#also i'm mad at myself bc it took me this long to realize

[retromotherfuckers]

Violet Eyes, Red

Pairing:

rhysand x reader (pretty sure it's gender neutral - there might be a "she" i missed while referring to you from the original draft bc second person pov is not how i write)

Summary:

you and your mate reunite after feyre defeats amarantha and this is the fallout of what the bitch did to him.

Warnings:

aftermath of SA - i can't really tell if it's graphic which tells me it is, loose description of a panic attack, PTSD, please let me know if I missed anything. guys, please, if these topics are triggering for you, don't read this fic. i am not responsible for your media consumption, but i also don't want to throw you headfirst into your trauma.

Word Count:

2,140

A/N:

literally broke my own damn heart with this one. rhys' trauma is so ignored and that needed to be rectified. rhys might be my second favorite bat boy, but he's still a lil baby who needs to be protected

The human girl had beaten her - the woman of his nightmares - once and for all. At the first moment he could, Rhysand winnowed. After fifty years, he knew there was only one place he could go. After all, it was the last Sunday of the month, and that Sunday was the day he and his mate reserved just for themselves. The High Lord and Lady would not conduct any business on that day.

You'd spend most of your day on the balcony. You'd serenade him with the piano. You'd fly around Velaris - creating patterns in the air. You'd cradle each other in your arms. He'd sketch out a new drawing - trying and failing, in his opinion, to encapsulate your true beauty.

One day, he broke that promise, that vow you had made, and went to what he thought was a simple trade meeting. That morning was the last day he saw you, and he still couldn't live with himself.

Those memories alone kept him breathing at times. When Amarantha stole his bed, his body, his hope.

Then the human girl showed up, and he tried to help her. Wanted to give her what she needed to beat the beast he didn't think he'd ever escape. But he had lost the will to pray for it. To the cauldron, to the Mother Above. Despite his pessimism, she persevered. The girl had won. And then he was free.

He was on the balcony before he could even think about it. After a quick glance around, he realized it was empty. At first, he felt a pulse of disappointment, but with the realization of how long it'd been, he breathed deeply. How could he expect you to keep up the tradition? Fifty years of solitude on those Sundays would have made him mad if your roles were reversed.

At the thought, he allowed himself to feel the mating bond. It had gone cold the moment he winnowed away all those years ago, but now it was as beautiful as he remembered. The pull of another person at the end of a tether, forever binding them in the purest forms of fate.

But he heard your thoughts, and he almost broke down in sobs at the sound of your voice in his head. Please come home, my love. I don't know how to do this anymore. Please. The last word, you were begging. Your inner voice, the one he had to get used to living without, was broken. Pleading for him to return - despite everything you'd probably heard.

And with that, he took action, winnowing to every room in the house so he would find you as soon as possible. He knew you were close; your scent wasn't stale. It was fresh, clinging to every piece of furniture you owned together.

It was the last room he checked, his office, where he found you. You sat in his desk chair; the leather more worn than he remembered. But the sight of you stopped him from rushing to you. Nursing a bottle of wine, you slouched on your elbows, hands in your hair, as more thoughts streamed through the bond.

I'm losing myself, Rhys. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't let myself believe you won't come back because that- that will ruin me. What she's doing to you, what she's making you do. I don't even know a fraction of it, but I can't stop it. I- I can't protect you. And I hate myself for it. 

He was watching you as you sent the words down the bond, the bond that had been desolate for half a century. You run your hands down your face, not looking up from your wine, the third of many you planned to drown in.

Just get through it. Please just- just survive. Do what you have to do to come home. I'll be here. I love you. My mate.

You'd only allowed yourself to talk to him once a month. Initially, you would try to send him something every day. Thoughts, images, songs you'd learned, prayers for him. You never heard anything back, and it slowly started eating away at you. It shattered your hope every time you didn't get a response.

You'd heard the rumors, Amarantha's whore, he'd been called. Every time you heard it, it ate away at you more and more. As if he would choose that - choose to warm the bed of another when you were waiting for him at home. You knew him better than that, and you winced at the thought. He wouldn't choose it, but would she force him? Was she that much of a monster? 

You had to shake that thought away for the thousandth time that night, downing the rest of the glass. As you reach for the bottle, nearly empty at that point, a hand wraps around your wrist. The touch is gentle but firm - stopping you from drinking more, but not rough enough to hurt. Instead of startling at it, the wine slows your instincts. You can only stare. The tattoos on the dorsal side interweave into vines under the sleeve. Vines you know, vines that you've held, vines that have and will continue to have free rein of your body.

Faster than you thought you were capable of, your eyes flew to its owner's eyes. Violet. The most ravishing violet. Violet you'd feared you were forgetting.

With a new urgency, you pulled yourself to your feet, your hands flying up to his face without thinking. One on his cheek, the other on his neck, pushing, pulling, grabbing, unsure if it was your mind playing tricks on you.

In your desperate touch, you missed the way he flinched.

His hands. Mother Above, his beautiful hands were on your neck too, placed at the sides. When your mind would play you for a fool, it would never let you touch him, let alone allow him to reach you. But there he was, and you could feel him. You tugged at the bond, finally noticing it was warm and delicate and sweet and serene and everything you wished you knew how to describe. 

He breathed your name, barely a whisper. "I'm home, my darling. I'm home."

"You're here." The words barely escaped you, and you couldn't stop the tears. He didn't hesitate a moment, pulling you in for a frustratingly rare and fierce embrace. You clung to each other for dear life, tighter and tighter and tighter, like he'd disappear if you let him go. Frankly, you weren't convinced he wouldn't. "You're really here."

You stood like that for a while, holding each other, when he ultimately pulled away first. "Rh-Rhys, don't go-"

"I'm not," he promised, his voice raw, kissing your forehead. He took in every inch of your face. "I just wanted to look at you. My mate."

Since Rhys had been freed by the human girl, nothing had been normal. Not that you expected it to be, but you didn't anticipate just how awful a recovery for him would be. He couldn't share your bed, and you didn't mean that in a sexual manner. He couldn't sleep with anyone else in his room - if he had even been sleeping at all. He could barely stand to be touched. You knew he wanted to be able to let you, but every time you seemed to blink, he would flinch.

You had suspicions about what went on under the mountain, but you had no idea it would be so evil.

He stood before a cabinet, staring blankly into it, lost in a memory - a memory he'd been refusing to share. You understood why, but something in you told you that you needed to see. Not just for curiosity's sake but to know how to help him. Even if it was past your pay grade.

"Rhys," You called quietly for the second time. You didn't want to touch him, shock him back to reality. The fear of that setting him off more held you back. With a harsh and sudden breath, he fearfully glanced at you and around the room, forgetting where he was for a moment. "You're at home, Rhys. You came home."

"I'm sorry," He rasped, ignoring your words. His hands pulled at his hair, and you were nervous he'd start ripping it out. He backed away from you, so far away he was caught by the wall. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Your own formed at the sight of his tears, but you couldn't conjure up what he'd have to apologize for. "It's okay, honey, you're safe. It's okay."

"I didn't- I didn't want it. I swear on my life, I didn't want to."

You shook your head, not understanding. But you knew asking what he was apologizing for was the wrong thing to do. You could see it, the shame, the regret, the blame. "I know you didn't."

He squeezed his eyes shut, buried his face in his hands, and sank to the floor. He kept murmuring apologies, pleading for your forgiveness. "I betrayed you, you have to- you have to leave me."

His words shocked you, and now you were the one that flinched. "Rhysand, look at me." He visibly shrunk at the command, pulling his hands away from his face. "As far as I'm concerned, anything that happened...there...is the furthest thing from your fault. I know there are things you can't tell me, and that's okay. I'll be here when you're ready-"

"I can't!" He bellowed. "You'll never forgive-"

"Show me the memory." You demanded, your voice quiet but assertive. But you wouldn't push too hard if he was adamant about keeping you out. You knew. You knew. Based on the way he had been acting, what had happened. But you also knew he needed to show you. So someone, fucking someone, would tell him it was out of his control. He couldn't govern everything, even if he was the High Lord of the Night Court. The words hurt as they left your lips. "Because I can promise you that I will."

You weren't a daemati, but you could see him battling with himself. Debating, if showing you what really happened, would bury him deeper under the surface or pull him back up for air.

Eventually, he released a rare sob and a barely audible "Okay."

He showed you the first time, how he just laid there like a statue as her hands took everything for herself. Then, the fifth time, when she started demanding he respond, pretend he wanted it. Then, the eleventh time, when his body started reacting. Then, by the next time, he had stopped keeping count.

He showed you, whether he meant to or not, how he prayed for it to end, prayed for someone to rescue him.

How he had been praying for you.

With the confirmation of your theory, you squeezed your eyes shut, trying and failing to hold back the tears. The angry tears, wishing you could've been the one to rip her throat out. Tears that enraged you because that was not Tamlin's kill. Furious tears because that wasn't even your kill. Devastating tears because your mate not only had to play a character for so long, but he had to endure being called her whore. Like he had any fucking say. 

Overwhelming tears because your mate was in pain and there was shit all you could do about it.

"Can I touch you?" The question shocks him, but he nods without thinking, confused at the request. You slowly lift your hands to his cheeks, brushing away his tears with your thumbs. "There is nothing for me to forgive you for. I know you didn't want to do any of it."

"But I-"

"Bodies respond to stimulation whether it's wanted or not. It's how we work." You explained slowly and carefully, keeping direct eye contact. "You forget, sweetheart. I can hear your thoughts when you show me a memory."

"I've-" His voice caught, putting his hands on your wrists, rubbing them up and down your arms until they got hot. "I've been so scared. That it's still happening. That all of this is going to go away, that she's not really gone, that I'm not really here, and this is just another tactic-"

You shake your head, finally pulling yourself together to say what you've wanted to say for weeks. "I swear on my life that I will never let anyone hurt you like that again. I will spend eternity protecting you from her and anyone like her. And if you forget that this is real, just ask me. I'll tell you."

His eyes darted between yours, furiously blinking. Violet eyes, red. Pleading craving begging praying.

"Is it?"

[galaxy-forgotten]

Hi, I finally got my copy of Baldur's Gate III over the summer and I'm now on my forth playthrough, someone help lmao

I'm actually in love with this game??? I'm so glad that I held off on getting it, but at the same time, I'm upset that I didn't buy it sooner 😭 I love the whole cast dearly, but given my track record w/ my favs, of course my favorite one is Astarion lol! His dramatic flair, the chaos, and his pettiness are hilarious, it's right up my alley! Also his story is amazing, oml

I brute-forced my way through my first run of the game lol. During my first playthrough, I essentially (accidentally) speedran things bc I didn't understand how time worked (I basically never long-rested and abused the short rest system + potions bc I thought that I'd miss things or accidentally would trigger events), and I missed so much lmao. I missed the Owlbear, I missed a lot of characterization, and I even missed Karlach and Lae'zel! I couldn't find out how to get to Karlach through the Risen Road, and I left Lae'zel behind bc I took Shadowheart for her word when she said that Lae'zel just left us 😭 I was so mad when I went back and actually found them, only to realize how strong they were and how I needlessly got my ass kicked so bad in the Goblin camp, it was embarrassing 💀 I even got the alternative scene where Astarion just straight-up admits he's a vampire instead of trying to bite me! I was just trying to go w/ the flow, and I almost ended up letting Shadowheart do her Dark Justiciar thing (she chose not to), I let Astarion ascend briefly (the Gur kicked my ass so bad that I went back and reloaded before the ascension just to avoid the fight, I had no way to heal lol), and Gale pulled up as the Silver Surfer to my reunion camp and I was so mad 😭 Second playthough gave me more of an opportunity to see what I missed, and it was amazing!! Taking my time to long rest and actually get to know the game and its characters did wonders, wouldn't you know it lmao

Of course, while I did romance Astarion my first playthough, I actually didn't know who to romance coming into the game! I was immediately charmed by Gale when he was introduced, and I was almost convinced to go down his route bc I love his little quirks lol (fellow booklover myself). I believe that if I actually made the decision to romance him first, he'd be my fav, but Astarion took the cake for sure, I've romanced him 3 of my four playthoughs lol. Will be going down other routes as well, I'm not done with this game!!

I've been trying to get into DnD for a while now (since high school!!!) but of course, this game is what finally gave me the push to start trying to learn how to play! I'm a storyteller by nature, so it's something that I feel like I'd love! Pray for me as I try to get a hold on the rules and stuff lol

[soulprompts]

I had a few quick thoughts in the middle of the night when i read your prompts and comments, so, i thought: ''Just made this roleplay blog a week ago and i'm too insecure to ask anyone for roleplay''

But here i am, reading to get some inspiration even if i don't roleplay right now or have mutuals because everything is foreign to me, thank you very much, at least i can daydream about silly scenarios :")

hi my friend! let me start by thanking you for sending this in, i'm so glad you like my prompts, and i'm very touched that you reached out! i also wanna say that you can absolutely skip the next two paragraphs, i'm waffling, i love waffling, i refuse to change this about myself!

now i wanna respond with a few little-known facts about myself. when i first joined tumblr, years and years ago, i made a natasha romanoff blog because i thought it'd be the best way to start up in the rpc. it took me a month, a MONTH, to so much as follow another soul on that blog. and it was a mess, like i didn't have a rules page, i didn't have a bio, i had very limited understanding of the rpc, i was just this teenager who was beyond pumped to write with people! then i realized my anxiety outweighed the excitement and i did nothing for a solid month.

then, after that month, i guess i just chose a rare moment of confidence to start following people, and they helped me massively, i still write with them to this day! but part of the reason that i wasn't hitting it off with a lot of people was because i really didn't feel comfortable writing natasha romanoff. like, it felt like an obligation. and i suppose i picked her to please people, and i'll always stand by this, it was the dumbest thing i ever did! so then i started writing my female OC, and i am still so lucky to have surrounded myself with friends who love and support her to this day, and because i was passionate about writing her story, i began to gain more mutuals! bc people can pick up on that, yk? they can always tell when you're really invested in something. i wrote five paragraphs about my OCs moisturiser (nivea) and honestly i'm very proud of it!

'blue, why are u talking about this?' excellent question! it's because in the month i was literally taking a vow of silence, i still scrolled through the dash. i wanted to understand the rpc in my own space! i read prompt lists, headcanons, ooc posts, threads, drabbles, metas, you name it. and while i was reading them, like you mentioned, it DID feel foreign!! and that's the BEST way to describe it! it's a whole new language, a whole new set of rules and norms and systems to understand! isn't it absolutely wild how we just expect people to figure it out over night?? madness! you're doing so so well just by being here and getting yourself familiar with this place! even if you spend the next year just reading prompts and thinking of scenarios, you're still doing a fantastic job!

tumblr can be a fantastic place, but it's still a brand new experience, and most of us have been here for so long that we understand the general gist of what's going on. we know the good, the bad and the ugly sides of everything. and what i always strive for in this particular blog is to have a space where people can ask for help and support one another, because let's be honest, if we can't do that, then why on earth are we calling ourselves a community? so if you have any questions, or if you want some help, please don't be scared to ask! i can already tell that you've got the perfect mindset for the rpc!

[heavenbarnes]

Cosmos, I'm really tearing myself to pieces over some dumb mistake I made and I just need some reassurance if that’s okay

I used to be super close with this one person, we even considered calling what we have a queer platonic relationship. They had a friends with benefits thing going on with this super cute guy and he also seemed interested in me—I asked if they’re okay with it, they just didn’t want me to get intimate with him. Fine by me!

Guy and me kissed while we were both drunk, several times. My friend freaked out and got really nasty towards me, even tho they admitted that they didn’t make that boundary clear after I asked several times.

Things fall apart a little and they tell me to stop apologizing because they don’t wanna hear it. I understand! I should’ve stayed away from that guy from the beginning bc like what am I doing?? They don’t let me explain and threaten to block me.

So, I try to give them space. We have a bar we frequent a lot with a shared friend group. I ask them if it’s okay if I go there, they say they’d prefer me not to but then two of my other buds tell me they’d really love to see me. I go and they send me a voice message sort of accusing me of disrespecting their boundaries on purpose—I absolutely understand that it was incredibly unkind of me to go even after I asked and they said no. I wanted to apologize for being a very inconsiderate friend but they sent me another voice message threatening to cause a huge scene if I show up at that bar the next few days and that they’d block me if I respond or apologize in any way.

I would’ve loved to explain myself and apologize, but I also understand that it’s just frustrating and doesn’t fix anything for them. I respect their wishes!

That all happened about a month ago and today I really messed up again. They’re a system and are constantly looking for other systems to befriend! I met another system that decided to transition the body at a party today and they asked about my friend, so I gave them my friend‘s public instagram account.

Big mistake!! They basically told me it’s incredibly unsafe and invasive for me to do something like that. They don’t know that system and want me to ask before doing something like that. I absolutely agree that this was 100% a super stupid mistake on my part, I should’ve used my brain. I said as much but they once again just got real nasty with me and told me I have no common sense.

Don’t worry, I think they have every right to be angry at me for this. I could’ve given the other system their discord server, system account, or asked first!! I really fucked up there and put their safety on the line, but I clearly didn’t do it out of malicious intend. I thought I was connecting people (still no excuse)!

Would I be horrible for deciding to stop trying to be their friend because of their nasty behavior towards me? Because I apologized a million times over, tried to explain myself, and even respected their boundaries after they threatened me.

I‘m not mad at them for being angry, they have every right to feel the way they do, but they swore at me, threatened me, called me stupid and implied that I’m doing all of this out of malicious intend. I just can’t handle someone in my life that will consider me an evil person for making honest, human mistakes.

My friends all say I should give them time and all will be good, but they don’t really understand that their behavior towards me wasn’t okay either. That guy they have a thing going on with is the only one that agrees with me to a certain extend. He offered to read the messages for me because I was shaking and crying because I felt like the worst friend in history and he was aghast. I wouldn’t have realized that they were being a little cruel towards me if he hadn’t pointed it out!!

I‘m sorry this is so long, I just feel like such a shitty person but I also want to stand up for myself a little. They have a tendency to put people around them down and I just took it for the longest time. I messed up big time, yeah, and I deserve to feel the consequences of my impulsive behavior. But am I really that bad? Am I a shitty person?

(ok, you have to understand really quickly that i’m 25 years old and i live in a very rural area in a very small island country - i have absolutely no idea what a large portion of this message means but i will do my best 🫶🏼)

do you want my harsh honest opinion? stop asking this person for permission before you live your life

sure, checking with them before you got close with a person they were hooking up with is valid but do not be asking other people if you can go to a bar to see your friends, you do not need anyone else’s permission to live

frequently throughout this message you have absolutely torn yourself apart and made yourself out to be like, the worst person ever, and it’s fundamentally not true

without knowing the whole story, i think this other person has a lot of stuff going on with them and they seem to be taking any chance to make it your fault when really- there is very little correlation

let yourself be, live your own life and if your paths intersect with this person again, that’s cool- but if they don’t, that is probably for the best

you aren’t horrible, your aren’t terrible, you are a human being that is doing their very best and doesn’t exist to benefit other people- take care of yourself, my friend

(i’ve just called my younger sister and she’s explained to me what “system” and “transition the body” means - apologies for not knowing that sooner i’m unsure if this advice applies in this context, perhaps take it with a grain of salt)

[balkanradfem]

About your situation, I think it might work out, but you also need to be careful. I personally had that women, when disappointed with men, tried to flirt with me, or toy with idea of being with women, but they often turned back to men after, because being with women is not easier and comes with own set of shame and social setbacks, so they are not ready. So personally I would keep distance untill I see that other woman has strong conviction she is into women now (lesiban or febfem), because my exprience trying to better men while she is also actively is into men simultaneously was traumatic. I can't better them, not in the eyes of a woman with patriarchal mindset. Not in terms of owning more money and resources, as it was what the woman I liked looked for.

And seconds, personally I sometimes mask as het, like fish out some 15 years old experience of when I man romantically chased me to keep up with conversation, I stopped doing it because I realized it makes me very depressed, but at some point I was doing it without thinking, out of fear not to appear het enough. So maybe it was her case to extent also, sort of probing. I don't know.

And third, eastern slavic women (as i'm one too) often fooled me like that, because they can be very flirty and adoring you, but they limit it strictly to 'friend' level. Or, we often tend to think that it's ok limit to how friend interact. I upon some thinking began to think I rather find it ok, it's better if women have affection to each other, but it makes me confused often. Where I go eh why does she hug me so much? but then ah it's just friendly thing for her, ok.

I had experience when a new friend I was meeting was really looking me over, I would suspect it's almost as if she invited me on a date, she also tried to carry my bag (after asking to carry her things in my back, which was a bit weird). So it's something men often offer to do on dates, I refused, but paired with that awkward long looking me over, I felt like she's having instant crush on me. But then she mentioned husband, and I was all "????????". Granted everything is bad with her husband and she plans divorce, so maybe she wanted a support in the meantime, but I felt it to be unjust towards me.

Bottom line, my experience, women often look for being with other woman, but all the experience I had like that, they did not take it with serious conviction, but took it as silly adventure that does not need to lead to anything, if their mindset is patriarchal still, and I felt degraded, bc I was serious, and they seen me, I felt, along with my feelings, as funny puppy to make them feel better. Like, if they are very patriarchal in their head, they try to harvest my energy the same way the men try to do that, and because they are women, I let my guard down. But now I learned to be cautious.

So if that was me, I kept that friend at friendly distance before I learn more of her opinions on life and how set she is in wanting to pursue women, maybe encourage her a bit, but not jump right in. Because I burned myself.

Hey thank you for this detailed and insightful advice! I am so sorry your experiences with women were so painful, that was extremely shitty, I would also feel degraded and crushed if women thought I was just a side adventure when I felt seriously about them.

I see that you've been subjected to the same madness upon having women who are married/not interested, do flirting actions, that is insane. Why are they torturing us. Is it fun. Do they enjoy making us confused and baffled. What do they get out of it. I need them to stop that!!!

And don't worry, I used to have a crush on her, but since she called me child names I know it wouldn't work out, I am now completely set on never trying to date her, I merely wanted to know what her orientation is and be friends. At this point if she even wanted something I would either say no or stop it very early on. I'd say she's too pretty for me so it cannot work out xD thats my plan at least. But I'm still waiting just to see if she's straight, we cannot get out of this confusion.

[golbrocklovely]

everyone deals with traumatic events differently, maybe Colby chose to keep working for the purpose of keeping busy and to take his mind off this terrible thing that he was going through. It's a very human coping mechanism.

I say this because this is my escape mechanism for some medical things that I have gone through similar to Colbys, the doctors even encouraged me to keep busy and to try and continue doing things like work and tbh if I hadn't I think I would have given up or lost myself to the darkness.

So taking a break is all well and good but it might not have been what he needed at the time for his mental sanity (we already know in one moment of quiet where he was not keeping busy he messed around with the bald filter on his phone which is a hint that quiet doing nothing time allowed the thoughts to seep in, because they do seep in anytime your not finding some way to keep busy when going through that), so please don't be mad at him for not taking one when he was going through it all.

By the sounds of it from the podcast now the stressful thing has passed and he has the all clear they are planning some kind of holiday in November, hopefully it will be a long one because I do agree Colby especially needs a break. I also agree that he needs to talk to a professional now as well and maybe he does but we don't know about it, I mean it took ages for Sam to confess to seeing someone as it's a very private thing and not everyone feels comfortable saying they see a therapist especially if they are under the publics eye.

i'm not mad that he didn't take a break. if it's coming across like that, that's not my intention. if anything it's heartbreak for him, maybe frustration at the most. i agree with you that he probably had to work thru the diagnosis and chemo bc otherwise it would have gotten bad for him mentally. that's for sure. and i get why he did it, bc at the end of the day he's a work horse. both him and sam don't know how to take an actual break, with absolutely no working whatsoever. i mean even posting for us or anything. they don't know how to do that.

my issue is that it seemed like, to me, that he needed a break way before even finding out he had cancer. last year wasn't exactly a great time for him. he seemed really upset for a while, even talked about not really liking himself/his appearance. it seemed like, to me, his summer was kinda spent feeling this way. along with everything else that went on last year, i just think the last half of the year he seemed off.

then on xplrclub, they did a final podcast at the tail end of december and he talked about his vacation by himself for three days in hawaii - one of them being christmas itself - and that was the most enthused i've seen him in a while. he seemed so happy to take a break. he even joked about looking at real estate in hawaii. and sam…. talked about wanting to jump back into working, but knew nothing would happen until after new years since ppl don't start working until then. and colby, to me, did not seem happy to get back into things. he didn't seem upset, but you could just tell he probably wanted more time to chill out. they talked about how much work they had last year and how they weren't sure how to top that (as if any of us really needed them to do that, but that's besides the point). and colby has mentioned on more than one occasion about getting overwhelmed and stressed out over the workload they set for themselves.

all of this is to say, that while i get why he worked during the entire cancer process, chemo included, it clearly didn't help him in the long run. bc he never got to work thru what having cancer even truly meant. he literally lost a body part and went thru something traumatic and did not process any of it. i get preoccupying yourself, but that doesn't mean you force yourself to not realize what you're going thru. that's no better. i mean, he said it himself that he doesn't even think he's come to terms with the fact he had cancer and that he lost a part of himself. and that he's gonna have to deal with that for the rest of his life. he himself said that almost verbatim on xplrclub. again, i get not wanting to lose yourself to the darkness, but you can't ignore it either. it's still gonna be there whether you turn your back to it or not.

that's why i feel like after he knew he was cancer free, instead of headfirst diving into work again like nothing happened (after a week of binge drinking in japan), he should have took time to really heal or actually take a break. bc it seems like once he had an ounce of time to think about all he's been thru, it was too much for him. and forcing yourself to work instead of facing your problems is not the best strategy, i'm sorry. not only that, he pointed out (based on what he said in an extended version of the 'i have cancer' video he put on xplrclub) that one of the reasons he went back into work during chemo was bc he felt like so many ppl relied on him to get better and jump back into things like nothing changed. obviously he worked bc he wanted to, but i think he also thought he couldn't take a break or shouldn't, at the very least. and that's just not healthy. it was funny back in the day for snc to joke about not having a work/life balance, but that's not the case anymore. the fact they don't have personal lives as much as they should have is concerning, not cute.

and again none of this is meant to be me saying colby's dumb or stupid for his decisions. i'm not saying that at all and i don't feel that way either. i get why he chose what he did. i just wish he understood that taking a break is also a valid, and really necessary, choice that he should make. sam included. they both went thru hell and i don't think they've realized it bc they force a smile and keep pushing on. you can only say 'it is what it is' so many times.

and as for the therapy, i truly hope he is seeking something out. whether it's with a professional or even in a group setting. just something. and i get him not wanting to tell us if that is the case. totally understandable, i don't fault him if he is seeking treatment but isn't saying anything to us. i don't personally think he is just bc he hasn't even alluded to it and he has always talked so positively about mental health and seeking treatment when you need it, that i find it a bit strange for him to not mention it if he was. but again, it's his choice and if he wants to tell us, cool. and if not, also cool.

[mmmlonely]

Okay! I cut my hair today, and I really like the way it came out. Wasn't too drastic I just kinda lifted it off my shoulders and it looks good. Did a better job than last time. Still kinda disappointed I can't have long hair without feeling too feminine and I do already miss the long hair, but it's still in my style and ik I'll be seen as more masculine to the general public so that's a plus ig.

This haircut kinda made me realize something tho! Doesn't even have to do with the hair at all surprisingly! My shirt got really fucking itchy so I took it off. And usually whenever I'm in the bathroom for Any reason I'll turn off the lights to avoid seeing myself (and prevent picking at my skin, tho that's a different story). But obviously I can't cut my hair in the dark. So it's been a long time since I last actually saw myself in the mirror. The surprising part is that I don't really hate it? Like, okay, I've got tits. Still don't really enjoy that fact, but I didn't feel the panic that I used to have this time? I mean it'd be great to get them off but it doesn't really seem like a priority, in some weird way. (Gonna start describing my body bc I wanna get this feeling into words and have something to look back on when the dysphoria hits, don't keep reading if you don't wanna hear that) I kinda have a dad bod. At least I think this is what people mean when they say dad bod, broad shoulders and some extra weight but not really in a bad way. Not a beer belly bc I don't drink, and also really not That pronounced, but like again I'm not fit at all so it's there. (Side note bc this makes me happy!! Went to the doctors recently, I've stayed a very consistent 180lbs for like the past 3 years⁉️ I used to feel bad about it bc I am decently overweight for my height according to those stupid bmi things but like. It hasn't changed in either direction so obviously I'm healthy And now I'm feeling good about the way I look so who gives a fuck <3) anyway back to my "dad bod" ig! My tits are unfortunately pointy bc that's just what they do ig But I'm not mad at the size of them, do I wish I was flatter? Yeah obviously but again like. I'm really not that much different shirtless compared to when I see my dad or my younger brother shirtless. Again unfortunately pointy but I do not care, that only makes a bad silhouette while I'm wearing a shirt and I'm Not rn so >:) I look like a guy. Genuinely. My torso is more rectangular than I used to think, I actually really like my shoulders, and my weight is playing to my advantage and helping me feel okay about my body pre-op. Oh and hair!!!! Okay this might be weird but body hair is actually so important to me bc it's such a stereotypically masculine thing (and even if it wasn't I think I'd still personally want it bc it fits the vibe). I don't really have chest hair but there's like a little bit⁉️ it's really not noticeable and like if I was a cis guy I don't think I'd want it but this is nice rn. And!!!!!!! Idk what it's called so this is gonna be an unfortunate description but yknow the hair that some guys have that's like a line that goes from their belly button down to their dick? I have that‼️ i don't have a dick but at least I have the aesthetic💯 That's really the only body hair I was gonna talk about in this it was just that line I think it's cool and manly of me. Ofc I haven't shaved my armpits in years and my legs are sporting some luscious locks (only really my calves tho 😭 wish it went up my thighs more like some guys have it but that's alright) and I have enough hair on my forearms that I don't feel super insecure about it. But I feel masculine rn!! That's the whole point!! Maybe I don't hate my body that much?? I still have things to complain about trust me (my hips do not fit the rectangle that is my torso and. Idk what everyone's obsession with "gyatts" is rn I don't understand it, I have one and I do Not want it bc it fucks up the side profile obviously men don't have gyatts I don't want it ❌) but like!!!! I am Comfortably laying in my bed rn in just basketball shorts and no shirt and I don't feel like shit about it!! And my desk lamp is on!! I'm not tricking myself into anything I legit just feel like good rn!!!

Thank you haircut that was mildly sad but still good for showing me that I'm most definitely a guy 😎💯 and maybe even a kinda attractive one for people who are into dad bods 😎💯 really hope my girlfriend is in that category of people 😎💯 (that's a whole other post waiting to happen tho, not gonna get into my insecurities about that rn)

Aight thank ya'll for listening 🙏

[cheswirls]

oh the woes of having multiple hobbies....

i think it being artfight month is making me sink back into the 'i shouldn't want to do anythin but draw until this is done' mood i usually have during the semester which is.. ick, kinda

the other day i had the urge to write (unmedicated too!! that doesn't happen very often anymore!) and i should've jus acted upon that but i ended up guilttripping myself w the whole 'you should do art instead its only 30 days its only once a year' which is already so suffocating. i ended up doing neither actually in part bc i psyched myself out abt making a choice so in the nd i made no choice (typical when unmedicated so this is the okay-ish norm tbh) and think i tired myself out enough to go to sleep. i woke up to an art file on my laptop so i intented to start smth i guess

also i think checking out an ipad from campus during the semester is so much easier to draw on vs the hassle that is drawing on my display tablet these days. i miss my wacom if only bc it was wireless and thin and easy to power on and get going. with this new tablet i have to plug in 3 diff cords and its bulkier nd i gotta scoot my laptop on my desk to still be in reach bc the tablet has no touch function and it takes A LOT of power and effort out of my laptop thats 12 yrs old now. it makes drawing digitally that much more of a chore tbh and is partially the reason i've doodled so much traditionally in the past year and kept all my digital art for uni work only

which another point. is uh. idk i think i'm rambling now but. last year i got super excited for artfight and drafted a bunch of stuff digitally and was sitting at the coffee table in the main room of my apt for the first time in so long and it was going well until i got rly into tetherverse again n started working on the sequel like mad and that stole away a lot of my drawing motivation. i had two handfuls of of artfight attacks sketched and only ever finished a SINGLE one last year which was terribly disappointing. and then i think realizing that at the end of the month absolutely killed my desire to work on the writing project i'd grown so passionate about too. vicious cycle all around rly.

i dont want it to be llike that this year but once again now that artfight is here even tho its a fun thing i've made it a "requirement" in my mind which kills all my passion to work on it. i think the term is... obligation? when something turns from doing it for fun into an obligation i Have to complete then i lose allllllll motivation and desire to do it. it's THEEE reason i'm always telling my dad i could never write books for a living, bc writing is a hobby first nd foremost and although i enjoy it a lot i know as soon as i become tied down to a project and i Have To complete it or face consequences then it will suck all the fun out of it

this is the same way for school and part of the reason uni's been so hard since.... ever, really, and it's jus taken me long to realise it. i get really into an art project at the start and then as deadlines and check-ins and such creep up i become less and less engaged. i have no trouble completing things in one sitting if given the time to do so if i'm 100% invested and engaged. during spring break 2022 i stayed up for almost three nights and two days and did nothing but research and write almost 25k for a fic opener. if i had work or anything else those days i literally cannot recall. the only thing i remember doing is taking a break to walk 15min to go and pay rent and that's when it rly set in how much caffeine i'd had and how long i'd been up writing.

all of that to say that if i'm into something i can waste away working until it's done. i've said this before bit making a wip folder for art Killed™ my art creating process. i used to have one file open and work on it until it was done, and if that took me more than one full day then i'd sleep on it and finish it the very next day. i don't rmember that happening very often. now i leave things unfinished all the time and its terrible. i also have a Lot Less free time to be fair but also. also. i cannot multitask so as soon as i save a wip and move on to the next it fucking bites the dust. i've gotten into the habit of leaving smth unfinished in another window on csp in hopes that i'll jump bck to it but i stopped that after a while bc i jus collect windows like i collect internet browser tabs.

i also think to go along w the time thing.. i have to mentally acknowledge that i have sufficient time to devote to smth. i'm not the type of person that can do smth for 15 min then jump up and do smth else. if i could write 100 words a day for a fic every day then i'd have far, far less wips than i do now. its harder especially to do this for fic bc a lot of what i do is longer work and sometimes i have to sink into it. if i'm writing for a 50k+ fic i haven't touched for even a month then i need time to go over what i have and what my plans are. it's much harder to work on a longer fic after a bit has passed than it is to pick up a shorter one bc it requires less time to dive back into the world. especially if its been like 6mo-1yr, before i even start writing again i gotta reread everything i've written up to that point. that takes more than a day, and i might get tired and move on to smth else before i've even finished rereading which is so exhausting. it's exhausting to work on so many diff things at once.

with art that means i gotta have time to fight w my display tablet and get everything settled. it takes so much work and effort that if i only have a couple hours, i feel like even that's not enough bc i know i'll have to stop before i'm done. if it takes me 90 minutes to get into drawing and i gotta be ready to leave in another 30 then like whats???? the point rly???? that's how i think tho!!!! it sucks !!!!! if i'm up at 8am but ik i have smth to do at 5p then my whole day revolves around that thing happening in 9 hrs. when it hits 12p i theoretically have enough time to do smth but executive dysfunction makes it hard to pick a singular task to prioritize, and when its 3hrs away from w/e i have to do suddenly nothing is worth it anymore. i'm very much a 'sink into it' creative person which means i cannot jus dive in and work on smth. i gotta have music, i gotta have some focus, i gotta be comfortable, i gotta have my mood set to w/e i'm doing, i gotta know what direction i'm going in,a nd i gotta have energy and enthusiasm to do said creative task. all of that aligning w/ inattentive adhd is so hard and makes life so miserable, but this is compounded even moreeeeeee by not being able to work unless i make my mind feel like i have ample time to do so. mainly bc if i get rly into smth then have to stop for an obligation that i'd rather do less (mainly work! rather would do anything but work but alas) than what i'm doing currently then it drains all my energy very rapidly and i get so disappointed. w/e i'm doing after, whether it be work or class or w/e, is with an air of such disdain bc it interrupted the 'special thing i was doing' that it makes life hell in all honesty. i want to put myself thru that the least amount of times possible which is why i never start anything i know i'll have to put down w/o being able to finish. let me rephrase that. being able to finish as i'd like it. working on a super long fic but writing enough for a chapter or running out of steam on my own and finishing a scene and then being dragged away to smth else is fine, bc i've "finished" on my end even if not in full. it's being interrupted in the middle of the process when i'm not ready to quit, basically. that kind of "finished" is what i mean. if i have 2 hrs and it takes me an hr to find references and i'm not exhausted after that then another 20m to sketch smth decent and only with like half an hr or so left am i into what i'm doing then what's the point?? especially when, as established, i can push a drawing into the wip folder and forget abt it if i'm no longer "into it" when i'm back and have time to draw again.

long rambling i'm tired of but basically it's the season of drawing obligations again and i wanna try this year to have fun and do what i want but ALSo not feel guilty abt doing smth that is not drawing for other ppl, which i already do so much of year round anyway (i love it, this is not a complaint). i wanna be able to write and play pkmn and read and do whatever and not feel like i Have to be artfighting every second of the day.

[greg-montgomery]

Okay so absolutely loving your writing sm <3

So I had this idea while, of course, scrolling down the aaron x reader tag so like you dont have to write it if you dont want to but i wanna throw this out here bc otherwise itll stay stuck in my brain

But like reader who is just,, incredibly shy? Like in social situations they put up a front and you would never expect them to be shy because theyre very present and speak up often despite almost blending in the background when quiet. But its a whole other story at home and such?

Like, Aaron notices and first thinks theyre uncomfortable with him but he slowly realizes that this is like, their love language ig and showing vulnerability? Quiet time, acts of service and such yk? Like, they always put up a front and to drop that (not entirely ofc but a decent amount of it) is just the highest form of trust bc theyve been ridiculed for being shy? And the shyness is much more present in the bedroom, especially when he praises them they just get even more shy and hes just so so gentle :(( like asking if theyre okay, going slowly and asking to see them when they hide their face but never forcing them to and just like praising them when they do and the praise kink of them just sticks its head up and its just the purest form of being together? Like, its not rough but gentle and its soft and theres really no other word than making love for it and its all just :(( and the aftercare the man would provide is just AHHH😭❤️

Oh dear im so sorry but i got sucked into the fandom and got obsessed by hotch and then your writing so- this is so long so imma shut up now but i just needed to throw it out there tbh before id explode from all the hotch ideas i have in my mind that im not writing myself or giving to any writer bc what if they think the ideas are weird or too long like rn- but anyway imma shut up have a nice day/night and hydrate <3 (also you might see more of me if you dont mind long ass rants in the middle of it like this one- if you do mind just tell me to shut up im not gonna be mad or anything <3/srs)

-🧽

my sweet sweet 🧽 anon <33 this took me a while to write i'm sorry!! i hope you've been well!! i think about you a lot and i haven't forgotten the kind words you had sent to me <3 i hope you enjoy this!! (and ofc i don’t mind long rants i LOVE talking about aaron <3333)

nsfw - minors dni

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

“Can I, honey?” you heard Aaron’s words as he wrapped his hands around your wrists.

You had been covering your face as you usually did when your boyfriend went down on you. After making you finish, Aaron had made his way up again, urging you nicely to look at him.

With a nod of your head, you gave him permission to gently remove your hands from your face.

“There you are.” He smiled at you.

“Hi,” you said, softly, unable to keep yourself from smiling a little.

“Hi,” he answered, just as softly. “Do you wanna taste yourself, baby?”

“Mhm…” You nodded, staring at his chin instead of his eyes.

Your own eyes closed involuntarily, as he lowered himself and his lips touched yours. You opened your mouth, allowing his tongue to touch yours. Knowing where that tongue had been before it was inside your mouth, made you even more excited for what was coming next.

Aaron placed his hand on your hip, giving it a squeeze and then moved it down your thigh, wrapping your leg around his body. “Open them wider, sweetheart.”

Only a few moments later, Aaron was inside you, rocking his body against yours, in a pace slow enough to be considered both romantic and tormenting.

“Ah…”

“Good?” he breathed heavily on your mouth.

“So good…”

“I love you,” he moaned, his face now buried in the crook of your neck. He left open mouthed kisses on your sensitive skin after every little whine of yours. “I love your body. I love the sounds you make. I love the way you take me like you were made for me.”

“I was,” you sighed, because you really were. There was no man in the world you’d let yourself be this vulnerable around, other than Aaron. Your Aaron.

[phobia-sweets]

Arkhamverse Dork Squad with henchwoman crush in this type of situation? 

Rogue: *Accidentally hits S/O in the face*

Rogue : *Trying to decide between saying 'I’m fucking sorry' and 'Are you okay'*

Rogue : ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!

Crush: What’s wrong with you?!

I love specific requests /gen. This took quite long to write, bc, i'm also writing smth little for myself too :D This was fun tho

Today's song recommendation is uhhh The shower scene by Ice nine kills (hhh i love psycho so much its my fav movie AA)

ARKHAMVERSE! Riddler, Mad hatter & Scarecrow x reader

Warnings & Notes: Idk anything abt chem equipment, Jervis's part is short lol

RIDDLER

 Walking through the sewers your boss called his ‘workshop’, you were bringing in coffee – the man refused to sleep, but him working half-asleep wouldn’t be a good idea, considering all the metal and electricity he was working on an hour ago, when you left. Both your hands full due to the two cups, you simply turned down the doorhandle with your elbow. Pushing the door open with your foot, your face was met with your boss’s fist. You dropped both cups of coffee on the ground, and held your face where he had hit you. 

“Are you fucking sorry?!” He exclaimed, wrench in his other hand.

 “What is wrong with you?!” You yelled back, looking at him with wide eyes. You could practically see the gears turning in his head, seeing the red mark forming on your face and the no longer hot coffee on the ground. The two of you stood there, waiting for the other one to say, well, anything. Riddler wasn’t one to apologize, so you decided to-

 “I’m- Sorry-” His voice faltered, and your mouth hung slightly open at his words. 

 “Are you sick?” You asked in response, putting your hand against his forehead.

 “What are you- Don’t touch!” He took your hand off his forehead.

 “You actually apologised! Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should rest-”

 “I am fine!”

SCARECROW

 To be fair, scarecrow had asked for your help in his lab. So, there you were, handing him various chemicals and equipment while he prepared a fresh batch of toxin. You were lost in your thoughts, until you heard a yelp from him, and saw the beaker full of boiling water fall off the hot plate. Before you could move, your face was met with his fist and a bit of hot water, followed by you yelping in pain, and silence. You looked up to see your attacker, and was met with a burlap-covered face. The silence was… uncomfortable, to say the least. He – The scarecrow, was staring back at you.

 “Are you fucking sorry?” He asked, much to your surprise. The fuck was that supposed to mean? ‘Are you fucking sorry’ He punched you, not the other way around!

 “...Excuse me?” You managed to sputter, looking at him with a look of confusion. Hell, if he decided to gas you for your ‘disrespect’, you’d take it. At least it wouldn’t be another punch in the face. Instead of an answer, the silence continued on. You were about to excuse yourself, but were stopped by his voice. 

 “Are you all right?” He asked, voice gravelly as usual. You took a few seconds to respond, but nodded. 

 “Yeah… It just burns a bit, that’s all. You just scared me a bit.” You responded, watching his eyes slightly light up towards the end of your sentence. 

 “Good. You can have the rest of the day off as an apology. I’ll… continue working.”

MAD HATTER

Jervis was quite easy to surprise. That wasn’t what you had meant to do this time, but you somehow had managed to do just that. 

 You walked up behind him, carrying various fabrics for his hats. You didn’t realize how quiet you had been, and tapped his shoulder. You were surprised by him yelping, throwing up his arms, one of them hitting you square in your face, making you groan at the sudden pain. Upon hearing it was you, he quickly turned to face you. He took your face in his hands, Worry plastered all over his face.

 “Are you sorry!” He blurted out, his hat had fallen to the ground in the moment.

 “...What?” You questioned, shocked at his outburst. Considering his confusion at your response, he hadn’t realized what he had said in his worry. You saw his expression turn into one of panic, as the realization set in.

 “Oh, I do apologise, I was not very wise!” He apologised, his hands tightening around your face, squishing your cheeks at the same time.

 “Jervis, It’s okay, It’s okay, trust me!” You tried to reassure him, but not prying his hands off. 

[mystic-myrtille]

"he just feels like an entirely dofferent person who just happens to look like him"

Was he really that bad before?

I mean, let's review some stuff he's done (specifically about his relationship with Maribug, feel free to add things I forgot)

Copycat: lied about his and LB's relationship causing an akuma

Glaciator: gets mad at LB for not coming to a date she said she wouldn't come to, making it her problem and only apologizing after she did first (which she really didn't have to btw)

Frozer: basically same thing

Maledictator: tells Mari it's horrible to be happy that her bully aka his friend is leaving

Chameleon: No Marinette don't do anything against Lila even though she's in the wrong (this one's not outright mean it was just bad advice)

Ladybug: chooses the fake Ladybug over the real one bc the fake one would smooch him

Lies: sacrifices himself because "I live that look on your face when you're angry with me lol"

Glaciator 2: "they all think we're a couple lol even though we're not and you've made that clear a million times we shall kiss:) I just love you too much I can't help myself" (I cringed so hard during that episode)

Kuro Neko: gaslighting LB into thinking he's someone else because she has other superhero friends as well

Risk: gives LB shit for not wanting to so a reveal and not wanting to take risks even though it's reasonable for her tl not want those things

Generally flirting, touching or leaning in for a kiss when the time isn't right and LB is either trying to focus on the akuma or she's just uncomfortable

Just from the top of my head some things that didn't sit right with me. Take these as you will.

I'm not saying he had evil intent or that he was only bad, but those times where he acted shitty were never acknowledged by the narrative or any characters. Instead Marinette was blamed for everything because that's the show's number one rule, along with "Adrien is literally perfect like it's actually the world that should adjust to him bc it's so bad and he's so perfect". Peak girl power lol

So therefore Adrien never learned any lessons because he was never called out for anything, so he never had a moment where he self reflected on his behavior and realizing it was wrong and thinking about how to change and maybe having a hard time to change bc of trauma but he tries anyway......

And yet now suddenly all the jealously issues and the codependency and his sometimes shitty attitude just... don't exist anymore. And that's the problem. The writers and the stans act like there's so much character developement that has happened when there literally wasn't. When developing a character, you need to not just show before and after, but also when he started to change, how long it took, how exactly did he change and why did he change. Specifically when thinking about the relationship, what were the steps and reasons that lead him from sometimes not being a good partner to now being a loving boyfriend that would never pressure Marinette etc. The show delivers answers to none of these questions, they just present this new Adrichat as if he's been there the entire time. And while I like this version of Adrien, it just doesn't feel deserves that he's here bc of how he has been before.

[buckys-little-belle]

hiii love Ive never really done one of these before so sorry if it’s weird T T

So basically I’m just wondering how u knew u were a little? And if anyone can be one? And like how do u get into littlespace and stay there?

The reason why I’m asking is bc I’ve known about it for a while and have loved the idea but I’ve never been able to get myself there. Bc of some trauma I’ve been through i feel like it would be really healing for me,, but also it just seems like fun and something that I really connect with. I’ve had times where I felt little but it always goes away after I finish reading a little fic or etc. one of my friends made me feel little once but it also didn’t last very long. Idk basically I’m just asking is there a way for me to start regressing? And is there a possibility that I just can’t do it?

<33 Lots of love

- 🌷

Hii! Not weird at all!! Don’t worry!

Just to preface, I'm not an expert, so please not my words aren’t the only possible facts, and please anyone who could answer these questions, comment! or reblog! but I'll do my best.

Can anyone be a little? I'm honestly not sure, to be honest I haven't gone deep into all of the brain stuff surrounding being a little, but to me I think yes. I don't think that there is a specific thing holding some people back from being a little, I genuinely just don't, and maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I think some people might struggle to truly get into the headspace, it can be a tricky thing to do/control at the beginning, and I often find myself struggling with controlling/getting into the headspace. (By controlling I mean not involuntarily slipping into your little headspace, like when really loud noises happen or someone is mean, and your brain just copes on it's own, something that isn't a bad thing, but can be scary when you aren't able to control what headspace you are in, and when.) So short answer, I think anyone can be a little, but again I could be wrong.

How do you start? SUCH A GOOD QUESTION! I always see some interesting answers to this, which is fine, to each their own, but for someone who's just starting to regress I suggests simply doing activities you enjoyed doing when younger, for me it's coloring. I picked up coloring as a hobby through a tough patch and found my headspace to be so peaceful, little did I know I was actually regressing. Honestly, just embrace your kid side, just do a thing you love and LET YOURSELF ENJOY IT! Don't hold back, don't get mad if you don't feel little, don't try and force anything, just let yourself find joy in whatever you're doing, and let whatever happens happen. Eventually you'll find something that helps, it'll most likely be a few tries before you find what helps you slip, and tools in helping you stay there, it's really all up to little you, just let them flourish. I have been struggling lately to regress, stress and anxiety plaguing me, so I pulled out my bin of Barbies, and the first few times nothing happened, I just enjoyed doing their hair and making sure they all had some cute outfits, but eventually a few days later little me took over, and played with barbies like I did as a kid, and it was great, it just took some time, and that's okay!

Is it possible that you're not one? Maybe? But from what you've said, you seem to have slipped into that headspace, and to me that's a good sign that you are one. It took me a while to realize that I had been slipping for years at that point, my friends always treated me like a little sister, and that helped me feel safe enough to be a kid again, and it seems that maybe you've had a similar experience and that's a good first step.

I do hope that these answers helped, even in the slightest, and if you have any more please, please ask them! I'm an open book and will always be here to answer questions. Also, good luck, please come back and let me know how things go, and feel free to come back and just chat whenever, you're a very sweet anon tulip, and I hope to see you again <3

[aroacearsonist69]

Hiii <3 i won't ask you only one question, thats boring 👻

9,10,50

ʘ‿ʘ

Thank you for the ask :D

9. What made me realize I'm Aroace?

Well, I realized I'm ace first and it was on a walk outside with my asexual friend. He talked about his experience and I was like "Hold up, people actually feel sexual attraction???!!?? THAT EXISTS??" and then I tried on the label demiace to see if it fits me, but it didn't, since I thought I needed an emotional bond but it didn't change anything about the fact that I never felt sexual attraction lmao. So I had the asexual label for a very long time :D (Btw I also found the label aegosexual which I use alongside of identifying as ace)

Figuring out I'm aromantic took way longer tho

I remember also choosing the demiromantic label and having that one for way longer bc I couldn't grasp the concept of romantic attraction no matter what so I just stuck with "I bet I'll feel it once I have a deep enough connection with someone for sure".

A lot of time passes and after I broke up with my toxic ex, I reflected on my romantic attraction or rather the lack of it.

I looked back only to find that every time I confessed my "feelings" to someone, it was because I felt pressured to do so and going into a romantic relationship with that someone was something I had to do once I felt something (even though I didn't feel romantic attraction). After those confessions and making a relationship official I just felt dreaded and sad, without knowing the cause and being mad at myself because "I'm supposed to be happy rn". Kissing always felt like a robotic action, like my mind was somewhere else and I was overanalyzing my lip movements without actually enjoying the kissing part. Besides, kissing (especially with tongue) is very repulsing for me.

My other friend (who is Aroace and figured out being aro way earlier then me) once told me that "wait, why can't you do all those things in a romantic relationship also in a platonic one? It all sounds like friendship to me."

I should've known earlier when I related very hard to that statement and couldn't answer their question when they asked me what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like.

So I finally came to terms with being Aroace! (Quoi- and belllusromantic as well) and now have two very amazing queerplatonic relationships :)

10. What would I rather do then a romantic relationship?

Being so close to my friends that everyone assumes we are romantic partners even though we know we aren't, cuddles, kisses on the forehead and sharing domestic lives. But also, I want to be pinned down by pretty boys and kissed along my neck (I enjoy kisses on my neck because they actually feel good, unlike kisses to the lips) and have a make out session without the making out...you know? (AGH IT'S SO COMPLICATED)

50. Any arospec headcanons?

Okay, hear me out, but I think Kunikida is aromantic/greyromantic.

Because the way he plans out his "The one" to the point you could consider them fictional because the standards are so high? That man just has internalised aphobia because he wants "To wait for the one and he won't date anyone else until he finds them" sounds very aro in denial to me. Or he is greyromantic and finds a person he does feel romantic attraction to and is like. "What the fuck, this isn't supposed to happen. I thought love is a thing I can choose and control??? The right one ACTUALLY EXISTS????"

so yeah.

Sorry for the rambling I usually don't get to talk a lot about my Aroace identity in real life so thanks for listening :3

[lesbian-spiders]

things that point to me experiencing more amnesia than I thought I did

- when I was in school, I would go through my day with my mom the moment she picked me up. I would start at 1st period and go all the way to the end of the day. eventually, when talking to her got more difficult, I started keeping a memory log of my entire day. if I didnt do this, I would forget huge chunks of my day. I chalked this up to normal forgetfulness.

- when I was a smaller kid, I would do this same thing by mentally reviewing my entire day before I fell asleep. I think it was a way for me to protect myself against the possibly overwhelming emotions of the day, while also protecting myself from losing memories. my mom often got angry if I didnt remember something that she did, because she took it as me calling her a liar.

- similarly, I would have to immediately write down what I said in therapy. and now I go over my sessions briefly with my partner so I don't completely forget what me and my therapist talked about

- related to above, any time I do recall those things, I often have to pause and walk through the memory internally in order to remember it fully and be able to talk about it. I very much relate to having to "download" certain memories

- I have several memories of my mom being mad at me and giving me a lecture but I have no idea why I was in trouble. I can remember where I was and that I was actively dissociating but not what my mom was saying, even though in the moment I could hear her and understand her fine.

- whenever somebody asked me about something that happened during the day, I would often have to manually jog my memory and focus in order to recall the answer to the question. sometimes I knew my answer wasn't fully accurate but I didn't want to say that I forgot something. I had to develop the ability to be honest about how when I didnt remember something.

- I have a very poor internal timeline and internal clock. I often misjudge how long something takes, or how long something lasts. I often look at the clock and realize X amt of hours has gone by without me knowing.

- I reminded myself often where I was and what I was doing. like if I "came to" during a test, I'd have to take a second to remember where I was and what I was doing, but it didn't quite feel like my memory was broken up because I *could* remember what happened before I "came to". i definitely took this as a sign of dissociation, but not necessarily the amnesia that I now realize it was

- I often forget the plot of things I'm watching, reading, or playing, and have to jog those memories the same I do with memories of my life. if enough time goes without me seeing a movie, for example, and I haven't already manually moved the memory into long-term memory, then I wouldnt be able to fully recall what it was about

- similarly, I remember a lot of vague facts about things I'm interested in them, but forget the whole context of the fact, or I know that I know *something* but can't recall what it is

- I've rarely struggled with buying things that I don't remember or wearing something I don't remember wearing, because that feeling won't last for very long. if I'm wearing something I don't remember putting on, I can take a second to recall the memory. however, the memory isn't just sitting there as a part of my internal timeline/narrative, I have to focus and wait for the info to "download". it doesn't take long though, so I never took it as a sign of amnesia. tho occasionally I would chalk it up to emotional amnesia.

- similar stuff happens when it comes to writing things I don't remember. I've often thought, in the moment, something along the lines of "I'm gonna forget writing this, so I need to remember X detail" like the place I was when I wrote it, or what "I" was feeling at the time. this has been used as fuel for convincing myself I'm faking bc I intentionally remembered something a different alter did, but once again I think it was a very useful way to protect myself against the brunt of the attached emotions or something, while still having an awareness of the memory

*none of these things are proof of a complex disorder on their own. I'm in a position where I already know I have a dissociative disorder along the lines of DID or OSDD and am putting together the pieces to understand the nature of it*

*there is no way for me to accurately portray the feelings or intricacies involved in these examples and therefore no way for them to properly portray the lived experience of a dissociative disorder*

[anarmorofwords]

I kinda wanna write a better version of tlh where Tatiana is still insane but there's no Belial bc that makes zero sense to me

In this version there would be:

Kamanna done correctly with actual genderqueer rep and not toxic relationships

Barbra and Oliver bc fight me she didn't die

Genie and Filomena bc I love them and all the lightwoods are queer

The gracelet doesn't even happen bc I refuse to write that

Grace is pretty much still the same but she breaks off their(hers and james') relationship bc she notices that he loves Cordelia

No bad James. He's not a shitty person to Alastair, and he doesn't treat Cordelia like a sex object

Anna puts a stop to Kellington and Matthew's relationship before it gets serious. She also tries to get him to stop drinking all the time

Alastair apologizes around seeing them again for the first time. The merry thieves are a little reluctant because of some of the things he did but they don't actively try to keep him away from events that they're at

Matthew notices how Alastair looks at Thomas and locks them in the sanctuary with Genie and Cordelia's help

Grace gets badly injured due to a mistake in necromancy and Christopher helps her treat it without letting people know

Lucie meets Jesse, and falls in love ofc, so in order to bring him back successfully she asks Malcolm to train her in using her magic

Matthew opens up to his mom about the incident. She doesn't blame him at all and instead apologizes for often putting her work before him

Matthew finds out about Charles and Alastair because he found Alastairxs break up letter to Charles

Matthew, the mother hen he is, decided to attempt to murder his older brother, only being stopped by James who had been there at the right time

Kamala ends things with Charles and tells Anna that she still loves them and hopes that she will give her another chance

Anna told her that they needed time to think, and that she is worried how Kamala's reputation will be affected if anyone besides their friends and Anna's family finds out

Kamala respects her decision and doesn't contact her until Anna's ready to talk about things

The merry thieves don't ignore Christopher and they actively listen and help him

The merry thieves also aren't terrible to Grace bc they realize she's been isolated alone with Tatiana and 1) she might not understand what's saying/doing is wrong or 2) that sometimes she's trying to push them away so her abilities don't accidentally make them do something

Good tid parents

James and Alastair being respectful to each other despite personal differences

Matthew, Alastair, Kamala, Christopher, and Grace being besties, or as I call them, the neglected squad

No fetishizing mlm/wlw

Domestic cuddles and taking care of the other one when they're sick

Jesse/Lucie/Matthew pairing bc I love them and I refuse to pick between lucie/matthew and lucie/jesse

Christopher teaching Grace the elements(at the time) on the periodic table

Tatiana dies at the end yay

It's very unpolished and I'm open to b hearing any feedback and/or suggestions that anyone may have

The idea came to me and I decided it would be best if I told someone before I forgot

hi, I'm sorry it took so long,but I wanted to properly answer this and I keep having either internet connection issues or little time

DON'T BE SHY, WRITE THIS 👀

In all seriousness tho... THIS IS ABSOLUTE PERFECTION?!? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START I AM UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH THIS IDEA, I NEED IT

Look, I've been on the verge of rewriting ChoI, and I keep saying I want someone to write a TLH that will live up to its potential, but I've never actually came up with a proper idea for it, and you?!! YOUR BRAIN DARLING THIS IS GENIUS

ok hold up I'll just react to each and every single one so

yes please?!? I mean it started off so sweet in EEV?! Also actually genderqueer Anna and not dancing around the subject like CC is doing now?! That's what they deserve, and that's what we all deserve too

yesss please. also just,,,, Barbara, the feminine, not-wanting-to-fight-which-doesnt-make-her-less-badass queen that she is, getting the page space and appreciation she deserves

that's actually brilliant?!? it would be so great, just imagine the new girl arrives for her travel year and Genie is completely awestruck. I'm so invested in Joshwood it's difficult to imagine not having them, but this is actually the only valid alternative?!

ok that's fine. I think it could still happen and be done well, but tbh for now... the gracelet doesn't seem to have done anything relevant to the plot itself? I mean yeah it messed up James's life and Jordelia, but what did it give Belial? Tatiana? nothing. It makes no sense atm.

could be! maybe she's still encouraged by Tatiana to befriend/seduce him, but without the gracelet it doesn't work out? or maybe James somehow manages to realize that she's in danger and he actually like,,,, kidnaps her? idk idk

yes. YES. just,,,,z James is a sweet compassionate literature nerd who accidentally makes a good leader and he actually cares about people, and not just judges them from his high horse; he does still have hero syndrome, but he's kind and respectful and overall a good character

ANNA INTERVENES ABOUT KELLINGTON PLZ. PEOPLE ACTUALLY NOTICE MATTHEW'S STRUGGLES. JAMES DOES, TOO, BECAUSE THERE'S NO GRACELET.

ok yes, so what about: basically TMT don't harass Alastair and accept his apology, and realize they were also being stupid and mean at times at the Academy (especially Math). Matthew doesn't want to accept Alastair's apology, because of The Sin, but his behaviour alerts the rest of TMT and they inquire what's wrong and he tells them about the sin and that's how he later tells his parents (because his friends encourage him) and as you say, she just hugs him and reassures him it's not his fault; so after that Matthew slowly begins to heal and accepts it wasn't Alastair's fault, and also since they've kind of adopted/started including Alastair in things, he can't help but notice he's actually changed and he even starts to grow fond of him

then like you said, Matthew notices Thomas likes Alastair PLEASE HE SO WOULD. I'm not sure about the Sanctuary, if it actually happens (I'll get to why later on), but him and Lucie get really invested in the matchmaking schemes, they include Genie/Kamala because these two are friends with Alastair (both? Or at this point only Kamala?) but they also share some Moments during their scheming/talking about love 👀 (yes I'm a Fairdale shipper, I think it's time to expose myself lol)

Which leads me to (sorry I'm going off order rn) YES YES YES LUCIE AND MATH PLEASE. A FELLOW SHIPPER, HELLO, NICE TO MEET YOU. But since we're actually fixing him then we can give Jesse a personality and I'm totally down for poly Math/Lucie/Jesse

Lucie seeking Malcolm's help in secret, morally gray heroine style?!? no, it's probably not legal. but also has there ever been a Shadowhunter like her? If the Law doesn't expect such situations, it can't really forbid them...

Plz Matthew ready to strangle the carrot when he learns about their relationship, YES. sure, maybe he's still not the biggest fan of Alastair, but he's seen how much the boy's been through and starts to develop an attachment to him, and besides, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE GROOMED AND TREATED LIKE THAT. He's SO MAD at Charles, and he confronts him about it - remembering Kellington as he does, and it makes him sick to think his brother would do the same thing to someone. Maybe he gets very emotional over this and later finally tells his friends about Kellington? Maybe they didn't know before, only Anna did? So when they all realize what was happening then they comfort him etc? Or maybe it's just Alastair that learns now, and the others knew before, and they share a bonding moment over that?

Injured Grace seeking Kit's help is a genius idea I didn't know I needed

Kamanna giving each other time and space and deciding they need to question their relationship and figure out if it actually makes sense would be great. Anna realising she's very privileged and Kamala doesn't have those same opportunities, and also in general realising coming out should never be pressured or forced. Just,,,, Anna being self-aware and respectful towards Kamala. Well-written Anna. Plz. Also Kamanna is actually developed and not just "in love" because,,,,, they're attracted to each other? Maybe even remaining friends while Anna makes up their mind?

yeah just TMT being more compassionate and less judgy because they're not written by Judith so her bias isn't projected onto them

It's not a want, it's a need. They adopt Alastair and Grace eventually. Like, maybe not literally - although, Grace? - but you know what I mean.

I think they all should just have various friendship dynamics and switch between them, because people need more than one friend group

no fetishizing, no watching your brother make out with his lover, yessss

yes domestic cuddles, affection, taking care of wounds, all those things. plz.

Gracetopher bonding over science yes

obviously. or maybe she's imprisoned?!

ok, now for some more notes/my ideas etc., if you don't mind:

I actually think Belial could still be featured? After all, I don't think Tatiana could do much on her own, and since she seeks help from demons, it makes sense to include a Greater Demon as well. But Belial would have to be a stronger villain, written better; I'll think more about this

if that was the case, the serial killer plot could still happen, but be done better. and it would allow for a scenario I talked about with @littlx-songbxrd to happen, where it's Alastair who's falsely accused of murder. It creates a great opportunity to explore some things, because we know Alastair is much more likely to be seriously suspected, considering all the prejudices and bad rep his family has and all that

...what do you say to well-written Jordelia? 👀 Cordelia hasn't been obsessively in love with James since childhood, she only had a crush then. And now that they meet again, she's fond of him but not in love, not straight away. They're both grown up, and different people, but as they spend more and more time together, they fall in love. What if Cordelia gets to flirt with some other boys first? What then. What if she ends up choosing James, instead of going for the only boy she's ever had feelings for and idealized since childhood. What if we even make it friends-to-lovers and have James be a little jealous at some point?! but not in a possessive awful way, just "oh damn oh no"

Now I won't know peace until this exists BUT THANK YOU

[isa-ah]

if its not too personal, may i ask what are all the alters names and roles in the system? (including host of course)

so like im not very booksmart about system roles but i consider myself a protector and also the host (me, isaiah, 24 :) <3). im usually the only one interested in drawing or blogging so 99% of anything on here is just lil ol me. i also front by far the most bc none of these assholes want to work so i have to take care of commissions myself lol

my first rl serious i think something's wrong w me alter realization was a Dave fictive when i was like 16-21 who would just black me out and autopilot when shit was really bad. I lost a LOT of time between when my grandma died, when my grandfather died, when i moved in w my aunt, ran away, moved in w my mom, and then left for arizona, and im pretty sure almost all of that was him. he hasn't fronted or had any kind of presence in the headspace in years tho besides like 10-15 minutes at a time once or twice when I got rlly triggered by a conversation. I simply do not remember anything that happens when he fronts which used to scare the shit out of me haha. lo said he thinks it's specifically 13 which. fair lol

bentley is definitely my most active alter these days. he's around 30 and tends to take over whenever i get upset abt some shit. he took the very very most brunt of my grandparental caretaking and medical trauma so like i don't rlly have those nightmares or intrusive flashbacks anymore which is nice. I tend to take on a lot of social obligations and I don't know how to say no but he Can and Will watch a man burn without pissing on him which is rlly refreshing tbh. he's the no obligations I'm hanging out alter. we're rlly close but I don't think he's friendly enough for lo :( he likes old trucks and 70s bops.

shys my youngest alter that i know of, he's like 14 and is like young isaiah (the oc) but nonverbal hence, shysaiah or just shy :) he's a sweet kid who just likes to be around and goofy. if he has to be verbal he does cry tho and his triggers are rlly different than mine which throws me whenever he gets set off. he's definitely got the most palpable and distressing fictitious memories, like he heard a line in a song and had flashbacks that made ME wig out. his is very.. idk bad dad parental abuse csa vibes, as far as the trauma pill he swallowed, but mostly when he's fronting he's in rlly high spirits! he likes neopets and yesterday was his birthday haha.

bulldog is rlly the only other guy of note & he's like? idk 19? i very much experienced the like adults arent taking care of me and so my tiny body is full of RAGE thing as a kid and like all thru my teens I had a FOUL hateful kinda temper. I'm cool as fuck as an adult tho cause that's his problem now. whenever my mom gets on her shit or I start thinking about my aunt he like zaps straight to the cofront to try to start some shit w my family which. fair! but no! he's a lot more mad about my aunt than my grandparents which hes probably the only one but fight the good fight i guess. he's just a real asshole, if uve ever seen me writing long vent posts on here bc im all worked up that's that anger boy cofront babey <3 he's DEFINITELY not nice enough for lo tho.

there's like other guys im aware of knocking around but they don't front or rlly make any effort to interact w me or our peers so shruggg I mostly just let them be. my biggest brain teaser re: all of this is the chicken and egg situation between ocs and alters. which came first, shy or isaiah? bentley definitely came before his oc counterpart but i low-key get a vibe about reggie and barnaby that makes me go ok but?? idk mostly I'm just endlessly fascinated by the intersection of being a lifelong artist with a deep love of characters and having alters who present so... character-y. which came first??