katherine and finds himself attracted to a university student, his student, a human named Samara.

Date of update: April 12 2021

AO3: A Beautiful Symmetry (Chapter 153) FFN: A Beautiful Symmetry (Chapter 153)

Author: Uppity Bitch

Rating: M

Length: One shot

Summary: A collection of random AU one-shots featuring Klaroline. *2019 KC Award - Best one-shot series* Chapter 153: The Blonde Identity. Spies on opposite sides always had one mission, and nothing should ever compromise an operation. But Klaus always had a weakness for a woman who wore murder in her eyes.

Date of update: April 14 2021

AO3: Always and Forever (Chapter 8) FFN: Always and Forever (Chapter 8)

Author: WingedLadyColette

Raiting: E

Lenght: Multi chapter

Summary: Always and Forever is put to the test when the Mikaelson siblings  all gather together once more to throw the balance of nature into disarray when the Petrova Doppelganger reappears once again in a little Virginia town of Mystic Falls. But that's not the only thing that catches the big  bad wolf's attention.

Date of update: April 16 2021

[peter-laufeyson]

Games and Lies

summary: Ahsoka Tano returns! As the Generals who saw this former padawan grow up get excited for her arrival, there are unsaid truths waiting to be told.

paring: ahsoka tano x reader

word count: 1500+

warnings: none that I can remember...

author's note: I'm having a current unbearable obsession with tcw, so here you go.

ADMIRAL Yularen notified the Generals of a incoming transmission that should be taken back on the ship.

"We best get back then" General Obi Wan says as he feels something familiar in the force.

"Yeah we should," Anakin pauses looking at his padawan, "let's go little one."

You look at your Master and put your lightsaber on your hilt. The three Jedis walked back to get on a ship.

"Anakin, do you feel it?" Obi Wan asked. He spoke in a low tone, almost as if he didn't want the padawan to hear.

Anakin frowned and looked down. He almost didn't want to believe his own feelings, in doubt that he might be disappointed.

---

"Alright Admiral, what's so important you brought us all the way back here -" Anakin's words die out as his eyes fall on the back of his former padawan.

You stand behind Anakin feeling shocked. You haven't seen your friend in years, more its felt like.

"Ahsoka?" ___ whispered so quietly.

Anakin stares for was felt like lightyears. Your thoughts consumed you and you felt almost jealous, as if your Master never gave you the same reactions, which he didn't. Anakin was fond of you, but underneath his lies you knew Ahsoka was his favorite. As your mind clouded, you pushed the evil thoughts away and decided to be happy about your friend's return.

"Hello Master, its been a while" Ahsoka states as Anakin keeps staring. Everyone in the room exchanges looks before they speak a word.

"How are you Ahsoka?" You spoke up, breaking the silence.

"I'm alright, thank you. I wish we had more time to talk, but I have urgent information for the generals."

"What is it Ahsoka?" Obi Wan asked.

"Lady Bo Katan and I have located the renegade sith lord Maul. And if we move swiftly, we believe we can capture him."

Your eyes widen, quite surprised they were able to achieve such a assignment before the Jedi could.

---

Your mind was out in the Galaxy, for reasons you couldn't come to. You searched your feelings, not even bothering to listen to the conversation the Master Jedis were having.

"Right, [Y/N]" Anakin turns to you and see your head hanging low and the sadness in your eyes.

"Master," you pause keeping your head down, "does Ahsoka know I'm your new padawan?"

"No, but why does that matter?" Anakin asks as Obi Wan feels tension in the force.

You shake your head and look up into your Master's eyes, "forgive me Master. I let my emotions take control of me, it won't happen again."

Anakin frowns and sticks a eyebrow up, questioning his padawan's thoughts.

As Ahsoka emerges from the ship you straighten your posture and almost hide behind Anakin.

"Ahsoka, I'm so -"

"We'll have to catch up another time" Ahsoka says as she cuts her former Master off.

You smile at Ahsoka and give her a small wave as she smiles back too.

---

"So I see you're in the Jedi Council now" Ahsoka says as she walks down the halls with you.

"Actually," you stop and Ahsoka stands in front of you, crossing her arms, "I'm a padawan. Anakin's padawan."

Her arms fall to her sides a little shocked as she couldn't believe the words that just came out of your mouth. Ahsoka wasn't jealous, of course not. But she was questioning as to why Anakin would make such a decision. Did Anakin not want Ahsoka's memories anymore? Did Anakin want to replace Ahsoka because she wasn't worthy enough?

I would never let anyone hurt you, Ahsoka. Never.

The meaningful words played through the former padawan's mind. [Y/N] stood there looking at her friend's reaction to her words. [Y/N] thought that her best friend wouldn't even question her thoughts, but Ahsoka was questioning her thoughts. The padawan felt her friend's feelings as clear as words.

"Um, Ahsoka?"

"Sorry, I just -"

"[Y/N], Ahsoka. You better come quick." Obi Wan rushed in before Ahsoka could finish her words.

"Over course General. I'll be there in a minute, I just need to get something." You quickly state as Ahsoka followed Obi Wan. You knew that she was going to be surprised by Commander Rex and the boys. Anakin was also going to give Ahsoka her lightsabers.

You gave your friend a nod and left to your quarters.

As you turned the corners and finally arrived to your quarters, you entered before taking a glance at the hall ways. You lifted your pillow and found the anonymous note. It read:

Continue to phase 6

You looked up and took a deep breath. You can already sense its going to be a long few days coming up. You gathered your emotions and whispered so very quietly, I'm sorry Anakin.

---

"I can see the lightsabers suit you well" you softly interrupted the moment between the Jedi Master and the former Padawan.

Quickly things started happening. The alarms went off, Obi Wan ran in informing the group of the current situation, they talked amongst themselves of how they can split their forces. Soon they figured it out, and everyone was on their way.

You noticed as Ahsoka and Anakin looked at each other for more than a moment. You decided to allow them to have their moment without you.

"I'll wait for you in the ship with Bo Katan, Ahsoka." You turn to your Master, "I'll see you when this is over Master." You slightly dip your head in Anakin's direction.

As soon as you walked away, Ahsoka moved towards Anakin.

"I feel a strong pull in the force to [Y/N]. I sense regret, sadness, and betrayal" Ahsoka frowns and Anakin creates a worried look on his face.

"Ahsoka," he puts a hand on her shoulder, "everything will be fine. Should something happen, you need to contact me immediately."

"Don't worry, I'll keep my eyes open."

---

Chaos covered Mandalore and death was only the beginning. Explosions erupted as ___ and Ahsoka can feel this distress from the people through the force.

"Uh, one of you might want to deal with that" Maul suggests.

Ahsoka quickly turns Bo Katan, "you should go. Your people need you."

Maul sighs and stands up sarcastically saying, "don't stay on my account. We'll be fine."

"Go" you urge Bo Katan as she puts her helmet back on. Ahsoka and the Jedi turn and prepare themselves for Maul.

"Look at them. So blissfully ignorant"

"Care to tell us what this is all about? Or would you rather save it for the Council?" You questioned.

Maul chuckles, "oh, no, no. Ahsoka dear, you are the one I wish to speak with."

You look at Ahsoka and question what Maul wants with her.

"Were you not cast out of your order?"

You feel threatened and start to sense a plot. Slowly you reach down and put your hand on your lightsaber. Before you were unable to unhook it, Ahsoka looks at you and shakes her head, causing you to drop your hand.

"I left voluntarily" Ahsoka says.

"Yes, but you were motivated to leave of the hypocrisy of the Jedi Council" you could tell Maul was trying to persuade Ahsoka. You stick a eyebrow up, wondering what his angle was.

[Y/N] could tell the words took Ahsoka unexpectedly.

"We were all tools, for greater power," Maul states and Ahsoka tries to reason with the renegade sith lord.

"I am here to put you to justice" Ahsoka continues.

"Justice is merely the construct of the current power base. A base in which, according to my calculations, is about to change."

"And Darth Sidious is behind it?"

"No he's not-" you take out your lightsaber and active it, "I am."

Ahsoka is slightly slow to process the words you spoke. Maul stands and listens.

"[Y/N], what are you talking about?"

"Ahsoka you don't understand, even if I could explain it to you!" You speak almost as if you're desperate. Desperate to be free.

"Your a traitor! You've fought besides those clones who are brothers! You saved their lives, how could you now turn on them? Most of all, you fought and trained beside the greatest Master of all time."

"Please Ahsoka, please! Anakin was an amazing Master-"

"You don't deserve him. Or the Jedi." Ahsoka was developing a harsh tone.

"Please - I know you sense my pain. I don't want to do this!"

"I've played games enough to see through a lie."

Ahsoka's words were hurting you, but you knew there was no going back from here on out.

Ahsoka uncliped her lightsabers and ignited them. She got into her defense position and you did too. Maul ran, neither of you thought about going after him. For the both of you knew the fight was between the former padawan and the padawan of the dark side.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this. I truly did love your company Ahsoka." With that, the fighting began.

---

Phase one: Train in the Jedi Academy

Phase two: Learn the weaknesses of Ahsoka Tano

Phase three: Ensure Ahsoka Tano becomes Anakin Skywalker's padawan

Phase four: Ensure Ahsoka Tano is framed for treason and leaves the Jedi Order

Phase five: Ensure Anakin Skywalker's new padawan is [Y/N]

Phase six: Execute Ahsoka Tano

[IN PROGRESS]

Phase seven: Execute Maul and Order 66

Phase eight: Become Darth Vader's Apprentice

[vbee-miya]

[romantic matchup]

╔═ @yyyyikees ═╝

𝙵𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚞𝚙 - 𝙺𝚎𝚒 𝚃𝚜𝚞𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚖𝚊  

I genuinely feel like Tsuki or Kei would be pretty into astrology. Though it may not be canon, that's just what I feel. He’d probably be really lowkey about it too. “Tsk. You know there's more than one star.” 

He wouldn’t be good at any relationships and that's just final. Kidding of course, but don’t expect him to be blurting out compliments anytime soon. Not only may he be pretty insensitive, but his compliments would really just be backhanded. 

You dyed your hair? Cool, everyone thinks it’s cool, then there’s Tuski. “That color was better than your previous one.” With that my good fellow readers is how he’d complinet you. 

Take in the compliment. 

Bruh sorry if I'm making Tsuki sound like a salty bitch, cuz he is. But he isn’t well with you at least. 

He’d have a sense of respect for you. As a hufflepuff they’re known to be kindhearted, fair, patient, and show a sense of dedication. So I’d assume the same goes for you. 

And with that being said, he’d hate it at first, liking you. Or just liking anyone. He likes to keep his emotions intact and be in command of HIS emotions. So when you’re sweet nerdy astrology self came into his life you betcha, you were the one that caught his eyes. 

Now let’s talk about being a Slytherin. As a former Slytherin or actually just a Slytherclaw, Slytherins are known to be ambitious, cunning, and have a sense of resourcefulness. 

So you betcha when Tsuki saw how ambitious you were with your goals and how you were able to complete them in such a way, he’d just instantly be in awe of you. 

Volleyball? Pfft, it’s just a club. Or that’s what first year, first semester Tsuki would’ve said. Now salty boy has grown, and volleyball is more than a club. He’d take certain pride in it to an extent. 

So when he found out you used to play volleyball, you bet he’d ask why you stopped. He wouldn’t force you to play with him, but at least he’d invite you to his games or something.

He’s not good with emotions just in general, but when he breaks that cold facade of his it can get emotional. 

⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹

Downfall of this relationship in my opinion is like what I’ve stated before. He wouldn’t really be good with expressing his emotions, it’s something that doesn’t come naturally to him. Not only would he hide his emotions through a cold facade, but he’d also come off as insensitive. Though I feel like that could eventually change. It may not seem like it, but he’s always trying to find ways to improve himself more in a mentality way. So I guess that’ll be a plus just take the relationship romantically or not doesn’t matter, in a slow way. 

𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚞𝚙 - 𝚈𝚞 𝙽𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚘𝚢𝚊

Okay yes he’s shorter than you, and you know what that’s okay. He’s got a pretty big demeanor. 

He’d love you for you because you ‘rolling thundered’ into his heart.  

He’d come up with super cute names to call you from like questionable ones to just really cute ones. (your pick) 

Even though you’re tall and all. Christ this boy could jump higher than you. 

Piggy back rides? Maybe, it depends on you. 

You say yes. Fine with him. 

You say no. Fine by him. 

Mayhaps it’s best if you hide your crystals. Cuz at least one of them will break or get chipped.

Idk anything about crystals except that if it breaks it’s not necessarily a bad thing like you’re cursed…? But it’s best to do something about the whole negative energy that it’ll be giving off...anyways point is if they’re out its best you’re there to watch them or something. 

Noya would definitely be interested in learning astrology with you or from you. And he’d know the basics Sun, Moon, Rising. 

But there was this one time when he was on social media, and he was so upset that his sun sign Libra changed to Virgo. Because of the Ophiuchus, which no one likes. 

Eventually you explained the whole deal with Ophiuchus, how it’s not an actual zodiac constellation, but rather just a mere star in the zodiac cluster. (someone correct me if i’m wrong like deadass) . 

He’d be very understanding of any emotions and feelings that you may have. Despite his chaotic demeanor, he’s emotional and needs someone who could understand or help him through these things.  

⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹

Downside of this relationship is how chaotic he may be. So it’s best to keep your collection of crystals and I'd assume other valuable things that you may have away from his reach. Cuz he’s short, and you’d tease him for that. 

𝙽𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚞𝚙 - 𝚃𝚜𝚞𝚝𝚘𝚖𝚞 𝙶𝚘𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚔𝚒  

Yikes, I don’t really see this boy being really interested in astrology or crystals. 

I feel like if you were in a relationship with him it’ll be totally one sided and not fun. 

Like at all…

⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹⊹

Brightside if you’re nice to him and point out his skills and achievements he’d kinda just fall for you. Keep doing that you might eventually get him into astrology or mayhaps crystals.

Again another really fun request. Hope you enjoyed your results @yyyyikees . Sorry if I might’ve left any blanks. Or if the characters weren’t who you’d hope to get m(_ _)m

——————

For those who are still waiting please be patient. I've had a pretty busy schedule and workload. DM me if your request has been pending for about a month now.

Pictures edited by: @dublemiyachiaseed

𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝙲𝚑𝚎𝚌𝚔 𝙼𝚢 𝙽𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚐𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 (𝙿𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝙿𝚘𝚜𝚝) 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚁𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚄𝚙𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜

[yandereshit]

"See, I've stalked you for some time before snatching you up!" or "I usually like to get to know my victims a little before I kill them." for Izaya Orihara please! I figured they fit him perfectly and I'm in such a dark mood so I'm down for whatever you want to throw at me! I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶s̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶e̶n̶s̶e̶ ̶p̶s̶y̶c̶h̶o̶l̶o̶g̶i̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶t̶o̶r̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶~̶

FYI I have NO CLUE how long has this been lying in my drafts but I noticed it like now oasihfoiasdhoias

Izaya Orihara x Reader: relatively innocent.

Warnings: mentions of death, mind games, torture.

˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙

A simple, textile bag had been torn off your head, and your sight finally returned, giving you a very short-living sense of relief.

Your wrists were tied tightly behind your back, and you were sat on some sort of chair. Your head was still dizzy as you moved, trying to get a hold of your surroundings and the situation you found yourself in. The room was dark, with only two bulbs to allow you to see anything, yet their light being not strong enough to let you make out the exact contours of the room.

Undoubtedly, you weren’t in the room alone. On the wooden chair opposite of yours, a silhouette sat, holding the bag and staring forward at your terrified self, not bothered much by the tears that showed themselves on your face, having flowed down your cheeks sometime ago and then dried out. Maybe if the lighting was better, he could actually see them clearly. But your quiet sobs were enough of a proof, and your face didn’t have to be visible for anyone to know what state you were in. 

You wondered about his own face, but it was too dark for you to make out anything specific. But the man didn’t seem to want you to memorize him, and you had a feeling that it’d be safer for you if you didn’t. 

Once your sobs calmed down a little, his voice echoed in the room, making you almost jump when it rung out of blue, after such a long silence you’ve been stuck in.

“I suppose you’re good enough to talk now” he announced. He was smiling, that much you could tell from his tone alone, his white teeth only slightly visible, giving you a brief image of how he grinned.

“What do you want from me?” you snapped, but your voice betrayed you, clearly trembling through the whole sentence.

A short silence fell upon the two of you, and as soon as the man spoke again, you wished he never did.

“I usually like to get to know my victims a little before I kill them.”

You could swear your heart stopped beating for a second, and you stared dumbly at the other, waiting for him to continue, to explain what exactly he meant, clearly still not believing in such words, because how could you - it sounded too simple, too straightforward to be true, didn’t it?

It didn’t.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you were starting to make out the contours of your surroundings, and your kidnapper’s wicked smile was one of them.

What kind of psychopath was he…? What did he want to do with you? Just why, out of so many young women or people in general living in the crowded city of Tokyo, you were the one who’d been chosen by this man, a complete stranger you’ve never seen or heard of, even after having been raised in the comfort of knowing Japan as the safest place to live on the earth?

“Who are you…?” you finally uttered, your voice weak, still disbelieving, still unable to proceed what was happening.

“Me?” The man seemed genuinely surprised with your question. “I assure you it’s meaningless right now. I’m no one you should be concerned about. For your information, I’m not your enemy. You’ve never done anything to me or anyone I know. So don’t try to make up any reasons, because there’s really none.”

Out of all the people in this forsaken city, you were the one who fell victim to this man. No reason, just… lack of luck, it seemed.

Yet, how could you just accept it? It was your own life that was on line here, and the perspective of losing it out of a mere accident was not what you’ve aimed for ever in your lifespan.

A quiet, frustrated sob escaped your throat.

“W-what do you want?” you asked again. “W-why would you… want to…” The words wouldn’t go through your throat, their weight - suffocating.

Not waiting for you to finish, the man shrugged, unbothered.

“Absolutely no reason. I just thought, why not? I can kill someone without getting caught, so why not do it? Oh, look, there’s that girl passing by. Wonder what she’s up to. Wonder how she’ll react if I take her, will she be scared? She sure will. Will she start yelling at me? Screaming for help? Beg for her life? Try to bargain me in some way? I was just so, so curious about her.”

His words wouldn’t make any sense in your head. Just what kind of person does that? Just what kind of person is he? Even criminals have their reasons. But this one? He seems to not have any greater purpose, other than his own twisted thoughts or desires. 

“F-fine!” you exclaimed in a shaky voice. “Just kill me, then!” you yelled, more of emotions than any sort of actual wish. 

“So quickly? Come on, we still have so much time. At least I do, I’m not hurrying anywhere. Seriously though, I haven’t even hurt you yet, and you’re already begging to be killed?”

“Just tell me what the fuck you want from me!” 

A short silence fell upon you two, the air filled with your emotions, so strong and vivid, your fear mixed with anger, impatience and annoyance. You were like a wild animal caught in snares, still dangerous to whoever would want to set you free. 

In the meantime though, the man seemed terrifyingly calm and composed. He crossed his legs elegantly, observing you with a small, polite smile on his face, completely unbothered with your rage, as if you were nothing but a random show on TV, unable to harm him in any way, and meant to be only watched until its end, and then probably forgotten.

“Let’s play a game” he suddenly spoke, smiling politely. You tried to, but couldn’t make out any more of his face features, and you came to a conclusion he just really didn’t want you to be able to see him well. Maybe you could recognize him if you did? Yet, he seemed unfamiliar. The aura he gave was nothing you’d recall, yet, along with lack of opportunity to see him whole, it added to the terror and uneasiness he caused in you, your primal instincts just screaming to run away from him - as if you could.

“What game?” you decided to ask, although your voice was quiet and weak at this point. 

“Well, I’m going to ask you three questions. If you answer all of them, I’ll release you. If not - I’ll kill you. Any questions?”

“You’re insane.”

“It’s not a question, it’s a statement.”

“A pretty fucking accurate one” you snapped. 

The man burst into laughter, pretty much confirming to you what you just said. But he didn’t seem bothered, instead continuing his previous monologue.

“Okay then, seems like you’re ready. Don’t worry, there’s no time limit, you can take as much as you need to reply.” He cleared his throat, switching his position a little to get more comfortable. You stared at him uneasily, focusing as much as you could on whatever he’d have to say. “First question! Who’s the prime minister of Japan?”

Was that it? It sounded simple. The name instantly appeared in your head, but then you thought - what if it’s wrong? Your life was on the line, you couldn’t afford yourself to be mistaken. Could you just trust your instinct? Maybe you should think more about it?

“Come on, this one’s easy, everyone knows it” the man said, laughing in a manner that could go as genuine if not the circumstances it was done in.

“Shinzo… Abe?” you answered, the end of the reply hitching in question though, as if you weren’t sure of your own words.

“You see? It was a simple one! I made it easier for you on purpose, so that you wouldn’t feel too scared. Hope it worked!” He smiled widely. “Second question. Who am I?”

Your breath got stuck in your throat for a few seconds, and there was a tense silence, the one you forced yourself to break a moment later.

“H-how am I supposed to know that?! You said it yourself, we’ve never met before! How can I answer your question?!”

You could have predicted that. The first question was too easy, to give you a false impression that he’d really go easy on you. But he wouldn’t, he never planned to, the questions he picked weren’t the ones you were supposed to know the answer to.

An unwitting sob escaped your throat, and tears streamed down your face once again.

“I-I don’t know…”

“Should I take it as, you give up?” the man asked, his face twisting in displeasure. 

“…No…” you added quietly. You couldn’t give up your life, you were sure of that. You fixated your eyes on the floor, biting on your lip. “…My kidnapper. That’s whom you are to me” you finally announced, dreading for his reaction, yet fully aware that there’s nothing else you can say now. It was the only thing you knew. And it was… 

“…Correct.” Said kidnapper chuckled, tilting his head. “You’re definitely correct here. I won’t break my own rules, will I? I didn’t specify what kind of information I demand from you. You’re correct.”

Your eyes blurred with tears and your breath got heavy. For a few moments, no sounds would reach you, but you couldn’t tell if the man was saying anything, you felt like your consciousness slipped away for these few brief moments, the rush of adrenaline, stress and anxiety making you pass out for seconds. 

When you came back to your senses, everything was right as you remembered it. The man sat in front of you, observing you calmly, patiently waiting for you to be able to proceed. And once he was sure you were listening to him again, he also spoke.

“Last question. We’re almost there, you see? Only one question, and we’ll know what happens to you. Ready?” You sluggishly nodded your head, to which the man grinned. “So, what’s the length of Congo River?”

 “What…?”

It took you a few moments of complete bewilderment, during which you only stared forward, absolutely dumbfounded. 

The length of some river you recognized as African sounded like common knowledge. Probably more people knew of Congo River’s existence than they knew the name of Japan’s Prime Minister. 

Yet, you didn’t know the answer. Your mind went wild, and you thought vividly of all the possible comparisons you could find. But you couldn’t even place the river anywhere on the map to even compare the lengths, and was it a long river? It had to be, since you’ve heard of it. What was the longest river in the world? How long was it? You surely had to be told it before, during geography classes. The longest river in the world… Around… eight thousands of kilometers? Did it make sense? It sounded like it did. Or maybe not… Five? Five, it had to be five.

Congo River had to be shorter, but how much? You had no clue. It wasn’t that known, the difference had to be meaningful. Half of the longest river? More? Less? Maybe less. Two thousands? He definitely didn’t expect you to know the exact number, but maybe you were remotely right?

And maybe no matter what you said, he wouldn’t let you go, anyway?

“T-two thousands kilometers” you finally voiced, staring at him intensely, waiting for him to either confirm your words or to bury your last hopes for freedom.

The man took out his phone, and the light for a short time highlighted his features, but then he turned down the brightness and you were left in almost the same darkness as before. 

After a few seconds, he spoke.

“The Congo-Lualaba-Chambeshi River system has an overall length of 4,700 km.”

The breath escaped you and your head fell forwards, sobs wrecking your body and your head aching, your heart beating so fast you felt like you would die from a heart attack before the man would finally end your sufferings. 

Without hurry, he stood up. You didn’t dare to return his gaze, but in the corner of your eye, you saw him pull out a small knife. Your heart only beated faster as he approached you, and then stood behind you, disappearing from the range of your sight. But maybe it was for the better, you thought. Maybe it was better you didn’t have to see him.

Would he make it fast? As painless as possible? If he sliced your throat, the agony would only last a few minutes, before your body would go completely numb from the bloodloss. Maybe it’d be worse if he cut through your windpipes, you wouldn’t be able to breathe, but wouldn’t it make it last even shorter? You hoped it would. You didn’t want to die in agony, but the shorter it lasted, the better. 

What was afterlife like?

“Here.”

You heard a sound behind yourself, and soon enough, you felt the blood rush back into your hands, the rope that kept you tied to the chair falling to the ground, leaving you confused and dumbfounded. 

You panted in a newfound sense of panic. Would he take you somewhere else? Make you suffer in another way? Take his time bringing you to your promised death?

“The door’s on your left” the man announced, his voice echoing in your ears for how close he was to you, standing right behind you, way too close for your comfort, if there was any of it left.

“W-what…?”

“Just go, I suppose you have other plans for today” he shrugged, pushing the blade back to his pocket and going in the door’s direction himself, as if completely uninterested in whatever you’d do.

“B-but why…”

His frame shook in a silent laughter as he stood by the door, barely visible, but apparently ready to leave the room, to - finally - leave you alone.

“The game’s rules said, I’ll release you if you answer all the three questions. You did it, hence why you’re free. I never specified I want the answers to be correct, though.”

The light of the outside world blinded you for a few seconds when the man opened the door, stepping into the outside world. The door never closed though, and you were positive by now, that it wouldn’t.

And it was never supposed to, because for all Izaya Orihara was, he definitely wasn’t a killer. A kidnapper - yes, but a relatively innocent one.

 ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙

[demonsforfriends]

Just having a quiet moment to myself to sit and think about everything that's happened in the last week or so, and reflect on what's going on in my life right now.

It's been 3 weeks now since I've been in isolation and it's been a blessing in disguise. I didn't realise how much I needed time to just hermit and be at home and not mixing with the outside world. It's been over 3 weeks since I dissociated last, and that's something of a record for me. Even though we're having money worries, the same as everyone else, anxiety levels have dropped significantly.

Last week, we hit a bit of a bump. Well, a big bump actually. While anxiety has been a lot more manageable, there's been a lot of random depressive spells, and last week out of nowhere, I hit a wall, completely snapped, and made a really irrational, split second decision to end my life, and just went out on autopilot. For a moment, I was completely overwhelmed, felt like I was the source of all that's wrong with everything, felt like everyone's lives would be better without me in it and was just completely exhausted with the state of the world.

I struggle to do and understand a lot of things. Basic things, like working out how I feel, and talking about it, and dealing and acting on a single emotion. Feeding myself when I'm hungry. Showering when I need to. Understanding people's feelings and intentions. It's so difficult and confusing to the point of tears sometimes. But at the same time, I feel so so deeply, I just can't do anything about it a lot of the time, and not for lack of trying either. When I can actually pick up on it, I can feel deeper for others than I can myself. I've speculated in the past that I have autism, and never really thought anything of it, I just brushed it off and carried on. More recently, it's felt more and more like something I need to confront and deal with. Anyway, when I was off on my little suicide mission, I had a moment of clarity and I stopped. I turned my phone back on, and listened to the voicemail that my fiancée had left me and it absolutely broke my heart. She was so scared, and hurt, and confused and could barely speak for crying and it wrote me off. For a moment, I had a flash of confusion, which quickly turned to anger and self loathing. How could she love me? I'm so obsessed with perfection, but I am so imperfect, the exact opposite of the thing I've spent my entire life chasing, and trying to be. But as quickly as the anger came on, it dissolved. All I wanted to do was go home and make her feel better. I've always said that her happiness is my happiness, and I'll probably always stand by that. I went home, had a chat with the police, went with the ambulance crew to the hospital, spoke to the mental health teams, and went home to her. I felt so much remorse. We have regular mental health check ups with each other anyway, but that night we really talked a lot, about what I want, why I can't ever do anything for myself and the general day to day struggled that I have, and ups and downs that I have, and how to deal with my autism better. She also tried to work out how to love me better, which made me kinda sad, because there's no way she could do more for me than she already does, but she vowed to stick to it nonetheless. I've always believed her when she tells me she loves me, but somehow I believe her more now than ever.

I'm so glad I didn't go through with ending my life last week. I've experienced so many beautiful moments in this last 8 days alone. Things that would seem small and insignificant to some, but have been amazing and beautiful and really meaningful to me.

The first day after everything that happened, we spent the day at home together, mostly in bed. Just being in each others company. She held me and kept me calm for most of the day. Just the pure warmth and innocence of naked skin to skin contact was amazing. Jen sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the window, and as the sun was setting, I noticed the way the skin touched her skin and outlined her body, and it was truly an amazing thing to watch, so much so that I had to capture it. Her silhouette looked perfect against the dusk sky. I had a really profound feeling of being grateful to survive the previous afternoon, else I wouldn't have lived to see that moment.

Tuesday was a really, really amazing day, start to finish. One of the best days I've had in a long long time. Once Jen got back from work, we had a parcel arrive from Ithaca, actually genuinely one of my favourite bands. When the Covid-19 lockdown started, we bought a long sleeved t-shirt from them, because A. the shirt is sick as fuck and B. just to show some love and support. To our surprise, they sent us two shirts, the one that we ordered, as well as a bonus shirt from old merch stock, as well as a sticker and a handwritten note on the back of a photo of Djamila's dog, The Ham™.

Afterwards, we got dressed and headed out to go get some food shopping, and decided to talk through the park on the way home, and came across a beautiful bed of daffodils, so of course, I had to take pictures. The one above is my favourite, of course. Jen has the most beautiful smile, especially now that I know that she's happy for real.

After we'd been home, put the shopping away and showered, we headed out again. This time, to go hunt down a good spot to try and take some good photos of the "Pink Moon". We went for a nice long walk through the woods first though. It was so quiet, all we could hear were birds singing, the water running in the stream and the ground beneath our feet.

Once we found a good spot on high ground, we sat on top of two big rocks in front of some trees, one tree in particular was a a blossom tree, and we watched the sun go down, and just sat there quietly, looking at all of the colours meld and mix in the sky.

After the sun had set, we found the best spot we could find to set up the tripod and Jen sat by for a good half an hour to 45 minutes while I tried to get the best shot I could of the moon. I am honestly so so proud of this photo, I personally think it's one of the best photos I've ever taken.

I was starting to feel as though Jen was getting bored of sitting around, while I was indulging myself, as I know I often get carried away and absorbed when I'm doing something creative, and starting to feel like I should wrap things up, but instead, she took a big interest in what I was doing, and took the time and effort to get involved in what I was doing. She came and sat with me, and asked me questions about how my camera worked, and gave it a try for herself. I remember watching her try, and adjust, and try again and I remember feeling so much love, and feeling so proud of her. No one has ever gone out of their way to involve themselves in something that I love doing the way she did, and that memory, and that picture will stick with me forever.

This is just a bonus picture of Jen, because I thought she looked really beautiful under the glow of the streetlights and the moon. 😍

The day after/yesterday, after Jen came home from work, we spend another afternoon in bed together, to have some alone time. While the sex was amazing, as it usually is, that isn't the moment that sticks out for me, it's this one, in the photo. This might be grim, or kinda gross or just too much information for some, but I don't care. Now, ever since we have been together, both of us have become more comfortable body hair, periods, and pretty much everything that our bodies do naturally and we both find it beautiful. Something I've noticed, as well, is that people don't generally tend to talk much about grooming, especially when it comes to helping your partner groom and helping your partner with self care. Well, recently, we both decided to shave together, which is something both of us had to do before to please others, even though I never really liked it. However, this time is was different. Anyway, I have quite sensitive skin, and naturally, I get a lot of ingrown hairs, this time around have had a lot and it's been very uncomfortable and at times quite painful. When we were lay in bed together, I was in a bit of discomfort with it, and without batting an eyelid, Jen picks up the tweezers, heads back down there and starts removing and relieving all of the ingrown hairs. This really sticks out to me as a really beautiful moment. She was so gentle, and I was so comfortable that I felt no pain at all. I've never met anybody who treats my body with such care and respect before as she does, and she protects and looks after it better than I do. I remember being filled with love, and I felt like it was such an intimate moment, but a gentle, innocent kind of intimacy and it was beautiful. Another moment that will stay with me for a long, long time.

Later on in the evening, we went out for another walk, this time to go and meet Jen's mother and collect some food that she had got for us. On the way there, we came across a beautiful cherry blossom tree. Cherry blossoms are both of our favourite flowers, we absolutely adore them, so I wanted to photograph them, but I'm not a tall person and the tree was very high, so I couldn't reach to get a good close up photo of the flowers. Within seconds, she gave me a piggy back and hoisted me up high so I could get close enough to take this photo. We must've looked crazy to onlookers, but it was like we were the only two people in the world.

If I had gone through with ending my life last week, I would've missed out on all of these precious moments. As I said, they may seem small or insignificant to some, but to me, they hold so much weight and meaning. All of that would've been gone, within a split second of being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Stephanie Riddell, I wouldn't be here without you. I love you, so so much, more than words will ever be able to say. I can't wait to become your wife, so that everyday for the rest of our lives, we can carry on making beautiful memories out of the little things. Every day, you give me a reason to feel love and feel grateful for being alive. I hope you realise how special you are to me, and how meaningful it is to spend my life with you, however big or small the moment is.