#also i'm still trying to process how
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Going from being the only smoker in the office for 2 years to then 8 months smoke free, only for my boss and the rest of my coworkers to pick up the habit is a fucking trip.
#dreamer talks#personal#smoking#tw smoking#using tags just in case#so far i haven't been tempted#also i'm still trying to process how#i kept getting shit for smoking#only for the people who gave me shit to turn around and start smoking is .... idk how to properly explain what i'm feeling#i'm just confused#it's not like i ever pressured anyone to smoke either#i just came to the office one day and everyone was out on a cigarette break#might delete later
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Another year has passed, and with it the opportunity to reflect back on all that has happened. While my growth was not as dramatic as last year, I can still see lots of positive change.
I'll never have enough ways to say thank you for all the love and support you have given me this year. On to 2025!
(2023 summary here!)
#poorly drawn mdzs#art summary#Since last year's independent variable was PD-WWX; this year I used Lan Wangji.#Unfortunately his appearances were not very evenly distributed this year! Lots of LWJ's early in the year#then a dead period in the middle. He is forever my silly rabbit. I love drawing him!#If I have to put a label on this year; I'd describe it as 'experimental'. I pushed myself to do llots of new things!#I drew lots for dungeon meshi and that really boosted my growth. More body types -clothing details - expressions!#Ryoko Kui is a great artist to learn from and It made me realize that I had a lot to gain from doing more studies.#I also started working on a whole new genre of art! While it has taken a backburner spot - I'm working on a game now!#Digital art was my enemy last year but I have been getting a feel for it now.#Goals for this year is to 1) keep working on my personal projects 2) finish PD-MDZS! and 3) practice animation!#I didn't (couldn't) draw as much as I did last year...but I had to take a lesson in humility and taking care of myself.#Drawing is something I do 'for fun' but there were many times it became more stressful than it should.#I'm still learning how to find and maintain balance with everything life throws at me.#We are all works of progress and I am trying very hard to love the process and the journey! I don't really know my destination!#But I will keep taking steps forwards. I never want to be stuck and lost as I once was.#If 2024 was a rough year for you too; We're in this together. Let's keep taking steps together. No matter how small.#Love you all so very much. You've given me strength on the darkest days. Thank you thank you thank you.
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I've been doing some test streams this past few weeks and I think I want to try it for real this time! Nothing fancy, just a simple art stream & some lo-fi music 🎶
I might be able to host one later (maybe a couple hrs from now?) so just look out for the post if you want to join! Also made a twitch & youtube channel for hosting & archiving future art streams so you can also follow me there if you'd like to get updated 😌
#btw for ppl who joined my patreon you guys can request a pkmn doodle!#I might be able to do them on the stream~#please consider supporting if you can!#tips are very much appreciated esp. since I still can't work on new comms ;_;#also patreon's being a butt atm bc it says the withdrawal process might take around 10 days#so i'm not even sure if my current budget would last @_@#didn't expect that at all bc I don't remember it taking that long?#just when I needed the extra funds too.......#so yeah any kind of support is very much appreciated! 🙏#im just trying diff. things atm to see how i'd be able to keep myself afloat really#it's scary not knowing where your next source of funds will come from 😔
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I think I'm in the "conscious incompetence" stage of being a social animal in the real world and it sucks so majorly. bro what do you do after you realize you're bad at socializing and then in-person interaction gets harder because you know you're failing at it now.
#Robin processes emotions on main#I WANT to get good at socializing#I used to be better and I'm now worse >:[#in some ways. in some ways I've improved (e.g. am kinder). but I used to have more confidence and an easier time staying present#now I'm always shutting down and running away#literally I leave the room and go calm down in my room#I want to learn to regulate that impulse and become a chill person to hang out with. but How#I've been struggling lately with punishing myself for running away (not physically but with like. spirals of self-recrimination)#I think one good step would be to get mindful about praising myself for small steps again. I'll change faster if im kinder to myself#also I think seeking reassurance from the people I'm around more often even if it seems silly would be good#ALSO. a major problem I'm facing is that I am living with my parents. and my little sisters. and I don't... I... it's rough.#I used to parent my 15 (then 9) y/o little sister when my parents were gone and I still struggle with feeling Responsible For Her#so every time she's a little cringe I end up feeling like it's my fault and I'm gonna be punished for it and I don't know how to deal with#—how to deal with it#BIG SIGH#I'm TRYING to become a good adult who can help others rather than just living in desperate self-defensive survival mode forever#but it's so hard bro#and another issue is that I'm growing further and further apart from my parents' fundamentalist brand of Christianity#and feeling more and more incapable of making friends and bringing them to visit me. because I have to be perfect around my parents#how can I make friends if I can't offer them hospitality??#how can I be a fully realized adult if I have to hide in plain sight??#I need to move out so bad. even if I'm lonely at first I HAVE to move out#in related news my seasonal job is Over and I'm looking for full-time work! please pray for me if you're the praying type or just#send me encouraging words#that would help#<33333 I will be ok it's just a bad situation rn
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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Beauty and the Beast for the WIP game?
My only real attempt at writing poetry before this year happened during a stretch when I tried to write a Beauty and the Beast retelling in verse. I got about two-thirds of the way through before it fizzled out and languished forever unfinished.
When it comes to my recent novel-in-verse obsession, the simplest option would be to take another look at this work and try to finish it. There's a lot of terrible poetry in there, but there are some that are somewhat better than I remember. I can't claim to be a judge of what's good poetry, but some of these are readable, so I'll share some of them here.
The first set of semi-readable poems covers the first meetings between Beauty and the Beast. (These are all numbered, and I'm leaving the numbers in place to better differentiate between separate poems. I think the speaker in most of these is fairly clear from context, but just in case, I'll put the speaker's name in the title, too.)
VI. beauty and beast
he is every nightmare i’ve ever forgotten he is thunder and darkness and death he is fear with fangs he is beastly
she is every dream i’ve never dared for she is roses and sunlight and life she is hope with jewels she is beauty
*
VIII. beauty
the chair creaks when he sits
my knees quake when he speaks
the master laughs when i ask
when i will die
my ears doubt when i hear
my mind reels when i realize
the master wonders when i began
to think he’d kill me
IX. beast
the rules are these you are mistress of this castle the servants will obey your every whim the rooms and all within are yours including me
you will dine with me at dusk we will not speak if you want silence you will look at me and try not to scream
i will not harm a hair of your head i will not cause a moment’s worry you will do whatever you wish except leave
X. beauty
his mercy shatters my world makes it bigger and at the same time smaller
how can i live in a monster’s cage
my life will be long and lonely with him my friend and at the same time jailer
how can i look at a monster’s face
the castle teems with wonders that all belong to him and at the same time me
what do i do with a monster’s love
*
The next set of poems I feel like sharing starts with Beauty finding a portrait in the castle, and then leads into her sharing a dance with Beast that makes her kind of freak out over the fact that she might be falling in love.
XXII. beast
today you found a painting in a long-forgotten room covered in cobwebs and shrouded in dust
there was a reason it was lost
the portrait showed a man with a face like the dawn and eyes like the sea you thought he looked kind
he was young and a fool
you may keep it if you wish or lock it back in darkness it matters not to me i used to see him daily
i doubt i’ll see his face again
*
XXIV. beauty (and beast)
if rooms have souls the ballroom is wise a radiant beauty long past her prime
she treasures the days when she lived and was loved she keeps them and counts them like pearls on a string
(she is not the only one, my dear)
long past midnight in moonlight and hush this sleepwalking girl can glimpse former days
a flash of a gown and a whisper of waltz what glorious balls must this room have beheld
(they were marvelous indeed, my friend)
it seems a shame she grows old alone with nothing but darkness and dust held within
i would dance for her return the spark of life if only we had music and i had a partner
(i will gladly dance with you, my love)
XXV. beast
my dear beauty don’t you know i learned dancing long ago
one step closer take my hand with a waltz you’ll understand
let the music guide your feet in a dance that’s slow and sweet
hand in hand and heart to heart it’s not love but it’s a start
XXVI. beauty
he is hulking beastly
i am small delicate
i should be stumbling crushed
but
we marvelously miraculously dance
and it feels like flying
XXVII. beauty (to the portrait)
man on the wall i may be mad but i must give voice to the storm in my heart and you are the only one near
the master puzzles me i know his home as well as my own but i know so little about him
(is he beast or man or nightmare or dream or captor or friend)
i saw his face and thought him a beast
(but he grows roses and reads poems and has never killed or even raised his voice)
i heard his voice and thought him a monster
(but he spared my life gave me his home and all he owned offered his heart and never once has been anything but gentle)
i watched him dance and thought him a man
(with grace like an angel or a prince and i think that maybe he was not always so lonely and that his heart aches for things lost)
what am i to think do say be feel about him now
and why do these questions always come at midnight
*
The final poem is one that I had completely forgotten about, so I was shocked to find it lurking in the latter sections of the document and showing signs of using some decent imagery. By polishing up the last couple of lines, I've got something that's not half bad as a standalone poem.
This one occurs during an extended period when Beauty is still trying to process her feelings toward Beast and figure out if this is really love or if her feelings are being warped by isolation and close proximity.
XXX. beauty
if this is love it is a dark and grasping love a child stumbling in the night crying for a candle flame and cherishing the smallest spark of light
if this is love it is a bleak and desolate love a skeleton tree in a barren desert windbeaten and scrubbed to bone and bursting into bloom at the first drop of rain
if this is love it is a smoke and mirrors love a sleight of hand or trick of light that takes my broken heart and fools me into thinking he can make it whole
#answered asks#poetry#fictionadventurer poetry#adventures in writing#fairy tale retellings#beauty and the beast#i was surprised to find that for the most part the free verse was much better than the rhyming verse#in editing this i'd take out most of the rhyming poems#and work to actually characterize beauty and beast a bit more#i'm still debating whether this is worth polishing up#in terms of 'satisfying this mad desire to write a novel in verse'#this is the least labor-intensive one#a decent training ground for the format#(also can you tell that i was reading too much e.e. cummings when i originally wrote this?)#(unforunately all i managed to absorb was the most superficial stylistic things)#(i don't know if there was a thought process behind the specific line placement in beauty's 'talking to the portrait' poem)#(beyond just trying to convey that her thoughts are all over the place)#(so i didn't overthink the formatting here)#(but i do wonder what i could do with it if i had any clue how to go about using line structure like that)
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whoa guys did you see the new cards i really want alto's full art!!
made with this site! art without the text under the cut :D
#pokemon#pokemon oc#pokemon ranger#pokemon tcg#clai's ocs#oc: alto#clai's art#the thought process during this piece was literally ''NOOO I DONT WANT TO RENDER NOOOOO rendering is fine actually. i dont care anymore''#i tried to come up with a cool card effect? someone more well versed in the tcg please tell me if this is viable or op or sucks ass entirely#i will genuinely change the post if the effect is bad i want my beloved to have ONLY the best#other ideas i considered was smth like. finding a pokemon to play straight away to reference ranger capturing#or an effect that only benefit colorless type pokemon so that alto would pair with flying types that get assigned colorless#but since i wanted the card's name to be alto's Justice it felt more appropriate for the player to gain smth after being damaged#like maybe it depended on the opponents prize cards and how many they'd taken already#the prior effects like the colorless benefit would probably go on a standard ''Alto'' card that doesnt have the extra word appeneded yknow#i put plenty of thought into it haha i was browsing through the bulbapedia articles trying to figure out what a good card effect was#only played like. less than ten matches of tcg i'm still figuring stuff out JDJBFJF#the clouds also!! originally i was drawing generic fluffy clouds#but then it hit me. i named alto after specific clouds. why am i doing generic ones instead of the ones named Alto-Something#so these are meant to be altostratus! i can bearly draw generic clouds though idk how well i pulled off smth more specific HJEHFKF#had a lot to say abt this one i just really liked the idea of an alto card so i made sure it was as perfect as i could get it
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Can you make a tutorial on how you world build and make ocs? I can't seem to make any people in my brain, but then when I try to come up with environments jobs, beliefs and little details to slowly come up with someone, I think: well I don't really know how people have influenced the world- it's a weird loop
To be honest, I don't think I can! Writing is an extremely personal process. The way I write is directly related to how I process things, what I find important in stories, years of my own analysis of my and other's writing, etc... The way you write will be unique to you, as well. But I can explain how I personally think of it.
The short answer:
Write. Write anything and everything, it's a tool to explore your ideas. Analyze your own writing, and write more. Then, as you discover which ideas you want to develop, write more to explore them more. You won't know what you want otherwise!
The long answer:
I think this kind of loop is common. It's easy to feel like everything needs to be done "at once," because our job as writers is to make elements logically fit with each other for our readers. But as you've discovered, developing multiple elements simultaneously isn't really possible, or at least is extremely difficult.
Personally, when I think of writing, I break it into three major elements; characters, world, and plot. As much as possible every scene explores one or more of these, and as much as possible these three things tie back into what I personally consider most important: theme.
Everything I do is in service of the themes I want to present. Without them my events feel aimless. It can take a while to discover them, but they're the core of my work. You will have to discover what you feel is the core of yours. Analyzing other media helps with this too.
Concepts in your brain exist in a state of infinite potential. But when you start writing you have to start making choices, which removes potential as you move forward... But you have to move forward anyways. If there's ideas you want to explore later, you can always explore them later.
What this ends up meaning, to answer your question, is that I don't think of my characters as "people in my brain" or my worlds as something people have influenced... Not at their core, at least. They are tools that I use to represent specific ideas. Obviously they're also my blorbos, but mostly they're serving a specific narrative purpose.
So above all else... Write. Write, and discover what you're writing about, and then start over and write with that in mind. Keep doing this. But you have to write!
#I wish there were a cleaner answer to this kind of thing#and I also wish that there were a way to answer that didnt feel like 'just do it lol'#but... genuinely you kind of just have to do it!#I find it helps to reframe writing as trying to figure out which ideas I don't like#then if I write anything that feels bad to me#it's not about being a bad writer or anything like that. it's just something I dont want in my story and I delete it.#like if you find yourself naturally coming up with worldbuilding elements. its okay to just start there!#you can start like 'I really want giant mushrooms' and then start thinking about how cool that would be#and like oooh what if there were really cool caves full of mushrooms and all glowy yeaaah#then you start building people from that. colonies of fungal people or something. this is still worldbuilding#then you might think now. whats a plot that could go with this and show off my cool mushrooms.#maybe the mushrooms are all connected and the main one is dying and no one knows why. it's a classic plot.#if you still dont feel like you can find a character in that. keep going! why is it dying? how can it be saved? can it? if not then why?#etc etc etc. when I am writing I actually ltierally write out 101 questions like this as I'm going and then I answer them#and if I cant answer them. then I figure out a different situation that doesnt bring that question up LMFAO#eventually you can decide you want a hero who idfk will replace the big mushroom or something. a sacrifice and immortality simultaneously#then you can be like yeah so my themes are probably about sacrifice. connection to others. love for your community. stuff like that#and then you can go back to your world and say. yeah I think that people should have telepathic communication on some level!#I'm just making all this up right now but I just want to illustrate somehow how this kind of cyclical process can actually be a tool#because it's not about getting it all right at once. its about leaning into the cycle and how it guides you through developing these#anyways idk if this makes any sense. if this doesnt feel like it works for you then it probably literally doesnt#but writing more and analyzing writing more is ALWAYS good#it will never make your writing worse to do those things.#unfortunately (said with all the love in the world) writing is an endless process of learning more about who you are and what you care abou#its wonderful but it's hard and theres no way to skip that process#good luck!#asks#anon#writing stuff#oh also if at any point you go hm. that big thing isnt working for me I think...
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there is not enough caffeine in the world to address how tired i am 🥴
#it's the 12 year anniversary of my father's death and i just couldn't sleep well :/#not to mention how fucking hot it was last night????#but yeah#the more time passes the more it kinda eats at me#it should be the other way around but my relationship with my dad was complicated and i'm still trying to process it#i used to post on fb about it every year but i can't handle the onslaught of his friends telling me what a great guy he was#and how well they all knew him and i never had that relationship with him#it's selfish but it hurts knowing i was like a stranger to him#i have so few photos with him and so few memories#most of them were on facebook which his ex wife didn't hesitate to delete the moment he died#also i hate thinking this way but he had a huge estate when he died like $500k or something like that with heaps of community donations#and from that i got... $1400...#it's pointless but sometimes i wonder if life wouldn't have been so hard if i had gotten some of that money :/#anyway despite all this i do love him and miss him#i can still remember the way his voice sounded when he would call out my name after not seeing me for a while#and he was the only one who would listen to me talk at length about steampunk and anime#when i did get to see him he would always try to share quirky things from his childhood with me#i miss him so much#i always thought i'd have a chance to connect with him when i was older but he died so suddenly the chance never came#the same with my brother#i wish i could talk to them one last time and tell them i love them
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[ID start: Various digital sketches of Imagination Movers characters: Nina, Dave, Scott, Smitty and Rich. End ID.]
#moversposting#whiteboard sketches as warmup! kinda!#drew them from memory (except i looked up nina a few times) so it's like a fun little exercise#i was also rushing a bit so the sketches are lesser in quantity in the later pics lol#i don't remember how to draw a cowboy hat so could not draw smitty any further. since it's integral to his design lol#i guess i've only drawn rich and dave but i still need to study their hairstyles cuz i'm not that satisfied with em just yet#anyway you wanna know smthing. for some reason i couldn't draw them on my usual art software so when thinking about it#it felt like there were tiny movers in my head trying to solve the problem cuz it's like: ok whats causing this? maybe there's#not enough refs needed to draw them accurately and it's difficult starting from there? ok so we just do by memory. so#why are we still not drawing? maybe we don't know where to start cuz theres too many colour choices. and then bam- decided to#doodle on whiteboard for starters. just drawing them from what I know and limited colour options. idea emergency solved yeahh 🙌#ok that's all haha 4 movers have taken over a part of my brain processing perhaps.. the problem-solving part specifically#what am i yapping about !!!!!#my scribblings
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I wasn't kidding when I said I spent an hour just trying to sketch out the pose for this drawing! Sometimes you just gotta go through like 8 sketch layers to figure out what you're doing.
I also ended up looking at two references--this one from The Pose Archive, which I traced the legs from after struggling for a while to get proportions that looked right, and a photo of myself that I asked my roommate to take so I could figure out what to do with the arms. The process got significantly faster when I remembered I could use references and started working with them.
I think it's good to show some of the behind-the-scenes of your artwork every now and then, both because process is cool and because it removes some of the sheen of "whoa, i could never make that." I know I get discouraged at times by artists who "make it look easy," when really I can't see all the time and hard work that went into making something. I don't want to create that feeling for anyone else!
So, here's a glimpse into how much I struggled to get the pose right, and below is the timelapse where you can see how much I fiddled with the colors until I had something I was happy with. It was probably at least two hours of "i am spending way too much time on this" and "why does this still not look right" before I got to a point where I started thinking, "wow, this looks good." But I got there eventually, and I'm really happy I stuck it out!
#hmm what to tag this#stars wips#i've only used that for writing but it works#art process#i don't wanna be like 'obviously everyone must be comparing themselves to my amazing art' or anything lol#but i've been in that position and it sucks! i still compare myself to lots of artists who probably also feel insecure about their own art!#so it's important to me to stop every now and then and be clear about where I am#in terms of time and effort put in; in terms of materials; in terms of experience and education#so no one is trying to compare themselves to me and feeling that they come up short#when i spent five hours on something and they spent one; or when they're just starting out and i have multiple years of formal art educatio#because that is not a fair comparison! and at least for me it helps to know that#i'm so excited about how well this drawing turned out because i feel like it shows how much growth i've had recently#i do not think i could have made this (to the same level of quality) a year ago#let alone when i was younger and just starting out#anyway. i hope what i'm trying to do & say comes across here#and if you're just here cuz you like watching art timelapses i hope you enjoy it lol
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A-Qing, the little fox.
#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#a-qing#I needed to draw her happy one last time#i also really wanted to try my hand at drawing Hanfu. Clothing is still hard for me but I learned a lot!#the process was 1) get idea from the fox hairpin extra 2) thumbnail 3) look up references 4) accept that this is nearly an impossible task#5) do it anyways. For A-Qing#It has also been a while since the last better drawn mdzs. I've been getting better! B*)#I chickened out of having this be a ‘draw this in your style’ prompt….Perhaps in the future!#I want to improve a little more first I think. Psychically beaming my beloved mutuals to re-kick off DTIYS in my stead#I adore how A-Qing is associated with foxes! She is cleaver and quick to adapt! A trickster in many regards!#There is absolutely more to analyze here but I'm not well versed about Chinese mythology
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Been having a few Ventus thoughts™ lately, and one thing I landed on was;
You ever think that Ventus acts 'immature' for his age because- with the memory loss, time travel, comas and stifling by Eraqus he's endured, he hasn't been allowed to mature? Although he's the same age as Sora and Roxas, he's still gullible/too trusting/Head Empty because he's had years of his life stolen from him.
#He probably knows he's 16/17 but still doesn't have the life experience the others have so he's still acting like a younger kid#I say 'acting' I don't mean its an act he intentionally puts on#I mean it in the way that- that's how he behaves because he doesn't know any better#Still thinking about the whloe 'take two grown ups' thing in BBS#I also see a lot of fannon interpretation of Ventus as the 'youngest' brother/Sortas- me included#This doesn't invalidate any of the things he does. He's still trying his best and getting stronger#but I feel like this musing contextualise some of his thought processes and his actions#The kid needs some life experience that isn't him or his friends in dire circumstances#Kingdom Hearts#Ventus#i'm just rambling
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life is cruel.
it's tragic, horrific, and unfair. it gives us the worst of things, causes us to feel and experience things that are so unspeakably painful that sometimes I can't even. I can't even.
and it seems even more cruel in those moments of pain and grief and loss when you see something beautiful, like fall colors, or the color of the sky at sunset, or how the holidays typically are meant to bring joy to people but all you can think about now is that every year when this time of year comes, you'll just think about how tragic it is.
and cruel.
and horrific.
and unfair.
and beautiful.
#grief#grief tw#so i'm dealing with grief intimately for the first time like. ever. and i'm having a lot of emotions#and i can't help but observe that the way i write it in fic feels. kinda like how i feel right now? in some ways?#but also like. everyone goes through it differently and there's no like correct way to process#for me i'm. okay most of the time when i have a lot of stuff to do#which is like 90% of the time#but i'm also just feeling a lot of things and trying to figure out how to move forward#especially with the knowledge that life is short and cruel and you just never know what might happen#and i can't just not do the things i truly want to do with my life because i'm SCARED#because. you never know what might happen#you never know when the end is gonna come#anyways i drove back to my apartment today and i saw beautiful fall colors on the way#and all i can think is ''how can the world be so beautiful and so horrible at the same time''#''so beautiful and so fucking CRUEL at the same time''#''and to the people who least deserve its cruelty''#anyways that's where i'm at ig#still got two classes moving and a full time job to do while all of this is happening 🙃#all things considered. i'm okay. not great but i'm doing my best#really in my post tpm obi-wan era except to a lesser degree#but i certainly have a LOT of responsibilities to deal with along with my grief so. yeah.
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Scrolling through my old posts to check my current companion tags and I found my reaction to the series 8 trailer and it's so wild seeing me of 10 years ago say I'm not convinced by Peter Capaldi yet, who is my favourite Doctor of all time.
Like, I know he takes a while to warm up and I know it took me even longer to emotionally accept the fact that David Tennant had been knocked off the top spot, but it's just so weird to see!
#peter capaldi#doctor who#the twelfth doctor#twelve#you mean I wasn't instantly and irrevocably in love with Twelve from the moment his eyebrows appeared in Day of the Doctor???#with Ncuti I was immediately on board from the moment we saw his 'what the hell is going on' thing but apparently it took longer for Peter#I do remember I was excited by his casting announcement though#I was in Majorca and stayed back at the hotel with my dad for the special announcement show while my mum and aunt went out#and there's a photo of me grinning my head off when I joined them bc I was so excited#but clearly the trailers had me uncertain#tbf I do recall being a bit annoyed by the 'am I a good man' arc and series 8 Twelve is not Twelve at his peak#but like that's the point#anyway I'm not here trying to convince past me#she'll get there#just god it's so strange#but that's literally why I do this#this is the purpose of me logging all my doctor who thoughts in real time on tumblr.com and tagging them obsessively#so I can look back on them and see what my initial impressions were vs where I'm at now#dw#dwmine#mine#also in the process I just found a bunch of posts from 2013 and 2014 without tags of dwmine so I've fixed that now#I wonder how many are floating around from the early years of this blog#I've caught many of them over the years but clearly there are still some out there
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agree on your tags re the chemical cover. You can't ignore that there is a theme, and a theme that larries don't like (and tend to ignore). As much as I'd want them to be happy and together I'd wonder how his other half would think about him tainting his relationship in such a negative light.
see but this is so funny to me because me, I was like, man much as I tend to think they might be broken up then we have Louis coming along yet again like yeah so anyway long term relationship, same problems as the same relationship I've been talking about for years and years in songs rather than a song about being single or a break up or something different or whatever.... and then here's you saying the same thing shows that they AREN'T together! Just goes to show that whatever we read as being SO OBVIOUS there's always another way to see it when it's all just hints and shadows on the cave walls
#long term relationships are hard and full of struggle. if this is Louis' struggle with theirs I don't think it necessarily means#that the whole thing is No Good. tumblr is very black and white it makes sense people would go there but idk#I sort of admire the loyalty and commitment of putting in work and struggling to make it better even if its hard#thinking the person / relationship is worth it#anyway if that is the situation I'm sure Harry knows very well what Louis' struggle is and feelings#and he has his own; we've seen him with his books about trying to make long term love work and how its hard#admitting and processing struggle ... is it even bad? Idk#but for sure maybe they're broken up + Louis is still processing what obviously is to date the relationship of his life!#also a very valid interpretation! and maybe I can lean that way too... idk! all possible!
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