#also i'm just bad at explaining what hurts me and why in a rational manner

[kursed-curtain]

A Buzzy Day (And A Bit Of Melissophobia)

A Bee Boy/Dad No.1 fic

Sequel to a ficlet that @captmickey made

(Also on AO3!)

-+-

"And then Prince Bee-gonia knelt in front of King Beezle, who said," No.1 cleared his throat and spoke in an exaggerated, goofy accent that always made Graham giggle, "'You have proven yourself to be worthy of the throne. Don the honeycomb crown and rule over the kingdom even better than I have.' But when…"

No.1 looked over the book and at Graham - who was fast asleep already, curled up with his bee plush and squeezing its hand. Smiling, No.1 blew out the lights and closed the book.

Waiting at the door stood No.2. 

No.1 smirked. "So, how was my performance?"

No.2 clapped slowly, but quietly so as to not wake the child. "Encore, wow, you should go on tour," he said, his tone dry. "My head hurts just thinking about it."

No.1 started speaking in his King Beezle voice again, "If you like it so much, maybe I should do it more often. All the time, even!" His voice cracked and he was forced to quit the accent. "Although doing it for too long does hurt the vocal cords."

"Your buzzing is the most bearable," No.2 chuckled, "Besides, I thought you had a deathly fear of bees."

"I was exaggerating when I said it was deathly. I have a normal, rational fear of bees."

"Uh huh," No.2 started making his way down the hall. "And a normal, rational fear includes yelling and trying to swat at bees with a sword."

"I thought we made a deal to never speak of that again?"

"I never promised anything."

Silence from the opposition. No.2 rolled his eyes. "Are you afraid of the bees from the book, though?"

"Of course not," Scoffing, No.1 elbowed No.2. "The bees in the book are illustrated as fluffy balls with little faces. They have the same appeal as a rabbit. Additionally, unlike their real-life counterparts, these bees know manners and personal space."

No2 hummed. "Well, the little lad adores bees whether they're real or fake. Food for thought."

"The boy is fascinated with the idea." No.1 looked back, seeing Graham's bedroom door shrink as they walked away. "Has he ever seen a real bee? Maybe he doesn't know what he's actually getting himself into. We should fix that."

"...You know what? We should." No2 put his hands on his hips. "Then it's settled. Tomorrow, I'll show you both everything there is to know about real bees."

"That is not what I-" No.1 huffed, "Fine. You are not changing my view on the creatures, though."

"We'll see."

-+-

(There was a quiet tap tap on the door to the barracks. No.1 answered, realizing it was Graham - tears left over from crying.

"What happened?" No.1 rubbed Graham's back, massaging it.

Graham sniffled, "I- I had a bad dream. They took me away… And you didn't hear."

No.1 shook his head, then brought Graham into a hug. "I'm sorry I wasn't in the room to help. That is why you have Benson, right? To protect you when I'm not around." 

"I…" Graham broke into tears again. "I can't find Benny."

That explains it. "Come along. I'll help you."

The two headed back to Graham's bedroom. The bedsheets were a mess and the pillows were strewn across the floor. It must have been a terrible nightmare.

No.1 checked under the pillows, under the blanket, and eventually under the bed.

He pulled out a cylindrical plush bee, with a small smile sewn into it. Graham rushed to No.1's side and snatched up the stuffed animal, hugging it tight. 

"Benny says bzz bzzz!" Graham raised out the plush for No.1 to 'listen.' No.1 had told Graham he was a bee whisperer, or at least could understand what Benny was saying.

No.1 cupped his ear. "Ah, yes, that means, 'I'm very happy to have found you again.'" 

Graham giggled. "I'm happy too! I'm sorry I didn't see you."

"Ben says that it's alright," No.1 put a hand on Graham's shoulder, "But you have to look around more carefully and not panic."

Graham nodded, giving Benny one more squeeze.

They fixed up Graham's bed together, with Graham helping to pick up and fluff all the pillows, while No.1 tucked in the sheets.

"Ready for bed?" No.1 pat Graham's head.

Graham looked to the window and jumped at the rattling from the storm outside. He mumbled, "Can we sleep in your bed?"

It's less of a bed, but it's more space than offering to sleep on the couch. Plus, the boy looked like he needed it. "Of course." 

No.1 carried Graham and Benson back to the guard barracks. 

"Number Two has something in store for both of us, I've heard." No.1 brushed back Graham's curls. 

He expected Graham to be excited, but Graham was already nodding off.

Careful not to wake his fellow guards or the young boy, No.1 tucked Graham into bed, then he slipped himself under the covers too. He faced the blank, dull wall, the sheer boredom of it all setting him off to sleep.

Just before he could, though, No.1 felt two small hands grip him, with one draping over his side and holding tight to Benson's floppy body.

And his dreams flooded with color.)

-+-

Right after breakfast, No.2 brought Graham and No.1 to the small garden behind the castle. It was a little reserved space where No.2 grew his own food. The place was well-kept too, alive with an appetizing color, the place glittering green after last night's showers. No.2 set Graham down, letting him run around and have Benny smell the flowering fruits.

"Where's your demonstration, hm?" No.1 crossed his arms.

No.2 scratched his face. "I don't exactly remember…" 

"What do you mean you don't remember?"

"Eh, I spotted the hive near my garden a few days back, but I don't exactly remember where-"

A high pitched yelp burst from the direction of the strawberry plants. Both guards rushed to find Graham, frozen in place, with a bee on his nose.

This sent No.1 into a panic.

"We have to get that thing off right now." No.1 ordered through gritted teeth.

No.2 held No.1 back. "Leave it be."

"I can't just do that, he's going to get injured and it'll be my-"

A quick elbow to the ribs was enough to snap some sense into No.1.

The bee buzzed off as fast as it came, leaving Graham still stunned.

No.1 knelt at Graham's side. "Are you alright? Did you get hurt? Can you hear me?"

Graham simply stood there, gripping Benny, absolutely starstruck. 

"Woah."

No.1 pulled Graham into a hug. 

"...Are you alright?" No.1 looked Graham in the eyes.

Graham nodded fervently. "I… I got to see a real bee up close. I love it!"

That just left No.1 even more frazzled.

No.2 knelt next to them, giving a knowing side-eye to No.1. "Tell us what you saw, lad."

"It had small legs, and a fluffy body, and… I could see the stripes on its rear really well," Graham babbled.

"That's a honeybee, then!" A voice called from behind. 

The three of them turned to see Larry and Kyle marching up to them. Larry grinned, "They're the best with pollinating the imported plants we get in Daventry."

Graham made grabby hands towards the duo. "Uncle Larry and Uncle Kyle!" 

"Good morning, you two." No.1 stood, stiff-spined, when he saw Kyle and Larry, "What brings you here?"

Kyle started off. "Well, we were out on patrol as usual-" 

"When we heard the buzz about a beehive behind the castle-" Larry added.

"So we followed all the clamor-"

"And now we're here!" 

Larry tapped Kyle on the head with a small tube. Kyle nodded at the signal, kneeling down so Larry could unfold his cane and step off. 

"It's a much smaller hive, so that means they're a new batch of bees," Larry rambled, "They found a good source of food, and that nook in the tree, and set their home up here."

Graham 'flew' Benny around to mimic what Larry was talking about, letting Benny fly around the garden.

Kyle hoisted up Graham onto his shoulder, then let Larry continue, "We best stay back here and simply watch. Bees sting when they feel threatened. Let the worker bees do their stuff."

"Workie bees?" Graham perked up.

"Bee hives are kind of like a kingdom! You have workers, guards, bees to take care of children, and even a queen." 

"Oohh… queen bee!"

"Exactly!" Larry chuckled.

No.1 approached with a finger and thumb to his chin. "Where is this knowledge coming from? I just want to… verify the sources."

"Source? Well, sir, I hope personal experience counts," Larry gives a quick salute, "My family owned a beehive to help with my pa's flowers."

"Owned?" No.1 and Graham blurted in unison - with No.1 in fear and Graham in awe.

Kyle grinned, "That sounds great! I wish I got free hon-"

No.1 put a finger to his lips. "Don't give the boy any ideas."

Kyle mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key. Larry winked and Kyle's face turned red.

"I think I should build a beehive here, after I've done a bit of research. It would be beneficial to the garden - and maybe Mister Bee-Swatter needs some exposure therapy."

No.1 scowled. Larry adjusted his armor, "I would be glad to assist if need be!"

Graham squealed, flailing his legs and buzzing with glee.

"See, sir? The boy loves the idea~" Kyle singsongs, bouncing Graham slightly.

No.1 opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was flabbergasted gibberish.

"He's not in charge of what we do with the area anyways," No.2 turns his attention to Kyle, Larry, and Graham, "We'd have to consult the king about that."

Graham made grabby hands towards No.2. "King!"

Larry made the mistake of making eye contact with a speechless, practically pissed off No.1. "You know what? Let's go now, like now now." Larry tapped the back of No.2's leg with his cane, Kyle put Graham into No.2's arms, then both made a run for it.

And No.1 just watched them walk away with a new grand scheme.

[terresdebrume]

It’s open to interpretation

So, the reason I had a Queer Sad™ today.

I wasn’t going to make a big post about it—I wrote an angry rant about it on Wednesday, which is when the whole thing started, but then decided not to post it on the ground that a person involved may see it and the whole thing could sound like a personal attack, which wasn’t (and still isn’t) my goal. More stuff piled up on it, however, and now I’m upset again and I need to get this thing off my chest if I want to move past it…so, rant it is, and I’ll see how it goes later on.

Last Wednesday, I and three other persons (two of whom are straight, the other isn’t) went to see Rogue One in the theater, which I was happy about because I thought I’d missed my chance to see it. We had a great time, enjoyed the movie and its ending, and honestly things were fine. Then I mentioned that I wished there had been a Chirrut/Baze kiss at some point (honestly, I’d have taken a forehead kiss) and the two straight friends seemed greatly surprised and a tad shocked at my interpretation, immediately telling me that ‘no they were brothers’ (meant, I’m pretty sure, as blood brothers. The French dub seems to have played a role into that, which is an entirely different kettle and not something I want to deal with right now.)

I don’t think I’m going to surprise many people here when I say this reaction—and the insistence with which they denied the possibility of Chirrut and Baze being a couple, only ending on a conciliatory ‘it’s open to interpretation, and that’s what’s great about it’—was deeply upsetting to me.

I felt invalidated and denied, like the possibility of these two men being in love was only in my head—surprise surprise: I wasn’t the only one out of the group who saw it—and so outlandish it could only be met with astonishment and immediate denial, however innocent the intent was.

I don’t want to go too far into that rant—I already have over a 1000k of word vomit on the topic sitting in my hard drive and it’s just too upsetting to bring it all back up, but honestly—it fucking hurts.

I don’t even take it as a personal thing—I’ve heard people tell me this before, I’ve seen people have the same conversation before, and I’ll see it again and again and again, I have no doubt of that—but it would be nice if for once, just once in my lifetime I could tell a straight person ‘I think those two same-gender characters [who haven’t kissed/professed eternal love/explicitly stated they were gay] are in a romantic relationship’ and not be immediately met with denial and the implicit message that I’m wrong in (and sometimes for) interpreting a relationship like this as romantic.

(I mean, I’m sorry, but replace Chirrut with a woman in the death scene, and tell me if it looks like siblings interacting. I dare you.)

It would be nice, for once, not to be forcibly, painfully reminded that I’m different, that I’m an outsider, that things aren’t meant for me even when they were clearly put there so that I would see it, and my straight friends would not. (But queerbaiting is a topic for another post, I guess).

So. That was super upsetting, I ended up crying about it on my pillow, and then reading Chirrut/Baze fanfiction until something like 4am, because as far as I’m concerned the only proper response to feeling hurt on that topic is to be aggressively gay for a while. Also ship harder.

But anyway, it was Wednesday, and I’ve had two days to kinda get over it, and I mostly did, even if seeing the news about YouTube’s stupid-ass content block this morning brought it all back up and gave me the aforementioned Queer Sad™.

But tonight we went to a restaurant with the same group plus a couple of people, and we got to talking about Rogue One and how there were pieces of the dialogue we didn’t understand, particularly Chirrut’s lines…and then, the conversation with one of the friends went like this:

Me, to help her place who Chirrut was: The blind monk.

Her, amused smile: And his brother!

Me, trying not to sound too upset: Actually they’re not brothers, I checked it out.

Her: I think only gay or bi people see this kind of things.

I wanted to tell her ‘that’s ‘cause straight people have blinders on’. I held it in. I’m still wondering if I should maybe have picked up that fight.

I don’t know what made her think that would be a funny thing to do. I assume it was meant as gentle teasing but the thing she doesn’t realize is, she’s right about 90% of cases. People—straight people—don’t see us. They never do—why do you think I keep saying non-explicit representation doesn’t count as representation? ^ This, right there.

Because unless we shove it up to the front—unless we fit enough arbitrary criteria we’re invisible. We’re just friends. We’re open to interpretation.

Except, of course, for the part where our interpretation—the one in which Chirrut Imwê and Baze Malbus are a couple—gets big wide surprised eyes and ‘noooo, they’re brothers’ or ‘really? I didn’t see it at all’ and the one in which they’re friends doesn’t.

It’s open to interpretation, but one of them gets instant disbelief. It’s not even that people want to hurt us—it’s not even that they hate us, or hate seeing gay characters on screen, it’s that they don’t see them. They don’t see us.

And I’m tired of this, you know—I’m tired of this cultural norm, this learned behavior so normalized it becomes a reflex that has people—that has me—thinking the characters aren’t gay if they don’t kiss/come out/have sex on screen. It’s not real if there’s not tangible proof. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real, I’m not real, we’re not real, we don’t exist unless we can prove it. We don’t exist unless we can say we’ve kissed a girl—a boy, a person of our own gender, whatever it is.

I tell people I think such and such characters are in love and they tell me it’s open for interpretation and they mean well but all I hear is ‘you’re wrong’. I’m wrong in that these characters are not gay and I’m wrong in that I shouldn’t be seeing things that aren’t there.

I’ve tried to explain it, several times—although not always by using my own emotional reaction because I’m naïve enough to think it shouldn’t compute. I try to be patient, to explain, to back up my argument but I’m tired—shit, I’ve only accepted I was queer six years ago but I’ve been having this stupid conversation all my life and I’m so very tired of it.

‘It’s open to interpretation’ well, yeah, kind of. If you squint hard. But I do have to ask: when I say ‘I interpret these characters as gay’ and the first words out of people’s mouth are ‘Really? Nooooo!’ is it really open to interpretation, or is it only open to theirs?

[logos-primes-pr-guy]

On Earthspark Rumble And Trauma

[Earthspark Spoilers]

If the rest of the season drops and it turns out that the other cassettes are all fine and alive and Bumblebee just phrased *that line* so ominously purely by accident... The Earthspark team is surely having a whole Moment seeing the sheer volume of memes pouring out over what may potentially be a misunderstanding.

Do not get me wrong. I, too, was awash with dread after that scene, but at the same time, I also think it's funny that we all heard "An unspecified cassette exploded when Soundwave tried to eject them" in the context of an apparently amusing story told to two children, and every single one of us collectively agreed that Rumble has died in a horrific and gruesome manner, forever traumatising Soundwave and the cassetticon family. The explosion may not have been fatal. It might not have been Rumble. Buzzsaw and Ratbat are also missing (and so are the many other cassettes, but they don't usually get screentime, so I'll let that slide). Where's all the art of Laserbeak tragically chirping over the loss of his counterpart? How come Frenzy gets all the angst to themself?

To be clear I do share the theory that the explosion was fatal because it explains why a loyal and rational mech like Soundwave would become a feral ball of rage, and why Frenzy and Laserbeak no longer want to follow him when they used to be such a close-knit family (in the family-themed show, no less! The show that gave us Hardtop shoving Swindle aside and letting himself be trapped in the very first episode, proving that it is indeed willing to acknowledge the Decepticons' familial bonds as well).

Nonetheless, assumptions are being made. I want to see the cassettes all happy and safe, but I'm also curious how this plotline is going to pan out. Even if one of them didn't die, something very bad clearly *has* happened. They were starving. Soundwave malfunctioned. Someone maybe got hurt.

We might see a plotline about how grief and one big traumatic can tear a family apart. But we may see instead how hardship and poverty and very difficult situations can wear down even the closest family, change people slowly over time so that they're no longer the person you trusted and respected. Maybe Rumble, Buzzsaw, Ratbat (and the others?) are not dead. Maybe they just left. They couldn't take the starvation, the constant danger, the isolation of running and hiding from the Autobots and the humans every day, so one day they left and joined one of those government-designated areas where Decepticons are allowed to live that got mentioned in Decoy. And Soundwave grew bitter and resentful because why can't they see that he's just trying to keep them safe and free and alive, and the life they've chosen isn't even really living, it's not freedom?

Sometimes trauma is one huge thing that devastates you forever. But sometimes, it's quiet, insidious, worming its way in slowly and steadily until you don't even remember how things used to be, and that can be one of the hardest wounds to heal.

[hickeygender]

Don't know why tumblr made me miss your post about the ableism in fandom and the Witcher, but I've finally read it, and thank you so much for taking the time to write it! I have a question relating to that one: if one chooses to not make the Cat Witchers have mental illnesses or personality disorders or any sort of "madness", but instead try to explain their behaviour through the system in which they grew up in, could the Witchers still be called "mad" by others in-universe? I think I worded it weird, so an explanation of what I mean:

With the way I see the Cat School, they combine typical Witcher brutality with elven supremacy. While I know that "elven supremacy" in the context of the Witcher is problematic as fuck considering the oppression of the elves, I mean it to explain some of the values that the Cat School holds as a system. Humans are scum-of-the-earth, brutal savages, horrible people from the day they are born because it is human nature to destroy, to discriminate against others, and to hurt each other. It is very much modern anti-humanist nihilism. Elves, on the other hand, are seen as inherently more kind, more wise, more cooperative, gentle, so on and so forth, despite their own history or the fact that some of the worst elves are just as bad as some of the worst humans. It boils down to "elf and proximity to elfness good, human and proximity to humanity bad".

This ideological framework leads to "inhumanity" being a good thing. Human Witchers, while not outright told to, internalize the idea that they must stand in opposition to humanity. Therefore, enacting violence against humans is okay - you're making up for your humanity, you're making the world better by making the scum go away (a very Lambert perspective on things).

In the case of Gaetan, it would mean that reacting in a disproportionate manner after being cheated out of his coin and attacked with the intent to kill, and killing not just the guilty parties but also the unaffiliated bystanders and children, is fine. After all, they are human, and they associate with the worst humans by living in the same village. They might become just like the alderman and the ones that attacked him if given the chance. He only stopped that reaction when he saw his sister in Millie, which activated a mental block. "My sister isn't like other humans" basically being the reason he spared Millie. And while he does say he fucked up big time when talking to Geralt, he doesn't seem to mean it much. "Sure, shouldn't have killed everyone, but it's not that big of a deal" is the vibe I'm getting.

While I don't think this type of slaughter is encouraged, I don't think that the Cats care enough to have any policies against it. And I think that humans would only be able to comprehend this through the Cat Witchers being "mad". Would that...work? Cause I'm really not sure. I feel like the stigma of mental illness is weaponized against anyone and everyone, even when all parties involved are neurotypical.

[You can answer this publicly or privately, don't really mind either way.]

[I want to again note that the "elf supremacy" thing was just to categorize the ideological framework of the Cats, which I built based on Gezras' voice-lines, and am aware it has problematic implications. However, since there are irl groups within minorities that are just terrible on their own (Zionists) or because they internalized the oppressor's ideologies but switched them around a bit, I feel it's not too unrealistic for the Cats to function this way.]

You're very welcome for writing that post, thank you so much for engaging with it! And this is all super interesting! I agree that this reading of the Cat witchers being neurotypical but still getting referred to as "mad" by outsiders to rationalize their disregard for human life stemming from their views on humanity is a plausible one!

Ableism can be aimed against neurotypical people who ableists deem as not fitting the mold for sure, and in a world such as the Continent where mental illness is greatly stigmatized and misunderstood, I imagine it's even more common there than it is in our world to associate mental illness with morally abhorrent behavior like murder. Irl I often see this as a way for people, usually neurotypical or non-psychotic people, to distance themselves from people and behaviors they categorize as bad (e.g. "They killed that person bc there's something inherently wrong with them. I, on the other hand, being someone who is of right mind, would NEVER stoop to murder! I'm different!" and so on and so forth. If you're intrinsically different from someone, you can't make their mistakes, never mind the fact that you're both human and capable of great good and evil).

So yes, in summary, I completely agree that even if you choose to write your Cat witchers as neurotypical but deeply shaped by elf-centric views on the nature of humanity, they could absolutely still be viewed by the general populace and other witchers as "mad"!

[kris-p-banana-bread]

Here DOAFP fandom, have some organic, locally-sourced, home-grown pain. This is basically just me, a scarred older sibling, projecting on Bobby, another scarred older sibling. I really reached into my post-loss psyche for this, so I hope you enjoy the headcanons and meta (AKA I hope you shed at least one tear).

It won’t let me link it here so the post that inspired this is under the read more at the bottom ✨

- When I first watched doafp, I couldn't understand Elena's aversion to Sam becoming a prominent figure in her mom's and her life. Now I understand it almost too perfectly. There was never supposed to be someone after Robert. He and Gabi were deeply in love and happy. Robert was it; he was the first and true love of Gabi's life. Sam showing up probably felt like a huge and utterly disrespectful slap in the face of Robert's memory, because he wasn't even supposed to be there. I don't know if that's as eloquent as I wish it was, or if it makes sense, and it probably sounds really mean to Sam, but it's not even really about him. It was always supposed to be Robert; Sam hasn’t earned the right to be apart of or associated with her family

- After Robert dies, Gabi and Bobby make it a habit to find and keep photos and recordings/videos of Robert, even if the latter only has him saying one sentence. They won't make Elena join them for the search, but after they find some of those old audios of Robert, they'll sometimes play them back for little Elena

- Bobby put up the keep out sign (I credit this to a few other blogs for discussing this tho) because that's where he would cry sometimes. He actually used to be pretty close with Elena, but after he put up that sign and started distancing himself from them a bit so they wouldn't see the times he cracked, he got a little more short and jaded with her. It's that, plus just growing into a teenager and stuff. And I'm not saying that he and Elena have a bad relationship, but he's become more snappy and has more walls up than he used to

- Sometimes Elena feels bad because she doesn't always remember her dad's voice. She was pretty young when he died, so even though she recalls it a bit, and the recordings help, it's been a while since she's talked to him in person, so of course she doesn't quite remember what it's like to actually talk to Robert and she's forgotten some of his mannerisms. She likes to think she's all done (she marked the stages down in her grief journal after all) but grief isn't linear or all that rational, so it hits her hard sometimes

- I keep reading as an action close to my heart because that's a strong bond me and my mom shared. She would rec books to me, and we would joke and talk about them, or she would hint to some future event and then refuse to tell me until I caught up to that part. So Elena and Bobby do something similar in their grief. Elena has writing and words, because that's something Robert loved if I remember correctly (but if I’m not and that’s not canon, then I now declare it so) and Bobby has tennis. But besides tennis (I sent a couple anons to @freshlybakedfandoms about it but I'm not sure where she went) Bobby also was taught to play guitar by Robert (I liken it to Devi Vishwakumar and her harp) so when he misses his dad or is just sad, he'll take out his dad's old acoustic and strum

- (This next one is something I also think a lot about so this is pretty much 98% projection) Bobby thinks sometimes about the fact that he was never able to come out to his dad. He hadn't really started growing into that part of himself yet, and he never got to show it to his father. He wonders what he would have thought of him. Would he be angry? Would he dismiss him and say it was just a phase? Bobby didn't think so, but a little part of him insisted that you could never be too sure. After he comes out, Gabi and Cami assure him that Robert would've been so proud of him and would've loved him regardless (Since we know virtually nothing about him, I maintain that Robert was one of those dads who teases their kid relentlessly about their crushes and I think he would've done that with Bobby and eventually Elena)

- When Elena's quince rolls around (if she chooses to have one of course), Sam dances with her during the father-daughter dance. A part of her still hurts, still aches and wishes that Robert were dancing with her too; still knows on some fundamental level that he and Gabi had planned for this day, but he had simply never made it. But she's known Sam long enough that she feels comfortable here. Nobody can replace Robert, but Sam is her family, and it feels right like this.

- I might do some more research and deliberate, but for the moment I'm saying that Robert had cancer, I’m thinking along the lines of colon. My mom was terminal, but idk if I should make Robert terminal? Maybe towards the end. Or maybe he was diagnosed as incurable early on but Gabi kept it from the kids because, tbh, being told your parent is balancing on that kind of edge is traumatic for them. So anyways, I’m going on that assumption for this last point, and I’ll see if I can recover some of my old knowledge and talk about technical stuff later if anybody would like to hear it

- Elena and Bobby were both pretty young. Bobby understood about PET scans and tests somewhat, and knew generally what different answers from doctors meant. Elena mainly just understood what was happening by reading her parents' and brother's expressions when getting lab results in from the doctor. They both remember on some level what it was like when Gabi would leave the kids with Cami and take Robert out to the car (later she would have to help him) and they would all feel like they were holding their breath until they got back and confirmed that everything was ok (and later, the little shocks of fear when the answers were no longer as positive and there was more apprehension and risks. After all, cancer doesn’t deal in absolutes)

- Bobby can still remember Robert when he had to stop walking around a lot. He still remembers the phone call that Cami got from his mom, saying that something had gone wrong, and if this last treatment didn’t work, he wouldn’t have much time before he passed. Still remembers Cami rushing into a room when she got that call, and trying to hide what was happening until Gabi could get home and explain it; but Bobby was a sharp kid believe it or not. He heard about the treatment, heard Cami crying. He still had hope... but when Robert came home in a gurney, when he could barely stay awake sometimes, when his voice was quiet and his skin was a little jaundiced, Bobby felt incredibly empty. But Robert always had a smile for his wife and his beautiful kids, even if it was small and very tired, his eyes still crinkled the same. He always had a smile; right up until they had to say goodnight and get some sleep one night. And then... he passed.

- After he passed, the Cañero-Reeds needed help, and a lot of Gabi’s coworkers would bring food or materials if they were running low. Cami and Danielle would babysit and would distract the kids when Gabi needed a good cry.

- Like you’d imagine, and because of what is sort of implied in canon and in my own head, the kids dealt with it in different ways. Bobby put up that sign, and withdrew. He wasn’t awful, but his patience with certain people got a bit shorter and he was a bit quieter. And he was a really good helper when he had the energy and he cared deeply, but he would sometimes get physically and emotionally exhausted after helping Gabi/Elena/Cami/anybody else with something and would go into his room or mentally tap out to recharge. He took comfort in things that seemed natural and that he sometimes took for granted before, like video games and skateboarding (hehe bobby skateboards. Anybody second me on this?) and clothes etc... and other stuff. A lot of materialistic things or experiences that he would skip out on before. But they bring normalcy back to his life now so he loves them for that.

- Bobby doesn’t wanna think about big themes or anything anymore, which I can’t remember but I think it was Vi (freshlybakedfandoms, again, idk where she is and I hope she’s ok) who said he was a math and science person and I think that as much as that could transfer over to those subjects as well, it’s much harder to avoid existential and emotional themes in English and History class and Bobby doesn’t like it as much as Elena does for that reason. He had to live with the back and forth of his dad’s treatments and tests, so math and science is comforting because it’s more concrete (There could be a million arguments for why he would distrust math and science because of his dad’s passing though, I realize) Ultimately, though, it reminds him of Robert too much.

- On the other hand, after a period of shock and confusion, Elena threw herself into new things. First it was a grief journal, to make sure she was going through the motions. Then she read a lot, and when she felt too alone or like she wasn’t doing enough, like she was stagnant, she’d just find something to focus and persevere on again. That feels like her personality type to me; something is wrong so let’s fix it right away. But that could also transfer sort of negatively into “Something feels off or I’m very sad, let’s get this thing done and be productive so we can put off having to confront that but at least we get work out of it” but I could be entirely wrong (this is based off some of my family members and how they dealt with the loss.) And Elena throws herself into history and english because her dad loved it, and she wants to remember more of him. Because she believes words have power and history is a lesson and that’s incredibly interesting for her

[eeveelutionsforequality]

(1) As much as I know of the self diagnosis vs self advocacy debate, I haven't seen anyone talk about how to self advocate when it comes to mental health. I strongly suspect I am bipolar, since I have a confirmed history of major depressive episodes, but I also have periods of experiencing symptoms of hypomania. I was also subjected to bullshit social skills classes in high school (I'm autistic), which among other things, taught me to communicate indirectly to avoid hurting people's feelings.

(2) I know it is caused me problems with communicating, but I am still in the habit of doing that, and I realized that may be why I'm not getting anywhere when I bring it up to my therapist. I'm not comfortable with resorting to self-diagnosis at this time, but I also think the lack of a correct diagnosis is why therapy has not been helping me cope as much as it could. How do I bring it up in a way that will let my therapist know I want her to address my concerns?

I praise self-advocacy as an alternative to self-diagnosis, because those ballsy enough to walk into a psychiatrist's office or a conversation and declare "I have [thing]" are probably able to more rationally approach the subject in a "These are my symptoms and I think it could be this..." way. But just like how autobiographies aren't the only kind of biography, self-advocacy is far from the only kind of advocacy.

You don't need to be your own advocate, somebody else can come along and advocate for you - a friend, a family member, a volunteer from one of the local advocacy groups, etc. There's a group near me that advocates specifically for autistic people, for example.

If your conversation skills are inhibiting you from being able to adequately discuss things with a professional, you don't have to do it alone - it's definitely worth doing some googling, popping into some places that have leaflets for that sort of thing, etc, and finding out what's available near where you live if there's nobody in your life that can do that for you.

I have two advocates - one is a family member and one is an honourary family member. I do research, send it to them, and they keep notes about my symptoms, fluctuations, things I've shown them, etc, so that my memory issues don't become a barrier between me and what I want to explain. It's a life-saver.

At my last appointment, one came along and helped me fill in the forms, meaning that I got about twice the information down that I would've got down if I was relying on only my own brain. When I had to go to a tribunal, one came along then too, and they were excellent at spotting how the judge was trying to twist my words and butting in to correct him.

If you're more comfortable self-advocating then there are a number of things that you can do to make the process easier.

Firstly, keep a diary. Every day you need to write down your symptoms, your mood, notable moments, things you want to ask the doctor, food, fluid, sleep, alcohol, etc. Take that with you.

Secondly, go over that before the appointment and write yourself a "script". It doesn't need to be detailed or word for word, just get down the most important points and the way in which you want to convey them (NOT the way in which the memory of social skills classes tells you to convey them, but what you'd want somebody to say to you if they were trying to convey this effectively to you). Take that with you.

What I did with my DID was write a draft script on a piece of A4 paper a couple of weeks beforehand, and then I let my alters add to it or make notes on it with their opinions - I took that in with me and showed the doctor, and the differences in handwriting and wording had a much bigger impact than I was expecting and really helped in getting them to seriously consider that possibility.

Thirdly, don't waffle. I know it's tempting to be like "I have to get all of the details out in the first speech", but the therapist is going to ask questions afterwards. Boil what you need to say down to its key components, the facts that you need her to understand as the foundation moving forwards, and work out how to effectively convey those in less time than somebody would get the urge to interrupt - no tangents, no innuendo, just "This. That. The other thing too." But don't skip important details for the sake of brevity - find the balance.

Fourthly, make sure that you have the right psychiatrist. The counsellor that I had in college and the clinical psychiatrist that I had in hospital were both able to pick up on the things that made me more comfortable and more able to speak, and both knew not to interrupt me - the two of them learnt more about me and made me more comfortable than any other professional, just by letting me drink a hot chocolate and doodle on my phone. The psychologist who did my mindfulness therapy, on the other hand, insulted me for using my phone and my wall became 87% thicker in less than a second. You have to be working with somebody who lets you speak and who understands the way in which you speak.

Fifthly, if you know what helps you speak, tell them; if you don't know what helps you speak, begin the conversation with words to the effect of "I'm really struggling to get this out, but I prepared really hard, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me say my piece, and then we can discuss it afterwards instead of you interrupting me and making it harder for me to get out what I need to get out." If they then interrupt you, remind them that at the beginning of this they promised not to do so.

Remind yourself mentally that this is your therapy, this is your recovery, this is for you, this is important, and you deserve to be heard.

Sixthly, do research but downplay how much research you've done... "I stumbled across something that accurately described my experience and they called it hypomania" sounds a lot better than "I heard of hypomania on tumblr and spent twelve hours researching it" because the latter says to a doctor "I convinced myself that I have this because it sounded cool".

I was seeing psychiatrists back when the emo fad started, I was talking to them at the height of "Teenagers are all pretending to have depression because they read about it on the internet and think it's cool" days, so I know first-hand how eager some professionals can get to jump to that conclusion - unfortunately, there were times when seeing doctors felt more like a test of my ability to word the truth in a more digestible way than an opportunity to actually talk about how I was feeling.

An essential part of research should be to get your terms right - I fucked up back in the day because I referred to my compulsion to mime slitting my wrists or shooting myself in the head when I'm panicked as a "suicidal gesture" (however there's a medical term, "suicide gesture", that sounds almost identical and it means when you feign a suicide attempt by injuring yourself in a non-deadly manner, typically for attention) and not as a compulsion, which is part of how my OCD diagnosis got wrongly changed to a BPD diagnosis. I had never even heard of the terminology, I was just saying "I have to do a suicidal gesture when I'm panicking" meaning "When I'm panicked I have the compulsion to mime ways in which I envision killing myself", it was just poor wording, I had no idea that it was a medical term with an entirely different meaning. That created a huge misunderstanding, as you can imagine.

Seventhly is some advice that a friend gave me and honestly it's one of the best things that I've ever heard and comes in two parts: 1) play to your strengths, and 2) use your acting voice.

So part 2 is the easy one, everybody has something called a chest voice - it's a deeper voice that you use when singing or performing that projects better. Look up some YouTube videos on how to use your chest voice and practice it - it conveys a confidence that most people's normal voices do not. You could also stand in front of a mirror and work on your facial expressions.

Part 1 is a little more complicated and probably something that people will frown upon me for saying but... in this world you gotta be a little manipulative sometimes, you've got to assess situations and respond accordingly, you've got to word things certain ways.

I'm a very small, quiet person with an accent that immediately halves my IQ to everyone who hears it, it is near enough impossible for me to convey an air of superiority and maturity, but it's easy for me to play dumb and sweet. I can't get the psychiatrist to shut up by being somebody who sounds like I know what I'm talking about, if I get annoyed or snap it won't look like anger (I'm too quiet and I physically do not possess angry face muscles, I hate it), but if I go quiet and stare sadly at the floor then people notice and ask what's wrong. I can't get somebody to inherently assume that when I name a disorder I know what I'm talking about, but I can pretend that I've never heard of it or heard it in passing, and lead them into suggesting it.

I'm an extreme case in this regard and it's usually not a good idea to hide your real emotions and act when you're in a scenario where somebody is literally monitoring your body language for signals... there are definitely hardcore disadvantages and risks to that, and I am most certainly not recommending misleading your doctor, in fact I'm actively advising against doing that (I'm just saying that I do that sometimes, because I'm a dick and because my voice trying to yell "Shut the fuck up!" when I feel that angry usually only earns an "It doesn't even sound like swearing when you do it, that's adorable." because I'm fucking cursed).

What I am saying though is that I can't tell you exactly how to act (in fact, I'd be encouraging you to do something that I literally just said is bad if I did tell you how to act), I can't tell you exactly what words to say, where to put your hands, etc. The tip here is that you've got to be able to improvise, to assess the situation, to adapt, to know what you are and are not capable of and work within that, to see when a path is either going nowhere or going off topic and figure out how to direct it back, you've got to know how to talk to that specific person (professionals are just people, at the end of the day, and every person is different in how they speak and how they like being spoken to - some respond best to you casually bringing stuff up, some respond to structure, some click with you, some really don't).

Eighthly and most importantly, don't let any of this get you nervous. This advice is almost a "How to survive some of the shittiest doctors I had" sort of thing. The most likely outcome is that they're going to listen intently to what you have to say, trust you, respect you, ask the appropriate questions, and help you make sense of what's going on.

I have no doubt that you can do this and that you will absolutely rock it - you don't need that confidence in yourself, but reminding yourself that it's going to go well, that you're badass, that the professional is there to help you, and that they'll want this information as much as you want them to have it, that stuff will help. Believe in the heart of the cards, or the power of friendship, or your Pokémon, or something.

So, to put all this into something vaguely actionable (although I can't really give you much specific advice because I don't know what's going on in your head, so this is just like... idk vague template example thingy), the foundation of what you want your doctor to know is "I have the symptoms of hypomania, I want you to seriously consider the possibility that this is bipolar and not just depression."

In your symptom diary, keep track of the symptoms of hypomania - irritability, sleeplessness, recklessness, elation, etc - note down when they show up, how bad they are, how they impact you, your food and fluid and alcohol intake, the times of day when certain things happened, how well and long you slept, etc, but also jot down the depressive episodes and other potential symptoms, in case you need to answer questions in regards to those.

Next, write down the key points that you want to bring up on a separate note: how often did the symptoms generally show up? for how long? which are the most damaging? what is the worst thing that happened as a result?

Now you're in the appointment with your note and diary, you've told the doctor "You know I have some communication issues so I really need you to let me say what I've prepared, because I feel like the fact that the things I'm about to discuss aren't being addressed is really inhibiting my therapy." The doctor has agreed to let you speak and you've got your notes in front of you, and you say (a more applicable to you equivalent of) "I started a symptom diary a little while ago, I've brought it with me - I made note of symptoms, food intake, medication, sleep, and so on. I noticed that I was getting exceptionally irritable and hyperactive, especially during periods of a few days when I wasn't exhibiting as many of the depression symptoms, and I've ruled out sleep, food, and other factors as causes. On the fourth of last month, I got so restless that I couldn't sit down and I actually gave myself blisters pacing back and forth for six hours - while during the depressive episodes I can barely even manage to walk to the bathroom let alone pace. I came across an article online while looking up ways to ease the irritability, and I found that a few people described things incredibly similar to what I was going through, and they used the term 'hypomania'. I was hoping that we could talk through the symptoms that I've documented, and you could help me get my head around what's going on and how to treat it."

Then the doctor asks her questions, you answer as honestly and fully as you can, and try to cite evidence from your symptom diary.

If you can't manage to say the words that you need to say to start off such a conversation, then instead of just writing notes you could fully write out what it is that you want to say, and ask them to read it - explaining that you feel especially anxious about your ability to vocally express this, but it needs to be addressed because it's negatively impacting your therapy and your state of life.

Or, as I suggested at the beginning, have somebody else come along as an advocate.

That's just my advice stemming from my own experience... for some people, this advice might be unhelpful. As I mentioned earlier, you need to assess your situation, assess what you are and are not capable of, assess how your doctor usually responds to you, what they respond well to and what they respond poorly to, and so on - everybody's situation is different, so there isn't a list of "This is exactly what to say and do to get a doctor to listen to you" (as much as the crowd of people who adore convincing doctors that they have the next fad would love for there to be something like that). Ultimately, like any conversation, it's about what works best for the two individuals involved in that specific conversation.

Since I've broached this less from a general self-advocacy stand point (heck, I may even have pissed off self-advocacy people because a lot of this was "tips on how to stop shitty doctors being shitty" rather than all of the stuff about keeping records and knowing your rights and so forth) and more from a "personalized tips pulled from Vape's ceramic jar of ways to avoid my shitty mistakes", I'm now going to give you a handful of links to some more professional self-advocacy sites, and I recommend that you do proper research on the topic for a few hours on google. As flattered as I am that you came to me, and as hopeful as I am that my advice helps in some way, me waffling about the ways I avoid getting screwed over again isn't professional advice - I'm very aware, as someone who's worked in a youth group, that I am not the fountain of all knowledge and that it is my job to pass you on to those more capable and to ensure that you know that my word isn't law.

So check out some of these and do more specific research and googling when you have the time (these aren't all about self-advocacy in medical care, some are about self-advocacy in other areas or advocacy in general, but I hope the advice may still be useful):

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/#.WlaI26CnzqA

http://www.familyaware.org/how-to-model-mentalhealth-selfadvocacy/

http://www.cooltanarts.org.uk/what-we-offer/self-advocacy/

https://www.voiceability.org/support-for-you/self-advocacy/

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=39797

https://www.ncld.org/archives/action-center/what-we-ve-done/self-advocacy-5-tips-from-a-student

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9767596

https://www.includenyc.org/resources/video-detail/10-self-advocacy-tips-for-young-people-with-disabilities

https://www.kidney.org/content/5-tips-self-advocacy

Also, full disclosure, I haven't thoroughly read all of these and I'm low on sleep and running on way more caffeine than I should really have had... I'm probably not in the best state to be imparting important information right now, but I really hope that somewhere in this jumble I said something that was useful. (I also love how the quality just gradually declines after I start craving a cigarette at the midway point... I'm so sorry.)

EDIT: PS I'm sorry that I got pronouns and job titles and stuff jumbled up all through this, uhh, my brain is running on super fast mode right now so it's not really accessing all of the important files or deeper processing. I'm sorry, again.

Alternatively, if your therapist is super great and trusts you "I think I've been experiencing hypomania, and I think this may be bipolar and not just depression" will work fine... but the symptom diary, that is a good tip for anybody and everybody, regardless.

~ Vape

[a-path-beyond84]

Hey I'm the anon from a while ago that commented on the shunning people who support abortion thing. As answers to your questions 1) I mean, I try to maintain a consistent standard, but I'll have to be honest, I've never met anyone irl who advocates for legalizing pedophilia (and as I'm a minor, that wouldn't be the safest situation for me to be around a person like that, so not really for that one). However, quick note on this, pedophilia is different than people who support abortion... (part1)

(part2) Pedophilia is not common, and it's not something that a ton of people support. It's a radical, disgusting minority of people, and also it's illegal and extremely frowned upon. Pedophiles and pedophilia advocates are told all their life that pedophilia is wrong, and yet they abuse children anyways. That's a lot different than people who support abortion, or have abortions, who oftentimes grow up in cultures that say that it's ok to have an abortion, and sometimes may not know any better

(part 3) If I were to shun everyone who supported abortion, I would have to cut off contact with half of my relatives and virtually everyone except a handful of people at my school. I would have to shun my teachers, administrators, childhood friends, and nearly everyone in my classes. All of these people don't understand why pro-life people think abortion is wrong. They only see pro-life people screaming at women at abortion clinics and holding up bloody pictures of dead babies.

(part4) This is the culture in my region. If I were to shun these people who support abortion, they may never talk to a pro-life person who is kind to them and who will calmly explain their beliefs for years. As for the question if I would shun a white supremacist, the answer is probably not, and here's why. I have a couple of friends who don't like white people very much. There are countless stories of racists who changed views after meeting someone who will talk with them, and listen to them.

(part5) I have had friends who tell me that white people are responsible for every bad thing that has happened in the world, in complete seriousness. I listen to them, I let them talk, and I show them with my actions and words that white people aren't all terrible. I would do the same thing for a white supremacist. Listening to what people have to say and being rational and kind does more to change bigots than shunning ever does. Even the most disgustingly racist person can be eventually change.

(part6) So yeah, I try to keep a consistent morality. But keeping a consistent morality means not refusing to listen to people who oftentimes have been hurt in the past by members of groups that they hate. Just because someone doesn't repent right away doesn't mean they won't in the future. Abby Johnson said somewhere that she was considering leaving PP because of a kind advocate, but she changed her mind when people showed up condemning & screaming. It look her a lot longer to leave after that

(part7) In Paul's time, the church was young, it was persecuted, and it was new. They were also in a much different culture then. Their culture was focused on honor. Reputation was extremely important. It mattered to almost everyone what the community thought of you, so if you were excluded from the community, you'd get the message real fast to change or lose your reputation. Not everyone knew where the church stood on different issues & had to publicly say who they were/weren't affiliated with

(part8) In our culture, it's almost admired to be disliked by a lot of people. Rebellion is seen as cool, so when people see that christians and catholics are shunning them, they think "oh hey, look we're making them mad! reblog to piss off a christian!" and stuff like that. By giving a huge, dramatic reaction like shunning, you're pretty much just fanning the flames and encouraging them. It isn't encouraging them to change their minds, it's making them more set in their ways.

(part9) Also, might I add that you don't seem to be sticking to your rule of shunning people who support abortion? I mean, you're still talking/arguing with people who are clearly very pro-abortion, shouldn't you have blocked them if you really believed that? Of course we want people who support abortion to repent, but shunning them won't help. And women who have had abortions are oftentimes desperate and misled, and if you go straight to attacking them they'll automatically go on defense.

(part10) Condemning and attacking others doesn't help change minds. Especially people who have had abortions. Yes, it's terrible and tragic, but you have to understand that for many of these people, literally everyone and everything around them was telling them that abortion was the right choice. It's the same with racists. These people are often raised in cultures that tell them that their terrible views are right. You don't know the future. You don't know if they'll repent eventually.

Thank you for your comments.  I’ll do my best to address them, and express agreement where it can be found.  I’ll admit I haven’t fully formed this view - I’m sort of testing it out via Tumblr.  

Pedophilia is admittedly not common, and one of the major reasons for that is that people react viscerally against it.  There are people who advocate for it - I would suggest Googling it, though that probably isn’t the most wise thing to do.  Trust me on this, rather than searching for that on the internet.  I must say I doubt by mid-century that will be the case that pederasty will face the scorn it does today.  The animus against pederasty is a holdover from a previous Christian culture and has no intellectual foundation in the current culture which focuses on consent.  In our time, the culture rationalizes its animus against pederasty by presuming a person under age 18 can’t really provide consent, but I fully expect this to be successfully challenged.  In cultures without Christian influence, such as ancient Greece, pederasty becomes more or less a fact of life the way abortion is with us.  Recall that only 44 years ago, abortion was a crime in the United States.  Anyway, the point being is that abortion, which is murder, is at least as bad and arguably worse than pedophilia/pederasty, and thus we should have similar attitudes towards both.    

I agree with your comments about screaming at women at abortion clinics as being ineffective.  Being shouted at by strangers rarely changes minds and so I wouldn’t recommend it either.  In like manner, I would counsel discernment generally speaking, and if you are in a tiny minority shunning would not be effective at all - you’d be more or less shunning yourself.  Especially in your situation as a minor, I wouldn’t recommend it.  

I do speak about the subject with supporters of abortion on Tumblr, but keep in mind that we are personally anonymous to each other and thus shunning isn’t a live option.  Moreover, I wouldn’t advocate shunning without patient dialogue preceding it, and being clear about the reason for shunning when it occurs.  The point also is to reject the most serious advocates - it really isn’t directed at women who have mixed feelings about what they did.  I would not condemn a woman who committed five abortions but regrets it (or is even uneasy about it), whereas I’d have serious problems with a person who never had an abortion yet strongly and publicly affirmed it.  The point is not to cast stones at sinners but to help reduce popular support for an evil practice, thereby protecting people from ever considering committing abortion in the first place.  

I don’t agree that our culture isn’t as focused on honor and public status as it was in the past.  Our culture is quite vain and people want to be seen as virtuous  - hence virtue signaling.  This is why there are public campaigns to eliminate shame in certain circumstances (with abortion, fat-shaming, slut-shaming), and why words are created specifically to shame political opponents (homophobia, transphobia, etc).  And yes, it’s easy for a person to ignore the shunning of a complete stranger, such as on Tumblr.  It’s another thing entirely when people close to them IRL refuse to associate with them.  

Some, like Abby Johnson, take a long while to repent because they consider their opponents too harsh.  Others take a long time to repent, like me, because they don’t consider Christians to take their own views seriously.  

[comradeclarke]

Hey can you like, not DM Emma? Have you not gotten the message that WE DON'T WANT YOU IN OUR LIVES?! IS YOUR BRAIN SO FUCKING TINY YOU CAN'T PROCESS THAT WE HATE YOU AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU?! Because i'm starting to think it is. Your brain is the size of your dick, and your dick is non-existant. If i ever have to attend your funeral i will wear all pink and fortnite dance in your coffin. Do not contact me or any of my friends again. You are a peice of shit that can die in a well, okay?

Alright. Let’s get this Over with. I Don’t Hate you. I Literally want to make things right....If anything you are the piece of shit that can die in a well. I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t see why harassing me is needed. Perhaps You Are Overreacting? I’m Being calm right now. What are you doing? Yelling At someone? Who wants to make things better? Well I suppose we are both retards now aren’t we? Or are you somehow immune because you’re marley and therefore an angel that can’t do anything bad? If you were an angel, i would prefer going to hell then having to enter heaven with you glaring daggers at me. Also, I have only insulted you because you are the one that comes to harass me. Call me anything you want. I’m Still human, Unlike you i have regret. I have sorrow, i have emotions. I have some many things. What do You have? All i see is someone who is overreacting like an idiot and embarrassing themselves. I want this stupid thing to end, while also being able to comment on alyssa’s tumblr..seeing as i find what she posts amusing. Or am i not allowed to be happy? Because that would explain why you are hellbent on harassing me, intent on removing what little happiness i have. So Go away. I don’t insult any of you until you harass me. Can you not see the irony? Let us solve this problem together. As co-workers. Not as enemies. I’m giving you one last warning marley. Don’t poke the bear. The bear in this case is the old me, which i keep under lock and key.....Do you wish for me to be how i was before? Or do you want me being Civil? Your Choice. Also, Can You fucking go take a chill pill? I’m getting annoyed by your terrible manners. Insulting someone is not a good way to make someone do something. Or does your dust molecule brain not realize that fact because of how retarded you are by doing this? I simply want to get all this shit off my chest. I’m have not been overreacting...YOU are. And no, i won’t die in a well. I don’t know where one is...maybe you can just find a well and die instead? I bet you’re going to be angry when you read this...so i’ll one thing. Cause and effect. You harass me....i’m going to harass you back in self-defense. Two negatives don’t make a positive. Or Maybe they do? In your retarded brain anyway. I don’t want to hurt you. However seeing as you have the emotional spectrum of a fucking piece of wood i doubt you’ll understand anything. So how about you don’t harass me and be nice for once....How about that? or is that to hard for you? Being nice would be a step in the right direction of solving this issue. However i doubt you want to admit you are wrong, and most likely will say i have to be nice. However i can assure you that i’ll be nice if you are nice to me. So stop harassing me and start being rational.